The main difference between people who succeed in life and those who do not is what they do next. This is also the difference between parents who raise happy and successful kids and those who do not.

While I was thinking about this topic, I remembered a quote by an American president about taking action. When I looked it up, it turned out to be by Theodore Roosevelt, who is also quoted as saying many other highly appropriate things. I will include these within this post for your enjoyment and your (kids') benefit.

Never throughout history has a man who lived a life of ease left a name worth remembering
- Theodore Roosevelt

Stopping progress

The best way to keep yourself right where you are and place yourself at the mercy of your circumstances, or your kids' behavior, is to keep finding reasons for not making any progress.

No matter what anyone says to you, what are the chances it will be perfect? None. So you can always respond with, "Oh, no, this doesn't cover everything", or words to that effect.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month
- Theodore Roosevelt

In fact, this conversation quickly turns into a competitive game or battle of wits, where the other person, a friend, a partner or a parent, comes up with more refined ways to move forward and you come up with clever reasons why they will not work.

I call this being in "why not" mode, because they question you keep trying to answer is "Why not take any action". You make an emotional decision that the situation is hopeless and defend it fiercely, proving yourself "right" by poking holes in any different opinion, no matter how useful it might be.

It is like a tank that has set a course, stuck on the most powerful gear at full throttle. There is a lot of force and a lot of noise, and anything in the way gets squashed. If you have ever seen a tank, you know the driver can only see through slits, so that bit is also the same...

In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing
- Theodore Roosevelt

An important aspect of this type of resistance is also a keen focus on the current collection of symptoms, with saying like, "I can't deal with this right now. I'm too upset" or "Can't you see I've gotten nowhere with this already?"

The boy who is going to make a great man must not make up his mind merely to overcome a thousand obstacles, but to win in spite of a thousand repulses and defeats
- Theodore Roosevelt

Another important aspect is that a "why not" conversation puts a person who is trying to help you "on the other side". It creates conflict and intensifies the conflict with every round of idea and rejection. Pretty quickly, the other person, who initially just wanted to be helpful and make you feel good, gets tired of your denial, criticism and dismissal and think to themselves, "Well, this is nuts. I want him/her to feel better more than he/she does. I'm outa here".

It behooves every man to remember that the work of the critic is of altogether secondary importance, and that, in the end, progress is accomplished by the man who does things
- Theodore Roosevelt

Recognize any of these interactions in your life?

Taking action

On the other hand, a focus on the desired outcomes and a broader view of the current situation as merely a (painful) step on the way to ultimate success, results in a very different kind of thinking and very different questions - What and How. There are particularly useful with kids, because nobody is a lost cause at the age of 3, no matter how many times we claim it aloud.

Believe you can and you're halfway there
- Theodore Roosevelt

A good What question is "What's the underlying problem here?" It helps us look past the symptoms towards things we may be able to change. Parents are often upset by their children's behavior in front of other people and focus all of their attention on the child, but the underlying problem may be hunger, physical discomfort or even something the parent might have said.

Another What question is "What have I done that contributed to the current situation?" It helps us to recognize our own actions and interpretations, which are under our control, and to take responsibility of our part in the problem and therefore the solution. Parenting is mostly about leading by example. When dealing with children, this is one of the most important questions you can ask yourself, because if Mommy/Daddy does it, it must be the right thing to do.

The question "How to make things better?" can be used to focus our attention on a solution. We could also ask ourselves "How to feel better about what's happened?" to remove the emotional obstacle from our path. Fortunately, many of the "bad" things kids do are out of fear and a warm hug or a short conversation can clarify matters and help everyone feel a lot better very quickly.

"What can I do right now?" is a great question for identifying ways to start moving. The great thing about moving is that it changes our perspective. You know that climbing to the top of a hill gives you a better view, but sometimes, reading a book, listening to the radio or walking to the next room can be enough to help you relax and start generating ideas in your mind.

If your child has done something embarrassing, you could immediately remove yourself and your child to a private place and handle things quietly. Doing this is likely to lower your stress from the presence of others and to help you see things more clearly. It will also lower the volume and pitch of "the talk" with your child, and that is always a good thing.

So no matter what happens to you in life, especially with your children, put yourself in a "how to" mindset, find the underlying issues, check your contribution and find something you can do right away. Not only will you be happier and more successful, but your kids will learn it from you in no time and your life as a parent will be forever change for the better.

Happy parenting (keep reading the quotes below),
Gal

Nine-tenths of wisdom is being wise in time
- Theodore Roosevelt

Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing
- Theodore Roosevelt

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat
- Theodore Roosevelt

It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things
- Theodore Roosevelt

Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground
- Theodore Roosevelt

Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young
- Theodore Roosevelt

The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything
- Theodore Roosevelt

With self-discipline, most anything is possible
- Theodore Roosevelt

When you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, 'Certainly I can!' Then get busy and find out how to do it
- Theodore Roosevelt

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are
- Theodore Roosevelt

* Quotes courtesy of Brainy Quote

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• Winners vs. Whiners
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• The Hunger Games

Most parents, given enough time to ponder this question, agree that the answer is "Happiness". When offered the choice from success, money, love, fame and other things people desire, parents overwhelmingly choose happiness.

The problem is that most of our daily parenting ends up being about other things, like academic success, winning competitions, behaving politely, earning money and so on. Children's future happiness is only used as an assumption, as in "If you do well at school, you'll have more options in life and be happier" or "If you learn how to keep a job and save money, you'll be able to afford the things that will make you happy when you grow up" (excuse me while I catch my breath).

Focus on happiness

I believe that focusing directly on being happy changes what we choose to do for/to our kids, motivates them more and will ultimately make them (and us) happier. Rather than assuming that happiness will be the indirect result of doing homework every day, why not start with what makes (or will make) our kids happy and then tie that to things we can all do every day to accomplish that happiness?

Kinds of happiness

Current positive psychology experts distinguish 3 kinds of happiness: thrill, flow and purpose.

Thrill is very powerful, but short-lived and has no lasting effects. It starts when the theme-park ride starts moving, intensifies as it accelerates and ends when the ride stops and you have to get off and back to un-thrilling life. Other examples are using drugs and having sex.

Flow is when you lose track of time, because you are so engaged in what you are doing and you are doing it with ease and complete focus. It lasts longer, but not long enough. At some point, you have to stop and do something else that requires effort. You know you have had a good time only when you stop and become aware of your surroundings again and for a while, you have the pleasant feeling that you have used your time well. Examples of flow can be found in most hobbies - painting, singing, playing music, putting a puzzle together, etc.

Purpose is when you do things that may not be pleasant or easy, but they serve some distant goal that makes everything worthwhile. People on a mission travel to remote places, fight fatigue, hunger and sickness or give their money away, but all that time, they see themselves stepping closer and closer to their destination and to sublime fulfillment.

Happy combination

To create a winning combination for ourselves that maximizes all 3 kinds of happiness, we would begin by finding a great purpose that inspires us and that we can feel motivated every day to work towards. From that purpose, we would derive some long-term goals, then some short-term goals. We would split those into milestones and each milestone into action steps. Then, every day would be clear, out progress would be easy to track and we would live a happy life indeed.

But this would not work with kids, unfortunately, because finding a purpose at the age of 5 is far beyond what they can do. Finding that purpose for them, of course, has little chance of success and is more likely to result in daily friction than in inspiration. In fact, it would be similar to what happens today.

What we need to do for our kids as parents is to teach them how to set and achieve goals and milestones that reward them emotionally and to expose them to many different experiences in life, so that they can choose their purpose wisely. As they grow beside us, we should also pay attention to what they like and what they do well and gently direct them towards life experiences that are most likely to help them make a wise choice for themselves when the time comes.

Good goal setting

A good goal is focused on happiness. The actions taken and the results achieved are just vehicles. The true aim of setting and achieving goals is a great feeling of accomplishment and a massive boost to the self-esteem.

