The film we saw was called The Whistleblower. It is a story of an American police officer who works for the United Nations' peacekeeping forces in Bosnia and uncovers a women trafficking operation. We sat on big, soft cushions on the grass at a park by the Brisbane River, the weather was perfect, the atmosphere was magical, we were happy for the chance to get away for a bit in each other's company.

Then, the movie started.

The level of brutality shown on the screen by the traffickers towards the women, the complete disregard for the law and the strong violation of every moral system I could think of disturbed me to the core. I had to struggle to keep watching some scenes and felt terrible for poor Ronit who is generally more sensitive than I am.

When we talked about the movie in the car on the way home, we both wondered what would compel anyone to abuse another person in such a way. Our conclusion was that these people had no love in their hearts. Not romantic love. Kindness, compassion, empathy, tenderness, comradery, friendship and understanding towards another human being.

All they had was fear. It was in their eyes. It was in their laughs. It was in their intonation. It was in their words. Because without love, fear is all that is left.

A few days later, we went to a Christian wedding of the lovely daughter of a lovely couple of friends of ours. We expected to hear about Jesus and God, but the wedding celebrant (who is also the bride's aunt), spent some time explaining why God is love.

She said something like, "People say that God is loving, and He is loving, but that is not his essence. God is love. Because love accepts without condition, encourages without limits and makes everything better".

And I thought to myself, "I wish every person in the world thought this way. Whether they were religious or not, if everybody's faith was in love, this world would be a much better place".

Many people are uncomfortable with expressing love, because they have heard little or no love spoken to them, they have not been hugged or stroked and they have not been praised. Some have had mostly abuse from their parents.

At Ronit's parenting workshops, participants are asked to list the 4 things they want most for their children. Some list health, some list money, some list success, but everyone lists happiness. Ronit then asks them to give up the least important thing and keep just 3, then just 2 and finally, only 1. The parents agonize over the "lost" values, but invariably, they leave happiness in their hands.

When Ronit asks them, "Is this what you spend most of your parenting time on?" some of the parents burst into tears, because they realize that the fighting and forcing and nagging only take away from the thing they want most for their kids - happiness. After this experience, the parents determine to go home and show their children nothing but love, no matter what happens.

We keep in touch with them and that is what many of them do. Parents who have not had love as kids must make an effort to express love for their children, but the rewards are tremendous.

From the kids' point of view, love is a natural thing and expressing it is easy. When we lived in Singapore, Tsoof was 3 years old and had his own room. Sometimes, he played by himself, and then felt alone, so he called out, "Mom/Dad, I love you" and we would reply, "I love you too".

That kept him happily playing in his room for a while longer, knowing we were there for him if he needed us. When he grew up (and, OMG, became a teenager), he started using the same method to diffuse conflicts. Say Noff is upset with him and starts talking tough, he says, "I love you too" and she softens (if not, he says it again).

With Christmas just around the corner, I wanted to encourage you to show your love for your children as much as you can. Giving gifts is certainly a great way, but it is only one of the 5 languages of love.

I also wanted to leave you with a song from a Christmas film (Scrooged), which captured the essence of this post very well. The lyrics are below, so you can sing along (go easy if you are at work, but go nuts if you are at home).

Loving parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• More Control – Less Power
• Questions, Questions
• Spoiled Brats

Steve Carell makes movies that are full of embarrassing moments and this usually turns me off. I see him as the American version of Mr. Bean. I also find his acting melodramatic and externalized and I generally prefer subtle and deep. In this film, he was not only the main character, he was also the producer, which should have had me running in the other direction, except I only found that out in the final credits, and by that time, I already had a lot of respect for him.

If you have not seen Crazy, Stupid, Love, it starts with a marriage breakdown and divorce, continues through the attempted recovery of both partners and their children and at the same time, weaves in the generational difference between the old one-partner-from-a-young-age and the new ongoing-partying-and-casual-sex-until-thirty-something. Here is the trailer (see you on the other side):

A web of good people

What I found special about this movie is that unlike the typical good-vs-bad attitude and one-sided story lines we see a lot, this story shows how good, well-meaning people can be hurt and their lives can be complicated. It shows each character close up and personal, so their point of view keeps making sense, but the clashes and awkward moments are painfully inevitable.

Good parenting comes first

The Weavers got together when they were young and had kids early, but they are great parents. They clearly love their children and respect them as human beings. They have meaningful conversations and actually listen to them, even when the kids speak the naked truth.

I loved this, because there are some excellent examples in the film for how to be honest with your kids, how to communicate with them at eye level and how to benefit from their perspective. I loved it even more because they managed to stay great parents despite their marriage problems and personal struggles (Cal Weaver is such a pushover at the start of the film).

The Weaver children have their difficulties too, and they express those in various (and sometimes dysfunctional) ways, but in general, they are really good kids who love their parents and describe how they feel in surprising clarity. Many parents might sit in the cinema and think, "Yeah, right, like a 13-year-old would ever do THAT", but my 15-year-old son is now going through some challenging times and handling them even better.

Common marriage problems

The relationship problems shown in the movie are very common these days. With the divorce rate hovering around 50% in the USA and Australia, it is also very common for these marriage problems to end in a divorce and for the couple to become two single parents and struggle to restore their self-esteem and stability in life.

But marriages that last still suffer erosion and married couples who stay together still lose the romance and the passion sometimes. Feeling unheard, unappreciated and even unloved is part of every couple's life. If they pay attention and refocus their relationship, it lasts, but if they let things slide too long, divorce can seem like a blessing.

What makes a man

Young Jacob is rich by inheritance and spends his days in leisure and his nights in pleasure with young women. He is very confident about his manhood and makes Cal look pathetic.

This brings up the question "What makes you a man?" Is it the number of women you sleep with? Is it the ease with which you can get an unfamiliar woman to go to bed with you? Is it the way you dress, the shoes you wear or your hairstyle? Is it your sculpted muscles and physical strength?

Cal is so out of his depth in the nightclub, Jacob is almost a god to him with his smooth ways and confidence-boosting methods. But at some point, the first woman goes home with him and they have a good time, and after that, it becomes easy.

