It is easier to shield our bodies against the harmful arrows from without than to protect our minds from the poisoned darts within
- Shakyamuni

Anorexia is a very debilitating disease. While it looks like there is a physical problem, the real problem is the one we cannot see with our eyes but the one we can see with our heart. As hard as it is to accept, choosing not to eat is a way to deal with difficult emotions.

Most eating disorders are the same. Eating (too much) or not eating (at all) is the solution to worry, to fear, to shame, to confusion, to failure and to guilt, and gradually, the simplest strategy seems to be to shut down the desire for food.

I do not know if you have ever fasted for fun, for health or for weight loss. There is a point when you no longer feel hungry at all. I think it is important for people to feel this point to understand that we can eat or not eat at will. To survive, we really do not need much food, so someone who chooses not to eat, really does not feel hungry, but still has those emotions that he or she tries to keep away. If you want to help a person who has anorexia, remember that focusing on the food is (again) working on the symptom and not the problem.

The best solution to anorexia is increasing the emotional intelligence. The first step is to recognize the feelings and the second step is to manage the feelings.

Today, I will focus on tips to mange worrying.

Worry is a feeling of fear from a possible bad future. People go to the future inside their head and imagine something bad, then come back to the present carrying the fear of this possibility. If it seems to you not to be real, it is because it is not. We all do this in some form, but some people have a problem distinguishing between their imaginary future and the present and those people do not just worry. They have what we call an anxiety attack.

Here are 10 tips to address worry or, in its severe form, anxiety, that may be a trigger to choosing not to eat. These are good for anyone, whether they have anorexia or not, and can help you help another person too.

1. Take a deep breath and feel the tension leaving your body. Exhale deeply and inhale deeply a few times. If the tension is still there, take deep breathes for 2-3 minutes. The oxygen to your brain will help your body trigger calming chemicals. Give your body the time to help you.
2. Name the worry. Tell yourself what you are worried about. If you find it hard, imagine someone else saying it. For example, if you are worried about going to a pool party in your bikini, imagine your most popular, good-looking friend saying to you, "I'm worried about going to the pool party in my bikini. I think I am fat". This will probably make you think about the statement as if it is not coming from you and help you question its validity.
3. Write it down. Having a journal, where you write about your worries, is very helpful in getting a bit of perspective. Thinking it is different than writing it. Reading about your worries later, when you are in a better mood, will help you monitor your mood and find correlations between events in your life and the feelings you have. For example, you may have more negative thoughts about your body whenever you spend time with a specific person.
4. Share with a friend. Sharing your troubles with someone who has the same problem can help. If you are both together in this, you can help each other out. Many anorexic people say, "You don’t understand", and they say it because it is true. People who are not anorexic do not understand. If you join a group of people who do understand, you can feel safe and start considering ways to recover.
5. Talk to a supportive person. Many times, taking to someone you trust can help you get the load off our back. Many girls with anorexia have problems related to control. Not eating is their way of protesting against someone in their life who is too controlling, as if they were saying, "At least you can't control what I eat". If they share their feeling with someone who is on their side and can reassure them that the controlling person is not OK, they can stop blaming themselves for this and feel better.
   
6. Imagine the worst-case scenario. If you have a problem, if you are worried about doing or not doing something, ask yourself, "What's the worst that can happen?" Sometimes, when you go all the way, you realize that the fear of the wolf is greater than the wolf itself.
7. Imagine the controlling person sitting on the toilet. Again, anorexia is a control issue. Many anorexic people have a controlling person that they try to get off their back and they find comfort in controlling the only thing they think they can control - food. Yet, the controlling person is just a person. Whenever you have an encounter with this person, imagine him or her sitting on the toilet an taking a poo. It will make it easy for you to see them as a human being and not as powerful and controlling.
8. Distance yourself from it. Many things we worry about today will not exist in two weeks, two months or two years. Ask yourself, "What will I think about this in 5 years?" It will probably mean nothing at all then. When my daughter worries about the score of one of her exams in 6^th Grade, I say, "Think about yourself in high school, having the time of your life in the school production. Do you think you'll remember that 5 years ago you got one 'C' in Geography?" She smiles and moves on to doing other things. It works. Try it. Take yourself 5 years into the future and many things will no longer matter.
9. Do something! Anorexia is a feeling of helplessness. If you get into the habit of doing something to fix or improve the situation, you will not feel helpless anymore. I ask all my clients at the end of every session to write 9 things they can do immediately to get them closer to their goals. Even if you move slowly, you are in motion and you are taking control of your actions.
10. Meditate. I know it sounds strange, but meditation is a very good way to regain control over your life. Meditation helps clear your mind and blocks the control that comes from the outside. Any form of meditation will do the trick. Find something simple that suits you.

When you clear worries from the system, it is much easier to switch to healing mode.

Be happy,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Anorexia: Exaggerated Perception
• The art of Excellence (3): Risk, success and happiness
• The art of Excellence (2): Fighting poverty

I have clients who are perfectionists and they know they are perfectionists. They have been to some form of counseling or have seen psychologists and they claim that things have become worse since they discovered their perfectionism. The label "Perfectionist" has allowed them to justify their behavior and that has increased the friction in their relationships even more.

Most of them came for life coaching when they reached rock bottom in their relationship due to their high demands when their wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, friends, work colleagues or even boss said, "Get lost!" and kicked them out of the relationship or left them.

In the previous post on perfectionism, I wrote about ways to assess whether you or your children are perfectionists. In this chapter, I will give you some tips to help perfectionists. If you want to use them to help a child, remember that your goal is to plant those thoughts into your child's mind or create circumstances that will help them overcome the fear that is associated with things not happening exactly the way they want them to.

