Much like many countries around the world, kids can get their independence after war and "bloodshed" or after signing a "peace treaty" with the society around them. And much like the independence of countries is mainly the result of what their leaders do, with kids, it is a mainly the result of what their parents do.

Do you feel it is a heavy responsibility? Well, it is! But if you think deeply about it, you will find that power goes hand in hand with responsibility. Parents have lots of power in leading their kids to design their declaration of independence and sign it.

The confusion between chores and independence

If you talk to most parents (when they are calm), they will tell you that independence is very important. Yet when I ask them how if they teach independence, they talk about chores. My mom did the same. She said, "If you do the dishes from the age of 10, when you live in your own home, you will be able to do the dishes". We told her, "No, Mom. If I wash the dishes from the age of 10, by the time I am grown up, I will hate and resent it so much I will avoid washing the dishes".

Even though my mom did not think that fun and motivation had anything to do with the kind of grownups we would become, she still wanted us to be independent. I think that much like many other parents, she confused doing chores with independence.

I am not saying that chores are not important and that they cannot teach children responsibility and independence. What I am saying is that making kids do their chores through fighting is not as effective as making kids do their chores with respect, support, love and understanding. Simple, isn't it?

The good thing about kids is that they strive for independence from a very early age. It is part of their emotional development and is very healthy. Some parents call those incidents "disobedience", "conflicts" or "questioning my authority". I call it "testing the boundaries" (I do not mean testing the parents' boundaries but the children's own boundaries) and I believe it is one of the healthiest processes and parents, being the ultimate leaders, can make good use of this natural tendency.

While grownups tend to give up easily, kids will try doing things over and over again despite the dirt, the messiness, the mismatch in colors and their awkwardness, as long as they enjoy it. If we change our perception from "power struggle" to "striving for independence", we will be able to our kids enjoy the process, we will be able to raise independent kids from as early 2 years old, and when they do leave home, we can be confident they will do it brilliantly.

Strengthening the choice muscle

Independent kids are able to fulfill their own needs. Of course there are limitations to this ability, because a baby cannot cook his/her own meal or change his/her own diaper. Yet, I think we can teach them independent by giving them choices from an early age and teach them how to choose well.

When you give your kids a choice, they interpret it as, "although you are small and I am big and powerful, I ask for your opinion, I accept your choices I respect you". This attitude makes sure you will not get into war with your kids, not to mention that you are helping them develop a sense of independence by giving them opportunities to trust and learn from their own judgment.

Since I have said this so many times in my workshops and presentation, I know you may now be thinking, "But we cannot give them a choice between washing or not washing the dishes", and you are right. That is not what I meant.

I agree that you cannot always give your kids the choice between drawing on the wall and not drawing on the wall, but you can give them many other choices, like "Would you like to draw on the whiteboard or with chalks on the driveway?"

I dare say that when you think of conflicts between you and your kids, regardless of their age, it is due to them feeling their choices are not respected and them not having enough opportunities to choose. When I talk to people about some of the bad things their teenagers are doing, I think they are doing it because they do not know how to fulfill their own needs in better ways, because their "choice muscle" is very weak.

Yes, I agree it is not easy to start working this muscle at the age of 16, when your teenager runs away from school, hangs around drugs and is picked up by the police, but we can practice our own choice muscle and understand that we have the power to choose whether to accept the situation by fooling ourselves and saying, "All teens are the same", "She's hormonal" and "There's nothing I can do" or to change it.

Join me next week for some tips in developing the choice muscle and independent thinking in your children and teenagers.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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I do not know why, but for years, I hated doing the laundry. When Eden was born, I was amazed how many clothes a tiny baby could change. When the kids started going to school, with the need to have their uniform clean for school, I hated it even more. I think I always had this feeling that I was constantly washing clothes. No, I did not have to do it by hand or spin the washing machine by hand, but it sure felt like it. If you hate laundry too, this tip is for you.

It all started one day when we lived in Sunnyvale, California. We wanted Eden to go to a good school with the children of many of our friends, so we moved to an apartment complex that was not as good as the one we lived in. It was farther away from Gal's work, our unit was smaller in size, it had an old-style kitchen, our apartments was on the second floor, it had only one covered parking space and it did not have room for or permission to install a washer and a dryer. We had to go to a communal laundry room that was about 20 meters from our house. I could manage with lots of the disadvantages (there were advantages too), but not with the need to collect the laundry and walk with big baskets to the communal room (like you would do in a caravan park). I was pregnant and it sucked. Then, I had a tiny baby and it sucked even more.

Well, after complaining about it a lot (and telling myself "Stop complaining, you knew it was going to be like this and you've still chosen to move"), I figured I needed to make it work. Soon after we moved, Tsoof was born, I had piles of baby clothes and my parents came to visit for a month, so I had their clothes to wash too. To make it bearable, I picked a day of the week that was usually empty in the communal laundry room and I used all washers and dryers in the room at once. Soon enough, I realized how great that was, because it took me 5 minutes to put the clothes into 4-6 washers at once, 5 minutes to move them to the dryers and 15 minutes to put them back in the baskets (mostly folded). It was much better than doing it bit by bit every day.

The next place we lived in was a huge house in Bangkok, Thailand. I had all the time in the world. Tsoof was 5 months old and I could do the laundry whenever I wanted, but I missed the communal laundry room in Sunnyvale. When I thought about it, I realized that what upset me was thinking about laundry. Thinking about it every day took more energy than actually doing it and this was when the "one laundry day a week" came to life.

We have a big basket of laundry that we wash on Saturday morning, one load after another. Some people might say it sounds even worse for them to do the laundry for a whole day, but I find it has many advantages:

1. There are enough clothes to divide them by color and do full loads of washing.
2. Every family member knows that if they need something, they need to make sure it is in the laundry basket on time, instead of asking, "Mom, are you going to do the washing today?" and be frustrated they do not have the shirt they need for their practice/performance/date.
3. You have everything (especially school uniforms) ready for Monday morning.
4. You take 4-6 loads of washing off the clothesline at the same time (saves time).
5. You only fold clothes and put them away once a week. We have turned this bit into one of our family quality times. We horse around, throw socks at one another and sing while we fold.
6. If you use a dryer, your clothes can dry while you are washing the next load.
7. The washing is done on the weekend when everyone is home, so everyone can help (even my 10-year-old can divide the clothes, scoop the powder and push the buttons) and it is not a parents' job in the kid's eyes.
8. The children get an increased sense of independence and learn a life skill.