A good goal meets the following guidelines:

• Specific - the outcome must be clear. "I want to be popular" is no good. "I want to have 10 friends at my next birthday party" is much better. In particular, the goal should specify an end date. In reality, that date may change, but the mental deadline provides powerful motivation. The question here is "What do you want to accomplish?"
• Achievable and inspiring - the outcome must be attainable within the given timeframe. Making a new friend every day will be intimidating for a shy child, but making a couple of new friends in a few weeks should seem doable and therefore encouraging. The questions here "How much can achieve in <3 months>?" and "Is this enough, or do you want to set a longer goal and achieve more?"
• Measurable - progress should be easy to track. This can be done using steps leading up to the goal, like "I will attend every party I'm invited to", "I will invite 4 friends to go ice skating" and other steps leading up to the birthday party. It can also be done using a numeric outcome, like "I'll have 3 friends in 4 weeks, 5 friends in 3 months and 8 friends in 6 months". The question here is "What are some steps long the way?" or "How will you know you're making progress?"
• Responsible - the only person in charge is the owner of the goal. Sure, Mom can talk to other parents and organize the birthday party, but for the child to benefit, every action and change done along the way, should be done by the child. The above goal may be better written as "I will make 10 new friends, organize a birthday party, invite my friends and have lots of fun". This way, the child is responsible for making friends, organizing a party, inviting and having fun, whether the friends choose to arrive or not. The question here is "How can you do or feel everything in this goal yourself?"
• Positive - the goal statement must use only positive terms. "I don't want to be lonely" will trigger thoughts of loneliness and inhibits creativity. The image of a party with lots of friends and fun creates a positive mental state and brings out wonderful ideas. The question here is "What's the opposite of this? What do you want instead?"
• Present tense - the goal should be stated as if it is happening right now. Our mind cannot tell the difference between imagination and reality, so if we keep imagining good things, we get used to them as if they were real. The above would be best written as "It is the 31^st of May, 2012. I have invited 10 friends to my birthday party. I am playing games with them and having lots of fun".
• Emotional - remember, this is the real aim of the goal. Besides having lots of fun, you could add "I feel popular and liked and I know I'll always be able to find friends to play with". The questions here are "How will this make you feel?" and "How will you feel about yourself then?"

With coaching clients, most goals range between 3 and 6 months. Since children cannot see too far into the future, start with shorter goals with very clear outcomes and rewards and work your way up from there.

Goals provide the purpose-like happiness for as long as they last. With experience and practice, teenagers can set long-term goals for 1 or 2 years ahead and keep themselves amazingly motivated and happy.

Milestones and rewards

Working towards a goal is hard, because we always try to achieve something we have not been able to achieve so far. It takes us out of our "comfort zone", so we need to build in some resting points along the climb. To squeeze even more happiness from goal setting and achieving, each goal can be broken down into milestones.

A milestone is the combination of a result (a "deliverable") and a reward. For example, going to a party when invited is an event your child can count and the reward can be a big hug, a chance to tell everyone proudly at the table about the party, one less chore or anything of value to the child that is equivalent to the (emotional) effort.

Milestones reinforce the purpose-like motivation and provide more changes for thrills.

Action steps

Most goals and milestones are achieved in little steps. In order to make friends, the child may have to approach someone, help someone with their homework, join a game or count to 3 before raging. When something big and scary is broken down into little steps, there is no more anxiety. The child should be able to say, "Oh, that's easy. I can do that", about every one of them.

Ideally, the list of action steps should also build on the child's strengths and the things the child likes. That is where flow comes in.

If your child likes to paint, making friends at a special art camp does not seem like an effort anymore. You paint, you enjoy yourself, you make friends who like to paint too. Nothing to it.

Eden hangs out with friends who like to dance Salsa. Tsoof spends most of his time with musicians. Noff likes girls with a strong character who like to be active. Each one of them gravitated naturally towards friends and activities that most support who they are and what they enjoy. This way, when they are with their friends, they are in flow. It is effortless and fun.

I know this is rather technical, so maybe go over it again and talk with your partner about it. The challenge is making it work for your particular child, but the rewards are so great, it is well worth your time.

As a bonus for you, consider that goal setting can become an activity that connects you to your children. You learn to know them in a deep way. You win their trust through some of the most challenging times of their life. You celebrate their joys and help them overcome difficulties. And you develop a common language.

Please come back and share your story of goal setting for happiness.

Happy parenting,
Gal

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Every test in our life makes us bitter or better.
Every problem comes to make us or break us.
The choice is ours whether we become victim or victor
- Alexander Alvarez

Happiness is no doubt an art. If we think of all the happiness artists we know who are able to be happy, they all have something in common. They have some drive that others, who are depressed, do not have.

Our body is a sophisticated machine of chemicals that are working together in a very brilliant way. Even if some parts of the machine are not functioning well, the body can fix itself by sending help. The molecules and the cells function with a drive to go somewhere, to do something. If the parts of the machine stop moving for some reasons, we get sick and eventually die.

Emotionally, people are much the same - they are born with a drive that goes through inhibition. If you do not use some of your emotional functions, you lose them.

Think of babies, fascinated by life. Everything is new to them and they are in the best mindset they will ever be - they are born explorers. What we see on the outside as checking the world around them translates in their brain to many connections and the biggest physical growth of their life. They do it without understanding, without skills and without money - exploring happiness.

Babies find things that make them happy and do them over and over again. They can watch the same movie many times and laugh again and again when Mom makes the same silly sounds.

I remember when Tsoof was a baby and experienced water slides, he would slide with a horrified look on his face, yet when he reached our outstretched hands at the bottom of the water slide, he would say, even before regaining his breath, "Again".

Kids are very driven to find happiness and use it as an internal compass that directs them forward. Adults, on the other hand, after not using this compass for a while, stop believing it exists.

Life coach as a tour guide

When I ask my clients, "What do you want?" they are often a little shocked, because they do not know what they want. They have a clear understanding of where they are not going, but as their "tour guide", I cannot use this to help them design their exploration journey. If they want me to help them get to their destination, I must know where that is. If you want to find happiness, look for it and decide where your happiness resides.

When no port in mind, no wind is favorable
- Seneca

One of the challenges people have in their search is believing that happiness resides in one place, where everyone can find refuge and peace, success and joy, friends and love. Another challenge is believing that you need to deserve getting there.

Babies, on the other hand, do not search for such a place and believe they deserve every second of their joy. Happiness is a birthright. Being alive means you deserve it. There is nothing you need to do, say or have to be happy. You only need to BE happy.

We live this life as explorers moving forward towards this place when we can live in peace with the world around us. While a tour guide takes people on expeditions of new places and sights, a life coach takes the client on an exploration journey of their own mind. When people reach their destination, they are fascinated to find that they are able, successful, friendly, kind, smart, funny and happy and that "the happy place" had been there all that time, in their mind and within reach.

When Tsoof stood on the top of the water slide, doing something he was afraid to do, he was exploring how far he could go with his fears. He had a natural drive that 2-year-olds have to do the things you fear, because you know that at the end of the ride, you will discover how brave you are.

There was a chance he would get to the bottom of the slide, hit the water with his face, be unable to breathe and discover that it was not fun at all, but at least he tried.

Courage is fear holding on a minute longer
- George Smith Patton

Another challenge for happiness explorers is the belief that obstacles are signs they are not on "the right path" that leads to happiness. They think life needs to be easy and without any challenges. In those situations, they avoid obstacles, challenges and problems and aim for a life in which everything is perfect, they are not worried, they succeed at everything, they love everyone and everyone loves them.

This makes them miss opportunities to explore their challenges and learn something about themselves. I always say that the main emotional function of a school is to give students the opportunity to explore the "I can" function of their brain. Discovering you can, you are strong, you are kind, you are capable, you are friendly and you are kind is way more important than what you learn in grammar or math lessons and these discoveries will bring you to your happiness faster.

This week, I had an amazing session with one of my clients. He is 40 years old and has sad, painful and dysfunctional relationships with everyone in his life - family, parents, wife, children, bosses, work colleagues and even neighbors. After lots of "I have no idea where I want to go" and "I have a vivid understanding of where I started and where I don't want to go", he learned about taking the journey inside and going down the water slide with a scary look on his face and excitement in his heart.

I told him that as a happiness explorer, you must

1. Know where you are going
2. Feel that you deserve happiness
3. Have the courage to do the things you are afraid of, because they are the best signs of growth

After six months of coaching, he said, "The first time I tried to face my fear, I was in panic. I wanted to run away. The second time, I was still scared, but it did not feel like I would faint, and now, I feel I can control that feeling and shift the intensity of the feeling at will".

If you are a happiness explorer, work on these key factors in order to get going and reach your happy destination.

