The problem with feeling bad is not so much that we find something hard to deal with, but that we have been brought up not to feel bad, so we feel really bad about feeling bad. That, of course, makes everything worse, because now, we are feeling bad about ourselves and blocking ourselves from processing and letting go of the original bad feeling.

When I was growing up, I was often told that only girls cried. "Take it like a man", people said to me and to all of my friends who were boys. The girls were not supposed to take it like men, but they were instructed not to bother others with their feelings and to "show their happy face" like "a good girl" should. So happiness was clearly good and resentment, anxiety, regret and sorrow were bad.

When Ronit and I lost our baby, the most natural thing for us to do was go back home to our parents, siblings and high-school friends for emotional support. But instead, everyone ran away from us, and when they were around us, it was awkward. Our grief was too hard for them to bear and they had no idea how to handle it. So not only did we mourn our dead son, we also felt lonely and rejected, simply because the people around us were brought up to hide bad feelings.

So today, I am here to liberate you, and I hope that by liberating you, you will go on to liberate other people in your life, until everyone feels OK about feeling bad.

My favorite philosophy is Taoism, which advises us to follow the natural forces and flow of things around us and to keep ourselves balanced at all times. In Taoism, nature is so much stronger than us humans there is really no point resisting it, so everything that is natural must be accepted. Our job is to find a good way to use it.

Taoism recognizes 5 elements - Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal and Water. Each element affects the others and all of them are needed for a balanced life. Favoring one of the elements (like favoring happiness) ultimately results in health problems. This is the foundation of Chinese medicine, kinesiology and other forms of healing.

The elements are also associated with the seasons. Spring is the wood season, a time of growth, movement, creation and change. It is always followed by summer, the fire season, a time when things ripen, strengthen and mature. Late summer is the earth season, a time when things are processed and converted, to be used later. Then always comes autumn, the metal season, a time of gathering, winding down and preparing for winter. Those who do not adapt to the change of seasons in autumn get sick or develop illnesses that will manifest themselves during winter. Finally comes winter, the water season, a time of closing, hiding and storage.

No matter how much we like the spring, it does not last forever and we eventually find ourselves in the summer. No matter how much we want to avoid it, winter always comes in nature, as does pain in our heart. But after winter, there is always spring again. In fact, preparing well for emotional winter and weathering it well makes for a wonderful spring.

According to Tearful Serenity: Crying Away the Stress, crying is our body's way of releasing stress chemicals and helping us relax. In fact, when you stress about being stressed, it makes matters worse and brings the tears out faster. The great thing about crying, though, is that without changing the stressful situation a bit, it somehow feels better and you feel relieved.

Of course, many emotions do not lead us to crying and many situations do not arouse strong enough emotions to bring out the tears, by the same principle still applies - dealing with our bad feeling is the best way to feeling good again. Pretending everything is OK only makes it worse. Criticizing yourself for feeling bad makes it worse still.

Timeline Therapy is based on the idea that at some point in our life, we had an experience that created a certain feeling or belief in us, such as "I'm not good enough". Since this often happens during childhood, we did not process that feeling or belief. Instead, we integrated it into our identity. Whenever something happens to us that seems like that original event, it reinforces our belief and strengthens our feeling. Throughout our life, we build a chain of these events and our bad feeling gets stronger and stronger.

In order to release a particular emotional burden, we can travel in our mind to the first time we ever felt that emotion or held that belief and experience from an adult perspective. Once we process the event and change how we interpret it, our feeling about it changes. We can then travel back to the present and other similar events along the way "pop" easily, leaving us with great relief and a different sense of who we are.

So you see, accepting all of our emotions as natural and processing them prevents us from getting stuck and limiting ourselves, sometimes for life.

Now, different people have different ways of coping with bad feelings. Some people cry, some need space, some talk through their issues and analyze them, some need to be cuddled, some meditate and some do an enjoyable activity or spend time with friends talking about "anything but". No matter how you choose to cope, find it out and do it.

And when others feel bad around you, remember that although they may cope differently from you, it is best to let them work through their issues than to make them feel bad about feeling bad. To be a good supporter, find out how they cope, encourage them to do it and help in any way you can.

Feeling better now?
Gal

You may want to read

• The Art of Misery (Advanced)
• Feelings are Things
• Switch

Fear is kind of the devil that casts a shadow on our life. I know many people who are in constant fear. If you ask them what they are afraid of, they are unable to explain. For some, it is just a pressure that they cannot identify and for others, it is more specific, but generally, you cannot fight anything you cannot define.

If we want to get rid of it, we must know what it is first.

Making a list of 100 fears can help you identify the blockages in your life. If you are unhappy with your achievements in some area and you dig deep enough, you will find there is fear associated with achieving more. If there is a destructive pattern in your behavior and you look at it closely, you will see it is rooted in some fear.

I tell my clients that this list is a big part of our action plan. If we want to achieve something, we must clear the way to it of all the things that are blocking us from making progress and fear is always at the source of those blockages.

As you may know from making other lists (see Make a List), writing down is a way for you to recognize what happens in your mind instead of letting it consume you. This is a private list, just for you, so be honest and do not be afraid to face your thoughts and feelings. That is the idea of this list, after all.

