At the headquarters of National Semiconductor in Santa Clara, California, there was a sign posted on the wall of a corridor, which read

Doing no more than the average is what brings the average down

Let's say 10 people do their best work digging holes. On average, they dig 5 holes a day, because 1 digs 7 holes, 2 dig 6 holes, 4 dig 5 holes, 2 dig 4 holes and 1 digs 3 holes.

On their second week of work, they are told about the group's average performance. Those who dug more than 5 holes in the previous week feel like they gave more than the rest, so they all slow down and dig 5 holes each. So 7 people now dig 5 holes each, while the others continue as before.

The new average? 4.6 holes per person per day. So by doing no more than the (previous) average, a new average is created, which is lower, and this could continue until everybody digs 3 holes a day, like the slowest worker.

How is this related to the divorce rate?

In the past, divorce was unacceptable in many societies. Once people got married, which was often by parental arrangement, they were stuck with their partners for life. Marriage was literally "until death do us part". Being married for life was what everybody did. The average divorce rate was 0%.

Believing that ending their marriage while both partners were alive was not an option, the only available course of action was to make the marriage work. Sometimes, that was just as much fun as digging holes, but everyone dug 7 a day and kept their mouths shut.

Now, when you try to make a marriage work and you are committed to it for the long haul, you make decisions accordingly. You join bank accounts, split the responsibilities for best household performance and comfort, do your best to get to know your partner and try to be accommodating. In return, you could also rely on your partner to be there for you in times of difficulty, simply because he or she was as committed to the marriage as you were.

But even before the marriage started, young people (or their parents) spent time considering "the right person", the person they would commit the rest of their life to and that would commit theirs back to them. In every society, the values and preferred qualities were different, but still, there was more of an effort to make the best choice of partner.

At some point, perhaps because of exposure to other ways of life and alternative sets of beliefs, divorce became an option. At first, it was easier on the men, then it became easier on the women, but the floodgates were opened.

After that, the average started to crawl upwards. Knowing another person, maybe even a friend or a relative, who had divorced, gave unconscious permission to others to do the same. Celebrities' divorces started to make the whole thing fashionable. Why, if so-and-so could get a divorce and remain beautiful, rich and famous, anybody could.

Of course, when you think of your marriage as a temporary arrangement, from which you can always "bale out", your decisions are all different. You always have to cover yourself in the event of your marriage's untimely demise.

So you keep a personal bank account "on the side". Just in case. Who knows when you might need it? And you keep in touch with some friends from your past who have shown an interest in you. Just in case. Who knows when you might have to spend the night somewhere else?

But you also approach your partner in a more cautious way. On the surface, it may be presented as respect, but maybe there is more than a little bit of fear in it. Fear of causing a big enough fight, of losing the relationship, of losing the kids, the house, the comfort.

I know some people who live in "his house" or drive "her car". Living in someone else's house must feel like living on charity. It is not a good foundation for an equal relationship.

In "blended families", people may even struggle with the question "Whose child is this?" If a man marries a woman with a 2-year-old child, at which point does he become the kids' dad? Does he ever? What if he wants to tell the kid to go to bed at 11pm? Does he have the right?

And the more divorces, the more permission to divorce and the more divorces still. After all, "Everybody's doing it".

If this is not enough, divorces have created such a big market that dating sites provide a lot more than 50 ways to leave your lover. "Family" lawyers abound who will help you prepare such prenuptial agreements you will start suspecting your prospective partner before you even say, "I do", and you will have that agreement on your mind in difficult times to help you calculate the benefits of breaking up the marriage.

Of course, with a strong "prenup", you can jump into marriage with just about anyone, because you can always get out of it in a hurry too.

Kids? Nope, nothing in the prenup about them. Tough (for them, anyway).

Now, all of the above is my interpretation of how it works, but I can tell you there are people I know who demonstrate these differences in attitude so well, I feel it is about right.

Bottom line:

1. Forget what everybody is doing and do the best you can in your own marriage
2. If you are not married (again) yet, consider communication styles, love language, beliefs and values before joining hands (civil or religious, it does not matter)
3. Imagine a full life with your partner, including having kids, moving, making money, losing money, having a mid-life crisis (one each), kids leaving home, retirement and old age (may we all get to that in peace), and be ready for them
4. Commit yourself wholeheartedly to that one special person and decide to see your relationship as breakable only by death, and maybe not even that (who knows?). Make every decision within the marriage framework and make every decision count
5. Share ownership of everything you own officially. In our modern times, this is one of the strongest ways to demonstrate your commitment - putting your money where your mouth is
6. Invest in yourself as a person. It is much easier being together when you are happy
7. Develop your relationship skills and invest in your partner and your marriage
8. Children of divorced parents hurt for life. Remember your responsibility for your kids and always consider how your decisions affect them
9. Keep an image of your partner from when you decided to tie your lives together. This can be a picture or anything else that reminds you how you felt about him or her. Use this image to strengthen your commitment and to help you notice these things in your partner every day

Just to clarify, "marriage" is any exclusive adult relationship that involves living together and sharing resources, especially when children are involved.

Happy marriage,
Gal

You may want to read

• Anger Management: Be Prepared
• Crazy, Stupid, Love
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Gender

Couples that are still together do not have fewer difficulties. They sort them out before they get out of control.

In my relationship coaching program, I hear many couples use statements that make fun of commitment, mock stability and relationships and encourage giving up the marriage as an easy, accepted and preferable thing. They have read them on the Internet, seen them in "funny" PowerPoint presentations or watched them in video clips.

