During coaching, I usually share some of my personal experience with my clients, so it was very natural for me to share one of my horror stories from school. Unfortunately, I have had too many. When I tell them, I re-live them in my mind and have clear memories of them. I remember the names, the places, the settings and the feelings I have had. I shared these stories because I wanted my clients to consider that in spite the horrors of our childhood, we can all make it. In spite of our parents not protecting us, we can make it. In spite of our teachers not teaching us with the right context in mind, we can be very successful. And happy.

All of them just looked at me quietly for a while. One of them started crying (and it was not the 13-year-old). Another one said, "Ronit, you are making this up". The third one said, "It's impossible! You look like you've been successful all your life". Then, all of them left their sessions believing they can make it too.

Gal said I should write it down so more people will be inspired, more parents will be involved in their kids' schooling and more teachers will teach within their students' context, so here I am sharing with you my first horror story from school.

When you read this, please keep in mind that I am a teacher myself. I have a Bachelor of Education, I am a journalist, an author, a Justice of Peace, a motivational speaker and a state director for a big educational organization, yet I admit that my school was like a long and scary horror movie.

I grew up in a poor family. My parents had 5 kids, they left home early in the morning to go to work and on most weeks, my dad also had an second job in the evenings. At the beginning of each school year, my dad would buy us 5-7 notebooks - the simplest ones, with no decorations, just a plain brown cover. He also bought us 2 pencils each, one eraser and one sharpener, because it was very expensive to send all 5 of us to school. We knew that these must last us for the whole year and we would not get any more.

My 4^th Grade teachers' name was Hanna. I have had hundreds of teachers during my life and she was by far the worst, so I still clearly remember her last name, how she spoke, how she looked and even her hairstyle.

She hated my guts.

We had a diary for writing our homework and at the bottom of it was a place for the teachers' comments. Back then, teachers never thought of writing good things and only wrote complaints that we needed our parents to sign as a proof they were aware of the "horrible" things we did at school. My dad was very, very angry when he had to sign one of our teachers' comments and I was very scared of him.

What do you know, my diary was full of her comments. She wrote, "Ronit did not bring a pencil today", "Ronit did not have an eraser", "Ronit's pencils were not sharpened" or "Ronit talked in class today". My dad got very angry every time I asked him to sign one of her comments in my diary. I knew he would not buy me a new eraser or a new sharpener, so on top of him being angry with me for getting into trouble, he was angry with me for forcing him to buy me another pencil or whatever I had lost.

Some days, I could not ask him to sign, because he was not home. My mom could not read or write well enough (she went back to finish primary school at the age of 50) so she never signed the teachers' comments. On those days, I was afraid to go to school, because the teacher would write another comment, saying, "Ronit had a comment yesterday and didn't show it to her parents".

My diary was so full of these comments she used the space intended for writing homework. My diary was full of her writing. I hated writing my homework in it, because there was not a page that did not have any comments and my dad's signature.

One day, sometime around the middle of the year, she came to my desk and looked at me while I was writing in my notebook. It was just an ordinary notebook without any covers and it was pretty messy. When I did not have an erase, I would ask someone to lend me theirs. Unfortunately, this is how she discovered I did not have it and would write yet another comment for my dad to sign, so I stopped asking. The solution I found was to lick my finger and try to rub the writing off page. Sometimes, by mistake, I rubbed it too hard and it made a hole in the page.

That day, she stood there and then she started screaming. Everyone stopped and watched her holding my notebook, screaming and flipping the pages in a rage. "This is not a notebook", she yelled, "This is not how a notebook should look like. This is disgusting", and she tore my notebook to pieces and threw it into the bin.

I freaked out. I knew this would go very badly with my dad and he would "kill me" for it. On other years, when we reached the end of the notebook, we would staple or tape additional sheets of paper to the back of the notebook to make it last longer. Without thinking much, crying and hardly able see to what I was doing from so many tears, I went to her desk, where she had the big class diary with the class role, and I tore it to pieces.

You can imagine I was at the principal office in no time. I sat there and cried. My dad was at work, so they called his workplace and asked him to come to the school to pick me up. I thought he would be so upset with me for missing work that I imagined the worst. I heard the principal telling my dad I must apologize to the teacher, but my dad came and he heard what had happened and got mad at the teacher instead.

For 6 months, she had tortured me with her comments and he had told me off. Now, he was upset that she had torn my notebook, because he had worked so hard for it. So he said to the principal that I would apologize only after the teacher apologized for damaging my personal property.

The teacher tried to get her revenge for this humiliation, so she kept writing comments, but from that moment on, my dad refused to sign them. He was so upset with her that he used to say to me, "I'm not signing. Take this back to your teacher and tell her your dad said she's a <insert graphic label here>".

Do you know what I did?

I did not say anything, but my life changed from being afraid to come back home to also being afraid to go back to school. Instead of telling the teacher what my dad had said, I said, "He wasn't home" or "I didn't show it to him", which only made her write another note.

