When this happens, I tell them there is something good about being unhappy. They always look at me surprised, thinking I have fallen on my head, but gradually, they understand that being unhappy and going to see a life coach is a wonderful sign that your body is talking to you and you are listening and actually doing something about it.

Congratulations, you are unhappy!

If you are unhappy with something in your life, congratulations! You are aware of your best navigating compass - your feelings.

Some people think happiness is an airy-fairy thing that cannot be explained and understood, not to mention controlled. Many people say they want to control their feelings in fear that their feelings might take over and control them.

But feelings do not have a mind of their own. They are a compass that lets us know where we should or should not go, we just have to look at it from time to time and see the direction it is pointing to. It is very simple. If it says, "I am not happy", change directions. If it says, "I am happy", keep going the same way.

I think this realization has helped me lots in life. When some of my friends, who know I am a happiness coach, ask me, "Well, Ronit, What is your formula for happiness?" I answer, "Tune into your body and let your feelings guide you".

"The Zone"

Think of your body (your "gut feelings") as a thermometer that tells you the level of your happiness. Unlike our body temperature, which needs to be in the same range for everyone to be healthy, the optimal happiness "temperature" differs from person to person. This is the temperature that makes us feel good - not overly excited, but not miserable either. This is called" The Zone".

Most people do not live in the zone. There are six reasons for not living in our zone.

We do not know where our zone is

It is because we do not think there is such a thing, so we do not look for it. I see many clients that do not think it is possible for them to be happy. Some think they will never experience it or that they never have.

I think this is the biggest problem for those who think they do not deserve happiness. They have developed a belief that happiness is a reward, something you must earn through hard work and good behavior. Sounds familiar?

We avoid searching for our zone because we are afraid to feel pain

We prefer not to feel pain, but think what would happen to you without the feeling of pain if you put your hands in a fire or spend a long time in the snow.

I think people do this only because they are so far from their zone and hurt so much they think of not feeling anything as a cure, when in fact, their feeling of too cold or too hot is a way for their body to protect them from greater harm. Unhappy feelings are the same - they protect us from greater harm. They function as guards to prevent us from going towards complete self-destruction.

We pay too much attention to what makes others happy

We think that other's optimal temperature is THE desired temperature. Many people say they cannot breathe in Thailand, yet I felt like that was my zone. At 90-95% humidity and high temperatures, I was at my best.

Do you really think this was THE happy temperature? No! It was just MY zone. I know some people who find it a great zone too, while others find it unbearable. Looking at other people's zone is a good way to get ideas about possible zones, but people have different values and needs and every person needs to examine these options and find his/her own.

We are so far away from the zone we cannot see it

Some people do not live in the zone because they are so far from it they lose sight of it. Think about it like a diet. Your optimal weight/temperature/happiness weight is 60kg. Then, something happens and you are tired, work too much, have pressure at work and you are just a little bit unhappy when you stand on the scales and see 62kg.

You tell yourself it is impossible to be happy at all times, it is just a little bit of extra weight/temperature/unhappiness, you have heard it is important to accept yourself as you are, life is full of compromises, you cannot be a super parent and a model and a cleaner and a business woman and an athlete and a great lover at the same time, and there are only 24 hours in one day. Gradually, you get to 75kg (which seems sudden, but is not), your temperature is so high you are burning and you are are so far from your zone you do not remember you were once happy.

Do you know how many clients tell me, "I don't think I ever loved my partner", as a way for them to recover after their partner has packed their things and left? When I ask, "How long had you been unhappy?" they say one year, two years and sometimes more. Their optimal relationship zone was around 60, but by the time their partner left, it had gradually reached 200. Who can survive at 200 for a long time?

Getting used to being "just a little bit unhappy" is one of the worst things in our life. People confuse compromise with flexibility. A little bit of unhappiness is not the end of the world, but it is a sign we are not going in the right direction. We should not panic, but we should certainly do something about it.

We expect others to make us happy

Another reason I can see with many client is they can recognize their unhappiness, they know that it is not a good sign, but instead of thinking, "My body is telling me I need to change direction", they say, "My body is telling me that someone else (sometimes even everyone else) around me needs to change direction". They complain, they criticize and judge others for their actions and behavior, believing that if others change to their temperature, they will be happy.

They are like the guy in the joke who calls his wife on the phone and she tells him, "They're saying on the radio there's a lunatic where you are driving in the wrong direction", and he tells her, "One lunatic? They're all lunatics here driving in the wrong direction. I seem to be the only decent driver out here".

This attitude only feeds the unhappiness and anchors it. Assuming that the people around you need to live at your temperature guarantees everyone will be unhappy. People who do not take responsibly for their happiness feel very frustrated most of the time and when you tell them to take control over their own happiness, they say that they do it by telling others about their "little unhappiness".

Your body is talking to you, not to anyone else!

We focus on temporary happiness substitutes

As a result of throwing the responsibility on others, some people give up on real happiness and search instead for artificial ways to be happy, or should I say, they focus on getting rid of their unhappiness in an artificial way. They search for the answers outside of them, instead of inside. So they drink alcohol, take drugs, smoke, overeat, go to the doctor and ask for antidepressants, seek alternative healers to give them magic potions, but they do not understand that no doctor and no pill can help them find their zone, because there is no such thing as "one size fits all".

They may feel better for a short time, sometimes even a very short time, but things will get worse straight after. Happiness is a choice and no one else can choose it for you.

How to find your happiness zone

Every person needs to find their own zone and focus on living in it. Some people become missionaries after finding their zone. They try telling everyone else how to live, but again, they assume there is one right temperature or definition of happiness. It is good to understand that examining each area of our life will help us fine-tune our own definition.

Here is a list of questions that will help you find your zone. Ask them often. You have all the answers. Notice the questions are not about what you imagine your zone is but what you have experienced in the past.

What makes me happy? Make a list of what makes you happy, do the 100 list. This is a good way to find your zone.

In what circumstances have I felt at my best? It was easy for me to find out the optimal temperature.

What makes me unhappy? Focus on your feeling and pay attention to being irresponsible. If you are not happy because of someone else, this is the reason you are not happy - you are throwing the responsibility on them.

In which areas of my life do I compromise with being "just a little bit unhappy"? Remember, this is a "silent killer". No one reaches extra weight/temperature suddenly. It happens a little bit every time we compromise on wanting to be happy. Find areas where you are "a little bit unhappy" and think of what you can do to change them. If you feel resentment towards your solution, it is still out of the zone. Resentment is not a happy feeling. Solutions that work may be difficult, but they will make you feel hopeful and inspired.

Although I do not believe we can be happy all the time, I do believe we need to aim to be there. And we cannot change everything in our life either. Some things we are not happy about and we cannot change. We need to accept them instead. Acceptance is not the same as compromise. In acceptance, there is contentment. In compromise, there is still resentment.

Happiness is not a reward for good behavior or success. It is reward for paying attention and taking responsibility. Our body is talking. We need to choose to listen and act.

May the force be with you!
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Make a List: My Fears
• Attitude, Awareness, Authenticity

As a life coach, I talk a lot about wanting. I believe wanting is essential in life. It is the driving force of our existence. But today, I want to tell you about a session on my life coaching deck that reminded me again why the question "Why?" is as important as the question "What?" Chris, one of my wonderful clients, taught me a wonderful lesson about what happens when you do not know why.

All I knew about Chris was that he was a businessman in his early fifties, married, with no kids and a lack of motivation who was looking for a life coach. Nothing special. We all have those periods in our life when we just find it hard to get up in the morning.

This is what I told myself when I prepared for his session. The first time he came, when I opened the door, I saw from the corner of my eyes a classy Mercedes Benz parked outside. Well, the first thing I could think of was "Oh my god, what a beautiful car". I have to say it made me more curious about the reason he came. I thought that car was the result of lots of motivation.

