It is easier to shield our bodies against the harmful arrows from without than to protect our minds from the poisoned darts within
- Shakyamuni

Anorexia is a very debilitating disease. While it looks like there is a physical problem, the real problem is the one we cannot see with our eyes but the one we can see with our heart. As hard as it is to accept, choosing not to eat is a way to deal with difficult emotions.

Most eating disorders are the same. Eating (too much) or not eating (at all) is the solution to worry, to fear, to shame, to confusion, to failure and to guilt, and gradually, the simplest strategy seems to be to shut down the desire for food.

I do not know if you have ever fasted for fun, for health or for weight loss. There is a point when you no longer feel hungry at all. I think it is important for people to feel this point to understand that we can eat or not eat at will. To survive, we really do not need much food, so someone who chooses not to eat, really does not feel hungry, but still has those emotions that he or she tries to keep away. If you want to help a person who has anorexia, remember that focusing on the food is (again) working on the symptom and not the problem.

The best solution to anorexia is increasing the emotional intelligence. The first step is to recognize the feelings and the second step is to manage the feelings.

Today, I will focus on tips to mange worrying.

Worry is a feeling of fear from a possible bad future. People go to the future inside their head and imagine something bad, then come back to the present carrying the fear of this possibility. If it seems to you not to be real, it is because it is not. We all do this in some form, but some people have a problem distinguishing between their imaginary future and the present and those people do not just worry. They have what we call an anxiety attack.

Here are 10 tips to address worry or, in its severe form, anxiety, that may be a trigger to choosing not to eat. These are good for anyone, whether they have anorexia or not, and can help you help another person too.

1. Take a deep breath and feel the tension leaving your body. Exhale deeply and inhale deeply a few times. If the tension is still there, take deep breathes for 2-3 minutes. The oxygen to your brain will help your body trigger calming chemicals. Give your body the time to help you.
2. Name the worry. Tell yourself what you are worried about. If you find it hard, imagine someone else saying it. For example, if you are worried about going to a pool party in your bikini, imagine your most popular, good-looking friend saying to you, "I'm worried about going to the pool party in my bikini. I think I am fat". This will probably make you think about the statement as if it is not coming from you and help you question its validity.
3. Write it down. Having a journal, where you write about your worries, is very helpful in getting a bit of perspective. Thinking it is different than writing it. Reading about your worries later, when you are in a better mood, will help you monitor your mood and find correlations between events in your life and the feelings you have. For example, you may have more negative thoughts about your body whenever you spend time with a specific person.
4. Share with a friend. Sharing your troubles with someone who has the same problem can help. If you are both together in this, you can help each other out. Many anorexic people say, "You don’t understand", and they say it because it is true. People who are not anorexic do not understand. If you join a group of people who do understand, you can feel safe and start considering ways to recover.
5. Talk to a supportive person. Many times, taking to someone you trust can help you get the load off our back. Many girls with anorexia have problems related to control. Not eating is their way of protesting against someone in their life who is too controlling, as if they were saying, "At least you can't control what I eat". If they share their feeling with someone who is on their side and can reassure them that the controlling person is not OK, they can stop blaming themselves for this and feel better.
   
6. Imagine the worst-case scenario. If you have a problem, if you are worried about doing or not doing something, ask yourself, "What's the worst that can happen?" Sometimes, when you go all the way, you realize that the fear of the wolf is greater than the wolf itself.
7. Imagine the controlling person sitting on the toilet. Again, anorexia is a control issue. Many anorexic people have a controlling person that they try to get off their back and they find comfort in controlling the only thing they think they can control - food. Yet, the controlling person is just a person. Whenever you have an encounter with this person, imagine him or her sitting on the toilet an taking a poo. It will make it easy for you to see them as a human being and not as powerful and controlling.
8. Distance yourself from it. Many things we worry about today will not exist in two weeks, two months or two years. Ask yourself, "What will I think about this in 5 years?" It will probably mean nothing at all then. When my daughter worries about the score of one of her exams in 6^th Grade, I say, "Think about yourself in high school, having the time of your life in the school production. Do you think you'll remember that 5 years ago you got one 'C' in Geography?" She smiles and moves on to doing other things. It works. Try it. Take yourself 5 years into the future and many things will no longer matter.
9. Do something! Anorexia is a feeling of helplessness. If you get into the habit of doing something to fix or improve the situation, you will not feel helpless anymore. I ask all my clients at the end of every session to write 9 things they can do immediately to get them closer to their goals. Even if you move slowly, you are in motion and you are taking control of your actions.
10. Meditate. I know it sounds strange, but meditation is a very good way to regain control over your life. Meditation helps clear your mind and blocks the control that comes from the outside. Any form of meditation will do the trick. Find something simple that suits you.

When you clear worries from the system, it is much easier to switch to healing mode.

Be happy,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Anorexia: Exaggerated Perception
• The art of Excellence (3): Risk, success and happiness
• The art of Excellence (2): Fighting poverty

If you have anorexia or any other eating disorder, or if you have a child that has it and you want to help, it is important to focus on the thoughts and the mindset and not on the food. Not eating is not the problem. It is the solution that people with a distorted perception find for their problems.

Avoid trying to convince them to eat. It only makes things worse. Anorexic people need control, not a nagger.

Avoid punishing a child who has anorexia. It only increases their helplessness and their desire to control something (ANYTHING) in their life, like what they eat, when they eat and how much they eat.

Generally, anorexic people have a very bad self-image, considering self as useless, not worthy, a failure, stupid, an idiot, etc, and they use every little thing that happens in their life to reinforce it. They use their glasses to look for proof they are worthless and they do not consider single events as temporary or coincidental, but as part of their identity.

Here is a list of thoughts that make big things out of small things and demonstrates the effect of the huge magnifying glasses anorexic people wear. Each one you get rid of will reduce the magnifying effect.