How to list your fears and overcome them

1. Write everything that comes into your mind quickly and without judgment. Even if it is a statement, a phrase or just a word, writes it down. The faster you write, the more fears will come out of your subconscious.
2. Skip old fears. We have all had fears that are no longer there and there is really no point in bringing them back to life.
3. If you are angry, your list is going to be different from when you are in a good mood. When we are upset, we are much more fearful (this is why we are upset). In that sense, it may be better to write down your fear list when you are upset. I am not sure everyone is able to do this, but if you can, you will probably find even more distressing thoughts than you normally would.
4. Do not be afraid of repetition. If things seem very similar to what you have already written, write them down anyway. This will help you find out what keeps your mind occupied the most. At the end, you can combine them into one big item with their collective importance.
5. Go over your life areas and find fears in each of them. What are your fears regarding health? Your health? Others' health? Money, relationships, career, friends, purpose and emotions (what feelings are you afraid to feel?).
6. When searching for fears, remember that anxiety, stress and confusion are versions of fear. Ask yourself "What worries me?", "What makes me stressed?", "What makes me feel confused?" At the root of each of the answers, there is some fear.
7. Rate your fears. Fears come in different strengths. Some of them are small and others are so big they are overwhelming. It is important to think of how much you are afraid of a particular issue. If you are just a little bit afraid of something, give it a 1. If you are really, really afraid, give it a 10. Rating is a very good technique in personal development that allows you to find the best areas to improve. You may find you have many fears rated 2-3, but the ones that stops you from being happy are in the 8-10 range. Focus on them first!
8. When you have completed your list, split your fears into life areas. This will help you discover which area is of most concern for you. Several of my clients wrote many financial fears. Once we worked through those, they all felt very relieved and quickly changed many other things in their life.
9. Next to each fear, try to write why you think you are afraid. More than spotting the fear, it is important to know what created it. Sometimes, something painful happened in the past was and you are afraid of feeling this pain again. Other times, your fear may have no connection to the past. For example, some people are afraid of losing their money not because they have lost money but because they have a belief that "good things don't last forever". Another example is a husband who is afraid his wife might have an affair with someone else. She has never done it, but he is afraid he may not be good enough (for her). The reason for your fear is important because the solution to the fear of a painful experience from the past is different from the solution to the fear based on a belief.
10. Your answers may reveal another fear. For example: I am afraid of Mr Dang. Why? Because he is very angry and I am afraid he will shout at me. Treat the reply as another belief and start over. Why am I afraid that Mr Dang will shout at me? Because I am afraid to feel humiliated. You can continue asking "Why?" until you find the source. In this example, the source can be a belief that kids do not like playing with someone the teacher yells at. So the underlying fear is of social isolation.
11. Another important thing you can find by asking "Why?" is who was the source of your fear. Many people find out that their fears were created by something their parents, siblings or other important people have said to them or about them and that they keep holding these fears long afterwards. It is important to find out who started your fears, because peoples' authority and the validity of their statements fades over time. For example, parents' words are not as important to a 35-year-old man as they are to a 5-year-old boy. Another reason is that circumstances change and while the original fear was appropriate at the time, it may not be relevant anymore. Even those people change and may no longer think the same way. For example, my parents were very afraid when I chose to start a business with my sister. They had had a bad experience mixing family and business and they did a lot to make me change my mind. At first, I was concerned, but decided to go ahead anyway. After two successful (and peaceful) years in business with my sister, their fear changed. Instead of saying, "every family business relationship is doomed to fail", they changed it to, "some family business relationships fail depending on the people involved".
12. The third part of asking "Why?" is to think of the circumstances that created he fear. I have a good financial example. While we had to be very calculated with our spending when we were a poor family with 7 mouths to feed, it was no longer the case when I started working and earned lots of money. So there was no point holding on to the fear that the money would run out. I lived in a different generation, I had a different partner, I had a profession, I had lots of savings and I did not have 7 mouths to feed, so I changed my fear to the belief "I have plenty of money. I have enough for a rainy day". That way, I was no longer afraid of money running out. When you find the fear circumstances and the time it was created, ask yourself, "How have circumstances changed since?" It will help you discover that there is always change. You have changed. You are not the same person. You have more skills, more experience, more support, more resources, etc.
13. Find at least one contradicting example that proves to you that your fear is not valid or real. For example, if I am afraid that I will not be able to submit my article to the editor on time, I recall plenty of times when I have sent articles on time to chase the fear away. Sometimes, just one example can shake the strength of the belief.

The process of changing your fears may be long and challenging, but it is very important. It involves recognizing your fears, finding their sources, shaking the fears and chasing them away, then swapping them with powerful, forward-facing and positive beliefs of love and happiness. This process never ends, because the fears never disappear and new circumstances breed new fears. With the list activity, some of them fade and are not strong and debilitating as much as they were before. Do not be afraid to try!

Have a nice and easy discovery process.

Be happy!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Make a list: Feelings I Want to Feel
• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Make a list: Things that Make Me Happy

I thought this was serious enough to report to his school through a friend of ours, who is his teacher. "Speculation or not, the school should look into it", I said.

"No, it doesn't", said everyone else, "It's none of our business and if we bring up drugs as an option, he might get labeled as a user and suffer.

"Isn't it clear he's suffering already?" I pointed out.

"Yes, but maybe it's something different and we shouldn't butt in", came the answer and that was that.

This got me thinking about the issue of "troubled teens". When I was looking online for keywords related to Ronit's book, "Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers", the phrase "troubled teens" featured prominently as something many people (parents?) were searching for and that many websites were offering solutions to.

What is a troubled teen?

"Is Jonathan a 'troubled teen'? How would I know? If he is, what could be troubling him?" I wondered.

So I got online and searched for what defines troubled teens. Here is a (partial) list:

• Out of control
• Isolated
• New social circle
• Concealment
• Problems at school
• Eccentricity
• Drugs and/or alcohol
• Anxiety and/or depression
• Violence
• Negative body image
• Nervous breakdown
• Moodiness

(More on the excellent free site, Troubled Teens Help)

Our young friend Jonathan qualifies under several categories: isolation, concealment, school problems, eccentricity, moodiness, perhaps depression and possibly drugs.

