Having a depressed family member is not easy to handle. Most of the time, the depressed person cannot admit he or she needs help and rejects any help attempt. Those around them feel helpless and drained.

Gail was very creative in her attempts to help her husband. She went to the doctor and talked to him. She tried to make him go to the doctor, without success. She got him some vitamins and he refused to take them. She arranged holidays to make him happy, but he stayed depress.

"What happened with the boys?" I asked.

"They left. For five years, we didn't have a life. Everything revolved around him. Everything we did was done to please him. He was unhappy with everything we did and with what we didn't do. We had no friends left. No one was willing to come to our house and those who dared only did it once. Every second around him was fighting and complaining, so they gave up and left".

Gail' sons were 18 and 21, both studied at university and had to support themselves. Their dad was so unhappy with their move he did not "allow" their mom to see them.

Helping a depressed person is not easy, especially when he or she is an adult. Adults must choose to accept help and we cannot force them to receive our help.

Eventually, after 5 years of trying, Gail left home.

Her moving out was very effective. Not having Gail and the boys around helped her husband understand he had a problem.

Most of our sessions were spent on managing the process of going back home. The most effective tip I gave her was to use are. I introduced her to a research about depression and art and that worked like magic.

I hope it will help you too.

A research done in Norway with over 50,000 people using blood tests, urine tests, interviews, questionnaires and clinical examinations discovered that art can successfully fight depression. "There is a positive relationship between cultural participation and self-perceived health for both women and men", says Professor Jostein Holmen.

The researches claim, "Up to now, physical activity has been recognized as a measure that promotes good health. But our study shows that other daily life activities may promote good health from a holistic point of view. The results suggest that the use of cultural activities in health promotion and health care may be justified".

The research found that people who were exposed to art feel healthier overall. If they see music concerts, painting or sculpture and visit galleries, they are healthier and happier and less depressed then others. If they make art themselves by playing a musical instrument, singing, painting, sculpting and dancing, the results were even better.

The surprising thing was the results were true for all participants, regardless of their lifestyle and socio-economic background.

Gail's husband loved carpentry. He had not dealt with the loss of his job properly and had not touched his tools since he had stopped working. When Gail came back home, she encouraged him to take is tools out and build a drawer for the living room.

Three month later, the boys came back home.

Have a happy day,
Ronit

P.S. If you ever need a reason to encourage your children to engage in artistic activities or a reason to visit a gallery or go to the theater, you know it now. Art makes you happy!

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A lot of energy and resources are given to the victims and their families nowadays. If the victims did not need that much help, it would be easier for our society to help the bullies.

My cure for bullying is a strong family. I believe we can change the picture by giving parents the strength, tools and support to help their families break the bullying cycle.

Here are some more important things parents can do.

Associate with successful parents

Most successful people will tell you that when they want to overcome some problem or reach some goal, they hang around people who already posses the knowledge and skills to achieve that. If you want to overcome your own bullying behavior or help your kids with some other bully, hang around people who are successful at parenting and use them as role models. You can recognize them by their confident, social and accomplished children.

It may sound simple, but it takes courage to hang around people you want to use as role models, because you first need to accept that they are successful without being jealous of them. Jealousy prevents you from recognizing things you can copy, because it blinds you.

Another problem you need to overcome is that usually, successful people hang around with other successful people and they may not be willing to hang around you. You need to find something that you can contribute to the relationship in order to feel comfortable around them, at least until you have learned enough.

Generally, hanging around people who are better than you at something is a good personal development strategy. You can always learn from them and improve. Instead of re-inventing the wheel, you can ask them about their experience. Usually, you will find that they have gone through rough patches and they can save you making mistakes on your own.

Be willing to listen and learn from them. Again, you can find those parents through their kids. Confident, successful, well-mannered and talented kids must grow up with parents who support and encourage these attributes.

If you hear yourself saying, "All the kids are the same. They probably all face the same problems", you are blocking yourself from improving. It is not true. Not all kids are the same and do not ever accept bullying as "just the way things are".

Defend your kids

Whether you are going through bullying or your kids experience bullying, you both need support. Most kids and grownups never seek help from outside the family, because they feel threatened and unsafe, but they can help each other.

You must build trust with your kids so they will know you are their support in times of trouble. Most bullying acts stop when a grownup intervenes, but kids must tell a grownup for that to happen. You want your kids to tell you something has happened as soon as it starts, long before it gets out of proportion, so you must be a trusted person they can tell and feel safe with.

Parents who are bullies themselves are not trustworthy in their kids' eyes. Some of them are so weak that if the child tells them of a problem, they will use it against the child and blame them for everything that has happened to them.

I never went to my parents for help, because they felt so weak when authority was involved (like a teacher or the principal) that whenever I asked for help, they blamed me or asked me to give up, so they would not "get into trouble". In my parents' home, this type of incident happened with almost all of the kids.

For example, my older sister, who was the smartest girl in her school, came to my parents and asked for help, saying a teacher had given her a lower grade than she deserved. They said, "The teacher is always right", and told her she was making a big fuss out of it. But my sister was so strong at school (she was head of the student council) that she talked to the teacher and when that did not help, she declared she was not coming to school until her report card was fixed. After 3 days at home, the principal of the high school himself asked her to come and made sure her report card was fixed.

When the same thing happened to me, my parents did the same thing again, but I did not have my sister's confidence and gave up. When it happened to my younger sisters, my parents blamed them for it and said again, saying the teacher knows what she is doing and did not do anything to defend them or help them, but I did.

Every time we had a problem with the neighbors, my parents also justified them and blamed us, so none of us trusted them with our personal problems. They were so weak, we never expected them to step in and defend us when we needed protection.

I am not saying that parents must take their kids' side all the time, but they always need to help them and be by their side. Kids sometimes have unjustified complaints, but if they do it once, twice, three times, ten times and they always get the blame, they will stop coming to you.

If you want your children to trust you, you must show them you are there for them. They are your kids even when they make mistakes. They must know that you will be there for them when something bad happens.

Have family goals

A strong family bond can be a great healer for many problems in life. It can help you as a parent and each member of the family to feel that you belong and to build strength and confidence. Having common goals as a family is a great way to build this bond, because it makes up a good topic of conversation and helps each person learn about the others. Family goals can be housekeeping goals, special family projects, financial goals, vacation goals and leisure or hobby goals. Some goals can even be about helping one member of the family achieve something.

The important thing in every goal is to make sure everyone takes part and everyone can see how they benefit from participating. Sometimes, participation means getting more attention. Sometimes, participation means the joy of making another family member happy and feeling kind. Sometimes, participation means being able to take part in the reward. It is always important to attach a family reward to every goal - a form of celebration that everyone takes part in - so that everyone can stay focused on the outcome.