1. Thinking that "every bit of fat must go", even if it is supposed to be in the body. The photos you see of an anorexic girl looking in the mirror and seeing a full-bodied girl are really what they see. There is not point saying, "You look great. You don't need to lose weight". You are not looking through their glasses.
2. Every tiny mistake is proof they are useless, stupid and failures. Anorexic people do not see that mistakes happen because they are tired, because they do not know something or just because they are human. Even the tiniest mistakes should never happen!
3. Thinking "I feel ugly, so I must be ugly". This is when someone is convinced that the feeling defines them. Again, this is a problem with magnifying the feeling and not considering the feeling as temporary.
4. Seeking approval from others, because "I'm not in control and I'm useless". This attitude is problematic because the source of anorexia is lack of control. Anorexics live in a continuous attempt to prove that they are not in control and that they are useless, so during hard times, they will seek approval (disapproval) from others to support these notions.
5. Thinking "I am not enough" - not good enough, not smart enough, not friendly enough, etc. Many times, they hear those statements from others and after a while, they start adopting the belief. If you are a parent, watch what you say and make sure your love for your children is unconditional. They are born good enough and do not have to prove they are good enough, smart enough or considerate enough for you to love them. Keep in mind you do not have to use the word "enough" to state that you do not think they are "enough". If you compare them to someone else, if you tell them they need to earn your trust or love, if you criticize them, if you are sarcastic towards them, if you are aggressive towards them, if you are judgmental or if you are controlling, then you are telling them they are not "enough".
6. Catastrophizing - always thinking of the worst possible outcome (and even impossible outcomes sometimes). "I ate a piece of chocolate. That's it, I've destroyed everything!" or "If it didn't happen the way I wanted it, it will never happen!" or "It will never be the same again". Anorexic people have good times when things are alright and they feel good and eat well, but small setbacks take them straight into giving-up mode and "it's not worth it anymore".
7. Excessive use of the word "should" to set unrealistically high standard and make sure there will fail. Again, if you are a parent, watch what you say. Many of the people who use the word "should" grew up in homes that used this word too often.
8. Excessive use of the word "must". This limits the choices and supports the feeling of helplessness. Similar to "should", many anorexic people have heard they "must" do, be or have things so many times that they are convinced it is true. If you are a parent, I suggest you only tell your children they must be, i.e. they must stay alive. The rest is their choice. Otherwise, they might choose not to eat and then, they might not be.
9. Black and white thinking. This is the brother of "must" and "should" and supports the magnifying effect. If I feel sad, I am 100% sad, nothing in the middle. If I feel angry, I am 100% angry. Those people have a problem with rating their feelings (good and bad). If you ask them to rate their emotions from 1-10, the answer will always be "10".
10. Tendency towards perfectionism - keeping high standards to regain control and reassure there will always be disappointment and failure.
11. Self sabotage. When things gets tough, burn bridges. When you cannot do things perfectly, give up and let yourself and others down. One second before they reach success, they stop or do something that ruins their success.
12. Believe that rules of the rest of the world do not apply to them. They use this strategy to reject help and to justify their existing situation. They say, "What do you know?" and if you do understand, they say, "Yes, but your case was different from mine".

It is important to know that anorexic people are not born with those magnifying glasses. They develop them due to lots of pain and an inability to manage their emotions. Therefore, the power of their glasses can be changed with love, creativity and strong emotional intelligence.

Be happy!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Anorexia: Warning Signs
• Anorexia: How to stop worrying
• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts

Gal and I used to eat whatever our parents ate. We went to the supermarket and picked from the shelves the exact same things we had seen our parents choose or whatever was on sale. It took us 5 years of managing our own economy and a sick girl to discover that what we eat and how we eat has a strong impact on our life. Some things you just cannot learn at school.

It happened more than 20 years ago and since then, we have learned more and more about what to eat to be healthy in body and mind. I know that not everyone is convinced that healthy eating is the right solution and I understand. After all, the concept of "health" is very wide. When I sit with my clients at a cafe and order iced coffee with ice cream and whipped cream, I am 100% convinced it is healthy for my soul. So we may not agree about what food is healthy, but I think we can all agree on how to eat.

We live a very fast lifestyle. All the people around you will tell you they have no time - no time for the kids, no time for fun, no time for hobbies, no time for friends and no time for eating. Many shops and massive businesses have come to life to cater for this "fast food" lifestyle. We grab a shake, eat a meal on the way, in the car, during a meeting, while watching TV, during phone conversations and when reading a book. We think we are saving time, but we are making it harder for our digestive system to make the best of our food and this creates a never-ending cycle. What we eat is not digested properly, we lack essential nutrients, we feel tired, we become ineffective and what usually takes us 2 hours, suddenly takes us 4 and we have just lost 2 hours of our precious time, so we need to catch up and save time by grabbing some fast food or eating our healthy food on the run.

Unfortunately, our kids are like little monkeys. They see how we eat and they do exactly what we do. If you watch TV while you eat, you cannot complain that your children want to do the same.

The way we eat has a direct impact on our digestive system and as a result, on our health and well-being, our energy level and on our ability to handle stress.

There are 4 simple things you can do to help your body make the best of what you eat. Teaching kids how to eat will make sure they do not start their own "eating on the run" cycle. Good habits will last them for life.

Enjoy your food, eat comfortably, eat together

Eating needs to be an enjoyable experience. When eating is complicated or lonely, we associate food with need rather than with pleasure. Many theories about health and food emphasize the importance of enjoying your food.

French people eat lots of cream and drink wine, yet they have no issues with fat in their diet, because they love food and instead of thinking about it as burden or a source of worry and heartache, they enjoy their food and there is no better way of enjoying your food than enjoying it in friendly company.

I have worked with some families that did not have a dining table. Everyone ate at different times and at different places in the house. When we lived in Thailand, we noticed that the Thai people seemed to be eating all the time, every waking hour, and they always ate together.

Gal was a manager in a company and used to bring his own lunch to work. The people he managed always ate together. When they saw him eating by himself, they invited him to join them and around the table, everyone was equal.

Make sure you have special family eating times with your children. It is a wonderful opportunity to bond with other family members and make the experience an enjoyable memory for the kids. Meals are not just for food, they are social events.

