It is easier to shield our bodies against the harmful arrows from without than to protect our minds from the poisoned darts within
- Shakyamuni

Anorexia is a very debilitating disease. While it looks like there is a physical problem, the real problem is the one we cannot see with our eyes but the one we can see with our heart. As hard as it is to accept, choosing not to eat is a way to deal with difficult emotions.

Most eating disorders are the same. Eating (too much) or not eating (at all) is the solution to worry, to fear, to shame, to confusion, to failure and to guilt, and gradually, the simplest strategy seems to be to shut down the desire for food.

I do not know if you have ever fasted for fun, for health or for weight loss. There is a point when you no longer feel hungry at all. I think it is important for people to feel this point to understand that we can eat or not eat at will. To survive, we really do not need much food, so someone who chooses not to eat, really does not feel hungry, but still has those emotions that he or she tries to keep away. If you want to help a person who has anorexia, remember that focusing on the food is (again) working on the symptom and not the problem.

The best solution to anorexia is increasing the emotional intelligence. The first step is to recognize the feelings and the second step is to manage the feelings.

Today, I will focus on tips to mange worrying.

Worry is a feeling of fear from a possible bad future. People go to the future inside their head and imagine something bad, then come back to the present carrying the fear of this possibility. If it seems to you not to be real, it is because it is not. We all do this in some form, but some people have a problem distinguishing between their imaginary future and the present and those people do not just worry. They have what we call an anxiety attack.

Here are 10 tips to address worry or, in its severe form, anxiety, that may be a trigger to choosing not to eat. These are good for anyone, whether they have anorexia or not, and can help you help another person too.

1. Take a deep breath and feel the tension leaving your body. Exhale deeply and inhale deeply a few times. If the tension is still there, take deep breathes for 2-3 minutes. The oxygen to your brain will help your body trigger calming chemicals. Give your body the time to help you.
2. Name the worry. Tell yourself what you are worried about. If you find it hard, imagine someone else saying it. For example, if you are worried about going to a pool party in your bikini, imagine your most popular, good-looking friend saying to you, "I'm worried about going to the pool party in my bikini. I think I am fat". This will probably make you think about the statement as if it is not coming from you and help you question its validity.
3. Write it down. Having a journal, where you write about your worries, is very helpful in getting a bit of perspective. Thinking it is different than writing it. Reading about your worries later, when you are in a better mood, will help you monitor your mood and find correlations between events in your life and the feelings you have. For example, you may have more negative thoughts about your body whenever you spend time with a specific person.
4. Share with a friend. Sharing your troubles with someone who has the same problem can help. If you are both together in this, you can help each other out. Many anorexic people say, "You don’t understand", and they say it because it is true. People who are not anorexic do not understand. If you join a group of people who do understand, you can feel safe and start considering ways to recover.
5. Talk to a supportive person. Many times, taking to someone you trust can help you get the load off our back. Many girls with anorexia have problems related to control. Not eating is their way of protesting against someone in their life who is too controlling, as if they were saying, "At least you can't control what I eat". If they share their feeling with someone who is on their side and can reassure them that the controlling person is not OK, they can stop blaming themselves for this and feel better.
   
6. Imagine the worst-case scenario. If you have a problem, if you are worried about doing or not doing something, ask yourself, "What's the worst that can happen?" Sometimes, when you go all the way, you realize that the fear of the wolf is greater than the wolf itself.
7. Imagine the controlling person sitting on the toilet. Again, anorexia is a control issue. Many anorexic people have a controlling person that they try to get off their back and they find comfort in controlling the only thing they think they can control - food. Yet, the controlling person is just a person. Whenever you have an encounter with this person, imagine him or her sitting on the toilet an taking a poo. It will make it easy for you to see them as a human being and not as powerful and controlling.
8. Distance yourself from it. Many things we worry about today will not exist in two weeks, two months or two years. Ask yourself, "What will I think about this in 5 years?" It will probably mean nothing at all then. When my daughter worries about the score of one of her exams in 6^th Grade, I say, "Think about yourself in high school, having the time of your life in the school production. Do you think you'll remember that 5 years ago you got one 'C' in Geography?" She smiles and moves on to doing other things. It works. Try it. Take yourself 5 years into the future and many things will no longer matter.
9. Do something! Anorexia is a feeling of helplessness. If you get into the habit of doing something to fix or improve the situation, you will not feel helpless anymore. I ask all my clients at the end of every session to write 9 things they can do immediately to get them closer to their goals. Even if you move slowly, you are in motion and you are taking control of your actions.
10. Meditate. I know it sounds strange, but meditation is a very good way to regain control over your life. Meditation helps clear your mind and blocks the control that comes from the outside. Any form of meditation will do the trick. Find something simple that suits you.

When you clear worries from the system, it is much easier to switch to healing mode.

Be happy,
Ronit

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During the Easter break, we watched the movie Canvas with the kids. It tells the story of a family in which the mother has Schizophrenia. The father works as a builder for a rich jerk who buys speedboats and cars, but pays him too little too late, so they do not have enough money for medicine, which their basic health insurance refuses to cover.

The film shows how being poor and sick can have negative effects on your life and spin it out of control so quickly that it is super hard to recover. Because people expect certain behavior from adults, the mother creates a scene, which gets them thrown out of public places, like restaurants. Business owners may empathize with someone who sees imaginary people, but they still have a business to run.

The boy, being young, cannot truly understand what is happening to his mother. Unfortunately, neither can his schoolmates, who bully him for it. Also unfortunately, the father is a simple man who struggles to get by and lacks the emotional tools to help his son relax and cope with the mother's strangeness and absence, let alone the additional social burden he has to endure.

