Usually, we call others "difficult" when we find them hard to deal with. Although we find it hard to deal with them, this does not make them difficult people. Sometimes, the combination between people highlights their difficulty, so to make sure that the difficulty is not just a conflict between the two of you but something general, check that this behavior is a pattern that appears in this person's communication with others as well.

If more than three people think they have a dysfunctional relationship with this person, and for the same reasons, it is usually a sign that the problem is with the difficult person and not with the combination of both of you. If others share mixed impressions of that person, we should take a closer look at our particular interactions with him or her.

For us to consider someone as difficult, we also need to make sure that the behavior is not temporary but consistent. We all have times when we show off, we all joke sometimes and even say something sarcastic, but it does not make us difficult. Usually, it needs to happen consistently over a period to be considered a problem. If someone is suddenly difficult, he or she is not a difficult person - they are just experiencing a temporary challenge they cannot handle. In that situation, maybe there is something we can do to help them.

Here are types that can be mistaken for being difficult and we need to be careful before considering them difficult.

1. Exhibitionists - We would not call popular people "difficult" just because they are popular. Real exhibitionists are not popular, which is why they try to become popular in ways that make others like them even less.
2. Experts - It is important not to confuse between smart and knowledgeable people that are generous with their expertise and those who push their expertise even when they are not asked for it.
3. Jokers - Funny people are not necessary difficult. Some funny people know when it is time to laugh and when it is time to be serious. Dysfunctional jokers use their humor to avoid emotionally challenging situations and keep cracking jokes even at very inappropriate times.
4. Dinosaurs - Not every old-fashioned person who keeps tradition and does things the old way is a difficult person. There is much to learn from elders and they can be kind and wonderful mentors if they practice some flexibility and generally avoid judgment. I have had a chance to meet some elders in my leadership programs and thought they were graceful and open-minded. Young people can be dinosaurs too if they stick to what they know and defend it while keeping their mind closed to new ideas.
5. Show offs - It is important to distinguish between people who are proud of themselves and show offs. While proud people tell about their successes and achievements when the conversation is around the topic of their success, show offs do it constantly and not necessary in relation to the topic of conversation.
6. Shy - It is very natural for people to be reserved a bit in new company, so do not judge them in situations where they are totally new and with lots of new people. Not everyone can approach strangers, extend their hand and say, "Hi, I'm Yvonne", but there is nothing wrong with them. This is only a problem when it starts affecting their daily life.
7. Astronauts and loners - We all want to be alone sometimes. We all want to let go sometimes and do nothing at all, but it does not make us difficult. It makes us human. It becomes a difficulty when this desire takes over our life and disturbs our relationships with others.
8. Competitive - Some competition is healthy and can be a motivator for some people. It becomes a difficulty when we feel we must win and are devastated when we come in second. It becomes a problem when we win and forget that losing person has feelings too and view people as "winners" or "losers".
9. Gossips - Be careful not to consider every talk about others a bad thing. If you talk about others when they are not around, but you say good things about them, this also does not make you a difficult person. It makes you wise and kind.
10. Two faced or Vague - Some people do not explain themselves properly because of language and/or culture differences. People who speak another language have unusual vocabulary and accent that might make what they say seem unclear or vague. It makes it difficult to understand them, but does not make them difficult people.
11. The "special one" - We all have a desire to be unique. This is natural and common. We become difficult when we stick out in a bad way or when the desire to be unique overrides the desire to be in good relationships with the people around us.
12. Approval seekers - We all want the people who love us to approve of our behavior and reassure us that we are loved and appreciated. It becomes difficult when we demand this approval and when we increase it from an occasional desire to a strong need.

Join me next week to find out why difficult people become difficult. In the meantime, I would love to read about your discoveries of difficult people around you.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, "Am I difficult that way?" and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Show offs

These are people that constantly tell you about their achievements and successes, their wisdom and their abilities. When you are next to them, they tell you the same victory stories over and over again, as if they are trying to convince you they are great.

Being around a show off increase our feeling of inadequacy. I had a friend that told everyone about how much she spent on every item she bought and how expensive it was, saying, "I bought this dress for $700. Wow, it was so expensive". At first, I was happy for her, but after a while, I could not stop thinking I could buy more than 7 dresses for the same price. I think I was exhausted, because it was hard for me to manage my feelings of jealousy.

Non-stick or Teflon-coated

Nothing seems to stick to these. They seem like they do not have an attachment to anyone or any particular agenda. You cannot fight with them, but you cannot get close to them either. They always keep their distance and only the few people closest to them know who they really are.

From the outside, they seem like they are everyone's friends, yet no one really knows them. They seem like they do not have problems, desires or heartaches and this seems unreal. It is very hard to connect with a "Teflon-coated" person.

Shy

These people are afraid to express themselves and prefer to observe others rather than participate. They do not function well when they meet new people. Usually, those who are close to them manage them well, because they only tend to be shy around new people. So shy people are only a problem in a new setting, when you need them to step up and express themselves.

Astronauts and Loners

These people behave like they prefer to be in space, dreaming and are not aware of what happens around them. They do not remember what you ask them, they do not pay attention to things and, much like shy people, prefer not to engage with others but to be on their own. It is problematic when they are kids and they need to pay attention or when they are in a relationship and their partner feels rejected because of their desire to be on their own.

