In the past, people thought that teens' behavior during the teenage years was directly connected to physical changes they start to experience at the age of 12, which makes them feel strange with their body changes and confuses them.

Today, the approach is that adolescence is a more gradual process that starts with the first time children want to try doing things on their own, sometime as early as the age of 3.

If teenagers seem confused to you, it is mainly because they have reached a point in their life when they need to define who they are, what they think, what they like or hate, what their beliefs are and what they wants to be later on in life. These thoughts are tough. I know many adults who have not reached that self-definition yet, so this is not easy for a 12-year-old to do, although they are expected to have some clue about it.

One of the problems parents have with their kids is that they do not really understand what is so confusing about life. It is mainly because they forgot their thoughts and feelings during that time in their own life. Some parents have erased these thoughts when they no longer had to deal with them. Some consider their own teen behavior as criticism towards their parents and avoid dealing with it. Only the brave parents keep these memories to make sure they will not repeat their parents' "mistakes".

Around the age of 10, beliefs that were part of children's identity are shattered and they need to put the pieces together to survive emotionally. Kids with high emotional intelligence can do that, but most cannot, so they have to ask for help from those who unintentionally create the problem - their parents or their teachers.

This series will give you a sneak peek into teens' confused brain and help you understand why it is so hard do be a teenager. I still remember my adolescence, I am raising my second teen, the third one is reaching puberty soon and I have worked with lots of teenagers in the last 25 years, so this list is quite reliable.

Following each belief and confusing thought, there is a section explaining the source of the belief and showing what parents can do to help their teenagers change that thought or belief and go through a healthy maturing process.

Schools is not for me

"I have realized that I go to school because my parents want me to go there to prepare me for life. But it is not preparing me for life. Who needs to know the square root of a number by heart? Who needs to find an angle in a triangle? School is a prison and my parents just send me to prison ever day. I can't trust them to make decisions that are good for me."

What parents can do

It is very important throughout your kids' school life not to repeat this mantra to children and to be honest about the reasons they go to school. Kids go to school because parents cannot teach them by themselves or do not want to do it.

Some of what happens at school is great, some is boring and some is not about preparing kids for life. When talking to your child about it, admit that you understand some of it is just a waste of time and help your kids focus on the good that can still come out of going to school.

All my kids have always gone to school for the breaks, for the fun days and for the extracurricular activities (band, dance, sport, etc). Still, they are all very good students. When they complained about school, we said, "You're right, this is a waste of time", "Yeah, I used to hate it too" or "I agree, you will probably never need that after school".

Allow your teens to hate parts of their schooling and they will not blame you for sending them to prison. Help them see the good parts of school too. Positive focus and honesty are two of the best ways to prepare them for life.

Don't tell me what to do

"My parents humiliate me and make me do things I hate doing. How would they feel if I told them to go to bed early or clean the house? I'm not their slave. What if someone grounded them for a week every time they didn't do the right thing? They don't love me. I hate them."

What parents can do

A teenager thinking like this is being controlled by his parents. There is usually a good reason for them to think like that, so check your parenting style. Are you parenting from fear of losing control or are you parenting with confidence?

Teenagers who feel controlled by their parents do not understand that parents and children are not equal and that parenting comes with responsibility. Usually, this is a sign that the home is parent-centered and that is not comfortable for the child. Although no home should be completely child-centered, there is a place in between where parents set a good example for helping and they expect things from their kids that they also expect from themselves.

If you are angry with your child for not clearing the table after a meal while you are in another room watching TV, the child will resent you and question your leadership. Be a role model and remember that the need for control is seen by teenagers as a sign of weakness (which is an accurate observation).

I hate my brother/sister

"My big sister is my greatest enemy. She has way more rights than me. She shouts, she take things away from me, she hits me and because she is stronger, she cheats, but Mom and Dad do nothing about it. They love her more than they love me. I hate her and I hate them."

What parents can do

A home cannot be a jungle where kids need to survive. It needs to be a place of comfort and not a place of fear. When there are conflicts between siblings, parents are not kings and queens that rule the house. They are those who make justice.

Sibling rivalry is a sign that the family rules are not clear, which leaves room for power struggles.

Preferring one child over another because of age ("He's young, give him what he wants" or "He's the eldest, so he has rights"), because of ability ("Shhh, we want to hear her sing"), because of disability ("He can't do it, just help him") or because of gender ("He's a boy, so he can go out and nothing will happen to him, but you're a girl, so going to a party is much more dangerous for you") is a form of discrimination. It sends the message that the rules are not stable - they can change.

This is scary situation, because not everyone understands what is right and what is wrong and where the boundaries are. Only the parents can solve it, so make sure the rules are fair and clear!

Will she like me too?

"Suddenly, when I stand next to a girl, I feel different. I blush and my heart starts beating fast. I think I sweat too much around girls. I think I like her, but I can't say anything to anyone. What if she doesn't like me in return? My friends will make fun of me. I'm afraid to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I'm also afraid someone else might ask her and she'll say 'yes'. It'll be devastating if it happens."

What parents can do

Teaching kids about the natural physical and emotional changes can help greatly in situations like this. Treating this period in life as a normal and healthy period can make life much easier for teenagers.

Ask your daughter when she wants to go together to get her first bra before she asks for it. Tell her about what to expect when she gets her period before she comes to you in panic after hearing the other girls talk. Teach your son how to shave. Celebrate hair in new places and changes in the voice.

If you feel uncomfortable talking about these things, get someone else you trust to do it. It is better if they hear it from you or from someone you trust than from other kids who have lots of fear and misunderstanding about these changes. Remember, when you avoid talking about puberty and sexual development, you make your teens think there is something wrong or dirty about it.

Talk to your teenagers about your first love to help them understand it is natural. Talk to them about disappointment and love you did not get in return to help them understand that the adults in their life have experienced these things and survived.

The topic of peer pressure is something that needs to be addressed from a very early stage of your child's schooling. What others think about you is theirs and it is not healthy to let them pressure you to do or not do things. It is important for kids to gain confidence and trust themselves and their own judgment and every time they are subject to peer pressure, they shrink their own judgment and become weaker.

