I have a friend who goes on a men's camp every year. When his boys were young, he went by himself and felt very supported there. As soon as his boys turned 13 and were allowed to go with him, away they went together and spent a great time bonding - singing, dancing, doing physical exercise and watching performances. He has been nagging me to come with him on that camp for a few years now, saying there is something special about the freedom and "safe space" it provides.

So far, I have not gone.

In the past few months, Ronit worked with several boys whose father had died or spent a lot of time away from home. Whenever we talked about them, I kept having the feeling that although they were young (5 to 8 years old), they felt like little men. I felt they saw themselves as somewhat responsible for the wellbeing of their family and had to fill the very large shoes of their absent father.

That was not enough either.

But this week, Ronit said to me, "You should write a bit about the role of fathers in particular. If I write it, it will be like a lecture, but if you write it, it will be real". And then, out of the blue, I got a newsletter from Fathering Adventures, letting me know they now offer adventures not only to fathers and sons, but also to dads and daughters.

So I thought, "OK, that's it. I'd better write something on this topic".

Now, I am not a stereotypical man. I am not competitive, I never pick a fight, I do not drink, I do not swear, I love to cook, I work at home and do many homey things, like driving the kids to school, helping with homework, reading bedtime stories and so on. The main manly quality I have is the need to protect my family all the time and everywhere.

But I used to work long hours away from home and provide the main income, I used to be short-tempered when I was home and I used to be completely out of touch with what my family was going through. Even on weekends, it would take me until late on Saturday to get work out of my head so I can relax and participate.

When Eden was little, I was a very dogmatic and clueless father. Ronit was great (she was a very natural mother), so she took care of Eden, thinking it would be OK, because Eden needed a female role model anyway. In fact, Eden needed my company. In the evenings, when I told her it was time to shower and go to bed, she would refuse and we would have a big struggle, which ended in her agreeing to have a (long) bath instead of a (short) shower and me sitting beside her and listening to her tell me about her day.

Later on, I learned that fathers provide a very important role model to their daughters - that of a potential partner. In fact, the best way to ensure your daughter chooses a decent fellow for a husband and a decent father for her children is to be a decent husband yourself and a decent father to your children.

One of Eden's favorite things was to walk hand-in-hand with me. She would hold my hand and look proud, which made me feel great. She is 23 now (her birthday is tomorrow) and still does that.

I thought that was a natural thing many fathers did, until I heard a story from a friend of ours who is a great father about his 16-year-old daughter. He said, "She and I were walking along the beach and she reached out and held my hand. I realized it made me uncomfortable. I was thinking about what others might think about me walking around with a beautiful young girl. I wondered about the psychological stage she was in and whether holding my hand meant something, um, you know. Then she looked up at me and said, 'Dad, I love walking hand-in-hand with you like we did when I was little. I hope we never stop'. It hit me that as far as she was concerned, I would always be her father, no matter how old she was or how old I was, and that I made her feel safe and loved by holding her hand".

Are you having a soft moment?

When Tsoof was about 3 years old, he discovered soccer. After that, he wanted to play soccer all the time. Between the ages of 3 and 5, a time of endless energy, as soon as I walked in the door in the evening, stressed and hungry, the only thing I could do was play soccer with him. Ronit and Eden took care of dinner and I took care of Tsoof.

This was what you might consider a typical father and son relationship, involving sport, but Tsoof also started playing hand drums at that tender age and being the musical parent (I am auditory and Ronit is not), I also played with him, took him to classes and supported his musical development.

Noff is a lot more like Ronit, but I stayed home with her for a few months when she was a year old and I get to spend the most time with her more than I ever did with her older siblings while working corporate jobs. She is the most independent of our children and that is something I encourage her to be. You can find several posts in this blog about how she inspires me.

I believe that one of the biggest challenges fathers have in modern Western society is that, being the main breadwinners, they engage with their kids at the worst possible times, when they are at their wits' end, just wanting to sit down and shut everything out for while. In this state, the last thing they want to do is care for someone else.

I believe that if you ask any father, he will tell you he wishes he could show his children who he really is. That notion of "who I really am" means that every father acknowledges the effect of his circumstances on his relationship with his kids and feels in his guts that under different circumstances, he could have a great time with his kids and get a lot closer to them.

One idea is to go away with your kids to a place where circumstances are vastly different from your everyday life, where you and your children will go through something meaningful and special and where you will be able to pay close attention to one another for a few days in a row.

The video below is a bit overly dramatic for my liking, but every word spoken in it is gold, especially in the testimonials. The adventure packages include accommodations, food, kayaking, hiking, snorkeling and group coaching. There are weekend and 5-day adventures and there are adventures for "father and son" or "dad and daughter".

[Disclaimer: we get nothing from showing you this, other than the satisfaction of doing something good. While I was watching the video, Ronit jumped up and said, "That's a great idea for <one of her clients> and his son", and then picked up the phone and called him].

If you decide to give Fathering Adventures a try, please come back here and post a comment to let everyone know how it was.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Love
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Who’s in Charge?