Some days, in order to break that cycle, I would beg my older sister, who was in 9^th Grade, to forge my dad's signature. I had to be her slave for days for her to do it for me (I thought that was fair and I appreciated her for it). I was still afraid and my heart would beat fast whenever I showed the signature to the teacher, in case she recognize it was fake. After all, she had seen so many of the real ones, she might be able to tell.

When she gave up on comments in my diary and realized my dad was not signing, she made me stand in the class with my face to the wall for hours, and then, she started sending letters home by post.

This would not be a problem for most kids, because they could just find the letters before their dad got home and get rid of them, by my dad was the postman. He brought the mail with him just before he went out to his second job.

Each letter only got home 2-3 days after she had written it, which gave me some relief for a couple of days, but it forced my dad to sign. The letters upset him even more, because everyone at the post office knew he had gotten a letter from school and that shamed him and our family. I used to be scared out of my mind to face him when he brought one of these letters with him.

Only later on, I learned that my dad and my teacher were fighting with each other over my back. They were using me to abuse each other and making my school life horrible. She probably thought that with her comments, she could make him spend more time with us, pay more attention to us or buy us more equipment, while he just wanted the teachers off his back to allow him to survive working 16 hours every day and to provide enough food for 7 people.

Unfortunately, neither of them considered the impact it had on me.

Some horror schooling experiences are caused by parents, some by teachers, some by friends and some by circumstances. Everyone needs to take responsibility for their part.

Parents, remember

If you have a conflict with your child's teacher, do not be a coward. Never use your child to fight a teacher.

Never say, "Tell the teacher 'My dad said you're stupid'", even if you are only expressing your frustration. Your kids might take you seriously tell the teacher just that. If you are so brave, let's see you saying it to the teacher's face.

There is a big chance the teacher is teaching out of context. He or she may not be aware of what happens in your life. Yes, it is their duty to find out, but it is your responsibility as a parent to let them know and ask for their help.

Always protect your kids or things will get out of control. If you find that there is a conflict between your child and a teacher, try to resolve it. If does not work, get your child moved to another class (or school, if you have to).

Always make sure your kids have extra equipment - erasers, pencils, sharpeners and notebooks. School is not easy and they do not have to worry about asking friends for missing items. This makes the teacher think they are talking and whenever they ask for favors, they need to return them. If there is a need, check every evening that they have everything they need for the following day. Kids lose their items. It happens to all of them, so just live with it and help them be more organized as they grow up.

Teachers, remember

Always consider the child's life context. Your class is not the only part of the world that exists in their life. If they have a problem, ask yourself what could cause it and how you can help. Take a human interest in your students.

When you send messages home, make sure they are positive. Anything can be stated in a soft and supportive manner if you put your mind to it.

Forget the idea that if you put pressure on the parents, they will make sure the kids learn better. Most of the time, it is the opposite. Fear is part of many kids' life and creating more fear just makes the problem worse.

If you think parents are a pain (some may seem to be), keep your thoughts to yourself. Never use the kids to overcome your anger with their parents. It is not their fault - kids do not choose who to be born to.

If a child is dropped off late in the morning, never punish the child. This is something the parents do. Do not encourage children to lie about why they are late. They would rather say they woke up late than tell you their mom is in total panic in the mornings and screams for everyone to get ready for over an hour.

Remember, kids are not poor against you, they are not afraid against you, they are not hungry against you and they are not late against you. If they could do it all differently, they probably would, if only to stop having a frightening schooling experience.

Parents and teachers, you can make a difference, a huge difference! Happy schooling is our goal, because kids who love to learn can do anything.

Happy schooling,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• Thanks to the Teachers
• Stage Fright and Public Speaking

Of course, we do not want our kids to be just anywhere. We want to keep them in a safe place, operated by friendly people who like kids, where our children will be kept occupied, interested and preferably even educated. Not an easy thing to find, especially when that place also needs to make money…

On the emotional side, leaving our kids with others and staying long hours at work creates loads of guilt feelings. If you have ever put your child in childcare, I am sure you have thought to yourself, "What kind of a parent am I if my kids spend most of their days away from me and get most of their care from other people?"

That was exactly my feeling when Tsoof was in Grade 4 and we needed a place for him for a couple of afternoons a week. The guilt feelings were almost unbearable and we were very apprehensive, especially because the choice was limited. After all, how would he get on his own to any place farther than a block away?

This story is not just about one place. It is not even just about after school care. This story is to tell you that when you have to find a place for your kids to spend some time, you can actually find them and your kids can actually be happy there.

We decided to check out the closest option first and, since he was at Macgregor State School, that was the Macgregor Outside School Hours Care (MOSHC). "It's zero walking distance from his school and there's a chance some of his friends will be there", we reasoned.

We were so wrapped up in our own feeling we did not even notice the friendly smiles, the busy atmosphere, the confidence with which the kids conducted themselves or the quality of the facilities and equipment. We were just bad parents and there was nothing more to it. Our little boy was going to sit there resenting us and feeling abandoned.