Parents don't know everything

"I think dad is not as smart as he says he is. Last week, when I talked to him about something, he talked as if he knew everything, but I knew he didn't, because we'd learned about it at school. Maybe there are many things he doesn't know and he only talks about them in this "I'm smart and I know everything" tone. How can I trust him?"

What parents can do

Some parents talk in a way that seems very confident to their kids, as if they know everything. Parents like to be in this position and when it changes, they feel a bit helpless and try to maintain their know-it-all image for fear that kids' knowing more than them creates a risky relationship.

It is very natural for kids growing up in this generation to get to a stage when they know more than their parents do. All my kids have had musical training and I have had none. There is no point pretending I know as much as they do after 8-10 years of learning and practicing. My kids grew up in an English-speaking environment and English is a native language to them. Sometimes, when I look for a word, I ask them. It is better to admit they know more when they do. It does not reduce or weaken me in any way. It only helps them consider me as human and trust me, which makes their teen years easier.

To prevent your teens from feeling they cannot trust you, be honest even when they are younger. If they ask you something you do not know, say simply, "I don't know". If there is anything they can do better then you, ask for their help. It is better for them to realize there are things you do not know from as early as possible. It saves them this very common shock later and strengthens your bond with them.

Join me next week for another sneak peek into teens' mindset and ways for you to understand and help them change their thoughts in a positive way.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

During coaching, I usually share some of my personal experience with my clients, so it was very natural for me to share one of my horror stories from school. Unfortunately, I have had too many. When I tell them, I re-live them in my mind and have clear memories of them. I remember the names, the places, the settings and the feelings I have had. I shared these stories because I wanted my clients to consider that in spite the horrors of our childhood, we can all make it. In spite of our parents not protecting us, we can make it. In spite of our teachers not teaching us with the right context in mind, we can be very successful. And happy.

All of them just looked at me quietly for a while. One of them started crying (and it was not the 13-year-old). Another one said, "Ronit, you are making this up". The third one said, "It's impossible! You look like you've been successful all your life". Then, all of them left their sessions believing they can make it too.

Gal said I should write it down so more people will be inspired, more parents will be involved in their kids' schooling and more teachers will teach within their students' context, so here I am sharing with you my first horror story from school.

When you read this, please keep in mind that I am a teacher myself. I have a Bachelor of Education, I am a journalist, an author, a Justice of Peace, a motivational speaker and a state director for a big educational organization, yet I admit that my school was like a long and scary horror movie.

I grew up in a poor family. My parents had 5 kids, they left home early in the morning to go to work and on most weeks, my dad also had an second job in the evenings. At the beginning of each school year, my dad would buy us 5-7 notebooks - the simplest ones, with no decorations, just a plain brown cover. He also bought us 2 pencils each, one eraser and one sharpener, because it was very expensive to send all 5 of us to school. We knew that these must last us for the whole year and we would not get any more.

My 4^th Grade teachers' name was Hanna. I have had hundreds of teachers during my life and she was by far the worst, so I still clearly remember her last name, how she spoke, how she looked and even her hairstyle.

She hated my guts.

We had a diary for writing our homework and at the bottom of it was a place for the teachers' comments. Back then, teachers never thought of writing good things and only wrote complaints that we needed our parents to sign as a proof they were aware of the "horrible" things we did at school. My dad was very, very angry when he had to sign one of our teachers' comments and I was very scared of him.

What do you know, my diary was full of her comments. She wrote, "Ronit did not bring a pencil today", "Ronit did not have an eraser", "Ronit's pencils were not sharpened" or "Ronit talked in class today". My dad got very angry every time I asked him to sign one of her comments in my diary. I knew he would not buy me a new eraser or a new sharpener, so on top of him being angry with me for getting into trouble, he was angry with me for forcing him to buy me another pencil or whatever I had lost.

Some days, I could not ask him to sign, because he was not home. My mom could not read or write well enough (she went back to finish primary school at the age of 50) so she never signed the teachers' comments. On those days, I was afraid to go to school, because the teacher would write another comment, saying, "Ronit had a comment yesterday and didn't show it to her parents".

My diary was so full of these comments she used the space intended for writing homework. My diary was full of her writing. I hated writing my homework in it, because there was not a page that did not have any comments and my dad's signature.

One day, sometime around the middle of the year, she came to my desk and looked at me while I was writing in my notebook. It was just an ordinary notebook without any covers and it was pretty messy. When I did not have an erase, I would ask someone to lend me theirs. Unfortunately, this is how she discovered I did not have it and would write yet another comment for my dad to sign, so I stopped asking. The solution I found was to lick my finger and try to rub the writing off page. Sometimes, by mistake, I rubbed it too hard and it made a hole in the page.

That day, she stood there and then she started screaming. Everyone stopped and watched her holding my notebook, screaming and flipping the pages in a rage. "This is not a notebook", she yelled, "This is not how a notebook should look like. This is disgusting", and she tore my notebook to pieces and threw it into the bin.

I freaked out. I knew this would go very badly with my dad and he would "kill me" for it. On other years, when we reached the end of the notebook, we would staple or tape additional sheets of paper to the back of the notebook to make it last longer. Without thinking much, crying and hardly able see to what I was doing from so many tears, I went to her desk, where she had the big class diary with the class role, and I tore it to pieces.

You can imagine I was at the principal office in no time. I sat there and cried. My dad was at work, so they called his workplace and asked him to come to the school to pick me up. I thought he would be so upset with me for missing work that I imagined the worst. I heard the principal telling my dad I must apologize to the teacher, but my dad came and he heard what had happened and got mad at the teacher instead.

For 6 months, she had tortured me with her comments and he had told me off. Now, he was upset that she had torn my notebook, because he had worked so hard for it. So he said to the principal that I would apologize only after the teacher apologized for damaging my personal property.

The teacher tried to get her revenge for this humiliation, so she kept writing comments, but from that moment on, my dad refused to sign them. He was so upset with her that he used to say to me, "I'm not signing. Take this back to your teacher and tell her your dad said she's a <insert graphic label here>".

Do you know what I did?

I did not say anything, but my life changed from being afraid to come back home to also being afraid to go back to school. Instead of telling the teacher what my dad had said, I said, "He wasn't home" or "I didn't show it to him", which only made her write another note.