Eat warm food

Our body is like a washing machine that heats the water before it washes the dirty clothes. If you connect the washing machine to a hot water outlet, the washing will start straight away. If you connect it to cold water, it will take time for the machine to heat the water, and only when this is completed, the washing cycle will start.

Using cold water will use more energy. When eating, if you eat warm food and drink warm water, the body will start digesting the food straight away, if you eat cold food and cold drinks, it will take the body time to heat the food before it starts digesting.

Digestion and stress are the two things that take most of our energy. If you feel exhausted and tired after having a meal, it is usually a sign that your digestive system is working hard. If your food is cold, or even frozen, your system works harder and you use up a lot of energy (if you are wondering about eating hot food, there is nothing to worry about. When we feel the food is too hot in our mouth, it never reaches the digestive system).

The solution is not to eat or drink straight from the fridge, especially when you are not feeling good, when you are sick or when you are tired. Take fruit, vegetable, dairy food or drinks out of the fridge and let them stand outside for a while before you eat or drink them.

When you eat, eat!

The second thing you can do is use the rule "When you eat, eat!" According to traditional Chinese medicine, digestion and concentration use the same energy. It means we cannot eat and do other things at the same time, because our energy goes to the other things and our digestive system does not have enough left.

It is a very easy and simple rule: when you eat, focus on eating. No books, no TV, no radio, no computers, no work and no talking on the phone. Just eating. If you follow this rule, your kids will do the same. Our family loves music, but we make sure we turn it off while we eat. When we finish eating, sometimes Tsoof brings his guitar and we sing. Make it easy for your digestive system to do what it needs to do.

It is easy. Try it for two weeks and you will see a huge difference in the kids' behavior.

Chew!

Digestion starts in our mouth, using our teeth to break down the food and our saliva to soften it and break down the starch. When we chew the food, we send a massage to the digestive system to produce enzymes to break down the food.

If the food gets to the stomach too quickly, there are not enough enzymes to break it down. Our digestive system also does a much better job when the food reaches the stomach in very small, soft chunks. If we swallow the food too quickly, it takes longer for it to break down and sometimes, it is pushed along only partially digested and we do not absorb all the nutrients in it.

If it takes long to digest, our body does extra work and that makes us feel tired and exhausted, but if we cut the food with our teeth and chew it well, it will be digested quickly and easily. Chewing our food makes it easier for our digestive system and can save us lots of needed energy.

It takes our body 20 minutes to notice we have eaten. Chewing every bite 20 times (Yoga says 27) will make sure we eat more slowly and feel full after a smaller amount of food. Eating too quickly actually makes us eat more.

Chewing 20 times is not easy, but you can make a game out of it and have an evening a week when you make a conscious effort to chew your food and help your body save energy. Ask them about the different flavors they can taste and about how the taste of the food changes as they chew. Playing chewing games with kids will also help with the fun and enjoyment.

I see "eat and run" as a form of eating disorder. Most people do it to save time, but what they lose is energy and even more time. Having good food habits food is as important as what we eat and starting young can make sure this will become second nature to them and accompany them for life. Having a general positive attitude towards food will keep your kids away from eating disorders.

Patience is a virtue with food too.

Bon appétit,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The "Light Thinking" Diet
• Teenage Problems
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Food

Be brave! Keep reading and look carefully at every photo, even though they are scary.

Skeletons

Having a child with Anorexia or any other eating disorder requires strong, brave parents who manage to help their child despite what others might say about them. The problem with Anorexia is that everyone can see it. Most kids do not do a very good job hiding it.

A couple of years ago, I worked with an anorexic woman who was 40 years old and weighed about 25kg (55lbs). Trust me, that was scary! It is not something you can hide very well. When I was in hospital with her, in the mental ward, there were other girls there and not all of them were teens. They looked like skeletons! But it is much harder to notice anorexia when it is developing and people often say, "She's just a bit skinny, that's all. She'll get over it".

Many people think they need to make the anorexic person eat more, but anorexia is a mental problem related to control and it does not go away when you eat more. In fact, taking over control and forcing a girl to eat might only make things worse.

The problem we have in our society is that most women and more and more men have some kind of eating disorder. The exposure to media that tells us how we need to look puts a lot of pressure on people's self-esteem and mental stability. When someone starts showing signs of anorexia, we tend to ignore them by saying, "Everyone these days is dying to be thin". I agree that everyone wants to be slim, but not everyone wants to die for it.

When I talked to the girls in the mental ward, none of them realized their anorexia might kill them. One of them was about 24 years old and the doctors told her she would never be able to have kids, because starvation had damaged her reproductive organs. She had a great explanation for it, "When the body is missing essential nutrients, it takes them from organs that are not vital and reproduction is not vital". She was in hospital for over 4 month and her mother and father did not come to see her even once because of the shame. When we talked, she sounded as if life had been sucked out of her - no joy, no smiles, no motivation, no hope.

Spending a month there with my client, I felt that the joy, the smiles and the motivation were seeping out of me, fast. I was happy to go home in the evenings.

Yet, when I took the group of them, including one in a wheelchair, because she could not stand on her feet, to the nearby shopping center for supplies and lunch, they all behaved like little kids in a toy store. I spent the whole day trying to convince the ward it would be healthy for them to go out, see people, breathe fresh air and want things to buy, because wanting is a very important factor in healing, especially wanting to live. Sometimes I could swear the hospital was making it worse. If your daughter develops anorexia, you should do everything you can to make sure she is never hospitalized.

Much like in many health problems, early diagnosis is vital to good recovery. A person with anorexia will try to hide it, but if you establish good relationships with your kids and you see them getting dressed sometimes, it will be easy to notice that something has changed. Anorexia is a way to cope with a problem and it gives the person temporary relief. If you pay attention to your children's physical and behavioral changes, you will notice that something is wrong easily and quickly. It may not mean your child is anorexic, but it is something you need to pay attention to. In Special Education, we say that we need to see enough "red lights" to confirm a diagnosis and I think this is also a wise way of reacting to anorexia. But when you see enough red lights, it is time to seek help.

Anorexia warning signs

Here is a list of anorexia warning signs. Since every person is different, they come in different combinations, but when you know your kids well, you will spot them.