But he came back saying he was having a good time. He mentioned the names of staff members he liked, telling stories of fun activities and developing a weekly routine based on what was on offer and which of his friends was there with him.

A few years passed and our situation changed. Tsoof went to high school and became very busy with his music, while Noff started school and needed a place to be until we came to pick them up. She was not in Grade 4, though, she was in Grade 1. She was also our youngest (by far), which meant we looked at her as the family's baby. How would she manage all by her little self?

So we picked her up on the first few days and gently tried to find out what horrible feelings she might be having towards us, but she cheerfully recounted play time, arts and crafts and other fun stuff.

One day, Noff asked if we could come and pick her up later. "Pick Tsoof up first and them come for me", she said, "I want to have afternoon tea with my friends and then play for a while".

Hmmm…

Turns out the kids got fruit and crackers for afternoon tea. Noff loves fruit and we are all for healthy food, so that was great.

Then, she asked if we could take her to MOSHC early when Tsoof has morning rehearsals. "I want to have breakfast with my friends", she said, "Some of my best friend are there (she named them) and they have raisin toast - my favorite!"

At that stage, we were starting to feel abandoned ourselves. 3 days a week, our kids all got up early and left home at 7:00am - Eden wanted to practice piano at work, Tsoof had rehearsals and Noff had breakfast and played at MOSHC. Even on days when they came back late, Noff just cheerfully went early and had a good time.

Now, one of the biggest time challenges for us happens during school breaks. Having the kids home for a few weeks at a time can drive even the most sane parents bonkers, because there is only so much you can do to keep them busy.

But with a full holiday program, including raisin toast for breakfast, fruit for afternoon tea, a wide range of friends, a big playground, wonderful staff and loads of activities (drawing, painting, dancing, cooking, baking, reading, role playing and ... TV), MOSHC is our savior every time. Noff goes there on most vacation days when Eden leaves for work and we can keep doing the things we need to do.

We just have to keep our guilt feelings in check. Just in case, we ask Noff about her adventures every day and she is delighted, so we relax … until the next day.

Ronit and I often talk to parents about sending young kids to childcare centers and they are afraid their children might feel deserted and might have difficulty adjusting, but our experience with all 3 of our kids has been that as from early as 15 months old, the little ones want to play with friends and have a lot more fun without us fussing about them. Evidently, this goes on until the end of primary school, after which they can take care of themselves anyway.

Brave parenting,
Gal

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• Kids Need Friends
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Hand on your heart, when you come to a concert or a play, do you care how good the teacher is? Do you care how good the production is? Or do you keep looking for the little person on stage that belongs to you?

And when you see your little person performing their best, do you care if their inflection is right? Do you care if their balance is perfect? Do you even care if they make a mistake? Or is it so cute and adorable, you could not care less, as long as your son or daughter is at the front, where you can see them?

And when they finally appear and do their bit so bravely and innocently, do you capture the other kids with your video camera and plan to post their secrets on YouTube? Do you hide an evil intention to let the world see how poorly the production was done or how badly the teacher performed? Do you wish to breech the writers' copyright and risk the school's reputation? Or do you want to capture that courage and that innocence of your youngling for your family far away and for years to come?

Noff recently performed with her dance troupe at school in front of a live audience of parents and siblings. Excitement was in the air. I could feel it. I knew this was going to be good.

Apart from me in the audience and Noff backstage, the rest of our family was not there. Tsoof was performing on another stage at the same time and Ronit and Eden stayed with him. My job was to capture Noff's dancing on video and share it with them later.

Finally, the music started playing, nice and upbeat, the dancing girls came on stage and moved into formation. There was a circle of them, but I could not see Noff anywhere. Where was she?

As the circle moved with the music, I was finally able to see her, but then they girls formed columns and Noff was third in her column. At the front were two older girls, possibly because they danced better. The problem was I was forced to change my position and even then it was hard to get a clear view of my little daughter behind the bigger girls.

Arghghghgh!!!

This week, following several weeks of hard preparations and lots of extra rehearsal time, Tsoof performed three shows of "The Wedding Singer". He played Sammy, one of the band members - not the lead role, but almost. We were so excited it hurt.

We already knew Tsoof's school may pull a stunt with video recording and photography, so we did not even bring our equipment. We figured the school would make the video available for purchase after the last show for a few bucks, as always.

The show we saw was the first of the three and we were blown away! It was SO good! And Tsoof's part in it was pretty important too. At some stage, the entire cast wore masks of his face while "Holly" sang that when you love someone, you see them everywhere. It was hilarious yet creepy to see our Tsoof on stage 20 times.

After the show, we compared notes and realized we had not seen the school's cameras anywhere. "We need to make sure they record this. It's great", we said, so Ronit rang the head of the Performing Arts department the next day and left her a message to please make sure they capture the musical on video and that we would be more than happy to buy a copy or two.

Alas, when I came to pick Tsoof up after the last show, the head of department told me the school could not allow any video of the musical due to copyrights. She said, "If they find out we've recorded it, they'll fine us $2,500 and I don't want to lose my job over it".

