The language I chose to study is Spanish. The reason I picked it was probably that when I was in primary school, I studied with a wonderful teacher we called "Señor Carlos", who made it so much fun that I will forever associate Spanish with fun times. One day, I am determined to visit Spain or some Latin American country so I can show off my amazing Spanish skills.

Actually, the more I study, the more I realize there are quite a few languages I would like to learn, none of which are anything like any of the languages I already speak. I am particularly captivated by Arabic and Russian and my latest addition is AUSLAN (AUstralian Sign LANguage).

What I want to talk to you about is the benefit of speaking a second and even a third language. Being the devil's advocate that I am, I want to share with you a few things that may not be so great . Then, I want you to tell me what you think. If you spoke (or if you already speak) a different language (other than English, that is), would you teach it to your kids?

First of all, I have to be upfront and say that I LOVE speaking a second language. In the community that I live in, I am one of a few who do and it makes me feel special. Lots of people find it fascinating and I love the positive attention. In the development course that I am just learning, we recently covered the topic of language acquisition. The main theories revolved around acquiring a new language and the most important thing was that languages all have a critical period. I know my mom normally says it is until the age of 5, but many researchers believe it extends as far as puberty.

So, if I could go back to a time when learning a language was a breeze, I would learn a thousand more. To top it all off, research in the early 1920's showed that children who were bilingual showed better academic performance and exhibited "more cognitive elasticity including a better ability to analyze abstract visual patterns".

If I understand my Neuroscience course correctly, there are simply more synaptic connections in a multilingual brain and the information is much easier to remember, much easier to retrieve and much harder to forget.

My mom talks in her workshop Language of the Heart about the importance of parents speaking their native language with their children. And when you meet people who don't do it, you realize just how important it is. Because when you speak Swahili and your child speaks English, you might not understand each other and there's a bit of a disconnection in your family.

There are many people in my parent's circle of friends who feel it is simply too hard to force their kids to speak a separate home language. It is much easier just to let them turn to English.

And it is true! We are so immersed in our English-speaking environment that it is much easier to just speak English at home. But then Grandma and Grandpa call on Skype to ask how everyone is and the kids just look blank and say nothing, because they have no idea what their own grandparents are saying. It is even worse when they go "back home" to visit, and the kids spend the entire time watching American cartoons, because "no one in this country speaks any English!"

And you know what? I can promise you that one day they are going to reach their 20s and they're going to be very upset at you for not insisting.

If my grandparents had insisted with my parents, I would now be speaking six languages. SIX! Do you know how cool that would be? That is much more impressive than two, surely, and the benefits are phenomenal.

Let me give you an example. My dad speaks two languages fluently. After high school, he studied Arabic for a time and when we lived in Thailand, he also spoke some Thai. And he has this amazing ability to understand even the most bizarre concepts. Because he can link almost anything to words he knows from all kinds of languages and the meanings become clear. This amazing deductive skill has come in handy for me many a time with my assignments in science, in psychology, in philosophy and now, even in Spanish.

So let's sum up the benefits.

• My parents, my siblings and I have our own language that no one but us can understand most of the time. No need to hide or tone down the conversation. For all intents and purposes, it's just us at the supermarket anyway
• My siblings and I talk to our grandparents and our aunts and uncles overseas with no problems at all. This way, we get to feel a bit closer to our otherwise nonexistent extended family
• We all read and write in a different language, which give us a much wider variety from which to choose
• We understand two languages, so the pool of movies and songs from which to choose is bigger
• If research is correct, then our studies are much easier for all three of us kiddies than they otherwise would be. This could easily explain our academic achievements
• We can mix with more types of people and have more friends, because we have more practice at adapting to another form of communication
• And best of all, is if I want to turn to my brother and tell him his fly is undone, no one need know…

So now that we have established that speaking more than one language is a great thing, let's talk about some downsides. They are small, but I just want to get them off my chest.

Speaking a different language at home to what everyone else speaks is not all daisies. We speak Hebrew at home and English everywhere else. Because of this, having people over for dinner is not as effortless as it would be in other homes.

When an English-speaking person joins us for a meal, we need to change our dialogue completely. Jokes aren't the same and conversation is completely shifted. It is a foreign concept for us to speak English around the dinner table. Or the breakfast table. Or anytime at home, for that matter.

This means that sleepovers are a bit of a juggling act for whichever of us has the friend over. This middle person is always bridging between the family and the friend. Of course, we all speak English as a primary language, but it just isn't the same.

Another thing for me is that now that I am older and thinking about life partners, I need to consider the language that my partner speaks. Of course, after taking these last few psychology courses, he will hopefully speak as many languages as possible, but the key thing is the language in which we share our love.

As kitschy as it sounds, my parents love me and my siblings (and each other) in Hebrew. It just doesn't feel the same to them in English.

And me? Well, I have two first languages, so I love people in the same languages they love me. But what about my partner? What if he speaks English? Or what if he speaks Afrikaans? In what language will he love me? It is all well and good to say "I love you" in whatever language but mean it the most only in your "language or the heart"?

