But it is not. Time flies when you are having kids.

In the past few weeks, Ronit and I have done some reflection and some planning. Last week, we went away on our own for a couple of days and spent most of that time dreaming about the future and coming to many important realizations about how our life will change.

In 3 weeks, Tsoof will be graduating from high school. In 5 months, he will be going to university. In less than a year, he will get his driver's license.

In just over a year, Eden will finish her Bachelor's degree and start working in psychology, while she continues to study. Shortly after that, Noff will start going to high school (she is our baby and she is only 10 now, but this is what will happen, whether we believe it or not).

In 4 years, Eden will get a Doctorate in Psychology and may already have a serious partner. Tsoof will get a Bachelor of Music, having probably built a serious track record in the Brisbane music scene and a solid portfolio of compositions. Noff will be 14 and will be able to travel independently on public transport. She will also be very busy with drama, dancing, singing, playing the flute and homework assignments.

In 7 years, Noff will finish high school and already have a driver's license.

After that, who knows?

In previous generations, when people lived to around 70 and their last few years were spent quietly and often around hospitals, this meant Ronit and I would have another 12 or so good years to look forward to. However, technology evangelists claim that within 20-25 years, mankind will have the ability to cure most illnesses and even regenerate, and this means we may live to be 500, if we just look left and right before we cross the road (What road? In 50 years, we will all be flying).

This reflection has made us think of how precious every moment we have with our children is. Even the bad ones. There is no going back. Kids grow and then they are grown and they can never ride on your shoulders or giggle at silly nothings ever again.

It also made us realize how much our life is going to change and how many things we had better start doing to get ready. Our home, our cars, our financial considerations, our schedule and many other aspects of our lifestyle are going to change, then change again and then change some more. Now, we have to consider the kids first, but in the very near future, it will mostly be just us and this brings with it a lot of freedom.

We will have a lot of flexibility and free time, in which we should keep developing ourselves, having a good time and enjoying each other's company more than ever before.

After working hard much of their lives and waiting eagerly for a free moment, many couples separate shortly after their children leave home. What seems to be the most positive thing when it is scarce becomes a dangerous thing when you have too much of it.

Thank God for grandkids. Eden should get started on them sometime in the next 7 years too. We only hope she will live close enough for us to see them often.

Maybe we will start writing a grand parenting blog...

What will happen to you in the next 7 years?

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Are You a Normal Parent?
• Crazy, Stupid, Love
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Gender

Usually, I reject the desire to be normal, because I believe we need to examine every situation separately and manage our behavior accordingly. This week, I had my beliefs questioned when I heard about a conflict between parents who are both my clients about the way to raise their 2-year-old daughter.

Damian and Alice were very successful. They were wealthy, established professionals, yet they struggled to raise their 2-year-old daughter Mel. Damian was anxious about their daughter and Alice tried very hard to reach "normality".

At first, I thought Alice's desire to be a normal family cluttered her perception. I did not really understand what she meant when she said, "Damian is not normal", but the more I got to know them, the more I realized that although striving for normality may be limiting, having no sense of normality can be devastating for children. I understood that isolation and normality could not go hand in hand.

The conflict between Damian and Alice started when Mel, their first and only child, was born at a very late stage in their life. Damian was 47 and Alice as 45 when their daughter was born after 20 years of a wonderful life together. Unlike most couples, Damian (not Alice) retired from life and dedicated every possible moment to his daughter. He lost interest in friends, hobbies, his wife, his work and counted the seconds until he got back home. When he came home, Mel was on his hands and he did not leave her for a second on her own. He talked to her constantly, even when he went to the shower or the toilet. When he was home, he did not allow Alice to spend any time with Mel and insisted on being her main carer.

Alice was OK with that in the first couple of months, because she was home during the day, but when she went back to work (as the main provider), evenings became a parenting competition.

They called me when Mel threw horrible tantrums, refused to let her mom take care of her and said she only wanted Daddy. At the age of 2, she could not say a word yet and she whined and cried constantly. By that stage, I did not think it was unusual, because in many families it happens the other way - the child prefers the person who takes care of them most of the time, which is usually Mommy. This time, it was Daddy and I could understand the delay in language development because Mel grew up in a bilingual home. However, as I spent more time with them, I realized the problem was much bigger than that. Damien was so isolated in his world of joy he had no idea what to expect of Mel or how to help her develop.

For a year, Alice was convinced everything was pretty normal, until one day, they visited members of Alice's family she had not seen for years and saw their 1-year-old daughter sitting on the floor and playing with toys by herself. Alice said to her cousin, "Wow, your daughter is amazing. She plays by herself" and her cousin looked at her surprised and said, "What do you mean? Every 1-year-old child can sit on the floor and play with toys".

Later that weekend, when Damian played with Mel on the floor, fed her and talked to her constantly without giving her a second to respond, Alice's uncle came to her and whispered in her ears, "What's wrong with him? Does he ever stop and let her be?"

Alice came back home and did not think much of it until one rare day when Damian could not get home in the evening and she had a chance to take care of Mel. She discovered that Mel was a wonderful girl. She played on the carpet, she did not throw any tantrums, she communicated with Alice without words and Alice's concept of normality changed.

The following day, she noticed that when Damian was with Mel, Mel was very clingy and did not allow anyone to help her, feed her or shower her. She whined and cried constantly. When they went out to a restaurant together, she threw temper tantrums and when she spent time with Mel on her own, she was the most wonderful baby in the world. Alice started demanding to have private time with Mel, which made Damian even more anxious.

Damian said to me that he was very worried for Mel. I smiled when he said that. A first child always makes parents worry. But his worry was not normal. He did not "allow" her to be on her own for a second - not on the carpet, not in her bed, not with Alice and not with her toys. When I asked him why, he said, "She is too young!"

When he found her awake in bed, he made sounds of disaster, "Poor girl, you must be sad", and when she cried, even if she was on Alice's hands, he picked her up immediately and said, "Daddy will take care of you".

