Having a depressed family member is not easy to handle. Most of the time, the depressed person cannot admit he or she needs help and rejects any help attempt. Those around them feel helpless and drained.

Gail was very creative in her attempts to help her husband. She went to the doctor and talked to him. She tried to make him go to the doctor, without success. She got him some vitamins and he refused to take them. She arranged holidays to make him happy, but he stayed depress.

"What happened with the boys?" I asked.

"They left. For five years, we didn't have a life. Everything revolved around him. Everything we did was done to please him. He was unhappy with everything we did and with what we didn't do. We had no friends left. No one was willing to come to our house and those who dared only did it once. Every second around him was fighting and complaining, so they gave up and left".

Gail' sons were 18 and 21, both studied at university and had to support themselves. Their dad was so unhappy with their move he did not "allow" their mom to see them.

Helping a depressed person is not easy, especially when he or she is an adult. Adults must choose to accept help and we cannot force them to receive our help.

Eventually, after 5 years of trying, Gail left home.

Her moving out was very effective. Not having Gail and the boys around helped her husband understand he had a problem.

Most of our sessions were spent on managing the process of going back home. The most effective tip I gave her was to use are. I introduced her to a research about depression and art and that worked like magic.

I hope it will help you too.

A research done in Norway with over 50,000 people using blood tests, urine tests, interviews, questionnaires and clinical examinations discovered that art can successfully fight depression. "There is a positive relationship between cultural participation and self-perceived health for both women and men", says Professor Jostein Holmen.

The researches claim, "Up to now, physical activity has been recognized as a measure that promotes good health. But our study shows that other daily life activities may promote good health from a holistic point of view. The results suggest that the use of cultural activities in health promotion and health care may be justified".

The research found that people who were exposed to art feel healthier overall. If they see music concerts, painting or sculpture and visit galleries, they are healthier and happier and less depressed then others. If they make art themselves by playing a musical instrument, singing, painting, sculpting and dancing, the results were even better.

The surprising thing was the results were true for all participants, regardless of their lifestyle and socio-economic background.

Gail's husband loved carpentry. He had not dealt with the loss of his job properly and had not touched his tools since he had stopped working. When Gail came back home, she encouraged him to take is tools out and build a drawer for the living room.

Three month later, the boys came back home.

Have a happy day,
Ronit

P.S. If you ever need a reason to encourage your children to engage in artistic activities or a reason to visit a gallery or go to the theater, you know it now. Art makes you happy!

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At first, I thought Australians were just sick more often than others in the world, but after a short time, I came to the conclusion they were taking a day off when they were tired, sneezed too much, had some errands to run or just needed a day off.

As a parent, that freaked me out. I could take myself one or two years into the future and imagine my own children substitute "Mom, I want some time off" with "Mom, I'm sick". I believe that if you say you are sick enough times, you will convince your body that you are and then you will actually feel sick. Gal and I put a lot of effort and thinking into raising healthy kids and the thought of them being "sick" every time they needed to rest made me feel sick ;P

I fully understand that people need some a break from time to time and the regular days off on weekends and public holidays are good, but they do not always come at the right time or provide enough relief. It makes sense to me that kids do not plan to need time off exactly on those days, so it is just natural that they want time off on a school day.

The problem with "being sick" is that you cannot really enjoy the day and rejuvenate, which defeats the purpose of taking a day off. Taking these needs into consideration, I came up with a solution that has been working for me for over 12 years.

No more sick kids

I told the kids that if they are healthy the whole term (each term is about 10 weeks long), they can pick a day in each term to have a break and on that day, we can do some fun things together. There are some rules to this contract:

1. You cannot pick an exam day
2. You must let me know ahead, so I can plan it and be home with you
3. You cannot pick the same day as your sibling (this allow me to spend individual time with each one of my kids, although on special circumstances, we have had lots of fun with the whole family)

Advantages of picking a day off over being sick

There are many advantages to picking your day off when you are healthy over saying, "Mom, I'm sick" and pretending to be sick.

• The greatest advantage is that kids do not associate having time off with being sick, so they are sick less often.
• I have seen so many people that say, "I can't out so that no one will see me, because I'm supposed to be sick in bed". Not much fun being stuck at home. On a planned day off, you can do whatever you like.
• You do not have to lie to the teachers, so this is a good reward for being honest. I always send a letter to the teacher beforehand and say, "Noff is going to be away on that day". I never lie about this. Remember, teachers and schools are giving you a service and being afraid to be honest is not good for your relationship with your service provider. The teachers will appreciate that more. They know that some parents write "sick" letters even when their kids are not sick (because they do it themselves).
• You can arrange for one of your or your partner to take a day off instead of having to ask family members, neighbors and friends to take care of your sick child.
• You can pick better days for time off so that your child does not miss things that are important to them at school.

I have had this agreement with my kids for 12 years. Tsoof hardly ever used those days, because he was busy and did not want to miss out. In the last two weeks of term, I would ask him, "Which day would you like to take off?" and he would say, "Monday ... no, I don’t want to miss Show Choir ... Tuesday ... no, I don't want o miss Wind Ensemble ... Wednesday ... no, I don't want o miss Drama ... Thursday ... no, I don’t want to miss Percussion Ensemble ... Friday ... no, I don't want to miss Big Band. That's OK, I won't take a day off this term". This was true almost every term for the last 6 days of his schooling.

This week, Noff asked to take her day off. Our new kitchen was arriving and she wanted to be home to watch it being assembled. I was so happy she just asked to stay home instead of having to pretend she was sick. We had to go to school early to bring back something she had left there, so she went to school without her uniform, walked into her classroom and told everyone she was staying home to watch the instillation of the new kitchen. I was very proud she felt comfortable to tell the truth, not to mention that she had been healthy the whole term.

Please try this at home! It works like magic (you can even reward yourself with a day off after being healthy for 3 months solid).