So next thing you know, the kid starts going nuts too, has a fight with the boss' kid, screams at his mom when she shows up at his birthday party with clown hats and a cake and skips school left right and center. Eventually, the principal and the boss catch up with the father and the father loses his job.

The whole time, I was sitting there, thinking to myself, "Don't they have a family? Where are the grandparents? Where are the uncles and aunts and cousins?"

But there were none. In fact, the woman who lived next door seems to want nothing better than for them to leave her neighborhood. When the mother runs outside and stands in the rain talking to people only she can see, the neighbor calls the police and they take the mother away to a mental hospital, where the doctors sedate her and test different drugs on her.

The only people who are nice and helpful are the father's friends from work - big guys who lend a hand and a smile. It is great at times, but it is not enough.

Working with clients, I sometimes try to convince them to invest in a solution that takes a bit more upfront, but saves and produces more down the road. In such cases, I often use the expression "Poor man pays twice" when comparing their options.

And it is true! When you have no car, you waste even more time getting to and from places. When you have no money for regular doctor and dentist checkups, your health problems grow until you have to treat them at any cost. When you have no steady job with a good group rate for health insurance, you either pay a lot more or have no cover until it is too late. When you have to work extra hours just to make ends meet, you neglect your family and you lose what little emotional support you could have when you finally get home (as long as you have a home, that is).

Ronit and I once went to give free hugs with our kids and some friend at an event for homeless people. The experts there told us that most of these homeless folks have some form of mental illness or substance abuse and others had some large calamity wipe out their financials. The homeless people you see on the streets, by the way, are not all of them. There are many people "crashing" at homes of friends or relatives, sometimes for a while and sometimes without knowing when they can get back on their own two feet.

Even people who are not officially poor can be devastated by some unforeseen event, like an accident, a major illness or the collapse of their shares portfolio. Pretty soon, they cannot pay their credit card debt in full and the exorbitant interest rate kicks in, leeching any money they can gather with no end in sight and crippling their chances of recovery rapidly.

The answer, my friend, is community.

A community is based on social norms, which means everyone works for the general best interest, without counting favors. As long as everyone is equally concerned about others' wellbeing as the others are about theirs, the community buffers harm and increases good.

When you move into a new house, a community welcomes you with smiles and some food, shows you around the neighborhood and offers to watch your kids when you need that. Nobody needs to tell you your services will be equally needed to complete the picture. You will offer them freely once you have settled in.

When your child goes to a new school, a community assigns a "buddy" to show them around and tell them "how things are done here". Their buddy introduces them to kids with similar interests and checks in on them until they feel safe. Other kids get excited to see new kids and invite them to social gatherings and parties as a matter of course.

Other communities can be the basketball club, afternoon art class, marching band, athletics team, religious organization, youth group, Scouts, Guides, the local chamber of commerce or trade union chapter and even the bank.

The biggest sign that these are not working very well for people these days is ... (drum roll) ... the popularity of social media sites, like Facebook. Human beings long so much to belong to a community, they join one online if they have to. They will exchange recipes with a person in another country if their neighbor stays behind closed doors. They will play online games with "friends" from half way around the world who may not speak the same language if their school is full of bullies.

The best thing about communities is that they have something in common - a sport, a hobby, a religious belief, a political opinion or a social cause. Sometimes, it is the place of work and sometimes, it is just the street everyone lives in. That common thing can unite very different people, if only they stopped long enough to focus on what they have in common.

So I say go out and meet other folks wherever you can. Pluck up the courage and reach out to other human beings, even ones you have never talked before. Join a club, become a member of an association, coach little league, cheer for the local team, bake cakes for the school's fundraiser, go to networking events to find people you like, ask your neighbors how they are doing, throw parties and accept barbecue invitations. If you prefer to start online, join communities that also meet offline (I personally like Meetup).

Because, really, we are all in the same boat. We all lose a loved one at some stage, we all need to make a living, we all try to raise our children the best we can, we all want to fulfill our dreams and we all want to feel like we belong.

As parents, not only is this going to provide your family with the support it needs, but it will show your kids how to build communities and give them enough practice at it to create a safer, warmer world for themselves one social circle at a time.

Happy days,
Gal

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If you have anorexia or any other eating disorder, or if you have a child that has it and you want to help, it is important to focus on the thoughts and the mindset and not on the food. Not eating is not the problem. It is the solution that people with a distorted perception find for their problems.

Avoid trying to convince them to eat. It only makes things worse. Anorexic people need control, not a nagger.

Avoid punishing a child who has anorexia. It only increases their helplessness and their desire to control something (ANYTHING) in their life, like what they eat, when they eat and how much they eat.

Generally, anorexic people have a very bad self-image, considering self as useless, not worthy, a failure, stupid, an idiot, etc, and they use every little thing that happens in their life to reinforce it. They use their glasses to look for proof they are worthless and they do not consider single events as temporary or coincidental, but as part of their identity.

Here is a list of thoughts that make big things out of small things and demonstrates the effect of the huge magnifying glasses anorexic people wear. Each one you get rid of will reduce the magnifying effect.