Now, the list above is only one of symptoms, so what might be troubling young adults and cause them to display one or more of the symptoms listed?

Last week, I got a call from a couple of parents, whose teenage son was running away from home and school on a regular basis. They felt very helpless and did not know what they could do for their son. While I was talking to them, I did not hear a single word about what their son wanted, what might have been bothering him or what he has told them in conversation. I also heard nothing from these parents about any plans to take charge of the situation. It was all helpless desperation.

How troubled teens are made

My theory on this is simple. Troubled teens' parents have incorrect priorities in life and personal space issues.

What?!

Parenting priorities

Well, think of most (not all, but most) of the parents around you who have a teenager in the house. Do they work late? Do they spend little time with their teen children? Do they fight with them a lot? Do they insist on academic performance, manners and helping around the house? Do they try to limit their teen kids' time in front of the TV, the video games and the computer?

Think about it. If your teenager is moody, stops sharing exciting news with you, shuts their room door when you walk by, hangs out with kids you do not know, looks tired and even unhealthy and you worry about grades, do you have your priorities straight? If you spend a few more hours at work to keep the boss happy and possibly make more money, while your teenage child spends his or her time with other people doing God knows what, do you have your priorities in the right order?

Is there anything more important to you than your kids?

If anything serious should happen to your troubled teen, will it be any consolation to you that your boss was happy with your work?

Are we in agreement about the priorities issue yet?

Do not get me wrong here. In too many families today, the situation dictates longer work hours and longer commutes than were ever required just to make a living. Still, if your child owns and operates a latest model video game and hardly spends any time with his parents, something here stinks.

Quality time with a relaxed, accessible parent or two is not a luxury. It is a necessity.

Parenting and personal space for teens

Most of western society is based on ideas like human rights, personal freedom and personal choice. Unfortunately, too many people apply these ideas in situations where they are not applicable. Parenting, for instance.

By now, I am sick of seeing the following scene in movies and on TV: parent says something to teen, teen refuses, parent shouts at teen, teen shouts back, goes to room and slams the door in parent's face.

If this happened in my house and I thought the situation was serious enough, I would have no problem whatsoever entering my teen's room and doing whatever it took to sort things out. Sure, my kids might think I am nosy, bossy or obnoxious, but they always know I care and they are certain beyond a doubt that I will never leave them alone in a pinch.

The whole personal space issue with kids is based on the misconception that they can take care of themselves. What utter nonsense! Even legally adult kids nowadays know very little about taking GOOD care of themselves. Most of them still have not figures out important things in life, like their choice of career, their choice of life partner, their choice of lifestyle and so on. They are confused and afraid, and if their parents do not provide some order and structure in their life, they may very well fall to pieces.

By giving teens personal space to sort things out for themselves, we are actually standing by and witnessing their decline, while letting them down all the time.

If we love our kids, we must show it with our rules and our uncompromising values. We must bear the short-term struggles for the long-term safety and strong relationships with our dear children. If we do not do it, who will?!

What can you do as a parent?

So if it looks like your teen is no longer the cute and lovable creature he or she used to be and he or she is turning into an uncommunicative, moody, sloppy, indifferent, ill-mannered mess, get up and do something about it, even if it hurts at first. Open up your heart to your troubled teens, tell them how much you love them, tell them you will NEVER give up on them, tell them you will always be there to help them and force them to obey the rules in your house.

This blog is full of posts about communicating with your kids. There is even a video that will bring tears to your eyes and give you perspective. Arm yourself with good knowledge and win your troubled teen back, whatever it takes!

Oh, and if you know anyone who might need to read this post, why not send it to them? It may be easier for them to "hear" it from me.

Passionate parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• Lost in Translation
• When Good Parenting is a Luxury
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model

Having sat through many school performances, I vividly remember my agony at the sight of one of my kids looking like they are having a hard time on stage. I am sure most parents in the work, if not all parents, have to endure this experience at some stage. Surely, you remember a time when your child had to recite or sing something and simply got stuck, eventually mumbling something nobody could hear, getting red in the face and running away as soon as the torture was over.

What is the point of all the rehearsals, the costs, the worries and the costumes, if in the end, the kids suffer and the parents suffer with them? We want to see them shine, right?

So I thought to myself, "I have to help him out. I need to show him a way to enjoy this gig and make the most out of his artistic time afterwards". Then, I remembered the State Triangle.

The State Triangle shows the relationships between our thoughts and feelings (mindset), our words (language) and our posture and actions (body language). Change on and the others will change.

Here are some examples you may recognize:

• Sweaty palms, stomach butterflies, weak knees and shaky hands at exam time - anxious thoughts reflected by your body
• Popular kids use confident language and stand proudly
• People with a victim mentality complain a lot, blame a lot and often look like they are trying to hide
• Kids on stage get lost for words and look awkward - what's on their mind?

Mindset to body language

So I took Tsoof for a walk around the neighborhood and said to him, "You know, your body acts out your thoughts and feelings. It's not something you can fight and it's not something you can fake. You have to get your inside right and the outside will be OK as a result, with no extra effort".

As it turned out, Tsoof was rehearsing with some kids who have been dancing since they could walk and who are attending special dance programs. Next to them, he was feeling clumsy, so he looked clumsy. He also worried about the choreographer changing the routine all the time and not being able to keep up with the changes.

I said to him, "I'll tell you a secret every parent knows. When you decide to dance, we are proud of you. When you are selected to perform, we are even prouder. When you do your best during rehearsals, we are prouder still. And when you perform on stage, we want the whole world to know you belong to us and we are somehow part of your magnificence, as long as you look like you're having a good time".