Some days, in order to break that cycle, I would beg my older sister, who was in 9^th Grade, to forge my dad's signature. I had to be her slave for days for her to do it for me (I thought that was fair and I appreciated her for it). I was still afraid and my heart would beat fast whenever I showed the signature to the teacher, in case she recognize it was fake. After all, she had seen so many of the real ones, she might be able to tell.

When she gave up on comments in my diary and realized my dad was not signing, she made me stand in the class with my face to the wall for hours, and then, she started sending letters home by post.

This would not be a problem for most kids, because they could just find the letters before their dad got home and get rid of them, by my dad was the postman. He brought the mail with him just before he went out to his second job.

Each letter only got home 2-3 days after she had written it, which gave me some relief for a couple of days, but it forced my dad to sign. The letters upset him even more, because everyone at the post office knew he had gotten a letter from school and that shamed him and our family. I used to be scared out of my mind to face him when he brought one of these letters with him.

Only later on, I learned that my dad and my teacher were fighting with each other over my back. They were using me to abuse each other and making my school life horrible. She probably thought that with her comments, she could make him spend more time with us, pay more attention to us or buy us more equipment, while he just wanted the teachers off his back to allow him to survive working 16 hours every day and to provide enough food for 7 people.

Unfortunately, neither of them considered the impact it had on me.

Some horror schooling experiences are caused by parents, some by teachers, some by friends and some by circumstances. Everyone needs to take responsibility for their part.

Parents, remember

If you have a conflict with your child's teacher, do not be a coward. Never use your child to fight a teacher.

Never say, "Tell the teacher 'My dad said you're stupid'", even if you are only expressing your frustration. Your kids might take you seriously tell the teacher just that. If you are so brave, let's see you saying it to the teacher's face.

There is a big chance the teacher is teaching out of context. He or she may not be aware of what happens in your life. Yes, it is their duty to find out, but it is your responsibility as a parent to let them know and ask for their help.

Always protect your kids or things will get out of control. If you find that there is a conflict between your child and a teacher, try to resolve it. If does not work, get your child moved to another class (or school, if you have to).

Always make sure your kids have extra equipment - erasers, pencils, sharpeners and notebooks. School is not easy and they do not have to worry about asking friends for missing items. This makes the teacher think they are talking and whenever they ask for favors, they need to return them. If there is a need, check every evening that they have everything they need for the following day. Kids lose their items. It happens to all of them, so just live with it and help them be more organized as they grow up.

Teachers, remember

Always consider the child's life context. Your class is not the only part of the world that exists in their life. If they have a problem, ask yourself what could cause it and how you can help. Take a human interest in your students.

When you send messages home, make sure they are positive. Anything can be stated in a soft and supportive manner if you put your mind to it.

Forget the idea that if you put pressure on the parents, they will make sure the kids learn better. Most of the time, it is the opposite. Fear is part of many kids' life and creating more fear just makes the problem worse.

If you think parents are a pain (some may seem to be), keep your thoughts to yourself. Never use the kids to overcome your anger with their parents. It is not their fault - kids do not choose who to be born to.

If a child is dropped off late in the morning, never punish the child. This is something the parents do. Do not encourage children to lie about why they are late. They would rather say they woke up late than tell you their mom is in total panic in the mornings and screams for everyone to get ready for over an hour.

Remember, kids are not poor against you, they are not afraid against you, they are not hungry against you and they are not late against you. If they could do it all differently, they probably would, if only to stop having a frightening schooling experience.

Parents and teachers, you can make a difference, a huge difference! Happy schooling is our goal, because kids who love to learn can do anything.

Happy schooling,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• Thanks to the Teachers
• Stage Fright and Public Speaking

Now, I believe I know some of the reasons. Better yet, perhaps these reasons can lead us all towards a solution.

Almost invariably, you turn on the news or read the papers and find out about somebody who was caught scheming, embezzling or downright cheating. These people seem to have no regard for other people's wellbeing, possessions or money. Sometimes, people are killed over what seems like a minor conflict, because the killer values something else - their wallet, their leather jacket or their girlfriend - over their life.

In response to Ronit's posts on bullying, many readers have shared stories of workplace bullies who abuse their position, physical size or some weakness of their co-workers in ways that hurt them and ruins morale and productivity. Do these people follow a different value system to the rest of us? Given the rise of bullying, probably not.

While reading Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire with the kids (Eden and Noff have set a goal to read all of the books in the series together and I sometimes join them), I came across this lovely quote:

If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors
- J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire

If you work, or have ever worked, in a big corporation or even in a large factory, you may have felt like a house elf sometimes - looked down on, continually given orders, criticized by people who seem to be doing less than you do and looking or feeling ragged despite your abilities to work magic, which nobody seems to notice.

But as a parent, I hope you realize this applies to you at home, too, only in the opposite direction. Kids are our inferiors in many ways and to know what we are like, one just needs to see how we treat them. I see children as magical creatures (they are also small, ragged and have big eyes), and all too often, I witness their parents belittling them, giving them orders and criticizing them in public.

So what is going on in the world? Has everybody gone mad? Is there nobody who still does the right things?

In his great book, Predictably Irrational, Dan Ariely presents a conflict between two modes of living: the "social norm" and the "market norm".

In the social norm, we follow rules like "love your neighbor", "respect your elders", "be honest" and other such codes of conduct. When a friend wants our help to move house, we arrive early in the morning with enthusiasm and a cup of coffee. When we are invited to a party, we always remember to bring a gift, a plate to share or a nice bottle of wine for the host.

In the market norm, everything we do has a value and in order for us to do it, we must receive compensation of equal value. If we have a moving van, we charge by the hour, plus distance, and we charge extra for insurance. If we have an events or catering company, we organize the food and our client pays the bill, while participants do not need to help or contribute in any way.

The problem is that these norms cannot co-exist and once the market norm is used, social norms are out the window, almost never to be seen again.

I grew up in a small town, where the living was simple for most folks. As a young child, I knew I was safe, because many people knew my parents and looked out for my sisters and me. At the supermarket, I would just hand over all my money and Tanya, the checkout lady, would give me the right change. I was too young to check, but I knew she would be honest with me, as did my mother.

Life operated mostly within social norms.

These days, however, life seems to operate mostly by market norms, even, I am sad to say, within the family.