So now, it's your turn. What do you think? Is it worth it? Will you teach your kids the languages that you speak?

Happy parenting,
Eden

You may want to read

• Raising Grownups
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.
• TV Diet (7): Learning and Education

Recently, we launched a new website called The Motivational Speaker, where organizations from all around the world can find out about Ronit's powerful, educational and inspiring presentations. The range of presentations and workshops includes (but is not limited to):

Self Esteem and Personal Development

• Against All Odds
• Winning Attitude
• Sickness to Health
• The Golden Rush for Goals
• Be Special Be Yourself
• Time Flies - How to Be the Pilot
• Life is a Balancing Act
• Freedom Within
• Projection!
• Regain Control over Your Life

Education, Leaning and Creativity

• Unlock the Creative Mind
• Diagnosing Learning Difficulties and Gifts in Children

Cultural Awareness and Diversity

• Language of the Heart
• Across the Cultural Divide
• We Are Australia
• Gentle Men and Strong Women

Communication and Relationships

• Just the Two of Us
• Different Strokes for Different Folks
• Better Parenting Skills

Wealth Mindset and Business

• Think Like a Millionaire
• Fast Track to Success
• Different Strokes for Different Folks
• Time Flies - How to Be the Pilot
• Life is a Balancing Act

Ronit's mission is to touch the hearts of millions of people worldwide through her public appearances, blogging and books. The Motivational Speaker is a major milestone on her journey.

What's in it for you?

As a parent, you can get a group of parents together through your school, parent association or community and invite Ronit for a full day of parenting skills. Wherever you are, you and your friends can boost the quality of life for yourself, your kids and others around you by learning down-to-earth, practical and highly effective ways to do things better at home.

As a leader or member of an organization, you can help improve teamwork, customer relations, workplace culture, level of service and many other things by leveraging the right presentation for your organization.

Ronit has already been invited to speak for various initiatives of the Queensland government, schools, parent associations, the University of Queensland and businesses.

I would like to invite you to visit The Motivational Speaker and find a presentation or workshop for your own organization, school or community. If you can make the decision yourself, please send a booking inquiry. If it has to be somebody else, please let them know about the site and what you have found there that will be interesting, or just send them this post.

Thank you for your support,
Gal

You may want to read

• Motivating Kids (18)
• Motivating Kids (16)
• Anybody Can Do It

Many times, we do not know if kids actually know things, because they are too young to tell us. In fact, they know a lot more than they can tell. As parents, we can sometimes ask our kids questions that are simply too advanced for them, conclude they do not know the answer and become disappointed with their lack of knowledge. This does not have to be so.

From the second they are born, kids' brains make new connections. Every sound, every vision, every new experience adds many of those connections to the brain. The more connections they have, the better. More connections mean more knowledge.

Repetition and variation help the brain learn. Kids see, hear and feel things in many different ways. For example, they see a monkey on TV, they see it at the zoo, they see it in a photo or a drawing and they make the connection that the thing they see is the same thing - they form the concept "monkey", even though they may not know it is called "monkey" yet.

Kids know things they cannot name and it is important to understand when they know something and cannot tell and when they do not know it.

Sometimes, kids also know the thing's name, but you must ask the right question to find out.

Receptive vs. Expressive questions

"Receptive language" is when kids know things but cannot express their knowledge. "Expressive language" is when kids can express what they know.

In the development of the brain, the receptive language develops long before the expressive language. The first years of every child are spent absorbing words and phrases from every direction, while only responding with "goo, goo, ga, ga". Kids can take bananas from the kitchen table if asked long before they can say "banana", "kitchen" or "table".

If you have ever learned another language, think how you probably understood what people were talking about long before you could say it yourself.

Here is an example. You show your kids the following 4 pictures:

You then point to the picture of the eggs and ask:

• What is this?

If the kids say "eggs", they know what eggs are.

If they cannot find a name for the thing in the picture, however, it still does not mean they do not know what eggs are. It only means they cannot find the name for the picture.

The question "What is this?" requires expressive skills and should only be asked at a later stage. First, you should use the receptive equivalent by asking:

• Can you show me the eggs? Which one is a picture of eggs?

Kids can point out eggs from a small number of options, then from a larger number of options, well before they can say "eggs" when asked to identify them.

This is why multiple choice exams are much easier than writing exams. Choosing 1 of 4 options is easier than finding the answer yourself, let alone rephrasing hours of class listening and reading.

When teaching young kids, it is important not to frustrate them and check their receptive language first.

If their receptive tags are not fully linked with concepts, go down to 3, or even 2 options and ask "Where are the eggs?"

Make sure you change the order of the cards from time to time so kids do not link the term "eggs" with "the picture on the left". Also, use different pictures of eggs, drawings of eggs and even real eggs to build up the concept.

If kids cannot find the card with the eggs, point to each card in turn and ask in a flat tone "Are these eggs?" Wait for a verbal "yes" or "no", or even a head gesture, then move on to the second card and ask "Are these eggs?" Keep using the same tone of voice or the kids will pick the answer from your tone.