• Obsessively counting calories and being very rigid about what they eat
• Skipping meals
• Fasting without medical guidance
• Swapping meals with fluids
• Avoiding particular foods for no health reason
• Taking vomiting tablets
• Taking laxatives - you can see they go to the toilet immediately after meals, so listen to check if they vomit too
• Sudden interest in "healthy eating"
• Not wanting to eat food they used to like
• Constantly claiming they have eaten already - it is OK from time to time, but when it becomes a habit, something is wrong
• Talking about food as "good" or "bad"
• Avoiding social gatherings where food is served or, if they have to go, saying, "I am allergic/sensitive to..." or "I have eaten already" when you know it is not true
• Excessive or compulsive exercise - some people love to exercise and there is nothing wrong with it, but being obsessive about it is not healthy. Obsession can be exercising no matter what or showing distress when not being able to exercise
• Being obsessed with diets - developing a sudden interest in weight-loss programs, websites and recipes, showing extreme interest in celebrities' shapes and diets, eating slowly, eating with teaspoon and cutting food into tiny pieces
• Generally, obsessive behavior is a sign there is some disorder. When people insist on eating at a specific time, having the same rituals, drinking from a certain cup or sitting in a specific place, it is a sign of obsessive behavior. Eating disorders are obsessive behaviors related to food. Changes shake their world. Even if it does not seem major, pay attention and address it when it starts
• Avoiding social activities and not enjoying things they used to enjoy before
• Never being hungry
• Lying about what they have eaten - anorexics are not all sophisticated. For example, you can tell when they bring back their lunch box full. One of my clients discovered many sandwiches behind her son's bed, which he had thrown at the end of the day so she would not know he had not eaten them
• Sudden weight loss or a change of clothing style to wearing big clothes and long sleeves so no one would notice the loss of weight. Look at their hands and legs. If you think they look like a skeleton, something might be wrong
• Feeling cold most of the time - a lack of nutrients affects our ability to keep ourselves warm
• Not having a regular period - it is very important for every mother to know when her daughter gets her period so that when something has changed, she will notice. Remember, reproduction is not vital. If your daughter wakes up in ten years and says, "Oh, I want to have kids now", it may be too late
• Feeling tired most of the time and not being able to perform regular activities
• Fainting or feeling dizzy
• Lots of complaining about being overweight. It is good when kids complain about their problems, so you should be very happy when they complain, because you know what they are facing and you can help them. However, when the complaint seems unrealistic and does not stop no matter what you do, it is a bad sign
• Anxiety around mealtime and general moodiness and irritability - these are usually signs that something is bothering them and it is much like the complaining
• Expressing feelings of "out of control" - remember, eating disorders are actually control problems. It is your daughter's way of gaining control over her life. Help her regain a sense of control. Give her choices, even create opportunities to choose and let her know she is in control of her life
• Expressing feelings of shame, unworthiness and guilt - generally, these are not healthy feelings. They may not be signs of anorexia, but it is one of those "red lights" that we need to pay attention to, particularly when others are "turned on"

Anorexia is typically a problem among women, although there are more and more cases of boys with anorexia. Pay attention to your boys the same way you pay attention to your girls.

Anorexia can develop from social triggers, chemical imbalances and other reasons, but so can other thing. If your child is showing the signs above, maybe they are developing anorexia and maybe not, but whatever the problem, early intervention is always better than having to convince a 40-year-old weighing 25kg to eat.

Be brave! Read the signs!

Happy and healthy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Anorexia: Exaggerated Perception
• Anorexia: Model Parenting
• Stories: Fact or Fiction?

I have always believed that fat was a result of heavy thoughts, because the mind is a powerful thing. Now, I have the research to back it up.

The show "You are what you eat" showed people they had full responsibility over what they ate. I think they can call it "You are what you think", because a recent research discovered that our thoughts have a direct impact on what we eat - we gain weight when we have "fat thoughts".

In recent times, "light" became a keyword for food shoppers. We are convinced that in order to be healthy we need to eat "light" food - no fat, no calories, no sugar, no salt, etc. Well, our body reacts badly to it. The more we try to be healthy, the harder it is to lose weight.

Why is that?

In a research done in Yale with the really cool name Mind over milkshakes: Mindsets, not just nutrients, determine Ghrelin response, participants were given milkshakes with 380 calories. Each participant was given the same 380-calorie milkshake on two different occasions - once, they were told that it was "The 140-calorie Sensible Shake" and the other time, they were told it was "The 620-calorie Indulgent Shake".

Their blood was sampled three times, 20 minutes before drinking the milkshake - this was the baseline - and twice more at the 60-minute and 90-minute marks. Each time, the blood test measured the gut peptide Ghrelin, which creates the feeling of hunger. The more Ghrelin you have, the hungrier you are.

The participants were also asked to rate their satisfaction and their answers were consistent with what they thought they were drinking. They rated the "Sensible" shake as 7 times healthier, but enjoyed the "Indulgent" shake much more and found it far more satisfying.

Surprisingly, those who believed their milkshake was the "Sensible" low-calorie shake also showed an increase in their Ghrelin levels, meaning they were hungrier after having the shake than those who thought they were drinking a 620-calorie milkshake. Their body agreed with their mind.

This research had some conclusions I think everyone should be aware of:

1. What we think about our food has a strong impact on our feeling of hunger and satisfaction.
2. What we think about our food has a stronger impact on our body than the nutritional value of the food does.
3. Over time, the thought that healthy food contains fewer calories makes people believe their food is not satisfying and they feel hungrier after they eat it.