"When you dance, the audience doesn't know what you are supposed to do. The audience responds to your energy", I told him, "Doing all the wrong moves with a big smile on your face, looking like you are having a ball, is great. Looking intently at your feet, even if you're doing everything 'right' - not so great".

"What's more, if you go through rehearsal after rehearsal practicing low confidence and anxiety, by performance time, this is exactly what you'll be good at - having low confidence and being anxious. So practice a positive, energetic mindset and let the State Triangle take care of your body".

I suggested to Tsoof to spend a few minutes before each rehearsal imagining himself on stage with a big smile on his face, having done a marvelous job, and seeing us, his parents and sisters, beaming at him from the audience. He smiled.

By now, Tsoof has had a few years of coaching talk, so he caught on quickly. When I came to pick him up from his next rehearsal, he looked at ease and did a lot better.

If you ever need to do the same with your kids, it might take a bit longer and you might need some examples, especially when the kids are young. Nevertheless, when the thoughts and feelings are aligned with success, the rest will follow. Better yet, good results and good feedback make it a whole lot easier to shine next time.

How to discover mindset from language and body language

The State Triangle is a powerful tool for noticing our kids' attitudes, feelings and mood changes. By listening to the words they use and looking at how they stand and how they behave, we can tell a lot about their mindset. We just have to be aware of these connections and pay attention.

Our society is very media intensive. We get bombarded by sales pitches, direct or hidden, during way too much of our day. Commercials on radio and TV, daily magazine programs that are actually infomercials and even the news are all acted out for us. The emotions portrayed in them are not real.

Unfortunately, this gradually delivers the subtle message that being dishonest is OK and that we can use words to get ourselves out of any situation.

Recently, I started watching a series called "Lie to me", in which a group of psychology experts solve various crimes and fix difficult situations by paying close attention to people's words and body language. The series shows ways in which people try to lie on TV, in a board room or during interrogations. To me, the creation of this series signals that western society has reached the point of total distrust.

And we cannot have any of that at home, now can we?

Kids have many reasons of not telling their parents how they feel. When they are young, the do not have the words yet. When they are older, they may be ashamed. When they are teens, they "just want to be left alone", being all grown up and independent…

During my life coaching course, I had to sit with my eyes closed, while another person chose a feeling and portrayed it through his body language. The rest of the group then "sculpted" me to be a copy of the other guy, including facial expression. Then, I described his feelings to the group. When I had finished describing, the other man was astonished at the depth of information I got out of the posture and face.

The same happened later with others as we changed places.

If you are not sure what to make of your kids' body language, "get into it" yourself and notice how you feel. Then, you can ask them if what you are sensing is correct. Over time, they will develop both the awareness and the vocabulary to describe how they feel and what they think. Moreover, they will form an emotional bond with you, which is the best thing you could ever hope for as a parent.

How to change mindset through language and body language

Sometimes, it is difficult to change your thoughts. This is especially true with long habits and strongly emotional situations. In such cases, focusing on what you say, how you stand or sit and your facial expression can produce a change in your mindset, because they are so strongly linked.

For example, give a big smile. Yes, now. Can you also feel a tingle inside, a better feeling spreading? The act of smiling is subconsciously linked to being happy, so even when you force yourself to smile, you become happier, if only by a little bit.

This is powerful stuff, which you can use yourself and teach your kids. Say your kid feels insecure around some other kid at school. He or she can practice standing and walking around confidently, then go back to school and check out the difference.

One of the tricks we teach our kids is brushing bad feelings off. Using our hands, we brush imaginary dust particles off our shoulders and arms, symbolizing we are cleaning ourselves from the negative influence poured on us previously.

When making your suggestions, you can even demonstrate. Match your child's physical position, identify with the underlying feeling, then change your position slowly and invite your child to do the same. Together, anything is easier!

These things take practice, of course, but they work even when you do them roughly, as long as you pay attention. Sometimes, just your attention will do it for the kids…

Happy parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• More Control – Less Power
• Questions, Questions
• Assume Coaching Position

A month ago, Gal went to the doctor to remove a wound on his head that had not healed for a long time. The doctor removed a chunk of skin and a week later, when Gal came to take the stitches out, the doctor said, "It was cancer and I didn't take all of it out" (see Finding Cancer).

At first, we tried to digest the whole thing. I think the word "cancer" has so many bad connotations it took a while to realize what was happening. It is amazing how an hour before discovering a bit of information, people can live a normal life, but one minute after knowing, life changes completely.

It took us a while to decide what to tell the kids. The question was not relevant to our older daughter, because she had driven Gal to the doctor to have his stitches removed, but the younger ones still knew nothing.

We thought our 13-year-old son would freak out. After a week, Gal found a good time and gently told him about the whole thing. Surprisingly, he seemed to understand and showed no "side effects".

Telling our 7-year-old daughter took longer. A day before his scheduled surgery, Gal told her he was going to have surgery and was going to have some serious cuts and stitches on his head when he came back.

The second I saw Gal after surgery was scary. His head was covered with bandages, as well as the sides of his face down to his chin he was in pain. The next day, the nurse came to change the bandages and things looked better than we had thought, because Gal only had two long scars on the top of his head, although they were stapled and he looked like Frankenstein. I was happy the nurse wrapped his head again and could not decide which looked worse - the bandages all over his face and head or the staples?

When we came home, the kids gave Gal scared looks. They hugged him and looked worried. When we asked them about their feelings, they said nothing.

Two days after surgery and still in bandages, Gal was brave enough to go with friends to a restaurant for a feel good evening. The following day, the doctor took the bandages off and Gal came home with a bald head and the Frankenstein staples, and the kids looked at him even more worried, but still saying nothing.

