And that is no way to live. It is not good for the parents and it is not good for the kids.

What happens in these situations is that the parents try to control their children. In fact, they try to control the fine details of what their children do, say and sometimes even feel. They tell themselves and anyone else who will listen how important it is to get all the answers on every assignment correctly. That is how they justify the hours of grilling their kids over homework. They explain the long-term impact of passing a basketball using the scientifically proven motion on their kids' sporting future. That is how they justify the yelling from the sidelines and the intensive drilling at home.

But how important are these things really?

Who are they really important to?

And what are the effects of this controlling behavior on the children, the parents and their relationships for the rest of their lives?

In parents' defense, I would say it is probably the way they were brought up themselves. I even think many are doing better than their parents did, considering the circumstances. They do not know another way (unless they have read enough of this blog).

In a strange way, by trying to control our children, we give them power over our levels of stress and our emotional wellbeing. By nagging, correcting and micromanaging them, we give THEM control over us. They simply use our obvious motivation to throw us to the mat and pin us down.

Ronit and I had a couple of good friends with a 5-year-old boy who refused to eat "good food". His mom begged, threatened and then offered a bribe. "If you eat your lunch/dinner/food, I'll buy you a big ice cream", she would promise. He would then say, "No, I want my ice cream first. I'll eat the food after". She would buy him the ice cream, he would eat it and then refuse to eat anything else. She would go absolutely nuts, but then do the same thing again the following day.

She was so eager to get him to eat some healthy food, she made a big deal out of it, so he leveraged it to get what he wanted every day and twice on Sundays (literally). She cared so much about how his eating habits reflected on her parenting quality, she put her little son in charge of her self-esteem.

This kind of situation is very scary for the child. It means the parent does not have a sense of priority and enough self-confidence to be in charge. Kids view their parents as almighty and being able to shake them so easily makes them unable to rely on the parents for their own security.

So what should parents do?

The secret to trading failure to control with real power involves developing a personal perspective, having clear priorities, focusing only on truly important things and assuming a coaching position.

How to develop a personal perspective in parenting

As always, start by finding a quiet time and place, then relax by taking a few long, deep, slow breaths. Once you are calm and your head is clear, imagine the last scene in which you tried to control your child and ended up pulling your hair out.

Freeze the scene, as if everyone in it suddenly turned into metal or stone (ice is too cold). Now, float out of your body and position yourself opposite the image of you. Take a good look at your face and your body language. It is very likely you will recognize a fear in yourself, which you have not been aware of, but seems to be the source of your pressure during the scene.

Ask yourself, "Why do I really want my child to do [whatever it was]? What was I afraid would happen if he/she didn't do it?"

In many interpersonal conflicts, at least one party considers their views universal and absolute. Often, by accepting them as personal preferences, the conflict goes away. In a struggle with your kids, it is important to realize that although you may believe you are doing what is best for them, you are always first and foremost serving your own interests. When you are afraid of something, you become defensive and uncompromising. That is just human.

Now ask yourself, "Realistically, if I said and did nothing that time, what is the worst thing that could happen?"

In our friend's case, her son would have become hungry over time without ice cream, which would have given her enormous power over him, because then he would have eaten anything she allowed him to eat. If only she overcame her fear for 30 minutes or so...

How to have clear parenting priorities

No matter how many times we ask parents this question and no matter how we present it to them, what parents want most for their children is happiness. They just want their kids to be happy. The rest is just ways to get there.

Now that you are calm and being honest with yourself, ask yourself, "Would my kids be happier if I taught them how to do everything right or if I let them experience life on their own?" Again, consider the most recent incident or perhaps the most common conflict with your kids for perspective.

As a minimum, children need to be healthy and safe. Beyond that, they need to be happy and learn how to stay healthy, safe and happy on their own. Anything we force them to do that serves another aim hurts everybody.

In our friend's case, the little boy became less and less secure and more and more defiant, searching for the point where his mother would finally provide a boundary for him. He was not happy, she was not happy and his father was not happy. A few years later, the couple split and the boy went to live with his dad.

How to assume a coaching position with your kids

Kids are just little people. They are people in the making. From the minute they are born, we need to treat them as individuals. They are not us. They are not part of us. They grow up in a different world and have different needs and different physical and psychological abilities and limitations.

If we deal with them to serve our own happiness, this will often result in conflict. They may not be able to explain it to us, but they can feel it.

But if we do our best to help THEM get what THEY want out of life (using age-appropriate methods, of course), there will be fewer conflicts, our kids will feel safe and supported and life will be good for everyone.

A split second before responding to anything your kids do or say, stop, breathe, look at the scene from a neutral position (do the scene freezing exercise above until you get the hang of this), find the response you believe will make everybody the happiest and then act.

If you do this for a while, your kids will learn to trust you. Then, when you need to stop them from doing something they shouldn't, they are likely to just follow your guidance, because you always look after their best interest. This belief in you, this trust, this confidence, is the real source of power in parenting.

So stop controlling your kids. Relax, focus, let go and be powerful.
Gal

You may want to read

• Questions, Questions
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Nagging Your Kids

The film we saw was called The Whistleblower. It is a story of an American police officer who works for the United Nations' peacekeeping forces in Bosnia and uncovers a women trafficking operation. We sat on big, soft cushions on the grass at a park by the Brisbane River, the weather was perfect, the atmosphere was magical, we were happy for the chance to get away for a bit in each other's company.

Then, the movie started.

The level of brutality shown on the screen by the traffickers towards the women, the complete disregard for the law and the strong violation of every moral system I could think of disturbed me to the core. I had to struggle to keep watching some scenes and felt terrible for poor Ronit who is generally more sensitive than I am.

When we talked about the movie in the car on the way home, we both wondered what would compel anyone to abuse another person in such a way. Our conclusion was that these people had no love in their hearts. Not romantic love. Kindness, compassion, empathy, tenderness, comradery, friendship and understanding towards another human being.

All they had was fear. It was in their eyes. It was in their laughs. It was in their intonation. It was in their words. Because without love, fear is all that is left.

A few days later, we went to a Christian wedding of the lovely daughter of a lovely couple of friends of ours. We expected to hear about Jesus and God, but the wedding celebrant (who is also the bride's aunt), spent some time explaining why God is love.

She said something like, "People say that God is loving, and He is loving, but that is not his essence. God is love. Because love accepts without condition, encourages without limits and makes everything better".

And I thought to myself, "I wish every person in the world thought this way. Whether they were religious or not, if everybody's faith was in love, this world would be a much better place".

Many people are uncomfortable with expressing love, because they have heard little or no love spoken to them, they have not been hugged or stroked and they have not been praised. Some have had mostly abuse from their parents.

At Ronit's parenting workshops, participants are asked to list the 4 things they want most for their children. Some list health, some list money, some list success, but everyone lists happiness. Ronit then asks them to give up the least important thing and keep just 3, then just 2 and finally, only 1. The parents agonize over the "lost" values, but invariably, they leave happiness in their hands.

When Ronit asks them, "Is this what you spend most of your parenting time on?" some of the parents burst into tears, because they realize that the fighting and forcing and nagging only take away from the thing they want most for their kids - happiness. After this experience, the parents determine to go home and show their children nothing but love, no matter what happens.

We keep in touch with them and that is what many of them do. Parents who have not had love as kids must make an effort to express love for their children, but the rewards are tremendous.

