Be brave! Keep reading and look carefully at every photo, even though they are scary.

Skeletons

Having a child with Anorexia or any other eating disorder requires strong, brave parents who manage to help their child despite what others might say about them. The problem with Anorexia is that everyone can see it. Most kids do not do a very good job hiding it.

A couple of years ago, I worked with an anorexic woman who was 40 years old and weighed about 25kg (55lbs). Trust me, that was scary! It is not something you can hide very well. When I was in hospital with her, in the mental ward, there were other girls there and not all of them were teens. They looked like skeletons! But it is much harder to notice anorexia when it is developing and people often say, "She's just a bit skinny, that's all. She'll get over it".

Many people think they need to make the anorexic person eat more, but anorexia is a mental problem related to control and it does not go away when you eat more. In fact, taking over control and forcing a girl to eat might only make things worse.

The problem we have in our society is that most women and more and more men have some kind of eating disorder. The exposure to media that tells us how we need to look puts a lot of pressure on people's self-esteem and mental stability. When someone starts showing signs of anorexia, we tend to ignore them by saying, "Everyone these days is dying to be thin". I agree that everyone wants to be slim, but not everyone wants to die for it.

When I talked to the girls in the mental ward, none of them realized their anorexia might kill them. One of them was about 24 years old and the doctors told her she would never be able to have kids, because starvation had damaged her reproductive organs. She had a great explanation for it, "When the body is missing essential nutrients, it takes them from organs that are not vital and reproduction is not vital". She was in hospital for over 4 month and her mother and father did not come to see her even once because of the shame. When we talked, she sounded as if life had been sucked out of her - no joy, no smiles, no motivation, no hope.

Spending a month there with my client, I felt that the joy, the smiles and the motivation were seeping out of me, fast. I was happy to go home in the evenings.

Yet, when I took the group of them, including one in a wheelchair, because she could not stand on her feet, to the nearby shopping center for supplies and lunch, they all behaved like little kids in a toy store. I spent the whole day trying to convince the ward it would be healthy for them to go out, see people, breathe fresh air and want things to buy, because wanting is a very important factor in healing, especially wanting to live. Sometimes I could swear the hospital was making it worse. If your daughter develops anorexia, you should do everything you can to make sure she is never hospitalized.

Much like in many health problems, early diagnosis is vital to good recovery. A person with anorexia will try to hide it, but if you establish good relationships with your kids and you see them getting dressed sometimes, it will be easy to notice that something has changed. Anorexia is a way to cope with a problem and it gives the person temporary relief. If you pay attention to your children's physical and behavioral changes, you will notice that something is wrong easily and quickly. It may not mean your child is anorexic, but it is something you need to pay attention to. In Special Education, we say that we need to see enough "red lights" to confirm a diagnosis and I think this is also a wise way of reacting to anorexia. But when you see enough red lights, it is time to seek help.

Anorexia warning signs

Here is a list of anorexia warning signs. Since every person is different, they come in different combinations, but when you know your kids well, you will spot them.

• Obsessively counting calories and being very rigid about what they eat
• Skipping meals
• Fasting without medical guidance
• Swapping meals with fluids
• Avoiding particular foods for no health reason
• Taking vomiting tablets
• Taking laxatives - you can see they go to the toilet immediately after meals, so listen to check if they vomit too
• Sudden interest in "healthy eating"
• Not wanting to eat food they used to like
• Constantly claiming they have eaten already - it is OK from time to time, but when it becomes a habit, something is wrong
• Talking about food as "good" or "bad"
• Avoiding social gatherings where food is served or, if they have to go, saying, "I am allergic/sensitive to..." or "I have eaten already" when you know it is not true
• Excessive or compulsive exercise - some people love to exercise and there is nothing wrong with it, but being obsessive about it is not healthy. Obsession can be exercising no matter what or showing distress when not being able to exercise
• Being obsessed with diets - developing a sudden interest in weight-loss programs, websites and recipes, showing extreme interest in celebrities' shapes and diets, eating slowly, eating with teaspoon and cutting food into tiny pieces
• Generally, obsessive behavior is a sign there is some disorder. When people insist on eating at a specific time, having the same rituals, drinking from a certain cup or sitting in a specific place, it is a sign of obsessive behavior. Eating disorders are obsessive behaviors related to food. Changes shake their world. Even if it does not seem major, pay attention and address it when it starts
• Avoiding social activities and not enjoying things they used to enjoy before
• Never being hungry
• Lying about what they have eaten - anorexics are not all sophisticated. For example, you can tell when they bring back their lunch box full. One of my clients discovered many sandwiches behind her son's bed, which he had thrown at the end of the day so she would not know he had not eaten them
• Sudden weight loss or a change of clothing style to wearing big clothes and long sleeves so no one would notice the loss of weight. Look at their hands and legs. If you think they look like a skeleton, something might be wrong
• Feeling cold most of the time - a lack of nutrients affects our ability to keep ourselves warm
• Not having a regular period - it is very important for every mother to know when her daughter gets her period so that when something has changed, she will notice. Remember, reproduction is not vital. If your daughter wakes up in ten years and says, "Oh, I want to have kids now", it may be too late
• Feeling tired most of the time and not being able to perform regular activities
• Fainting or feeling dizzy
• Lots of complaining about being overweight. It is good when kids complain about their problems, so you should be very happy when they complain, because you know what they are facing and you can help them. However, when the complaint seems unrealistic and does not stop no matter what you do, it is a bad sign
• Anxiety around mealtime and general moodiness and irritability - these are usually signs that something is bothering them and it is much like the complaining
• Expressing feelings of "out of control" - remember, eating disorders are actually control problems. It is your daughter's way of gaining control over her life. Help her regain a sense of control. Give her choices, even create opportunities to choose and let her know she is in control of her life
• Expressing feelings of shame, unworthiness and guilt - generally, these are not healthy feelings. They may not be signs of anorexia, but it is one of those "red lights" that we need to pay attention to, particularly when others are "turned on"