Competitive

These people think that every conversation, communication and social interaction is an opportunity to win. They always try to do things faster or better than others do and they do not cooperate, even when that hurts their relationships.

Another form of competition is being sneaky and always setting traps for others in a subtle way that is hard to recognize. Being around a competitive person does not allow you to be yourself or be natural in your reactions and that is very tiring, so people try to avoid being around people who are competitive.

Troublemakers

These people cause problems to others or get themselves in trouble constantly. They are in trouble at school, with friends, with teachers and with various authorities. They are not aware of the toll their actions puts on others. They get into trouble with authority and keep escalating it. Around them, you always feel you need to fix the damage they have done, so most people try to avoid troublemakers and are very concerned and upset when they must associate with them.

Gossips

These people talk about others behind their back. They use information as a weapon against others. They usually use it in a bad way and talk badly about others when they are not present. Gossips create disharmony and conflict where it would not be otherwise. They like adding information they hold to stir up a gathering and bring others into the "who knows the most" game. They will tell people what others have said about them and they will add some of their own stories to make things "juicier". People do not like hanging around gossips, because they know that if they gossip about one person today, tomorrow they may gossip about them too.

Two-faced or Vague

You never know what these people think. They are unclear about what they think or feel and keep their options open to shift their position due to pressure. When you talk to them one day, they say one thing, and when you talk to them another day, they say something totally different, so you constantly feel confused around them. People feel uncomfortable around two-faced or vague people. When you finish a conversation with them, you are not sure you know what they have said or where they stand, which makes it impossible to rely on them.

The "special one"

These people will do anything to be different and special, even if it means doing it in a bad way. They will show off, talk badly about others or put others down in order to stick out. The special ones cannot build rapport with others. Since rapport means finding some common ground to connect with other people, the special ones consider this a threat to their uniqueness. When you hang around a "special one" for a long time, you feel you have nothing in common. People often stop talking about themselves around "special ones" to stop their self-centered talk, but it does not help them.

Approval seekers

These people are a mixture of many difficulties. They totally depend on others and need others to affirm all of their actions, thoughts and even feelings. They constantly ask you to tell them they are loved, kind, smart, talented or capable. They use others to encourage them and support them.

In extreme cases, they test the boundaries of their relationships by being rude or aggressive and asking you to tell them they are still loved. They will do something selfish and ask you to tell them they are kind.

The main difficulty with seeking approval is that it is addictive. The person seeking approval is never satisfied and only wants more and more of it. Usually, being the person they seek approval from is very heavy and demanding. They usually seek approval from someone who cares for them and loves them and their demands make it harder to care for them and love them.

Approval seekers are very needy. Around them, you have to be strong and encouraging at all times, to put aside your own life and if you do not approve of something, they increase the demand for it. It is very difficult to be strong and encouraging all the time, put your own needs aside for too long and be approving of everything they do, so people give up on them with resentment.

Join me next time to explain what difficult people are not.

Have a great day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

Having a depressed family member is not easy to handle. Most of the time, the depressed person cannot admit he or she needs help and rejects any help attempt. Those around them feel helpless and drained.

Gail was very creative in her attempts to help her husband. She went to the doctor and talked to him. She tried to make him go to the doctor, without success. She got him some vitamins and he refused to take them. She arranged holidays to make him happy, but he stayed depress.

"What happened with the boys?" I asked.

"They left. For five years, we didn't have a life. Everything revolved around him. Everything we did was done to please him. He was unhappy with everything we did and with what we didn't do. We had no friends left. No one was willing to come to our house and those who dared only did it once. Every second around him was fighting and complaining, so they gave up and left".

Gail' sons were 18 and 21, both studied at university and had to support themselves. Their dad was so unhappy with their move he did not "allow" their mom to see them.

Helping a depressed person is not easy, especially when he or she is an adult. Adults must choose to accept help and we cannot force them to receive our help.

Eventually, after 5 years of trying, Gail left home.

Her moving out was very effective. Not having Gail and the boys around helped her husband understand he had a problem.

Most of our sessions were spent on managing the process of going back home. The most effective tip I gave her was to use are. I introduced her to a research about depression and art and that worked like magic.

I hope it will help you too.

A research done in Norway with over 50,000 people using blood tests, urine tests, interviews, questionnaires and clinical examinations discovered that art can successfully fight depression. "There is a positive relationship between cultural participation and self-perceived health for both women and men", says Professor Jostein Holmen.

The researches claim, "Up to now, physical activity has been recognized as a measure that promotes good health. But our study shows that other daily life activities may promote good health from a holistic point of view. The results suggest that the use of cultural activities in health promotion and health care may be justified".

The research found that people who were exposed to art feel healthier overall. If they see music concerts, painting or sculpture and visit galleries, they are healthier and happier and less depressed then others. If they make art themselves by playing a musical instrument, singing, painting, sculpting and dancing, the results were even better.

The surprising thing was the results were true for all participants, regardless of their lifestyle and socio-economic background.