One of my clients is going through a divorce over something that could be easily fixed if both partners could sit together and talk. They had an argument over money. She wanted 150K, he wanted to give her 90K and to sort this out, they have had to hire lawyers, go to court and pay the 60K the argued over in fees. So forget about it, because divorce is never easy!

If you check the beliefs of divorcées about marriage, you will find that they always have the wrong ones - those witty, mocking, sarcastic beliefs.

My suggestion is to make sure you swap them with good beliefs. To help you do it, I have gathered the best marriage quotes I could find. I hope you will find some you like and can adopt, and I hope you can make good use of them.

What I've Learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean they don't love you all they can.

I've learned that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I've learned that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

- Omer Washington

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years
- Simone Signoret

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person
- Mignon McLaughlin

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers
- Ruth Bell Graham

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry
- Tom Mullen

Each divorce is the death of a small civilization.
- Pat Conroy

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time
- Thomas Edison

Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of becoming passionate friends
- Harville Hendrix

To get divorced because love has died, is like selling your car because it's run out of gas
- Diane Sollee

Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation
- Oscar Wilde

As for his secret to staying married, my wife tells me that if I ever
decide to leave, she is coming with me
- Jon Bon Jovi

They say it takes a village to raise a child. That may be the case, but the truth is that it takes a lot of solid, stable marriages to create a village
- Diane Sollee

I am convinced that if we as a society work diligently in every other area of life and neglect the family, it would be analogous to straightening deck chairs on the Titanic.
- Stephen Covey

Divorce is like an amputation. Sometimes it's necessary but it should be avoided if at all possible because it brings about a permanent disability
- Bill Doherty

Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside
- Frank Pittman

It is sometimes essential for a husband and a wife to quarrel - they get to know each other better
- Goethe

I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I'll be the first to admit that it's possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you
- Zig Ziglar

I like not only to be loved, but to be told that I am loved; the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave
- George Eliot

The goal is to have a conversation in a way so that you can have another conversation tomorrow
- Unknown

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up
- Joseph Barth

Sex is a conversation carried out by other means. If you get on well out of bed, half the problems of bed are solved
- Peter Ustinov

For wherever you go, I will go,
And wherever you lodge, I will lodge,
Your people will be my people,
And, your God, my God
- Ruth 1:16

Love doesn't commit suicide. We have to kill it. Though, it's true that it often simply dies of our neglect
- Diane Sollee

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you
- Winnie the Pooh

The success of marriage comes not in finding the "right" person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married
- John Fischer

Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly
understood that they are on the same side
- Zig Ziglar

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each
other but in looking outward together in the same direction
- Antoine De Saint-Exupery

A good marriage is a contest of generosity
- Diane Sawyer

Let there be spaces in your togetherness
- Khalil Gibran

Be presidents of each other's fan clubs
- Tony Heath

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, the grounds for marriage
- Robert Anderson

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and
another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a lot of overlap
- Mignon McLaughlin

Choose your love, then love your choice
- Unknown

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance
- I Corinthians 13:7

When marrying, ask yourself this question:
Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with
this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Marriage, families, all relationships are more a process of learning
the dance rather than finding the right dancer
- Paul Pearsall

There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a
door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side
of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps
- Ronald Reagan

Marriage is our society's most pro-child institution. If you want kids to do well, then you want marriage to do well
- David Blankenhorn

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're still alive
- Olando Battista

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother
- Theodore Hesburgh

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage
- Lao Tzu

Unfortunately, there are too many sarcastic quotes out there that plant the seed of giving up. I hope the ones I included here will change this for you. Pick the ones you like and post them where you can read them every day. If you read them over and over again, they will eventually become part of your happy marriage.

Love and friendship,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Easy Divorce
• Crazy, Stupid, Love
• How to be Faithful

The problem with pressure is that it also damages our ability to reason and function severely. It interferes with remembering things, with being creating and with our perception of what goes on around us. We see the world through narrow slits in a thick armor, we see everything tinted bright red, we hear everything pitchy and sharp and very little makes sense.

Intense pressure can even make us feel like there is no hope and nobody to help us. It is as if we are invisible.

A long time ago, I saw a movie, I think it was Ordinary People, where a mother walked over to her teenage son, touched him gently and said, "I see you". That line stuck with me and I have used the idea in it many times with the people I love.

In another movie, Dune, people fight with invisible shields, which are very effective at blocking quick, strong sword movements. When fighting a person using this type of shield, the only way to defeat them is with a slow moving movement, like sticking a knife in while distracting their attention.

I think the "I see you" method works well because the other person is using an invisible shield that is very effective at blocking direct methods, like advice, jokes and uninvited help. It works especially well with teenagers, who see many things as threats to their identity and independence.

When we see someone we care about under pressure, we often try to help by finding out about their problem and then offering a solution. Other times, there may be a conflict between what we need and what the other person needs, which makes us focus on getting what we need. Both of these methods generally fail when there is enough stress involved.

You see, albeit irrational, most people translate having a problem to "I'm not good enough". If you try to help them, it just means they were not good enough to solve their own problem. If you focus on yourself, that is yet another thing they have to deal with.

A better approach is to validate the person, to make them feel good about themselves despite what they might be dealing with and to reassure them that they are not alone.

When Ronit and I go to bed at night, no matter what happened during that day, no matter what I still have to do the following day (and maybe even later), no matter if we talk about our challenges and find solutions or not, I still get to cuddle with her and all my worries dissolve. My body just lets go of the pressure and I surrender to the softness and warmth of her embrace.

Unfortunately for our kids, they have nobody to cuddle with in bed. Unfortunately for all of us, our daily pressures build up so quickly sometimes that going 16 hours until we can feel accepted and validated again seems like a very long time.

