In a book called The Lonely Crowd, David Riesman wrote in 1950 that people could be split into two groups. He said that the inner-directed person "has a trustworthy character and builds his life on the stability and security of his family. Usually, he believes in the Judeo-Christian faith". The other-directed person, on the other hand, is "dependent on the approval of others, especially experts. They are consumed by a quest for personal happiness, so that ... anything becomes permissible if it makes me happy".

Yes, this is an old book, but I read this quote this morning in a much newer book on personal power and relationship skills, so the notion that our pursuit of happiness makes us selfish and self-centered is still very much alive today.

So what's the deal? Does personal happiness equate to selfishness? Does the search for personal fulfillment make us lonely?

"Pooh!" the bear snorted, "Again I say pooh!"
- The Big Brag, Dr Seuss

Being a selfish happiness seeker is like drilling for oil in your own back yard. No matter how much oil you find, the yard will never be the same, your house will stand out from the rest and none of your neighbors will remain your friends. It is like cutting down the trees in the Amazon and making a quick buck, but destroying the future of your children and their children.

Happiness is not the same as instant gratification. It is not the same as temporary joy, excitement, elation or even comfort. Happiness is a state of mind that permeates everything in your life. It must be sustainable.

If not, all we have left is the pursuit, and that makes for a very hard and disappointing life.

So how can you tell if your focus is on the right sort of happiness and that you are not wasting your time on becoming more and more self-centered and self-serving?

I suggest that whatever you do and whenever you have a decision to make about a course of action, you use the following questions:

1. Is it good for me?
2. Is it good for others?
3. Is it good for the Greater Good?

Those who stop after the first question may very well make selfish decisions that hurt them in the long run, hurt others and ruin the future. But those who keep going through the list and assign the same level of importance to all of the answers make decisions that will lead them to more and more happiness over time.

Notice that these questions are all based on your personal interpretation of what is "good", who are "others" and what is the "Greater Good". It really does not matter how you see each of these, the simple consideration of other people, future generations, some kind of a moral system and/or society in general will always yield better decisions with more sustainable outcomes.

You see, the world is a very (VERY) large mirror. What we see in the world is a reflection of what is inside us, at least in some way.

Let's say your life is stressful and you decide to go on a 6-week meditation retreat on a mountain in India. Your partner will have to take care of the kids and your family will miss you terribly, your customers will get no service for a long time and your business will suffer from this, which will later hurt your ability to provide for your family. Sure, it will make you happy, at least while you are meditating, but at what cost?

By realizing the effects on others, you could instead learn to meditate at home, spend some time every week doing Yoga, possibly with your partner and children. It may take you longer to relax fully and feel pure and healthy, but you will find a lot more support around you to sustain your journey.

One of the worst trends today is divorce due to one of the partners being unfaithful. Every couple's life involves pressure and even conflict. Finding a fresh person and satisfying our hunger for attention and love with them may be a quick and easy way to temporary happiness, but at what cost?

By realizing the effects on others and on us in the long run and by looking at our society and seeing what this trend is doing to it, you would see that taking personal responsibility for your actions and investing in your existing relationships is a more sustainable approach. After all, there is no guarantee the new person will keep making you happy for long either.

As a parent, you may be happy when your kids play quietly, particularly if others see this as testament of your good parenting. So if your little boy starts throwing things around, you may feel he is stealing your happiness and making you look bad. You can call him "naughty" and do your best to "discipline" him, but at what cost?

Although you may feel justified in "setting him straight", when he stops trusting you and avoids your company, your will regret your actions and may not be able to recover from them. Moreover, if you examine the behavior of other kids whose parents react in a harsh and self-centered way, you will realize your influence on the world in which your kids grow up. It can be a place full of "naughty" people who feel bad about themselves or a place of trust and respect for all.

By realizing that your best parenting asset is your child's faith in you, you could try to find out what troubles him and guide him towards peace of mind.

Similarly, many parents link their happiness to their children's academic performance. If your teenage girl's grades begin to drop, you can nag her to do her homework, tell her she is lazy, forbid her to go on Facebook and ground her for weeks. You may see yourself as providing order and proper priorities to your daughter at a time of hormonal unrest, but at what cost?

By realizing your support role in her life, you could make her feel safe enough to pour her heart out and tell you her boyfriend broke up with her, let her cry a little on your shoulder and reassure her you will always be there for her. This will teach her how to handle grief and disappointment and validate her emotions.

All too often, there is a conflict between our immediate satisfaction and our long-term happiness. That is just how life works. What is good for us right now is never just that. We are surrounded by people with different interests, beliefs and desires that still matter. And even the people who live far away often have some influence on us (like those clearing the jungle trees in Indonesia or those who make our clothes in China).

So practice asking the questions above. First, you will have to think about every answer carefully, but over time, it will become second nature, like riding a bike. And just like riding a bike, it will make you happy.

Have a great life,
Gal

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• More Control – Less Power
• Questions, Questions

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever
- Francois Mocuriac

People are social creatures. They live in groups, they need the groups and they rely on the groups to survive. This creates some dependency that no one likes. Yes, some people need friends more than others do, but living on our own, not seeing or being in contact with the outside world, would bring an end to human kind.

Friends and friendships are very important to all people, even to those who find it hard to admit, and what social skills we do not have naturally, we can develop.

In the past year, I have had many opportunities to talk and write about my successes. When I examined each of them, I realized that being a very social creature, loving people, understanding the way they function and using my good social skills were real assets to me.

Social skills - Nature or Nurture?

I have not always been a very friendly person. Not that I did not like company, but until the age of 16, I did not really understand the social rules I needed to live by. I had no friends, I got into frequent conflicts with the ones I did hang around with and I was lonely and miserable. My parents had no friends either, so I could not learn from them the right things to say and do around other people.

Then, I stopped reacting without thinking about the impact it has on my relationships and I learned that friendly people are happy people and that social skills can be learned.

Friend - a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection and loyalty
- Collins English Dictionary

I only had a chance to read "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie when I was 40 years old. It was not an easy read, but reading it triggered a mixture of happiness and sadness in me. Happiness that I had discovered all the things Dale Carnegie wrote in the book and sadness that circumstances had not brought this book into my life long before to save me the heartache and pain of discovering things the hard way.

I am sure there are many people who wonder, like I did, how life would have been if they knew the rules of social interaction. The more I think about it, the more I believe that it is parents' responsibility to teach their kids those skills. You cannot expect a disturbed 10-year-old or 14-year-old girl to go to the library, pick up Dale Carnegie's book and have the ability to implement it. I know many adults (too many, unfortunately) who read the book, or similar books, but that was not enough to teach them how to be friendly.

