Usually, we call others "difficult" when we find them hard to deal with. Although we find it hard to deal with them, this does not make them difficult people. Sometimes, the combination between people highlights their difficulty, so to make sure that the difficulty is not just a conflict between the two of you but something general, check that this behavior is a pattern that appears in this person's communication with others as well.

If more than three people think they have a dysfunctional relationship with this person, and for the same reasons, it is usually a sign that the problem is with the difficult person and not with the combination of both of you. If others share mixed impressions of that person, we should take a closer look at our particular interactions with him or her.

For us to consider someone as difficult, we also need to make sure that the behavior is not temporary but consistent. We all have times when we show off, we all joke sometimes and even say something sarcastic, but it does not make us difficult. Usually, it needs to happen consistently over a period to be considered a problem. If someone is suddenly difficult, he or she is not a difficult person - they are just experiencing a temporary challenge they cannot handle. In that situation, maybe there is something we can do to help them.

Here are types that can be mistaken for being difficult and we need to be careful before considering them difficult.

1. Exhibitionists - We would not call popular people "difficult" just because they are popular. Real exhibitionists are not popular, which is why they try to become popular in ways that make others like them even less.
2. Experts - It is important not to confuse between smart and knowledgeable people that are generous with their expertise and those who push their expertise even when they are not asked for it.
3. Jokers - Funny people are not necessary difficult. Some funny people know when it is time to laugh and when it is time to be serious. Dysfunctional jokers use their humor to avoid emotionally challenging situations and keep cracking jokes even at very inappropriate times.
4. Dinosaurs - Not every old-fashioned person who keeps tradition and does things the old way is a difficult person. There is much to learn from elders and they can be kind and wonderful mentors if they practice some flexibility and generally avoid judgment. I have had a chance to meet some elders in my leadership programs and thought they were graceful and open-minded. Young people can be dinosaurs too if they stick to what they know and defend it while keeping their mind closed to new ideas.
5. Show offs - It is important to distinguish between people who are proud of themselves and show offs. While proud people tell about their successes and achievements when the conversation is around the topic of their success, show offs do it constantly and not necessary in relation to the topic of conversation.
6. Shy - It is very natural for people to be reserved a bit in new company, so do not judge them in situations where they are totally new and with lots of new people. Not everyone can approach strangers, extend their hand and say, "Hi, I'm Yvonne", but there is nothing wrong with them. This is only a problem when it starts affecting their daily life.
7. Astronauts and loners - We all want to be alone sometimes. We all want to let go sometimes and do nothing at all, but it does not make us difficult. It makes us human. It becomes a difficulty when this desire takes over our life and disturbs our relationships with others.
8. Competitive - Some competition is healthy and can be a motivator for some people. It becomes a difficulty when we feel we must win and are devastated when we come in second. It becomes a problem when we win and forget that losing person has feelings too and view people as "winners" or "losers".
9. Gossips - Be careful not to consider every talk about others a bad thing. If you talk about others when they are not around, but you say good things about them, this also does not make you a difficult person. It makes you wise and kind.
10. Two faced or Vague - Some people do not explain themselves properly because of language and/or culture differences. People who speak another language have unusual vocabulary and accent that might make what they say seem unclear or vague. It makes it difficult to understand them, but does not make them difficult people.
11. The "special one" - We all have a desire to be unique. This is natural and common. We become difficult when we stick out in a bad way or when the desire to be unique overrides the desire to be in good relationships with the people around us.
12. Approval seekers - We all want the people who love us to approve of our behavior and reassure us that we are loved and appreciated. It becomes difficult when we demand this approval and when we increase it from an occasional desire to a strong need.

Join me next week to find out why difficult people become difficult. In the meantime, I would love to read about your discoveries of difficult people around you.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, "Am I difficult that way?" and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Show offs

These are people that constantly tell you about their achievements and successes, their wisdom and their abilities. When you are next to them, they tell you the same victory stories over and over again, as if they are trying to convince you they are great.

Being around a show off increase our feeling of inadequacy. I had a friend that told everyone about how much she spent on every item she bought and how expensive it was, saying, "I bought this dress for $700. Wow, it was so expensive". At first, I was happy for her, but after a while, I could not stop thinking I could buy more than 7 dresses for the same price. I think I was exhausted, because it was hard for me to manage my feelings of jealousy.

Non-stick or Teflon-coated

Nothing seems to stick to these. They seem like they do not have an attachment to anyone or any particular agenda. You cannot fight with them, but you cannot get close to them either. They always keep their distance and only the few people closest to them know who they really are.

From the outside, they seem like they are everyone's friends, yet no one really knows them. They seem like they do not have problems, desires or heartaches and this seems unreal. It is very hard to connect with a "Teflon-coated" person.

Shy

These people are afraid to express themselves and prefer to observe others rather than participate. They do not function well when they meet new people. Usually, those who are close to them manage them well, because they only tend to be shy around new people. So shy people are only a problem in a new setting, when you need them to step up and express themselves.

Astronauts and Loners

These people behave like they prefer to be in space, dreaming and are not aware of what happens around them. They do not remember what you ask them, they do not pay attention to things and, much like shy people, prefer not to engage with others but to be on their own. It is problematic when they are kids and they need to pay attention or when they are in a relationship and their partner feels rejected because of their desire to be on their own.

Competitive

These people think that every conversation, communication and social interaction is an opportunity to win. They always try to do things faster or better than others do and they do not cooperate, even when that hurts their relationships.

Another form of competition is being sneaky and always setting traps for others in a subtle way that is hard to recognize. Being around a competitive person does not allow you to be yourself or be natural in your reactions and that is very tiring, so people try to avoid being around people who are competitive.

Troublemakers

These people cause problems to others or get themselves in trouble constantly. They are in trouble at school, with friends, with teachers and with various authorities. They are not aware of the toll their actions puts on others. They get into trouble with authority and keep escalating it. Around them, you always feel you need to fix the damage they have done, so most people try to avoid troublemakers and are very concerned and upset when they must associate with them.

Gossips

These people talk about others behind their back. They use information as a weapon against others. They usually use it in a bad way and talk badly about others when they are not present. Gossips create disharmony and conflict where it would not be otherwise. They like adding information they hold to stir up a gathering and bring others into the "who knows the most" game. They will tell people what others have said about them and they will add some of their own stories to make things "juicier". People do not like hanging around gossips, because they know that if they gossip about one person today, tomorrow they may gossip about them too.