Having a depressed family member is not easy to handle. Most of the time, the depressed person cannot admit he or she needs help and rejects any help attempt. Those around them feel helpless and drained.

Gail was very creative in her attempts to help her husband. She went to the doctor and talked to him. She tried to make him go to the doctor, without success. She got him some vitamins and he refused to take them. She arranged holidays to make him happy, but he stayed depress.

"What happened with the boys?" I asked.

"They left. For five years, we didn't have a life. Everything revolved around him. Everything we did was done to please him. He was unhappy with everything we did and with what we didn't do. We had no friends left. No one was willing to come to our house and those who dared only did it once. Every second around him was fighting and complaining, so they gave up and left".

Gail' sons were 18 and 21, both studied at university and had to support themselves. Their dad was so unhappy with their move he did not "allow" their mom to see them.

Helping a depressed person is not easy, especially when he or she is an adult. Adults must choose to accept help and we cannot force them to receive our help.

Eventually, after 5 years of trying, Gail left home.

Her moving out was very effective. Not having Gail and the boys around helped her husband understand he had a problem.

Most of our sessions were spent on managing the process of going back home. The most effective tip I gave her was to use are. I introduced her to a research about depression and art and that worked like magic.

I hope it will help you too.

A research done in Norway with over 50,000 people using blood tests, urine tests, interviews, questionnaires and clinical examinations discovered that art can successfully fight depression. "There is a positive relationship between cultural participation and self-perceived health for both women and men", says Professor Jostein Holmen.

The researches claim, "Up to now, physical activity has been recognized as a measure that promotes good health. But our study shows that other daily life activities may promote good health from a holistic point of view. The results suggest that the use of cultural activities in health promotion and health care may be justified".

The research found that people who were exposed to art feel healthier overall. If they see music concerts, painting or sculpture and visit galleries, they are healthier and happier and less depressed then others. If they make art themselves by playing a musical instrument, singing, painting, sculpting and dancing, the results were even better.

The surprising thing was the results were true for all participants, regardless of their lifestyle and socio-economic background.

Gail's husband loved carpentry. He had not dealt with the loss of his job properly and had not touched his tools since he had stopped working. When Gail came back home, she encouraged him to take is tools out and build a drawer for the living room.

Three month later, the boys came back home.

Have a happy day,
Ronit

P.S. If you ever need a reason to encourage your children to engage in artistic activities or a reason to visit a gallery or go to the theater, you know it now. Art makes you happy!

You may want to read

• Hugs: The Ultimate Antidepressant
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Purpose: To Be a Great Dad

Of course, when we do many of these things and lots of other people do them too, the decline accelerates. I often think of my kids and the kind of place I would like them to have when they grow up and it makes me worry.

Fun with Ice

When we lived in Texas, there was a period of frost every year. That was bad for the lawn, roads were slippery during morning rush hours and there were always accidents because of the frost.

Yet, a friend of mine found a way to have fun with his kids during that time. Before going to bed on Friday night, he would water his driveway, which was short, straight and steep. When his boys woke up on Saturday morning, the driveway would be ready for some extreme sliding!

This went on for a while and nearly became a family tradition, except one day, my friend's mother-in-law came to visit on Saturday morning and slipped on the ice. She was thoroughly upset with my friend's carelessness and promptly sued him (and her daughter, who was married to him) for her medical expenses.

The following year, my friend's insurance raised his premium and he stopped wetting the driveway.

Insurance protects us from losing everything when we are already busy dealing with something bad, so it seems like a good idea. But insurance companies need to make money in order to insure us, so they recover their losses back from us. Along the way, they sometimes take away some of our happiness too.

No Running, No Jumping, No Playing

When Tsoof was 4 years old, his favorite activity was soccer, he loved to play drums and was a very energetic and talkative little boy. We wanted him to be with other kids, so we sent him to a nearby kindergarten that had great facilities and looked really nice.

Over time, we noticed our little boy was becoming sad and agitated, until he said he did not want to go to kindie anymore. When we ask him about it, he said, "They just want me to sit all the time. I can't run and I can't jump and I can't climb anything. And they want me to be quiet all the time. If I sing or shout because I'm happy, they say 'keep it down'. I heard something outside and I climbed the toy box to see what's happening and the teacher pulled me down", he said.

The next time we dropped him off, we went in with him and asked about all these restrictions. His teacher told us there had been some accidents and some children had gotten injured from climbing or bumping into each other while running, so their insurance company had told them they would not pay for these anymore and they should make sure the kids did not do anything dangerous.

"But this is what kids do", we said, "They run and climb and experiment. It's good for them".

"Sorry", said the teacher, "We can't afford to lose our cover".

Sitting Down until 8:30

A couple of years ago, Noff's school introduced a new rule: Until 8:30am, students within the school grounds may only be in the covered area near the cafeteria and they need to be sitting down. At 8:30, when the school opens officially, students may go anywhere (except they only had 15 minutes until their first lesson started).