Very important: always give the correct answer. When testing kids, if they do not know the correct answer, tell them what it is. It is even good to repeat a correct answer in an approving tone. Never miss an opportunity to make one more connection in the brain.

Happy teaching,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Kids Speaking a Second Language
• TV Diet (7): Learning and Education
• School Horrors: My Torn Notebook

So, with regrets that our son Tsoof could not participate in a music competition his school percussion ensemble worked so hard to get into, we wrote the school the kids would be missing almost a month of school.

For the big kids, 19 and 12, traveling was something they were very familiar with. As young kids, they traveled around the world and missed many days of school, a fact that did not effect their learning (actually, it enhanced their learning, I think). We did not know how Noff, our 7-year-old daughter, would react to the whole thing. Her last long trip was about 4 years ago, and it was a holiday anyway, so she missed nothing.

She was very excited about the flight. She could not remember the flights 4 years before and enjoyed every minute of it. When we reached Thailand, she said something about the place being "dirty", but still experimented with food and did not complain about the heat or the spiciness.

In Israel, many family members met her for the first time. Everyone was excited and Noff was happy with the abundance of love and attention. It was wonderful to see her enjoying every minute of it. At night, she did not want to go to bed and stayed awake until late. People were excited she could speak Hebrew and were astonished when she danced. For her, the whole month was the best "show off" period of her life.

On the last week of our stay, my family members said she had grown in a month. It is funny, but when you see your kids every day, it is hard for you to notice their growth. Only when I look at my kids' clothes and notice they are too small do I realize they have grown out of them. When I look at them every day, they look the same to me.

I knew that others, who had not seen her every day, could notice things I could not (just like looking in the mirror and not being able to see how much we have changed until we compare to a photo from 3 months ago), so I decided to pay attention to the changes.

This week, when we came home, she started talking differently. I guess her language developed from a whole month of talking to so many people. The range of feelings she expresses has grown so much that it feels like she is 10 years old. She even uses some grown-up expressions she had never heard at home, like "Mom, do me a favor, will you?"

On her first day back to school, one of her friends mistreated her and called in the afternoon to apologies. After the call ended, Noff said, "I know I should forgive her, but I am not very impressed. She's apologized in the past but then behaved like this again". I guess spending a whole month with her teacher, social worker and art therapist aunties had influenced her a lot.

I think the surprising bit was when she got dressed early in the morning on Monday, preparing to go to school and her pants were about 7 centimeters short…

I never knew that a month away from school could make you taller!

You may want to read

• Raising Grownups
• Kids Appreciating Art
• Parents, Get Involved in Your Kids’ Homework

Amanda's daughters were normal, joyful 5- and 3-year-old girls but everything they did upset her. When they ran around giggling, she thought they were too loud. When they watched TV, she was unhappy about them doing nothing. When each of them did her own thing, she thought they did not play nicely with each other. When they wanted each other's toys, she thought they hated each other and never stopped fighting.

Everyone told her great things about her daughters. At first, she thought it was because people did not see what she saw in her daughters or maybe they acted differently around other people, but as she progressed with her coaching program, she realized she had wonderful daughters and she needed help herself.

During a visit to Amanda's house, I noticed that her communication with the girls was full of pink elephants. For a whole hour, she kept telling the girls what not to do - "Don't leave the door open", "Don't run around". Running around is a problem for many parents, but it is important to remember that running around is a healthy, happy, joyful thing that kids do. They benefit from running around and parents should ask themselves "Why not let them?" Even when the girls were sitting quietly and teasing each other in a jolly way, Amanda said, "Don't talk to your sister like that".

For the whole time I was with Amanda and her daughters, she said nothing positive to her daughters and she felt frustrated that her tone of voice was angry. She loved them very much, but had many unrealistic expectations of them.

I believe that kids fulfill the things you think about them. I carry a card in my wallet for 23 years as a reminder for me to watch my language around my kids and other kids I work with. As I have said before, kids are like monkeys. They are mirrors of our own fears and problems. If you tell them what not to do, they cannot learn at all what they should do.

Children Learn What They Live
- Dorothy Law Neite

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child learns to feel shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

When I talked to Amanda about the reason she did not say positive things to her daughters, she said her mother was exactly like that - strict and always saying what not to do. Amanda found it hard to say good things because she had never heard them herself.

Saying good things to your kids comes from the tank of good things you have heard yourself. When your tank is empty, it is harder to say good things to your kids. However, it is possible!

Saying positive things is a habit, just like the opposite is. If your parents had that habit of being critical rather than encouraging, it is probably because their parents used this communication and their parents used this method of communicating… It is a cycle that we must stop.

If you examine it, you will find that the reason people talk like this to their kids is because many years ago, maybe hundreds of years ago, their grand, grand, grand, grandparents talked like this, probably because of different circumstances, thoughts and fears that no longer exist.

Amanda's daughter behaved in such a way, because the amount of positive things Amanda expressed towards her daughters was little and we have both decided to change the ratio.

Amanda and I sat together and wrote 100 things she could say to her daughters in a positive way. The first step to saying good things to your kids is to start with yourself. Take a sheet of paper and write 100 good things about yourself. Yes, I know it is not easy, especially if you have not heard it from your parents, but remember, you need these thoughts in your tank if you want to easily say them to your kids.