Two-faced or Vague

You never know what these people think. They are unclear about what they think or feel and keep their options open to shift their position due to pressure. When you talk to them one day, they say one thing, and when you talk to them another day, they say something totally different, so you constantly feel confused around them. People feel uncomfortable around two-faced or vague people. When you finish a conversation with them, you are not sure you know what they have said or where they stand, which makes it impossible to rely on them.

The "special one"

These people will do anything to be different and special, even if it means doing it in a bad way. They will show off, talk badly about others or put others down in order to stick out. The special ones cannot build rapport with others. Since rapport means finding some common ground to connect with other people, the special ones consider this a threat to their uniqueness. When you hang around a "special one" for a long time, you feel you have nothing in common. People often stop talking about themselves around "special ones" to stop their self-centered talk, but it does not help them.

Approval seekers

These people are a mixture of many difficulties. They totally depend on others and need others to affirm all of their actions, thoughts and even feelings. They constantly ask you to tell them they are loved, kind, smart, talented or capable. They use others to encourage them and support them.

In extreme cases, they test the boundaries of their relationships by being rude or aggressive and asking you to tell them they are still loved. They will do something selfish and ask you to tell them they are kind.

The main difficulty with seeking approval is that it is addictive. The person seeking approval is never satisfied and only wants more and more of it. Usually, being the person they seek approval from is very heavy and demanding. They usually seek approval from someone who cares for them and loves them and their demands make it harder to care for them and love them.

Approval seekers are very needy. Around them, you have to be strong and encouraging at all times, to put aside your own life and if you do not approve of something, they increase the demand for it. It is very difficult to be strong and encouraging all the time, put your own needs aside for too long and be approving of everything they do, so people give up on them with resentment.

Join me next time to explain what difficult people are not.

Have a great day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

There are many types of difficult people. Some of them are similar and all of them try to overcome some kind of fear or use their behavior as a mechanism to fulfill a need.

The first step in managing difficult people is to recognize the type of difficulty, whether it is within yourself or others.

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, "Am I difficult that way?" and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Types of difficult people (1-10)

Exhibitionists

People that do things to be seen by others and to be in the spotlight. Their desire to be front and center and receive recognition may cause others to feel embarrassed and try to avoid their company.

Experts

People who like to be perceived as knowledgeable in a specific area. Whenever there is a discussion about the topic of their expertise, they expect others to consult with them only and if others dare to ask someone else, the expert feels insulted. People do not like being around experts, because they push their expertise rather than being kind about it.

Jokers

People who make jokes all the time. They are never serious, even when it is required or commonly expected. They think everything is funny and when you tell them things that are dear to you and they make fun of it too, you tend to avoid telling them important things. It is hard to get support from a joker and people worry that they will be mocked when they reveal their inner fears and thoughts, so they just do not expect a joker to help them.

An extreme version of a joker is the sarcastic person, who is a critic in disguise. He is constantly judging others, but hides his judgment in the form of a funny statement. Sarcasm is a form of violence and people do all they can to avoid being bullied by a sarcastic person.

Hijackers

People who are very self-centered. They are convinced the world revolves around them and they take every opportunity to say what they think and to divert conversations to suit their purpose. They do not know how to give a credit to others and take over every meeting or discussion. If you ask them a question, you risk them taking hours to reply and leaving no space for others to participate.

Hijackers do not respect other people's agenda and do not understand the concept of "the right time" to do or say things. Their timing is awkward and to others, it seems like hijackers cannot read social cues and do not have social skills.

Party Poopers

Negative people. They see faults everywhere, they complain a lot and instead of focusing on what works, what is good or what they can be grateful for, they talk about the bad things so much, it is hard to see the light around them. Party poopers are hard work and major energy consumers, so people try to avoid being around them so they can have some fun in life.

Devil's advocates

People that always position themselves as the opposite of what others say. They do not say it because this is what they believe in. They say it because they like they see it as a game. It is very exhausting to be around such a person, because you constantly need to prove your point and justify your thoughts, while in constant argument and conflict. A devil's advocate uses various methods to play this "game", including making the other person look bad, dishonest and insecure, putting them down, being sarcastic and being insensitive to other's need.

Puppies

Those who agree with everything and always get into trouble when there is a disagreement between parties and they have to choose sides or be honest about what they think or believe. Around puppies, you never know where you stand. When they agree with you, you never know if their agreement is genuine or not. They are subject to pressure and when you communicate with them, you always need to consider who is putting more pressure on them. If you let go, the pressure they have on them does not disappear.

Dinosaurs

People with an old and conservative mindset. They talk about the past with longing. They try to live in the past and put a lot of effort into trying to convince others that what happened in the past was better. It is hard to talk around them about new ideas, about progress and about moving forward.

Hostile

People who are in a state of war at all times. They are very defensive. They suspect everyone around them for trying to harm them, so they constantly have their shields up and attack. Everything around them seems like a threat and they try to defend themselves by being hostile and sending messages of "Don't mess up with me". Around hostile people, you are constantly careful not to say the wrong word, as if you are walking on eggshells.

Nitpickers

Being around these people feels like being pricked by needles. They follow rules religiously and are very busy with every little mistake others make. They correct other's spelling and speech and they use long explanations and long analyses that exhaust others. They use their ability to pay attention to details to gain advantage in their communication, but they usually miss the real point by paying attention to what is not important in the conversation. With nitpickers, you never wins and people do not like losing constantly, so they quickly give up on them.

Join me next time for 10 more types of difficult people.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

I was a difficult child for my parents and they gave up on me. My teachers gave up on me and even my friends gave up on me. I needed lots of courage to go through self-reflection and recognize I was not an easy child, not an easy student and not an easy friend. Lucky me, I was only 16 years old when I realized that difficult people are very lonely, they are in lots of pain and no one around helps them, because they cannot take the risk of associating with them.

Difficult people do not have many friends because they are hard work. They usually stick to the group of people that have no choice but suffer their presence, like family, old friends and work colleagues. These people tolerate their presence, but start to resent them if they have to be with them for a long time. They will never initiate an interaction outside what they have to.

Every difficult adult was once a difficult child

At least, they had some difficulties that have made them develop those "difficulties" as a defense mechanism. Difficult children usually say, "No one wants to be my friend". Grownups change it to, "I don't need (many) friends", or, "They're stupid, anyway", because their social difficulty is already part of their identity and they cannot see themselves without it. If someone told them they were difficult, they truly would not understand what it made them say it. They do not recognize their difficulty as a problem, usually because it is not a problem for them but for others.

