One of the things I think we should all be prepared for is pressure. Pressure comes in a wide variety of shapes in our life - lack of sleep, hunger, a looming deadline at work, a baby screaming, physical pain, a growing debt, an accident, an illness, someone's death and so on. Each one of these presents a different challenge, but the common theme to all of them is that we are overwhelmed by emotion and all too often, reason goes out the window.

In a normal situation, when somebody cracks a joke at our expense, we may laugh along, but when we are under stress, we are more likely to lash out. Later, when we remember the situation, we may regret our outburst, but it is often too late to change its effects.

So how can we be prepared for times of stress?

First, we need to learn to pay attention, both to our internal universe and to how the world around us flows. Second, we should develop subconscious anchors that will help stop us before we do too much damage and allow us to remain productive even under pressure.

The Magician from the Judean Desert

This is an excellent book about an idealistic man who wanted to change the world when he was young and then married and lived an increasingly dull life, selling cosmetics for a living. He has a small apartment in the suburbs, two children and a cat. The mortgage weighs heavy and he falls asleep in front of the TV at night. The relationship with his wife has become mechanical and he has become short tempered…

An unexpected meeting with one of his childhood friends sets him off on a wonderful journey of personal growth and enlightenment. In the Judean Desert, he meets The Magician, a strange and spiritual sage who teaches him a simple way to achieve deep awareness and self-realization.

The Judean Desert Magician tells the man we go through life at top speed, but mostly on "autopilot", so we miss a lot of stuff, like what happens in our partner's and our kids' life. Have you ever found yourself driving for the 100^th time to a familiar place and noticing a part of the way for the first time? Have you ever noticed when you come in the door and your children rush to greet you, but you ask them to give you some space?

Our hero observes insects, hills, water and the wind, but also his own feelings, and learns to be aware of things he has long ignored. The Magician teaches him 5 steps:

1. Stop! Wake up! Remember! - instead of reacting automatically and out of habit, pay attention and remember you are on a journey to awareness. Do this as soon as you open your eyes in the morning, as well as whenever you catch yourself drifting. It would help to post these words where you can see them
2. Increase your sensitivity - observe those around you to practice being aware of their preferences and reactions. Spend some time every day watching people, both familiar and strange, and see how they behave and interact
3. Start things the right way - no matter what you begin, give it everything you have from the very start. Dress up in the morning, shave or put on makeup, make sure you have everything you need before leaving, arrange the room, check the lighting and do whatever it takes to set the scene for success
4. Watch the little things - gain perspective by observing nature and others in detail. Learn to appreciate what you have - size, strength, knowledge, skills, money, comfort, love, friends - by noticing how other creatures live without them. Focusing on the little things (like ants in the grass) is an excellent focusing and relaxing exercise. Just sit on the grass in a quiet spot, breath in the air and pay attention
5. See things from the present - instead of piling past experiences onto everything that happens to you, concentrate only on the present. To practice this, reject your first impressions and spend some time questioning them. Learn to bypass your programming, stop and re-evaluate
6. Reprogram - do things differently just to see what happens. Sleep on the other side of the bed, swap your knife and fork, wear unusual clothes, get up earlier, come to work late, take a day off in the middle of the week and see how your perspective changes

Integrate these steps into your life one at a time. Take as much time as you need to go through each of them and make it part of who you are. Gradually, you will start to respond to situations from the present and from your awareness of others, instead of reacting automatically.

Of course, as you get comfortable with these steps, why not involve your partner and your children too?

Personal power - hot vs. cold

In a charged emotional state, people first try to satisfy their immediate needs and act rashly. Unfortunately, this can be destructive. Little kids sometimes throw tantrums - they scream, jump up and down and fling their toys at the wall. In most cases, this should not change their parents' decision, but it may ruin a perfectly good toy.

Adults behave much the same, even if they express their frustrations in ways that are less physical. A snide remark may provide a temporary outlet, but the recipient may resent it, which would only escalate the pressure.

In most relationships, however, there are patterns of interaction and sources of stress that can be identified, predicted and prevented. For example, if you know you are cranky after only getting 4 hours of sleep, you can do something about it beforehand and save everyone from having a nasty morning. If you know one of your kids does not like spinach, you can prepare another healthy vegetable option for dinner.

Fundamentally, we should never assume our partner or our kids will be able to handle themselves well in "hot" situations and we should do some preparations while things are "cold" and everyone can see reason. Nor should we ever assume we will...

One excellent method with kids is to give them a 10-minute and a 5-minute warning before things are about to change - time for school, time for shower, time to go home from a friend, time to go to bed, etc.

With your partner, sensitive topics should be approached in privacy, when you are both relaxed and when there is enough time to work things out calmly.

But sometimes, things just happen when you do not expect them. For those times, it is a very good idea to agree while "cold" on a signal that reminds everyone to take a step back, collect their thoughts and separate the issue from the added pressure. This may be a phrase, like "Time out", a hand gesture, like the one students use in class to request permission to speak, a special effect, like ringing a bell, and even a hug. The sign must be known to everyone involved and practiced during mildly-stressful situations for a while.

Using the 6 awareness steps and finding ways to avoid and interrupt heated interactions are excellent preparations for what life throws at us from time to time.

Try them and let me know what you got.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Disengage Your Autopilot
• How to Handle Pressure
• War and Peace are Personal

Here are the last 5 typical teenager thoughts and tips to prevent or eliminate them.

I prefer to be alone

"Thank God they are going away this weekend. I can have the house to myself. I can watch TV as much as I like, play the computer as much as I like and eat whatever I want. Freedom at last!"

What parents can do

When kids reach the teen years, they loves to be on their own sometimes and it is normal and healthy for them to be on their own. Even bringing a babysitter to stay with them (to take care of the other kids, of course) can give them that sense of freedom and it is not a sign of your good or bad parenting.

Having an evening when they can do something different is very attractive to teenagers and as a parent, you need to provide them with opportunities for such time. I remember myself at the age of 15 having the time of my life when my parents were away for the weekend. I did all the same things I did when they were there, but it felt better. On evenings when they went out, we played hide and seek in the dark and I still have wonderful memories of those special days.

When kids are young, have an evening a week away from home. Go to the movies or meet friends, just leave the house and let them know they have the house for themselves so they can plan what to do. Our kids order pizza some evenings or make their own dinner, they walk to the local shops to bring a movie, they play on the computer a bit longer and listen to music in full volume. They bake or go to have dinner outside and they have a wonderful bonding time together.

It is OK if they do not join all your weekend activities and you will find that your time away is a very happy occasion for your teens. It is not losing power but giving and gaining respect. Remember to set the rules about bedtime or having friends over (we do not allow our kids to invite friends over when we are not home for safety reasons, because if there is a child in our house, we are responsible for them in the eyes of the law and we obviously cannot be responsible if we are not there).

I'm better than my parents

"I'm much smarter than my dad. He was not that smart when he was my age. That's a shame. He no longer can help me."

What parents can do

This is life. Kids today are smarter than their parents were and it is better not to fight it and try to show them you are smarter. However, although you may not be smarter, you are wiser, so it is not true you cannot help them. Your love, your experience, your years of practice and your caring are the greatest ways anyone can help and you will be able to give them for a long time.

Stop pretending to be "all knowing". You are not! When your teens ask you something and you do not know the answer, say, "I don’t know the answer for this, but I'll help you find it". My kids are very musical and all play musical instruments. I do not know how to read music (I once asked them to teach me to play a piano piece - you can see my first piano concert). Since they were young (for Tsoof, since he was 5 years old), they cannot ask my help with their music, but I consider myself a wonderful helper with their musical adventures. I sit with them, listen when they play, enjoy it, praise them, take them to and from rehearsals and private lessons. You do not have to play music to help your kids with music and you do not have to know math to help them with their math homework.