Gail's husband loved carpentry. He had not dealt with the loss of his job properly and had not touched his tools since he had stopped working. When Gail came back home, she encouraged him to take is tools out and build a drawer for the living room.

Three month later, the boys came back home.

Have a happy day,
Ronit

P.S. If you ever need a reason to encourage your children to engage in artistic activities or a reason to visit a gallery or go to the theater, you know it now. Art makes you happy!

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• Hugs: The Ultimate Antidepressant
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Purpose: To Be a Great Dad

Of course, when we do many of these things and lots of other people do them too, the decline accelerates. I often think of my kids and the kind of place I would like them to have when they grow up and it makes me worry.

Fun with Ice

When we lived in Texas, there was a period of frost every year. That was bad for the lawn, roads were slippery during morning rush hours and there were always accidents because of the frost.

Yet, a friend of mine found a way to have fun with his kids during that time. Before going to bed on Friday night, he would water his driveway, which was short, straight and steep. When his boys woke up on Saturday morning, the driveway would be ready for some extreme sliding!

This went on for a while and nearly became a family tradition, except one day, my friend's mother-in-law came to visit on Saturday morning and slipped on the ice. She was thoroughly upset with my friend's carelessness and promptly sued him (and her daughter, who was married to him) for her medical expenses.

The following year, my friend's insurance raised his premium and he stopped wetting the driveway.

Insurance protects us from losing everything when we are already busy dealing with something bad, so it seems like a good idea. But insurance companies need to make money in order to insure us, so they recover their losses back from us. Along the way, they sometimes take away some of our happiness too.

No Running, No Jumping, No Playing

When Tsoof was 4 years old, his favorite activity was soccer, he loved to play drums and was a very energetic and talkative little boy. We wanted him to be with other kids, so we sent him to a nearby kindergarten that had great facilities and looked really nice.

Over time, we noticed our little boy was becoming sad and agitated, until he said he did not want to go to kindie anymore. When we ask him about it, he said, "They just want me to sit all the time. I can't run and I can't jump and I can't climb anything. And they want me to be quiet all the time. If I sing or shout because I'm happy, they say 'keep it down'. I heard something outside and I climbed the toy box to see what's happening and the teacher pulled me down", he said.

The next time we dropped him off, we went in with him and asked about all these restrictions. His teacher told us there had been some accidents and some children had gotten injured from climbing or bumping into each other while running, so their insurance company had told them they would not pay for these anymore and they should make sure the kids did not do anything dangerous.

"But this is what kids do", we said, "They run and climb and experiment. It's good for them".

"Sorry", said the teacher, "We can't afford to lose our cover".

Sitting Down until 8:30

A couple of years ago, Noff's school introduced a new rule: Until 8:30am, students within the school grounds may only be in the covered area near the cafeteria and they need to be sitting down. At 8:30, when the school opens officially, students may go anywhere (except they only had 15 minutes until their first lesson started).

This was a hard blow for many parents who had to go to work and needed to drop their kids off at school before 8:30. It was like a punishment for the kids, although they had done nothing wrong. It also chopped their social and fun time at school significantly, which is the main reason Ronit and I send our kids to school.

We wondered about this for a long time, until we were told recently that a girl had been hurt while playing at one of the school's playground before any teachers were on duty and her parents sued the school.

The school did the only thing it could to keep enough of its budget for education...

Glorious Jury

A few weeks ago, I received a summons to my first ever jury duty. Having never been inside a courtroom anywhere, I thought this would be a great experience, so I did not ask to be excused, even through 3 weeks away from work would not be easy. I also wanted to do my part as a citizen and help keep the justice system going.

So far, I have been in one trial that went on for three days, but I have had a lot of time to think about the effects of the jury system on our life.

When I told people I was going to be on jury duty, they looked at me like I was soft in the head or something. "You can ask to be excused, you know", they said, "It's easy. Just say you have a business and you can't get away".

That made me wonder who remains to serve as jurors in the system. These are most likely unemployed, senior citizens and people whose jobs pay them so little, the income from their jury duty is the same or higher than what they already make. Would you want to have that cross-section of society at your trial? Is this truly "a jury of peers"?

Then I got to the building where the courts are and went through the orientation. I found out that many (sometimes most) of the prospective jurors arrive in the morning, go through 1 or 2 jury selections and then go back home. By that time, their day is shot and they only get a small amount of money for their trouble.

The "lucky" ones are "empanelled" and serve as jurors for a few days. I was chosen during my first jury selection.

In the courtroom were a judge, a judge's associate, a bailiff, a prosecutor, an assistant prosecutor, a stenographer and at least two correctional services officers. These 8 people were paid by the state. On the defense side were two highly paid lawyers, making a total of 10 other people.

The jury more than doubles the number of people sitting through the entire trial! However little they get paid, every day of trial costs up to 12 days of lost productivity and taxes, as well as the juror payment, lunch and public transport. If that is not enough, it took several hours for the barristers and the judge to explain to us the matters of law relevant to the case, which made the trial longer.

Then came deliberation. In theory, the jury system is meant to protect ordinary citizens from unfair trials, but jurors are people with biases. They all have beliefs, values and needs that come into play when they decide on a verdict. As I sat in the room, I noticed racial comments, political comments, religious comments and many unfounded statements spoken with conviction. Although we all agreed in the end and worked things out quite well, would I want these people at my trial? Probably not.