I believe that difficult people struggle to recognize and manage their own feelings. Much like a person with a learning difficulty, difficult people have an emotional or social disability. It is a cycle. Their challenges make them difficult, so others avoid their company, which makes their disability even worse. Their need for company and external sources makes them more difficult, so they get less help and support. It never ends.

It gets complicated in some situations, such as when there is more than one difficulty, when there is a clash between two difficult people and when the difficulties increase in frequency or intensity.

When I studied special education, one of my very inspiring teachers showed us that we all have some difficulties, although not all of them were "learning difficulties", because they did not apply in a school setting (like fear of heights). Nevertheless, they limited out abilities and made us struggle sometimes. I suspect that in some way, we all have emotional difficulties and maybe more than one, although I think many of them are connected. Grouping our challenges can help us greatly in finding solutions. Often, finding a solution to one problem helps us solve others.

When we are difficult and we communicate with difficult people, the conflict increases and the tendency to behave in a difficult way increases. Again, no one is difficult to annoy others, they are trying to achieve something for themselves and, they just do it in a way that is not useful or beneficial to the interaction, because they do not know any other way. In these situations, it is important to understand that throwing the responsibility on the other person is not a solution and only makes it worse, no matter who the "difficult" person is.

How to deal with social difficulties

There are some ways for difficult people to improve and learn to manage their emotions.

1. They can see someone that will help them manage their emotions, an "emotional tutor". This usually requires them to recognize they have a problem and pay a professional who is a total stranger (at first) that will not give up on them due to exhaustion. Professionals charge for their service, so this method can be expensive.
2. They can get help from someone who loves them dearly, who is dedicated and willing to stick with them until they learn to manage their emotions. This is not an easy request when we are talking about a partner or a friend and works much better in a parent-child relationship. A parent will stick with a difficult child the more than any other person.
3. They can get a mentor that will help overcome the challenges of communication and of relating to others. Again, like going to a professional, the person must first recognize that they have a problem and that other people stay away from them not because the other people have a problem but because he or she is making it hard to associate with them. Usually, the mentor is someone they admire and appreciate and they will follow their instructions more readily. It is not easy to find a mentor who will to give their time freely, but sometimes, a distant family member, a family friend, a teacher or a community leader can do it with grace and kindness.
4. They can immerse themselves in personal development, meditate, think, reflect, read and do the hard work on their own. This requires lots of determination and ability to be honest with yourself. I believe this is the longest and hardest method, but it is the best one, because every realization in this method is strong and can give the "difficult" person power to control his or her own life.

This series is for everyone who thinks he or she may be considered "difficult" by others, as well as for those who must be around "difficult" people and look for ways to manage their relationship (usually, those who do not have to be will not bother). Teachers will benefit from this series, because they deal with difficult children every day. Parents will benefit from this series, because they have the strongest incentive to help their own children (remember, kids do not become difficult for the fun of it - they develop this behavior as a way to manage their emotions and if you do not help them change this pattern as the only person in the world who will stand by them for a long time, they might grow up to be difficult and miserable grownups).

So first, I want to recommend you do some self-reflection. If you find some of your difficulties below, seek help, as that will change your life forever. Even if you are convinced you are an easy person to deal with and the problem is with other people, working on yourself, on your emotional intelligence and your confidence, will help you help others.

In the coming weeks, I will talk about what difficult people are not, the types of difficult people, why people give up on them, what makes them difficult and how to manage your own difficulties and those of the difficult people around you.

Easy times,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever
- Francois Mocuriac

People are social creatures. They live in groups, they need the groups and they rely on the groups to survive. This creates some dependency that no one likes. Yes, some people need friends more than others do, but living on our own, not seeing or being in contact with the outside world, would bring an end to human kind.

Friends and friendships are very important to all people, even to those who find it hard to admit, and what social skills we do not have naturally, we can develop.

In the past year, I have had many opportunities to talk and write about my successes. When I examined each of them, I realized that being a very social creature, loving people, understanding the way they function and using my good social skills were real assets to me.

Social skills - Nature or Nurture?

I have not always been a very friendly person. Not that I did not like company, but until the age of 16, I did not really understand the social rules I needed to live by. I had no friends, I got into frequent conflicts with the ones I did hang around with and I was lonely and miserable. My parents had no friends either, so I could not learn from them the right things to say and do around other people.

Then, I stopped reacting without thinking about the impact it has on my relationships and I learned that friendly people are happy people and that social skills can be learned.

Friend - a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection and loyalty
- Collins English Dictionary

I only had a chance to read "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie when I was 40 years old. It was not an easy read, but reading it triggered a mixture of happiness and sadness in me. Happiness that I had discovered all the things Dale Carnegie wrote in the book and sadness that circumstances had not brought this book into my life long before to save me the heartache and pain of discovering things the hard way.

I am sure there are many people who wonder, like I did, how life would have been if they knew the rules of social interaction. The more I think about it, the more I believe that it is parents' responsibility to teach their kids those skills. You cannot expect a disturbed 10-year-old or 14-year-old girl to go to the library, pick up Dale Carnegie's book and have the ability to implement it. I know many adults (too many, unfortunately) who read the book, or similar books, but that was not enough to teach them how to be friendly.

I have many clients that do not have a clue how to be friendly. They are lonely and prevent their families from being in social gatherings, because social interaction is a threat to them. Usually, they are unhappy and contribute greatly to the unhappiness of their entire family. When I talk to them about other people, they have strange interpretations for the way others behave. As social creatures, we learn to read behavior and people who are not friendly just cannot read others well enough. It is a cycle and its source is unknown. Is it the missing social skills that prevent them from hanging around others and therefore get little exposure to social interaction, or is it the lack of exposure that prevents them from developing their social skills and leads to avoiding people even more?

Some theories claim that social ability is genetic, while others consider it a learned skill. I tend to think it is a mixture of both and believe we need to focus on what we can do, rather than what we cannot do - every person can become a bit friendlier than he or she was in the past and therefore a bit happier than he or she would be otherwise.

Circle of friends

Although the number of friends is an indication to how friendly you are, it is also important to consider the level of friendship. One good way of realizing your social interaction is to do the circle of friends' activity.