In a nice twist of events, Jacob then faces feelings of love for the first time and panics. In all his conquests, his way to the girls' hearts was to shower them with interest and attention, which also saved him from having to expose himself and being vulnerable. But when this special girl wants to know him better, he freaks out so much, he calls Cal for advice.

Recently, I touched on the self-doubt of men who have only been with one partner in How to Be Faithful. I think Crazy, Stupid, Love does a wonderful job of taking us along the path of either choice (Jacob's and Cal's) and showing us that neither is perfect and neither is better than the other.

Soul mates

The term "soul mate" is used a lot in the film, even overused, but there is a scene in which Cal tells Emily (his ex-wife who had cheated on him) about his one-night stands and she is appalled. For a second, we are with her, thinking, "How could you?" but then he says to her, "I was trying to move on".

Emily felt bad in their marriage, slept with a coworker and initiated a divorce, but she feels justified in criticizing Cal for sleeping with other women. After all, they were soul mates...

But divorce involves a lot of loss and grief, with both partners feeling like a part of their soul is indeed ripped out of them. Many divorcees keep track of their ex-partner's social profiles, ask mutual friends about their life and compare every subsequent potential partner to their ex.

Whether or not we are soul mates when we start our relationship, our souls gradually become connected through hardships and joy, through pregnancies, deliveries and sleepless nights, through first teeth and first steps, through driving lessons and exams, through lost jobs and new jobs, moving houses, changing cars and all those other joint experiences that leave their emotional marks on us.

Next to these things, having sex with someone else is a small thing, but we do not always remember that.

I came away from the movie with a lot of love in my heart. In the past few days, there is more love in everything I do, more softness, more attention and more respect. I checked the patterns of my life against scenes from the movie and compared myself with the characters in it.

In the end, I realized (again) that love may be crazy, but it is certainly not stupid.

Happy marriage, relationship and parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• TV Diet (6): Disposable relationships
• Put a Little Love in Your Heart
• Disengage Your Autopilot

Dear Gina,

How to discipline kids, what is discipline and related issues are a source of friction almost in every home. I think your husband has expectations from you and your children that are probably based on his definition of good parenting and discipline, which I am not sure are healthy, although they were very typical 20 to 30 years ago when he was a child.

To me, discipline is the opposite of motivation and this is certainly true with kids. If you need to discipline your kids, that means you are powerless. It means you are afraid of your kids and that is not good in parenting.

Motivating, encouraging, supporting and helping are acts of giving. You do them for the benefit of your kids. Discipline is an act of taking. You do it for your own benefit. As a parent, you need to give, not take.

Parenting your children is like dancing and you are the one in the lead. Yes, you can use force and your kids will dance along, but they will hate you and disrespect you and when they have a hard time, they will not come to you for support and will never ask for your help, which means you will be failing to protect them.

How many parents do you know that say to their kids who have done horrible things, "Why didn't you come to me for help?" They used force and abused their parental powers to make their children do what the parents wanted and now they complain the kids do not come and ask for help? Where is the surprise?

I strongly recommend that every parent abandon the desire to discipline. If you think in terms of discipline, you have already lost your power and your credibility with your kids. Many parents think that disciplining the kids is part of the "job description" and this it is what makes parenting seems so hard. I personally know lots of people who have lots of problems with their kids and search for schools that will discipline them. They say, "I have problems with my kids and I need a school that can discipline them", but they do not understand that it is a vicious cycle.

If you give up discipline, you will not have problems and you will not need a school to discipline your kids. I encourage you to stay away from this way of thinking. From my experience, it is the way to lose your kids at an early stage.

Many parents have conflicts over how to discipline and how to parent their kids. Unfortunately, the conflict between them contributes greatly to the kids' behavior. I think you need to spend time with your husband and discuss your differences around parenting, encouragement, discipline, authority and the best way to raise good kids. Otherwise, your kids may take advantage of his conflict while suffering emotionally. It is best to do it when you are both happy and relaxed, when the kids are not around and there is no problem you need to sort out. When people are happy, they can think better.

I would probably be upset if my husband said he would fire me (or that he wanted to be my boss). Luckily, there is no boss in parenting (although I can understand that someone who thinks that discipline is an option wants power and would love to be the boss). Parents do the best they can with what they have.

Having doubts about your parenting is worse than making mistakes. Parents are not perfect and that is what makes us human. The core skills we need in parenting are loving and wanting to improve. I think these are the core skills in life. Love can do a lot more than discipline. I know it sounds like a cliché, but the desire for power does not go hand in hand with love.

I have had many disagreements about being an objective mother. So many people, including family members, have said to me that I was not objective towards my daughter. How can you love someone and be objective at the same time? Love is not objective and the expression "objective parent" is an oxymoron.

No human being is ever objective, because we have feelings. In parenting, objectiveness is a horrible condition. It means the emotional umbilical cord between you and your kids is cut. If a parent says to me, "I have to be objective about my child", I tell them to get help. It is a myth that objectiveness is an ability needed to prepare kids for life. Objectiveness means we have no bias, as if we have no feelings, but how can we prepare kids for life without feelings?

Your husband may see some aspects of the kids' behavior that he would like to change, but focusing on good things is always a better strategy than focusing on the problems.

Every parent should recognize the small panic attack when their kids do not match their expectations and ask themselves, "Why do I expect them to do this differently? Did my parents think the same about me? Did I like that? What are the risks of following what my parents did? If my child behaves like this, does it mean they will be like this when they grow up? Am I strong enough to support my child or do I seek power because I feel weak?"

Remember, kids can do anything you present them in an encouraging way. They will be confident and strong if you help them move forward with small, gentle pushes, but if you push too hard, the will resist.

Think of your kids as they took their first steps. You never push them to walk. You stretch your arms wide open around them to protect them from falling and you move back so they come towards you. It is the same with every new thing they do, even behavior. Small pushes towards a place they want to go is encouragement. Big pushes against where they want to go is a form of violence.