If you cannot think of enough things, ask yourself "What would I have liked my parents to tell me?" This should give you a clear idea about what kids would like their parents to say.

When your list is done, print it and hang it somewhere visible, if you want to measure how wonderful your kids behave, count how many of the compliments here you have used every day. I promise you, the more you use every day, the happier you will feel about your parenting.

Here is Amanda's list. I am sharing it with you in hope that you take some ideas from it to make your list. Remember, this list can be useful for boys as for girls and for every age.

"100 things to say to my daughters" by Amanda

1. I am happy you are my daughter
2. You are so beautiful
3. I am so happy to see you drawing
4. You are so smart
5. That's a good job
6. You are concentrating very well
7. Well done!
8. You are very responsible
9. You are growing so well
10. It's great you know what you want
11. You are very independent
12. You are cute
13. You are singing so beautifully
14. It is good you are positive
15. Your teacher loves you
16. It is great that you are persistent
17. You are such a great helper
18. You are so good at …
19. You are playing so nice together
20. Your skin is so soft
21. You have a magic touch
22. Let's hug. You are my teddy bear
23. Good job!
24. You are very mature
25. Excellent!
26. It is OK to be upset sometimes
27. You are my baby
28. You are friendly
29. You are wonderful
30. Everyone loves you
31. You are playing so nicely with friends
32. You are getting along so well with your sister
33. I am proud of you for playing quietly while I am asleep
34. It is great to hear you talking to each other at night, like two fairies
35. It excites me to see you doing things together
36. Look at you! You got dressed all by yourself
37. Thank you for helping me
38. Your hair is beautiful
39. I am glad you are trying even when it is hard
40. Your tummy is soft
41. You are sweet
42. You can do it
43. You make us a happy family
44. You are very strong
45. It is hard, but I am happy you are not giving up
46. You are such a good girl
47. You are excellent
48. I have fun with you
49. Thank you!
50. You and I grow together. It's wonderful
51. You are fun
52. You are wonderful
53. I am proud that …
54. I appreciate it when …
55. You are the most … girl
56. You make me so happy
57. You are the best thing that ever happened to me
58. You are a good friend
59. To be a wonderful mom, I need wonderful kids and you are a wonderful kid
60. You can do anything you want in life, I will help you do it
61. You have a wonderful smile
62. You have a big heart
63. You are so gentle with your sister
64. You are so considerate
65. I am so proud, I am like a peacock thanks to you
66. You are good
67. I trust you …
68. You are healthy and your body is strong and can heal anything
69. You are special
70. I am the proudest mom in the world
71. If I'm sad, I only need to think about you and my sadness disappears
72. You are brave
73. You are important to me
74. You are my treasure
75. You make me feel like a special mom
76. I can help if you need me
77. You are so joyous
78. You are so happy
79. You have made my day
80. You make me laugh
81. I am happy you are taking good care of yourself
82. It is great that you try different kinds of food
83. You are my sunshine
84. You are the love of my life
85. You can trust yourself
86. I will always help you
87. I will always be here for you
88. You are such a great traveler
89. Just tell me when you need my help
90. I am so happy you are adventurous
91. You are very understanding
92. Everyone thinks highly of you
93. You rock!
94. You dance so beautifully
95. I admire you for …
96. Every mom would love to have a kid like you
97. A girl like you is every mom's dream
98. Being your mom makes me so happy
99. You make parenting so wonderful
100. I love you!

I hope this list can help you find out the wonderful things you can/should say to your sons and daughters. They need to hear them, but more importantly, you need to hear yourself saying them.

If you have more ideas for me to add to this list and share with the many readers, please write them in the comment box below.

Happy list writing!

Love,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Questions, Questions
• 5 Common Parenting Mistakes
• Happiness!

Focus

In my post on Pink Elephants, I explained the way our brain processes negative expressions like "no", "don't", "shouldn't" and "not". We cannot "not think" of a pink elephant dancing with a tutu, not even if we say "please". If you have no idea what I am talking about, I encourage you to read the original post and then continue).

What Australia says to violence against children

In one of my parenting workshops, I had a discussion with one of the fathers about the use of negative words and we talked about the slogan "Australia says 'no' to violence against children". I explained that the brain records "Australia says to violence against children", omits the "no" and focuses on "Australia", "violence" and "children". Paul thought it was a great slogan (and he did not work for the copywriting company who came up with the slogan).

At that stage, all the other participants already understood that "no smoking" only promoted smoking by focusing on the smoking, so pretty quickly, there was a lively group interaction going on.

Paul: I think it is our responsibility to create awareness.

Maria: Awareness to what? To violence?

Paul: Yes. I went everyone to know that there is violence against children.

Marilyn: And then what?

Paul: If people know, they can change things.

Ronit: The slogan "Australia says 'no' to violence against children", is it for the people who are violent against their children or to people who are not?

Paul (thinking): To both.

Lana: I am not violent against my kids and the slogan just reminded me of violence against kids.