I have many clients that do not have a clue how to be friendly. They are lonely and prevent their families from being in social gatherings, because social interaction is a threat to them. Usually, they are unhappy and contribute greatly to the unhappiness of their entire family. When I talk to them about other people, they have strange interpretations for the way others behave. As social creatures, we learn to read behavior and people who are not friendly just cannot read others well enough. It is a cycle and its source is unknown. Is it the missing social skills that prevent them from hanging around others and therefore get little exposure to social interaction, or is it the lack of exposure that prevents them from developing their social skills and leads to avoiding people even more?

Some theories claim that social ability is genetic, while others consider it a learned skill. I tend to think it is a mixture of both and believe we need to focus on what we can do, rather than what we cannot do - every person can become a bit friendlier than he or she was in the past and therefore a bit happier than he or she would be otherwise.

Circle of friends

Although the number of friends is an indication to how friendly you are, it is also important to consider the level of friendship. One good way of realizing your social interaction is to do the circle of friends' activity.

Write your name in the middle, then write all those you consider friends and put them in the circle that matches how close are they to you. Consider their friendships in terms of how much you like them, how much they like you and how often you interact with them. The more close friends you have, the friendlier you are and the happier your life is.

The art of friendliness is the art of enjoying each other's company. If you like people, you want to spend more time with them. If they like you in return, they would like to spend more time with you. Liking each other means you are in a win-win situation - you both benefit from this interaction and your friendship will continue. If one of the sides is not happy with the relationship, it will bring friction, heartache and misery to both sides.

In any interaction, the goal is to benefit from the relationship and make sure the other person benefits from it too and would like to stay in this relationship. Our goal is to make the interaction pleasant to both sides.

Dale Carnegie talked about some basic techniques to win friends. He even thought they were fundamental to success in life through our ability to influence people. Read this list and examine your friendliness skills by rating your ability from 1-10.

• In your interaction with others, do not criticize. Criticism is the opposite of being friendly. It changes the balance between equal people to one considering himself/herself better. Do not confuse feedback with criticism. Criticism is always considering your point over the other.
• Do not condemn others for their actions and behavior. Again, this destroys the fine balance that is required in a pleasant interaction. When you condemn people, you are stating that there is right and wrong. This only proves you are not a close enough friend as you have no idea what would make this person behave the way he/she did.
• Do not complain. Complainers are not friendly by definition. The things they complain about are more important to them than the friendship and others do not like hanging around them for long. Complaining and being pleasant do not go hand in hand and the excuse that the complaint contributes to a better relationship does not convince anyone. Only a masochist will believe that in order to have a good relationship, they need to please the other person.
• Do not nag. Nagging is another way of criticizing, condemning and complaining. It is a sign you are not in an equal relationship. Nagging is a sign you think your opinion is superior and that you rather the other person do what you want even if it is done by force.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them
- Mother Teresa

• Give honest and sincere appreciation. The opposite of the first four behaviors that destroy the balance is to show and express appreciation. Say good things about your friend. Generally, saying good things about others (only if they are true) makes others consider you a friendly person that sees the good in others. Use praises at the beginning of your words and always be honest. If you are forced to show appreciation - it is not honest. If one person in your relationship demands appreciation, this changes the balance and forces one side to be dishonest, which is a sign of problems in the relationship.
• Avoid arguments. In any argument, there are two sides. Both of them are valid and no matter what happens, it will be a lose-lose interaction that no one would like to repeat. Argumentative people do not have many friends, because they are energy consumers and exhausting to spend time with. If you start an argument, consider the friendship and choose to lose the argument and not the friendship. If you feel you need to win an argument, you have already lost.
• Smile. People who smile seem very friendly. Smiling is a form of communication that attracts people. When you smile, it sends the other person an invitation to interact with you. When you frown, it labels you as a criticizing, complaining, unhappy person and makes others stay away from you. Friends subconsciously match your behavior. If you complain, they will tend to "play the game" with you, but when they are far away from you, they will feel uncomfortable with themselves and avoid hanging around with you.
• Use people's names. Everyone likes the sound of his or her name. I have seen people in networking events abuse this tip and when I hear my name for the third time in a short period, it turns me off. On the other hand, some people tend to talk to others without using their names at all. Remembering someone else's name is very important and it is better to ask, "Can you remind me of your name again?" than not to use the name at all (or to guess it incorrectly). With close friends, it is never an issue of remembering, but of making an effort to use it.

The best mirror is an old friend
- George Herbert

• Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves. In every interaction, measure how long you speak and how long the other person speaks. The one who speaks less is considered friendlier. In an interaction with others, there should be an equal share of contribution. Although it is not easy to use a stopwatch, it is good to be aware of who takes over the conversation. Those who take over the conversation usually consider the topic more important than the friendship and chase people away.
• When talking, talk about terms that are appealing to the other person. If you insist on talking about things that are of interest to you and not the other person, you lose your audience immediately. If you use vocabulary that the other person uses, the conversation is much easier. If you insist that the conversations include things that are of interest to you and that your goal is to convert the listener to your point of view, consider the interaction lost. Interaction is similar to playing ball. If one person holds the ball tight, there is no game.
• Be genuinely interested in other people. When you do listen and encourage others to talk, make it genuine and sincere. To show interest in people, you need to ask questions. If the questions are not sincere and you just wait for the other person to finish so you can have a say too, this will be easily picked up by the other person, create a problem of trust between you and they will say to themselves, "She really didn't want to know the answer, so why bother?"
• Make the other person feel important and special and be honest with it. Carnegie talked about honesty a lot. He thought that using his tips without really meaning it defeats the purpose of building social skills. The mechanics of showing interest in others and making another person feel special cannot be cheated. Either you think the other is special and important or you do not. You cannot fake it. If you talk to the other person as if there is nothing special about them, there is always the question of "Then why do you spend time with me?" Ask yourself, "Why do I want to be in this person's company?" and use the answer to tell this person what is special about them that makes them attractive to you. Saying, "Well, I didn’t have anyone else to talk to", is not a friendly thing to say. Be careful not to badmouth others to make your friends feel special. If you do that, it is risky to be your friend, because one day you might talk like that about them.
• Show respect to others' ideas and never tell them they are wrong! Every relationship is based on mutual respect. When you tell someone they are wrong, you are tipping the balance. It is your right to think and do things differently, but it is not your right to judge. People do not like being in a judgmental relationship.
• When a person is upset, do not talk negatively, only talk about the positive. Friends are there to help each other. If you talk negatively, you are not creating rapport but dragging your friend down. Do your best not to judge, not to offer explanations for why they are upset or what they could have done better to not be in that place. If they are upset, they do not need your judgment on top of it.
• Do not try to change your friend. Instead, try to see things from their point of view. In any relationship, there are conflicts. No two people do, act, say and treat things exactly the same way, but that does not need to come between friends. If you think a friend has done something that you consider inappropriate, strange or unkind, try to put yourself in his or her shoes. Friendship does not give you the right to change the other person but to understand them.
• Be courteous. This is strongly linked to respect and keeping the trust between people. If you feel you need to use information you have of other people to gain power, you are not a good friend and it will be hard for your to build this trust again.