You probably want to give your children many values. Do not focus on discipline so they do not think this was your gift to them. The only people who can fire parents are their kids and they can only do it when they have their own kids and they understand what parenting means. I will know I am fired big time if my grownup kids ever say, "My mom was a good mother, because she knew how to discipline me".

Ask your husband to read the series motivating kids. It will help him avoid being fired by his own kids when the time comes.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Love
• Put a Little Love in Your Heart

In my relationship coaching, I have discovered there are two more traps that are signs the relationship is going nowhere and may be heading for a breakdown. One of them is the "intention" trap and the other one is the "blame" trap.

The intention trap

Everyone wants to feel good in their relationships. We give ourselves to the other person and we want a good feeling in return. Usually, we find a partner who makes us feel great. At the beginning of the relationship, we want to spend lots of time together, we constantly want to be with him or her and when we are not together, we imagine us being together.

Our marriage is good when we look forward to the time we will spend together, because it boosts our self-esteem and motivates us.

Over time, this excitement gives way to stress, work and kids, and many couples just wait for the moment things are quiet, so they can veg in front of the TV, hit the bed, sleep in on the weekends or go away on a holiday. Most of their time is not filled with fun and the fun bits are pushed to the side. When we push too much of our "fun time together" to the side, the arguments start.

I do not think I have ever learned how to argue and in marriage. Strange as it may seem, I believe it is very important to learn how to argue, because if we do not argue fairly, we increase the stress and the pressure and decrease the fun time together.

Why are they saying it?

One big problem of many arguments is our assumptions about the other party's intention. Feeling uncomfortable, fearful, unhappy, ignored, criticized, belittled, scared, humiliated and all those other not-so-good feelings that come with any argument, we ask ourselves, "Why is he/she saying it?" But we do not stop to ask the other person why they are saying it. We assume that if we feel something, it means the other person meant for us to feel like that.

For example, a couple is arguing. Ben says, "We don't spend enough time together. I'd like us to go to the movies more often". Denise says, "I don't have time for movies. I'm exhausted in the evenings. You don't know what it's like running around after the kids the whole day. You don't appreciate what I go through". That ends what could have been a nice evening and each partner goes to his or her "corner".

People like playing "mind readers" and it is very hard for them to understand that they can feel bad without the other person having any intention of making them feel bad. When the arguments change course and we express our assumptions about the other person's bad intention, the other person immediately defends their intention and now two people are hurt, one because he/she assumes the other wanted to hurt him/her and the other because her/his partner assumes she/he had bad intentions. It is a formula for a marriage breakdown.

Suddenly, the couple no longer talks about the topic of their disagreement but the bad feelings they both have. Every time we assume there is a bad intention, we can guarantee there will be a nasty argument. Getting out of this trap is very complicated, because both sides are hurt. One wants to lick his/her wounds and the other wants to explain her/his original intention. When people are hurt, their conversation is not very practical. Remember, we are in a relationship because we want to feel good and if we feel bad, the longer we argue, the worse we feel.

The best way to deal this problem is not to get into it and we can do it with awareness. As long as you say, "I feel, I think, I am not happy", it is an expression of your own thoughts and feelings, but as soon as you say, "you", you have to be very careful what you are saying. Let's look at our example again.

Ben says, "We don't spend enough time together. I'd like us to go to the movies more often". Denise says, "I don't have time for movies. I'm exhausted in the evenings". So far, so good. Then she says, "You don't know what it's like running around after the kids the whole day. You don't appreciate what I go through".

Denise falls into the intention trap when she says, "You don't know..." and "You don't appreciate..." Feeling exhausted and not having time does not mean Ben does not know or does not appreciate. In fact, Ben suggests going out because he thinks Denise needs a break from running around after the kids the whole day and working hard. He wanted to suggest they get a babysitter and spend some relaxed time together doing something they both love doing, but the conversation never got there.

As you would suspect, this conversation did not go well. Ben had good intentions, Denise vented and the issue stopped being spending more fun time together and started being who intended what.

Typical "intention" traps

"You make me feel..." - no one can force you to feel anything. Sometimes, I wish it was not true. I would love to force my husband, my kids, even my clients to think they are loved, awesome and powerful.

"Are you saying I'm...?" - notice that this is an interpretation of what the other person is saying. He/she did not say that. He/she said something else, so when you ask this question, you are basically saying, "I interpret this sentence as..." Take ownership of your interpretation and restate it as such.

"You only want me to think..." - that is not necessarily true. The other person may want you to think something else. Don't read minds. You are not mind readers.

"You don't think I know that?" - if you say instead, "I know that", you can continue the conversation without falling into the "intention trap". People say things even if you know them. Just move on.

"You don't understand..." - you do not know what happens in the other person's mind. Understanding is a very high brain function. Make sure you do not confuse "You don't do things the way I expect them" with "You don't understand". There is a very probable option that the other side understands perfectly, but still does not want to do things that way.

"You don't listen to me" - this sentence is an oxymoron. Notice that you are using this to request that the other side will listen to you and you assume that listening will guarantee the other person will agree. There is an option that the other person has heard you clearly and still does not agree.

"Do you think it is fair to..." - this sentence assumes the other person did not think about fairness and that their intentions were towards "unfairness". It is another way of saying, "I think you are not fair". Rephrase it to "I think that if we do it <this way>, that would be fair". Remember, "I" statements will ensure you are be trapped in the "intention" cycle.

"You're mad at me..." - it is very important not to risk interpreting someone else's intentions. It is possible he/she is mad, but it is better to let them say it than to say it on their behalf. It is possible that what they are expressing is frustration or helplessness or that they are just tired.

"What have I done that make you treat me like this?" - this is a formula for disaster. There is the assumption that you have done something that caused someone to treat you a certain way or that there is some justification for the other person to treat you like that. The behavior could be caused by a pattern that originated during childhood or that the person is tired and confused and it has nothing to do with you.

At first, you need to notice you are doing it and make a conscious decision to stop. When you notice you were not aware and have said something about your partner's intentions, back up! You are not a mind reader and you will get it wrong more often than not. Assuming you know what your partner intended is a formula for a nasty relationship that will end up in hard feelings and eventually a marriage breakdown.