Chris came out onto my deck, looked around and admired the yard. "What a beautiful place", he said, "Do you see all your clients here?" he asked. He seemed very friendly.

"Yes, I do. It makes everyone very relaxed, including me", I smiled.

He put his car keys on the table and said, "It's true. I feel relaxed already". He sat at the table and I asked him a bit about his life.

Life coaching involves some detective work. I take the puzzle pieces and try to put them together, looking for the piece that has the most important items on it, the piece that will make the picture clear. I asked and he was happy to answer. I think in some way, he wanted my help and presence to think out loud.

"Why are you here, Chris? What do you want?" I asked him.

He looked confused. "I really don't know. I think something's wrong with me".

Some people just do not know what they want. They sense that something is wrong and their life could be better, but they cannot put their finger on it. Asking "What do you want?" can open doors to places where they do not tend to go by themselves.

"What do you mean 'Something is wrong with me'?" I asked.

"I have a beautiful wife. We've been together 30 years now. I love her and she loves me ... I have a business that turns over millions of dollars every year ... I bought myself the car of my dreams last year", he said and I immediately thought about the classy car parked outside my house and I was sure many people have the same dream, "I have good friends that I see from time to time ... I go to church every weekend ... I have everything I wanted in life and still, there is something wrong with me".

My first reaction was, "Wow, this sounds like the perfect life. Why on Earth would any person who has everything everyone only dreams of say that something is wrong with him, but then Chris said, "I'm not happy".

Happiness is like a barometer. I think that people who realize this may feel a bit scared at first, but they have a great potential to be powerful.

"Why aren't you happy?" I asked.

"I don't know. I wish I could figure this out myself", he said. He looked sad.

When he was 16, Chris was kicked out of a very poor, disturbed home. After spending time as a homeless teen, hungry on the cold streets of England, he made up his mind to be a millionaire. "I knew I would be a millionaire one day. I've had hundreds of businesses over the years. I became a millionaire officially two years ago. Unfortunately, it had taken me 35 years to do it".

"Do you think something is wrong with you because it took you 35 years to become a millionaire?" I asked him.

"Yes, of course", he said, "Don't you think it's too long?"

"Some people spend their whole life trying and never become millionaires", I said to him, "I know many people who would be thrilled with being millionaires after 35 years. It's much better than never".

He looked at me surprised and said, "That's a good point. You're right".

Chris was sharp. The way he responded made me think that he was looking for someone to challenge his thinking and to help him thinking.

"What makes you happy?" I asked.

He hesitated and answered like a child who has been caught doing something bad. "Beer ... I get up in the morning and think of beer ... when I'm at work, I can only think of beer ... when I come back home, I only want beer".

I thought to myself, "What a waste. He reminds me of kids and their attitude to school breaks. Throughout the whole year, they look forward to the next school break, but when the long summer break finally arrives, they do not know what to do with all that spare time. I would have done so many things with that money. I wonder if Chris thought the same way before he had all that money".

"Do you only think of beer and want beer or do you actually drink beer?" I asked.

"Oh, I drink beer all day, but it doesn't even make me happy anymore. I told you something was wrong with me", he said.

It was funny, hearing a 50-year-old man talking like a child. "What's the problem with drinking beer all day?" I asked.

"I don't enjoy it and it makes me unhappy. I think I'm addicted", he said.

"Define addiction", I said. After hearing so many clients defining "addiction", I have perfected my own definition the word, but I wondered about his.

"Addiction is when you want something more and more, but when you get what you want, it is not satisfying and you want even more of it. It is a never-ending cycle. It gives you temporary comfort, but over time, it is less and less comforting and you need more and more of it", he said.

This trick always worked. When asked about addiction, every client comes up with a definition that sounds like it is the first time they have thought about it. The trick is to make them hear themselves defining it.

"When did you start drinking?" I asked him.

"I've been drinking all my life, but you know, once a week, nothing serious. I'm not sure exactly when I started drinking more. I think about two or two and a half years ago".

I had a feeling I had heard him talking about this timeframe. "What triggered it? Did something special happen back then, two or two and a half years ago?" I asked.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing", he said, playing with his car keys, then suddenly stopped.

We had about 2 minutes of silence. He looked at me and his eyes were shining. He knew exactly when his drinking had started. "It started at a party my wife and I organized for the whole office after I signed a big contract. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and I was in panic. I think I'm still in panic", he said with long pauses, as if he was talking to himself and thinking out loud.

"What was it that scared you so much?" I asked.

He sat back in his chair and played with his car keys again. There was another long period of silence. Then, he said, "I think I realized it didn't have the power I thought it did".

"What power?" I asked.

"The power to make me happy, the power to fix everything, the power to feel loved. I was given a magic lamp and there was nothing magic about it. All my life, I'd said, 'When I become a millionaire, it will fix everything' and it fixed nothing. I was the same man. It was so devastating I started to drink. I'm addicted to beer. Every day, I drink more than the previous day and it doesn't help".

When he talked about the magic lamp, I understood that most people think the same about money. They are addicted to making money. They want more of it, they make more of it, but it is never enough. The second you look in your bank account provides temporary comfort, but every time, the joy last less and less time. It is painful to find out that what you wanted all your life was not exactly what you thought it would be. Chris was just one more guy who was addicted to making money. He was just an addicted millionaire.

Addiction, from my experience, is a mindset. If you overcome one, you usually replace it with something else. Sometimes, I think it is a bottomless pit, caused by pain, that people try to fill in ways that only make the emptiness bigger. I had found the most valuable piece in this puzzle. Chris and I talked about addiction and I asked him to think of all the things in his life he was addicted to, based on his definition of addiction.

"I'm addicted to money", he said in relief.

Mostly poor people are addicted to money, because they are far more focused on wanting money than on what they would do with that money once they got it. They dedicate most of their energy in life to making money and not enough to using it well. They know what they want, but not why they want it.

Chris had been addicted to money since he was 16 years old. He had been in such pain from being thrown out of his home and living on the streets without food, he developed the belief that money was the cure for all his pains. He had started business after a business. He had failed and gotten up and earned more and more and finally, when he had reached his desired goal of being a millionaire and it had not filled up the emptiness, he had lost his motivation and wanted to drown himself in his disappointment, so he had swapped one addiction with another.

Emptiness cannot be filled with sugar, food, alcohol, money, drugs or any other addiction. Emptiness can only be replaced by a feeling of gratitude, self-appreciation, acceptance, forgiveness and a strong feeling of love.

The millionaire game

It was the end of the session and Chris and I came up with a strategy for our next session. I told him next time we would play the "Millionaire game". I started playing this game when I was 24 and I had my first business. At home, we play it very often with the kids. In this game, we imagine what we would do with lots of money. When we talk about what we want to do with that money, it can help us find the why, the pain or discomfort we want this money to heal. If we know what we are missing in life, we can make good use of our money by buying this feeling with the money we have worked so hard to get. Money is a means to an end. When it becomes the goal, reaching our goal can be painful.

I felt lucky. It is not often you get a chance to sit with a real millionaire and ask him, "If you were a millionaire, what would you do with your money?"

Chris stood up and looked at the garden.

"You have a nice place. It's very relaxing here. Do you play games with all your clients?" he asked, smiling.

"As often as I can", I answered and stood next to him.

"I've always thought I was born 16 years old on the street. It's a strange thought. I don't remember myself playing games", he said. I think he understood that money was not really what he wanted. Maybe he was grieving his lost childhood.

As we both looked at the palm trees of my yard, I touched his shoulder and said, "It's never too late to start".

Be happy,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The art of Excellence (3): Risk, success and happiness
• The art of Excellence (2): Fighting poverty
• The art of Excellence (1): Success with high standards

In a newsletter I wrote in February 2008, called "Angels of Love and Demons of Fear", I wrote a story about the key holder. I am bringing it here again for you to see how I perceive the relationship between the two.