Having a costly legal system puts it beyond the reach of most people, so having 12 jurors in court actually excludes many of their "peers" from getting a fair trial.

In our topsy turvy world, the things we do to protect ourselves come back to bite us when we do not stop to think them through and sometimes even when we do.

Have a productive day,
Gal

You may want to read

• Video Games Violence (3): Parenting
• Video Games Violence (2): Video-game-inspired real violence
• Video Games Violence (1): Shock and Awe

There are many types of difficult people. Some of them are similar and all of them try to overcome some kind of fear or use their behavior as a mechanism to fulfill a need.

The first step in managing difficult people is to recognize the type of difficulty, whether it is within yourself or others.

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, "Am I difficult that way?" and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Types of difficult people (1-10)

Exhibitionists

People that do things to be seen by others and to be in the spotlight. Their desire to be front and center and receive recognition may cause others to feel embarrassed and try to avoid their company.

Experts

People who like to be perceived as knowledgeable in a specific area. Whenever there is a discussion about the topic of their expertise, they expect others to consult with them only and if others dare to ask someone else, the expert feels insulted. People do not like being around experts, because they push their expertise rather than being kind about it.

Jokers

People who make jokes all the time. They are never serious, even when it is required or commonly expected. They think everything is funny and when you tell them things that are dear to you and they make fun of it too, you tend to avoid telling them important things. It is hard to get support from a joker and people worry that they will be mocked when they reveal their inner fears and thoughts, so they just do not expect a joker to help them.

An extreme version of a joker is the sarcastic person, who is a critic in disguise. He is constantly judging others, but hides his judgment in the form of a funny statement. Sarcasm is a form of violence and people do all they can to avoid being bullied by a sarcastic person.

Hijackers

People who are very self-centered. They are convinced the world revolves around them and they take every opportunity to say what they think and to divert conversations to suit their purpose. They do not know how to give a credit to others and take over every meeting or discussion. If you ask them a question, you risk them taking hours to reply and leaving no space for others to participate.

Hijackers do not respect other people's agenda and do not understand the concept of "the right time" to do or say things. Their timing is awkward and to others, it seems like hijackers cannot read social cues and do not have social skills.

Party Poopers

Negative people. They see faults everywhere, they complain a lot and instead of focusing on what works, what is good or what they can be grateful for, they talk about the bad things so much, it is hard to see the light around them. Party poopers are hard work and major energy consumers, so people try to avoid being around them so they can have some fun in life.

Devil's advocates

People that always position themselves as the opposite of what others say. They do not say it because this is what they believe in. They say it because they like they see it as a game. It is very exhausting to be around such a person, because you constantly need to prove your point and justify your thoughts, while in constant argument and conflict. A devil's advocate uses various methods to play this "game", including making the other person look bad, dishonest and insecure, putting them down, being sarcastic and being insensitive to other's need.

Puppies

Those who agree with everything and always get into trouble when there is a disagreement between parties and they have to choose sides or be honest about what they think or believe. Around puppies, you never know where you stand. When they agree with you, you never know if their agreement is genuine or not. They are subject to pressure and when you communicate with them, you always need to consider who is putting more pressure on them. If you let go, the pressure they have on them does not disappear.

Dinosaurs

People with an old and conservative mindset. They talk about the past with longing. They try to live in the past and put a lot of effort into trying to convince others that what happened in the past was better. It is hard to talk around them about new ideas, about progress and about moving forward.

Hostile

People who are in a state of war at all times. They are very defensive. They suspect everyone around them for trying to harm them, so they constantly have their shields up and attack. Everything around them seems like a threat and they try to defend themselves by being hostile and sending messages of "Don't mess up with me". Around hostile people, you are constantly careful not to say the wrong word, as if you are walking on eggshells.

Nitpickers

Being around these people feels like being pricked by needles. They follow rules religiously and are very busy with every little mistake others make. They correct other's spelling and speech and they use long explanations and long analyses that exhaust others. They use their ability to pay attention to details to gain advantage in their communication, but they usually miss the real point by paying attention to what is not important in the conversation. With nitpickers, you never wins and people do not like losing constantly, so they quickly give up on them.

Join me next time for 10 more types of difficult people.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

I was a difficult child for my parents and they gave up on me. My teachers gave up on me and even my friends gave up on me. I needed lots of courage to go through self-reflection and recognize I was not an easy child, not an easy student and not an easy friend. Lucky me, I was only 16 years old when I realized that difficult people are very lonely, they are in lots of pain and no one around helps them, because they cannot take the risk of associating with them.

Difficult people do not have many friends because they are hard work. They usually stick to the group of people that have no choice but suffer their presence, like family, old friends and work colleagues. These people tolerate their presence, but start to resent them if they have to be with them for a long time. They will never initiate an interaction outside what they have to.

Every difficult adult was once a difficult child

At least, they had some difficulties that have made them develop those "difficulties" as a defense mechanism. Difficult children usually say, "No one wants to be my friend". Grownups change it to, "I don't need (many) friends", or, "They're stupid, anyway", because their social difficulty is already part of their identity and they cannot see themselves without it. If someone told them they were difficult, they truly would not understand what it made them say it. They do not recognize their difficulty as a problem, usually because it is not a problem for them but for others.