How to raise kids with "light" thoughts

(you can use them on yourself too)

1. Stop counting calories. Make sure your kids do not see you paying attention to calories. Counting calories may be a good technique for people to manage their diet, but if they believe their food is not satisfying, they want to eat more.
2. Do not talk to your kids about dieting. Even if you are avoiding things or changing your eating habits, do not call this "a diet". The mind associates dieting with avoidance and with prevention of joy and satisfaction, which will backfire. Dieting only links bad feelings with food, which is a pleasurable and necessary part of life.
3. Advertising low-calorie food as healthy can trick us into buying it, but it cannot trick our body into thinking it is good for us.
4. Tell your kids their body is wise and will make them eat as much as they need. Teach them to listen to their body and pay attention to the signs of "fullness", "hunger" and "thirst". When we listen to our body, we notice when we eat too much.
5. Teach your kids that every person is different and what is good for one may not be good for others, so they need to find what is good for them.
6. Teach your kids the concepts of "balance" and "moderation". It is OK to eat junk food from time to time. It is OK to drink fizzy, colorful and sweet drinks from time to time. It is OK to bring take-away food home from time to time. However, moderation is the name of the game and most of their food should be nutritious.
7. Continual dieting is a form of eating disorder. It is better to have kids who are a bit overweight than to create an eating disorder, which is much harder to fix later on. If your kids have to lose some weight, do not call it a diet. Present it as a new way of eating for the whole family. Dieting should never be seen as punishment (for eating too much or not eating "right"), so if you are not 100% sure a change of eating habits will do the trick, do not start.
8. Teach your kids to enjoy food and not to be afraid of food. Food is not an enemy. Joy goes together with satisfaction. Sugar and fat cravings increase with stress, so when you are satisfied and relaxed, you do not eat too much.

Be happy. That is the lightest thought ever!
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Raise Food-Smart Kids
• Don’t eat and run
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Food

I added the connection between food and health to my bible after a huge pain of trying very hard to get rid of Eden's pneumonia when she was just an 18-month-old baby. By the time she was 2 years old, Eden had been sick with pneumonia 3 times already and had been constantly on antibiotics and inhalers. Before those scary 6 months, I had never thought about what I ate and had just gone to the supermarket and bought the same things my parents and Gal's parents had.

One of my friends, who was trying to help me, told me Eden should eat certain things and avoid eating others to improve her health. I thought she was not normal (which was true, but in a good sense) and that food had nothing to do with germs and health problems. It was only later, when we discovered Eden was sensitive to dairy food, that I realized just how tight the relationship between food and health was.

Food, and only food, was the difference between having a very sick girl (with pneumonia that 6 months of antibiotics could not fix) and having a healthy girl that went to see the doctor only once in the following 20 years. Food, and only food, was the difference between being anemic and having a healthy iron level. During my second, third, fourth and fifth pregnancies, while every other woman had to take iron tablets, my iron level was strong and stable, even the doctor was shocked. Food, and only food, was the difference between Gal having sinus surgery to unblock his nose and not needing that surgery until today.

I figured that since my goal was to have healthy kids, what goes and does not go into their precious bodies was going to be in my parenting bible.

1. Expose your kids to eating a variety of food and they will not be fussy eaters. Fussy eating is an eating disorder that will make their life hard. Make sure you are not a fussy eater yourself if you want to raise adventurous eaters. I was a fussy eater and Gal is totally the opposite. When Eden was about 4½ years old, we moved to Texas and started eating out a lot. As long as we ate at home, everything was easy - I made the food and we ate it - but when I had to choose what to eat at a restaurant (good food, not junk), I realized how fussy I was, so I made a choice to try something new every time I ate out and taste from everyone else's plates. It is OK not to like the taste of something, but it is not OK not to try. This has been in my bible for 17 years, I have 3 kids who are very adventures with food and I am proud to say I am now adventurous too.
2. Do not prepare special food for each member of your family - a home is not a restaurant. This sends a message that fussiness is acceptable. Food disorders should never be a way for kids to get attention. When I had an early childhood center, I asked the mothers to take turns bringing food for all of the kids. One mom did not want to participate and said her daughter was so fussy she would never eat anything the other moms made and would stay hungry. She had 4 kids and in-laws living with her and when she prepared food for them, she would make 7 different meals. Her family members were so fussy that she did not work outside the home and all she did was care for the kids and make food. I convinced her to let her daughter participate in our food exchange program and 3 days later, she said it was unbelievable that her 2½-year-old daughter ate cucumbers, tomatoes and cheese at home. I realized that her parenting bible contained the rule that being a good mother meant making everyone whatever they wanted to eat and I said to myself, "This is NOT going into my bible. Everyone eats what's on the table".
3. Never give food rewards - most of the world's obesity and the emotional struggles of people to lose weight are caused by their association of food with reward and comfort. Save your kids from this lifelong heartache. Verbal affirmations and hugs are the best rewards and if you need something tangible, stickers and balloons will make your kids plenty happy (and healthy).
4. Do not serve desert in home meals - there is no need to eat something sweet at the end of every meal. If kids (and grownups) get used to finishing a meal with a sweet, it will be hard for them to stop it. If you really have to, serve fruit as the best sweet to finish your dinner.
5. Water is the essence of life - drink plenty of water. Most health problems are associated with dehydration. Make sure you drink 1 liter of water for every 22kg (48lbs) of weight. I learned this rule from my Reiki Master when I lived in Singapore and for many years, I have confirmed it over and over again. My youngest daughter becomes asthmatic when she is dehydrated. If I tell her she must stand next to me and drink water before she is allowed to do anything else, within couple of hours, she is perfect. Drink plenty of water!
6. Stay away from food colors - I learned this rule during my special education studies. During childhood, I loved everything that had colors. The more colorful it was, the testier it was for me. During my studies, I discovered so many learning difficulties and health problems related to food colors that I added not having them to my parenting bible. Food colors are poison! I know that not all of them are, but I believe it is safest to try and avoid them all.
7. Have junk events - go out for some junk food or bringing junk food home from time to time to stop your kids' craving for it and take the sting out of eating it. I learned this on myself. In my family, we hardly ever had any ice cream. It was expensive and my parents bought it only on special occasions. Loving it and not having it turned it into a need, rather than a want. When Gal and I moved in together, I went to the supermarket and bought every flavor of ice cream in the freezer (our fridge had about 6-7 kinds at all times) and ate it for months. It was not wise and certainly not healthy, so I stopped after a while. Save your kids such struggles. Junk is OK as long as it is eaten in proportion.
8. Make the most of your meals at home - you never know what others add to the food, but you can guarantee that what your kids eat at home is healthy. I learned that from my mom who was a chef and told us what was added to the food to make it last longer and look better at restaurants and food factories.
9. Find a fresh food market and buy your family's food there - if the refrigerator is full of fruits and vegetables, the whole family will eat more fruits and vegetables. Take your kids shopping with you, teach them how to choose good food, let them pick their favorites and get them to wash and store the produce so they feel part of the process.
10. If you do not buy it, your kids will not eat it - if you do not want your kids to eat something, do not buy it. By the time they have enough money to do their own shopping, they will have healthy eating habits that will stop them buying junk even if they can afford it.