From the kids' point of view, love is a natural thing and expressing it is easy. When we lived in Singapore, Tsoof was 3 years old and had his own room. Sometimes, he played by himself, and then felt alone, so he called out, "Mom/Dad, I love you" and we would reply, "I love you too".

That kept him happily playing in his room for a while longer, knowing we were there for him if he needed us. When he grew up (and, OMG, became a teenager), he started using the same method to diffuse conflicts. Say Noff is upset with him and starts talking tough, he says, "I love you too" and she softens (if not, he says it again).

With Christmas just around the corner, I wanted to encourage you to show your love for your children as much as you can. Giving gifts is certainly a great way, but it is only one of the 5 languages of love.

I also wanted to leave you with a song from a Christmas film (Scrooged), which captured the essence of this post very well. The lyrics are below, so you can sing along (go easy if you are at work, but go nuts if you are at home).

Loving parenting,
Gal

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• More Control – Less Power
• Questions, Questions
• Spoiled Brats

I think there is a lot of confusion among parents between happy kids and spoiled kids. Sometimes, out of fear of spoiling our kids, we guarantee they will be miserable.

I heard about the fear of spoiling kids when my first daughter Eden was born. Everyone around me said, "Don't hold her all day. You'll spoil her".

I never liked the word "spoil". I did not understand how anyone could think of spoiling such a wonderful, perfect, divine creature. I always felt that hugging Eden and holding her was more for me than for her anyway.

As time passed, I realized they were trying to tell me to find the balance, to avoid creating a dependency, to give and get space and to provide and gain freedom. It is sad the only word that can include all those ideas was "spoil".

I find the idea that showing love to our children is risky very disturbing. I talk to many parents at my parenting workshops and discover that this old fear is still there.

I think people came up with the idea to justify not being able to give their kids what they thought they should. For example, if they feel tired of holding a baby for a long time, they come up with the justification that holding a baby the whole day would spoil the baby. Why can we not just admit that part of what we do for our kids, we actually do for ourselves?

Spoiled is too much!

To me, the definition of spoiled has something to do with "getting used to something" or even developing a bit of an addiction. If you give your kids too much of something, they develop a dependency on it and become addicted to it. So if you give them lots of hugs, they become addicted to hugs. If you give them a lot of your time, they cannot do anything without you. If you give them many toys, they expect you to shower them with toys for no reason, preferably very expensive toys.

I have even heard parents say that if I tell my kids they are smart a lot, I risk them getting used to the idea that they are smart. In one of my workshops, we had a big debate about a mother telling her daughter that she was not pretty so she would not get used to the idea (and be disappointed later in life).

The difficulty is that we can never predict when we are giving "too much", because children are different and have different needs and because parents are different and have different needs. What is "too much" for one can be "not enough" for another. This does not mean that we do not have our own definition of "too much", but it certainly means it is ours and may not necessary apply to others.

At first, when you have babies, people tell you that if you hold them a lot, get them used to a dummy (or pacifier), rocking them to sleep or taking them for a drive in the car to put them to sleep, it will make them spoiled.

As our babies become toddlers, the fear is from developing bad habits. If you give them only what they want to eat, it will make them fussy eaters. If you buy them everything they ask for, it will make them spoiled brats.

Those ideas, once planted in many parents' minds, make them doubt their own judgment about when it the right time to give their baby a dummy or when it is right to pick the baby up and comfort her when she is crying. I think this doubt is worse than actually picking the baby up, because our parenting is done with fear and anxiety.

Later on, when they become teenagers, they are already spoiled brats. They want to be left alone, they are angry, emotional, confused and without cure.

Un-spoil your kids with happiness

I think you can spoil kids only if you give them too much of what they do not want. They are not spoiled. They are unhappy.

When a baby cries for his dummy, he wants comfort. When he nags for a cuddle, he is aching for some security. When she is fussy about eating, she is begging for some confidence. But by the time they becomes teenagers, they stop expecting their parents to fulfill their needs, because they cannot. They never could.

Every time you catch yourself thinking about spoiling your kids, ask yourself, "What do they really want?"

It is always a feeling they are missing. Everything they ask for can be translated into a feeling. If you are not sure about the feeling behind the request, tantrum or fussy behavior, ask them, "How would you feel if I did this for you (bought you this, gave you permission to do this)?" and listen carefully to their answer. Find the feeling they are searching for and come up with ways to give them what they truly want. Children (and grownups) whose needs are met are happy.

Do not confuse unhappy kids with spoiled kids. Kids are not spoiled because you give them too much. They behave like spoiled brats when you do not give them the feeling they want.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• More Control – Less Power
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Questions, Questions

We were honored to have met him and be inspired by his determination and courage to cheat death and live to see his daughter's wedding, the birth of his nephews and his two grandchildren and to spend time with them against all odds.

We met Jaap about 7 years ago through his daughter. Jaap was 61. He came from Holland to visit his daughter's family in Australia. He and his gorgeous 37-year-old third wife, Ali, who was the same age as his daughter, were a fascinating couple. We talked for hours, gathering pieces of his life story and being inspired.

10 years earlier, the doctors discovered cancer that had spread throughout his body. They removed some of his organs, he went through chemotherapy and when the doctors could do nothing more, they told him to sort out his things and say his last goodbyes to his loved ones.

But Jaap decided to die in Bali. He called his two children and asked them to join him for the last weeks of his life. The two kids flew to be with their father, had a great time and nobody died.

So Jaap went back to Holland, went to the doctor and asked for some medication for a ski trip in Austria. The doctor told him that with his weak immune system, going skiing was suicide, but he went with his two children and his son-in-law anyway. They had a great time and Jaap stayed alive.

Jaap considered this misdiagnosis an opportunity. He changed his lifestyle, changed his eating habits, and surrounded himself with positive affirmations, good thoughts, friendly people and nature. Jaap found the formula to defeat death.

Jaap was an educator, a philosopher, an advertiser and a very creative person. We talked for hours about writing, education, philosophy and personal development. Jaap lived his philosophy. He travelled with his wife around the world and from time to time, when he came to be with his daughter and grandchildren in Australia, we had a chance to see him and spend time with him and with Ali.

Our love of writing was a big common ground and when I launched my first book, Be Special Be Yourself for Teenagers, Jaap and Ali, were very instrumental with their advertising experience in creating my launch. They designed a set of bookmarks, photos and cards for the audience and took people's photos during the launch, printed them on the spot and pasted the on a special board with the participants' comments.

During the 7 years we knew Jaap and Ali, they had to go back to Holland several times. Several times, Jaap got seriously sick in Holland, to the point where his daughter was asked ... to come and say her last goodbyes. Every time when the doctors said it was the last time, Jaap said, "Sorry, it is not my time yet. I still have much to do", and against all odds and with the amazing courage and dedication of Ali, who was a nurse by profession, he showed again the power of mind over matter.

Three years ago, we celebrated Jaap's 65^th birthday at his daughter's home in Australia. We had a wonderful dinner and again found it very hard to stop our conversation. I told him about my second book that was just coming out and promised to send it to him when it was published.

He flew back to Holland and got sick again. His daughter and his grandchild flew to Holland to say their last goodbyes, but Jaap recovered yet again. The doctors were confused and could not agree on the diagnosis or the treatment. He became very upset and weak. 7 times, he had defeated death and we were all sure he would do it again.