This was a hard blow for many parents who had to go to work and needed to drop their kids off at school before 8:30. It was like a punishment for the kids, although they had done nothing wrong. It also chopped their social and fun time at school significantly, which is the main reason Ronit and I send our kids to school.

We wondered about this for a long time, until we were told recently that a girl had been hurt while playing at one of the school's playground before any teachers were on duty and her parents sued the school.

The school did the only thing it could to keep enough of its budget for education...

Glorious Jury

A few weeks ago, I received a summons to my first ever jury duty. Having never been inside a courtroom anywhere, I thought this would be a great experience, so I did not ask to be excused, even through 3 weeks away from work would not be easy. I also wanted to do my part as a citizen and help keep the justice system going.

So far, I have been in one trial that went on for three days, but I have had a lot of time to think about the effects of the jury system on our life.

When I told people I was going to be on jury duty, they looked at me like I was soft in the head or something. "You can ask to be excused, you know", they said, "It's easy. Just say you have a business and you can't get away".

That made me wonder who remains to serve as jurors in the system. These are most likely unemployed, senior citizens and people whose jobs pay them so little, the income from their jury duty is the same or higher than what they already make. Would you want to have that cross-section of society at your trial? Is this truly "a jury of peers"?

Then I got to the building where the courts are and went through the orientation. I found out that many (sometimes most) of the prospective jurors arrive in the morning, go through 1 or 2 jury selections and then go back home. By that time, their day is shot and they only get a small amount of money for their trouble.

The "lucky" ones are "empanelled" and serve as jurors for a few days. I was chosen during my first jury selection.

In the courtroom were a judge, a judge's associate, a bailiff, a prosecutor, an assistant prosecutor, a stenographer and at least two correctional services officers. These 8 people were paid by the state. On the defense side were two highly paid lawyers, making a total of 10 other people.

The jury more than doubles the number of people sitting through the entire trial! However little they get paid, every day of trial costs up to 12 days of lost productivity and taxes, as well as the juror payment, lunch and public transport. If that is not enough, it took several hours for the barristers and the judge to explain to us the matters of law relevant to the case, which made the trial longer.

Then came deliberation. In theory, the jury system is meant to protect ordinary citizens from unfair trials, but jurors are people with biases. They all have beliefs, values and needs that come into play when they decide on a verdict. As I sat in the room, I noticed racial comments, political comments, religious comments and many unfounded statements spoken with conviction. Although we all agreed in the end and worked things out quite well, would I want these people at my trial? Probably not.

Having a costly legal system puts it beyond the reach of most people, so having 12 jurors in court actually excludes many of their "peers" from getting a fair trial.

In our topsy turvy world, the things we do to protect ourselves come back to bite us when we do not stop to think them through and sometimes even when we do.

Have a productive day,
Gal

You may want to read

• Video Games Violence (3): Parenting
• Video Games Violence (2): Video-game-inspired real violence
• Video Games Violence (1): Shock and Awe

Computer games are not a dirty word if they support the development of the player. When a child plays a puzzle on the table, their cognitive skills are stretched as much as when they play a puzzle on the computer.

I remember preparing hundreds of pages that ask the kids to circle the "odd one out". Now, they can play many computer games that are way more colorful and varied that reuse the same "cards" for the children to choose from. I was limited by the number of stamps and my drawing ability and used lots of paper to allow each child to have enough pages to experience and learn. Now, any simple computer game can give the kids endless opportunities to find the odd one out, with great graphics, sounds and animation.

Some computer games are very effective at teaching kids cognitive skills. If you choose games that are not violent, no one needs to die and the player develops some skills or learns some strategy (not pure luck) then there is a good chance they will be effective as a teaching tool.

A research done on elders in East Carolina University's Psychophysiology Lab reported a sizable improvement in cognitive abilities among older adults who played casual games, like Bejeweled.

"The initial results of the study are very intriguing, in that they suggest that the 'active participation' required while playing a casual video game like Bejeweled provides an opportunity for mental exercise that more passive activities, like watching television, do not", said researcher Carmen Russoniello, "Future applications could include prescriptive applications using casual video games to potentially stave off Alzheimer’s disease and other dementia-type disorders".

The difference between what we used to do in the past and what happens now is that I knew the kids' level at any stage, because I needed to facilitate their learning, and now they move quickly and parents and teachers do not have to sit with kids while they are playing to monitor progress or time spent in front of the computer.

If you monitor the time your kids spend on the computer and make sure there is a good balance between machine interaction and human interaction and if you use the computer as a helper, not a substitute for your presence, you could realize the benefits of using computer games to sharpen your kids' minds and ... have fun yourself!

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Raising Grownups
• Poor Busy Kids
• The Mean Average

From time to time, we get a knock on the door and someone asks for a donation to charity. The amount of money is up to us and the minimum is typically small. The person is pleasant and often seems like one of the people who would benefit from our donation to this charity.

But to me, this is money for nothing. Sure, research shows that people get a sense of generosity and feel good about themselves when they give money at the door, in the office or secretly in some other way. I still think this is a short-lived feeling that keeps injustice and bad management in our society long term.

