Last week, after posting Self Esteem Mini-Course (part 6), I got this comment from Chuck Bluestein referring to his post called What Causes a Lack of Self-Esteem in Americans. According to Chuck, the lack of physical touch in infants is the source of the problem.

Well, Chuck, I agree with you that physical touch is essential for kids' physical and emotional growth. I even think that parents who think they are "spoiling" their babies by holding them in their hands are being unreasonable. Yes, babies needs to be hugged and touched, but the real problem in our society starts when they grow a bit and Mom and Dad think it is inappropriate to touch them anymore. It reached a stage where grown-ups who lived together in the same house for years shake hands when they see each other. I try from time to time to imagine my kids as grown-ups. I have changed their diapers! I cannot imagine myself shaking their hands when they become parents. Since they were babies, I have hugged them and said, "I can hug you and love you as much as I want".

However, Chuck, I do not believe that "hearing" about something can convince people to behave in any way. People have heard everything there is to hear, they have all the knowledge in the world but it just does not sink in, because of the many filters they have added to their identity over the years. This is neither right nor wrong, it is just a fact. We go through life and come up with filters that help us survive.

And I still think there is no such a thing as "the right way" (I think Special Education professionals are "programmed" to react like this to the terms "right" and "wrong"). People always choose what seems to be the right way at the time. Not one ever says, "Well, here are 7 options for raising kids, let me pick the wrong one"…

I love Mr. Miyagi from "Karate Kid" and I think I would have said, "When the student cannot understand something, it is only because the teacher did not present it properly", but bad teachers? I do not think there are any. No teacher on Earth ever becomes a teacher in order to damage kids. No teacher ever says, "Well, I have 7 ways (I love the number 7) to teach, let me choose the lousiest one". Teachers (and parents are teachers too) teach the best way they can. We need to give them more strength, more confidence, more support and no judgment.

Chuck says, "This lack of self-esteem is not because American parents do not love their kids. It is because they never learned how to raise infants. The way that kids are raised now is described in the book, Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem by Gloria Steinem (1992). This tells how children are alive to serve the parents and the parents are perfect and always right and it goes on and on".

I agree with Gloria Steinem that most parents have never learned how to raise infants, but they have never learned how to raise toddlers or teens either, they have never learned how to establish a relationship with a partner or take care of their finances or do home maintenance, although they have to do it all their life. What is new about that?

I would like to suggest that you take all the Amer-Indians, put them in the middle of a busy city and see how much self-esteem they will have there. Kids who grow in a small community with a different dynamic can continue to raise their kids the same way for over 100,000 years.

The kids we have today, the kids whose parents have Internet connections and go on the computer to read the great posts you and I write, live in a super fast world with changes every day, all day. Even if they wanted to keep their life the same way for a week, they could not do it.

When you say 100,000 years, it is funny. My 6-year-old just came back from school, excited that she had learned how to change the colour of text in Microsoft Word. My husband than told her he had met his first computer at university and we had our first computer at home when he was 26. In just a short time, life has changed for all of us. Do you think that, if we wanted, we could say, "Nah, I do not like this life. Too many changes. I want to go back to living like 100,000 years ago"?

As much as I believe that touch is important, I want you to know there are kids who cannot stand the feeling of being touched all the time (and Chuck, there is nothing wrong with these kids). You are describing a community of people who are kinesthetic and benefit from physical touch, but this does not mean that everyone does.

Some kids who will cry if you put them in a sling, because they will feel limited, whereas others will feel warm and safe. I have three kids and each is different in their need for touch. I find that natural. Yes, physical touch contributes to people's self-esteem, but I wish they could have remembered the hugs they got in their infancy. I wish there was a tank of hugs and touch that they could carry with them to adulthood. It is wishful thinking but far from being real. People need hugs and physical touch all the time - infants, toddlers, teens, parents, growth-ups, old folks - everybody. There is magic in the infant years, but hugs are not that magic.