If a child needs help, learn to admit that you do not know, but always be willing to help them find the answer or the solution. Being there for them is the smartest thing you can do.

Time to leave

"I don't think like them anymore. I don't agree with anything they say. Maybe it's the end of our relationship. We can't live in the same house when they say one thing and I say the opposite. That's no way to live together. Maybe it's time for me to leave."

What parents can do

Thinking differently is no reason to leave, but when teens reach a point when there are too many conflicts, they may do anything to avoid them. Many parents instill this thought in kids'/teens' mind in two ways.

• When they divorce or separate, they give the child the message that there is a point in time when there are too many arguments and it is better to say goodbye. There is no way around it. Every separation, even if it is done in the best way possible, will plant the seed of "Too hard means no love and goodbye" (most of the time, it is "badbye").
• When parents use their position to control the child and send them conditional messages, like "To get my love and appreciation, you need to be successful at school/smart/sporty/do what I tell you/agree with me/obey my instructions, etc", then the kids think that agreement = love and therefore disagreement means there is no love.

Many adults are still in this position, trying to please their own parents to get over this feeling. So, this belief is very heavy to carry and teens carry it to adulthood. Try to make sure your relationships are not full of conditions. A rule of thumb: if you talk too much about discipline, you are parenting with conditions.

I look horrible

"My skin is not the same as it was before. I looked in the mirror for hours and I don't know what to do. Kids make fun of my freckles/pimples. I wish I could find a way to hide it."

What parents can do

No teenager's skin is ever the same as they were during childhood, so this is a very natural feeling and it is not easy to cope with, especially during the teenage years, when so much stuff happens at once.

Be there for your teens when they experience physical changes during their teen years and share with them your own experience to help them understand this is only temporary. Teens think that the way they look may be the end of the world. Realizing their parents have gone through the same thing can help them relax about it.

Never undermine a child who feels bad about their skin and appearance. Help them find solutions. Eating healthy food is a wonderful solution and making sure the house is free from food that damages the skin (white flour products, sweets, sugary drinks and junk food) will be highly appreciated by teens.

Never make fun of your children and do your best to help your kids find the right food and supplements to help with their skin problems. It can help a lot and teens may not be able to buy it for themselves.

What are they hiding?

"Every time I ask them about their childhood, they avoid answering. I think they are hiding things from me. If they hide things from me, I will hide things from them."

What parents can do

Teens are very sensitive to those around them. 40% of them are kinesthetic in their communication style, so they are even more sensitive than others. Hiding things from them jeopardizes the trust you are trying to build with them. When they ask questions about your childhood, they are trying to form their identity by learning about you, your desires, faults, talents, experiences, knowledge, strategies, values and fears. The more related your stories are to the way they feel, the more they will be open to sharing theirs with you.

When teens get the feeling you might be hiding something from them, their mind goes into full-speed search for what horrible secrets you are keeping from them. I agree that it is not suitable to tell your kids everything that goes on in your mind, but be open and share stories about your childhood in a way that is appropriate for the developmental stage of the child.

Lying is not recommended either, because by the teen years, your kids know you well enough to tell when you are lying. Sharing both beautiful and ugly stories from your childhood can be a wonderful lesson in values and learning.

Last year, I had a talk with my son Tsoof, who was 15 years old then, about success at school. I had talked for years about my own bad school experiences, but they had not sunk in, because he was shocked when I told him I had been kicked out of school at the end of 10^th Grade (not to worry, I went straight back in and got a scholarship for excellence the year after).

Hiding something from kids is very heavy. Sometimes, it makes it harder to cope. If you want them to share things with you, share your things with them and if they share with you something you are not happy about, make sure you still express your appreciation for the trust and the honesty. Remember, it is better if they come and tell you when something is wrong than if they do not. Be a role model.

I hope this series has given you some insight into teens' mind. Many parents want to know what happens there and I believe that most teenagers hold some combination of the above thoughts.

If your teens blame you for all their troubles in life, remember to say that no matter how much grief they give you, you would not replace them for the world and that your love to them does not change even if they do things you are not happy with.

Another thing you can do is to sit down in a quiet place, take a deep breath, relax and remember how your life was during your teenage years.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

I have done a lot in my life. Luckily, although some things were incredibly challenging, my life has been very rewarding overall. I am the kind of person who goes to work and it does not feel like a work, more like serving a purpose. I am an educator in every cell of my body. I teach parents how to be the best they can be and how to raise happy kids by being happy themselves and I have changed the lives of thousands of children. Still, the best of all my talent, I have given to my own children: Eden, Tsoof and Noff. Being their mother always seems to bring out the best in me.

All this wondering started when one of my clients had a daughter. She had given up her career and the search for a partner and with her mother's help, she had gone through the journey of having a child on her own. I saw a photo of them and it reminded me of the first day I met my daughter Eden, my happy thought. Her birth was the birth of many new feelings and since then, I have been a different person. A better one, I think.

Then, Gal was talking on Skype with a man who wanted to do business with him. I was working next to him when they had a very serious discussion about web developers. The other man talked about "them" as being a bunch of stupid people who could not see that working with him would make them part of a network similar to Facebook or the companies owned by Richard Branson. After a while, Gal felt uncomfortable with all the judgment and asked him, "Do you have kids?" The man hesitated and said, "No". Gal tried to say to him politely that when people have children, they think twice before giving their time to someone they do not know in exchange for promises. This made me think about the feeling I had when Eden was born - pure joy and happiness, hope and excitement, mixed with a heavy burden of responsibility. Kids cannot be sent back to the manufacturer for a warranty replacement! You can only truly understand this when you have your first child.

Another client of mine discussed her time management issues with me this week. She has 3 kids, a live-in maid and a cook. Her kids go to private schools, she does not work and once a month, she travels with her extended family somewhere in the world, because they are very wealthy. She asked me how I managed and I told her about all the projects I was involved in. She was shocked and asked me, "Who cooks in your house?" I said, "I do, and if I am busy, Gal does".

"We eat out 3 times a week, once a week I heat up a pre-cooked meal the maid buys at the supermarket and we never eat all together", she said, "What about you?"

"We eat together at home every day", I told her, "We do not have ready cooked meals, we eat out once every two weeks or so and never junk food".

"I don't even do the laundry. Who does the laundry in your house?" she asked and I said, "I sort the clothes and put them in the washer and everyone helps hang them to dry, take them down and fold them".

"I give my maid a list for the supermarket. Who does your shopping?" she asked. "I do most of my shopping on Saturday. Gal and I go to the market and the supermarket together".

"Who takes your kids to and from school and activities?" she kept asking. I said, "Gal and I share this. Until 6 years ago, I did it on my own, because Gal left home at 7am and came back at 5:30pm. While one child was in an afternoon activity, the others sat in the car with me and we did homework, sang and played games".

"Don't you have a family to help you with picking up, dropping off and babysitting?" she asked again. I told her that in the last 19 years, I have been very far away from my family and have had to manage on my own.

"Where do you find the time?" she asked. I told her that we both have the same 24 hours every day and that I manage it well because I have to! Sometimes, that extra help from your maids and your parents cripples you and makes you helpless. Every time a child was born, I became more efficient, more creative and better at prioritizing and managing my time. I simply had to.

Another client of mine came to coaching completely overwhelmed by being a mother. She kept saying she had not known what she was getting herself into. She loves her daughter very much, but is in total overwhelm. She is well educated, mature and in a good relationship with her partner, yet she finds being a mother the most challenging thing she has ever done. I was 24 when Eden was born. No one knows what they get themselves into with the first child. People can tell you stories about it for years, but when the time comes, it is all new. So I asked her, "If you could change it, would you?" and she said, "Never!"

Another client of mine, who has been married for 15 years, used a surrogate mother to have a child, because she could not bear the thought of her body changing. Her son is the most important thing in the world for her. It made me think of the huge scar I have after 4 cesareans.