When Mel had a rash and the doctor suggested them to avoid showers for a while, Damien decided they would shower her once a week. I saw them a year after the rash incident and asked them if they had seen the doctor since. They said, "No". When I asked them if they had tried showering twice a week, they said, "No". When I asked them how long they planned for her to shower once a week, they both looked at me puzzled.

Damian did not want their cook to come when Mel was home, saying, "There are knives on the bench top". "What's wrong with having knives on the bench top?" I asked, "We all use knives to cook". He said, "Not when Mel's around. Knives are dangerous".

Mel could not hold a spoon, because she was "too young" to feed herself. If she played with the kitchen drawers where plastic containers are stored, he said, "It's dangerous for a 2-year-old to play with plastic containers". He refused to let Alice fly with Mel on her own. When Alice gave him examples of a woman he knew who had flown with her baby, he said, "You're not Deb and Mel's not her daughter".

When they flew away for a vacation, he asked Alice to book a hotel that was close to a hospital and book tentative flights back home in the middle of the vacation, "In case Mel gets sick". They never had dinner together. "Mel is intensive. When she eats, she constantly demands attention", he said and Alice protested, "How do you explain her sitting at a restaurant with both of us?"

When they had guests while Mel was awake, Damien ignores the guests and they usually ask Alice, "Is it always like this?" When I asked Damian about it, he was surprised I said, "They don't understand. She is just a baby".

Isolation limits perspective

When I talked to Damian, he said several times, "Alice doesn't know what to do with her. Mel won't let Alice put her in bed. She's just a baby. All babies throw temper tantrums. I can't take the risk". He was totally convinced that Alice was incapable of taking care of her daughter and that leaving Mel with Alice was a real risk.

I have heard from lots of women that their husband "couldn't change a diaper" and I knew it was part of the "I'm the more important parent" game that Damian was playing with Alice. Unlike many husbands, Alice did want to change diapers and during the first year of their daughter's life, feeling rejected by her husband and daughter, she developed the idea that she was not normal and that something was wrong with her motherly instincts, until she saw her cousin's daughter playing by herself.

Whenever I talked to Alice about her feelings and the way she treated Mel, she was amazing. She was very clear and allowed her to have wonderful experiences. As long as Damian was not around, she felt great being a mother. So she started changing her schedule and worked from home more to be with Mel during the day when the nanny was home. As she built her confidence as a mother (when Damian was not around) she realized that their parenting was dysfunctional and she asked my help.

When I talked to both of them, I realized that neither Damian nor Alice knew what was normal for children and what was not. Their life circumstance had made them very isolated from the world. While I was with them, I said to myself that my first nephew was a wonderful lesson in normality for me and that having an early childhood center with 1.5- to 5-year-olds had given me lots of perspective by allowing me to see a wide range of behaviors. Isolation interferes with developing perspective.

Damian was an only child who grew up with his grandparents after his dad left and his mom could not raise him for some reason and came to visit him on weekends. When I asked him if he had ever seen a 1-year-old baby before he had Mel, he thought about and said, "No, never. Mel is the only 1-year-old baby I've ever seen".

I thought to myself, "Well, no wonder he's anxious. He doesn't know what to expect".

Here is a list of things that isolated Damian and Alice and prevented him from developing perspective that is so important to parents.

1. Having kids at a later age. By the time Mel was born, Alice and Damian's friends already had kids who were 10-18 years old. At first, Alice and Damian spent time with their friends, but soon after, they stopped. They had no chance to learn how parents treated their kids, what was normal and what was not.
2. Both Damian and Alice were "only children" and had no siblings, no nieces and no nephews to see how to behave or how their parents behaved.
3. Most of the parents with kids around Mel's age were very young and they did not feel they could relate to them, so they did not hang around them.
4. They did not attend any playgroup.
5. Their daughter did not go to childcare, so they could not see other kids' (or parents' or carers') behavior.
6. Their families lived overseas, so they had no support structure.
7. They did not participate in any Internet parenting forum.
8. They were both highly educated, but did not read any parenting material.

It was amazing how small changes can make a huge difference in people's life and lead them into developing perspective. Damian and Alice still have a long way to go, but in the last 3 months, Mel has started going to a childcare center, she showers every day and she is calm and friendly. Alice called and told me they had gone to a birthday party on the weekend and Damian had allowed Mel to go with Alice to the room where all the kids had been. For the first time in her life, Damien had stayed with other dads to have a chat. Mel had played with the kids for 3 hours and Alice had watched her with tears.

"At first she struggled, but after about 10 minutes, she was fine. She was just a normal girl", she said. Damian said it was not easy for him, but he had never seen her so happy.

Parenting your children is (and should be) a unique experience. Doing what everyone else does is not always best, but being exposed to a variety of parenting styles and options can help greatly to fine tune your uniqueness as a parent.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Babies
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Decision Techniques
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Teaching about Choice

When I see couples during their relationship coaching program, the "right" trap is always there. It is not always spoken, but it underlies a lot of the conflicts. One of the partners or both of them have a strong feeling about their "rightfulness" and they cannot let it go. The problem is not just thinking that they are right, but believing the "right thing" exists, because when they sort out the first conflict by putting pressure and giving up, they get a confirmation of their "rightness" and they expect the next time to be the same - one is right and the other one gives up - a recipe for disaster.

Mira and Chris came for relationship coaching because Mira was convinced she was right and Chris was wrong. It happens a lot that one person does the booking and it sounds like this:

"Chris, why are you here?"

"Mira asked me to come".

It was a very honest answer and it helped me find out who was seeing themselves as the "right" one in that relationship.

"OK, Mira, so why are you here?"

"I need you to explain to Chris..."

I knew that was another "right" trap.