Whichever way you do it, your work is very similar, but in the one-day washing approach, you think about it a lot less. So take a load off and do your laundry once a week.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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With the very hectic and full lifestyle that we have today, remembering everything that needs to be done occupies a very important and limited space in our memory. If you ask parents to sit down and write the entire to-do list for the week, most of them could do it for 3 hours straight.

Of course, the more kids you have at home, the more memory space you need for your timetable and tasks. You need to remember the dates of rehearsals, what to bring to school, when to pay for the dance class, to call your sister, say happy birthday to your friend, coordinate an outing with your partner, get a babysitter, have enough money in your wallet/purse when you go to the market, to buy a gift for the party your daughter is invited to on the weekend, go over the spelling with your child before the exam, send the right uniform on the excursion day, change the pickup time, dentist appointment, add turmeric to the shopping list for the Moroccan dish planned for Friday and ... the list is endless.

We have a good friend that says, "The opposite of forgetting is writing down", but what happens when you need to remember something while you are driving or when you are in bed, ready to go to sleep?

The thought of going to look for a piece of paper and a pen is probably going to make you reject the idea of writing it down and you will overload your memory again.

In the car

When I drive on my own, I get to think a lot about my to-do list. Luckily, my memory is very well organized. I can go in my mind to a certain time of day, imagine myself there easily and remember what I need to do or what things I need to complete an assignment. Not everyone is like that, so sometimes, writing a single word on a piece of paper is enough to remind you what needs to be done.

Make sure you have a notepad and a pen in your car and make sure you take any notes you have written with you when you leave the car.

In bed

Going to sleep is the time when I am most relaxed and all the things I need to remember pop up. The human memory works best where we are calm, so that is no surprise.

Writing down what we need to remember will make your sleep better if you put your thoughts on the paper and no longer have to carry them in your memory. If you remember something when you are in bed and the lights are off, get up, turn the lights on and write it down. Have a pad and a pen/pencil next to your bed.

Make sure to take your notes with you when you wake up in the morning.

You will often find that when you are fresh from a good sleep, you will wake up with more ideas about things to do. Write them down too. You do not have to hold them in your memory until you do them. You can always carry them on a piece of paper instead.

Next to the phone

Having a piece of paper and a pen next to the phone make sense, because we often need to write down numbers and other details when we are on the phone.

It is also important to teach all members of the family to take notes and notify others when someone calls and looks for them. It is embarrassing when one of your kids complains you have forgotten to let them know they were invited to a party. It is annoying when someone else gets a message for you and then forgets it.

On the fridge

The fridge is a good central place to post notes, messages for others in the household and, of course, the shopping list.

Writing the shopping list gradually is a great way to free up lots of memory space in every parent's brain. Write down "dishwasher tablets" 1 week before the run out, "milk" when you open the last bottle, "garbage bags" when you use one and you see there are only 5-6 left in the roll, etc.

Shopping is also much faster when you have a list and you tend to shop less with your hunger or imagination without constantly wondering "Do we have enough toilet paper?"

I ask the kids to write things on the list whenever they want something, when they discover that something is about to run out and when I am too far away or my hands are wet. This way, they develop this great habit too, everybody gets what they want and nobody needs to remember.

In the toilets

As I said, whenever we relax, we remember things better. Going to the toilet makes many people remember what they need to do. Since you cannot just get up and walk to the fridge, you should always have a piece of paper and a pen in the toilet, so you can them it whenever you want to keep something from slipping out of your memory.

At the entrance

A notepad at the entrance to your home can be used to send messages to each other. Our 22-year-old daughter Eden often comes home late and we leave messages for her. We use a small whiteboard to write love letters, requests and things to do for each other. Sometimes, it is just love messages and other times, it is information about the day after that she needs to be aware of. When Gal and I go out and she gets home before we do, she writes us notes and it is great fun to find them.

Work desk

You place of work is the most important place to have a writing pad. It is also important that the pad at work is not just a piece of paper that can get lost in the pile of other papers. You can have it in different color paper, stamped or with lines, but you have to know that this kind of paper is where you collect all the ideas and your to-do list and that you cannot ignore it.

When it is time to stop working and there is something we still need to take care of, I put a note on my laptop and Gal puts his on his keyboard, so when we get there in the morning, we see it before we turn the computer on and take care of it first.

Make your own notepads

In our family, we have notepads everywhere. I have taken all our recycled paper, stapled or glued it and cut it in half to make writing pads from it. Notepads do not have to be fancy. They just need to be available. Now, my kids use them as much as I do.

For a little space in your memory, I think this is a very handy tip.

Have an organized day,
Ronit

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If you hear parents tell you that kids are an obstacle for them, I can tell you that having kids is a bad excuse for not doing business. When the kids grow up and leave the house, they will be left with their excuses. So when they have to explain why they have never done what they have always wanted to do, they will start saying, "It's too late now", which is just another excuse.

If you are thinking of starting a business and will need to juggle business and family, it is a good idea to discover what you will have to do to succeed at it. Some people are not cut out to own and operate a business. Others do not know how to balance a home and a business. Managing your business, your home and your parenting well requires some skills and attitudes that will determine the success of your business, the quality of your family life and even your health.

Unlike people who do not have kids, business parents risk a lot more than their own time and money. They risk their relationships with their partners and with their kids, as well as the quality of preparation their kids get for life. You go into business because you want a better life for your kids, not to destroy your relationship with your kids, so do it right!

