Ask open questions

Whenever you meet your kids after school and work, show interest in their day. Do not confuse asking questions with interrogating - one comes from curiosity and the other one from a need to control. So pay attention to the tone of your voice and to your intention and ask to hear the child's answer. If you expect some "correct" answer, it is not quality time and your child will not trust you next time to answer your question. Instead, gently explore with your child his or her impressions, reasons and feelings.

Tip: when you ask a child "How was your day?" the answer is typically in the form of a rating, e.g. "Good". To avoid this dead end, rephrase the question as "Tell me about your day" or "What happened to you at school today?"

Have a splash in the bath

With young children, bath time is a great time to be together. When they are really young, you should not leave them on their own anyway, so you might as well enjoy it. Try to extend this time as long as possible to create good memories.

Even if your kids can shower on their own, you can bring a chair or a stool, sit next to them and ask them about their day and what they need to do the next day. This helps them think and sort out their thoughts and they will appreciate it.

If you are not sure about the right time to stop sitting next to them in the shower, ask them, "Would you like me to come and be with you in the shower?" Noff, our 10-year-old daughter, sometimes asks us to read her a book while she is in the bathtub, because she cannot get the book into the bathtub with her. This makes bath time a lot of fun and gives us a chance to monitor and influence her reading.

Bedtime

Bedtime is also a wonderful opportunity to spend quality time with your kids. Reading a story and talking about the story, or about the child's feelings and thoughts about the story, can help you get to know your child.

Remember, it is not a test, so do not ask questions about the plot or who told who what, but find out how your child interprets the story and what he or she feels about it. Also, even when you put your kids to bed on a regular basis, make sure it does not like a routine you just want to finish and leave. Ask your kids what they want to do and mix things up a bit.

We sometimes play hide and seek before bed, we tickle one another, jump on the beds and have pillow fights and crack stupid jokes.

Involve kids in daily tasks

Anything that needs to be done can be done with the kids. Use your time together to ask questions, listen and learn about your children. Make cooking, cleaning and laundry family activities, where each person contributes what they can, and use this time to practice your curiosity.

Remember that kids learn by example, so rather than teaching them the best way to fold a shirt when they are 2, let them experiment and feel good about being "helpful".

Do the things you do not like doing or your kids do not like doing together in a fun way and use this time to learn about each other and feel good with each other.

I hate folding the laundry and so do other members of my family (no wonder). We came up with a solution that on Sunday evenings, we all do the folding together. We use this time to sing, listen to music, tell each other stories and discuss our families, our childhoods, our adventures and even philosophy. It is a time well used and no one thinks about how much they hate folding while they focus on the discussion.

Cooking together is a great bonding time for children and parents. Even 2-year-old children can pour things into a pot, bring things from the cupboard, stir and set the table. It makes them proud of themselves and gives them a feeling of accomplishment (even when you do most of the job).

When they start reading, get them to read the recipes and even let them be the chef while you are the helper. We have teenagers and they cook with us, they cook with each other and they cook on their own.

Make sure you are not upset when your kids are in the kitchen. Kids can tell if you love having them around or not. My mum is a chef. She did not like us in the kitchen, so when we came, she told us to clean the dishes or do the things she hated doing (like cutting and peeling). When she finished, she used to leave the kitchen and leave us (usually, that was one of us who dared to ask to be with her while she cooked) to clear everything. We hated it. It was not quality time. It was punishment.

Do not try to cheat it, because your kids will know. If you use this time together to lecture, to show them you know better, to make them do what you hate doing, to control them and tell them how exactly to wash the dishes, it is not quality time and do not fool yourself by thinking it is.

Do things together as a family

Sometimes, relationships between parents and children are tense, but the presence of another person eases that tension. In that case, doing something as a family can help and increase the quality of the time together. When we travel together, we consider that quality family time.

Driving

Being in the car together is a great opportunity to have quality time with your children. Make sure you do not use your mobile phone while driving and do not allow your kids to plug anything into their ears. Use this time to ask and learn about your kids' timetables, friends, fears and dreams. You can also play music and sing along, challenge the kids to navigate, count all the yellow cars and play other "spying" games (like Kiss Buggy).

Go to the movies

Pick a movie you both (all) want to see and make sure you go an hour before to allow you to be together. Sitting next to each other in the cinema is not quality time. The quality time is when you have time to spend together before the movie and after, when you remember and discuss the movie.

We sometimes go to a movie only with Eden, which makes her feel grown up. You can do the same and dedicate an outing just to one child for some extra special attention.

Do projects together

Build something, fix something around the house, plant a vegetable garden, renovate, plan a trip somewhere or organize an event together. Projects are an excellent way to be together and use your time effectively at the same time.

In the month before our new kitchen arrived, we spent the weekends and some weekdays removing the old kitchen, fixing and painting. We did it together and it was a great bonding time for everyone.

Quality over quantity

Although more quality time is better than less, it is important to remember that you do not punch a clock. If you think you have to spend an hour of quality time a week, you are on the wrong track. It is not the time that counts but the quality of that time. This is mostly important in situations when you are not seeing your child every day, like when you are divorced, working long hours or travel away from home. You have to consider the quality of your time with your kids rather than the quantity.

If you want to know better, ask your child at the end of every time you spend together, "How did you enjoy this thing we did together from 1-10?" It will help you understand how meaningful it was for him or her.

If you are far away, you can still keep in touch by emails, SMS, Skype or phone (no one writes letters anymore). I have family members that live on the other side of the world and we can spend great times together watching my nephews or talking to my sisters about them and about us, while the bond gets stronger and stronger.

Quality time is time spent together in an enjoyable way that contributes to a bond between two people. It requires undivided attention, curiosity about the other person and some creativity. As a parent, you must develop the skills of using your time well to strengthen the bond between you and your children from the minute they are born.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Quality Time: The Gift of Your Presence
• Put a Little Love in Your Heart
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

Love, as you know, is the most important thing you can give your children. Although you may not have any doubts about your love for your children, they often do. If you want to understand their doubt, think of your own doubts about your parents' love for you.

