Carly Fleischmann

If you have ever seen an autistic child throw a tantrum, rock back and forth for a long time or remain transfixed, no matter what others say to them, you may have had a glimpse of the desperate feeling of disconnect. It is as if autism prevents the chance of any form of normal communication even between the autistic person and the people who love them the most - their parents.

In this video is the amazing story of Carly Fleischmann, whose parents found out she was autistic and were told she was also so mentally disabled she would only reach the level of a 6-year-old. Carly's parents decided to beat the odds and the world is now reaping the rewards.

After you watch the video, click Carly's picture and visit her blog, where there are updates, media appearances and ways to communicate with her online.

Apologies for posting this a little late in the day, but I am currently on jury duty. I will tell you all about that when that ends.

Happy parenting,
Gal

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I have been heavily involved in diversity education for years, helping teachers, parents and students learn to accept the differences among people rather than being afraid of those who are different from them. I write programs, run activities and deliver presentations to help them recognize that even behind a person who seems very different there is a human being just like them.

Last month, I saw with my own eyes how this lesson could be taught without lesson plans, without intention, just by letting circumstances unfold and allowing kids to observe.

It was Sunday and our Diversity Tent at the Queensland Multicultural Festival was full of children doing arts and crafts. My daughter Eden (22) came to help me set up early in the morning. When the volunteer who promised to come and help did not show up, my 10-year-old daughter Noff also spent the day with us, helping kids her age and younger draw and paint. We wrote the kids' names in different languages and they were all very happy and excited to see their names written differently.

About half way through the day, a 12-year-old boy came and sat at one of the tables. A gorgeous little girl, who was about 4 years old, wandered over to him and climbed onto one of the seats. The little girl was teeny tiny and did not have any hair. She had a tube taped to her nose with a band-aid. She wrote her name, Joelle, on one of the bookmarks. She was beautiful and it was obvious she was sick and had come straight from hospital for a day of fun at the festival. Everyone looked at her with sadness, feeling a bit uncomfortable. Her brother, who sat next to her, looked up from his coloring and said, "I'm Ashton and this is my sister. She has cancer".

Bam!

Kids are amazing.

Everyone at the stall, both parents and kids, had been looking at her, not sure how to react to her sitting next to their kids with a tube up her nose and no hair and her brother just said it simply, with no reservations and no fluff. We all thanked him silently for doing this.

At some point, another girl, who looked a little younger than the brother, came and joined in with the coloring. A woman called out their names and took some photos.

The little sick girl, Joelle, decided to do our "Friends holding hands" activity. We gave her a cutout of 5 people holding hands to color in. She only colored in 4.

Eden asked her if she did not want to color in the last one and she said, "No. This one is for my other mommy, but my other mommy was sick in her brain and she died".

Our hearts dropped.

"Do you have a new mom?" I asked, wondering if maybe the woman who had taken photos of the kids was the "new mommy", but she said, "No".

At some stage, her brother ran off to find their Dad and then came back to announce that they were going to get ice cream and that Joelle should hurry up and finish. She told him she did not want to go, because she wanted to finish her drawing. When the boy ran off again, Joelle told Eden she wanted ice cream, but she wanted to finish her drawing first. Eden, who was helping at their table, said to her, "We can look after your drawing. You can go have some ice cream and we'll keep it for you until you get back".

She smiled back happily and said, "That would be good. I really want to finish my drawing, but I also want to have ice cream".

When they came back with their ice cream, her dad, who was a good-looking man, sat down next to them as they continued drawing and stroked Joelle's head.

"You have gorgeous kids", Eden said to him.

"Yes, they are. This one's just missing some hair", he smiled.

Eden asked him, "Is she getting better?"

"She's almost there. She needs one more surgery and then 3 months of chemotherapy and she'll be fine", her dad said.

They were an amazing family. The kids were running around from one activity to another and the father looked like he was carrying a bit of burden. Other kids in the tent watched them carefully. Behind the bald head and nose tube, there was a little girl, just like them.

She finished her drawing and I asked her if she wanted to take it with her or paste it on our life-sized wood figures. She decided to paste it on the wood figures. Her dad helped her find an empty spot and she put her work there with a smile on her face, 4 of the 5 figures colored in and a blank one for her mom.

She smiled, said, "Thank You", and skipped away with her dad.

I whispered "Thank you!" towards the little girl for inspiring all the children and parents at the tent and for giving them a real lesson in acceptance.

Kids rock,
Ronit

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Noff's school has a special unit for children with various disabilities. These kids spend much of their time in "normal" classrooms and go to the special unit for additional support, specific exercise and maybe a little bit to get out of classroom competition.

At the same time, the school includes these special students in every extracurricular activity - choirs, school plays, instrumentals bands and even dance troupes. We are amazed and moved to tears watching the little brave souls get up on stage with walking frames or in electric wheelchairs during concerts and performances and pour their heart out, their faces beaming with joy.

Some time ago, I picked Noff up from school and she said that one of the special education teachers had approached her and a few other girls for a secret mission. She said, "She wanted us to help one of the girls without telling anyone about it. She said the girl needed someone to help her get from the special unit to class and back and someone else to protect her in the playground from bullies".

"Wow", I said, "Are you proud she picked you?"

"Yeah!" she beamed at me, "And straight away, I asked her if it was Kelly [not her real name] and she looked surprised, but I know it's hard for her to walk all the way to the special unit and back with all her stuff and I know some kids are picking on her".