First, I need to explain that our relationship coaching program is not mediation. It is meant to help the couple find their strengths and use them to renew their love and build their relationship on a mature and respectful foundation. If you want to get help in your relationship so the therapist can tell your partner he/she is wrong, you are trapped.

The story of our life

In every interaction, the participants bring thoughts, feelings, ideas, words, behaviors and actions from their own story. Everyone has a story - the story of our life. This story evolves with everything that happens to us in life. The story starts at birth and accumulates feelings, thoughts and ideas, much like a writer adds letters to words, words to sentences and sentences to paragraphs telling us about the characters of the story, their emotions and actions.

Many pages of our story are written without our control. Our parents, for example, are part of our story without us ever choosing them. Many things in our life enter our story without choice. No one chooses their place of birth, family's socio-economic status, parents' professions, siblings' health and the list is long. Yet, all those things influence the story greatly.

I was born with physical disability. I did not choose that, but it shaped much of my attitude. I lost two children. I did not choose it, but it has made me the passionate person I am today.

Every conflict is a clash between two stories. The "right" trap is when one person is convinced their story is the right one
- Ronit Baras

In every marriage, there are many decisions to make that create the risk of a conflict and a clash of stories. It is hard to make decisions on your own and even harder when you have to agree on them with another person, especially when both of you are responsible for the lives of young children.

Gal and I disagreed on how many kids to have and the age gaps between them. My story was "I came from a family with 5 children. It was tough. My parents worked several jobs to support us and could not really give us all the attention we needed. I studied education and I want to give each of my kids individual time for about 5 years, so I want them 5 years apart". Gal's story was "I came from a family with 4 children. It was the best thing in the world. My parents could provide for us and my mom spent time with us, so I want to have 4 kids with 2-3 years gap between them".

Can you see how this can become a conflict? And which one of us was right?

Mira and Chris did not have children and their conflicts revolved around two large and adorable dogs that were dear to both of them. They had many arguments about eating times, whether to let them onto their bed and whether to buy them dog food or home-cooked food. You might think that divorcing over dogs is silly, but it was a big thing that stood between them. The topic of the conflict is not so important. It is just a symptom.

Giving up is not a solution

Mira's story was "My parents divorced and my mom was weak. I will never let that happen to me, so things must happen the way I want them to in order for my marriage to work". Chris' story was "My parents divorced and stayed friends. I now have 2 pairs of loving parents and my dad is very generous to my mom".

For a while, Chris gave up, because Mira pushed her story hard enough. But giving up is not a very healthy way to handle conflicts, because no one on Earth can give up forever. It is very common in any divorce or relationship breakdown that one partner says, "I am sick and tired of giving up". When someone gets to this point in the relationship, it is very hard to talk sense into them, because in their story, they have reached the limit of giving up, they are sick and tired of it and, like it takes time to recover from sickness, it will take time to recover from feeling used.

Mira's trap was not only that she was convinced her point of view/story/reasons were the right ones, she did not allow any space for Chris' point of view /story/reasons. She would say firmly, "Of course we have to let them into our bed. Why else would you have dogs?" For her, there was only one story that would lead everyone to the same conclusion - at night, the dogs must sleep in bed together with the couple.

All the time they discussed things in my presence, she was surprised Chris "did not understand what needed to be done". Her thoughts, feelings, beliefs and ideas were so obvious to her, she really did not consider that any other story, belief or thought was possible. The reason they considered divorce was not only that Mira wanted me to "tell him", but also that Chris was "sick and tired" and understood that always giving up was not sustainable.

Read the signs

If you have a conflict with your partner and you are convinced you are right and he/she is wrong, you are headed for a breakdown.

If you have a conflict and you think that giving up is a solution, you are headed for breakdown.

You may be wondering what kind of a relationship it is that "giving up" is not part of it. Relationships involve give-and-take and we can never get everything we want. Is the alternative to fight all the time?

Many people confuse compromising with giving up, which is a big sign to notice before the marriage goes downhill. While giving up is a sign of a power struggle with one story being more important than the other, compromising is a sign of maturity, respect and acceptance, with the two stories being heard and both parties looking for something in the middle.

When Gal and I were thinking of having kids, I wanted kids in the last year of my diploma so I could spend time with my new baby during my last year of the degree, which was supposed to have only two courses. Gal wanted it a year after we both finished our degrees. There were two years gap between our wants. My wants had all the right reasons and Gal wants had all the right reasons. We compromised on the middle. It wasn't perfect for me, wasn't perfect for Gal but we didn't get into "My story and my reasons and my philosophy and my fears are more important than yours"

When Mira and Chris argued, underneath every conversation was the question "Whose story is more important?" In their case, as in many other situations, since Mira was the main provider and Chris was struggling with his new business, both of them felt her story was more important. This is a very dangerous zone, because couples that give more weight to the main provider are not equal in their decision-making and this may be a risky pattern in their married life.

During their relationship coaching, I helped Chris and Mira understand that when we push the other person to accept our story, our story does not become theirs and we jeopardize our relationship. They realized that when we give up and do not express our story, it does not cease to exist and affect our life and we jeopardize our relationship.

When I was a kid, there was a road safety campaign with the slogan "On the road, don't be right, be smart". It was a great campaign, because many years later, I can still remember it when I drive. Even if there is a green light, I slow down through junctions. Even when I have the right of way, I let other cars merge and exit car parks. I think this slogan made me a safer driver. In marriage, this slogan is very appropriate.

In marriage, don't be right, be smart
- Ronit Baras

It is important in every marriage to read the signs leading to divorce. No one gets up in the morning and decides to divorce without going in that direction for a while. Arguments are a sign that something is wrong in the relationship. Do not confuse arguments with disagreements. Not every argument is a sign you are going to break up, but if one or both of you think you spend more time arguing than enjoying each other's company, it is a sign that something has to be done to stop this deterioration.

