The problem with pressure is that it also damages our ability to reason and function severely. It interferes with remembering things, with being creating and with our perception of what goes on around us. We see the world through narrow slits in a thick armor, we see everything tinted bright red, we hear everything pitchy and sharp and very little makes sense.

Intense pressure can even make us feel like there is no hope and nobody to help us. It is as if we are invisible.

A long time ago, I saw a movie, I think it was Ordinary People, where a mother walked over to her teenage son, touched him gently and said, "I see you". That line stuck with me and I have used the idea in it many times with the people I love.

In another movie, Dune, people fight with invisible shields, which are very effective at blocking quick, strong sword movements. When fighting a person using this type of shield, the only way to defeat them is with a slow moving movement, like sticking a knife in while distracting their attention.

I think the "I see you" method works well because the other person is using an invisible shield that is very effective at blocking direct methods, like advice, jokes and uninvited help. It works especially well with teenagers, who see many things as threats to their identity and independence.

When we see someone we care about under pressure, we often try to help by finding out about their problem and then offering a solution. Other times, there may be a conflict between what we need and what the other person needs, which makes us focus on getting what we need. Both of these methods generally fail when there is enough stress involved.

You see, albeit irrational, most people translate having a problem to "I'm not good enough". If you try to help them, it just means they were not good enough to solve their own problem. If you focus on yourself, that is yet another thing they have to deal with.

A better approach is to validate the person, to make them feel good about themselves despite what they might be dealing with and to reassure them that they are not alone.

When Ronit and I go to bed at night, no matter what happened during that day, no matter what I still have to do the following day (and maybe even later), no matter if we talk about our challenges and find solutions or not, I still get to cuddle with her and all my worries dissolve. My body just lets go of the pressure and I surrender to the softness and warmth of her embrace.

Unfortunately for our kids, they have nobody to cuddle with in bed. Unfortunately for all of us, our daily pressures build up so quickly sometimes that going 16 hours until we can feel accepted and validated again seems like a very long time.

So in-between, we can send little signs of affirmation to one another, particularly when we can see someone who is under pressure. We can let them know that we see them, that we are there for them and that we care about them even when they are hard on themselves.

Here are some ways to say, "I see you":

• Catch their eye and smile
• Blow them a kiss
• Walk over to them and put your hand on their shoulder for a while. According to Reiki, this is a way to give them positive energy, which their body will use as it needs. This is a gentle way of distracting them from their mental down-spiral and giving them something warm to focus on
• Give them a hug and hold on until you feel them relax (typically, they will take a deep breath just before). If the person is sitting down, try something else first, but if they are standing, a hug should be great. Offer the hug without words, if you can. Stretching your arms out should be obvious enough. If you need to say something, rather than saying, "Give me a hug", say, "How about a hug?" and wait for approval.
• If you know they like it, stroke their hair, massage their shoulders or hold their face in your hands. As you do, try to turn their gaze upwards. Our brain is wired so that negative thoughts are only possible when we look down and looking up is all about the future
• Pressure is a lot easier to handle when you have had enough sleep, enough water and enough food. Cater to their physical needs
• Give them space by keeping things quiet and by taking care of things that might add to their burden, like making dinner or washing the dishes. When Ronit is particularly busy, she really appreciates the person who takes care of dinner, because it is one less thing she needs to worry about
• Give them a little note saying, "I love you", "I'm here for you" or even "Bad day?" You can also put a flower down beside them as a symbolic note
• Tell them, "I see you", and explain what it means when you do it the first time. This can become part of your "secret code" with your children and your partner

Whatever you do, approach slowly and gently and focus on making the other person feel good overall.

If you can relate to any of this, you can also share it with the people who love you and let them know they can help you in times of stress in the same ways. Although they want to support you, they may not know how and this will make everybody feel better at the same time.

Handling pressure is a modern-day necessity. By learning how to relieve other people's pressure, including your kids, you will also model kind and powerful behavior to them and equip them with the skills to be happy in life.

Happy days,
Gal

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach
• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person

If you lose your job, your certainty tank is emptied all of a sudden. If you divorce, your love and connection tank goes down so quickly your life will be hard for a while. If you have a new job and you need to work exactly at the same times of the day and you need to accumulate lots of working days until you can have a holiday, then your variety level is at risk. If you have just joined a sewing club, where everyone there is so advanced you need to catch up, then your significance may suffer.

Personal development is a very good way to learn to fill our tanks. We learn to balance ourselves by discovering who we are, how we think, how we function and what makes us happy and successful. It is very important to know that the balance is different from one person to another. What one sees balance might feel out of balance for another. When we consider needs, they also contradict each other sometimes.

Conflicting needs

Our four needs are in constant conflict with each other and require each person to balance them based on his or her definition of balance.

When we have too much certainty, things are always the same, it gets boring and we seek variety.

When we have too much variety, too many things change too often, it is overwhelming and we seek certainty.

When we have too much love and connection, when everything we do connects us with others, we no longer feel special enough and we seek significance.

When we have too much significance, we feel so different from everybody else it is harder for us to connect to others and we seek love and connection.

We continually shift from one to the other based on our definition of what the needs are and what balance is for us.

I can give you an example from my own life. When we travelled the world and lived in different places, everyone around thought we had too much variety and not enough certainly. I thought the balance was just perfect. My need for variety was very high and I got my certainly from being close to my family, having each other and having a good financial backup. So what seemed unbalanced to others was very balanced to me.

Difficult people have a hole in one of their need tanks or a very high tank that is hard to fill. I can tell you that my need for variety is so high that I change the direction of the sofa, my bed and the dining table once a month. I even choose work that has a variety of things, because I find it hard to do the same things all day, every day.

At different times of our life, our needs changes. When we moved to Australia, which was our most energy-consuming move, I felt I needed more certainly and stopped travelling as we did before. Recently, we started having "the itch" for travelling again.