I believe that difficult people struggle to recognize and manage their own feelings. Much like a person with a learning difficulty, difficult people have an emotional or social disability. It is a cycle. Their challenges make them difficult, so others avoid their company, which makes their disability even worse. Their need for company and external sources makes them more difficult, so they get less help and support. It never ends.

It gets complicated in some situations, such as when there is more than one difficulty, when there is a clash between two difficult people and when the difficulties increase in frequency or intensity.

When I studied special education, one of my very inspiring teachers showed us that we all have some difficulties, although not all of them were "learning difficulties", because they did not apply in a school setting (like fear of heights). Nevertheless, they limited out abilities and made us struggle sometimes. I suspect that in some way, we all have emotional difficulties and maybe more than one, although I think many of them are connected. Grouping our challenges can help us greatly in finding solutions. Often, finding a solution to one problem helps us solve others.

When we are difficult and we communicate with difficult people, the conflict increases and the tendency to behave in a difficult way increases. Again, no one is difficult to annoy others, they are trying to achieve something for themselves and, they just do it in a way that is not useful or beneficial to the interaction, because they do not know any other way. In these situations, it is important to understand that throwing the responsibility on the other person is not a solution and only makes it worse, no matter who the "difficult" person is.

How to deal with social difficulties

There are some ways for difficult people to improve and learn to manage their emotions.

1. They can see someone that will help them manage their emotions, an "emotional tutor". This usually requires them to recognize they have a problem and pay a professional who is a total stranger (at first) that will not give up on them due to exhaustion. Professionals charge for their service, so this method can be expensive.
2. They can get help from someone who loves them dearly, who is dedicated and willing to stick with them until they learn to manage their emotions. This is not an easy request when we are talking about a partner or a friend and works much better in a parent-child relationship. A parent will stick with a difficult child the more than any other person.
3. They can get a mentor that will help overcome the challenges of communication and of relating to others. Again, like going to a professional, the person must first recognize that they have a problem and that other people stay away from them not because the other people have a problem but because he or she is making it hard to associate with them. Usually, the mentor is someone they admire and appreciate and they will follow their instructions more readily. It is not easy to find a mentor who will to give their time freely, but sometimes, a distant family member, a family friend, a teacher or a community leader can do it with grace and kindness.
4. They can immerse themselves in personal development, meditate, think, reflect, read and do the hard work on their own. This requires lots of determination and ability to be honest with yourself. I believe this is the longest and hardest method, but it is the best one, because every realization in this method is strong and can give the "difficult" person power to control his or her own life.

This series is for everyone who thinks he or she may be considered "difficult" by others, as well as for those who must be around "difficult" people and look for ways to manage their relationship (usually, those who do not have to be will not bother). Teachers will benefit from this series, because they deal with difficult children every day. Parents will benefit from this series, because they have the strongest incentive to help their own children (remember, kids do not become difficult for the fun of it - they develop this behavior as a way to manage their emotions and if you do not help them change this pattern as the only person in the world who will stand by them for a long time, they might grow up to be difficult and miserable grownups).

So first, I want to recommend you do some self-reflection. If you find some of your difficulties below, seek help, as that will change your life forever. Even if you are convinced you are an easy person to deal with and the problem is with other people, working on yourself, on your emotional intelligence and your confidence, will help you help others.

In the coming weeks, I will talk about what difficult people are not, the types of difficult people, why people give up on them, what makes them difficult and how to manage your own difficulties and those of the difficult people around you.

Easy times,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties

From time to time, we get a knock on the door and someone asks for a donation to charity. The amount of money is up to us and the minimum is typically small. The person is pleasant and often seems like one of the people who would benefit from our donation to this charity.

But to me, this is money for nothing. Sure, research shows that people get a sense of generosity and feel good about themselves when they give money at the door, in the office or secretly in some other way. I still think this is a short-lived feeling that keeps injustice and bad management in our society long term.

Next time there is a knock on the door, the person who donates will be faced with the same dilemma. The next person knocking on the door will be in the same situation. Charity is not enough about change.

I believe that the fundamental ingredient missing from the charity model is self-respect. When a person cannot provide for themselves and relies completely on others for food, shelter and clothing, their sense of identity changes and they begin to see themselves as dependent and incapable of supporting themselves. If this goes on long enough, they end up feeling worthless.

Even if you have never been poor, maybe you have lost your job at some point or your partner has. The feeling of loss of self-worth can be debilitating. When it goes on for long enough and when the loss was big enough (like a top executive being laid off at an age that makes finding another job unlikely), some people even kill themselves. Standing in line for a social security handout is humiliating for anyone used to productive employment.

Money for nothing makes the recipient feel worthless.

Native Americans and Indigenous Australians are great examples of how this can affect large populations. Both were given autonomies in certain parts of their respective country, not necessary where they wanted, and both were given government handouts, supposedly as compensation for their lands being taken away from them. In both cases, many chose to live on the government subsidy and ended up spending their time and their money on drinking alcohol. In both cases, those who decided to go to work have done much better.