If you are the bully in the family, letting go of your desires and working on family goals can help you to be flexible and accommodating towards others while gaining something for yourself.

This technique is not always easy and smooth, because there is a chance that some family members will be grumpy and selfish and will not want to join in. The best thing you can do is make sure you have enough participants and have lots of fun with the goal so that the other person will feel left out. A sense of belonging is very important to everyone and if they recognize they are missing out, they will eventually join in.

Build a family team

This is the next step up from having family goals. If you look at families that are close to each other and support each other well, you can see that they somehow work as a team. You can overcome many challenges as a group rather than facing them on your own.

Of course, every team requires a leader. It is the parents' responsibility to build the family team and function as the "leaders", because they have the most experience and can see the "big picture" of life. Your team can be built around a challenge, a reward and naturally, when the members of the team find an advantage in working together on your own, rather than doing it because you want to.

Challenges that influence every member of the team can help both parents and children compromise, be flexible and show sensitivity towards each other. When you are part of a team, work together and have a bond with your family, you strongly believe in "All for one and one for all". If your family is your "A Team" and you know they will be there for you, it gives you so much confidence that you can easily handle many bullies around you.

My kids are such good siblings to each other and they speak so highly of each other that they draw a lot of energy and support from each other. Whenever they face challenges, they know they are not alone and their siblings are there for them.

The difficulties with building a team are typically when there are conflicts between the two leaders of the household and there is no clear direction. Amazingly, single parents can do a better job at building a home team, because the conflict between the parents is not an obstacle they have to overcome.

Not all parents are natural leaders, but every team must have a leader, so it is necessary that someone takes charge and leads for family. If you communicate well with your partner and you can do it together, great! If not, choose the parent who is the more natural leader and let him or her lead the family team. The leader needs to be organized, relaxed, with good social skills to identify different needs, flexible and a good communicator.

Change places!

Sometimes, bullying can drive people to do horrible things. There are horrible stories of bullying victims who commit suicide or do other things that ruin their life and the lives of their families. In extreme situations, extreme measures are required. If the bullying towards you or your child is getting out of control, make that courageous act of changing your life. Change your place of work, change the kids' school and even moving to a different city, state or country.

Every parent who has lost a child because of bullying will tell you that given another chance, they would moved to a new environment to keep the child away from those people who dragged them to suicide.

I personally know people whose kids went through life-threatening situation before they realized they needed to take them out of that school. A kid I taught over 10 years ago got into trouble with a gang and was targeted as a snitch by the school authority. Only after he was brutally injured by the gang did his parents take him out of that school. He was afraid to leave home for 4 months after that. He never finished his studies and even now, a year later, when he goes to a shopping center, he only goes with other kids. The thought of him changing schools in the middle of the year was so hard for his parents they risked his life. He is lucky to be alive.

I also know people who were strong and courageous enough to give up lots of stability and change their workplaces just to be around their kids and help them. Changing a school, changing a workplace and moving to a new environment can work miracles. It is not the end of the world and it may be the difference between ruining your life and starting a new life.

If you are the bully, it usually means you have a bully that you need to stay away from. Be courageous and stay away from your bully. Sometimes, the bully can be (one of) your own parents, but you do not have to live next door to them. Sometimes, the bully is a friend or a work colleague. Go! It is not giving up. It is eliminating the stressor from your life. Trying to change the bully or make them suffer might cost you too much, a lot more than moving.

Join me next week for the more anti-bullying personal development tips.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Bullying (32): How to stop parent bullying
• Bullying (34): How to stop parent bullying
• Bullying (27): How to stop parent bullying

Parents as Role Models

The next 10 tips (this post and the next one) focus on the concept of role modeling. Raising strong kids with confidence so they will not become victims of bullying, not even from you, requires courage, self-awareness and self-control. If your kids see you fighting back and strengthening your confidence, they will think this is the norm.

Take responsibility

It is not easy for people to take responsibly over their life, because taking responsibility requires courage and practice, but when we are weak, our courage is hidden and even if our mind tells us we need to do something, we just cannot.

Whenever things are hard and we think we cannot handle them, we tend to blame others or circumstances for whatever happens in our life that we are unhappy about. When we blame, we say that it happens because of someone else - my mom, my kids, my husband or the dog. When we cannot handle the circumstances, we use them to justify ourselves. Justification and blaming are the two survival techniques that kick in when we feel too weak to handle a situation, but when they are "switched on", responsibility is "switched off".

Bullies mark you as a victim the minute you start justifying or blaming, because these are obvious signs of weakness. It is like walking around with a sign saying, "I am weak. I am a victim. Come bully me", regardless of who the bully might be.

Responsibility helps strengthen your confidence and make sure your blaming and justifying buttons are switched off, so notice when you are justifying or blaming, stop yourself and rephrase.

For example, instead of saying, "You make me mad", you can say, "I feel mad" (please do not say, "I am mad", because that is labeling yourself). Instead of saying, "I could not have a career because of the kids", you can say in a very responsible way, "I had kids and chose to put them ahead of my career at the time".

Even when you tell bully stories, instead of saying, "The boss was rude to me", you can say, "I felt his behavior was rude", because you do not know the boss was being rude. That was your interpretation - reasonable, but still an interpretation.

Whenever you are angry with someone, change your language from "You did this to me" to "I interpreted it as…" or "I felt…" At the same time, be very careful not to confuse responsibly with taking blame. Blaming others damages your self-esteem, but blaming yourself is even worse.

Manage your finances well

Financial challenges are a big reason for bullying. We live in a very materialistic society and when parents feel they do not have enough resources, they appear weak. The problem is not only that they are perceived weak but that they feel weak and inferior when around those who are wealthier. You can see it with kids' gadgets and clothes at school. Grownups are no different - they continually compare themselves to others and that does not help.

People who do not have money must compromise a lot. They compromise on the types of jobs they can do, on working in a bullying environment, on the quality of their relationships, on their location and on many other things, because they do not really have a choice.

Managing your financial situation ought to be taught at school or by your parents at home. My dad was never a wealthy person, but he took himself out of poverty to being financially stable with his skills in money management and I learned a lot from him. However, not everyone is lucky enough to be born in a family where someone is a role model for good financial management.

Still, you can develop this skill. Having enough money to survive, having financial stability and achieving financial freedom are on a scale and you can learn to move from each step to the next to keep bullies away from you.

Be financially stable and you will have to compromise less because you will have more choices. See my Happily Wealthy Family series for more.

Read about personal development

Personal development is a process that never ends. Even when you think you have reached the top of your success and everything is going smoothly, there is more to learn and more develop. Bullies are people who have not developed enough to understand that power is not something you gain by making someone else feel bad but by developing yourself. Personal development is the art of finding strength within, as most of it is self-discovery.