1. Make a list of 100 things that make you happy to help you discover what you think your destination is
2. Make a list of 100 things that make you worthy. You deserve happiness. Everyone does
3. Make a huge list of your fears and conquer them one at a time. The easiest way to find your fears is to list all the things that are hard for you. If they are a bit hard, then you have a bit of fear. Get them out of your way. If they are extremely hard, you have an extreme fear. You can handle them gradually:
   • Stand next to the water slide for a while and watch others enjoying it. Try to learn from them strategies for sliding and watch their faces as they reach the bottom
   • Find someone or something to catch you and pick you up - a parent, a sibling, a life vest or goggles
   • Stand at the bottom of the ladder and gather enough courage just to climb
   • Climb up and watch others sliding
   • Sit down, close your eyes, take a deep breath, let go and allow life to take you on an amazing journey

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear
- Ambrose Redmoon

So free yourself and look at life as an opportunity to explore your skills, abilities, talents and gifts, which you can take with you on your life expedition to find happiness.

Happy exploring,
Ronit

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• Emotional Summer
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When Gal and I lived in Thailand and the humidity was extremely high, I never complained. I take a shower with such hot water that it is too hot for Gal. I have lived in Texas and loved it. I have lived in California (that was OK), Thailand and Singapore (loved it), and now I live in Brisbane, Australia, doing my best to forget the 3 miserable years in Melbourne, Australia, because I was so cold there.

There is a joke that says Melbourne has 4 seasons in one day, because the temperature changes dramatically every couple of hours. I found that to be true, but the only 4 temperatures I recognized were "cold", "very cold", "extremely cold" and "freezing cold". Maybe I have different temperature receptors. I just love the warmth and the heat, and it boosts my health and wellbeing.

Our emotional state is very much like the weather. Everyone has different receptors and a different optimal temperature. It is important to understand that we have different ways of reaching our optimal temperature.

In the same way we adjust our water temperature and volume in the shower, Gal and I use different ways of coping with situations in our lives. Gal prefers to talk about the situation and analyzing reasons and options, while I prefer doing things that will make me happy and distract me, at least for a while, until I calm down and consider the situation from a distance and come up with solutions. It is very important to note that both of us, although we use different methods, are trying to reach happiness within.

One-weather people

Happiness is a vague concept for many people. It strikes me as a problematic idea when people ask me if we, at Be Happy in LIFE, are always happy.

Unfortunately, some people think that constant happiness exists. I call them the "one-weather people". They are doomed to feel frustrated all their life, because having 100% of days with optimal temperatures is an unrealistic goal, like searching for a place that does not exist. Even our very sophisticated body does not have the same temperature constantly and needs mechanisms to monitor and bring the body back to the optimal temperature whenever we are sick, when it is hot or cold outside, when we are physically active, when we stand next to an oven, and the list goes on. Our body uses many functions to bring us to our optimal temperature.

We need to do the same emotionally.

Life is full of different kinds of "weather". The things that happen to us in life throw us off our optimal emotional "temperature" and we need to find ways to bounce back to a clear, sunny, warm, happy state.

Emotional winters

We often describe successful people as having the sun shining on them, leading them forward with its light and warmth. When I talk to my clients about successful people, they are convinced that successful people never experience emotional winters. I tell them that successful people do not go through more emotional summers than winters, but they know how to reserve some sunshine to keep them warm when winter comes.

Here is a partial list of examples of situations, circumstances, feelings and thoughts that can bring emotional winter to your life.

1. Loss of a loved one
2. Loss of a job
3. Jealousy
4. Uncertainty
5. Feeling of failure
6. Conflict with partner
7. Worries
8. Loneliness
9. Financial instability
10. Conflict with family member
11. Lack of income for basic needs
12. Sadness
13. Feeling ignored and unappreciated
14. Physical pain
15. Sickness
16. Rejection
17. Regrets or shame
18. Fear
19. Being under threat (of losing your job, for example)
20. Being bullied
21. Having to justify or defend yourself
22. Being bored
23. Being so tired it is hard to think and stay calm
24. Anxiety
25. Being criticized a lot
26. Having a new baby
27. Being around people who drain you from energy
28. Thinking of yourself as inferior
29. Not having enough time
30. Change

Each of the items on the list above can bring winter to your life and, like any winter, it can be drizzles, light showers, storms with hale and even heavy snow and ice. For each of these, you will have to use different mechanisms to make sure you can stay warm. For some, using an umbrella is enough, and for others, you will need gloves, long woolen underwear and a beanie to cover your head and face.

Emotional winters cannot be totally prevented, as they are mostly caused by circumstances beyond our control. Once they appear, every person needs enough skills to make sure their winter does not last too long.

Life is not about what happens to us but what we do about it
- Ronit Baras

Depression is Everlasting Winter

Everyone experiences winters. This is why in the medical world, the diagnosis of depression has a clear distinction between temporary and chronic depression. A depressed person is a person who has had too many winters over a certain period.

You are probably asking yourself, "How long is too long?" Well, a person is depressed when the sum of all their emotional summers is lower than that of all their winters.

Although the aim to have summer 365 days a year is not realistic, we can consider ourselves happy if we have managed to scare the rain and storms and to give more time and space to sunshine and heat - when we do not have to dress up with extra layers to protect ourselves and add more layers every year.

How to have an emotional summer

1. Go through self-assessment. Every day before going to bed, analyze your day and label it as a "summer day" or a "winter day". This is highly important to do with children to help them interpret their emotional state, pay attention to winters and make sure they are kept short. Once you have rated a month, aim to have one more summer day the following month.
2. Store rays of sunshine in the form of a success journal, talking about your successes, achievements, acts of kindness and everything good that has happened to you during the day. It is strange, but we tend to forget the good things. Whenever you see that winter is approaching, you can always look at your journal and scare it with some of the stored sunlight.
3. Make an effort to surround yourself with sunny people. Some people carry winter on their shoulders. As soon as they appear, it starts raining. Find the winter people - negative, complainers, victims, critics, gossips, superiors or inferiors. Find them and limit the time you spend with them.
4. Have a hobby. Hobbies bring lots of warmth into your life and every winter can be chased away by dedicating more time to your hobbies.
5. Set powerful, realistic goals and work towards achieving them. Success in achieving goals brings lots of satisfaction and a strong belief in your abilities. Every goal achieved is an amazing summer day and the memories and conviction in you ability can be stored for a rainy day. Like the story of the ant and he cricket, we need to collect grains of food on summer days to have enough during the winter. Each grain you collect helps.
6. Make sure you are in a physical contact with someone every day. Research on physical touch found out that people feel better when they have lots of physical touch, especially from those they love. Remember the rule: 12 hugs a day keeps the winter away".
7. At dinnertime, when you share your day with your family, count your blessings. Tell everyone how many good things happened to you today and what you appreciate in yourself and in others. Going to bed 3-4 hours later, you are more likely to mark the day as a "summer day".
8. Practice pride therapy. Remember, being proud is not boasting. You do not have to make anyone feel bad when you are proud of your achievements. If you have kids, that is easy - you can always tell them how much you are proud of them. Every pride has some self-pride in it, which adds to your feeling of summer.
9. Be kind to others. This is a great way to bring the sun. Research on kindness and volunteering discovered that giving is a wonderful way to receive and that people who help others are happier and more content than those who do not. Aim to be kind to someone once a day. Do not mix what you have to do with what you can choose to do from the kindness of your heart. Making dinner for your children or your partner is not a form of kindness, but making a special dinner with their favorite food is, especially when they really need it.
10. Make a list of 100 things that make you happy and use your list every day. Share your list with loved ones and they will help you. I call this list a bucket of sunshine. If you work this list every day, you can scare away even long, hard winters. No two lists ever look the same. Your list is a way for you to get to your optimal temperature your way.

Everyone has emotional winters. We differ by the methods we use to overcome them with the sunshine of our summers.

Life coaches are traders in sunshine. If you need help in bringing summer to your life, you can contact us at Be Happy in LIFE.

Until next time, I wish you many summers!
Ronit

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When this happens, I tell them there is something good about being unhappy. They always look at me surprised, thinking I have fallen on my head, but gradually, they understand that being unhappy and going to see a life coach is a wonderful sign that your body is talking to you and you are listening and actually doing something about it.

Congratulations, you are unhappy!

If you are unhappy with something in your life, congratulations! You are aware of your best navigating compass - your feelings.

Some people think happiness is an airy-fairy thing that cannot be explained and understood, not to mention controlled. Many people say they want to control their feelings in fear that their feelings might take over and control them.

But feelings do not have a mind of their own. They are a compass that lets us know where we should or should not go, we just have to look at it from time to time and see the direction it is pointing to. It is very simple. If it says, "I am not happy", change directions. If it says, "I am happy", keep going the same way.