Human beings seem to have a sense of fairness in their exchanges and getting money for nothing is not a fair exchange.

A horrible example of this is Indian children who are maimed in order to become better beggars. In the minds of the people doing the maiming, those children's lives are better without an arm or an eye, because they can get enough money to survive and help support their families. But this also prevents them from being able to work when they grow up.

On the other hand, when we lived in Thailand, we did not see beggars on the streets. We saw people sitting in corners, on footbridges and between market stalls and selling little trinkets and flowers. We knew we did not need their wares when we purchased from them, but there was dignity in the exchange, smiles and hope.

For all of the above, Ronit and I decided to support the poor people of the world through Kiva. Kiva is an online microfinance organization that funds small projects all over the globe with money from other people. Each project is funded by a number of people, so the risk is shared. Every cent of funding is given as a loan, so the projects have to make business sense, succeed and pay back with interest.

We believe that Kiva prevents those in need from abandoning their responsibility for their lives and helps create a productive and supportive society globally and locally. Since poor people have limited access to computers and little knowledge of business, there are micro-banks acting on their behalf. They submit requests for funding for groups of farmers, producers or service providers, having trained them in running a business. The groups also keep their members on track and paying back.

For example, our first loan was to fifteen women from Paraguay (pictured at the top) that wanted to be able to offer a better future to their children. They are "fighters" who stretch themselves to their limits to give their families the basics to have a worthy life. The loan has helped them to buy fabrics, threads, needles, buttons and other sewing supplies.

Our second loan was to a farmer in Kenya (holding the sign in the picture above) who takes care of two children at home. He wants to ensure food security for his family. Before joining the group, he was only able to harvest 7 bags of maize 1 acre of land, but in 2011, he had an excellent maize yield of 18 bags on that land. The loan has helped him buy seeds and fertilizers.

When we signed up for Kiva, we did it as a family. We wanted our kids to know about the struggles of other people to help them appreciate their own life. We wanted them to be part of the giving and we wanted them to see that even when you are very poor, you still have a choice between being productive and being dependent.

Just in case you are jumping up and down, screaming, "But some people just can't sew or work a farm!" I want to mention another wonderful organization called the Endeavour Foundation. This organization takes care of people with mental and physical disabilities. Although much of its budget comes from donations and government support, it employs its clients in special workshops, where they make whatever they can make to help support themselves. They may not be able to provide everything for themselves, but they have the dignity of helping and doing what they can.

Many people say that kids have it all easy today. We may not have walked to school in blinding snowstorms, but from a technical point of view, our kids' life seems to be easier and we work hard to provide everything for them. I believe we need to ensure this does not become a kind of charity arrangement, or our kids will develop a dependent identity and lose the ability to care for themselves and their dignity.

No matter how small their contribution, a child's participation in housework and family decision-making is more about their self-esteem and independence than it is about the value they create (particularly when they are little). Do not give them "money for nothing". Get them to work for their gadgets as much as they can, get them involved in your giving, tell them about your own work, encourage them to take care of themselves and help them build a strong identity.

Empower the world one step at a time by helping those who help themselves.

Happy days,
Gal

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In fact, this post was Tsoof's idea. He came in a couple of days ago and said, "Dad, maybe you should write about the gay marriage thing. It's all over the news". So here goes.

The issue of whether gay marriage should be made legal or not is tough, because different people have different basic assumptions about homosexuality being a choice. Broadly speaking, there are a few ways to look at this issue:

1. Homosexuality is a genetic disorder that cannot be changed and it is a horrible thing. It is not what God sees as pure and holy in a person and should therefore be hidden, rejected and treated as a manifestation of the Devil. From this point of view, gay people should be kept away from society, shunned and even killed for the good of normal society. From this point of view, gay people are mentally disabled and should not marry, let alone care for children. In fact, it is best if they had no rights.
2. Homosexuality is a choice and because it is unholy, it is a test of faith. Gay people should renounce the Devil, become as God intended and rejoin normal society or suffer the consequences. From this point of view, by choosing to be gay, these people clearly demonstrate their inability to make sound choices and should not marry, let alone care for children. In fact, they should be prevented from influencing normal society to avoid the spread of their choices.
3. Homosexuality is (mostly) a genetic predisposition that puts people in a minority group, like many racial, ethnic, religious and political minorities around the world (like, say, African Americans or Indigenous Australians). Because their "condition" cannot be "cured" but does not affect their abilities to reason and carry out their civil duties, marriage is a matter of civil liberties. From this point of view, gay people should be allowed to marry if they wish in countries where marriage is a legal contract and people from different faiths or those who are not religious at all can marry.
4. Homosexuality is (mostly) a personal choice, which affects the gay people strongly and has little or no effect on others. From this point of view, a person choosing to be gay is no different to converting from Islam to Christianity (I wonder what your reaction would be if I wrote the reverse) - the family is likely to object, but they cannot do anything to stop it legally. Therefore, gay people should be able to marry in countries where civil marriage is recognized. Also, democracy dictates they should be able to share their choice with others, just like anyone with an unpopular political view would.