When Eden was about to graduate from high school, she told us that some of her friends were very worried. She said their parents planned to start charging them rent for living at home, for using the family car and even for their share of the groceries. Those who had older siblings knew it was coming and feared the change.

From a practical perspective, what is the big deal? High school students are at school most of the time, so their parents pay their bills, but when they become adults, should they not "carry their weight", like their parents do?

Sure, but the concern was not a practical one, it was emotional. From an emotional perspective, these young adults were being forced to switch from living at home as part of a social group - their family - where they contributed as much as they could and benefited as much as was possible, to trading with their own family according to the market value of the assets and services they used.

One minute, the family is one unit, based on caring and sharing, and the next minute, the young person is on their own, haggling over the cost of petrol and bread and the value of a square meter of living space.

Going back to the workplace, most of the businesses in my hometown were small, were privately owned by a family and employed locals, often based on personal acquaintance. In that setting, everyone in the business worked together to keep the business running, to serve clients who were also connected to them in other ways, and to contribute to the economy of the town. People often joined a company for life, making it part of their identity and representing it proudly wherever they went.

Nowadays, companies are not loyal to their employees or their clients and often serve only the mysterious "share holders". Employees are hired and fired over petty cash, while their unique personal abilities are never explored. Purchases are often decided "on the figures" alone, without a long-term view or relationships in mind.

Life has changed from mostly-social to mostly-market.

By intensifying testing, measuring and comparing, school systems (in a social norm, they would be called "education systems") have made this problem worse and have started inducting children into the market lifestyle from a very young age. As if this is not enough, consider all those computer games, in which the aim is to collect as many points as possible and win, no matter what you have to do, including killing other humans, even if they are animated.

So what can we do about it? How can we make this world a more social place, if not for us, then for our children?

Fundamentally, we need to decide to prefer social values over market values. Then, we need to systematically apply our choice to everything in our life (within reason):

• Run your family as a social unit, where everyone contributes according to their abilities and availability and receives a fair share of the family resources. Pocket money can be used in small amounts to encourage "emotional stretches" (see Motivating Kids), but everybody should pool their efforts for the benefit of the family
• Instead of focusing on your kids' academic performance, encourage them to be happy, to have friends and to be driven by their heart in everything they do
• Kids being little mirrors of you, of course, use your own heart to make decisions, so they will have a role model. Choose to buy and participate in things that are good for the community and that make you feel good about yourself. Volunteer, pick a charity to support, be a Scouts leader, organize social gatherings and parties and participate in local community bodies
• Choose a moral code to live by. This can be a religion, a formal spiritual alternative or a personal set of rules, but it must be something you can use to guide your everyday decisions and make them easy. Deciding not to cheat or hurt another person when you are young and affirming these decisions regularly make your choice a no-brainer when the opportunity presents itself
• Social behavior is based on the assumption that everybody has a shared interest and that people are essentially good. Spend some time every day being curious about people without judging them. Find out more about them and count the good things they do for you or for others. This focus will make it a lot easier for you to do your bit in return
• Move to an area where there is a strong community, even if the houses are not the nicest. Send your children to a school with strong ethics, an emphasis on education and an active parent body, even if it does not produce Rhodes scholars every year
• Never ever pay your kids for academic performance. The rewards for learning are knowledge and an open mind. Never let your child compete for the best fundraiser. The rewards for raising funds are a better-equipped school and a good feeling
• [State elections are coming up here in Queensland, so] Vote for the political candidates who put people before personal gains and show themselves as true public representatives in action and not just in words. In fact, if you feel strongly enough about a candidate, help him or her get elected
• To paraphrase John F. Kennedy's famous words, "Ask not what the world can do for you - ask what you can do for the world". Join Avaaz, support Together for Humanity or The Global Learning Centre (Ronit works with both), loan money to third world small business on Kiva or promote any other cause that makes the world a better place. Whatever you do, also make your kids part of it, so that social behavior naturally becomes part of who they are

Together, let's make the world a place for everyone, where friendship and integrity count more than money.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person
• How to Manage Difficult People: What They Really Need

Kids are not born with reading skills, but they still need them to build their knowledge and understanding. We develop these skills in them by reading for fun or by reading to get information.

Although I believe that reading for fun is very important and can help increase your vocabulary and understanding, I think it is limited, because kids cannot check on their own if they understood the stories or not. Many books have layers of understanding and the young reader cannot tell which layer he or she is reading at and what they might be missing.

School is pretty much the only place where we can check kids' understanding and help them develop their reading skills and teachers are qualified to tell which level of reading and which reading skill is expected at each age, but as a parent, there are things you can teach your kids at home that will help them greatly with their reading development.

1. Title - Guessing ahead is a good skill in reading. Teachers ask kids to guess what the story is about by reading the title only. This is an easy game that you can play with kids of all ages. Give them a title and ask them to guess what the story, the article or the book is about. They do not have to be 100% correct to develop this skill. They only need to have a good association with the title in their mind. When they can read more, give them paragraphs and ask them to come up with a title. The primary question the title needs to answer is, "What is this about?"
2. Content page or headings - Reading a content page or going over the headings can help us greatly to understand the structure of the book or article, to "get into the author's head" and to discover the flow of the book, article or essay. You can ask children to guess what each chapter or section is about from its heading. One sentence is enough to get the picture. If kids read lots of content pages and lots of headings, it can help them with their writing skills too, because they can understand how to structure an essay on any topic. First, we find the title, then we make a skeleton of the things we want to say and only at the end, we write it all down. Often, the content page and the headings are enough to help kids remember a book or an article when they need to.
3. Pictures - Photos and drawings are a very good way to communicate ideas. Even before kids can read, you can use pictures to help them "read". I remember 2-year-olds in my childcare center reading books to me using only the photos, so every child can do that. Ask your kids to guess what the book is about from the pictures. When they grow up, they will also use the photos and artwork on the cover of the book to pick books from the library.
4. First and last paragraph - In every article, section or chapter, the first and last paragraphs are the most important parts for the reader. The author is supposed to write in the opening paragraph what the article will be about and in the closing paragraph what the article was about. Crossing those two paragraphs can give a very good indication for what children are supposed to remember when they read. Later on, it can provide a quick way to review and recall the information.
5. Taking notes - Turning your reading into something short that you can remember is very important. Do not wait until the end to memorize. Instead, at the end of every chapter, write down in one sentence what you have read. Do it in your own words and keep your notes in a handy place. If you can write inside a workbook, that would be the best place. If not, write on a piece of paper and insert between the pages like a bookmark. Teach your kids to do the same.
6. Highlight - I have always loved books and taken good care of my books. However, whenever I bought the book and it was mine, I wrote my notes inside it and highlighted the most important parts of the book. Highlighting makes sure you pay attention to only the important things in the book or article. It is also extremely helpful in remembering what you have read for an exam and for finding great quotes to references in your own writing. Show your kids how you do it and teach them to do it too.