Two years ago, I sent him my book, In the Outback with Jasmine Banks. It was, in some strange way, his life's story. Much like the character in the story, his real life had started 16 years earlier, when he found out he was going to die. He loved the book and sent us a donation to promote the book, which I used to give a group of elderly women after a talk I gave on "Happiness in the Golden Age" and the power of the mind over matter.

In his funeral, a woman translated parts of the book to read to the audience. It was strange to hear the story in Dutch and only recognize the names of the characters. His friend played his favorite piano piece and his brother, sister-in-law, nephews, nieces and friends shared stories about his life. From time to time, his favorite music and songs were played. Throughout the ceremony, we could see the picture of the wrapped swinging man. It was so much like Jaap, playing with death while he was alive and playing with death at his funeral.

He was wrapped exactly like the photo, with some of his feet and ankles bare. His brother and son made a bed of recycled timber, tree bark and tree branches, because he loved trees, and his favorite flowers for him to rest on during the ceremony.

It was way past midnight and as the event approached the end, we suddenly heard Jaap's voice. Our hearts missed a beat. In a very frail voice, we heard Jaap saying his final goodbye. It had been recorded two years before, when he was convinced he was going to die, but made yet another amazing recovery and inspired everyone longer. His daughter, his grandchild and his son-in-law collapsed from hearing his voice.

Gal and I only recognized some of the names. Through the sobs and the tears, his daughter translated his words of sorrow, forgiveness and love. And he finished with "and I've always hated the cakes they give at funerals, so you don't have to have cake". The swinging wrapped man on the screen changed to slides from his life and ended with the word "PUNT", which means "Full Stop" in Dutch.

Everyone left. Only close people gathered around him and carried him to the crematorium. His daughter whispered, "Goodbye, Dad", and burst into tears again. The guy who took the video and broadcast the funeral to many of Jaap's friends around the world slowly dimmed the screen, but we could still hear some voices behind a black screen.

Words cannot describe the feeling of grief and sadness. What a loss of an inspiring man. I whispered, "Thank you, Jaap", and consoled myself I was lucky to have had the chance to tell him when he was alive he had proved to me that happiness was a choice, although I would never get the chance to tell him that thanks to him, I know now that even death can be a choice. He has taught me that no matter what happens, we need to keep swinging.

Thank you for the wisdom, Jaap! I will remember to keep swinging!

May you rest in peace!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Purpose: To Be a Great Dad
• Make a list: Things I am Happy about
• Make a List: My Fears

I walk around our neighborhood in the mornings and see different people. What surprises me often is how they respond when they notice me approaching. I am not too tall and quite thin, I wear normal clothes and a hat and there is nothing in my appearance that should cause anyone alarm. See for yourself on the left (not the best picture of me, but you get the idea).

Yet, some people cross to the other side of the street. They literally pick a spot well beyond contact distance and pretend they cannot see me. Other people, who might have to cross back to "my" side later to keep going, look down as they walk past me or give me a nervous forced smile, while picking up their pace.

I do not take it personally, but it makes me sad.

Men make more eye contact, their smile is more relaxed and they often greet me. Maybe they think they can handle a stranger better, if it ever came to "that" (an alternative is that only men find me attractive, but let's not go there).

Now, I used to suffer from fear of people myself. Maybe this is why I interpret others' behavior this way, but hopefully my suggestions today will be helpful either way.

Ronit loves to be around people. The more people, the better. She can glide into conversations, keep things moving happily and then glide out without hurting anyone's feelings. Whenever we went to social gatherings, I felt neglected. She would mix in and I would be left feeling awkward and alone. Any conversations I managed to get involved in only strengthened my belief that people were weird and hard to deal with.

When I became a manager, my job started involving more people and less technology. When I became a consultant, my people skills became even more important. Then, I worked on my beliefs about people with my life coach and set a goal to interact better socially. Finally, when Ronit and I started Be Happy in LIFE, I had to go out and connect with people so our business could succeed.

I would like to share my secrets with you, which you can use to relax, meet wonderful people, get more business, have more fun and, very importantly, raise children who are not afraid of people and can enjoy all those things too.

Make eye contact

The eyes are the window of the soul
- Old English Proverb

Eye contact is a non-verbal sign. It is the opening of communication with another human being. Nothing bad can happen from making eye contact with another person. The only thing it tells them is that we are interested in them and that is always good.

Instinctively, we interpret avoiding eye contact as a form of rejection. If looking at me shows interest, not looking at me shows disinterest.

So basically, looking at the floor, at your fingernails, at your shoes, at other people's shoes, at the food table, at the bar tender's pouring skill or anything of that sort immediate labels you as un-contactable and disinterested in the people around you.

On the other hand, raising your eyes and looking at another person will give that person a boost of confidence and open them up to more communication.

Smile

Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody's heart
- Anthony J. D'Angelo

Most people instinctively smile back when you smile at them. This is a very good thing, because smiling is linked in our brain to being happy and both of you will be happier by smiling. When you are happy, anything you do later is going to be better.

The challenge with smiling is that it cannot be faked. A fake smile can be detected by most people and is not linked to the happy feeling. In a strange way, you must find a way to smile genuinely, which requires you to be even a little bit happy to begin with.

So just think about the fact that the other person is there, likely as afraid as you are, and looking at YOU. If you smile, you are the brave one. If you smile, the other person will be thankful for your courage and will want to return the favor.

As soon as you are looking at each other and smiling, the next step should be easy.

Who is the most interesting person in the whole wide world?

If you ask anyone the above question, they would have to (secretly) admit that THEY are the most interesting to them. Specifically, they love hearing their name and how great they are.

That makes starting a conversation a lot easier than most people think. All you have to do is find something about the other person to ask about: their bright red shirt, their unusual name, their tan, their family ("Are these your kids?"), their special name tag, a comment they have just made in the conversation, etc. After that, just keep things positive.

In business networking events, carrying on a social conversation can be difficult, because everyone, including us, is there to get more business. Asking others about their life, their views and their business seems like a waste of time to many people.

Yet, I have found this method to be absolutely brilliant. So far, remember how looking at someone made them look back and make a connection? Remember how smiling at them made them smile back and strengthen the connection? Showing interest in someone else creates an imbalance, which the other person can feel. As soon as they have received enough attention, it is time to switch.

If you try to push your products or information on someone, they will run away, but if you show interest in them first, they will invite you to share the same information with them, because you have made them feel good. You just need to be patient and have faith in people.

Personal space is overrated

I believe that one of the major reasons people avoid contact with others is that their parents raised them to be considerate using fear as motivation. They say, "Excuse me", when they pass next to another person at the supermarket, they always move out of others' way first and they never ever interrupt.

The problem is that besides these behaviors, kids also learn they are not as valuable or worthy as other people are. If shopping at a public place requires an apology, if I always need to make way to others and if I need others to decide when it is my turn to speak, then I am not worth as much as other people. Maybe I am even worthless.

Of course, my parents are good, right? So who is to blame for my feeling of worthlessness? Those other horrible people who keep shopping at the same aisles, passing me in narrow places and talking and talking and talking. These people are so horrible, I want nothing to do with them.

In order to enjoy interacting with people, we need to believe that they are just like us, that they mean well, that they may be worried, that their parents may have taught them stuff they should not have too and that if we do not get close enough to them, we will never get to know them.

