Family Matters

Posts Tagged ‘holidays’

Sometimes, the Universe seems to conspire to make us do something. In this case, I think it wants me to write about how important fathers are in the life of their children. We keep focusing on parenting in this blog, but there is a difference between mothering and fathering, which we have not discussed much.

I have a friend who goes on a men’s camp every year. When his boys were young, he went by himself and felt very supported there. As soon as his boys turned 13 and were allowed to go with him, away they went together and spent a great time bonding – singing, dancing, doing physical exercise and watching performances. He has been nagging me to come with him on that camp for a few years now, saying there is something special about the freedom and “safe space” it provides.

So far, I have not gone.

In the past few months, Ronit worked with several boys whose father had died or spent a lot of time away from home. Whenever we talked about them, I kept having the feeling that although they were young (5 to 8 years old), they felt like little men. I felt they saw themselves as somewhat responsible for the wellbeing of their family and had to fill the very large shoes of their absent father.

That was not enough either.

This is the last post in the bullying series, at least for a while. Bullying is a big problem in our society and many people agree it is a very important one to solve. I believe that every bully is also a victim, that self-confidence is an antidote to becoming a victim of bullying and that parents hold the key to stopping child-related bullying. Parents can learn to treat themselves and their children with respect and become vital contributors to the anti-bullying movement.

Are you with me?

Here are a few more personal development ideas every parent can use to create a bullying-free family and to help build a society without abuse.

Schedule holidays for rejuvenation
Bullied people are weak or at least they are perceived as weak by the bully. Many of them are not sure how to handle the situation and express confusion. If the bullying is ongoing, the stress in their life is constant and affects their productivity, effectiveness and performance at work and at home badly. It is no coincidence that there are days off every week and that every person is entitled to a minimum number of holidays every year. It is necessary for us to rejuvenate and “recharge our batteries”.

Family Matters is taking some time off from researching, coaching and writing and heading off on a family vacation. After all, this is why we do what we do – to help ourselves have a better family time together.

It has been an awesome year for us. We were very proud and happy that our daughter Eden, our happy thought, joined us in writing this year. We have had many personal achievements at work, in our relationships and with our kids. The only wish we have for ourselves is that next year will be even better. Better is a good formula for a happy life.

We want to thank all of the 150,000 readers we have had this year and give special thanks to all those who have posted comments, shared their opinions and contributed to the community of parents and educators around this blog. Whatever your personal views, we love to read them and engage in a discussion on the important aspects of parenting with you.

Much has been said and written about the effects of the holiday season on families, on health, on relationships and on stress. Holidays are so different from our everyday life they bring about many changes, not all of which are welcome. Today, I want to look at what happens to working parents when the holidays approach.

For many years, I worked in corporate information technology. As you would expect, this involved being away from home 10-11 hours every day, commuting during rush hours, occasional overnight travel and feeling stressed and sometimes insignificant.

With this kind of experience at work, all I wanted to do when I got home was to have some peace and quiet for a while, enjoy a pleasant dinner with my family and unwind from my workday. Some days, all I wanted to do was sleep.

In order for that to work, Ronit had to take care of absolutely everything to do with keeping a home and raising kids – housework, shopping, cooking, homework, parent-teacher meetings, afternoon activities and more. I knew very little about what went on during the week and pretty much saw the kids on weekends.

And during that time, I was terrified.

It is Christmas season. Yay!

Actually, for most people, the reaction would be a sinking feeling at the pit of their stomach, caused by the idea of the excessive (some say insane) shopping set in motion by the coming holiday. Previously a European-style Christian celebration of the birth of Jesus, Christmas has been transformed by massive retail chains into a worldwide shopping frenzy observed by followers of pretty much every possible faith.

On the face of it, all this buying and sharing of gifts is intended to increase the happiness of both givers and receivers and create a festive and generous atmosphere. But in reality, people spend hours agonizing over gift ideas, finding out where they can buy them without mortgaging their clothes, actually buying them, wrapping them, hiding them, keeping the secret of what they are and wondering how they will be received by loved ones and those we just had to buy gifts for.

On the receiving end, people (especially kids) spend months waiting to get the special things they put on their wish list for Christmas, only to be disappointed with what they actually get, because nobody ever gets everything on their list, even if they get some of it.

Can you see the level of happiness going up here? I sure don’t.

One of the biggest challenges for parents in our time is, well, time. Or at least the shortage of it. Having to keep up with inflation, with the Joneses, with technology, with the news and with ever-increasing demands at work means that many parents need a place for their kids to be after school hours.

Of course, we do not want our kids to be just anywhere. We want to keep them in a safe place, operated by friendly people who like kids, where our children will be kept occupied, interested and preferably even educated. Not an easy thing to find, especially when that place also needs to make money…

On the emotional side, leaving our kids with others and staying long hours at work creates loads of guilt feelings. If you have ever put your child in childcare, I am sure you have thought to yourself, “What kind of a parent am I if my kids spend most of their days away from me and get most of their care from other people?”

This story is not just about one place. It is not even just about after school care. This story is to tell you that when you have to find a place for your kids to spend some time, you can actually find them and your kids can actually be happy there.

Before Christmas comes, I always think about kindness. Santa is a very nice guy, don’t you think? He makes so many people happy and it is not only the kids, because what makes kids happy also makes their parents happy (in fact, to some extent, it even makes their parents kids again for a while).

Playing Santa is a very good game for everyone, especially for kids, because it gives them the opportunity to enter the “Santa Club” in their mind and feel the joy of giving, even if it is just in thought. For older people, it is an exercise in financial freedom, very much like playing “If I were a millionaire” or “If I won the lottery”, only this game is all about giving to others and being kind.

I like this Santa game and find it uplifting and easy to play. I invite you to join in.

I visited my parents and discovered the house where they had raised 4 kids was now too small for only 2 people, because it was full of boxes, blankets, appliances and clothes that could dress a whole battalion.

When I opened the fridge, I was shocked. In the packed mess of boxes and jars, only my mom knew what was in the depths of her fridge. They are only 2 people, but they still buy and cook for 7. You see, my parents’ house was so full of things they had been collecting and holding on to for years, those things did not allow anything new to enter their life anymore. They had blocked themselves.

As we approach the end of the year and it is time to have the “closing ceremony” and review what we have achieved, I found out during my visit that there was a neglected section in this whole New Year celebration and that was creating space for the New Year to enter.

Traveling does not trigger the same thoughts and ideas in everyone’s mind. For some, traveling means carrying a heavy load, while for others, it means feeling calm and relaxed. Some are stressed by the planning and organizing, while others imagine the views and the pictures they will capture. Some fear the unknown, while others look forward to great surprises.

This list-making post is for the travelers among us. It is for those who love traveling and the thought of going out of their comfort zone to a new destination excites them.

This post is also for those who have never traveled (much), but wish they did (more).

It may even be for those who have had no desire to travel until now…

I can write about traveling because I am a world traveler and love every second of it.

But I was not a traveler all my life.

As I described in How to Survive Holiday Blues (part 1), the Christmas holidays can be stressful times. Family matters and conflicts in relationships are just one factor of making the holidays a depressing experience.

The bad news: every person has some of the blues feelings during the holidays to some extent.

The good news: it is possible to change some things and enjoy the holidays.