How to save your marriage

If you want to stop the cycle, remember there are two stories in every argument and both of them are valid. If you put pressure on the other partner to accept your story, it will risk your relationship. If you think "Nothing could possibly be a reason for him/her to say/think/do this", you are wrong. Obviously, something did! Accept that the other person has accumulated thoughts, fears, beliefs and life experiences that can explain their behavior.

Ask! Show interest in your partner's story. I was convinced that bringing kids 5 years apart is the right thing. I had a huge backup of reasons, but when I listened to Gal's story, I realized that my story was just as right as his story was. When you accept that in every argument, it is possible for both sides to be right, you are on the right track to saving your marriage.

Happy relationships,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Boiled Frog
• In My Opinion
• Make Eye Contact

If you are a believer, you do not need convincing or proof. Whether you believe in God or in another set of rules, you do not question the rules. You accept them as commandments and this gives you the confidence and the certainty to keep going forward in your life. The difference between believers and non-believers is in the questioning and the doubt.

I am not saying there is no place for questions in life. On the contrary. They are very important in coming up with the commandments of the bible, but once you have come up with a commandment, it becomes a living guideline. Questioning it makes it (and you) weaker.

You may be wondering about having rules that are "set in stone", because that is the idea of a bible - total credibility, surviving the challenges of time and endless validity. Well, I am a strong believer that nothing can be "set in stone", because the rules of the past are not all valid anymore and they do not survive time challenges. No god has ever said anything about the Internet and today's social technology, for example, yet they are a growing part of our life today.

So bibles are evolving scriptures that need continuous updates to suit the challenges of time and they get their validity from life experiences. Therefore, we all need to stop from time to time, go over our parenting bible and review it with questions like "Is this rule still valid now that my son is 15 years old?" or "I wrote this commandment 20 years ago. Is it still a strong belief for me now?" Maybe the best reflection question is, "How can change my bible so that will take me to my destination faster, more easily and more happily?"

So I do not think any bible should be set in stone and I think it evolves with every experience we have. Having a review session from time to time is necessary to keep it valid and strong. The bible I had when Eden was born was not the same as the one I have today. For example, When she was a baby (almost 22 years ago), traveling was not part of my life and I had no commandments related to traveling with kids or babies. After seeing what traveling has done to Eden and traveling with Tsoof as a baby, I adopted many commandments that made the choices of what to do with Noff, who was born about 6 years later, much easier.

1. Raising kids is a privilege - it is the ultimate human creation. Do not underestimate your role in designing their life. It is a big responsibility with great joy. Children come with a "no return" tag, so do not make the decision to bring a child (another child) into this world lightly and when you are pregnant, take care of the holy place where your baby grows and develops - your body. Do not abuse your body when you are pregnant.
2. Babies need loving male and female role models and to grow up around other people - do your best to stay with your partner and be in a good relationship. A good relationship between the parents greatly affects the kids' health and wellbeing. Try to have an extended family around them. If they are not around, have good social circle of friends to substitute.
3. Relaxed parents = Relaxed babies - babies have the most sensitive feelers. They sense their parents, especially the parent who spends most of the time with them, so take care of yourself!
4. Talk to babies all the time - tell them what you are doing, explain everything, use big words, big concepts and discuss thoughts, ideas and feelings. Babies absorb everything, even if they cannot yet show it.
5. Breast milk is best - if you cannot breastfeed, give it up. An upset mother "turns the milk sour". Breastfeed for 7 months if you can. This was written in my parenting bible when Eden turned 7 months. I wanted to breastfeed for a long time, but that was in contradiction to 32 other commandments about treating my body as a temple. After 7 months, I realized I was getting upset trying to avoid so many things and being tied to the feeding schedule and I wanted my body back. With Tsoof, I did not have to question myself anymore. I said to myself, "7 months seemed to work well with Eden, so I will do the same with Tsoof", and it was exactly what I did with Noff too. Last night, we had a girls' night out and one of my friends said she had been pregnant or breastfeeding for 10 years of her life. She had her babies about 2 to 2½ years apart and breastfed each of them until she got pregnant again. She told everyone how being in a cycle of not sleeping, not having her body to herself had gotten her out of balance and how badly it had influenced her life. I immediately told myself I had been lucky to develop my breastfeeding commandment with my first child.
6. Do not be upset when babies make a mess while eating - eating should be fun. It is not a science experiment done in a lab. Dirty shirts are not the end of the world and your baby practicing independent eating and successfully getting the spoon into their mouth is more important than the cleanliness of their shirt or the eating area.
7. Babies cry as a form of communication - this is how they say things. They cry when they want you, they cry when they are lonely, they cry when they are wet and they cry when they are hungry. Learn to recognize the difference between the cries and treat crying as their way to communicate. It is not always a sign of distress, anger or disappointment. When you communicate respond to your baby's crying, talk and do not complain.
8. Babies should sleep in their own room, in their own bed - having the babies in Mom and Dad's bed is not healthy for the couple and does not give the baby the space he/she needs to rest and develop healthy attachment. For the first 2-3 months, babies can sleep in my room to make it easy to breastfeed at night, but after that, they go into their rooms. Mom and Dad's bed is a great place to sneak into early in the morning (especially on weekends) and when the kids are sick. Do not send messages that will be hard to change when the next baby comes along and even a king size bed can no longer fit everyone in.
9. There is no such a thing as an overdeveloped baby - when you read about the "right" age to start crawling, sitting, standing, walking, talking, etc, remember these are just averages. If you babies do anything earlier than "normal", it is not dangerous or anything like that. Babies do what they can and we should not prevent them from developing just because the average baby does it later. On the same note, developing later than the average is not necessarily a sign of a problem. Babies do not have exactly the same biological clock.
10. Babies do not need total silence to fall asleep - babies who get used to sleeping in complete silence become fussy and make their parents' life harder. When there are more kids in the house, the baby just does not sleep and it is very hard to invite people over. Get your baby used to falling asleep under normal conditions.

There are many baby rules in my bible. I have tried many more and only kept those that worked for me.