Next time there is a knock on the door, the person who donates will be faced with the same dilemma. The next person knocking on the door will be in the same situation. Charity is not enough about change.

I believe that the fundamental ingredient missing from the charity model is self-respect. When a person cannot provide for themselves and relies completely on others for food, shelter and clothing, their sense of identity changes and they begin to see themselves as dependent and incapable of supporting themselves. If this goes on long enough, they end up feeling worthless.

Even if you have never been poor, maybe you have lost your job at some point or your partner has. The feeling of loss of self-worth can be debilitating. When it goes on for long enough and when the loss was big enough (like a top executive being laid off at an age that makes finding another job unlikely), some people even kill themselves. Standing in line for a social security handout is humiliating for anyone used to productive employment.

Money for nothing makes the recipient feel worthless.

Native Americans and Indigenous Australians are great examples of how this can affect large populations. Both were given autonomies in certain parts of their respective country, not necessary where they wanted, and both were given government handouts, supposedly as compensation for their lands being taken away from them. In both cases, many chose to live on the government subsidy and ended up spending their time and their money on drinking alcohol. In both cases, those who decided to go to work have done much better.

Human beings seem to have a sense of fairness in their exchanges and getting money for nothing is not a fair exchange.

A horrible example of this is Indian children who are maimed in order to become better beggars. In the minds of the people doing the maiming, those children's lives are better without an arm or an eye, because they can get enough money to survive and help support their families. But this also prevents them from being able to work when they grow up.

On the other hand, when we lived in Thailand, we did not see beggars on the streets. We saw people sitting in corners, on footbridges and between market stalls and selling little trinkets and flowers. We knew we did not need their wares when we purchased from them, but there was dignity in the exchange, smiles and hope.

For all of the above, Ronit and I decided to support the poor people of the world through Kiva. Kiva is an online microfinance organization that funds small projects all over the globe with money from other people. Each project is funded by a number of people, so the risk is shared. Every cent of funding is given as a loan, so the projects have to make business sense, succeed and pay back with interest.

We believe that Kiva prevents those in need from abandoning their responsibility for their lives and helps create a productive and supportive society globally and locally. Since poor people have limited access to computers and little knowledge of business, there are micro-banks acting on their behalf. They submit requests for funding for groups of farmers, producers or service providers, having trained them in running a business. The groups also keep their members on track and paying back.

For example, our first loan was to fifteen women from Paraguay (pictured at the top) that wanted to be able to offer a better future to their children. They are "fighters" who stretch themselves to their limits to give their families the basics to have a worthy life. The loan has helped them to buy fabrics, threads, needles, buttons and other sewing supplies.

Our second loan was to a farmer in Kenya (holding the sign in the picture above) who takes care of two children at home. He wants to ensure food security for his family. Before joining the group, he was only able to harvest 7 bags of maize 1 acre of land, but in 2011, he had an excellent maize yield of 18 bags on that land. The loan has helped him buy seeds and fertilizers.

When we signed up for Kiva, we did it as a family. We wanted our kids to know about the struggles of other people to help them appreciate their own life. We wanted them to be part of the giving and we wanted them to see that even when you are very poor, you still have a choice between being productive and being dependent.

Just in case you are jumping up and down, screaming, "But some people just can't sew or work a farm!" I want to mention another wonderful organization called the Endeavour Foundation. This organization takes care of people with mental and physical disabilities. Although much of its budget comes from donations and government support, it employs its clients in special workshops, where they make whatever they can make to help support themselves. They may not be able to provide everything for themselves, but they have the dignity of helping and doing what they can.

Many people say that kids have it all easy today. We may not have walked to school in blinding snowstorms, but from a technical point of view, our kids' life seems to be easier and we work hard to provide everything for them. I believe we need to ensure this does not become a kind of charity arrangement, or our kids will develop a dependent identity and lose the ability to care for themselves and their dignity.

No matter how small their contribution, a child's participation in housework and family decision-making is more about their self-esteem and independence than it is about the value they create (particularly when they are little). Do not give them "money for nothing". Get them to work for their gadgets as much as they can, get them involved in your giving, tell them about your own work, encourage them to take care of themselves and help them build a strong identity.

Empower the world one step at a time by helping those who help themselves.

Happy days,
Gal

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Money
• Anybody Can Do It
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction

May your next year be very tasty!

1. Take the twelve months of the year and clean them well from feelings of jealousy, hatred, frustration, stinginess, greed, stubbornness, selfishness, anger and sadness.
2. Slice each month into three equal parts and make sure you dedicate a third of each day to working, a third to sleeping and resting and the rest to spending time with people you love, having fun, doing good deeds and having joyous memories, happy dreams and wishes.
3. Add three teaspoons of optimism, a cup of faith, a tablespoon of patience, some tolerance and a pinch of respect for yourself and others.
4. Soak with lots of love, decorate with good intentions and heaps of attention and serve every day with a good word, a smile and a warm heart.

Bon appetite!