I count myself in nothing else so happy as in a soul rememb'ring my good friends
- William Shakespeare

How to be friendly and happy

In some positions, you are in charge and need to lead others in doing things. It can be as a parent, as a manager or even within the scope of teamwork. People will follow and listen to those who lead with friendly behavior and will resent those who are not friendly.

1. Never point to other people's mistakes. If necessary, talk about the action, not the person. If there is a mistake that needs to be fixed, always make it look like it is not a big deal and it is easy to fix. If it is possible, talk about your own mistakes first. Always let the other person "save face". Shaming a person may make you feel strong, but it will attract resentment to you. A strong leader with no followers is not a leader.
2. If you do make a mistake, say, "My mistake, sorry". It makes you look human to those who work with you. Much like not making a fuss about the mistakes of others, make sure not to make a fuss about your own mistakes. Generally, focusing on mistakes is not a good social skill, so move on and talk about the good stuff.
3. Ask questions instead of giving orders. Use "Can you please bring me the letters" instead of "Bring me the letters, please". When it is asked as a question, it gives the other person the chance to say, "No, I can't right now. I am doing something else" instead of putting pressure on them to follow your orders even when they cannot.
4. Praise every improvement. Everyone likes to be praised and every time you praise, you are considered kind and friendly, as if you can read peoples' good motives and behavior. Give people a fine reputation to live up to.

The art of happiness is strongly related to our ability to connect with people and be friendly. Most of the big successes start with someone knowing someone who knows someone and the willingness to be friendly and help. I can tell you for sure that my successes have followed this pattern. Friends are like a big family and having a big family contributes to happiness.

Wishing you many friends and lots of happiness that comes with friendship,
Ronit

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Creativity is the art of making something new and original. We can expose our kids to making things from a very early stage and that will boost their self-confidence and their flexibility. The good thing about being creative is that it helps when you need to solve problems. Creative people are better problem solvers, because they are able to take a solution from one area of life and apply it in another area.

Children are in "learning mode" during most of their childhood. They try things, fail and learn and this grows their confidence. We all want to have creative children, so when they are not, before we start with the Genetics mantra ("He's not a creative child. Some people are born with it and some aren't"), we should examine our parenting style and how it locks or unlocks this creativity. Yes, there are people who are born with high creative potential, but I tend to think they need to be stimulated enough to actually reach a high level of creativity.

I think parents hold the keys to their children's creativity. No matter how genetically creative your child is, you can help them be more creative. Your attitude will determine if your children keep trying or label themselves as "not good with those things", which is worse than not being able to create.

Over the last 25 years, I have worked with thousands of children that talk about their ability to create in a bad way. You might think, "Well, maybe they discovered they were just not very creative", and I say"

You cannot discover you are just not good at creating. You can only be blocked from discovering that you are.

There are some parenting attitudes that do that to children, lock or unlock their creativity. Children get beliefs about their ability to create from their social agents - mainly parents, family members and teachers. As parents hold most of the influence and spend most of the time with the children in the early years, it is likely that they hold the key to kids' creativity.

Realistic creation

When children draw, paint or sculpt, as their fine motor skills are not very sophisticated and their desire is to make things colorful and fun, there is a 100% chance their creation will not be "realistic".

Parents who point out that a creation is not realistic block their children's creativity. If you say things like, "Where have you seen a man with green skin?", "This doesn't look like a rabbit" or "Does it make sense to you that the child is bigger than the house?", you might think you are teaching your kids something about life, but in fact, you are sending them a message that art and creation are only good if they look like real life.

If the great artists thought like you, they would never have created the most wonderful creations of all times. If the great inventors thought like you, we would still be in the Dark Ages with no technology or medicine.

To be creative, you have to come up with something new, something that has never been done or seen.

By being realistic, making everything look like real life, being logical and making sense, we block creativity.

The right way to create

Creativity has no right or wrong way. When my son, Tsoof started playing percussion, he was about 4 years old and played for hours every day. When he was 7, he had a teacher who was so focused on playing "right" that Tsoof stopped playing totally.

It took us a while to realize that playing at home stopped totally. Tsoof is a very creative child. He is 16 years old and dedicates his life to playing and writing music and I still remember the fear I had that his amazing talent would be gone because he hated that teacher and stopped playing for a while.

Children need freedom to experiment, experience and create. When they are under pressure, they cannot think clearly and cannot create at all. It is the same as other areas of life. If they read for fun, they will read a lot, but if they read under pressure "to read the right way", they will hate reading and stop.

If your child is creating something and you are too focused on the right way of doing it or on the right order of things, you miss the whole point of learning creativity. When your child plays a musical instrument and you tell them they played wrong, you block their creativity.

By thinking there is a right way and correcting your children when they cook, when they sing, when they build, when they play a musical instrument or when they draw, we block creativity.

Talent is genetic

Some parents believe that creativity is genetic and that you are either born with it or you are not. I think this is an invention by people who underestimate their creativity to help them feel better about their inability to be creative.

If you ask any highly creative person, they will tell you their talents would mean nothing if you did not pursue them, if you did not try, struggle, learn and practice.

Some parents think they help their child deal with disappointment when they say, "You can't expect yourself to be like Dave. He was born with this talent" or "You're not good at drawing. So what?" It is our role as parents to expose our kids' creative expressions, in hope that they find what they like and what they are good at. If we keep telling them they must be born with it, they will give up on looking for their creativity at a very early age. When things are hard, they will just say, "I'm not good at these things", and stop trying.

By talking about creativity as a genetic quality that cannot be developed, we blocks children from trying.

No mistakes allowed

The essence of creativity is the ability to try again and again and to borrow ideas from one area of life for use in another area. To reach success, we need to make lots and lots of mistakes before we come up with something that works.

Think of Thomas Edison. He was very creative and very determined and he could try again and again and again to perfect the light bulb, because he did not think that mistakes were bad things. He thought they were opportunities to learn.