Fear is like the Devil that casts a shadow on our life. I know many people who are in constant fear. If you ask them what they are afraid of, they are unable to explain. For some, it is just a pressure they cannot identify. For others, it is more specific, but not enough.

Unfortunately, you cannot fight anything you cannot define. If we want to get rid of our fear, we must know what it is first.

As you know, I like the technique of making a list to recognize and change something we do not like. Making a list of 100 fears can help you identify the blockages in your life. If you are unhappy with your achievements in some area and you dig deeply enough, you will find there is some fear associated with achieving more. If there is a destructive pattern in your behavior and you look at it closely, you will see it is rooted in some fear.

I tell my clients that this list is a big part of our action plan. If we want to achieve something, we must clear the way to it of all the things that are blocking us from making progress and fear is always at the source of those blockages.

As you may know from making other lists (see Make a List), writing down is a way for you to recognize what happens in your mind instead of letting it consume you. This is a private list, just for you, so be honest and do not be afraid to face your thoughts and feelings. That is the idea of this list, after all.

How to list your fears and overcome them

Write everything that comes into your mind quickly and without judgment. Whether it is a statement, a phrase or just a word, writes it down. The faster you write, the more fears will come out of your subconscious. Let your associations run free.

Skip old fears. We have all had fears that are no longer there and there is really no point in bringing them back to life. Focus on what is stopping you today.

When you are angry and agitated, your list will be different from when you are in a good mood. When we are upset, we are much more fearful (this is why we are upset). In that sense, it may be better to write down your fear list when you are upset. I am not sure everyone is able to do this, but if you can, you will probably find even more distressing thoughts than you normally would.

Do not be afraid of repetition. If things seem to be similar to what you have already written, write them down anyway. This will help you find out what keeps your mind occupied the most. At the end, you can combine them into one big item with their collective importance.

Go over your life areas and find fears in each of them. What are your fears regarding your health? Others' health? Money, relationships, career, friends, purpose and emotions (what feelings are you afraid to feel?).When searching for fears, remember that anxiety, stress and confusion are versions of fear. Ask yourself, "What worries me?", "What makes me stressed?" and "What makes me feel confused?" At the root of each of the answers, there is some fear.

Rate your fears. Fears come in different strengths. Some of them are small and others are so big they are overwhelming. It is important to think of how much you are afraid of a particular issue. If you are just a little bit afraid of something, give it a 1. If you are really, really afraid, give it a 10. Rating is a very good technique in personal development that allows you to find the best areas to improve. You may find you have many fears rated 2-3, but the ones that stop you from being happy are in the 8-10 range. Focus on them first!

When you have completed your list, split your fears into life areas. This will help you discover which area is of most concern for you. Several of my clients wrote many financial fears. As we discussed them, they found common sources for some of those fears. As we worked through the solutions, we discovered that some of them relieved several fears at once and made progress a lot faster. By grouping your fears into their life areas, your journey to happiness may be shorter too.

Next to each fear, to write why you think you are afraid. More than spotting the fear, it is important to know what created it. Sometimes, something painful happened in the past and you are afraid of feeling this pain again. Other times, your fear may have no connection to the past. For example, some people are afraid of losing their money not because they have lost money but because they have a belief that "good things don't last forever". Another example is a husband who is afraid his wife might have an affair with someone else. She has never done it, but he is afraid he may not be good enough (for her). The reason for your fear is important, because the solution to a fear of a painful experience from the past is different from the solution to a fear based on a belief.

Find the underlying fear. Your answers may reveal another fear. For example: I am afraid of Mr Dang. Why? Because he is very angry and I am afraid he will shout at me. Treat the reply as another belief and start over. Why am I afraid that Mr Dang will shout at me? Because I am afraid to feel humiliated. You can continue asking "Why?" until you find the source. In this example, the source can be a belief that kids do not like playing with someone the teacher yells at. So the underlying fear is that of social isolation.

Another important thing you can find by asking "Why?" is who caused your original fear. Many people discover their fears were created by something their parents, siblings or other important people have said to (or about) them and that they keep holding these fears long afterwards. It is important to find out who started your fears, because peoples' authority and the validity of their statements fade over time. For example, parents' words are not as important to a 35-year-old man as they are to a 5-year-old boy. Another reason is that circumstances change and while the original fear was appropriate at the time, it may not be relevant anymore. Even those people change and may no longer think the same way. For example, my parents were very afraid when I chose to start a business with my sister. They had had a bad experience mixing family and business and they did a lot to make me change my mind. At first, I was concerned, but then, I decided to go ahead anyway. After two successful (and peaceful) years in business with my sister, their fear changed. Instead of saying, "Every family business relationship is doomed to fail", they changed it to, "Some family business relationships fail, depending on the people involved".

The third part of asking "Why?" is to think of the circumstances that have created the fear. I have a good financial example. While we had to be very calculated with our spending when we were a poor family with 7 mouths to feed, it was no longer the case when I started working and earned lots of money. So there was no point holding on to the fear that the money would run out. I lived in a different generation, I had a different partner, I had a profession, I had lots of savings and I did not have 7 mouths to feed, so I changed my fear to the belief "I have plenty of money. I have enough for a rainy day". That way, I was no longer afraid of money running out. When you find the fear circumstances and the time it was created, ask yourself, "How have circumstances changed since?" It will help you discover that there is always change. You have changed. You are not the same person. You have more skills, more experience, more support, more resources, etc.

Find at least one contradicting example that proves to you that your fear is not valid or real. For example, if I am afraid that I will not be able to submit my article to the editor on time, I recall plenty of times when I have sent articles on time to chase the fear away. Sometimes, just one example can shake the strength of the belief.

The process of changing your fears may be long and challenging, but it is very important. It involves recognizing your fears, finding their sources, shaking the fears and chasing them away, then swapping them with powerful, forward-facing and positive beliefs of love and happiness. This process never ends, because the fears never disappear and new circumstances breed new fears. With the list activity, some of them fade and are not strong and debilitating as much as they were before. Do not be afraid to try!

Have a nice and easy discovery process.

Be happy!
Ronit

You may want to read

• A Little Bit Unhappy
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Borrow from Tomorrow

If you hear parents tell you that kids are an obstacle for them, I can tell you that having kids is a bad excuse for not doing business. When the kids grow up and leave the house, they will be left with their excuses. So when they have to explain why they have never done what they have always wanted to do, they will start saying, "It's too late now", which is just another excuse.

If you are thinking of starting a business and will need to juggle business and family, it is a good idea to discover what you will have to do to succeed at it. Some people are not cut out to own and operate a business. Others do not know how to balance a home and a business. Managing your business, your home and your parenting well requires some skills and attitudes that will determine the success of your business, the quality of your family life and even your health.

Unlike people who do not have kids, business parents risk a lot more than their own time and money. They risk their relationships with their partners and with their kids, as well as the quality of preparation their kids get for life. You go into business because you want a better life for your kids, not to destroy your relationship with your kids, so do it right!

Qualities of bad business people

Here is a list of qualities and behaviors that will prevent you from making it in business and what you can do instead. Read carefully. If you find any item that describes how you operate, make an effort to change before investing in a business. If you are already in a business, this is even more important.