Anorexia is typically a problem among women, although there are more and more cases of boys with anorexia. Pay attention to your boys the same way you pay attention to your girls.

Anorexia can develop from social triggers, chemical imbalances and other reasons, but so can other thing. If your child is showing the signs above, maybe they are developing anorexia and maybe not, but whatever the problem, early intervention is always better than having to convince a 40-year-old weighing 25kg to eat.

Be brave! Read the signs!

Happy and healthy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Anorexia: Exaggerated Perception
• Anorexia: Model Parenting
• Stories: Fact or Fiction?

I have always believed that fat was a result of heavy thoughts, because the mind is a powerful thing. Now, I have the research to back it up.

The show "You are what you eat" showed people they had full responsibility over what they ate. I think they can call it "You are what you think", because a recent research discovered that our thoughts have a direct impact on what we eat - we gain weight when we have "fat thoughts".

In recent times, "light" became a keyword for food shoppers. We are convinced that in order to be healthy we need to eat "light" food - no fat, no calories, no sugar, no salt, etc. Well, our body reacts badly to it. The more we try to be healthy, the harder it is to lose weight.

Why is that?

In a research done in Yale with the really cool name Mind over milkshakes: Mindsets, not just nutrients, determine Ghrelin response, participants were given milkshakes with 380 calories. Each participant was given the same 380-calorie milkshake on two different occasions - once, they were told that it was "The 140-calorie Sensible Shake" and the other time, they were told it was "The 620-calorie Indulgent Shake".

Their blood was sampled three times, 20 minutes before drinking the milkshake - this was the baseline - and twice more at the 60-minute and 90-minute marks. Each time, the blood test measured the gut peptide Ghrelin, which creates the feeling of hunger. The more Ghrelin you have, the hungrier you are.

The participants were also asked to rate their satisfaction and their answers were consistent with what they thought they were drinking. They rated the "Sensible" shake as 7 times healthier, but enjoyed the "Indulgent" shake much more and found it far more satisfying.

Surprisingly, those who believed their milkshake was the "Sensible" low-calorie shake also showed an increase in their Ghrelin levels, meaning they were hungrier after having the shake than those who thought they were drinking a 620-calorie milkshake. Their body agreed with their mind.

This research had some conclusions I think everyone should be aware of:

1. What we think about our food has a strong impact on our feeling of hunger and satisfaction.
2. What we think about our food has a stronger impact on our body than the nutritional value of the food does.
3. Over time, the thought that healthy food contains fewer calories makes people believe their food is not satisfying and they feel hungrier after they eat it.