On the fifth day, I was working with Noff on a workbook I had prepared for her with math, English and expression activities. She got to a page titled "Write a story". This is what she wrote:

My dad went to hospital and I was really really 111 Reallys scared when I saw his head

Although we knew she was scared, seeing it in writing made it so real and made me understand (again) that kids do not have the words to explain themselves easily. For 4 days, we had talked about Gal's situation, laughed about it, explained it and done a lot to get back to our routine, trying to treat the whole thing as being "better than the alternative" (which was easier to do after the lab results came back clean).

That evening, we were sitting in our spa and Gal asked the kids again what they felt, but they still could not say what was in their hearts. Only after more and more talking and encouragement, our 13-year-old son said "It looks scary" and then our young daughter said the same. As grownups, we were worried about the health implications, while the kids worried about the way Gal's head looked and whether it hurt (which it did).

Gal asked the kids if they wanted to touch his head and that made them feel a bit more at ease. Since then, we focused on Gal's quick recovery and the good news that he had the type of cancer that did not spread. We found ways for the kids to express themselves more and we are very lucky that the whole drama was short and life went back to "normal" (as normal as life can be after you go through this kind of thing).

Sometimes, kids' worries can occupy their little hearts without relief. We had asked and talked about "Daddy's head" for a few days, but Noff had been unable to express her feelings. It was only because of a coincidental activity that she told us how she felt. In such sensitive situations, parents and teachers hold the key to their kids' heart.

If your kids are worried about family members, friends or relatives (which I hope they never have to), it is important to allow them to express their feelings. Worries that are not expressed tend to get out of control and out of proportion.

How to encourage your kids to express themselves

1. Write each other letters and express your own feelings first
2. If your kids are still young, encourage them to draw
3. If your kids can use the computer, send them emails expressing your feelings and ask for theirs
4. Leave your kids notes and encourage them to do the same
5. Have family meetings in which everyone says something he or she worries about. We use dinnertime for our meetings so we have lots of meetings every week and they are great opportunities to have everyone around and share our thoughts and feelings
6. Find some one-on-one time in a safe and quiet place and gently bring the subject up with each of your kids
7. Bring some books from the library that deal with similar issues and read them with your kids
8. If verbal expression is a challenge, find a form of art to allow expression
9. Make yourself available by saying "When want to talk to me about it, I'm right here!"
10. Keep asking from time to time. Kids take time to understand new things and you will get a different answer every time. You can stop when your kids give you peaceful, collected answers after they have shared some feelings

You see, I am not sure kids have an easy life, because even small things like dad going out of town for work can create unnecessary worries and anxiety. Remember, kids are very fragile and do not understand life as well as you do, so do not allow them to bottle up and get themselves stressed.

Oh, and stay healthy, so your kids can have you with them as long as possible without having to worry…

Healthy parenting!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Top Parenting Bloggers Discuss (10): Parenting Tips
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.
• More Control – Less Power

The belief about this unfortunate combination is so widely spread there are many buildings in the world without a 13^th floor, people do not go to work on Friday the 13^th and in USA alone, over 21 million people who fear it do not go to work, do not sign contracts and do not schedule any important event on this day.

Research done in England had found that, although people do tend to stay at home on Friday 13^th for fear of bad luck, there are more accidents on the road. Surprise, surprise, most of the accidents happen to people who believed something would happen to them. In other words, if people believe something bad will happen on Friday the 13^th, they suffer from anxiety and this affects their judgment and increases their chances of having an accident by 52%!

The origin of the belief is very old and the main reason we cannot tell the exact source is because there were also many old traditions believing that Friday the 13^th is actually a lucky combination.

The old Egyptians believed life was a spiritual journey with 12 levels. The 13^th level was the transformation to an eternal state of life. When people died on the 13^th level, they became superior and would live forever.

The ancients Germans believed that Friday was a lucky day, especially for marriage, because they believed it was the day of Venus, goddess of love and beauty.

In the Jewish tradition, Friday was and still a special day since God created man on Friday. Together with symbols of love and beauty in the Jewish tradition, people who die on Friday get a special mention as holy people. 13 is the age boys become man, there are 13 months in the Hebrew year (7 times out of 20) and 13 is the numeric equivalent to the Hebrew words "one" and "love".

Even in Tarot cards, the number 13, while symbolizing an ending, it also indicates a new beginning.

What beliefs do you have?

People adopt beliefs from their close surrounding as they grow up. Parents, close relatives and teachers are the most influential people in everyone's life. Beliefs regarding special dates have a huge influence on people's fears and behaviors and when kids are exposed to them, they will adopt them long before they are able to verify them. If Mom and Dad think there is spirituality on Friday the 13^th, the kids will adopt this belief and have a better feeling about doing things on that day. If Mom and Dad think there is bad luck on Friday the 13^th, the kids will adopt this believe just as readily and have fears associated with that day. The credibility of each of these beliefs is irrelevant.

As a parent, the main question you should ask yourself is "Which belief is better for my kids to have?" Knowing kids will believe anything you tell them and live by their beliefs, ask yourself if it is better to believe in good luck or bad luck.

Here are some ideas of good luck you can teach your kids. Remember, kids will believe anything you tell them. Even if you say something jokingly, they will smile and laugh, but deep inside, they will remember it every time it comes up.

I learned about the power of the self fulfilling prophecy from my mom, who grew up in a place where superstitious beliefs were transferred from mother to daughter, from father to son, although nobody knew their origins. Even when circumstances changed (like when people started flying in airplanes) and the beliefs were not relevant anymore, these people carried them over to the new circumstances. For them, those stories of magic were beyond life that no one ever questioned, but everyone adopted as part of daily life.