Come back next week for Ronit's Parenting Bible rules on babies.

Happy parenting!
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Raise Food-Smart Kids
• The "Light Thinking" Diet
• Don’t eat and run

I had this conversation with a friend of mine who is a health fanatic. You may ask yourself what a "health fanatic" is and my answer is that it is someone who is very conscious about health, but so conscious it is not healthy…

I became health conscious when my daughter Eden was 18 months old and a very sick girl and only a change in our eating habits brought her breathing back to normal and made her a healthy girl again. Since then, she has hardly ever gotten sick (and she is 21 years old now).

Do not get me wrong, I think that eating healthy is beneficial. However, as a life coach, I totally reject the idea of creating fear in kids' mind about the dangers of junk food because "we are what we eat". Instead, I believe that "we are what we think" (about eating, among other things). I think it is more damaging to think that our food is an enemy than to eat junk food and be happy. I am not a junk-eater myself, but I think that junk food can provide something good for the soul that no healthy food can (freedom of choice, good taste, instant satisfaction, etc).

Anyway, I had this discussion with my friend and she brought up the topic to convince her three kids to eat healthy food. I think she thought that because we were a fruits-and-vegetables kind of family and I preferred healthy food I would back her up and support her argument, so she asked for my opinion. It was very hard for me to do it, but I could not tell a lie (especially not in front of my own kids) so that question backfired on her.

I am telling you this because I think that if you are not careful, you will have that conversation with your kids one day and it is better to be prepared.

She said to me, "Look around you. There are more sick people than there ever were. The food we are eating is not nutritious enough. There is too much antibiotics in meat, too much processed food and too much cancer. People are dying because of extra use of chemicals in their life. What's your opinion?"

I had to make a decision on the spot. I knew she wanted me to support her for her kids to recognize it as something "all mothers think", not just her being fanatic. The problem was that it was just her being fanatic.

I said, "Really?! I am looking around and I'll tell you what I see. My dad is 77 years old and he is a pretty healthy person. My mom is 71 years old and loves doctors and medication. 6 years ago, she came to visit us and we travelled around the North Island of New Zealand for 12 days. We spent most of the day on our feet and even trekked (with then 3-year-old Noff) for about 6 hours. My mom did very well and she was 65 then. My dad did even better than she did and he was 72 years old. I am looking around and what I see is that those sick people who eat junk, food that is not nutritious enough, consume too much antibiotics with their meat and gobble up cancer-inducing processed food, those people live longer".

Ouch!

Before you think I am crazy, here are the facts:

• In Australia
  • Life expectancy in 1965 was 69.70
  • Life expectancy in 1985 was 75.63
  • Life expectancy in 1995 was 77.08
  • Life expectancy in 2005 was 80.63
  • Life expectancy in 2010 was 81.50
• · In the USA
  • Life expectancy in 1965 was 70.21
  • Life expectancy in 1895 was 74.56
  • Life expectancy in 1995 was 75.62
  • Life expectancy in 2005 was 77.71
  • Life expectancy in 2010 was 78.30

(Source: NationMaster)

I hope you see how increasing this is.

My question to my friend was, "How come when we had little or no technology, we did not pollute the air and the water, we did not 'abuse' the soil and take all the nutrients out of it, we lived less?"

In the past, people lived very short lives. Mothers died often while giving birth. In 1900, men lived to 48.3 years of age on average and women to 46.3. They died from a simple flu because someone sneezed next to them (penicillin was only invented/discovered in 1928) and by the age of 30, most of them had no teeth!

In 1950, only 50 years later, people could see their grandkids already, because males lived to 71.1 and women lived to 65.6. Babies still died at birth without their mothers drinking processed milk and eating at MacDonald's and every tumor was a death sentence.

(Source: Life expectancy in the USA)

If you want a great visual representation of the changes in life expectancy (and other things) through the years, check out this interactive map (switch the X axis to "Time", select your country and click "Play").

This is the life expectancy around the world in 1800 (only 210 years ago):

People all around the world died between 25 and 40 years old on average.

This is the life expectancy in 1960 (only 50 years ago):

People in some countries (USA, Europe) did much better than others (Asia, Africa).

This is the life expectancy in 2009 (last year):

200 years ago, there were countries with less than 40 years life expectancy and now there is no country with less than 40. In fact, other than African countries and Afghanistan (mainly due to wars), the life expectancy in the world is higher than 60 year! The Chinese (the big red circle) climbed from 32 to 73 years (2.28 times the lifespan) in the past 50 years, while being exposed to junk food, fast life and Western technology.

I suggest you do not try my friend's trick on your kids. They are computer savvy and they will you out in a flash.

I believe it is the food we eat that makes our kids strong and healthy and allows them to live long enough to go to university, learn science and technology and innovate to make food more useful to the body, so their kids will grow to be strong and healthy and smart and start studying at universities even later (maybe only when they are 40 years old) and have some life experience before they innovate and find ways to increase life expectancy even more…

I do not know about you, but I think I will go for some junk food tonight…

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The "Light Thinking" Diet
• Supplement Your Life
• In Excess

Well, last week, 16-year-old Abby Sunderland was feared lost in the Indian Ocean while sailing around the world. She set off two emergency beacons from about 3,600 kilometers off the coast of Western Australia after her yacht was knocked over in huge seas and its mast was broken.

Before Ronit and I had a chance to calm down from hearing this (because, after all, the majority of kids do not sail around the world), we happened to watch a TV piece on top models' body image, eating habits and self-inflicted damages.