1. When they finish a puzzle, a block tower, a Lego building or anything that can be reassembled, make fun of wrecking it. It helps kids learn that Mom and Dad are not mad at them for it.
2. Allow your kids to make a mess. You can have a place for mess - a sandpit outside, a table for finger painting. Let your kids play with their food. do you know how much fun it is to eat Jelly with your fingers? If you are worried, have a plastic sheet underneath the mess. Remember, everything can be wiped or washed in the dishwasher or washing machine, so is not worth fussing about it. If you cannot handle the mess, let someone else do it at first, and get involved gradually.
3. When you need to be on time at school, a meeting or an appointment, be prepared and plan your time well. Do not talk about being late as the end of the world. If you are in panic mode when you are late, that gives your kids the message they must not be late and makes them fussy about being late and demanding towards others who are late. If you are going to be late, take a deep breath, let the other party know and just be there as quickly as you can.
4. Encourage kids to be involved in activities that are not competitive and are not graded or judged. Choose activities in which they are measured on progress relative to themselves or by working in a team and achieving something together. Better yet, choose activities that are all about fun, like going to the pool, exploring nature or playing at the playground.
5. Give kids challenges without comparing them to others. If you are travelling to France and you give your child the task of finding 10 things you can do in Paris, it is a challenge, but the child cannot fail and there is nobody to compare with.
6. Avoid using the word "should" like the plague. This gives a message that there is a right and a wrong way to say, do and be, and perfectionist children (and adults) add it to their vocabulary and fear every time they say, do, think or believe in something they "shouldn't". The word "should" implies there are some external, absolute standards they must obey, when the world is really about personal preferences.
7. For the same reason, avoid using the words "have to", "need to", "ought to" and "must". Instead, use "maybe you can", "how about", "can I suggest" or "it might be better to".
8. Teach your kids to start conversations with others. Go over "conversation starters" with them. A good way to start a conversation is by asking questions like "How was your holiday?", "What did you do on the weekend?", "I watched Harry Potter 7 on the weekend. Have you seen it?", "It's so hot today", "It's freezing cold today" and even "Would you like to play?"
   The main idea is to find something you have in common with the person you start the conversation with and invite them into the conversation in a kind way. It is scary but possible.
   I gave a group of kids at a leadership camp the task to gather personal information about others in the group (that they had met for first time) or the leaders of the camp so they could use it to start conversations with them. It is amazing how quickly you can teach kids to work up the courage to do it. It was easier for me because they did it in a group, everyone knew everyone else was having the same challenge and everybody could say, "Ronit told us". It might take you longer than two days, but it is possible.
9. Change the order of the furniture in the house from time to time. Make it sound like you are exploring different ways of positioning things. Ask the perfectionist child for their opinion to make it easy to manage the change. Get them to help move things around themselves too.
10. Create monitored surprises. Perfectionists do not like surprises, so work with them on it. First, tell them you want to make them a surprise a week before the surprise day. When things work well, tell them 5 days before, and slowly reduce the time to telling them a day before and eventually, surprise them totally. Gradual adjustment is the key.
11. Play the game of "Three funny mistakes". At dinnertime, every member of the family tells the rest of the family, in turn (do not start with the perfectionist), about three mistakes they have made during the day as a funny story.
12. Share your weaknesses with your children so that they learn it is safe to have them. Most perfectionists have suffered from exposing their weaknesses and therefore choose to hide them. They need to believe this will never be used by others to humiliate them. Make sure no one in the family makes fun of them or bullies them for their weaknesses - it will only make them hide these more and prevents you from knowing there is an issue that needs to be addressed.
13. When in competition, talk to your children about the losing kid or the losing team to make them realize that the losers have feelings too. Help them see that in most competitions, there are many more losers than winners, which makes them part of the majority.
14. When your kids express expectations that are too high (of themselves or of others), help them realize that it is not realistic. Ask, "Do you know someone who gets perfect scores on all of their exams?", "Do you think it's possible to always, always, always be on time?" Emphasize the words "perfect", "all" and "always" to help them recognize they expect the impossible.
15. Put their accomplishments on display. Make a diary of accomplishments for them to use if they have doubts about their successes. Teach them to measure small achievements like making dinner, helping their siblings or meeting a challenge, successes that are self-rated or that requires kindness and not being perfect (we call them "emotional stretches").
16. Help them express their feelings or attach a feeling to their successes and challenges. Teach them to rate their emotions. When they say, "I feel like a failure", ask, "On a scale of 1-10, how much?" At first, they will say 10, but after a while, they will understand they do not really feel the same and start noticing the difference in their feeling, which will help them recognize the fear that triggers their perfectionism.
17. Agree on a signal with your child that tells them they are being perfectionists and could relax their expectations a bit.
18. Celebrate with your children 90% or 80% scores on their exams, so they will not think that you expect them to score 100%.
19. When you use behavioral management, do not use 100% as a point when they get a reward. If they need to clean the room, it does not have to be spotless for the room to be considered clean.
20. Teach your kids to enjoy the process. If they are frustrated with achievements, help them realize they have achieved a lot on the way. 3 years ago, Tsoof participated in a competition that he had spent a lot of time practicing seriously for. He and his teachers were very frustrated he did not win anything in the competition, because all of them thought he played much better than those who won. In the week following the competition, we focused on how much better he was playing the marimba after two months of practice as the real achievement, which made it easier for him to move on.

Competitions, scores and awards are stepping-stones on the long and exciting journey of life

I hope these tips will help you help your perfectionist child and if you need the help yourself, translate them into adult vocabulary and your own circumstances and make perfectionism a period in your life, not a lifestyle.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Perfect Child: Is your kid a perfectionist?
• More Control – Less Power
• Living in a Dress Rehearsal

As a life coach promoting happiness, I find myself talking a lot about perfectionism as an obstacle on the way to a happy life. After researching the science of happiness and seeing thousands of clients, including many parents and children, I can tell you that happiness and perfectionism cannot live in the same body. They are like the good and the bad wolves living in your body and when you feed one, the other one starves.

The problem with perfectionism is not only that perfectionists are not happy but also that those who are close to them are not happy either because of it.

Many grownup perfectionists started out as perfectionist kids. In my kids' assessments, I can tell if a child has a tendency towards perfectionism from age 3. Most people believe this cannot be helped. Some kids are born perfectionists and that is that, but I think this attitude makes our life much harder, because repeating this mantra guarantees there is nothing we can do about it.

Much like any other "disease", perfectionism can be cured and the best time to do it is during early childhood, before the child develops strong behavior patterns that are hard to change.

I also believe that the best people to cure child perfectionism are parents, because their love for their child will help them overcome the resistance.

The origin of perfectionism is fear. Perfectionists have a strong need to control life around them for some reason. Anything they, or other people, do that threatens that stability or control increases the fear and therefore increases the perfectionism.

Many parents react badly to a child who shows rigid thinking and reacts badly to changes. Unfortunately, that increases the fear and does not give a child the stability he or she is aching for. It is a cycle of bad reactions that helps nobody.

For parents to help, they need to be convinced that this behavior is going to be a huge obstacle to their child's good health and wellbeing, their relationships and their success in life.

If the parents are perfectionists themselves, they tend not to see the problem at all. Unfortunately, if this is the case, there is no cure. Perfectionist parents must first heal themselves before helping a child overcome perfectionism. After all, to cure perfectionism, there must be a desire to change.

Parents need to find if the child's behavior is a form of perfectionism, so I have compiled this list to help with that. If you want to assess yourself first, this will be very helpful for you too. To assess yourself, though, you need courage and honesty.

Please remember that for a person to be considered a perfectionist, he or she does not need to exhibit all of the behaviors on the list and does not have to exhibit them all the time, only most of them and more than once or twice.

