In a book called The Lonely Crowd, David Riesman wrote in 1950 that people could be split into two groups. He said that the inner-directed person "has a trustworthy character and builds his life on the stability and security of his family. Usually, he believes in the Judeo-Christian faith". The other-directed person, on the other hand, is "dependent on the approval of others, especially experts. They are consumed by a quest for personal happiness, so that ... anything becomes permissible if it makes me happy".

Yes, this is an old book, but I read this quote this morning in a much newer book on personal power and relationship skills, so the notion that our pursuit of happiness makes us selfish and self-centered is still very much alive today.

So what's the deal? Does personal happiness equate to selfishness? Does the search for personal fulfillment make us lonely?

"Pooh!" the bear snorted, "Again I say pooh!"
- The Big Brag, Dr Seuss

Being a selfish happiness seeker is like drilling for oil in your own back yard. No matter how much oil you find, the yard will never be the same, your house will stand out from the rest and none of your neighbors will remain your friends. It is like cutting down the trees in the Amazon and making a quick buck, but destroying the future of your children and their children.

Happiness is not the same as instant gratification. It is not the same as temporary joy, excitement, elation or even comfort. Happiness is a state of mind that permeates everything in your life. It must be sustainable.

If not, all we have left is the pursuit, and that makes for a very hard and disappointing life.

So how can you tell if your focus is on the right sort of happiness and that you are not wasting your time on becoming more and more self-centered and self-serving?

I suggest that whatever you do and whenever you have a decision to make about a course of action, you use the following questions:

1. Is it good for me?
2. Is it good for others?
3. Is it good for the Greater Good?

Those who stop after the first question may very well make selfish decisions that hurt them in the long run, hurt others and ruin the future. But those who keep going through the list and assign the same level of importance to all of the answers make decisions that will lead them to more and more happiness over time.

Notice that these questions are all based on your personal interpretation of what is "good", who are "others" and what is the "Greater Good". It really does not matter how you see each of these, the simple consideration of other people, future generations, some kind of a moral system and/or society in general will always yield better decisions with more sustainable outcomes.

You see, the world is a very (VERY) large mirror. What we see in the world is a reflection of what is inside us, at least in some way.

Let's say your life is stressful and you decide to go on a 6-week meditation retreat on a mountain in India. Your partner will have to take care of the kids and your family will miss you terribly, your customers will get no service for a long time and your business will suffer from this, which will later hurt your ability to provide for your family. Sure, it will make you happy, at least while you are meditating, but at what cost?

By realizing the effects on others, you could instead learn to meditate at home, spend some time every week doing Yoga, possibly with your partner and children. It may take you longer to relax fully and feel pure and healthy, but you will find a lot more support around you to sustain your journey.

One of the worst trends today is divorce due to one of the partners being unfaithful. Every couple's life involves pressure and even conflict. Finding a fresh person and satisfying our hunger for attention and love with them may be a quick and easy way to temporary happiness, but at what cost?

By realizing the effects on others and on us in the long run and by looking at our society and seeing what this trend is doing to it, you would see that taking personal responsibility for your actions and investing in your existing relationships is a more sustainable approach. After all, there is no guarantee the new person will keep making you happy for long either.

As a parent, you may be happy when your kids play quietly, particularly if others see this as testament of your good parenting. So if your little boy starts throwing things around, you may feel he is stealing your happiness and making you look bad. You can call him "naughty" and do your best to "discipline" him, but at what cost?

Although you may feel justified in "setting him straight", when he stops trusting you and avoids your company, your will regret your actions and may not be able to recover from them. Moreover, if you examine the behavior of other kids whose parents react in a harsh and self-centered way, you will realize your influence on the world in which your kids grow up. It can be a place full of "naughty" people who feel bad about themselves or a place of trust and respect for all.

By realizing that your best parenting asset is your child's faith in you, you could try to find out what troubles him and guide him towards peace of mind.

Similarly, many parents link their happiness to their children's academic performance. If your teenage girl's grades begin to drop, you can nag her to do her homework, tell her she is lazy, forbid her to go on Facebook and ground her for weeks. You may see yourself as providing order and proper priorities to your daughter at a time of hormonal unrest, but at what cost?

By realizing your support role in her life, you could make her feel safe enough to pour her heart out and tell you her boyfriend broke up with her, let her cry a little on your shoulder and reassure her you will always be there for her. This will teach her how to handle grief and disappointment and validate her emotions.

All too often, there is a conflict between our immediate satisfaction and our long-term happiness. That is just how life works. What is good for us right now is never just that. We are surrounded by people with different interests, beliefs and desires that still matter. And even the people who live far away often have some influence on us (like those clearing the jungle trees in Indonesia or those who make our clothes in China).

So practice asking the questions above. First, you will have to think about every answer carefully, but over time, it will become second nature, like riding a bike. And just like riding a bike, it will make you happy.

Have a great life,
Gal

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Kids are not born with reading skills, but they still need them to build their knowledge and understanding. We develop these skills in them by reading for fun or by reading to get information.

Although I believe that reading for fun is very important and can help increase your vocabulary and understanding, I think it is limited, because kids cannot check on their own if they understood the stories or not. Many books have layers of understanding and the young reader cannot tell which layer he or she is reading at and what they might be missing.

School is pretty much the only place where we can check kids' understanding and help them develop their reading skills and teachers are qualified to tell which level of reading and which reading skill is expected at each age, but as a parent, there are things you can teach your kids at home that will help them greatly with their reading development.

1. Title - Guessing ahead is a good skill in reading. Teachers ask kids to guess what the story is about by reading the title only. This is an easy game that you can play with kids of all ages. Give them a title and ask them to guess what the story, the article or the book is about. They do not have to be 100% correct to develop this skill. They only need to have a good association with the title in their mind. When they can read more, give them paragraphs and ask them to come up with a title. The primary question the title needs to answer is, "What is this about?"
2. Content page or headings - Reading a content page or going over the headings can help us greatly to understand the structure of the book or article, to "get into the author's head" and to discover the flow of the book, article or essay. You can ask children to guess what each chapter or section is about from its heading. One sentence is enough to get the picture. If kids read lots of content pages and lots of headings, it can help them with their writing skills too, because they can understand how to structure an essay on any topic. First, we find the title, then we make a skeleton of the things we want to say and only at the end, we write it all down. Often, the content page and the headings are enough to help kids remember a book or an article when they need to.
3. Pictures - Photos and drawings are a very good way to communicate ideas. Even before kids can read, you can use pictures to help them "read". I remember 2-year-olds in my childcare center reading books to me using only the photos, so every child can do that. Ask your kids to guess what the book is about from the pictures. When they grow up, they will also use the photos and artwork on the cover of the book to pick books from the library.
4. First and last paragraph - In every article, section or chapter, the first and last paragraphs are the most important parts for the reader. The author is supposed to write in the opening paragraph what the article will be about and in the closing paragraph what the article was about. Crossing those two paragraphs can give a very good indication for what children are supposed to remember when they read. Later on, it can provide a quick way to review and recall the information.
5. Taking notes - Turning your reading into something short that you can remember is very important. Do not wait until the end to memorize. Instead, at the end of every chapter, write down in one sentence what you have read. Do it in your own words and keep your notes in a handy place. If you can write inside a workbook, that would be the best place. If not, write on a piece of paper and insert between the pages like a bookmark. Teach your kids to do the same.
6. Highlight - I have always loved books and taken good care of my books. However, whenever I bought the book and it was mine, I wrote my notes inside it and highlighted the most important parts of the book. Highlighting makes sure you pay attention to only the important things in the book or article. It is also extremely helpful in remembering what you have read for an exam and for finding great quotes to references in your own writing. Show your kids how you do it and teach them to do it too.