Personal development gurus will tell you that you have all the power inside of you and you only need to realize it. There is something wonderful in this discovery. There is much understanding and acceptance, forgiveness and love, not to mention the extreme power you feel when you know you can control your feelings, thoughts and actions. Personal development can be learned and to do that, there are endless personal development articles you can read and audio CDs to listen to in your car. At any time, you could be working on something you want to develop. Personal development builds confidence and, as I said, confidence repels bullies.

If you want, you can do that exercise:

1. Rate your confidence right now
2. Write 50 things that need to happen for you to feel more confident
3. Pick the responsible things (things you have the power to do, as opposed to things you cannot control, like winning the lottery, your wife throwing you a surprise party, etc) and write them down as goals to achieve
4. Start executing your list

If you go through that activity from time to time, you will find you have progressed and have built your confidence over time. You will also notice how other people's attitude towards you has changed and bullying, if any, has gone down.

You are not a victim!

A big problem of bullies is that they feel bullied somehow, being victims of others they perceive as more powerful in some way. This powerless feeling makes them try to gain this power in a dysfunctional and destructive way. If you talk to bullies, you will hear from them that they are victims and that they have not done anything to deserve the negative actions and attitude towards them. It is as if they are disconnected their behavior from the attitude of others towards them.

It is true that sometimes you will be picked as a bullying victim not because you have done anything wrong but just because you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and the bully felt threatened somehow or found you weak in some way, but it is never permanent. It can be changed.

Being bullied is sometimes devastating, but there is something you must keep in mind: it is not done against you. Bullies pick whomever they can. They do not do it against you but to gain something for themselves. If there was anyone else around, they would have picked the easiest target.

People with a victim mentality ("Everyone is against me", "No one likes me", "They all hate me", "They never invite me", "I'm a loser", "I'm no good" or "What could I do?") are easy targets.

You are not a victim!

No one is born a victim and has a label on their forehead that says, "Come bully me". The victim mentality puts that label on your forehead, so find your victim thoughts and erase them. The way to do it is to find one example where it is not true. For example, if you have the thought, "Everyone hates me", find one example where it is not true ("My parents love me", "My wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend loves me", "My kids love me", "My brother/sister/friends/teammates like me") and never say it to yourself (or anyone else) again.

Parents who have a victim mentality pass it to their kids in their daily interactions and risk their kids having the victim mentality too. Remember, victims attract bullies. Keep them away from your family by eliminating victim thoughts and feelings.

Notice when you are depressed

Depression is a general state of weakness and lack of motivation and energy and it makes people very weak in their interactions with others. Depression is a very vulnerable state and everyone feels depressed from time to time.

It is very important to distinguish between episodes or short periods of tiredness, disappointment and sadness and full-blown depression, but still, it is important to make a point and recognize when it starts to make sure it does not last long.

When people are depressed, their physical strength and motivation deteriorate and their thinking is distorted. It can affect their functions at work and at home. Depressed parents' performance often drops and that can be used easily by a bully as a weakness. At home, the drop in depressed parents' functionality creates extra load on the family and makes it harder for them to notice when their children need help, like when they are in a bullying situation that requires intervention.

Depression is a very debilitating state and working out the issues when they are "small" is easier than working them out when there is a pile of issues that need addressing. Parents must find the things they do when they feel down and use them as warning signs. For example, some people eat like crazy when they are depressed or they eat a lot of chocolate. If this is the case, notice how many pieces of the chocolate you have eaten and make a rule that if you have finished a whole pack in one go (yikes!), you need help. Some people have good techniques to get out of a depression, which is really great, because it means they notice they are depressed and do something immediately to change it. For example, go to the movies, call a friend, cook, do some art, play music or watch comedy. Find one of those techniques and force yourself to get out of depression.

Depressed parents are not much help to their kids who needs help. Make sure you notice when you are there.

Join me next week for the next 5 personal development tips to stop the bully parent.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Bullying (33): How to stop parent bullying
• Bullying (34): How to stop parent bullying
• Bullying (27): How to stop parent bullying

As always, Ronit was introduced to the participants warmly by Derek Brady, the principal of the school. When he was done, I asked him to say a few words about his experiences with Ronit and particularly the results his school was getting out of them. I have put his answers below in text and video, but saved you the agony of my own voice, which hardly came out (I was pretty sick).

Background

Mental health is a big concern in Australia, especially depression and particularly in young people. The Commonwealth Government recognizes this problem and has started, among other things, a program called Kids Matter, which guides schools in discovering, analyzing and solving any mental health problems.

Derek is a great believer in emotional intelligence, so Upper Mount Gravatt State School is getting the most out of working with Kids Matter. In fact, the school has done so well is has won awards for leadership in mental health for the past 2 years.

But Kids Matter only provides the framework and incentives for focusing on mental health. The school still has to choose good services and good providers to make real impact and Derek has chosen Ronit to run Happy Parents Raise Happy Kids and Happy Teachers - Happy Students.

Having a life coach attached to your school as a school partner has huge implications

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

Q: Why did you engage Ronit in the first place?

Derek: Being part of Kids Matter and focusing on mental health, we saw a real need for that to be across the whole school and Ronit's influence is in all of that stuff. We've already had 100% of our staff trained in Be Happy in LIFE coaching. We've also had 60 parents trained. That has huge impact, because it creates "spin-offs" - the common language we're using through the school, it's just helping with the wellbeing and, ultimately, the learning outcomes.

Q: What are the main benefits you see out of Ronit's involvement?

Derek: The main improvement I see is the behavior of our children. I haven't had a suspension in 4 years, there's no Detention room, the attitude of the kids, there's a real happiness around the school, kids really vibrant, bouncing around. I see kids handling issues and being more resilient. I see families using common language and staff using the same language and having a positive mindset and approaching things from a very positive angle.

Q: Are there any specific comments you can share with us from parent's feedback?

Derek: They just love the workshops. They come away feeling inspired. I had my P&C (Parents and Citizens - PTA) President last year come up to me and say "My husband has to do this. We need to work at things and we can be a happier family if we do this". People have come up to me and said their kids are doing better because of that. Teachers have said "I had an issue in class, but I thought about the Pink Elephants or about the way I can approach this staying calm" and it has really helped them in their day-to-day dealings with kids and in their own lives.

Q: Can you share something about how the workshops have affected your own life?