Happy New Year,
Ronit, Gal and Eden

You may want to read

• Slow Down and Smell the Flowers
• Living in a Dress Rehearsal
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction

In fact, this post was Tsoof's idea. He came in a couple of days ago and said, "Dad, maybe you should write about the gay marriage thing. It's all over the news". So here goes.

The issue of whether gay marriage should be made legal or not is tough, because different people have different basic assumptions about homosexuality being a choice. Broadly speaking, there are a few ways to look at this issue:

1. Homosexuality is a genetic disorder that cannot be changed and it is a horrible thing. It is not what God sees as pure and holy in a person and should therefore be hidden, rejected and treated as a manifestation of the Devil. From this point of view, gay people should be kept away from society, shunned and even killed for the good of normal society. From this point of view, gay people are mentally disabled and should not marry, let alone care for children. In fact, it is best if they had no rights.
2. Homosexuality is a choice and because it is unholy, it is a test of faith. Gay people should renounce the Devil, become as God intended and rejoin normal society or suffer the consequences. From this point of view, by choosing to be gay, these people clearly demonstrate their inability to make sound choices and should not marry, let alone care for children. In fact, they should be prevented from influencing normal society to avoid the spread of their choices.
3. Homosexuality is (mostly) a genetic predisposition that puts people in a minority group, like many racial, ethnic, religious and political minorities around the world (like, say, African Americans or Indigenous Australians). Because their "condition" cannot be "cured" but does not affect their abilities to reason and carry out their civil duties, marriage is a matter of civil liberties. From this point of view, gay people should be allowed to marry if they wish in countries where marriage is a legal contract and people from different faiths or those who are not religious at all can marry.
4. Homosexuality is (mostly) a personal choice, which affects the gay people strongly and has little or no effect on others. From this point of view, a person choosing to be gay is no different to converting from Islam to Christianity (I wonder what your reaction would be if I wrote the reverse) - the family is likely to object, but they cannot do anything to stop it legally. Therefore, gay people should be able to marry in countries where civil marriage is recognized. Also, democracy dictates they should be able to share their choice with others, just like anyone with an unpopular political view would.

Fundamentally, gay people's sexual preferences are in conflict with Christianity, Judaism and Islam. In democratic countries, although the law may not be directly religious, a religious majority may be able to pass laws to the same effect. That is just the way things are in the world.

But this is not a legal blog.

This is a parenting blog. This is a personal development blog for parents.

So let's change the image of "gay people" for a second and take a look at this:

Is this a gay baby, with the fireman gear and all? When you look at him (or maybe it is her), do you consider excluding him from society and forbidding him to marry? Or maybe your reaction is more like, "Awww, so cute!"

Would you desert a newborn baby like him?

If your baby boy posed nude with fireman gear on, would you leave him out in the cold and walk away?

Here is another one. Is this a future gay woman who will roam the street with her Sporty Spice outfit, swearing at the opposing football team with a beer in her hand, or just a cute little girl trying on a cap?

Would you tell your little toddler girl to go and live somewhere else because she wore a boy's hat?

What if you knew right from the start your cute newborn baby was gay?

What if you found that out when they were 2? 4? No?

So what is the difference when they are 25? Does that really change anything?

I believe that children are made by parents and that this makes the parents responsible for them. As soon as their baby is born, its parents should commit "to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part".

I see my job as a parent to make sure my kids grow up to be HAPPY. It is not easy when they make different choices from the ones I make. Eden is now starting to make this painfully obvious in my life, if only because she has grown up in a society with very different values from the one I grew up in (because Ronit and I brought her there). That is why I find it hard to imagine her marrying her boyfriend, who is a really great guy and "normal" in every way. Still, I want her to be happy and I see her happiness as my responsibility.

Is there ANYTHING that makes people happier than having a strong and supportive relationship with their parents?

In her song Dear Mr. President, Pink asks:

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?

And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?

So I do not think the issue of gay marriage is a legal matter. I think it is a matter of how many parents will decide that gay marriage is good for their children and how many will decide it is bad for them. Rather than making your judgment based on the rhetoric in the media, think of your kids when they were little (maybe even take out a photo of them and look at it) and decide from your heart.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Gender
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Fathering Adventures

Nothing is worth more than this day
- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Kids are little philosophers practicing the theories of the great philosopher of all times in real life. They live in the simplest stage show that is their life, without much sophistication and with no budget. This is ability smart, knowledgeable and experienced grownups need to learn from their children.

Kids do not have tomorrows. The younger they are, the more limited their understanding of time and the harder it is to explain to them what they will gain tomorrow if they just try a bit harder or wait a little bit longer today. One of parents' biggest frustrations is their inability to explain why to try harder today for some imaginary tomorrow. Kids, on the other hand, do not understand why they should try harder, because from their point of view, fun is the best way to navigate through life and "hard" and "fun" do not go together.