Happy, healthy parenting,
Ronit

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• Literacy, Numeracy, Emotionacy
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I have been heavily involved in diversity education for years, helping teachers, parents and students learn to accept the differences among people rather than being afraid of those who are different from them. I write programs, run activities and deliver presentations to help them recognize that even behind a person who seems very different there is a human being just like them.

Last month, I saw with my own eyes how this lesson could be taught without lesson plans, without intention, just by letting circumstances unfold and allowing kids to observe.

It was Sunday and our Diversity Tent at the Queensland Multicultural Festival was full of children doing arts and crafts. My daughter Eden (22) came to help me set up early in the morning. When the volunteer who promised to come and help did not show up, my 10-year-old daughter Noff also spent the day with us, helping kids her age and younger draw and paint. We wrote the kids' names in different languages and they were all very happy and excited to see their names written differently.

About half way through the day, a 12-year-old boy came and sat at one of the tables. A gorgeous little girl, who was about 4 years old, wandered over to him and climbed onto one of the seats. The little girl was teeny tiny and did not have any hair. She had a tube taped to her nose with a band-aid. She wrote her name, Joelle, on one of the bookmarks. She was beautiful and it was obvious she was sick and had come straight from hospital for a day of fun at the festival. Everyone looked at her with sadness, feeling a bit uncomfortable. Her brother, who sat next to her, looked up from his coloring and said, "I'm Ashton and this is my sister. She has cancer".

Bam!

Kids are amazing.

Everyone at the stall, both parents and kids, had been looking at her, not sure how to react to her sitting next to their kids with a tube up her nose and no hair and her brother just said it simply, with no reservations and no fluff. We all thanked him silently for doing this.

At some point, another girl, who looked a little younger than the brother, came and joined in with the coloring. A woman called out their names and took some photos.

The little sick girl, Joelle, decided to do our "Friends holding hands" activity. We gave her a cutout of 5 people holding hands to color in. She only colored in 4.

Eden asked her if she did not want to color in the last one and she said, "No. This one is for my other mommy, but my other mommy was sick in her brain and she died".

Our hearts dropped.

"Do you have a new mom?" I asked, wondering if maybe the woman who had taken photos of the kids was the "new mommy", but she said, "No".

At some stage, her brother ran off to find their Dad and then came back to announce that they were going to get ice cream and that Joelle should hurry up and finish. She told him she did not want to go, because she wanted to finish her drawing. When the boy ran off again, Joelle told Eden she wanted ice cream, but she wanted to finish her drawing first. Eden, who was helping at their table, said to her, "We can look after your drawing. You can go have some ice cream and we'll keep it for you until you get back".

She smiled back happily and said, "That would be good. I really want to finish my drawing, but I also want to have ice cream".

When they came back with their ice cream, her dad, who was a good-looking man, sat down next to them as they continued drawing and stroked Joelle's head.

"You have gorgeous kids", Eden said to him.

"Yes, they are. This one's just missing some hair", he smiled.

Eden asked him, "Is she getting better?"

"She's almost there. She needs one more surgery and then 3 months of chemotherapy and she'll be fine", her dad said.

They were an amazing family. The kids were running around from one activity to another and the father looked like he was carrying a bit of burden. Other kids in the tent watched them carefully. Behind the bald head and nose tube, there was a little girl, just like them.

She finished her drawing and I asked her if she wanted to take it with her or paste it on our life-sized wood figures. She decided to paste it on the wood figures. Her dad helped her find an empty spot and she put her work there with a smile on her face, 4 of the 5 figures colored in and a blank one for her mom.

She smiled, said, "Thank You", and skipped away with her dad.

I whispered "Thank you!" towards the little girl for inspiring all the children and parents at the tent and for giving them a real lesson in acceptance.

Kids rock,
Ronit

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Matt was a troublemaker. He disturbed the class, made lots of noises and fought with the other kids in class. It was unbearable. His teacher tried different methods to stop this behavior, but nothing helped, so he invited Matt's presents for a talk.

Matt's parents came to see the teacher and he told them about his failed attempts to calm him down and keep the order in class.

"I've tried everything I could and exhausted my options", said the teacher and asked Matt's parents about his behavior at home.

Matt's dad said, "We've tried everything ourselves. We punish him, we bribe him, but nothing helps".

"Have you tried diagnosing him?" asked the teacher.

"I don't believe in diagnosing. It won't help. It's not practical," said Matt's mom.

"Well, how about giving him Ritalin?" suggested the teacher, "It will calm him down".

"Where do we get Ritalin?" Matt's dad asked.

"Oh, don't worry, I'll arrange this for you. Matt will take one tablet every day before he comes to school and everything will be OK", said the teacher.

"Well, that won't work", said Matt's mom, "Our mornings are very hectic. My husband leaves home early and I rush the kids to school. Who's going to make sure he takes his tablet?"

"OK, then I can help you with this", said the teacher, "I will give him the tablet myself when he gets to school".

"No way!" said Matt's dad, "I don't want all the other kids to see him taking Ritalin. Having a bad reputation can be worse than causing trouble. I don't want my child to suffer from a bad reputation".

The teacher thought about it and said, "I have an Idea. Every day during the first break, I will ask him to go to the staff room and make me a cup of coffee. I will leave his Ritalin in my pigeonhole, he will take one tablet and no one will know about it".

The parents were hesitant a bit, but decided to give it a go.

The plan was brilliant. The teacher left the Ritalin in his pigeonhole in the staff room, explained to Matt what to do and every day during the first break, he asked Matt to go to the staff room and make him a cup of coffee. Matt brought the coffee and everything went smoothly. The environment in class calmed right down. Matt was relaxed, he was no longer nervous, did not get involved in any fights or cause any trouble to his teachers.

Three weeks later, Matt's mom asked him about what was happening in class.