Eden was born on the first day of the 36^th week. I had high fever and could not breastfeed for 10 days. The nurse told me I did not have any milk when I took her home, but I insisted. On my first night home, Eden slept for 7 hours and ate well every 4 hours like clockwork.

When Tsoof was born 6 years later, and after losing 2 babies, I came home and thought I would go with feeding by demand (because everyone around me said it was the right thing to do and I had doubts). I came home after a cesarean and Tsoof wanted to eat every hour. At night, I was so exhausted I started crying. I was so nervous I was convinced it was the last time I ever breastfeed. Tired and upset (and on medication), I woke Gal up and said to him, "We have two options now. I either give up breastfeeding or you take him away from here and do whatever you can to let me sleep for 2 hours". Gal was wonderful and I kept breastfeeding Tsoof for 7 months (every 3 hours).

When Noff was born over 6 years later, the literature and the discussion about breastfeeding by demand was even more popular, but I already had a commandment, without doubts, that said breastfeeding by demand contradicted rule #33 - Take care of yourself!

I hope you understand how important it is to build your own bible to boost your confidence and why backing it up with experience eliminates doubt.

Come back next week for the next part of the parenting bible: change.

Happy parenting!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Are You a Normal Parent?
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Decision Techniques
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Teaching about Choice

Well, evidently, a lot.

Somehow, too many of the parents I meet treat their children like a burden and parenting like the hardest and most unrewarding thing they have ever had to drag themselves through. "Those kids could drive you nuts", they say with a tormented face and a desperate voice, "I wish sometimes I could make them go away, even for a while".

Wait a second! How did you get from "koochi koochi koo" to "get away from me NOW, you little monster"?

Let's backtrack to before we were parents. What were we then? Oh, yes, we were a young couple at the peak of our health and abilities, our dreams ripe with success and fame and changing the world.

So why did we have kids?

Because we figured, "What best way to manifest our joint love and personal magnificence than to create a wonderful little creature together and love it forever and ever?" Because of the 6 emotional human needs, parenting was going to give us everything: certainty (because we are god-like and can create a life), variety (because kids grow and do bigger and better things over time), significance ("Isn't he just adorable? He's mine, you know"), love and connection (oh, the cuddles and that trusting baby face), growth (we will get to that shortly) and contribution ("Our daughter will do truly great things, I just know it").

But as soon as we come home with our little bundle of (we quickly discover) screaming, peeing, pooping, breast sucking, always wanting some kind of attention (were you thinking of joy?), we realize that the price for fulfilling all those needs was our freedom.

Before you jump too high for your own good, think about it for a second. Parenting is great in many respects, but it is a lifelong commitment to our children, people we did not know at the time we made that commitment. In fact, with no parenting experience whatsoever (for most of us, anyway), we committed ourselves to many years of unknown challenges we could not imagine and had no assurance we could handle, let alone be good at.

[Hey, what is with this guy? Is he not supposed to tell me how parenting is great?]

But really, are kids a burden?

Well, that depends on what you choose to focus on. It also depends on how you view the family system and your role in it.

Parenting is a choice

Unless you are in complete denial (or something really horrible happened to you), becoming a parent was your choice. Even if you ran away from home and had no money for contraception and "it just happened", it was still very much your choice. Sex, after all, is something you need to participate in and during months of pregnancy, there is a lot you can do to avoid having a baby.

Get it? It was your choice to have kids.

You are in charge

By the way, it was certainly NOT your kids' choice. If you are not sure, try to recall yourself choosing your own parents. Your children did not choose when to be born, where to be born or who they want to be born to. In fact, there is little of importance they do choose during much of their young lives.

Instead of wondering how THEY became so annoying, a better question is how YOU may have contributed to the way they behave and how YOU developed the view that the most precious people in your life are annoying.

Again, before you jump too high and hurt yourself, this is not about blame. It is about discovering what influences your kids' behavior and how you perceive it. Once you find those influences, you should be able to change things quite a bit, be happy and help your kids be happy too.

Kids are human too

If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
- Shylock in The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare

The most common attitude parents have toward "troublesome kids" places the parents at the center of the universe and views the kids as their extensions. In this view, when a child "misbehaves", this reflects badly on the parent. Using this model, the only possible explanation for screaming at the supermarket is that the child is trying to make the parent feel uncomfortable.

But people rarely do things for or against others. Like it or not, we are all self-centered and do everything we do because at some level we believe it will be good for US. So when you feel uncomfortable with your child's behavior, there is actually something else entirely that made them do it. They wanted to get something for THEM.

When you put it this way and start looking for what your children want, you may find out that it is in your power to give it to them. In return, you will get your peace and quiet, a seemingly compliant behavior from them and the feeling that you are a great parent.

Win-win!

The Hollies sang a famous song in 1969, which describes a brother's loving treatment, which I find inspiring as a parent when my patience almost runs out. Just swap "he" with "she" or "they" and "brother" with "son", "daughter", "kids" or even "babies".

Brings a tear to my eyes every time, this song, and instead of being angry with my little ones (regardless of their age), I hug them and speak to them softly.

How about you?

Loving parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• More Control – Less Power
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Decision Techniques

Down Syndrome can be detected during pregnancy by checking the amniotic fluid (Amniocentesis) or after birth by a quick physical test. In 1866, a British physician named John Langdon Down described the condition. Almost 100 years later, Jerome Lejeune discovered it was caused by an extra copy (whole or part) of the 21^st chromosome. The chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome is 1 in 733, but it becomes more common with the age of the parents.

Apart from very distinctive facial features, the average IQ of kids with Down Syndrome is 50, as opposed to the general IQ average of 100. Their health is very poor and their life expectancy is very low, and even though their life expectancy is increasing, the intellectual and physical disabilities remain part of their life and the life of their parents.