Write your name in the middle, then write all those you consider friends and put them in the circle that matches how close are they to you. Consider their friendships in terms of how much you like them, how much they like you and how often you interact with them. The more close friends you have, the friendlier you are and the happier your life is.

The art of friendliness is the art of enjoying each other's company. If you like people, you want to spend more time with them. If they like you in return, they would like to spend more time with you. Liking each other means you are in a win-win situation - you both benefit from this interaction and your friendship will continue. If one of the sides is not happy with the relationship, it will bring friction, heartache and misery to both sides.

In any interaction, the goal is to benefit from the relationship and make sure the other person benefits from it too and would like to stay in this relationship. Our goal is to make the interaction pleasant to both sides.

Dale Carnegie talked about some basic techniques to win friends. He even thought they were fundamental to success in life through our ability to influence people. Read this list and examine your friendliness skills by rating your ability from 1-10.

• In your interaction with others, do not criticize. Criticism is the opposite of being friendly. It changes the balance between equal people to one considering himself/herself better. Do not confuse feedback with criticism. Criticism is always considering your point over the other.
• Do not condemn others for their actions and behavior. Again, this destroys the fine balance that is required in a pleasant interaction. When you condemn people, you are stating that there is right and wrong. This only proves you are not a close enough friend as you have no idea what would make this person behave the way he/she did.
• Do not complain. Complainers are not friendly by definition. The things they complain about are more important to them than the friendship and others do not like hanging around them for long. Complaining and being pleasant do not go hand in hand and the excuse that the complaint contributes to a better relationship does not convince anyone. Only a masochist will believe that in order to have a good relationship, they need to please the other person.
• Do not nag. Nagging is another way of criticizing, condemning and complaining. It is a sign you are not in an equal relationship. Nagging is a sign you think your opinion is superior and that you rather the other person do what you want even if it is done by force.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them
- Mother Teresa

• Give honest and sincere appreciation. The opposite of the first four behaviors that destroy the balance is to show and express appreciation. Say good things about your friend. Generally, saying good things about others (only if they are true) makes others consider you a friendly person that sees the good in others. Use praises at the beginning of your words and always be honest. If you are forced to show appreciation - it is not honest. If one person in your relationship demands appreciation, this changes the balance and forces one side to be dishonest, which is a sign of problems in the relationship.
• Avoid arguments. In any argument, there are two sides. Both of them are valid and no matter what happens, it will be a lose-lose interaction that no one would like to repeat. Argumentative people do not have many friends, because they are energy consumers and exhausting to spend time with. If you start an argument, consider the friendship and choose to lose the argument and not the friendship. If you feel you need to win an argument, you have already lost.
• Smile. People who smile seem very friendly. Smiling is a form of communication that attracts people. When you smile, it sends the other person an invitation to interact with you. When you frown, it labels you as a criticizing, complaining, unhappy person and makes others stay away from you. Friends subconsciously match your behavior. If you complain, they will tend to "play the game" with you, but when they are far away from you, they will feel uncomfortable with themselves and avoid hanging around with you.
• Use people's names. Everyone likes the sound of his or her name. I have seen people in networking events abuse this tip and when I hear my name for the third time in a short period, it turns me off. On the other hand, some people tend to talk to others without using their names at all. Remembering someone else's name is very important and it is better to ask, "Can you remind me of your name again?" than not to use the name at all (or to guess it incorrectly). With close friends, it is never an issue of remembering, but of making an effort to use it.

The best mirror is an old friend
- George Herbert

• Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves. In every interaction, measure how long you speak and how long the other person speaks. The one who speaks less is considered friendlier. In an interaction with others, there should be an equal share of contribution. Although it is not easy to use a stopwatch, it is good to be aware of who takes over the conversation. Those who take over the conversation usually consider the topic more important than the friendship and chase people away.
• When talking, talk about terms that are appealing to the other person. If you insist on talking about things that are of interest to you and not the other person, you lose your audience immediately. If you use vocabulary that the other person uses, the conversation is much easier. If you insist that the conversations include things that are of interest to you and that your goal is to convert the listener to your point of view, consider the interaction lost. Interaction is similar to playing ball. If one person holds the ball tight, there is no game.
• Be genuinely interested in other people. When you do listen and encourage others to talk, make it genuine and sincere. To show interest in people, you need to ask questions. If the questions are not sincere and you just wait for the other person to finish so you can have a say too, this will be easily picked up by the other person, create a problem of trust between you and they will say to themselves, "She really didn't want to know the answer, so why bother?"
• Make the other person feel important and special and be honest with it. Carnegie talked about honesty a lot. He thought that using his tips without really meaning it defeats the purpose of building social skills. The mechanics of showing interest in others and making another person feel special cannot be cheated. Either you think the other is special and important or you do not. You cannot fake it. If you talk to the other person as if there is nothing special about them, there is always the question of "Then why do you spend time with me?" Ask yourself, "Why do I want to be in this person's company?" and use the answer to tell this person what is special about them that makes them attractive to you. Saying, "Well, I didn’t have anyone else to talk to", is not a friendly thing to say. Be careful not to badmouth others to make your friends feel special. If you do that, it is risky to be your friend, because one day you might talk like that about them.
• Show respect to others' ideas and never tell them they are wrong! Every relationship is based on mutual respect. When you tell someone they are wrong, you are tipping the balance. It is your right to think and do things differently, but it is not your right to judge. People do not like being in a judgmental relationship.
• When a person is upset, do not talk negatively, only talk about the positive. Friends are there to help each other. If you talk negatively, you are not creating rapport but dragging your friend down. Do your best not to judge, not to offer explanations for why they are upset or what they could have done better to not be in that place. If they are upset, they do not need your judgment on top of it.
• Do not try to change your friend. Instead, try to see things from their point of view. In any relationship, there are conflicts. No two people do, act, say and treat things exactly the same way, but that does not need to come between friends. If you think a friend has done something that you consider inappropriate, strange or unkind, try to put yourself in his or her shoes. Friendship does not give you the right to change the other person but to understand them.
• Be courteous. This is strongly linked to respect and keeping the trust between people. If you feel you need to use information you have of other people to gain power, you are not a good friend and it will be hard for your to build this trust again.

I count myself in nothing else so happy as in a soul rememb'ring my good friends
- William Shakespeare

How to be friendly and happy

In some positions, you are in charge and need to lead others in doing things. It can be as a parent, as a manager or even within the scope of teamwork. People will follow and listen to those who lead with friendly behavior and will resent those who are not friendly.