Paul: It is still good for you to know that there are parents who are violent against their kids.

Lana: And what will I do with that?

Maria: Do you think the slogan impresses people who are violent against their children?

The discussion went on for about 15 minutes. Paul was still holding on to his belief that focusing on what is not good has the best affect on people.

"Paul, tell us what you want", I asked him.

"I want people to stop hitting their kids", he said.

"OK, but tell us what you want them to do", I kept asking.

Paul sat for a few seconds and thought about it. "What do you want?" was always my question to help people move forward. Think about it, we are so used to focusing on what we do not want that whenever I ask someone "What do you want?", it stops our mind from racing and slows us down to think.

[Try this with your kids. When they complain about something they are not happy about, ask them, "So what do you want?" and even if you have to repeat the question 3-4 times, keep asking and watch the magic happen.]

"What would you do if your kid ran to the street and you did not want him to get hurt?", Paul asked.

"The first thing I would do is grab him and bring him to the sidewalk. There is no time for words in a situation like that, but let's say it is not a life-threatening situation, what do you want from your child?", I asked him.

"To stay off the street when he is playing", Paul said.

Lana felt she had to participate. "Ronit is asking you what you want and you keep telling her what you don't want. Why can't you just tell her what you want? This is your kid and you want to teach him something important. What is it?", she asked, sounding frustrated.

Paul stopped for a second and said, "I want him to be safe. I want him to learn to take care of himself".

I knew he understood it very well at that point and asked him, "Paul, so what do you want parents who hit their kids to learn?"

Children see, children do - Child Friendly Australia

This week, I got a video made by a great organisation, which presented the answer we were looking for in our discussion at that parenting workshop. What would you want people to focus on? We want them to focus on creating a child-friendly environment for our kids. We want them to be happy, to feel safe and to have good relationships with others.

The answer to (the pink elephant) "Australia says no to violence against children" is now "Australia says yes to a child-friendly environment for our children" and I love this new focus.

This wonderful video will show you how important you are in your kids' life and why working on yourself is the best way to help your kids.

Go to http://www.childfriendly.org.au/streaming1.htm to watch the video (right-click and choose Zoom->Full Screen for best view).

You may want to read

• What Are You Saying to Your Teens?
• Bullying (13): How to help bullying victims
• Bullying (12): How to help bullying victims

What happened?

If you are like everyone else out there, you imagined a pink elephant and maybe, maybe managed to chase it away. I agree, I was very cruel putting the pink elephant in front of you and asking you not to think about it, but hey, life is the same - we see things around us and cannot choose to “not see" them.

Many of my clients, who go through deep understanding of the pink elephant concept, say it is a lifetime revelation for them and an essential ingredient for a good relationship.

A couple of clients came to me for parent coaching because of a problem they had with their teen boy, and were very surprised when we went through Pink Elephants. They said, "We tell him every day NOT to hang around bad kids, but saying it only puts the focus on those kids we want him to stay away from".

The day after our session, the mother sent me this email:

Dear Ronit,

You won't believe what happened after we left our session last night. I was home for 3 minutes and so many Pink Elephants came out of my mouth… It is so hard!

It is hard, I agree.

During the session, I ring a bell every time anyone uses a pink elephant. This is annoying, but if you try it for 10 minutes, you will find out that we all use many, many pink elephants in our language. We are so programmed to express our thoughts with negatives that no wonder our world is so angry and upset and our relationships suffer greatly.

Pink elephants are the things we do not want in life, but focus on just the same. Pink elephants are all the negative words we use, like "unacceptable", "don't forget" and "no smoking". By thinking of them, we do exactly the opposite of what we want.

When we are not happy with something, we use more pink elephants in our language. If you want to try, write a letter to someone about something you are really upset about, and count how many pink elephants you have there (reminder: pink elephants are words with "no", "don't", "un", "not", "lose", etc). Now, try to rewrite it with a focus on what you do want instead of what you do not want. Yes, this is not easy, but it is possible.

During the teen years, parents are not happy about many things. Their teenagers look for ways to experience life, they struggle with boundaries, with pressure and with finding their uniqueness and many parents lose control of their kids' life at that stage. This is the danger zone, when the parent–teen relationship is filled with pink elephants.

Frustration is good food for pink elephants. When things do not happen the way we want them to, we use them a lot. Parents say to their kids, "I do not want you to do drugs", which gets the teens thinking about drugs. Teens say, "I don't want you to look at my stuff", which makes their parents really curious.

Both parents and teens want good things but use the wrong methods to get them.

Let me give you an example of the communication gap between parents and teens. If you tell your kid, "I don't want you to hang around bad kids", you are saying exactly what you mean, but your child's brain (which cannot not think of a pink elephant) hears, "I want you to hang around bad kids".

It is what happens to most people when they see the sign "Wet paint. Do not touch!" and they touch the paint right away.

The reason this thing happens is that the brain first records "touch" and only then tries to block it (just like you did with the Pink Elephant – the elephant appeared and you tried to chase it away). Since "not touching" is undefined, the only thing the person can do is touch.