Your kids' teachers will probably dedicate lots of time to teaching these skills, but they need to teach 25 to 30 kids and every year, there will be another teacher doing it, with a different style and a different approach. You are there all the time for your kids, so when you help them do their homework, you can easily teach them these tricks to help them become effective readers.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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Computer games are not a dirty word if they support the development of the player. When a child plays a puzzle on the table, their cognitive skills are stretched as much as when they play a puzzle on the computer.

I remember preparing hundreds of pages that ask the kids to circle the "odd one out". Now, they can play many computer games that are way more colorful and varied that reuse the same "cards" for the children to choose from. I was limited by the number of stamps and my drawing ability and used lots of paper to allow each child to have enough pages to experience and learn. Now, any simple computer game can give the kids endless opportunities to find the odd one out, with great graphics, sounds and animation.

Some computer games are very effective at teaching kids cognitive skills. If you choose games that are not violent, no one needs to die and the player develops some skills or learns some strategy (not pure luck) then there is a good chance they will be effective as a teaching tool.

A research done on elders in East Carolina University's Psychophysiology Lab reported a sizable improvement in cognitive abilities among older adults who played casual games, like Bejeweled.

"The initial results of the study are very intriguing, in that they suggest that the 'active participation' required while playing a casual video game like Bejeweled provides an opportunity for mental exercise that more passive activities, like watching television, do not", said researcher Carmen Russoniello, "Future applications could include prescriptive applications using casual video games to potentially stave off Alzheimer’s disease and other dementia-type disorders".

The difference between what we used to do in the past and what happens now is that I knew the kids' level at any stage, because I needed to facilitate their learning, and now they move quickly and parents and teachers do not have to sit with kids while they are playing to monitor progress or time spent in front of the computer.

If you monitor the time your kids spend on the computer and make sure there is a good balance between machine interaction and human interaction and if you use the computer as a helper, not a substitute for your presence, you could realize the benefits of using computer games to sharpen your kids' minds and ... have fun yourself!

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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Nothing is worth more than this day
- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Kids are little philosophers practicing the theories of the great philosopher of all times in real life. They live in the simplest stage show that is their life, without much sophistication and with no budget. This is ability smart, knowledgeable and experienced grownups need to learn from their children.

Kids do not have tomorrows. The younger they are, the more limited their understanding of time and the harder it is to explain to them what they will gain tomorrow if they just try a bit harder or wait a little bit longer today. One of parents' biggest frustrations is their inability to explain why to try harder today for some imaginary tomorrow. Kids, on the other hand, do not understand why they should try harder, because from their point of view, fun is the best way to navigate through life and "hard" and "fun" do not go together.

Fun as a Compass

Kids' attitude to fun as a compass is perceived by grownups as a limitation, a lack of perspective and experience. I wonder sometimes who is missing perspective. Kids, the artists of living in the now, whose present is full of fun, or their parents, the champions of living in the future, whose present is an endless cycle of anxiety?

Children invest all their energy in what they will achieve in the short term. Adults, convinced they need to delay their gratifications, exaggerate this and without meaning to, they have invented the opposite of enjoinment and fun and have turned their life into a dress rehearsal for the "real thing".

The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things
- Henry Ward Beecher

If you are a parent doing everything you can to better tomorrows, if you are a parent telling your kids off for behaviors today that you are afraid they will keep doing tomorrow, if you believe that whatever happens today is a sign for what will happen in the future, if you think that pain today justifies potential gain tomorrow - you have just passed the most important audition of your life and have been accepted into The Big Dress Rehearsal, where you might spend the rest of your life.

Many parents fall in the trap of separating life into living in the show of life and rehearsing for it, as if they need to prepare all their lives for an imaginary future, when they will have everything they want, but they never take center stage and actually play in the show. The problem with living in a dress rehearsal is that you become very good at rehearsing and not at performing. Many parents invest in preparing their kids and become very good at preparing and not at implementing these preparations. In extreme cases, this imaginary future makes parents so anxious they torture their kids today and justify it by claiming they will be happy for it someday.

If you have ever had a conflict with your child that was very critical for you and you were worried they would take this to their future, while your child thought you were making a big thing out of nothing, you have been in the conflict between life as a rehearsal and life as a show.

A classic example of the life as a rehearsal and life as a show conflict is school. In my parenting workshops, when I ask parents about big conflicts with their kids, they say that most of their parenting energy is spent around school, homework, managing time, grades and teachers. Every argument over school starts with our belief as parents that the imaginary rewards of our kids' schooling in the future will justify their pain in the present. Not many parents ask themselves whether school today is really preparing their children for the show of life they will have to perform in their future.

Our kids do not go to school because they want to. We keep them there with our belief that their future will be better for it. In the cheapest format of schooling, we invest 13 years and tens of thousands of dollars on this school rehearsal and we do not stop to ask if we know for sure what will be the format of the show they will have to perform in the future and if it justifies the long preparation. What we can say for sure is that we have become so good at preparing that we have no clue on what kind of a stage our kids will have to perform in 15 years.

Parents differ from their kids in courage. Kids are not afraid of a show that is not perfect, a bit clumsy, without any status or experience, because what directs them is having fun right now. Their primitive compass, called "fun", has stood strong in the auditions of all times, in shows of all generations and on stages of all successes and challenging experiences. By following this primitive compass, many authors have written thousands of books kids have never read, producers have made movies kids have never seen and philosophers have described theories kids have never heard of.