Fundamentally, gay people's sexual preferences are in conflict with Christianity, Judaism and Islam. In democratic countries, although the law may not be directly religious, a religious majority may be able to pass laws to the same effect. That is just the way things are in the world.

But this is not a legal blog.

This is a parenting blog. This is a personal development blog for parents.

So let's change the image of "gay people" for a second and take a look at this:

Is this a gay baby, with the fireman gear and all? When you look at him (or maybe it is her), do you consider excluding him from society and forbidding him to marry? Or maybe your reaction is more like, "Awww, so cute!"

Would you desert a newborn baby like him?

If your baby boy posed nude with fireman gear on, would you leave him out in the cold and walk away?

Here is another one. Is this a future gay woman who will roam the street with her Sporty Spice outfit, swearing at the opposing football team with a beer in her hand, or just a cute little girl trying on a cap?

Would you tell your little toddler girl to go and live somewhere else because she wore a boy's hat?

What if you knew right from the start your cute newborn baby was gay?

What if you found that out when they were 2? 4? No?

So what is the difference when they are 25? Does that really change anything?

I believe that children are made by parents and that this makes the parents responsible for them. As soon as their baby is born, its parents should commit "to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part".

I see my job as a parent to make sure my kids grow up to be HAPPY. It is not easy when they make different choices from the ones I make. Eden is now starting to make this painfully obvious in my life, if only because she has grown up in a society with very different values from the one I grew up in (because Ronit and I brought her there). That is why I find it hard to imagine her marrying her boyfriend, who is a really great guy and "normal" in every way. Still, I want her to be happy and I see her happiness as my responsibility.

Is there ANYTHING that makes people happier than having a strong and supportive relationship with their parents?

In her song Dear Mr. President, Pink asks:

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?

And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?

So I do not think the issue of gay marriage is a legal matter. I think it is a matter of how many parents will decide that gay marriage is good for their children and how many will decide it is bad for them. Rather than making your judgment based on the rhetoric in the media, think of your kids when they were little (maybe even take out a photo of them and look at it) and decide from your heart.

Happy parenting,
Gal

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In Australia, there is now something called NAPLAN - National Assessment Program for Literacy and Numeracy, officially described like this: "Every year, all students in Years 3, 5, 7 and 9 are assessed on the same days using national tests in Reading, Writing, Language Conventions (Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation) and Numeracy".

This means that absolutely NOTHING else matters to most of the teachers and parents of students in Years 3, 5, 7 and 9. After having quite a bit of fun in Prep and Years 1 and 2, the poor kids in Year 3 are taught things by the book, tested every week, deprived of play time, music, art, sport and extracurricular activities and subjected to constant pressure to perform. State Education ministers go nuts from it, so Department of Education executives go nuts from it, so principals go nuts from it, so teachers go nuts from it, so students go nuts from it.

The same thing happens all over again 2, 4 and 6 years later.

And that is really bad.

Because learning should be fun and because all that stress actually blocks learning.

Think back to your time at school for a moment, particularly to 3^rd Grade. Could you study well when you were tired? Could you concentrate in class when you were hungry or when you had to go to the toilet? Was it easy for you to work with numbers after witnessing your parents having a big fight the night before? How well did you do on exams when your dog died or your best friend moved away?

Not too well, right?

School systems are just like conventional medicine - they focus on the symptoms, ignore the personal context and completely miss the underlying issues. They do it because the symptoms, literacy and numeracy in this case, are easy to test and measure. It stands to conventional reason that by teaching more reading, students' reading will improve and by administering more math homework, students will get more practice and get better with numbers.

Ronit and I see just how wrong this approach is with every child that comes to our assessment service. One after the other, parents bring children aged 5 to 14, asking for help with their performance at school. One after the other, these children reveal gaps in their learning due to emotional traumas and communication style incompatibility with their past or present teachers. Ronit advises all of their parents to handle their emotional wellbeing first and one after the other, they pick up speed in their studies as soon as they are able to smile and feel free.

We have seen close correlations between gaps in reading, writing and math skills due to the illness and death of a father. Would you care how much 2 + 5 was if your father was dying?

We have seen gaps in academic performance due to frequent changes of teachers. Young children look up to their teachers and idolize them. That is why they trust their teaching and follow their instructions. Would you be able to trust your 6^th Grade 1 teacher after being "deserted" by the previous 5?

We have seen children whose mother or father had a mental disorder, which forced them to help extensively at home and gave other students at their school plenty of bullying material. Would you be able to motivate yourself even to go to school if this were your situation?

When a child is overwhelmed by strong emotions, pressure to perform only makes things worse. The child feels ignored, abused, rejected and belittled. They lose trust in teachers, parents and sometimes even in "grownups" in general. So they hide their challenges, which makes them even harder to detect, and they go on missing more and more spelling, grammar, arithmetic, shapes, money, graphs and all those other things that show up later as low test scores.

Emotionacy

What kids really need to learn is not literacy or numeracy, it is "emotionacy". They need to learn how to recognize and manage their emotions. They need to be encouraged to express themselves, to explore and to learn what and how they like. They need to be valued as people-in-the-making (my kids have an awesome music teacher who refers to her students as "short people") and to be developed based on their own choices.