When you use pink elephants with your kids, this is very confusing for them. They hear you saying, "Watch TV until late", but then you get upset with them for doing exactly what they think you told them to do.

Here are some of the pink elephants parents tell their teen kids:

• [Don't] talk back to me
• I'm [not] happy you've failed in math
• Your friends, who smoke and drink, are [no] good for you
• [Don't] drink and drive
• [Don't] smoke

Exactly like the couple who wanted to save their teen from falling real hard, you can too, if you just change the focus to what you want your teen to do rather than what you do not want them to do. It is hard at first, but liberating and very positive in the end. Focus on what you want!

Post your alternatives to the statements above in the comment box to practice, but also to give others some ideas.

Happy parenting,

Ronit

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Please do not think of a pink elephant dancing, dressed with a tutu.

What happened?

More than likely, you imagined a pink elephant and maybe, maybe managed to chase it away. I agree, I was very cruel putting the pink elephant in front of you and asking you not to think about it, but hey, life is the same. We see things around us and cannot choose not to see them.

Talking in negatives works like this too. We see a sign that says "Don’t drink and drive", we link drinking with driving, and only then we try to get rid of the thought, but can we?

Many of my clients who develop a deep understanding of the pink elephant concept say there is a big difference between understanding something and changing it and I agree. This is the reason that reading a book, going to a seminar or even reading this post helps only a very small percentage of people (less than 5%) to make a change. New knowledge, if not immediately implemented and/or repeated will be forgotten in less than 4 days.

There are two parts to making a change from using a negative language to a positive one. The first is to understand how we were programmed to use negative language in our life. We talk about what we are not happy about and we express disappointment and frustration instead of saying what we feel, need and want.

The second part of making the change is to do something different and practice doing it until it becomes the new habit.

To help you make the change, here are some rules you need to remember.

Rule #1 - Every expression containing negatives like un, non, not, don’t, stop, quit, no or never (and even free) is a Pink Elephant

Rule #2 - Being positive with your language takes time and practice. Cut yourself some slack.

Rule #3 - People using Pink Elephants are not negative. They are only repeating expressions they have heard so many times. Be forgiving to others when they use such language, because forgiveness is positive.

Rule #4 - People using positive language are attractive, like magnets. Others feel comfortable around them without really knowing why. Hang around positive people, because they are contagious!

Rule #5 - Children are very sensitive to language. If you tell them what you do not want them to do, their brain only records the very thing you asked them not to do. When you say "Don’t forget", you actually say "Forget". Be more cautious with your pink elephants around kids. It is not enough to say "please". Unfortunately, it will not help you to say "Don't think of a pink elephant, please!" They will!

Rule #6 - Find your pink elephants and work on them. 3 weeks is all you need to make that change. Any habit can be changed within 21 days.

Rule #7 - When you are stuck and do not have any idea how to change the phrase from negative to positive, ask yourself "What do I want?" This question is the #1 key to freedom. A simple question, "What do I want?" Concentrate on this and the answer will come.

Here are some examples of use of pink elephants that could be problematic in a workplace and some suggestions of positive communication.

Example #1

You are about to say: You are useless and irresponsible!

Think: What do I want?

Try this instead: I need to mail to be sorted by 12 noon. Can you please make it a priority?

In the first statement, the highlighted words carved into the listener's head are "useless" and "irresponsible". In the second statement, the highlighted words are "mail", "12 noon" and "priority". Which one do you think is going to get you closer to having your mail sorted?

Example #2

You are about to say: Stop interrupting me!

Think: What do I want?

Try this instead: Jim, I am in the middle of something. Please let me finish it and I’ll get back to you when I'm done.

The first statement highlights the interruption, while the second talks about middle of something, finish and get back to you. Will a person keep interrupting you if he knows he will be heard later?

Example #3

You are about to say: I am not going to tolerate late arrivals.

Think: What do I want?

Try this instead: I expect you to arrive for work on time

The first statement highlights "tolerate" "late arrivals", while the seconds plants in the listener's head "expect" "arrive" "on time". Which one is going to be more successful?

With the 7 rules in mind, let us start the process of change. I will include phrases containing pink elephants. Please change them to positive sentences and post your answers below as a comment.

1. Don't forget your keys
2. Please don’t touch my precious vase
3. I don’t want you to talk to me like this
4. I’m not sure I want to do this
5. Don’t talk to strangers
6. This is not my fault
7. Say no to domestic violence
8. Stop running around like a little maniac and making these horrible noises all the time
9. Quit smoking
10. Don’t drink and drive

If you want to practice speaking (and thinking) in a positive way, write a page or an email to someone telling about something you are not happy about, something you find frustrating or that you feel bad about. When you are done freely expressing yourself, count how many pink elephants you have on your page (this is the first stage - recognizing). Use rule #1 to find them.

Now, using the other rules, try to re-write your text using positive words. Yes, some say, it physically hurts and frustrating and impossible to completely rewrite it in a positive way, but it will start your process of change.

Language is not just a blend of sounds. It creates meaning, which creates thinking, which creates attitude, which creates your life.