Here is a list of perfectionist behaviors:

1. Perfectionists have high standards for themselves and others. They have high expectations, which are often unreasonable or impossible to achieve.
2. Perfectionists pay attention to details. This can be a good thing, but sometimes, after all the important things are covered, they keep focusing on little things.
3. Perfectionists have an "all or nothing" mentality. If they cannot do things perfectly, they do not see any point in doing them at all. Many times, people say they have lots of potential, which is true, but if they think they might not be able to achieve their high standard, they do not try.
4. Perfectionists procrastinate a lot, which goes together with their high expectations. If they think they will not be able to achieve something, they postpone doing it.
5. Perfectionists experience lots of anxiety. Their desire for things to follow their expectations is so high that anything that does not follow it creates anxiety.
6. Perfectionists are afraid to make mistakes, which contributes very much to their anxiety and avoidance.
7. Perfectionists have challenges with their relationships. They are very demanding, their behavior makes people avoid their company and in most of their relationships, the blame others and complain.
8. Perfectionists are highly competitive and constantly compare themselves to others. They define themselves in comparison to others. Not every competitive person is a perfectionist, so match this with other items on the list.
9. Perfectionists seem very unhappy and dissatisfied when good results, good scores and even very good achievements are not good enough. Since they are not perfect, they are no good.
10. Perfectionists are very critical.
11. Perfectionists show some compulsive behaviors, as they prefer things to be organized, predictable and stable. They need life around them to be consistent and adopt a lifestyle that consists of many routines.
12. Perfectionists do not take risks. Risks cannot be predicted by definition and they avoid doing things they cannot predict.
13. Perfectionists mainly focus on problems, difficulties and mistakes of themselves and others.
14. Perfectionists do a lot to hide their weakness. If someone knows something about a weakness they have, it is a sign for them they are not perfect, which they find hard to accept. They will hide it by having many justifications for their behavior and attitude.
15. Although perfectionists may tell others about their mistakes, they do not like it when others tell them about their mistakes and are very sensitive to criticism.
16. Perfectionists find it hard to be in the moment. Their mind is so future-oriented they find it hard to stop and enjoy the present.
17. Perfectionists are prone to depression.
18. Perfectionists consider love as conditional, so they find it hard to feel loved and often find it hard to express love.
19. Perfectionists consider their self-worth a result of their achievements. If the achievement is good, it is not enough. For them to be worthy, they need to be extremely high achievers.
20. Perfectionists consider things to be "right" or "wrong". They expect others to think the same and if they do not, they will invest a lot of energy to convince the others their way is the right way.
21. Because they have the "my way or the highway" mindset, they can often be seen as self-centered as they expect and demand those around them to fit in with their way of thinking.

Use this list as an assessment tool and measure the intensity of each behavior. Remember that the sooner you discover something, the sooner you can heal it.

Join me next time for how to help perfectionist kids.

Calm and happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Perfect Child: How to help perfectionist kids
• More Control – Less Power
• Living in a Dress Rehearsal

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift. The rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift
- Albert Einstein

Happiness depends a lot on which side of the brain we use. If you feel under pressure, your brain is telling you that you have been using your left brain to its maximum capacity.

85% of the time, we function using our left brain. We make sense of things, think of sequences, analyze language and meaning, interpret information and communication and absorb new facts from all around us. Although these functions are necessary to our life, the left side of our brain has its limits and uses pressure to signal that we need to let go and switch to using our right brain.

The left hemisphere of our brain functions like a sequential receiver and processor, while the right hemisphere is in charge of our imagination, sleep (dreams), memory, intuition and all of our creative functions. We absorb with the left side and create with our right side. The brain is like battery - the right side charges it and the left side uses the energy and empties it. Our goal is always keep our mental battery charged.

In our fast-moving world with way too much information, our brain reaches this point of pressure very often. This is when the brain pushes the "red alert" button and says "Enough! No more information. No more analyzing. No more thinking and no more talking!" If we ignore this signal, the sounds of the red alert and danger increase until we collapse or fall asleep from exhaustion.

Have you noticed you get tired very quickly under pressure? Sleep is a very good way to turn the left hemisphere off, which is why meditation works so well to help us relax. When your mother says, as mine did, "Go to sleep. Things will be much better in the morning", it is because she wants you to work with the brain, not against it.

The risk of not paying attention to the warning signs are that sometimes, we overload the left brain so much that hours of sleep cannot heal it and many normal functions of the brain get out of control. Anxiety is such warning sign. We have increased heartbeat and cold sweat. When we are under pressure, the body releases Adrenaline and Cortisol, making it harder for us to fall asleep or relax. When facing a stressful situation, these hormones block our thinking and prevent us from finding even simple solutions.

The best way to change the balance and turn off the warning signs is to use the right brain more. Fun things we enjoy and love doing can do this straight way. Laughing, dancing, listening to music, singing, doing art and playing with animals can make a huge shift in our level of pressure. If the things we do are easy and familiar, the shift is also very easy.

The use of the right brain releases endorphins, making us feel good. Endorphins are "feel good" chemicals that trigger fun, enjoyment, happiness and relaxation. These chemicals also fight illness very well, help us boost our immune system and handle pain better.

Happy people are healthier. When I learned that, I discovered that the best way to heal a sore throat was singing. I would put music in the car and sing out loud. While in the past, I'd had to take antibiotics for two weeks, singing only took two days.

Think about the left brain as an office serving customers constantly. Every officer needs breaks to go to the toilet, have a drink and go home for a rest at the end of the day before starting the next day refreshed.

Our ability to sleep can tell us how well we balance the use of our. People who fall asleep easily, anywhere have mastered the shift from one hemisphere to another. Those who find it hard to sleep overuse their left brain and find it hard to stop thinking, analyzing and collecting information.

The trick is to shift to the right brain straight away when you feel you are under pressure. If you hold on there for 2-5 minutes, the pressure will ease immediately.

Do you see the dancer turning clockwise or anti-clockwise?

Look at this spinning woman on the left. If you see her dancing clockwise, then you use more of the right side of the brain. If you see here dancing anti-clockwise, you use more of your left brain. Most of us would see the dancer turning anti-clockwise, because we use our left brain mostly. It is possible to shift the focus and change the direction, so try that.

Left brain and right brain difference

People are different and use one side of the brain more than the other. Yet, we all have to be able use the right side of our brain in order to be happy. Remember, the left side is draining and we have to be able to charge the batteries well.