Some parents are very rigid in their parenting style. They make a big fuss out of every "mistake" their children make and create painful associations with mistakes that make their children afraid to try.

If you examine those parents childhood, you will find that they have a painful association with making mistakes themselves and they think they are helping their children avoid this pain by not making mistakes. This is a very vicious cycle that must be stopped.

By associating original creation with the fear of making mistakes, we block creativity.

This is silly

Some parents think that every creation must be serious, practical and useful. But children create for the fun of creating. They do not expect their creations to be displayed in a museum and their inventions are not meant to save the world.

The way you treat their creations will determine your children's attitude towards being creative. If you think their silly, useless or there is nothing special about them, you are taking the fun out of creating them.

I remember 3-year-old kids at my childcare center not wanting to take their carton car creations home, saying, "Mommy will throw it away and I want to keep it". Give your children's creations the respect they deserve if you want them to respect themselves in life as they grow up.

I used to teach the 3-year-olds to sign their names on their creations "just like the greatest artists of all time" to help them respect themselves. If you have creative children and with lots of creations, you can come to an agreement that you take a photo or make a video clip of it before you throw it away "to make room for new creations".

By talking to kids as if their creations are silly or not serious enough, we block their creativity.

I bet Einstein's mother never told him his ideas were silly...

Every child can be creative if we help them unlock their creativity. You hold the key, so use it wisely.

Creative parenting,
Ronit

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And that is no way to live. It is not good for the parents and it is not good for the kids.

What happens in these situations is that the parents try to control their children. In fact, they try to control the fine details of what their children do, say and sometimes even feel. They tell themselves and anyone else who will listen how important it is to get all the answers on every assignment correctly. That is how they justify the hours of grilling their kids over homework. They explain the long-term impact of passing a basketball using the scientifically proven motion on their kids' sporting future. That is how they justify the yelling from the sidelines and the intensive drilling at home.

But how important are these things really?

Who are they really important to?

And what are the effects of this controlling behavior on the children, the parents and their relationships for the rest of their lives?

In parents' defense, I would say it is probably the way they were brought up themselves. I even think many are doing better than their parents did, considering the circumstances. They do not know another way (unless they have read enough of this blog).

In a strange way, by trying to control our children, we give them power over our levels of stress and our emotional wellbeing. By nagging, correcting and micromanaging them, we give THEM control over us. They simply use our obvious motivation to throw us to the mat and pin us down.

Ronit and I had a couple of good friends with a 5-year-old boy who refused to eat "good food". His mom begged, threatened and then offered a bribe. "If you eat your lunch/dinner/food, I'll buy you a big ice cream", she would promise. He would then say, "No, I want my ice cream first. I'll eat the food after". She would buy him the ice cream, he would eat it and then refuse to eat anything else. She would go absolutely nuts, but then do the same thing again the following day.

She was so eager to get him to eat some healthy food, she made a big deal out of it, so he leveraged it to get what he wanted every day and twice on Sundays (literally). She cared so much about how his eating habits reflected on her parenting quality, she put her little son in charge of her self-esteem.

This kind of situation is very scary for the child. It means the parent does not have a sense of priority and enough self-confidence to be in charge. Kids view their parents as almighty and being able to shake them so easily makes them unable to rely on the parents for their own security.

So what should parents do?

The secret to trading failure to control with real power involves developing a personal perspective, having clear priorities, focusing only on truly important things and assuming a coaching position.

How to develop a personal perspective in parenting

As always, start by finding a quiet time and place, then relax by taking a few long, deep, slow breaths. Once you are calm and your head is clear, imagine the last scene in which you tried to control your child and ended up pulling your hair out.

Freeze the scene, as if everyone in it suddenly turned into metal or stone (ice is too cold). Now, float out of your body and position yourself opposite the image of you. Take a good look at your face and your body language. It is very likely you will recognize a fear in yourself, which you have not been aware of, but seems to be the source of your pressure during the scene.

Ask yourself, "Why do I really want my child to do [whatever it was]? What was I afraid would happen if he/she didn't do it?"

In many interpersonal conflicts, at least one party considers their views universal and absolute. Often, by accepting them as personal preferences, the conflict goes away. In a struggle with your kids, it is important to realize that although you may believe you are doing what is best for them, you are always first and foremost serving your own interests. When you are afraid of something, you become defensive and uncompromising. That is just human.

Now ask yourself, "Realistically, if I said and did nothing that time, what is the worst thing that could happen?"

In our friend's case, her son would have become hungry over time without ice cream, which would have given her enormous power over him, because then he would have eaten anything she allowed him to eat. If only she overcame her fear for 30 minutes or so...

How to have clear parenting priorities

No matter how many times we ask parents this question and no matter how we present it to them, what parents want most for their children is happiness. They just want their kids to be happy. The rest is just ways to get there.

Now that you are calm and being honest with yourself, ask yourself, "Would my kids be happier if I taught them how to do everything right or if I let them experience life on their own?" Again, consider the most recent incident or perhaps the most common conflict with your kids for perspective.

As a minimum, children need to be healthy and safe. Beyond that, they need to be happy and learn how to stay healthy, safe and happy on their own. Anything we force them to do that serves another aim hurts everybody.

In our friend's case, the little boy became less and less secure and more and more defiant, searching for the point where his mother would finally provide a boundary for him. He was not happy, she was not happy and his father was not happy. A few years later, the couple split and the boy went to live with his dad.

How to assume a coaching position with your kids

Kids are just little people. They are people in the making. From the minute they are born, we need to treat them as individuals. They are not us. They are not part of us. They grow up in a different world and have different needs and different physical and psychological abilities and limitations.

If we deal with them to serve our own happiness, this will often result in conflict. They may not be able to explain it to us, but they can feel it.

But if we do our best to help THEM get what THEY want out of life (using age-appropriate methods, of course), there will be fewer conflicts, our kids will feel safe and supported and life will be good for everyone.

A split second before responding to anything your kids do or say, stop, breathe, look at the scene from a neutral position (do the scene freezing exercise above until you get the hang of this), find the response you believe will make everybody the happiest and then act.

If you do this for a while, your kids will learn to trust you. Then, when you need to stop them from doing something they shouldn't, they are likely to just follow your guidance, because you always look after their best interest. This belief in you, this trust, this confidence, is the real source of power in parenting.

So stop controlling your kids. Relax, focus, let go and be powerful.
Gal

You may want to read

• Questions, Questions
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Nagging Your Kids

May your next year be very tasty!