So in-between, we can send little signs of affirmation to one another, particularly when we can see someone who is under pressure. We can let them know that we see them, that we are there for them and that we care about them even when they are hard on themselves.

Here are some ways to say, "I see you":

• Catch their eye and smile
• Blow them a kiss
• Walk over to them and put your hand on their shoulder for a while. According to Reiki, this is a way to give them positive energy, which their body will use as it needs. This is a gentle way of distracting them from their mental down-spiral and giving them something warm to focus on
• Give them a hug and hold on until you feel them relax (typically, they will take a deep breath just before). If the person is sitting down, try something else first, but if they are standing, a hug should be great. Offer the hug without words, if you can. Stretching your arms out should be obvious enough. If you need to say something, rather than saying, "Give me a hug", say, "How about a hug?" and wait for approval.
• If you know they like it, stroke their hair, massage their shoulders or hold their face in your hands. As you do, try to turn their gaze upwards. Our brain is wired so that negative thoughts are only possible when we look down and looking up is all about the future
• Pressure is a lot easier to handle when you have had enough sleep, enough water and enough food. Cater to their physical needs
• Give them space by keeping things quiet and by taking care of things that might add to their burden, like making dinner or washing the dishes. When Ronit is particularly busy, she really appreciates the person who takes care of dinner, because it is one less thing she needs to worry about
• Give them a little note saying, "I love you", "I'm here for you" or even "Bad day?" You can also put a flower down beside them as a symbolic note
• Tell them, "I see you", and explain what it means when you do it the first time. This can become part of your "secret code" with your children and your partner

Whatever you do, approach slowly and gently and focus on making the other person feel good overall.

If you can relate to any of this, you can also share it with the people who love you and let them know they can help you in times of stress in the same ways. Although they want to support you, they may not know how and this will make everybody feel better at the same time.

Handling pressure is a modern-day necessity. By learning how to relieve other people's pressure, including your kids, you will also model kind and powerful behavior to them and equip them with the skills to be happy in life.

Happy days,
Gal

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach
• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person

Ask open questions

Whenever you meet your kids after school and work, show interest in their day. Do not confuse asking questions with interrogating - one comes from curiosity and the other one from a need to control. So pay attention to the tone of your voice and to your intention and ask to hear the child's answer. If you expect some "correct" answer, it is not quality time and your child will not trust you next time to answer your question. Instead, gently explore with your child his or her impressions, reasons and feelings.

Tip: when you ask a child "How was your day?" the answer is typically in the form of a rating, e.g. "Good". To avoid this dead end, rephrase the question as "Tell me about your day" or "What happened to you at school today?"

Have a splash in the bath

With young children, bath time is a great time to be together. When they are really young, you should not leave them on their own anyway, so you might as well enjoy it. Try to extend this time as long as possible to create good memories.

Even if your kids can shower on their own, you can bring a chair or a stool, sit next to them and ask them about their day and what they need to do the next day. This helps them think and sort out their thoughts and they will appreciate it.

If you are not sure about the right time to stop sitting next to them in the shower, ask them, "Would you like me to come and be with you in the shower?" Noff, our 10-year-old daughter, sometimes asks us to read her a book while she is in the bathtub, because she cannot get the book into the bathtub with her. This makes bath time a lot of fun and gives us a chance to monitor and influence her reading.

Bedtime

Bedtime is also a wonderful opportunity to spend quality time with your kids. Reading a story and talking about the story, or about the child's feelings and thoughts about the story, can help you get to know your child.

Remember, it is not a test, so do not ask questions about the plot or who told who what, but find out how your child interprets the story and what he or she feels about it. Also, even when you put your kids to bed on a regular basis, make sure it does not like a routine you just want to finish and leave. Ask your kids what they want to do and mix things up a bit.

We sometimes play hide and seek before bed, we tickle one another, jump on the beds and have pillow fights and crack stupid jokes.

Involve kids in daily tasks

Anything that needs to be done can be done with the kids. Use your time together to ask questions, listen and learn about your children. Make cooking, cleaning and laundry family activities, where each person contributes what they can, and use this time to practice your curiosity.

Remember that kids learn by example, so rather than teaching them the best way to fold a shirt when they are 2, let them experiment and feel good about being "helpful".

Do the things you do not like doing or your kids do not like doing together in a fun way and use this time to learn about each other and feel good with each other.

I hate folding the laundry and so do other members of my family (no wonder). We came up with a solution that on Sunday evenings, we all do the folding together. We use this time to sing, listen to music, tell each other stories and discuss our families, our childhoods, our adventures and even philosophy. It is a time well used and no one thinks about how much they hate folding while they focus on the discussion.

Cooking together is a great bonding time for children and parents. Even 2-year-old children can pour things into a pot, bring things from the cupboard, stir and set the table. It makes them proud of themselves and gives them a feeling of accomplishment (even when you do most of the job).

When they start reading, get them to read the recipes and even let them be the chef while you are the helper. We have teenagers and they cook with us, they cook with each other and they cook on their own.

Make sure you are not upset when your kids are in the kitchen. Kids can tell if you love having them around or not. My mum is a chef. She did not like us in the kitchen, so when we came, she told us to clean the dishes or do the things she hated doing (like cutting and peeling). When she finished, she used to leave the kitchen and leave us (usually, that was one of us who dared to ask to be with her while she cooked) to clear everything. We hated it. It was not quality time. It was punishment.

Do not try to cheat it, because your kids will know. If you use this time together to lecture, to show them you know better, to make them do what you hate doing, to control them and tell them how exactly to wash the dishes, it is not quality time and do not fool yourself by thinking it is.

Do things together as a family

Sometimes, relationships between parents and children are tense, but the presence of another person eases that tension. In that case, doing something as a family can help and increase the quality of the time together. When we travel together, we consider that quality family time.