How to raise kids with "light" thoughts

(you can use them on yourself too)

1. Stop counting calories. Make sure your kids do not see you paying attention to calories. Counting calories may be a good technique for people to manage their diet, but if they believe their food is not satisfying, they want to eat more.
2. Do not talk to your kids about dieting. Even if you are avoiding things or changing your eating habits, do not call this "a diet". The mind associates dieting with avoidance and with prevention of joy and satisfaction, which will backfire. Dieting only links bad feelings with food, which is a pleasurable and necessary part of life.
3. Advertising low-calorie food as healthy can trick us into buying it, but it cannot trick our body into thinking it is good for us.
4. Tell your kids their body is wise and will make them eat as much as they need. Teach them to listen to their body and pay attention to the signs of "fullness", "hunger" and "thirst". When we listen to our body, we notice when we eat too much.
5. Teach your kids that every person is different and what is good for one may not be good for others, so they need to find what is good for them.
6. Teach your kids the concepts of "balance" and "moderation". It is OK to eat junk food from time to time. It is OK to drink fizzy, colorful and sweet drinks from time to time. It is OK to bring take-away food home from time to time. However, moderation is the name of the game and most of their food should be nutritious.
7. Continual dieting is a form of eating disorder. It is better to have kids who are a bit overweight than to create an eating disorder, which is much harder to fix later on. If your kids have to lose some weight, do not call it a diet. Present it as a new way of eating for the whole family. Dieting should never be seen as punishment (for eating too much or not eating "right"), so if you are not 100% sure a change of eating habits will do the trick, do not start.
8. Teach your kids to enjoy food and not to be afraid of food. Food is not an enemy. Joy goes together with satisfaction. Sugar and fat cravings increase with stress, so when you are satisfied and relaxed, you do not eat too much.

Be happy. That is the lightest thought ever!
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Raise Food-Smart Kids
• Don’t eat and run
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Food

I had this conversation with a friend of mine who is a health fanatic. You may ask yourself what a "health fanatic" is and my answer is that it is someone who is very conscious about health, but so conscious it is not healthy…

I became health conscious when my daughter Eden was 18 months old and a very sick girl and only a change in our eating habits brought her breathing back to normal and made her a healthy girl again. Since then, she has hardly ever gotten sick (and she is 21 years old now).

Do not get me wrong, I think that eating healthy is beneficial. However, as a life coach, I totally reject the idea of creating fear in kids' mind about the dangers of junk food because "we are what we eat". Instead, I believe that "we are what we think" (about eating, among other things). I think it is more damaging to think that our food is an enemy than to eat junk food and be happy. I am not a junk-eater myself, but I think that junk food can provide something good for the soul that no healthy food can (freedom of choice, good taste, instant satisfaction, etc).

Anyway, I had this discussion with my friend and she brought up the topic to convince her three kids to eat healthy food. I think she thought that because we were a fruits-and-vegetables kind of family and I preferred healthy food I would back her up and support her argument, so she asked for my opinion. It was very hard for me to do it, but I could not tell a lie (especially not in front of my own kids) so that question backfired on her.

I am telling you this because I think that if you are not careful, you will have that conversation with your kids one day and it is better to be prepared.

She said to me, "Look around you. There are more sick people than there ever were. The food we are eating is not nutritious enough. There is too much antibiotics in meat, too much processed food and too much cancer. People are dying because of extra use of chemicals in their life. What's your opinion?"

I had to make a decision on the spot. I knew she wanted me to support her for her kids to recognize it as something "all mothers think", not just her being fanatic. The problem was that it was just her being fanatic.

I said, "Really?! I am looking around and I'll tell you what I see. My dad is 77 years old and he is a pretty healthy person. My mom is 71 years old and loves doctors and medication. 6 years ago, she came to visit us and we travelled around the North Island of New Zealand for 12 days. We spent most of the day on our feet and even trekked (with then 3-year-old Noff) for about 6 hours. My mom did very well and she was 65 then. My dad did even better than she did and he was 72 years old. I am looking around and what I see is that those sick people who eat junk, food that is not nutritious enough, consume too much antibiotics with their meat and gobble up cancer-inducing processed food, those people live longer".

Ouch!

Before you think I am crazy, here are the facts:

• In Australia
  • Life expectancy in 1965 was 69.70
  • Life expectancy in 1985 was 75.63
  • Life expectancy in 1995 was 77.08
  • Life expectancy in 2005 was 80.63
  • Life expectancy in 2010 was 81.50
• · In the USA
  • Life expectancy in 1965 was 70.21
  • Life expectancy in 1895 was 74.56
  • Life expectancy in 1995 was 75.62
  • Life expectancy in 2005 was 77.71
  • Life expectancy in 2010 was 78.30

(Source: NationMaster)

I hope you see how increasing this is.

My question to my friend was, "How come when we had little or no technology, we did not pollute the air and the water, we did not 'abuse' the soil and take all the nutrients out of it, we lived less?"