1. Thinking that "every bit of fat must go", even if it is supposed to be in the body. The photos you see of an anorexic girl looking in the mirror and seeing a full-bodied girl are really what they see. There is not point saying, "You look great. You don't need to lose weight". You are not looking through their glasses.
2. Every tiny mistake is proof they are useless, stupid and failures. Anorexic people do not see that mistakes happen because they are tired, because they do not know something or just because they are human. Even the tiniest mistakes should never happen!
3. Thinking "I feel ugly, so I must be ugly". This is when someone is convinced that the feeling defines them. Again, this is a problem with magnifying the feeling and not considering the feeling as temporary.
4. Seeking approval from others, because "I'm not in control and I'm useless". This attitude is problematic because the source of anorexia is lack of control. Anorexics live in a continuous attempt to prove that they are not in control and that they are useless, so during hard times, they will seek approval (disapproval) from others to support these notions.
5. Thinking "I am not enough" - not good enough, not smart enough, not friendly enough, etc. Many times, they hear those statements from others and after a while, they start adopting the belief. If you are a parent, watch what you say and make sure your love for your children is unconditional. They are born good enough and do not have to prove they are good enough, smart enough or considerate enough for you to love them. Keep in mind you do not have to use the word "enough" to state that you do not think they are "enough". If you compare them to someone else, if you tell them they need to earn your trust or love, if you criticize them, if you are sarcastic towards them, if you are aggressive towards them, if you are judgmental or if you are controlling, then you are telling them they are not "enough".
6. Catastrophizing - always thinking of the worst possible outcome (and even impossible outcomes sometimes). "I ate a piece of chocolate. That's it, I've destroyed everything!" or "If it didn't happen the way I wanted it, it will never happen!" or "It will never be the same again". Anorexic people have good times when things are alright and they feel good and eat well, but small setbacks take them straight into giving-up mode and "it's not worth it anymore".
7. Excessive use of the word "should" to set unrealistically high standard and make sure there will fail. Again, if you are a parent, watch what you say. Many of the people who use the word "should" grew up in homes that used this word too often.
8. Excessive use of the word "must". This limits the choices and supports the feeling of helplessness. Similar to "should", many anorexic people have heard they "must" do, be or have things so many times that they are convinced it is true. If you are a parent, I suggest you only tell your children they must be, i.e. they must stay alive. The rest is their choice. Otherwise, they might choose not to eat and then, they might not be.
9. Black and white thinking. This is the brother of "must" and "should" and supports the magnifying effect. If I feel sad, I am 100% sad, nothing in the middle. If I feel angry, I am 100% angry. Those people have a problem with rating their feelings (good and bad). If you ask them to rate their emotions from 1-10, the answer will always be "10".
10. Tendency towards perfectionism - keeping high standards to regain control and reassure there will always be disappointment and failure.
11. Self sabotage. When things gets tough, burn bridges. When you cannot do things perfectly, give up and let yourself and others down. One second before they reach success, they stop or do something that ruins their success.
12. Believe that rules of the rest of the world do not apply to them. They use this strategy to reject help and to justify their existing situation. They say, "What do you know?" and if you do understand, they say, "Yes, but your case was different from mine".

It is important to know that anorexic people are not born with those magnifying glasses. They develop them due to lots of pain and an inability to manage their emotions. Therefore, the power of their glasses can be changed with love, creativity and strong emotional intelligence.

Be happy!
Ronit

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Having a depressed family member is not easy to handle. Most of the time, the depressed person cannot admit he or she needs help and rejects any help attempt. Those around them feel helpless and drained.

Gail was very creative in her attempts to help her husband. She went to the doctor and talked to him. She tried to make him go to the doctor, without success. She got him some vitamins and he refused to take them. She arranged holidays to make him happy, but he stayed depress.

"What happened with the boys?" I asked.

"They left. For five years, we didn't have a life. Everything revolved around him. Everything we did was done to please him. He was unhappy with everything we did and with what we didn't do. We had no friends left. No one was willing to come to our house and those who dared only did it once. Every second around him was fighting and complaining, so they gave up and left".

Gail' sons were 18 and 21, both studied at university and had to support themselves. Their dad was so unhappy with their move he did not "allow" their mom to see them.

Helping a depressed person is not easy, especially when he or she is an adult. Adults must choose to accept help and we cannot force them to receive our help.

Eventually, after 5 years of trying, Gail left home.

Her moving out was very effective. Not having Gail and the boys around helped her husband understand he had a problem.

Most of our sessions were spent on managing the process of going back home. The most effective tip I gave her was to use are. I introduced her to a research about depression and art and that worked like magic.

I hope it will help you too.

A research done in Norway with over 50,000 people using blood tests, urine tests, interviews, questionnaires and clinical examinations discovered that art can successfully fight depression. "There is a positive relationship between cultural participation and self-perceived health for both women and men", says Professor Jostein Holmen.

The researches claim, "Up to now, physical activity has been recognized as a measure that promotes good health. But our study shows that other daily life activities may promote good health from a holistic point of view. The results suggest that the use of cultural activities in health promotion and health care may be justified".

The research found that people who were exposed to art feel healthier overall. If they see music concerts, painting or sculpture and visit galleries, they are healthier and happier and less depressed then others. If they make art themselves by playing a musical instrument, singing, painting, sculpting and dancing, the results were even better.

The surprising thing was the results were true for all participants, regardless of their lifestyle and socio-economic background.

Gail's husband loved carpentry. He had not dealt with the loss of his job properly and had not touched his tools since he had stopped working. When Gail came back home, she encouraged him to take is tools out and build a drawer for the living room.

Three month later, the boys came back home.

Have a happy day,
Ronit

P.S. If you ever need a reason to encourage your children to engage in artistic activities or a reason to visit a gallery or go to the theater, you know it now. Art makes you happy!

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At first, I thought Australians were just sick more often than others in the world, but after a short time, I came to the conclusion they were taking a day off when they were tired, sneezed too much, had some errands to run or just needed a day off.