So Noff was assigned to help Kelly with her bag and "stuff", a couple of girls took turns helping her in class and a couple of big girls became her playground guards, protecting her from anyone trying to put her down and reporting any incident to the teacher.

"But we're all her friends, so we all agreed, of course", Noff said cheerfully, "And we all said we would play with her too, because she's fun".

During the next couple of days, Noff and the rest of the crew did their jobs faithfully and found great games they could play with Kelly. They developed group jokes and secret signals and felt very responsible and helpful.

One day, I saw her putting on her swimming gear in the morning, although I knew her swimming lesson was only two hours later. When I asked her about it, she said, "I don't have time to get dressed. I need to go to the pool earlier and help Kelly, so she can be ready by the time everyone else gets there".

But the next day, Noff looked sad.

"What happened?" I asked.

"My two best friends aren't in the group that's helping Kelly and they're upset with me for going off and not playing with them. I want to tell them what's going on, but I can't. I promised to keep it a secret".

"Aren't they also Kelly's friends?" I asked, "I thought you all played together anyway".

"We used to, but since they weren't invited by the Special Ed teacher, whenever I leave the class to go an help Kelly, they ask me where I'm going and I can't tell them. I don't like it. They're my friends too and they're angry with me now".

"Maybe the teacher will let you tell them", I suggested, "They probably know she needs help like you did".

So the next day, it was all sorted. Noff talked to the teacher, her best friends joined the happy playgroup and since one of them is also quite big, that helps to make them bully-proof. They all see it as a labor of love, they share their time based on their commitments and they manage to make it fun for everyone, so that Kelly feels as much like everyone else as possible.

Last week, Ronit was away and the big kids were on vacation, so Noff and I got to have breakfast just the two of us. One day, she brought up the topic of keeping a secret from her friends again.

"I don't want to lie to my friends", she said, "It felt really bad keeping a secret from them, especially when I knew they could be part of the team".

"I'm glad you feel that way", I said, "The truth is really important to me and I always think that having to hide your thoughts from others complicates things. Actually, the truth may be hard to tell, but it is often the best approach to the situation".

"So how can I keep something from my friends without having to lie to them?"

"Well, you can tell them something more general that's true, but doesn't contain the information you're supposed to keep secret. For example, if they ask you where you're going, you can say, 'I'm going to help a teacher'. It's true, but you haven't revealed too much".

"What if they keep asking questions, like, 'What teacher?'"

"Then you can repeat the same information in another way and use the tone of giving an obvious answer, like, 'Some teacher needed some help and asked me to help her. I'll be back soon'. This may be enough for them to think that the details are not important and/or that they can't get any more out of you".

"I don't know if I can do this. It still feels like I'm not telling them and they'll still be mad", Noff said.

"In that case, you can tell them the truth. Say, 'I can't tell you about it, because I promised to keep it a secret. Sorry'. You haven't revealed anything, you've only told the truth and your friends may realize you were being trustworthy, which is good".

Noff made a face.

"Well, you can make it sound funny. You can put on a mysterious expression, speak in a mysterious tone and say, 'It's ... a ... secret?'"

"Dad, these are all great suggestions, but I still don't like hiding stuff from my friends", she said.

"In that case, all I can say is that you're a very good friend and that you've handled the situation brilliantly from start to finish. Now, Kelly has lots of girls to play with, your best friends are on the team and the teacher knows what a great helper you are. It's the best anyone could expect".

"Thanks, Dad", she seemed relieved, "Let's go to school".

Happy parenting,
Gal

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When this happens, I tell them there is something good about being unhappy. They always look at me surprised, thinking I have fallen on my head, but gradually, they understand that being unhappy and going to see a life coach is a wonderful sign that your body is talking to you and you are listening and actually doing something about it.

Congratulations, you are unhappy!

If you are unhappy with something in your life, congratulations! You are aware of your best navigating compass - your feelings.

Some people think happiness is an airy-fairy thing that cannot be explained and understood, not to mention controlled. Many people say they want to control their feelings in fear that their feelings might take over and control them.

But feelings do not have a mind of their own. They are a compass that lets us know where we should or should not go, we just have to look at it from time to time and see the direction it is pointing to. It is very simple. If it says, "I am not happy", change directions. If it says, "I am happy", keep going the same way.

I think this realization has helped me lots in life. When some of my friends, who know I am a happiness coach, ask me, "Well, Ronit, What is your formula for happiness?" I answer, "Tune into your body and let your feelings guide you".

"The Zone"

Think of your body (your "gut feelings") as a thermometer that tells you the level of your happiness. Unlike our body temperature, which needs to be in the same range for everyone to be healthy, the optimal happiness "temperature" differs from person to person. This is the temperature that makes us feel good - not overly excited, but not miserable either. This is called" The Zone".

Most people do not live in the zone. There are six reasons for not living in our zone.

We do not know where our zone is

It is because we do not think there is such a thing, so we do not look for it. I see many clients that do not think it is possible for them to be happy. Some think they will never experience it or that they never have.

I think this is the biggest problem for those who think they do not deserve happiness. They have developed a belief that happiness is a reward, something you must earn through hard work and good behavior. Sounds familiar?

We avoid searching for our zone because we are afraid to feel pain

We prefer not to feel pain, but think what would happen to you without the feeling of pain if you put your hands in a fire or spend a long time in the snow.