Being friendly on the street, dealing with one other person and social mingling are different things and there are other things that may affect your outcomes, such as you communication styles and love languages. For example, visual people do better in a crowd, because they can handle the auditory overload better, while digital people do better when there is something useful to discuss, but by feeling comfortable in the presence of other human beings, everybody does better.

So check your beliefs about other people, check how you behave towards people you do not know and when you meet new people, imagine there is a frightened little child inside them, pulling their strings. Then, look at that child, smile at him or her and help them come out to play ... with your frightened inner child.

Social skills for children

As parents, we can talk to our kids about the importance of social skills until we are blue in the face. What we do matters a lot more. It is hard to convince someone to do something you obviously struggle to do yourself.

If you are afraid of strangers, your kids will most likely be too. If you smile a lot, your kids will most likely smile a lot too. Your call.

Make eye contact,
Gal

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• A Question of Identity
• Stronger Together
• More Control – Less Power

In a newsletter I wrote in February 2008, called "Angels of Love and Demons of Fear", I wrote a story about the key holder. I am bringing it here again for you to see how I perceive the relationship between the two.

Fear is like the Devil that casts a shadow on our life. I know many people who are in constant fear. If you ask them what they are afraid of, they are unable to explain. For some, it is just a pressure they cannot identify. For others, it is more specific, but not enough.

Unfortunately, you cannot fight anything you cannot define. If we want to get rid of our fear, we must know what it is first.

As you know, I like the technique of making a list to recognize and change something we do not like. Making a list of 100 fears can help you identify the blockages in your life. If you are unhappy with your achievements in some area and you dig deeply enough, you will find there is some fear associated with achieving more. If there is a destructive pattern in your behavior and you look at it closely, you will see it is rooted in some fear.

I tell my clients that this list is a big part of our action plan. If we want to achieve something, we must clear the way to it of all the things that are blocking us from making progress and fear is always at the source of those blockages.

As you may know from making other lists (see Make a List), writing down is a way for you to recognize what happens in your mind instead of letting it consume you. This is a private list, just for you, so be honest and do not be afraid to face your thoughts and feelings. That is the idea of this list, after all.

How to list your fears and overcome them

Write everything that comes into your mind quickly and without judgment. Whether it is a statement, a phrase or just a word, writes it down. The faster you write, the more fears will come out of your subconscious. Let your associations run free.

Skip old fears. We have all had fears that are no longer there and there is really no point in bringing them back to life. Focus on what is stopping you today.

When you are angry and agitated, your list will be different from when you are in a good mood. When we are upset, we are much more fearful (this is why we are upset). In that sense, it may be better to write down your fear list when you are upset. I am not sure everyone is able to do this, but if you can, you will probably find even more distressing thoughts than you normally would.

Do not be afraid of repetition. If things seem to be similar to what you have already written, write them down anyway. This will help you find out what keeps your mind occupied the most. At the end, you can combine them into one big item with their collective importance.

Go over your life areas and find fears in each of them. What are your fears regarding your health? Others' health? Money, relationships, career, friends, purpose and emotions (what feelings are you afraid to feel?).When searching for fears, remember that anxiety, stress and confusion are versions of fear. Ask yourself, "What worries me?", "What makes me stressed?" and "What makes me feel confused?" At the root of each of the answers, there is some fear.

Rate your fears. Fears come in different strengths. Some of them are small and others are so big they are overwhelming. It is important to think of how much you are afraid of a particular issue. If you are just a little bit afraid of something, give it a 1. If you are really, really afraid, give it a 10. Rating is a very good technique in personal development that allows you to find the best areas to improve. You may find you have many fears rated 2-3, but the ones that stop you from being happy are in the 8-10 range. Focus on them first!

When you have completed your list, split your fears into life areas. This will help you discover which area is of most concern for you. Several of my clients wrote many financial fears. As we discussed them, they found common sources for some of those fears. As we worked through the solutions, we discovered that some of them relieved several fears at once and made progress a lot faster. By grouping your fears into their life areas, your journey to happiness may be shorter too.

Next to each fear, to write why you think you are afraid. More than spotting the fear, it is important to know what created it. Sometimes, something painful happened in the past and you are afraid of feeling this pain again. Other times, your fear may have no connection to the past. For example, some people are afraid of losing their money not because they have lost money but because they have a belief that "good things don't last forever". Another example is a husband who is afraid his wife might have an affair with someone else. She has never done it, but he is afraid he may not be good enough (for her). The reason for your fear is important, because the solution to a fear of a painful experience from the past is different from the solution to a fear based on a belief.

Find the underlying fear. Your answers may reveal another fear. For example: I am afraid of Mr Dang. Why? Because he is very angry and I am afraid he will shout at me. Treat the reply as another belief and start over. Why am I afraid that Mr Dang will shout at me? Because I am afraid to feel humiliated. You can continue asking "Why?" until you find the source. In this example, the source can be a belief that kids do not like playing with someone the teacher yells at. So the underlying fear is that of social isolation.

Another important thing you can find by asking "Why?" is who caused your original fear. Many people discover their fears were created by something their parents, siblings or other important people have said to (or about) them and that they keep holding these fears long afterwards. It is important to find out who started your fears, because peoples' authority and the validity of their statements fade over time. For example, parents' words are not as important to a 35-year-old man as they are to a 5-year-old boy. Another reason is that circumstances change and while the original fear was appropriate at the time, it may not be relevant anymore. Even those people change and may no longer think the same way. For example, my parents were very afraid when I chose to start a business with my sister. They had had a bad experience mixing family and business and they did a lot to make me change my mind. At first, I was concerned, but then, I decided to go ahead anyway. After two successful (and peaceful) years in business with my sister, their fear changed. Instead of saying, "Every family business relationship is doomed to fail", they changed it to, "Some family business relationships fail, depending on the people involved".

The third part of asking "Why?" is to think of the circumstances that have created the fear. I have a good financial example. While we had to be very calculated with our spending when we were a poor family with 7 mouths to feed, it was no longer the case when I started working and earned lots of money. So there was no point holding on to the fear that the money would run out. I lived in a different generation, I had a different partner, I had a profession, I had lots of savings and I did not have 7 mouths to feed, so I changed my fear to the belief "I have plenty of money. I have enough for a rainy day". That way, I was no longer afraid of money running out. When you find the fear circumstances and the time it was created, ask yourself, "How have circumstances changed since?" It will help you discover that there is always change. You have changed. You are not the same person. You have more skills, more experience, more support, more resources, etc.

Find at least one contradicting example that proves to you that your fear is not valid or real. For example, if I am afraid that I will not be able to submit my article to the editor on time, I recall plenty of times when I have sent articles on time to chase the fear away. Sometimes, just one example can shake the strength of the belief.

The process of changing your fears may be long and challenging, but it is very important. It involves recognizing your fears, finding their sources, shaking the fears and chasing them away, then swapping them with powerful, forward-facing and positive beliefs of love and happiness. This process never ends, because the fears never disappear and new circumstances breed new fears. With the list activity, some of them fade and are not strong and debilitating as much as they were before. Do not be afraid to try!

Have a nice and easy discovery process.