The announcement of the condition came to the couple as a shock, but surprisingly, their family and friends took it even harder. While Naomi talked to people on the phone, she found herself comforting them, rather than them comforting her. Some people even said silly things, not because they were mean, but because they had never experienced the grief of losing a baby. It reminded me of the things people said to me after losing my second baby, "Never mind, you will have another one". As a grieving mother, I was not in the right state of mind and that sounded to me as if I were a machine on an assembly line, going for make the next product.

It was amazing to hear how people reacted. The first reaction was, of course, "Is it definitive?", "Can you have another test to make sure?" and "Is there anything they can do to reverse this?" Unfortunately, the Amniocentesis merely confirmed the earlier Alpha feto-protein test result that clearly showed a problem. The doctor showed her 5 different tests indicating an extra 21^st chromosome.

The second was a religious reaction of accepting what God had given her and having no right to stop the pregnancy. Personally, I have an issue with this position, which I see as hypocrisy. I look around me and see millions of religious people doing their best to cure the illnesses that God gives them. They build houses to stay away from the weather God gives them. They innovate and an create better technology, making lots of progress and showing no sign of accepting what God gives us (unless of course you decide that what God gives us is the mind and body to do just that).

I remember the ethical debate we had during my special education studies. We talked about "innocent lives", "rights" and "choice", but how on Earth can you use "right" and "choose" in the same sentence? It is an oxymoron!

I always thought that when talking ethics, we are only debating whose definition is more important? Who is more important, the Down Syndrome baby's life or the lives of about 50 people around them (parents, siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunties, cousins and friends) whose lives will change significantly? What about the education and health systems that need to support them for the rest of their life?

Throughout the discussion, I was surprised by parents of kids with Down Syndrome who justified their own condition. I am not talking about those who discovered the condition at birth and had not known their baby might have Down Syndrome. Those people should be admired for doing the best to make the most of this condition and find the "gifts" in a bad situation. We can learn from them how to make the most out of life and how to deal with the condition, but cannot take their recommendations to abort or not to abort the pregnancy.

I have heard some people talking about the baby's right to live and that the parents have no right to kill a baby just because it is "damaged". I do not know about you, but I find it more problematic when parents cause damage to their babies by smoking, using drugs and abusing their body during pregnancy, but I do not hear the same noise being made about these things.

It is amazing that the discussion starts when the test shows a bad result and not when the mother decides to have the test. Why would anyone do a test, especially a risky test like Amniocentesis, if they plan to ignore the results?

As you can see, I am very emotional about it. I have worked with children with severe physical and cognitive disabilities and supported their parents and I have no idea why anyone would voluntarily do this to themselves. The only person I would take advice from is someone who would make the same choice twice.

Personally, I do not believe I could tell someone else what the "right" thing to do is, because I believe that in this case, "right" is something that no one else has the "right" to choose for you. People who do not have to deal with the consequences of their judgments lose all their "rights" to the decision.

Therefore, the poll is not about whether someone having to make that decision is right or wrong but what would you do if you had to make that choice.

May you never have to face this choice!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Baby’s Sex – To know or not to know (poll)
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Babies
• Give Me 22 Reasons

When I was in high school, it was very common to hear stories about brothers and sisters who fought with each other constantly. I heard things like "My brother is so stupid. He's always in the way" or "My sister is such a terror she never listens".

Now that I am at university with students who are a little older, they are much more aware of the reasons behind it all, but they still seem to fight and argue a lot with their siblings. When I ask if they get along with their siblings, they reply, "Sure don't. He hates my guts" or "No way! I can't stand her". One of my friends was on such bad terms with her sister she would wish on an almost weekly basis that her sister would hurry up and move out.

It is said that sibling rivalry is influenced by things like parental treatment, birth order, personality and experiences. Apparently, sibling rivalry is particularly strong when one child is gifted.

This makes sense to me. In my family, I am the eldest and boy am I bossy! And Noff is the youngest and she knows she can get away with almost anything. Tsoof is particularly musically gifted and he has his things that he gets away with too. All three of us are involved (to varying degrees) in music, in dance, in art and in academic studies.

Still, I have never said I hate my brother or sister and we have much we could fight about. Sure, we fight sometimes, but if we were jealous of each other, we would (all three of us) be in constant turmoil, because one of us is always doing better at something. You might hear us argue about whose turn it is to do the dishes or yell at each other for leaving our stuff lying around, but we love one another and we all know it.

Let me share some stories with you...

At the end of last year, my brother Tsoof participated in a musical extravaganza that showcased all of the music groups at his high school. He was in almost every band and every choir. He sang solos and did drum scats and he was fantastic. Everyone who knew him was proud enough to burst and I was the proudest of them all.

Not too long ago, he performed one of the lead roles in a musical at his high school. He was absolutely amazing. He sang and he danced and he acted and he smiled his way through a wonderful performance. Everyone in the audience was amazed and proud of him and I was the proudest of them all.

A few weeks ago, he participated in a "battle of the bands" sort of competition. I rushed to see him after my late evening university class and I watched him play his heart out. Some of his school friends and teachers were in the audience and, of course, my parents. Everyone was proud of him, but I was the proudest.

You might say it is not fair to use me as an example of someone who is not jealous. You could say I am old enough to understand that some people are just talented in some areas and that is just the way it is. And maybe I am. Maybe I am old enough not to be jealous but simply to be proud. But let me tell you a little secret... No matter how excited I was, Noff (who is 9) was even prouder!

On the night of Tsoof’s performances, be it band, singing, dancing or whatever, Noff is a tiny bundle of excitement. She dresses up in her best party dress and she combs her hair and she puts in some gel to make it curly and tries on some mascara. And she is ready to go a full half hour before it is time to leave. She sits on the edge of her seat throughout the entire performance, grinning like the cat that ate the canary. And at the end of it all, when it is time to go home and we all head for the car, she pats Tsoof on the shoulder and says, "Tsoof, you were awesome! I loved the part where you…" And if someone comes over on the following days, she tells them all about it and kindly offers to show them her older brother's awesome performance on video.