I think people do this only because they are so far from their zone and hurt so much they think of not feeling anything as a cure, when in fact, their feeling of too cold or too hot is a way for their body to protect them from greater harm. Unhappy feelings are the same - they protect us from greater harm. They function as guards to prevent us from going towards complete self-destruction.

We pay too much attention to what makes others happy

We think that other's optimal temperature is THE desired temperature. Many people say they cannot breathe in Thailand, yet I felt like that was my zone. At 90-95% humidity and high temperatures, I was at my best.

Do you really think this was THE happy temperature? No! It was just MY zone. I know some people who find it a great zone too, while others find it unbearable. Looking at other people's zone is a good way to get ideas about possible zones, but people have different values and needs and every person needs to examine these options and find his/her own.

We are so far away from the zone we cannot see it

Some people do not live in the zone because they are so far from it they lose sight of it. Think about it like a diet. Your optimal weight/temperature/happiness weight is 60kg. Then, something happens and you are tired, work too much, have pressure at work and you are just a little bit unhappy when you stand on the scales and see 62kg.

You tell yourself it is impossible to be happy at all times, it is just a little bit of extra weight/temperature/unhappiness, you have heard it is important to accept yourself as you are, life is full of compromises, you cannot be a super parent and a model and a cleaner and a business woman and an athlete and a great lover at the same time, and there are only 24 hours in one day. Gradually, you get to 75kg (which seems sudden, but is not), your temperature is so high you are burning and you are are so far from your zone you do not remember you were once happy.

Do you know how many clients tell me, "I don't think I ever loved my partner", as a way for them to recover after their partner has packed their things and left? When I ask, "How long had you been unhappy?" they say one year, two years and sometimes more. Their optimal relationship zone was around 60, but by the time their partner left, it had gradually reached 200. Who can survive at 200 for a long time?

Getting used to being "just a little bit unhappy" is one of the worst things in our life. People confuse compromise with flexibility. A little bit of unhappiness is not the end of the world, but it is a sign we are not going in the right direction. We should not panic, but we should certainly do something about it.

We expect others to make us happy

Another reason I can see with many client is they can recognize their unhappiness, they know that it is not a good sign, but instead of thinking, "My body is telling me I need to change direction", they say, "My body is telling me that someone else (sometimes even everyone else) around me needs to change direction". They complain, they criticize and judge others for their actions and behavior, believing that if others change to their temperature, they will be happy.

They are like the guy in the joke who calls his wife on the phone and she tells him, "They're saying on the radio there's a lunatic where you are driving in the wrong direction", and he tells her, "One lunatic? They're all lunatics here driving in the wrong direction. I seem to be the only decent driver out here".

This attitude only feeds the unhappiness and anchors it. Assuming that the people around you need to live at your temperature guarantees everyone will be unhappy. People who do not take responsibly for their happiness feel very frustrated most of the time and when you tell them to take control over their own happiness, they say that they do it by telling others about their "little unhappiness".

Your body is talking to you, not to anyone else!

We focus on temporary happiness substitutes

As a result of throwing the responsibility on others, some people give up on real happiness and search instead for artificial ways to be happy, or should I say, they focus on getting rid of their unhappiness in an artificial way. They search for the answers outside of them, instead of inside. So they drink alcohol, take drugs, smoke, overeat, go to the doctor and ask for antidepressants, seek alternative healers to give them magic potions, but they do not understand that no doctor and no pill can help them find their zone, because there is no such thing as "one size fits all".

They may feel better for a short time, sometimes even a very short time, but things will get worse straight after. Happiness is a choice and no one else can choose it for you.

How to find your happiness zone

Every person needs to find their own zone and focus on living in it. Some people become missionaries after finding their zone. They try telling everyone else how to live, but again, they assume there is one right temperature or definition of happiness. It is good to understand that examining each area of our life will help us fine-tune our own definition.

Here is a list of questions that will help you find your zone. Ask them often. You have all the answers. Notice the questions are not about what you imagine your zone is but what you have experienced in the past.

What makes me happy? Make a list of what makes you happy, do the 100 list. This is a good way to find your zone.

In what circumstances have I felt at my best? It was easy for me to find out the optimal temperature.

What makes me unhappy? Focus on your feeling and pay attention to being irresponsible. If you are not happy because of someone else, this is the reason you are not happy - you are throwing the responsibility on them.

In which areas of my life do I compromise with being "just a little bit unhappy"? Remember, this is a "silent killer". No one reaches extra weight/temperature suddenly. It happens a little bit every time we compromise on wanting to be happy. Find areas where you are "a little bit unhappy" and think of what you can do to change them. If you feel resentment towards your solution, it is still out of the zone. Resentment is not a happy feeling. Solutions that work may be difficult, but they will make you feel hopeful and inspired.

Although I do not believe we can be happy all the time, I do believe we need to aim to be there. And we cannot change everything in our life either. Some things we are not happy about and we cannot change. We need to accept them instead. Acceptance is not the same as compromise. In acceptance, there is contentment. In compromise, there is still resentment.

Happiness is not a reward for good behavior or success. It is reward for paying attention and taking responsibility. Our body is talking. We need to choose to listen and act.

May the force be with you!
Ronit

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We were honored to have met him and be inspired by his determination and courage to cheat death and live to see his daughter's wedding, the birth of his nephews and his two grandchildren and to spend time with them against all odds.