Another client of mine celebrated her second child's first birthday this week. She had her two kids through an egg donation and IVF treatments, because as she was 40 and the doctors said she had no more eggs of her own. The treatments were expensive and were done overseas. She stopped working and dedicated every second of her life for those treatments. During her first pregnancy, she was in hospital from the 20^th week and he doctors told her every day the pregnancy would not go to term. When I asked her, "Can you keep going?" she said, "Of course I can". She reminded me of my two kids that I have lost and how when Tsoof was born, I said to myself, "He is worth every second of this torture". The whole experience has made me a better, more appreciating person.

Having all these interactions made me realize that motherhood has brought out the best in me. It has taught me things about myself I had never known. It has helped me develop skills that I would never have developed without the need to care for my children. It has made me happier and more caring. It has made me prioritize, made me time efficient, made me more creative, made me more efficient, made me a better chef, made me more friendly, flexible, grateful and loving, more courageous, more helpful, more hopeful, made me try harder, made me stronger, made me more curious, made me a role model and a leader, made me positive, made me grow, made me powerful, made me make a huge difference!

For me, motherhood is the best thing I have ever done in my life - the best job in the world.

To all the moms out there (and all the dads), congratulations on doing an amazing job!

This video says exactly what I think about being a mother. Have a tissue handy.

Be a happy mother. Happy Mother's Day!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Give Me 22 Reasons
• Parents Doing Business
• Purpose: To Be a Great Dad

As in previous chapters, here are 5 things teens think and feel that scare them and make them act weird, and what you can do about them. I hope it will help you find alternative ways to address the issues and prevent them from keeping those thoughts any longer.

My parents are cruel and weak

"I think my parents are cruel. They hate me. They scream, shout and always tell me I'm wrong. They brought me into the world to torture me. They are weak. How can I trust them when I need help if they are so weak?"

What parents can do

When children are upset, they may think that you are behaving the way you do with the ultimate purpose of hurting them. Many parents mistake discipline for power when in fact, abusing your power and yelling, shouting or telling kids they are wrong are signs of weakness and may cause your children, especially teenagers, not to trust you to support them when they need help. This is because using pressure and force is all about you, not them.

The best way to prevent this is to start very early and examine the use of your power. If you control the family's money and use it to threaten your children or bribe them, you are likely to be perceived as cruel. If you control many aspects of your kids' life and use that control to force them to do things they do not want do, your actions, although you may have all the justification for them, will not translate into motivation but into resentment and anger.

Having clear rules and having responsibility as a parent does not give you the right to force your kids. When a teacher shouts and yells in class, the kids are convinced the teacher is weak and easy to set off. The smart kids will trigger this in an instant by "stepping" on the teacher's emotional "toes". Teenagers are the smartest kids in the house, so when they find out their parents are not all that powerful, they trigger your fear and frustration in no time.

Confident parents do not fall into this trap. They are artists of motivation and do everything to trigger internal motivation in their kids. When they become teenagers, they will have the good sense to do the right things for themselves. It does not mean these parents have no conflicts with their teens, but they treat their kids with respect during conflicts and everybody wins.

Do not threat, do not bribe, do not set conditions, like "I will give you this if you succeed at school". Do not shout and yell. Find your core of strength, stay calm and show respect to keep your teens free from anxiety and confident they can trust you.

Leave me alone!

"I need privacy. I don't want anyone getting into my room. I need a locker on my things. I hate the idea of my brother or my parents searching my things. I wish I had a place of my own."

What parents can do

During the teen years, when the body changes so much, children require more privacy not only to explore their sexuality but also to have the time to think without disruption and to separate themselves from their family. This separation is very healthy and important. It does not mean they will leave home tomorrow, but they are practicing being on their own, while the family is still around.

For teens never to think like that, their family must have some privacy rules and they must be taught very early, so that by the time children reach adolescence, they can be certain no one will look at their personal things or enter their room when it is inappropriate.

If a child expresses a need for a private room, try to arrange a private room. It is not always possible, but even a balcony with a divider is better than nothing. Gal's parents arranged a room for Gal's sister when she was 15 years old in the laundry room. She was the happiest teenage girl ever.

I wanted to have my own room all my life. At the age of 16, when my sister left home, I finally had my private room. My younger sisters and I were in such a great relationship at that stage, I stayed with them in their room, which was bigger, until late at night and we did not want to go to sleep so we would not have to say goodbye to each other for the night. I was hardly ever in my own room.

Therefore, it is best to listen to your kids and not assume that they need a private room. Gal and I wanted a private room for each of our children, but they find any excuse they can to "sleep over" in each other's rooms. Tsoof and Noff share a room and feel lonely going to sleep without the other one.

Some parents do not like the idea of locking for safety reasons. Regardless, teach your kids to knock and wait for permission to enter and be a role model. Never enter your kids' (especially teenagers') room without knocking and waiting for permission.

Also, do not go through their things and be very strict about all your children's private things. When one child touches the other one's private thing, be very clear that "we do not touch other people's private things". Again, this is about respect and trust.

You're not the boss of me!

"They're not the boss of me. They can't tell me when to go to sleep or when to come back from a party. I can take care of myself, thank you very much. What do they know about being a teenager today anyway?"

What parents can do

Parents are in charge of the family, but they can be bosses or leaders. The difference for teens is that bosses give orders and do not care about their employees' thoughts and feelings, while leaders set an example and take into consideration everyone's internal motivations and wellbeing. A boss is afraid employees' might find he is not all knowing and a leader knows he is not all knowing and asks his employees' opinions, feelings and support.

Parent from strength and not from weakness. When you are using force, you are weak. Set rules, but be flexible with rules and not too strict about them. When you are unreasonably strict, it is a sign that you are afraid of losing your power if your kids do not follow your rules 100%. It is OK to come late from time to time. You come late from time to time and you survive your own little slip-ups.

Make sure you ask your teens for their opinion, thoughts and feelings. Respect them and tell them you were once a teenager too and you accept that times have changed, because they have, and what was acceptable 25-35 years ago is not acceptable today and vice versa.

Allow your children to have their own feelings and thoughts, They are not extensions of you. If you want them to be little copies of you, it is a sign you are looking to reinforce yourself. Your kids should grow up to be better than you are. Duplicating you will only keep them behind their generation.

My money, my life

"I want to have my own money and to buy my own things. I hate it when my parents tell me what to buy. It's my right to choose my own clothes, make-up and stuff. They're so old they just don't understand anything about fashion."

What parents can do

"Money and teens" is a big issue. While a 9-year-old will manage if you have financial issues, teens find it harder to be seen in public during their parents' financial struggles. Many parents believe that the solution to all their struggles is having lots of money and giving their kids everything they want, but I do not agree with this.

I have always had enough money, but I did not give my kids everything they wanted. I grew up in a house that did not have a lot of money. In fact, I grew up in a very poor family and I do not think I understood what my parents had to go through in order to provide for us. Kids should know! It may not be appropriate to tell them all the details of your financial struggles, but being open and honest about it can help greatly in changing their beliefs about money and about you.

Being dependent on parents for money is not fun. Admit it! It was not fun when you had to ask your parents for money. I do not think this can be avoided completely, but there are ways of giving kids (especially teens) some freedom with money.

I used pocket money as soon as my kids could count (about 3 years old) and the rule in our family is that parents buy the things we need - clothes, school uniforms, shoes, food and groceries - and our kids can do whatever they want with their pocket money. Kids must learn to spend money and they can only do it when they are free to make mistakes. If they use all their money at once on something, they learn the hard way that money does not grow on trees.