If you want to find your highest needs, do the following exercise. Remember, the results are only true now. If you do it again in a month, you may find you have changed a bit.

Rate the needs from 1-10 (1 = low need, 10= high need):

• Certainty - I want things to be stable, predictable and reliable. I want to feel secure and safe
• Variety - I want things to be interesting, exciting and moving. I want to try new things and have lots of different experiences
• Love and connection - I want to belong, to feel accepted and supported. I want people to like me and enjoy my company
• Significance - I want to stand out and be special and unique. I want to feel exceptional, valuable and important

Your highest need is the one you have a hole in and that needs boosting when you are being difficult. If you are helping a child, remember to tell them that we all have these needs and maybe share yours with them, so they do not feel too exposed. Match the explanation to their level of understand and ask, "From 1-10, how much do you think you want to be special? How much do you want to feel safe and know what's going to happen ahead of time? How much do you want to be with other people who like you? How much do you want things to be different and exciting?"

Now, your goal is to fill the empty tank!

Holistic need fulfillment

People are holistic beings - our needs do not sit in the brain in separate compartments. I can get variety from making fun of people or get from changing the direction of my bed. I can get significance from showing off or from being kind. We can borrow from one area of life to use in another. Our tanks have no filters, so every kind of variety and significance is welcome.

Here is a list of things we can do to satisfy each of our needs:

Certainty

• Have a daily routine and do the same things every day, at least in the morning
• Keep a diary and schedule your appointments and activities in advance
• Have a spiritual faith and practice regularly
• Exercise regularly
• Have a stable job - same hours, same days, same tasks
• Plan a party before you have it
• Plane your weekly schedule on Sunday night
• Plan your food for the week in advance
• Keep a work roster - any planning gains certainty
• Keep your workspace, bag and room organized
• Clean regularly

Variety

• Play sports
• Go to the movies
• Travel to new places
• Have stimulating conversations about new topics
• Meet new people
• Do art - paint, sculpt, create
• Throw a party
• Go to concerts
• Take a holiday
• Learn something new
• Volunteer (may also give love & connection and significance)
• Go out to a restaurant
• Read a new book
• Break your routine, at least on weekends

Significance

• Become an expert and specialize in something
• Helping others
• Volunteer
• Teach
• Buy special clothes
• Be kind
• Be in a relationship - it makes you the most important person in someone's life (also good for love & connection and possibly certainty)
• Be a parent - oh, the pride
• Have a (great) profession
• Learn a (rare) skill
• Pursue a talent - solo music, art or individual sport
• Be a leader
• Get degrees and other formal qualifications
• Have a (special) hobby
• Collect something (rare)
• Be really good at our job

Love & Connection

All you need is love
- John Lennon

• Play team sports
• Join a club
• Go to spiritual gatherings
• Join a community group
• Be in a relationship
• Have children
• Teach
• Be a leader
• Have friends
• Help others
• Volunteer
• Have a party or go to a party
• Go out on a date or with friends
• Keep in touch by email, phone or Skype
• Send birthday/holiday cards to family and friends
• Spend time on social media sites and grow your circle(s) of "friends"
• Go to (or organize) family gatherings

If we can direct the difficult people to fill their highest need tank or create the circumstances that fill it for them, their demands will decrease. Our aim is to reach a point where the level of the difficulty is not so severe that others avoid their company. Remember, their difficult behavior creates a cycle of avoidance, which makes it even harder for them to notice and learn the social cues. We have to bring them back into society and interaction, because they will just keep doing everything they can, even if it is not comfortable to others, to fulfill their needs.

If you are a difficult person (at least in someone's view), I hope this series was helpful for you and you will now begin of a new life where others do not avoid your company. If you are helping a difficult person, I hope the tips here were helpful for you to support and help with grace.

As I said at the beginning, if you are aware of your difficulties, you can get help from a professional and you can get help from someone who loves you. Remember, you cannot force loved ones to help you. They need to be willing and they need to have the emotional stamina to be able to help you.

Your third option is to get a mentor - someone who is not close to you who is willing to stick around and help you go through this process. With awareness and persistence, the sky is the limit.

Happy life,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person
• How to Manage Difficult People: What They Really Need

Difficult behavior is always a sign that there is an unfulfilled need. Most of the time, everybody focuses on the desires the difficult people express and not on their needs, while the difficult people are so stuck on what they want that they are not at all in a position to fulfill their own needs.

That can be changed by you helping them find what they need and by helping them get it.

The following technique was developed by observing 2- and 3-year-old kids. At the age of 2, they start with the question phase. Here is a typical discussion I have had with my own children and many kids I have worked with.

"What's this?"

"It's a card game?"

"What's a card game?"

"It's a pack of cards with things printed on them that we use to play a matching game".

"What's a matching game?"

"It's a game where you have two cards that look exactly the same and you have to find them out of all the cards".

"Why do we have to play a matching game?"

"It's good for our brain. We learn to recognize things that are the same and others that are different".

"Why is it good for our brain?"

And this conversation can go on forever if I could manage answering questions forever. The trick is always to answer calmly. It is a game, a very healthy game, and children learn a lot from it. You could say that this type of questioning is difficult behavior, but I think it is your reaction that makes it a learning experience or a difficult behavior. If you answer calmly, it is a learning experience. If you answer with anger, it becomes a difficult behavior.

It is the same with adults. They need to learn something they do not know (yet). They need to learn what their needs are, and only then, they can fulfill them.

One of the best tips is to ask them "Why?" and "What?" These questions may not trigger the right answer and most of the time they will be puzzled by this, but if you keep asking even when they do not answer you, the answer will come from within.