Qualities of bad business people

Here is a list of qualities and behaviors that will prevent you from making it in business and what you can do instead. Read carefully. If you find any item that describes how you operate, make an effort to change before investing in a business. If you are already in a business, this is even more important.

1. Reactive - cannot predict anything and do not think ahead. Reactive people behave like the Fire Brigade and try to put out fires instead of preventing them. They are always surprised when things happen, because they do not plan ahead. Think ahead. Visualize. Conceptualize. Play with scenarios in your mind. Have a good system that can tell you to pay attention to things ahead of time. We send our subscribers a newsletter every month on the 15^th. We cannot afford to wake up on the 15^th and say, "Oh, I have a newsletter to write and prepare". We have computer reminders and we write and schedule things in advance. In business, many things cannot be predicted, but many can be. Have things ready well ahead of time.
2. Lacking long, medium or short-term goals. Nobody can achieve goals without having them. You go into business to succeed. You have to have a definition of what success means to you. You have to build up to that success by setting and achieving short, medium and long-term goals. They are your success plan.
3. Being busy with details and never having enough time. The feeling of not having time means they do not manage their time properly. You can predict how this affects the way they manage their family life too. Having good time management is essential to running a family as much as to running a business. If you hear yourself saying often, "I don't have time", stop and do something about it. You may be planning too much, you may not be effective or your sense of priority may need adjusting.
4. Avoiding decisions. When the decisions are tough, some people wait for their circumstances to change and save them from making a choice. Remember, not making a decision is a choice. Good business people do not give circumstances the power to determine their life. They make decisions even if they are tough and keep learning from the outcomes.
5. Making a fuss out of little things. Some people find it hard to distinguish between what is important and what requires letting go. If you declare a "red alert" for every tiny thing, no wonder your life looks like a battle zone. If you are such a person, use a rating system. On a scale of 1-10, how big is this issue? Or on a scale of 1-10, how important is this for me? Then, choose your battles. Deal with the important things and fit the rest in-between or let them go.
6. Having a desk full of documents and not prioritizing. If you look at some people's desk, you will see a jumble of bills, articles, bank statements, private letters and even things they have no use for. Put some order into your documents. Have a place for everything. Have a filing system for documents. On average, people go over each document 6 times. That is a waste of a lot of time you could be spending with your kids. Decide what to do about each document and then file it or throw it away. The order and the space on you desk will clear your mind.
7. Not delegating and trying to do everything by themselves. Some people never ask for help. When you are in business and have kids, you cannot be superman or superwoman, so get help. Let someone else do the things you cannot. If your time is worth X, pay someone else whose time is worth less than X to do the accounts, the cleaning or the stock taking. You may pay the same by the hour, but if they get twice as much done in that time, you save.
8. Doing things manually ("the old fashioned way"). Some people avoid spending money on things that can make them more productive. An electric saw may cost more than a hand saw, but if your job is cutting timber, it will make you heaps faster and pay for itself 10 times every week. Get better tools. Buy software, books, machines and other technology that will speed up your work.
9. Working 10-14 hours a day. Working at night or staying overtime often is a sign of poor time management. If you do extra work regularly, you will burn out. Decide how many hours you work and stick to it. If you need to work more than 8 hours, try doing it after the kids are in bed. You do not want them to see you working all the time. They might thing you have no life and learn from you. If you need to give extra time, plan it ahead. Get the kids to a weekend sleepover at the grandparents or with friends and do some extra work.
10. Stretching boundaries to the point of addiction with "I will do just one more thing". Some people stay at work and keep reading "just one more email" or "just making that last change" when it is time to go home. Others stay up and watch "just to the end of this show", then find themselves tired and grumpy the following day. When you run your own business, work never ends. There is always "one more thing" to do. Let go! Stop on time. Switch to "family mode". Take care of yourself. Stick to your boundaries.
11. Having a black and white mentality. Some people are not flexible with their requirements and expectations. They are constantly frustrated, because life is full of "shades of gray", not black and white. This is a rigid mindset and gets them into lots of problems. Flexible businesses respond faster to market changes and succeed where rigid ones fail. Learn to compromise and accept a variety of situations and people.
12. Being perfectionists. Some people talk about "the right solution" instead of "a practical", "a possible" or "a manageable" solution. Again, that makes them very frustrated and others view them as snappy and anti-social, which makes it harder to do business with them. Life is never perfect, if only because different people expect different things. Go for "good enough" and do the best you can do under the circumstances, even if it is not "perfect".
13. Always finding someone to blame for problems, difficulties and challenges. If something goes wrong and you always talk about whose fault it is, you are suffering from the blame disease. People do not like doing business with those who do not take responsibility. Take responsibility!
14. Seeing a bad and sad future, complaining and finding problems and faults. Again, people do not like being around complainers. Just stop complaining or use the rubber band technique. Put a rubber band on your wrist and flick it and experience pain every time you complain. After a while, it will slow down. When you look at the bright side, your life and your business will be bright.
15. Taking work home. Mixing work and home can be dangerous, because it blurs the lines and makes it easier to extend work at the expense of home. Even if you decide to work from home, have a separate area for work and "go home" when the workday is over.
16. Not taking time to rejuvenate. Some people wear themselves down by working non-stop. Weekends are precious, so use them for rest. Take a few days off for fun and relaxation every 3 months. Take a longer holiday once a year.
17. Trying to be friendly with everyone. Some people just want to be nice and do not know how to set boundaries with clients, suppliers, employees and even their children. At some point, they start feeling abused and their self-esteem starts to drop, along with their performance. In business, you must set prices and you must set policies. Learn to be nice within reason and to be firm when you need to be.
18. Trying to avoid paying Tax and forgetting to make money. Taxes are paid on income and even when you pay 40% taxes, you get to keep 60% of what you make, which is better than nothing. I want to pay $1,000,000 in tax every year, because it will mean I am making a lot of money. Accept taxes as part of life and get on with making money. In fact, look at a high tax amount as an indication you are doing well.