Net effect: great show, good acting experience, questionable educational content (the content was "a bit mature" for high school), 3 small happy crowds and absolutely NOTHING to share with our family overseas or for Tsoof to see himself!

So I say, "Parents of the world, unite! Let us make it clear to schools that all we want is to see our kids happy, to be proud of them and to capture their moments of glory for family and for later. Let us spread the message that copyrights, privacy and teacher performance are secondary. Kids who want to remain hidden should not sign up for performing arts, teachers who think it's about them should not teach and schools that pay for famous plays and stop the capture of 'Kodak moments' should be made to correct their way".

Are you with me?

Gal

You may want to read

• Raising Grownups
• TV Diet (16): Healthy Alternatives
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: School

Some people might say, "Big deal. Not every child has to do well at school. Besides, there are things kids can learn from watching TV too".

Well, humans must learn to survive. Your kids' opportunities in life depend very much on their abilities to learn and develop new skills. Read on and you will see that watching TV causes kids to do poorly at school, but this also sets them up for a much more limited life long after they finish school.

Many researchers have expressed concerns about the decline in kids' learning abilities as a direct result of watching too much TV. While health concerns include obesity, anorexia and diabetes, educators say that watching too much TV and being less active physically damages kids' coordination. Whereas in the past, playing ball games was part of every kid's daily routine, spending hours in front of the TV exercises mainly kids' eyes and possibly their fingers (by switching from one channel to the other).

During the early years and the beginning of primary school, kids develop their gross and fine motor skills. Activities like ball games, beading, cutting and pasting, coloring in, playing card games and building games (like Lego) improve hand-eye coordination and prepare the kids for writing and drawing.

During Physical Education classes, awkward kids lose popularity and self confidence due to their poor performance, which in turn hurts their academic motivation and achievements.

Two other education concerns are increased hyperactivity and reduced energy level. Being underactive while watching TV results in kids being agitated during classes, yet lacking the energy to perform due to the drop in their metabolism. Some parents say their kids are more hyperactive after watching certain shows on TV, while others say their kids are lethargic and even depressed.

Good learning requires kids to concentrate on a task for some time. Being agitated prevents the kids from focusing long enough, while having too little energy prevents them from concentrating enough to get the benefit of the task. Repeated failure only compounds this problem with the added negative emotions.

Eye strain is another health risk that directly affects kid's learning abilities. The American Optometric Association claims that sitting in front of a screen for two hours increases the risk of eye strain and focus problems.

Class work requires good vision both close up (paper) and far away (board). Without good eyesight, kids find it difficult to perform and gradually link learning with discomfort.

The National Centre for Educational Statistics has found in a study that students who watched over six hours of TV a day achieved lower academic results. One major reason for this is believed to be shorter attention span. The kids surveyed did not have enough patience. They were so used to the fast-paced TV world, in which people succeed overnight, that hard work became a bad word to them.

A research done by Dimitri Christakis of the Child Health Institute at the University of Washington has found that direct exposure to stimulus overload in the early years, while the brain is still developing, has a direct connection to the increase in attention deficit. Essentially, he claims that TV promotes ADD/ADHD.

Another contributor to the attention problem is flicking channels and not focusing on one thing for a long period of time.

When kids do spend time doing their homework, most of them have the TV on, which distracts them from focusing and produces worse results than their true potential.

Surprisingly, watching a lot of TV undermines kids' language development. A long study has shown strong correlation between watching TV and limited language skills. Kids who were exposed to adult shows displayed even more limited language skills. In the early years, this immediately translates to challenges in the first years of schooling.

Why is this?

Babies learn language by listening to their environment and initially developing their Receptive Language. Over time, they begin to respond more and more clearly, thus developing their Expressive Language. By interactive with other human beings, and even by talking to themselves, the expressive language gradually catches up to the receptive language.

However, while kids listen a lot to what is on TV, they do not talk at all, so the gap between their ability to understand and express themselves increases. With limited communication skills, their performance suffers at school and in society.

Limited literacy skills have also been recorded as a result of watching too much TV. Because kids spend their time in front of the TV screen, they have very little time left to read at sentence level of beyond. Schooling is very much based on being able to read and write, so the effect is clear.

Sleep deprivation has a direct affect on kids' learning abilities. Having TV in their room and forming an addiction to watching it prevents kids from getting enough hours of sleep and this translates to immediate challenges the morning after with concentration difficulties.

Parents' supervision helps in this matter, but many kids admitted that when their parents are not around, they do not get enough sleep. Parents are sometimes too tired themselves to fight over this.

A University of Oxford study has found that young kids who watched TV (and played computer games or used mobile phones) lost a month's worth of sleep every year. Their conclusion was that this lack of sleep has direct physical and metal effects on many school-aged children.

Research on teenagers' TV habits has found that watching TV late at night prevents kids from falling asleep, partly due to their exposure to the bright light from the TV screen in the hours before bedtime.