In the past, people lived very short lives. Mothers died often while giving birth. In 1900, men lived to 48.3 years of age on average and women to 46.3. They died from a simple flu because someone sneezed next to them (penicillin was only invented/discovered in 1928) and by the age of 30, most of them had no teeth!

In 1950, only 50 years later, people could see their grandkids already, because males lived to 71.1 and women lived to 65.6. Babies still died at birth without their mothers drinking processed milk and eating at MacDonald's and every tumor was a death sentence.

(Source: Life expectancy in the USA)

If you want a great visual representation of the changes in life expectancy (and other things) through the years, check out this interactive map (switch the X axis to "Time", select your country and click "Play").

This is the life expectancy around the world in 1800 (only 210 years ago):

People all around the world died between 25 and 40 years old on average.

This is the life expectancy in 1960 (only 50 years ago):

People in some countries (USA, Europe) did much better than others (Asia, Africa).

This is the life expectancy in 2009 (last year):

200 years ago, there were countries with less than 40 years life expectancy and now there is no country with less than 40. In fact, other than African countries and Afghanistan (mainly due to wars), the life expectancy in the world is higher than 60 year! The Chinese (the big red circle) climbed from 32 to 73 years (2.28 times the lifespan) in the past 50 years, while being exposed to junk food, fast life and Western technology.

I suggest you do not try my friend's trick on your kids. They are computer savvy and they will you out in a flash.

I believe it is the food we eat that makes our kids strong and healthy and allows them to live long enough to go to university, learn science and technology and innovate to make food more useful to the body, so their kids will grow to be strong and healthy and smart and start studying at universities even later (maybe only when they are 40 years old) and have some life experience before they innovate and find ways to increase life expectancy even more…

I do not know about you, but I think I will go for some junk food tonight…

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The "Light Thinking" Diet
• Supplement Your Life
• In Excess

It started with Sharon, who asked to come to relationship coaching with her husband to sort some issues they had had between then for many years. Steve was not as keen as she was. In his client details form, he wrote, "I am not happy that my wife wants me to leave the house because she would like to have sex with other men".

Sounds strange, right? Well, when they came, he said, "I love you and I want to make it work", but she said, "I wanted to come so we can separate in a nice and civil way" (oh, by the way, there are kids involved). When I asked them to rate their sex life, she gave it a 0.

"Do you remember a time when it wasn't a 0?" I asked her.

"No. It was always bad", she said.

Ouch! I felt my heart drop. They have been together for 10 years. Excuse me, how did you survive with this 0 for ten years? And how can you say 0 about such a good-looking guy whose muscles could be proudly shown in any magazine? OK, I know size doesn't matter, but still.

After Sharon left, Steve stayed for a long time and described a long and dysfunctional relationship with many sexual problems. Sharon had sounded so willing to make it work when we had talked on the phone, but was so cruel to him during the session.

I reminded myself it takes two to tango and no problem is ever on one side.

-- Deep breath, shake off bad emotions, on with the job --

A day later, Connor called. His wife had told him to "make some changes, or else". On the phone, things sounded very reasonable. She had done some personal development and had said to him, "We can't continue like this. You must develop yourself too" (I agree in principle, although personal development depends on a person's internal motivation).

However, when Connor came to see me, his wife had already left the house and had arranged a creative solution, in which she stayed at a friend's house for 3 or 4 days a week, while he was with the kids, and then they swapped and he left the house for the remaining 4 or 3 days.

Excuse me, WHAT?! Wanting your husband to grow and develop is supposed to be a good thing that can make your relationship better (not that I totally understood from him what she wanted). It is NOT a good excuse to leave the house and break things up while he does his best to improve!

Anyhow, I took the opportunity to learn more about Connor and see what I could do for him. A week later, he came and said, "You know, two month ago, we moved from another state. My wife had felt bad about her body for a long time, so despite our financial difficulties, I got her a personal trainer a month ago. Last night she said she was moving to live with her friend permanently to give herself some time to think, because she had feelings for her personal trainer".

Make no mistake here - Connor is good looking, with beautiful blue eyes, not some Woody Alan type.

"S&%#", I said to myself, feeling like I am taking part in a cheap soap opera and trying to convince myself that this can be good material for another book. Think about it, I do not just get to write about it, I am actually part of a book. I am a life coach, so I can teach myself to like it…

Connor left and I gave him a big hug (I give all my clients big hugs).

-- Deep breath, shake off bad emotions, on with the job --

The day after David came, his wife told him she wanted a divorce.

"Why?" I asked him.

"I really don't know", he said.