Derek: I'd love to. In my family, I knew there were a few blockers happening with my daughter. I remember this little activity we do, called the "I believe in you" letter, and I remember after the workshop, I emailed my daughter and told her how much I loved her and how much I believed in her and that was the catalyst to change some of the things that followed from there. I think I realized then that you can't change your children, you can't create a perfect world, but you can do is share how you really feel and share how much you care about them, so that was one of the real winners for me. 12 months down the track since doing the course, I feel that relationship building and getting stronger and stronger, so it's definitely helped us as a family.

Q: How would you describe Ronit as a presenter?

Derek: She's really interesting. She's got this really zany way of putting things. You can sit and listen to her for hours and she just brings things from a different angle that you haven't thought of. She doesn't preach at you - it's not one of these courses where you get told how to be a better parent - she gets to be focus on how to be happy. She's also very flexible - she allowed you to be different and do things in the way that you want to engage.

Q: What would you tell other school principals?

Derek: I would be advising them to think about how they can use someone like Ronit Baras. I think having a life coach attached to your school as a school partner has huge implications. It builds up capacities in the family community, parents are on the same page as the school and life coaching really helps people grow and see how mental health positions their kids to do well academically. At the end of the day, I want better results. I want learning outcomes to be high - that's academic outcomes - and by focusing on the mental health of my whole entire community, that's where you can do it. And Ronit can help!

So what is Derek Brady saying here?

He is saying that parents make a major difference to their kids and that when parents learn to be happy, EVERYTHING works better - the kids are happy, their academic performance improves, the teachers like them more (which makes everything even better) and the school can spend more time and resources on fun stuff (which makes everything better again).

He is saying you should talk to your school principal, wherever you are, tell them about the awesome benefits of creating a happy community around the school, including staff, parents and kids, and send them to The Motivational Speaker.

And if your school does not run parenting workshops and you live in the Brisbane area, register for our parenting workshop on Sunday, 25 July 2010, at the Southern Cross Sports Club on Klumpp Road, Upper Mt Gravatt and improve the life of your kids, partner and, most importantly, your own.

Happy parenting,
Gal

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I looked at Nicole and the kids. It is just an irony that when you feel you need lots of strength to survive the heartache in your life, worse things happen and change the whole picture. They stood there carrying a burden that I sometimes wonder if time can heal.

The dead are always at peace. It is the other people who remain to suffer their absence. The members of the Lance Family were left to suffer the shame, the guilt and the secret.

A week before, 45-year-old Bryan hung himself in his garage.

There is something selfish in suicide. If he could imagine this scene seconds before he pushed the ladder underneath him, he would never have done it. "It was a split second of insanity", I tried to convince myself when I heard how he had died. He did not plan it, he did not leave any letter and he did not make any special arrangements. He just looked for a way to hide himself from the shame and the pain he had caused his family for two years and the solution he had found was to drag them to the dark side of life with him.

I chanted the serenity prayer, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference".

I have been to funerals before. There is an energy of devastation in the air and everyone prays inside for some sense and comfort. Death does not make sense and suicide cannot bring comfort to anyone.

15-years-old Jane had a frightened look on her face. Her dad had hung himself after having a big argument with her. She never forgave him for what he had done to her and now she will never forgive herself for pushing him to the edge.

A couple of months ago, she sat on my balcony for a session and said her whole world had collapsed when she discovered her wonderful family had been a total lie, because dad had had an affair with another woman. She used the word "shattered" many times, yet expressed no desire to pick up the pieces.

When Bryan sat on my balcony to try and sort out the life he blamed himself for ruining, he expressed many concerns for Jane's wellbeing. I never knew he was worried about her hurting herself, because he had tried to hang himself 5 times since the affair and had failed.

How ironic it is you cannot enjoy the success of killing yourself

During the past year and a half, every member of the Lance family sat on my balcony. Missy Higgins' song "The special two" was on my mind the whole time I coached them. They were all tormented inside, trying to bring back time and change the past.

I worked with them on leaving the past where it belonged - far away behind them - and allow it to fade, yet Bryan made sure the past would always be present. Every time he came for his coaching session, he looked for a way to go back in time and change that one mistake he had made.

Who would have thought that one mistake, just one mistake can be so devastating for the rest of the lives of so many people around him?

Missy Higgins wrote a song about the pain people put themselves through when they cheat on their loved one. She said, "Well I guess the answer is 'Don't do it in the first place'". Bryan said the same thing and refused to forgive himself.

I looked at them at the funeral home and could understand why death seemed such a relief. When others do not forgive you, you can keep away from them to find peace, but if you cannot forgive yourself, you need to be out of your mind.

His daughter had said to me he was a "loser". She was a teenager whose life was shattered, who had to hide a terrible secret from everyone she knew, because all her friends' parents were her parents' friends. I guess "loser" is an understatement of what she had felt towards him.

Most of the participants in Bryan's funeral only knew he had been using antidepressants for a while and had been under lots of stress with his job and the house. I examined their faces and only about 10 of them carried the truth. I wondered how many of them were examining my face.

24 years ago, I had to submit a research project on comparing special education professionals, social workers and psychologists' personality traits and their ability to survive the emotional drainage of therapy and working with people living on the edge. It is inevitable in these professions to meet someone who finds death more appealing than life.

As I stood there on Friday, I asked myself, "What am I grateful for?" This is my way of dealing with pain. I knew I have been very lucky to work for 24 years with so many clients without attending their funerals. My luck had just ended. On Friday, at the funeral home, Bryan's death was my "acceptance ceremony" into the "club" of therapists whose clients have decided to give up.

As I said goodbye, among the painful silence torn with pain of cries, I could imagine Missy Higgins singing (lyrics below):

Take good care of yourself, because you ARE worth it!
Ronit

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Someone very close to us lost her son to teen suicide. Her son was 18 years old, a great kid who took his dad's gun one day, sat in his parents' car in a park and shot himself to death.

He is gone and is probably not suffering anymore, but a whole family he left behind is still picking up the pieces of their shattered life and cannot find comfort.

I am writing to you because I pray you never have to be in the same position.

Burying your own child is the most painful thing for every parent. I once went behind a small coffin and the scar never healed.

Suicide among teens (15-24 years old) is a big problem around the world. In Australia alone, more than 400 young people kill themselves every year! 400 families and thousands of people are left behind, asking themselves over and over again

What could I have done to prevent it?

The teen years are tough, mainly because the shift from being a kid to being an independent adult is complicated and hard. Too many expectations at school or at home create lots of confusion and stress.

When I was gathering information for my book Be Special, Be yourself for Teenagers, I found out that from teens' point of view, parents are the biggest stressors in their life. The strongest feelings teens have are that they are alone, helpless and unable to find a way out of their situation.

Teens at risk of committing suicide

Although it is hard to pin point the reasons for teen suicide, it seems that living is more painful for suicidal teens than dying. After they have committed suicide, it is too late to help them, but we can (and should) identify teens at risk and give them the tools to find hope.