Driving

Being in the car together is a great opportunity to have quality time with your children. Make sure you do not use your mobile phone while driving and do not allow your kids to plug anything into their ears. Use this time to ask and learn about your kids' timetables, friends, fears and dreams. You can also play music and sing along, challenge the kids to navigate, count all the yellow cars and play other "spying" games (like Kiss Buggy).

Go to the movies

Pick a movie you both (all) want to see and make sure you go an hour before to allow you to be together. Sitting next to each other in the cinema is not quality time. The quality time is when you have time to spend together before the movie and after, when you remember and discuss the movie.

We sometimes go to a movie only with Eden, which makes her feel grown up. You can do the same and dedicate an outing just to one child for some extra special attention.

Do projects together

Build something, fix something around the house, plant a vegetable garden, renovate, plan a trip somewhere or organize an event together. Projects are an excellent way to be together and use your time effectively at the same time.

In the month before our new kitchen arrived, we spent the weekends and some weekdays removing the old kitchen, fixing and painting. We did it together and it was a great bonding time for everyone.

Quality over quantity

Although more quality time is better than less, it is important to remember that you do not punch a clock. If you think you have to spend an hour of quality time a week, you are on the wrong track. It is not the time that counts but the quality of that time. This is mostly important in situations when you are not seeing your child every day, like when you are divorced, working long hours or travel away from home. You have to consider the quality of your time with your kids rather than the quantity.

If you want to know better, ask your child at the end of every time you spend together, "How did you enjoy this thing we did together from 1-10?" It will help you understand how meaningful it was for him or her.

If you are far away, you can still keep in touch by emails, SMS, Skype or phone (no one writes letters anymore). I have family members that live on the other side of the world and we can spend great times together watching my nephews or talking to my sisters about them and about us, while the bond gets stronger and stronger.

Quality time is time spent together in an enjoyable way that contributes to a bond between two people. It requires undivided attention, curiosity about the other person and some creativity. As a parent, you must develop the skills of using your time well to strengthen the bond between you and your children from the minute they are born.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Quality Time: The Gift of Your Presence
• Put a Little Love in Your Heart
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

Love, as you know, is the most important thing you can give your children. Although you may not have any doubts about your love for your children, they often do. If you want to understand their doubt, think of your own doubts about your parents' love for you.

Now, when I am a parent myself, I have no doubts about my parents love for me, but when I was a child, I had many doubts. It took me a long time to learn that what they called "love" was not my definition of love and I translated their behavior into "They don't love me".

In my parenting workshops and coaching sessions, many parents share the same feelings with me. There are things you discover about your parents' love for you only when you have your own kids and when you get the opportunity to learn about "love languages".

The great book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman describes 5 different ways to express and receive love:

• Words of affirmation
• Gifts
• Physical touch
• Acts of service
• Quality time

This post and the next one are about Quality Time.

Quality time is a very tricky concept for parents. In this day and age, the pressure on parents' time is so high that they feel their time with their children and family is shrinking, along with their quality time. I can say that I have less and less time with my children and I feel that traveling with them around the world is much more attractive to me than pushing for a weekend together.

For children whose preferred love language is quality time, being born into this world can be tough. When parents must work long hours just to fulfill the basic needs of their family and feel exhausted at the end of the day, time is very precious.

In my kids' coaching assessments, I find that many of the kids are short on quality time with one or two of their parents, which draws lots of energy from them. Sometimes, more quality time is the only prescription required to solve the child's difficulty.

Children who feel loved because their parents show them love in the way they need it are happier.

Quality time is meaningful for everyone

Quality time between children and parents is an expression of love and closeness. It is important to note that not every minutes spent together is quality time. For it to be considered "quality", it must be meaningful for both sides.

It is important to understand what quality time is not. If the time together is meaningful for one side and painful for the other, it is not quality. I think many parents confuse between doing things together and enjoying each other's company. If the activity is focused only on the child and the parent suffers every second of it, it is not quality. If the time spent together is focused only on the parent and the child suffers every second of it, it is not quality time either.

Many parents think their children are ungrateful when they are not delighted that their parents spend time with them and are blind to the fact the children hate that time together. Teaching children when they hate it is not quality time.

How to find ideas for quality time with your kids

As you might expect, this involves making a list and ... checking it twice:

1. Make a list of things you will be happy to do together
2. Ask your child to make a list of things to do together that will make him/her happy
3. Compare lists and find things you will both be happy to do together

It is important to make sure both sides enjoy the time together. If one of you dislikes an activity, drop it and move on.

Attention is important

Children will test your love by how much you are attuned to their needs and their life experiences. Unfortunately, we cannot expect the kids to be equal in this area, because the adult needs to set the tone and be the role model for how to pay attention. Over time, the kids will learn the skills of paying attention and will show you love that way too. However, quality-time kids are naturally more attentive than kids who "speak" a different love language.

If you come to your kids' special events, remember they have an exam or spend time with them when they need to practice a new dance, they will be very appreciative and feel loved. Do not have an attention competition and do not expect them to come to all your events or remember everything in your life. You are the adult!

Caring about your child and being a good listener is very important for a quality-time child. Again, spending time together with real curiosity can make children feel important and respected. It is important to remember that listening focuses on the child and sets an example, while talking mostly uses your time with your children to fulfill your own needs. You are not showing love, you are demanding love. This is a way to pollute your time together, so do not be surprised if your quality-time child avoids spending time with you.

Quality time cannot be cheated

If you are spending time with your kids and all you want is to be somewhere else, that is not quality time and your child can tell that you are not present with them. Quality time means they have your undivided attention and if they do not have it, they cannot settle for "half a daddy" or "half a mommy". It is better to spend time together, but when you are there, be there!