Difficult people are not easy to manage, but they are not stupid. If you ask, "Why are you behaving like this?" or "What will happen if we do it differently?" enough times, they will start asking themselves these questions. Generally, our motives are not very clear to us. Most of us do not know why we behave the way we do, which is not that much of a problem, because we watch other people's reactions to us and learn that this is not a good strategy. But difficult people cannot read that their behavior is uncomfortable to others so they need to learn their motives in order to stop it.

The "Why?" and "What?" questions function as "Stop & think" signs and force people to go into hidden places and find the reason for this behavior.

A conversation with an "expert" would go like this (remember, the questions are genuine, not sarcastic. They are calm and kind):

"Tell me, Mark, why do you have to tell everyone that you know everything about property?"

"Because I do know everything about property".

"I know that you know lots about property. Why is it important that everyone else knows it?"

"So they can ask me questions if they need to".

"Why do they need to ask you questions?"

"So they can buy the right property".

"What happens if they buy a property without asking you?"

"They will make a mistake and regret it?"

"What happens if they make a mistake and regret it?"

"They will blame me for not giving them the right advice".

"Why would they blame you if they didn't ask you in the first place?"

Remember, the answer does not matter. You need to keep asking until the difficult person gives up. When they give up, it is a sign they have learned something about themselves and their motives.

Here is another example of a conversation with a Dinosaur:

"Tell me Jill, why do you always talk about the past as if it was the best thing?"

"Because I think it was better in the past".

"I can understand that there are some things that were better in the past. Why do you have to repeat it again and again?

"I don't repeat it again and again. We talked about something and I shared my opinion".

"Why are you trying to convince everyone that everything that's happening in our time is not good and that the old way of doing things is the right way?"

"Because I think it is the right way".

"I know that you think that. What would you get if everyone thought exactly like you?"

"Maybe I wouldn't have to convince them".

"Why do you want to convince them?"

"I want them to be able to see that modern things are not better".

"And what would they do if they saw that modern things were not better?"

Again, the idea is to keep the conversation, to keep asking "Why?" and "What?" - "What do you get by..." and "What if..." or "What if not...".

When using this technique, do not be tempted to tell the other person that others do not feel comfortable with his or her behavior, because this will trigger their defense mechanism and will not allow the difficult person to examine his or her motives. Telling difficult people that everyone thinks they are difficult may be the truth, but it is not helpful. A person in denial will not be impressed by it and start blaming everyone else for his or her own behavior.

A good conversation is a conversation that leads to one of the 4 needs, something like "I want to feel that someone needs me", "I want to feel important", "I want to make the conversation interesting and fun" or "I just want to feel safe".

Remember, be like a child that asks without judgment. Ask in a curious way. Ask to know what is going on in this person's head and never ever use sarcasm in your questions. Sarcasm is a form of violence and when you use it, you become a difficult person yourself.

Examples of sarcastic questions:

• "Do you really think anyone cares that you know a lot about property?"
• "Why do you think anyone cares about your knowledge in science?"
• "Who do you think considers your behavior funny?"

Notice that sarcastic questions are not questions, although they have a question tone at the end. They judgmental statements disguised as questions.

If this is a child, this process is even easier. Children answer without many filters.

"Chloe, why did you make fun of Sarah?"

"She didn't play with me in the playground".

"Why didn't she play with you in the playground?"

"She went to play with her cousin".

"Why did she want to play with her cousin?"

"I don't know".

"Were you disappointed she went to play with her cousin?"

"Yes. She always plays only with me".

"Do you like playing with Sarah?"

"Yes, but not when she's not playing with me".

"Why do you like playing with Sarah?"

"She is my best friend".

"What happens if Sarah sometimes wants to play with someone else?"

"Then I'm by myself in the playground and it's not fun".

This conversation easily directs towards, "What can you do to feel better in the playground when Sarah is playing with someone else or when she is sick?" which will fill up the tank of love and connection.

Many parents, while helping a difficult child, fall in the trap of stating their conclusion, something like, "So you made fun of Sarah because you were jealous", which I think is unnecessary. These parents say, "I want her to be able to see the connection between the two. She needs to understand that she's made fun of Sarah as a result of her jealously". True, there is value in understanding this, but it is better to focus on the missing need, i.e. having someone to play with when her best friend is not there, and not on the "bad" behavior.

Generally, focusing on the negative behavior makes it grow. It is better to focus on the good behavior and if there is no good behavior, focus on fulfilling the need.

Using questions, it is also important to explore the difficult child's (or person's) own solution, rather than giving advice, because the real aim of the conversation is empowerment of the other person.

Join me next week for learning about the holistic approach to helping difficult people fill up their need tanks.

Happy times,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person
• How to Manage Difficult People: What They Really Need
• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach

Now that you understand the missing feeling that difficult people are searching for, you are probably asking yourself, "What do I do to give it to them?"

One of the biggest challenges of helping and supporting difficult people is the fear that giving them what they want will make them think their obnoxious behavior is a good strategy of getting what they want and it will only make things worse. I have heard this claim millions of times when working with children - "If a child is behaving in a bad way and you give him what he wants, he learns that this is a legitimate way to get what he wants".

Well, that is not the case.

Focus on needs, not desires

There is a big difference between giving children what they say they want and giving them what they need. Much like difficult people, children do not know that they behave the way the do to fulfill a need. If they knew, they would give themselves that thing without the difficult behavior.

If you focus on giving them what they need, then after a while, when the need is fulfilled, they will calm down and ease their demands. I am not saying, "Give them what they want", I am saying, "Give them what they really need". Give them what they are missing, because they do not know how to give it to themselves and may not even know what it is.

When you are afraid that giving difficult people what they want will make things worse, you are focusing on their desires, not on their needs. You are focusing on what they say they want and not on what they are truly missing. After all, if they knew what they needed and could give it themselves, they would not be difficult in the first place.