If you believe that whenever the baby cries it is because he is in pain, you might find it hard and painful to raise kids. Kids cry as a form of expression. This is what they know and it is very good that they cry. Life is beautiful, but not if we immediately give them their desires all the time. They are just babies learning about life. Kids are not servants, nor are their parents. Everyone in this life wants to satisfy their needs and sometimes, there are conflicts of interest. For example, kids want to sleep in your bed and you want to make love to your partner tonight. Oops, what is more important now, your feeling of love, your partner's feeling of love or your kids' feeling of love? In every conflict of interest, parents are just a little bit more experienced than their babies are. Just as on planes, they tell you to put your mask on first when there is an emergency, it only makes sense to me that with self-esteem, you would do the same. Your kids will certainly learn to live by doing what you do, so teach them to take care of themselves by taking care of yourself.

If you teach kids that when they are not being held, they are not loved, you are teaching them the most horrible thing. The best thing is to tell them that they are loved no matter what and that there are many ways to express love and physical touch is only one of them. I hope no kid in the world will adopt this way of thinking, because we are not held most of our life, and life would be miserable if touch was the only way to express love.

Teen depression is not caused by not being hugged and touched in infant years but because parents think it is valuable to touch their kids when they are cute babies, but when the cuteness disappears, the hugs and the physical affection disappear with it. Many teens do not get touch from anyone close to them.

So Chuck, as much as I think that touch is essential for people's growth and wellbeing and as much as I think the early years are crucial, I do not agree that this alone is the source of self-esteem in people, although I wish you were right!

Happy ongoing parenting is the answer,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Hugs: The Ultimate Antidepressant
• To Teach Is To Touch a Life Forever
• Happiness!

Many times, I have been asked if I had a "magic formula" to solve behavioural problems and I always say that behaviour management is not fixing behavioural problems but preventing them from happening.

The difference between fixing a problem and preventing it is the difference between a proactive mindset and a reactive one. When I need to fix a problem, I become "The Fire Brigade" and start putting out fires and that is no fun, because I am then controlled by the circumstances or the people around me (the kids).

Here are some tools from my "magic toolbox" to make sure you will not have to deal with any behaviour problems in your parenting.

1. Use Positive Language

Many behaviour problems at home (and school, of course) are due to the use of negative language. If you listen to parents and teachers communicating with kids, you will notice they are very clear about what they do not want the kids to do. "Don't run around", "Don't talk with your mouth full", "Don't be late", "Don't forget to …".

But our brain cannot "not think" of things (see Pink Elephants), so it ignores the "don't", "no" and even "stop" and focuses on "run around", "talk with your mouth full", "be late" and "forget to …".

It is just as easy to tell a child what you want them to do instead of what you do not want them. Do this and you will notice how they change after a short time. Say "Please walk carefully", "Please eat quietly for a while", "Please come on time" and "Remember to …".

Despite my awareness of the use of language, I realised at some point that my son was the greatest "astronaut" on earth. We used to say that if his head was not attached to his body, he would have forgotten it too. Then, I noticed I was saying to him every morning, "Don't forget to take this", "Don't forget you have band practice at 10" and so on. I had done this every day for a few years and instead of making him remember, I was making him forgetful. So, I wrote on my whiteboard in big letters "Remember" and, sure enough, after 3 weeks I had a different kid. 3 weeks and he remembered every activity he had during his school day (and he had many of them).

2. Be a Role Model

Children, especially young ones, try different ways to get what they want. This is a good way for them to experience the world. If you want them to behave in a curtain way, tell them, show them and more than that, do it yourself. I remember my dad getting very upset when he found out that my 16 year-old brother was smoking (he probably started when he was 12). I remember him shouting and screaming, until my sister, who was 17, said to him, "Why are you so upset? You smoke too. How can you tell him it is bad to smoke if you smoke yourself?" My dad stopped. He looked like she had banged him hard on his head. He quietly left the room and we never saw him smoking anymore.

With young children, we can turn their attention to the good things we do by saying, "We put our toys away like this" or "I put my clothes in the laundry box when I take them off. Why don't you put your clothes their too?"