Enjoy the journey, enjoy every moment and quit worrying about winning and losing
- Matt Biondi

Many parents, on the other hand, prefer the illusion of "the future". They prefer putting off the fun of now and invest lots in preparing for life, in hope that fun will come, later. Parents go to work and dedicate hours of being away from their partner and kids in order to make money and have fun with their partner and kids on a short yearly vacation that they end up spending on renovating the shower, "because it cannot be postponed any longer". They get into an endless cycle, where they do not know what started first, the chicken or the egg.

Kids live without too many conditions. As long as they have fun, with a little bit of company, not seeking a big crowd and not dedicating hours for rehearsing or putting on makeup, they will perform on a small stage or in a solo performance, holding a balloon and celebrating their total ignorance of the future. Parents, on the other hand, have endless conditions on the location of the show, who will be the stage manager, what the content will be, who the other players will be, the director, the salary, who will be invited and how hard they will need to clap. But so many conditions and fun do not go hand in hand.

We can learn from kids how to have the courage not to treat life as a dress rehearsal or an imaginary show that we constantly need to prepare for, but to live in a simple, magical, natural show that happens every day in every second of our imperfect, clumsy, fun life.

We should learn from kids about "performing" and having fun today, because there is a real danger that if we keep preparing, when the time of our show comes, if ever, when we are finally thin, rich, happy, pretty, successful, with a high social status and lots of the latest gadgets, it may be too late.

If we argue and worry about a show that never happens, we can only imagine a sad show, in which our kids will be just like their parents and stop believing that more importantly than being thin and skinny, we need to love our body, more importantly than making money, we need to be content to put it to good use or give it away, more importantly than striving for happiness, we need to be happy along the way, more importantly than being pretty in other people's eyes, we need to feel pretty, more than wanting to be successful, we need to celebrate our existing successes, however small, more importantly than social status, we need to enjoy our friends and family and more importantly than buying gadgets, we need to enjoy them.

For kids, every experience is a show. It is natural and without conditions. They cry a little, laugh for no reason, sometimes they fail and they always get up. They do not have to have an audience and if they do, they do not try to please everyone. When they do not get any cheers and claps, they applaud themselves for participating.

We can learn philosophy from our own children, small, inexperienced and lacking perspective. We can learn from kids that life is a show that starts when we give up on endless rehearsals, when we stop trying to come up with the best show ever and we just participate and have fun. We can learn from kids that fun is an enormous force.

May the force be with you!
Ronit

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In Australia, there is now something called NAPLAN - National Assessment Program for Literacy and Numeracy, officially described like this: "Every year, all students in Years 3, 5, 7 and 9 are assessed on the same days using national tests in Reading, Writing, Language Conventions (Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation) and Numeracy".

This means that absolutely NOTHING else matters to most of the teachers and parents of students in Years 3, 5, 7 and 9. After having quite a bit of fun in Prep and Years 1 and 2, the poor kids in Year 3 are taught things by the book, tested every week, deprived of play time, music, art, sport and extracurricular activities and subjected to constant pressure to perform. State Education ministers go nuts from it, so Department of Education executives go nuts from it, so principals go nuts from it, so teachers go nuts from it, so students go nuts from it.

The same thing happens all over again 2, 4 and 6 years later.

And that is really bad.

Because learning should be fun and because all that stress actually blocks learning.

Think back to your time at school for a moment, particularly to 3^rd Grade. Could you study well when you were tired? Could you concentrate in class when you were hungry or when you had to go to the toilet? Was it easy for you to work with numbers after witnessing your parents having a big fight the night before? How well did you do on exams when your dog died or your best friend moved away?

Not too well, right?

School systems are just like conventional medicine - they focus on the symptoms, ignore the personal context and completely miss the underlying issues. They do it because the symptoms, literacy and numeracy in this case, are easy to test and measure. It stands to conventional reason that by teaching more reading, students' reading will improve and by administering more math homework, students will get more practice and get better with numbers.

Ronit and I see just how wrong this approach is with every child that comes to our assessment service. One after the other, parents bring children aged 5 to 14, asking for help with their performance at school. One after the other, these children reveal gaps in their learning due to emotional traumas and communication style incompatibility with their past or present teachers. Ronit advises all of their parents to handle their emotional wellbeing first and one after the other, they pick up speed in their studies as soon as they are able to smile and feel free.

We have seen close correlations between gaps in reading, writing and math skills due to the illness and death of a father. Would you care how much 2 + 5 was if your father was dying?

We have seen gaps in academic performance due to frequent changes of teachers. Young children look up to their teachers and idolize them. That is why they trust their teaching and follow their instructions. Would you be able to trust your 6^th Grade 1 teacher after being "deserted" by the previous 5?

We have seen children whose mother or father had a mental disorder, which forced them to help extensively at home and gave other students at their school plenty of bullying material. Would you be able to motivate yourself even to go to school if this were your situation?

When a child is overwhelmed by strong emotions, pressure to perform only makes things worse. The child feels ignored, abused, rejected and belittled. They lose trust in teachers, parents and sometimes even in "grownups" in general. So they hide their challenges, which makes them even harder to detect, and they go on missing more and more spelling, grammar, arithmetic, shapes, money, graphs and all those other things that show up later as low test scores.

Emotionacy

What kids really need to learn is not literacy or numeracy, it is "emotionacy". They need to learn how to recognize and manage their emotions. They need to be encouraged to express themselves, to explore and to learn what and how they like. They need to be valued as people-in-the-making (my kids have an awesome music teacher who refers to her students as "short people") and to be developed based on their own choices.

Reading something interesting is far more beneficial than reading standard text. Sure, it is not as easy to monitor and regulate, but kids who follow their heart LOVE to read. They read without any external pressure, they learn far more from what they read and they read so much that their level of literacy is actually better over those who are forced to read standard boring stuff.

Give any child a cool science project where they need to measure quantities, calculate fractions, draw a graph and analyze numerical data and they will jump for joy at each discovery and conclusion. They will remember the experiment forever, keep the results in their room for months, show it to everyone and proudly EXPLAIN the math to anyone who will listen. In the context of something exciting, kids have all the skills for math.

Pay attention to how a child learns - by writing and drawing, by listening and talking or by doing - and adapt your teaching to it and all of a sudden, a "slow" child seems "bright". Suddenly, they like coming to class or doing their homework, they love the teacher (or you, their parent) and their scores improve dramatically.

Find out how a child feels, no matter how long it takes and how difficult it is for them to describe (particularly at a young age), help them feel better and you will get a bundle of joy that finds little in class challenging. Use stories, symbolic play with dolls, drawings or any other non-verbal method and you will discover the blocks to natural learning. Give affirmations, touch, quality time, little presents and helpful services and you will see moping turning into energy and a long face becoming a smile.