Top model Jessica Gomes (24) said the pressure on models to be slim was enormous and that models are afraid to miss out on work opportunities in the highly competitive fashion industry, so they use some excessive methods to keep themselves trim. She said models run for days on a mix of lemon juice and maple syrup, which also "cleanses". To keep their energy up and be able to work, they drink coffee and use Cocaine.

The article mentioned Ana Carolina Reston (on the right), a famous Brazilian model who died from Anorexia at the age of 21, weighing 40kg (88lbs). Her mother told the press Ana had eaten nothing but apples and tomatoes for 2 months before she died.

Although the article did a very good job showing models who decided to eat normally and still got excellent jobs, Ronit and I were left with a very painful question:

Where are those top models' parents?

Just take a look at the pictures, will you? There is no chance the parents of any of these girls might have missed them being abnormally skinny. There is no chance those parents might have thought their girls were healthy. Healthy girls just do not look like this.

Ana Reston's mother knew what she was eating. She even told the press. If your 21-year-old daughter ate apples and tomatoes for 2 months, saying she wants to keep her weight down, would you just say, "Sure, honey, you just keep those dollars coming in?"

Eden is 21 now and we notice every mood change, let alone anything that lasts or shows up physically.

When Eden was about 15, she spent 10 days on a camp, where the food was being badly managed and the kids were not kept warm enough. She ate so little she lost 3kg by the time she came back home. I was all over her as soon as I picked her up and bombarded her with questions about what had happened during camp.

Eden did her best to downplay the problems and told me she was not really hungry and everything was fine, but in the car with us was Tsoof, who was 9 at the time and had been to the same camp in the last few days. Tsoof honestly described how he had been hungry and cold and how one of Eden's friends had been taken to the hospital with hypothermia.

It took me all of half an hour to find out EVERYTHING.

That was the last time our kids went to that camp.

The organizers have contacted us since and promised all would be well, because they had changed personnel and policies, but we give people only one chance to treat our kids badly. No second or third strikes. Just one.

Now imagine you have a good-looking girl (most models start pretty young - excuse the pun). She wins some competitions, gets some working gigs and is then picked up by a modeling agency.

Next thing you know, your daughter is whisked all over the world to exotic location, looking slimmer every time she returns, acting jumpier and feeling worse about herself. After the first time, you may put it down to the hard work, or maybe to being away from home with all those strangers. "Nothing to worry about", you think, "The agency will take good care of their investment".

But it does not stop. Whenever you get to glimpse your once bouncy, lively girl, she looks more and more like a shadow and just wants to be left alone.

Is it just top models?

But I see bigger issues here.

First, these parents become part of a powerful mechanism that uses their daughters to pump everyone else's daughters full of negative body image and desire to buy magazines, clothes and cosmetics. In essence, their neglect is our loss.

Second, most of us are not the parents of a super model and never will be. In fact, some parents only have boys. But we may just be like those top models' parents if we do not put our kids' health and wellbeing (and that includes emotional wellbeing) above all else. Whether they are star athletes, musically gifted, super smart or highly artistic, their special skills should be only second to their livelihood, energy and happiness.

Third, as consumers of the fashion advertised by those "models of starvation", we have the power to do away with this practice. We have the choice to shun magazines, advertisers and brands that use overly slim models. We can simply refuse to buy their products until they give in and show healthy people in their ads.

Fourth, as parents who need to demonstrate good values to our kids and teach them how to live well, we must show them the false image being shoved in their faces and tell them to reject it with all their might. We must ensure that when it is their turn to run the world, they will put wellbeing at the top of their priority list and recognize when it is not.

Who, me?

Are you sure you notice everything about your kids? Are you sure there is nothing that looks like it might be starting to go wrong, but you have "reasoned" it away somehow and let it slip? Just think of your kids' TV, video game and computer habits vs. their active, creative and social habits.

Think about it next time you walk in the door and maybe keep a diary of your observations for a week to see what you notice.

Are you sure the way in which you select products and services is aimed first and foremost at health and wellbeing? Do you always buy healthy food? Do you read the labels? Does your doctor treat your symptoms or you? Do you buy any magazines showing starved girls who are clearly too young to be posing like that?

Think about it next time you are at the supermarket and maybe keep a diary of your purchasing and viewing choices over a week.

We are powerful beyond measure, especially when we work together. By making better choices every day, we can help change the world for our kids' sake and reclaim it back from the money-hoarding mega corporations that run the media and fashion industries.

And if your 12-year-old daughter comes to you and says she wants to be a model, you know what to do, right?

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Anorexia: Warning Signs
• Anorexia: Exaggerated Perception
• The "Light Thinking" Diet

This morning, I had a revelation!

You see, in our family, she is the odd one out. If you ask the older kids what is the best sandwich in the world, they will say, "A multigrain roll with tomatoes, lettuce, mayonnaise, avocado and alfalfa". If you ask Noff, she will say, "Nutella (chocolate spread), Jam or Fairy Floss (Cotton Candy)".

It is scary for me as a mother to watch her eat.

"Why would you put this poison in your body?" I ask her.

"Because it tastes great", she says with gleaming eyes.

This week, we discussed food and Noff said, "I think junk is very tasty, especially if it's sweet and colorful". She is very smart and summed up her desire in one sentence - junk + sweet + colorful = great food. Everything that is sweet is good and if it has color, it is even better.

Unfortunately, she is allergic to food colors. I said to her it is unfortunate that a girl who loves colors so much (on her face, clothes, linen and even in her food) is sensitive to food colors, but her health is very important and since she wheezes after eating something with food colors, we must monitor what she eats.

This morning, Noff opened the freezer, took out frozen blueberries and ate them in the car on the way to school. Then, I had a revelation.

She ate the blueberries and was very happy and excited about their color.

"Look, Mom, when they are fresh, they are blue, but when they are frozen, they are almost purple", she said and played with a blueberry with her fingers. She was also happy to take a bite from one blueberry and discover it was white inside.