The three of us are very fortunate to be so close. While there are enormous age gaps between us (5 and 6 years), we have quite a strong bond. And we use every opportunity to be proud of one another.

Some people stop here. They turn to my parents and say, "Oh, you’re so lucky to have such wonderful kids". Folks, let me tell you, this isn’t because we are lucky or we just happened to be born like this. Our parents raised us and taught us this way.

How did they do it?

I am sure they will have their own explanation, but there are three very important things they do that I believe make a world of difference.

You are wonderful too

They make sure to tell all three of us how wonderful we are. When I come home from university with good results or awards, they are equally as impressed with me as they are with Noff when she gets A’s in Grade 4. They are equally as excited about Noff’s dance performances as they are with Tsoof’s musical performances (and dance performances too). This way, none of us ever feels left out or underappreciated long enough to believe it. As long as we do our best and keep challenging ourselves and growing, we get clear and strong recognition for our efforts and achievements.

You are all part of this family

No less important, my parents also make it clear in no uncertain terms that we are all part of the family. That means we all share in one another's joys and we all share in our responsibilities. Of course, Mom and Dad have the biggest and most important responsibilities of them all, but each of us in our own way must participate in the cooking and cleaning of our house and in the cultivation of our relationships with each other.

Be the role model

Finally, you know children learn from role models. It is like a chain - they always seem to be doing what their older siblings are doing who in turn look to Mom and Dad for examples. To use this natural trend, my Mom and Dad model the behavior they expect from us and encourage us to act as we would like our younger brother or sister to act. If they want to encourage us to participate in house duties, they show me how well they participate, then I show Tsoof how well I participate and finally, he shows Noff how well he participates. In the end, everyone participates.

So if you have children who fight a lot, who hate each other or who scream and shout, remember to tell them how wonderful you think they are and always be excited in their triumphs, no matter how small.

If you have children who are particularly gifted and seem to take up all the attention, remember to pay attention to your other children (if you have them). Be excited for their achievements just as much and maybe even encourage them to do something they will be exceptionally good at too.

All the while, show them what you expect of them by being nice to other people, including your own siblings, and demonstrate to them how to treat their siblings through your own example.

One day, someone will turn to you and say "Oh, you're so lucky to have such wonderful children" and you can smile knowingly.

Happy parenting.
Eden

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• More Control – Less Power
• Questions, Questions
• Lost in Translation

Only when I got pregnant for the first time, I learned about all those beliefs and traditions:

• If you are pretty during your pregnancy, it means you will have a boy (because girls take away your beauty)
• If you hold your necklace with your wedding ring hanging from it and the ring moves in circles, you will have a girl
• If you touch your nose after someone sprinkles salt on your head (without your knowledge), you will have a boy (because he will grow a mustache under his nose), but if you touch your eyebrows, you will have a girl

It was so funny, I thought back then I could do a PhD thesis on the beliefs surrounding the sex of babies.

Somehow, my story was a bit more complicated. Everyone said I had a boy (because of my head, my butt and my beautiful hair during the pregnancy) and I never argued. When I had the first ultrasound, I asked the doctor about the sex of my baby, but he could not tell, because it was too early or the position was not comfortable or something.

For about 7 months, I thought I had a boy, not that it mattered, until one weekend, I went to visit a relative and met her mom, who was an old woman from Iraq. She walked up to me, touched my belly and asked me "Would you like to know what you have?" I smiled. I "knew" I had a boy, but I was curious to discover another traditional way to tell.

"Sure", I said.

"You have a girl", she said confidently.

"How do you know?" I asked her.

"I was a midwife in Iraq and I can tell by your belly button. I helped deliver thousands or babies and I've never been wrong".

I went home smiling. There was a conflict between all the other predictions (boy) and the Iraqi midwife's (girl).

Two weeks later, I went to the hospital, thinking my water had broken. The woman who did the ultrasound thought my baby was too big, which could indicate a developmental problem.

"Would you like to know the babies' sex?" she asked.

"Sure", I said, curious to know what modern medicine would predict.

"You have a girl", she said. I did not know what to think.

However, the doctor was not very happy with that technician's measurements and said to me, "Come back tomorrow. The other technician here is very professional and I would like her do the measurements again. By the way, if she says it's a girl, it will be accurate".

So I came the next day, hoping the measurements were not accurate and my baby was not too big. The other technician said everything looked fine and "Yes, you have a baby girl".

After almost 8 months of thinking I had a boy, I had to come to terms with the idea that I had a girl (which did not take too long, because I was happy either way).

In the evening, I called my mom and said on the phone with lots of excitement, "Mom, I had another ultrasound today and I have a baby girl".

And my mum replied, "Never mind. It's not so bad".

I always knew my mom thought that having a first son was the best thing. Her first was a girl and in the culture she grew up in having a first daughter was a sign of weakness (I am so happy I was not born then and there).

I think that more than having a first son, which is a tradition of cultures that puts the responsibility on the first born to take care of the family and his aging parents, the desire to have children from both sexes is greater. When my first was born, I did not mind at all about the sex. With the second pregnancy, I wanted it to be a different sex to allow me to experience both sexes.

Knowing your babies' sex is a debate that I hear many times. Some say it does not matter, that it cannot be changed anyway and it needs to be a surprise, just like nature meant it to be. Others say it is better to know in advance. For them, you cannot change it anyway, so it is better to know and prepare for yourself. If it is what you wanted, cool, you can be happy months before. If not, you can prepare yourself and get used to the idea.

My mom thought she should comfort me for having a baby girl (as a first born) and that I should not have asked to know the baby's sex. I guess she thought the disappointment is not as great when you already see your baby and hold her in your arms (or maybe when you are partially sedated).

So, if you or your partner were pregnant and the doctor asked you during an ultrasound check if you would like to know the sex of your baby, what would you say?