Your kids' teachers will probably dedicate lots of time to teaching these skills, but they need to teach 25 to 30 kids and every year, there will be another teacher doing it, with a different style and a different approach. You are there all the time for your kids, so when you help them do their homework, you can easily teach them these tricks to help them become effective readers.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Fun Incentive
• Effective Reading for Kids (2)
• Effective Reading for Kids (1)

Computer games are not a dirty word if they support the development of the player. When a child plays a puzzle on the table, their cognitive skills are stretched as much as when they play a puzzle on the computer.

I remember preparing hundreds of pages that ask the kids to circle the "odd one out". Now, they can play many computer games that are way more colorful and varied that reuse the same "cards" for the children to choose from. I was limited by the number of stamps and my drawing ability and used lots of paper to allow each child to have enough pages to experience and learn. Now, any simple computer game can give the kids endless opportunities to find the odd one out, with great graphics, sounds and animation.

Some computer games are very effective at teaching kids cognitive skills. If you choose games that are not violent, no one needs to die and the player develops some skills or learns some strategy (not pure luck) then there is a good chance they will be effective as a teaching tool.

A research done on elders in East Carolina University's Psychophysiology Lab reported a sizable improvement in cognitive abilities among older adults who played casual games, like Bejeweled.

"The initial results of the study are very intriguing, in that they suggest that the 'active participation' required while playing a casual video game like Bejeweled provides an opportunity for mental exercise that more passive activities, like watching television, do not", said researcher Carmen Russoniello, "Future applications could include prescriptive applications using casual video games to potentially stave off Alzheimer’s disease and other dementia-type disorders".

The difference between what we used to do in the past and what happens now is that I knew the kids' level at any stage, because I needed to facilitate their learning, and now they move quickly and parents and teachers do not have to sit with kids while they are playing to monitor progress or time spent in front of the computer.

If you monitor the time your kids spend on the computer and make sure there is a good balance between machine interaction and human interaction and if you use the computer as a helper, not a substitute for your presence, you could realize the benefits of using computer games to sharpen your kids' minds and ... have fun yourself!

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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At first, I thought Australians were just sick more often than others in the world, but after a short time, I came to the conclusion they were taking a day off when they were tired, sneezed too much, had some errands to run or just needed a day off.

As a parent, that freaked me out. I could take myself one or two years into the future and imagine my own children substitute "Mom, I want some time off" with "Mom, I'm sick". I believe that if you say you are sick enough times, you will convince your body that you are and then you will actually feel sick. Gal and I put a lot of effort and thinking into raising healthy kids and the thought of them being "sick" every time they needed to rest made me feel sick ;P

I fully understand that people need some a break from time to time and the regular days off on weekends and public holidays are good, but they do not always come at the right time or provide enough relief. It makes sense to me that kids do not plan to need time off exactly on those days, so it is just natural that they want time off on a school day.

The problem with "being sick" is that you cannot really enjoy the day and rejuvenate, which defeats the purpose of taking a day off. Taking these needs into consideration, I came up with a solution that has been working for me for over 12 years.

No more sick kids

I told the kids that if they are healthy the whole term (each term is about 10 weeks long), they can pick a day in each term to have a break and on that day, we can do some fun things together. There are some rules to this contract:

1. You cannot pick an exam day
2. You must let me know ahead, so I can plan it and be home with you
3. You cannot pick the same day as your sibling (this allow me to spend individual time with each one of my kids, although on special circumstances, we have had lots of fun with the whole family)

Advantages of picking a day off over being sick

There are many advantages to picking your day off when you are healthy over saying, "Mom, I'm sick" and pretending to be sick.

• The greatest advantage is that kids do not associate having time off with being sick, so they are sick less often.
• I have seen so many people that say, "I can't out so that no one will see me, because I'm supposed to be sick in bed". Not much fun being stuck at home. On a planned day off, you can do whatever you like.
• You do not have to lie to the teachers, so this is a good reward for being honest. I always send a letter to the teacher beforehand and say, "Noff is going to be away on that day". I never lie about this. Remember, teachers and schools are giving you a service and being afraid to be honest is not good for your relationship with your service provider. The teachers will appreciate that more. They know that some parents write "sick" letters even when their kids are not sick (because they do it themselves).
• You can arrange for one of your or your partner to take a day off instead of having to ask family members, neighbors and friends to take care of your sick child.
• You can pick better days for time off so that your child does not miss things that are important to them at school.

I have had this agreement with my kids for 12 years. Tsoof hardly ever used those days, because he was busy and did not want to miss out. In the last two weeks of term, I would ask him, "Which day would you like to take off?" and he would say, "Monday ... no, I don’t want to miss Show Choir ... Tuesday ... no, I don't want o miss Wind Ensemble ... Wednesday ... no, I don't want o miss Drama ... Thursday ... no, I don’t want to miss Percussion Ensemble ... Friday ... no, I don't want to miss Big Band. That's OK, I won't take a day off this term". This was true almost every term for the last 6 days of his schooling.

This week, Noff asked to take her day off. Our new kitchen was arriving and she wanted to be home to watch it being assembled. I was so happy she just asked to stay home instead of having to pretend she was sick. We had to go to school early to bring back something she had left there, so she went to school without her uniform, walked into her classroom and told everyone she was staying home to watch the instillation of the new kitchen. I was very proud she felt comfortable to tell the truth, not to mention that she had been healthy the whole term.

Please try this at home! It works like magic (you can even reward yourself with a day off after being healthy for 3 months solid).