Think of a need as a tank. We all have four tanks of needs - certainty, variety, significance and love & connection - and when people behave in a difficult way, it is a sign the tank is not filled up to the buoy. Each tank has a size, shape, a buoy and a substance to put in it. The properties of the tank depend on our character traits, upbringing and circumstances in life. No two people, not even twins, have the same size and shape tanks.

When you make the decision to help someone with his or her needs, there are 3 risks involved that could backfire and make the relationship more problematic:

1. Thinking your way is the right way
2. Blaming or taking blame
3. Thinking that helping gives you extra rights

One size does not fit all

If you find yourself judging someone for their "empty tank", you send a message that all tanks must be the same and there is something wrong with the difficult person's tank. This will only increase the need and make things worse.

Judgment is not a solution. Avoid judgment at all costs! Your size tank and how empty or full it is does not mean yours is right and theirs is not. It only means you are in a better position to help.

Do not confuse responsibility with blame

Sometimes, when you decide to help a difficult person, your desire to help them crosses boundaries and you may feel that it is your responsibility (this is particularly true when you are the parent or the boss). Many who deal with difficult people think that there is something wrong they must be doing to make the other person behave that way. This is confusing taking responsibility with taking blame.

Blaming yourself for someone else's behavior interferes with your ability to help. The blame game is not healthy at all, so if you want to help and you think you can help, do it without taking any blame on yourself.

Also, make sure not to allow the difficult person to use your help to start their own blame game. Difficult people are in denial and they tend to blame others for their own problems. They might tell you they behave in an obnoxious way because of something you have done, said or have not said, so be very careful, because this makes for an abusive relationship and puts both sides in needy positions.

Helping someone does not make you superior

The other side of the blame game is feeling power over the difficult person and abusing this power. When you understand that difficult behavior is a sign of weakness, there is always the risk of using this understanding and knowledge to gain power over the difficult person, possibly for revenge.

As I said, being around difficult people is not easy and can be very energy consuming. Those who cannot take the easy way of avoiding the presence of a difficult person have a build-up of anger, resentment, discomfort and, in extreme cases, inadequacy. This may lead to desire for revenge when helping the difficult person.

Revenge is an unhealthy feeling that could turn you into an angry and difficult person yourself. Remember, when you are angry, you cannot help! To be able to give patience, kindness and love, you must have enough of them to share and revenge only empties your tank.

Another person's weakness does not make you stronger. That is only an illusion and that may backfire, make your relationship worse and consume more energy from you than before. If you decide to help, help with grace!

Join me next week for the most effective way to help a difficult person - a holistic approach to helping difficult people fill up their need tanks.

Happy times,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: What They Really Need
• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach

Needs are a complex issue. They are feelings that are so strong that you believe you cannot live without them. Each person's needs are very individual, but they definitely get them out of control. If you can control a need, it is no longer a need but more of a preference.

Many people confuse wishes, desires, preferences, values and needs. Although they all have something in common, they differ in intensity.

Try this activity to understand the difference between them:

• Make a list of 10 things you wish. Start each sentence with "I wish..." and include things you want, but do nothing to achieve. For example, "I wish I had time off to go see my new nephews who live overseas".
• Make a list of 10 things you want. Start each sentence with "I want..." and include concrete things you actually intend to achieve. For example, "I want to go on a cruise during the next school holiday".
• Make a list of 10 things you prefer. Start each sentence with "I prefer... and state two options, one of which you find better than the other. For example, "I prefer a cruise that leaves from the Gold Coast to one that leaves from Airlie Beach".
• Make a list of 10 things that are important to you and that you value. Start each sentence with "It's very important for me to..." and include things that help you make decisions and prioritize your life. For example, "It's very important for me to have dinner with my kids every evening".
• Make a list of 10 things you need and must have in your life. Start each sentence with "I need..." and include things you cannot compromise on. For example, "I need to get 8 hours of sleep every night".

If you look at your own lists, you will find that needs create a small sense of panic. They make you think something like, "I must have/do this or..."

Or what?

If you have a discussion or an interaction with a difficult person and you feel their demands are a bit too strong and that they are having a little panic about their request, ask them, "What will happen if you don't get it?" or "What will happen if things don't happen the way you want them?" or "What's the worst thing that can happen?"

This question creates a loop in their brain and the answer does not matter. Their subconscious will answer itself and lower the difficult person's tension from "I absolutely must have it" to "OK, well, I won't die without it, so maybe it's not the end of the world after all".

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Abraham Maslow presented the basic human needs as a hierarchy that we fulfill gradually as we evolve and develop. We need to satisfy our basic needs and only then can we focus on other things.

Not all feelings can be easily analyzed based on these needs, partly because they mix physical and emotion items (like sex) and because the order of fulfillment in real life does not match the hierarchy. Anthony Robbins separated the emotional areas from the physical and reworked them into 6 needs, of which 4 are more basic than the others.

All people have 4 basic emotional needs that they will do anything, and I mean anything, to get. A need is something we think we must have and this is why we will do anything to get it, even if that thing is not good for us, not healthy, is going to get us into trouble and might ruin our life. That is why it is a need - a small panic attack about losing something we think we cannot live without.

Difficult people cannot satisfy some emotional need they think they cannot live without by themselves, which is why they are so "needy".

The Top 4 Emotional Needs

• Certainty - A sense of security, safety and comfort in the world
• Variety - A sense of change, interest and adventure
• Significance - A sense of uniqueness, individuality and being special
• Love & Connection - A sense of acceptance, belonging and support

You can take every behavior and map it to these four needs. Remember, difficult people have a missing feeling that they "must" fulfill. When you are managing a difficult person, instead of judging them (which will get you nowhere), ask yourself "What is the feeling he/she is missing? Is it Certainty, Variety, Significance or Love & Connection?"