"How's school, Matty?"

"Excellent!" said Matt.

"Is the teacher happy with your behavior?" she asked.

"Oh, yes. Everything's great now. Everyone in the class is happy," said Matt.

"Wow", said Matt's mom, "How come everything got so much better in such a short time?"

"Oh, it's very simple", Matt explained, "Every day, my teacher tells me to get him a cup of coffee. I go to the staff room, make him some coffee, take a tablet from his pigeonhole and put in his coffee. He drinks it and everyone in class is much more relaxed!"

If you are reading this and saying, "Ha, ha, it worked on the teacher", that was no my point. I believe it would have worked even if Matt had thrown the Ritalin into the rubbish bin every day.

You see, perception is a powerful thing. What we believe to be true is sometimes stronger than what happens to us in real life. If we interpret a child's behavior as "troublemaking", we will see troublemaking in every move he or she makes. This is why medical researchers always consider the "placebo effect" to find out if the person reacts to the medication or the thought of being medicated.

When diagnosing kids with learning difficulties, the real problem is often "teaching difficulties". Diagnosing ADD, ADHD, ODD can be a result of "teaching and/or parenting difficulties". We try some strategies and say we have done everything we could.

But we have not!

I had inspiring Special Education teachers that gave me the best belief every teacher and parent needs.

If you have tried some things and the child is still struggling, it only means you have not found a solution ... yet!

How to work with troublemakers

Instead of searching for labels or using a magic pill, search for a solution. Here are some things to keep you focused and to keep you going.

1. Try every approach for at least 3 weeks. It takes 21 days to make a habit and preferably 21 days in a row.
2. If something has worked for someone else and not for you, be happy! You are closer to the solution, because now you know something you did not know before trying it. You know what does not work.
3. Be open minded about potential solutions. If you do not understand something, that does not mean it is out of the question. I was very skeptical about finding a solution for my kids' dairy allergy when I went to see a kinesiologist. I still do not understand how he did it. One visit and $75 later (mostly paid by my health insurance) our life was changed forever.
4. Be creative! If you have tried conventional ways and they have not seemed to work, try something different.
5. Consider the placebo effect. Give your kids Vitamin C in a special container without a label and tell them it is a magic pill and that every child who takes it feels relaxed, calm and able to manage difficulties better within 3 weeks. Tell the teachers to assess the child's behavior during those three weeks. From my experience, the teacher will tell you the child is much calmer. If you want to boost your credibility with your child and with the teacher, tell them an expert has given you this special prescription, along with a story about how expensive the tablets are, how many kids use them and what wonderful results they all get.

If you think you have tried everything, think again. This is an overused phrase and it is never ever true.

If all else fails, before you lose hope, take some Ritalin yourself.

Happy times,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Parental Troubleshooting
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.
• Mom, I’m Sick

Mama knows best

Community nurses will tell you that the phrase "Mama knows best" is true and when a parent feels their child is suffering some kind of problem, they should be taken seriously and the child should be thoroughly checked until the problem is found and fixed. Ronit helps identify kids' problems regularly and is amazed at how many times parents arrive in desperation, having been dismissed and ignored by "the professionals".

So whether you are Mama or Papa, if you suspect your child might be having some sort of a problem, you know best. Do not let anyone put you down or discourage you. Your child is your responsibility and if you say he or she needs help, that is good enough. Keep on searching and doing the best for your child until you succeed.

What's the problem with my child?

Excuse me if I use a computer metaphor, but in the IT world, there are 3 kinds of people: hardware engineers, software developers and implementers. Hardware engineers know how to combine electronic components and build computers. Software developers enable the hardware to do a lot of wonderful things. Implementers (business analysts) choose the best hardware, software, settings and methods to use in a particular context.

Parents, unfortunately, have to be all of them.

Check your kid's hardware

When I was a university student, I was a "big brother" to a disadvantaged boy in 2^nd Grade (let's call him Sunny). The poor kid' father lived somewhere else, money was nonexistent to the point where there was no running water, both his parents had a past of drugs (I had no proof about their present) and he was doing badly at school.

One day, as I was helping Sunny with his homework, he told me he could not see the board in class.

"What do you mean?" I asked, being very inexperienced at the time.

"When I sit in class, I see the teacher's writing on the board very blurry. Most of the time, I can't make out what she writes", he said sadly.

"Where do you sit in class?" I asked.

"I used to sit at the back, but then I could hardly see where the board was, so now I sit in the first row, but it's no good", he said.

"Maybe you need glasses", I suggested.

"I told my mom for a long time about this, but she didn't believe me", Sunny said miserably.

Ronit recently assessed a child who was not poor at all, lived with both his parents and still did poorly at school. After spending some time with him, she realized he did not pronounce words properly. After some specific testing, she concluded his problem was with his hearing.

His mother reacted to this diagnosis as a great revelation and immediately decided to have his hearing checked. After that is corrected, he is likely to go through a period of catching up and eventually have a normal life.

But others are not so lucky. in 1991, Ronit had a girl who was sensitive to the protein in milk. Since much of her diet (she was 2 years old) was dairy food, her nose was runny all the time and she suffered from frequent ear infections. Based on Ronit's diagnosis and recommendation, her mother took her (after months of convincing) to a specialist who operated on her ears and installed ear tubes to relieve the pressure in her ears.

Despite the clear indication that her daughter's health and hearing were affected by her diet, the girl's mother changed nothing. The little girl is now 22 years old and has not caught up with her age group. The period of partial deafness changed this girl's life forever.

So regardless of the symptoms, consider your child's "hardware" first, including eyes, ears, breathing, tongue and mouth, posture, quality and quantity of sleep, food sensitivities, allergies, vitamin and mineral deficiencies and muscle tone. Take your child to a reliable and open-minded doctor, run every suitable test and rule out "organic" causes.