How to give your kids great beliefs

When my kids were born, I said to myself, "Why fight it? Isn't it better to use beliefs to my advantage? If kids believe everything I tell them about luck, I will tell them every possible belief to convince them they are the luckiest kids in the world".

Here are only some of the examples I have used over the years:

1. When Eden was about 5 years old, I bought her a special stone as a necklace and told her this is her lucky stone. Every time she felt she needed more confidence, she used to wear it - it worked magic.
2. Since my kids were babies, I have told them that if an eyelash falls, they can make a wish while they blow it away and their wish will be granted - it still works today.
3. I support the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus and their quest to make kids happy.
4. If you find a coin - it is a lucky coin.
5. When my kids get hurt or have some pain, I tell them their body is healthy and strong and will heal in no time (and give the place a kiss, because this really helps too).
6. When my kids are sick and have fever, I tell them it is wonderful their body is so great it is fighting the bacteria with fever and will get rid of the disease in no time, as long as they drink a lot of water.
7. I encourage my kids to pick a lucky number and whenever we see that number, I tell them it is their lucky number.
8. There were years when my kids have a lucky shirt or lucky shoes.
9. [This one is from my mom] I told my kids that if a bird poops on your head, this will be your lucky day.
10. Sometimes, I tell my kids, "Today is your lucky day".
11. On New Year's Eve, I tell my kids that every good thing they do on that day they will do all through the year (this is why people kiss on midnight - it is a sign they will kiss each other the whole year). So I encourage them to laugh, play and do as many good or fun things as they can.
12. I have told my kids about the "Genie of the Universe" who says, "Your wish is my command!" to every wish they have and I encourage them to expect good things in life and know the "Genie" will make them come true.
13. After learning Reiki, I told my kids they had magic in their hands. When I am hurt, I ask them to touch me and I say, "Wow, this feels so good, like magic".

There you have it: 13 beliefs of good luck!

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If you have any more ideas for good luck, share them with all the readers in the comment box below.

May today will be a happy Friday the 13^th for you!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Living in a Dress Rehearsal
• Make a List: My Fears
• A Little Bit Unhappy

Unfortunately, many kids are not treated seriously when they express their fears and this makes them even more afraid. Fear has many faces and symptoms and when it is not handled well, it can get out of proportion and lead to growing up with anxiety, panic attacks and depression.

Kids express fears of many different things. Here are examples of things kids are afraid of:

1. I am afraid of the dark
2. I am afraid of monsters under my bed
3. I am afraid of spiders (snakes, dogs, etc)
4. I am afraid of bad dreams
5. I am afraid of shadows
6. I am afraid of thunder and lightning
7. I am afraid of strangers
8. I am afraid of drowning
9. I am afraid to stay by myself
10. I am afraid when Mom and Dad fight
11. I am afraid of being punished
12. I am afraid something bad might happen to me or to someone in my family
13. I am afraid of what people might say
14. I am afraid of getting hurt
15. I am afraid I might fail
16. I am afraid to speak in front of people
17. I am afraid I won't know what to say
18. I am afraid I won't know what to do

If we want to help our kids, it is important for us as parents to detect when our kids are afraid and to discover what they are afraid of specifically.

The symptoms of fears are uncomfortable feelings in the stomach, cold sweat, dry mouth, tears, "weak knees" and sometimes even a physical illness.

Some of the kids' fears are based on their lack of knowledge and experience. Those things will change over time, as long you do not belittle your kids and make fun of their feelings. If they tell you they are afraid of dragons, resist saying, "Dragons aren't real" and bring your kids some books or videos about funny dragons instead.

Other fears come from exposure to movies, books and horrible stories that are unreal or grossly exaggerated. For example: watching movies about aliens kidnapping humans might cause your kids to be afraid of being kidnapped.

I would recommend limiting the exposure to unrealistic or exaggerated movies and stories to a time when the kids can understand they are not real. Be guided by the movie's rating (I was shocked to hear a group of 11-year-olds who came to sleep over at our house discussing "The Sixth Sense"). When you feel a movie might scare your kids, talk to them about it and field any concerns before they grow too big.

Some fears come from exposure to sad events of other people. People getting hurt might create fears of getting hurt. Friends' parents separating might create fears of parents fighting as a lead-up to separation. Close people getting sick might create fears of getting sick too.

Talk to your kids about these events and find ways to reassure them they will be fine. If it is fears of separation, reassure them that, although you have conflicts, you love each other very much. When the kids are around, hug and show affection to each other and avoid arguing. If they are afraid of getting sick, talk to them about what they can do to stay healthy: eat well, drink lots of water, sleep well and, of course, think happy thoughts!

Some fears are passed from parents to kids. It starts with the need to protect kids from harm, but can give them a mental picture of a scary and dangerous world that should not be trusted. It is very important to find the balance between scaring kids and protecting them. You can teach them to be careful, but do not teach them to be scared. No, not all strangers are bad.

Fearing what other people might think about you are very common among kids and grownups alike. Surprisingly, most people would rather die than speak in public. If kids express fear of speaking or what others might think about them, it is good for parents to find out if they have transferred this fear to their kids. In any case - work on self esteem is needed.