Having the money does not give you the right to determine what they will wear. Yes, there are limits, but you are not likely to share their taste and their fashion sense, no matter how much money you have. You can say how much money you are willing to give, you can insist on going shopping with them, you can insist on not buying torn or low-quality clothes, but do not get into fashion arguments. You are about 30 years behind the current teen fashion, so let go! If you insist, they will wear whatever they want as soon as they leave home anyway. Any control you may have now is only temporary, so do not use your money to control them.

Help your teenagers get a part-time job regardless of how wealthy or poor you are and teach them money management. Guide your teenagers gently through making purchasing decisions. Teach, but do not preach!

Everybody has one

"I must have that pair of sneakers/smartphone/game console or I will have no friends and everyone will laugh at me and treat me like an outsider. I can't show my face at a party with this old piece of mobile phone junk. Everyone has Internet connections and unlimited calls and text. Why do I have to be different?"

What parents can do

Being accepted and being cool are the most important things for teenagers. They are just as important for parents of teenagers or they would not get new cars, bigger houses and more impressive job titles. Wanting to be accepted is a high need and it hits its peak during adolescence. If you think it must be painful, you are wrong! There is a great way to make sure your kids never think this way and when it comes up in arguments, there is a great way to reply to it.

Teach your kids that they are special without gadgets. Help them define their identity and keep telling them "Be special. Be yourself". Being unique and independent is a blessing, while continually measuring themselves against others robs them of their freedom.

Noff has no mobile phone, Tsoof does not have a smartphone and my kids do not have never a game console or any other trendy gadget, mainly because they do not need them. When there is a need, we examine it and buy what is suitable and not what is best advertised. We teach our kids that status symbols are a way to pressure us into doing things we would not do otherwise and that many of those things waste our time and our mind.

The latest sneakers are not a need. Basic healthy food is a need. Sleep is a need. Drinking water is a need. Shelter is a need. Clean clothes are a need. Human company is a need. Do not let your teens use the word "need" inappropriately. Teach your kids to focus on what they have and not on what they lack. In fact, you should start when they are 5 years old.

If we do get into an argument and my kids say, "Why do I have to be different?" I answer, "You are different no matter how many gadgets you have. You have lived in different places around the world, you are talented, your mom and dad are still together, you speak two languages, you love your siblings, you are smart, you are friendly, you are sensitive, you love to learn, you are successful - you are different. We have spent a lot of energy to make you different and that's the way we like it". I think they understand.

It may also help to take an honest look at your own buying habits and consider the example you are setting. Actions speak louder than words, especially with teenagers.

Join me next week for the 5 last thoughts teenagers have that make their life hard and create lots of conflicts with their parents, along with what you can do to prevent them from thinking that way and how to eliminate those thoughts if they come up.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

Most parents, given enough time to ponder this question, agree that the answer is "Happiness". When offered the choice from success, money, love, fame and other things people desire, parents overwhelmingly choose happiness.

The problem is that most of our daily parenting ends up being about other things, like academic success, winning competitions, behaving politely, earning money and so on. Children's future happiness is only used as an assumption, as in "If you do well at school, you'll have more options in life and be happier" or "If you learn how to keep a job and save money, you'll be able to afford the things that will make you happy when you grow up" (excuse me while I catch my breath).

Focus on happiness

I believe that focusing directly on being happy changes what we choose to do for/to our kids, motivates them more and will ultimately make them (and us) happier. Rather than assuming that happiness will be the indirect result of doing homework every day, why not start with what makes (or will make) our kids happy and then tie that to things we can all do every day to accomplish that happiness?

Kinds of happiness

Current positive psychology experts distinguish 3 kinds of happiness: thrill, flow and purpose.

Thrill is very powerful, but short-lived and has no lasting effects. It starts when the theme-park ride starts moving, intensifies as it accelerates and ends when the ride stops and you have to get off and back to un-thrilling life. Other examples are using drugs and having sex.

Flow is when you lose track of time, because you are so engaged in what you are doing and you are doing it with ease and complete focus. It lasts longer, but not long enough. At some point, you have to stop and do something else that requires effort. You know you have had a good time only when you stop and become aware of your surroundings again and for a while, you have the pleasant feeling that you have used your time well. Examples of flow can be found in most hobbies - painting, singing, playing music, putting a puzzle together, etc.

Purpose is when you do things that may not be pleasant or easy, but they serve some distant goal that makes everything worthwhile. People on a mission travel to remote places, fight fatigue, hunger and sickness or give their money away, but all that time, they see themselves stepping closer and closer to their destination and to sublime fulfillment.

Happy combination

To create a winning combination for ourselves that maximizes all 3 kinds of happiness, we would begin by finding a great purpose that inspires us and that we can feel motivated every day to work towards. From that purpose, we would derive some long-term goals, then some short-term goals. We would split those into milestones and each milestone into action steps. Then, every day would be clear, out progress would be easy to track and we would live a happy life indeed.

But this would not work with kids, unfortunately, because finding a purpose at the age of 5 is far beyond what they can do. Finding that purpose for them, of course, has little chance of success and is more likely to result in daily friction than in inspiration. In fact, it would be similar to what happens today.

What we need to do for our kids as parents is to teach them how to set and achieve goals and milestones that reward them emotionally and to expose them to many different experiences in life, so that they can choose their purpose wisely. As they grow beside us, we should also pay attention to what they like and what they do well and gently direct them towards life experiences that are most likely to help them make a wise choice for themselves when the time comes.

Good goal setting

A good goal is focused on happiness. The actions taken and the results achieved are just vehicles. The true aim of setting and achieving goals is a great feeling of accomplishment and a massive boost to the self-esteem.

A good goal meets the following guidelines:

• Specific - the outcome must be clear. "I want to be popular" is no good. "I want to have 10 friends at my next birthday party" is much better. In particular, the goal should specify an end date. In reality, that date may change, but the mental deadline provides powerful motivation. The question here is "What do you want to accomplish?"
• Achievable and inspiring - the outcome must be attainable within the given timeframe. Making a new friend every day will be intimidating for a shy child, but making a couple of new friends in a few weeks should seem doable and therefore encouraging. The questions here "How much can achieve in <3 months>?" and "Is this enough, or do you want to set a longer goal and achieve more?"
• Measurable - progress should be easy to track. This can be done using steps leading up to the goal, like "I will attend every party I'm invited to", "I will invite 4 friends to go ice skating" and other steps leading up to the birthday party. It can also be done using a numeric outcome, like "I'll have 3 friends in 4 weeks, 5 friends in 3 months and 8 friends in 6 months". The question here is "What are some steps long the way?" or "How will you know you're making progress?"
• Responsible - the only person in charge is the owner of the goal. Sure, Mom can talk to other parents and organize the birthday party, but for the child to benefit, every action and change done along the way, should be done by the child. The above goal may be better written as "I will make 10 new friends, organize a birthday party, invite my friends and have lots of fun". This way, the child is responsible for making friends, organizing a party, inviting and having fun, whether the friends choose to arrive or not. The question here is "How can you do or feel everything in this goal yourself?"
• Positive - the goal statement must use only positive terms. "I don't want to be lonely" will trigger thoughts of loneliness and inhibits creativity. The image of a party with lots of friends and fun creates a positive mental state and brings out wonderful ideas. The question here is "What's the opposite of this? What do you want instead?"
• Present tense - the goal should be stated as if it is happening right now. Our mind cannot tell the difference between imagination and reality, so if we keep imagining good things, we get used to them as if they were real. The above would be best written as "It is the 31^st of May, 2012. I have invited 10 friends to my birthday party. I am playing games with them and having lots of fun".
• Emotional - remember, this is the real aim of the goal. Besides having lots of fun, you could add "I feel popular and liked and I know I'll always be able to find friends to play with". The questions here are "How will this make you feel?" and "How will you feel about yourself then?"

With coaching clients, most goals range between 3 and 6 months. Since children cannot see too far into the future, start with shorter goals with very clear outcomes and rewards and work your way up from there.