Come on, David, no one wants a divorce for no reason, I said to myself.

After an hour of investigation from top to bottom, I realized he really did not know it was coming (and trust me, I can investigate). Wonderful love, normal struggles of a couple pretending to overcome problems but not really dealing with them. David knew it takes two to Tango, but he really did not know how to dance.

"When did things start going wrong?" I asked him.

"Around our son's birth", David said.

"When was the last time you went out together as a couple?" I asked.

"I don't remember".

"When was the last time you had sex?" I asked.

"She's kicked me out of bed. I sleep in another room now, so it's been a while", David said.

Ouch, that probably hurt. Maybe it's better not to go down this path, I said to myself.

"She sent me an email today to say she had gone to see a lawyer and she wanted 90% custody of our son", he told me (I did not even ask).

Later that day, David left very motivated (after I gave him a big hug), but I was so drained, I went crying to Gal, "I'm surrounded by crazy women".

Gal smiled (lucky for him he only smiled) and I knew this smile. It is funny to hear this from me, the gender equality fighter and defender against discrimination who does not allow anyone to say next to me "Women are… or "Men are…"

"Maybe they all had their period", I tried excusing.

Gal smiled again and I knew he was saying, "The whole month?"

"Maybe they said things 1,000 times and the men just didn't listen to the warnings", I tried again, "Or maybe I feel like this because they all came in the same week".

Eventually, Gal hugged me and most of my frustration melted (until now that I have written about it again), but if I could, this is what I want to say to all of those crazy women (obviously, I cannot tell them, because it is not what coaches do. This is why you are my victims and I am going to say it to you).

That's it, I have vented. I feel better now.

See you tomorrow,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Easy Divorce
• Save your marriage (19): Best Marriage Quotes
• Crazy, Stupid, Love

I have also examined the TV-watching epidemic in Australia and found interesting statistics done by the Australian Bureau of Statistics. Read and enjoy (or not )!

Source: Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS), Children's Participation in Cultural and Leisure Activities (cat. no. 4901.0) - www.afc.gov.au/gtp/wftvviewkids.html
Notes: ¹ During the most recent two school weeks prior to interview in April 2006.

The main concern, of course, is the high percentage of kids who watch 20 hours of TV a week or more.

You are probably asking yourself, "What's the problem with watching too much TV?" For the next five weeks, I will explore the concerns about watching too much TV, so stick around and find out.

Many studies have been done on the influence of TV on viewers (in fact there have been 4,000 studies on the effect on children alone, which you should not read if you love watching TV).

Excessive TV viewing raises concerns in five major areas:

1. Health
2. Behavior
3. Outlook on life
4. Relationship
5. Education

How TV affects health

Researchers have found that watching too much TV decreases people's physical activity (kind of obvious, no?). Some obesity experts even think that the best way to fight obesity is to turn off the TV.

One third of Americans (and Australians) are overweight. A National Health and Nutrition survey in 1995 found that 4.7 million kids between the ages of 6 and 17 (11% of the age group) were severely overweight. The main reasons for this were being inactive (with an average of 22 hours of TV a week) and a high-calorie diet.

A study done in 1991 showed that on average, kids watched 200 junk food ads in just 4 hours of watching cartoons on Saturday morning. Is it a big surprise they consumed a lot of junk food?

Professor Roberto Salti of the Meyer's Children Hospital at the University of Florence claims that watching too much TV has an effect on the hormone Melatonin and starts puberty earlier.

Another major concern regarding the influence on TV on health is the overwhelming effect it has on women's body image. Studies on the effect of media on girls' body image show that "Photoshop'ed" (digitally "improved") magazine photos, digital images and celebrities' obsessive desire to look skinny are the main causes for bulimia and anorexia.

Most women are on a diet and think they are too fat, although most of them know that media advertising of skinny models and celebrities, showing women 23% skinnier than the average, is not realistic or normal.

While Marilyn Monroe's 70kg was the ideal weight 40 years ago, today's models and celebrities consider the ideal weight to be 45kg.

Two years ago, I worked with a 40-year-old woman who weighed 32kg. I researched the Anorexia epidemic, I saw a newspaper article calming that 18% of girls starve themselves for more than 2 days and that 11% of girls throw up to lose weight (as opposed to 3.4% in 2000). 8% of girls smoke cigarettes to reduce their appetite, an increase from 2.4% in 2000.

If you understand the magnitude of this health concern, it is good to understand that we are talking about 1 out of 5 girls who starve themselves or throw up to lose weight. If any girl you know is involved in any kind of sport, the article says, "Among female athletes, the chance of eating disorders is reported to be between 15% and 62%"!