Check your kid's software

Every child is pre-programmed with communication styles (visual, auditory, kinesthetic and/or digital) and love languages (affirmations, services, quality time, physical touch and/or gifts).

A totally healthy child with an excellent pair of eyes and a perfect brain may have great difficulty reading in a noisy place. Once you discover your child is auditory, that makes sense and the solution is clear.

A vital, bouncy child with no vision or hearing problems may struggle at school despite the teacher's best efforts. Once you discover your child is kinesthetic and needs to move, you can work out ways to liberate the little person and help him or her excel and be happy.

This blog contains many posts on stimulating children with various communication styles and a number of posts on supporting the different love languages, so if your child's physical checkups are all clear, read up on communication styles and love languages and check the child's "software".

Check your kid's implementation

Sunny's mother listened to him after a while and took him to an optometrist, who found out Sunny was very near sighted. He prescribed a thick pair of lenses and Sunny's mom, having no money to pay, chose the cheapest frame for them, which would be fully refunded by the government.

Sunny kept doing badly at school.

One day, I wondered about his glasses and asked him to show them to me. He refused and looked ashamed. I told him that there was nothing to be ashamed of and that Ronit has to wear glasses all the time, as did many other people we both knew.

After some convincing, he finally went to his schoolbag and produced a spectacularly ugly pair of glasses. He shyly showed it to me and said quietly, "I'm never wearing these at school. Never ever!"

"Don't you see better with your glasses? This is your chance to see what the teacher writes on the board and keep up", I said.

"I came with my glasses the first time and everyone called me 'four eyes' and laughed at me", he said, nearly in tears, "I told my mom to buy me a different frame, but she didn't listen to me and bought this bulky, ugly one. I look horrible in them and I'll never wear them to school".

Sunny cared a lot more about being accepted socially and having friends to play with than he did about his school performance. For a child who had been abandoned by his father, other people's company was precious and good grades were not going to bring his father back home.

Sometimes, despite our best intentions and due to a whole bunch of grownup considerations, we produce solutions that ignore the context of our kids' life. In some cases, the child will try for a while, but as soon as they have a choice, they will do something different (anyone with teenagers will agree).

We sometimes hear about kids who stayed at home until it was time to go to school and played very little with others. Their start is rough and involves a lot of friction with others, fighting over possession of toys and book, defiance and more. Some parents' reaction to this is to keep their kids at home for another year, until they "grow up" or even choose home schooling for them, believing they have social difficulties.

But without enough social experience, it is not surprising the kids have a hard time initially. What they need is not to grow up but to adjust and learn the rules of engagement, which the other children will quickly teach them. What they need is not more isolation but more time with other kids so that they can adjust faster and at a younger age.

The context makes all the difference sometimes, so check the "implementation".

Easy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.
• The Wonders of Ritalin
• Raising Grownups

If you are a parent of a child who has been diagnosed or suspected as having ADHD and you are considering putting them on Ritalin, this post is for you! I have written about ADHD in this blog before, hoping to empower parents to take control over the health and wellbeing of their children and making sure their kids do not become a label. I hope today's story and video will help you make more informed choices about ADHD and Ritalin.

I have been working in the special education field for 25 years. My amazing mentors and teachers warned me that one day, the inflation in the use of drugs to solve academic or behavioral problems like ADD, ADHD, emotional struggles and even tiredness will be so high that my job would be to stay on guard and offer parents alternatives and hope. I took this job description very seriously, but never in my darkest and most pessimistic dreams have I seen it becoming as big or as scary as this.

I am angry and I want to cry from frustration, because we have lost one more child to a form of organized crime. I am writing this post to recover, to remind myself of my job description, to try and save other children from a horrible fate and to offer hope, only this time I need that hope myself.

Ritalin devastation

Luke was a highly auditory child I worked with after he had been diagnosed with ADHD. I tried to convince his mom to give him coffee to calm him down, because coffee has a calming effect on children with ADHD. She told a friend of hers about this tip and her friend's child relaxed and "became a new child", but Luke's mom never tried it.

I worked with Luke for about 3 months. The increase in his ability to concentration was amazing. Luke was in Prep (the year before First Grade) and through our sessions together, he started reading faster than any of his classmates. He was a lot of fun and we had amazing conversations that you would not expect to have with a 6 year old.

During those three months, despite his progress, every time his mom entered the room to pick him up, he looked worried as if he could sense something bad was happening to her. From time to time, he would ask in an anxious tone, "Mom, what happened?" she would say, "Nothing", but later on, she would cry and tell me she was confused. I did not dig any deeper into her personal life, but it was obvious something had happen during the time she had been away and Luke could sense it in a flash.

I admired Luke's mom, because all through the previous year she had refused to give him medication and had tried different diets, although she had not been consistent or selective in her approach to these diets (she weighed over 140kg and huffed and puffed from shortness of breath). She had taken off many things at once, had not eliminated them from Luke's diet for long enough and had not stopped using some techniques even when they had not worked.

The refusal to medicate Luke ended one day when him mom had a nervous breakdown and the doctor prescribed her antidepressants. This was the day she said, "I can't do this anymore", and handed her power over to the psychologist. The psychologist came to observe Luke in class for half an hour (which is more than some others do), then talked to his parents for an hour and prescribed Ritalin.

One day, Luke did not come to his session with me. I called his mom and she did not answer the phone. I emailed her and she did not reply. I SMSed her and she did not respond. I waited for the following week and Luke still did not show up. I tried all the communication channels again. Nothing. I contacted the school, which had been very helpful during the time I worked with Luke, and found out Luke had stopped coming to school. They thought his family had moved to a different town and said his mom had not replied to any of their communication efforts either.

This week, I went to Luke's school for a project I am running there. I talked to his special education teacher and wanted to cry. I was so angry and wanted to scream out loud. This is my scream. I hope you will be able to read it in between the lines.