Be happy!
Ronit

You may want to read

• A Little Bit Unhappy
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Borrow from Tomorrow

Video games are considered art. The game designers do their best to make each scene as real as possible and see themselves as artists. You can watch this to understand how this artistic work can be disturbing and potentially dangerous.

Please make sure there are no children around when you watch this video, because it is extremely violent. If you are sensitive to vicious brutality and blood, you may want to skip the video altogether.

While Tsoof was doing his assignment on video game violence, I was shocked with the level of violence the kids were exposed to and it really got me scared. By the end of it, he also showed me some statistics about parents and that got me even more scared.

Parents and video games

Here is a list of figures from a US research into parents' involvement and attitude towards playing video games:

• 50% of parents play computer and video games with their children
• 93% of computer and video games are purchased or rented while the parents are present
• 88% of games are purchased by adults
• 72% of parents believe video games are "fun for the entire family"
• 71% of parents are asked to play by their kids
• 66% of parents believe computer and video games provide good opportunities for them to socialize with their kids
• 63% of parents believe computer games are a positive part of their kids' life
• 50% of parents claim that playing computer and video games with their children provides good opportunities to monitor the game content
• 10% of parents never check the official rating of the computer and video games their kids use

Now, I ask you, would you not feel like there must be someone to blame? Do not feel devastated after reading these figures?

Did you know when reading such things, people use a defense mechanism that says "It won't happen to me". I did the same. I said to myself, "I'm OK. My kids are not exposed to video games. We have never purchased any computer game in our life. We don't have a game console at home". But this mechanism only gives us a false illusion that we are safe, because we are not.

If your kids have computer games and they have some form of violent in them, if they earn points for hurting someone or something, if their games have several lives, if they spend hours playing their games, if you help them purchase the game, if you feel aggressive when your kids disturb you when you are on the computer, if you feel your kids are aggressive, especially when you ask them to get off the computer, if you think the games are good for your kids or that you could never take them away, you kids are impacted. Just like mine are. Because they live in a society that is exposed to violent movies, TV and video games. Because most of their friends are. Because most of the people at work are. Because when they watch TV, they are bombarded with "You must have this video game or you are a looser" messages (like the new ad for iPhone, "Well, you just don't have an iPhone"). It is not enough to make your kids read books, see friends, have dinners together, do their homework, go dancing, play music, do sport or take part in helping around the house. It is not enough anymore, because as soon as they leave home, they go into a world where most people spend hours, heaps of money and a lot of energy on computer and video games.

How long do you think they can stay different?

From Blame to Responsibly

I think parents are not to be blamed for allowing violence into their kids' lives, but they are responsible. They hold the power to change the situation and they can only be blamed for not using this power properly.

Growing up in a home that promotes other stimulation, Tsoof told his 10-year-old sister Noff recently that she should turn off the TV when he saw the cartoons were violent. While before the assignment, he would not have watched this because he had no time, I think that after doing this assignment, he understands why we do not let those things into our home and has more respect and appreciation for us.

I remember when Tsoof was about 10 years old himself, he went to play at a friend's house and all he did there was play X-box. He came home and asked for an X-box. Gal and I said that we preferred him to play with a ball, read and do other things, rather than numb his brain with video games. He protested and said that every child in the world has an X-box. We asked him if all the kids in the world travelled as much as he did around the world, if all the kids in the world loved their sisters as much as he did, if all the kids in the world were as smart and talented as he was and ... he gave up really quickly.

A couple of weeks after he finished his drama assignment, we heard Noff asking for one of those Nintendo games after going to a sleepover, where all the girls had a game. We did not even have a chance to reply and Tsoof hugged her and said, "Noff, remember my assignment? Those games are not good for your brain. They make you aggro [Aussie slang for aggressive]. You are a wonderful girl, because you don't waste time on those things. You don't really need that. Eden and I never had video games and that's why we do so well". Since she admires her two older siblings, she has not asked again.

Tips for parents

1. You are not helpless and your kids' health and wellbeing is your responsibility. Make sure your kids play video games where you can see. Put video games in a central place in your home to ensure you are aware of what the kids are playing.
2. Do not buy everything they want. If you disagree with a purchase, say "No" and make sure they understand that you are the responsible person in the family. If your kids have their own money, you can still say "no".
3. If the games are not at home, kids may play the games when they go to friends, but it is not the same as having them at home. It is quite simple to make a difference. Just don't buy any video games.
4. Walk the talk. If you play video games, it is hard to say to kids "it's good for me but not good for you", even if it is true sometimes. Avoid playing violent games yourself.
5. If you see aggressive behavior in your child, ban video games and limit his/her exposure to violence in movies and on TV.
6. Do not allow any games where killing or hurting someone else is involved.
7. Do not allow games where people are rewarded for acts of violence, even if the characters being hurt are animated.
8. Do not allow games with sexual references and portraying women as sexual objects or prostitutes. If you have a girl, you do not want her to identify with the women in this game. If you have a boy, you do not ever want him to think like that about women.
9. Do not allow games with bad language. If bad language is not appropriate in real life, it is not appropriate in a video game.
10. Google the games and reviews before purchasing a game. If you spend enough time, you will learn a lot about the game before bringing home a destructive, brainwashing game that will distort your child's perception of life.
11. Check the official rating of every game you buy or rent. I have included a rating list at the end of the post for your reference.
12. Rent games before you buy and play yourself before giving them to your child.
13. Limit video game times. Video games are as addictive as staying in front of the computer. Make sure kids have a limit - they will not stop themselves.
14. Limit Internet time. Kids can play some games online. There are many programs that can be block sites and/or the Internet on their computer.
15. Do not fall into the "the whole world" trap. It might be a good idea to tell your kids about the half of the world that has no food, let alone game consoles. Show them this video and let's see how many times they will use "the whole world" trick on you.
16. If you have a feeling your kids are missing out, remember that happiness is not measured by how many gadgets and games your parents allowed you to play but by the number of friends you make.
17. Do not be anti games for the sake of it. There are wonderful games that help with fine motor skills, develop hand-eye coordination and promote curiosity and social interaction. Find these games and substitute the violent games with games that encourage learning, kindness and friendship. A friend of ours brought her X-box to sing Karaoke together. It was awesome fun! Think of your kids as babies - you cannot pull a dangerous toy away from them by force. It is better to give them something safe instead.
18. Fill up your kids' schedule with friends, playing music, playing sport, doing art, cooking at home, going to the library, reading books, listening to music or engaging in any other hobby and they will have no time for video games (this one works best for me).
19. To prevent embarrassment, when your kids go to a sleepover, tell the hosting parent you do not allow your kids to play violent video games. The host will not take a risk and offer the kids other things to do.
20. Talk to other parents and learn from them about video games. It will save you some of the research and share with other parents your findings.
21. If you find a game with a rating that you think is inappropriate - complain!

Parents at my workshops and friends keep telling me, "Ronit, you don't know what you're talking about. We just can't take the games away from our kids". I believe them. They really cannot. It is hard when the kids are already addicted and cannot imagine life without their favorite game. I was lucky I never reached an addiction stage, so the whole process was much easier to me.

Parents probably do what they do - buying, allowing or closing their eyes to the video games their kids play - because they do not feel they have the power to change things, but they do!

To stand strong and express your values requires courage and parents needs to be courageous to stand firm for what they believe is right. If half of the world is doing something wrong, that does not make it right. Teach that lesson to your kids. One day, when their drama teacher gives them an assignment and they choose to do it on video games and violence, they will thank you for it.