1. Reactive - cannot predict anything and do not think ahead. Reactive people behave like the Fire Brigade and try to put out fires instead of preventing them. They are always surprised when things happen, because they do not plan ahead. Think ahead. Visualize. Conceptualize. Play with scenarios in your mind. Have a good system that can tell you to pay attention to things ahead of time. We send our subscribers a newsletter every month on the 15^th. We cannot afford to wake up on the 15^th and say, "Oh, I have a newsletter to write and prepare". We have computer reminders and we write and schedule things in advance. In business, many things cannot be predicted, but many can be. Have things ready well ahead of time.
2. Lacking long, medium or short-term goals. Nobody can achieve goals without having them. You go into business to succeed. You have to have a definition of what success means to you. You have to build up to that success by setting and achieving short, medium and long-term goals. They are your success plan.
3. Being busy with details and never having enough time. The feeling of not having time means they do not manage their time properly. You can predict how this affects the way they manage their family life too. Having good time management is essential to running a family as much as to running a business. If you hear yourself saying often, "I don't have time", stop and do something about it. You may be planning too much, you may not be effective or your sense of priority may need adjusting.
4. Avoiding decisions. When the decisions are tough, some people wait for their circumstances to change and save them from making a choice. Remember, not making a decision is a choice. Good business people do not give circumstances the power to determine their life. They make decisions even if they are tough and keep learning from the outcomes.
5. Making a fuss out of little things. Some people find it hard to distinguish between what is important and what requires letting go. If you declare a "red alert" for every tiny thing, no wonder your life looks like a battle zone. If you are such a person, use a rating system. On a scale of 1-10, how big is this issue? Or on a scale of 1-10, how important is this for me? Then, choose your battles. Deal with the important things and fit the rest in-between or let them go.
6. Having a desk full of documents and not prioritizing. If you look at some people's desk, you will see a jumble of bills, articles, bank statements, private letters and even things they have no use for. Put some order into your documents. Have a place for everything. Have a filing system for documents. On average, people go over each document 6 times. That is a waste of a lot of time you could be spending with your kids. Decide what to do about each document and then file it or throw it away. The order and the space on you desk will clear your mind.
7. Not delegating and trying to do everything by themselves. Some people never ask for help. When you are in business and have kids, you cannot be superman or superwoman, so get help. Let someone else do the things you cannot. If your time is worth X, pay someone else whose time is worth less than X to do the accounts, the cleaning or the stock taking. You may pay the same by the hour, but if they get twice as much done in that time, you save.
8. Doing things manually ("the old fashioned way"). Some people avoid spending money on things that can make them more productive. An electric saw may cost more than a hand saw, but if your job is cutting timber, it will make you heaps faster and pay for itself 10 times every week. Get better tools. Buy software, books, machines and other technology that will speed up your work.
9. Working 10-14 hours a day. Working at night or staying overtime often is a sign of poor time management. If you do extra work regularly, you will burn out. Decide how many hours you work and stick to it. If you need to work more than 8 hours, try doing it after the kids are in bed. You do not want them to see you working all the time. They might thing you have no life and learn from you. If you need to give extra time, plan it ahead. Get the kids to a weekend sleepover at the grandparents or with friends and do some extra work.
10. Stretching boundaries to the point of addiction with "I will do just one more thing". Some people stay at work and keep reading "just one more email" or "just making that last change" when it is time to go home. Others stay up and watch "just to the end of this show", then find themselves tired and grumpy the following day. When you run your own business, work never ends. There is always "one more thing" to do. Let go! Stop on time. Switch to "family mode". Take care of yourself. Stick to your boundaries.
11. Having a black and white mentality. Some people are not flexible with their requirements and expectations. They are constantly frustrated, because life is full of "shades of gray", not black and white. This is a rigid mindset and gets them into lots of problems. Flexible businesses respond faster to market changes and succeed where rigid ones fail. Learn to compromise and accept a variety of situations and people.
12. Being perfectionists. Some people talk about "the right solution" instead of "a practical", "a possible" or "a manageable" solution. Again, that makes them very frustrated and others view them as snappy and anti-social, which makes it harder to do business with them. Life is never perfect, if only because different people expect different things. Go for "good enough" and do the best you can do under the circumstances, even if it is not "perfect".
13. Always finding someone to blame for problems, difficulties and challenges. If something goes wrong and you always talk about whose fault it is, you are suffering from the blame disease. People do not like doing business with those who do not take responsibility. Take responsibility!
14. Seeing a bad and sad future, complaining and finding problems and faults. Again, people do not like being around complainers. Just stop complaining or use the rubber band technique. Put a rubber band on your wrist and flick it and experience pain every time you complain. After a while, it will slow down. When you look at the bright side, your life and your business will be bright.
15. Taking work home. Mixing work and home can be dangerous, because it blurs the lines and makes it easier to extend work at the expense of home. Even if you decide to work from home, have a separate area for work and "go home" when the workday is over.
16. Not taking time to rejuvenate. Some people wear themselves down by working non-stop. Weekends are precious, so use them for rest. Take a few days off for fun and relaxation every 3 months. Take a longer holiday once a year.
17. Trying to be friendly with everyone. Some people just want to be nice and do not know how to set boundaries with clients, suppliers, employees and even their children. At some point, they start feeling abused and their self-esteem starts to drop, along with their performance. In business, you must set prices and you must set policies. Learn to be nice within reason and to be firm when you need to be.
18. Trying to avoid paying Tax and forgetting to make money. Taxes are paid on income and even when you pay 40% taxes, you get to keep 60% of what you make, which is better than nothing. I want to pay $1,000,000 in tax every year, because it will mean I am making a lot of money. Accept taxes as part of life and get on with making money. In fact, look at a high tax amount as an indication you are doing well.

In a way, running a family is similar to running a business. If you have the right skills and attitudes, you can do both of them well. If someone tells you that you cannot do both, do not listen, because you can! Kids are a wonderful source of motivation to succeed in business. Mine have always been and still are every day.

Going into business has advantages and disadvantages. If you are a family man/woman, the risk is greater, but the reward is greater still. I always thought that having kids makes my business success greater as my three kids also enjoy the rewards of my success every day. I am happy, they are happy and I increase the chance they will one day possess the skills to run their own businesses after having a good role model.

Be successful!
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Anybody Can Do It
• Everyone can do it (with expert help)

This got me thinking that many parents raise their kids to be competitive or to strive for perfection, not realizing there was a third alternative, which helps the kids build their self-esteem and lead a relaxed and happy life. So I wanted to share with you my take on all 3 options and what you can do for your kids through your parenting and personal example.

Competition

Competitive people compare themselves with others all the time. Am I as pretty as Betty? Am I as strong as Josh? Am I as smart as Clarissa? Can I draw as well as Billy?

When they seem to be better than their object of comparison, they are happy, but when the other person seems to be better, they are miserable. Their mood is determined by their choice of competitors, their choice of comparison area and sometimes just by circumstances.

The problem with being competitive is that in a world of 7 billion people, it is very easy to find someone who is better than us, no matter what we are comparing. In fact, whenever we move, change schools, change jobs or just meet new people, there is a chance we will find even more people who are better than we are.

Because we all have different starting point, which we cannot change, any comparison with a taller person on rebounds, with someone who was born in China on fluency in Mandarin or with the Jarawas of Andaman Islands (supposedly the darkest in the world) on tan is simply futile. Likewise, racing someone who is built better and goes through similar training or comparing musical compositions with someone who is naturally gifted in that area are hopeless exercises.

The inevitable result of being competitive is the feeling of failure more often than now and the loss of self-esteem.

I was lucky enough to realize this when I was a child. I noticed that some of my friends were always faster than me, some always jumped higher than I did, some could paint better and some got better grades than I did. In most cases, those other kids were better than me at just one thing or just in one area, but some (and it was harder accepting those) were both smarter and faster than me (and one of them was also more friendly).

To help myself accept that others were better, I noted they were also worse at other things, sometimes had real problems and often were not as good as someone else. For example, while at a Scouts gathering, I noticed some kids picking on our class genius. I came to his aid and as the others went away, I walked towards him to find out if he was OK. He kicked me in the shin. Hard. I hurt like hell. So I figured there were areas in which he was not so smart after all, like the social area.

Mainly, competition is a kind of external focus, a focus on other people, which leaves our self-esteem in their hands. Not so good.

Perfectionism

Whereas competitive people look at others, perfectionists compare themselves against imaginary standards. While some rules are written clearly and are the same for everyone, perfection is a personal matter and a perfectionist's rules of how things should be are typically not written anywhere or accepted by anyone else.

The most common word used by perfectionists is "should". The second most common word used by perfectionists is "must". Perfectionists accept the standards that govern their world so wholeheartedly they never question them.