Happy, healthy parenting,
Ronit

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In Australia, there is now something called NAPLAN - National Assessment Program for Literacy and Numeracy, officially described like this: "Every year, all students in Years 3, 5, 7 and 9 are assessed on the same days using national tests in Reading, Writing, Language Conventions (Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation) and Numeracy".

This means that absolutely NOTHING else matters to most of the teachers and parents of students in Years 3, 5, 7 and 9. After having quite a bit of fun in Prep and Years 1 and 2, the poor kids in Year 3 are taught things by the book, tested every week, deprived of play time, music, art, sport and extracurricular activities and subjected to constant pressure to perform. State Education ministers go nuts from it, so Department of Education executives go nuts from it, so principals go nuts from it, so teachers go nuts from it, so students go nuts from it.

The same thing happens all over again 2, 4 and 6 years later.

And that is really bad.

Because learning should be fun and because all that stress actually blocks learning.

Think back to your time at school for a moment, particularly to 3^rd Grade. Could you study well when you were tired? Could you concentrate in class when you were hungry or when you had to go to the toilet? Was it easy for you to work with numbers after witnessing your parents having a big fight the night before? How well did you do on exams when your dog died or your best friend moved away?

Not too well, right?

School systems are just like conventional medicine - they focus on the symptoms, ignore the personal context and completely miss the underlying issues. They do it because the symptoms, literacy and numeracy in this case, are easy to test and measure. It stands to conventional reason that by teaching more reading, students' reading will improve and by administering more math homework, students will get more practice and get better with numbers.

Ronit and I see just how wrong this approach is with every child that comes to our assessment service. One after the other, parents bring children aged 5 to 14, asking for help with their performance at school. One after the other, these children reveal gaps in their learning due to emotional traumas and communication style incompatibility with their past or present teachers. Ronit advises all of their parents to handle their emotional wellbeing first and one after the other, they pick up speed in their studies as soon as they are able to smile and feel free.

We have seen close correlations between gaps in reading, writing and math skills due to the illness and death of a father. Would you care how much 2 + 5 was if your father was dying?

We have seen gaps in academic performance due to frequent changes of teachers. Young children look up to their teachers and idolize them. That is why they trust their teaching and follow their instructions. Would you be able to trust your 6^th Grade 1 teacher after being "deserted" by the previous 5?

We have seen children whose mother or father had a mental disorder, which forced them to help extensively at home and gave other students at their school plenty of bullying material. Would you be able to motivate yourself even to go to school if this were your situation?

When a child is overwhelmed by strong emotions, pressure to perform only makes things worse. The child feels ignored, abused, rejected and belittled. They lose trust in teachers, parents and sometimes even in "grownups" in general. So they hide their challenges, which makes them even harder to detect, and they go on missing more and more spelling, grammar, arithmetic, shapes, money, graphs and all those other things that show up later as low test scores.

Emotionacy

What kids really need to learn is not literacy or numeracy, it is "emotionacy". They need to learn how to recognize and manage their emotions. They need to be encouraged to express themselves, to explore and to learn what and how they like. They need to be valued as people-in-the-making (my kids have an awesome music teacher who refers to her students as "short people") and to be developed based on their own choices.

Reading something interesting is far more beneficial than reading standard text. Sure, it is not as easy to monitor and regulate, but kids who follow their heart LOVE to read. They read without any external pressure, they learn far more from what they read and they read so much that their level of literacy is actually better over those who are forced to read standard boring stuff.

Give any child a cool science project where they need to measure quantities, calculate fractions, draw a graph and analyze numerical data and they will jump for joy at each discovery and conclusion. They will remember the experiment forever, keep the results in their room for months, show it to everyone and proudly EXPLAIN the math to anyone who will listen. In the context of something exciting, kids have all the skills for math.

Pay attention to how a child learns - by writing and drawing, by listening and talking or by doing - and adapt your teaching to it and all of a sudden, a "slow" child seems "bright". Suddenly, they like coming to class or doing their homework, they love the teacher (or you, their parent) and their scores improve dramatically.

Find out how a child feels, no matter how long it takes and how difficult it is for them to describe (particularly at a young age), help them feel better and you will get a bundle of joy that finds little in class challenging. Use stories, symbolic play with dolls, drawings or any other non-verbal method and you will discover the blocks to natural learning. Give affirmations, touch, quality time, little presents and helpful services and you will see moping turning into energy and a long face becoming a smile.

When you need to teach a child something, present it as a game. Learning happens much better when it is fun and then, the child wants to learn even more, because it is fun. Kids would play games all the time if they could, so just let them. Use their endless energy and fill their games with useful learning and they will be unstoppable.

Academic performance is natural for children when they can "afford it" mentally. When they are too busy surviving emotionally, they can learn nothing, but no matter what their top potential is, they will get a lot closer to it when they are happy.

So check your child's emotionacy and help them get better at it. Write your local representative and speak out at parent-teacher meetings and parent-body gatherings. What your kids need is emotional intelligence and the rest will follow.

Happy parenting,
Gal

P.S. A good starting point is to work on your own happiness, because happy parents raise happy kids.

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Noff's school has a special unit for children with various disabilities. These kids spend much of their time in "normal" classrooms and go to the special unit for additional support, specific exercise and maybe a little bit to get out of classroom competition.

At the same time, the school includes these special students in every extracurricular activity - choirs, school plays, instrumentals bands and even dance troupes. We are amazed and moved to tears watching the little brave souls get up on stage with walking frames or in electric wheelchairs during concerts and performances and pour their heart out, their faces beaming with joy.

Some time ago, I picked Noff up from school and she said that one of the special education teachers had approached her and a few other girls for a secret mission. She said, "She wanted us to help one of the girls without telling anyone about it. She said the girl needed someone to help her get from the special unit to class and back and someone else to protect her in the playground from bullies".

"Wow", I said, "Are you proud she picked you?"

"Yeah!" she beamed at me, "And straight away, I asked her if it was Kelly [not her real name] and she looked surprised, but I know it's hard for her to walk all the way to the special unit and back with all her stuff and I know some kids are picking on her".

So Noff was assigned to help Kelly with her bag and "stuff", a couple of girls took turns helping her in class and a couple of big girls became her playground guards, protecting her from anyone trying to put her down and reporting any incident to the teacher.

"But we're all her friends, so we all agreed, of course", Noff said cheerfully, "And we all said we would play with her too, because she's fun".