1. Take the twelve months of the year and clean them well from feelings of jealousy, hatred, frustration, stinginess, greed, stubbornness, selfishness, anger and sadness.
2. Slice each month into three equal parts and make sure you dedicate a third of each day to working, a third to sleeping and resting and the rest to spending time with people you love, having fun, doing good deeds and having joyous memories, happy dreams and wishes.
3. Add three teaspoons of optimism, a cup of faith, a tablespoon of patience, some tolerance and a pinch of respect for yourself and others.
4. Soak with lots of love, decorate with good intentions and heaps of attention and serve every day with a good word, a smile and a warm heart.

Bon appetite!

Happy New Year,
Ronit, Gal and Eden

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• Slow Down and Smell the Flowers
• Living in a Dress Rehearsal
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction

Nothing is worth more than this day
- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Kids are little philosophers practicing the theories of the great philosopher of all times in real life. They live in the simplest stage show that is their life, without much sophistication and with no budget. This is ability smart, knowledgeable and experienced grownups need to learn from their children.

Kids do not have tomorrows. The younger they are, the more limited their understanding of time and the harder it is to explain to them what they will gain tomorrow if they just try a bit harder or wait a little bit longer today. One of parents' biggest frustrations is their inability to explain why to try harder today for some imaginary tomorrow. Kids, on the other hand, do not understand why they should try harder, because from their point of view, fun is the best way to navigate through life and "hard" and "fun" do not go together.

Fun as a Compass

Kids' attitude to fun as a compass is perceived by grownups as a limitation, a lack of perspective and experience. I wonder sometimes who is missing perspective. Kids, the artists of living in the now, whose present is full of fun, or their parents, the champions of living in the future, whose present is an endless cycle of anxiety?

Children invest all their energy in what they will achieve in the short term. Adults, convinced they need to delay their gratifications, exaggerate this and without meaning to, they have invented the opposite of enjoinment and fun and have turned their life into a dress rehearsal for the "real thing".

The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things
- Henry Ward Beecher

If you are a parent doing everything you can to better tomorrows, if you are a parent telling your kids off for behaviors today that you are afraid they will keep doing tomorrow, if you believe that whatever happens today is a sign for what will happen in the future, if you think that pain today justifies potential gain tomorrow - you have just passed the most important audition of your life and have been accepted into The Big Dress Rehearsal, where you might spend the rest of your life.

Many parents fall in the trap of separating life into living in the show of life and rehearsing for it, as if they need to prepare all their lives for an imaginary future, when they will have everything they want, but they never take center stage and actually play in the show. The problem with living in a dress rehearsal is that you become very good at rehearsing and not at performing. Many parents invest in preparing their kids and become very good at preparing and not at implementing these preparations. In extreme cases, this imaginary future makes parents so anxious they torture their kids today and justify it by claiming they will be happy for it someday.

If you have ever had a conflict with your child that was very critical for you and you were worried they would take this to their future, while your child thought you were making a big thing out of nothing, you have been in the conflict between life as a rehearsal and life as a show.

A classic example of the life as a rehearsal and life as a show conflict is school. In my parenting workshops, when I ask parents about big conflicts with their kids, they say that most of their parenting energy is spent around school, homework, managing time, grades and teachers. Every argument over school starts with our belief as parents that the imaginary rewards of our kids' schooling in the future will justify their pain in the present. Not many parents ask themselves whether school today is really preparing their children for the show of life they will have to perform in their future.

Our kids do not go to school because they want to. We keep them there with our belief that their future will be better for it. In the cheapest format of schooling, we invest 13 years and tens of thousands of dollars on this school rehearsal and we do not stop to ask if we know for sure what will be the format of the show they will have to perform in the future and if it justifies the long preparation. What we can say for sure is that we have become so good at preparing that we have no clue on what kind of a stage our kids will have to perform in 15 years.

Parents differ from their kids in courage. Kids are not afraid of a show that is not perfect, a bit clumsy, without any status or experience, because what directs them is having fun right now. Their primitive compass, called "fun", has stood strong in the auditions of all times, in shows of all generations and on stages of all successes and challenging experiences. By following this primitive compass, many authors have written thousands of books kids have never read, producers have made movies kids have never seen and philosophers have described theories kids have never heard of.

Enjoy the journey, enjoy every moment and quit worrying about winning and losing
- Matt Biondi

Many parents, on the other hand, prefer the illusion of "the future". They prefer putting off the fun of now and invest lots in preparing for life, in hope that fun will come, later. Parents go to work and dedicate hours of being away from their partner and kids in order to make money and have fun with their partner and kids on a short yearly vacation that they end up spending on renovating the shower, "because it cannot be postponed any longer". They get into an endless cycle, where they do not know what started first, the chicken or the egg.

Kids live without too many conditions. As long as they have fun, with a little bit of company, not seeking a big crowd and not dedicating hours for rehearsing or putting on makeup, they will perform on a small stage or in a solo performance, holding a balloon and celebrating their total ignorance of the future. Parents, on the other hand, have endless conditions on the location of the show, who will be the stage manager, what the content will be, who the other players will be, the director, the salary, who will be invited and how hard they will need to clap. But so many conditions and fun do not go hand in hand.

We can learn from kids how to have the courage not to treat life as a dress rehearsal or an imaginary show that we constantly need to prepare for, but to live in a simple, magical, natural show that happens every day in every second of our imperfect, clumsy, fun life.

We should learn from kids about "performing" and having fun today, because there is a real danger that if we keep preparing, when the time of our show comes, if ever, when we are finally thin, rich, happy, pretty, successful, with a high social status and lots of the latest gadgets, it may be too late.

If we argue and worry about a show that never happens, we can only imagine a sad show, in which our kids will be just like their parents and stop believing that more importantly than being thin and skinny, we need to love our body, more importantly than making money, we need to be content to put it to good use or give it away, more importantly than striving for happiness, we need to be happy along the way, more importantly than being pretty in other people's eyes, we need to feel pretty, more than wanting to be successful, we need to celebrate our existing successes, however small, more importantly than social status, we need to enjoy our friends and family and more importantly than buying gadgets, we need to enjoy them.

For kids, every experience is a show. It is natural and without conditions. They cry a little, laugh for no reason, sometimes they fail and they always get up. They do not have to have an audience and if they do, they do not try to please everyone. When they do not get any cheers and claps, they applaud themselves for participating.

We can learn philosophy from our own children, small, inexperienced and lacking perspective. We can learn from kids that life is a show that starts when we give up on endless rehearsals, when we stop trying to come up with the best show ever and we just participate and have fun. We can learn from kids that fun is an enormous force.