Mapping difficult behavior to needs

1. Exhibitionists - since they want people to see them and pay attention to them by being different, they are missing significance.
2. Experts - wanting acknowledgment for their knowledge and abilities it is a sign they are missing significance. An expert wants to be special and is looking for recognition.
3. Jokers - those who do it for the fun, probably need variety, but jokers, particularly those who are sarcastic, are missing a feeling of significance.
4. Hijackers - they can have more than one missing need. They may try to have some connection with others and compel others to stay in contact with them. They may lack significance and try to be in the center. They may even certainty and satisfy their need by controlling the conversation and sorting out their thoughts and issues in others' presence.
5. Party poopers - negativity and complaining can be done to fulfill one or two needs. It can done to express a lack of certainty ("The world is not functioning the way it should be and I must protest about it") or to gain significance ("I am unique, I am different to you, you are all having fun without me and I am miserable").
6. Devil's advocates - they try to stick out from the crowd, which means they need significance.
7. Puppies - these people need others' approvals and will do anything to gain love & connection.
8. Dinosaurs - they are afraid of new things, they want things to stay the same and variety threatens them. What they seek is certainty.
9. Hostile - these people lack certainty too. Any state of war is a sign that this person is not secure and perceives the situation as being unsafe and unstable.
10. Nitpickers - they behave this way for one or a mix of two missing feelings. The first one is certainty. They need life to follow the rules and procedures in order for them to function. If things are not the way they need to be, they have little panic attacks and nitpick to make others follow the same guidelines and keep life secure and stable. The other missing feeling can be significance. They may be nitpicking to show how knowledgeable and special they are.
11. Show offs - they are usually not satisfied with the level of their achievements and they need others to tell them that they are achievers, so they need significance.
12. Non-stick or Teflon-coated - these people are afraid of change and prefer stability and security. They behave the way they do to gain certainty and minimize risk.
13. Shy - much like the Teflon-coated, they do not want to take risks. They prefer the safe approach and search for certainty. When others rush to their aid and speak for them, it also makes them feel supported, which is a form of love & connection.
14. Astronauts and Loners - they have a smaller tank of love and connection and they gain certainty and significance from doing their own thing. They may also gain variety from daydreaming in the midst of a life that bores them.
15. Competitors - they behave that way for one or a mix of two reasons. Sometimes they seek variety and adventure. They like a competition for the excitement of the competition. However, if winning matters to them more than anything else, they want significance.
16. Troublemakers - these people seek attention. They can do it from lack of love & connection or lack of significance.
17. Gossips - they usually feel weak and use information as a weapon to gain significance. Sometimes, they use that information to gain love & connection too, if they think it will make the person they gossip with like them more.
18. Two-faced or Vague - these people are have a false belief that if they change their position to what they think the other person wants to hear, they will be more accepted. Their behavior seeks love & connection. If they have grown up in a bullying environment, they may be trying to avoid punishment and gain certainty.
19. The "special one" - any desire to be special is a sign that this person is lacking a sense of significance.
20. Approval seekers - these people want others to like them and approve of their behavior. They seek love & connection with the false belief that others can give them that feeling.

Join me next week for some ideas to help a difficult person and tips on how to give a difficult person what they need.

Have an easy, fulfilling day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person
• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach

While they behave in a way that aims to achieve this feeling, others feel uncomfortable and awkward around them, stay away from them or react in an aggressive way towards them, so they feel bad and miss that feeling even more. The problem is not with them missing a feeling but that they try to get that feeling in a way that others do not like. Sometimes, their behavior seems like they are unable to read social cues or they do not follow the unwritten rules of normality.

Rules of normality

Personally, I have an allergy to the concept of normality. I believe it is overrated and sometimes confused with majority or average. However, I still think there are socially acceptable rules in every group and that following them will give you an advantage, while not following them will make you a social outcast.

As a special education professional who works with lots of social outcasts that are not normal/average/the majority, I wish our society would be more tolerant towards different people. Yet, while helping them, I spend most of my energy teaching them the "rules of the game", instead of protesting the closed mindedness of society.

Yes, we need to create a more accepting society, but when we need to face the day-to-day challenges of living with a difficult loved one, changing a whole society is way more challenging than changing one person.

The missing feeling

The most effective way to help someone who is behaving in a difficult way is to search for the missing feeling. Ask yourself, "What is he or she trying to get?"

It is very important to understand that we all do things that we believe will give us something. Even if a difficult person does something that is unkind to others, their aim is not to be unkind, but to get some emotional benefit for themselves. So do not be tempted to say, "He wanted to be rude", "She wanted to show off ", "He just doesn't like people" or "She likes to gossip".

Instead, try to guess what he or she was trying to gain. Ask yourself, "How would being rude make him feel better?" or "How would showing off make her feel better?" Remember, our behavior is never against others but always to our own advantage or at least perceived advantage. Although what they do is unpleasant for others, we need to focus on what the difficult person is trying to gain.

The reason that finding the missing feeling is so crucial is that telling a difficult people off or avoiding their company only makes their behavior worse.

It is very natural that people cannot fulfill their own needs. Sometimes, we do not have the knowledge, the skills or the emotional capacity to do it. It does not mean we did not try, it only means we were not successful.

Difficult people give up trying to satisfy their own needs after a while and start putting pressure on others to give them what they are missing. Just like you would not be angry with someone in a wheelchair for being unable to walk, try to accept difficult behavior as a form of social or emotional disability.

Difficult people cannot behave differently. If they could give themselves the missing feeling, they would have done it long ago. I believe that those who are close to them can help them a lot and this can only be done with patience, confidence and grace.

I can understand when people say to me, "I don't have any more patience". I feel the same sometimes, but there is lots of power in consistency. Their awkward behavior is a way for them to beg you to prove to them they are OK, loved, appreciated, respected, accepted... Being angry with difficult people, avoiding them or telling them off will not give them what they want. It will only remind them how much they are missing.