I think this realization has helped me lots in life. When some of my friends, who know I am a happiness coach, ask me, "Well, Ronit, What is your formula for happiness?" I answer, "Tune into your body and let your feelings guide you".

"The Zone"

Think of your body (your "gut feelings") as a thermometer that tells you the level of your happiness. Unlike our body temperature, which needs to be in the same range for everyone to be healthy, the optimal happiness "temperature" differs from person to person. This is the temperature that makes us feel good - not overly excited, but not miserable either. This is called" The Zone".

Most people do not live in the zone. There are six reasons for not living in our zone.

We do not know where our zone is

It is because we do not think there is such a thing, so we do not look for it. I see many clients that do not think it is possible for them to be happy. Some think they will never experience it or that they never have.

I think this is the biggest problem for those who think they do not deserve happiness. They have developed a belief that happiness is a reward, something you must earn through hard work and good behavior. Sounds familiar?

We avoid searching for our zone because we are afraid to feel pain

We prefer not to feel pain, but think what would happen to you without the feeling of pain if you put your hands in a fire or spend a long time in the snow.

I think people do this only because they are so far from their zone and hurt so much they think of not feeling anything as a cure, when in fact, their feeling of too cold or too hot is a way for their body to protect them from greater harm. Unhappy feelings are the same - they protect us from greater harm. They function as guards to prevent us from going towards complete self-destruction.

We pay too much attention to what makes others happy

We think that other's optimal temperature is THE desired temperature. Many people say they cannot breathe in Thailand, yet I felt like that was my zone. At 90-95% humidity and high temperatures, I was at my best.

Do you really think this was THE happy temperature? No! It was just MY zone. I know some people who find it a great zone too, while others find it unbearable. Looking at other people's zone is a good way to get ideas about possible zones, but people have different values and needs and every person needs to examine these options and find his/her own.

We are so far away from the zone we cannot see it

Some people do not live in the zone because they are so far from it they lose sight of it. Think about it like a diet. Your optimal weight/temperature/happiness weight is 60kg. Then, something happens and you are tired, work too much, have pressure at work and you are just a little bit unhappy when you stand on the scales and see 62kg.

You tell yourself it is impossible to be happy at all times, it is just a little bit of extra weight/temperature/unhappiness, you have heard it is important to accept yourself as you are, life is full of compromises, you cannot be a super parent and a model and a cleaner and a business woman and an athlete and a great lover at the same time, and there are only 24 hours in one day. Gradually, you get to 75kg (which seems sudden, but is not), your temperature is so high you are burning and you are are so far from your zone you do not remember you were once happy.

Do you know how many clients tell me, "I don't think I ever loved my partner", as a way for them to recover after their partner has packed their things and left? When I ask, "How long had you been unhappy?" they say one year, two years and sometimes more. Their optimal relationship zone was around 60, but by the time their partner left, it had gradually reached 200. Who can survive at 200 for a long time?

Getting used to being "just a little bit unhappy" is one of the worst things in our life. People confuse compromise with flexibility. A little bit of unhappiness is not the end of the world, but it is a sign we are not going in the right direction. We should not panic, but we should certainly do something about it.

We expect others to make us happy

Another reason I can see with many client is they can recognize their unhappiness, they know that it is not a good sign, but instead of thinking, "My body is telling me I need to change direction", they say, "My body is telling me that someone else (sometimes even everyone else) around me needs to change direction". They complain, they criticize and judge others for their actions and behavior, believing that if others change to their temperature, they will be happy.

They are like the guy in the joke who calls his wife on the phone and she tells him, "They're saying on the radio there's a lunatic where you are driving in the wrong direction", and he tells her, "One lunatic? They're all lunatics here driving in the wrong direction. I seem to be the only decent driver out here".

This attitude only feeds the unhappiness and anchors it. Assuming that the people around you need to live at your temperature guarantees everyone will be unhappy. People who do not take responsibly for their happiness feel very frustrated most of the time and when you tell them to take control over their own happiness, they say that they do it by telling others about their "little unhappiness".

Your body is talking to you, not to anyone else!

We focus on temporary happiness substitutes

As a result of throwing the responsibility on others, some people give up on real happiness and search instead for artificial ways to be happy, or should I say, they focus on getting rid of their unhappiness in an artificial way. They search for the answers outside of them, instead of inside. So they drink alcohol, take drugs, smoke, overeat, go to the doctor and ask for antidepressants, seek alternative healers to give them magic potions, but they do not understand that no doctor and no pill can help them find their zone, because there is no such thing as "one size fits all".

They may feel better for a short time, sometimes even a very short time, but things will get worse straight after. Happiness is a choice and no one else can choose it for you.

How to find your happiness zone

Every person needs to find their own zone and focus on living in it. Some people become missionaries after finding their zone. They try telling everyone else how to live, but again, they assume there is one right temperature or definition of happiness. It is good to understand that examining each area of our life will help us fine-tune our own definition.

Here is a list of questions that will help you find your zone. Ask them often. You have all the answers. Notice the questions are not about what you imagine your zone is but what you have experienced in the past.

What makes me happy? Make a list of what makes you happy, do the 100 list. This is a good way to find your zone.

In what circumstances have I felt at my best? It was easy for me to find out the optimal temperature.

What makes me unhappy? Focus on your feeling and pay attention to being irresponsible. If you are not happy because of someone else, this is the reason you are not happy - you are throwing the responsibility on them.

In which areas of my life do I compromise with being "just a little bit unhappy"? Remember, this is a "silent killer". No one reaches extra weight/temperature suddenly. It happens a little bit every time we compromise on wanting to be happy. Find areas where you are "a little bit unhappy" and think of what you can do to change them. If you feel resentment towards your solution, it is still out of the zone. Resentment is not a happy feeling. Solutions that work may be difficult, but they will make you feel hopeful and inspired.

Although I do not believe we can be happy all the time, I do believe we need to aim to be there. And we cannot change everything in our life either. Some things we are not happy about and we cannot change. We need to accept them instead. Acceptance is not the same as compromise. In acceptance, there is contentment. In compromise, there is still resentment.

Happiness is not a reward for good behavior or success. It is reward for paying attention and taking responsibility. Our body is talking. We need to choose to listen and act.

May the force be with you!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Emotional Summer
• Exploring Happiness
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction

As a life coach, I talk a lot about wanting. I believe wanting is essential in life. It is the driving force of our existence. But today, I want to tell you about a session on my life coaching deck that reminded me again why the question "Why?" is as important as the question "What?" Chris, one of my wonderful clients, taught me a wonderful lesson about what happens when you do not know why.

All I knew about Chris was that he was a businessman in his early fifties, married, with no kids and a lack of motivation who was looking for a life coach. Nothing special. We all have those periods in our life when we just find it hard to get up in the morning.

This is what I told myself when I prepared for his session. The first time he came, when I opened the door, I saw from the corner of my eyes a classy Mercedes Benz parked outside. Well, the first thing I could think of was "Oh my god, what a beautiful car". I have to say it made me more curious about the reason he came. I thought that car was the result of lots of motivation.

Chris came out onto my deck, looked around and admired the yard. "What a beautiful place", he said, "Do you see all your clients here?" he asked. He seemed very friendly.

"Yes, I do. It makes everyone very relaxed, including me", I smiled.

He put his car keys on the table and said, "It's true. I feel relaxed already". He sat at the table and I asked him a bit about his life.

Life coaching involves some detective work. I take the puzzle pieces and try to put them together, looking for the piece that has the most important items on it, the piece that will make the picture clear. I asked and he was happy to answer. I think in some way, he wanted my help and presence to think out loud.

"Why are you here, Chris? What do you want?" I asked him.

He looked confused. "I really don't know. I think something's wrong with me".

Some people just do not know what they want. They sense that something is wrong and their life could be better, but they cannot put their finger on it. Asking "What do you want?" can open doors to places where they do not tend to go by themselves.

"What do you mean 'Something is wrong with me'?" I asked.

"I have a beautiful wife. We've been together 30 years now. I love her and she loves me ... I have a business that turns over millions of dollars every year ... I bought myself the car of my dreams last year", he said and I immediately thought about the classy car parked outside my house and I was sure many people have the same dream, "I have good friends that I see from time to time ... I go to church every weekend ... I have everything I wanted in life and still, there is something wrong with me".

My first reaction was, "Wow, this sounds like the perfect life. Why on Earth would any person who has everything everyone only dreams of say that something is wrong with him, but then Chris said, "I'm not happy".