In a way, running a family is similar to running a business. If you have the right skills and attitudes, you can do both of them well. If someone tells you that you cannot do both, do not listen, because you can! Kids are a wonderful source of motivation to succeed in business. Mine have always been and still are every day.

Going into business has advantages and disadvantages. If you are a family man/woman, the risk is greater, but the reward is greater still. I always thought that having kids makes my business success greater as my three kids also enjoy the rewards of my success every day. I am happy, they are happy and I increase the chance they will one day possess the skills to run their own businesses after having a good role model.

Be successful!
Ronit

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I was a discriminated as a girl. I was one of four girls in a family with one son who was considered "the prince". As funny as it may seem, he was considered the prince by my mom and not by my dad. The boys in the neighborhood did not want me to play soccer with them, until I took a group of girls with me to challenge them in a soccer match and we won. Once, when I wanted to learn ballet, my mom said no dance school would accept me because I was bruised all over from playing soccer and fighting with the boys on the street. I certainly did not live in a place with a lot of gender equity. There were things that boys did and things that girls did and I did not like it one bit.

When I designed my parenting bible, after studying about the psychological development of babies and our social gender trap, I made a decision (I think a brave decision) to raise my kids to respect the other gender and to think they are free to be whatever they want to be without being confined to what boys or girls are expected to do. Acceptance and freethinking starts from a very early age and I am very happy that my kids never talked about "boy germs" or "girl germs" and they are all proud and happy with their gender.

I have to say that I have learned from my dad many of my gender-related bible commandments. He was an awesome role model for social justice and gender equity. He cooked, cleaned, took care of us as babies and later on as kids, when my mom left home very early in the morning. My dad helped us with homework and was (still is) a very arty-crafty man who enjoyed doing woodwork, jewelry, cross-stitching and silk paintings and scarves. Whenever my mom gave my brother exemptions from cleaning, dishwashing or doing laundry, my dad always said my brother must do his fair share.

When I had time to think about gender equity, I used my dad as a role model and decided to add to my bible some do's and don'ts that will help me raise kids who think their gender was not a way to be superior or inferior.

1. When you buy clothes for your kids, even as babies, buy clothes in mixed colors - do not be tempted to buy pink for girls and blue for boys. You may limit their creativity with that. Doing it to fulfill others' expectations is not worth the price of raising stereotypical kids.
2. Encourage all your kids (boys and girls) to play with dolls - symbolic games are very important for kids' psychological development, regardless of gender. Kids use the dolls to sort out their emotional challenges by playing Mommy and Daddy and re-enacting troubling scenes from their life. Do not be trapped in the stereotypical world of "girls play with dolls and makeup and boys play violent games with scary creatures that kill each other". Do not connect in your kids' minds that boys sort out their emotions by hurting someone and girls sort out their emotions by caring for others. Let your kids do what comes naturally and just watch, because their games will reveal a lot to you about what they need and how you can help them.
3. It is part of your role as a parent to expose all your kids (boy and girls) to different sporting activities - do not limit your kids to any physical activity associated with one gender. Girls can play soccer (I did!) and boys can dance (my son Tsoof is a great dancer). Do not ever take the risk that your child's talent will be wasted because of society's disability.
4. Expose your kids (boys and girls) to music and art activities regardless of the stereotypical social expectations - our society has disabled the creativity in music and art by associating them with gender. Girls can play the drums and boys can play the harp. Girls can do metal sculptures and boys can be excellent with fine. I want my kids to think the world is there to grab whatever they want from it without self-imposed limits.
5. To raise kids who think there is equality between men and women, expect everyone (boys and girls) to take part in keeping your home clean and participating - make sure your kids, both boys and girls, think that the norm is that both husband and wife are equal contributors in managing the house and taking care of the kids. Make sure you and your partner change diapers, wash the kids, help them with homework and take part in cooking and cleaning the house. If you raise kids who believe this is the right way, you increase their chances of finding partners who think the same and of being equal in their future relationships.
6. There are expectations in our society for girls to perform lower in science and math. There are expectations in our society for boys to perform lower in social interactions. Expect your girls to do well in math and science and your boys to have excellent social skills, regardless of what their teachers expect of them - do not give your boys and girls any discounts on their quest for a happy life. Every time you exempt them from something, you take away from them the potential to be more than what society expects them to be. Why would you compromise on such mediocrity?
7. Do not accept any stereotypical statements from anyone, like, "All boys are…" or "Girls only care about…" Reject those statements and if your kids hear them, always give a contradicting example. Just because the majority of girls or boys does something in a certain way (which I doubt anyway) will never dictate my kid's choices. My oldest daughter is an excellent student in logic and math, my son is excellent in art and my youngest daughter wants to be a scientist. Not all girls care only about their looks and not all boys buy every gadget they see.
8. Encourage boys to cook - eating is something your son will have to do all his life and if you want him to be independent, take care of himself and possibly live longer with his partner, help him understand that cooking is part of life and that it is fun. You will save him many years of heartache and arguments about stereotypical behaviors that destroy many relationships in our society. One school holiday, Tsoof watched several TV cooking programs with male chefs and decided to go shopping and cook us a treat. We licked our fingers and he now considers himself able to cook. In fact, he makes Fettuccine Carbonara to die for.
9. Encourage your girls to use a hammer, a drill and a lawn mower - it is sad that in our society, women are in charge inside the house and men are in charge outside. Girls can do anything! Boys can do anything! In the house and the best way to make them understand this is to give them opportunities to see that they are able. 10-year-old Noff has already used some scary power tools and helped Gal build wooden cabinets by drilling, screwing and hammering.
10. Boys and girls needs both gender role models - make sure your daughter and son have an individual time with you and individual time with your partner that is dedicated to having fun. This individual time is not for you to tell your daughter or son how boys and girls need to behave. It is for you to be you and give them yourself in the purest and most honest way that will allow them to be inspired.

The topic of gender is very important to me, because s I believe we live in a society that holds our kids back from living their full potential. I have been lucky to be raised in a house where my dad was an inspiration of gender equity. My goal is that my kids will be an inspiration to their kids in this matter and if we want to achieve this, we need to start with ourselves.