Goals provide the purpose-like happiness for as long as they last. With experience and practice, teenagers can set long-term goals for 1 or 2 years ahead and keep themselves amazingly motivated and happy.

Milestones and rewards

Working towards a goal is hard, because we always try to achieve something we have not been able to achieve so far. It takes us out of our "comfort zone", so we need to build in some resting points along the climb. To squeeze even more happiness from goal setting and achieving, each goal can be broken down into milestones.

A milestone is the combination of a result (a "deliverable") and a reward. For example, going to a party when invited is an event your child can count and the reward can be a big hug, a chance to tell everyone proudly at the table about the party, one less chore or anything of value to the child that is equivalent to the (emotional) effort.

Milestones reinforce the purpose-like motivation and provide more changes for thrills.

Action steps

Most goals and milestones are achieved in little steps. In order to make friends, the child may have to approach someone, help someone with their homework, join a game or count to 3 before raging. When something big and scary is broken down into little steps, there is no more anxiety. The child should be able to say, "Oh, that's easy. I can do that", about every one of them.

Ideally, the list of action steps should also build on the child's strengths and the things the child likes. That is where flow comes in.

If your child likes to paint, making friends at a special art camp does not seem like an effort anymore. You paint, you enjoy yourself, you make friends who like to paint too. Nothing to it.

Eden hangs out with friends who like to dance Salsa. Tsoof spends most of his time with musicians. Noff likes girls with a strong character who like to be active. Each one of them gravitated naturally towards friends and activities that most support who they are and what they enjoy. This way, when they are with their friends, they are in flow. It is effortless and fun.

I know this is rather technical, so maybe go over it again and talk with your partner about it. The challenge is making it work for your particular child, but the rewards are so great, it is well worth your time.

As a bonus for you, consider that goal setting can become an activity that connects you to your children. You learn to know them in a deep way. You win their trust through some of the most challenging times of their life. You celebrate their joys and help them overcome difficulties. And you develop a common language.

Please come back and share your story of goal setting for happiness.

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Competition, Perfection or Happiness
• Winners vs. Whiners
• Raising Grownups

I must be adopted

"Maybe I was adopted. That explains the way they treat me. I've heard them saying I looked like Mom, but I look at my photos as a baby and I don't look like either one of my parents or even like myself today. They could have adopted me when I was just a baby. That makes sense. I think this is why they love my brother more than they love me."

What parents can do

Every child has this horrible thought at some stage. It is very natural to question your parents' behavior as that of adoptive parents. There is no real way to prevent this thought from getting into kids' mind, but there are good ways to make sure it will go away quickly, before it creates any damage.

Talk to your kids about their birth and talk about it a lot. Kids ask question about their pregnancy and birth to check if all the stories match. If Mom tells one story and Dad tells another one about the same birth, that will be odd, but if they tell the stories over and over and everything matches, they must be true!

Teenagers ask other family members about their birth to find out if someone has a different version of the story. As they grow up, they become more sophisticated with their questions and look for more contradictions. If Grandma says you were overseas just before the birth, it will make them question it. If you show them their photos of you (your partner) pregnant, their birth certificate and photos of you holding them in your arms as a newborn baby, that will help them accept that they are truly your child and not adopted.

Video is an exceptional way to prove your biological connection, because it combines the audio of using their name with the pictures of people they know and emotions that can help them feel loved and get past their doubts.

It's all on me now

"When we play cards, I beat Mom easily. I think I'm much better than she is at this game. I know more tricks than she does. Parents should know more than their kids do. If not, how can she take care of me? I need to take care of myself from now on."

What parents can do

Similar to the thought that parents do not always know things, it is very scary for kids to realize that their parents are not that skilled at everything. I remember the first time it happened to me. I was 15 years old and I went to the lake with my family. I left my watch next to our bags and went into the lake. When I came back, I could not find my watch, but I was convinced my parents would find it. They always had, so I had no doubt they would. I searched for it with them without any worry. When the time came to leave, my dad (who was very upset with me) said, "It's gone. We can't find it. We must leave now", and I thought he was joking. It was a very expensive watch and a gift for my birthday. Even when we had packed all our things in the car, I was convinced they would find my watch at home, but they did not. I was very sad for losing my watch and for a long time, I said to myself, "But they always find things. What happened this time?" I thought it was parents' special skill and was devastated to find out it was not.

To avoid this situation, ask for your kids' help and say, "You are better than me with this. Can you please help me do it?" When you talk about skills, talk about you and your partner as having different skills to show your kids that becoming a parent does not make you skilled at everything. Say, "Mom is much better than me at remembering things like that" or "Dad is very good at cooking this dish".

When your teen expects you to do something you cannot do, you can address their feeling directly, show empathy and help them relax and find another solution.

I'm growing old

"I looked at my mom this morning and saw she was not as pretty as she was when she was young. What will happen to me when I grow old? I don't want to lose my hair like Dad or become fat and wrinkled. How can I stop growing old?"

What parents can do

As kids grow, they become more aware of the way their parents look and the "right" look depends greatly on generation and age differences. When I look at my photos as a teenager or a young mother, I look funny in the clothes, the hairstyle and the glasses that were popular back then, but now seem old-fashioned.

Do not defend the old style by talking badly about the new generation. It is a sign you are not accepting change and it will make it harder for you to teach your kids to accept change. I remember my dad saying that the music we listened to was loud and screaming and that there was no value in it, but I listened to Julio Iglesias and Barbara Streisand singing with the Bee Gees and they sang soft songs about love.

Talk to your kids about fashion and about different generations. Talk to them about growing up, growing old and growing wiser to help them appreciate the inside and not only the outside.

Take a photo of them every year from birth to show them that they have changed too and that the fashion was different when they were kids.

I run workshops for student leaders at schools and senior citizens and both "sides" find the experience heartwarming and enriching. Encourage your teens to spend time with old people (grandparents are best) and take an interest in their story.

Fear of being old is a very legitimate fear and everyone has some versions of it. Kids experience the thought and your attitude will determine if this thought will stay or disappear.

I wish I could change the past

"I regret so many things. I wish I could back in time and change some things. Maybe my life wouldn't be so hard if we had lots of money or Mom wasn't sick or Dad didn't work so many hours."

What parents can do

Kids are born with a very weak concept of time. I know many adults that still have a very poor ability to understand, or manage time, as a result. When things are hard, kids (and people in general) search for easy, magical solutions to their problems. A time machine crosses everyone's mind and can be used as a fun way to talk about dreams and wishes.

If your teen shows lots of regrets and a desire to change the past, it is a sign they have an unfinished business that needs to be sorted. Kids take lots of blame on themselves when there is a family problem. This is why divorce always triggers in kids the thoughts "What have I done to make them divorce?" and "What can I do to bring them back together?" Even adults whose parents are divorced still often think that way.

Kids that live it the time machine dream have not learned from their parents to let go. This is often because their parents do not know how to let go themselves. They blame others for their problems, they have lots of guilt feelings and regrets and they use the guilt trip on others as a way to ease their own burden.

It is very important to understand that we cannot turn back time. That is life. A second that passes cannot be repeated and kids can learn this from a very early stage. Even a 6-year-old can learn that once things are done, they cannot be undone and we can only do things differently next time.

Teach your kids to focus on what they can change and let go of things they cannot change. There is no point regretting not talking your umbrella today, because you are not a fortuneteller. At every point in time, we make decisions based on the information we have and on who we are and we pick the option that seems most appropriate at that moment. Yes, we may find it was not the best option later on, but we cannot turn the clock backward to change our previous decisions. The clock only moves forward and our feelings about it do not really change its ticking.

I hate housekeeping

"I hate cleaning my room. I wish someone else did it for me. I wish I had a robot doing everything I asked it."