Luke was given Ritalin for about 4 months. When his behavior got out of control, he was admitted into a mental institute several times after trying to commit suicide and having incidents of psychotic hallucinations. He went in and out of the mental ward until they concluded he had Schizophrenia and he was given a different medication for that.

For crying out loud, he is 6 years old!

How many kids are victims of this crime?!

I came home devastated. I had lost one more child to the organized crime of drugging kids to death. Luke was just 6 years old and could have killed himself because someone did not bother telling his parents about the risks of taking Ritalin.

I have decided to remind myself of the job description and use this story to warn every parent about treating this dangerous drug as an easy solution for ADHD.

Emergency room visits by kids aged 10 to 14 involving Ritalin intoxication or overdoses have now reached the same level of those visiting for use of cocaine
- Citizen's Commission on Human Rights

The government classifies Cocaine, Morphine and Ritalin in the same category of "highly addictive drugs". No one would give their child Cocaine. Why would you give your child Ritalin?

If you ever consider giving your child Ritalin, do yourself a favor and watch this video first.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Wonders of Ritalin
• Parental Troubleshooting
• Video Games Violence (3): Parenting

Be brave! Keep reading and look carefully at every photo, even though they are scary.

Skeletons

Having a child with Anorexia or any other eating disorder requires strong, brave parents who manage to help their child despite what others might say about them. The problem with Anorexia is that everyone can see it. Most kids do not do a very good job hiding it.

A couple of years ago, I worked with an anorexic woman who was 40 years old and weighed about 25kg (55lbs). Trust me, that was scary! It is not something you can hide very well. When I was in hospital with her, in the mental ward, there were other girls there and not all of them were teens. They looked like skeletons! But it is much harder to notice anorexia when it is developing and people often say, "She's just a bit skinny, that's all. She'll get over it".

Many people think they need to make the anorexic person eat more, but anorexia is a mental problem related to control and it does not go away when you eat more. In fact, taking over control and forcing a girl to eat might only make things worse.

The problem we have in our society is that most women and more and more men have some kind of eating disorder. The exposure to media that tells us how we need to look puts a lot of pressure on people's self-esteem and mental stability. When someone starts showing signs of anorexia, we tend to ignore them by saying, "Everyone these days is dying to be thin". I agree that everyone wants to be slim, but not everyone wants to die for it.

When I talked to the girls in the mental ward, none of them realized their anorexia might kill them. One of them was about 24 years old and the doctors told her she would never be able to have kids, because starvation had damaged her reproductive organs. She had a great explanation for it, "When the body is missing essential nutrients, it takes them from organs that are not vital and reproduction is not vital". She was in hospital for over 4 month and her mother and father did not come to see her even once because of the shame. When we talked, she sounded as if life had been sucked out of her - no joy, no smiles, no motivation, no hope.

Spending a month there with my client, I felt that the joy, the smiles and the motivation were seeping out of me, fast. I was happy to go home in the evenings.

Yet, when I took the group of them, including one in a wheelchair, because she could not stand on her feet, to the nearby shopping center for supplies and lunch, they all behaved like little kids in a toy store. I spent the whole day trying to convince the ward it would be healthy for them to go out, see people, breathe fresh air and want things to buy, because wanting is a very important factor in healing, especially wanting to live. Sometimes I could swear the hospital was making it worse. If your daughter develops anorexia, you should do everything you can to make sure she is never hospitalized.

Much like in many health problems, early diagnosis is vital to good recovery. A person with anorexia will try to hide it, but if you establish good relationships with your kids and you see them getting dressed sometimes, it will be easy to notice that something has changed. Anorexia is a way to cope with a problem and it gives the person temporary relief. If you pay attention to your children's physical and behavioral changes, you will notice that something is wrong easily and quickly. It may not mean your child is anorexic, but it is something you need to pay attention to. In Special Education, we say that we need to see enough "red lights" to confirm a diagnosis and I think this is also a wise way of reacting to anorexia. But when you see enough red lights, it is time to seek help.

Anorexia warning signs

Here is a list of anorexia warning signs. Since every person is different, they come in different combinations, but when you know your kids well, you will spot them.

• Obsessively counting calories and being very rigid about what they eat
• Skipping meals
• Fasting without medical guidance
• Swapping meals with fluids
• Avoiding particular foods for no health reason
• Taking vomiting tablets
• Taking laxatives - you can see they go to the toilet immediately after meals, so listen to check if they vomit too
• Sudden interest in "healthy eating"
• Not wanting to eat food they used to like
• Constantly claiming they have eaten already - it is OK from time to time, but when it becomes a habit, something is wrong
• Talking about food as "good" or "bad"
• Avoiding social gatherings where food is served or, if they have to go, saying, "I am allergic/sensitive to..." or "I have eaten already" when you know it is not true
• Excessive or compulsive exercise - some people love to exercise and there is nothing wrong with it, but being obsessive about it is not healthy. Obsession can be exercising no matter what or showing distress when not being able to exercise
• Being obsessed with diets - developing a sudden interest in weight-loss programs, websites and recipes, showing extreme interest in celebrities' shapes and diets, eating slowly, eating with teaspoon and cutting food into tiny pieces
• Generally, obsessive behavior is a sign there is some disorder. When people insist on eating at a specific time, having the same rituals, drinking from a certain cup or sitting in a specific place, it is a sign of obsessive behavior. Eating disorders are obsessive behaviors related to food. Changes shake their world. Even if it does not seem major, pay attention and address it when it starts
• Avoiding social activities and not enjoying things they used to enjoy before
• Never being hungry
• Lying about what they have eaten - anorexics are not all sophisticated. For example, you can tell when they bring back their lunch box full. One of my clients discovered many sandwiches behind her son's bed, which he had thrown at the end of the day so she would not know he had not eaten them
• Sudden weight loss or a change of clothing style to wearing big clothes and long sleeves so no one would notice the loss of weight. Look at their hands and legs. If you think they look like a skeleton, something might be wrong
• Feeling cold most of the time - a lack of nutrients affects our ability to keep ourselves warm
• Not having a regular period - it is very important for every mother to know when her daughter gets her period so that when something has changed, she will notice. Remember, reproduction is not vital. If your daughter wakes up in ten years and says, "Oh, I want to have kids now", it may be too late
• Feeling tired most of the time and not being able to perform regular activities
• Fainting or feeling dizzy
• Lots of complaining about being overweight. It is good when kids complain about their problems, so you should be very happy when they complain, because you know what they are facing and you can help them. However, when the complaint seems unrealistic and does not stop no matter what you do, it is a bad sign
• Anxiety around mealtime and general moodiness and irritability - these are usually signs that something is bothering them and it is much like the complaining
• Expressing feelings of "out of control" - remember, eating disorders are actually control problems. It is your daughter's way of gaining control over her life. Help her regain a sense of control. Give her choices, even create opportunities to choose and let her know she is in control of her life
• Expressing feelings of shame, unworthiness and guilt - generally, these are not healthy feelings. They may not be signs of anorexia, but it is one of those "red lights" that we need to pay attention to, particularly when others are "turned on"