Now, when I am a parent myself, I have no doubts about my parents love for me, but when I was a child, I had many doubts. It took me a long time to learn that what they called "love" was not my definition of love and I translated their behavior into "They don't love me".

In my parenting workshops and coaching sessions, many parents share the same feelings with me. There are things you discover about your parents' love for you only when you have your own kids and when you get the opportunity to learn about "love languages".

The great book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman describes 5 different ways to express and receive love:

• Words of affirmation
• Gifts
• Physical touch
• Acts of service
• Quality time

This post and the next one are about Quality Time.

Quality time is a very tricky concept for parents. In this day and age, the pressure on parents' time is so high that they feel their time with their children and family is shrinking, along with their quality time. I can say that I have less and less time with my children and I feel that traveling with them around the world is much more attractive to me than pushing for a weekend together.

For children whose preferred love language is quality time, being born into this world can be tough. When parents must work long hours just to fulfill the basic needs of their family and feel exhausted at the end of the day, time is very precious.

In my kids' coaching assessments, I find that many of the kids are short on quality time with one or two of their parents, which draws lots of energy from them. Sometimes, more quality time is the only prescription required to solve the child's difficulty.

Children who feel loved because their parents show them love in the way they need it are happier.

Quality time is meaningful for everyone

Quality time between children and parents is an expression of love and closeness. It is important to note that not every minutes spent together is quality time. For it to be considered "quality", it must be meaningful for both sides.

It is important to understand what quality time is not. If the time together is meaningful for one side and painful for the other, it is not quality. I think many parents confuse between doing things together and enjoying each other's company. If the activity is focused only on the child and the parent suffers every second of it, it is not quality. If the time spent together is focused only on the parent and the child suffers every second of it, it is not quality time either.

Many parents think their children are ungrateful when they are not delighted that their parents spend time with them and are blind to the fact the children hate that time together. Teaching children when they hate it is not quality time.

How to find ideas for quality time with your kids

As you might expect, this involves making a list and ... checking it twice:

1. Make a list of things you will be happy to do together
2. Ask your child to make a list of things to do together that will make him/her happy
3. Compare lists and find things you will both be happy to do together

It is important to make sure both sides enjoy the time together. If one of you dislikes an activity, drop it and move on.

Attention is important

Children will test your love by how much you are attuned to their needs and their life experiences. Unfortunately, we cannot expect the kids to be equal in this area, because the adult needs to set the tone and be the role model for how to pay attention. Over time, the kids will learn the skills of paying attention and will show you love that way too. However, quality-time kids are naturally more attentive than kids who "speak" a different love language.

If you come to your kids' special events, remember they have an exam or spend time with them when they need to practice a new dance, they will be very appreciative and feel loved. Do not have an attention competition and do not expect them to come to all your events or remember everything in your life. You are the adult!

Caring about your child and being a good listener is very important for a quality-time child. Again, spending time together with real curiosity can make children feel important and respected. It is important to remember that listening focuses on the child and sets an example, while talking mostly uses your time with your children to fulfill your own needs. You are not showing love, you are demanding love. This is a way to pollute your time together, so do not be surprised if your quality-time child avoids spending time with you.

Quality time cannot be cheated

If you are spending time with your kids and all you want is to be somewhere else, that is not quality time and your child can tell that you are not present with them. Quality time means they have your undivided attention and if they do not have it, they cannot settle for "half a daddy" or "half a mommy". It is better to spend time together, but when you are there, be there!

Time together must be enjoyable

I know many parents think that teaching their children is quality time, because they are giving their kids something of value. Most children, on the other hand, hate every second of it.

When you spend time with your kids doing something they hate doing, it may make it easier for them to do it, but it is not necessarily quality time. If they spend the whole time complaining, it is obviously not quality for them.

Use fun and enjoyment as an indication of the quality of the activity. It does not have to be 100% fun, but it needs to be more fun than not. If they need to clean their room and you offer to help, it is only quality time if your presence stops them from complaining and creates a happy atmosphere.

Join me next week for tips and ideas to enhance the quality time with your kids during bath time, bedtime and even while doing the cleaning.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Quality Time: How to Have Fun with Your Kids
• Put a Little Love in Your Heart
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

I have a friend who goes on a men's camp every year. When his boys were young, he went by himself and felt very supported there. As soon as his boys turned 13 and were allowed to go with him, away they went together and spent a great time bonding - singing, dancing, doing physical exercise and watching performances. He has been nagging me to come with him on that camp for a few years now, saying there is something special about the freedom and "safe space" it provides.

So far, I have not gone.

In the past few months, Ronit worked with several boys whose father had died or spent a lot of time away from home. Whenever we talked about them, I kept having the feeling that although they were young (5 to 8 years old), they felt like little men. I felt they saw themselves as somewhat responsible for the wellbeing of their family and had to fill the very large shoes of their absent father.

That was not enough either.

But this week, Ronit said to me, "You should write a bit about the role of fathers in particular. If I write it, it will be like a lecture, but if you write it, it will be real". And then, out of the blue, I got a newsletter from Fathering Adventures, letting me know they now offer adventures not only to fathers and sons, but also to dads and daughters.

So I thought, "OK, that's it. I'd better write something on this topic".

Now, I am not a stereotypical man. I am not competitive, I never pick a fight, I do not drink, I do not swear, I love to cook, I work at home and do many homey things, like driving the kids to school, helping with homework, reading bedtime stories and so on. The main manly quality I have is the need to protect my family all the time and everywhere.