What parents can do

Asking for someone (or something) else to clean your room and serve you is a sign your teenager feels overwhelmed and that the tasks is making life too heavy.

I hated cleaning too and I think it is strongly connected to the way my mom treated cleaning in our house. We were five kids, so we obviously had to take turns, but she was so fussy about doing things in what she considered "the right way" that we hated these jobs. After washing the floor, she would point out the places that were not spotless. While washing the dishes, she would stand over our shoulder and say, "You need to wash this first", instead of focusing on doing what we can to keep our dishes clean for the sake of our health.

The reason I say it was my mom's fault was that at the age of 14, my younger sisters and I had a good discussion about this, in which we realized we all hated doing chores by ourselves and decided to do them together. So instead of each of us doing something different, we washed the dishes together, washed the floor together and cleaned each room together. After a short time, cleaning became great fun. We did not complain and we did not mind how long it took, because we loved being together. During that time, our house was very clean and tidy and my mom did not control us anymore. We had full control over how to do things. She could tell us what needed to be done, but she could not tell us who should do what or how to do things and we loved every second of it. Even now, cleaning the house on my own is not fun at all, but cleaning with Gal and/or the kids is much more fun.

Housework is part of life, not a form of punishment. Do not give rewards for cleaning or punishments for not cleaning ("You are grounded" or "You can go to the party only when your room is clean"). Try doing things together. From time to time, clean their room and instead of asking them to "pay" for it, think of it as an opportunity to be a role model.

Also, avoid asking them to do things on their own and involve them in scheduling their own chores.

Join me next week for 5 more thoughts teenagers have and explanations of how each thought is formed and what you can do to help your teenagers change it.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Confusing Years
• More Control – Less Power

In the past, people thought that teens' behavior during the teenage years was directly connected to physical changes they start to experience at the age of 12, which makes them feel strange with their body changes and confuses them.

Today, the approach is that adolescence is a more gradual process that starts with the first time children want to try doing things on their own, sometime as early as the age of 3.

If teenagers seem confused to you, it is mainly because they have reached a point in their life when they need to define who they are, what they think, what they like or hate, what their beliefs are and what they wants to be later on in life. These thoughts are tough. I know many adults who have not reached that self-definition yet, so this is not easy for a 12-year-old to do, although they are expected to have some clue about it.

One of the problems parents have with their kids is that they do not really understand what is so confusing about life. It is mainly because they forgot their thoughts and feelings during that time in their own life. Some parents have erased these thoughts when they no longer had to deal with them. Some consider their own teen behavior as criticism towards their parents and avoid dealing with it. Only the brave parents keep these memories to make sure they will not repeat their parents' "mistakes".

Around the age of 10, beliefs that were part of children's identity are shattered and they need to put the pieces together to survive emotionally. Kids with high emotional intelligence can do that, but most cannot, so they have to ask for help from those who unintentionally create the problem - their parents or their teachers.

This series will give you a sneak peek into teens' confused brain and help you understand why it is so hard do be a teenager. I still remember my adolescence, I am raising my second teen, the third one is reaching puberty soon and I have worked with lots of teenagers in the last 25 years, so this list is quite reliable.

Following each belief and confusing thought, there is a section explaining the source of the belief and showing what parents can do to help their teenagers change that thought or belief and go through a healthy maturing process.

Schools is not for me

"I have realized that I go to school because my parents want me to go there to prepare me for life. But it is not preparing me for life. Who needs to know the square root of a number by heart? Who needs to find an angle in a triangle? School is a prison and my parents just send me to prison ever day. I can't trust them to make decisions that are good for me."

What parents can do

It is very important throughout your kids' school life not to repeat this mantra to children and to be honest about the reasons they go to school. Kids go to school because parents cannot teach them by themselves or do not want to do it.

Some of what happens at school is great, some is boring and some is not about preparing kids for life. When talking to your child about it, admit that you understand some of it is just a waste of time and help your kids focus on the good that can still come out of going to school.

All my kids have always gone to school for the breaks, for the fun days and for the extracurricular activities (band, dance, sport, etc). Still, they are all very good students. When they complained about school, we said, "You're right, this is a waste of time", "Yeah, I used to hate it too" or "I agree, you will probably never need that after school".

Allow your teens to hate parts of their schooling and they will not blame you for sending them to prison. Help them see the good parts of school too. Positive focus and honesty are two of the best ways to prepare them for life.

Don't tell me what to do

"My parents humiliate me and make me do things I hate doing. How would they feel if I told them to go to bed early or clean the house? I'm not their slave. What if someone grounded them for a week every time they didn't do the right thing? They don't love me. I hate them."

What parents can do

A teenager thinking like this is being controlled by his parents. There is usually a good reason for them to think like that, so check your parenting style. Are you parenting from fear of losing control or are you parenting with confidence?

Teenagers who feel controlled by their parents do not understand that parents and children are not equal and that parenting comes with responsibility. Usually, this is a sign that the home is parent-centered and that is not comfortable for the child. Although no home should be completely child-centered, there is a place in between where parents set a good example for helping and they expect things from their kids that they also expect from themselves.

If you are angry with your child for not clearing the table after a meal while you are in another room watching TV, the child will resent you and question your leadership. Be a role model and remember that the need for control is seen by teenagers as a sign of weakness (which is an accurate observation).

I hate my brother/sister

"My big sister is my greatest enemy. She has way more rights than me. She shouts, she take things away from me, she hits me and because she is stronger, she cheats, but Mom and Dad do nothing about it. They love her more than they love me. I hate her and I hate them."

What parents can do

A home cannot be a jungle where kids need to survive. It needs to be a place of comfort and not a place of fear. When there are conflicts between siblings, parents are not kings and queens that rule the house. They are those who make justice.

Sibling rivalry is a sign that the family rules are not clear, which leaves room for power struggles.

Preferring one child over another because of age ("He's young, give him what he wants" or "He's the eldest, so he has rights"), because of ability ("Shhh, we want to hear her sing"), because of disability ("He can't do it, just help him") or because of gender ("He's a boy, so he can go out and nothing will happen to him, but you're a girl, so going to a party is much more dangerous for you") is a form of discrimination. It sends the message that the rules are not stable - they can change.

This is scary situation, because not everyone understands what is right and what is wrong and where the boundaries are. Only the parents can solve it, so make sure the rules are fair and clear!

Will she like me too?

"Suddenly, when I stand next to a girl, I feel different. I blush and my heart starts beating fast. I think I sweat too much around girls. I think I like her, but I can't say anything to anyone. What if she doesn't like me in return? My friends will make fun of me. I'm afraid to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I'm also afraid someone else might ask her and she'll say 'yes'. It'll be devastating if it happens."

What parents can do

Teaching kids about the natural physical and emotional changes can help greatly in situations like this. Treating this period in life as a normal and healthy period can make life much easier for teenagers.

Ask your daughter when she wants to go together to get her first bra before she asks for it. Tell her about what to expect when she gets her period before she comes to you in panic after hearing the other girls talk. Teach your son how to shave. Celebrate hair in new places and changes in the voice.

If you feel uncomfortable talking about these things, get someone else you trust to do it. It is better if they hear it from you or from someone you trust than from other kids who have lots of fear and misunderstanding about these changes. Remember, when you avoid talking about puberty and sexual development, you make your teens think there is something wrong or dirty about it.

Talk to your teenagers about your first love to help them understand it is natural. Talk to them about disappointment and love you did not get in return to help them understand that the adults in their life have experienced these things and survived.

The topic of peer pressure is something that needs to be addressed from a very early stage of your child's schooling. What others think about you is theirs and it is not healthy to let them pressure you to do or not do things. It is important for kids to gain confidence and trust themselves and their own judgment and every time they are subject to peer pressure, they shrink their own judgment and become weaker.