Anorexia is typically a problem among women, although there are more and more cases of boys with anorexia. Pay attention to your boys the same way you pay attention to your girls.

Anorexia can develop from social triggers, chemical imbalances and other reasons, but so can other thing. If your child is showing the signs above, maybe they are developing anorexia and maybe not, but whatever the problem, early intervention is always better than having to convince a 40-year-old weighing 25kg to eat.

Be brave! Read the signs!

Happy and healthy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Anorexia: Model Parenting
• Stories: Fact or Fiction?
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.

I have always believed that fat was a result of heavy thoughts, because the mind is a powerful thing. Now, I have the research to back it up.

The show "You are what you eat" showed people they had full responsibility over what they ate. I think they can call it "You are what you think", because a recent research discovered that our thoughts have a direct impact on what we eat - we gain weight when we have "fat thoughts".

In recent times, "light" became a keyword for food shoppers. We are convinced that in order to be healthy we need to eat "light" food - no fat, no calories, no sugar, no salt, etc. Well, our body reacts badly to it. The more we try to be healthy, the harder it is to lose weight.

Why is that?

In a research done in Yale with the really cool name Mind over milkshakes: Mindsets, not just nutrients, determine Ghrelin response, participants were given milkshakes with 380 calories. Each participant was given the same 380-calorie milkshake on two different occasions - once, they were told that it was "The 140-calorie Sensible Shake" and the other time, they were told it was "The 620-calorie Indulgent Shake".

Their blood was sampled three times, 20 minutes before drinking the milkshake - this was the baseline - and twice more at the 60-minute and 90-minute marks. Each time, the blood test measured the gut peptide Ghrelin, which creates the feeling of hunger. The more Ghrelin you have, the hungrier you are.

The participants were also asked to rate their satisfaction and their answers were consistent with what they thought they were drinking. They rated the "Sensible" shake as 7 times healthier, but enjoyed the "Indulgent" shake much more and found it far more satisfying.

Surprisingly, those who believed their milkshake was the "Sensible" low-calorie shake also showed an increase in their Ghrelin levels, meaning they were hungrier after having the shake than those who thought they were drinking a 620-calorie milkshake. Their body agreed with their mind.

This research had some conclusions I think everyone should be aware of:

1. What we think about our food has a strong impact on our feeling of hunger and satisfaction.
2. What we think about our food has a stronger impact on our body than the nutritional value of the food does.
3. Over time, the thought that healthy food contains fewer calories makes people believe their food is not satisfying and they feel hungrier after they eat it.

How to raise kids with "light" thoughts

(you can use them on yourself too)

1. Stop counting calories. Make sure your kids do not see you paying attention to calories. Counting calories may be a good technique for people to manage their diet, but if they believe their food is not satisfying, they want to eat more.
2. Do not talk to your kids about dieting. Even if you are avoiding things or changing your eating habits, do not call this "a diet". The mind associates dieting with avoidance and with prevention of joy and satisfaction, which will backfire. Dieting only links bad feelings with food, which is a pleasurable and necessary part of life.
3. Advertising low-calorie food as healthy can trick us into buying it, but it cannot trick our body into thinking it is good for us.
4. Tell your kids their body is wise and will make them eat as much as they need. Teach them to listen to their body and pay attention to the signs of "fullness", "hunger" and "thirst". When we listen to our body, we notice when we eat too much.
5. Teach your kids that every person is different and what is good for one may not be good for others, so they need to find what is good for them.
6. Teach your kids the concepts of "balance" and "moderation". It is OK to eat junk food from time to time. It is OK to drink fizzy, colorful and sweet drinks from time to time. It is OK to bring take-away food home from time to time. However, moderation is the name of the game and most of their food should be nutritious.
7. Continual dieting is a form of eating disorder. It is better to have kids who are a bit overweight than to create an eating disorder, which is much harder to fix later on. If your kids have to lose some weight, do not call it a diet. Present it as a new way of eating for the whole family. Dieting should never be seen as punishment (for eating too much or not eating "right"), so if you are not 100% sure a change of eating habits will do the trick, do not start.
8. Teach your kids to enjoy food and not to be afraid of food. Food is not an enemy. Joy goes together with satisfaction. Sugar and fat cravings increase with stress, so when you are satisfied and relaxed, you do not eat too much.