But I used to work long hours away from home and provide the main income, I used to be short-tempered when I was home and I used to be completely out of touch with what my family was going through. Even on weekends, it would take me until late on Saturday to get work out of my head so I can relax and participate.

When Eden was little, I was a very dogmatic and clueless father. Ronit was great (she was a very natural mother), so she took care of Eden, thinking it would be OK, because Eden needed a female role model anyway. In fact, Eden needed my company. In the evenings, when I told her it was time to shower and go to bed, she would refuse and we would have a big struggle, which ended in her agreeing to have a (long) bath instead of a (short) shower and me sitting beside her and listening to her tell me about her day.

Later on, I learned that fathers provide a very important role model to their daughters - that of a potential partner. In fact, the best way to ensure your daughter chooses a decent fellow for a husband and a decent father for her children is to be a decent husband yourself and a decent father to your children.

One of Eden's favorite things was to walk hand-in-hand with me. She would hold my hand and look proud, which made me feel great. She is 23 now (her birthday is tomorrow) and still does that.

I thought that was a natural thing many fathers did, until I heard a story from a friend of ours who is a great father about his 16-year-old daughter. He said, "She and I were walking along the beach and she reached out and held my hand. I realized it made me uncomfortable. I was thinking about what others might think about me walking around with a beautiful young girl. I wondered about the psychological stage she was in and whether holding my hand meant something, um, you know. Then she looked up at me and said, 'Dad, I love walking hand-in-hand with you like we did when I was little. I hope we never stop'. It hit me that as far as she was concerned, I would always be her father, no matter how old she was or how old I was, and that I made her feel safe and loved by holding her hand".

Are you having a soft moment?

When Tsoof was about 3 years old, he discovered soccer. After that, he wanted to play soccer all the time. Between the ages of 3 and 5, a time of endless energy, as soon as I walked in the door in the evening, stressed and hungry, the only thing I could do was play soccer with him. Ronit and Eden took care of dinner and I took care of Tsoof.

This was what you might consider a typical father and son relationship, involving sport, but Tsoof also started playing hand drums at that tender age and being the musical parent (I am auditory and Ronit is not), I also played with him, took him to classes and supported his musical development.

Noff is a lot more like Ronit, but I stayed home with her for a few months when she was a year old and I get to spend the most time with her more than I ever did with her older siblings while working corporate jobs. She is the most independent of our children and that is something I encourage her to be. You can find several posts in this blog about how she inspires me.

I believe that one of the biggest challenges fathers have in modern Western society is that, being the main breadwinners, they engage with their kids at the worst possible times, when they are at their wits' end, just wanting to sit down and shut everything out for while. In this state, the last thing they want to do is care for someone else.

I believe that if you ask any father, he will tell you he wishes he could show his children who he really is. That notion of "who I really am" means that every father acknowledges the effect of his circumstances on his relationship with his kids and feels in his guts that under different circumstances, he could have a great time with his kids and get a lot closer to them.

One idea is to go away with your kids to a place where circumstances are vastly different from your everyday life, where you and your children will go through something meaningful and special and where you will be able to pay close attention to one another for a few days in a row.

The video below is a bit overly dramatic for my liking, but every word spoken in it is gold, especially in the testimonials. The adventure packages include accommodations, food, kayaking, hiking, snorkeling and group coaching. There are weekend and 5-day adventures and there are adventures for "father and son" or "dad and daughter".

[Disclaimer: we get nothing from showing you this, other than the satisfaction of doing something good. While I was watching the video, Ronit jumped up and said, "That's a great idea for <one of her clients> and his son", and then picked up the phone and called him].

If you decide to give Fathering Adventures a try, please come back here and post a comment to let everyone know how it was.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Manners

Of course, when we do many of these things and lots of other people do them too, the decline accelerates. I often think of my kids and the kind of place I would like them to have when they grow up and it makes me worry.

Fun with Ice

When we lived in Texas, there was a period of frost every year. That was bad for the lawn, roads were slippery during morning rush hours and there were always accidents because of the frost.

Yet, a friend of mine found a way to have fun with his kids during that time. Before going to bed on Friday night, he would water his driveway, which was short, straight and steep. When his boys woke up on Saturday morning, the driveway would be ready for some extreme sliding!

This went on for a while and nearly became a family tradition, except one day, my friend's mother-in-law came to visit on Saturday morning and slipped on the ice. She was thoroughly upset with my friend's carelessness and promptly sued him (and her daughter, who was married to him) for her medical expenses.

The following year, my friend's insurance raised his premium and he stopped wetting the driveway.

Insurance protects us from losing everything when we are already busy dealing with something bad, so it seems like a good idea. But insurance companies need to make money in order to insure us, so they recover their losses back from us. Along the way, they sometimes take away some of our happiness too.

No Running, No Jumping, No Playing

When Tsoof was 4 years old, his favorite activity was soccer, he loved to play drums and was a very energetic and talkative little boy. We wanted him to be with other kids, so we sent him to a nearby kindergarten that had great facilities and looked really nice.

Over time, we noticed our little boy was becoming sad and agitated, until he said he did not want to go to kindie anymore. When we ask him about it, he said, "They just want me to sit all the time. I can't run and I can't jump and I can't climb anything. And they want me to be quiet all the time. If I sing or shout because I'm happy, they say 'keep it down'. I heard something outside and I climbed the toy box to see what's happening and the teacher pulled me down", he said.

The next time we dropped him off, we went in with him and asked about all these restrictions. His teacher told us there had been some accidents and some children had gotten injured from climbing or bumping into each other while running, so their insurance company had told them they would not pay for these anymore and they should make sure the kids did not do anything dangerous.

"But this is what kids do", we said, "They run and climb and experiment. It's good for them".

"Sorry", said the teacher, "We can't afford to lose our cover".