May the force be with you!
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Mean Average
• How to Handle Pressure
• More Control – Less Power

In Australia, there is now something called NAPLAN - National Assessment Program for Literacy and Numeracy, officially described like this: "Every year, all students in Years 3, 5, 7 and 9 are assessed on the same days using national tests in Reading, Writing, Language Conventions (Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation) and Numeracy".

This means that absolutely NOTHING else matters to most of the teachers and parents of students in Years 3, 5, 7 and 9. After having quite a bit of fun in Prep and Years 1 and 2, the poor kids in Year 3 are taught things by the book, tested every week, deprived of play time, music, art, sport and extracurricular activities and subjected to constant pressure to perform. State Education ministers go nuts from it, so Department of Education executives go nuts from it, so principals go nuts from it, so teachers go nuts from it, so students go nuts from it.

The same thing happens all over again 2, 4 and 6 years later.

And that is really bad.

Because learning should be fun and because all that stress actually blocks learning.

Think back to your time at school for a moment, particularly to 3^rd Grade. Could you study well when you were tired? Could you concentrate in class when you were hungry or when you had to go to the toilet? Was it easy for you to work with numbers after witnessing your parents having a big fight the night before? How well did you do on exams when your dog died or your best friend moved away?

Not too well, right?

School systems are just like conventional medicine - they focus on the symptoms, ignore the personal context and completely miss the underlying issues. They do it because the symptoms, literacy and numeracy in this case, are easy to test and measure. It stands to conventional reason that by teaching more reading, students' reading will improve and by administering more math homework, students will get more practice and get better with numbers.

Ronit and I see just how wrong this approach is with every child that comes to our assessment service. One after the other, parents bring children aged 5 to 14, asking for help with their performance at school. One after the other, these children reveal gaps in their learning due to emotional traumas and communication style incompatibility with their past or present teachers. Ronit advises all of their parents to handle their emotional wellbeing first and one after the other, they pick up speed in their studies as soon as they are able to smile and feel free.

We have seen close correlations between gaps in reading, writing and math skills due to the illness and death of a father. Would you care how much 2 + 5 was if your father was dying?

We have seen gaps in academic performance due to frequent changes of teachers. Young children look up to their teachers and idolize them. That is why they trust their teaching and follow their instructions. Would you be able to trust your 6^th Grade 1 teacher after being "deserted" by the previous 5?

We have seen children whose mother or father had a mental disorder, which forced them to help extensively at home and gave other students at their school plenty of bullying material. Would you be able to motivate yourself even to go to school if this were your situation?

When a child is overwhelmed by strong emotions, pressure to perform only makes things worse. The child feels ignored, abused, rejected and belittled. They lose trust in teachers, parents and sometimes even in "grownups" in general. So they hide their challenges, which makes them even harder to detect, and they go on missing more and more spelling, grammar, arithmetic, shapes, money, graphs and all those other things that show up later as low test scores.

Emotionacy

What kids really need to learn is not literacy or numeracy, it is "emotionacy". They need to learn how to recognize and manage their emotions. They need to be encouraged to express themselves, to explore and to learn what and how they like. They need to be valued as people-in-the-making (my kids have an awesome music teacher who refers to her students as "short people") and to be developed based on their own choices.

Reading something interesting is far more beneficial than reading standard text. Sure, it is not as easy to monitor and regulate, but kids who follow their heart LOVE to read. They read without any external pressure, they learn far more from what they read and they read so much that their level of literacy is actually better over those who are forced to read standard boring stuff.

Give any child a cool science project where they need to measure quantities, calculate fractions, draw a graph and analyze numerical data and they will jump for joy at each discovery and conclusion. They will remember the experiment forever, keep the results in their room for months, show it to everyone and proudly EXPLAIN the math to anyone who will listen. In the context of something exciting, kids have all the skills for math.

Pay attention to how a child learns - by writing and drawing, by listening and talking or by doing - and adapt your teaching to it and all of a sudden, a "slow" child seems "bright". Suddenly, they like coming to class or doing their homework, they love the teacher (or you, their parent) and their scores improve dramatically.

Find out how a child feels, no matter how long it takes and how difficult it is for them to describe (particularly at a young age), help them feel better and you will get a bundle of joy that finds little in class challenging. Use stories, symbolic play with dolls, drawings or any other non-verbal method and you will discover the blocks to natural learning. Give affirmations, touch, quality time, little presents and helpful services and you will see moping turning into energy and a long face becoming a smile.

When you need to teach a child something, present it as a game. Learning happens much better when it is fun and then, the child wants to learn even more, because it is fun. Kids would play games all the time if they could, so just let them. Use their endless energy and fill their games with useful learning and they will be unstoppable.

Academic performance is natural for children when they can "afford it" mentally. When they are too busy surviving emotionally, they can learn nothing, but no matter what their top potential is, they will get a lot closer to it when they are happy.

So check your child's emotionacy and help them get better at it. Write your local representative and speak out at parent-teacher meetings and parent-body gatherings. What your kids need is emotional intelligence and the rest will follow.

Happy parenting,
Gal

P.S. A good starting point is to work on your own happiness, because happy parents raise happy kids.

You may want to read

• The Mean Average
• Wisdom from the School of Life
• Competition, Perfection or Happiness

Here are some more things you can do on a regular basis when you are relaxed that will help you send a message of respect to your kids and strengthen their "choice muscle".

Brainstorm options

Some kids are afraid that because they cannot see a way out, they are stuck. We all get stuck when we do see no option that will get us out of a painful situation or get us to a desired situation.

That is OK, because thinking of options is a skill that needs to be taught. Ask your child, "What's the worst that can happen?" or "What can go wrong?" or "Tell me the craziest solution you can think of". It is important to think of options and while I suggest coming up with crazy things, I would like to emphasize you should aim for solutions, not problems. If you focus on endless possible problems, you are going to find them. Looking for many problems is a dangerous zone that may create more fear than help.

Sometimes, all kids need is a single idea. You can suggest things too, but make sure the child comes up with most of the ideas. If you want to lead them towards something, say things like, "How about...", "What if...", "Do you think doing .... could work?" "What do you think of this option?" Everything you say must be as a mature person, a helper and a mentor. If you try to push your solution, you are not helping, but weakening your child's choice muscle.

Give time to think

When you suggest something, give your child time to think about it. If you expect an immediate decision, you are pushing. Pushing the choice muscle will not make it strong but weak.

It is very important to tell your kids they do not have to make immediate decisions. If we push our kids to make decisions quickly, we give them a message that every choice is a "life or death" decision. This is not good. They should never have that feeling. The choices we make are not perfect either and we often work on them for a while. By the time our kids need to make a decision like whether to risk of driving through a red light, their choice muscle will be so strong they will resist the temptation once they get to a red light, but that takes time and practice.