Think about it this way: if they are missing a feeling of achievement, it is better to give them what they need and the need will decrease. It is like a tank in a car that needs fuel. Each tank has a gauging buoy and just like different cars have different size fuel tanks, people have different size needs and their buoys are in different places. When the tank is full, there is no problem and the car can keep going for a long time. When the tank is empty, the car will start to beep and flash lights to tell you to fill up the tank.

Difficult people are the same. They have an "empty tank" of the feeling they are missing and they are desperately signaling for you to fill up their tank. For some reason, they cannot see what they can do to fill up their own tanks, so they need an external person to do it for them.

The most common expression about difficult people is that they have a bottomless tank. "It does not matter what I do, he/she is still difficult". Yes, I know it may feel that way, but it is only because you do not know how much they need to fill up.

Another common expression is, "How can I tell what they need?" True, if you do not know what they need, it will be hard for you to guess.

To get the guesswork out of the equation, join us next week for the basic human needs. With them, you will be able to map out every behavior into simple categories and narrow down the overwhelming feeling you have when trying to manage difficult people.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach
• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person

Usually, we call others "difficult" when we find them hard to deal with. Although we find it hard to deal with them, this does not make them difficult people. Sometimes, the combination between people highlights their difficulty, so to make sure that the difficulty is not just a conflict between the two of you but something general, check that this behavior is a pattern that appears in this person's communication with others as well.

If more than three people think they have a dysfunctional relationship with this person, and for the same reasons, it is usually a sign that the problem is with the difficult person and not with the combination of both of you. If others share mixed impressions of that person, we should take a closer look at our particular interactions with him or her.

For us to consider someone as difficult, we also need to make sure that the behavior is not temporary but consistent. We all have times when we show off, we all joke sometimes and even say something sarcastic, but it does not make us difficult. Usually, it needs to happen consistently over a period to be considered a problem. If someone is suddenly difficult, he or she is not a difficult person - they are just experiencing a temporary challenge they cannot handle. In that situation, maybe there is something we can do to help them.

Here are types that can be mistaken for being difficult and we need to be careful before considering them difficult.

1. Exhibitionists - We would not call popular people "difficult" just because they are popular. Real exhibitionists are not popular, which is why they try to become popular in ways that make others like them even less.
2. Experts - It is important not to confuse between smart and knowledgeable people that are generous with their expertise and those who push their expertise even when they are not asked for it.
3. Jokers - Funny people are not necessary difficult. Some funny people know when it is time to laugh and when it is time to be serious. Dysfunctional jokers use their humor to avoid emotionally challenging situations and keep cracking jokes even at very inappropriate times.
4. Dinosaurs - Not every old-fashioned person who keeps tradition and does things the old way is a difficult person. There is much to learn from elders and they can be kind and wonderful mentors if they practice some flexibility and generally avoid judgment. I have had a chance to meet some elders in my leadership programs and thought they were graceful and open-minded. Young people can be dinosaurs too if they stick to what they know and defend it while keeping their mind closed to new ideas.
5. Show offs - It is important to distinguish between people who are proud of themselves and show offs. While proud people tell about their successes and achievements when the conversation is around the topic of their success, show offs do it constantly and not necessary in relation to the topic of conversation.
6. Shy - It is very natural for people to be reserved a bit in new company, so do not judge them in situations where they are totally new and with lots of new people. Not everyone can approach strangers, extend their hand and say, "Hi, I'm Yvonne", but there is nothing wrong with them. This is only a problem when it starts affecting their daily life.
7. Astronauts and loners - We all want to be alone sometimes. We all want to let go sometimes and do nothing at all, but it does not make us difficult. It makes us human. It becomes a difficulty when this desire takes over our life and disturbs our relationships with others.
8. Competitive - Some competition is healthy and can be a motivator for some people. It becomes a difficulty when we feel we must win and are devastated when we come in second. It becomes a problem when we win and forget that losing person has feelings too and view people as "winners" or "losers".
9. Gossips - Be careful not to consider every talk about others a bad thing. If you talk about others when they are not around, but you say good things about them, this also does not make you a difficult person. It makes you wise and kind.
10. Two faced or Vague - Some people do not explain themselves properly because of language and/or culture differences. People who speak another language have unusual vocabulary and accent that might make what they say seem unclear or vague. It makes it difficult to understand them, but does not make them difficult people.
11. The "special one" - We all have a desire to be unique. This is natural and common. We become difficult when we stick out in a bad way or when the desire to be unique overrides the desire to be in good relationships with the people around us.
12. Approval seekers - We all want the people who love us to approve of our behavior and reassure us that we are loved and appreciated. It becomes difficult when we demand this approval and when we increase it from an occasional desire to a strong need.

Join me next week to find out why difficult people become difficult. In the meantime, I would love to read about your discoveries of difficult people around you.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach
• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, "Am I difficult that way?" and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Show offs

These are people that constantly tell you about their achievements and successes, their wisdom and their abilities. When you are next to them, they tell you the same victory stories over and over again, as if they are trying to convince you they are great.

Being around a show off increase our feeling of inadequacy. I had a friend that told everyone about how much she spent on every item she bought and how expensive it was, saying, "I bought this dress for $700. Wow, it was so expensive". At first, I was happy for her, but after a while, I could not stop thinking I could buy more than 7 dresses for the same price. I think I was exhausted, because it was hard for me to manage my feelings of jealousy.

Non-stick or Teflon-coated

Nothing seems to stick to these. They seem like they do not have an attachment to anyone or any particular agenda. You cannot fight with them, but you cannot get close to them either. They always keep their distance and only the few people closest to them know who they really are.

From the outside, they seem like they are everyone's friends, yet no one really knows them. They seem like they do not have problems, desires or heartaches and this seems unreal. It is very hard to connect with a "Teflon-coated" person.