Happiness is like a barometer. I think that people who realize this may feel a bit scared at first, but they have a great potential to be powerful.

"Why aren't you happy?" I asked.

"I don't know. I wish I could figure this out myself", he said. He looked sad.

When he was 16, Chris was kicked out of a very poor, disturbed home. After spending time as a homeless teen, hungry on the cold streets of England, he made up his mind to be a millionaire. "I knew I would be a millionaire one day. I've had hundreds of businesses over the years. I became a millionaire officially two years ago. Unfortunately, it had taken me 35 years to do it".

"Do you think something is wrong with you because it took you 35 years to become a millionaire?" I asked him.

"Yes, of course", he said, "Don't you think it's too long?"

"Some people spend their whole life trying and never become millionaires", I said to him, "I know many people who would be thrilled with being millionaires after 35 years. It's much better than never".

He looked at me surprised and said, "That's a good point. You're right".

Chris was sharp. The way he responded made me think that he was looking for someone to challenge his thinking and to help him thinking.

"What makes you happy?" I asked.

He hesitated and answered like a child who has been caught doing something bad. "Beer ... I get up in the morning and think of beer ... when I'm at work, I can only think of beer ... when I come back home, I only want beer".

I thought to myself, "What a waste. He reminds me of kids and their attitude to school breaks. Throughout the whole year, they look forward to the next school break, but when the long summer break finally arrives, they do not know what to do with all that spare time. I would have done so many things with that money. I wonder if Chris thought the same way before he had all that money".

"Do you only think of beer and want beer or do you actually drink beer?" I asked.

"Oh, I drink beer all day, but it doesn't even make me happy anymore. I told you something was wrong with me", he said.

It was funny, hearing a 50-year-old man talking like a child. "What's the problem with drinking beer all day?" I asked.

"I don't enjoy it and it makes me unhappy. I think I'm addicted", he said.

"Define addiction", I said. After hearing so many clients defining "addiction", I have perfected my own definition the word, but I wondered about his.

"Addiction is when you want something more and more, but when you get what you want, it is not satisfying and you want even more of it. It is a never-ending cycle. It gives you temporary comfort, but over time, it is less and less comforting and you need more and more of it", he said.

This trick always worked. When asked about addiction, every client comes up with a definition that sounds like it is the first time they have thought about it. The trick is to make them hear themselves defining it.

"When did you start drinking?" I asked him.

"I've been drinking all my life, but you know, once a week, nothing serious. I'm not sure exactly when I started drinking more. I think about two or two and a half years ago".

I had a feeling I had heard him talking about this timeframe. "What triggered it? Did something special happen back then, two or two and a half years ago?" I asked.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing", he said, playing with his car keys, then suddenly stopped.

We had about 2 minutes of silence. He looked at me and his eyes were shining. He knew exactly when his drinking had started. "It started at a party my wife and I organized for the whole office after I signed a big contract. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and I was in panic. I think I'm still in panic", he said with long pauses, as if he was talking to himself and thinking out loud.

"What was it that scared you so much?" I asked.

He sat back in his chair and played with his car keys again. There was another long period of silence. Then, he said, "I think I realized it didn't have the power I thought it did".

"What power?" I asked.

"The power to make me happy, the power to fix everything, the power to feel loved. I was given a magic lamp and there was nothing magic about it. All my life, I'd said, 'When I become a millionaire, it will fix everything' and it fixed nothing. I was the same man. It was so devastating I started to drink. I'm addicted to beer. Every day, I drink more than the previous day and it doesn't help".

When he talked about the magic lamp, I understood that most people think the same about money. They are addicted to making money. They want more of it, they make more of it, but it is never enough. The second you look in your bank account provides temporary comfort, but every time, the joy last less and less time. It is painful to find out that what you wanted all your life was not exactly what you thought it would be. Chris was just one more guy who was addicted to making money. He was just an addicted millionaire.

Addiction, from my experience, is a mindset. If you overcome one, you usually replace it with something else. Sometimes, I think it is a bottomless pit, caused by pain, that people try to fill in ways that only make the emptiness bigger. I had found the most valuable piece in this puzzle. Chris and I talked about addiction and I asked him to think of all the things in his life he was addicted to, based on his definition of addiction.

"I'm addicted to money", he said in relief.

Mostly poor people are addicted to money, because they are far more focused on wanting money than on what they would do with that money once they got it. They dedicate most of their energy in life to making money and not enough to using it well. They know what they want, but not why they want it.

Chris had been addicted to money since he was 16 years old. He had been in such pain from being thrown out of his home and living on the streets without food, he developed the belief that money was the cure for all his pains. He had started business after a business. He had failed and gotten up and earned more and more and finally, when he had reached his desired goal of being a millionaire and it had not filled up the emptiness, he had lost his motivation and wanted to drown himself in his disappointment, so he had swapped one addiction with another.

Emptiness cannot be filled with sugar, food, alcohol, money, drugs or any other addiction. Emptiness can only be replaced by a feeling of gratitude, self-appreciation, acceptance, forgiveness and a strong feeling of love.

The millionaire game

It was the end of the session and Chris and I came up with a strategy for our next session. I told him next time we would play the "Millionaire game". I started playing this game when I was 24 and I had my first business. At home, we play it very often with the kids. In this game, we imagine what we would do with lots of money. When we talk about what we want to do with that money, it can help us find the why, the pain or discomfort we want this money to heal. If we know what we are missing in life, we can make good use of our money by buying this feeling with the money we have worked so hard to get. Money is a means to an end. When it becomes the goal, reaching our goal can be painful.

I felt lucky. It is not often you get a chance to sit with a real millionaire and ask him, "If you were a millionaire, what would you do with your money?"

Chris stood up and looked at the garden.

"You have a nice place. It's very relaxing here. Do you play games with all your clients?" he asked, smiling.

"As often as I can", I answered and stood next to him.

"I've always thought I was born 16 years old on the street. It's a strange thought. I don't remember myself playing games", he said. I think he understood that money was not really what he wanted. Maybe he was grieving his lost childhood.

As we both looked at the palm trees of my yard, I touched his shoulder and said, "It's never too late to start".

Be happy,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Emotional Summer
• The art of Excellence (3): Risk, success and happiness
• The art of Excellence (2): Fighting poverty

In a newsletter I wrote in February 2008, called "Angels of Love and Demons of Fear", I wrote a story about the key holder. I am bringing it here again for you to see how I perceive the relationship between the two.

Fear is like the Devil that casts a shadow on our life. I know many people who are in constant fear. If you ask them what they are afraid of, they are unable to explain. For some, it is just a pressure they cannot identify. For others, it is more specific, but not enough.

Unfortunately, you cannot fight anything you cannot define. If we want to get rid of our fear, we must know what it is first.

As you know, I like the technique of making a list to recognize and change something we do not like. Making a list of 100 fears can help you identify the blockages in your life. If you are unhappy with your achievements in some area and you dig deeply enough, you will find there is some fear associated with achieving more. If there is a destructive pattern in your behavior and you look at it closely, you will see it is rooted in some fear.

I tell my clients that this list is a big part of our action plan. If we want to achieve something, we must clear the way to it of all the things that are blocking us from making progress and fear is always at the source of those blockages.

As you may know from making other lists (see Make a List), writing down is a way for you to recognize what happens in your mind instead of letting it consume you. This is a private list, just for you, so be honest and do not be afraid to face your thoughts and feelings. That is the idea of this list, after all.

How to list your fears and overcome them

Write everything that comes into your mind quickly and without judgment. Whether it is a statement, a phrase or just a word, writes it down. The faster you write, the more fears will come out of your subconscious. Let your associations run free.

Skip old fears. We have all had fears that are no longer there and there is really no point in bringing them back to life. Focus on what is stopping you today.

When you are angry and agitated, your list will be different from when you are in a good mood. When we are upset, we are much more fearful (this is why we are upset). In that sense, it may be better to write down your fear list when you are upset. I am not sure everyone is able to do this, but if you can, you will probably find even more distressing thoughts than you normally would.

Do not be afraid of repetition. If things seem to be similar to what you have already written, write them down anyway. This will help you find out what keeps your mind occupied the most. At the end, you can combine them into one big item with their collective importance.

Go over your life areas and find fears in each of them. What are your fears regarding your health? Others' health? Money, relationships, career, friends, purpose and emotions (what feelings are you afraid to feel?).When searching for fears, remember that anxiety, stress and confusion are versions of fear. Ask yourself, "What worries me?", "What makes me stressed?" and "What makes me feel confused?" At the root of each of the answers, there is some fear.