As a parent, that freaked me out. I could take myself one or two years into the future and imagine my own children substitute "Mom, I want some time off" with "Mom, I'm sick". I believe that if you say you are sick enough times, you will convince your body that you are and then you will actually feel sick. Gal and I put a lot of effort and thinking into raising healthy kids and the thought of them being "sick" every time they needed to rest made me feel sick ;P

I fully understand that people need some a break from time to time and the regular days off on weekends and public holidays are good, but they do not always come at the right time or provide enough relief. It makes sense to me that kids do not plan to need time off exactly on those days, so it is just natural that they want time off on a school day.

The problem with "being sick" is that you cannot really enjoy the day and rejuvenate, which defeats the purpose of taking a day off. Taking these needs into consideration, I came up with a solution that has been working for me for over 12 years.

No more sick kids

I told the kids that if they are healthy the whole term (each term is about 10 weeks long), they can pick a day in each term to have a break and on that day, we can do some fun things together. There are some rules to this contract:

1. You cannot pick an exam day
2. You must let me know ahead, so I can plan it and be home with you
3. You cannot pick the same day as your sibling (this allow me to spend individual time with each one of my kids, although on special circumstances, we have had lots of fun with the whole family)

Advantages of picking a day off over being sick

There are many advantages to picking your day off when you are healthy over saying, "Mom, I'm sick" and pretending to be sick.

• The greatest advantage is that kids do not associate having time off with being sick, so they are sick less often.
• I have seen so many people that say, "I can't out so that no one will see me, because I'm supposed to be sick in bed". Not much fun being stuck at home. On a planned day off, you can do whatever you like.
• You do not have to lie to the teachers, so this is a good reward for being honest. I always send a letter to the teacher beforehand and say, "Noff is going to be away on that day". I never lie about this. Remember, teachers and schools are giving you a service and being afraid to be honest is not good for your relationship with your service provider. The teachers will appreciate that more. They know that some parents write "sick" letters even when their kids are not sick (because they do it themselves).
• You can arrange for one of your or your partner to take a day off instead of having to ask family members, neighbors and friends to take care of your sick child.
• You can pick better days for time off so that your child does not miss things that are important to them at school.

I have had this agreement with my kids for 12 years. Tsoof hardly ever used those days, because he was busy and did not want to miss out. In the last two weeks of term, I would ask him, "Which day would you like to take off?" and he would say, "Monday ... no, I don’t want to miss Show Choir ... Tuesday ... no, I don't want o miss Wind Ensemble ... Wednesday ... no, I don't want o miss Drama ... Thursday ... no, I don’t want to miss Percussion Ensemble ... Friday ... no, I don't want to miss Big Band. That's OK, I won't take a day off this term". This was true almost every term for the last 6 days of his schooling.

This week, Noff asked to take her day off. Our new kitchen was arriving and she wanted to be home to watch it being assembled. I was so happy she just asked to stay home instead of having to pretend she was sick. We had to go to school early to bring back something she had left there, so she went to school without her uniform, walked into her classroom and told everyone she was staying home to watch the instillation of the new kitchen. I was very proud she felt comfortable to tell the truth, not to mention that she had been healthy the whole term.

Please try this at home! It works like magic (you can even reward yourself with a day off after being healthy for 3 months solid).

Happy, healthy parenting,
Ronit

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I have been heavily involved in diversity education for years, helping teachers, parents and students learn to accept the differences among people rather than being afraid of those who are different from them. I write programs, run activities and deliver presentations to help them recognize that even behind a person who seems very different there is a human being just like them.

Last month, I saw with my own eyes how this lesson could be taught without lesson plans, without intention, just by letting circumstances unfold and allowing kids to observe.

It was Sunday and our Diversity Tent at the Queensland Multicultural Festival was full of children doing arts and crafts. My daughter Eden (22) came to help me set up early in the morning. When the volunteer who promised to come and help did not show up, my 10-year-old daughter Noff also spent the day with us, helping kids her age and younger draw and paint. We wrote the kids' names in different languages and they were all very happy and excited to see their names written differently.

About half way through the day, a 12-year-old boy came and sat at one of the tables. A gorgeous little girl, who was about 4 years old, wandered over to him and climbed onto one of the seats. The little girl was teeny tiny and did not have any hair. She had a tube taped to her nose with a band-aid. She wrote her name, Joelle, on one of the bookmarks. She was beautiful and it was obvious she was sick and had come straight from hospital for a day of fun at the festival. Everyone looked at her with sadness, feeling a bit uncomfortable. Her brother, who sat next to her, looked up from his coloring and said, "I'm Ashton and this is my sister. She has cancer".

Bam!

Kids are amazing.

Everyone at the stall, both parents and kids, had been looking at her, not sure how to react to her sitting next to their kids with a tube up her nose and no hair and her brother just said it simply, with no reservations and no fluff. We all thanked him silently for doing this.

At some point, another girl, who looked a little younger than the brother, came and joined in with the coloring. A woman called out their names and took some photos.

The little sick girl, Joelle, decided to do our "Friends holding hands" activity. We gave her a cutout of 5 people holding hands to color in. She only colored in 4.

Eden asked her if she did not want to color in the last one and she said, "No. This one is for my other mommy, but my other mommy was sick in her brain and she died".

Our hearts dropped.

"Do you have a new mom?" I asked, wondering if maybe the woman who had taken photos of the kids was the "new mommy", but she said, "No".

At some stage, her brother ran off to find their Dad and then came back to announce that they were going to get ice cream and that Joelle should hurry up and finish. She told him she did not want to go, because she wanted to finish her drawing. When the boy ran off again, Joelle told Eden she wanted ice cream, but she wanted to finish her drawing first. Eden, who was helping at their table, said to her, "We can look after your drawing. You can go have some ice cream and we'll keep it for you until you get back".