The problem with perfection is that it is not achievable. It is impossible to do everything right all the time, even in specific areas. We are sometimes tired, hungry, sick and upset. Sometimes, we are faced with problems without the knowledge or skills to solve them. Sometimes, things are in conflict so that doing one thing perfectly means messing up the other one, like climbing the corporate ladder and spending more time with the kids.

Anyone being assessed by a perfectionist is likely to feel belittled and abused, mainly because perfectionists assume "everybody" knows their rules and spend no time whatsoever agreeing with others how they should be measured. In fact, they do not get permission to give their assessment. They just give it.

This invariably leads to an ongoing feeling of frustration, low self-esteem, stress, bad health and loss of friends.

Who, me?

Any competitive sport involves competition, but it does not make the kids competitive.

I coached a boys' basketball for 2 years in a club that had 2 teams. One team was super-competitive. The coach only played the good players, gave the boys feedback based on their performance on the court and talked mainly about the score. The parents of the boys on his team valued the same things.

My team was made up of the sons of parents who just wanted their kids to have fun playing basketball. We played the same game, had the same time to practice and played against the other team many times, but those parents cheered when their children got to play, no matter how well they did, and showered them with praise, no whatever the score.

Hand on heart: which team are you on as a parent?

Not surprisingly, the boys on my team often won games because 5 players always trump a single good athlete, they worked hard at practice, had a good time and our families became close off court.

Also not surprisingly, the boys on the other team were grumpy, the parents complained about how little their sons played and each family walked in a different direction as soon as the game was over.

Now, which team would you like to be on?

When it comes to academic studies, music tuition and dance lessons, there is competition too, but the main aim is some absolute score, like the end-of-year grades at school, the music competence level (AMEB in Australia, ABRSM in other places) and the level-based group in which the child dances.

Many parents track their kids' results closely and subject them to extra tuition and extra pressure when they do not meet the parents' expectations (which the parents often frame as "being good enough"). As a result, their kids feel as though they serve their parents' agenda and their self-esteem drops. Because there is always the next level, they never feel good enough.

Other parents allow and even encourage their kids to play, explore and participate. No matter how well their children score on an activity, they are mostly interested in the personal learning and excitement the activity has given them. As a result, their kids feel appreciated, loved and confident.

Which is closer to your parenting style?

Feeling bad?

If you have realized a thing or two above, and you are planning to beat yourself over them, please stop. Remember your parents never read this. If you are a competitive parent, please remember you are reading this alone. If you are a perfectionist, please remember that everything you have read is just my opinion.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know Ronit and I believe that happy parents raise happy kids. Our philosophy is that you always do the best you can and reading our parenting tips gives you a chance to do things differently by first changing your own feelings and perception and then affecting your kids mainly by being a role model.

I may not have been a competitive child, but I was certainly a perfectionist. On a scale of 0-100, if I brought home an exam paper with "95" on it, I would be asked, "Why not 100?" The question was asked jokingly, as if it was obvious the grades were good, but as a child, I did not know that. Without hearing, "You've done well, son. We're proud of you", I could not say it to myself even years later, so I felt I was not good enough.

May parents meant well. Education was a high value in our home, as was integrity. My 3 sisters have all done very well academically and professionally as a result. But because they were not aware of the consequences of their words and because they themselves did not feel they were good enough (this week, I recalled my grandfather's criticism of my dad and that point really sank in), I grew up to be a perfectionist.

So please start by forgiving yourself for anything you may have done "wrong". Let go of the past and accept it as your own personal starting point, along with your genetic makeup. Growing up in a competitive environment triggered your competitive genes. Being raised by perfectionists activated your perfectionist chromosomes. That was in the past.

Today, you can adopt a new philosophy.

Measuring Personal Progress for Happiness

Brian Tracy is famous sales guru who got me unstuck with this simple method (and I am paraphrasing):

Every day, determine to improve just a little. All you have to do is take a small step forward from where you are right now. Compounding will do the rest

You see, if you take $100 and add 1% a day to it, in 100 days it will become not $200 but more than $270 with compounding. In 1,000 days, instead of $1,100, it will become $2,095,916!

A competitive person will check how others are doing and feel miserable if they have more. A perfectionist will start by aiming at $2,095,916 and spend 999 days feeling bad about not achieving that goal. A person who measures personal progress will start from wherever he or she is right now and keep moving steadily forward and being happy 1,000 days for what little progress he or she made.

Because we all start from a different place, measuring progress works for everyone. It is always relative to US. Because the progress each of us can make is different, measuring our progress in the context of our life works for everyone.

When I got this, I felt huge relief and my happiness grew every day. Now, even on the days with the worst pressure, when things drop on me through email and phone and mess up all my beautiful plans, I take a deep breath and say, "I will do what I can today and I will make progress. It will all add up to big results over time".

And my kids have felt it too. My relief affected them bit by bit, until it compounded to more closeness, more openness, more self-esteem and more happiness. I applied the same method to building my relationships with them and it worked there too. Every day, I tried to do something different - more softly, more clearly, more lovingly and sometimes more firmly.

Maybe there are better parents than me out there. Who cares? Maybe I am not the perfect father. Who cares? I am making progress and I am happy.

How about you?

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Living in a Dress Rehearsal
• Winners vs. Whiners
• The Mean Average

He describes a drug user's life as the chase of highs that never ends. He says that highs last less and less time and the in-between periods become more and more difficult and stressful.

That made me think about the way life seems to be going for many people these days and about how we are being encouraged from every direction essentially to live the life of drug addicts or alcoholics. Our drugs are legal, but we are no less dependent on them and they do us a very similar amount of harm.

Our drugs are money, fame, gadgets, brand names, number of followers on Twitter, number of fans on Facebook, trophies and grades, our kids' trophies and grades, rank or title at work, the size of our house, the model of our car, being up to date with the latest gossip, our highest level at some video game and so on. They may not be chemical, but they are all addictive. We chase them, they give us a short "high" and then we need to go after the next "hit".

People who live like this are never happy. Not really. They are very happy occasionally for a little while, but most of the time, they feel frustrated, stressed and depressed. Many people are forced to learn how to help an alcoholic member of their family who becomes abusive when drunk. This is no different to having a member of the family addicted to video games or chat when they are not "using".

But is the way to happiness not through reaching a comfortable life with all the trimmings? Are we not going to be happy when we have enough money, enough things, enough room in the house for all the things, a good enough car that never breaks and so on?

No, we are not, because the feeling that we have enough is not related to what we have or how much we have of it. Our happiness is not linked directly to our lot in life. That connection is made through our mind and through our perception of ourselves and what we have.

What we need to look for are ways to feel good and be happy for a lot longer. What we need are things that make us feel better the longer we do them, so if we never actually accomplish them, that is a good thing.

Dr. Martin Seligman is a famous happiness researcher and the founder of the field of Positive Psychology. While the rest of the psychology and psychiatry academics tried to help mentally ill people recover and return to healthy society, Dr. Seligman wanted to help normal people discover how to live "the good life" and be happy.

I recently watched Seligman's TED presentation on positive psychology. Among other things, he talked about the different kinds of happiness we can aspire for, which did two things for me. It gave me a clear and concise description of the way to happiness, which I will share with you below. After talking about it with Ronit and the kids, I also realized how happy my own family was and why.

Pleasure - Short Term Happiness

We get pleasure from eating something tasty, watching our favorite show, having sex and buying something we like. The feeling is strong and satisfying. We feel present and alive, as if every nuance of the experience is distinct and powerful - the depth of flavor, the cleverness of the jokes, the touch of the skin and the way we picture ourselves using or wearing our new purchase. It feels great!

But it does not last. If you like coffee, you know the best sip of any cup is the first one. The last bite of food does not taste nearly as good as the first one. And what happens when you hear a joke the 4^th time?