Watch your language and beware of the Pink Elephants.

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Many times, I have been asked if I had a "magic formula" to solve behavioural problems and I always say that behaviour management is not fixing behavioural problems but preventing them from happening.

The difference between fixing a problem and preventing it is the difference between a proactive mindset and a reactive one. When I need to fix a problem, I become "The Fire Brigade" and start putting out fires and that is no fun, because I am then controlled by the circumstances or the people around me (the kids).

Here are some tools from my "magic toolbox" to make sure you will not have to deal with any behaviour problems in your parenting.

1. Use Positive Language

Many behaviour problems at home (and school, of course) are due to the use of negative language. If you listen to parents and teachers communicating with kids, you will notice they are very clear about what they do not want the kids to do. "Don't run around", "Don't talk with your mouth full", "Don't be late", "Don't forget to …".

But our brain cannot "not think" of things (see Pink Elephants), so it ignores the "don't", "no" and even "stop" and focuses on "run around", "talk with your mouth full", "be late" and "forget to …".

It is just as easy to tell a child what you want them to do instead of what you do not want them. Do this and you will notice how they change after a short time. Say "Please walk carefully", "Please eat quietly for a while", "Please come on time" and "Remember to …".

Despite my awareness of the use of language, I realised at some point that my son was the greatest "astronaut" on earth. We used to say that if his head was not attached to his body, he would have forgotten it too. Then, I noticed I was saying to him every morning, "Don't forget to take this", "Don't forget you have band practice at 10" and so on. I had done this every day for a few years and instead of making him remember, I was making him forgetful. So, I wrote on my whiteboard in big letters "Remember" and, sure enough, after 3 weeks I had a different kid. 3 weeks and he remembered every activity he had during his school day (and he had many of them).

2. Be a Role Model

Children, especially young ones, try different ways to get what they want. This is a good way for them to experience the world. If you want them to behave in a curtain way, tell them, show them and more than that, do it yourself. I remember my dad getting very upset when he found out that my 16 year-old brother was smoking (he probably started when he was 12). I remember him shouting and screaming, until my sister, who was 17, said to him, "Why are you so upset? You smoke too. How can you tell him it is bad to smoke if you smoke yourself?" My dad stopped. He looked like she had banged him hard on his head. He quietly left the room and we never saw him smoking anymore.

With young children, we can turn their attention to the good things we do by saying, "We put our toys away like this" or "I put my clothes in the laundry box when I take them off. Why don't you put your clothes their too?"

With teenagers, before you become upset about what they do or do not do, ask yourself what you did when you were their age. Some things are not that big a deal. You did silly, irresponsible things too, right? Tell them about thing you did that did not work for you and give them examples from your own life. If you have any fears about their future, take a look at yourself. You did not turn out so bad after all, right?

3. Respect Your Kids

If you are not happy with something your kids do, make sure to say it to them in private. Shaming your kids in public is humiliating and only increases undesired behaviour.

Respect their time - Planning is a good way to manage kids' behaviour. If you are organised and take into consideration their time they feel their environment is a safe place.

With young kids, if you want them to do things or stop doing things while they are playing, give them a "heads up". Because their perception of time is not fully formed yet, tell them what is about to happen. Say, "We are leaving in 10 minutes, so you have 10 more minute to play".

With teenagers, letting them know the daily schedule is a great way to prevent many behaviour problems. We do this on our way to school in the morning by telling everyone in the car the plan for the whole day. If you take their schedule into account, they feel respected and show respect to the family schedule.

Respect their privacy. Assign your kids places that are only theirs and be strict about allowing them time for themselves and with their friends and respect their possessions. Ask permission to look at personal things, just like you needed privacy when you were a teenager.

4. Separate the Person from the Act

Kids are not "bad" or "naughty", they are kids.

If you tell your kid you are not happy with something they did, make sure you are not calling names or labelling. Avoid saying "you are …" and say instead "this behaviour …" or "what you've just done" and be specific about what caught your attention.

Even when you are upset about your kids' behaviour, tell them how much you love them. This is critical with teens. Keep the communication channels open at all times.

5. Focus on the Positive

Many parents pay attention to what their kids do "wrong" instead of paying attention to what they do well. Notice your kids' good behaviour and it will grow. Do not take for granted what they do well and mention it as soon as it happens.

With young kids, you can say "You are eating so cleanly" or "Wow, did you just buckle your seatbelt by yourself? I am so proud of you".

With older kids, you can say "I appreciate your help" or "I am very proud or you" for every little thing they do. We all love to be appreciated!

6. 12 Hugs a Day

Children need physical touch for their emotional health, so make sure you touch them enough during the day. Pat them on the shoulder, comb their hair, hold their hands or their face and hug them. Hug them when they are young, hug them when they are not so young, hug them even after they grow taller than you… Physical contact is a basic need for all people, and if they do not get it from you, they will get it from somewhere else. Many Special Education children with behavioural problems, including violence, only need a hug!

7. Rewards Good Behaviour!

Whether we admit it or not, rewarding is a way of conditioning our kids to keep doing the things we want them to do. It can be a word, a touch or a material thing.