More of my parenting rulebook next week, so come back and read.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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To many of us, it means we feel trapped. We often hear or read the term "rat race" as a description for the way we live - like rats in somebody's lab, running around, trying to find a way out or get to the reward at the end of a confusing and frightening maze. Trouble is we do not even know whose lab we are in and we feel helpless and out of control.

In his excellent book, The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference, Malcolm Gladwell describes some fascinating events and research about how our environment affects our behavior and the behavior of those around us. Sometimes, it can drive a man to kill, but when managed well, it can lower the crime rate and improve the lives of many people. He calls this "The power of context".

The book highlights some things that we can all use to regain control of our lives, improve the quality of our time on Earth and make the world a better place for our children and even for other people around us.

One research examined the effects of news about suicide on the rate of suicide. Turns out that after the papers report a suicide, there are more suicides than usual. In fact, the rate of increase is predictable by the number of days following the news.

Going a step further, the research found an increase in car accidents following suicide notices in the papers in the same predictable pattern.

The truly amazing thing is that those subsequent events matched the details of the stories about the suicides, so articles about single young people taking their own life inspired single young people to kill themselves, using the reported methods, and other young people to drive their car to their death. When the papers told about a murder-suicide, more family men drove their cars into other people's cars, killing themselves along with their families.

The book claims that we all have stress and discomfort in our life - long work hours, financial pressure, health problems, relationship issues, etc - and we are always on the lookout for an outlet or a way to stop the pain. Reading about somebody else's "solution" gives us both a way to do it and the permission to do it.

Now consider other things we read about in the papers, hear on the radio, see in our email inbox or watch on the evening TV news - the global financial crisis, soldiers dying in the war in Iraq, planes flying into buildings, inflation, rising prices of gasoline, crime everywhere, celebrities divorcing, gaining weight or losing weight. Add to that the non-stop barrage of advertising - drink this, pop this pill, put this on your face, you really must or horrible things will happen to you. Argh!!!

So tip #1 is:

Disconnect from bad news

Decide what is important for you to know, subscribe to services that only provide that and filter out all the rest.

In another section, Gladwell describes research into the effects of various environmental components on the kids' success in life and their likelihood to become criminals. Turns out the neighborhood has a stronger impact on kids than their parents do.

What?!

Absolutely true. Scientifically proven. Homes have a great influence on young people and parents are important role models, but the social circle and physical environment in which kids grow up are massively important to their life choices.

It is because of something called "the broken window effect".

You see, when a window is broken on the street, people walking by notice it. After a while, if the window is not fixed, they conclude that whoever owns that window does not care. The likelihood of another window being broken in the vicinity increases dramatically, leading to further increases, until the neighborhood becomes a place where broken windows are the norm and breaking windows is OK.

In New York City, this idea was used to reverse subway crime and reduce the overall crime rate significantly within just a few years. By cleaning the subways cars, keeping their walls free of graffiti and then clamping down on fare beating (jumping over the turnstiles without paying), people's attitude towards the subway environment gradually changed. They started to care, so they stopped vandalizing and they stopped hurting one another.

So tip #2 is:

Live in a good, clean, well-organized environment

Move to a good neighborhood, choose to work in a well-run organization, enroll your children into good schools and keep your home neat and tidy.

Consider all the areas of your life and put them in order.

With me so far? Great, because The Tipping Point continues with the amazing discovery of the social limit of 150.

Anthropologists have shown a strong correlation between the size of the neo-cortex (the part of the brain involved in complex thinking) in primates and the size of their group. What happens when the family/tribe gets too large is they begin to scuffle until some of the members go somewhere else and form their own group, leaving the existing group small enough to handle.

The idea is that social interactions require the most complex sort of thinking by far and that the complexity goes up very quickly. In a group of 3, there are only 3 connections. In a group of 4, there are 6. In a group of 5, there are 10. In a group of 50, there are 1,225 connections and 150 people need to keep track of 11,175 interpersonal relationships.

It gets too much at that point and people start to form smaller groups - cliques, clubs and in-crowds - and we all know how that usually ends up. On a larger scale, we get wars.

Some companies have experimented with this principle and have limited the size of their office buildings or factories to fit only 150 employees. The cohesion achieved is nothing short of amazing, making every interaction in the workplace based mostly on personal contact and human relationships, rather than a formal hierarchy and external targets.

So tip #3 is:

Limit work and study to 150 people

Rather than getting lost in a large organization, choose one with 150 or fewer people (as far as interactions go). Rather than your kids getting into strife in a large school, choose one with a combination of 150 or fewer classmates and teachers.

Consider the environments where your family members spend their time now. Each person's social environment is defined by the people they are in contact with on a regular basis. Personal friction, separatism, in-groups and snobbery are all signs of too many people in the same social scene. That family member would be better off in a smaller social setting, where everyone can easily keep track of their relationships with others.

Just to be clear, you can go too small here. Working from home has its own issues and may result in a feeling of disconnect and isolation. The same may be true for home schooling without hobbies or playgroups.

However, as someone who has worked at home, in small companies, medium-sized ones and really big ones, I can tell you that smaller environments lack the intense politics, competition and employee devaluing of larger ones and feel a lot more personal. Just think of the term "family business" and it brings a smile to your face, as opposed to "corporation" or "big brand".

For a warm, cozy feel, choose smaller environments in which to work and study.

By managing your life's context, you can escape the rat race. Yes, you can!

Happy living,
Gal

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I added the connection between food and health to my bible after a huge pain of trying very hard to get rid of Eden's pneumonia when she was just an 18-month-old baby. By the time she was 2 years old, Eden had been sick with pneumonia 3 times already and had been constantly on antibiotics and inhalers. Before those scary 6 months, I had never thought about what I ate and had just gone to the supermarket and bought the same things my parents and Gal's parents had.