Also, most of the time, we do not eat or drink. Our favorite show is only on for a short period each day and if we bought things all day long, we would run out of money very quickly and the pleasure will more than disappear.

We can extend pleasures if we capture them on paper, film or in digital form and relive them in our memories, but that normally gives us a weaker experience compared to the original.

Bottom line: pleasure makes us happy, but not for long. Find out what gives you pleasure and you can have more of it. Capture your great experiences so they can make you happy again, but remember that total pleasure seeking is like being addicted to drugs.

Flow - Medium Term Happiness

Have you ever been so absorbed in reading a book, engaged in building a model airplane or "giving it your all" in a sporting activity that you "woke up" from it after 2 hours and wondered where the time had gone? At the same time, you probably felt like what you had been doing was well worth your time and that you had been happy doing it.

This is what "flow" is. It is being so involved in what you are doing, the rest of the world ceases to exist for you. It is performing at the peak of your abilities and being so completely focused you achieve many times more than you would if you were preoccupied or stressed.

We are in flow when we do things we like to do and things we are confident doing. Top athletes are in flow when they are engaged in their sport. They know they can do it well and they enjoy it, so they are "in their element". The good results only reinforce their confidence and increase their flow, which creates a positive cycle.

Top sales people are in flow when they talk to clients. Top artists are in flow when they paint, sculpt, compose, sing or play an instrument. Top authors are in flow when they write.

No matter who you are, there are things you do well and like to do. You may not perform at Olympic levels, but you are confident enough to be relaxed and focus when you do these things. You enjoy doing them so much you can do them for long stretches - hours, not minutes.

Ronit and I are in flow when we help people feel better about themselves. We spend hours every day doing just that. When we finish a session with a client, rather than feeling worn out, we feel refreshed and energized, having spent our time in happiness.

To create more opportunities for flow, find out what you are good at and enjoy doing and choose it as your profession. This way, you can be happy more of your time. Similarly, choose to spend your time with people who make you feel good and share your interests. By setting goals to achieve desired outcomes in your life, you can also increase your focus and engagement (and possibly your pleasure).

Still, there are many things we need to do that we do not like, are not good at or both, so flow does not make us happy all the time.

Bottom line: flow makes us happy for longer and is related to our skills and preferences. With the right job, hobbies, goals and people, you can be engaged and happy more of your time, but still not always.

Purpose - Long Term Happiness

Is there anything that can help us accept boredom, discomfort and hardship in life with a graceful smile? Is there anything that can help us view what needs to be done as achievement?

Yes, there is, and the people who have found it are the happiest of them all. It is called "purpose" or "meaning".

No matter what gives meaning to your life, it simply makes everything you do worthwhile. If you find your meaning in raising your children, changing a diaper is an act of love. If your fulfillment comes from helping the homeless, anyone with ragged clothes and rotting teeth may be an opportunity to be kind. If your purpose is to improve the gender equality in our society, a heated public debate is a chance for you to deliver your message and make a difference.

Purpose put everything we do in life in a different perspective, so it makes us continually happy, no matter what happens.

Ronit and I believe that empowering parents is the key to changing the world and creating a society based on acceptance, respect and harmony. Everything we do in life and business either directly serves that purpose or sustains us so we can keep serving our purpose. Imagining our kids living in such a warm and friendly place makes us happy every day, no matter how many obstacles the universe throws at us. It is all worth it.

Find your "higher calling", the thing that gives significance to your life, that makes you and everything you do very very important. Write that down and post it over your bed and in your office. Spend your days making that dream a reality with everything you do, directly or indirectly, and be happy in life.

Bottom line: purpose makes us feel important and part of a great thing at the same time. It is always there to guide us and give us meaning and thus, it makes us happy.

May your days be filled with pleasures, may your time flow and may your purpose guide you to happiness

Gal

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• The Art of Misery (Advanced)
• Purpose: To Be a Great Dad

I grew up in a very simple family, you could even say a struggling family, with 5 children, and most of us are in a very stable financial status. My dad, who worked very hard all his life and was the money manger it the house, taught us very well. My family is proof that you do not have to be rich to raise kids with a wealth mindset. I think that if my dad could do it, you can too.

Here are my parenting rule about money, saving, investing and raising children who know their way through financial management.

1. Teach your kids to love money, use money wisely and to manage money well - they will need those skills for a long time. First, you have to do it yourself. Kids who grow up in a family with money have better beliefs about money and use it differently to kids who grow up to a family that struggles financially.
2. Give kids pocket money as soon as they can count to 10 - learning to keep money is an important skill that can be taught very early and the longer your children have time to practice earning, saving, investing and spending, the better they will be at it.
3. Have a coin box in the house where all the coins go - it will teach kids to appreciate coins as something of value and demonstrate to them how little things accumulate over time. It will also show them how pooling resources can be useful where each person cannot manage alone.
4. Never ever give money rewards for success at school - the real reward for success is self-confidence. The desire to succeed and be good at something is internal, while payment is external and your kids will always do better in life by being internally motivated. If you want to celebrate successes, use the money to celebrate it by doing something fun rather than giving it as a prize.
5. Make sure your kids save some of their money - teach them the 10% rule, which will help them in life. Always spend 10% less than what you earn. It is not easy for kids to keep money, but money management includes earning, spending wisely and saving. No one can be financially stable without mastering all three of these. If this is not how you live yourself, make that a family project to begin with.
6. Show your children how to measure their income and expenses - teach them the simple rule "your standard of living is the difference between what comes in and what goes out" as early as possible in life. Kids can easily record their income and expenses in their school diary or on the computer and gradually learn about government fees (like a driver's license), insurance, utility bills, rent and so on.
7. Teach your kids always to have something to look forward to - help them set financial goals and find things they want to have or do that cost money. This will help them understand that money is a vehicle we use to achieve what we want in life and that having money without using it makes it worthless.
8. If your kids want something that is beyond their reach, use this as an opportunity for them to learn about borrowing, loans and interest. Help them out. Give them incentives to earn and save money and teach them to pay on time. When they are old enough, also tell them about leverage.
9. Teach your kids to shop around before purchasing anything - saving money by comparing deals (not just prices) is a very useful money management skill. Teach kids to compare apples with apples and develop their concept of "value for money". This includes focusing features, guaranties, service and suitability.
10. Eliminate brand name from your shopping list - kids are just kids and they are highly influenced by what their friends have, but if they want you to buy then something because their friends have it, they will get hooked on the most dangerous "drug" of our society. Make sure the brand name is not a reason to purchase something but the use and the quality of it.
11. Teach your kids the difference between an investment and an expense - the different between money that works for you and money the just goes away. Investment develops planning, patience and willingness to sacrifice something today to have much more tomorrow, all typical qualities of successful people.

I hope that reading some of these parenting "commandments" has helped you find the correlations between our parenting philosophy and the quality of upbringing out children receive. Having a parenting bible does not guarantee you will have a successful parenting experience, but it certainly is a good starting point that prevents you from re-inventing the wheel and second-guessing yourself endlessly.

Having a parenting philosophy is essential to good and successful parenting and making it into a bible with do and don't commandments will make it easier for you to focus. In this series, I shared with you my parenting bible at the request of a participant in one of my parenting workshops. I hope it has inspired you to write your own.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Parents Doing Business
• Lifestyle of the rich and the famous

When my oldest nephew turned 18, everyone congratulated him on becoming an adult. When my turn came, this is what I said to him

The main difference between kids and adults is that kids live for today and adults know there is a future. Becoming an adult doesn't happen when you turn 18. It happens when you decide to take responsibility for your own future

Let's say you have a leak in your roof. At first, you see some signs of moisture in the ceiling after heavy rains and those signs disappear some time after the rain stops. If you do nothing, you can keep going like this for months, maybe even a couple of years.

Then, the moisture brings in termites or mold or just mixes in with the roof and ceiling material and you start getting the occasional drip. Sure, it is no fun, but a bucket under it can catch the water for a while, maybe until another rainy season blows over.