Time together must be enjoyable

I know many parents think that teaching their children is quality time, because they are giving their kids something of value. Most children, on the other hand, hate every second of it.

When you spend time with your kids doing something they hate doing, it may make it easier for them to do it, but it is not necessarily quality time. If they spend the whole time complaining, it is obviously not quality for them.

Use fun and enjoyment as an indication of the quality of the activity. It does not have to be 100% fun, but it needs to be more fun than not. If they need to clean their room and you offer to help, it is only quality time if your presence stops them from complaining and creates a happy atmosphere.

Join me next week for tips and ideas to enhance the quality time with your kids during bath time, bedtime and even while doing the cleaning.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Quality Time: How to Have Fun with Your Kids
• Put a Little Love in Your Heart
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

The film we saw was called The Whistleblower. It is a story of an American police officer who works for the United Nations' peacekeeping forces in Bosnia and uncovers a women trafficking operation. We sat on big, soft cushions on the grass at a park by the Brisbane River, the weather was perfect, the atmosphere was magical, we were happy for the chance to get away for a bit in each other's company.

Then, the movie started.

The level of brutality shown on the screen by the traffickers towards the women, the complete disregard for the law and the strong violation of every moral system I could think of disturbed me to the core. I had to struggle to keep watching some scenes and felt terrible for poor Ronit who is generally more sensitive than I am.

When we talked about the movie in the car on the way home, we both wondered what would compel anyone to abuse another person in such a way. Our conclusion was that these people had no love in their hearts. Not romantic love. Kindness, compassion, empathy, tenderness, comradery, friendship and understanding towards another human being.

All they had was fear. It was in their eyes. It was in their laughs. It was in their intonation. It was in their words. Because without love, fear is all that is left.

A few days later, we went to a Christian wedding of the lovely daughter of a lovely couple of friends of ours. We expected to hear about Jesus and God, but the wedding celebrant (who is also the bride's aunt), spent some time explaining why God is love.

She said something like, "People say that God is loving, and He is loving, but that is not his essence. God is love. Because love accepts without condition, encourages without limits and makes everything better".

And I thought to myself, "I wish every person in the world thought this way. Whether they were religious or not, if everybody's faith was in love, this world would be a much better place".

Many people are uncomfortable with expressing love, because they have heard little or no love spoken to them, they have not been hugged or stroked and they have not been praised. Some have had mostly abuse from their parents.

At Ronit's parenting workshops, participants are asked to list the 4 things they want most for their children. Some list health, some list money, some list success, but everyone lists happiness. Ronit then asks them to give up the least important thing and keep just 3, then just 2 and finally, only 1. The parents agonize over the "lost" values, but invariably, they leave happiness in their hands.

When Ronit asks them, "Is this what you spend most of your parenting time on?" some of the parents burst into tears, because they realize that the fighting and forcing and nagging only take away from the thing they want most for their kids - happiness. After this experience, the parents determine to go home and show their children nothing but love, no matter what happens.

We keep in touch with them and that is what many of them do. Parents who have not had love as kids must make an effort to express love for their children, but the rewards are tremendous.

From the kids' point of view, love is a natural thing and expressing it is easy. When we lived in Singapore, Tsoof was 3 years old and had his own room. Sometimes, he played by himself, and then felt alone, so he called out, "Mom/Dad, I love you" and we would reply, "I love you too".

That kept him happily playing in his room for a while longer, knowing we were there for him if he needed us. When he grew up (and, OMG, became a teenager), he started using the same method to diffuse conflicts. Say Noff is upset with him and starts talking tough, he says, "I love you too" and she softens (if not, he says it again).

With Christmas just around the corner, I wanted to encourage you to show your love for your children as much as you can. Giving gifts is certainly a great way, but it is only one of the 5 languages of love.

I also wanted to leave you with a song from a Christmas film (Scrooged), which captured the essence of this post very well. The lyrics are below, so you can sing along (go easy if you are at work, but go nuts if you are at home).

Loving parenting,
Gal

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Steve Carell makes movies that are full of embarrassing moments and this usually turns me off. I see him as the American version of Mr. Bean. I also find his acting melodramatic and externalized and I generally prefer subtle and deep. In this film, he was not only the main character, he was also the producer, which should have had me running in the other direction, except I only found that out in the final credits, and by that time, I already had a lot of respect for him.

If you have not seen Crazy, Stupid, Love, it starts with a marriage breakdown and divorce, continues through the attempted recovery of both partners and their children and at the same time, weaves in the generational difference between the old one-partner-from-a-young-age and the new ongoing-partying-and-casual-sex-until-thirty-something. Here is the trailer (see you on the other side):

A web of good people

What I found special about this movie is that unlike the typical good-vs-bad attitude and one-sided story lines we see a lot, this story shows how good, well-meaning people can be hurt and their lives can be complicated. It shows each character close up and personal, so their point of view keeps making sense, but the clashes and awkward moments are painfully inevitable.

Good parenting comes first

The Weavers got together when they were young and had kids early, but they are great parents. They clearly love their children and respect them as human beings. They have meaningful conversations and actually listen to them, even when the kids speak the naked truth.

I loved this, because there are some excellent examples in the film for how to be honest with your kids, how to communicate with them at eye level and how to benefit from their perspective. I loved it even more because they managed to stay great parents despite their marriage problems and personal struggles (Cal Weaver is such a pushover at the start of the film).

The Weaver children have their difficulties too, and they express those in various (and sometimes dysfunctional) ways, but in general, they are really good kids who love their parents and describe how they feel in surprising clarity. Many parents might sit in the cinema and think, "Yeah, right, like a 13-year-old would ever do THAT", but my 15-year-old son is now going through some challenging times and handling them even better.