To help kids think about their choices without pressure, say, "I think it's a good idea to sleep on these ideas", "Take some time to think about this and we can continue tomorrow", or, "I suggest that you think about it for a while before you make your decision".

I use this technique for many things my kids want and I started at an early age. If they want to study a musical instrument, get a haircut, paint their room or register for a new class, I say, "Think about it for a week". If they come back in a week, I know they have thought about it, but if not, I know it was not that important. That is OK!

Basic pros and cons

Making a choice is a matter of weighing the pros and cons of the options you see in front of you. This is a learned skill that is good to teach from an early age. Kids must understand that most choices are not 100% good or 100% bad. Every choice has advantages and disadvantages.

The simplest technique is just writing down the pros and cons separately, counting each side and comparing the numbers. This process helps kids see with their own eyes which options has more good points than bad points. Take a piece of paper and write things down. Often, when you write down the pros and cons, that is enough to convince yourself. Do not be tempted to do everything in your head. When we do not write things down, we allow our subconscious to erase things we do not want to remember or deal with.

Advanced option weighing technique

Sometimes, just listing the pros and cons is not good enough, because some considerations have a higher value than others. For example, your son wants to join a basketball team that practices on Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. He cannot make up his mind whether he is willing to give up other things for this, such as going to parties that happen on Saturday, going to the beach with your family or inviting friends to sleep over on Friday night.

This is when you give the considerations weights. Some considerations are more important to you than others are and it is good to know what these are. So if there are 6 things to consider, you can rank the categories from 1 to 6 (1 being the least important and 6 being the most important). Then, you fill in the form, giving 0 points for "no" and 1 point for "yes" to each consideration in each option.

When you are done, multiply the 1s by the importance and add up the scores for each option. Using a proper weight system, this example shows that going to basketball will be the best choice for your child.

* I play with my basketball friends
** I may play some basketball during school breaks

I use this technique when I make big decisions and even with my clients (who are not young kids) when they need to make hard decisions. Quantifying the importance is a very good way of taking the emotions out of making a choice.

I learned a version of this technique from one of my inspiring teachers. One of my Special Education professors said that teachers tend to give extra points to their favorite students (yes, I know, it is not something you like to find out, but it is true - it is only human to give discounts to the people you like and teachers are just human). To get over this, she came up with a weighing system and designed a marking system that was made of 10 to 20 items (that is a lot, because most teachers use only 3: exam, participating in class and homework, and if they use more than one exam, that makes a huge difference in their grading). This is very easy to do with percentages. You have 100% and divide it between scoring categories by their level of importance (which you can easily teach older kids to do). Well, this does not mean you will not give extra points to your favorite students, but when the extra point is 1% of 7%, it is not a lot and your favoritism in under control.

This technique is great for choosing work, profession, what university subjects to study, friends, a suitable school and, I dare say, even a partner. You rate what is important to you and find out if this person gets to the level you expect. Remember, 100% is not possible!

Independent kids are not born, they are made. I know many parents who struggle with their kids when an easy shift from showing power to supporting their kids' choice muscle could have made their life much better. Do you know how much trouble you can save if you teach your kids to be independent and prepare their own lunch box?

Noff has been making her own sandwiches since she was 4 years old. We would give her a blunt spreading knife and a plate with bread and she put her own spread on it. When she wanted a chocolate drink, she could climb on a chair, take the chocolate powder and pour herself some milk. Yes, it was messy at first, but she did not need us to fulfill her needs, because she could do lots of that herself. She is 10 years old now and she is in charge of many dishes that we make for dinners. If Gal and I had to be away from home, our kids would make themselves a feast every day.

Raising independent kids is helpful in many ways. Eden, who is our eldest, is the most independent in our family, because she has had the most time to practice. She slept over when she about 6 months old, she flew to the other side of the world on her own when she was 10 years old. When we brought a babysitter to take care of the younger kids, she used to host the babysitter. Every time we came back home, the babysitter would say, "Eden babysat me until she went to sleep". She asked her if she wanted anything to eat or to drink and, served her cookies and showed her how to make herself another cup of tea. She showed her how to use the TV and the VCR, where the toilet was and when to give Tsoof his bottle (when Tsoof was a baby). When she was awake, Eden used to change his diapers herself and went to sleep when she knew the babysitter was fine. As you would expect, the transition to not having a babysitter was easy. Practice had made it better and easier.

Total independence happens the second your kid leaves the house and no longer needs your financial support. No kid on Earth, no matter how old, can do it well without practice, without making mistakes and without learning from their own choices. They need time and the more time they have to make those choices in a safe environment, when Mom and Dad can help them, guide them and teach them techniques and opportunities, the better they will be at it.

Life is full of choices and as a parent, you have the luxury of raising independent kids. All you have to do is ... choose!

Happy choices,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Teaching about Choice
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Opportunities
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: How to Give Choices

Accept choice as part of life

Be open and share with your kids stories about situations that have made it hard for you to make choices and how you have solved your dilemmas. It is very important for kids to understand that those situations are part of everyday life and our life is full of choices. Kids generally feel small and helpless and when they understand that you, their almighty parent, feel small and helpless sometimes, that you are not always sure what to do, that you are even afraid sometimes, it will help them be more tolerant towards their own difficult choices. If you talk to them about bad choices you have made and how you have grown from them, that will be of great service to your kids, because they will be able to learn from them too.

Be their inspiration

We make some of the choices in life because we know someone we trust and appreciate who has done (or is doing) something we think they have benefited from. Those people are an inspiration for us. Many kids see their parents as role models and inspiration, because they trust them.

Telling kids about your life will give them ideas and they will say, "I make this choice because something similar has happened to my dad and he solved it successfully that way". It is very important to say, "It worked for me. I lived in different circumstances, but it may work for you too". Remember not to impose your solutions. Think of their choice muscle, not your significance or your power muscle.

Let go of the perfect choice

Some people and their kids think there is such a thing as the perfect choice. Those people tend to talk about their good choices and are in denial of their bad ones. This is a tendency towards perfectionism and it promotes procrastination.

It is important for those parents to understand that not making a choice is a choice not to make a choice and when we do that, we put our life at the mercy of circumstances. The other side of this is being in constant regrets about bad choices. It is reasonable to be disappointed about choices you have made in the past, but since you cannot go back to the past and change them, you have to make the most of your choices, learn from them, move on and teach your kids to do the same.