On Nation Master, I found that Australia is only 8^th on the mortality rate as a result of eating disorders with only 8 deaths per year, as opposed to the United States with 218 and Japan with 126. Germany is in 3^rd place with 40. I hope you are convinced we have a health problem.

The National Eating Disorder Information Center in Canada released some alarming statistic stating there are 12 times more deaths from Anorexia than the annual death rate due to all other causes combined for females between 15 and 24 years old.

If you are a parent and you have a daughter, you probably think to yourself "This won’t happen to me". I know I did. But eating disorders are the third most common chronic illness in adolescents. Most of it is influenced by misleading promotions on TV and Photoshop'ed ads in magazines.

A study in high schools in Canada found that 50% of girls were on a diet because they thought they were overweight.

If your daughter is young and you think, "I’ll deal with it when she is a teen", think again. Records show that eating disorders are increasingly seen in children as young as 10. A research in Canada in 2002 found 37% of Canadian girls aged 11, 42% aged 13 and 48% aged 15 said they needed to lose weight. By the way, 52% of them started dieting before the age of 14.

As you can see, TV has a major effect on people's body image, lifestyle and weight and promotes bulimia and anorexia in women.

Join me next week on the influence of TV on kid's behavior.

Healthy eating,
Ronit

For a resource to help your teen deal with negative body image,
read the story "Bojé's Magic Powder" from my book
Be Special Be Yourself for Teenagers.

You may want to read

• The "Light Thinking" Diet
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Food
• Healthy Eating by Shock Treatment

In previous posts, I have written about healthy eating but I wanted to tell you about a technique that, when done properly, can make a huge impact on kids' eating - the "shock treatment".

When we lived in Singapore, we heard how this technique helped the Singaporean government minimize their crime rate. It was brutal, but it worked. In First Grade, at 6 years of age, kids are taken to the prison, to watch criminals getting whipped with a cane.

As foreigners, we were shocked at first that such young kids are exposed to rough treatment but after two years of growing admiration to the methods of the Singaporean government (they are the most efficient organization ever), I changed my mind. After all, the crime rate in Singapore is consistently declining when in the rest of the world it is rising, so they must be doing something right.

How to use shock treatment to get your kids to eat healthy

This is how it works: you use everything in your power to make your kids realize the consequences of eating junk. It is your responsibility to make sure they stay healthy, so you might as well get results.

Whenever you see a negative consequence of unhealthy eating, point it out to your kids. The younger they are, the more effective the treatment is. After a while, your kids will be programmed to think that it is better for them to eat healthy.

Shock therapy examples:

1. You see someone without teeth or with black, broken teeth. Tell your kids "See this? That's what happens when you eat too much candy". Of course, this one can double as your prompts for "See this? That's what happens when you don't brush your teeth"…
2. Whenever you see someone really fat, say, "You see, this is what happens when you eat too much junk".
3. When you go to the mall and see so many people buying diet pills and other powders, tell your kids, "These people work so hard for their money but have to waste it on diets because they eat too much junk".
4. When you stand next to the chocolate and candies isle or processed snacks isle in the supermarket and see a fat person buying something, say "You see, this is what happens if you spend too long in this isle".
5. Whenever you stand next to a junk food stall, draw your kids' attention to fat people or people looking unfit or sick and say, "This is what happens when you eat hamburgers for breakfast, lunch and dinner".
6. When you go for trips and see people around you huffing and puffing and hardly able to walk, say, "You see, this is what happens when you eat too much junk. Your body is too weak to be active and do stuff".

Make sure you do not talk about dying because of food. Food is not bad and it is very important not to pass messages that food is bad. The messages should be "too much junk is unhealthy", "eating unhealthy is costly and it is always better to spend money of fun things" and "being sick is miserable and we can be healthy by eating well".

Again, the younger the kids are, the more effective this is. When I try this on my 19-year-old, she smiles. For her, I am transparent, but she is a very healthy eater, so I know my shock treatment has already worked. You just need to do it enough times for them to believe what you are saying is true.

Go shock some sense into your kids!
Ronit

You may want to read

• TV Diet (2): Health Concerns
• How to Raise Food-Smart Kids
• The "Light Thinking" Diet

It is the quality or the nutrition in the food we give our kids, coupled with the teaching of good habits, that will determine our kids' health as children and later as grownups.