I promise that if you count how many times you use "intention" sentences in your arguments and shrink them, the cracks in the relationship will shrink too.

Happy marriage,
Ronit

You may want to read

• More Control – Less Power
• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People

Today, I want to give you an example of how a simple exercise changed my view of my marriage with Ronit for the better and, in fact, improved the way I interact with everybody in my life.

This was before Ronit and I discovered communication styles and love languages and I had a strong feeling I was going out of my way to make Ronit happy, but she was doing very little to do the same for me. I thought this was unfair and I was frustrated.

Fortunately, I had a session with my life coach, Sheryl, that week.

I started pouring my frustration as soon as I sat down. If you have ever been to life coaching, you know you can only do this for a very short time.

"Gal, I get that you are upset and that from your point of view, things aren't equal in your relationship", Sheryl said.

"They sure are", I said.

"But by now, you already know that what matters most is your perception of the world, not how the world is. So let's look at your choices and your focus, OK?"

I nodded in apprehension, because I knew what was coming. I was going to have to adjust MY end if I wanted to be happy and that stank. Here I was doing all that stuff for the sake of our marriage, getting next to nothing in return for my efforts and now I would have to adjust MY focus?

"In a typical day, how many things would you say you do to keep or improve your relationship with Ronit?" Sheryl asked.

"Lots", I said, "Ten easily".

"And how many similarly good things would you say Ronit does?" she asked.

"One or two, sometimes none", I said bitterly.

"Are you sure?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think she notices all the good things you do every day? Does she show her appreciation every time?" Sheryl asked.

"No, and that's even more frustrating. She doesn't even notice sometimes", I complained.

"Is it possible the same is also true in reverse? Is it possible that Ronit does a lot more for you and for her relationship with you, but you don't notice?"

"Hmmm", I felt a lesson coming on.

"When you do something for another person, you may plan it for a while, then you do it with a certain intention, but the other person may be completely unaware of any of it", she explained, "They certainly don't know what you're planning, they can't see your intention and they may even miss what you do if they're busy or if this is not something meaningful to them".

"OK, so you're saying maybe Ronit isn't noticing all this stuff I do for us?"

"What I'm saying is that she may be missing your good deeds, but also that YOU may be missing hers".

Kaboom!

"Well, I'll never be able to see into her mind", I said, "So what can I do about it?"

"I suggest that you spend a week paying close attention to everything Ronit does and says and ask yourself if it could be a way to make you feel better or improve your relationship. Particularly, notice the things Ronit likes herself, because when she does to you something that would make her feel good, it is probably because she thinks it will make you feel good too. After all, we see the world through our own eyes", Sheryl said.

So the following week, I put a little notepad in my pocket and made a list of the things I noticed. Initially, the list grew slowly, but within a couple of days I could recognize "the good stuff" a lot more easily, particularly anything that happened more than once.

I later discovered that Ronit's love languages are Affirmations and Services. During that week, I still did not know that, but I listed many compliments, words of thanks, encouragements, cups of coffee, yummy sandwiches and other things.

At the end of the week, I had 74 items on my list. I had noticed 74 things Ronit had said or done that I interpreted as being for the benefit of your relationship or for me personally.

The week before my life coaching session, there had been none. OK, maybe there was one.

This was clearly not because Ronit started behaving differently all of a sudden. The week before, I had totally missed a similar number of statements and actions. In fact, I was not sure if 74 was everything. I might have missed a few still.

That really blew me away. Since then, whenever I get a similar feeling that things are unfair, that I work harder and do more, I spend some time counting the good stuff the other person does. With practice, I no longer need a whole week. I sort of put myself in "paying attention to good things" mode and after noticing a few of them, my feeling changes.

You should try is sometime.

Happy marriage/relationship,
Gal

You may want to read

• Put a Little Love in Your Heart
• Make Eye Contact
• Winners vs. Whiners

When I had my first child, I gave privacy up easily. Gal and I both wanted to spend all our time with Eden, but when she was 11 months old, we realized we did not really have a life and we could not blame anyone but ourselves. Every spare minute we had, we wanted to be with Eden, so she went to sleep at the same time we went to sleep. All our conversations were about her. At night, when we looked for a moment we could enjoy some privacy, I remember giggling and shushing each other, waiting for her to fall asleep, but by the time she was sound asleep, so were we...

When you have kids, privacy is not what it used to be anymore. Suddenly, intimate time is so rare and precious there is not a lot of opportunities to be spontaneous. Suddenly, you have to plan your private time together as a couple and the more time goes by, the more kids you have and the older they get, the harder it gets to find a private time to enjoy and love each other.

Luckily for us, we woke up when Eden was just 11 months old. We realized we needed to plan our time together if we wanted to enjoy each other's company. We sat and thought of some things that would help us "keep the fire burning" between us and how to manage the loss of privacy that comes together with the joy of having kids. I recommend that every couple do these things, regardless of the age of their children. One important thing kids need is parents who stay together, so invest in your togetherness for the sake of your children too.

Kids in parents' bed

First, pay attention to things that slowly steal your privacy, like having the kids' bed in your room or sleeping with your baby in your bed. Some babies are sensitive to noises and when you compromise your intimacy to make sure your baby does not wake up, there is always the risk it will get worse. I am sure you can find a compromise, especially while breastfeeding at night (it is no fun getting up in the middle of the night and going to another room to breastfeed, especially when it is cold).

We decided our kids would always sleep in their own bed and that their bed would be in our room for 3 months and that's it. After that, they slept in their own room.

When they could get up and come to our bed at night, we always took them back to their own bed, unless it was just before we got up.

Behind closed doors

Every parent worries their children might walk into their room in the middle of having some good grownup fun. Worrying about it can destroy the enjoyment. The simplest thing to do is have a lock on your door and use it. A lock can help so much as you close the door and you know that if your kids come in, it will not be in the middle of you huffing and puffing.

Weekly date

As I said, having kids does not leave much time for being spontaneous. Spending time together is very important. Gal and I decided 21 years ago (Eden is 22 now) that we would have a private weekly outing, just the two of us. Although we did not keep that religiously for 21 years, we have gone out almost every week (sometimes, we make up and go out twice).