Tips to handle the fear monster

1. Do not ever say "This is silly", "Nonsense" or "There are no aliens". This will only make your kids stop telling you how they feel.
2. Ask your kids "How can I help you make it go away?"
3. Teach your kids to distinguish between "afraid", "nervous" and "worried" to allow them to express themselves better.
4. Teach your kids that unknown may be scary, but can also be exciting.
5. Play with your kids moderated scary games to help them work out their fears. Take showers in the dark, dine in candle light, play "hide and seek", go on theme park rides, and so on.
6. When kids need to stand in front of people and speak, help them practice. Remind them their audience is (more than likely) their friends, who want them to succeed, and build their confidence to the point where they do not need cue cards too often.
7. Talk to your kids about your fears as a child and even as a grownup - it will help them realize they are normal.
8. When your kids are worried about things in the far future they really do not need to worry about, teach them the phrase "We will cross that bridge when we get to it". Sometimes, this will be enough to ease their worries.
9. When your kids are scared from things that you do not have any idea how to help, divert their attention from it towards thinking about good and happy things. Sing songs, solve riddles and do other fun and distracting things.
10. If your kids are afraid of failure, teach them there is no such a thing as failing. Every experience is a learning opportunity. If something does not work the way they want it to, at least they have learned what does not work.

The most important thing is to allow your kids to express their fears when they need to. It is a lot harder to help kids when with their fears if you do not know about them. So, no matter what, keep the communication channels open.

Happy parenting!
Ronit

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• More Control – Less Power
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Excitement vs. Anxiety

When kids are excited about their sport, they are pumped up and ready to conquer the world. There is a positive outcome to this excitement and many coaches dedicate much energy to create this excitement in their players.

On the other hand, some kids' excitement is turned into a form of anxiety, especially if they are not confident with their skills. This anxiety is not healthy for children (or anyone else, for that matter) and can drain their energy rather than increasing it. When kids are anxious, their heart rate goes up and they have sweaty hands. While excitement could improve the performance and enjoyment of the game, anxiety does exactly the opposite.

As parents, we have an important role (together with the kids' coach) in making sure the excitement does not become an anxiety.

Respect the Coach (and the Officials)

Respecting your kids' coach is the same as respecting any other mentor in their life. The coach, the tutor and teacher are extension of you in many ways. They do what you cannot do, whether it is because you are busy or just because they have a different expertise. If you respect them, you teach your kids to respect all their mentors, including you. There is a level of trust and respect that is the foundation for any sporting activity and needs to be there before any learning can take place.

It is very important to choose a coach who shares your values, so that you can trust them and show your respect toward them. If you choose the wrong coach, showing your respect will be very difficult and things will get messy for the kids.

With officials, like referees, umpires and desk operators, things are a bit different. Although you cannot choose them, you must respect their decisions, if only to show your kids the proper value of rules. If you find this hard, read on.

Playing is More Important than Winning

My son played in a basketball team for a whole year. He was a good player and got the opportunity to play a lot in each game. However, his coach was so eager to win that some other players, who were not as good, got little to no play time, and sat for entire games on the bench, no matter how early they came every Saturday morning.

Though our son played most of the time, we realised after a while that he was getting very upset whenever his team lost a game. He would say that the referee was… and the other team won only because… It was almost impossible to for him to see sense - winning was so important that his mood was controlled by the score on the board.

This is a very common behaviour in kids but very unhealthy for them and requires our watchful eyes in aligning our values with our kids and their coach. Coaches and teachers who emphasise the end result more than the process might give your kids a messages you do not want. Even at school, kids need to be measured individually, emphasising participation and improvement. "Most Improved" should to be a higher status that "Best Player".

(Our solution was to volunteer to help with the coaching, so Gal, who is a life coach, was the best person to stick to such values. Many kids from other teams asked to join Gal's team, only because he made sure everyone came to play basketball, not necessarily to win basketball. Even the kids who could hardly dribble got their chance to play in the game and it was wonderful to see the joy during and after each game, whatever the score).

Team Sport

Some sports are played in teams, like basketball, volleyball and soccer, while others are played by individuals, like swimming, running and tennis. Team sports require (and develop), in addition to the physical aspects, some social skills.

Individual sports can be more challenging than team sports, because the responsibility is only with one player, while in a team sport, the responsibility is shared between the players.

As parents, we need to make sure our kids do not choose an individual sport because of weak social skills, as this will only deepen their social isolation.

Encouraging vs. Pushing

There is a fine line between encouraging your kids in sport and pushing them. Saying to kids things like "Make us proud", "Don't disappoint us" or "We are counting on you" may produce the correct behaviour, but it will be based on fear, guilt and punishment. These feelings will then be associated with the sport, instead of the fun and the joy. Here is a list of things that will help you find out just how pushy you are regarding your kids' sport:

1. Pushy parents make sure they review the strategies with their kids before the game.
2. Pushy parents make lots of effort to put their kids on the top team and get them special roles on the team.
3. Pushy parents spend lots of extra money and time to make sure their kids are "the best" (some parents pay for extra lessons, private lessons and weekend workouts, just to make sure their kids are at the top of their team).
4. Pushy parents always tell their kids how they feel at the end of each game. "I was happy with the way you did today" or "I was disappointed…". The most serious cases say these things aloud, in front of everybody else.
5. Pushy parents shout and scream and give their kids advice during games, because it is very important for them to win.

Encouraging parents do these things instead:

1. Encouraging parents tell their kids it is important to enjoy the game and the real prize is playing, having fun and learning.
2. Encouraging parents drive their kids to and from games and practice and pay for activities without complaining, because this is what their kids wanted to do.
3. Encouraging parents tell their kids that every role in every game is important and that in every role, you can do the best you can.
4. Encouraging parents ask their kids "Did you enjoy the game?", "How did you feel when you scored/dropped the ball?" and "What did you do better today?"
5. Encouraging parents tell their kids they are happy and proud of them regardless of the results in the game.

Sport is a healthy activity for children, as long as they are happy to take part in it and are encouraged to play the game. If you want to help your kids make the best of life, be "a good sport"!