Sleep regulation is done in our brain by the Pineal Gland, which is sensitive to light. It takes this gland 2 hours to induce sleep after dark, which means that watching TV, particularly in a dark room, before bedtime interferes with sleeping. Kids need a 2-hour break from TV, computer and any other source of direct light before bedtime.

As you can see, excessive TV watching, regardless of content, damages many abilities kids need in order to do well at school and later on in life.

Join me next week for the next phase of the TV Diet series to read about some solutions to the problems I have described so far.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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From a calculating adult point of view, this seems like a great arrangement, especially with the bonus of government subsidies for single-income families.

From an emotional adult point of view, spending quality parenting time with the kids is a much better choice than "neglecting" them among a host of other kids in the hands of some initially-unknown professional carers who may not pay special attention to any particular child.

But is this really a good idea?

Eden and I take a walk around our neighborhood every day. On one of the streets on our route, there is a house with a balcony facing the front. Many days, there is a little girl on that balcony. She is under 2 years old and has short blond hair, fair skin and gorgeous blue eyes.

As we walk past her house, she waves her hands at us and calls out in the cutest high-pitched voice, "Hello!"

We smile at her, wave back and return the greeting, but she calls out again, "Hello!"

We keep smiling and waving, but we keep walking. The little girl follows us to the corner of the balcony, where she is stopped by metal bars, looked at us longingly and keeps calling out, "Hello!", until we disappear from sight.

Breaks our hearts every time.

Sometimes, when the person watching over her finds out she is "out on the balcony waving at people again", a hand comes out from behind a curtain and pulls the little girl in. Someone is really thinking her behavior is not a good idea and may not realize what it indicates - this kid is obviously dying for other people's company.

We also know Alice, a young woman who was recently married to a divorced man, Charlie and became a mother for his 3-year-old daughter, Nora. Charlie and Alice agreed that Alice would quit her job and take care of Nora. This was before Alice really understood what that meant.

Since their marriage, Alice has been doing her best to keep up with Nora, who is a very active and inquisitive little girl. Alice loves Nora like her own daughter and Nora is a well-developed, bright and friendly kid. However, both of them suffer from this arrangement.

You see, Alice was just starting a career and was doing quite well and enjoying herself. Most importantly, she was spending time with other people who shared her interests and building her self esteem through achievements, learning and progress.

Now that her only companion is a 3-year-old and her day involves playing on the carpet, shopping and keeping the house in order, she is missing adult company and her self esteem is eroding.

Nora, on the other hand, is at an age when it is crucial for her to socialize. Her language control and self expression are good and she is ready to broaden her range of experiences in life by interacting with other kids.

Since Alice and Charlie decided that "mommy time" and saving money were important for them, little Nora is missing out on a critical skill that could help her be more successful in life, but mainly a lot happier.

My experience shows that giving up your ambitions and your personal fulfillment to be with your kids is likely to result in resentment towards them. Although the kids never take part in the decision making, they get a frustrated mother and possibly a strained relationship between their parents as a result.

When Ronit was working in early childhood, she could easily tell at the start of each year which of the kids had been at home. Those were the kids playing by themselves, grabbing toys and books from the others and crying a lot. Over time, they learned to deal with other kids better, but it was clear they were already behind on their social skills.

Here are the main arguments for keeping your kids at home and how to overcome them:

1. "I don't want my kids to think I'm deserting them"
   Well, this is your own perception, not your kids'. In fact, kids will generally go along with anything you present to them as the way life works. Choose a good place for them and make sure you drop them off when some kids are there and pick them up at a reasonable time, when there are still plenty of kids there.
2. "He/she cries when I leave"
   One of Ronit's young students did this to her father, who had lost a child to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death). He was afraid his daughter, who was 2 years old at the time, would cry for a long time and perhaps choke too. Ronit asked him to go outside, wait 5 minutes and then come back and peek through the window. Amazingly, his little girl was playing happily. When he returned to pick her up, she cried to high heaven, but he just said to her, "OK, I know you've had a great day. Why don't you tell me about it?"
   Kids do not waste time crying unless they have something to gain from it. No parental attention - no crying. Most kids are OK the first week, cry on the second (go figure) and then settle down and have fun with the other kids.
3. "I need the extra money"
   Go work, then. This will also build your self esteem. Working gives you a lot more than money, you know. Besides, most jobs pay much better than what your child care charges, so if you want extra money, let your child play with other kids and you go play with the grownups.
4. "It's a mother's job to stay home with the kids" - Says who? Is it really your job to give up your aspirations while depriving your kids of play time?
5. "I (the father) can provide for my family by myself"
   This may be true about providing money, but have you considered other things you should provide, like good education for your kids and happiness for your wife?

So as soon as your kids can walk, check out a few child care centers (kindergartens) in your area, watch the kids interact and have fun, talk to the people who work with the kids, bring your kid along to observe the first contact and pick the place that makes you feel most comfortable. Know that by sending your little angel to a children's place, you are being a good parent, while being good to yourself.

Peaceful parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Raising Grownups
• After School Care
• Are You a Normal Parent?