We met Jaap about 7 years ago through his daughter. Jaap was 61. He came from Holland to visit his daughter's family in Australia. He and his gorgeous 37-year-old third wife, Ali, who was the same age as his daughter, were a fascinating couple. We talked for hours, gathering pieces of his life story and being inspired.

10 years earlier, the doctors discovered cancer that had spread throughout his body. They removed some of his organs, he went through chemotherapy and when the doctors could do nothing more, they told him to sort out his things and say his last goodbyes to his loved ones.

But Jaap decided to die in Bali. He called his two children and asked them to join him for the last weeks of his life. The two kids flew to be with their father, had a great time and nobody died.

So Jaap went back to Holland, went to the doctor and asked for some medication for a ski trip in Austria. The doctor told him that with his weak immune system, going skiing was suicide, but he went with his two children and his son-in-law anyway. They had a great time and Jaap stayed alive.

Jaap considered this misdiagnosis an opportunity. He changed his lifestyle, changed his eating habits, and surrounded himself with positive affirmations, good thoughts, friendly people and nature. Jaap found the formula to defeat death.

Jaap was an educator, a philosopher, an advertiser and a very creative person. We talked for hours about writing, education, philosophy and personal development. Jaap lived his philosophy. He travelled with his wife around the world and from time to time, when he came to be with his daughter and grandchildren in Australia, we had a chance to see him and spend time with him and with Ali.

Our love of writing was a big common ground and when I launched my first book, Be Special Be Yourself for Teenagers, Jaap and Ali, were very instrumental with their advertising experience in creating my launch. They designed a set of bookmarks, photos and cards for the audience and took people's photos during the launch, printed them on the spot and pasted the on a special board with the participants' comments.

During the 7 years we knew Jaap and Ali, they had to go back to Holland several times. Several times, Jaap got seriously sick in Holland, to the point where his daughter was asked ... to come and say her last goodbyes. Every time when the doctors said it was the last time, Jaap said, "Sorry, it is not my time yet. I still have much to do", and against all odds and with the amazing courage and dedication of Ali, who was a nurse by profession, he showed again the power of mind over matter.

Three years ago, we celebrated Jaap's 65^th birthday at his daughter's home in Australia. We had a wonderful dinner and again found it very hard to stop our conversation. I told him about my second book that was just coming out and promised to send it to him when it was published.

He flew back to Holland and got sick again. His daughter and his grandchild flew to Holland to say their last goodbyes, but Jaap recovered yet again. The doctors were confused and could not agree on the diagnosis or the treatment. He became very upset and weak. 7 times, he had defeated death and we were all sure he would do it again.

Two years ago, I sent him my book, In the Outback with Jasmine Banks. It was, in some strange way, his life's story. Much like the character in the story, his real life had started 16 years earlier, when he found out he was going to die. He loved the book and sent us a donation to promote the book, which I used to give a group of elderly women after a talk I gave on "Happiness in the Golden Age" and the power of the mind over matter.

In his funeral, a woman translated parts of the book to read to the audience. It was strange to hear the story in Dutch and only recognize the names of the characters. His friend played his favorite piano piece and his brother, sister-in-law, nephews, nieces and friends shared stories about his life. From time to time, his favorite music and songs were played. Throughout the ceremony, we could see the picture of the wrapped swinging man. It was so much like Jaap, playing with death while he was alive and playing with death at his funeral.

He was wrapped exactly like the photo, with some of his feet and ankles bare. His brother and son made a bed of recycled timber, tree bark and tree branches, because he loved trees, and his favorite flowers for him to rest on during the ceremony.

It was way past midnight and as the event approached the end, we suddenly heard Jaap's voice. Our hearts missed a beat. In a very frail voice, we heard Jaap saying his final goodbye. It had been recorded two years before, when he was convinced he was going to die, but made yet another amazing recovery and inspired everyone longer. His daughter, his grandchild and his son-in-law collapsed from hearing his voice.

Gal and I only recognized some of the names. Through the sobs and the tears, his daughter translated his words of sorrow, forgiveness and love. And he finished with "and I've always hated the cakes they give at funerals, so you don't have to have cake". The swinging wrapped man on the screen changed to slides from his life and ended with the word "PUNT", which means "Full Stop" in Dutch.

Everyone left. Only close people gathered around him and carried him to the crematorium. His daughter whispered, "Goodbye, Dad", and burst into tears again. The guy who took the video and broadcast the funeral to many of Jaap's friends around the world slowly dimmed the screen, but we could still hear some voices behind a black screen.

Words cannot describe the feeling of grief and sadness. What a loss of an inspiring man. I whispered, "Thank you, Jaap", and consoled myself I was lucky to have had the chance to tell him when he was alive he had proved to me that happiness was a choice, although I would never get the chance to tell him that thanks to him, I know now that even death can be a choice. He has taught me that no matter what happens, we need to keep swinging.

Thank you for the wisdom, Jaap! I will remember to keep swinging!

May you rest in peace!
Ronit

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World Teachers' Day was this week (5^th of October) and I had been approached by a pre-service student at the University of Queensland for an who wanted to interview me for an assignment she had about being a teacher. At the end of the interview, she said to me, "I think they should use you as a motivator to make people choose teaching as a profession. You make it sound like it's the best profession in the world". I told her I had heard that many times before, because I am a teacher by choice and not a teacher by necessity.