Here are the types of teens who are at a higher risk of committing suicide:

• Teens who have already made a suicide attempt.
• Teens having relationship problems with family and friends - these relationships are very demanding for teens and the difficulties may seem unbearable to them.
• Depressed teens - although everyone feels depressed from time to time, feeling down for more than 3 months is a sign that something is wrong. If a teen you know is showing any of the following signs, he/she may need help:
  • Lost interest in daily activities
  • Stopped enjoying things he/she used to enjoy
  • Expresses negative thoughts about himself/herself
  • Shows a sudden change in weight or in sleeping pattern
• Teens with significant mood swings - some mood swings are normal and related to hormonal changes, but stay tuned and if you feel they are too big, seek help.
• Teens who drink alcohol - if you think your teen is overusing alcohol, if it clutters his/her decision making and makes him/her do risky things, get them help! Also, alcohol is a depressant (see above).
• Teens who take drugs - learn about the symptoms of drug use to allow you to find out if your teen is using them and get them help if they do. Some drugs are depressants and some have a depressing after effect (see above). Being on and off drugs can cause severe mood swings (see above).
• Teens from dysfunctional families - although this is not a 100% accurate, teens who are exposed to the following things are more at risk of committing suicide than others:
  • Domestic violence
  • Abusive relationships in the family
  • Overprotective or extremely restrictive parents
• Teen with mental illnesses, such as Schizophrenia.
• Teens who fail at school.
• Teens living in an environment of chronic unemployment and lack of direction and purpose.
• Teens who are confused about their sexuality - they find themselves alone and unable to express their thoughts and feelings more than other teens. Many times, they are also teased and even abused for being different.
• Sexually abused teens.
• Grieving teens - the loss of someone close during the teen years can become far more significant than any other time. This is especially true when the person lost was the teen's role model in life.
• Traumatized teens - teens who have experienced war, persecution or any other forms of trauma may feel helpless and weak and are at a higher risk of committing suicide.

Helping teens to choose life

I am sure many teens go through tough times (I have written about some of them), but most of them find ways to fight the thought of suicide if they have the right person to help them out of "the dark place". Parents, teachers, close family member and friends can be a flashlight to light the darkness.

In this blog, you can find hundreds of ideas and practical tips to make sure your teens will not go down the suicide path, a path they cannot return from. But you do not need hundreds of tips. Here are 10 guidelines that will give you tremendous power as a parent in helping your teens to choose life:

1. Focus on building self esteem. Kids with high self esteem are likely to overcome difficulties in life and pass through their teen years in the most fun and enjoyable way.
2. Teach teens from as early as 2-3 years old to cope with problems not by presenting problems to them but by being with them and escorting them as they solve their problems. Every time they have a problem, tell them "You are so good at solving problems" to minimize the feeling of helplessness and develop their belief in their own resourcefulness.
3. Work on your kids' communication with you from as early as 4 or 5 years old. Encourage your kids to tell you everything. Even if it is something you hate to hear, say "I appreciate your honesty" and "I'm happy you've told me". As long as you still have good communication with your teen, you are likely to know when something goes wrong.
4. Guide your teen without using any force. Many teens are afraid of their parents' reactions to things they have done and this makes them do silly things to avoid this reaction. See yourself as a guide not a judge. Many teens think their parents do not listen to them, so always listen to what your teen has to say before commenting on it.
5. Create a supportive family atmosphere, where everyone helps one another, cares for one another and backs one another up. This will give your teens the feeling they are not alone and they can always ask for help, because a brother, a sister, Mom or Dad will be there to help.

   

6. Spend quality time with your teens beyond family gatherings. From time to time, take a day off and spend it with them, if you have to. The more good time your teens spend with you, the less likely they are to have problems and the more likely you are to notice when something is wrong.
7. Be involved in your teens' life. The more you know about their friends, their pressures, their school work, their hobbies and their work, the more you can notice when something is out of order. Discuss with your teens what privacy means and try to get involved without invading their privacy.
8. Try to support your teens when they face difficult situations, like exams, trouble with friends, romantic breakups, encounters with the police or finding and keeping employment. Always be empathetic to their problems. Do not say "It's nothing" or "No big deal". For them, it is a big deal and you need to respect that. Listen, ask how you can help and do the best from there.
9. Give your teens stability. Make sure you are around. Be a role model for good relationships. Have a stable income. Have a reasonable routine in life and avoid too many changes when teens go through tough times.
10. If your family is going through tough times, like separation, divorce or grief, it is a stressful time for you too and your ability to help your teen may be limited. Seek external (professional) help for your teen (and yourself).

May we all have happy, healthy and successful teens. Amen!

Happy parenting!
Ronit

Prevent Teen Suicide Here is a great and easy way to make your teens feel you are there for them: give them a copy of my book "Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers"

You may want to read

• More Control – Less Power
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• A Question of Identity

In the Make a List series, I have written about the importance of knowing myself and presenting my identity to the rest of the world. I have written about the importance of friends in our life and how they have contributed to who we are today. I have written about why it is important to have long-term goals and desires and to plant self-fulfilling prophecies in our mind. Today, I want to tell you why appreciation and gratitude are important skills that we need to practice-every day (yes, every day)!

Gratitude is another name for "positive focus". Everything that happens to us or does not happen to us has its advantages and disadvantages. The question is which side we choose to notice. Our focus determines how we experience life.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity… It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow

- Melodie Beattie

One of my clients, Lina, experienced depression and panic attacks related to OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). For 2-3 days at a time, she would experience a panic attack that overwhelmed her whole life. As we worked out the way to handle the situation, Line agreed with her doctor to come and see the doctor at the first sign of panic. Later, she came to me for a coaching session and talked about it again as the end of the world, looking even more depressed.

"How often does it happen?" I asked Lina.

She stopped, thought about it and said, "Every 2-3 months".

"How long does it last?" I asked her.

She stopped, thought about it and said, "2 days, 3 at most".

"Is it the same for 3 days?" I asked. Line stopped, thought about it and said, "No, the first day is the worst, but if I go to see my doctor, I feel much better afterwards. Only if it happens on the weekend and I see her the day after, then it drags for 3 days".

"OK, so in the last year, how many days have you had these panic attacks?" I asked.

She thought about it and said, "It's happened to me 5 times last year".

"5 times for a total of how many days?" I asked her.

She thought about it for a while and said, "About 8 days, maybe 10".

"So you're telling me that for 10 days every year, you can't function and you feel so sick you must see your doctor, right? OK. What happens in the other 355 days?"