Please tell us why in the comment box below.

Regardless of their sex, I hope you have fun with your kids,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Having a Baby with Down Syndrome (poll)
• Are You a Normal Parent?
• Give Me 22 Reasons

Maxine wanted babies all her life, but never wanted to have one by herself. Single parenting was not very appealing to her. When everyone started nagging her to get married and warned her she was "missing the train", she kept saying she would not have a child on her own and since the right guy could not be seen on the horizon, her baby dreams seemed farther and farther away.

Then, at the age of 37, Maxine met Don, who was even a bit older. They both knew the clock was ticking for both of them, but Don was afraid of the commitment and did not want to rush their relationship. The wonderful love between Maxine and Don was cluttered by the ticking sounds of their advancing age.

Every few months, pressured by the "ticking body clock", Maxine said goodbye to Don. "I love you very much, but I'm looking for someone who wants to have a family with me", she said.

Every time, after 2 days or a week, Don would call her again and ask her to reconsider. "I need some more time", he said.

After a year of ups and downs, Maxine and Don moved in together. They talked about having a baby more often than before, but Don was still trying to get used to the idea of having a family. "After so many years of being on my own, I need time", he kept saying.

About 6 month later, Don and Maxine decided they were ready to start a family. A month went by, then 2 months and finally, Maxine went to see her doctor. After some tests, the doctor suggested in vitro fertilization and Don and Maxine went through all the heartaches associated with the procedure.

After 4 unsuccessful attempts, the doctor suggested using more hormones, but the increase in hormone dosage sent Maxine to the hospital with a new problem cause by the hormones. It took Maxine another 2 precious months to recover as Nature took its time.

Maxine celebrated her 39^th birthday with the joy of having a partner she loved, but with the frustration of hearing the clock ticking loudly. Don offered to see a very expensive specialist who took Maxine through a special test and told them that if they ever wanted to be parents, they would have to use an egg donor, because Maxine had no viable eggs left.

The search for the right egg donor started and after preparing her body for IVF again, Maxine went through her first IVF attempt with another woman's egg. Alas, that was unsuccessful.

After another 6 months of preparation, having to manage the storm of her emotions as she went through a grueling wait and hormonal changes, Maxine went through the second IVF attempt with a donated egg and was very happy to tell the world she was finally pregnant!

On Maxine's 41^th birthday, she and Don celebrated with their gorgeous, healthy 9-month-old daughter.

Whenever Maxine tells me about the expenses of having IVF, the specialist who charged hundreds of dollars to see them for just 10-20 minutes over 6 months before she got pregnant and 9 months after, the payments for the egg donors and all the hormones and the treatments she went through, I tell myself that some kids are literally "precious" kids (as in "expensive"), because to have them, their parents have had to pay a fortune (not to mention the emotional price they have had to pay).

Sometimes, I wonder why I meet these people in my life, but the answer comes automatically that they teach me to appreciate what I have and not take things for granted.

If all you had to do to get pregnant is to make passionate love one night and enjoy every second of it, you are so lucky!

Be happy in life,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Give Me 22 Reasons
• What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger
• A Choice I Could Not Make

Whenever I asked myself what I was afraid of, I knew I was scared of dragging myself again through old emotions of loss and hopelessness. I had been there twice and the feelings had faded but not disappeared.

This sticky note on my shelf is what made me write the posts about my loss.

A long time ago, I made the courageous decision not to talk about my loss, to let go of the past and only to take the learning from it. So, without talking much about how "smart" I have become as a parent (the hard way), I talked to people about my learning. When I made that decision, I did not want others to feel sorry for me, nor did I want to feel sorry for myself, so I focused on what I have learned from the experiences. You can find many examples of my learning in over 500 posts in this blog.

The major once are:

1. Life is short.
2. There are no guarantees in life.
3. No one ever said life is supposed to be fair.
4. We are a lot stronger that we think.
5. Grief is debilitating. Grieving people are handicapped. They feel like they are expected to run a marathon with no legs.
6. Forgive people for not knowing what to say.
7. When trying to deal with death, asking "Why?" will only bring you more suffering.
8. "Why me?" is even worse, unless you start believing in a grand plan. If you do believe in a grand plan, the answer to "Why me?" is always that you have been chosen and you have a major role to play in something bigger than yourself.
9. Faith in whatever makes sense to you and gives you comfort is the best cure for grief. Any faith will do.
10. Unfortunately, we appreciate things more when something threatens to take them away from us. What a waste! Appreciate what you have right now.
11. Even when you experience pain, you get no discounts from your kids. They are just kids. When you are in pain, it is no excuse for handing over the captaincy of your family ship to your kids.
12. Tell your kids you love them every day, because you do and because regretting you have not said it is the most horrible form of self torture.
13. Everything will be OK in the end. If it is not OK, it is not the end.

In the past year, as the number of my parenting workshops increased and I heard myself describing the pain I had gone through in order to learn some important things, I realized that talking about it was helping people more that I had thought. It made me think in an odd way that if there is such a thing as a universe and grand plan and the universe was trying to tell me something, it was that through my pain, I was destined to help others become better parents, even if it meant cutting open my heart and telling my story.

When my son, the one who brought my smile back, started playing guitar, he practiced playing and singing 20 Good Reasons by Thirsty Merc. My kids used to make fun of me when I asked him to sing me "22 Reasons" and it became a family joke.

Every time Tsoof sang this song, I found another reason I would have gone through my baby ordeal again and I tried to send it to my younger self, the Ronit who lived 14 years ago with a troubled mind, trying to find the reasons that would help her survive the pain and fear of another pregnancy.

I am adding a video of Tsoof singing me "20 good reasons". He only looks big, but at the time of recording this, he was only 13 years old and had only had 2 months of teaching himself how to play the guitar.

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

He was sent to me to bring back my smile. I hope you will never lose yours.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger
• A Choice I Could Not Make
• What are you made of?