Reading something interesting is far more beneficial than reading standard text. Sure, it is not as easy to monitor and regulate, but kids who follow their heart LOVE to read. They read without any external pressure, they learn far more from what they read and they read so much that their level of literacy is actually better over those who are forced to read standard boring stuff.

Give any child a cool science project where they need to measure quantities, calculate fractions, draw a graph and analyze numerical data and they will jump for joy at each discovery and conclusion. They will remember the experiment forever, keep the results in their room for months, show it to everyone and proudly EXPLAIN the math to anyone who will listen. In the context of something exciting, kids have all the skills for math.

Pay attention to how a child learns - by writing and drawing, by listening and talking or by doing - and adapt your teaching to it and all of a sudden, a "slow" child seems "bright". Suddenly, they like coming to class or doing their homework, they love the teacher (or you, their parent) and their scores improve dramatically.

Find out how a child feels, no matter how long it takes and how difficult it is for them to describe (particularly at a young age), help them feel better and you will get a bundle of joy that finds little in class challenging. Use stories, symbolic play with dolls, drawings or any other non-verbal method and you will discover the blocks to natural learning. Give affirmations, touch, quality time, little presents and helpful services and you will see moping turning into energy and a long face becoming a smile.

When you need to teach a child something, present it as a game. Learning happens much better when it is fun and then, the child wants to learn even more, because it is fun. Kids would play games all the time if they could, so just let them. Use their endless energy and fill their games with useful learning and they will be unstoppable.

Academic performance is natural for children when they can "afford it" mentally. When they are too busy surviving emotionally, they can learn nothing, but no matter what their top potential is, they will get a lot closer to it when they are happy.

So check your child's emotionacy and help them get better at it. Write your local representative and speak out at parent-teacher meetings and parent-body gatherings. What your kids need is emotional intelligence and the rest will follow.

Happy parenting,
Gal

P.S. A good starting point is to work on your own happiness, because happy parents raise happy kids.

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The film we saw was called The Whistleblower. It is a story of an American police officer who works for the United Nations' peacekeeping forces in Bosnia and uncovers a women trafficking operation. We sat on big, soft cushions on the grass at a park by the Brisbane River, the weather was perfect, the atmosphere was magical, we were happy for the chance to get away for a bit in each other's company.

Then, the movie started.

The level of brutality shown on the screen by the traffickers towards the women, the complete disregard for the law and the strong violation of every moral system I could think of disturbed me to the core. I had to struggle to keep watching some scenes and felt terrible for poor Ronit who is generally more sensitive than I am.

When we talked about the movie in the car on the way home, we both wondered what would compel anyone to abuse another person in such a way. Our conclusion was that these people had no love in their hearts. Not romantic love. Kindness, compassion, empathy, tenderness, comradery, friendship and understanding towards another human being.

All they had was fear. It was in their eyes. It was in their laughs. It was in their intonation. It was in their words. Because without love, fear is all that is left.

A few days later, we went to a Christian wedding of the lovely daughter of a lovely couple of friends of ours. We expected to hear about Jesus and God, but the wedding celebrant (who is also the bride's aunt), spent some time explaining why God is love.

She said something like, "People say that God is loving, and He is loving, but that is not his essence. God is love. Because love accepts without condition, encourages without limits and makes everything better".

And I thought to myself, "I wish every person in the world thought this way. Whether they were religious or not, if everybody's faith was in love, this world would be a much better place".

Many people are uncomfortable with expressing love, because they have heard little or no love spoken to them, they have not been hugged or stroked and they have not been praised. Some have had mostly abuse from their parents.

At Ronit's parenting workshops, participants are asked to list the 4 things they want most for their children. Some list health, some list money, some list success, but everyone lists happiness. Ronit then asks them to give up the least important thing and keep just 3, then just 2 and finally, only 1. The parents agonize over the "lost" values, but invariably, they leave happiness in their hands.

When Ronit asks them, "Is this what you spend most of your parenting time on?" some of the parents burst into tears, because they realize that the fighting and forcing and nagging only take away from the thing they want most for their kids - happiness. After this experience, the parents determine to go home and show their children nothing but love, no matter what happens.

We keep in touch with them and that is what many of them do. Parents who have not had love as kids must make an effort to express love for their children, but the rewards are tremendous.

From the kids' point of view, love is a natural thing and expressing it is easy. When we lived in Singapore, Tsoof was 3 years old and had his own room. Sometimes, he played by himself, and then felt alone, so he called out, "Mom/Dad, I love you" and we would reply, "I love you too".

That kept him happily playing in his room for a while longer, knowing we were there for him if he needed us. When he grew up (and, OMG, became a teenager), he started using the same method to diffuse conflicts. Say Noff is upset with him and starts talking tough, he says, "I love you too" and she softens (if not, he says it again).

With Christmas just around the corner, I wanted to encourage you to show your love for your children as much as you can. Giving gifts is certainly a great way, but it is only one of the 5 languages of love.

I also wanted to leave you with a song from a Christmas film (Scrooged), which captured the essence of this post very well. The lyrics are below, so you can sing along (go easy if you are at work, but go nuts if you are at home).

Loving parenting,
Gal

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