How to use your right brain

1. Enjoy art - go to a gallery or a museum
2. Watch movies - go to the cinema or watch a movie at home
3. Have enjoyable sex - the more, the better
4. Do sports - any sport that moves your body and makes you feel happy is good
5. Be social - spend time interacting with friends and people you like
6. Listen to music - play familiar music you like and music that suits your mood
7. Have a pet - get attention, warmth and softness and give it too
8. Take photos - it is so much easier now with digital cameras
9. Sculpturing - you do not need much equipment or material to sculpt. Look up a recipe for salt dough and have a play
10. Cook or bake - just enjoy it! Make a mess and be creative, then eat!
11. Draw, paint and color in - with pen, pencil, watercolor, acrylic or oil paint (anything will do)
12. Read for fun - if you read for enjoyment, you are on the right side. If you read because you have to and you have to make sense of what you read, that is working the left side again, so be careful! Use fun and enjoyment as a way to monitor which side you are using
13. Imagine a happy future - this works like magic, as it shifts you straight away to the right brain and stimulates the "happy Chemicals" in your body
14. Dance - every form of dance is good, even if you do not know how to dance
15. Sing - the shower and your car are good places to sing without being too self-conscious. Or if you are in a better place emotionally, join a local choir or sing with the family
16. Read poetry - make sure it is easy and fun. If it is too complicated and requires lots of analyzing and thinking, you are using your left brain
17. Play board games - anything you consider a game shifts you to the right brain. Any game will do! Make sure it is fun. If it is not fun, it is not a game
18. Play kids' games - hide and seek, tag (tiggy), just use the kids as your excuse and join in the fun
19. Party - parties are right brain celebrations, because they involve lots of fun, lots of games and lots of happy interactions with people
20. Enjoy the outdoors - any walk on the beach, any hiking trip, any stroll in the park that is done for fun charges your batteries, not to mention it is good for your health
21. Travel - see new places, meet new people, be active and experience new things that make you happy and excited
22. Play with clay - just buy block of air drying clay and have fun with pottery
23. Do quilting - it is not the usage of the creation that counts but the time you spend being creative
24. Sew - use your sawing machine (if you have one) or just needle and thread to create something
25. Use you left hand - the motor function of the left hand is on the right side of the brain, so brush your teeth, write, pick up things and play ball with your left
26. For the fun of it, stand on your left leg for 2 minutes and try to stretch it for longer
27. Do Origami - try more and more complicated creations. Make sure the fun is still there. If you are frustrated, you are not in the right brain anymore
28. Learn to make 3D shapes - draw big letters, objects, buildings and other shapes and turn them to 3D. It will stimulate your visual perception, which is on the right side of your brain
29. Play with sand - on the beach or on the table. Use it as a cheap sculpting material by adding a bit of water to it
30. Do jigsaw puzzles
31. Build things from wood - carpentry is creative and fun
32. Play Sudoku - although many people think it requires thinking, it mostly uses our visual perception of shifting the visual focus from right to left and top to bottom using the right hand side of our brain
33. Change your routine - everything you do differently triggers the use of the right brain. Change a habit, shower in the dark, change the time you wake up, change the direction of your bed or rearrange the living room
34. Listen to classical music 10 minutes a day - this will boost your creative juices and help you stimulate the right hand side of your brain
35. Use mind maps - giving a visual presentation to a problem is half the way to solving it

Gal and I saw the video below on TED a few years ago and were extremely impressed with the way the presenter explained the way the two sides of the brain work. I hope you will be inspired to use your right brain more often after watching this, much like we were.

Although we have a natural tendency to use one side of our brain, it is important for us to be able to use the other one, mainly the right hemisphere. When we talk about stimulating the right brain to help us relax and think clearly, enjoying art, creating art and having fun are the keys to managing stress and allowing more happiness to enter our life.

Be Happy! Everyone can do it using the right side of the brain, and practice makes perfect (oops, that was left-brain reasoning...).

Ronit

You may want to read

• Emotional Summer
• Lessons in Patience
• Exploring Happiness

The problem with feeling bad is not so much that we find something hard to deal with, but that we have been brought up not to feel bad, so we feel really bad about feeling bad. That, of course, makes everything worse, because now, we are feeling bad about ourselves and blocking ourselves from processing and letting go of the original bad feeling.

When I was growing up, I was often told that only girls cried. "Take it like a man", people said to me and to all of my friends who were boys. The girls were not supposed to take it like men, but they were instructed not to bother others with their feelings and to "show their happy face" like "a good girl" should. So happiness was clearly good and resentment, anxiety, regret and sorrow were bad.

When Ronit and I lost our baby, the most natural thing for us to do was go back home to our parents, siblings and high-school friends for emotional support. But instead, everyone ran away from us, and when they were around us, it was awkward. Our grief was too hard for them to bear and they had no idea how to handle it. So not only did we mourn our dead son, we also felt lonely and rejected, simply because the people around us were brought up to hide bad feelings.

So today, I am here to liberate you, and I hope that by liberating you, you will go on to liberate other people in your life, until everyone feels OK about feeling bad.

My favorite philosophy is Taoism, which advises us to follow the natural forces and flow of things around us and to keep ourselves balanced at all times. In Taoism, nature is so much stronger than us humans there is really no point resisting it, so everything that is natural must be accepted. Our job is to find a good way to use it.

Taoism recognizes 5 elements - Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal and Water. Each element affects the others and all of them are needed for a balanced life. Favoring one of the elements (like favoring happiness) ultimately results in health problems. This is the foundation of Chinese medicine, kinesiology and other forms of healing.

The elements are also associated with the seasons. Spring is the wood season, a time of growth, movement, creation and change. It is always followed by summer, the fire season, a time when things ripen, strengthen and mature. Late summer is the earth season, a time when things are processed and converted, to be used later. Then always comes autumn, the metal season, a time of gathering, winding down and preparing for winter. Those who do not adapt to the change of seasons in autumn get sick or develop illnesses that will manifest themselves during winter. Finally comes winter, the water season, a time of closing, hiding and storage.

No matter how much we like the spring, it does not last forever and we eventually find ourselves in the summer. No matter how much we want to avoid it, winter always comes in nature, as does pain in our heart. But after winter, there is always spring again. In fact, preparing well for emotional winter and weathering it well makes for a wonderful spring.

According to Tearful Serenity: Crying Away the Stress, crying is our body's way of releasing stress chemicals and helping us relax. In fact, when you stress about being stressed, it makes matters worse and brings the tears out faster. The great thing about crying, though, is that without changing the stressful situation a bit, it somehow feels better and you feel relieved.

Of course, many emotions do not lead us to crying and many situations do not arouse strong enough emotions to bring out the tears, by the same principle still applies - dealing with our bad feeling is the best way to feeling good again. Pretending everything is OK only makes it worse. Criticizing yourself for feeling bad makes it worse still.

Timeline Therapy is based on the idea that at some point in our life, we had an experience that created a certain feeling or belief in us, such as "I'm not good enough". Since this often happens during childhood, we did not process that feeling or belief. Instead, we integrated it into our identity. Whenever something happens to us that seems like that original event, it reinforces our belief and strengthens our feeling. Throughout our life, we build a chain of these events and our bad feeling gets stronger and stronger.