Shy

These people are afraid to express themselves and prefer to observe others rather than participate. They do not function well when they meet new people. Usually, those who are close to them manage them well, because they only tend to be shy around new people. So shy people are only a problem in a new setting, when you need them to step up and express themselves.

Astronauts and Loners

These people behave like they prefer to be in space, dreaming and are not aware of what happens around them. They do not remember what you ask them, they do not pay attention to things and, much like shy people, prefer not to engage with others but to be on their own. It is problematic when they are kids and they need to pay attention or when they are in a relationship and their partner feels rejected because of their desire to be on their own.

Competitive

These people think that every conversation, communication and social interaction is an opportunity to win. They always try to do things faster or better than others do and they do not cooperate, even when that hurts their relationships.

Another form of competition is being sneaky and always setting traps for others in a subtle way that is hard to recognize. Being around a competitive person does not allow you to be yourself or be natural in your reactions and that is very tiring, so people try to avoid being around people who are competitive.

Troublemakers

These people cause problems to others or get themselves in trouble constantly. They are in trouble at school, with friends, with teachers and with various authorities. They are not aware of the toll their actions puts on others. They get into trouble with authority and keep escalating it. Around them, you always feel you need to fix the damage they have done, so most people try to avoid troublemakers and are very concerned and upset when they must associate with them.

Gossips

These people talk about others behind their back. They use information as a weapon against others. They usually use it in a bad way and talk badly about others when they are not present. Gossips create disharmony and conflict where it would not be otherwise. They like adding information they hold to stir up a gathering and bring others into the "who knows the most" game. They will tell people what others have said about them and they will add some of their own stories to make things "juicier". People do not like hanging around gossips, because they know that if they gossip about one person today, tomorrow they may gossip about them too.

Two-faced or Vague

You never know what these people think. They are unclear about what they think or feel and keep their options open to shift their position due to pressure. When you talk to them one day, they say one thing, and when you talk to them another day, they say something totally different, so you constantly feel confused around them. People feel uncomfortable around two-faced or vague people. When you finish a conversation with them, you are not sure you know what they have said or where they stand, which makes it impossible to rely on them.

The "special one"

These people will do anything to be different and special, even if it means doing it in a bad way. They will show off, talk badly about others or put others down in order to stick out. The special ones cannot build rapport with others. Since rapport means finding some common ground to connect with other people, the special ones consider this a threat to their uniqueness. When you hang around a "special one" for a long time, you feel you have nothing in common. People often stop talking about themselves around "special ones" to stop their self-centered talk, but it does not help them.

Approval seekers

These people are a mixture of many difficulties. They totally depend on others and need others to affirm all of their actions, thoughts and even feelings. They constantly ask you to tell them they are loved, kind, smart, talented or capable. They use others to encourage them and support them.

In extreme cases, they test the boundaries of their relationships by being rude or aggressive and asking you to tell them they are still loved. They will do something selfish and ask you to tell them they are kind.

The main difficulty with seeking approval is that it is addictive. The person seeking approval is never satisfied and only wants more and more of it. Usually, being the person they seek approval from is very heavy and demanding. They usually seek approval from someone who cares for them and loves them and their demands make it harder to care for them and love them.

Approval seekers are very needy. Around them, you have to be strong and encouraging at all times, to put aside your own life and if you do not approve of something, they increase the demand for it. It is very difficult to be strong and encouraging all the time, put your own needs aside for too long and be approving of everything they do, so people give up on them with resentment.

Join me next time to explain what difficult people are not.

Have a great day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach
• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person

There are many types of difficult people. Some of them are similar and all of them try to overcome some kind of fear or use their behavior as a mechanism to fulfill a need.

The first step in managing difficult people is to recognize the type of difficulty, whether it is within yourself or others.

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, "Am I difficult that way?" and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Types of difficult people (1-10)

Exhibitionists

People that do things to be seen by others and to be in the spotlight. Their desire to be front and center and receive recognition may cause others to feel embarrassed and try to avoid their company.

Experts

People who like to be perceived as knowledgeable in a specific area. Whenever there is a discussion about the topic of their expertise, they expect others to consult with them only and if others dare to ask someone else, the expert feels insulted. People do not like being around experts, because they push their expertise rather than being kind about it.

Jokers

People who make jokes all the time. They are never serious, even when it is required or commonly expected. They think everything is funny and when you tell them things that are dear to you and they make fun of it too, you tend to avoid telling them important things. It is hard to get support from a joker and people worry that they will be mocked when they reveal their inner fears and thoughts, so they just do not expect a joker to help them.

An extreme version of a joker is the sarcastic person, who is a critic in disguise. He is constantly judging others, but hides his judgment in the form of a funny statement. Sarcasm is a form of violence and people do all they can to avoid being bullied by a sarcastic person.

Hijackers

People who are very self-centered. They are convinced the world revolves around them and they take every opportunity to say what they think and to divert conversations to suit their purpose. They do not know how to give a credit to others and take over every meeting or discussion. If you ask them a question, you risk them taking hours to reply and leaving no space for others to participate.

Hijackers do not respect other people's agenda and do not understand the concept of "the right time" to do or say things. Their timing is awkward and to others, it seems like hijackers cannot read social cues and do not have social skills.

Party Poopers

Negative people. They see faults everywhere, they complain a lot and instead of focusing on what works, what is good or what they can be grateful for, they talk about the bad things so much, it is hard to see the light around them. Party poopers are hard work and major energy consumers, so people try to avoid being around them so they can have some fun in life.

Devil's advocates

People that always position themselves as the opposite of what others say. They do not say it because this is what they believe in. They say it because they like they see it as a game. It is very exhausting to be around such a person, because you constantly need to prove your point and justify your thoughts, while in constant argument and conflict. A devil's advocate uses various methods to play this "game", including making the other person look bad, dishonest and insecure, putting them down, being sarcastic and being insensitive to other's need.