In the first years, we lived in a small town with one cinema that showed the same movie for 3 weeks, so we went for a walk in the neighborhood - it was refreshing and wonderful. Generally, we go to the movies, we go to a cafe (I have hot chocolate and Gal drinks something herbal in the evenings or no sleep) or we meet with friends.

We believe this weekly outing has kept us going strong for many years. When we work hard, it is even more important to let go and do something for ourselves. I highly recommend that every couple have a date once a week to keep the interest in each other, break the routine and have some privacy.

Babysitter

One of the biggest complaints of couples is that they cannot just go out. "It is such a hassle", they say.

Well, it does not have to be. If you live next to your parents or your in-laws, they will be happy to spend some time with their grandchildren. Make it a habit to send the kids for a weekend to their grandparents once a month. If you have both grandparents, that is great! If you have a brother or sister who lives close by, have their kids over sometimes and send your kids to them in return.

It is healthy for your children to be away from you (I would start when they are 1 year old). You can make a similar arrangement with friends and take care of each other's kids. If you have 3-4 couples in this arrangement, then all the kids have a sleepover at one couple's house while the rest go out and then swap. The kids will have fun, you will have fun and everyone will be happy.

If none of these work for you, have 2-3 babysitters on your list and you are good to go.

To lose the privacy, we have to give it up!
- Ronit Baras

Until Eden was 4½ years old, we lived very close to my parents and close enough to Gal's parents. My sisters loved babysitting Eden and it was easy to go out once a week and send her to the grandparents for the weekend from time to time. Since then, we have been living away from our families and we used babysitters until Eden said she could take care of the kids on her own. It is not the end of the world and it is worth your relationship.

If you do not go on weekly dates, start with monthly dates and increase the frequency. With parenting, we do not really lose our intimacy, we slowly give it up, because it is hard to maintain it. Hard does not mean we need to give it up, it only means we have to work through it.

Next time, when you think you have lost your privacy, ask yourself where exactly you gave it up and go find it there.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Crazy, Stupid, Love
• Lifestyle of the rich and the famous
• Top Parenting Bloggers Discuss (2): Parenting Challenges

With the very hectic and full lifestyle that we have today, remembering everything that needs to be done occupies a very important and limited space in our memory. If you ask parents to sit down and write the entire to-do list for the week, most of them could do it for 3 hours straight.

Of course, the more kids you have at home, the more memory space you need for your timetable and tasks. You need to remember the dates of rehearsals, what to bring to school, when to pay for the dance class, to call your sister, say happy birthday to your friend, coordinate an outing with your partner, get a babysitter, have enough money in your wallet/purse when you go to the market, to buy a gift for the party your daughter is invited to on the weekend, go over the spelling with your child before the exam, send the right uniform on the excursion day, change the pickup time, dentist appointment, add turmeric to the shopping list for the Moroccan dish planned for Friday and ... the list is endless.

We have a good friend that says, "The opposite of forgetting is writing down", but what happens when you need to remember something while you are driving or when you are in bed, ready to go to sleep?

The thought of going to look for a piece of paper and a pen is probably going to make you reject the idea of writing it down and you will overload your memory again.

In the car

When I drive on my own, I get to think a lot about my to-do list. Luckily, my memory is very well organized. I can go in my mind to a certain time of day, imagine myself there easily and remember what I need to do or what things I need to complete an assignment. Not everyone is like that, so sometimes, writing a single word on a piece of paper is enough to remind you what needs to be done.

Make sure you have a notepad and a pen in your car and make sure you take any notes you have written with you when you leave the car.

In bed

Going to sleep is the time when I am most relaxed and all the things I need to remember pop up. The human memory works best where we are calm, so that is no surprise.

Writing down what we need to remember will make your sleep better if you put your thoughts on the paper and no longer have to carry them in your memory. If you remember something when you are in bed and the lights are off, get up, turn the lights on and write it down. Have a pad and a pen/pencil next to your bed.

Make sure to take your notes with you when you wake up in the morning.

You will often find that when you are fresh from a good sleep, you will wake up with more ideas about things to do. Write them down too. You do not have to hold them in your memory until you do them. You can always carry them on a piece of paper instead.

Next to the phone

Having a piece of paper and a pen next to the phone make sense, because we often need to write down numbers and other details when we are on the phone.

It is also important to teach all members of the family to take notes and notify others when someone calls and looks for them. It is embarrassing when one of your kids complains you have forgotten to let them know they were invited to a party. It is annoying when someone else gets a message for you and then forgets it.

On the fridge

The fridge is a good central place to post notes, messages for others in the household and, of course, the shopping list.

Writing the shopping list gradually is a great way to free up lots of memory space in every parent's brain. Write down "dishwasher tablets" 1 week before the run out, "milk" when you open the last bottle, "garbage bags" when you use one and you see there are only 5-6 left in the roll, etc.

Shopping is also much faster when you have a list and you tend to shop less with your hunger or imagination without constantly wondering "Do we have enough toilet paper?"

I ask the kids to write things on the list whenever they want something, when they discover that something is about to run out and when I am too far away or my hands are wet. This way, they develop this great habit too, everybody gets what they want and nobody needs to remember.

In the toilets

As I said, whenever we relax, we remember things better. Going to the toilet makes many people remember what they need to do. Since you cannot just get up and walk to the fridge, you should always have a piece of paper and a pen in the toilet, so you can them it whenever you want to keep something from slipping out of your memory.

At the entrance

A notepad at the entrance to your home can be used to send messages to each other. Our 22-year-old daughter Eden often comes home late and we leave messages for her. We use a small whiteboard to write love letters, requests and things to do for each other. Sometimes, it is just love messages and other times, it is information about the day after that she needs to be aware of. When Gal and I go out and she gets home before we do, she writes us notes and it is great fun to find them.

Work desk

You place of work is the most important place to have a writing pad. It is also important that the pad at work is not just a piece of paper that can get lost in the pile of other papers. You can have it in different color paper, stamped or with lines, but you have to know that this kind of paper is where you collect all the ideas and your to-do list and that you cannot ignore it.