1. Never point to other people's mistakes. If necessary, talk about the action, not the person. If there is a mistake that needs to be fixed, always make it look like it is not a big deal and it is easy to fix. If it is possible, talk about your own mistakes first. Always let the other person "save face". Shaming a person may make you feel strong, but it will attract resentment to you. A strong leader with no followers is not a leader.
2. If you do make a mistake, say, "My mistake, sorry". It makes you look human to those who work with you. Much like not making a fuss about the mistakes of others, make sure not to make a fuss about your own mistakes. Generally, focusing on mistakes is not a good social skill, so move on and talk about the good stuff.
3. Ask questions instead of giving orders. Use "Can you please bring me the letters" instead of "Bring me the letters, please". When it is asked as a question, it gives the other person the chance to say, "No, I can't right now. I am doing something else" instead of putting pressure on them to follow your orders even when they cannot.
4. Praise every improvement. Everyone likes to be praised and every time you praise, you are considered kind and friendly, as if you can read peoples' good motives and behavior. Give people a fine reputation to live up to.

The art of happiness is strongly related to our ability to connect with people and be friendly. Most of the big successes start with someone knowing someone who knows someone and the willingness to be friendly and help. I can tell you for sure that my successes have followed this pattern. Friends are like a big family and having a big family contributes to happiness.

Wishing you many friends and lots of happiness that comes with friendship,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Stronger Together
• Save Your Energy
• The Art of Misery (Advanced)

Noff's school has a special unit for children with various disabilities. These kids spend much of their time in "normal" classrooms and go to the special unit for additional support, specific exercise and maybe a little bit to get out of classroom competition.

At the same time, the school includes these special students in every extracurricular activity - choirs, school plays, instrumentals bands and even dance troupes. We are amazed and moved to tears watching the little brave souls get up on stage with walking frames or in electric wheelchairs during concerts and performances and pour their heart out, their faces beaming with joy.

Some time ago, I picked Noff up from school and she said that one of the special education teachers had approached her and a few other girls for a secret mission. She said, "She wanted us to help one of the girls without telling anyone about it. She said the girl needed someone to help her get from the special unit to class and back and someone else to protect her in the playground from bullies".

"Wow", I said, "Are you proud she picked you?"

"Yeah!" she beamed at me, "And straight away, I asked her if it was Kelly [not her real name] and she looked surprised, but I know it's hard for her to walk all the way to the special unit and back with all her stuff and I know some kids are picking on her".

So Noff was assigned to help Kelly with her bag and "stuff", a couple of girls took turns helping her in class and a couple of big girls became her playground guards, protecting her from anyone trying to put her down and reporting any incident to the teacher.

"But we're all her friends, so we all agreed, of course", Noff said cheerfully, "And we all said we would play with her too, because she's fun".

During the next couple of days, Noff and the rest of the crew did their jobs faithfully and found great games they could play with Kelly. They developed group jokes and secret signals and felt very responsible and helpful.

One day, I saw her putting on her swimming gear in the morning, although I knew her swimming lesson was only two hours later. When I asked her about it, she said, "I don't have time to get dressed. I need to go to the pool earlier and help Kelly, so she can be ready by the time everyone else gets there".

But the next day, Noff looked sad.

"What happened?" I asked.

"My two best friends aren't in the group that's helping Kelly and they're upset with me for going off and not playing with them. I want to tell them what's going on, but I can't. I promised to keep it a secret".

"Aren't they also Kelly's friends?" I asked, "I thought you all played together anyway".

"We used to, but since they weren't invited by the Special Ed teacher, whenever I leave the class to go an help Kelly, they ask me where I'm going and I can't tell them. I don't like it. They're my friends too and they're angry with me now".

"Maybe the teacher will let you tell them", I suggested, "They probably know she needs help like you did".

So the next day, it was all sorted. Noff talked to the teacher, her best friends joined the happy playgroup and since one of them is also quite big, that helps to make them bully-proof. They all see it as a labor of love, they share their time based on their commitments and they manage to make it fun for everyone, so that Kelly feels as much like everyone else as possible.

Last week, Ronit was away and the big kids were on vacation, so Noff and I got to have breakfast just the two of us. One day, she brought up the topic of keeping a secret from her friends again.

"I don't want to lie to my friends", she said, "It felt really bad keeping a secret from them, especially when I knew they could be part of the team".

"I'm glad you feel that way", I said, "The truth is really important to me and I always think that having to hide your thoughts from others complicates things. Actually, the truth may be hard to tell, but it is often the best approach to the situation".

"So how can I keep something from my friends without having to lie to them?"

"Well, you can tell them something more general that's true, but doesn't contain the information you're supposed to keep secret. For example, if they ask you where you're going, you can say, 'I'm going to help a teacher'. It's true, but you haven't revealed too much".

"What if they keep asking questions, like, 'What teacher?'"

"Then you can repeat the same information in another way and use the tone of giving an obvious answer, like, 'Some teacher needed some help and asked me to help her. I'll be back soon'. This may be enough for them to think that the details are not important and/or that they can't get any more out of you".

"I don't know if I can do this. It still feels like I'm not telling them and they'll still be mad", Noff said.

"In that case, you can tell them the truth. Say, 'I can't tell you about it, because I promised to keep it a secret. Sorry'. You haven't revealed anything, you've only told the truth and your friends may realize you were being trustworthy, which is good".

Noff made a face.

"Well, you can make it sound funny. You can put on a mysterious expression, speak in a mysterious tone and say, 'It's ... a ... secret?'"

"Dad, these are all great suggestions, but I still don't like hiding stuff from my friends", she said.

"In that case, all I can say is that you're a very good friend and that you've handled the situation brilliantly from start to finish. Now, Kelly has lots of girls to play with, your best friends are on the team and the teacher knows what a great helper you are. It's the best anyone could expect".

"Thanks, Dad", she seemed relieved, "Let's go to school".

Happy parenting,
Gal

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I learned it the hard way that connections get you places and that there is no need to fight it. I remember the first time I realized it when I was about 24 years old and went to the bank to get with a credit application. As Gal and I sat down in the manager's office, he looked at us like we were two young kids and said, "Never! I don't know you and I can't give you any credit".

People like doing business with people they know. There is an assumed trust with someone you know. My dad had suggested he come with us to the bank, but I said, "No! It's not supposed to be like that". We both had salaries, we owned our home (and had a huge loan my dad had organized) and I was convinced the bank manager would look at the facts and understand we were a reliable couple, but he did not.