When I dropped her off at school, Noff asked me to take the empty blueberry bowl back home. "Look Mom, the whole bowl is colored purple-blue now", she said just seconds before she got out of the car, "I love blueberries".

She was very happy and I realized we did not always have blueberries in the freezer, because they are a bit on the expensive side. I usually buy them during special sales when I can find them cheaper. In our house, we eat lots of fruits and vegetables and I buy most of them at the market for a fifth of the price, so you can understand why blueberries have been rare for us.

On the way home, I stopped at the supermarket for my shopping. At our local supermarket, to make it easy for us to calculate the cost of things, they have started adding the price per 100gr at the bottom of each price tag. Blueberries cost $1.30 per 100gr, but as I passed next to the colorful candy section, where Noff would love to spend her days if I let her, I checked the prices and was shocked to discover that 100g of sweets cost $3.20 - junk for 2½ times the healthy stuff.

And I thought blueberries were expensive.

Raspberries are red,
Blueberries are blue,
Mangoes are yellow,
And I'll buy them for you

They may cost a lot,
But they're not as precious as you,
So I'll buy costly fruits
For the good that they do

I think this should be the Healthy Mother's Hymn. Don't you?

Before we say goodbye, please help build a healthy parenting community that raises healthy kids.

The 2009 Weblog Awards voting is now open. Please vote for Family Matters as the Best Parenting Blog by clicking the banner below and then clicking the next to my nomination comment to give me your vote. Every vote counts, so please vote and ask all your friends too!

Here's to raising healthy kids!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Food
• The "Light Thinking" Diet
• How to Raise Food-Smart Kids

Today, I will cover kids' personality types that are more subject to TV addiction and need a bit more care and attention.

Anti-social kids

TV creates a vicious cycle for kids who lack social skills. The more lacking they are, they more they will watch TV and their social skills will get even worse.

Some kids just have better social skills than others. They like being with other kids and polish their skills further with every interaction. However, most kids need to work on their social skills and spending time with other kids can help them improve greatly.

When I worked with young kids, I could tell within two weeks of meeting them which kids had stayed home with Mommy before they came to my center and which kids had been in some form of social environment. All I needed to do was watch them during free play time. The kids who had stayed with Mommy were clingy, did not share, did not know how to get themselves into a game, were sensitive and easily offended and insulted, came more often to ask an adult for help and spent much of their time by themselves.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know I have a lot of criticism on the education system, but I keep saying that the best mother in the world cannot give her kid what a group of 20 to 30 kids can give a kid in terms of social skills, which makes the education system the best environment for developing social skills. I have my doubts whether the education system is the best option for academic development, but I am 100% confident it is the best choice for social skills.

Kids work on their social skills from the second they realize there are other people around them and the more play time the have with other kids, the more effective they are in their social interaction.

Watching TV is even worse than being only with Mom for too long, because there is some interaction with Mom, but not with the TV. It is as simple as that - every second kids watch TV (or play computer games/X-box/Nintendo), they are missing the social interaction they need.

If your kid is not very social, the risk of him or her watching too much TV is greater.

Boys vs. girls

Boys and girls show different symptoms as a result of watching TV, because the media is targeting young male and female audiences with different shows and promotions.

Boys are easily influenced by competitions and shows that present men and boys as strong, aggressive, handy with tools, sporty and violent, while girls are easily influenced by pampering and emotional shows presenting women and girls as sentimental, sensitive, caring, teary, sexual and highly concerned about looks and figure.

If you see symptoms of aggressiveness, risk taking, machismo or chauvinism in the attitude of your boys, examine the TV influences on them.

If you notice obsession with external looks and figure, like your 9-year-old daughter talking about diet for no reason at all, be alert and check for TV influences.

"Keep me busy" kids

Some kids are drawn to the TV as an easy way to keep themselves busy and overcome boredom. This attitude of kids who have no idea how to keep themselves active and interested is easily translated into getting up in the morning and turning on the TV and coming back from school and turning on the TV. It is just an easy solution.

You can tell that kids are the "keep me busy" type when they nag you to keep them busy. I say that these kids see their parents as their "entertainment crew", just like on a cruise ship. They come to you with "I don't know what to do?", "I'm bored" or "What can I do now?"

Just like the social skills cycle, this one is also a hard cycle to get out of. You come up with ideas to keep them busy for a while, but after a while, it is just the same - they come again and their ability to come up with their own activity ideas never develops.

If your kids are the "keep me busy" type and there is TV around, they will choose this easy option of entertainment. Beware!

"One more second" kids

Some kids just know how to "steal" time from their parents by saying, "Just one more time" or "one second". These kids use this technique when asked to do their homework, come to dinner or do other things.

If you ask yourself what kind of person keeps wanting "just one more" of something, while missing out on life, you will soon realize it is an addict. Gamblers want to play just one more game for a chance to win. Drug users, alcoholics and smokers promise to quit tomorrow, in just one more day or one more hit.

But this is just a tactic to make you go away, so they can keep watching.

Addiction is when something takes away our power and controls our life. Would you like your kids' life to be controlled by an electronic device that shows them what other people want them to see?

Low academic achievers

Kids with low academic achievers find comfort in TV, because it is easy. They do not need to work hard when they watch TV.

Lately I have noticed that even my kids' school teachers bring more DVDs and movies to school to encourage the kids to learn. At my kids' school, watching a movie in class is also used as a treat or a special reward.

Kids in the special education system - with ADD, ADHD, fine motor skills problems and even behavior problems - are more likely to watch TV for comfort. I wonder sometimes whether this is not a chicken and egg situation, i.e. did these kids have problems first or did they watch TV first?

If your kid has some learning difficulties, behavior problems or low academic achievements, watch their TV habits. Every second they spend in front of the TV screen is wasted time they should be spending improving their skills.

Some kids are more easily influenced by TV than others. Check the list and see if your kid is subject to TV addiction or not.

Join me next week for parents' influence on kids' TV habits.

Until then, talk to your kids about your little survey of their TV-watching habits and find out what they think about it.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• TV Diet (10): Parents’ Influence
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.
• TV Diet (7): Learning and Education