Sitting Down until 8:30

A couple of years ago, Noff's school introduced a new rule: Until 8:30am, students within the school grounds may only be in the covered area near the cafeteria and they need to be sitting down. At 8:30, when the school opens officially, students may go anywhere (except they only had 15 minutes until their first lesson started).

This was a hard blow for many parents who had to go to work and needed to drop their kids off at school before 8:30. It was like a punishment for the kids, although they had done nothing wrong. It also chopped their social and fun time at school significantly, which is the main reason Ronit and I send our kids to school.

We wondered about this for a long time, until we were told recently that a girl had been hurt while playing at one of the school's playground before any teachers were on duty and her parents sued the school.

The school did the only thing it could to keep enough of its budget for education...

Glorious Jury

A few weeks ago, I received a summons to my first ever jury duty. Having never been inside a courtroom anywhere, I thought this would be a great experience, so I did not ask to be excused, even through 3 weeks away from work would not be easy. I also wanted to do my part as a citizen and help keep the justice system going.

So far, I have been in one trial that went on for three days, but I have had a lot of time to think about the effects of the jury system on our life.

When I told people I was going to be on jury duty, they looked at me like I was soft in the head or something. "You can ask to be excused, you know", they said, "It's easy. Just say you have a business and you can't get away".

That made me wonder who remains to serve as jurors in the system. These are most likely unemployed, senior citizens and people whose jobs pay them so little, the income from their jury duty is the same or higher than what they already make. Would you want to have that cross-section of society at your trial? Is this truly "a jury of peers"?

Then I got to the building where the courts are and went through the orientation. I found out that many (sometimes most) of the prospective jurors arrive in the morning, go through 1 or 2 jury selections and then go back home. By that time, their day is shot and they only get a small amount of money for their trouble.

The "lucky" ones are "empanelled" and serve as jurors for a few days. I was chosen during my first jury selection.

In the courtroom were a judge, a judge's associate, a bailiff, a prosecutor, an assistant prosecutor, a stenographer and at least two correctional services officers. These 8 people were paid by the state. On the defense side were two highly paid lawyers, making a total of 10 other people.

The jury more than doubles the number of people sitting through the entire trial! However little they get paid, every day of trial costs up to 12 days of lost productivity and taxes, as well as the juror payment, lunch and public transport. If that is not enough, it took several hours for the barristers and the judge to explain to us the matters of law relevant to the case, which made the trial longer.

Then came deliberation. In theory, the jury system is meant to protect ordinary citizens from unfair trials, but jurors are people with biases. They all have beliefs, values and needs that come into play when they decide on a verdict. As I sat in the room, I noticed racial comments, political comments, religious comments and many unfounded statements spoken with conviction. Although we all agreed in the end and worked things out quite well, would I want these people at my trial? Probably not.

Having a costly legal system puts it beyond the reach of most people, so having 12 jurors in court actually excludes many of their "peers" from getting a fair trial.

In our topsy turvy world, the things we do to protect ourselves come back to bite us when we do not stop to think them through and sometimes even when we do.

Have a productive day,
Gal

You may want to read

• Video Games Violence (3): Parenting
• Video Games Violence (2): Video-game-inspired real violence
• Video Games Violence (1): Shock and Awe

Computer games are not a dirty word if they support the development of the player. When a child plays a puzzle on the table, their cognitive skills are stretched as much as when they play a puzzle on the computer.

I remember preparing hundreds of pages that ask the kids to circle the "odd one out". Now, they can play many computer games that are way more colorful and varied that reuse the same "cards" for the children to choose from. I was limited by the number of stamps and my drawing ability and used lots of paper to allow each child to have enough pages to experience and learn. Now, any simple computer game can give the kids endless opportunities to find the odd one out, with great graphics, sounds and animation.

Some computer games are very effective at teaching kids cognitive skills. If you choose games that are not violent, no one needs to die and the player develops some skills or learns some strategy (not pure luck) then there is a good chance they will be effective as a teaching tool.

A research done on elders in East Carolina University's Psychophysiology Lab reported a sizable improvement in cognitive abilities among older adults who played casual games, like Bejeweled.

"The initial results of the study are very intriguing, in that they suggest that the 'active participation' required while playing a casual video game like Bejeweled provides an opportunity for mental exercise that more passive activities, like watching television, do not", said researcher Carmen Russoniello, "Future applications could include prescriptive applications using casual video games to potentially stave off Alzheimer’s disease and other dementia-type disorders".

The difference between what we used to do in the past and what happens now is that I knew the kids' level at any stage, because I needed to facilitate their learning, and now they move quickly and parents and teachers do not have to sit with kids while they are playing to monitor progress or time spent in front of the computer.

If you monitor the time your kids spend on the computer and make sure there is a good balance between machine interaction and human interaction and if you use the computer as a helper, not a substitute for your presence, you could realize the benefits of using computer games to sharpen your kids' minds and ... have fun yourself!

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Raising Grownups
• Poor Busy Kids
• State of the Union

Do you not feel sometimes that "growing up" also means losing something?

I do!

For a long time, I held the belief that being around kids would remind me that I needed to unlearn some things in life and go back to the source, to the original state of trusting life, unexplained, to laugh at silly things and possess a strong belief that "everything is going to be all right". Kids are great reminders of this state.

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul
- Samuel Ullman

Please do not get me wrong. There are frustrations, tears and problems for children, but most of them can be fixed with simple things like a kiss, a balloon or just a suggestion of a better option to choose. The younger they are, they easier it is to make kids happy. My two new nephews who live on the other side of the world and I see in photos, in videos and on Skype, remind me of this purity, this innocence and joy. Every time I talk to them, I find out how much they have learned from the previous week and realize that their mothers, my two younger sisters, probably learn lots more every day.

It is funny that for most of my childhood, I thought that as a kid, I needed to learn from the adults in my life. The older I get, the more I believe it is the other way around. Although we do not want to admit it, we learn a lot from our kids and the best lesson is how to be happy.