When you choose any day care centre (I have to say I would not use the term "day care" because any place, which takes care of kids, needs to provide a lot more than just care. It needs to be a loving, nurturing, happy place), it is very important to make sure the centre's philosophy matches the parents' philosophy. A conflict between the two will always be reflected in the kids' behaviour. Many behaviour problems of kids in the early years and even during school years are a reflection of the conflict between their parents and the system.

You can discover the centre's philosophy by asking one simple question:

What is important for me to know before I put my child in your care?

This question is also very important for the system to ask so they can align the expectation with the parents.

I will give you an example. In one of my first programs, a mother came to visit our centre to check if it was suitable for her son. In our program, the sand pit was a very important part of the curriculum. We learned math, proportion and science, but we also did a lot to help kids play in the sand pit. The visiting mother came with us to the playground, watched the kids playing in the sand pit and said, "I hate it when my kids bring sand home". Not knowing if she said it as a joke (by the way, I hate it too when my kids bring sand home), I asked her to explain. She said she did not want her son to enter the sand pit at all. As much as I wanted more kids in my program, I knew that we would get into a conflict with this mother every day and that she would not be happy, so I suggested to her (nicely) that our program was not the right program for her.

Parents looking for a place for their kids to run around and release their energy will not be happy in a place where kids are told "no running".

A place where kids play as they like all day long is not good for parent looking for directed, structured learning, and as a centre finishing at 2:00 is not suitable for parents who work until 5:00.

Another thing that is important to remember when choosing a day care centre is kids' social skills. Kids who spend time in day care centres are much more social than kids staying 5 years with mom and dad or grandparents. Any teacher at the first year of schooling can tell which of the kids was home and which of them spent time with other kids before school.

The social factor is important for kids at any age. It is important to find the balance between a small place offering special attention and a big place with more social interaction. Make sure there are enough kids from both genders to allow your child to choose their friends.

I guess the most important thing to keep in mind when choosing a day care centre is that the years 0 to 5 are by far the most important years for any child and every second that your child is not experiencing new things, meeting new friends, doing fun things and learning (even from disappointments) is a waste of time.

In the early years, time is precious, so choose wisely.

I would love to read your stories about finding a place for your own child. Please share it in the comment box below.

You may want to read

• Optimism or "What’s the big fuss about Emotional Intelligence (Emotional Quotient)?"
• Kids Need Friends
• How to Stimulate Auditory Kids

Since the Be Happy in LIFE program and the Garden of Eden program are based on promoting Emotional Intelligence, I have been asked many times to explain the main idea behind them.

Although Emotional Intelligence (EQ – Emotional Quotient) became popular after the publication of Daniel Goleman's Book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, in 1995, it was researched and developed during the 70's and 80's. It was psychologist Howard Gardner's book Frames of Mind, Frames of Mind: The Theory of Multiple Intelligences, which began the development of EQ.

For a long time before this publication, knowledge was the centre of attention, so Gardner and later Goleman and many other emotional intelligence gurus were very brave to go against the mainstream.

My first encounter with EQ was 23 years ago, during my special education studies, long before Goleman's book went to print. Luckily, I had the most inspiring mentors and teachers that were at that stage experts in Emotional Intelligence and helped me shape my educational philosophy and my educational career.

I remember back than, most of my special education mentors warning me about relying on IQ tests, because IQ was supposed to measure a person's maximum potential and to remain constant, no matter what that person learns.

For me, this creates a limiting belief. If I think that a kid has some predetermined potential, this can limit my work with them.

Moreover, I discovered over time that IQ was not constant at all. I knew kids who took an IQ test, worked on the skills measured by the test, and then took the test again and got higher scores! Now, if IQ is a measurement of our set potential and I can change the result with my work, what is the point of this measurement?

In my first program, the kids went through an assessment to check IQ in every term. All of them (yes, all of them) increased their IQ every term. The whole program was constant work on the kids' emotional state. The cognitive and academic achievements were side effects. Wouldn't you like having smart kids without teaching them literacy and numeracy?

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Years after Gardner, Peter Salovey and John Mayer defined EQ as made up of 5 elements. These qualities sit on a scale and determine how high or low a person's emotional intelligence is.

Emotional Intelligence is increasingly relevant to Education, organizations and businesses since it has been proven to help understand and assess people's behaviour. Many businesses now send their employers to professional development courses and in our Be Happy in LIFE program we have more and more business people and executives who realise that their emotional state greatly contributes to their performance.

Emotional Intelligence measurement is very helpful in learning. It serves as an important tool in areas like learning style, communication, management style, attitude, interpersonal skills and potential.

At the beginning, EQ professionals argued that IQ (Intelligence Quotient) tests, the traditional method for measuring intelligence, failed to predict success, while EQ tests were more accurate. They also argued that "emphasising cognitive skills does not contribute to people's well-being", while "emphasising EQ increases productivity, reduces stress for individuals and organizations, decreases conflict, improves relationships and understanding and increases stability, continuity and harmony".