Common marriage problems

The relationship problems shown in the movie are very common these days. With the divorce rate hovering around 50% in the USA and Australia, it is also very common for these marriage problems to end in a divorce and for the couple to become two single parents and struggle to restore their self-esteem and stability in life.

But marriages that last still suffer erosion and married couples who stay together still lose the romance and the passion sometimes. Feeling unheard, unappreciated and even unloved is part of every couple's life. If they pay attention and refocus their relationship, it lasts, but if they let things slide too long, divorce can seem like a blessing.

What makes a man

Young Jacob is rich by inheritance and spends his days in leisure and his nights in pleasure with young women. He is very confident about his manhood and makes Cal look pathetic.

This brings up the question "What makes you a man?" Is it the number of women you sleep with? Is it the ease with which you can get an unfamiliar woman to go to bed with you? Is it the way you dress, the shoes you wear or your hairstyle? Is it your sculpted muscles and physical strength?

Cal is so out of his depth in the nightclub, Jacob is almost a god to him with his smooth ways and confidence-boosting methods. But at some point, the first woman goes home with him and they have a good time, and after that, it becomes easy.

In a nice twist of events, Jacob then faces feelings of love for the first time and panics. In all his conquests, his way to the girls' hearts was to shower them with interest and attention, which also saved him from having to expose himself and being vulnerable. But when this special girl wants to know him better, he freaks out so much, he calls Cal for advice.

Recently, I touched on the self-doubt of men who have only been with one partner in How to Be Faithful. I think Crazy, Stupid, Love does a wonderful job of taking us along the path of either choice (Jacob's and Cal's) and showing us that neither is perfect and neither is better than the other.

Soul mates

The term "soul mate" is used a lot in the film, even overused, but there is a scene in which Cal tells Emily (his ex-wife who had cheated on him) about his one-night stands and she is appalled. For a second, we are with her, thinking, "How could you?" but then he says to her, "I was trying to move on".

Emily felt bad in their marriage, slept with a coworker and initiated a divorce, but she feels justified in criticizing Cal for sleeping with other women. After all, they were soul mates...

But divorce involves a lot of loss and grief, with both partners feeling like a part of their soul is indeed ripped out of them. Many divorcees keep track of their ex-partner's social profiles, ask mutual friends about their life and compare every subsequent potential partner to their ex.

Whether or not we are soul mates when we start our relationship, our souls gradually become connected through hardships and joy, through pregnancies, deliveries and sleepless nights, through first teeth and first steps, through driving lessons and exams, through lost jobs and new jobs, moving houses, changing cars and all those other joint experiences that leave their emotional marks on us.

Next to these things, having sex with someone else is a small thing, but we do not always remember that.

I came away from the movie with a lot of love in my heart. In the past few days, there is more love in everything I do, more softness, more attention and more respect. I checked the patterns of my life against scenes from the movie and compared myself with the characters in it.

In the end, I realized (again) that love may be crazy, but it is certainly not stupid.

Happy marriage, relationship and parenting,
Gal

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Dear Gina,

How to discipline kids, what is discipline and related issues are a source of friction almost in every home. I think your husband has expectations from you and your children that are probably based on his definition of good parenting and discipline, which I am not sure are healthy, although they were very typical 20 to 30 years ago when he was a child.

To me, discipline is the opposite of motivation and this is certainly true with kids. If you need to discipline your kids, that means you are powerless. It means you are afraid of your kids and that is not good in parenting.

Motivating, encouraging, supporting and helping are acts of giving. You do them for the benefit of your kids. Discipline is an act of taking. You do it for your own benefit. As a parent, you need to give, not take.

Parenting your children is like dancing and you are the one in the lead. Yes, you can use force and your kids will dance along, but they will hate you and disrespect you and when they have a hard time, they will not come to you for support and will never ask for your help, which means you will be failing to protect them.

How many parents do you know that say to their kids who have done horrible things, "Why didn't you come to me for help?" They used force and abused their parental powers to make their children do what the parents wanted and now they complain the kids do not come and ask for help? Where is the surprise?

I strongly recommend that every parent abandon the desire to discipline. If you think in terms of discipline, you have already lost your power and your credibility with your kids. Many parents think that disciplining the kids is part of the "job description" and this it is what makes parenting seems so hard. I personally know lots of people who have lots of problems with their kids and search for schools that will discipline them. They say, "I have problems with my kids and I need a school that can discipline them", but they do not understand that it is a vicious cycle.

If you give up discipline, you will not have problems and you will not need a school to discipline your kids. I encourage you to stay away from this way of thinking. From my experience, it is the way to lose your kids at an early stage.

Many parents have conflicts over how to discipline and how to parent their kids. Unfortunately, the conflict between them contributes greatly to the kids' behavior. I think you need to spend time with your husband and discuss your differences around parenting, encouragement, discipline, authority and the best way to raise good kids. Otherwise, your kids may take advantage of his conflict while suffering emotionally. It is best to do it when you are both happy and relaxed, when the kids are not around and there is no problem you need to sort out. When people are happy, they can think better.

I would probably be upset if my husband said he would fire me (or that he wanted to be my boss). Luckily, there is no boss in parenting (although I can understand that someone who thinks that discipline is an option wants power and would love to be the boss). Parents do the best they can with what they have.

Having doubts about your parenting is worse than making mistakes. Parents are not perfect and that is what makes us human. The core skills we need in parenting are loving and wanting to improve. I think these are the core skills in life. Love can do a lot more than discipline. I know it sounds like a cliché, but the desire for power does not go hand in hand with love.