She smiled back happily and said, "That would be good. I really want to finish my drawing, but I also want to have ice cream".

When they came back with their ice cream, her dad, who was a good-looking man, sat down next to them as they continued drawing and stroked Joelle's head.

"You have gorgeous kids", Eden said to him.

"Yes, they are. This one's just missing some hair", he smiled.

Eden asked him, "Is she getting better?"

"She's almost there. She needs one more surgery and then 3 months of chemotherapy and she'll be fine", her dad said.

They were an amazing family. The kids were running around from one activity to another and the father looked like he was carrying a bit of burden. Other kids in the tent watched them carefully. Behind the bald head and nose tube, there was a little girl, just like them.

She finished her drawing and I asked her if she wanted to take it with her or paste it on our life-sized wood figures. She decided to paste it on the wood figures. Her dad helped her find an empty spot and she put her work there with a smile on her face, 4 of the 5 figures colored in and a blank one for her mom.

She smiled, said, "Thank You", and skipped away with her dad.

I whispered "Thank you!" towards the little girl for inspiring all the children and parents at the tent and for giving them a real lesson in acceptance.

Kids rock,
Ronit

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Matt was a troublemaker. He disturbed the class, made lots of noises and fought with the other kids in class. It was unbearable. His teacher tried different methods to stop this behavior, but nothing helped, so he invited Matt's presents for a talk.

Matt's parents came to see the teacher and he told them about his failed attempts to calm him down and keep the order in class.

"I've tried everything I could and exhausted my options", said the teacher and asked Matt's parents about his behavior at home.

Matt's dad said, "We've tried everything ourselves. We punish him, we bribe him, but nothing helps".

"Have you tried diagnosing him?" asked the teacher.

"I don't believe in diagnosing. It won't help. It's not practical," said Matt's mom.

"Well, how about giving him Ritalin?" suggested the teacher, "It will calm him down".

"Where do we get Ritalin?" Matt's dad asked.

"Oh, don't worry, I'll arrange this for you. Matt will take one tablet every day before he comes to school and everything will be OK", said the teacher.

"Well, that won't work", said Matt's mom, "Our mornings are very hectic. My husband leaves home early and I rush the kids to school. Who's going to make sure he takes his tablet?"

"OK, then I can help you with this", said the teacher, "I will give him the tablet myself when he gets to school".

"No way!" said Matt's dad, "I don't want all the other kids to see him taking Ritalin. Having a bad reputation can be worse than causing trouble. I don't want my child to suffer from a bad reputation".

The teacher thought about it and said, "I have an Idea. Every day during the first break, I will ask him to go to the staff room and make me a cup of coffee. I will leave his Ritalin in my pigeonhole, he will take one tablet and no one will know about it".

The parents were hesitant a bit, but decided to give it a go.

The plan was brilliant. The teacher left the Ritalin in his pigeonhole in the staff room, explained to Matt what to do and every day during the first break, he asked Matt to go to the staff room and make him a cup of coffee. Matt brought the coffee and everything went smoothly. The environment in class calmed right down. Matt was relaxed, he was no longer nervous, did not get involved in any fights or cause any trouble to his teachers.

Three weeks later, Matt's mom asked him about what was happening in class.

"How's school, Matty?"

"Excellent!" said Matt.

"Is the teacher happy with your behavior?" she asked.

"Oh, yes. Everything's great now. Everyone in the class is happy," said Matt.

"Wow", said Matt's mom, "How come everything got so much better in such a short time?"

"Oh, it's very simple", Matt explained, "Every day, my teacher tells me to get him a cup of coffee. I go to the staff room, make him some coffee, take a tablet from his pigeonhole and put in his coffee. He drinks it and everyone in class is much more relaxed!"

If you are reading this and saying, "Ha, ha, it worked on the teacher", that was no my point. I believe it would have worked even if Matt had thrown the Ritalin into the rubbish bin every day.

You see, perception is a powerful thing. What we believe to be true is sometimes stronger than what happens to us in real life. If we interpret a child's behavior as "troublemaking", we will see troublemaking in every move he or she makes. This is why medical researchers always consider the "placebo effect" to find out if the person reacts to the medication or the thought of being medicated.

When diagnosing kids with learning difficulties, the real problem is often "teaching difficulties". Diagnosing ADD, ADHD, ODD can be a result of "teaching and/or parenting difficulties". We try some strategies and say we have done everything we could.

But we have not!

I had inspiring Special Education teachers that gave me the best belief every teacher and parent needs.

If you have tried some things and the child is still struggling, it only means you have not found a solution ... yet!

How to work with troublemakers

Instead of searching for labels or using a magic pill, search for a solution. Here are some things to keep you focused and to keep you going.

1. Try every approach for at least 3 weeks. It takes 21 days to make a habit and preferably 21 days in a row.
2. If something has worked for someone else and not for you, be happy! You are closer to the solution, because now you know something you did not know before trying it. You know what does not work.
3. Be open minded about potential solutions. If you do not understand something, that does not mean it is out of the question. I was very skeptical about finding a solution for my kids' dairy allergy when I went to see a kinesiologist. I still do not understand how he did it. One visit and $75 later (mostly paid by my health insurance) our life was changed forever.
4. Be creative! If you have tried conventional ways and they have not seemed to work, try something different.
5. Consider the placebo effect. Give your kids Vitamin C in a special container without a label and tell them it is a magic pill and that every child who takes it feels relaxed, calm and able to manage difficulties better within 3 weeks. Tell the teachers to assess the child's behavior during those three weeks. From my experience, the teacher will tell you the child is much calmer. If you want to boost your credibility with your child and with the teacher, tell them an expert has given you this special prescription, along with a story about how expensive the tablets are, how many kids use them and what wonderful results they all get.