With teenagers, before you become upset about what they do or do not do, ask yourself what you did when you were their age. Some things are not that big a deal. You did silly, irresponsible things too, right? Tell them about thing you did that did not work for you and give them examples from your own life. If you have any fears about their future, take a look at yourself. You did not turn out so bad after all, right?

3. Respect Your Kids

If you are not happy with something your kids do, make sure to say it to them in private. Shaming your kids in public is humiliating and only increases undesired behaviour.

Respect their time - Planning is a good way to manage kids' behaviour. If you are organised and take into consideration their time they feel their environment is a safe place.

With young kids, if you want them to do things or stop doing things while they are playing, give them a "heads up". Because their perception of time is not fully formed yet, tell them what is about to happen. Say, "We are leaving in 10 minutes, so you have 10 more minute to play".

With teenagers, letting them know the daily schedule is a great way to prevent many behaviour problems. We do this on our way to school in the morning by telling everyone in the car the plan for the whole day. If you take their schedule into account, they feel respected and show respect to the family schedule.

Respect their privacy. Assign your kids places that are only theirs and be strict about allowing them time for themselves and with their friends and respect their possessions. Ask permission to look at personal things, just like you needed privacy when you were a teenager.

4. Separate the Person from the Act

Kids are not "bad" or "naughty", they are kids.

If you tell your kid you are not happy with something they did, make sure you are not calling names or labelling. Avoid saying "you are …" and say instead "this behaviour …" or "what you've just done" and be specific about what caught your attention.

Even when you are upset about your kids' behaviour, tell them how much you love them. This is critical with teens. Keep the communication channels open at all times.

5. Focus on the Positive

Many parents pay attention to what their kids do "wrong" instead of paying attention to what they do well. Notice your kids' good behaviour and it will grow. Do not take for granted what they do well and mention it as soon as it happens.

With young kids, you can say "You are eating so cleanly" or "Wow, did you just buckle your seatbelt by yourself? I am so proud of you".

With older kids, you can say "I appreciate your help" or "I am very proud or you" for every little thing they do. We all love to be appreciated!

6. 12 Hugs a Day

Children need physical touch for their emotional health, so make sure you touch them enough during the day. Pat them on the shoulder, comb their hair, hold their hands or their face and hug them. Hug them when they are young, hug them when they are not so young, hug them even after they grow taller than you… Physical contact is a basic need for all people, and if they do not get it from you, they will get it from somewhere else. Many Special Education children with behavioural problems, including violence, only need a hug!

7. Rewards Good Behaviour!

Whether we admit it or not, rewarding is a way of conditioning our kids to keep doing the things we want them to do. It can be a word, a touch or a material thing.

You need to be careful with rewards that the child will not condition you. I remember a friend I had who said to her 5 year old son every time we went to a restaurant, "If you eat your food, you can get ice cream". It did not take long before he started saying "If you want me to eat, I want my ice cream first" and nothing helped her. He ate his ice cream first and never ate the food. Be careful not to use conditioning like this. If you do want to use this method, use it on everyone at once - "If you all finish your food, we will be able to watch a movie together".

Final Word

Maybe the greatest secret is to align your behaviour management philosophy with your partner's. Consistency makes kids feel secure and gains their trust. There is a great correlation between couples agreeing on their parenting style and kids with good behaviour.

You may want to read

• Wonderful Things to Say to My Daughters
• Teen(r)age: In Search of Love and Uniqueness
• Happiness!

At one stage, we reached the discussion about physical contact between parents and kids as part of the relationship. We talked about the importance of touch in people's life, especially teens', as they reach a phase in their life when they crave touch and can no longer get it at home.

It was a very open discussion. Parents talked about their own experiences regarding physical touch. Most were above the age of 40. They talked about living as kids in a society that had discouraged physical expressions like hugs and kisses as soon as kids became teens. Some talked about coming from cultures where fathers shook hands with their kids. One mother said her teen did not like her hugging and kissing him, especially around others. Then, another mother, let's call her Maggie, who was there by herself, raised her hand and asked a question:

"I understand the importance of hugs, but I find it hard to hug my daughter. What can I do?"

The room went quiet.