Puppies

Those who agree with everything and always get into trouble when there is a disagreement between parties and they have to choose sides or be honest about what they think or believe. Around puppies, you never know where you stand. When they agree with you, you never know if their agreement is genuine or not. They are subject to pressure and when you communicate with them, you always need to consider who is putting more pressure on them. If you let go, the pressure they have on them does not disappear.

Dinosaurs

People with an old and conservative mindset. They talk about the past with longing. They try to live in the past and put a lot of effort into trying to convince others that what happened in the past was better. It is hard to talk around them about new ideas, about progress and about moving forward.

Hostile

People who are in a state of war at all times. They are very defensive. They suspect everyone around them for trying to harm them, so they constantly have their shields up and attack. Everything around them seems like a threat and they try to defend themselves by being hostile and sending messages of "Don't mess up with me". Around hostile people, you are constantly careful not to say the wrong word, as if you are walking on eggshells.

Nitpickers

Being around these people feels like being pricked by needles. They follow rules religiously and are very busy with every little mistake others make. They correct other's spelling and speech and they use long explanations and long analyses that exhaust others. They use their ability to pay attention to details to gain advantage in their communication, but they usually miss the real point by paying attention to what is not important in the conversation. With nitpickers, you never wins and people do not like losing constantly, so they quickly give up on them.

Join me next time for 10 more types of difficult people.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach
• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person

I was a difficult child for my parents and they gave up on me. My teachers gave up on me and even my friends gave up on me. I needed lots of courage to go through self-reflection and recognize I was not an easy child, not an easy student and not an easy friend. Lucky me, I was only 16 years old when I realized that difficult people are very lonely, they are in lots of pain and no one around helps them, because they cannot take the risk of associating with them.

Difficult people do not have many friends because they are hard work. They usually stick to the group of people that have no choice but suffer their presence, like family, old friends and work colleagues. These people tolerate their presence, but start to resent them if they have to be with them for a long time. They will never initiate an interaction outside what they have to.

Every difficult adult was once a difficult child

At least, they had some difficulties that have made them develop those "difficulties" as a defense mechanism. Difficult children usually say, "No one wants to be my friend". Grownups change it to, "I don't need (many) friends", or, "They're stupid, anyway", because their social difficulty is already part of their identity and they cannot see themselves without it. If someone told them they were difficult, they truly would not understand what it made them say it. They do not recognize their difficulty as a problem, usually because it is not a problem for them but for others.

I believe that difficult people struggle to recognize and manage their own feelings. Much like a person with a learning difficulty, difficult people have an emotional or social disability. It is a cycle. Their challenges make them difficult, so others avoid their company, which makes their disability even worse. Their need for company and external sources makes them more difficult, so they get less help and support. It never ends.

It gets complicated in some situations, such as when there is more than one difficulty, when there is a clash between two difficult people and when the difficulties increase in frequency or intensity.

When I studied special education, one of my very inspiring teachers showed us that we all have some difficulties, although not all of them were "learning difficulties", because they did not apply in a school setting (like fear of heights). Nevertheless, they limited out abilities and made us struggle sometimes. I suspect that in some way, we all have emotional difficulties and maybe more than one, although I think many of them are connected. Grouping our challenges can help us greatly in finding solutions. Often, finding a solution to one problem helps us solve others.

When we are difficult and we communicate with difficult people, the conflict increases and the tendency to behave in a difficult way increases. Again, no one is difficult to annoy others, they are trying to achieve something for themselves and, they just do it in a way that is not useful or beneficial to the interaction, because they do not know any other way. In these situations, it is important to understand that throwing the responsibility on the other person is not a solution and only makes it worse, no matter who the "difficult" person is.

How to deal with social difficulties

There are some ways for difficult people to improve and learn to manage their emotions.

1. They can see someone that will help them manage their emotions, an "emotional tutor". This usually requires them to recognize they have a problem and pay a professional who is a total stranger (at first) that will not give up on them due to exhaustion. Professionals charge for their service, so this method can be expensive.
2. They can get help from someone who loves them dearly, who is dedicated and willing to stick with them until they learn to manage their emotions. This is not an easy request when we are talking about a partner or a friend and works much better in a parent-child relationship. A parent will stick with a difficult child the more than any other person.
3. They can get a mentor that will help overcome the challenges of communication and of relating to others. Again, like going to a professional, the person must first recognize that they have a problem and that other people stay away from them not because the other people have a problem but because he or she is making it hard to associate with them. Usually, the mentor is someone they admire and appreciate and they will follow their instructions more readily. It is not easy to find a mentor who will to give their time freely, but sometimes, a distant family member, a family friend, a teacher or a community leader can do it with grace and kindness.
4. They can immerse themselves in personal development, meditate, think, reflect, read and do the hard work on their own. This requires lots of determination and ability to be honest with yourself. I believe this is the longest and hardest method, but it is the best one, because every realization in this method is strong and can give the "difficult" person power to control his or her own life.

This series is for everyone who thinks he or she may be considered "difficult" by others, as well as for those who must be around "difficult" people and look for ways to manage their relationship (usually, those who do not have to be will not bother). Teachers will benefit from this series, because they deal with difficult children every day. Parents will benefit from this series, because they have the strongest incentive to help their own children (remember, kids do not become difficult for the fun of it - they develop this behavior as a way to manage their emotions and if you do not help them change this pattern as the only person in the world who will stand by them for a long time, they might grow up to be difficult and miserable grownups).

So first, I want to recommend you do some self-reflection. If you find some of your difficulties below, seek help, as that will change your life forever. Even if you are convinced you are an easy person to deal with and the problem is with other people, working on yourself, on your emotional intelligence and your confidence, will help you help others.

In the coming weeks, I will talk about what difficult people are not, the types of difficult people, why people give up on them, what makes them difficult and how to manage your own difficulties and those of the difficult people around you.

Easy times,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach
• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person