When you need to teach a child something, present it as a game. Learning happens much better when it is fun and then, the child wants to learn even more, because it is fun. Kids would play games all the time if they could, so just let them. Use their endless energy and fill their games with useful learning and they will be unstoppable.

Academic performance is natural for children when they can "afford it" mentally. When they are too busy surviving emotionally, they can learn nothing, but no matter what their top potential is, they will get a lot closer to it when they are happy.

So check your child's emotionacy and help them get better at it. Write your local representative and speak out at parent-teacher meetings and parent-body gatherings. What your kids need is emotional intelligence and the rest will follow.

Happy parenting,
Gal

P.S. A good starting point is to work on your own happiness, because happy parents raise happy kids.

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In the past three weeks, he has had many awards night, celebrations, final concerts and farewell parties. During those events, Tsoof received many awards for excellence, for leadership, for showmanship, for his contribution to his school, his friends and his community and we felt honored and blessed for his talents, his kindness and his love for what he does.

You seen this in the movies: the parent of the star performing on stage is sits in the crowd, looks around and tells everyone that sits next to them in excitement, "This is my son" Well, this is how we felt at every event. Tsoof is so talented and so famous we introduce ourselves as "Tsoof's mom/dad/sister" and we were very proud.

At the end-of-year Performing Arts evening, as the winner of the prestigious title "Performing Artist of the Year", Tsoof opened the night and said, "Good evening. My name is Tsoof. I am a school captain, Vocal Harmony and Wind Symphony captain, a member of the Senior Percussion Ensemble (Mac-cussion), Show Choir and Big Band. Thank you for coming this evening".

Gal, Eden, Noff and I sat the whole night proud as peacocks for being associated with him.

That was his last performance with all his ensembles, where he said goodbye to those who had contributed greatly to growing his talents, enthusiasm and passion for music - his music teachers. Three of them had been his musical mentors and had taught him for eight years, through both primary and high school.

David Adelt had been his percussion teacher and mentor since 5^th Grade. Lee Norell had been his band conductor since 5^th Grade and his composition and voice tutor in 12^th Grade. Jody Lutherburrow had been his band conductor since 5^th Grade. Tamara Luski had been his Vocal Harmony and Show Choir conductor and his classroom music teacher for the past 3 years. Sandy Armstrong had been his Performing Arts Coordinator and Music Extension teacher for the past 4 years. From every stage he performed on, he looked at these 5 teachers and thanked them for supporting and developing his talents.

As you know, teaching is not a very prestigious profession. The financial rewards are not that impressive, but the emotional rewards are enormous. When your students are successful, it is a record of your teaching ability.

When we sent our kids to school, I knew that some of the teachers they would meet on their journey would influence their life. I never dreamed it would be such profound impact, carved on every musical piece he writes, every tune he plays and every song he sings.

It is very rare that you have the same teacher for 8 years, let alone 3 of them. If they are great teachers, you can easily explain the excellence.

It was the end-of-year concert and I watched Tsoof performing in most of the numbers of that night. I looked at his teachers and realized they were sitting there, much like us, with teary eyes, proud as peacocks. Every one of them thanked the parents for supporting their kids in their musical pursuits and I whispered, "Thank you!"

Dear David, Lee, Jody, Tamara and Sandy,

I thank you for teaching my son about commitment and that getting up early in the morning, when it is still dark outside, is worth the effort.

I thank you for telling my son over and over again that he needs to play and sing for himself and not to please his parents, as that has developed his self-motivation.

I thank you for being role models for my son. Thank you for being generous with your time and modeling how putting your hand up to help others can make you a better person. Thank you for showing him that giving is the best way to receive.

I thank you for teaching my son that real winners are not those who get the best part or win the competitions but those who have the courage to stretch their boundaries, to try, practice, learn and compete with others, even if they don't have a chance to get the first prize.

I thank you for inspiring my son to embrace every opportunity and make the most of it.

I thank you for being so professional and having high expectations of my son, because I believe that his professionalism and excellence is a result of this constant stretch for excellence.

I thank you for not giving him "discounts" and lowering your expectations just because he had a busy schedule and other things to do. Thanks to this, he has proven to himself he can excel in academics too, despite his being so busy with music.

I thank you for teaching my son to be humble and setting an example of accepting others and their abilities without making fun of them or judging them.

Thank you for teaching my son teamwork, because the success of the ensembles in every piece played or sung was the result of everyone's ability to put the success of the team above their own.

Thank you for allowing him to wear his hat, grow his hair long, keep his uniqueness and show others around him that respect is something that comes from within and the urge for self-expression can be channeled in good ways.

Today, at the graduation ceremony of the Class of 2011, I wanted to say to you that as his teachers, my son spent more time with you than he did at home. I am a proud mother and I couldn't have done it without you.

Thank you so much!

To honor these teachers, Tsoof put together a band of friends to play an original song written by Andrew Butler, Jamee Seeto and Tsoof. They rehearsed for hours and at the final concert, they asked the teachers to sit in the front row and played their song for them. Unfortunately, there were some technical glitches, so when we got home, I asked Tsoof to record a simpler version of it. It is called "Goodbye" (temporary name) and describes the students' feelings about leaving their teachers.

Enjoy,
Ronit

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Mama knows best

Community nurses will tell you that the phrase "Mama knows best" is true and when a parent feels their child is suffering some kind of problem, they should be taken seriously and the child should be thoroughly checked until the problem is found and fixed. Ronit helps identify kids' problems regularly and is amazed at how many times parents arrive in desperation, having been dismissed and ignored by "the professionals".

So whether you are Mama or Papa, if you suspect your child might be having some sort of a problem, you know best. Do not let anyone put you down or discourage you. Your child is your responsibility and if you say he or she needs help, that is good enough. Keep on searching and doing the best for your child until you succeed.

What's the problem with my child?

Excuse me if I use a computer metaphor, but in the IT world, there are 3 kinds of people: hardware engineers, software developers and implementers. Hardware engineers know how to combine electronic components and build computers. Software developers enable the hardware to do a lot of wonderful things. Implementers (business analysts) choose the best hardware, software, settings and methods to use in a particular context.

Parents, unfortunately, have to be all of them.

Check your kid's hardware

When I was a university student, I was a "big brother" to a disadvantaged boy in 2^nd Grade (let's call him Sunny). The poor kid' father lived somewhere else, money was nonexistent to the point where there was no running water, both his parents had a past of drugs (I had no proof about their present) and he was doing badly at school.