In order to release a particular emotional burden, we can travel in our mind to the first time we ever felt that emotion or held that belief and experience from an adult perspective. Once we process the event and change how we interpret it, our feeling about it changes. We can then travel back to the present and other similar events along the way "pop" easily, leaving us with great relief and a different sense of who we are.

So you see, accepting all of our emotions as natural and processing them prevents us from getting stuck and limiting ourselves, sometimes for life.

Now, different people have different ways of coping with bad feelings. Some people cry, some need space, some talk through their issues and analyze them, some need to be cuddled, some meditate and some do an enjoyable activity or spend time with friends talking about "anything but". No matter how you choose to cope, find it out and do it.

And when others feel bad around you, remember that although they may cope differently from you, it is best to let them work through their issues than to make them feel bad about feeling bad. To be a good supporter, find out how they cope, encourage them to do it and help in any way you can.

Feeling better now?
Gal

You may want to read

• The Art of Misery (Advanced)
• Feelings are Things
• Switch

Fear is kind of the devil that casts a shadow on our life. I know many people who are in constant fear. If you ask them what they are afraid of, they are unable to explain. For some, it is just a pressure that they cannot identify and for others, it is more specific, but generally, you cannot fight anything you cannot define.

If we want to get rid of it, we must know what it is first.

Making a list of 100 fears can help you identify the blockages in your life. If you are unhappy with your achievements in some area and you dig deep enough, you will find there is fear associated with achieving more. If there is a destructive pattern in your behavior and you look at it closely, you will see it is rooted in some fear.

I tell my clients that this list is a big part of our action plan. If we want to achieve something, we must clear the way to it of all the things that are blocking us from making progress and fear is always at the source of those blockages.

As you may know from making other lists (see Make a List), writing down is a way for you to recognize what happens in your mind instead of letting it consume you. This is a private list, just for you, so be honest and do not be afraid to face your thoughts and feelings. That is the idea of this list, after all.

How to list your fears and overcome them

1. Write everything that comes into your mind quickly and without judgment. Even if it is a statement, a phrase or just a word, writes it down. The faster you write, the more fears will come out of your subconscious.
2. Skip old fears. We have all had fears that are no longer there and there is really no point in bringing them back to life.
3. If you are angry, your list is going to be different from when you are in a good mood. When we are upset, we are much more fearful (this is why we are upset). In that sense, it may be better to write down your fear list when you are upset. I am not sure everyone is able to do this, but if you can, you will probably find even more distressing thoughts than you normally would.
4. Do not be afraid of repetition. If things seem very similar to what you have already written, write them down anyway. This will help you find out what keeps your mind occupied the most. At the end, you can combine them into one big item with their collective importance.
5. Go over your life areas and find fears in each of them. What are your fears regarding health? Your health? Others' health? Money, relationships, career, friends, purpose and emotions (what feelings are you afraid to feel?).
6. When searching for fears, remember that anxiety, stress and confusion are versions of fear. Ask yourself "What worries me?", "What makes me stressed?", "What makes me feel confused?" At the root of each of the answers, there is some fear.
7. Rate your fears. Fears come in different strengths. Some of them are small and others are so big they are overwhelming. It is important to think of how much you are afraid of a particular issue. If you are just a little bit afraid of something, give it a 1. If you are really, really afraid, give it a 10. Rating is a very good technique in personal development that allows you to find the best areas to improve. You may find you have many fears rated 2-3, but the ones that stops you from being happy are in the 8-10 range. Focus on them first!
8. When you have completed your list, split your fears into life areas. This will help you discover which area is of most concern for you. Several of my clients wrote many financial fears. Once we worked through those, they all felt very relieved and quickly changed many other things in their life.
9. Next to each fear, try to write why you think you are afraid. More than spotting the fear, it is important to know what created it. Sometimes, something painful happened in the past was and you are afraid of feeling this pain again. Other times, your fear may have no connection to the past. For example, some people are afraid of losing their money not because they have lost money but because they have a belief that "good things don't last forever". Another example is a husband who is afraid his wife might have an affair with someone else. She has never done it, but he is afraid he may not be good enough (for her). The reason for your fear is important because the solution to the fear of a painful experience from the past is different from the solution to the fear based on a belief.
10. Your answers may reveal another fear. For example: I am afraid of Mr Dang. Why? Because he is very angry and I am afraid he will shout at me. Treat the reply as another belief and start over. Why am I afraid that Mr Dang will shout at me? Because I am afraid to feel humiliated. You can continue asking "Why?" until you find the source. In this example, the source can be a belief that kids do not like playing with someone the teacher yells at. So the underlying fear is of social isolation.
11. Another important thing you can find by asking "Why?" is who was the source of your fear. Many people find out that their fears were created by something their parents, siblings or other important people have said to them or about them and that they keep holding these fears long afterwards. It is important to find out who started your fears, because peoples' authority and the validity of their statements fades over time. For example, parents' words are not as important to a 35-year-old man as they are to a 5-year-old boy. Another reason is that circumstances change and while the original fear was appropriate at the time, it may not be relevant anymore. Even those people change and may no longer think the same way. For example, my parents were very afraid when I chose to start a business with my sister. They had had a bad experience mixing family and business and they did a lot to make me change my mind. At first, I was concerned, but decided to go ahead anyway. After two successful (and peaceful) years in business with my sister, their fear changed. Instead of saying, "every family business relationship is doomed to fail", they changed it to, "some family business relationships fail depending on the people involved".
12. The third part of asking "Why?" is to think of the circumstances that created he fear. I have a good financial example. While we had to be very calculated with our spending when we were a poor family with 7 mouths to feed, it was no longer the case when I started working and earned lots of money. So there was no point holding on to the fear that the money would run out. I lived in a different generation, I had a different partner, I had a profession, I had lots of savings and I did not have 7 mouths to feed, so I changed my fear to the belief "I have plenty of money. I have enough for a rainy day". That way, I was no longer afraid of money running out. When you find the fear circumstances and the time it was created, ask yourself, "How have circumstances changed since?" It will help you discover that there is always change. You have changed. You are not the same person. You have more skills, more experience, more support, more resources, etc.
13. Find at least one contradicting example that proves to you that your fear is not valid or real. For example, if I am afraid that I will not be able to submit my article to the editor on time, I recall plenty of times when I have sent articles on time to chase the fear away. Sometimes, just one example can shake the strength of the belief.

The process of changing your fears may be long and challenging, but it is very important. It involves recognizing your fears, finding their sources, shaking the fears and chasing them away, then swapping them with powerful, forward-facing and positive beliefs of love and happiness. This process never ends, because the fears never disappear and new circumstances breed new fears. With the list activity, some of them fade and are not strong and debilitating as much as they were before. Do not be afraid to try!