Fun as a Compass

Kids' attitude to fun as a compass is perceived by grownups as a limitation, a lack of perspective and experience. I wonder sometimes who is missing perspective. Kids, the artists of living in the now, whose present is full of fun, or their parents, the champions of living in the future, whose present is an endless cycle of anxiety?

Children invest all their energy in what they will achieve in the short term. Adults, convinced they need to delay their gratifications, exaggerate this and without meaning to, they have invented the opposite of enjoinment and fun and have turned their life into a dress rehearsal for the "real thing".

The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things
- Henry Ward Beecher

If you are a parent doing everything you can to better tomorrows, if you are a parent telling your kids off for behaviors today that you are afraid they will keep doing tomorrow, if you believe that whatever happens today is a sign for what will happen in the future, if you think that pain today justifies potential gain tomorrow - you have just passed the most important audition of your life and have been accepted into The Big Dress Rehearsal, where you might spend the rest of your life.

Many parents fall in the trap of separating life into living in the show of life and rehearsing for it, as if they need to prepare all their lives for an imaginary future, when they will have everything they want, but they never take center stage and actually play in the show. The problem with living in a dress rehearsal is that you become very good at rehearsing and not at performing. Many parents invest in preparing their kids and become very good at preparing and not at implementing these preparations. In extreme cases, this imaginary future makes parents so anxious they torture their kids today and justify it by claiming they will be happy for it someday.

If you have ever had a conflict with your child that was very critical for you and you were worried they would take this to their future, while your child thought you were making a big thing out of nothing, you have been in the conflict between life as a rehearsal and life as a show.

A classic example of the life as a rehearsal and life as a show conflict is school. In my parenting workshops, when I ask parents about big conflicts with their kids, they say that most of their parenting energy is spent around school, homework, managing time, grades and teachers. Every argument over school starts with our belief as parents that the imaginary rewards of our kids' schooling in the future will justify their pain in the present. Not many parents ask themselves whether school today is really preparing their children for the show of life they will have to perform in their future.

Our kids do not go to school because they want to. We keep them there with our belief that their future will be better for it. In the cheapest format of schooling, we invest 13 years and tens of thousands of dollars on this school rehearsal and we do not stop to ask if we know for sure what will be the format of the show they will have to perform in the future and if it justifies the long preparation. What we can say for sure is that we have become so good at preparing that we have no clue on what kind of a stage our kids will have to perform in 15 years.

Parents differ from their kids in courage. Kids are not afraid of a show that is not perfect, a bit clumsy, without any status or experience, because what directs them is having fun right now. Their primitive compass, called "fun", has stood strong in the auditions of all times, in shows of all generations and on stages of all successes and challenging experiences. By following this primitive compass, many authors have written thousands of books kids have never read, producers have made movies kids have never seen and philosophers have described theories kids have never heard of.

Enjoy the journey, enjoy every moment and quit worrying about winning and losing
- Matt Biondi

Many parents, on the other hand, prefer the illusion of "the future". They prefer putting off the fun of now and invest lots in preparing for life, in hope that fun will come, later. Parents go to work and dedicate hours of being away from their partner and kids in order to make money and have fun with their partner and kids on a short yearly vacation that they end up spending on renovating the shower, "because it cannot be postponed any longer". They get into an endless cycle, where they do not know what started first, the chicken or the egg.

Kids live without too many conditions. As long as they have fun, with a little bit of company, not seeking a big crowd and not dedicating hours for rehearsing or putting on makeup, they will perform on a small stage or in a solo performance, holding a balloon and celebrating their total ignorance of the future. Parents, on the other hand, have endless conditions on the location of the show, who will be the stage manager, what the content will be, who the other players will be, the director, the salary, who will be invited and how hard they will need to clap. But so many conditions and fun do not go hand in hand.

We can learn from kids how to have the courage not to treat life as a dress rehearsal or an imaginary show that we constantly need to prepare for, but to live in a simple, magical, natural show that happens every day in every second of our imperfect, clumsy, fun life.

We should learn from kids about "performing" and having fun today, because there is a real danger that if we keep preparing, when the time of our show comes, if ever, when we are finally thin, rich, happy, pretty, successful, with a high social status and lots of the latest gadgets, it may be too late.

If we argue and worry about a show that never happens, we can only imagine a sad show, in which our kids will be just like their parents and stop believing that more importantly than being thin and skinny, we need to love our body, more importantly than making money, we need to be content to put it to good use or give it away, more importantly than striving for happiness, we need to be happy along the way, more importantly than being pretty in other people's eyes, we need to feel pretty, more than wanting to be successful, we need to celebrate our existing successes, however small, more importantly than social status, we need to enjoy our friends and family and more importantly than buying gadgets, we need to enjoy them.

For kids, every experience is a show. It is natural and without conditions. They cry a little, laugh for no reason, sometimes they fail and they always get up. They do not have to have an audience and if they do, they do not try to please everyone. When they do not get any cheers and claps, they applaud themselves for participating.

We can learn philosophy from our own children, small, inexperienced and lacking perspective. We can learn from kids that life is a show that starts when we give up on endless rehearsals, when we stop trying to come up with the best show ever and we just participate and have fun. We can learn from kids that fun is an enormous force.