Be happy. That is the lightest thought ever!
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Raise Food-Smart Kids
• Don’t eat and run
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Food

My doctor was great. He did not just give me supplements but was very determined to find the source of the deficiency. I went through a series of checks that ended up discovering I do not have the enzyme required to digest lactose, the sugar in cow's milk. It was sad to learn that (I love milk, yoghurt and cheese), but at the same time relieved, because it could have been worse.

During that period, I met a friend who had discovered she had Lupus (an autoimmune disease) and had almost died from organ failure. For the two previous years, she had taken chemotherapy medication, looked half-dead and we had all been very worried about her. When we met, she was still on the same medication, but she looked amazingly better than ever.

When I asked her how she had recovered so well, she said she had discovered she was gluten intolerant and had decided to stop eating gluten. I asked her if she had Celiac (my doctor had sent me to check that too and, thank God, I do not have it) and she said, "No, I don't, but I figured I could try not eating gluten for a while and if I felt better, I'd know it was a good choice".

That was 6 months ago.

Our daughter Noff has a good friend who lives across the street. From time to time, the girls cook or bake in our house and take some of their creations to share with the other family. One day, when we brought over something made of flour, the neighbor said to me her husband was gluten intolerant.

That was 3 months ago.

At Eden's work, each of the team members brings food to share with everyone once a week. One of the women is on a gluten free diet and Eden was very upset that the others did not bring gluten free dishes to accommodate her. Whenever it was Eden's turn, she always looked for gluten free dishes.

Last month, I organized another get-together with my lady friends. One of them had battled weight, smoking and low energy for over 15 years until she had found a doctor who had decided, just as my doctor had, to find the source. On top of sending her to millions of checkups and tests, he had suggested she try taking gluten out of her diet.

On the same evening, as we sat next to one of the friends' house pool, watching possums climbing up and down the trees, another woman said, "Oh, I wanted to tell you I've been gluten free for 3 months now and I feel awesome. I feel I can think clearly. It's like having new prescription glasses that make everything look clear and crisp".

At that point, I said to myself, "This must be a sign".

I knew what she meant, because about 20 years ago, Gal and I changed our eating habits and this was exactly the feeling we had - thinking clearly, like changing prescription glasses. I have also changed several prescription glasses over the last 25 years…

As I came home, I realized that although the topic of the evening was not gluten free diets, this was the only thing I remembered. So I decided to try. "What do I have to lose?" I asked myself.

I can probably write a whole blog just about my gluten free adventure, but I think I will share with you just what has happened so far.

1. One month passed and everyone who hears about it freaks out and immediately says, "I couldn't do it". People! Wake up! You can do everything. It is no different from giving up sugar, reducing fat or avoiding coffee. If you ask me, it is better than being lactose intolerant, because I like dairy food more than I like bread (it is not like I could choose anyway).
2. Rice is my friend. Having rice noodles is a perfect replacement. I love rice paper rolls and I love sushi.
3. Since we changed our diet 20 years ago, I have been reading the labels on all food products, but this made me read them again and look for other things.
4. The supermarket is full of gluten free replacements that are not as good as the "real" thing. We set a goal to find perfect replacements and have found a mud cake mix that is super perfect. I can eat it and the kids love it.
5. Since gluten intolerant buyers have less of a choice and the market is smaller, most gluten free replacements are way more expensive than the products they replace.
6. The kids actually like some of the gluten free things I buy, which proves again that kids will eat anything you put in front of them if you present it right.
7. The limited selection forces me to eat more homemade and fresh food. This way, I know what goes into what I eat and it is generally good for my health.
8. After 3-4 days, I felt less hungry. Another bonus.
9. The real challenge for me is thinking about what I eat. I hate that! I often say I would rather skip a meal than have to prepare it. This is where Gal comes in real handy…
10. It is a bit harder when the family meal contains lots of gluten and I need (or Eden, because she is so supportive and helpful) to make a separate meal for me and for the family. I do not like it that we do not all eat the same thing.
11. Luckily, I do not have Celiac and I can cheat from time to time.
12. Last night, I had another ladies' night and it was easy to choose what to eat from the variety of food on the table. You do not even have to say that you are gluten free most of the time.
13. I lost 4kg (9lbs).

We'll see how well this continues.

Be happy and healthy,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Raise Food-Smart Kids
• The "Light Thinking" Diet
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Food

Genia was about 62 years old. She looked beautiful and fit, but there was a bitter tone in her voice. On our way to the doctor's office, she said to me, "I think I have started to forget things". When I asked her about her family, she told me about her sons and her grandchildren, but could not remember where they lived. "Somewhere, not far from me. I cannot remember the name of the suburb", she said. I do not remember the names of all the suburbs around mine, so at first, I did not think much of it.

The Doctor, a young man who looked 20 years old, asked Genia for her medical history.

"Do you have lung issues?" he asked.

"No, I am perfectly fine", she answered.

"I can see here on the system that you admitted yourself to the emergency room 4 times in the last year for pain in your chest", he kept asking nicely.

"Oh, that was nothing. Everyone has pain in the chest from time to time. Do not you?" she asked me.

I smiled and said, "No, not really".

"I can see here on the system that you have Asthma", the young doctor continued.

"No, I do not have Asthma", Genia said with a little anger, "The doctor just wrote that to prevent me from smoking".

"Do you smoke?" he asked.

"Yes, and I asked to be buried holding a cigarette. I am not going to stop smoking. I have worked all my life, I do not drink alcohol, I do not chase men and smoking is what makes me happy. Do not tell me anything about smoking", she became upset. All that time, I did no interpretation for her and I wondered why they had asked me to come.

"Sorry, ma'am, I'm just trying to find out what your health condition is and see if that can explain your memory loss incident. How many cigarettes do you smoke every day?" he asked.

"One packet only. It's not bad. I used to smoke 3 packets a day. One packet is nothing", she said, still a bit cross.

"Well", the doctor said in an apologetic tone, "As a matter of fact, it is serious. One packet a day is quite a lot and can make things worse for you".