Have a nice and easy discovery process.

Be happy!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Make a list: Feelings I Want to Feel
• Make a List: Find your Happy-ism
• Emotional Summer

I thought this was serious enough to report to his school through a friend of ours, who is his teacher. "Speculation or not, the school should look into it", I said.

"No, it doesn't", said everyone else, "It's none of our business and if we bring up drugs as an option, he might get labeled as a user and suffer.

"Isn't it clear he's suffering already?" I pointed out.

"Yes, but maybe it's something different and we shouldn't butt in", came the answer and that was that.

This got me thinking about the issue of "troubled teens". When I was looking online for keywords related to Ronit's book, "Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers", the phrase "troubled teens" featured prominently as something many people (parents?) were searching for and that many websites were offering solutions to.

What is a troubled teen?

"Is Jonathan a 'troubled teen'? How would I know? If he is, what could be troubling him?" I wondered.

So I got online and searched for what defines troubled teens. Here is a (partial) list:

• Out of control
• Isolated
• New social circle
• Concealment
• Problems at school
• Eccentricity
• Drugs and/or alcohol
• Anxiety and/or depression
• Violence
• Negative body image
• Nervous breakdown
• Moodiness

(More on the excellent free site, Troubled Teens Help)

Our young friend Jonathan qualifies under several categories: isolation, concealment, school problems, eccentricity, moodiness, perhaps depression and possibly drugs.

Now, the list above is only one of symptoms, so what might be troubling young adults and cause them to display one or more of the symptoms listed?

Last week, I got a call from a couple of parents, whose teenage son was running away from home and school on a regular basis. They felt very helpless and did not know what they could do for their son. While I was talking to them, I did not hear a single word about what their son wanted, what might have been bothering him or what he has told them in conversation. I also heard nothing from these parents about any plans to take charge of the situation. It was all helpless desperation.

How troubled teens are made

My theory on this is simple. Troubled teens' parents have incorrect priorities in life and personal space issues.

What?!

Parenting priorities

Well, think of most (not all, but most) of the parents around you who have a teenager in the house. Do they work late? Do they spend little time with their teen children? Do they fight with them a lot? Do they insist on academic performance, manners and helping around the house? Do they try to limit their teen kids' time in front of the TV, the video games and the computer?

Think about it. If your teenager is moody, stops sharing exciting news with you, shuts their room door when you walk by, hangs out with kids you do not know, looks tired and even unhealthy and you worry about grades, do you have your priorities straight? If you spend a few more hours at work to keep the boss happy and possibly make more money, while your teenage child spends his or her time with other people doing God knows what, do you have your priorities in the right order?

Is there anything more important to you than your kids?

If anything serious should happen to your troubled teen, will it be any consolation to you that your boss was happy with your work?

Are we in agreement about the priorities issue yet?

Do not get me wrong here. In too many families today, the situation dictates longer work hours and longer commutes than were ever required just to make a living. Still, if your child owns and operates a latest model video game and hardly spends any time with his parents, something here stinks.

Quality time with a relaxed, accessible parent or two is not a luxury. It is a necessity.

Parenting and personal space for teens

Most of western society is based on ideas like human rights, personal freedom and personal choice. Unfortunately, too many people apply these ideas in situations where they are not applicable. Parenting, for instance.

By now, I am sick of seeing the following scene in movies and on TV: parent says something to teen, teen refuses, parent shouts at teen, teen shouts back, goes to room and slams the door in parent's face.

If this happened in my house and I thought the situation was serious enough, I would have no problem whatsoever entering my teen's room and doing whatever it took to sort things out. Sure, my kids might think I am nosy, bossy or obnoxious, but they always know I care and they are certain beyond a doubt that I will never leave them alone in a pinch.

The whole personal space issue with kids is based on the misconception that they can take care of themselves. What utter nonsense! Even legally adult kids nowadays know very little about taking GOOD care of themselves. Most of them still have not figures out important things in life, like their choice of career, their choice of life partner, their choice of lifestyle and so on. They are confused and afraid, and if their parents do not provide some order and structure in their life, they may very well fall to pieces.

By giving teens personal space to sort things out for themselves, we are actually standing by and witnessing their decline, while letting them down all the time.

If we love our kids, we must show it with our rules and our uncompromising values. We must bear the short-term struggles for the long-term safety and strong relationships with our dear children. If we do not do it, who will?!

What can you do as a parent?

So if it looks like your teen is no longer the cute and lovable creature he or she used to be and he or she is turning into an uncommunicative, moody, sloppy, indifferent, ill-mannered mess, get up and do something about it, even if it hurts at first. Open up your heart to your troubled teens, tell them how much you love them, tell them you will NEVER give up on them, tell them you will always be there to help them and force them to obey the rules in your house.

This blog is full of posts about communicating with your kids. There is even a video that will bring tears to your eyes and give you perspective. Arm yourself with good knowledge and win your troubled teen back, whatever it takes!

Oh, and if you know anyone who might need to read this post, why not send it to them? It may be easier for them to "hear" it from me.

Passionate parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts
• Lost in Translation
• When Good Parenting is a Luxury

Having sat through many school performances, I vividly remember my agony at the sight of one of my kids looking like they are having a hard time on stage. I am sure most parents in the work, if not all parents, have to endure this experience at some stage. Surely, you remember a time when your child had to recite or sing something and simply got stuck, eventually mumbling something nobody could hear, getting red in the face and running away as soon as the torture was over.

What is the point of all the rehearsals, the costs, the worries and the costumes, if in the end, the kids suffer and the parents suffer with them? We want to see them shine, right?

So I thought to myself, "I have to help him out. I need to show him a way to enjoy this gig and make the most out of his artistic time afterwards". Then, I remembered the State Triangle.

The State Triangle shows the relationships between our thoughts and feelings (mindset), our words (language) and our posture and actions (body language). Change on and the others will change.

Here are some examples you may recognize:

• Sweaty palms, stomach butterflies, weak knees and shaky hands at exam time - anxious thoughts reflected by your body
• Popular kids use confident language and stand proudly
• People with a victim mentality complain a lot, blame a lot and often look like they are trying to hide
• Kids on stage get lost for words and look awkward - what's on their mind?

Mindset to body language

So I took Tsoof for a walk around the neighborhood and said to him, "You know, your body acts out your thoughts and feelings. It's not something you can fight and it's not something you can fake. You have to get your inside right and the outside will be OK as a result, with no extra effort".

As it turned out, Tsoof was rehearsing with some kids who have been dancing since they could walk and who are attending special dance programs. Next to them, he was feeling clumsy, so he looked clumsy. He also worried about the choreographer changing the routine all the time and not being able to keep up with the changes.