You see, Lina was feeling so bad on those 10 days she did not paid attention to the other 355 days, in which she had a great time at work, pride in her kids, new and exciting relationships, exhilarating travel and joy with her extended family. Lina needed to focus on the things she was happy about.

In order to do that, I asked her to write 100 things she was happy about and she never looked back!

Gratitude is a constant reminder that even if we do not get everything we want, most of our life is worth celebrating. Gratitude is an excellent way to shift our focus from the bad to the good in life. Unfortunately, many people develop the appreciation only after some sort of trauma - death, loss, accident, etc.

Do not wait for a trauma. Make your gratitude list today and live happily ever after.

The song Affirmation by Savage Garden says it in a beautiful way:

How to list "100 things I am happy about"

• Print the list from the Be Happy in life site (it is free and makes life much easier)
• Go over your daily routine and imagine how life would be without having your vital organs - eyes, ears, legs, etc. I promise you can find over 100 things you can be grateful for.
• Whenever you meet a sick person, be happy you are healthy!
• Write a list of things in your past you are happy about. I am very happy I met Gal. I am very happy we travelled the world together.
• Add to the list the things you are like about your partner. I am very happy Gal is my boyfriend. I am very happy he is the father of my kids.
• Add the things you are happy about regarding your kids. If you are a regular reader of this blog, you should have more than 100 things already in this category alone.
• Add to the list things you are happy about regarding your extended family: parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents and other family members. One of my cousins was my best friends for many years. A family fight destroyed our relationship (it was ugly and had nothing to do with either of us) and we did not see each other for over 20 years, but she is still on my list. I am grateful for having had her as a best friend for 16 years. I am grateful for the sleepovers, for the trips and for the family gatherings we spent together. Six years ago, I contacted her again and last year, I went to visit her. Thanks to my list, I only had the good memories and the love we had for each other on my mind and it was awesome.
• List your gratitude for people you have met during your life.
• Write your gratitude for your talents and abilities.
• Think of gratitude you have for some of your decisions in life - the things you chose to do, as well as the choices not to do things that would have ended badly.
• List possessions you have that you are happy about. Since we moved around the world for several years, we rented our homes and every time we left, we had problems with the owner or the property manager over hanging the kids' drawings on the walls or leaving marks and scratches. I hated it. Today, every time we hang something on the wall, I express my gratitude for having my own place and making as many holes in the walls as I like.
• Add to the list your gratitude for the great lessons in your life. It is amazing how bad things in our life teach us so much and we can be grateful for the lesson and the teacher. Examine even bad experiences and look for lessons. Be grateful for the lessons for they are great stepping-stones on your life journey.

Remember that gratitude and appreciation are ways to shift your focus on to the good things in life. It is not a coincidence people say grace for food and, in some traditions, give thanks for everything they have in their life. The theory behind it is the more grateful you are for something, the more you have of it.

Join me next week for the 6^th part of the list making series about good memories from your childhood.

I am happy you have read this post. Thank you for visiting my blog,
Ronit

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I thought this was serious enough to report to his school through a friend of ours, who is his teacher. "Speculation or not, the school should look into it", I said.

"No, it doesn't", said everyone else, "It's none of our business and if we bring up drugs as an option, he might get labeled as a user and suffer.

"Isn't it clear he's suffering already?" I pointed out.

"Yes, but maybe it's something different and we shouldn't butt in", came the answer and that was that.

This got me thinking about the issue of "troubled teens". When I was looking online for keywords related to Ronit's book, "Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers", the phrase "troubled teens" featured prominently as something many people (parents?) were searching for and that many websites were offering solutions to.

What is a troubled teen?

"Is Jonathan a 'troubled teen'? How would I know? If he is, what could be troubling him?" I wondered.

So I got online and searched for what defines troubled teens. Here is a (partial) list:

• Out of control
• Isolated
• New social circle
• Concealment
• Problems at school
• Eccentricity
• Drugs and/or alcohol
• Anxiety and/or depression
• Violence
• Negative body image
• Nervous breakdown
• Moodiness

(More on the excellent free site, Troubled Teens Help)

Our young friend Jonathan qualifies under several categories: isolation, concealment, school problems, eccentricity, moodiness, perhaps depression and possibly drugs.

Now, the list above is only one of symptoms, so what might be troubling young adults and cause them to display one or more of the symptoms listed?

Last week, I got a call from a couple of parents, whose teenage son was running away from home and school on a regular basis. They felt very helpless and did not know what they could do for their son. While I was talking to them, I did not hear a single word about what their son wanted, what might have been bothering him or what he has told them in conversation. I also heard nothing from these parents about any plans to take charge of the situation. It was all helpless desperation.

How troubled teens are made

My theory on this is simple. Troubled teens' parents have incorrect priorities in life and personal space issues.

What?!

Parenting priorities

Well, think of most (not all, but most) of the parents around you who have a teenager in the house. Do they work late? Do they spend little time with their teen children? Do they fight with them a lot? Do they insist on academic performance, manners and helping around the house? Do they try to limit their teen kids' time in front of the TV, the video games and the computer?

Think about it. If your teenager is moody, stops sharing exciting news with you, shuts their room door when you walk by, hangs out with kids you do not know, looks tired and even unhealthy and you worry about grades, do you have your priorities straight? If you spend a few more hours at work to keep the boss happy and possibly make more money, while your teenage child spends his or her time with other people doing God knows what, do you have your priorities in the right order?

Is there anything more important to you than your kids?

If anything serious should happen to your troubled teen, will it be any consolation to you that your boss was happy with your work?

Are we in agreement about the priorities issue yet?

Do not get me wrong here. In too many families today, the situation dictates longer work hours and longer commutes than were ever required just to make a living. Still, if your child owns and operates a latest model video game and hardly spends any time with his parents, something here stinks.

Quality time with a relaxed, accessible parent or two is not a luxury. It is a necessity.

Parenting and personal space for teens

Most of western society is based on ideas like human rights, personal freedom and personal choice. Unfortunately, too many people apply these ideas in situations where they are not applicable. Parenting, for instance.

By now, I am sick of seeing the following scene in movies and on TV: parent says something to teen, teen refuses, parent shouts at teen, teen shouts back, goes to room and slams the door in parent's face.

If this happened in my house and I thought the situation was serious enough, I would have no problem whatsoever entering my teen's room and doing whatever it took to sort things out. Sure, my kids might think I am nosy, bossy or obnoxious, but they always know I care and they are certain beyond a doubt that I will never leave them alone in a pinch.

The whole personal space issue with kids is based on the misconception that they can take care of themselves. What utter nonsense! Even legally adult kids nowadays know very little about taking GOOD care of themselves. Most of them still have not figures out important things in life, like their choice of career, their choice of life partner, their choice of lifestyle and so on. They are confused and afraid, and if their parents do not provide some order and structure in their life, they may very well fall to pieces.