At one stage, I asked the bank manager, "Do you know my dad?"

He asked, "What's your dad's name?"

When I told him, he cried, "Oh, you are Yehuda's daughter! Why didn't you say so? Sure, I'll give you credit! Here, give me the form and I'll sign it"

I was furious, but I realized my dad had built this connection for a long time and it was just wise for me to take advantage of it. I also realized I had to do the same for my children.

Much of our success in life depends on our ability to network and connect with other people. This is a very important skill that your kids will learn from you. It is almost a form of art.

In my leadership training, I tell the participants that good leaders have good networks and they build them like spiders. Every person they meet, they weave a web that connects them. This is true in life and in business. You connect with people and you both benefit from the relationship. Benefit does not have to be financial, it can be emotional, but as long as both sides benefit, the relationship will continue. This is a very important social skill to teach children - having a network of friends is important for their success and it based on "give and take". In a good relationship, you cannot be a constant giver or a constant receiver.

How to teach your kids how to network

1. It is very important for kids to understand that who they hang out with says a lot about who they are. There is a beautiful old saying, "Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are". Although it is not easy to accept, people will treat you the way you treat yourself. If you hang around kids that do not appreciate academic achievement, you will tend to adopt that mindset too. It is the same the other way - if you hang around kids who appreciate music, you will be more appreciative of music yourself.
2. Good networkers are very helpful. They offer real help, often without being asked. Teach your kids that giving does not need to be immediately reciprocated, because what goes around comes around and their kindness will one day come back. Tell them stories about you doing kind things that were reciprocated only years later. Kind people who offer to help usually have a bigger network of friends and this is something we all want for our children.
3. Kids with a big network meet others in different places. If your kids have many hobbies, they have a bigger chance to meet more kids of different kinds, network with them and sharpen their social skills. Give your kids opportunities to meet many other kids: camps, trips, music lessons, sporting activities, hobby classes, parties, sleepovers and other places where there are other kids.
4. Teach your kids to introduce themselves when getting to a new place. They can practice in front of the mirror to say, "Hi, I'm Patrick". This is sometimes enough to get to know people. Usually, with young kids, gathering the courage to approach someone and say, "Hi, my name is Liz", is enough to start a wonderful relationship. When they are older, they can practice shaking hands and looking in the eye too. There are so many places where kids are dying to meet other kids and they do not have the courage to go and introduce themselves. Make sure your kids do not suffer from it.
5. Teach your kids to memorize names. People like to know that you remembered their name. Teach them to ask, "What's your name?" or "My name is Luke. What's yours?" Repeating the name may help remember it and if they tell you about the new kids they meet, it may help even more. Teach them to use the other person's name in conversation, but not to overdo it. I personally hate it when someone says to me, "Hi, Ronit. How are you, Ronit. Tell me, Ronit, would you like to..." Two key points are the beginning and the end of the conversation. Another opportunity to use someone's name is to introduce them to someone else. Associating new names with images or rhyming words helps remember them.
6. Knowing things about others is very helpful for building relationships. Kids can pay attention to birthday dates, notice when another kid says he is going overseas for the holidays and make note of appearance changes. When the time comes, they can say, "Happy birthday", ask, "How was your holiday?" or compliments the new haircut. Showing interest is flattering for everyone, so show real interest in others. When my kids come home and tell me that one of their friends was sick, I always suggest calling them to how they are doing. I would want others to show interest in my kids too. It is also good for them to know personal things about their friends: where they live (with Mom or Dad), how many siblings they have, their hobbies and so on.
7. Teach your kids to return a favor. If someone has been kind to them, help them look for ways to show kindness in return. Kindness is contagious and it will start a cycle of kindness that will never end. It will also make your kids popular.
8. Teach your kids that age does not limit their network. Show them that you associate with people who are not exactly in your age group so they understand that limiting themselves only to kids their age can shrink their support network. When we grow up, we associate with people from different ages, so why would we encourage our kids only to hang around kids their own age?
9. Teach your kids to be sensitive to other people's problems and fears. They do not have to take those issues on themselves, but it is an opportunity for them to help. Our 10 year old daughter Noff came home one day and said her teacher was struggling with the whiteboard markers not being strong enough to see from the back of the classroom. She took some of the whiteboard markers we had at home and gave them to her teacher as a gift. Although teachers should buy good markers from their school budget, we thought that Noff was very sensitive and we were happy to encourage this sensitivity.
10. Teach your kids to be appreciative of their relationships and never take for granted what others do for them. Saying "Please" and "Thank you" is an easy way to show appreciation. There is real social magic in these words.

The art of networking does not start when you are a grownup and have a business. It starts when you are 2 years old and you use your parents' network to associate with other kids. How many times have you heard of people finding a job with the help of their network (the figure is 65%)? How many times have you heard of people finding a partner for life or for business within their network? The list of networking benefits is huge.

Relationships are something we build over years and the longer the relationship, the more trust and willingness to help exist between the friends or networking buddies. I am happy for my kids to use my network for as long as they can. Just recently, my son Tsoof went to audition for a community club award. In the interview, he told them about many of the charity events he had performed in the previous year. The first question they asked him was, "How did you get those gigs?" and he went over each of them in his mind and realized he had gotten all of them through our network or his own.

Unfortunately, our kids will not be with us forever. They will have to build their own networks and the sooner, the better. Make a conscious decision to teach them how to do it and be a role model as the first step.

Wishing you and your kids a huge network of friends,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Be Friendly, Be Happy
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Manners
• Stronger Together

All parents dream of having polite kids with good manners. Some of the desire for manners is rooted in an old discipline of obedience that was part of every family structure in the past.

I have challenged this quest for good manners for many years. When I was a child, I was very rebellious and hated anything associated with manners. I believe I did that because my parents and my teachers used manners as a way to control their children and students, instead of explaining what manners meant and how we would benefit from using them.

I know many parents who still use external motivation today, repeatedly telling their kids to say "please" and "thank you" without helping them develop their own understanding and motivation. But I believe that when children know what it means to have manners and how they benefit from them, they are polite and show excellent manners naturally and effortlessly.