If you think you have tried everything, think again. This is an overused phrase and it is never ever true.

If all else fails, before you lose hope, take some Ritalin yourself.

Happy times,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Parental Troubleshooting
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.
• Mom, I’m Sick

Mama knows best

Community nurses will tell you that the phrase "Mama knows best" is true and when a parent feels their child is suffering some kind of problem, they should be taken seriously and the child should be thoroughly checked until the problem is found and fixed. Ronit helps identify kids' problems regularly and is amazed at how many times parents arrive in desperation, having been dismissed and ignored by "the professionals".

So whether you are Mama or Papa, if you suspect your child might be having some sort of a problem, you know best. Do not let anyone put you down or discourage you. Your child is your responsibility and if you say he or she needs help, that is good enough. Keep on searching and doing the best for your child until you succeed.

What's the problem with my child?

Excuse me if I use a computer metaphor, but in the IT world, there are 3 kinds of people: hardware engineers, software developers and implementers. Hardware engineers know how to combine electronic components and build computers. Software developers enable the hardware to do a lot of wonderful things. Implementers (business analysts) choose the best hardware, software, settings and methods to use in a particular context.

Parents, unfortunately, have to be all of them.

Check your kid's hardware

When I was a university student, I was a "big brother" to a disadvantaged boy in 2^nd Grade (let's call him Sunny). The poor kid' father lived somewhere else, money was nonexistent to the point where there was no running water, both his parents had a past of drugs (I had no proof about their present) and he was doing badly at school.

One day, as I was helping Sunny with his homework, he told me he could not see the board in class.

"What do you mean?" I asked, being very inexperienced at the time.

"When I sit in class, I see the teacher's writing on the board very blurry. Most of the time, I can't make out what she writes", he said sadly.

"Where do you sit in class?" I asked.

"I used to sit at the back, but then I could hardly see where the board was, so now I sit in the first row, but it's no good", he said.

"Maybe you need glasses", I suggested.

"I told my mom for a long time about this, but she didn't believe me", Sunny said miserably.

Ronit recently assessed a child who was not poor at all, lived with both his parents and still did poorly at school. After spending some time with him, she realized he did not pronounce words properly. After some specific testing, she concluded his problem was with his hearing.

His mother reacted to this diagnosis as a great revelation and immediately decided to have his hearing checked. After that is corrected, he is likely to go through a period of catching up and eventually have a normal life.

But others are not so lucky. in 1991, Ronit had a girl who was sensitive to the protein in milk. Since much of her diet (she was 2 years old) was dairy food, her nose was runny all the time and she suffered from frequent ear infections. Based on Ronit's diagnosis and recommendation, her mother took her (after months of convincing) to a specialist who operated on her ears and installed ear tubes to relieve the pressure in her ears.

Despite the clear indication that her daughter's health and hearing were affected by her diet, the girl's mother changed nothing. The little girl is now 22 years old and has not caught up with her age group. The period of partial deafness changed this girl's life forever.

So regardless of the symptoms, consider your child's "hardware" first, including eyes, ears, breathing, tongue and mouth, posture, quality and quantity of sleep, food sensitivities, allergies, vitamin and mineral deficiencies and muscle tone. Take your child to a reliable and open-minded doctor, run every suitable test and rule out "organic" causes.

Check your kid's software

Every child is pre-programmed with communication styles (visual, auditory, kinesthetic and/or digital) and love languages (affirmations, services, quality time, physical touch and/or gifts).

A totally healthy child with an excellent pair of eyes and a perfect brain may have great difficulty reading in a noisy place. Once you discover your child is auditory, that makes sense and the solution is clear.

A vital, bouncy child with no vision or hearing problems may struggle at school despite the teacher's best efforts. Once you discover your child is kinesthetic and needs to move, you can work out ways to liberate the little person and help him or her excel and be happy.

This blog contains many posts on stimulating children with various communication styles and a number of posts on supporting the different love languages, so if your child's physical checkups are all clear, read up on communication styles and love languages and check the child's "software".

Check your kid's implementation

Sunny's mother listened to him after a while and took him to an optometrist, who found out Sunny was very near sighted. He prescribed a thick pair of lenses and Sunny's mom, having no money to pay, chose the cheapest frame for them, which would be fully refunded by the government.

Sunny kept doing badly at school.

One day, I wondered about his glasses and asked him to show them to me. He refused and looked ashamed. I told him that there was nothing to be ashamed of and that Ronit has to wear glasses all the time, as did many other people we both knew.

After some convincing, he finally went to his schoolbag and produced a spectacularly ugly pair of glasses. He shyly showed it to me and said quietly, "I'm never wearing these at school. Never ever!"

"Don't you see better with your glasses? This is your chance to see what the teacher writes on the board and keep up", I said.

"I came with my glasses the first time and everyone called me 'four eyes' and laughed at me", he said, nearly in tears, "I told my mom to buy me a different frame, but she didn't listen to me and bought this bulky, ugly one. I look horrible in them and I'll never wear them to school".

Sunny cared a lot more about being accepted socially and having friends to play with than he did about his school performance. For a child who had been abandoned by his father, other people's company was precious and good grades were not going to bring his father back home.

Sometimes, despite our best intentions and due to a whole bunch of grownup considerations, we produce solutions that ignore the context of our kids' life. In some cases, the child will try for a while, but as soon as they have a choice, they will do something different (anyone with teenagers will agree).