By giving teens personal space to sort things out for themselves, we are actually standing by and witnessing their decline, while letting them down all the time.

If we love our kids, we must show it with our rules and our uncompromising values. We must bear the short-term struggles for the long-term safety and strong relationships with our dear children. If we do not do it, who will?!

What can you do as a parent?

So if it looks like your teen is no longer the cute and lovable creature he or she used to be and he or she is turning into an uncommunicative, moody, sloppy, indifferent, ill-mannered mess, get up and do something about it, even if it hurts at first. Open up your heart to your troubled teens, tell them how much you love them, tell them you will NEVER give up on them, tell them you will always be there to help them and force them to obey the rules in your house.

This blog is full of posts about communicating with your kids. There is even a video that will bring tears to your eyes and give you perspective. Arm yourself with good knowledge and win your troubled teen back, whatever it takes!

Oh, and if you know anyone who might need to read this post, why not send it to them? It may be easier for them to "hear" it from me.

Passionate parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Lost in Translation
• When Good Parenting is a Luxury
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

Last week, after posting Self Esteem Mini-Course (part 6), I got this comment from Chuck Bluestein referring to his post called What Causes a Lack of Self-Esteem in Americans. According to Chuck, the lack of physical touch in infants is the source of the problem.

Well, Chuck, I agree with you that physical touch is essential for kids' physical and emotional growth. I even think that parents who think they are "spoiling" their babies by holding them in their hands are being unreasonable. Yes, babies needs to be hugged and touched, but the real problem in our society starts when they grow a bit and Mom and Dad think it is inappropriate to touch them anymore. It reached a stage where grown-ups who lived together in the same house for years shake hands when they see each other. I try from time to time to imagine my kids as grown-ups. I have changed their diapers! I cannot imagine myself shaking their hands when they become parents. Since they were babies, I have hugged them and said, "I can hug you and love you as much as I want".

However, Chuck, I do not believe that "hearing" about something can convince people to behave in any way. People have heard everything there is to hear, they have all the knowledge in the world but it just does not sink in, because of the many filters they have added to their identity over the years. This is neither right nor wrong, it is just a fact. We go through life and come up with filters that help us survive.

And I still think there is no such a thing as "the right way" (I think Special Education professionals are "programmed" to react like this to the terms "right" and "wrong"). People always choose what seems to be the right way at the time. Not one ever says, "Well, here are 7 options for raising kids, let me pick the wrong one"…

I love Mr. Miyagi from "Karate Kid" and I think I would have said, "When the student cannot understand something, it is only because the teacher did not present it properly", but bad teachers? I do not think there are any. No teacher on Earth ever becomes a teacher in order to damage kids. No teacher ever says, "Well, I have 7 ways (I love the number 7) to teach, let me choose the lousiest one". Teachers (and parents are teachers too) teach the best way they can. We need to give them more strength, more confidence, more support and no judgment.

Chuck says, "This lack of self-esteem is not because American parents do not love their kids. It is because they never learned how to raise infants. The way that kids are raised now is described in the book, Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem by Gloria Steinem (1992). This tells how children are alive to serve the parents and the parents are perfect and always right and it goes on and on".

I agree with Gloria Steinem that most parents have never learned how to raise infants, but they have never learned how to raise toddlers or teens either, they have never learned how to establish a relationship with a partner or take care of their finances or do home maintenance, although they have to do it all their life. What is new about that?

I would like to suggest that you take all the Amer-Indians, put them in the middle of a busy city and see how much self-esteem they will have there. Kids who grow in a small community with a different dynamic can continue to raise their kids the same way for over 100,000 years.

The kids we have today, the kids whose parents have Internet connections and go on the computer to read the great posts you and I write, live in a super fast world with changes every day, all day. Even if they wanted to keep their life the same way for a week, they could not do it.

When you say 100,000 years, it is funny. My 6-year-old just came back from school, excited that she had learned how to change the colour of text in Microsoft Word. My husband than told her he had met his first computer at university and we had our first computer at home when he was 26. In just a short time, life has changed for all of us. Do you think that, if we wanted, we could say, "Nah, I do not like this life. Too many changes. I want to go back to living like 100,000 years ago"?

As much as I believe that touch is important, I want you to know there are kids who cannot stand the feeling of being touched all the time (and Chuck, there is nothing wrong with these kids). You are describing a community of people who are kinesthetic and benefit from physical touch, but this does not mean that everyone does.

Some kids who will cry if you put them in a sling, because they will feel limited, whereas others will feel warm and safe. I have three kids and each is different in their need for touch. I find that natural. Yes, physical touch contributes to people's self-esteem, but I wish they could have remembered the hugs they got in their infancy. I wish there was a tank of hugs and touch that they could carry with them to adulthood. It is wishful thinking but far from being real. People need hugs and physical touch all the time - infants, toddlers, teens, parents, growth-ups, old folks - everybody. There is magic in the infant years, but hugs are not that magic.

If you believe that whenever the baby cries it is because he is in pain, you might find it hard and painful to raise kids. Kids cry as a form of expression. This is what they know and it is very good that they cry. Life is beautiful, but not if we immediately give them their desires all the time. They are just babies learning about life. Kids are not servants, nor are their parents. Everyone in this life wants to satisfy their needs and sometimes, there are conflicts of interest. For example, kids want to sleep in your bed and you want to make love to your partner tonight. Oops, what is more important now, your feeling of love, your partner's feeling of love or your kids' feeling of love? In every conflict of interest, parents are just a little bit more experienced than their babies are. Just as on planes, they tell you to put your mask on first when there is an emergency, it only makes sense to me that with self-esteem, you would do the same. Your kids will certainly learn to live by doing what you do, so teach them to take care of themselves by taking care of yourself.

If you teach kids that when they are not being held, they are not loved, you are teaching them the most horrible thing. The best thing is to tell them that they are loved no matter what and that there are many ways to express love and physical touch is only one of them. I hope no kid in the world will adopt this way of thinking, because we are not held most of our life, and life would be miserable if touch was the only way to express love.

Teen depression is not caused by not being hugged and touched in infant years but because parents think it is valuable to touch their kids when they are cute babies, but when the cuteness disappears, the hugs and the physical affection disappear with it. Many teens do not get touch from anyone close to them.

So Chuck, as much as I think that touch is essential for people's growth and wellbeing and as much as I think the early years are crucial, I do not agree that this alone is the source of self-esteem in people, although I wish you were right!

Happy ongoing parenting is the answer,
Ronit

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• Happiness!