One of my friends, who was trying to help me, told me Eden should eat certain things and avoid eating others to improve her health. I thought she was not normal (which was true, but in a good sense) and that food had nothing to do with germs and health problems. It was only later, when we discovered Eden was sensitive to dairy food, that I realized just how tight the relationship between food and health was.

Food, and only food, was the difference between having a very sick girl (with pneumonia that 6 months of antibiotics could not fix) and having a healthy girl that went to see the doctor only once in the following 20 years. Food, and only food, was the difference between being anemic and having a healthy iron level. During my second, third, fourth and fifth pregnancies, while every other woman had to take iron tablets, my iron level was strong and stable, even the doctor was shocked. Food, and only food, was the difference between Gal having sinus surgery to unblock his nose and not needing that surgery until today.

I figured that since my goal was to have healthy kids, what goes and does not go into their precious bodies was going to be in my parenting bible.

1. Expose your kids to eating a variety of food and they will not be fussy eaters. Fussy eating is an eating disorder that will make their life hard. Make sure you are not a fussy eater yourself if you want to raise adventurous eaters. I was a fussy eater and Gal is totally the opposite. When Eden was about 4½ years old, we moved to Texas and started eating out a lot. As long as we ate at home, everything was easy - I made the food and we ate it - but when I had to choose what to eat at a restaurant (good food, not junk), I realized how fussy I was, so I made a choice to try something new every time I ate out and taste from everyone else's plates. It is OK not to like the taste of something, but it is not OK not to try. This has been in my bible for 17 years, I have 3 kids who are very adventures with food and I am proud to say I am now adventurous too.
2. Do not prepare special food for each member of your family - a home is not a restaurant. This sends a message that fussiness is acceptable. Food disorders should never be a way for kids to get attention. When I had an early childhood center, I asked the mothers to take turns bringing food for all of the kids. One mom did not want to participate and said her daughter was so fussy she would never eat anything the other moms made and would stay hungry. She had 4 kids and in-laws living with her and when she prepared food for them, she would make 7 different meals. Her family members were so fussy that she did not work outside the home and all she did was care for the kids and make food. I convinced her to let her daughter participate in our food exchange program and 3 days later, she said it was unbelievable that her 2½-year-old daughter ate cucumbers, tomatoes and cheese at home. I realized that her parenting bible contained the rule that being a good mother meant making everyone whatever they wanted to eat and I said to myself, "This is NOT going into my bible. Everyone eats what's on the table".
3. Never give food rewards - most of the world's obesity and the emotional struggles of people to lose weight are caused by their association of food with reward and comfort. Save your kids from this lifelong heartache. Verbal affirmations and hugs are the best rewards and if you need something tangible, stickers and balloons will make your kids plenty happy (and healthy).
4. Do not serve desert in home meals - there is no need to eat something sweet at the end of every meal. If kids (and grownups) get used to finishing a meal with a sweet, it will be hard for them to stop it. If you really have to, serve fruit as the best sweet to finish your dinner.
5. Water is the essence of life - drink plenty of water. Most health problems are associated with dehydration. Make sure you drink 1 liter of water for every 22kg (48lbs) of weight. I learned this rule from my Reiki Master when I lived in Singapore and for many years, I have confirmed it over and over again. My youngest daughter becomes asthmatic when she is dehydrated. If I tell her she must stand next to me and drink water before she is allowed to do anything else, within couple of hours, she is perfect. Drink plenty of water!
6. Stay away from food colors - I learned this rule during my special education studies. During childhood, I loved everything that had colors. The more colorful it was, the testier it was for me. During my studies, I discovered so many learning difficulties and health problems related to food colors that I added not having them to my parenting bible. Food colors are poison! I know that not all of them are, but I believe it is safest to try and avoid them all.
7. Have junk events - go out for some junk food or bringing junk food home from time to time to stop your kids' craving for it and take the sting out of eating it. I learned this on myself. In my family, we hardly ever had any ice cream. It was expensive and my parents bought it only on special occasions. Loving it and not having it turned it into a need, rather than a want. When Gal and I moved in together, I went to the supermarket and bought every flavor of ice cream in the freezer (our fridge had about 6-7 kinds at all times) and ate it for months. It was not wise and certainly not healthy, so I stopped after a while. Save your kids such struggles. Junk is OK as long as it is eaten in proportion.
8. Make the most of your meals at home - you never know what others add to the food, but you can guarantee that what your kids eat at home is healthy. I learned that from my mom who was a chef and told us what was added to the food to make it last longer and look better at restaurants and food factories.
9. Find a fresh food market and buy your family's food there - if the refrigerator is full of fruits and vegetables, the whole family will eat more fruits and vegetables. Take your kids shopping with you, teach them how to choose good food, let them pick their favorites and get them to wash and store the produce so they feel part of the process.
10. If you do not buy it, your kids will not eat it - if you do not want your kids to eat something, do not buy it. By the time they have enough money to do their own shopping, they will have healthy eating habits that will stop them buying junk even if they can afford it.

Come back next week for Ronit's Parenting Bible rules on babies.

Happy parenting!
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Raise Food-Smart Kids
• The "Light Thinking" Diet
• Don’t eat and run

I would like to encourage you to listen to many other parents and their parenting tips, because you will learn a lot from them, not only because they have great rules but because they have some really bad ones. As you listen, look for a correlation between what they do and what happens to them and their children as a result.

I have designed my bible by looking at my own parents, Gal's parents, my extended family and my friends and by studying special education and life coaching. I have made connections and said, "This tip goes into my bible and this one stays out".

For example, I had friends who were in continuous negotiation with their kids. Whenever I was around them, I felt like I was in a war zone. Everyone was in a position of lack and bargained all the time. So I made a choice to enter negotiating with my kids to my bible on the "Don't" side. To make it even stronger, I found an alternative commandment. Instead of, "Don't bargain with your kids, because you are not equal", I entered, "You are the captain of your family ship, with all the privileges and responsibilities. Act like one!" This obviously does not mean the kids do not try to bargain (oh, they do!), but whenever the bargaining begins, I remind myself that I need to act like a captain and that my rule is law.