Teaching, as you probably know, is not the best-paid job in the world. In some places, it is even in the lowest income range, which I find shocking. At the beginning of my career, I thought I valued education only because I needed to justify my choice of becoming a teacher, but every year that passes, I see that this justification is the only one there is, as there are so many disadvantages to being a teacher.

Maybe it was no coincidence I received this story by email on the day I had the interview.

A school principal addressed his students during a graduation ceremony.

He said, "Doctors want their children to become doctors, engineers want their children to become engineers, businessmen want their children to become CEOs, but a teachers also want their children to become one of them. Nobody wants to become a teacher by choice. Very sad, but that's the truth".

Then, he told them this story.

This email came at the right time for me. I walked around the whole day with my head held high. I hope it comes to you at the right time too!

For the love of teaching,
Ronit

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In a newsletter I wrote in February 2008, called "Angels of Love and Demons of Fear", I wrote a story about the key holder. I am bringing it here again for you to see how I perceive the relationship between the two.

Fear is like the Devil that casts a shadow on our life. I know many people who are in constant fear. If you ask them what they are afraid of, they are unable to explain. For some, it is just a pressure they cannot identify. For others, it is more specific, but not enough.

Unfortunately, you cannot fight anything you cannot define. If we want to get rid of our fear, we must know what it is first.

As you know, I like the technique of making a list to recognize and change something we do not like. Making a list of 100 fears can help you identify the blockages in your life. If you are unhappy with your achievements in some area and you dig deeply enough, you will find there is some fear associated with achieving more. If there is a destructive pattern in your behavior and you look at it closely, you will see it is rooted in some fear.

I tell my clients that this list is a big part of our action plan. If we want to achieve something, we must clear the way to it of all the things that are blocking us from making progress and fear is always at the source of those blockages.

As you may know from making other lists (see Make a List), writing down is a way for you to recognize what happens in your mind instead of letting it consume you. This is a private list, just for you, so be honest and do not be afraid to face your thoughts and feelings. That is the idea of this list, after all.

How to list your fears and overcome them

Write everything that comes into your mind quickly and without judgment. Whether it is a statement, a phrase or just a word, writes it down. The faster you write, the more fears will come out of your subconscious. Let your associations run free.

Skip old fears. We have all had fears that are no longer there and there is really no point in bringing them back to life. Focus on what is stopping you today.

When you are angry and agitated, your list will be different from when you are in a good mood. When we are upset, we are much more fearful (this is why we are upset). In that sense, it may be better to write down your fear list when you are upset. I am not sure everyone is able to do this, but if you can, you will probably find even more distressing thoughts than you normally would.

Do not be afraid of repetition. If things seem to be similar to what you have already written, write them down anyway. This will help you find out what keeps your mind occupied the most. At the end, you can combine them into one big item with their collective importance.

Go over your life areas and find fears in each of them. What are your fears regarding your health? Others' health? Money, relationships, career, friends, purpose and emotions (what feelings are you afraid to feel?).When searching for fears, remember that anxiety, stress and confusion are versions of fear. Ask yourself, "What worries me?", "What makes me stressed?" and "What makes me feel confused?" At the root of each of the answers, there is some fear.

Rate your fears. Fears come in different strengths. Some of them are small and others are so big they are overwhelming. It is important to think of how much you are afraid of a particular issue. If you are just a little bit afraid of something, give it a 1. If you are really, really afraid, give it a 10. Rating is a very good technique in personal development that allows you to find the best areas to improve. You may find you have many fears rated 2-3, but the ones that stop you from being happy are in the 8-10 range. Focus on them first!

When you have completed your list, split your fears into life areas. This will help you discover which area is of most concern for you. Several of my clients wrote many financial fears. As we discussed them, they found common sources for some of those fears. As we worked through the solutions, we discovered that some of them relieved several fears at once and made progress a lot faster. By grouping your fears into their life areas, your journey to happiness may be shorter too.

Next to each fear, to write why you think you are afraid. More than spotting the fear, it is important to know what created it. Sometimes, something painful happened in the past and you are afraid of feeling this pain again. Other times, your fear may have no connection to the past. For example, some people are afraid of losing their money not because they have lost money but because they have a belief that "good things don't last forever". Another example is a husband who is afraid his wife might have an affair with someone else. She has never done it, but he is afraid he may not be good enough (for her). The reason for your fear is important, because the solution to a fear of a painful experience from the past is different from the solution to a fear based on a belief.

Find the underlying fear. Your answers may reveal another fear. For example: I am afraid of Mr Dang. Why? Because he is very angry and I am afraid he will shout at me. Treat the reply as another belief and start over. Why am I afraid that Mr Dang will shout at me? Because I am afraid to feel humiliated. You can continue asking "Why?" until you find the source. In this example, the source can be a belief that kids do not like playing with someone the teacher yells at. So the underlying fear is that of social isolation.

Another important thing you can find by asking "Why?" is who caused your original fear. Many people discover their fears were created by something their parents, siblings or other important people have said to (or about) them and that they keep holding these fears long afterwards. It is important to find out who started your fears, because peoples' authority and the validity of their statements fade over time. For example, parents' words are not as important to a 35-year-old man as they are to a 5-year-old boy. Another reason is that circumstances change and while the original fear was appropriate at the time, it may not be relevant anymore. Even those people change and may no longer think the same way. For example, my parents were very afraid when I chose to start a business with my sister. They had had a bad experience mixing family and business and they did a lot to make me change my mind. At first, I was concerned, but then, I decided to go ahead anyway. After two successful (and peaceful) years in business with my sister, their fear changed. Instead of saying, "Every family business relationship is doomed to fail", they changed it to, "Some family business relationships fail, depending on the people involved".