If you want to help your kids, talk about good choices and bad choices. Tell them there is nothing in life we can have that does not require giving up something else and that waiting for the "right" choice to appear may take too long and they might miss opportunities to learn and grow. When you help your kids make choices, avoid using the words "good choice", "bad choice" and "the right choice". Do not say things like "I'm telling you, you will regret this", "I'm telling you, you will never regret this" and "If you ask me..." (which implies you are using the power muscle).

This is the nature of choices. Only after we make them, we know if they were any good. Do not play fortuneteller, because you may be wrong and lose the trust of your child. You can say, "I believe...", "From my experience...", "I hope..." or "I wish..." Humility can do a lot for your credibility.

Pay attention to conflicts

Use protests as a sign it is about time to change something and give your kids more choice.

Some parents cannot tell when is a good time to give their kids more independence and let them make their own choices.

I think it is hard to tell mainly because there is no "right" time, as most kids are different and are ready to move forward towards their independence at different times. This does not make them problematic, it only means they need more time to practice.

A good sign the time has come is that there is a conflict. I believe that conflicts with kids are part of their journey to independence. Their protests are declarations of their desire to be respected and to have some form of independence. Even a 1-year-old who fights her mom when she feeds her is a declaration of independence.

This is a good time to start giving her choices with her food by saying, "Would you like the red spoon or the blue spoon?" "Would you like to hold the spoon yourself?" "Do you want Mommy to sing you the airplane song or the porridge song?" The impact of this is amazing.

Most conflicts with kids are a battle between the parents' strong power muscle and the kids' weak choice muscle. If the kids are OK with you making choices for them and you are happy with it too, make the choices for them, but if they are not happy, they will protest and if you are not happy, you will protest.

Join me next week for more techniques for teaching your kids about choice and helping them use their "choice muscle".

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Decision Techniques
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Opportunities
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: How to Give Choices

Matt was a troublemaker. He disturbed the class, made lots of noises and fought with the other kids in class. It was unbearable. His teacher tried different methods to stop this behavior, but nothing helped, so he invited Matt's presents for a talk.

Matt's parents came to see the teacher and he told them about his failed attempts to calm him down and keep the order in class.

"I've tried everything I could and exhausted my options", said the teacher and asked Matt's parents about his behavior at home.

Matt's dad said, "We've tried everything ourselves. We punish him, we bribe him, but nothing helps".

"Have you tried diagnosing him?" asked the teacher.

"I don't believe in diagnosing. It won't help. It's not practical," said Matt's mom.

"Well, how about giving him Ritalin?" suggested the teacher, "It will calm him down".

"Where do we get Ritalin?" Matt's dad asked.

"Oh, don't worry, I'll arrange this for you. Matt will take one tablet every day before he comes to school and everything will be OK", said the teacher.

"Well, that won't work", said Matt's mom, "Our mornings are very hectic. My husband leaves home early and I rush the kids to school. Who's going to make sure he takes his tablet?"

"OK, then I can help you with this", said the teacher, "I will give him the tablet myself when he gets to school".

"No way!" said Matt's dad, "I don't want all the other kids to see him taking Ritalin. Having a bad reputation can be worse than causing trouble. I don't want my child to suffer from a bad reputation".

The teacher thought about it and said, "I have an Idea. Every day during the first break, I will ask him to go to the staff room and make me a cup of coffee. I will leave his Ritalin in my pigeonhole, he will take one tablet and no one will know about it".

The parents were hesitant a bit, but decided to give it a go.

The plan was brilliant. The teacher left the Ritalin in his pigeonhole in the staff room, explained to Matt what to do and every day during the first break, he asked Matt to go to the staff room and make him a cup of coffee. Matt brought the coffee and everything went smoothly. The environment in class calmed right down. Matt was relaxed, he was no longer nervous, did not get involved in any fights or cause any trouble to his teachers.

Three weeks later, Matt's mom asked him about what was happening in class.

"How's school, Matty?"

"Excellent!" said Matt.

"Is the teacher happy with your behavior?" she asked.

"Oh, yes. Everything's great now. Everyone in the class is happy," said Matt.

"Wow", said Matt's mom, "How come everything got so much better in such a short time?"

"Oh, it's very simple", Matt explained, "Every day, my teacher tells me to get him a cup of coffee. I go to the staff room, make him some coffee, take a tablet from his pigeonhole and put in his coffee. He drinks it and everyone in class is much more relaxed!"

If you are reading this and saying, "Ha, ha, it worked on the teacher", that was no my point. I believe it would have worked even if Matt had thrown the Ritalin into the rubbish bin every day.

You see, perception is a powerful thing. What we believe to be true is sometimes stronger than what happens to us in real life. If we interpret a child's behavior as "troublemaking", we will see troublemaking in every move he or she makes. This is why medical researchers always consider the "placebo effect" to find out if the person reacts to the medication or the thought of being medicated.

When diagnosing kids with learning difficulties, the real problem is often "teaching difficulties". Diagnosing ADD, ADHD, ODD can be a result of "teaching and/or parenting difficulties". We try some strategies and say we have done everything we could.

But we have not!

I had inspiring Special Education teachers that gave me the best belief every teacher and parent needs.

If you have tried some things and the child is still struggling, it only means you have not found a solution ... yet!

How to work with troublemakers

Instead of searching for labels or using a magic pill, search for a solution. Here are some things to keep you focused and to keep you going.

1. Try every approach for at least 3 weeks. It takes 21 days to make a habit and preferably 21 days in a row.
2. If something has worked for someone else and not for you, be happy! You are closer to the solution, because now you know something you did not know before trying it. You know what does not work.
3. Be open minded about potential solutions. If you do not understand something, that does not mean it is out of the question. I was very skeptical about finding a solution for my kids' dairy allergy when I went to see a kinesiologist. I still do not understand how he did it. One visit and $75 later (mostly paid by my health insurance) our life was changed forever.
4. Be creative! If you have tried conventional ways and they have not seemed to work, try something different.
5. Consider the placebo effect. Give your kids Vitamin C in a special container without a label and tell them it is a magic pill and that every child who takes it feels relaxed, calm and able to manage difficulties better within 3 weeks. Tell the teachers to assess the child's behavior during those three weeks. From my experience, the teacher will tell you the child is much calmer. If you want to boost your credibility with your child and with the teacher, tell them an expert has given you this special prescription, along with a story about how expensive the tablets are, how many kids use them and what wonderful results they all get.

If you think you have tried everything, think again. This is an overused phrase and it is never ever true.

If all else fails, before you lose hope, take some Ritalin yourself.

Happy times,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Parental Troubleshooting
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.
• Mom, I’m Sick