You need to be careful with rewards that the child will not condition you. I remember a friend I had who said to her 5 year old son every time we went to a restaurant, "If you eat your food, you can get ice cream". It did not take long before he started saying "If you want me to eat, I want my ice cream first" and nothing helped her. He ate his ice cream first and never ate the food. Be careful not to use conditioning like this. If you do want to use this method, use it on everyone at once - "If you all finish your food, we will be able to watch a movie together".

Final Word

Maybe the greatest secret is to align your behaviour management philosophy with your partner's. Consistency makes kids feel secure and gains their trust. There is a great correlation between couples agreeing on their parenting style and kids with good behaviour.

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Mike had already arranged the paperwork with his lawyer. "I'm going to divorce her", he said at the end of the first session.

In many cases, coaching is like being an investigator. At the end of the first session, I sat in the café, writing all the pieces of the puzzle I had gathered from Mike.

Mike's father had been a drunk who used to beat him and his mother. Mike's mother had divorced his father and married another abusive man Mike never liked. He had met Laura (and her 4-year-old son) in his late 20s and after a few years of being together, they had gotten married.

Mike and Laura had another daughter, Mel, who was now 10 years old. They had shared a great love, owned a business together and lived in a huge house until they decided to sell the business and Laura realised she was not happy anymore.

They had spent their time at home. Mike had started a new Internet-based business and was in front of his computer most of the time. One day, they had gotten drunk together and had a fight. He had pulled her hair, she had called the police and out went Mike.

He rented a room down the road, so he could spend time with Mel until they sorted out all the divorce papers. Mike talked about problems, about what did not work, what he did not like about Laura, what he had never liked about her, why they had not talked to each other in two months and how upset he was she had decided after their fight to see a life coach (which is probably what made him look for one himself).

In my session notes, I wrote to myself, "Uses the words 'must', 'should', 'have to', 'the right thing to do' and 'this is wrong' a lot".

At the end of our second session, Mike had a different look on his face. He was a fast learner and every time I introduced a new technique, he changed right in front of me in seconds. "If you keep doing what you have always done, you will keep getting what you have always gotten" was the topic of that session.

At the same time, it was very hard for Mike to let go of what he thought was an integral part of his identity.

"When was the last time you went on a date with Laura?" I asked him.

He looked surprised.

"When was the last time you went on a romantic weekend together?" I asked.

Mike smiled.

"What do you love about Laura?" I asked him to make a list.

By the end of this session, Mike had convinced himself that it was wonderful Laura was seeing a life coach and that he could bring himself to talk to her and he put this on his action list.

In our third session, he realised that if he wanted to feel good about meeting a new woman or about divorcing Laura, he had to work on himself and not expect Laura to give him that feeling. He understood that the main problem between them was that he wanted to control Laura's actions, behaviour, attitude and even words.

When he told me about his relationship with Laura, Mike asked, "Isn't it the same with you and Gal?"

I said, "No".

"But, every man and woman…", he started to say, but then he stopped himself.

You see, for Mike, there was only one way of doing things. There was one way to behave, one way to work, one way to dress, one way to relate and one way to connect with each other.

During the session, he realised he had been living in "The land of disappointment", where he was constantly disappointed with people around him. He had thought everyone ought to behave in a certain way and when they hadn't, he had gotten angry.

The thought of him acting constantly disappointed was very sad when he talked about Mel. "My goodness, I always told her what to do and why what she was doing was no good", he said, feeling guilty. This time, he was talking about it in past tense and I knew this was a good start.

Here is an email he sent me after our forth session:

Hi Ronit,

I had a lot to work about after the last session…

Laura did not sign the document. Instead, we went out to dinner on Thursday night and she apologised for the way she had treated me over the past 6 months. We had a nice BBQ on Friday and a romantic moment on Sunday … Needless to say, I'm very happy about that! We are taking it slowly, but it looks like we might get back together ;-)

Mel and I have both filled out our 50 happy things list and we have started cutting and pasting pictures of them as you suggested.

I have read through the pages and filled out the "future me" part, but I am not happy with it. I have started laminating key sheets, because after getting the gist of this course, I feel like I want to re-write a few things (express myself better, plus define my goals).

I did have a bad moment with my temper yesterday with Mel. I had a bad day in business and I think that was what set me off … Unfortunately, I took it out on her. I would like to discuss that with you at our next meeting. When I get stressed, I find it very hard to shake off the feeling and I find that a million pink elephants fly out of my mouth!

I went to Mel's sports day at school and it was fun, so all is forgiven, but I really need to work on that area.

I sent some flowers to Laura at work today. Hopefully, I can keep up that sort of behaviour for the next 30 years ;-)

Mike

Mike only had 7 sessions with me. He never divorced Laura and she never signed the divorce papers. To start their new life together, with going out, accepting each other and expressing love every day, they moved to a small town for Mel to be close to horses and for them to be able to dedicate more time to each other. All this happened only 4 months after I met him.

All the beautiful, courageous people in this post are real people and real clients. Their names and other revealing details regarding their life were changed to keep their privacy.

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