In groups, people need more courage to speak up, ask questions and talk about fears and obstacles, but those who gather the strength to do it, usually help others to open up.

"Thank you for sharing this with us, Maggie. When was the last time you were hugged?", I asked her.

Maggie smiled. I think everyone in the room was answering my question in their heads.

"I'm a single mother. My last has was long time ago", she said.

"Were you hugged as a child?", I asked her.

"No", she said and tears welled in her eyes.

I, myself, was not hugged much when I grew up. I grew up in a place where babies were hugged a lot and physical touch decreases each year.

When you are not hugged as a kid, understanding the importance of touch and hugs is not enough to make you hug your kids. Having a good relationship with a partner and getting enough physical touch is like filling a tank. When your tank is full, you can easily give hugs and touch, but when your tank is empty, it can be hard.

I explained to the parents about love tanks and why changing Maggie's ability to hug her daughter depended on her ability to fill her own tank. There was a buzz around the room. People moved in their chairs, then raised their hands and wanted to speak.

Most people responded to Maggie's question and talked about their experiences and challenges, this time as human beings, not parents. Some people had wonderful ideas for her to fill her love tank. It seemed like they were helping Maggie, but the faces around the table showed they were helping everyone.

Every coach, in every coaching session, is in constant search for the one thing that would help change the client's life. I learned this technique from my professor in the "Creative Thinking" project I took part in 22 years ago. If the students discover the learning (they have an "aha moment"), it means heaps more than when the teacher is teaches it to them. Similarly, when participants help each other find the answer, it is better than when the facilitator says it…

I thanked Maggie very much for allowing this thing to happen.

At the end of the evening, a big group of parents stood at the door and hugged each other. That day, they all went home with their love tanks full to the brim.

Although you need physical hugs, I am sending you the closest thing I can on the computer. Please pass my hugs on to anyone who may need to fill their love tank.

Ronit

Check Out My Book "Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers"

You may want to read

• Hugging Babies is Not Enough
• 7 Easy Secrets of Behaviour Management
• Teen(r)age: In Search of Love and Uniqueness

Some truly touching stories were told to us, like a grandmother, whose grandson had been in an accident in the country and had been flown into Brisbane to save his life. She said, "Oh, I needed a hug so much. Thank you!"

As always, we had huggers from all shapes, sizes, ethnic origins and denominations, and the more we hugged, the more we got excited by the warmth and intimate human contact.

Here it is. See for yourself. To join our hug campaign, contact us.

Emotional Video

Upbeat Video

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• A Gift of Gratitude: When Giving Is Receiving
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Dear Carl,

I think forcing this is not fun at all. However, it is great to feel connected to the world. I am a natural hugger, always was, but my husband, Gal, didn't think it was right to hug people you don't love. It was an issue of sincerity, I guess, because he comes from a family of huggers that hug within the family.

If you live in a place where people do not hug each other, it is strange. It is like any other thing people do that is not part of your culture and you find it strange.

Think about it: babies are hugged a lot and one day parents feel it is not appropriate anymore, so teenagers are not hugged much. Why?

Many years ago, Gal was an exchange student in Connecticut (USA) for 6 months and stayed in touch with his host family. After about 10 years of sending letters and photos to each other, we went to visit them with our 4 year-old daughter.  It was the first time I met them. They were wonderful. On their fridge, I saw our photos and Sally, Gal's host mother, told everyone that her son came to visit with his family. She called our daughter "my granddaughter". They were a wonderful, loving family that adopted us as their own. I remember on the first evening, when we went to bed, everyone hugged one another, long, loving hugs. I come from a not-so-hugging family and this was the kind of hugs I hug my family at the airport before a long trip, so I thought it was excitement.

In the morning, when we got up, it was the same thing - hugging and kissing again. It was strange, but nice, and I felt so much love.

In the second evening, there were hugs again, so when we went to bed, I asked Gal about this strange thing and he said, "Oh, they do this every evening and every morning. It is not just because they haven't seen us for a long time".