I said to him, "I'll tell you a secret every parent knows. When you decide to dance, we are proud of you. When you are selected to perform, we are even prouder. When you do your best during rehearsals, we are prouder still. And when you perform on stage, we want the whole world to know you belong to us and we are somehow part of your magnificence, as long as you look like you're having a good time".

"When you dance, the audience doesn't know what you are supposed to do. The audience responds to your energy", I told him, "Doing all the wrong moves with a big smile on your face, looking like you are having a ball, is great. Looking intently at your feet, even if you're doing everything 'right' - not so great".

"What's more, if you go through rehearsal after rehearsal practicing low confidence and anxiety, by performance time, this is exactly what you'll be good at - having low confidence and being anxious. So practice a positive, energetic mindset and let the State Triangle take care of your body".

I suggested to Tsoof to spend a few minutes before each rehearsal imagining himself on stage with a big smile on his face, having done a marvelous job, and seeing us, his parents and sisters, beaming at him from the audience. He smiled.

By now, Tsoof has had a few years of coaching talk, so he caught on quickly. When I came to pick him up from his next rehearsal, he looked at ease and did a lot better.

If you ever need to do the same with your kids, it might take a bit longer and you might need some examples, especially when the kids are young. Nevertheless, when the thoughts and feelings are aligned with success, the rest will follow. Better yet, good results and good feedback make it a whole lot easier to shine next time.

How to discover mindset from language and body language

The State Triangle is a powerful tool for noticing our kids' attitudes, feelings and mood changes. By listening to the words they use and looking at how they stand and how they behave, we can tell a lot about their mindset. We just have to be aware of these connections and pay attention.

Our society is very media intensive. We get bombarded by sales pitches, direct or hidden, during way too much of our day. Commercials on radio and TV, daily magazine programs that are actually infomercials and even the news are all acted out for us. The emotions portrayed in them are not real.

Unfortunately, this gradually delivers the subtle message that being dishonest is OK and that we can use words to get ourselves out of any situation.

Recently, I started watching a series called "Lie to me", in which a group of psychology experts solve various crimes and fix difficult situations by paying close attention to people's words and body language. The series shows ways in which people try to lie on TV, in a board room or during interrogations. To me, the creation of this series signals that western society has reached the point of total distrust.

And we cannot have any of that at home, now can we?

Kids have many reasons of not telling their parents how they feel. When they are young, the do not have the words yet. When they are older, they may be ashamed. When they are teens, they "just want to be left alone", being all grown up and independent…

During my life coaching course, I had to sit with my eyes closed, while another person chose a feeling and portrayed it through his body language. The rest of the group then "sculpted" me to be a copy of the other guy, including facial expression. Then, I described his feelings to the group. When I had finished describing, the other man was astonished at the depth of information I got out of the posture and face.

The same happened later with others as we changed places.

If you are not sure what to make of your kids' body language, "get into it" yourself and notice how you feel. Then, you can ask them if what you are sensing is correct. Over time, they will develop both the awareness and the vocabulary to describe how they feel and what they think. Moreover, they will form an emotional bond with you, which is the best thing you could ever hope for as a parent.

How to change mindset through language and body language

Sometimes, it is difficult to change your thoughts. This is especially true with long habits and strongly emotional situations. In such cases, focusing on what you say, how you stand or sit and your facial expression can produce a change in your mindset, because they are so strongly linked.

For example, give a big smile. Yes, now. Can you also feel a tingle inside, a better feeling spreading? The act of smiling is subconsciously linked to being happy, so even when you force yourself to smile, you become happier, if only by a little bit.

This is powerful stuff, which you can use yourself and teach your kids. Say your kid feels insecure around some other kid at school. He or she can practice standing and walking around confidently, then go back to school and check out the difference.

One of the tricks we teach our kids is brushing bad feelings off. Using our hands, we brush imaginary dust particles off our shoulders and arms, symbolizing we are cleaning ourselves from the negative influence poured on us previously.

When making your suggestions, you can even demonstrate. Match your child's physical position, identify with the underlying feeling, then change your position slowly and invite your child to do the same. Together, anything is easier!

These things take practice, of course, but they work even when you do them roughly, as long as you pay attention. Sometimes, just your attention will do it for the kids…

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Troubled Teens: Disturbing Thoughts
• More Control – Less Power
• Questions, Questions

A month ago, Gal went to the doctor to remove a wound on his head that had not healed for a long time. The doctor removed a chunk of skin and a week later, when Gal came to take the stitches out, the doctor said, "It was cancer and I didn't take all of it out" (see Finding Cancer).

At first, we tried to digest the whole thing. I think the word "cancer" has so many bad connotations it took a while to realize what was happening. It is amazing how an hour before discovering a bit of information, people can live a normal life, but one minute after knowing, life changes completely.

It took us a while to decide what to tell the kids. The question was not relevant to our older daughter, because she had driven Gal to the doctor to have his stitches removed, but the younger ones still knew nothing.

We thought our 13-year-old son would freak out. After a week, Gal found a good time and gently told him about the whole thing. Surprisingly, he seemed to understand and showed no "side effects".

Telling our 7-year-old daughter took longer. A day before his scheduled surgery, Gal told her he was going to have surgery and was going to have some serious cuts and stitches on his head when he came back.

The second I saw Gal after surgery was scary. His head was covered with bandages, as well as the sides of his face down to his chin he was in pain. The next day, the nurse came to change the bandages and things looked better than we had thought, because Gal only had two long scars on the top of his head, although they were stapled and he looked like Frankenstein. I was happy the nurse wrapped his head again and could not decide which looked worse - the bandages all over his face and head or the staples?

When we came home, the kids gave Gal scared looks. They hugged him and looked worried. When we asked them about their feelings, they said nothing.

Two days after surgery and still in bandages, Gal was brave enough to go with friends to a restaurant for a feel good evening. The following day, the doctor took the bandages off and Gal came home with a bald head and the Frankenstein staples, and the kids looked at him even more worried, but still saying nothing.

On the fifth day, I was working with Noff on a workbook I had prepared for her with math, English and expression activities. She got to a page titled "Write a story". This is what she wrote:

My dad went to hospital and I was really really 111 Reallys scared when I saw his head

Although we knew she was scared, seeing it in writing made it so real and made me understand (again) that kids do not have the words to explain themselves easily. For 4 days, we had talked about Gal's situation, laughed about it, explained it and done a lot to get back to our routine, trying to treat the whole thing as being "better than the alternative" (which was easier to do after the lab results came back clean).

That evening, we were sitting in our spa and Gal asked the kids again what they felt, but they still could not say what was in their hearts. Only after more and more talking and encouragement, our 13-year-old son said "It looks scary" and then our young daughter said the same. As grownups, we were worried about the health implications, while the kids worried about the way Gal's head looked and whether it hurt (which it did).