In my experience with gifted children, I have found that very smart children with high IQ (high cognitive skills) did not necessary possess the right emotional strength necessary for surviving school. If at all, the high IQ kids had emotional challenges that were more difficult than other kids their age, and positioned them in the "special education" sector. My work with such kids was aimed at bridging the gap between their IQ and EQ, which was higher than that of average kids.

Optimism is Better than Knowledge

One big factor of Emotional Intelligence is optimism. During the 1980s, Martin Seligman researched optimism and its effects on people's performance. One of his greatest discoveries was presented in his research of insurance sales people. Seligman convinced an insurance company to hire people who passed the optimism test but failed the standard IQ test. He compared their sales to those of sales people who were hired based on standard tests only. In the first year, Seligman's group's sales were 21% higher than the others. In the second year, their sales reached 57% more than the others! The conclusion of his research was that optimistic people handle rejection better than others and are therefore more likely to succeed.

If you take Seligman's discovery and implement it in education, you will find exactly the same results. Optimistic kids are able to tackle new learning in a better way, better than kid with high IQ.

Learning a new thing contains the risk of not achieving, at least in the first attempts. Optimism and pessimism play a major role in determining the success of each learning experience. Pessimists take every unsuccessful event as a failure and are convinced it will repeat in the next attempt. Optimists consider unsuccessful events as single events and the source of new knowledge.

Possibly the greatest optimist in history was Thomas Edison. He went through 1,500 attempts to come up with the right wire to light his bulb. He never thought that each attempt will repeat because he was not the same person after that attempt. The Thomas Edison preparing for his 1,500^th attempt knew something that the Thomas Edison preparing for his 1,499^th attempt did not know.

In one of my Garden of Eden programs (in Singapore), 3 year olds sat in groups of 4 and successfully worked together on 240-piece puzzles. Long before we could measure those kids' IQ in a formal way, we could set their mindset to believe they could. For them, nothing was a failure. Every visitor to the centre was shocked to see such tiny kids mastering an activity that some grown-ups do not have the patience to do.

Optimism can be taught at a very early age, when young kids are still easy to influence and manipulate (I know that manipulate sounds like a harsh word, but as parents and educators, we manipulate all the time, whether we are aware of it or not, and, of course, building optimism is a good thing). Unfortunately, schools and parents spend much time, money and energy for kids to learn more Math and read better but not nearly the same effort to teach emotional skills.

I am very optimistic that we can change this!

You may want to read

• Self Esteem Mini-Course (2): How School Promotes Low Self Esteem
• To Teach Is To Touch a Life Forever
• Diagnosing Learning Difficulties and Gifted Children in the Early Years

Today, I would like to tell you a little bit about how it all started for me and introduce the Be Happy in LIFE kids coaching program.

It all started 18 years ago, when I wrote the "Garden of Eden" program, which put most of the emphasis emotional intelligence. I started an early childhood centre with kids aged 1½ to 4 and proved that excellence depends on the teaching, not on the kids.

In the 2 years that followed, the kids at my centre accomplished things that blew their parents away. They put together puzzles with many pieces very quickly, they built elaborate constructions, they painted the walls, they recognised written words and lots more. Oh, yes, and they ate healthy food and boasted about it.

During my work in Texas, in Singapore and in Thailand, I implemented this program again and it worked in different cultures and difference languages for a total of 6 years.

I will write more about the "Garden of Eden" program in the future, but for now, I only want to introduce the main philosophy of the program:

1. Happy kids are successful
2. Children are gifted. All of them
3. Gifted children have difficulties too
4. When diagnosed early (1½ years old is a very good age to start), learning difficulties can be "eliminated", so that no one will ever know they existed
5. In teaching and learning, one size does not fit all. Children are individuals. Use an individual program
6. Children do not need to be compared to any benchmark, only to their own achievements from last week/month/term/year
7. Each child has strengths and weaknesses - work on both!
8. Teaching and learning are two different things. Focus on learning - it is all about the kids, not about the teacher
9. Children learn while playing. Games are the best way to teach
10. Diagnostic teaching is a wonderful improvement tool (diagnostic teaching involves a cycle of teaching, assessment, adjustment, teaching, assessment and so on). Teaching must change and evolve to produce learning
11. What parents believe and think about parenting influences their kids' success (and failure). Parents are the most important part of the program. They know their kids better than any teacher, they accompany their kids longer than any teacher and they are the real clients. Involve the parents in the program and coach them!
12. Work on the kids' emotional intelligence and learning will happen by itself

There are many more ideas in Garden of Eden program, but to stay focused I will only discuss the overall concepts (I do hope to present them all here over time. Believe me, in 6 years every day of it was an exciting day that should be documented. I will do it, I promise).

The "Garden of Eden" program taught over 200 children around the world. 18 years later, I still have contact with parents from my program and with kids that are now 19 or older. All of them, parents and children alike, believe that the program has set them up for success in life.