Another example of designing my bible based on things I have seen is the working on the weekend commandments. When I was young, my mom had to work on Saturdays, which was the only weekend day. She did not like it, but she was a chef and had a roster with the other chefs (everyone wanted the weekend off). That always hurt our quality time, because my dad felt guilty she was at work and did not want us to do anything fun without her. So our fun time was subject to my mom's weekend roster. On weekends, everyone did their own things and we did not have much time to do things as a family. Because of that, I have added to my commandments to avoid working on weekend. Gal and I have had many opportunities that require weekend work and we have declined most of them. This does not mean we never do any work on weekends. It only means that making it a lifestyle sits in our bible on the "Don't" side, while the "Do" side includes "Make weekends bonding time for the family. Do your best to have meals and have fun together. This is when great memories are born".

Here are my next 10 "commandments" about love. I hope they will help you find yours.

1. Hug your kids and touch them as much as you can - there is no age limit for hugging and kissing your kids. Have rituals at home that will encourage kids to be happy and proud to hug, kiss and walk hand in hand with a sibling or a parent. First, you need to be happy and proud of it yourself.
2. Hug and kiss your kids and show them affection in public. There is an important statement in showing love, appreciation and affection in public and the sooner you start, the easier it is to pass smoothly through the risky zone of the teenage years. It is cool to love your family members.
3. At the same time, never ever shame your kids in public. It is a form of bullying and an abuse of power. If you have an issue with them, resolve it without putting social pressure on them through humiliation. If you do use this technique, it is a sign you are weak! Do not be surprised if your kids use it against you. After all, they learn from the best…
4. Take your kids to see other places around the world - leaving your comfort zone is the best way to sharpen their perspective and the bonding opportunities are endless. Traveling also builds self-confidence and the photos provide many opportunities to strengthen it further.
5. Tell your kids how much you love them every day - regardless of their love language. Love is a learned concept. We learn about love from the people who are close to us and you are the closest person to your children. Every time you express your love for your kids, you reassure them that regardless of their skills, abilities, experience or looks, you will always love them.
6. Telling your kids you love them is important, but it is not enough. Show them your unconditional love. Tell them you will love them even if they fail. Kids do not come with a "return to manufacturer if faulty" warranty, so do not try to convince them anyone ever gave you this warranty (in fact, you are the manufacturer and kids are still "in production"). They are yours even if they do not meet your expectations. Unconditional love is when they know all their life that you will come looking for them if they ever get lost on the other side of the world (doing silly things).
7. Make sure your kids get enough sleep - there is plenty of research to show that kids who sleep well are more successful. In fact, many of the problems people have are caused by sleep deprivation, which causes the body to go into stress. Many teen behaviors are related to lack of sleep, so before deciding your teens are "hormonal" (or your kids are "naughty"), make sure they are getting 8-9 hours a sleep every night.
8. Whenever your children are stubborn, be happy - treat stubbornness as a sign they will be strong-minded and persistent. "Stubborn" is what we call our kids when they do the opposite of what we think they should do. We call them "persistent" when we discover we were wrong…
9. When kids misbehave, notice that it means they do not fit into your standards of behaviors. Do not be tempted to use " right" and "wrong" statement as the your standards of behavior is not the ultimate "right"
10. Instill in your kids the belief they are strong and quick to heal. Your motto should be "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you are right!" When your kids are sick, make sure they drink plenty of water, pump them with vitamin C, make sure they sleep well and teach them to mediate. These 4 actions are sure cures to overcome many illnesses. All your kids need to do is believe that they are.

Next week, I will tell you my parenting rules about food.

Happy parenting!
Ronit

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• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Who’s in Charge?
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At first, I smiled and said, "No, not really", because I do not believe there is such a thing as a parenting rulebook for everyone. But as we talked more, I realized I actually had. With nearly 800 blog posts over the past 4 years, Family Matters is kind of my parenting bible - my personal rules for parenting.

When I asked Jane, "Why would you like to have my parenting bible?" she said something that surprised me. She said, "After a whole day in a workshop with you, I realized that when you talk about your beliefs, you talk about them with such conviction, no wonder you are happy with your parenting. I learned from you today that I needed to write my own bible and I need some ideas and some help with the format".

I have to say I was very relieved when Jane said she was going to write her own version. You see, reading about someone else's rules is not enough to make you adopt them. It is not enough to know the "commandments", you need to accept or reject them to make them your own. You need to go through the process of adopting them and making them part of your life philosophy and that takes time and effort. A parenting rulebook becomes your bible only after you have convinced yourself that it works for you.

I told Jane she could read all the articles on the site, but as I said that, I realized it might take her a long time, so when I came home, I made the decision to write a "parenting bible" - things that I believe make my parenting a happy experience for me and my children.

Starting today, I am writing my rules of parenting, including "do" and "don't", but I really believe it is important for each parent to make their own choices, because there is no one-size-fits-all. In fact, I think that the using my "bible" to design your own is a great idea.