Rate your fears. Fears come in different strengths. Some of them are small and others are so big they are overwhelming. It is important to think of how much you are afraid of a particular issue. If you are just a little bit afraid of something, give it a 1. If you are really, really afraid, give it a 10. Rating is a very good technique in personal development that allows you to find the best areas to improve. You may find you have many fears rated 2-3, but the ones that stop you from being happy are in the 8-10 range. Focus on them first!

When you have completed your list, split your fears into life areas. This will help you discover which area is of most concern for you. Several of my clients wrote many financial fears. As we discussed them, they found common sources for some of those fears. As we worked through the solutions, we discovered that some of them relieved several fears at once and made progress a lot faster. By grouping your fears into their life areas, your journey to happiness may be shorter too.

Next to each fear, to write why you think you are afraid. More than spotting the fear, it is important to know what created it. Sometimes, something painful happened in the past and you are afraid of feeling this pain again. Other times, your fear may have no connection to the past. For example, some people are afraid of losing their money not because they have lost money but because they have a belief that "good things don't last forever". Another example is a husband who is afraid his wife might have an affair with someone else. She has never done it, but he is afraid he may not be good enough (for her). The reason for your fear is important, because the solution to a fear of a painful experience from the past is different from the solution to a fear based on a belief.

Find the underlying fear. Your answers may reveal another fear. For example: I am afraid of Mr Dang. Why? Because he is very angry and I am afraid he will shout at me. Treat the reply as another belief and start over. Why am I afraid that Mr Dang will shout at me? Because I am afraid to feel humiliated. You can continue asking "Why?" until you find the source. In this example, the source can be a belief that kids do not like playing with someone the teacher yells at. So the underlying fear is that of social isolation.

Another important thing you can find by asking "Why?" is who caused your original fear. Many people discover their fears were created by something their parents, siblings or other important people have said to (or about) them and that they keep holding these fears long afterwards. It is important to find out who started your fears, because peoples' authority and the validity of their statements fade over time. For example, parents' words are not as important to a 35-year-old man as they are to a 5-year-old boy. Another reason is that circumstances change and while the original fear was appropriate at the time, it may not be relevant anymore. Even those people change and may no longer think the same way. For example, my parents were very afraid when I chose to start a business with my sister. They had had a bad experience mixing family and business and they did a lot to make me change my mind. At first, I was concerned, but then, I decided to go ahead anyway. After two successful (and peaceful) years in business with my sister, their fear changed. Instead of saying, "Every family business relationship is doomed to fail", they changed it to, "Some family business relationships fail, depending on the people involved".

The third part of asking "Why?" is to think of the circumstances that have created the fear. I have a good financial example. While we had to be very calculated with our spending when we were a poor family with 7 mouths to feed, it was no longer the case when I started working and earned lots of money. So there was no point holding on to the fear that the money would run out. I lived in a different generation, I had a different partner, I had a profession, I had lots of savings and I did not have 7 mouths to feed, so I changed my fear to the belief "I have plenty of money. I have enough for a rainy day". That way, I was no longer afraid of money running out. When you find the fear circumstances and the time it was created, ask yourself, "How have circumstances changed since?" It will help you discover that there is always change. You have changed. You are not the same person. You have more skills, more experience, more support, more resources, etc.

Find at least one contradicting example that proves to you that your fear is not valid or real. For example, if I am afraid that I will not be able to submit my article to the editor on time, I recall plenty of times when I have sent articles on time to chase the fear away. Sometimes, just one example can shake the strength of the belief.

The process of changing your fears may be long and challenging, but it is very important. It involves recognizing your fears, finding their sources, shaking the fears and chasing them away, then swapping them with powerful, forward-facing and positive beliefs of love and happiness. This process never ends, because the fears never disappear and new circumstances breed new fears. With the list activity, some of them fade and are not strong and debilitating as much as they were before. Do not be afraid to try!

Have a nice and easy discovery process.

Be happy!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Exploring Happiness
• Emotional Summer
• A Little Bit Unhappy

If you hear parents tell you that kids are an obstacle for them, I can tell you that having kids is a bad excuse for not doing business. When the kids grow up and leave the house, they will be left with their excuses. So when they have to explain why they have never done what they have always wanted to do, they will start saying, "It's too late now", which is just another excuse.

If you are thinking of starting a business and will need to juggle business and family, it is a good idea to discover what you will have to do to succeed at it. Some people are not cut out to own and operate a business. Others do not know how to balance a home and a business. Managing your business, your home and your parenting well requires some skills and attitudes that will determine the success of your business, the quality of your family life and even your health.

Unlike people who do not have kids, business parents risk a lot more than their own time and money. They risk their relationships with their partners and with their kids, as well as the quality of preparation their kids get for life. You go into business because you want a better life for your kids, not to destroy your relationship with your kids, so do it right!

Qualities of bad business people

Here is a list of qualities and behaviors that will prevent you from making it in business and what you can do instead. Read carefully. If you find any item that describes how you operate, make an effort to change before investing in a business. If you are already in a business, this is even more important.

1. Reactive - cannot predict anything and do not think ahead. Reactive people behave like the Fire Brigade and try to put out fires instead of preventing them. They are always surprised when things happen, because they do not plan ahead. Think ahead. Visualize. Conceptualize. Play with scenarios in your mind. Have a good system that can tell you to pay attention to things ahead of time. We send our subscribers a newsletter every month on the 15^th. We cannot afford to wake up on the 15^th and say, "Oh, I have a newsletter to write and prepare". We have computer reminders and we write and schedule things in advance. In business, many things cannot be predicted, but many can be. Have things ready well ahead of time.
2. Lacking long, medium or short-term goals. Nobody can achieve goals without having them. You go into business to succeed. You have to have a definition of what success means to you. You have to build up to that success by setting and achieving short, medium and long-term goals. They are your success plan.
3. Being busy with details and never having enough time. The feeling of not having time means they do not manage their time properly. You can predict how this affects the way they manage their family life too. Having good time management is essential to running a family as much as to running a business. If you hear yourself saying often, "I don't have time", stop and do something about it. You may be planning too much, you may not be effective or your sense of priority may need adjusting.
4. Avoiding decisions. When the decisions are tough, some people wait for their circumstances to change and save them from making a choice. Remember, not making a decision is a choice. Good business people do not give circumstances the power to determine their life. They make decisions even if they are tough and keep learning from the outcomes.
5. Making a fuss out of little things. Some people find it hard to distinguish between what is important and what requires letting go. If you declare a "red alert" for every tiny thing, no wonder your life looks like a battle zone. If you are such a person, use a rating system. On a scale of 1-10, how big is this issue? Or on a scale of 1-10, how important is this for me? Then, choose your battles. Deal with the important things and fit the rest in-between or let them go.
6. Having a desk full of documents and not prioritizing. If you look at some people's desk, you will see a jumble of bills, articles, bank statements, private letters and even things they have no use for. Put some order into your documents. Have a place for everything. Have a filing system for documents. On average, people go over each document 6 times. That is a waste of a lot of time you could be spending with your kids. Decide what to do about each document and then file it or throw it away. The order and the space on you desk will clear your mind.
7. Not delegating and trying to do everything by themselves. Some people never ask for help. When you are in business and have kids, you cannot be superman or superwoman, so get help. Let someone else do the things you cannot. If your time is worth X, pay someone else whose time is worth less than X to do the accounts, the cleaning or the stock taking. You may pay the same by the hour, but if they get twice as much done in that time, you save.
8. Doing things manually ("the old fashioned way"). Some people avoid spending money on things that can make them more productive. An electric saw may cost more than a hand saw, but if your job is cutting timber, it will make you heaps faster and pay for itself 10 times every week. Get better tools. Buy software, books, machines and other technology that will speed up your work.
9. Working 10-14 hours a day. Working at night or staying overtime often is a sign of poor time management. If you do extra work regularly, you will burn out. Decide how many hours you work and stick to it. If you need to work more than 8 hours, try doing it after the kids are in bed. You do not want them to see you working all the time. They might thing you have no life and learn from you. If you need to give extra time, plan it ahead. Get the kids to a weekend sleepover at the grandparents or with friends and do some extra work.
10. Stretching boundaries to the point of addiction with "I will do just one more thing". Some people stay at work and keep reading "just one more email" or "just making that last change" when it is time to go home. Others stay up and watch "just to the end of this show", then find themselves tired and grumpy the following day. When you run your own business, work never ends. There is always "one more thing" to do. Let go! Stop on time. Switch to "family mode". Take care of yourself. Stick to your boundaries.
11. Having a black and white mentality. Some people are not flexible with their requirements and expectations. They are constantly frustrated, because life is full of "shades of gray", not black and white. This is a rigid mindset and gets them into lots of problems. Flexible businesses respond faster to market changes and succeed where rigid ones fail. Learn to compromise and accept a variety of situations and people.
12. Being perfectionists. Some people talk about "the right solution" instead of "a practical", "a possible" or "a manageable" solution. Again, that makes them very frustrated and others view them as snappy and anti-social, which makes it harder to do business with them. Life is never perfect, if only because different people expect different things. Go for "good enough" and do the best you can do under the circumstances, even if it is not "perfect".
13. Always finding someone to blame for problems, difficulties and challenges. If something goes wrong and you always talk about whose fault it is, you are suffering from the blame disease. People do not like doing business with those who do not take responsibility. Take responsibility!
14. Seeing a bad and sad future, complaining and finding problems and faults. Again, people do not like being around complainers. Just stop complaining or use the rubber band technique. Put a rubber band on your wrist and flick it and experience pain every time you complain. After a while, it will slow down. When you look at the bright side, your life and your business will be bright.
15. Taking work home. Mixing work and home can be dangerous, because it blurs the lines and makes it easier to extend work at the expense of home. Even if you decide to work from home, have a separate area for work and "go home" when the workday is over.
16. Not taking time to rejuvenate. Some people wear themselves down by working non-stop. Weekends are precious, so use them for rest. Take a few days off for fun and relaxation every 3 months. Take a longer holiday once a year.
17. Trying to be friendly with everyone. Some people just want to be nice and do not know how to set boundaries with clients, suppliers, employees and even their children. At some point, they start feeling abused and their self-esteem starts to drop, along with their performance. In business, you must set prices and you must set policies. Learn to be nice within reason and to be firm when you need to be.
18. Trying to avoid paying Tax and forgetting to make money. Taxes are paid on income and even when you pay 40% taxes, you get to keep 60% of what you make, which is better than nothing. I want to pay $1,000,000 in tax every year, because it will mean I am making a lot of money. Accept taxes as part of life and get on with making money. In fact, look at a high tax amount as an indication you are doing well.