You may want to read

• Be a Good Sport! (part 1)
• More Control – Less Power
• Living in a Dress Rehearsal

Courage and fear are like day and night.
You cannot appreciate one without the other
- Ronit Baras

We all like watching "Heroes" on TV and reading books about strong or creative people who have done things others did not expect them to do. Hearing, reading about or meeting such people is very motivating. Heroism is the courage to face fears, therefore fear and heroes go together.

Fear is a basic human emotion that works like a survival instinct. In a sense, fear helps protect us from danger, though it has reached a point where we see danger even in places where it does not exist.

People have fears of speaking, fears of learning, fears of small insects or other people and the most famous one of all, fear of failure. Unlike the fear instinct, which is programmed in people to keep them alive with the "fight or flight" response, none of these fears represent a survival mechanism - no one has ever died from speaking in public, or broken their tongue by learning a new language, huge spiders exist only in movies, mice are terrified of people, even when they stand on a chair, and failure is just an expression of strong disappointment. Heroes are not those who do not fear, but those who conquer their fears.

Heroes everywhere

Heroes are a great inspiration. How many heroes surround you? If you are thinking of someone who has climbed Mount Everest, someone who has made millions of dollars, someone who has won a special prize or someone who has led a country to victory, you will not find too many of them.

If heroes are those who conquer their fears, everyone is a hero and YOU are a hero too.

When you go for a job interview, you are a hero, boldly facing your prospective employer. When you study something new, you are a hero, bravely struggling with challenging knowledge. When you say what you think, you are a hero, courageously standing up to your peers. When you love someone, you are a hero, laying your heart on the line. Because interviews, learning, self expression and romance all come with uncertainty.

If you are a parent, you are a real hero, because you are in a continuous test. You learn, you express yourself and you show your love every day of your life and with it comes a great, great fear of the unknown. Children see their parents as great heroes most of their lives. They are strong, they know a lot and they save their kids time after time from pain and failure.

Adolescence is not an easy time, because this is when we have to come to terms with the fact that our heroes have fears and sometimes fail too. Growing up is realising we have to face our own fears and no external source can do it for us, which means that growing up requires great courage.

Even heroes have the right to bleed
And it's not easy to be me
- from Superman by Five for Fighting

The greatest heroes of all are the heroes that are true to themselves. My book Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers is a tribute to such heroes in my life - parents and kids, teachers and friends who have motivated me and many others to succeed in life and conquer our fears.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

In this wonderful quote, Emerson set the bar for heroism, one that can be much higher than climbing a physical mountain. We can all stay true to ourselves even if it means others will be disappointed, even if it means it will take time and even if it means we will be different.

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
- from Hero by Mariah Carey

Just like fears keep us alive, they can become stepping stones to climb up. You can conquer them by doing just a little bit more or surrounding yourself with heroes, including the one in the mirror.

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
- from Hero by Mariah Carey

Life is a journey to an unknown destination. We all take a path we have never taken and uncertainty is an integral part of going forward. You can chase all of your fears, but first you have to know them. Start with a list of fears and set your mind to conquering them one at a time. You can!

If you need some guidance or support with your fears, contact us.

If you have succeeded, tell us about it.

If you liked this article - stumble us.

If you like songs, listen to Mariah Carey's song, Hero.

Read this post by Tim Brownson.

And please forward this article to any person that you think needs some motivation.

Happy 2008,
Ronit Baras

Check Out My Book "Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers"

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My Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) teacher did believe that it was enough. She said, "If you really, really want it, it will happen", but I ask you, "How do you know if you really, really want something? When does your desire become 'real'?"

When I want something, I can swear I really want it.

You see, some people set goals and do not achieve them, at least for a while, so they accept defeat by saying "Maybe I didn't 'really' want this goal".

I believe that desire is a crucial part of reaching goals. Certainly, it is the starting point of every goal. But I do not think there is a way for us to measure how much we want something. When I work with a client, I cannot say "This is a 20-desire goal and that one is a 72".

Every person knows their insides best. When you set a goal, notice how you feel about it. Are you a bit anxious about it, or is there nothing but burning desire to be done with it, reach your destination and enjoy your success?

I have tried the wanting game and I think that some of the things happened in my life just because I wanted them. I remember having a feeling that the universe was listening to me when I dreamed of things. I still love this game and I believe we should all play it as often as we can. Why? Because sometimes it works, it feels great and it is cheap and simple.

But I am a person of action. I believe in motion as the ultimate way to growth and I that action speaks louder than words. While the universe is taking care of some of your goals, just because you wanted them, your actions will help you with the rest. When you set a goal and wait for an external source to fulfil it, you fail to help yourself and miss the opportunity to grow.

What you think when good things happen to you when you did nothing to achieve them - "It was luck". What do you think when you work towards something and you get it - "It was an achievement!"

If I had to choose between luck and achievement, I would choose achievement!

There are two types of action - physical and emotional. You can act to change the world around you - clean the house, arrange the office, get a new job or buy shares - but you can also change your inner world - eliminate negative beliefs, align your values, be grateful or forgive. More often than not, inner action will be the key to getting your goals, removing any emotional obstacles in your path.

The Titanic had a powerful engine, big propellers, modern navigation equipment (for the time) and the finest structure in history, but it ran into an iceberg and sank. External-world movement can sometimes get you closer to your obstacles - fears, misconceptions, unfulfilled needs or bad habits. Internal-world action will clear them from your path and keep you afloat all the way home.

You may want to read

• The Art of Misery (Advanced)
• Irrational Rules of Living – Discomfort and pain
• Irrational Rules of Living – Avoidance