We, parents, have lots of power. We can make our kids' life better and we have to do it together. If I raise kids who think computer games are low level stimulation and numb your brain and senses and you raise kids who think they are not different but better and another person raises kids who think the world around them is addicted and they think more clearly because they are not exposed to this drug, and another person raises kids who think their social status has nothing to do with how many gadgets they own or how many people they have killed in a virtual game and another person raises kids who think they have better things to do with their life than sit in front of a screen and play games then together, we can make sure our kids meet each other and form a better world.

I think I need to send Tsoof's drama teacher a thank-you letter.

Wise and clear parenting,
Ronit

Entertainment software ratings

Computer games and video games are rated to allow parents to make informed buying decisions and advise their kids wisely. Here are the ratings used and what they mean:

• EC - Early Childhood. May be suitable for ages 3 and up. Contains no material that parents would find inappropriate.
• E - Everyone. May be suitable for ages 6 and up. May contain minimal violence, some comic mischief and/or mild language.
• E10+ - Everyone 10 and older. May be suitable for ages 10 and up. May contain more cartoon, fantasy or mild violence, mild language and/or minimal suggestive themes.
• T - Teen. May be suitable for ages 13 and up. May contain violent content, mild or strong language and/or suggestive themes.
• M - Mature. May be suitable for persons aged 17 and up. May contain mature sexual themes, more intense violence and/or strong language.
• AO - Adults Only. Suitable only for adults. May include graphic depictions of sex and/or violence. Adult Only products are not intended for persons under the age of 18.
• RP - Rating Pending. Titles have been submitted and are awaiting final rating.

You may want to read

• Video Games Violence (2): Video-game-inspired real violence
• Video Games Violence (1): Shock and Awe
• Topsy Turvy World (4)

When people are asked what scares them most, public speaking is at the top of the list for most of them, scarier even than death. I thought the same when I was a kid. Speaking when someone else listened was so scary I would rather die than read my homework in class.

Kids with small panic attacks

Many kids are afraid to speak or present while a group of other kids are listening, not to mention in front of a grownup audience. At home, they feel comfortable and confident, but as soon as they get to school - blank! They do not remember what the topic was and you can notice a small panic attack: increased heartbeat, blurred vision, broken voice and heavy breathing.

Unfortunately, these kids are often not taken seriously and their parents do not really understand how come their very smart child, who knew all his/her project perfectly did not get a good grade on his/her presentation. Let me tell you something. Acquiring knowledge and presenting this knowledge are two different skills! When your parents do not understand this fear now, you have to deal with two problems.

1. The fear of other people watching you
2. The fear of what Mom and Dad think about your fear

Most parents are brave when they talk about their children's fear of public appearances, although as soon as you ask them to do something in public, the freak out and never take the risk themselves. They give their child millions of tips, but when they need to present in front of their work colleague, they practice for days, work on slides, spend money to buy the latest presentation gadgets (as if this will make them successful), get a haircut and sometimes have a drink just before, in order to survive the anxiety attack they have - even when it is just their turn to present in a small meeting.

I feel very sorry for kids when they express their fear of public speaking. I think I understand them very well. You see, I can stand in front of thousands of people and present a topic, but I was not like that all my life.

When I was a child, I had a huge polyp on my vocal cord. It was so big I had to take a deep breath to produce every sentence. On top of it, my voice was rough and unstable. Even when I was not afraid of anything, my voice sounded broken and shaky.

Can you imagine how scared I was for others to listen to my voice?

When my teacher asked me to read my homework, I would say I did not do my homework. I loved drama, but I never dared to participate in a school play. I still remember my primary school graduation evening, which usually included a performance by all the graduating students. It was full of songs and drama acts. Out of about 160 students, I was one of the 6 kids holding blue ribbons to represent the sea and I felt lucky that no one could hear my voice.

The fear of speaking in front of others is not exclusive to children. Although it normally starts during childhood, being more aware and self-conscious only makes it worse as we grow up.

Can you imagine how many opportunities we miss as children and later on as adults due to the fear of public speaking?

The good news is we can change that and the younger we start, the easier it gets.

How to help your children speak up

School gives many opportunities for children to present their work. It is very important for children to hear their own voice and get used to the sound of it. It is good to do it with a supportive audience and slowly extend it to presenting in front of to others. The fear of public speaking is related to the fear of failure and the fear of being laughed at.

As parents, we need to make sure our children never consider public speaking and presenting as potential failures. They must be opportunities to grow and gain confidence.

Here is how:

1. Kids who live in a home with one or two perfectionist parents tend to have more anxiety about their performance. If you suffer from perfectionism, eliminate it from your life. It is a disease and you will sentence your child to life of misery. If a children cannot focus on the performance but on what Mom or Dad thinks of their performance, no wonder they are anxious.
2. Let kids play with sounds and enjoy the sound of their own voice. Record them making noises and help them relax about hearing their recorded voice (it sounds different). I remember my daughter having a tape recorder as a child. Nowadays, it is so much easier, because you can do it on the computer or on a mobile phone. There are many opportunities - just let them enjoy their voice.
3. Teach kids to tell jokes and capture them on video with your phone or digital camera. Let them watch themselves and make sure you are not judgmental (if you do something that may seem judgmental, it only increases the performance anxiety and blocks their thinking).
4. Spend time listening to your kids reading aloud parts of the book they are reading. This can be done from the second they start reading and can continue later on when they are older and they read something funny and want to read it to you.
5. Tell your children stories about your life, when you had to do something and you were afraid to speak in front of others. It will make it easy for them to know that everyone experiences fear of public speaking.
6. Tell them stories about celebrities who were shy and afraid to speak in public. This is why I like to find videos of true stories from the DVD shop. I think it is essential for kids to realize that we are not born with this ability - we develop it.
7. At dinnertime, play some games (I like personal development games, like "Something wonderful that happened to me today", "3 good things I can say about someone in the family" or "If I had everything I wanted, I would...") and make sure everyone gets a turn. They can learn to say what they think and talk about something personal while everyone else is listening and giving them the attention they deserve.
8. Play with your kids talking nonsense. This is pure voice stimulation. By the way, recording makes it even better.
9. Spend family time singing songs. You do not have to have a special device like a karaoke system or an X-box to sing songs. A CD with songs and lyrics printed off the Internet can be sufficient. Unfortunately, the signing programs emphasize perfection and we want to do exactly the opposite - singing is fun, even if we are not perfect singers. I recommend doing this as early as possible and never stop (our oldest is 22 and still sings with us).
10. Teach kids to use cue cards. Make sure they write on their cue cards in big letters and understand they are for practice, not for the presentation. After using the cards 6-7 times, they will need them less and less. Reading from cue cards is not presenting and even using the same language written on the cards is not presenting. They need to practice spoken, natural language!
11. Encourage your kids to volunteer in class when the teacher asks for students to present things or to read aloud. Again, you can use stories from your own life and work to show that taking this kind of risk pays off.

We have been encouraging our kids to do the things they love doing. When our son Tsoof sees an audience, he is happy. Give him an audience of any size and he will tell jokes, sing songs and entertain them. He is so brave that no one can imagine that when he was in Grade 6, his school had a talent competition (Macgregor Idol), and he practiced singing Superman (It's Not Easy To Be Me) and never went to the audition. The following year, we encouraged him to try again. That time, he went and got 4^th place. Since then, he sings at every opportunity he gets (you can see him at TsoofBaras.com).