In a way, running a family is similar to running a business. If you have the right skills and attitudes, you can do both of them well. If someone tells you that you cannot do both, do not listen, because you can! Kids are a wonderful source of motivation to succeed in business. Mine have always been and still are every day.

Going into business has advantages and disadvantages. If you are a family man/woman, the risk is greater, but the reward is greater still. I always thought that having kids makes my business success greater as my three kids also enjoy the rewards of my success every day. I am happy, they are happy and I increase the chance they will one day possess the skills to run their own businesses after having a good role model.

Be successful!
Ronit

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This got me thinking that many parents raise their kids to be competitive or to strive for perfection, not realizing there was a third alternative, which helps the kids build their self-esteem and lead a relaxed and happy life. So I wanted to share with you my take on all 3 options and what you can do for your kids through your parenting and personal example.

Competition

Competitive people compare themselves with others all the time. Am I as pretty as Betty? Am I as strong as Josh? Am I as smart as Clarissa? Can I draw as well as Billy?

When they seem to be better than their object of comparison, they are happy, but when the other person seems to be better, they are miserable. Their mood is determined by their choice of competitors, their choice of comparison area and sometimes just by circumstances.

The problem with being competitive is that in a world of 7 billion people, it is very easy to find someone who is better than us, no matter what we are comparing. In fact, whenever we move, change schools, change jobs or just meet new people, there is a chance we will find even more people who are better than we are.

Because we all have different starting point, which we cannot change, any comparison with a taller person on rebounds, with someone who was born in China on fluency in Mandarin or with the Jarawas of Andaman Islands (supposedly the darkest in the world) on tan is simply futile. Likewise, racing someone who is built better and goes through similar training or comparing musical compositions with someone who is naturally gifted in that area are hopeless exercises.

The inevitable result of being competitive is the feeling of failure more often than now and the loss of self-esteem.

I was lucky enough to realize this when I was a child. I noticed that some of my friends were always faster than me, some always jumped higher than I did, some could paint better and some got better grades than I did. In most cases, those other kids were better than me at just one thing or just in one area, but some (and it was harder accepting those) were both smarter and faster than me (and one of them was also more friendly).

To help myself accept that others were better, I noted they were also worse at other things, sometimes had real problems and often were not as good as someone else. For example, while at a Scouts gathering, I noticed some kids picking on our class genius. I came to his aid and as the others went away, I walked towards him to find out if he was OK. He kicked me in the shin. Hard. I hurt like hell. So I figured there were areas in which he was not so smart after all, like the social area.

Mainly, competition is a kind of external focus, a focus on other people, which leaves our self-esteem in their hands. Not so good.

Perfectionism

Whereas competitive people look at others, perfectionists compare themselves against imaginary standards. While some rules are written clearly and are the same for everyone, perfection is a personal matter and a perfectionist's rules of how things should be are typically not written anywhere or accepted by anyone else.

The most common word used by perfectionists is "should". The second most common word used by perfectionists is "must". Perfectionists accept the standards that govern their world so wholeheartedly they never question them.

The problem with perfection is that it is not achievable. It is impossible to do everything right all the time, even in specific areas. We are sometimes tired, hungry, sick and upset. Sometimes, we are faced with problems without the knowledge or skills to solve them. Sometimes, things are in conflict so that doing one thing perfectly means messing up the other one, like climbing the corporate ladder and spending more time with the kids.

Anyone being assessed by a perfectionist is likely to feel belittled and abused, mainly because perfectionists assume "everybody" knows their rules and spend no time whatsoever agreeing with others how they should be measured. In fact, they do not get permission to give their assessment. They just give it.

This invariably leads to an ongoing feeling of frustration, low self-esteem, stress, bad health and loss of friends.

Who, me?

Any competitive sport involves competition, but it does not make the kids competitive.

I coached a boys' basketball for 2 years in a club that had 2 teams. One team was super-competitive. The coach only played the good players, gave the boys feedback based on their performance on the court and talked mainly about the score. The parents of the boys on his team valued the same things.

My team was made up of the sons of parents who just wanted their kids to have fun playing basketball. We played the same game, had the same time to practice and played against the other team many times, but those parents cheered when their children got to play, no matter how well they did, and showered them with praise, no whatever the score.

Hand on heart: which team are you on as a parent?

Not surprisingly, the boys on my team often won games because 5 players always trump a single good athlete, they worked hard at practice, had a good time and our families became close off court.

Also not surprisingly, the boys on the other team were grumpy, the parents complained about how little their sons played and each family walked in a different direction as soon as the game was over.

Now, which team would you like to be on?

When it comes to academic studies, music tuition and dance lessons, there is competition too, but the main aim is some absolute score, like the end-of-year grades at school, the music competence level (AMEB in Australia, ABRSM in other places) and the level-based group in which the child dances.

Many parents track their kids' results closely and subject them to extra tuition and extra pressure when they do not meet the parents' expectations (which the parents often frame as "being good enough"). As a result, their kids feel as though they serve their parents' agenda and their self-esteem drops. Because there is always the next level, they never feel good enough.

Other parents allow and even encourage their kids to play, explore and participate. No matter how well their children score on an activity, they are mostly interested in the personal learning and excitement the activity has given them. As a result, their kids feel appreciated, loved and confident.

Which is closer to your parenting style?

Feeling bad?

If you have realized a thing or two above, and you are planning to beat yourself over them, please stop. Remember your parents never read this. If you are a competitive parent, please remember you are reading this alone. If you are a perfectionist, please remember that everything you have read is just my opinion.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know Ronit and I believe that happy parents raise happy kids. Our philosophy is that you always do the best you can and reading our parenting tips gives you a chance to do things differently by first changing your own feelings and perception and then affecting your kids mainly by being a role model.

I may not have been a competitive child, but I was certainly a perfectionist. On a scale of 0-100, if I brought home an exam paper with "95" on it, I would be asked, "Why not 100?" The question was asked jokingly, as if it was obvious the grades were good, but as a child, I did not know that. Without hearing, "You've done well, son. We're proud of you", I could not say it to myself even years later, so I felt I was not good enough.