When people reach a health crisis due to unhealthy eating habits, they usually make the right changes, but then it is very hard to change habits that are already part of a daily routine. This is why people fall in the cycle of "Yo-yo diets" and loss of motivation. If you want to help your children, think ahead and make sure they never reach this point of having to change unhealthy habits.

Parents are the role model for most kid behaviors. If a mother diets, her daughters will diet even if they are underweight. Therefore, if we want to help kids with smart choices about food, parents are the first place to start.

Here are some practical tips on how to model food-smart habits and ensure your kids spend time, energy, money and effort maintaining their health:

1. Have family meals together. Even if this is technically hard, make sure you do this at least some evenings every week. Work around everyone’s timetable and have "together time". Meals play an important social role that kids miss when they eat by themselves. If they do not eat together, they will tend to grab something and eat to make it easy, which is how fast food becomes the norm.
2. When you eat - eat. Make sure eating is done with no TV, radio or music to allow conversation and social interaction. Paying attention to what we eat is very important, as well as eating slowly and calmly.
3. You eat it first. If you want your kids to eat something, eat it yourself, prepare it and put it on the table. Never give your kids a chance to say “but Dad/Mom doesn’t like carrots”. If you are fussy, do not expect them to eat everything you present to them.
4. Buy Fresh. When you shop, buy fresh rather than processed food. If kids open the refrigerator and all they see is fruits and vegetables, they will end up eating fruits and vegetables. If they see chocolates, cakes and other processed foods, they will eat more of those. Aim for a ratio of 90% healthy and 10% junk. Find out your current ratio and gradually improve it towards buying fresh.
5. Introduce different kinds of food. Make sure your kids are adventurous with food. Teach them to try new things and explore different tastes to establish a positive attitude towards food. Let them mix things on their plate to create new combinations (and bite your tongue if you have to).
6. Go on "food travel". Take your kids to ethnic restaurants and try food from different countries in the world. Kids will eat in the restaurant things they might not like to eat at home. Try to stay away from the kids' menu, which is typically standard, boring stuff, and remember that saving money is not always the best thing to do. Most kids' menus are less healthy than the grownups' menu. You are paying, so use this power wisely. If you get into a conflict with your kids over the food, let them choose between two healthy options. This way, they have some independence, but they will eat good food either way and their variety will keep growing.
7. Find creative ways to prepare the food. Zigzag or wavy knives can be magic. Decorate their plate with sauce and build pancake towers. Some kids eat the beauty of the food, so use this to your advantage.
8. Give your kids choices. If you want your kids to enjoy their food, ask them what they prefer for you to make. Again, give them two or three healthy choices and let them pick one. If they have contributed to the decision, they will eat it better.
9. Let your kids make the food. Invite your kids to make food for you or join you to the preparation. Kids tend to eat better when they have made the food. From the stage they can read, you can give them a recipe and ask them to cook or bake.
10. Make meal time happy. Avoid fighting or lecturing during meal time. Use the opportunity for everyone to tell about their day. Families that constantly fight during meal time stress their kids and cause them to fear mealtimes. Play games, sing songs, have a family meeting, spend some time planning, tell jokes and laugh a lot.

Together with the right kind of food, our habits are important in maintaining our health. When people diet, they will always tell you that changing their habits is the most challenging part of that change.

If you want your kids to be food-smart, start early!
Ronit

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It is amazing how many women struggle with their weight. When I talk to women about how they think of themselves with an extra 3 to 15 kg, they usually express feelings of disappointment, failure, being ugly, not sexy, not wanted or clumsy and this is all because they feel they do not fit the standard weight graph (which, by the way, seems to shrink every 10 to 20 years). Most of them are not happy at all with their weight but they have many excuses for their being overweight.

Here a just a few examples of reasons women provide for being overweight:

1. I cannot stop eating
2. I eat when I am upset
3. During my period, I eat more
4. It is not that I eat a lot. I just hate exercising

If you are not a mother, dieting is much harder, because you cannot use excuses like: "I am pregnant" or "I am breastfeeding". Every woman, when she becomes a mother, gets some time off from the dieting cycle for about two years around each pregnancy, which is a great relief for many. If you are already a heavy person, but you are holding a baby in your arms, people seem to forgive you more readily for carrying the extra weight. After all, babies are much more important than looking like a model.

If you are a mother, you can always use this great excuse: "It is because of my pregnancy". People tend to be very understanding and forgiving when you say that.

I have used this excuse myself, 5 times in fact, and I have to say that I was also much more forgiving towards myself at these times.

Pregnancy is the best excuse for carrying extra weight and, although forgiving ourselves is extremely important, every mother must take into consideration that this excuse is only valid around her pregnancies and not for many years later.