During the next couple of days, Noff and the rest of the crew did their jobs faithfully and found great games they could play with Kelly. They developed group jokes and secret signals and felt very responsible and helpful.

One day, I saw her putting on her swimming gear in the morning, although I knew her swimming lesson was only two hours later. When I asked her about it, she said, "I don't have time to get dressed. I need to go to the pool earlier and help Kelly, so she can be ready by the time everyone else gets there".

But the next day, Noff looked sad.

"What happened?" I asked.

"My two best friends aren't in the group that's helping Kelly and they're upset with me for going off and not playing with them. I want to tell them what's going on, but I can't. I promised to keep it a secret".

"Aren't they also Kelly's friends?" I asked, "I thought you all played together anyway".

"We used to, but since they weren't invited by the Special Ed teacher, whenever I leave the class to go an help Kelly, they ask me where I'm going and I can't tell them. I don't like it. They're my friends too and they're angry with me now".

"Maybe the teacher will let you tell them", I suggested, "They probably know she needs help like you did".

So the next day, it was all sorted. Noff talked to the teacher, her best friends joined the happy playgroup and since one of them is also quite big, that helps to make them bully-proof. They all see it as a labor of love, they share their time based on their commitments and they manage to make it fun for everyone, so that Kelly feels as much like everyone else as possible.

Last week, Ronit was away and the big kids were on vacation, so Noff and I got to have breakfast just the two of us. One day, she brought up the topic of keeping a secret from her friends again.

"I don't want to lie to my friends", she said, "It felt really bad keeping a secret from them, especially when I knew they could be part of the team".

"I'm glad you feel that way", I said, "The truth is really important to me and I always think that having to hide your thoughts from others complicates things. Actually, the truth may be hard to tell, but it is often the best approach to the situation".

"So how can I keep something from my friends without having to lie to them?"

"Well, you can tell them something more general that's true, but doesn't contain the information you're supposed to keep secret. For example, if they ask you where you're going, you can say, 'I'm going to help a teacher'. It's true, but you haven't revealed too much".

"What if they keep asking questions, like, 'What teacher?'"

"Then you can repeat the same information in another way and use the tone of giving an obvious answer, like, 'Some teacher needed some help and asked me to help her. I'll be back soon'. This may be enough for them to think that the details are not important and/or that they can't get any more out of you".

"I don't know if I can do this. It still feels like I'm not telling them and they'll still be mad", Noff said.

"In that case, you can tell them the truth. Say, 'I can't tell you about it, because I promised to keep it a secret. Sorry'. You haven't revealed anything, you've only told the truth and your friends may realize you were being trustworthy, which is good".

Noff made a face.

"Well, you can make it sound funny. You can put on a mysterious expression, speak in a mysterious tone and say, 'It's ... a ... secret?'"

"Dad, these are all great suggestions, but I still don't like hiding stuff from my friends", she said.

"In that case, all I can say is that you're a very good friend and that you've handled the situation brilliantly from start to finish. Now, Kelly has lots of girls to play with, your best friends are on the team and the teacher knows what a great helper you are. It's the best anyone could expect".

"Thanks, Dad", she seemed relieved, "Let's go to school".

Happy parenting,
Gal

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Matt was a troublemaker. He disturbed the class, made lots of noises and fought with the other kids in class. It was unbearable. His teacher tried different methods to stop this behavior, but nothing helped, so he invited Matt's presents for a talk.

Matt's parents came to see the teacher and he told them about his failed attempts to calm him down and keep the order in class.

"I've tried everything I could and exhausted my options", said the teacher and asked Matt's parents about his behavior at home.

Matt's dad said, "We've tried everything ourselves. We punish him, we bribe him, but nothing helps".

"Have you tried diagnosing him?" asked the teacher.

"I don't believe in diagnosing. It won't help. It's not practical," said Matt's mom.

"Well, how about giving him Ritalin?" suggested the teacher, "It will calm him down".

"Where do we get Ritalin?" Matt's dad asked.

"Oh, don't worry, I'll arrange this for you. Matt will take one tablet every day before he comes to school and everything will be OK", said the teacher.

"Well, that won't work", said Matt's mom, "Our mornings are very hectic. My husband leaves home early and I rush the kids to school. Who's going to make sure he takes his tablet?"

"OK, then I can help you with this", said the teacher, "I will give him the tablet myself when he gets to school".

"No way!" said Matt's dad, "I don't want all the other kids to see him taking Ritalin. Having a bad reputation can be worse than causing trouble. I don't want my child to suffer from a bad reputation".

The teacher thought about it and said, "I have an Idea. Every day during the first break, I will ask him to go to the staff room and make me a cup of coffee. I will leave his Ritalin in my pigeonhole, he will take one tablet and no one will know about it".

The parents were hesitant a bit, but decided to give it a go.

The plan was brilliant. The teacher left the Ritalin in his pigeonhole in the staff room, explained to Matt what to do and every day during the first break, he asked Matt to go to the staff room and make him a cup of coffee. Matt brought the coffee and everything went smoothly. The environment in class calmed right down. Matt was relaxed, he was no longer nervous, did not get involved in any fights or cause any trouble to his teachers.

Three weeks later, Matt's mom asked him about what was happening in class.

"How's school, Matty?"

"Excellent!" said Matt.

"Is the teacher happy with your behavior?" she asked.

"Oh, yes. Everything's great now. Everyone in the class is happy," said Matt.

"Wow", said Matt's mom, "How come everything got so much better in such a short time?"

"Oh, it's very simple", Matt explained, "Every day, my teacher tells me to get him a cup of coffee. I go to the staff room, make him some coffee, take a tablet from his pigeonhole and put in his coffee. He drinks it and everyone in class is much more relaxed!"

If you are reading this and saying, "Ha, ha, it worked on the teacher", that was no my point. I believe it would have worked even if Matt had thrown the Ritalin into the rubbish bin every day.

You see, perception is a powerful thing. What we believe to be true is sometimes stronger than what happens to us in real life. If we interpret a child's behavior as "troublemaking", we will see troublemaking in every move he or she makes. This is why medical researchers always consider the "placebo effect" to find out if the person reacts to the medication or the thought of being medicated.