May parents meant well. Education was a high value in our home, as was integrity. My 3 sisters have all done very well academically and professionally as a result. But because they were not aware of the consequences of their words and because they themselves did not feel they were good enough (this week, I recalled my grandfather's criticism of my dad and that point really sank in), I grew up to be a perfectionist.

So please start by forgiving yourself for anything you may have done "wrong". Let go of the past and accept it as your own personal starting point, along with your genetic makeup. Growing up in a competitive environment triggered your competitive genes. Being raised by perfectionists activated your perfectionist chromosomes. That was in the past.

Today, you can adopt a new philosophy.

Measuring Personal Progress for Happiness

Brian Tracy is famous sales guru who got me unstuck with this simple method (and I am paraphrasing):

Every day, determine to improve just a little. All you have to do is take a small step forward from where you are right now. Compounding will do the rest

You see, if you take $100 and add 1% a day to it, in 100 days it will become not $200 but more than $270 with compounding. In 1,000 days, instead of $1,100, it will become $2,095,916!

A competitive person will check how others are doing and feel miserable if they have more. A perfectionist will start by aiming at $2,095,916 and spend 999 days feeling bad about not achieving that goal. A person who measures personal progress will start from wherever he or she is right now and keep moving steadily forward and being happy 1,000 days for what little progress he or she made.

Because we all start from a different place, measuring progress works for everyone. It is always relative to US. Because the progress each of us can make is different, measuring our progress in the context of our life works for everyone.

When I got this, I felt huge relief and my happiness grew every day. Now, even on the days with the worst pressure, when things drop on me through email and phone and mess up all my beautiful plans, I take a deep breath and say, "I will do what I can today and I will make progress. It will all add up to big results over time".

And my kids have felt it too. My relief affected them bit by bit, until it compounded to more closeness, more openness, more self-esteem and more happiness. I applied the same method to building my relationships with them and it worked there too. Every day, I tried to do something different - more softly, more clearly, more lovingly and sometimes more firmly.

Maybe there are better parents than me out there. Who cares? Maybe I am not the perfect father. Who cares? I am making progress and I am happy.

How about you?

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Parenting for Happiness
• The Perfect Child: How to help perfectionist kids
• The Perfect Child: Is your kid a perfectionist?

He describes a drug user's life as the chase of highs that never ends. He says that highs last less and less time and the in-between periods become more and more difficult and stressful.

That made me think about the way life seems to be going for many people these days and about how we are being encouraged from every direction essentially to live the life of drug addicts or alcoholics. Our drugs are legal, but we are no less dependent on them and they do us a very similar amount of harm.

Our drugs are money, fame, gadgets, brand names, number of followers on Twitter, number of fans on Facebook, trophies and grades, our kids' trophies and grades, rank or title at work, the size of our house, the model of our car, being up to date with the latest gossip, our highest level at some video game and so on. They may not be chemical, but they are all addictive. We chase them, they give us a short "high" and then we need to go after the next "hit".

People who live like this are never happy. Not really. They are very happy occasionally for a little while, but most of the time, they feel frustrated, stressed and depressed. Many people are forced to learn how to help an alcoholic member of their family who becomes abusive when drunk. This is no different to having a member of the family addicted to video games or chat when they are not "using".

But is the way to happiness not through reaching a comfortable life with all the trimmings? Are we not going to be happy when we have enough money, enough things, enough room in the house for all the things, a good enough car that never breaks and so on?

No, we are not, because the feeling that we have enough is not related to what we have or how much we have of it. Our happiness is not linked directly to our lot in life. That connection is made through our mind and through our perception of ourselves and what we have.

What we need to look for are ways to feel good and be happy for a lot longer. What we need are things that make us feel better the longer we do them, so if we never actually accomplish them, that is a good thing.

Dr. Martin Seligman is a famous happiness researcher and the founder of the field of Positive Psychology. While the rest of the psychology and psychiatry academics tried to help mentally ill people recover and return to healthy society, Dr. Seligman wanted to help normal people discover how to live "the good life" and be happy.

I recently watched Seligman's TED presentation on positive psychology. Among other things, he talked about the different kinds of happiness we can aspire for, which did two things for me. It gave me a clear and concise description of the way to happiness, which I will share with you below. After talking about it with Ronit and the kids, I also realized how happy my own family was and why.

Pleasure - Short Term Happiness

We get pleasure from eating something tasty, watching our favorite show, having sex and buying something we like. The feeling is strong and satisfying. We feel present and alive, as if every nuance of the experience is distinct and powerful - the depth of flavor, the cleverness of the jokes, the touch of the skin and the way we picture ourselves using or wearing our new purchase. It feels great!

But it does not last. If you like coffee, you know the best sip of any cup is the first one. The last bite of food does not taste nearly as good as the first one. And what happens when you hear a joke the 4^th time?

Also, most of the time, we do not eat or drink. Our favorite show is only on for a short period each day and if we bought things all day long, we would run out of money very quickly and the pleasure will more than disappear.

We can extend pleasures if we capture them on paper, film or in digital form and relive them in our memories, but that normally gives us a weaker experience compared to the original.

Bottom line: pleasure makes us happy, but not for long. Find out what gives you pleasure and you can have more of it. Capture your great experiences so they can make you happy again, but remember that total pleasure seeking is like being addicted to drugs.

Flow - Medium Term Happiness

Have you ever been so absorbed in reading a book, engaged in building a model airplane or "giving it your all" in a sporting activity that you "woke up" from it after 2 hours and wondered where the time had gone? At the same time, you probably felt like what you had been doing was well worth your time and that you had been happy doing it.

This is what "flow" is. It is being so involved in what you are doing, the rest of the world ceases to exist for you. It is performing at the peak of your abilities and being so completely focused you achieve many times more than you would if you were preoccupied or stressed.

We are in flow when we do things we like to do and things we are confident doing. Top athletes are in flow when they are engaged in their sport. They know they can do it well and they enjoy it, so they are "in their element". The good results only reinforce their confidence and increase their flow, which creates a positive cycle.

Top sales people are in flow when they talk to clients. Top artists are in flow when they paint, sculpt, compose, sing or play an instrument. Top authors are in flow when they write.

No matter who you are, there are things you do well and like to do. You may not perform at Olympic levels, but you are confident enough to be relaxed and focus when you do these things. You enjoy doing them so much you can do them for long stretches - hours, not minutes.

Ronit and I are in flow when we help people feel better about themselves. We spend hours every day doing just that. When we finish a session with a client, rather than feeling worn out, we feel refreshed and energized, having spent our time in happiness.

To create more opportunities for flow, find out what you are good at and enjoy doing and choose it as your profession. This way, you can be happy more of your time. Similarly, choose to spend your time with people who make you feel good and share your interests. By setting goals to achieve desired outcomes in your life, you can also increase your focus and engagement (and possibly your pleasure).

Still, there are many things we need to do that we do not like, are not good at or both, so flow does not make us happy all the time.

Bottom line: flow makes us happy for longer and is related to our skills and preferences. With the right job, hobbies, goals and people, you can be engaged and happy more of your time, but still not always.

Purpose - Long Term Happiness

Is there anything that can help us accept boredom, discomfort and hardship in life with a graceful smile? Is there anything that can help us view what needs to be done as achievement?

Yes, there is, and the people who have found it are the happiest of them all. It is called "purpose" or "meaning".

No matter what gives meaning to your life, it simply makes everything you do worthwhile. If you find your meaning in raising your children, changing a diaper is an act of love. If your fulfillment comes from helping the homeless, anyone with ragged clothes and rotting teeth may be an opportunity to be kind. If your purpose is to improve the gender equality in our society, a heated public debate is a chance for you to deliver your message and make a difference.

Purpose put everything we do in life in a different perspective, so it makes us continually happy, no matter what happens.

Ronit and I believe that empowering parents is the key to changing the world and creating a society based on acceptance, respect and harmony. Everything we do in life and business either directly serves that purpose or sustains us so we can keep serving our purpose. Imagining our kids living in such a warm and friendly place makes us happy every day, no matter how many obstacles the universe throws at us. It is all worth it.

Find your "higher calling", the thing that gives significance to your life, that makes you and everything you do very very important. Write that down and post it over your bed and in your office. Spend your days making that dream a reality with everything you do, directly or indirectly, and be happy in life.

Bottom line: purpose makes us feel important and part of a great thing at the same time. It is always there to guide us and give us meaning and thus, it makes us happy.

May your days be filled with pleasures, may your time flow and may your purpose guide you to happiness

Gal

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
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• Purpose: To Be a Great Dad