The program evolved over the years and became the Be Happy in LIFE kids' coaching program, still emphasising EQ. We teach children to make choices and strengthen their positive attitude to life. Many kids around the world, who have gone through our program, are living proof that labelling and looking for reasons for our failures does not bring us happiness. They are proof that children are wonderful and successful, no matter how much they are limited by their academic abilities, social life or family structure. They can take full control and responsibility for their own happiness and are able to reach their full potential.

Kids' coaching is a future-focused program. It is suitable for any child, whether they feel like a failure, are unhappy with themselves or others, or are highly advanced, but perhaps stressed or frustrated. Coaching enhances their confidence and sharpens their leadership skills, creating a solid foundation for their success and happiness.

As I have said before, I believe that all children are gifted and that our role is to activate each child's gift to enable them to reach their full potential and live a happy life. I believed it was possible, I proved to myself it was possible, and now I have a stronger belief it is possible and it is a never-ending cycle, a good cycle for me as a parent, an educator and a life coach.

Parents were the most important part of kids' learning at Garden of Eden and they are now at Be Happy in LIFE. In both programs, the parent is the client and I believe this has been one of the factors for my success.

This site is dedicated to you, the parent, and aims to introduce all the experiences, reasons, tips, ideas, philosophies, research, educational methods and all the other things I (and my team) can think of to help you set your parenting to success and help you establish a happy family. You hold the key to your kids' success. Open the door.

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Auditory kids pay the most attention to sounds. To them, voices, tones, pitches and rhythms provide a wealth of information and carry emotions that other kids simply ignore. They have superior abilities to "record" and "play back" TV shows, skits, songs and conversations. On the other hand, they are sequential thinkers and must be able to focus on one thing at a time.

Auditory kids can often be distinguished by the way they look down and talk to themselves. Their self-talk is often louder than what goes on in the outside world. On the other hand, they are distracted by sounds and disturbed by unpleasant or loud noises.

Here are some ideas that will help auditory kids learn better, be happier and love learning:

• Listening to music - find out what kind of music they like and use it to set their mood before, during (softly, in the background) or after (as a reward) learning. If the music contains words relating to the topic of learning, auditory kids will learn the topic quicker
• Playing music - teach them to count using the piano keys and help them remember colours and other lists by associating them with music
• Rhythm activities - adding a beat to anything and speaking with a beat make the content come to life. Your child may want to tap along. Let them
• Keeping a calm, cheerful voice - auditory kids often classify their teachers by the loudness and pitch of their voice and prefer the soft-spoken ones, who use varied intonation
• Role play - auditory kids can be taught anything, as long as it is associated with sound effects, a funny voice, an accent or even a lisp
• Story telling - use stories with more dialogue than descriptions and "act out" the different characters in the story. Gradually, let your child participate and read some of the characters
• Singing - compose any material into a song and it comes alive for auditory children. All you have to do is write it to the tune of a familiar song and they will love it
• Puppet show - similar to story telling and role play
• Verbal affirmations - auditory kids prefer verbal communication and their self-talk tends to spiral down. To pick up their spirits, say something encouraging to them every once in a while and see them smile
• Record and listen to themselves - show them how to use a tape recorded, an MP3 recorder or the computer for recording their own voice and then playing it back. Encourage them to do little singing or voice acting projects and then proudly play them for you
• Let them make noise and repeat things out loud - this helps them work things out, but when you like the sounds an auditory child makes, you like the child and this will help them do everything better

Happy parenting
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Stimulate Digital Kids
• How to Stimulate Kinaesthetic Kids
• How to Stimulate Visual Kids

Here are some ideas that will young digital kids learn better:

• Puzzles - making something coherent and whole from pieces is how digital kids think. Over time, puzzles develop their abilities to strategise (frame first, side to side, find all the blue pieces, etc), which will serve them well for many years
• Patterns - digital children think in patterns and look for patterns in everything around them, so matching games, "what comes next?" games or hear the beat in the music will help develop this skill
• New languages - language is made up of building blocks (words) and ways of putting them together (grammar rules). For a digital child, this speaks directly to the brain
• Riddles - having to crack a code, analyse a problem or find a solution are great fun for a digital child. "It's interesting", they will tell you. Anything to sharpen the mind
• Computer - the computer was designed by digital people to make complicated things simple, and they ARE simple for … other digital people, who can get into the mindset of the designers. Your main challenge as a parent will be to control and direct your child's computer time
• Card games - these games have rules and the person using the rules best wins. Choose card games that require less luck and more skill and thought
• Projects & challenges - digital kids love to discover new information. They can find great ways to reorganise things (reorder books or CDs for easier retrieval), they love to research new topics and organise the material for a proud presentation. When giving a digital child a challenge, make sure it involves thinking, structuring and processing
• Construction games, like Lego - this is another building-blocks-and-rules kind of game and is also a bit like a 3-dimensional puzzle, except the result depends on your child's imagination. It is important to get a large set of blocks with a wide variety of blocks but no particular designs, or your child will build it once and get bored

Happy parenting
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Stimulate Auditory Kids
• How to Stimulate Kinaesthetic Kids
• How to Stimulate Visual Kids