When diagnosing kids with learning difficulties, the real problem is often "teaching difficulties". Diagnosing ADD, ADHD, ODD can be a result of "teaching and/or parenting difficulties". We try some strategies and say we have done everything we could.

But we have not!

I had inspiring Special Education teachers that gave me the best belief every teacher and parent needs.

If you have tried some things and the child is still struggling, it only means you have not found a solution ... yet!

How to work with troublemakers

Instead of searching for labels or using a magic pill, search for a solution. Here are some things to keep you focused and to keep you going.

1. Try every approach for at least 3 weeks. It takes 21 days to make a habit and preferably 21 days in a row.
2. If something has worked for someone else and not for you, be happy! You are closer to the solution, because now you know something you did not know before trying it. You know what does not work.
3. Be open minded about potential solutions. If you do not understand something, that does not mean it is out of the question. I was very skeptical about finding a solution for my kids' dairy allergy when I went to see a kinesiologist. I still do not understand how he did it. One visit and $75 later (mostly paid by my health insurance) our life was changed forever.
4. Be creative! If you have tried conventional ways and they have not seemed to work, try something different.
5. Consider the placebo effect. Give your kids Vitamin C in a special container without a label and tell them it is a magic pill and that every child who takes it feels relaxed, calm and able to manage difficulties better within 3 weeks. Tell the teachers to assess the child's behavior during those three weeks. From my experience, the teacher will tell you the child is much calmer. If you want to boost your credibility with your child and with the teacher, tell them an expert has given you this special prescription, along with a story about how expensive the tablets are, how many kids use them and what wonderful results they all get.

If you think you have tried everything, think again. This is an overused phrase and it is never ever true.

If all else fails, before you lose hope, take some Ritalin yourself.

Happy times,
Ronit

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In the past three weeks, he has had many awards night, celebrations, final concerts and farewell parties. During those events, Tsoof received many awards for excellence, for leadership, for showmanship, for his contribution to his school, his friends and his community and we felt honored and blessed for his talents, his kindness and his love for what he does.

You seen this in the movies: the parent of the star performing on stage is sits in the crowd, looks around and tells everyone that sits next to them in excitement, "This is my son" Well, this is how we felt at every event. Tsoof is so talented and so famous we introduce ourselves as "Tsoof's mom/dad/sister" and we were very proud.

At the end-of-year Performing Arts evening, as the winner of the prestigious title "Performing Artist of the Year", Tsoof opened the night and said, "Good evening. My name is Tsoof. I am a school captain, Vocal Harmony and Wind Symphony captain, a member of the Senior Percussion Ensemble (Mac-cussion), Show Choir and Big Band. Thank you for coming this evening".

Gal, Eden, Noff and I sat the whole night proud as peacocks for being associated with him.

That was his last performance with all his ensembles, where he said goodbye to those who had contributed greatly to growing his talents, enthusiasm and passion for music - his music teachers. Three of them had been his musical mentors and had taught him for eight years, through both primary and high school.

David Adelt had been his percussion teacher and mentor since 5^th Grade. Lee Norell had been his band conductor since 5^th Grade and his composition and voice tutor in 12^th Grade. Jody Lutherburrow had been his band conductor since 5^th Grade. Tamara Luski had been his Vocal Harmony and Show Choir conductor and his classroom music teacher for the past 3 years. Sandy Armstrong had been his Performing Arts Coordinator and Music Extension teacher for the past 4 years. From every stage he performed on, he looked at these 5 teachers and thanked them for supporting and developing his talents.

As you know, teaching is not a very prestigious profession. The financial rewards are not that impressive, but the emotional rewards are enormous. When your students are successful, it is a record of your teaching ability.

When we sent our kids to school, I knew that some of the teachers they would meet on their journey would influence their life. I never dreamed it would be such profound impact, carved on every musical piece he writes, every tune he plays and every song he sings.

It is very rare that you have the same teacher for 8 years, let alone 3 of them. If they are great teachers, you can easily explain the excellence.

It was the end-of-year concert and I watched Tsoof performing in most of the numbers of that night. I looked at his teachers and realized they were sitting there, much like us, with teary eyes, proud as peacocks. Every one of them thanked the parents for supporting their kids in their musical pursuits and I whispered, "Thank you!"

Dear David, Lee, Jody, Tamara and Sandy,

I thank you for teaching my son about commitment and that getting up early in the morning, when it is still dark outside, is worth the effort.

I thank you for telling my son over and over again that he needs to play and sing for himself and not to please his parents, as that has developed his self-motivation.

I thank you for being role models for my son. Thank you for being generous with your time and modeling how putting your hand up to help others can make you a better person. Thank you for showing him that giving is the best way to receive.

I thank you for teaching my son that real winners are not those who get the best part or win the competitions but those who have the courage to stretch their boundaries, to try, practice, learn and compete with others, even if they don't have a chance to get the first prize.

I thank you for inspiring my son to embrace every opportunity and make the most of it.

I thank you for being so professional and having high expectations of my son, because I believe that his professionalism and excellence is a result of this constant stretch for excellence.

I thank you for not giving him "discounts" and lowering your expectations just because he had a busy schedule and other things to do. Thanks to this, he has proven to himself he can excel in academics too, despite his being so busy with music.

I thank you for teaching my son to be humble and setting an example of accepting others and their abilities without making fun of them or judging them.

Thank you for teaching my son teamwork, because the success of the ensembles in every piece played or sung was the result of everyone's ability to put the success of the team above their own.

Thank you for allowing him to wear his hat, grow his hair long, keep his uniqueness and show others around him that respect is something that comes from within and the urge for self-expression can be channeled in good ways.

Today, at the graduation ceremony of the Class of 2011, I wanted to say to you that as his teachers, my son spent more time with you than he did at home. I am a proud mother and I couldn't have done it without you.

Thank you so much!

To honor these teachers, Tsoof put together a band of friends to play an original song written by Andrew Butler, Jamee Seeto and Tsoof. They rehearsed for hours and at the final concert, they asked the teachers to sit in the front row and played their song for them. Unfortunately, there were some technical glitches, so when we got home, I asked Tsoof to record a simpler version of it. It is called "Goodbye" (temporary name) and describes the students' feelings about leaving their teachers.

Enjoy,
Ronit

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