I went to sleep laughing. At night, I thought about it some more. "Why not?", I asked myself. I tried imagining myself living life like that, hugging my mom and dad and sisters and brother the same way every night and every morning. It felt good just imagining it and I made a choice to think differently about hugging.

I thank our adopted parents in Connecticut that helped me learn that I can do things that I didn't have at home. I knew my parents loved me, but the thought of them showing it to me every day made me decide I was going to do it to my children, every day, every morning, every night.

Only later on in life, I started to coach people and work with them on their life and on the choices they want to make and this brought me to hugging as a healing method. Read my article Hugs: The Ultimate Antidepressant to find the physical reasons to hug and watch the videos below to be inspired to start your own hugging campaign:

Sending you a big hug

Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Be Happy in Life
• Hugs: The Ultimate Antidepressant
• Who You Are Makes a Difference

The first step towards moving into a happy state is to understand that happiness is something we need to learn and, for some reason (that we will not discuss here), school teaches everything else but happiness. Use the “school of life” to practice happiness and remember that your “choice muscle” needs to be active all the time. Always notice you have options in everything you do, think or feel, and that you choose the things that are best for you.

Here are some specific tips you can blend into your every day:

1. Smile a lot. If smiling is too hard for you, take a pencil and hold it with your teeth. There are enough smiling muscles involved for your brain to think you are smiling and start producing “happy” chemicals.
2. Sing! Singing works just like smiling, causing your body to produce “feeling good” chemicals. Sing in the car, sing in the shower, sing when you prepare dinner and sing when you feel frustrated and notice how the negative feelings melt away.
3. Hang around positive people. Having happy people around you will make it easy to learn happiness. Happy people have fun around them and their ability to overcome challenges is higher than that of unhappy people who tend to lay blame and feel victimised. Choose the people you hang out with to suit your needs.
4. Laugh. Much like smiling, laughter is a great way to overcome physical and emotional challenges. If it does not happen naturally, try laughter therapy.
5. Get a move on. Being physically active makes you happy. Find some activity you like to do and notice how it changes your mood: sex (yes, of course!), any kind of sport, dance and yoga. Make a habit of being active in any way you feel like.
6. Get creative. Creativity is a great way to find happiness. Think of creative things people do for a living or as hobby and notice how much happiness it gives them. Paint, draw, dance, sculpt, do some craft, invent a gadget, cook something new, write poetry or tend the garden. Tap into your creative abilities and find your “happy spot”.
7. Hug. Hugging is a way to give and receive happiness. Physical touch is essential to your development and hugging is a great way to get that physical touch in a positive way. Hug a lot!
8. When in a conflict situation, remember that being happy and being right do not necessarily go hand in hand. When in doubt, choose happiness over being right.
9. When feeling down, recite to yourself “This too shall pass” and imagine a brighter future.
10. Act like a child. Do childish things to feel young and fresh: jump on a trampoline, sit on a swing and skip. Remember, “We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing”.
11. Be kind. Do random acts of kindness every day. It can be as simple as saying something nice, offering help, giving up your place in a queue or allowing another driver to enter a busy road.
12. Be grateful. Practice gratitude: say thank you for everything you have and appreciate in your life. Gratitude is a way to increase happiness and eliminate taking life for granted.
13. Meditate! Find a relaxation you feel comfortable with. Meditation relaxes the mind. You can listen to music, use crystals, take a bath, use candles or repeat a mantra. All of these do the same thing to your mind. Take the time off every day to regenerate yourself.

At every moment of your life, you can choose whether to be happy or not! Notice that you are given the option.

The great thing about happiness is that it is on a scale - your own scale. No one can tell you what will make you happy and you have the absolute power to determine your happiness and to achieve it. Happiness is your choice.

Another great thing about the pursuit of happiness is that it has a compounding effect (much like accumulating wealth). It is a journey and the main thing in it is to START NOW!

Choose a happy life and make a promise to yourself to become a happy person one step at a time.

Until next time,

Be Happy in LIFE!

Ronit

You may want to read

• Nothing wrong with feeling bad
• Make a list: Things I am Happy about
• Angels of Love and Demons of Fear