When it is time to stop working and there is something we still need to take care of, I put a note on my laptop and Gal puts his on his keyboard, so when we get there in the morning, we see it before we turn the computer on and take care of it first.

Make your own notepads

In our family, we have notepads everywhere. I have taken all our recycled paper, stapled or glued it and cut it in half to make writing pads from it. Notepads do not have to be fancy. They just need to be available. Now, my kids use them as much as I do.

For a little space in your memory, I think this is a very handy tip.

Have an organized day,
Ronit

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• Disengage Your Autopilot

There is a barrier to breaking up with your partner, but once a couple separates, leaving becomes a viable option for both of them. If the pain of divorce is great, they make the next time easier by not getting married in the first place, saying they are "not ready". Of course, if separation was done in a mature way without much pain, it makes the next time easier too.

One of my clients, I will call him Carl, is a young man who deals with many people for a living. Naturally, among these people are women and some of these women are in his age group. Occasionally, he likes one of them and finds her attractive.

This creates a dilemma for Carl, because he already lives with a lovely young woman. Sally has been by his side for a good number of years through "thick and thin". In fact, Carl has made some serious personal growth thanks to her example and encouragement.

In our session, Carl admitted Sally was good for him. "She's my best friend", he said, "But I can't get that other girl out of my mind. It's making me question whether I want to be with one woman all my life and whether that woman should be Sally. Maybe I'm settling for less than I could get".

"In all your years together, was she not good for you?" I asked.

"She's been wonderful, but she's all I know. Maybe if I looked some more, I'd find someone even better", Carl said.

"Do you think this quest can ever be achieved? If being happy makes you wonder whether you could be better off, what makes you believe you won't be in the same situation with your next partner? Couldn't there always be someone better - taller, richer, nicer, better educated or whatever - even by a little bit? ", I asked him.

"I don't know", he said, "But I see your point. It's just I keep having those thoughts about Monica and I'm afraid to go near her. What if I can't get over myself and one thing will lead to another?"

So I decided to surprise him.

"OK, Carl", I said, "Let's explore this thoroughly right here and now. Please sit comfortably in your chair, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and imagine yourself with Monica".

"What?!" he nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Well, rationally, your situation is clear to you, but you are uncomfortable with how you feel. It's only you and me here and I can't see into your mind, so really, it's only you. You don't have to tell me what you imagine, so it's a totally safe way to experience pursuing another woman 'in the comfort of your own mind', so to speak", I said.

"I... I'm not sure about this", he hesitated.

"It's OK, you have full permission to choose the most attractive woman you know, take her wherever you want to go and do with her whatever you feel like doing. No one will know. Just relax and enjoy the ride", I reassured him.

So Carl sank in his chair, closed his eyes, took a couple of deep breaths and sat quietly for a while. Then, his face looked like he realized something very relaxing and encouraging.

"I see now", he said to me.

"What do you see?"

"Well, I started to approach Monica and I was going to 'pick her up' and have fun with her, but then I realized she doesn't really know me the way Sally does and, well, I can't just be myself with her", he said, "If I go with her, I'll have to spend a lot of effort just introducing myself to her and I'll be giving up way more than I'll be gaining. It was stupid of me to even think about it".

"Well, it might have been stupid of you to actually do it, but dreaming about it and testing it out in your mind is quite clever, actually. This way, you no longer have to wonder and you can go on living happily with Sally. In fact, she gained from your little dream too. Imagine living with someone who isn't sure about the relationship with her. Now, you're sure again, so you can be with her fully. Everybody wins", I said.

"Except Monica", Carl laughed, but then added, "No, I could have messed up her life too, so even she wins".

He paused for a bit and then said, "In a way, it's like going someplace for a holiday. You break your routine and everything is new and exciting, but if you had to do it all the time, it would have all the challenges of your current life and maybe more, so it's nice to come home too".

How to be Faithful

Whether you are a man or a woman, you may have had doubts about being with your partner, particularly if you have gone through rough times together and your relationship was tested. Perhaps you made your commitment to each other when you were young and you wonder what the alternative may feel like.

Why not try the private dreaming technique yourself?

Find a quiet spot where you can be by yourself for a while. Sit in a comfortable chair (if you lie down, you may fall asleep, so stay seated), close your eyes and take a deep breath.

When you are relaxed, think of someone other than your partner you may be (or have been) attracted to (many people have "the one that got away"). Imagine yourself with that person. First, you have to build a relationship with them. Then, you will develop intimacy with them, including exposing yourself physically and emotionally. After that, you will have to deal with various life issues with them, like shopping, decorating, finance, housework, kids, being sick from time to time, spending time with each other's family and so on.

Trying to imagine undressing in front of another partner for the first time may remind you that is no longer an issue with your current partner. In fact, you are likely to find that wherever you turn, you and your partner share a bond that is deeper and more meaningful than you thought.

That is OK. Human beings are creatures of habit. We get used to good things quickly, just as we stop thinking about pedaling on our bike. We just keep going through the motions and enjoy the view. But relationships need to be shaken (and stirred) occasionally and a little imagining session can be great to regain some perspective, appreciation and enthusiasm about what you already have.

Live long and prosper (together),
Gal

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I bet your mind just filled with thoughts of "the children", "my work commitments", "that project I have to finish", "how hard it is to get a babysitter nowadays" and various other seemingly-appropriate reasons for your romantic situation being what it is and why you should not be feeling too horrible about it. Besides, is this not what everyone experiences when they turn from a couple into parents?

Yes, they do, and yes, they all feel just as horrible as you do about it, but does that make it better?

Nope.

The natural progression of our life seems to be that we get really excited about finding a partner that turns us on and can be out friend at the same time. We dedicate much of our time and nearly all of our brainpower to finding that person. We embark on a journey of mutual exploration, during which we are typically so fascinated with the other person, they need to do something truly awful to turn us off.