Gal asked the kids if they wanted to touch his head and that made them feel a bit more at ease. Since then, we focused on Gal's quick recovery and the good news that he had the type of cancer that did not spread. We found ways for the kids to express themselves more and we are very lucky that the whole drama was short and life went back to "normal" (as normal as life can be after you go through this kind of thing).

Sometimes, kids' worries can occupy their little hearts without relief. We had asked and talked about "Daddy's head" for a few days, but Noff had been unable to express her feelings. It was only because of a coincidental activity that she told us how she felt. In such sensitive situations, parents and teachers hold the key to their kids' heart.

If your kids are worried about family members, friends or relatives (which I hope they never have to), it is important to allow them to express their feelings. Worries that are not expressed tend to get out of control and out of proportion.

How to encourage your kids to express themselves

1. Write each other letters and express your own feelings first
2. If your kids are still young, encourage them to draw
3. If your kids can use the computer, send them emails expressing your feelings and ask for theirs
4. Leave your kids notes and encourage them to do the same
5. Have family meetings in which everyone says something he or she worries about. We use dinnertime for our meetings so we have lots of meetings every week and they are great opportunities to have everyone around and share our thoughts and feelings
6. Find some one-on-one time in a safe and quiet place and gently bring the subject up with each of your kids
7. Bring some books from the library that deal with similar issues and read them with your kids
8. If verbal expression is a challenge, find a form of art to allow expression
9. Make yourself available by saying "When want to talk to me about it, I'm right here!"
10. Keep asking from time to time. Kids take time to understand new things and you will get a different answer every time. You can stop when your kids give you peaceful, collected answers after they have shared some feelings

You see, I am not sure kids have an easy life, because even small things like dad going out of town for work can create unnecessary worries and anxiety. Remember, kids are very fragile and do not understand life as well as you do, so do not allow them to bottle up and get themselves stressed.

Oh, and stay healthy, so your kids can have you with them as long as possible without having to worry…

Healthy parenting!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Top Parenting Bloggers Discuss (10): Parenting Tips
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.
• I See You

The belief about this unfortunate combination is so widely spread there are many buildings in the world without a 13^th floor, people do not go to work on Friday the 13^th and in USA alone, over 21 million people who fear it do not go to work, do not sign contracts and do not schedule any important event on this day.

Research done in England had found that, although people do tend to stay at home on Friday 13^th for fear of bad luck, there are more accidents on the road. Surprise, surprise, most of the accidents happen to people who believed something would happen to them. In other words, if people believe something bad will happen on Friday the 13^th, they suffer from anxiety and this affects their judgment and increases their chances of having an accident by 52%!

The origin of the belief is very old and the main reason we cannot tell the exact source is because there were also many old traditions believing that Friday the 13^th is actually a lucky combination.

The old Egyptians believed life was a spiritual journey with 12 levels. The 13^th level was the transformation to an eternal state of life. When people died on the 13^th level, they became superior and would live forever.

The ancients Germans believed that Friday was a lucky day, especially for marriage, because they believed it was the day of Venus, goddess of love and beauty.

In the Jewish tradition, Friday was and still a special day since God created man on Friday. Together with symbols of love and beauty in the Jewish tradition, people who die on Friday get a special mention as holy people. 13 is the age boys become man, there are 13 months in the Hebrew year (7 times out of 20) and 13 is the numeric equivalent to the Hebrew words "one" and "love".

Even in Tarot cards, the number 13, while symbolizing an ending, it also indicates a new beginning.

What beliefs do you have?

People adopt beliefs from their close surrounding as they grow up. Parents, close relatives and teachers are the most influential people in everyone's life. Beliefs regarding special dates have a huge influence on people's fears and behaviors and when kids are exposed to them, they will adopt them long before they are able to verify them. If Mom and Dad think there is spirituality on Friday the 13^th, the kids will adopt this belief and have a better feeling about doing things on that day. If Mom and Dad think there is bad luck on Friday the 13^th, the kids will adopt this believe just as readily and have fears associated with that day. The credibility of each of these beliefs is irrelevant.

As a parent, the main question you should ask yourself is "Which belief is better for my kids to have?" Knowing kids will believe anything you tell them and live by their beliefs, ask yourself if it is better to believe in good luck or bad luck.

Here are some ideas of good luck you can teach your kids. Remember, kids will believe anything you tell them. Even if you say something jokingly, they will smile and laugh, but deep inside, they will remember it every time it comes up.

I learned about the power of the self fulfilling prophecy from my mom, who grew up in a place where superstitious beliefs were transferred from mother to daughter, from father to son, although nobody knew their origins. Even when circumstances changed (like when people started flying in airplanes) and the beliefs were not relevant anymore, these people carried them over to the new circumstances. For them, those stories of magic were beyond life that no one ever questioned, but everyone adopted as part of daily life.

How to give your kids great beliefs

When my kids were born, I said to myself, "Why fight it? Isn't it better to use beliefs to my advantage? If kids believe everything I tell them about luck, I will tell them every possible belief to convince them they are the luckiest kids in the world".

Here are only some of the examples I have used over the years:

1. When Eden was about 5 years old, I bought her a special stone as a necklace and told her this is her lucky stone. Every time she felt she needed more confidence, she used to wear it - it worked magic.
2. Since my kids were babies, I have told them that if an eyelash falls, they can make a wish while they blow it away and their wish will be granted - it still works today.
3. I support the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus and their quest to make kids happy.
4. If you find a coin - it is a lucky coin.
5. When my kids get hurt or have some pain, I tell them their body is healthy and strong and will heal in no time (and give the place a kiss, because this really helps too).
6. When my kids are sick and have fever, I tell them it is wonderful their body is so great it is fighting the bacteria with fever and will get rid of the disease in no time, as long as they drink a lot of water.
7. I encourage my kids to pick a lucky number and whenever we see that number, I tell them it is their lucky number.
8. There were years when my kids have a lucky shirt or lucky shoes.
9. [This one is from my mom] I told my kids that if a bird poops on your head, this will be your lucky day.
10. Sometimes, I tell my kids, "Today is your lucky day".
11. On New Year's Eve, I tell my kids that every good thing they do on that day they will do all through the year (this is why people kiss on midnight - it is a sign they will kiss each other the whole year). So I encourage them to laugh, play and do as many good or fun things as they can.
12. I have told my kids about the "Genie of the Universe" who says, "Your wish is my command!" to every wish they have and I encourage them to expect good things in life and know the "Genie" will make them come true.
13. After learning Reiki, I told my kids they had magic in their hands. When I am hurt, I ask them to touch me and I say, "Wow, this feels so good, like magic".

There you have it: 13 beliefs of good luck!

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May today will be a happy Friday the 13^th for you!
Ronit

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