One day, as I was helping Sunny with his homework, he told me he could not see the board in class.

"What do you mean?" I asked, being very inexperienced at the time.

"When I sit in class, I see the teacher's writing on the board very blurry. Most of the time, I can't make out what she writes", he said sadly.

"Where do you sit in class?" I asked.

"I used to sit at the back, but then I could hardly see where the board was, so now I sit in the first row, but it's no good", he said.

"Maybe you need glasses", I suggested.

"I told my mom for a long time about this, but she didn't believe me", Sunny said miserably.

Ronit recently assessed a child who was not poor at all, lived with both his parents and still did poorly at school. After spending some time with him, she realized he did not pronounce words properly. After some specific testing, she concluded his problem was with his hearing.

His mother reacted to this diagnosis as a great revelation and immediately decided to have his hearing checked. After that is corrected, he is likely to go through a period of catching up and eventually have a normal life.

But others are not so lucky. in 1991, Ronit had a girl who was sensitive to the protein in milk. Since much of her diet (she was 2 years old) was dairy food, her nose was runny all the time and she suffered from frequent ear infections. Based on Ronit's diagnosis and recommendation, her mother took her (after months of convincing) to a specialist who operated on her ears and installed ear tubes to relieve the pressure in her ears.

Despite the clear indication that her daughter's health and hearing were affected by her diet, the girl's mother changed nothing. The little girl is now 22 years old and has not caught up with her age group. The period of partial deafness changed this girl's life forever.

So regardless of the symptoms, consider your child's "hardware" first, including eyes, ears, breathing, tongue and mouth, posture, quality and quantity of sleep, food sensitivities, allergies, vitamin and mineral deficiencies and muscle tone. Take your child to a reliable and open-minded doctor, run every suitable test and rule out "organic" causes.

Check your kid's software

Every child is pre-programmed with communication styles (visual, auditory, kinesthetic and/or digital) and love languages (affirmations, services, quality time, physical touch and/or gifts).

A totally healthy child with an excellent pair of eyes and a perfect brain may have great difficulty reading in a noisy place. Once you discover your child is auditory, that makes sense and the solution is clear.

A vital, bouncy child with no vision or hearing problems may struggle at school despite the teacher's best efforts. Once you discover your child is kinesthetic and needs to move, you can work out ways to liberate the little person and help him or her excel and be happy.

This blog contains many posts on stimulating children with various communication styles and a number of posts on supporting the different love languages, so if your child's physical checkups are all clear, read up on communication styles and love languages and check the child's "software".

Check your kid's implementation

Sunny's mother listened to him after a while and took him to an optometrist, who found out Sunny was very near sighted. He prescribed a thick pair of lenses and Sunny's mom, having no money to pay, chose the cheapest frame for them, which would be fully refunded by the government.

Sunny kept doing badly at school.

One day, I wondered about his glasses and asked him to show them to me. He refused and looked ashamed. I told him that there was nothing to be ashamed of and that Ronit has to wear glasses all the time, as did many other people we both knew.

After some convincing, he finally went to his schoolbag and produced a spectacularly ugly pair of glasses. He shyly showed it to me and said quietly, "I'm never wearing these at school. Never ever!"

"Don't you see better with your glasses? This is your chance to see what the teacher writes on the board and keep up", I said.

"I came with my glasses the first time and everyone called me 'four eyes' and laughed at me", he said, nearly in tears, "I told my mom to buy me a different frame, but she didn't listen to me and bought this bulky, ugly one. I look horrible in them and I'll never wear them to school".

Sunny cared a lot more about being accepted socially and having friends to play with than he did about his school performance. For a child who had been abandoned by his father, other people's company was precious and good grades were not going to bring his father back home.

Sometimes, despite our best intentions and due to a whole bunch of grownup considerations, we produce solutions that ignore the context of our kids' life. In some cases, the child will try for a while, but as soon as they have a choice, they will do something different (anyone with teenagers will agree).

We sometimes hear about kids who stayed at home until it was time to go to school and played very little with others. Their start is rough and involves a lot of friction with others, fighting over possession of toys and book, defiance and more. Some parents' reaction to this is to keep their kids at home for another year, until they "grow up" or even choose home schooling for them, believing they have social difficulties.

But without enough social experience, it is not surprising the kids have a hard time initially. What they need is not to grow up but to adjust and learn the rules of engagement, which the other children will quickly teach them. What they need is not more isolation but more time with other kids so that they can adjust faster and at a younger age.

The context makes all the difference sometimes, so check the "implementation".

Easy parenting,
Gal

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• The Wonders of Ritalin
• Raising Grownups

When people are asked what scares them most, public speaking is at the top of the list for most of them, scarier even than death. I thought the same when I was a kid. Speaking when someone else listened was so scary I would rather die than read my homework in class.

Kids with small panic attacks

Many kids are afraid to speak or present while a group of other kids are listening, not to mention in front of a grownup audience. At home, they feel comfortable and confident, but as soon as they get to school - blank! They do not remember what the topic was and you can notice a small panic attack: increased heartbeat, blurred vision, broken voice and heavy breathing.

Unfortunately, these kids are often not taken seriously and their parents do not really understand how come their very smart child, who knew all his/her project perfectly did not get a good grade on his/her presentation. Let me tell you something. Acquiring knowledge and presenting this knowledge are two different skills! When your parents do not understand this fear now, you have to deal with two problems.

1. The fear of other people watching you
2. The fear of what Mom and Dad think about your fear

Most parents are brave when they talk about their children's fear of public appearances, although as soon as you ask them to do something in public, the freak out and never take the risk themselves. They give their child millions of tips, but when they need to present in front of their work colleague, they practice for days, work on slides, spend money to buy the latest presentation gadgets (as if this will make them successful), get a haircut and sometimes have a drink just before, in order to survive the anxiety attack they have - even when it is just their turn to present in a small meeting.

I feel very sorry for kids when they express their fear of public speaking. I think I understand them very well. You see, I can stand in front of thousands of people and present a topic, but I was not like that all my life.

When I was a child, I had a huge polyp on my vocal cord. It was so big I had to take a deep breath to produce every sentence. On top of it, my voice was rough and unstable. Even when I was not afraid of anything, my voice sounded broken and shaky.

Can you imagine how scared I was for others to listen to my voice?

When my teacher asked me to read my homework, I would say I did not do my homework. I loved drama, but I never dared to participate in a school play. I still remember my primary school graduation evening, which usually included a performance by all the graduating students. It was full of songs and drama acts. Out of about 160 students, I was one of the 6 kids holding blue ribbons to represent the sea and I felt lucky that no one could hear my voice.