Parents don't know everything

"I think dad is not as smart as he says he is. Last week, when I talked to him about something, he talked as if he knew everything, but I knew he didn't, because we'd learned about it at school. Maybe there are many things he doesn't know and he only talks about them in this "I'm smart and I know everything" tone. How can I trust him?"

What parents can do

Some parents talk in a way that seems very confident to their kids, as if they know everything. Parents like to be in this position and when it changes, they feel a bit helpless and try to maintain their know-it-all image for fear that kids' knowing more than them creates a risky relationship.

It is very natural for kids growing up in this generation to get to a stage when they know more than their parents do. All my kids have had musical training and I have had none. There is no point pretending I know as much as they do after 8-10 years of learning and practicing. My kids grew up in an English-speaking environment and English is a native language to them. Sometimes, when I look for a word, I ask them. It is better to admit they know more when they do. It does not reduce or weaken me in any way. It only helps them consider me as human and trust me, which makes their teen years easier.

To prevent your teens from feeling they cannot trust you, be honest even when they are younger. If they ask you something you do not know, say simply, "I don't know". If there is anything they can do better then you, ask for their help. It is better for them to realize there are things you do not know from as early as possible. It saves them this very common shock later and strengthens your bond with them.

Join me next week for another sneak peek into teens' mindset and ways for you to understand and help them change their thoughts in a positive way.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Scary Times
• Troubled Teens: Terrible Times
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

During the Easter break, we watched the movie Canvas with the kids. It tells the story of a family in which the mother has Schizophrenia. The father works as a builder for a rich jerk who buys speedboats and cars, but pays him too little too late, so they do not have enough money for medicine, which their basic health insurance refuses to cover.

The film shows how being poor and sick can have negative effects on your life and spin it out of control so quickly that it is super hard to recover. Because people expect certain behavior from adults, the mother creates a scene, which gets them thrown out of public places, like restaurants. Business owners may empathize with someone who sees imaginary people, but they still have a business to run.

The boy, being young, cannot truly understand what is happening to his mother. Unfortunately, neither can his schoolmates, who bully him for it. Also unfortunately, the father is a simple man who struggles to get by and lacks the emotional tools to help his son relax and cope with the mother's strangeness and absence, let alone the additional social burden he has to endure.

So next thing you know, the kid starts going nuts too, has a fight with the boss' kid, screams at his mom when she shows up at his birthday party with clown hats and a cake and skips school left right and center. Eventually, the principal and the boss catch up with the father and the father loses his job.

The whole time, I was sitting there, thinking to myself, "Don't they have a family? Where are the grandparents? Where are the uncles and aunts and cousins?"

But there were none. In fact, the woman who lived next door seems to want nothing better than for them to leave her neighborhood. When the mother runs outside and stands in the rain talking to people only she can see, the neighbor calls the police and they take the mother away to a mental hospital, where the doctors sedate her and test different drugs on her.

The only people who are nice and helpful are the father's friends from work - big guys who lend a hand and a smile. It is great at times, but it is not enough.

Working with clients, I sometimes try to convince them to invest in a solution that takes a bit more upfront, but saves and produces more down the road. In such cases, I often use the expression "Poor man pays twice" when comparing their options.

And it is true! When you have no car, you waste even more time getting to and from places. When you have no money for regular doctor and dentist checkups, your health problems grow until you have to treat them at any cost. When you have no steady job with a good group rate for health insurance, you either pay a lot more or have no cover until it is too late. When you have to work extra hours just to make ends meet, you neglect your family and you lose what little emotional support you could have when you finally get home (as long as you have a home, that is).

Ronit and I once went to give free hugs with our kids and some friend at an event for homeless people. The experts there told us that most of these homeless folks have some form of mental illness or substance abuse and others had some large calamity wipe out their financials. The homeless people you see on the streets, by the way, are not all of them. There are many people "crashing" at homes of friends or relatives, sometimes for a while and sometimes without knowing when they can get back on their own two feet.

Even people who are not officially poor can be devastated by some unforeseen event, like an accident, a major illness or the collapse of their shares portfolio. Pretty soon, they cannot pay their credit card debt in full and the exorbitant interest rate kicks in, leeching any money they can gather with no end in sight and crippling their chances of recovery rapidly.

The answer, my friend, is community.

A community is based on social norms, which means everyone works for the general best interest, without counting favors. As long as everyone is equally concerned about others' wellbeing as the others are about theirs, the community buffers harm and increases good.

When you move into a new house, a community welcomes you with smiles and some food, shows you around the neighborhood and offers to watch your kids when you need that. Nobody needs to tell you your services will be equally needed to complete the picture. You will offer them freely once you have settled in.

When your child goes to a new school, a community assigns a "buddy" to show them around and tell them "how things are done here". Their buddy introduces them to kids with similar interests and checks in on them until they feel safe. Other kids get excited to see new kids and invite them to social gatherings and parties as a matter of course.

Other communities can be the basketball club, afternoon art class, marching band, athletics team, religious organization, youth group, Scouts, Guides, the local chamber of commerce or trade union chapter and even the bank.

The biggest sign that these are not working very well for people these days is ... (drum roll) ... the popularity of social media sites, like Facebook. Human beings long so much to belong to a community, they join one online if they have to. They will exchange recipes with a person in another country if their neighbor stays behind closed doors. They will play online games with "friends" from half way around the world who may not speak the same language if their school is full of bullies.

The best thing about communities is that they have something in common - a sport, a hobby, a religious belief, a political opinion or a social cause. Sometimes, it is the place of work and sometimes, it is just the street everyone lives in. That common thing can unite very different people, if only they stopped long enough to focus on what they have in common.

So I say go out and meet other folks wherever you can. Pluck up the courage and reach out to other human beings, even ones you have never talked before. Join a club, become a member of an association, coach little league, cheer for the local team, bake cakes for the school's fundraiser, go to networking events to find people you like, ask your neighbors how they are doing, throw parties and accept barbecue invitations. If you prefer to start online, join communities that also meet offline (I personally like Meetup).

Because, really, we are all in the same boat. We all lose a loved one at some stage, we all need to make a living, we all try to raise our children the best we can, we all want to fulfill our dreams and we all want to feel like we belong.

As parents, not only is this going to provide your family with the support it needs, but it will show your kids how to build communities and give them enough practice at it to create a safer, warmer world for themselves one social circle at a time.

Happy days,
Gal

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If you have anorexia or any other eating disorder, or if you have a child that has it and you want to help, it is important to focus on the thoughts and the mindset and not on the food. Not eating is not the problem. It is the solution that people with a distorted perception find for their problems.

Avoid trying to convince them to eat. It only makes things worse. Anorexic people need control, not a nagger.

Avoid punishing a child who has anorexia. It only increases their helplessness and their desire to control something (ANYTHING) in their life, like what they eat, when they eat and how much they eat.

Generally, anorexic people have a very bad self-image, considering self as useless, not worthy, a failure, stupid, an idiot, etc, and they use every little thing that happens in their life to reinforce it. They use their glasses to look for proof they are worthless and they do not consider single events as temporary or coincidental, but as part of their identity.

Here is a list of thoughts that make big things out of small things and demonstrates the effect of the huge magnifying glasses anorexic people wear. Each one you get rid of will reduce the magnifying effect.