At that point, Genia said, in a language he could not understand. "You see, they do not even give you proper doctors here. They give you these students, because they do not really give a damn". I thought the doctor looked young too, but I was not convinced he was just a student, so I asked her, "Are you sure?

The doctor just smiled. I did not think I needed to interpret that. He said he would run a test to find the extent of her memory loss. She said, "I do not need tests", and he took the time to explain to her patiently that the test was the reason she came to see him. She did not really like it, but after a lot of convincing, she said "OK".

The doctor asked her some questions about location and time. She did not know the suburb she was in, but she knew the name of the state. She did not know what day of the week it was. "I live in a retirement village, where every day is the same as the next, so I can't tell what day it is".

The doctor started writing things in his file and looked in his cabinet for papers. I asked Genia if she was going to meet her grandchildren or children on the weekend and she said she was.

"Did you see them yesterday?" I asked and she started complaining about her son. "If he comes, I need him to leave. I can't stand it when he comes". I was not sure if she was joking or not. I thought that talking about the coming weekend would remind her that it was Monday, but it did not.

The doctor said to Genia, "Let's say you wanted to go to the supermarket to buy tea, sugar, cooking oil and soup. Can you repeat the things you need to buy?" She looked at him and said, "No".

"Come on, try, you have on your list tea, sugar, cooking oil and soup".

She said, "Cooking oil", and tried really hard to remember the rest. "This is so embarrassing", she said to me privately.

The doctor asked her to repeat "tea" alone and she said "tea". Then, he followed with each item on the list and she repeated them all correctly, but when he asked her to repeat the list, she said "tea" and could not remember the rest. She was very frustrated and said, "One out of four is not bad. I'm happy with that".

I admired her for keeping a positive outlook at that frustrating scene, but during the 3-hour appointment, she said about 40 times, "One out of two is not bad. I'm happy with that", trying to comfort herself.

At one point, the doctor asked Genia to show him things with her right or left hand. She did not do it properly and confused her right with her left. She turned to me and said, "I never had a sense of direction. This is why I never had a driving license".

I suggested she tell the doctor about it, but she refused. Then, she said to me, "I have such a bad sense of direction that one day, I went out and could not find my way back home". I told her that this is very important information and that she should tell the doctor. "It's embarrassing", she said. "Would you like me to tell him?" I asked and she said, "Yes, I'm too embarrassed to tell him myself".

It was almost funny. She was a mature woman, but she acted like a child. I told the doctor. He brought a piece of paper with a drawing of a square and a circle and asked her to copy the shapes. She refused. "I'm not a child", she said. He explained that it would really help him find out what the problem was.

I remembered this test from my special education assessments and knew it was an important test, so I told her, "You can do it. It's not a test for kids. I did this test during my studies" (which was true), so she sat there and tried to copy the shapes, but was unsuccessful. It was amazing to see how much effort she put into it without success. Every 20 seconds, she said, " I can't", and both the doctor and I said, "That's fine, just keep going". She tried again for a little while, but the shapes she drew were not even close the original shapes. "I told you I'm not an artist", she said, and when she put her pen down, she said, "That's not bad. I'm happy with that".

The doctor asked Genia about her life and her education. While we talked outside, she told me she had managed a migrant hostel, but when he asked her, she said she had served food at a migrant hostel. He asked her about her parents and she told him she used to speak 3 languages. At first, I thought she was making it up, but at some stage, she joked with the doctor and told him a quote in Hungarian and translated it for us into English.

The doctor then tried giving her another list of things. It was also a list of 4 items and the same thing happened again. About 20 seconds after he finished saying the items in the list, she could not repeat it. He repeated the list more than a dozen times, but hearing it again did not help.

The doctor took Genia to a bed and asked her to stick her tongue out. She started laughing hysterically for about 3 minutes. The whole thing seemed very amusing to her and she behaved like a child.

The doctor said she would need to bring her son with her in two months so he would be able to talk with a family member to learn a bit more about the implications of her memory loss. She said, "No, you don't need my son to come. I'm telling you I'm losing my memory".

"How long has this been happening?" the doctor asked.

"Ten years", she said.

It was scary to hear that, although I did not know if it was true, because Genia's notion of time and sequence was not very stable.

The doctor was very patient. He said, "Ma'am, you need to talk to your son and arrange a power of attorney". Being a Justice of Peace, I tried to explain to her what that was and the importance of arranging it while she still could. She was very angry and said, "I'm not signing anything". Both the doctor and I tried to explain she was not giving anything away, but she kept saying, "I'm not giving him anything" until the doctor gave up.

After 3 hours, Genia and I left the rehabilitation ward. I asked her if someone was picking her up and she said she needed to take the train, but did not know where it was. I escorted her to the train station and asked her if she was doing anything to stimulate her mind. "I worked all my life. Now it is my time to rest. I want to do nothing at all", she said. I asked her if she had any hobbies and she said again, "I worked hard all my life. I don't want to do anything hard". I asked her, "What about something fun?" and she said, "Nothing is fun".

I thought about my mom who is 71 years old and my dad who is about 78 years old and taught himself to use the computer and still does Sudoku and crossword puzzles. I am so lucky they are active and doing things to stimulate themselves. Maybe they are lucky they have passed the test of time - Alzheimer (Dementia).

This whole incident was so scary for me. Genia stood there before the train arrived and gave me a summary of our 3 hours together. She worked hard. Things were not that bad. Remembering one item out of two was good and losing your way home was something that happened to everyone.

I gave her my contact details, in case she wanted to talk, and slowly walked to my car. All the way home, I heard Sting's song playing in my mind:

On and on the rain will fall like tears from a star (like tears from a star)
On and on the rain will say how fragile we are (how fragile we are)

Blessings for a good memory,
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck: Art Fights Depression
• In Excess
• Money for Nothing