The fear of speaking in front of others is not exclusive to children. Although it normally starts during childhood, being more aware and self-conscious only makes it worse as we grow up.

Can you imagine how many opportunities we miss as children and later on as adults due to the fear of public speaking?

The good news is we can change that and the younger we start, the easier it gets.

How to help your children speak up

School gives many opportunities for children to present their work. It is very important for children to hear their own voice and get used to the sound of it. It is good to do it with a supportive audience and slowly extend it to presenting in front of to others. The fear of public speaking is related to the fear of failure and the fear of being laughed at.

As parents, we need to make sure our children never consider public speaking and presenting as potential failures. They must be opportunities to grow and gain confidence.

Here is how:

1. Kids who live in a home with one or two perfectionist parents tend to have more anxiety about their performance. If you suffer from perfectionism, eliminate it from your life. It is a disease and you will sentence your child to life of misery. If a children cannot focus on the performance but on what Mom or Dad thinks of their performance, no wonder they are anxious.
2. Let kids play with sounds and enjoy the sound of their own voice. Record them making noises and help them relax about hearing their recorded voice (it sounds different). I remember my daughter having a tape recorder as a child. Nowadays, it is so much easier, because you can do it on the computer or on a mobile phone. There are many opportunities - just let them enjoy their voice.
3. Teach kids to tell jokes and capture them on video with your phone or digital camera. Let them watch themselves and make sure you are not judgmental (if you do something that may seem judgmental, it only increases the performance anxiety and blocks their thinking).
4. Spend time listening to your kids reading aloud parts of the book they are reading. This can be done from the second they start reading and can continue later on when they are older and they read something funny and want to read it to you.
5. Tell your children stories about your life, when you had to do something and you were afraid to speak in front of others. It will make it easy for them to know that everyone experiences fear of public speaking.
6. Tell them stories about celebrities who were shy and afraid to speak in public. This is why I like to find videos of true stories from the DVD shop. I think it is essential for kids to realize that we are not born with this ability - we develop it.
7. At dinnertime, play some games (I like personal development games, like "Something wonderful that happened to me today", "3 good things I can say about someone in the family" or "If I had everything I wanted, I would...") and make sure everyone gets a turn. They can learn to say what they think and talk about something personal while everyone else is listening and giving them the attention they deserve.
8. Play with your kids talking nonsense. This is pure voice stimulation. By the way, recording makes it even better.
9. Spend family time singing songs. You do not have to have a special device like a karaoke system or an X-box to sing songs. A CD with songs and lyrics printed off the Internet can be sufficient. Unfortunately, the signing programs emphasize perfection and we want to do exactly the opposite - singing is fun, even if we are not perfect singers. I recommend doing this as early as possible and never stop (our oldest is 22 and still sings with us).
10. Teach kids to use cue cards. Make sure they write on their cue cards in big letters and understand they are for practice, not for the presentation. After using the cards 6-7 times, they will need them less and less. Reading from cue cards is not presenting and even using the same language written on the cards is not presenting. They need to practice spoken, natural language!
11. Encourage your kids to volunteer in class when the teacher asks for students to present things or to read aloud. Again, you can use stories from your own life and work to show that taking this kind of risk pays off.

We have been encouraging our kids to do the things they love doing. When our son Tsoof sees an audience, he is happy. Give him an audience of any size and he will tell jokes, sing songs and entertain them. He is so brave that no one can imagine that when he was in Grade 6, his school had a talent competition (Macgregor Idol), and he practiced singing Superman (It's Not Easy To Be Me) and never went to the audition. The following year, we encouraged him to try again. That time, he went and got 4^th place. Since then, he sings at every opportunity he gets (you can see him at TsoofBaras.com).

Our youngest daughter Noff, sings at home, but rarely in front of an audience. Last year, she sang with Tsoof at a small gathering and this year, she worked up the courage to participate in her school's talent competition singing True Colors. She is only 10 and a few times, she thought of giving up. The first round was in her class, the second round was in front of about 400 kids and teachers, and the final round was during the annual school festival, in front of thousands of people.

Noff was sooooooooooooooooooooo scared. We could see it on her face. But, she did it! She sang so beautifully and won the 3^rd prize. For 3 months after the competition and the festival, her teachers, her friends and other parents at school congratulated her on being so brave, but I believe her real reward is the belief that she can do it! I believe that with this belief, our kids can conquer the world.

Here is Noff singing True Colors on stage. Enjoy!

Ronit

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• Raising Grownups
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Wisdom is not a product of schooling but of the lifelong attempt to acquire it
- Albert Einstein

In the "old days", the elders had a special role in people's life. Because knowledge back then was not the highest currency, what the elders could give their community was wisdom. Unlike knowledge, wisdom is applied knowledge, achieved after personal experience, experiments, trials and errors and often summed up as rules of living.

Much of our life today is dedicated to acquiring knowledge. School, where you spend about 13 years of your life, is a place that gives you knowledge. If you study a profession, you spend another 3 to 10 years of your life in a school of knowledge.

As an educator, I find most of this to be a total waste of energy. When I did my degree in Special Education, I took an amazing course named "Who needs school anyway?" You would think that the main idea is to teach us that school is the best thing and that everyone needs school, but our amazing lecturer allowed us to explore this topic from many angles. We all had to go and research what school is all about and in my research, I discovered that School was an institute that provided knowledge, but failed to give kids wisdom. School had forgotten its purpose.

For many years, educators have been struggling with the dilemma between wisdom and knowledge without proof and no one could win. I decided long ago that the only person I needed to prove which one of them is better was me, because the belief I carry with me into my personal and professional life is really what matters.

In my research about schools, I discovered that the real things school is able to give kids are beliefs about themselves and the world around them. Unfortunately, schools do a good job of giving beliefs even, but many of these beliefs are horrible. I discovered that while schools put most of their focus on knowledge and assessment, they forgot to raise creative, successful, friendly, healthy and happy kids that would grow up to be creative, successful, friendly, healthy and happy grownups who would contribute to their society. It had become an institute trying to pump kids with knowledge and make them efficient at spitting that knowledge out quickly and clearly.

How many times have you studied for a test and erased the subject matter from your memory as soon as you handed your paper in? Well, you are no different from most people. Does this mean you have the knowledge or maybe you had the knowledge and now it is gone?

Happiness Degree

Be happy. It's one way of being wise
- Sidonie Gabrielle

The good thing about the evolution of knowledge acquisition is that the technique of repetition-to-death has changed into looking for alternative ways to remember, which has made students try to implement their knowledge and develop more wisdom. If you learn by rote that 7 times 5 is 35, you have acquired knowledge, but if you use your Times Table knowledge to calculate the price of 7 packets of chips at $5 each (they are really big packets) at the supermarket in order to choose the cheapest product, that is being wise.