1. Parents are sales people - they sell their parenting philosophy every day. Accept this as part of the job description. Learn your craft well. Kids who are very happy and have good relationships with their parents have "bought" your "product".
2. You are the captain of your family ship, with all the privileges and responsibilities, so act like one! It is not always easy to be in charge, but the easy things are not necessarily the best for you. Make the tough calls when you have to.
3. Do not bargain with your kids on how to parent them. It may get you into a war with them and cause them to do only things that bring immediate rewards. You are not equal to your kids. You are the adult and they are the children. Make sure you remember that and the will too.
4. When your kids bargain with you about rules and boundaries and you feel like you are in the market, bargaining on fruits or vegetables, be very happy and proud of them. Most of their life, they are going to bargain for their rights and it is just fair that they use you to practice their bargaining skills.
5. Parenting is a manipulating act - As part of your job description, you need to manipulate them to think and believe that they are beautiful, talented, smart, friendly, flexible, sensitive and generally fabulous. If you do not like the idea of manipulating your kids, tough! You took on that job and you cannot quit! Their happiness depends on how well you have convinced them they are happy.
6. When communicating to your kids, tell them what you want, instead of what you do not want. Try eliminating the words "don't", "no" and "stop" from your vocabulary as much as you can, because this sends a very unclear message as to their options (see Beware of Pink Elephants).
7. Be involved in your kids' education - get to know their teachers, follow up on their assignments and help them develop good learning habits. Never leave the responsibility for your kids' education in the hands of their teachers. Consistency is king in education and unlike having 100 different teachers during 12 or 13 years of schooling, you are the most consistent thing in your children's life. Be responsible for educating your kids!
8. Encourage your kids to play a musical instrument - research shows that kids who play music from primary school are over 30% better in their academic endeavors by the end of high school. It is a better investment than sending them to a private school and it enriches their life and expands their horizons.
9. Play with your kids as much as you can - playing is quality time for kids and they will cherish it for many years to come. But playing will also keep you young and help you keep up with the changes in the world.
10. Love cooking and make it a fun activity - teach your kids to enjoy a huge part of their life that there is no way to avoid. Bring them to the kitchen with you when they are babies, have fun, sing songs, explain to them what you do, let them experiment and give them responsibilities in the kitchen. Kids are not there to clean after you in the kitchen, they are there to learn valuable skills, discover the joy of cooking and develop a love for the kitchen.

If you would like to share with us some of your parenting "commandments", please use the comment box below.

Join me next week for my 10 more good parenting rules.

Happy parenting!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Love
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
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In their song Lifestyle of the Rich and the Famous, Good Charlotte sing about how celebrities complain all the time and say their life is hard, even though they have money, mansions and other things money can buy. By contrasting fame and fortune with living on the streets, this song reflects general public sentiment very well.

But it is not true.

If you have been anywhere near a TV set in the past few weeks, read any newspaper or even glanced at a magazine at the checkout line, you have seen them - Prince William and Kate Middleton. Their lives and upcoming wedding were covered from every angle and then, their wedding was covered in even more detail. Anyone who had anything to do with them at any time was interviewed ad nauseam and every bit was replayed over and over again.

We generally watch little television, but I happened to catch one of the programs on "Will and Kate", in which Prince William's life in college was covered, including a trip to Chile, where he roughed it out as a volunteer. There was footage of him first thing in the morning, barely awake, cooking porridge for everyone and narrating the whole thing, including the horrible taste of the porridge.

It clearly stood out from the program that Prince William was comfortable being famous and treated the film crew with respect. He was polite and composed and had a shy smile on his face most of the time.

When the program continued, someone from the media commented on how Kate started out being nice to journalists, but had grown impatient with them in the previous few weeks. That comment did not surprise me somehow. I had seen similar reports about many people who were new to celebrity.

I started to think that the main difference between Prince William and Kate is that Prince William was born a mega celebrity and simply grew into the role, whereas for Kate, being the subject of such a media frenzy was a new thing. I believe Kate was overwhelmed by what she was losing when she became a celebrity, while Prince William took it easy, because he had never had it and had lost nothing.

You see, when we sit in our humble home, surrounded by our family, after a day of normal work and school, we wish for the things we do not have, but we forget that everything has a price. We imagine the glamour, the glitz and the freedom afforded to those who have lots of money of fame, and we choose to ignore and downplay the things that go with them, such as super-high pressure, massive temptations and brutal invasion of privacy.

Being happy is not directly linked to the amount of money you have or to the number of people who recognize your face. Being happy is linked strongly to how kind you are to yourself and others (within your means) and how much people really care about you.

Money and fame can be vehicle to happiness. When used well, they can magnify everything you do. But in the incessant pursuit of money and fame, most people forget that they are only means and not the goal.

The real goal is happiness. It is everyone's real goal.

Ronit and I have been to many seminars on wealth creation, where we heard that in order to have a lot of money, you must love money. You must get excited by the thought of having piles and piles of it. And we were sitting there, thinking, "But we don't want money. We want to be happy. Money is just a magnifier of who we are and if we are money chasers, having money will just help us chase more money faster".

Because in life, you do not get what you want. You get what you focus on.

Would you rather have lots of money or a loving family?

Would you rather have a highly paid job, the industry's respect and long working hours or enough time to watch your kids grow and become wonderful people under your care and influence?

Would you rather come home to impeccable order and shiny new things or to a warm and lived-in place, where every item carries memories of precious events and people?

Would you rather eat lavishly with your boy- or girl-du-jour in the most expensive places to the sound of camera clicks and whispers of people who feel fortunate to be in your presence or have a quiet, romantic dinner with your childhood sweetheart at an affordable restaurant and whisper naughty things to each other because there is nobody hiding under your table with a recorder?

Would you rather live with people who want what you have and will do pretty much anything to get it or with people you can trust, who will drop everything and come to your aid when you need them?

Would you rather measure your self-worth by the amount of money they have, how often you are mentioned in the papers and the number of "friends" you have online or by the strength of your character and the happiness around you?

Ultimately, it is your choice. And you are making it every day. And what you say matters very little, because what you do always speaks louder.

As a parent, your kids will do what Prince William did. They will adapt.

They will notice your daily actions and your daily choices and believe them to be the best anyone can make. They will decide that if they want to be like Mommy and Daddy, they had better do the same. And they will start to put that into action right away, no matter what you say to them. Because what you do always speaks louder.

To really drive home the message that happiness is more important than anything else is, you must live this choice every day as a person and a parent. Your career, your home, your car, your habits and your behavior must reflect that choice.

Look around you slowly and deliberately and pay attention to the things that make you happy - familiar things that make you feel safe, toys and tools linked to pleasant memories and furniture that gives you a sense of belonging. Imagine the people in your life – your partner, your kids, your parents and your friends - and think of all the things they do for you - the smiles, the touches, the little services, the thoughtful presents, the special cards, the acceptance, the understanding, the support…

Are you smiling yet?

You just cannot buy these things with money or fame, can you?

Have a beautiful day,
Gal

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