I have had many disagreements about being an objective mother. So many people, including family members, have said to me that I was not objective towards my daughter. How can you love someone and be objective at the same time? Love is not objective and the expression "objective parent" is an oxymoron.

No human being is ever objective, because we have feelings. In parenting, objectiveness is a horrible condition. It means the emotional umbilical cord between you and your kids is cut. If a parent says to me, "I have to be objective about my child", I tell them to get help. It is a myth that objectiveness is an ability needed to prepare kids for life. Objectiveness means we have no bias, as if we have no feelings, but how can we prepare kids for life without feelings?

Your husband may see some aspects of the kids' behavior that he would like to change, but focusing on good things is always a better strategy than focusing on the problems.

Every parent should recognize the small panic attack when their kids do not match their expectations and ask themselves, "Why do I expect them to do this differently? Did my parents think the same about me? Did I like that? What are the risks of following what my parents did? If my child behaves like this, does it mean they will be like this when they grow up? Am I strong enough to support my child or do I seek power because I feel weak?"

Remember, kids can do anything you present them in an encouraging way. They will be confident and strong if you help them move forward with small, gentle pushes, but if you push too hard, the will resist.

Think of your kids as they took their first steps. You never push them to walk. You stretch your arms wide open around them to protect them from falling and you move back so they come towards you. It is the same with every new thing they do, even behavior. Small pushes towards a place they want to go is encouragement. Big pushes against where they want to go is a form of violence.

You probably want to give your children many values. Do not focus on discipline so they do not think this was your gift to them. The only people who can fire parents are their kids and they can only do it when they have their own kids and they understand what parenting means. I will know I am fired big time if my grownup kids ever say, "My mom was a good mother, because she knew how to discipline me".

Ask your husband to read the series motivating kids. It will help him avoid being fired by his own kids when the time comes.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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In my relationship coaching, I have discovered there are two more traps that are signs the relationship is going nowhere and may be heading for a breakdown. One of them is the "intention" trap and the other one is the "blame" trap.

The intention trap

Everyone wants to feel good in their relationships. We give ourselves to the other person and we want a good feeling in return. Usually, we find a partner who makes us feel great. At the beginning of the relationship, we want to spend lots of time together, we constantly want to be with him or her and when we are not together, we imagine us being together.

Our marriage is good when we look forward to the time we will spend together, because it boosts our self-esteem and motivates us.

Over time, this excitement gives way to stress, work and kids, and many couples just wait for the moment things are quiet, so they can veg in front of the TV, hit the bed, sleep in on the weekends or go away on a holiday. Most of their time is not filled with fun and the fun bits are pushed to the side. When we push too much of our "fun time together" to the side, the arguments start.

I do not think I have ever learned how to argue and in marriage. Strange as it may seem, I believe it is very important to learn how to argue, because if we do not argue fairly, we increase the stress and the pressure and decrease the fun time together.

Why are they saying it?

One big problem of many arguments is our assumptions about the other party's intention. Feeling uncomfortable, fearful, unhappy, ignored, criticized, belittled, scared, humiliated and all those other not-so-good feelings that come with any argument, we ask ourselves, "Why is he/she saying it?" But we do not stop to ask the other person why they are saying it. We assume that if we feel something, it means the other person meant for us to feel like that.

For example, a couple is arguing. Ben says, "We don't spend enough time together. I'd like us to go to the movies more often". Denise says, "I don't have time for movies. I'm exhausted in the evenings. You don't know what it's like running around after the kids the whole day. You don't appreciate what I go through". That ends what could have been a nice evening and each partner goes to his or her "corner".

People like playing "mind readers" and it is very hard for them to understand that they can feel bad without the other person having any intention of making them feel bad. When the arguments change course and we express our assumptions about the other person's bad intention, the other person immediately defends their intention and now two people are hurt, one because he/she assumes the other wanted to hurt him/her and the other because her/his partner assumes she/he had bad intentions. It is a formula for a marriage breakdown.

Suddenly, the couple no longer talks about the topic of their disagreement but the bad feelings they both have. Every time we assume there is a bad intention, we can guarantee there will be a nasty argument. Getting out of this trap is very complicated, because both sides are hurt. One wants to lick his/her wounds and the other wants to explain her/his original intention. When people are hurt, their conversation is not very practical. Remember, we are in a relationship because we want to feel good and if we feel bad, the longer we argue, the worse we feel.

The best way to deal this problem is not to get into it and we can do it with awareness. As long as you say, "I feel, I think, I am not happy", it is an expression of your own thoughts and feelings, but as soon as you say, "you", you have to be very careful what you are saying. Let's look at our example again.

Ben says, "We don't spend enough time together. I'd like us to go to the movies more often". Denise says, "I don't have time for movies. I'm exhausted in the evenings". So far, so good. Then she says, "You don't know what it's like running around after the kids the whole day. You don't appreciate what I go through".

Denise falls into the intention trap when she says, "You don't know..." and "You don't appreciate..." Feeling exhausted and not having time does not mean Ben does not know or does not appreciate. In fact, Ben suggests going out because he thinks Denise needs a break from running around after the kids the whole day and working hard. He wanted to suggest they get a babysitter and spend some relaxed time together doing something they both love doing, but the conversation never got there.

As you would suspect, this conversation did not go well. Ben had good intentions, Denise vented and the issue stopped being spending more fun time together and started being who intended what.

Typical "intention" traps

"You make me feel..." - no one can force you to feel anything. Sometimes, I wish it was not true. I would love to force my husband, my kids, even my clients to think they are loved, awesome and powerful.