Kids can tell when they do something to please their parents and when they do it because they want to. After my kids have a sleepover or a party, many of their friends' parents ask them, "What do you say to Mrs. Baras?" and the child is embarrassed and mumbles, "Thank you for having me". This is a typical example of how parents confuse following orders ("You do what I tell you to do just because I told you to do it and I am God almighty and you'd better listen to me or else…") with a lesson that equips children with rules of behavior that will make their life successful and happy.

Worse still, while some parents remind their kids to be polite quietly, others put on a big display, possibly because they see the behavior of their children as a reflection of their parenting abilities and their own manners. That sort of show, particularly when the child has already thanked the host, disrespects them and only makes them link manners with being humiliated.

Manners are just social codes of behavior that people have discovered over time that show you can read and follow social cues. Children who learn to demonstrate the manners in the environment they live in do not stick out as rude and are considered respectful and with good social skills. I agree that not all those rules make 100% sense, but I bet they made real sense when they were created. Therefore, there are natural incentives for children to be polite and all we need to do as parents is point them out.

1. Manners are the social rules of your environment. In every society, a person with good manners is considered polite, respectful, grateful and friendly. It is your responsibility as a parent to teach your kids the social cues. While you do this, you can still filter out behaviors that contradict your values, such as covering for a friend who has done something dangerous or lying not to offend.
2. Every group of people has its own culture and manners. You can take some rules from one culture and try to bring them into another culture. Teach your kids to discover the source of the behavior rules in each culture and develop critical thinking about them. Teach them to ask, "What was the society like when those rules formed? Are they still relevant today? How can we take some aspect from one culture and combine it with the new culture?" It will help them not accept them as "musts" when they are inappropriate and appreciate other codes of that create social benefit.
3. "Please" and "Thank you!" are truly magic words, but only if you mean them. Say "please" when you ask someone to do something for you and say "thank you" after they do. These are great ways to declare your appreciation and gratefulness for their help. Teach your kids that people are naturally friendly and like to help, but they take some risk when they help and give. If you say "please", their risk shrinks and when you say "thank you", they are happy they have helped you, because they have been rewarded. They are then more likely to help you next time too. Teachers love to deal with polite kids (I can tell you from experience both as a teacher and as the mother of my very polite children), so teach your kids that manners are a ticket to success.
4. Never say anything negative (pink elephant) with "please", as in "David, please don't play with your food". Because the child's mind converts this into, "David, please play with your food", this links the magic with things that annoy you and you want to stop.
5. Never ever say "please" or "thank you" in anger, as in, "Go to your bed now, thank you". When you do this, you are abusing the "thank you", because you are not really grateful and appreciative, you are giving an order and your kids know that. It is the best way to destroy the magic of "please" and "thank you".
6. Be a role model. Use "please" and "thank you" appropriately, even for small things, as in "Can you please pass me the salt" instead of "Pass me the salt". Manners are habits and if your kids copy your language (and they will), they will have enough polite, respectful, grateful language to use as reference.
7. Teach your kids they do not have to say everything on their mind and not to confuse honesty with rudeness. Stick to the rule "If you have nothing good to say, say nothing!" and if you find yourself not saying much because you only have unpleasant things to say, keep looking for something good to say. It is out there, you just have to clean your glasses and see more good around you!
8. Teach your kids to say good things about their friends and not to gossip. Tell them it is not good manners to talk badly about others behind their back. If you talk about others, say positive things about them and mean what you say. This may be one of the most important social rules you can teach your children. Set an example!
9. When a friend invites your kids to play, to a party or to study together, they should reciprocate and invite them back. This is the polite thing to do and will ensure your kids will always have friends and will always be invited. Relationships are two-way streets and when you receive, it is a sign you also need to give. When we give more, we also get more back. Help your kids invite their friends and teach them how to host nicely so their friends will want to come again.
10. Do not open birthday presents in front of your guests, because this will make them compare presents, it will likely start a competition and those who have brought a simple present might feel ashamed. Remember, it is not the price of the present that counts but the thought and the attention, yet most kids do not get a chance to buy presents anyway. It is their parents who buy and not everyone can afford big gifts. Do not shame anyone by opening gifts in front of everyone. If someone asks you to open their gift, do it on the side so only the two of you can see it or say, "We never open presents until after the party".

As you can see, manners are a huge topic and a big part of our social skills. The most important thing in teaching manners is to make sure your children understand how they can benefit from them. My kids' teachers always say they are very helpful students, because they offer to help, they say please and thank you and they never talk badly about other kids. When your children are young, you can explain some of the reasons and create opportunities for them to see how much they benefit from their manners. To support my manners commandments, I use every opportunity to tell my kids how well my manners have worked for me and how badly things have turned out when I did not use them.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Gender
• Quid Pro Quo (2)

Yet much of the time, most people operate under the assumption that "every child knows" what they know, that what seems clear and simple to them is as clear and simple to others. In fact, it is not the differences between us and the other people that create the friction, it is our expectation that they can see our point of view.

The TV series Lie to Me has brought the interpretation of facial expressions and body language into our living room, but unless you have developed these skills with a lot of supervised practice, it is likely that you can read what someone else is feeling correctly as often as not. If your partner walks in the door looking upset, are they sorry they are late, did they have a flat tire, did they get fired or did they just step in something unpleasant? It is hard to tell.

Here is an example.

John gets fires from work. He is so upset he cannot speak and decides to wait until the kids have gone to bed before sharing the bad news with Betty. Not knowing what has happened, Betty casually asks him if he can pick something up on his way back from work tomorrow.

John explodes.

Betty has no idea what just happened.

This example is blunt in order to be clear, but things could be a lot more subtle.

Betty's love language is Quality Time. When John travels on business, Betty becomes an emotional porcupine and grows quiet and touchy. Subconsciously, she feels deserted when he is away. When John finally returns, she needs some time to adapt to his presence and gradually warm up to him.

But John's love language is Affirmations. When he comes home, he wants to hear Betty say how happy she is to see him. He wants her to listen to his stories of success and provide words of encouragement that will make him feel good. When Betty seems distant, John feels hurt.

To Betty, it is obvious that being apart is difficult and requires great effort. What loving partner goes away for so long? Although she understands the benefits of John's business travels, this is the best she can do. To John, this is not obvious. Their loving phone call the night before was enough for him.

To him, it is obvious that when a loved one walks in the door, the person at home will show love by cheering, stating how happy she was with his return and verbally acknowledging the positive points in his very interesting story. Short responses and a focus on his absence are no way to treat a returning partner. To Betty, this is not obvious. How can anyone be cheerful after being alone for two days?