The third part of asking "Why?" is to think of the circumstances that have created the fear. I have a good financial example. While we had to be very calculated with our spending when we were a poor family with 7 mouths to feed, it was no longer the case when I started working and earned lots of money. So there was no point holding on to the fear that the money would run out. I lived in a different generation, I had a different partner, I had a profession, I had lots of savings and I did not have 7 mouths to feed, so I changed my fear to the belief "I have plenty of money. I have enough for a rainy day". That way, I was no longer afraid of money running out. When you find the fear circumstances and the time it was created, ask yourself, "How have circumstances changed since?" It will help you discover that there is always change. You have changed. You are not the same person. You have more skills, more experience, more support, more resources, etc.

Find at least one contradicting example that proves to you that your fear is not valid or real. For example, if I am afraid that I will not be able to submit my article to the editor on time, I recall plenty of times when I have sent articles on time to chase the fear away. Sometimes, just one example can shake the strength of the belief.

The process of changing your fears may be long and challenging, but it is very important. It involves recognizing your fears, finding their sources, shaking the fears and chasing them away, then swapping them with powerful, forward-facing and positive beliefs of love and happiness. This process never ends, because the fears never disappear and new circumstances breed new fears. With the list activity, some of them fade and are not strong and debilitating as much as they were before. Do not be afraid to try!

Have a nice and easy discovery process.

Be happy!
Ronit

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When people are asked what scares them most, public speaking is at the top of the list for most of them, scarier even than death. I thought the same when I was a kid. Speaking when someone else listened was so scary I would rather die than read my homework in class.

Kids with small panic attacks

Many kids are afraid to speak or present while a group of other kids are listening, not to mention in front of a grownup audience. At home, they feel comfortable and confident, but as soon as they get to school - blank! They do not remember what the topic was and you can notice a small panic attack: increased heartbeat, blurred vision, broken voice and heavy breathing.

Unfortunately, these kids are often not taken seriously and their parents do not really understand how come their very smart child, who knew all his/her project perfectly did not get a good grade on his/her presentation. Let me tell you something. Acquiring knowledge and presenting this knowledge are two different skills! When your parents do not understand this fear now, you have to deal with two problems.

1. The fear of other people watching you
2. The fear of what Mom and Dad think about your fear

Most parents are brave when they talk about their children's fear of public appearances, although as soon as you ask them to do something in public, the freak out and never take the risk themselves. They give their child millions of tips, but when they need to present in front of their work colleague, they practice for days, work on slides, spend money to buy the latest presentation gadgets (as if this will make them successful), get a haircut and sometimes have a drink just before, in order to survive the anxiety attack they have - even when it is just their turn to present in a small meeting.

I feel very sorry for kids when they express their fear of public speaking. I think I understand them very well. You see, I can stand in front of thousands of people and present a topic, but I was not like that all my life.

When I was a child, I had a huge polyp on my vocal cord. It was so big I had to take a deep breath to produce every sentence. On top of it, my voice was rough and unstable. Even when I was not afraid of anything, my voice sounded broken and shaky.

Can you imagine how scared I was for others to listen to my voice?

When my teacher asked me to read my homework, I would say I did not do my homework. I loved drama, but I never dared to participate in a school play. I still remember my primary school graduation evening, which usually included a performance by all the graduating students. It was full of songs and drama acts. Out of about 160 students, I was one of the 6 kids holding blue ribbons to represent the sea and I felt lucky that no one could hear my voice.

The fear of speaking in front of others is not exclusive to children. Although it normally starts during childhood, being more aware and self-conscious only makes it worse as we grow up.

Can you imagine how many opportunities we miss as children and later on as adults due to the fear of public speaking?

The good news is we can change that and the younger we start, the easier it gets.

How to help your children speak up

School gives many opportunities for children to present their work. It is very important for children to hear their own voice and get used to the sound of it. It is good to do it with a supportive audience and slowly extend it to presenting in front of to others. The fear of public speaking is related to the fear of failure and the fear of being laughed at.

As parents, we need to make sure our children never consider public speaking and presenting as potential failures. They must be opportunities to grow and gain confidence.

Here is how:

