Family Matters

Posts Tagged ‘social skills’

Bullying is part of every kid’s life, unfortunately. It is estimated that every person bullies someone, is bullied by someone or witnesses someone else being bullied during childhood.

I am writing about bullying because some of my work with kids, although it seems related to academic achievements and learning difficulties, is overcoming emotional baggage that starts with some form of bullying.

First, let’s get the facts straight.

What is Bullying?
Bullying is a conscious, repeated, hostile, aggressive behavior of an individual or a group abusing their position with the intention to harm others or gain real or perceived power.

There are many definitions of bullying, but they all consist of the key words “power”, “aggressive” and “repeated”.

To my surprise, most kids do not know what bullying is.

One of the biggest challenges for parents in our time is, well, time. Or at least the shortage of it. Having to keep up with inflation, with the Joneses, with technology, with the news and with ever-increasing demands at work means that many parents need a place for their kids to be after school hours.

Of course, we do not want our kids to be just anywhere. We want to keep them in a safe place, operated by friendly people who like kids, where our children will be kept occupied, interested and preferably even educated. Not an easy thing to find, especially when that place also needs to make money…

On the emotional side, leaving our kids with others and staying long hours at work creates loads of guilt feelings. If you have ever put your child in childcare, I am sure you have thought to yourself, “What kind of a parent am I if my kids spend most of their days away from me and get most of their care from other people?”

This story is not just about one place. It is not even just about after school care. This story is to tell you that when you have to find a place for your kids to spend some time, you can actually find them and your kids can actually be happy there.

My daughter’s Grade 4 teacher, Mr. M, loves stories and, a lot like us, he thinks that if he inspires kids to love reading and writing, he will consider himself a very successful educator.

Two weeks ago, Mr. M told the kids a story about a club. He told them the story over a few days and the kids liked it very much. The girls in the class were so inspired they started a new club – “The Girls’ Club”. All the kids were so happy about the idea of clubs that over a week, each group started its own club.

Mr. M’s idea was very good and talked with the kids about inclusion and about the sense of belonging people have when they join a club, but he did not take into consideration that kids will use this “clubbing” idea to exclude others (or maybe he did).

Last week, I wrote about the notion of fairness and how it can be used to manipulate people to do what we want them to do. Today, I am going to cover “the dark side” of fairness, which makes us do things we later regret.

If you have ever broken up a fight between kids, you are familiar with the exclamation “He/she started it!”

Further investigation into who “really” started it usually yields a detailed list of escalation steps, starting with something surprisingly small, even trivial, like “He stepped on my dragon” (little rubber toy dragon, that is) or “She made a face at me”.

But it is not just kids, is it? Any “married couple” (any couple sharing a life together for long enough, really) can tell stories of fights that started from nothing and ended up in days of angry silence, only to be resolved later when the original issue was finally addressed on its own.

So why is it we can be pulled into bad cycles with little things and get into big trouble “all of a sudden”?

When the ancient Romans wanted to be fair, they gave “quid pro quo”, literally “something for something”, meaning “a favor for a favor” or “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”. Not that they were fair to everyone they met – just ask the other ancient peoples of Europe and the Middle East – but this particular expression stuck.

More importantly, the people of our time still feel the need to be fair and return favors. So much so that it can be used to manipulate us in various ways. I want to talk about that today. It also makes us do things we later regret, but I will talk about that next time.

To find out how this notion of fairness works, Psychology researchers went to a museum. They joined a tour, picked a person and started talking to them, then went away and returned with two cans of soft drink, one of which they offered that person, who had been a total stranger only 5 minutes earlier.

The topic of repeating a year bothers many parents. Recently, I was asked by another parent for advice on this matter. I have chosen to present her story here and hope other parents will benefit from my advice.

She write: “Last night I read your comments to Repeating a School Year, which is our own situation. My boy was also born in May and he started school when he was 4 & half years old. We struggled throughout his school years. I felt exactly the same like Mama Fiona – I also found a huge maturity difference to his peers who are 1 year older in most cases. Academically he is sound but struggles to remain there, and keeping him focused is a constant battle. My gut is telling me he needs to repeat, more so for confidence and to help him settle better with kids his own age. School is resisting this as academically he is not well below.”

In the Stone Age, survival involved hunting, gathering, finding shelter, keeping a file going and making simple stone tools. Men were men, women were women and kids had to observe and learn from their respective role models how to survive, but it was fairly simple – get food, make sure nothing eats you, that sort of thing.

From a social point of view, kids did as they were told and stayed out of the way of people who were physically stronger. When they did not, they were beaten, denied food or faced danger on their own.

Over time, life changed quite a bit. Farming, wars, new religions, the industrial revolution, colonization all required the development of new survival skills, but generally speaking, one’s position in life was mainly determined by one’s position at birth – place of birth, social status, financial position and so on. Although stories are told of those who have made great changes, most people lived life pretty much the same as their parents had.

From a social point of view, kids did as they were told and were bound by strict societal rules of politeness, respect and service towards adults and people who were socially stronger.

Nowadays, things are very different. Getting from one place to another, far away, is relatively easy and inexpensive, so even young people can afford to travel and relocate and even kids experience the change created by international or long distance moves.

Last week, I described some healthy alternatives to watching too much TV. You may have already found some ideas you can work with. Today, I will describe even more alternatives, which should give you and your kids more options.

Many people, kids and adults alike, use television as an entertainer and a way to keep themselves busy. Therefore, one of the best ways to overcome too much TV is to make other activities more attractive than watching TV.

Examine your watching habits and you will notice that when you are motivated, doing fun things and working towards a goal, you watch less TV than usual. People generally watch less TV when they renovate, when they start a new and exciting job or when they go on a family trip.

I have found that my kids turn on the TV when I am busy or not around. When I am around and I pay attention to them, I talk to them about school, encourage them to do their homework or practice their music, or come up with a family project. When they are with me, they do not turn the TV on.

Start with the weakest point in your weekly routine and give your kids healthy alternatives to watching too much TV. Here is a list of things you can do to help your kids keep busy and not just busy, but actually doing something meaningful and entertaining, fun and rewarding, instead of numbing their brains in front of the TV.

Last week, I wrote about the comparison between a food diet and a TV diet. One thing I find particularly important is Junk TV and this is also what I emphasize most to my own kids. Basically, if most of your food is healthy, eating junk from time to time will not kill you. Similarly, if most of your kids’ TV time is educational and positive, you can allow them to watch some junk TV occasionally.

If you want to make sure your kids do not consume junk TV, you need to define what junk is. Unfortunately, just like you can find some research saying coffee is unhealthy and other studies claiming it can cure Alzheimer’s, you will also find people saying that watching TV is learning about real life and others saying it is anything but real life.

As with any matter of choice, you have to find your own definition. To discover if a show on TV is junk or not, you need to go through two steps:

If you think a show is junk – easy! No need to debate this, but very important to remember why you categorize it as junk, so you can use the explanation to help your kids understand your approach.

If you do not think a show is junk, watch your kids’ reaction to it. Some shows are neither good nor bad, but the kids’ reaction to them may be the reason you should consider them unhealthy. For example, say your kids watch Superman and think they can fly from the window, this show is a bad influence on them, regardless of how many good messages there are in it. Observe your kids’ mood and behavior after watching various shows and listen to how they replay and recite parts of those shows later on.