So John and Betty resent each other for doing the "wrong" thing "to them". By expecting their partner to share their feelings and experience things in the same way, they conclude there is something "wrong" with their partner and that maybe their partner does not love them as much as they do.

Trying to tell each other what they expected of them does not help as long as it is done with the same expectation. It becomes a competition for being "right" and in most cases, since the expectations are so self-evident, they are not even stated.

John might say, "What's wrong with you?"

And Betty might answer, "What's wrong with me?! If you're not happy with me, maybe you should go away for a few more days".

Kaboom!

But what if Betty was John's 3-year-old daughter?

John would probably walk in the door, pick her up, give her a long, warm cuddle and be very understanding towards her when she looked upset. He would start by saying, "Hello, Betty-boo. Daddy missed you so much at work today. Did you miss Daddy too?"

And if John was Betty's 3-year-old son, she would not consider him a deserted for going to Kindie and playing with other kids. She would put a big smile on her face, give him a long, warm cuddle, ask him about his day, listen excitedly and encourage him, no matter what he said.

When a toddler does something we disagree with, we explain to them in detail why we would rather they did something else and what we would prefer them to do. When a teenager or an adult does something we disagree with, we get upset with them, because "every child knows" what the right thing to do is.

Except they do not.

Because nothing is absolutely right or wrong.

We simply prefer things to be different.

And when a toddler insists on doing something against our advice (and there is no danger), we are likely to let them do it and think how cute they are and maybe this shows that they have character. But when a teenager or an adult insists on doing something against our advice, we call them and their choices names like "stupid", "pig headed", "ridiculous" and plain "wrong".

Except they are not.

They are just different to what we would do.

They simply prefer things another way.

So one quick way to overcome relationship conflicts is to ask yourself, "If <the other person> was 3 years old and looking cute and cuddly, what would I say?"

Try it a few times and come back to tell us how you went.

Happy times,
Gal

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• In My Opinion
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Change

In their song Lifestyle of the Rich and the Famous, Good Charlotte sing about how celebrities complain all the time and say their life is hard, even though they have money, mansions and other things money can buy. By contrasting fame and fortune with living on the streets, this song reflects general public sentiment very well.

But it is not true.

If you have been anywhere near a TV set in the past few weeks, read any newspaper or even glanced at a magazine at the checkout line, you have seen them - Prince William and Kate Middleton. Their lives and upcoming wedding were covered from every angle and then, their wedding was covered in even more detail. Anyone who had anything to do with them at any time was interviewed ad nauseam and every bit was replayed over and over again.

We generally watch little television, but I happened to catch one of the programs on "Will and Kate", in which Prince William's life in college was covered, including a trip to Chile, where he roughed it out as a volunteer. There was footage of him first thing in the morning, barely awake, cooking porridge for everyone and narrating the whole thing, including the horrible taste of the porridge.

It clearly stood out from the program that Prince William was comfortable being famous and treated the film crew with respect. He was polite and composed and had a shy smile on his face most of the time.

When the program continued, someone from the media commented on how Kate started out being nice to journalists, but had grown impatient with them in the previous few weeks. That comment did not surprise me somehow. I had seen similar reports about many people who were new to celebrity.

I started to think that the main difference between Prince William and Kate is that Prince William was born a mega celebrity and simply grew into the role, whereas for Kate, being the subject of such a media frenzy was a new thing. I believe Kate was overwhelmed by what she was losing when she became a celebrity, while Prince William took it easy, because he had never had it and had lost nothing.

You see, when we sit in our humble home, surrounded by our family, after a day of normal work and school, we wish for the things we do not have, but we forget that everything has a price. We imagine the glamour, the glitz and the freedom afforded to those who have lots of money of fame, and we choose to ignore and downplay the things that go with them, such as super-high pressure, massive temptations and brutal invasion of privacy.

Being happy is not directly linked to the amount of money you have or to the number of people who recognize your face. Being happy is linked strongly to how kind you are to yourself and others (within your means) and how much people really care about you.

Money and fame can be vehicle to happiness. When used well, they can magnify everything you do. But in the incessant pursuit of money and fame, most people forget that they are only means and not the goal.

The real goal is happiness. It is everyone's real goal.

Ronit and I have been to many seminars on wealth creation, where we heard that in order to have a lot of money, you must love money. You must get excited by the thought of having piles and piles of it. And we were sitting there, thinking, "But we don't want money. We want to be happy. Money is just a magnifier of who we are and if we are money chasers, having money will just help us chase more money faster".

Because in life, you do not get what you want. You get what you focus on.

Would you rather have lots of money or a loving family?

Would you rather have a highly paid job, the industry's respect and long working hours or enough time to watch your kids grow and become wonderful people under your care and influence?

Would you rather come home to impeccable order and shiny new things or to a warm and lived-in place, where every item carries memories of precious events and people?

Would you rather eat lavishly with your boy- or girl-du-jour in the most expensive places to the sound of camera clicks and whispers of people who feel fortunate to be in your presence or have a quiet, romantic dinner with your childhood sweetheart at an affordable restaurant and whisper naughty things to each other because there is nobody hiding under your table with a recorder?

Would you rather live with people who want what you have and will do pretty much anything to get it or with people you can trust, who will drop everything and come to your aid when you need them?

Would you rather measure your self-worth by the amount of money they have, how often you are mentioned in the papers and the number of "friends" you have online or by the strength of your character and the happiness around you?

Ultimately, it is your choice. And you are making it every day. And what you say matters very little, because what you do always speaks louder.

As a parent, your kids will do what Prince William did. They will adapt.

They will notice your daily actions and your daily choices and believe them to be the best anyone can make. They will decide that if they want to be like Mommy and Daddy, they had better do the same. And they will start to put that into action right away, no matter what you say to them. Because what you do always speaks louder.

To really drive home the message that happiness is more important than anything else is, you must live this choice every day as a person and a parent. Your career, your home, your car, your habits and your behavior must reflect that choice.

Look around you slowly and deliberately and pay attention to the things that make you happy - familiar things that make you feel safe, toys and tools linked to pleasant memories and furniture that gives you a sense of belonging. Imagine the people in your life – your partner, your kids, your parents and your friends - and think of all the things they do for you - the smiles, the touches, the little services, the thoughtful presents, the special cards, the acceptance, the understanding, the support…

Are you smiling yet?

You just cannot buy these things with money or fame, can you?

Have a beautiful day,
Gal

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