I think kids can teach us a great deal about happiness. Kids do not have more opportunities to be happy. They have a better definition of happiness.

I think the main problem grownups have is that their definition is very tough and contains too many "only", as in "I'll be happy only when I earn/get/have/feel/can/do <something>". Kids, on the other hand, have lots of "every time" and "every opportunity", as in "Every opportunity I have to laugh makes me happy" or "I'm happy every time I go on break".

I think kids, as young and inexperienced as they are, have a good understanding that "grownup" is the not the same as "mature". From their perspective, being a grownup means you have grown out of your childhood and they feel sorry for you. For them, being a grownup only says that more time has passed since you were born. Unfortunately for some grownups, it says nothing more.

Learning from kids' perspective

Kids look at another kid who is 3 years older than they are and think they are "older". When my daughter Eden was in high school and about 14 years old, she came home one day and said, "An old man came to talk to us today", and told us about the session with that man. Gal and I thought his stories and the session topic did not seem like they came out of an old man's mouth, so we asked her, "How old was this man?" She thought about it for a while and said, "About 32, I think". We were roughly 40 at the time and felt we were half way to the grave for her.

Eden was just being a kid, but she taught me a lesson in perspective (one of many lessons). It was that we all measure other people in comparison to ourselves. When I was 16 and one of my best friends' dad died, I felt sorry for him and said, "Well, he is about 40 years old, so at least he was old". Now, when I hear about a 40-year-old man dying, I say, "Oh, that's so sad, because he was young".

Kids can teach us many lessons if we are only willing to listen, stay open and understand, if we just change the perception that time is the only parameter needed for growth and that growing wiser is better than growing older.

Here are 20 things we can learn from kids (but I believe there are many more).

20 things we can learn from kids

We can learn to laugh from kids. It is very healthy to laugh. Some say it is a great medicine, I know so many adults who could use this medicine. Do some laughter therapy and you will see.

We can learn from kids to cry and forget everything three seconds later after getting a kiss.

1. We can learn from kids to miss school during school holiday. I know many people who can get sick just thinking of going back to work after a holiday. My mom used to say that after a holiday, she needs 3-4 days to rest, but kids area ready for action again.
2. We can learn from kids to get up at 6am on weekends to enjoy their day off and make the most of every second of it. I know many adults who use the weekend to sleep in (I do not have that pleasure, because we have something that starts early every weekend).
3. We can learn from kids to look in the mirror at messed up hair and clothes in weird colors and say "cool" to the reflection with a big satisfied grin. I have learned it from my kids, although I do not do it so well (yet).
4. We can learn from kids to draw for the fun of drawing without the need to please anyone or criticize every creation.
5. We can learn from kids to make everything into a game - to see life as a playground, the living room sofa as a jumping castle, the bathtub as an ocean and the dining table as the palace ceiling - oh, what a life we could have!
6. We can learn from kids to fight with a friend and forget the fight after half an hour. How many times do we fight with another adult, then forgive and forget? I think the divorce wars would end if kids had to handle it.
7. We can learn from kids to sit in the bathtub for an hour and enjoy the bubbles without thinking of all the things they need to do (or have not done) this week.
8. We can learn from kids to get into the freezing water of the pool or the sea and still have fun. Oh, I remember myself in the water, my lips blue and shaking from the cold and my dad says, "You are freezing", and me smiling, running back to the water and calling out, "No, I'm not". I wish I could do that now. I need a warm bath temperature to get myself into the pool very slowly.
9. We can learn from kids to enjoy sleep over with friends tremendously and not worry about what food there is to eat or how clean their room is. Hosting people is a chore for adults - it brings up performance anxiety and they wonder what the guests might say about then and their home, whereas kids just focus on the happy time they spend together.
10. We can learn from 2-year-olds to say, "Me, me, I can do it by myself" when doing something new and difficult and feeling very proud of ourselves for trying.
11. We can learn from kids that breaks and friends are the only reasons to go to school, which makes the learning a byproduct. Can you imagine every adult going to work thinking they are there for the breaks and the social interaction and work is just a side effect? Oh, that would be awesome!
12. We can learn from kids that when you lie, Mom and Dad can tell, so we should not try. Children discover very early on that Mom and Dad can "see their nose getting longer" even if they do not. Grownups still try lie and believe no one can see their nose getting longer.
13. We can learn from kids that breaking the rules does not kill you. If grownups thought that way, they would take many more risks and try many more things that seem scary at first.
14. We can learn from kids to want. Kids want everything. They walk around with a look of excitement on their face and they want everything. Grownups forget to want. During life coaching, they tell me, "Life isn't about what you want", and I have to keep telling them that life is only about what they want. You are entitled to want. How on Earth can you get anything if you do not want it?
15. We can learn from kids to live in the moment. I am not sure why kids can do it better than adults do. Maybe because they have not experienced enough frustration and failure and if this is the reason, oh, I wish so much to learn from them to live in the moment, to the max, without thinking about the past or about the future so much.
16. We can learn from kids to be curious. I find the curiosity of children fascinating. Most adults do not check new things because of curiosity. They will check things when they have a need for them. If they do not see an immediate need for something, they will not put too much effort into it. I can see the point in saving time and energy, yet I think that sometimes, curiosity brings us surprising results and opens our mind to unimaginable experiences.
17. We can learn from kids to tackle new things with courage. While most grownups perceive the new as a threat, kids will try more times. And on the topic of curiosity and courage, here is a true story for you. A very rich man in India put computers with touch screens in the wall around a slum. He wanted to know how people would respond to this flashy machine with lights that they had never seen in their life. Everyone, old and young, came closer and looked at it, but did not touch. Then, some kids came closer and touched the screen, trying different things until they figured out what they needed to do to get to some games that they had also never seen before in their life. Can you imagine how many new things "mature" people do not experience because of this fear of the unknown?
18. We can learn from kids to entertain ourselves. You see, the older we get, the more we become dependent on TV, computer, cinema and other people to keep us entertained. Kids, on the other hand, do not really need gadgets. They can have lots of fun playing with a blanket or a rag doll. It would be so much easier if we could settle for simple things to entertain ourselves. Moreover, we can learn from kids how entertain themselves cheaply. You see, kids can have lots of fun with one balloon and keep themselves happy with a pack of balloons that costs a dollar, while grownups spend a fortune on keeping themselves entertained. Grownups are expensive to maintain...