Our youngest daughter Noff, sings at home, but rarely in front of an audience. Last year, she sang with Tsoof at a small gathering and this year, she worked up the courage to participate in her school's talent competition singing True Colors. She is only 10 and a few times, she thought of giving up. The first round was in her class, the second round was in front of about 400 kids and teachers, and the final round was during the annual school festival, in front of thousands of people.

Noff was sooooooooooooooooooooo scared. We could see it on her face. But, she did it! She sang so beautifully and won the 3^rd prize. For 3 months after the competition and the festival, her teachers, her friends and other parents at school congratulated her on being so brave, but I believe her real reward is the belief that she can do it! I believe that with this belief, our kids can conquer the world.

Here is Noff singing True Colors on stage. Enjoy!

Ronit

You may want to read

• Raising Grownups
• Optimus Prime: How to help your kids succeed
• Beautiful Kids vs. Brutal Honesty

Real life violence out of virtual worlds

April 20, 1999: 18-year-old Eric Harris and 17-year-old Dylan Klebold killed 12 students and a teacher in the Columbine High School massacre. The two were allegedly obsessed with the video game Doom.

1 April 2000: 16-year-old Spanish teenager José Rabadán Pardo murdered his father, his mother and his sister as an "avenging mission" given to him by the main character of the video game Final Fantasy.

20 November 2001: 21-year-old American Shawn Woolley committed suicide after what his mother claimed was an addiction to EverQuest.

February 2003: 16-year-old American Dustin Lynch was charged with aggravated murder and used an insanity defense that he was "obsessed" with Grand Theft Auto III.

7 June, 2003: 18-year-old American Devin Moore shot and killed two policemen, inspired by the video game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

25 June, 2003: Two American step brothers, Joshua and William Buckner, aged 14 and 16, used a rifle to fire at vehicles on a highway, killing a 45-year-old man and wounding a 19-year-old woman. The two shooters told investigators they had been inspired by Grand Theft Auto III.

27 February, 2004: 17-year-old Warren Leblanc stabbed a 14-year-old child in the park. Leblanc was reportedly obsessed with Manhunt.

October 2004: A 41-year-old Chinese man named Qiu Chengwei stabbed 26-year-old Zhu Caoyuan to death over a dispute regarding the sale of a virtual weapon the two had jointly won in the game The Legend of Mir 3.

27 December, 2004: 13-year-old Xiao Yi committed suicide by jumping from a twenty-four story building in Tianjin, China. According to his suicide notes, he hoped to be "reunited" with his fellow Warcraft III gamers in the afterlife. Prior to his death, he had spent 36 consecutive hours playing the video game.

August 2005: 28-year-old South Korean Lee Seung Seop died after playing StarCraft for 50 hours straight.

June 2007: 22-year-old Alejandro Garcia from Texas shot and killed his cousin after arguing over whose turn it was to play the game "Scarface: The World Is Yours". He pleaded guilty for murder at his trial on April 6, 2011, and will serve 15 to 30 years in prison.

September 2007: A Chinese man in Guangzhou, China, died after playing Internet video games for three consecutive days at an Internet cafe.

September 2007: In Ohio, 16-year-old Daniel Petric snuck out of the window of his room to buy the game Halo 3 against the orders of his father. His parents eventually banned him from the game after he spent up to 18 hours a day with it, and secured it in a lockbox in a closet, where the father also kept a 9mm handgun. In October 2007, Daniel used his father's key to open the lockbox and remove the gun and the game. He then entered the living room of his house and shot both of them in the head, killing his mother and wounding his father. Petric was sentenced to life in prison without parole. The judge said, "I firmly believe that Daniel Petric had no idea at the time he hatched this plot that if he killed his parents they would be dead forever".

December 2007: 17-year-old Lamar Roberts and 16-year-old Heather Trujillo were accused of beating a 7-year-old girl to death. They are said to have been imitating the moves taken from the game "Mortal Kombat".

December 2007: A Russian man was beaten to death. The man was killed when his rival in a video game challenged him to a real-life fight.

June 2008: Four teens obsessed with Grand Theft Auto IV went on a crime spree. They robbed a man, knocking his teeth out, stopped a woman and stole her car and her cigarettes.

2 August, 2008: Polwat Chinno, a 19-year-old Thai teenager, stabbed a Bangkok taxi driver to death during an attempt to steal the driver's cab in order to obtain money to buy a copy of Grand Theft Auto IV.

January 2010: 9-year-old Anthony Maldonado was stabbed by relative Alejandro Morales after an argument regarding Maldonado's recently purchased copy of Tony Hawk: Ride and PlayStation 3 console.

January 2010: Gary Alcock punched, slapped and pinched his partner's 15-month-old daughter in the 3 weeks leading up to her death before he delivered a fatal blow to the stomach, which tore her internal organs, because she interrupted him from playing his Xbox.

May 2010: French gamer Julien Barreaux located and stabbed a fellow player who had stabbed Barreaux in the game Counter-Strike.

October 2010: 22-year old Florida mother Alexandra Tobias killed her baby because he would not stop crying while she was playing FarmVille.

29 November, 2010: In South Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 16-year-old Kendall Anderson bludgeoned his mother to death in her sleep with a claw hammer after she took away his PlayStation.

9 April, 2011: 24-year-old Tristan van der Vlis opened fire in a shopping mall, releasing more than a hundred bullets with a semi-automatic rifle and a handgun, killing 6 people and wounding 17 others, then killed himself. He was inspired by a video game known as Airport Massacre, where the player can choose (or not choose) to partake in the killing of a large group of innocent people inside an airport terminal.

I hope this gives you an insight into how easy it is to reach a point where reality and the virtual world are mixed in such a way that it clutters the thinking. Although I do not believe every child who plays video games becomes a violent criminal, I do believe that it changes attitude and adds fuel to our stressful life and that instead of finding ways to calm and sorting out problems, both children and grownups are learning to increase their heart rate and numb themselves to problems and difficulties.

Join me next week to learn a bit about the role of parents and what we can do to minimize the dangers of video game violence (because we cannot fight violence...).

Safe parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Video Games Violence (3): Parenting
• Video Games Violence (1): Shock and Awe
• Topsy Turvy World (4)

This year, Tsoof had to do a school assignments in drama class. If you think Drama studies are all about playing, make belief or acting, they are not. He had to research a topic and present it in a special style and he worked really hard on this project. Gal and I felt happy and privileged to watch the whole process of this assignment and the way he grew from doing it.

We were shocked by how easy it was to find information on video games and violence. It is all there - all the proof for the negative and devastating effects of violent video games on our society. Yet, the spread of violent video games is increasing and things are getting worse.

While Tsoof was doing his assignment, he had to describe different perspectives of the video games issue. He covered the money perspective, the health perspective, the psychological effects, the artistic perspective (yes, I know it is hard to comprehend, but some people see themselves as video game violence artists) and the parents' perspective.

During the whole time he was working on it, I was looking for someone to blame. It was obvious there is a problem, especially among teens, and I was looking for someone to blame for it. I cannot explain why I was looking for someone to blame. I had the illusion that pointing a finger could ease some of this violence and heartache, but it was just an illusion.