We sometimes hear about kids who stayed at home until it was time to go to school and played very little with others. Their start is rough and involves a lot of friction with others, fighting over possession of toys and book, defiance and more. Some parents' reaction to this is to keep their kids at home for another year, until they "grow up" or even choose home schooling for them, believing they have social difficulties.

But without enough social experience, it is not surprising the kids have a hard time initially. What they need is not to grow up but to adjust and learn the rules of engagement, which the other children will quickly teach them. What they need is not more isolation but more time with other kids so that they can adjust faster and at a younger age.

The context makes all the difference sometimes, so check the "implementation".

Easy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.
• The Wonders of Ritalin
• Raising Grownups

If you are a parent of a child who has been diagnosed or suspected as having ADHD and you are considering putting them on Ritalin, this post is for you! I have written about ADHD in this blog before, hoping to empower parents to take control over the health and wellbeing of their children and making sure their kids do not become a label. I hope today's story and video will help you make more informed choices about ADHD and Ritalin.

I have been working in the special education field for 25 years. My amazing mentors and teachers warned me that one day, the inflation in the use of drugs to solve academic or behavioral problems like ADD, ADHD, emotional struggles and even tiredness will be so high that my job would be to stay on guard and offer parents alternatives and hope. I took this job description very seriously, but never in my darkest and most pessimistic dreams have I seen it becoming as big or as scary as this.

I am angry and I want to cry from frustration, because we have lost one more child to a form of organized crime. I am writing this post to recover, to remind myself of my job description, to try and save other children from a horrible fate and to offer hope, only this time I need that hope myself.

Ritalin devastation

Luke was a highly auditory child I worked with after he had been diagnosed with ADHD. I tried to convince his mom to give him coffee to calm him down, because coffee has a calming effect on children with ADHD. She told a friend of hers about this tip and her friend's child relaxed and "became a new child", but Luke's mom never tried it.

I worked with Luke for about 3 months. The increase in his ability to concentration was amazing. Luke was in Prep (the year before First Grade) and through our sessions together, he started reading faster than any of his classmates. He was a lot of fun and we had amazing conversations that you would not expect to have with a 6 year old.

During those three months, despite his progress, every time his mom entered the room to pick him up, he looked worried as if he could sense something bad was happening to her. From time to time, he would ask in an anxious tone, "Mom, what happened?" she would say, "Nothing", but later on, she would cry and tell me she was confused. I did not dig any deeper into her personal life, but it was obvious something had happen during the time she had been away and Luke could sense it in a flash.

I admired Luke's mom, because all through the previous year she had refused to give him medication and had tried different diets, although she had not been consistent or selective in her approach to these diets (she weighed over 140kg and huffed and puffed from shortness of breath). She had taken off many things at once, had not eliminated them from Luke's diet for long enough and had not stopped using some techniques even when they had not worked.

The refusal to medicate Luke ended one day when him mom had a nervous breakdown and the doctor prescribed her antidepressants. This was the day she said, "I can't do this anymore", and handed her power over to the psychologist. The psychologist came to observe Luke in class for half an hour (which is more than some others do), then talked to his parents for an hour and prescribed Ritalin.

One day, Luke did not come to his session with me. I called his mom and she did not answer the phone. I emailed her and she did not reply. I SMSed her and she did not respond. I waited for the following week and Luke still did not show up. I tried all the communication channels again. Nothing. I contacted the school, which had been very helpful during the time I worked with Luke, and found out Luke had stopped coming to school. They thought his family had moved to a different town and said his mom had not replied to any of their communication efforts either.

This week, I went to Luke's school for a project I am running there. I talked to his special education teacher and wanted to cry. I was so angry and wanted to scream out loud. This is my scream. I hope you will be able to read it in between the lines.

Luke was given Ritalin for about 4 months. When his behavior got out of control, he was admitted into a mental institute several times after trying to commit suicide and having incidents of psychotic hallucinations. He went in and out of the mental ward until they concluded he had Schizophrenia and he was given a different medication for that.

For crying out loud, he is 6 years old!

How many kids are victims of this crime?!

I came home devastated. I had lost one more child to the organized crime of drugging kids to death. Luke was just 6 years old and could have killed himself because someone did not bother telling his parents about the risks of taking Ritalin.

I have decided to remind myself of the job description and use this story to warn every parent about treating this dangerous drug as an easy solution for ADHD.

Emergency room visits by kids aged 10 to 14 involving Ritalin intoxication or overdoses have now reached the same level of those visiting for use of cocaine
- Citizen's Commission on Human Rights

The government classifies Cocaine, Morphine and Ritalin in the same category of "highly addictive drugs". No one would give their child Cocaine. Why would you give your child Ritalin?

If you ever consider giving your child Ritalin, do yourself a favor and watch this video first.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Wonders of Ritalin
• Parental Troubleshooting
• Video Games Violence (3): Parenting

Be brave! Keep reading and look carefully at every photo, even though they are scary.

Skeletons

Having a child with Anorexia or any other eating disorder requires strong, brave parents who manage to help their child despite what others might say about them. The problem with Anorexia is that everyone can see it. Most kids do not do a very good job hiding it.

A couple of years ago, I worked with an anorexic woman who was 40 years old and weighed about 25kg (55lbs). Trust me, that was scary! It is not something you can hide very well. When I was in hospital with her, in the mental ward, there were other girls there and not all of them were teens. They looked like skeletons! But it is much harder to notice anorexia when it is developing and people often say, "She's just a bit skinny, that's all. She'll get over it".

Many people think they need to make the anorexic person eat more, but anorexia is a mental problem related to control and it does not go away when you eat more. In fact, taking over control and forcing a girl to eat might only make things worse.