Once we have found our body-and-soul mate, we go through what is commonly known as "settling down" (is this an ugly expression or what?), which includes some or all of the following: moving in together, getting married, joining finances, buying a home, getting a very large debt together (the mortgage) and, of course, having children. These steps seem to extract the interest and variety out of our life and replace them with certainty to the point of routine and with responsibility to the point of stress.

I heard a joke once about a sex therapist who did a survey at the beginning of a presentation of how frequently the people in the audience had sex. She asked them, "If you have sex more than once a day, please raise your hand". Some people did, mostly young ones.

"OK, now raise your hand if you have sex 2-3 times a week". Many more hands came up.

"Once a week to once a month?" A few hands came up.

"Once a year?"

A middle-aged man in the bad rows started jumping up and down and calling out, "Me, me!"

"Sir, thank you for being so open. Can I ask you, though, why are you so happy about having sex once a year?" asked the expert.

"It's today", said the man.

Which goes to show you that we really should be "getting down to business" with our partner, because it makes us happy. Although having spontaneous romance is best, as we all know, given the circumstances, having routine time slots for it and making deliberate arrangements for quality couple time still beats living like two zombies by a mile.

Over the years, Ronit and I have tried a few things in this area and I want to share with you the ones that worked, because every parent is first and foremost a person, a human being, and we really must remember that. Without taking care of our needs for variety, love and physical touch, we just shrivel up and die gradually and re-igniting that fire we had with our partner becomes harder and harder.

Sleep

Everything in our life is dependent on our physical wellbeing. You cannot enjoy anything when you are tired and you cannot do anything as well as when you are refreshed and healthy.

Sleep is possibly the most overlooked factor in our life. It is our brain's chance of sorting out the day's information overload, dealing with stress and cleaning up emotionally and chemically. When our sleep is not long enough and/or good enough, we get in trouble, and the first thing that goes is our creativity, our spark.

So if you want to "bring back the mojo" in your relationship, go to sleep on time and sleep well for 2-3 days in a row. You will be surprised with the results.

Privacy

As soon as there is a 3^rd person in your home, it becomes difficult to "be alone" together. Many parents make this even worse by putting their babies in bed with them. Given the baby's exclusive access to some parts of the mother for a few months after birth, that only makes things worse.

As your kids grow up and can move around independently, there is a chance they may appear in the most inconvenient moment, which some people may find daring and exciting, but most find inhibiting. Toddlers also go through periods of testing boundaries, during which they invent clever stories that will land them in your bed for the night. Unless you learn to prevent this from happening, romantic privacy becomes a rare occasion.

So you just have to close the door to your bedroom.

What? But what about the kids?

Yeah, that is exactly what I said, but guess what - they got used to it a lot faster than me...

For extra safety, when things get really hot, also lock the door. When the door is closed, the major gesture has already been made and quickly and quietly locking the door is not such an obvious giveaway of your private activities.

An added bonus of having your bedroom door closed is being able to sleep without anything on, which removes the barrier of clothes, adds the feeling of warm skin under the blankets and creates many opportunities for spontaneity.

It is also a lot cooler in the summer ;)

Dating

Remember this activity that once occupied much of your young life? It is where two people who like each other go out for a walk, to the movies, to a club or to a restaurant and just enjoy their time together and each other's company. Dating can be done with other couples and sometimes alone, but it is good fun and very romantic.

Yes, with all the work and commute and deadlines and housework and the cost of living and the difficulty getting a babysitter and all the other things that make it hard, dating can be hard, but it is not impossible. In fact, with a bit of planning and the right focus, you should find some time each week to go out with your partner.

Leave work at work, leave the kids at home, leave your balance in the bank, leave the bills on the dining room table or the kitchen counter, leave your worries behind and spend some time being a couple again. Talk, listen, look into each other's eyes, smile at each other, have something nice to eat and drink, do something you both like to do (or alternate doing what one of you prefers), just do it.

Ronit and I love to watch movies. Sure, we like the ones that make us think, but we often pick films for the atmosphere we know they will create for us. We sit quietly in the dark, hold hands or cuddle (if we can get rid of the armrest), soak up the romance coming from the screen and hang on to it until we get back home.

So get your diaries out now, set a time every week for dating and get romantic.

Little things

This is a list of things that are not big, but when they are done consistently, they help create a romantic atmosphere, or at least they do not break it.

I go for a walk every morning. On the way, there are many trees and bushes with flowers that look great, smell good or both. Although I never pick them off the trees, I often find flowers that have dropped to the ground and bring them home to Ronit, who loves flowers.

Some time ago, Ronit started making my coffee in the morning. At first, she was unsure how to use the espresso machine, but after a couple of attempts, I commented that the coffee tasted better when she made it and that maybe she poured some love into it to make that difference. After that, the morning coffee became a daily sign of affection for us that started each day on a positive note.

In a hectic day, particularly when working at home, it can be tempting to "let ourselves go" a bit - skip shaving, skip brushing our hair, wear baggy clothes, etc. While we may not dress up every day as we do when we go out, Ronit and I both take care of our appearance. We have found out that putting on our "business attire" not only makes us look better to our partner but also makes us feel better about ourselves. I sometimes dress up intentionally to get my energy higher and it helps me feel confident and upbeat all day long. Making yourself comfortable while forgetting to attract your partner implies that romance is not high enough on your priority list and can be a turn off for your partner. Making yourself look pretty in the morning only takes a few minutes, but the compounding effect is well worth that time.

Make sure your bedroom is heated well enough during cold times and cooled well enough during hot times. A comfortable temperature really helps to roll around freely.

Remembering important dates, complimenting achievements, listening and showing trust may all seem to be unrelated, but they are. Again, your partner is a person that needs to feel accepted and valued. A good romantic connection is built on good communication.

You may want to search this site for communication styles and love languages to help you figure out the best ways to be in touch with your partner, as well as things you could say to guide him/her towards what you like.

Finally, spend one of your dates writing your "50 things that make me happy" lists, including daily things that require little effort, time and/or money, and then swap them. Having your partner's list is almost as good as being a mind reader. Make sure to list romantic things and let the magic happen.