"Are you saying I'm...?" - notice that this is an interpretation of what the other person is saying. He/she did not say that. He/she said something else, so when you ask this question, you are basically saying, "I interpret this sentence as..." Take ownership of your interpretation and restate it as such.

"You only want me to think..." - that is not necessarily true. The other person may want you to think something else. Don't read minds. You are not mind readers.

"You don't think I know that?" - if you say instead, "I know that", you can continue the conversation without falling into the "intention trap". People say things even if you know them. Just move on.

"You don't understand..." - you do not know what happens in the other person's mind. Understanding is a very high brain function. Make sure you do not confuse "You don't do things the way I expect them" with "You don't understand". There is a very probable option that the other side understands perfectly, but still does not want to do things that way.

"You don't listen to me" - this sentence is an oxymoron. Notice that you are using this to request that the other side will listen to you and you assume that listening will guarantee the other person will agree. There is an option that the other person has heard you clearly and still does not agree.

"Do you think it is fair to..." - this sentence assumes the other person did not think about fairness and that their intentions were towards "unfairness". It is another way of saying, "I think you are not fair". Rephrase it to "I think that if we do it <this way>, that would be fair". Remember, "I" statements will ensure you are be trapped in the "intention" cycle.

"You're mad at me..." - it is very important not to risk interpreting someone else's intentions. It is possible he/she is mad, but it is better to let them say it than to say it on their behalf. It is possible that what they are expressing is frustration or helplessness or that they are just tired.

"What have I done that make you treat me like this?" - this is a formula for disaster. There is the assumption that you have done something that caused someone to treat you a certain way or that there is some justification for the other person to treat you like that. The behavior could be caused by a pattern that originated during childhood or that the person is tired and confused and it has nothing to do with you.

At first, you need to notice you are doing it and make a conscious decision to stop. When you notice you were not aware and have said something about your partner's intentions, back up! You are not a mind reader and you will get it wrong more often than not. Assuming you know what your partner intended is a formula for a nasty relationship that will end up in hard feelings and eventually a marriage breakdown.

I promise that if you count how many times you use "intention" sentences in your arguments and shrink them, the cracks in the relationship will shrink too.

Happy marriage,
Ronit

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Today, I want to give you an example of how a simple exercise changed my view of my marriage with Ronit for the better and, in fact, improved the way I interact with everybody in my life.

This was before Ronit and I discovered communication styles and love languages and I had a strong feeling I was going out of my way to make Ronit happy, but she was doing very little to do the same for me. I thought this was unfair and I was frustrated.

Fortunately, I had a session with my life coach, Sheryl, that week.

I started pouring my frustration as soon as I sat down. If you have ever been to life coaching, you know you can only do this for a very short time.

"Gal, I get that you are upset and that from your point of view, things aren't equal in your relationship", Sheryl said.

"They sure are", I said.

"But by now, you already know that what matters most is your perception of the world, not how the world is. So let's look at your choices and your focus, OK?"

I nodded in apprehension, because I knew what was coming. I was going to have to adjust MY end if I wanted to be happy and that stank. Here I was doing all that stuff for the sake of our marriage, getting next to nothing in return for my efforts and now I would have to adjust MY focus?

"In a typical day, how many things would you say you do to keep or improve your relationship with Ronit?" Sheryl asked.

"Lots", I said, "Ten easily".

"And how many similarly good things would you say Ronit does?" she asked.

"One or two, sometimes none", I said bitterly.

"Are you sure?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think she notices all the good things you do every day? Does she show her appreciation every time?" Sheryl asked.

"No, and that's even more frustrating. She doesn't even notice sometimes", I complained.

"Is it possible the same is also true in reverse? Is it possible that Ronit does a lot more for you and for her relationship with you, but you don't notice?"

"Hmmm", I felt a lesson coming on.

"When you do something for another person, you may plan it for a while, then you do it with a certain intention, but the other person may be completely unaware of any of it", she explained, "They certainly don't know what you're planning, they can't see your intention and they may even miss what you do if they're busy or if this is not something meaningful to them".

"OK, so you're saying maybe Ronit isn't noticing all this stuff I do for us?"

"What I'm saying is that she may be missing your good deeds, but also that YOU may be missing hers".

Kaboom!

"Well, I'll never be able to see into her mind", I said, "So what can I do about it?"

"I suggest that you spend a week paying close attention to everything Ronit does and says and ask yourself if it could be a way to make you feel better or improve your relationship. Particularly, notice the things Ronit likes herself, because when she does to you something that would make her feel good, it is probably because she thinks it will make you feel good too. After all, we see the world through our own eyes", Sheryl said.

So the following week, I put a little notepad in my pocket and made a list of the things I noticed. Initially, the list grew slowly, but within a couple of days I could recognize "the good stuff" a lot more easily, particularly anything that happened more than once.

I later discovered that Ronit's love languages are Affirmations and Services. During that week, I still did not know that, but I listed many compliments, words of thanks, encouragements, cups of coffee, yummy sandwiches and other things.

At the end of the week, I had 74 items on my list. I had noticed 74 things Ronit had said or done that I interpreted as being for the benefit of your relationship or for me personally.

The week before my life coaching session, there had been none. OK, maybe there was one.

This was clearly not because Ronit started behaving differently all of a sudden. The week before, I had totally missed a similar number of statements and actions. In fact, I was not sure if 74 was everything. I might have missed a few still.

That really blew me away. Since then, whenever I get a similar feeling that things are unfair, that I work harder and do more, I spend some time counting the good stuff the other person does. With practice, I no longer need a whole week. I sort of put myself in "paying attention to good things" mode and after noticing a few of them, my feeling changes.

You should try is sometime.

Happy marriage/relationship,
Gal

You may want to read

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