Eventually, it no longer helps to paint over the moisture spots in the summer and using rags and buckets to capture the water that trickles down from the roof, because the roof just caves in.

Of course, getting someone to seal your roof when you first noticed the moisture in the ceiling would have cost you money and required you to miss a few hours of work, but it would have stopped the problem then. When the dripping started, the job would have been bigger and most expensive, but it would certainly cost less and hurt less than having to repair and entire room or an entire section of your house. That really hurts.

Living in the present and making short-term decisions sometimes means trouble, because some situations keep getting worse and although you cannot avoid the cost, the effort or the pain, you can at least minimize them. In other situations, short-term pain creates opportunities for future success, comfort and happiness that would not be available by just chugging along and trying to have fun.

People who struggle financially often prefer to do things themselves. When they need to fix something or even to make something, like a wooden shelf cabinet, they spend their time doing it, often at the expense of family or vacation time and sometimes even at the expense of paid work.

Successful people pay others to do things for them, because this way they get quality work done and free their own time for what they enjoy and do best.

This is not because successful people have more money. It is because they value their time more than they value their money. If you believe that an hour of your time is worth $20 and you need to spend 2 hours making a $60 cabinet, you are $20 ahead in your mind. But if you believe your time is worth $100 an hour, buying a $150 cabinet and saving 2 hours is a better deal for you.

People who go into business often do not have enough money to keep their new business going until it breaks even. However, business planning is all about numbers, so they draw up a plan, project their costs and sales revenues into the future and then approach a bank and ask for a loan, because they can show (on paper) that the return will be higher than the interest and that taking the loan will allow them to succeed.

Business people make this kind of decisions almost every day, again by using their numbers. Say they need a big job done and they lack the manpower. They can turn it down, hire and train more people or outsource. So they draw up a plan, project their costs and sales revenue from the job into the future and then they can show (on paper) that the return will be higher than the outsourcing costs, so they engage some contractors for the job.

You can see examples of this every day. Recruitment firms now handle most of the job applications, accounting firms handle most of the taxes for companies, payroll processors handle most of the salaries, overseas sweatshops make most of the clothes, shoes and software and who picks up when you ring customer service? The figures make a powerful case for choosing to outsource, so companies do it.

Unfortunately, personal life is not as clear cut. It is not so easy to put a price on making it in time for your child's concert or being there when your baby says his or her first word. If you cuddle in bed for another 10 minutes, how will this affect your bottom line? Hard to tell.

Your personal future is tricky to imagine. So many things can change. If anyone asked you to imagine your life today 10 years ago, would you have imagined it closely enough? I know I would not have. So when we make personal decisions, like choosing a place to live, our furniture, our children's school, our friends and many other things, we cannot rely on numbers and projections.

So what can we rely on?

Self-confidence.

What?!

Yes, self-confidence. Because no matter what the future holds, being confident will help you do better in it. Confident people get better jobs, find better partners, close better deals, earn better incomes and raise more confident kids who then get better jobs, find better partners, close better deals and earn better incomes.

The only tough decision you still face, then, is how to become more confident. Should you borrow books from the library and spend a lot of time reading them? Should you buy books, audio recordings or even video programs and learn from them? Or maybe you should find a professional life coach who will probably charge you a bit of money, but will help you with the things YOU need to boost YOUR confidence?

If you borrow some books from the library (or read professional development articles online), you pay nothing and all you do is spend your time. Reading is great for getting general guidance and you may find golden nuggets in them that will help you change your life. Or you may not, because for some people, it can be difficult to translate the learning into practice.

Audio and video program (and public seminars) cost more than books. But they provide a richer experience and deliver their messages in a shorter amount of time. The growth you get from them is faster and perhaps deeper. You finish going through them with a feeling of elation, determined to change your life and be a new you. Most people still remember some of the things they wanted to do a few days later, but doing them suddenly seems more difficult in the face of reality.

But what if you committed yourself to truly "nailing it"? What if you decided that no matter the cost, you wanted to ensure you future was bright and happy, and no matter how much time and effort that would take in the present, it was worth spending them.

Working with a life coach is based on just this level of conviction and commitment. When you are the "engine", life coaching can guide you towards deeper understanding of yourself and your world and help you reinvent yourself with power and confidence. Each time you meet, you learn something new. Each time you meet, you also learn from your experience since the previous meeting and gradually make your new skills part of your new life, so they never fade.

The Greek mythology tells the story of Sisyphus, who was doomed to roll a giant boulder up a hill and lose his strength near the top, which cause the boulder to roll back down the hill again. Modern life can sometimes feel like that.

But by giving it all we have, no matter the pain and effort, and making it to the top of the hill, our life's boulder will start rolling forward and we will become unstoppable. So we need to muster just enough confidence to take what resources we have, borrow a bit from tomorrow, and make a change that will last.

Happy life,
Gal

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• The art of Excellence (3): Risk, success and happiness
• The art of Excellence (2): Fighting poverty

My brother Tsoof is going into his final year of high school this year and needs to pick a direction for next year. This is a tough topic and often times when we cannot seem to choose, we do nothing. A friend of mine is also experiencing something similar and even I have a story of my own, so I want to share these with you. This is something that has taken me a little while to grasp and now, the knowledge has served me well. Maybe you will glean some insight and be able to pass it on to your kids too.

If there is one thing I used to worry about often, it was making the wrong decision. As you may know from previous posts, there is no such thing as a wrong decision. At any given time, we make the best choice available to us. It is only in hindsight that we can say whether the decision was right or wrong, good or bad. More importantly, indecision is often what holds us back, because not deciding is the same as choosing to keep things as they are.

So what we need to do is to "just keep swimming" (just like Dory told Marlin when he was looking for Nemo). We need to make a decision and follow wherever the path may lead us. Along the way, we can adjust, alter, shift, and change, but doing nothing can be worse than picking the "wrong" path.

There is a perfect quote about this:

When one door closes, another opens, but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us
- Alexander Graham Bell

Let's start with the story of my friend Susan. Susan was an exceptionally bright student in high school and graduated with very high grades. As is normal in our neck of the woods, she went straight into university and chose a course that she was good at but did not necessarily like. About half way through the course, she failed some subjects. She was pretty upset and decided to change her course of studies.

Susan went to other faculties at the university and inquired about other courses. So far, so good. Once she had looked at all of the courses that took her fancy, she decided to take some time to look through the information before she made her decision. So she took a couple of weeks. The due date arrived for applications, but she continued to think and consider. The due date for late applications arrived, but she still continued to think. Finally, the deadline for penalized late applications arrived and she still did not apply.

So she decided to do nothing. She increased her hours at her casual retail job and decided to wait for the applications for next semester. When that date arrived, she … continued to think … and think … and think. And that date passed too, but still, she thinks! So now, she works casually, and thinks, and waits.

But what if she had picked something else? Anything! At least, it would have gotten her up and moving. Along the way, she might have discovered she liked mathematics, or art, or engineering. Or she might have discovered she did not like modern art, but she LOVED classical art. All she needed to do was to pick a direction and get moving. Along the way, she would have been free to change her mind. But while she sits at home and waits, nothing in her environment changes. She will continue to ponder, but no new ideas will come.

Let's move on to a slightly brighter story.

I graduated high school with good grades too and at quite a young age. At the time, I could not get into university straight away and I had to wait a while. So I decided to do … nothing.

And do you know where that got me?

Nowhere!

So about two years into my doing nothing and getting nowhere, my grandmother passed away. I took this rather hard, but my clever mom decided it was time for me to "just keep swimming", to put one foot in front of the other and get my little behind in motion. She handed me a pamphlet for TAFE (vocational college) and said, "Eden, sign up to do a Diploma in Event Management. You will be good at it and you will like it. Maybe it will open some doors".