We destroy the love of learning in children, which is so strong when they are small, by encouraging and compelling them to work for petty and contemptible rewards, gold stars, or papers marked 100 and tacked to the wall, or A's on report cards, or honor rolls, or dean's lists, or Phi Beta Kappa keys, in short, for the ignoble satisfaction of feeling that they are better than someone else
- John Holt

Give yourself permission to learn from those who are smaller and younger, because their fresh perspective on things that grownups consider complicated can lighten up your stressful life.

I am sure you have some ideas of what else we can learn from kids. Please share them with everyone below.

Let's grow younger and happier,
Ronit

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Last month, our son Tsoof had his birthday party. Tsoof is 15 years old, but most of his friends are 16 or 17 and some of them have already started driving. When they come in the door, Tsoof's friends always say they have been waiting for the party since the last one, because they always have a great time dressing up, playing games, singing and dancing.

This year, when he gave his friends invitations to his party one girl asked him, "Will you have drinks at your party?"

Tsoof gave her a funny look and said, "No".

"Can I bring drinks to your party?" she kept asking.

Tsoof said, "No".

"Well, can I come drunk then?" she asked.

Tsoof said, "No".

When he talked to another friend of his, the friend said this girl had called him a couple of times when she was drunk, so she did not ask it as a joke. They giggled at the idea of letting her come drunk and embarrass herself, but were too kind to actually do it.

Kids' drinking at parties is a very sensitive topic in our family. Our 21-year-old daughter did not want to have a party for a while, because her friends only drank and did silly things. She was so upset that she refused to have a party at home for years. When I talked to other parents, I found out that in most of the parties, although the law prohibits this, the hosting parents provide the drinks for the party and they do not see anything wrong with it, saying, "We are here to supervise and make sure they drink responsibly".

Generally, Tsoof's friends were great kids. Most of them are very committed performing arts students and athletes who dedicate hours every week to developing their skills (and when I say "hours", I mean some of them practice and perform 8 hours a day on average). Most of them receive awards at school and they are really great kids.

Whenever I hear people talk about how horrible teens are, I say to myself, "Everyone who has had the chance to meet these kids personally would never ever say things like that about teens anymore, because they are living examples of the opposite - caring, respectful, dedicated, determined, focused, friendly, talented and smart".

Tsoof told us about the drinking question and it disturbed us. We wondered if we thought of them as great kids just because they were young and if when the got older they would lose this greatness and submit to social pressures.

Saturday night arrived and we set the living room up with palm leaves to make it suitable for Tsoof's Jamaican party. There were many balloons around and I wondered whether balloons were appropriate for a teen party.

At 6 o'clock, the teens started appearing one by one. It was wonderful to see that most of them were dressed with Jamaican outfits or hats. Tsoof told them to bring their swimming gear and we heated our spa, just in case they wanted to go in, and most of them did. A couple of the boys made a cardboard bobsled for Tsoof, labeled "Cool Runnings".

For about an hour, the kids played games, ate pizza and danced. From the kitchen, we could hear them singing at the top of their lungs (many of them are singers in the choir) and dancing.

One of the Tsoof's friends brought two teenage boys from another city he was hosting for a sports competition. Those kids did not know anyone and we went to talk to them about their visit. One of them came straight to us, shook our hand and introduced himself with inspiring confidence. The other one told us he would stick to eating fruits and vegetables (and avoid all the snacks and candy), because he had a competition the following day, and Gal and I were very impressed with his discipline.

About an hour later, the party moved outside around the spa. The teens took turns and had about 10 people in the water, talking excitedly, laughing and giggling. The rest were on the balcony, playing guitar and singing.

About an hour later, some girls came out of the spa shivering, so I thought maybe I could offer them something hot to drink. "Maybe coffee", I thought to myself, "No, they're kids. I'm not sure they drink coffee. Tea? Yes, tea is not a bad idea, but hot chocolate will be best".

So I asked them, "Would you like some hot chocolate?"

The two girls who got dressed and were a bit cold (naturally, after you get out of a hot spa, it is colder outside) were very excited. They said, "Yes, Please!" and asked if there was anything they could do to help.

In a few minutes, I made about 12 cups of hot chocolate and gave them to the teens that came out of the spa. I thought the boys might consider hot chocolate too childish or girly, but they just thanked me, drank the warmth and sweetness and returned the empty cups with a smile, licking their lips.

For another hour, they went back to dancing and singing and played some hilariously funny games. At 10pm, they started leaving. Some of them gave Gal and me a hug and by 11pm, the last one was picked up.

Now, I can say that at my son's party, there certainly was teen drinking. We had a group of 16-year-olds drinking hot chocolate!

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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"Scissors?" she asked me, really surprised, "You keep scissors in the kitchen?"

Since many bags and packages have a little drawing of scissors on them, I assumed the best tool to use was scissors. I thought everyone had a pair in the kitchen too, but I guess not.

"What do you do when you need to open a sealed bag or cut the corner of a milk carton?" I asked her.

"I use a knife", she said to me with that "Isn't that obvious?" look, "And sometimes with my teeth…"

The first time I saw scissors in the kitchen as an essential tool was at Gal's mum's kitchen. She was a very practical woman and I admired her and decided to do the same. In our house, there are always scissors in the cutlery drawer. Everything I need to open, I cut with scissors. It is easily available and for a long time, I thought scissors were for opening things.