1. Thinking that "every bit of fat must go", even if it is supposed to be in the body. The photos you see of an anorexic girl looking in the mirror and seeing a full-bodied girl are really what they see. There is not point saying, "You look great. You don't need to lose weight". You are not looking through their glasses.
2. Every tiny mistake is proof they are useless, stupid and failures. Anorexic people do not see that mistakes happen because they are tired, because they do not know something or just because they are human. Even the tiniest mistakes should never happen!
3. Thinking "I feel ugly, so I must be ugly". This is when someone is convinced that the feeling defines them. Again, this is a problem with magnifying the feeling and not considering the feeling as temporary.
4. Seeking approval from others, because "I'm not in control and I'm useless". This attitude is problematic because the source of anorexia is lack of control. Anorexics live in a continuous attempt to prove that they are not in control and that they are useless, so during hard times, they will seek approval (disapproval) from others to support these notions.
5. Thinking "I am not enough" - not good enough, not smart enough, not friendly enough, etc. Many times, they hear those statements from others and after a while, they start adopting the belief. If you are a parent, watch what you say and make sure your love for your children is unconditional. They are born good enough and do not have to prove they are good enough, smart enough or considerate enough for you to love them. Keep in mind you do not have to use the word "enough" to state that you do not think they are "enough". If you compare them to someone else, if you tell them they need to earn your trust or love, if you criticize them, if you are sarcastic towards them, if you are aggressive towards them, if you are judgmental or if you are controlling, then you are telling them they are not "enough".
6. Catastrophizing - always thinking of the worst possible outcome (and even impossible outcomes sometimes). "I ate a piece of chocolate. That's it, I've destroyed everything!" or "If it didn't happen the way I wanted it, it will never happen!" or "It will never be the same again". Anorexic people have good times when things are alright and they feel good and eat well, but small setbacks take them straight into giving-up mode and "it's not worth it anymore".
7. Excessive use of the word "should" to set unrealistically high standard and make sure there will fail. Again, if you are a parent, watch what you say. Many of the people who use the word "should" grew up in homes that used this word too often.
8. Excessive use of the word "must". This limits the choices and supports the feeling of helplessness. Similar to "should", many anorexic people have heard they "must" do, be or have things so many times that they are convinced it is true. If you are a parent, I suggest you only tell your children they must be, i.e. they must stay alive. The rest is their choice. Otherwise, they might choose not to eat and then, they might not be.
9. Black and white thinking. This is the brother of "must" and "should" and supports the magnifying effect. If I feel sad, I am 100% sad, nothing in the middle. If I feel angry, I am 100% angry. Those people have a problem with rating their feelings (good and bad). If you ask them to rate their emotions from 1-10, the answer will always be "10".
10. Tendency towards perfectionism - keeping high standards to regain control and reassure there will always be disappointment and failure.
11. Self sabotage. When things gets tough, burn bridges. When you cannot do things perfectly, give up and let yourself and others down. One second before they reach success, they stop or do something that ruins their success.
12. Believe that rules of the rest of the world do not apply to them. They use this strategy to reject help and to justify their existing situation. They say, "What do you know?" and if you do understand, they say, "Yes, but your case was different from mine".

It is important to know that anorexic people are not born with those magnifying glasses. They develop them due to lots of pain and an inability to manage their emotions. Therefore, the power of their glasses can be changed with love, creativity and strong emotional intelligence.

Be happy!
Ronit

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At the headquarters of National Semiconductor in Santa Clara, California, there was a sign posted on the wall of a corridor, which read

Doing no more than the average is what brings the average down

Let's say 10 people do their best work digging holes. On average, they dig 5 holes a day, because 1 digs 7 holes, 2 dig 6 holes, 4 dig 5 holes, 2 dig 4 holes and 1 digs 3 holes.

On their second week of work, they are told about the group's average performance. Those who dug more than 5 holes in the previous week feel like they gave more than the rest, so they all slow down and dig 5 holes each. So 7 people now dig 5 holes each, while the others continue as before.

The new average? 4.6 holes per person per day. So by doing no more than the (previous) average, a new average is created, which is lower, and this could continue until everybody digs 3 holes a day, like the slowest worker.

How is this related to the divorce rate?

In the past, divorce was unacceptable in many societies. Once people got married, which was often by parental arrangement, they were stuck with their partners for life. Marriage was literally "until death do us part". Being married for life was what everybody did. The average divorce rate was 0%.

Believing that ending their marriage while both partners were alive was not an option, the only available course of action was to make the marriage work. Sometimes, that was just as much fun as digging holes, but everyone dug 7 a day and kept their mouths shut.

Now, when you try to make a marriage work and you are committed to it for the long haul, you make decisions accordingly. You join bank accounts, split the responsibilities for best household performance and comfort, do your best to get to know your partner and try to be accommodating. In return, you could also rely on your partner to be there for you in times of difficulty, simply because he or she was as committed to the marriage as you were.

But even before the marriage started, young people (or their parents) spent time considering "the right person", the person they would commit the rest of their life to and that would commit theirs back to them. In every society, the values and preferred qualities were different, but still, there was more of an effort to make the best choice of partner.

At some point, perhaps because of exposure to other ways of life and alternative sets of beliefs, divorce became an option. At first, it was easier on the men, then it became easier on the women, but the floodgates were opened.

After that, the average started to crawl upwards. Knowing another person, maybe even a friend or a relative, who had divorced, gave unconscious permission to others to do the same. Celebrities' divorces started to make the whole thing fashionable. Why, if so-and-so could get a divorce and remain beautiful, rich and famous, anybody could.

Of course, when you think of your marriage as a temporary arrangement, from which you can always "bale out", your decisions are all different. You always have to cover yourself in the event of your marriage's untimely demise.

So you keep a personal bank account "on the side". Just in case. Who knows when you might need it? And you keep in touch with some friends from your past who have shown an interest in you. Just in case. Who knows when you might have to spend the night somewhere else?

But you also approach your partner in a more cautious way. On the surface, it may be presented as respect, but maybe there is more than a little bit of fear in it. Fear of causing a big enough fight, of losing the relationship, of losing the kids, the house, the comfort.

I know some people who live in "his house" or drive "her car". Living in someone else's house must feel like living on charity. It is not a good foundation for an equal relationship.

In "blended families", people may even struggle with the question "Whose child is this?" If a man marries a woman with a 2-year-old child, at which point does he become the kids' dad? Does he ever? What if he wants to tell the kid to go to bed at 11pm? Does he have the right?

And the more divorces, the more permission to divorce and the more divorces still. After all, "Everybody's doing it".

If this is not enough, divorces have created such a big market that dating sites provide a lot more than 50 ways to leave your lover. "Family" lawyers abound who will help you prepare such prenuptial agreements you will start suspecting your prospective partner before you even say, "I do", and you will have that agreement on your mind in difficult times to help you calculate the benefits of breaking up the marriage.

Of course, with a strong "prenup", you can jump into marriage with just about anyone, because you can always get out of it in a hurry too.

Kids? Nope, nothing in the prenup about them. Tough (for them, anyway).

Now, all of the above is my interpretation of how it works, but I can tell you there are people I know who demonstrate these differences in attitude so well, I feel it is about right.

Bottom line:

1. Forget what everybody is doing and do the best you can in your own marriage
2. If you are not married (again) yet, consider communication styles, love language, beliefs and values before joining hands (civil or religious, it does not matter)
3. Imagine a full life with your partner, including having kids, moving, making money, losing money, having a mid-life crisis (one each), kids leaving home, retirement and old age (may we all get to that in peace), and be ready for them
4. Commit yourself wholeheartedly to that one special person and decide to see your relationship as breakable only by death, and maybe not even that (who knows?). Make every decision within the marriage framework and make every decision count
5. Share ownership of everything you own officially. In our modern times, this is one of the strongest ways to demonstrate your commitment - putting your money where your mouth is
6. Invest in yourself as a person. It is much easier being together when you are happy
7. Develop your relationship skills and invest in your partner and your marriage
8. Children of divorced parents hurt for life. Remember your responsibility for your kids and always consider how your decisions affect them
9. Keep an image of your partner from when you decided to tie your lives together. This can be a picture or anything else that reminds you how you felt about him or her. Use this image to strengthen your commitment and to help you notice these things in your partner every day

Just to clarify, "marriage" is any exclusive adult relationship that involves living together and sharing resources, especially when children are involved.

Happy marriage,
Gal

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