1. Kids who live in a home with one or two perfectionist parents tend to have more anxiety about their performance. If you suffer from perfectionism, eliminate it from your life. It is a disease and you will sentence your child to life of misery. If a children cannot focus on the performance but on what Mom or Dad thinks of their performance, no wonder they are anxious.
2. Let kids play with sounds and enjoy the sound of their own voice. Record them making noises and help them relax about hearing their recorded voice (it sounds different). I remember my daughter having a tape recorder as a child. Nowadays, it is so much easier, because you can do it on the computer or on a mobile phone. There are many opportunities - just let them enjoy their voice.
3. Teach kids to tell jokes and capture them on video with your phone or digital camera. Let them watch themselves and make sure you are not judgmental (if you do something that may seem judgmental, it only increases the performance anxiety and blocks their thinking).
4. Spend time listening to your kids reading aloud parts of the book they are reading. This can be done from the second they start reading and can continue later on when they are older and they read something funny and want to read it to you.
5. Tell your children stories about your life, when you had to do something and you were afraid to speak in front of others. It will make it easy for them to know that everyone experiences fear of public speaking.
6. Tell them stories about celebrities who were shy and afraid to speak in public. This is why I like to find videos of true stories from the DVD shop. I think it is essential for kids to realize that we are not born with this ability - we develop it.
7. At dinnertime, play some games (I like personal development games, like "Something wonderful that happened to me today", "3 good things I can say about someone in the family" or "If I had everything I wanted, I would...") and make sure everyone gets a turn. They can learn to say what they think and talk about something personal while everyone else is listening and giving them the attention they deserve.
8. Play with your kids talking nonsense. This is pure voice stimulation. By the way, recording makes it even better.
9. Spend family time singing songs. You do not have to have a special device like a karaoke system or an X-box to sing songs. A CD with songs and lyrics printed off the Internet can be sufficient. Unfortunately, the signing programs emphasize perfection and we want to do exactly the opposite - singing is fun, even if we are not perfect singers. I recommend doing this as early as possible and never stop (our oldest is 22 and still sings with us).
10. Teach kids to use cue cards. Make sure they write on their cue cards in big letters and understand they are for practice, not for the presentation. After using the cards 6-7 times, they will need them less and less. Reading from cue cards is not presenting and even using the same language written on the cards is not presenting. They need to practice spoken, natural language!
11. Encourage your kids to volunteer in class when the teacher asks for students to present things or to read aloud. Again, you can use stories from your own life and work to show that taking this kind of risk pays off.

We have been encouraging our kids to do the things they love doing. When our son Tsoof sees an audience, he is happy. Give him an audience of any size and he will tell jokes, sing songs and entertain them. He is so brave that no one can imagine that when he was in Grade 6, his school had a talent competition (Macgregor Idol), and he practiced singing Superman (It's Not Easy To Be Me) and never went to the audition. The following year, we encouraged him to try again. That time, he went and got 4^th place. Since then, he sings at every opportunity he gets (you can see him at TsoofBaras.com).

Our youngest daughter Noff, sings at home, but rarely in front of an audience. Last year, she sang with Tsoof at a small gathering and this year, she worked up the courage to participate in her school's talent competition singing True Colors. She is only 10 and a few times, she thought of giving up. The first round was in her class, the second round was in front of about 400 kids and teachers, and the final round was during the annual school festival, in front of thousands of people.

Noff was sooooooooooooooooooooo scared. We could see it on her face. But, she did it! She sang so beautifully and won the 3^rd prize. For 3 months after the competition and the festival, her teachers, her friends and other parents at school congratulated her on being so brave, but I believe her real reward is the belief that she can do it! I believe that with this belief, our kids can conquer the world.

Here is Noff singing True Colors on stage. Enjoy!

Ronit

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Here is the story of Ric Elias. I will meet you on the other side.

It just so happens there was a strong experience in my life that changed my priorities (see 35-hour baby) and brought me to the same conclusion: being a dad is what makes my life meaningful. It did not happen quickly, though. I carried the sadness that Ric describes in me for nearly 10 years and had to see a therapist to get out of it.

But the final change happened while I was training to be a life coach. We had covered goal setting, beliefs, values, rules, needs and long-term goals. We had experienced great personal growth and refined our coaching techniques. Then, we got to Purpose.

To many religious Western people, purpose seems almost obvious: to serve God or maybe to be good enough to make it to Heaven. To many Eastern religious people, it might be to be kind or to reincarnate as a higher being.

But when you sit down and try to write a clear description of your life's purpose, you can scratch your head for a really long time and then realize you have simply never thought about it. It is one of these things we associate with big words and famous people, like Mother Teresa or Gandhi, but seem too big for us mere mortals.

Yet, there is a way to come up with your purpose in life, which I would like to share with you. After that, I will make it even easier still.

How to find your purpose in life

The general formula for a purpose statement is

I want to BE <something>, DO <something> and HAVE <something>

For example, Mother Teresa would say something like "I want to be a saint, minister to the poor, sick, orphaned and dying and have a pure heart and a place in Heaven". Gandhi might say, "I want to be a national leader, free the Indians from oppression by the British and have peace of mind and good reincarnation".

It is very important to being with the BEING part. What kind of a person do you want to be? For some perspective, ask yourself, "How do I want to be remembered after I die?"

For the DOING part, remember that a purpose must be so large and so endless that no matter how much you do, you never do it all. A purpose is not to be achieved, it is to be lived. It is an ideal that gives your life meaning and direction, a kind of moral compass.

The HAVING bit is where you get some reward for all that noble being and doing. Despite a good purpose typically being focused around the service of others, there has to be something in it for you, or you will not pursue it. But rewards are not financial or material. Making money and buying things are just ways to get feelings. Your purpose statement should declare your desired feelings directly - love, appreciation, respect, satisfaction, significance, self-worth and so on.

My purpose in life

Most likely, you are reading this because you are a parent. So this part should speak volumes to you.

Since the following statement became clear to me, my life filled with joy every day and there is a good reason for everything I do. Being happy is just a matter of remembering what I am here for.