The problem we have in our society is that most women and more and more men have some kind of eating disorder. The exposure to media that tells us how we need to look puts a lot of pressure on people's self-esteem and mental stability. When someone starts showing signs of anorexia, we tend to ignore them by saying, "Everyone these days is dying to be thin". I agree that everyone wants to be slim, but not everyone wants to die for it.

When I talked to the girls in the mental ward, none of them realized their anorexia might kill them. One of them was about 24 years old and the doctors told her she would never be able to have kids, because starvation had damaged her reproductive organs. She had a great explanation for it, "When the body is missing essential nutrients, it takes them from organs that are not vital and reproduction is not vital". She was in hospital for over 4 month and her mother and father did not come to see her even once because of the shame. When we talked, she sounded as if life had been sucked out of her - no joy, no smiles, no motivation, no hope.

Spending a month there with my client, I felt that the joy, the smiles and the motivation were seeping out of me, fast. I was happy to go home in the evenings.

Yet, when I took the group of them, including one in a wheelchair, because she could not stand on her feet, to the nearby shopping center for supplies and lunch, they all behaved like little kids in a toy store. I spent the whole day trying to convince the ward it would be healthy for them to go out, see people, breathe fresh air and want things to buy, because wanting is a very important factor in healing, especially wanting to live. Sometimes I could swear the hospital was making it worse. If your daughter develops anorexia, you should do everything you can to make sure she is never hospitalized.

Much like in many health problems, early diagnosis is vital to good recovery. A person with anorexia will try to hide it, but if you establish good relationships with your kids and you see them getting dressed sometimes, it will be easy to notice that something has changed. Anorexia is a way to cope with a problem and it gives the person temporary relief. If you pay attention to your children's physical and behavioral changes, you will notice that something is wrong easily and quickly. It may not mean your child is anorexic, but it is something you need to pay attention to. In Special Education, we say that we need to see enough "red lights" to confirm a diagnosis and I think this is also a wise way of reacting to anorexia. But when you see enough red lights, it is time to seek help.

Anorexia warning signs

Here is a list of anorexia warning signs. Since every person is different, they come in different combinations, but when you know your kids well, you will spot them.

• Obsessively counting calories and being very rigid about what they eat
• Skipping meals
• Fasting without medical guidance
• Swapping meals with fluids
• Avoiding particular foods for no health reason
• Taking vomiting tablets
• Taking laxatives - you can see they go to the toilet immediately after meals, so listen to check if they vomit too
• Sudden interest in "healthy eating"
• Not wanting to eat food they used to like
• Constantly claiming they have eaten already - it is OK from time to time, but when it becomes a habit, something is wrong
• Talking about food as "good" or "bad"
• Avoiding social gatherings where food is served or, if they have to go, saying, "I am allergic/sensitive to..." or "I have eaten already" when you know it is not true
• Excessive or compulsive exercise - some people love to exercise and there is nothing wrong with it, but being obsessive about it is not healthy. Obsession can be exercising no matter what or showing distress when not being able to exercise
• Being obsessed with diets - developing a sudden interest in weight-loss programs, websites and recipes, showing extreme interest in celebrities' shapes and diets, eating slowly, eating with teaspoon and cutting food into tiny pieces
• Generally, obsessive behavior is a sign there is some disorder. When people insist on eating at a specific time, having the same rituals, drinking from a certain cup or sitting in a specific place, it is a sign of obsessive behavior. Eating disorders are obsessive behaviors related to food. Changes shake their world. Even if it does not seem major, pay attention and address it when it starts
• Avoiding social activities and not enjoying things they used to enjoy before
• Never being hungry
• Lying about what they have eaten - anorexics are not all sophisticated. For example, you can tell when they bring back their lunch box full. One of my clients discovered many sandwiches behind her son's bed, which he had thrown at the end of the day so she would not know he had not eaten them
• Sudden weight loss or a change of clothing style to wearing big clothes and long sleeves so no one would notice the loss of weight. Look at their hands and legs. If you think they look like a skeleton, something might be wrong
• Feeling cold most of the time - a lack of nutrients affects our ability to keep ourselves warm
• Not having a regular period - it is very important for every mother to know when her daughter gets her period so that when something has changed, she will notice. Remember, reproduction is not vital. If your daughter wakes up in ten years and says, "Oh, I want to have kids now", it may be too late
• Feeling tired most of the time and not being able to perform regular activities
• Fainting or feeling dizzy
• Lots of complaining about being overweight. It is good when kids complain about their problems, so you should be very happy when they complain, because you know what they are facing and you can help them. However, when the complaint seems unrealistic and does not stop no matter what you do, it is a bad sign
• Anxiety around mealtime and general moodiness and irritability - these are usually signs that something is bothering them and it is much like the complaining
• Expressing feelings of "out of control" - remember, eating disorders are actually control problems. It is your daughter's way of gaining control over her life. Help her regain a sense of control. Give her choices, even create opportunities to choose and let her know she is in control of her life
• Expressing feelings of shame, unworthiness and guilt - generally, these are not healthy feelings. They may not be signs of anorexia, but it is one of those "red lights" that we need to pay attention to, particularly when others are "turned on"

Anorexia is typically a problem among women, although there are more and more cases of boys with anorexia. Pay attention to your boys the same way you pay attention to your girls.

Anorexia can develop from social triggers, chemical imbalances and other reasons, but so can other thing. If your child is showing the signs above, maybe they are developing anorexia and maybe not, but whatever the problem, early intervention is always better than having to convince a 40-year-old weighing 25kg to eat.

Be brave! Read the signs!

Happy and healthy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Anorexia: Exaggerated Perception
• Anorexia: Model Parenting
• Stories: Fact or Fiction?