May the force be with you!
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Mean Average
• How to Handle Pressure
• More Control – Less Power

Here are some more things you can do on a regular basis when you are relaxed that will help you send a message of respect to your kids and strengthen their "choice muscle".

Brainstorm options

Some kids are afraid that because they cannot see a way out, they are stuck. We all get stuck when we do see no option that will get us out of a painful situation or get us to a desired situation.

That is OK, because thinking of options is a skill that needs to be taught. Ask your child, "What's the worst that can happen?" or "What can go wrong?" or "Tell me the craziest solution you can think of". It is important to think of options and while I suggest coming up with crazy things, I would like to emphasize you should aim for solutions, not problems. If you focus on endless possible problems, you are going to find them. Looking for many problems is a dangerous zone that may create more fear than help.

Sometimes, all kids need is a single idea. You can suggest things too, but make sure the child comes up with most of the ideas. If you want to lead them towards something, say things like, "How about...", "What if...", "Do you think doing .... could work?" "What do you think of this option?" Everything you say must be as a mature person, a helper and a mentor. If you try to push your solution, you are not helping, but weakening your child's choice muscle.

Give time to think

When you suggest something, give your child time to think about it. If you expect an immediate decision, you are pushing. Pushing the choice muscle will not make it strong but weak.

It is very important to tell your kids they do not have to make immediate decisions. If we push our kids to make decisions quickly, we give them a message that every choice is a "life or death" decision. This is not good. They should never have that feeling. The choices we make are not perfect either and we often work on them for a while. By the time our kids need to make a decision like whether to risk of driving through a red light, their choice muscle will be so strong they will resist the temptation once they get to a red light, but that takes time and practice.

To help kids think about their choices without pressure, say, "I think it's a good idea to sleep on these ideas", "Take some time to think about this and we can continue tomorrow", or, "I suggest that you think about it for a while before you make your decision".

I use this technique for many things my kids want and I started at an early age. If they want to study a musical instrument, get a haircut, paint their room or register for a new class, I say, "Think about it for a week". If they come back in a week, I know they have thought about it, but if not, I know it was not that important. That is OK!

Basic pros and cons

Making a choice is a matter of weighing the pros and cons of the options you see in front of you. This is a learned skill that is good to teach from an early age. Kids must understand that most choices are not 100% good or 100% bad. Every choice has advantages and disadvantages.

The simplest technique is just writing down the pros and cons separately, counting each side and comparing the numbers. This process helps kids see with their own eyes which options has more good points than bad points. Take a piece of paper and write things down. Often, when you write down the pros and cons, that is enough to convince yourself. Do not be tempted to do everything in your head. When we do not write things down, we allow our subconscious to erase things we do not want to remember or deal with.

Advanced option weighing technique

Sometimes, just listing the pros and cons is not good enough, because some considerations have a higher value than others. For example, your son wants to join a basketball team that practices on Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. He cannot make up his mind whether he is willing to give up other things for this, such as going to parties that happen on Saturday, going to the beach with your family or inviting friends to sleep over on Friday night.

This is when you give the considerations weights. Some considerations are more important to you than others are and it is good to know what these are. So if there are 6 things to consider, you can rank the categories from 1 to 6 (1 being the least important and 6 being the most important). Then, you fill in the form, giving 0 points for "no" and 1 point for "yes" to each consideration in each option.

When you are done, multiply the 1s by the importance and add up the scores for each option. Using a proper weight system, this example shows that going to basketball will be the best choice for your child.

* I play with my basketball friends
** I may play some basketball during school breaks

I use this technique when I make big decisions and even with my clients (who are not young kids) when they need to make hard decisions. Quantifying the importance is a very good way of taking the emotions out of making a choice.

I learned a version of this technique from one of my inspiring teachers. One of my Special Education professors said that teachers tend to give extra points to their favorite students (yes, I know, it is not something you like to find out, but it is true - it is only human to give discounts to the people you like and teachers are just human). To get over this, she came up with a weighing system and designed a marking system that was made of 10 to 20 items (that is a lot, because most teachers use only 3: exam, participating in class and homework, and if they use more than one exam, that makes a huge difference in their grading). This is very easy to do with percentages. You have 100% and divide it between scoring categories by their level of importance (which you can easily teach older kids to do). Well, this does not mean you will not give extra points to your favorite students, but when the extra point is 1% of 7%, it is not a lot and your favoritism in under control.

This technique is great for choosing work, profession, what university subjects to study, friends, a suitable school and, I dare say, even a partner. You rate what is important to you and find out if this person gets to the level you expect. Remember, 100% is not possible!

Independent kids are not born, they are made. I know many parents who struggle with their kids when an easy shift from showing power to supporting their kids' choice muscle could have made their life much better. Do you know how much trouble you can save if you teach your kids to be independent and prepare their own lunch box?