During the past month, my kids decided to experiment with the scissors. This is wonderful with kids - they see you using something one way for a long time and still experiment and find different uses for it. At least my kids are not afraid to try different things. When I worked for 4 years in the Creative Thinking project, we showed the kids various things and asked them to find as many ways to use them as they could. Anyway, at home, I did not ask the kids to look for different things to do with scissors, it just happened and I think they liked the idea so much they became creative with the use of scissors in the kitchen.

It started when Eden fried some meat for a salad. When it came out of the pan, she took the scissors and cut the meat to tiny pieces. The pieces came out equal in size and everyone was impressed.

Two days later, I asked Noff to bring me some spring onion from the garden and wanted to put it in the salad. She went to the drawer, took out the scissors, picked the onions, washed them and chopped them with scissors into the salad. I think she had so much fun she put more spring onion than she would have if she had cut it with a knife (spring onion is not one of her favorite foods).

One day, Noff's friend came over and they made a cheese twisties (puff pastry filled with cheese and spices, twisted and baked to perfection). They were having lots of fun preparing the sheets of pastry and then Tsoof brought some scissors and they cut the sheets with scissors. Did you know that cutting puff pastry with scissors is very easy? It is. Any kid can do it.

Using scissors in the kitchen is a great tool for young children that need to develop their fine motor skills. You see, instead of always cutting paper, they can cut other things and it is especially fun to cut food.

You can use scissors for:

1. Cutting dough to equal portions
2. Opening food packages
3. Cutting toasted bread as croutons for a salad
4. Cutting small cubes of cheese for a salad or for the kids' lunch
5. Slicing pizza
6. Cutting lettuce for a salad
7. Cutting dough to fit your pan
8. Chopping spring onions
9. Cutting celery for a Waldorf Salad - comes out even and beautiful
10. Clipping the edges off beans - safer and much more fun than using a knife
11. Slicing meat to small pieces - no need to clean a cutting board later
12. Making interesting puff pastry or cookie dough shapes
13. Trimming the fat off meat
14. Chopping sundried tomatoes or pickles to small chunks for a salad
15. Cutting fresh lemon grass for tea

I know there are some special scissors for the kitchen, but I use simple scissors - no brand name, the same ones I use to cut paper. They work great and if when they get dirty, I put them in the dishwasher.

Do you have scissors in the kitchen?

Ronit

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Although I like the thought that I work magic in my programs, I truly believe this magic can be done by everyone who understands the importance of having fun in the learning process and focusing their energy in a positive direction.

The woman told me her son was "hyperactive". During my 24 years in education, I had met very few truly hyperactive kids. Most of the kids diagnosed as hyperactive are kinesthetic - they like to move a lot. In fact, they have to move in order to think and they perform better through action, except others around them cannot stand it and decide something must be wrong with them. As for the kids whose agitated behavior I could not explain, I was convinced it was due to something I had not discovered (yet).

So I asked her, "Why do you think he is hyperactive?"

"He cannot rest for a second", she said, "He moves from one activity to another and can't sit still. It drives me nuts. His attention span is 30 seconds tops".

"What does he like to do?" I asked her.

"He loves playing with toy trucks", she said.

"When he plays with his trucks, how long can he sit and play for?" I asked.

"I don't know. If I let him, he'll sit there for half an hour, making make noises of trucks and pretending the carpet was a construction site or a warehouse", she told me.

You see, a truly hyperactive kid could not do anything for half an hour.

So I shared my first magic formula with her:

When kids have fun and love what they do, they perform better.

Then, the mother told me her son also had eating problems. She said, "He doesn't like vegetables. He only likes junk food".

So I told her how easy it was for me to get a group of 2-year-olds at my early childhood center eat fruits and vegetables after we made a game out of it. The idea came from one of the moms in a parenting workshop who suggested that every day, one mom would make food for all the kids in the group. Since there were 20 kids in each group, parents figured that making an effort one day a month was a bargain compared to making food every day for one child.

"Instead of having bread with the usual chocolate spread or jam, we can bring real food", they started getting excited.

Since I was a very health-conscious parent, I suggested that every parent bring 4-5kg of fruit each day and 2-3kg of vegetables (tomatoes, cucumbers, capsicum, carrots, etc).

At first, the parents looked at me surprised. Many of them said, "My kid never eats fruits and vegetables".

I told them, "With my 'magic tricks', I can make them eat anything I want".

I started a competition among the kids and gave awards to anyone who asked for "seconds". After 3-4 days, the award was just a compliment - "congratulations" or "well done" for asking for seconds and a great public announcement when someone asked for a third helping.

I also added a game called "Empty Plate", which was more of a group challenge. I put pieces fruits or vegetables with a bit of salt on a plate and left it on the table. I told the kids I was going to take the plate away in one hour. If the plate was empty, they would win, but if it was not empty, I would win. Sure enough, they won every time.

About two weeks later, parents came happy to say their kids ask them to buy more fruits and vegetables "Just like at Ronit's kindy".

It is very easy. When eating is fun, kids eat well.

We do not stop playing because we grow old
We grow old because we stop playing

Fun is a very important component in life's success and learning and works as a wonderful incentive.

I managed to teach kids abstract concepts of physics in 1^st Grade, reading at the age of 3 and high school math during primary school, because everything was a game. As long as the kids were studying with me, they played games. They never realized they were learning. Everything was fun, there was no resistance and their brains were so open to absorb new information that learning happened without interference.

The only interference usually comes from parents' resistance to the fun. In one of my primary classes, parents came and said, "When I ask my daughter what you do in class, she says you only play games. I want her to learn something at school". Since then, I made a point to meet the parents and explain the program to them before I taught their kids. Parents who do not value the fun in learning can easily ruin my magical incentive.