I was a bit late, enrolments had already closed and classes had started two days before, but I thought, "Why not?" So I signed up (of course, this conversation was a little longer and slightly more emotional, but you get the picture).

I have to admit, I did not love the course. I knew most of the stuff intuitively and after some very stimulating high school subjects, the material was mediocre at best. But, just that one decision really got me going. I made friends, I volunteered at a few places, I went to various events and once again, I got good grades. And from there, the possibilities were endless.

After I got my diploma, I started working for a festival and doing the things I had learned in the event management course.

But I also decided to change my path later. I decided to move on from event management and try my hand at my life-long dream of becoming a psychologist. My path allowed me to see what I loved and what I was good at.

And now that I am a university student, I can refine my choices even more. I have decided that not only do I love psychology, but that my field is going to be Social Psychology.

See? All you have to do is "just keep swimming". Make a choice and keep moving.

Now, for the best story of all.

My amazingly talented "little" brother Tsoof (he is way taller than I am already) has been doing a whole lot of different things relating to music for over 10 years. He sings, dances, composes original music and plays percussion and guitar. You name it, he does it. He goes to an amazing school that allows him to do (almost) all the things he loves at the same time.

But next year, Tsoof will be going to university and he will not be able to do all the things he is doing now. His choices were percussion, composition and performance. Well, we went down to the university to ask what he could do in order to keep doing all the things he wanted to do, but, whaddayaknow, he cannot do them all. He has to pick one. So he deliberated, and thought, and pondered, until finally, we sat down to have a conversation. And what did we tell him?

Just keep swimming

Whatever he picks, it will be "right", because it will get him moving. If he decides to start with composition, he may love it and decide that is it for him. That he doesn't want to study any more. Or he may finish that and decide to play/study percussion for a while. It is all good. Any option is better than doing nothing.

One last little story just to recap.

I was reading a book, in which the author told a story about a company he had reviewed. The employees were given the option to choose any one of 20 retirement (superannuation/401K) funds. The employees were so confused by the large number of options before them that they did … you guessed it … nothing. And they missed out on LOADS of money. Had they picked one of the funds, even if they put them all in a hat and drew a random one out, they would have made heaps more money than by doing nothing.

Moral of the story: any direction is better than no direction at all.

[I would just like to make a note here: sometimes, people do pick what we would all consider a "wrong" direction. Kids might decide to join a gang, a drug ring or a violent group. By no stretch of the imagination is this what I mean when I say "any". I am talking about finding the things that give us an inkling they may interest us, and then giving them a chance to lead us to something great.]

The point of all this is that it does not matter if you do not know where you are going. Just keep going in SOME direction, because then, opportunities and ideas will present themselves as you go along, whereas if you stay standing in one place, nothing around you will change and you will just get stuck.

This is something that I struggled with for a little while. I am very fortunate to have been told this information at one point and it has been valuable to me. Keeping this in mind is one of the things that has really propelled me forward in the last couple of years. So share it with your kids or teens or even young adult children. You are most welcome to use the information yourself as well. I promise you will reap rewards.

Happy swimming,
Eden

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• The art of Excellence (3): Risk, success and happiness
• The art of Excellence (2): Fighting poverty

Emotional Intelligence has become increasingly relevant for individuals, organizations and businesses since it was proven to help understand and assess people's behavior and performance. It serves as an important tool in areas like learning, management, motivation, interpersonal communication and productivity.

Although Emotional Intelligence became popular after the publication of Daniel Goleman's Book, "Emotional Intelligence", in 1995, it had been researched and developed during the 70's and 80's. It was psychologist Howard Gardner's book, "Frame of Mind", which gave birth to the concept of EQ (through Gardner's Theory of multiple intelligences).

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Peter Salovey and John Mayer defined EQ (Emotional Quotient) or EI (Emotional Intelligence) as being made up of 5 elements:

1. Self-awareness - Observing yourself and recognizing a feeling as it happens.
2. Managing emotions - Handling feelings so that they are appropriate, realizing what is behind a feeling and finding ways to handle fears and anxieties, anger and sadness.
3. Self motivation - Channeling emotions in the service of a goal, emotional self control, delaying gratification and stifling impulses.
4. Empathy - Sensitivity to others' feelings and concerns and taking their perspective, as well as appreciating the differences in how people feel about things.
5. Handling relationships - Managing emotions in others and social competence or social skills.

A simpler version of the EQ elements consists of 4 abilities:

1. Recognize our own feelings
2. Manage our own feelings including self motivation
3. Recognize the feelings of others
4. Help and support others with their feelings

EQ gurus argue that IQ (Intelligence Quotient, the traditional method of measuring intelligence) tests, have failed to predict success, while EQ tests are more accurate. They also argue that emphasizing cognitive skills does not contribute to people's well-being, while emphasizing EQ increases productivity, reduces stress for individuals and organizations, decreases conflict, improves relationships and understanding and increases stability, continuity and harmony.

Optimism is better than Knowledge

During the 80's, Martin Seligman researched optimism and its effects on people's performance. One of his greatest discoveries was presented in his research of insurance sales people. Seligman convinced an insurance company to hire people who passed the optimism test but failed their standard test. He compared their sales to those of sales people who were hired based on the standard tests alone. In the first year, Seligman's group sold 21% more than the other group did. In the second year, they sold 57% more! The conclusion of his research was that optimistic people handle rejection better than others.

The ability to handle rejection is a major factor in the success. Optimism and pessimism play a major role in determining the success of any interaction, especially when selling. Each type of personality defines failure in a different way. While optimistic sales people are able to separate rejection of their product from rejection of them as people, pessimistic sales people take rejection as criticism of their abilities, appearance or character and will face their next sale feeling hurt.

This works the same with taking risks. If you are pessimistic and equate failure to rejection, you are likely to take less risk in order to avoid failing and feeling rejected. If you are optimistic and view failure as a learning opportunity, you know you will get up the 8^th time, so you take more risk.

One great art that will help you get up again, whether you are facing a challenge or difficulty in your personal life or business, is the art of NEXTing.

I sometimes describe to my clients an imaginary button, which resets everything and refreshes them for the future. They learn to "press" this button and call out "NEXT!"

The Be Happy in LIFE coaching program develops EQ. I believe that emotional strength is essential to our development and growth. There are many aspects of EQ in our daily life and although we need other skills and abilities to handle challenges, the ability to handle rejection is a major one.

One of my business clients, let's call her Mary, has mastered the art of "NEXTing". Mary is the CEO of an international trade organization and in her job, she deals personally with many executives, mostly men, while juggling the chairman's criticism and "strange, unreasonable desires". When she started coaching, Mary experienced heavy stress and had frequent anxiety attacks, for which she was taking medication to survive her days at work. She loved her job very much, but spent most of her time either in conflict with the chairman, talking about it or thinking about it. Every meeting between Mary and the chairman lasted only minutes, but she kept them in her mind months later.

Mary's definition of failure was unhealthy for her, giving the chairman far more power than he had in reality. He was "able to control" her feelings during and outside of working hours just by thinking differently from her.

Mary came to me looking for a tool that would allow her the freedom to enjoy her work. She discovered the "NEXT!" button in one of her first sessions and a week later, she sent me this email:

I know it sounds strange, but I feel so different. I think people around me are different from last week...

Mary managed to handle most of the difficulties at work (and at home) using "NEXT!" While in the past, every arguments and unsuccessful sale added pressure to her work, she had learned how to assess the situation, take the learning and move on and her efficiency increased tremendously.

"NEXT!" is an important tool to achieve success. Using it increases emotional intelligence by creating optimism. It contributes to our ability to recognize our feelings, manage them, develop more acceptance and appreciation of others and improve our relationships.

NEXTing allows people to move on and shift their energy from lingering in the past to focusing on the future - a core ingredient of success.

Keep on moving,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The art of Excellence (3): Risk, success and happiness
• The art of Excellence (2): Fighting poverty
• The art of Excellence (1): Success with high standards