I was not sure how to present Tsoof's findings to you. I was debating whether to tell you my opinion or maybe there was no need. I think maybe just giving you some of the facts about it will be enough for you to understand the severity of the problem. As I believe that as parents, we have lots of power to change this horrible phenomenon. So sit back and be horrified!

Facts about video games and violence

These have been collected from various sites and there are slight variances in the numbers, but you get a scary picture regardless.

1. 60% of video game players are male and only 40% are female
2. 75% of gamers are 18 years of age or older - it is not a kid sport!
3. 26% of the video game players are over 50
4. The average game player is 34 and has been playing for 12 years
5. The average player plays 18 hours a week. Imagine how expert they could be at something productive instead if they dedicated 18 hours a week to it.
6. In a survey done between children aged 12 to 17, it was found that 97% of them had played video games and 50% of them had played the previous day.
7. 50% of the boys and 15% of the girls in the survey had played video games rated M (Mature) and AO (Adults only).
8. 80% of the minors who attempt to buy Mature-rated products are successful.
9. 55% percent of gamers play games on their phones or handheld device.
10. A study conducted at the University of Central Florida in 1998 found that of the 33 games sampled, 41% did not feature female characters, 28% portrayed women as sex objects, 21% depicted violence against women and 30% did not represent the female population at all.
11. The most popular video games, and the ones making the video game manufacturers the most money, contain violent acts.
12. In 2008, 6 of the top 10 best-selling video games included violence, with 4 of the games carrying a "Mature" rating recommended for persons aged 17 and older.
13. The gaming industry sold $60.4 billion in 2009. It is estimated to reach $70 billion by 2015.
14. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, of the 33 most popular video games chosen by children in grades 4 through 8, 21% featured violence against women.
15. In a study done by Dr. Vincent Mathews, professor of radiology at Indiana University School of Medicine, it was proven that adolescents' brain functions are actually altered as a result of playing violent video games. After playing a violent video game for just 30 minutes, the adolescents experienced increased activity in the part of the brain involved with emotional arousal, the Amygdala.
16. The research also discovered that there is a decrease of activity in the parts of the brain associated with self-control. In other words, after only 30 minutes of playing a violent video game, it is hard for teens to control themselves.
17. Research on children's health and wellbeing discovered that exposure to violent forms of media increases kid's nightmares.
18. The American Academy of Pediatrics believe that violent forms of media contribute to aggressive behavior, desensitization to violence, nightmares and fears of being harmed by others.
19. Studies discovered that children who play violent video games are less social and less helpful than those who do not play violent video games.
20. Studies found that children who play violent video games show an increase in aggressive thoughts and violent retaliation to provocation, meaning that when they think they are provoked, they will have aggressive and violent thoughts of revenge.
21. A 2009 survey by the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) in Toronto, Canada, of 9,000 students from Grades 7 to 12, showed almost 10% get 7 (or more) hours of "screen time" a day. A little over 10% also reported having video gaming problems in the previous year.
22. Research done on 1,300 children aged 8 to 11 years old discovered that children who played video games or watched television for more than w hours a day, which is recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics, were 1.5-2 times more likely to show signs of attention issues.
23. Boys who play Teen or Mature-rated games for 40 minutes a day or more may witness over 180 incidents of aggression per day, or 5,400 aggressive incidents per month!
24. A 2008 study on the video game Grand Theft Childhood reported that 60% of middle school boys who played at least one Mature-rated game hit or beat someone up, compared to 39% of boys who did not play Mature-rated games.
25. In 98% of the games surveyed, aggression went unpunished.  In fact, in more than half the video games, the perpetrators were rewarded for their aggressive actions.
26. Between 13% and 22% increase of teen violence is connected to violent video games.
27. Earning points for killing or hurting someone makes the act allowed and rewarding in players' mind. While killing or hurting someone in the real world is unacceptable, kids gain confidence and popularity the more they kill and hurt others in the game. Studies suggest that after playing games in which violence is rewarded, there is an increase in aggressive behavior compared to playing video games in which violence is punished.
28. A study done at the University of California randomly divided 100 male students aged 18 to 21 into 2 groups. One group played a low-violence video game - The Simpsons: Hit and Run - and the other played a high-violence game - Grand Theft Auto 3. During the game, their blood pressure was measured and at the end of the game, they had to fill in a questionnaire about their attitude towards violent acts, consumptions of alcohol, marijuana use and unprotected sex. Men who played Grand Theft Auto had greater increases in blood pressure, more negative moods, more uncooperative behavior, more conflict in their social interaction with others and more permissive attitudes toward using alcohol and marijuana compared to those who played The Simpsons.
29. In many of the video games, the players have multiple lives. A study in 2005 discovered that exposure to violent games makes players care less when a real violent act takes place.
30. Violent video games cause players to associate pleasure and happiness with the ability to cause pain to others.
31. Young children are more likely to confuse fantasy violence with real world violence and have a higher risk of mimicking video game actions in real life.
32. Violent video games require active participation, repetition and identification with the violent character. With new game consoles allowing more physical interaction, the immersive and interactive characteristics of video games increase the likelihood of the participants identifying with the character doing acts of violence.
33. When youth view violence in video games, they are more likely to fear becoming a victim of acts of violence. According to a 2000 joint statement by six leading national medical associations, including the American Medical Association and the American Psychological Association, this fear results in youth not trusting others and taking violent self-protective measures.
34. Violent video games teach kids that aggression is a legitimate way to reach your goals.
35. Violent video games teach kids that aggression is a legitimate way to solve conflicts.
36. In 2007, an extremely violent video game, called Manhunt 2, was released for Nintendo's "kid-friendly" Wii game platform. According to video game news sites, it features beheadings with hatchets, bludgeoning with baseball bats, jamming of syringes into eyeballs, cutting opponents' testicles off and "environmental" kills, in which common objects in the field of vision, such as electrical cords, are used to strangle victims. Unlike using a console, the Wii allows participants to use real hand movement to play the game. Although the game was banned in some places around the world, kids can still access it.
37. The basic prototype for aggression in Mature-rated video games involves human perpetrators who engage in repeated acts of "justified" violence involving weapons.
38. 78% of violent interactions in the first 10 minutes of game play featured lethal violence.
39. In almost a quarter of the violent interaction in mature games, players perceived themselves as stalkers.
40. 78% of the violent action is shown up close.
41. Almost half of violent video game segments featured humor.
42. Only 10 percent of video game perpetrators possessed "good" or "pro-social" qualities.
43. More than 70 percent of American teenage boys have played the violent and adult-rated Grand Theft Auto video game, and those teens are more likely to have been in a fight than those who have not played.
44. Psychologists warn that violent video games may be more harmful than violent television or films, because they are interactive and require the player to identify with the aggressive character.
45. Playing video games is categorized as an addiction. There is even a term for it - "Internet addiction disorder" (IAD).
46. It is estimated that after prolonged exposure to violent video games, children and grownups cannot tell the difference between the virtual world and reality.

If you think this is bad, join me next week for the second chapter of the video games and violence for some interesting news from around the world about people who bring the virtual world of video games into real life.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Video Games Violence (3): Parenting
• Video Games Violence (2): Video-game-inspired real violence
• Topsy Turvy World (4)