Happy times,
Gal

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Deciding what to do, what not to do and how to do things in your life (in this case, in your parenting) depends greatly on your circumstances, your beliefs, values and needs and the destination of your life's journey. There are no two people on Earth, not even twins, whose life circumstances, beliefs, values, needs and destination are identical. Therefore, we all need different sets of rules.

In parenting, this is even more so, because there are no two people that have the same circumstances, beliefs, values, needs, destination, as well as a relationship with the same person (with the same circumstances, beliefs, values, needs and destination) and the same kids (each with the same circumstances, beliefs, values, needs and destination). Can you see how complicated it is to fit a single set of rules to every parent?

Here is t a good example to understand this. I will write just a few variables that have contributed to my parenting bible and there is no chance you share all of them:

1. I was born with a physical disability
2. I grew up in a big family (4 siblings)
3. I was in special education at school
4. I was a very bad student during most of my school years
5. I am a special education expert
6. I studied a lot about parenting formally and have been growing this knowledge every day for years
7. I have been with Gal (the same partner) for 30 years
8. I have 3 children (a girl, a boy and a girl)
9. My kids are 6½ and 5½ years apart in age
10. Each of my kids was born in a different place in the world
11. My kids are bilingual
12. My kids play musical instruments (Gal does too)
13. I have done well financially (since I was 25)
14. My kids have travelled the world and lived in different countries
15. I have moved house about 26 times during my life
16. My oldest daughter moved 16 times (she is 22)
17. My kids have grown up most of their life away from their extended family (what a pity)

The list is obviously huge and each item of it has changed my circumstances, beliefs, values, and needs and directed me towards a different destination. Hence my version of a parenting bible.

Can you see that if you do not have Gal as your partner for 30 years, you would need different parenting rules? Can you see that living right next to your parents changes many things?

If I argue with someone about the right way to parent, I actually tell them they must believe in the same things I do, without having the same circumstances in life that have brought me to that position. It just does not work.

A parenting bible is meant to help you make decisions, refine them and read them when you circumstances change and you are confused. In a sense, it is meant to prevent you from arguing with yourself. On the other hand, arguing with others about what to write in your parenting bible means you did not understand how to make good use of it.

I am writing my parenting bible not that you copy it, because you cannot. Physically copying my rules does not make them part of you. It is implementing them and living by them that make them "biblical" for you.

Finding ideas you can start adopting is just a start. I will add another 10 today to give you more ideas. Feel free to check any one you wish until you convince yourself it can get into your bible.

1. If your kid does something bad, it does not mean it will become a habit - when raising kids, do not play fortuneteller, because you are not. Do not tell your kids (or yourself) that if they eat with their hands at the age of five, it means they will grow up to be rude grownups with no manners. When you are saying to yourself, "If I let him stay late one night, he'll think he can stay late every night", notice you are playing fortuneteller and stop yourself (keep your day job).
2. Comparing between kids is natural, but if the results of the comparison are always to one child's advantage, give it up! Kids do not need to live up to their siblings' standards. They did not choose to be born into a family with a smart, talented, athletic, genius, friendly sibling, so do not make it worse by comparing. This is how lots of sibling rivalry starts.
3. I do not have to repeat my parents' parenting style - at any stage, I can choose to adopt their commandments or reject them. I know they did the best they could and with awareness and adjustment, I can have a better bible, one that matches my philosophy and works better for me and my kids.
4. I tell my kids I expect them to question my parenting style and come up with a better parenting bible - I tell them that if they do exactly the same things I do, it will be very disappointing. It means they will not evolve and they will not improve. Every parenting style needs to survive the test of reality and my reality is different to theirs.
5. It is OK to change my mind - if I had a commandment at some stage and it is no longer what I think I should do, it is OK for me to change my mind. If my son says to me, "But you allowed Eden to do it", I have every right to say, "When Eden was your age over 6 years ago, I thought differently". When Eden was young and wanted to have her ears pierced, I was OK with it. Years later, I started considering ear piercing (or any piercing) a form of self-abuse. I have 3 piercings in my ears. I did the first two when I was 5 or 6 - our neighbor did it to all the girls. Some families did it to their baby girls when they were 3-6 months old. My neighbor used a sewing needle sterilized with Vodka. I did the third piercing when I was 18, but at the age of 30 (even before people started piercing every place in their body), I decided it was bad for my body. Eden said to me, "How can you say you are against piercing when you have 3?" I told her that I am now a person and a parent who cares about my body and that now I would not even pierce my ears, because I have changed my mind about it".
6. The teenage years are wonderful and fun - teens are not monsters because of hormonal changes. What people call temper tantrums, I call cries for help and signs of confusion. The teen years can be the most wonderful years of anyone's life. Do not ever treat them with fear and do not join others in the game of complaining about your teens. It is a contagious disease and spreads quickly. Teens are no more hormonal than moms with PMS.
7. Kids are more flexible than their parents - do not avoid doing things because you are afraid your kids might not cope with them. Notice that you are afraid yourself and you are projecting your fear. Kids are very flexible and get used to things easily. Do not be afraid to move a house, rearrange their room, change their bed or leave school in the middle of the semester for a family vacation. Kids are amazingly adaptable!
8. Technology is great, but it does not mean I have to own every gadget to be a good parent - high-definition TV is awesome, but I do not have to have one at home. Mobile phones are wonderful, but it does not mean my kids must have them (from 4^th Grade) just because everyone else has them. MP3 players and iPods are magnificent, but we listen to loud music at home, so there is no need to buy them just to fit in.
9. Parenting rules change with kids' age - the rules I have for raising a 6-year-old are not the same as the rules for raising the same girl when she is 15. Use birthdays as a change point for the rules. Not that there is a biological magic in the birthday, but it is the easiest date to remember. From time to time, allow your kids to ask for a change in the rules to suit their needs.
10. My way of wanting or showing love is not the only way - every generation has a different way to show love. My parents showed me love by giving me services. I tell my kids verbally that I love them and I write them love notes. Gal hugs them and spends time with them. Teach your kids there is more than one way to express and feel love so that they can recognize love in everything you do. Hopefully, they will be able to show love in different ways, too.

Join me next week for the chapter about parenting role models.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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