I am sad to say that many people are very knowledgeable but not very wise and this is mainly because many years of their life they have been given the false belief that knowledge would bring them success and happiness. It is a bit scary to find that your academic degree does not translate immediately into the degree of happiness in your life.

Many of my coaching clients are financially secure, "well educated", knowledgeable people. Some of them are working on their PhD and the reason they want life coaching is that something has happened that made them realize their financial and academic status have not brought them what they were looking for. Usually, they feel frustrated about it and say they believe that the school of life could have done a better job, and cheaper.

I tend to think that studying has given them something way better than a degree. It has given them skills and helped them discover their passions and abilities. Yet, they had to find those things "between the lines". Let's say you take a course and the facilitator says, "This is your assignment. Do it! I will test on it next week". Or the facilitator says, "Here is your assignment. Doing it will teach you this and that and help you develop these particular skills. You will be tested on how well you can use this knowledge, not on how well you can memorize my words. We will check how much you have grown from it as a person next week".

In which course do you think you would learn more? Which assignment would make you wiser?

Motivation is very old wisdom. Community elders of the past knew the dynamics of their group and used that to help their people grow, evolve, stay safe and be happy. They knew that it was not enough to bring a horse to the water, you have to find a way to make it drink.

I often hear about the lack of motivation at school, at home, at work and everywhere else. Life has become so stressful and the "wanting muscle" has become so weak that people feel like giving up. We cannot really blame them, of course, because they have not studied the art of motivation, so they cannot motivate themselves. Motivation, unfortunately, is not studied at school. Worse than that, it is not studied as a subject for pre-service teachers or in any teaching courses.

I believe that socializing agents, mainly parents and educators, must take a course in motivation if they want to be successful themselves and to teach kids successfully how to succeed in life. In the past year, I ran many professional development workshops for teachers and was shocked to hear that personal development, motivation and life skills were not part of what they studied.

One pre-service teacher said to me, "I have learned today more than I have learned in 4 years of my teaching degree on how to teach effectively and how to motivate my students to be the best they can be".

I asked him, "So what did you study for 4 years?" and he said, "I learned what to teach and how to discipline students".

Every time I finish one of these workshops and ask the teachers to tell me what they have gotten out of the workshop, I am shocked again to discover how much the system neglects values, attitudes and beliefs, which is what I call "education".

Easy does not mean wise

When I was at school, I had some teachers who sat on their chairs, leaned on their desks and read to us from a textbook. I hated school and was very bad in acquiring knowledge, so during most of my schooling, I said to myself, "Cool. No need to think" and never complained when a teacher did that. But when I started wanting to know and understood that knowledge was just part of acquiring wisdom, whenever a teacher read form the book, from notes or from slides, I was very upset. "Who needs you to read me the book? I can do that myself!"

I wished for that this style of teaching to be long gone by the time my kids got to school, but that did not happen. Easy living can be addictive sometimes and too many teachers and parents lack the courage to do things differently, choosing instead the easy way of conforming.

It was very sad to discover that universities were full of these. Eden comes home every day from courses in psychology and complains about the same thing, "She read from the slides again". Instead of motivating students to be curious and develop self-motivation to come to classes, to do their assignments, to read, to research, to learn and to collaborate, they use exams and want their students to spit out what the lecturer has said throughout the term.

School is supposed to be a safe, scaled-down kid version of life that allows children to progress slowly, but it is not. The difference between the school of life and the institute we call "school" is huge - one of them is open, evolving and teaches wisdom, while the other looks for the easy way to teach knowledge.

I have chosen wisdom. I have enrolled myself in the school of life and allowed the experience, good or not-so-good, to be my teacher. Here are my reasons.

School of Life vs. School of Knowledge

1. While the school of knowledge is limited to a building, if you choose to study in the school of life, you can learn inside or outside.
2. While it is very important where your school of knowledge is located, in the school of life, you learn everywhere. Sometimes, the toughest places can teach you the most.
3. While the school of knowledge has hours of operation, the school of life is open 24x7.
4. While the school of knowledge groups its students by their age, in the school of life you learn with and from everyone, young and old (often from your own kids).
5. While the school of knowledge offers limited subjects of study - math, literacy and possibly science, art and music, the school of life offers an entire universe to choose from.
6. While the school of knowledge will have you for 13 years and, if you are a "good boy/girl", it will have you for another 3-10 years, the life never stops teaching you.
7. While the school of knowledge requires payment directly or indirectly (through taxes), the school of life is free. You pay with hard work, disappointment and pain, but receive credit through achievement, success and happiness.
8. While in the school of knowledge, you are limited by learning from people who have a specific profession called "teacher", in life, anyone can be your teacher - young or old, stupid or smart, lazy or overachieving.
9. While the school of knowledge tests you at the end of every topic, gives you another chance next term and rewards you with a score, the life tests you ever day, gives you unlimited chances rewards you with achievement, pride and happiness.
10. While the school of knowledge serves political masters and serves their agenda, in the school of life, knowledge if fluid and influenced by time and evolution, adaptable and gives you the freedom to choose what you want to believe.

Remember, in life, there is much to learn and it never ends. Whether you have completed the school of knowledge or not, your happiness is up to you and the school of life is always open to help you to find it.

I wish you a good journey to wisdom in the school of life,
Ronit

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This got me thinking that many parents raise their kids to be competitive or to strive for perfection, not realizing there was a third alternative, which helps the kids build their self-esteem and lead a relaxed and happy life. So I wanted to share with you my take on all 3 options and what you can do for your kids through your parenting and personal example.

Competition

Competitive people compare themselves with others all the time. Am I as pretty as Betty? Am I as strong as Josh? Am I as smart as Clarissa? Can I draw as well as Billy?

When they seem to be better than their object of comparison, they are happy, but when the other person seems to be better, they are miserable. Their mood is determined by their choice of competitors, their choice of comparison area and sometimes just by circumstances.

The problem with being competitive is that in a world of 7 billion people, it is very easy to find someone who is better than us, no matter what we are comparing. In fact, whenever we move, change schools, change jobs or just meet new people, there is a chance we will find even more people who are better than we are.

Because we all have different starting point, which we cannot change, any comparison with a taller person on rebounds, with someone who was born in China on fluency in Mandarin or with the Jarawas of Andaman Islands (supposedly the darkest in the world) on tan is simply futile. Likewise, racing someone who is built better and goes through similar training or comparing musical compositions with someone who is naturally gifted in that area are hopeless exercises.