If your reason to be overweight is pregnancy, make sure you use this excuse only for up to a year after your child’s birth. You are in serious denial if someone says to you "Oh, congratulations! So how old is your child now?" and your answer is "5 years"…

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It is always good to help kids handle their overweight at an early stage (like I have said before, the earlier, the better). However, first-time parents may be unsure as to the healthy range for their child to be in, especially when the child is very young and looks a bit chubby. A short visit to the doctor can help you decide if you kid needs help or not and how to help them. Once you know where you stand, you will act with confidence.

When Eden was born, she was HUGE (as in "off the charts"). She had a healthy appetite and grew very quickly, and some people commented on her appearance. Being a new mother, I wanted to be sure, so I took her to the doctor, who told me that Eden was OK, because her height was as far off the charts as her weight… After that, those who commented got a confident lecture for their trouble.

It is important with overweight kids to emphasise their positive traits and minimize discussion on their physical appearance. The more you focus on their physical look, the more you will damage their self esteem (see self esteem mini-course here, here, here and here).

Find areas in which they are good or could be good and put the focus there: music, chess, art and so on. Avoid areas requiring flexibility, physical strength or speed. The more you focus on the good stuff, the more the kids' self-esteem will increase and their weight will shrink.

It is important to tell kids that weight is external and is like clothes. We can change it if we want to. Our weight does not determine who we are. Tell your kid about successful people who are overweight to help them separate the two. Encourage them to look for a healthy, vital, energetic feeling rather than a number (actually, muscle weighs more than fat).

Kids do not need to lose weight so Mom or Dad will be happy or for the kids in their class to love them. Talk to your kids about skinny kids who are not popular to show them these things are not linked. It is important for kids to maintain a healthy weight in order to feel good, to play the games they want, to participate in all the activities they like and to enjoy their food.

Instead of saying something whenever they eat unhealthy food, say something good whenever they eat something that is good for them.

Instead of saying to them they are lazy and sit in front of the TV all day, say something positive every time they are physically active.

To help kids with their self-esteem, focus on the things you want instead of the things you do not want for your kids.

As with everything else, change in this area may take time, and at first, you may struggle to find positive things to say. However, YOUR mind must change first, and you will find it easier and easier with practice. As you learn to see the good in your overweight child, the most wonderful thing will happen - a healthy child will emerge, strong and confident, who thinks "Mom and Dad love me, which means I am good and I can love myself too".

What more could you ask for?

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It is important to remember that it is better to handle the problem when it is small. It is much easier to handle 2 extra kilos than 5 or, God forbid, 20.

A family can really help kids in their hard task of losing weight. Changing family habits can make it much easier for the struggling child, not to mention that everyone in the family can benefit from it too. It is always better to develop habits that become part of life rather than eating 3-4 months of yucky food.

Instead of making it look like the kid is on a diet because he is fat, it is better to say, "We all need to take care of ourselves and we are all going to eat healthier from now on". If you present it like this, it is much easier for your child, but requires all other family members to participate.

Remember, it is hard for your kid to eat what you do not have at home. So if you find yourself saying, "He/she eat sweets all the time", pay attention to what you buy. If you did not have candies at home, your child would not be able to eat them, right?!

I have a very good friend whose teen son is very very very heavy and eats chocolates all the time. She asked me for tips to help him lose weight. I asked her some question to find out where she could make a change.

• Where does he get his chocolates from?
• Does he have his own money?
• Do they sell chocolates in the school Canteen (I know they do not, because it is now illegal in Australia to serve sweets in the school Canteen)?

From her answers, I discovered that the mother, who was a skinny woman herself, ate chocolates "in bulk". On her shopping list, she had chocolate as a permanent item and she was buying about 3-4kg (9lbs) of chocolate a week!

Do not put an obstacle in front of a blind man
- Jewish Proverb

Get these temptations out of the house. Get rid of the ice creams, the cakes, the snacks, the candies and bring home lots of fruits and vegetables. If you go to the shop and 2/3 of your trolley is in packets and boxes, you are being cruel to your overweight kid.

Help you kid find a physical activity they can do and enjoy. I would not recommend activities that only highlight their overweight difficulties. If it is hard, find a physical activity you can do together as a family.

Remember, 3-4 months of doing it together with mom and dad could save your kid lots of heartache that otherwise would take years, if not a whole life of struggle.

You may want to read

• How to Raise Food-Smart Kids
• Anorexia: Warning Signs
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Food