I want to be a great dad, to raise my kids into independent, kind and happy individuals and to have the satisfaction of being part of this wonderful creation and a big sense of achievement

Amen,
Gal

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When my oldest nephew turned 18, everyone congratulated him on becoming an adult. When my turn came, this is what I said to him

The main difference between kids and adults is that kids live for today and adults know there is a future. Becoming an adult doesn't happen when you turn 18. It happens when you decide to take responsibility for your own future

Let's say you have a leak in your roof. At first, you see some signs of moisture in the ceiling after heavy rains and those signs disappear some time after the rain stops. If you do nothing, you can keep going like this for months, maybe even a couple of years.

Then, the moisture brings in termites or mold or just mixes in with the roof and ceiling material and you start getting the occasional drip. Sure, it is no fun, but a bucket under it can catch the water for a while, maybe until another rainy season blows over.

Eventually, it no longer helps to paint over the moisture spots in the summer and using rags and buckets to capture the water that trickles down from the roof, because the roof just caves in.

Of course, getting someone to seal your roof when you first noticed the moisture in the ceiling would have cost you money and required you to miss a few hours of work, but it would have stopped the problem then. When the dripping started, the job would have been bigger and most expensive, but it would certainly cost less and hurt less than having to repair and entire room or an entire section of your house. That really hurts.

Living in the present and making short-term decisions sometimes means trouble, because some situations keep getting worse and although you cannot avoid the cost, the effort or the pain, you can at least minimize them. In other situations, short-term pain creates opportunities for future success, comfort and happiness that would not be available by just chugging along and trying to have fun.

People who struggle financially often prefer to do things themselves. When they need to fix something or even to make something, like a wooden shelf cabinet, they spend their time doing it, often at the expense of family or vacation time and sometimes even at the expense of paid work.

Successful people pay others to do things for them, because this way they get quality work done and free their own time for what they enjoy and do best.

This is not because successful people have more money. It is because they value their time more than they value their money. If you believe that an hour of your time is worth $20 and you need to spend 2 hours making a $60 cabinet, you are $20 ahead in your mind. But if you believe your time is worth $100 an hour, buying a $150 cabinet and saving 2 hours is a better deal for you.

People who go into business often do not have enough money to keep their new business going until it breaks even. However, business planning is all about numbers, so they draw up a plan, project their costs and sales revenues into the future and then approach a bank and ask for a loan, because they can show (on paper) that the return will be higher than the interest and that taking the loan will allow them to succeed.

Business people make this kind of decisions almost every day, again by using their numbers. Say they need a big job done and they lack the manpower. They can turn it down, hire and train more people or outsource. So they draw up a plan, project their costs and sales revenue from the job into the future and then they can show (on paper) that the return will be higher than the outsourcing costs, so they engage some contractors for the job.

You can see examples of this every day. Recruitment firms now handle most of the job applications, accounting firms handle most of the taxes for companies, payroll processors handle most of the salaries, overseas sweatshops make most of the clothes, shoes and software and who picks up when you ring customer service? The figures make a powerful case for choosing to outsource, so companies do it.

Unfortunately, personal life is not as clear cut. It is not so easy to put a price on making it in time for your child's concert or being there when your baby says his or her first word. If you cuddle in bed for another 10 minutes, how will this affect your bottom line? Hard to tell.

Your personal future is tricky to imagine. So many things can change. If anyone asked you to imagine your life today 10 years ago, would you have imagined it closely enough? I know I would not have. So when we make personal decisions, like choosing a place to live, our furniture, our children's school, our friends and many other things, we cannot rely on numbers and projections.

So what can we rely on?

Self-confidence.

What?!

Yes, self-confidence. Because no matter what the future holds, being confident will help you do better in it. Confident people get better jobs, find better partners, close better deals, earn better incomes and raise more confident kids who then get better jobs, find better partners, close better deals and earn better incomes.

The only tough decision you still face, then, is how to become more confident. Should you borrow books from the library and spend a lot of time reading them? Should you buy books, audio recordings or even video programs and learn from them? Or maybe you should find a professional life coach who will probably charge you a bit of money, but will help you with the things YOU need to boost YOUR confidence?

If you borrow some books from the library (or read professional development articles online), you pay nothing and all you do is spend your time. Reading is great for getting general guidance and you may find golden nuggets in them that will help you change your life. Or you may not, because for some people, it can be difficult to translate the learning into practice.

Audio and video program (and public seminars) cost more than books. But they provide a richer experience and deliver their messages in a shorter amount of time. The growth you get from them is faster and perhaps deeper. You finish going through them with a feeling of elation, determined to change your life and be a new you. Most people still remember some of the things they wanted to do a few days later, but doing them suddenly seems more difficult in the face of reality.

But what if you committed yourself to truly "nailing it"? What if you decided that no matter the cost, you wanted to ensure you future was bright and happy, and no matter how much time and effort that would take in the present, it was worth spending them.

Working with a life coach is based on just this level of conviction and commitment. When you are the "engine", life coaching can guide you towards deeper understanding of yourself and your world and help you reinvent yourself with power and confidence. Each time you meet, you learn something new. Each time you meet, you also learn from your experience since the previous meeting and gradually make your new skills part of your new life, so they never fade.

The Greek mythology tells the story of Sisyphus, who was doomed to roll a giant boulder up a hill and lose his strength near the top, which cause the boulder to roll back down the hill again. Modern life can sometimes feel like that.

But by giving it all we have, no matter the pain and effort, and making it to the top of the hill, our life's boulder will start rolling forward and we will become unstoppable. So we need to muster just enough confidence to take what resources we have, borrow a bit from tomorrow, and make a change that will last.

Happy life,
Gal

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