The inevitable result of being competitive is the feeling of failure more often than now and the loss of self-esteem.

I was lucky enough to realize this when I was a child. I noticed that some of my friends were always faster than me, some always jumped higher than I did, some could paint better and some got better grades than I did. In most cases, those other kids were better than me at just one thing or just in one area, but some (and it was harder accepting those) were both smarter and faster than me (and one of them was also more friendly).

To help myself accept that others were better, I noted they were also worse at other things, sometimes had real problems and often were not as good as someone else. For example, while at a Scouts gathering, I noticed some kids picking on our class genius. I came to his aid and as the others went away, I walked towards him to find out if he was OK. He kicked me in the shin. Hard. I hurt like hell. So I figured there were areas in which he was not so smart after all, like the social area.

Mainly, competition is a kind of external focus, a focus on other people, which leaves our self-esteem in their hands. Not so good.

Perfectionism

Whereas competitive people look at others, perfectionists compare themselves against imaginary standards. While some rules are written clearly and are the same for everyone, perfection is a personal matter and a perfectionist's rules of how things should be are typically not written anywhere or accepted by anyone else.

The most common word used by perfectionists is "should". The second most common word used by perfectionists is "must". Perfectionists accept the standards that govern their world so wholeheartedly they never question them.

The problem with perfection is that it is not achievable. It is impossible to do everything right all the time, even in specific areas. We are sometimes tired, hungry, sick and upset. Sometimes, we are faced with problems without the knowledge or skills to solve them. Sometimes, things are in conflict so that doing one thing perfectly means messing up the other one, like climbing the corporate ladder and spending more time with the kids.

Anyone being assessed by a perfectionist is likely to feel belittled and abused, mainly because perfectionists assume "everybody" knows their rules and spend no time whatsoever agreeing with others how they should be measured. In fact, they do not get permission to give their assessment. They just give it.

This invariably leads to an ongoing feeling of frustration, low self-esteem, stress, bad health and loss of friends.

Who, me?

Any competitive sport involves competition, but it does not make the kids competitive.

I coached a boys' basketball for 2 years in a club that had 2 teams. One team was super-competitive. The coach only played the good players, gave the boys feedback based on their performance on the court and talked mainly about the score. The parents of the boys on his team valued the same things.

My team was made up of the sons of parents who just wanted their kids to have fun playing basketball. We played the same game, had the same time to practice and played against the other team many times, but those parents cheered when their children got to play, no matter how well they did, and showered them with praise, no whatever the score.

Hand on heart: which team are you on as a parent?

Not surprisingly, the boys on my team often won games because 5 players always trump a single good athlete, they worked hard at practice, had a good time and our families became close off court.

Also not surprisingly, the boys on the other team were grumpy, the parents complained about how little their sons played and each family walked in a different direction as soon as the game was over.

Now, which team would you like to be on?

When it comes to academic studies, music tuition and dance lessons, there is competition too, but the main aim is some absolute score, like the end-of-year grades at school, the music competence level (AMEB in Australia, ABRSM in other places) and the level-based group in which the child dances.

Many parents track their kids' results closely and subject them to extra tuition and extra pressure when they do not meet the parents' expectations (which the parents often frame as "being good enough"). As a result, their kids feel as though they serve their parents' agenda and their self-esteem drops. Because there is always the next level, they never feel good enough.

Other parents allow and even encourage their kids to play, explore and participate. No matter how well their children score on an activity, they are mostly interested in the personal learning and excitement the activity has given them. As a result, their kids feel appreciated, loved and confident.

Which is closer to your parenting style?

Feeling bad?

If you have realized a thing or two above, and you are planning to beat yourself over them, please stop. Remember your parents never read this. If you are a competitive parent, please remember you are reading this alone. If you are a perfectionist, please remember that everything you have read is just my opinion.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you know Ronit and I believe that happy parents raise happy kids. Our philosophy is that you always do the best you can and reading our parenting tips gives you a chance to do things differently by first changing your own feelings and perception and then affecting your kids mainly by being a role model.

I may not have been a competitive child, but I was certainly a perfectionist. On a scale of 0-100, if I brought home an exam paper with "95" on it, I would be asked, "Why not 100?" The question was asked jokingly, as if it was obvious the grades were good, but as a child, I did not know that. Without hearing, "You've done well, son. We're proud of you", I could not say it to myself even years later, so I felt I was not good enough.

May parents meant well. Education was a high value in our home, as was integrity. My 3 sisters have all done very well academically and professionally as a result. But because they were not aware of the consequences of their words and because they themselves did not feel they were good enough (this week, I recalled my grandfather's criticism of my dad and that point really sank in), I grew up to be a perfectionist.

So please start by forgiving yourself for anything you may have done "wrong". Let go of the past and accept it as your own personal starting point, along with your genetic makeup. Growing up in a competitive environment triggered your competitive genes. Being raised by perfectionists activated your perfectionist chromosomes. That was in the past.

Today, you can adopt a new philosophy.

Measuring Personal Progress for Happiness

Brian Tracy is famous sales guru who got me unstuck with this simple method (and I am paraphrasing):

Every day, determine to improve just a little. All you have to do is take a small step forward from where you are right now. Compounding will do the rest

You see, if you take $100 and add 1% a day to it, in 100 days it will become not $200 but more than $270 with compounding. In 1,000 days, instead of $1,100, it will become $2,095,916!

A competitive person will check how others are doing and feel miserable if they have more. A perfectionist will start by aiming at $2,095,916 and spend 999 days feeling bad about not achieving that goal. A person who measures personal progress will start from wherever he or she is right now and keep moving steadily forward and being happy 1,000 days for what little progress he or she made.

Because we all start from a different place, measuring progress works for everyone. It is always relative to US. Because the progress each of us can make is different, measuring our progress in the context of our life works for everyone.

When I got this, I felt huge relief and my happiness grew every day. Now, even on the days with the worst pressure, when things drop on me through email and phone and mess up all my beautiful plans, I take a deep breath and say, "I will do what I can today and I will make progress. It will all add up to big results over time".

And my kids have felt it too. My relief affected them bit by bit, until it compounded to more closeness, more openness, more self-esteem and more happiness. I applied the same method to building my relationships with them and it worked there too. Every day, I tried to do something different - more softly, more clearly, more lovingly and sometimes more firmly.

Maybe there are better parents than me out there. Who cares? Maybe I am not the perfect father. Who cares? I am making progress and I am happy.

How about you?

Happy parenting,
Gal

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• Living in a Dress Rehearsal
• Winners vs. Whiners
• The Mean Average