Noff has been making her own sandwiches since she was 4 years old. We would give her a blunt spreading knife and a plate with bread and she put her own spread on it. When she wanted a chocolate drink, she could climb on a chair, take the chocolate powder and pour herself some milk. Yes, it was messy at first, but she did not need us to fulfill her needs, because she could do lots of that herself. She is 10 years old now and she is in charge of many dishes that we make for dinners. If Gal and I had to be away from home, our kids would make themselves a feast every day.

Raising independent kids is helpful in many ways. Eden, who is our eldest, is the most independent in our family, because she has had the most time to practice. She slept over when she about 6 months old, she flew to the other side of the world on her own when she was 10 years old. When we brought a babysitter to take care of the younger kids, she used to host the babysitter. Every time we came back home, the babysitter would say, "Eden babysat me until she went to sleep". She asked her if she wanted anything to eat or to drink and, served her cookies and showed her how to make herself another cup of tea. She showed her how to use the TV and the VCR, where the toilet was and when to give Tsoof his bottle (when Tsoof was a baby). When she was awake, Eden used to change his diapers herself and went to sleep when she knew the babysitter was fine. As you would expect, the transition to not having a babysitter was easy. Practice had made it better and easier.

Total independence happens the second your kid leaves the house and no longer needs your financial support. No kid on Earth, no matter how old, can do it well without practice, without making mistakes and without learning from their own choices. They need time and the more time they have to make those choices in a safe environment, when Mom and Dad can help them, guide them and teach them techniques and opportunities, the better they will be at it.

Life is full of choices and as a parent, you have the luxury of raising independent kids. All you have to do is ... choose!

Happy choices,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Teaching about Choice
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Opportunities
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: How to Give Choices

Accept choice as part of life

Be open and share with your kids stories about situations that have made it hard for you to make choices and how you have solved your dilemmas. It is very important for kids to understand that those situations are part of everyday life and our life is full of choices. Kids generally feel small and helpless and when they understand that you, their almighty parent, feel small and helpless sometimes, that you are not always sure what to do, that you are even afraid sometimes, it will help them be more tolerant towards their own difficult choices. If you talk to them about bad choices you have made and how you have grown from them, that will be of great service to your kids, because they will be able to learn from them too.

Be their inspiration

We make some of the choices in life because we know someone we trust and appreciate who has done (or is doing) something we think they have benefited from. Those people are an inspiration for us. Many kids see their parents as role models and inspiration, because they trust them.

Telling kids about your life will give them ideas and they will say, "I make this choice because something similar has happened to my dad and he solved it successfully that way". It is very important to say, "It worked for me. I lived in different circumstances, but it may work for you too". Remember not to impose your solutions. Think of their choice muscle, not your significance or your power muscle.

Let go of the perfect choice

Some people and their kids think there is such a thing as the perfect choice. Those people tend to talk about their good choices and are in denial of their bad ones. This is a tendency towards perfectionism and it promotes procrastination.

It is important for those parents to understand that not making a choice is a choice not to make a choice and when we do that, we put our life at the mercy of circumstances. The other side of this is being in constant regrets about bad choices. It is reasonable to be disappointed about choices you have made in the past, but since you cannot go back to the past and change them, you have to make the most of your choices, learn from them, move on and teach your kids to do the same.

If you want to help your kids, talk about good choices and bad choices. Tell them there is nothing in life we can have that does not require giving up something else and that waiting for the "right" choice to appear may take too long and they might miss opportunities to learn and grow. When you help your kids make choices, avoid using the words "good choice", "bad choice" and "the right choice". Do not say things like "I'm telling you, you will regret this", "I'm telling you, you will never regret this" and "If you ask me..." (which implies you are using the power muscle).

This is the nature of choices. Only after we make them, we know if they were any good. Do not play fortuneteller, because you may be wrong and lose the trust of your child. You can say, "I believe...", "From my experience...", "I hope..." or "I wish..." Humility can do a lot for your credibility.

Pay attention to conflicts

Use protests as a sign it is about time to change something and give your kids more choice.

Some parents cannot tell when is a good time to give their kids more independence and let them make their own choices.

I think it is hard to tell mainly because there is no "right" time, as most kids are different and are ready to move forward towards their independence at different times. This does not make them problematic, it only means they need more time to practice.

A good sign the time has come is that there is a conflict. I believe that conflicts with kids are part of their journey to independence. Their protests are declarations of their desire to be respected and to have some form of independence. Even a 1-year-old who fights her mom when she feeds her is a declaration of independence.

This is a good time to start giving her choices with her food by saying, "Would you like the red spoon or the blue spoon?" "Would you like to hold the spoon yourself?" "Do you want Mommy to sing you the airplane song or the porridge song?" The impact of this is amazing.

Most conflicts with kids are a battle between the parents' strong power muscle and the kids' weak choice muscle. If the kids are OK with you making choices for them and you are happy with it too, make the choices for them, but if they are not happy, they will protest and if you are not happy, you will protest.

Join me next week for more techniques for teaching your kids about choice and helping them use their "choice muscle".

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Decision Techniques
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Opportunities
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: How to Give Choices