The key holder

"Once upon a time, in a small village, lived a family. They had a small guest house at the back of their property, where people passing by stayed for the night. All four of their kids helped in the guest house and when they finished their chores, went to play with the other kids - all but the second son, Tom. Tom was a very quiet and a sad boy. He never smiled, never laughed and the other kids did not want to play with him.

One day, an old man came to the guest house and Tom, who loved listening to the guests' stories, showed the old man his room.

"What is your name, son?" asked the old man.

"Tom", said the boy.

"Tell me Tom, how come you are not playing with the other kids outside?" asked the old man and took off his shoulder a heavy bag, which made a metallic sound.

"They make fun of me and call me names", said Tom and helped the old man unpack.

"That is not nice. What do you love Tom?" asked the old man and open the bag, showing hundreds of big, heavy metal keys.

"Nothing", said Tom. Then, thought about it for a second, "Actually, I love stories. The guest here have wonderful stories", he said, "What about you?"

"I love keys", said the old man and shook his bag, "What about fears? What are you afraid of?" he asked Tom, putting his hand into the bag and looking for a key.

"I am afraid of the kids and that one day people will stop coming to our guest house and that someone might get hurt…", but before he finished his sentence, the old man held a key in his hand and said excitedly, "Yes, I have got it", and he came closer to Tom.

"Come, sit next to me. I have the key you need", said the old man and showed Tom a large metal key. "I'll tell you a story. Legend says that just before you were born, the angels had a farewell party for you. As a gift, they gave you two boxes - one was a love box to put all the good and happy things in your life and one was a fear box, to hold all the things you do not like or are afraid of. When you open the love box, angels fly around you and make you even happier, but when you open the fear box, demons take over and you feel scared and sad. We all had that gift at our farewell party. We were given the boxes, but we didn't get the keys to open them."

Tom looked at the bag of keys and got his hand in. The keys were very heavy.

"Why do we need the keys?" asked Tom.

"To open the love box and close the fear box", said the old man.

"Do you have the keys?" asked Tom.

The old man smiled. "I am the key holder. I have just the key for you", he said and handed Tom the key.

Tom held the key in his hand. He felt strong and happy. He smiled and remembered the magician guest who showed him some magic tricks. That was fun. He looked at his key and it made him feel great. For a second, he forgot the old man, who walked back to his bag and tied it slowly. Tom was so happy and excited he wanted to run to the kids outside and show them his magic love key. His love box was wide open.

"Thank you, thank you! It is a wonderful key. Can I keep it?" asked Tom.

"Sure, it is yours".

"What about your key?" asked Tom.

The old man showed him a heavy key on a chain around his neck.

"I'm fine. My key is safe and sound", he said and started packing his things.

"Are you leaving already?" asked Tom in fear. His parents would be upset to see the old man leaving so soon.

"Many keys to deliver", said the old man and stood at the door with the bag of keys on his shoulder. Tom looked at the key around his neck. There was only one key. He could not stop thinking about the fear box. He felt the demons all around him and he wanted to keep them locked.

"What about the other key?" Tom asked the old man just before he left his room. The old man turned his head to Tom and smiled.

"The fear box opens only when the love box is closed", he said and left the room.

Some say that there are only two feelings in the world - love and fear. In this philosophy, love and fear are categories of emotions, so we have two boxes: good feelings belong in the love box and bad feelings belong in the fear box.

In the love box, there are feelings like: joy, pride, happiness, compassion, kindness and fun.

In the fear box, there are feelings like: sadness, frustration, guilt, disappointment and anger.

If you can divide the entire range of feelings to these two categories, life is much easier. Think about it, if you feel good, your love box is open and allows angels to spread in your body. If you do not feel good about something, your fear box is open and allows the demons to float freely in your system.

Love and fear are ranges of feelings. At any second in life, you either have angels or the demons in your system. It is the number of demons or the number of angels that determines how successful you feel, how much fun you have, how frustrated or angry you are.

A similar philosophy claims that there is only one feeling in the world - love - and that fear is the absence of love.

People are emotional beings. Everything they do is meant to give them a feeling, hopefully from the love box. Unfortunately, many people dedicate too much time to find ways to close the fear box, instead of focusing on opening the love box.

Remember, the fear box opens whenever the love box is closed.

Tips to open your love box:

1. Learn to recognise which box is open at any given moment - is your feeling based on fear or on love?
2. Whenever you are afraid, hold your imaginary key next to your chest. You hold the key to open your love box. You have the power!
3. Make a list of all the things that make you happy. How many? The more, the better, but aim for 100.
4. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for. Again, go over your life and remember to mention every tiny thing you are grateful.
5. Tell someone how much you love him/her.
6. Call someone you have not talked to for a while.
7. Write a success journal and record all the good things that happened to you during the day.
8. Hang around people with huge open love boxes. It is contagious.
9. Make a random act of kindness.
10. Give your partners a list of the ways they can make you happy and ask for their list.
11. Pick one item from your list every day and make yourself happy.
12. Dream!
13. Go over your childhood album and bring up good memories.
14. Find a job that opens your love box every day. Our work takes a lot of energy. If you have demons at work, find ways to bring angels.
15. If you are afraid of change, you are taken by demons. Letting go creates a great feeling of freedom and it has many sprinkles of angels. Practice letting go.
16. Smile! It is free. There are lots of angels in each smile.
17. If things do not happen the way you want them to happen and there is nothing you can do about it, move on. Moving on in spite the challenges requires the love box to be open.
18. Many people have an open fear box because they do not know they have the key. Forgive them! If you use your love key often, it will help everyone around you find theirs.
19. Hug, hug a lot. You need 12 hugs a day
20. It is 2008, and you have 9 month until the end of the year to come up with 2008 things you want to do in your lifetime - things that will keep you happy, motivated, empowered, healthy and successful.

And to add things to your box, I send you all lots of love for Valentines Day with the song "Love is the answer". Enjoy!

Love,

Ronit

"I Believe"
- Blessid Union of Souls

Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand
Don't ask any questions and don't try to understand
Open up your mind and then open up your heart
And you will see that you and me aren't very far apart

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

Violence is spread worldwide and there are families on the street
And we sell drugs to children now oh why can't we just see
That all we do is eliminate our future with the things we do today
Money is our incentive now so that makes it okay

But I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way

I've been seeing Lisa now for a little over a year
She said she's never been so happy but Lisa lives in fear
That one day daddy's gonna find out she's in love
With a nigger from the streets
Oh how he would lose it then but she's still here with me
'Cause she believes that love will see it through
And one day he'll understand
And he'll see me as a person not just a black man

'Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe I believe I believe I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Please love find the way
Please love find the way

You may want to read

• Put a Little Love in Your Heart
• Make a list: What I like about me
• Make a list: Things I am Happy about