Mary Poppins taught me the importance of having fun in our life and she made it look easy, not because she was magical, but because she knew something valuable about the human brain: people do better when they enjoy what they do.

It is that simple!

If you want to improve your kids' performance at something - music, math, reading, writing, art - find a way to make it fun.

Here are a couple of really nice videos of how fun works as an incentive even for grownups. I think you will like them.

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Until next time, have fun!
Ronit

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This list-making post is for the travelers among us. It is for those who love traveling and the thought of going out of their comfort zone to a new destination excites them.

This post is also for those who have never traveled (much), but wish they did (more).

It may even be for those who have had no desire to travel until now…

I can write about traveling because I am a world traveler and love every second of it.

But I was not a traveler all my life. I have vague memories of a trip my family took with my uncle's family when I was 10 years old. There were 3 or 4 more trips I remember, but no more.

My first overseas trip was at the age of 16. I was chosen to be one of the first youth delegates going from Israel to Egypt after the peace treaty had been signed. Although it was an official trip with lots of politics and official ceremonies, I cannot forget the amazing trip to Karnak Temple in Luxor - the highlight of my trip. Until then, I had never flown in a plane and although the flight itself was not very exciting for me, I think it was then I got the "traveling bug". On the trip to Egypt, I realized there is a wonderful, beautiful world out there we cannot experience while doing our daily things, going to work, coming back home and looking forward for the weekend.

Traveling was not at the top of my list for another 10 years until we moved to Texas. Over there, I had an opportunity to travel a lot. With another couple who lived in our complex and had a kid close to Eden's age, we traveled to some very exciting places in the USA for 2½ years. We traveled to Zion Park, Bryce Canyon, the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Disneyland, Houston, Sedona and more. We even had an opportunity to travel to the Bahamas and to Cancun in Mexico before we moved to Thailand for an even bigger adventure with lots more traveling.

When someone asks me about the most wonderful moments in my life, my traveling times always come up first. We were lucky enough to travel with kids between the ages of 1 and 20 years old and had the opportunity to travel for long periods that were very meaningful.

If you love traveling, it probably appears on many of your lists - your happy list, the 100 things you want to do in your lifetime, your list of expectations, your mistakes (places your could go to but did not), events that have shaped your life and your memories list.

What you think and believe about traveling determines your traveling experience. I can give you an example. A couple we know who love traveling very much (they traveled for 10 years before having kids) has a belief that traveling with their kids is impossible, so every time they talk about their desire to travel, they give it up because of that belief. Their youngest son is 12 years old already, yet they have put their travel desires on hold for 20 years while their kids are still around. Gal and I, on the other hand, have traveled extensively with our kids and all of us loved every minute.

Another example of how our beliefs about traveling determine the traveling experience is my sister's trip with a friend to New Zealand. Her friend thought traveling meant living in (fancy) hotels and driving around in rental cars. They travelled together like that for 10 days. During that time, my sister's friend's day was ruined by every little discomfort, like a broken fingernail.

When her friend left, my sister told me she believed living in backpacker lodges and riding busses can be more fun and adventurous. So as soon as she returned the rental car and took a bus to the first backpacker lodge, her trip changed from sterile viewing-through-the-window to being full of excitement and wonderful new people.

When you make your list about traveling, you can find out what kind of travels you want to do in life and can find a correlation between them and your actual travels, for example: if you believe it will be hard for you to be away from your bed (or pillow), your travels may be shorter (day trips). However, feeling good about sleeping away from home will allow you to experience a lot more traveling.

How to list your beliefs about traveling

Here is a list of questions you can ask yourself to dig out your travel-related beliefs, motivation and preferences:

1. What kind of traveling do you like?
2. Who do you prefer to travel with (family, friends, kids, colleagues)?
3. What scenery do you love most (beach, city, mountains, country)?
4. What is the best duration for a trip?
5. What are the best times to travel?
6. At what age would you take kids with you and why?
7. What kinds of trips would you take kids on?
8. What do you think about traveling to see family?
9. What do you think about traveling during the holidays?
10. What do you think about traveling on your own?
11. What hobbies do you have that traveling supports (sport, art, history)?
12. What kinds of accommodation do you prefer?
13. What do you think about camping?
14. What season is the best for traveling?
15. What do you think about taking kids out of school for the purpose of traveling?
16. Would you prefer to take many small trips or one big one?
17. What do you think about working the whole year and keeping all your vacation days for one big trip?
18. What do you think about romantic time away from home?
19. What places in the world you would like to see?
20. How do you get ideas for travel?
21. Do you think it is better to travel when you are younger or older?
22. On your holidays/vacations, do you prefer to travel or stay home and relax?
23. What do you think about work and travel?
24. If you could travel anywhere in the world without limitation of time and money, where would that be and for how long?
25. What places you have visited in the past would you like to visit again and why?
26. Do you like organized travel or going on your own and why?
27. What do you do when you do not have the language to communicate at your destination?
28. How do you learn about a new place you want to visit?
29. What are the 10 things you must do before you go on a trip for a month (we had to arrange for our neighbor to take the garbage out and collect our mail)?
30. Would you take a camera, a camcorder or just enjoy the trip?
31. Do you ever look at your photos or watch your videos later?
32. Do you write a journal on your trip?
33. How long does it take you to fully relax when you are on a trip (if at all)?
34. How many clothes do you take with you when you travel for 3 days, a week, two weeks or one month?
35. How do your family rules change when you travel?

I think this list will give you a clear indication of what kind of a traveler you are. I have a very clear answer to each of the questions above, because I have traveled lots and (I believe) I know exactly what works best for me.

The world is a wonderful place, waiting for you to explore it. Enjoy traveling!

Come again next week to make the list "Rules I follow" or subscribe via RSS or email.

Happy travels,
Ronit

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