Family Matters

Posts Tagged ‘social skills’

If you have read about the 20 types of difficult people, you might have started to see difficult people everywhere. It must be very scary to think you are surrounded by them, but I think it is very important to define each difficulty better, because there are not that many of them out there.

Usually, we call others “difficult” when we find them hard to deal with. Although we find it hard to deal with them, this does not make them difficult people. Sometimes, the combination between people highlights their difficulty, so to make sure that the difficulty is not just a conflict between the two of you but something general, check that this behavior is a pattern that appears in this person’s communication with others as well.

If more than three people think they have a dysfunctional relationship with this person, and for the same reasons, it is usually a sign that the problem is with the difficult person and not with the combination of both of you. If others share mixed impressions of that person, we should take a closer look at our particular interactions with him or her.

For us to consider someone as difficult, we also need to make sure that the behavior is not temporary but consistent. We all have times when we show off, we all joke sometimes and even say something sarcastic, but it does not make us difficult. Usually, it needs to happen consistently over a period to be considered a problem. If someone is suddenly difficult, he or she is not a difficult person – they are just experiencing a temporary challenge they cannot handle. In that situation, maybe there is something we can do to help them.

Here are types that can be mistaken for being difficult and we need to be careful before considering them difficult.

Here are 10 more kinds of difficult people. Like in my previous post, I recommend finding people that match the description and checking if you have any of these behaviors.

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, “Am I difficult that way?” and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Show offs

These are people that constantly tell you about their achievements and successes, their wisdom and their abilities. When you are next to them, they tell you the same victory stories over and over again, as if they are trying to convince you they are great.

Being around a show off increase our feeling of inadequacy. I had a friend that told everyone about how much she spent on every item she bought and how expensive it was, saying, “I bought this dress for $700. Wow, it was so expensive”. At first, I was happy for her, but after a while, I could not stop thinking I could buy more than 7 dresses for the same price. I think I was exhausted, because it was hard for me to manage my feelings of jealousy.

Our world is a weird and wonderful place, but sometimes, we act in weird ways that make it not so wonderful anymore. In many situations, there is a conflict between what is good for us personally and what is good for everybody. In others, the conflict is between what is good for us right now and what will be good in the future. Without considering the implications of our actions, they sometimes make the world just a little bit less pleasant.

Of course, when we do many of these things and lots of other people do them too, the decline accelerates. I often think of my kids and the kind of place I would like them to have when they grow up and it makes me worry.

When we lived in Texas, there was a period of frost every year. That was bad for the lawn, roads were slippery during morning rush hours and there were always accidents because of the frost.

Yet, a friend of mine found a way to have fun with his kids during that time. Before going to bed on Friday night, he would water his driveway, which was short, straight and steep. When his boys woke up on Saturday morning, the driveway would be ready for some extreme sliding!

This went on for a while and nearly became a family tradition, except one day, my friend’s mother-in-law came to visit on Saturday morning and slipped on the ice. She was thoroughly upset with my friend’s carelessness and promptly sued him (and her daughter, who was married to him) for her medical expenses.

The following year, my friend’s insurance raised his premium and he stopped wetting the driveway.

There are many types of difficult people. Some of them are similar and all of them try to overcome some kind of fear or use their behavior as a mechanism to fulfill a need.

The first step in managing difficult people is to recognize the type of difficulty, whether it is within yourself or others.

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, “Am I difficult that way?” and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Types of difficult people (1-10):

Exhibitionists

People that do things to be seen by others and to be in the spotlight. Their desire to be front and center and receive recognition may cause others to feel embarrassed and try to avoid their company.

Experts

People who like to be perceived as knowledgeable in a specific area. Whenever there is a discussion about the topic of their expertise, they expect others to consult with them only and if others dare to ask someone else, the expert feels insulted. People do not like being around experts, because they push their expertise rather than being kind about it.

Difficult people are energy consumers, hence the title “difficult”. When you spend time with them, and sometimes just when you are in their presence, you feel exhausted. Most people, after trying to handle difficult people a few times without success, label them as “difficult” and after a while, they give up trying.

I was a difficult child for my parents and they gave up on me. My teachers gave up on me and even my friends gave up on me. I needed lots of courage to go through self-reflection and recognize I was not an easy child, not an easy student and not an easy friend. Lucky me, I was only 16 years old when I realized that difficult people are very lonely, they are in lots of pain and no one around helps them, because they cannot take the risk of associating with them.

Difficult people do not have many friends because they are hard work. They usually stick to the group of people that have no choice but suffer their presence, like family, old friends and work colleagues. These people tolerate their presence, but start to resent them if they have to be with them for a long time. They will never initiate an interaction outside what they have to.

Every difficult adult was once a difficult child
At least, they had some difficulties that have made them develop those “difficulties” as a defense mechanism. Difficult children usually say, “No one wants to be my friend”. Grownups change it to, “I don’t need (many) friends”, or, “They’re stupid, anyway”, because their social difficulty is already part of their identity and they cannot see themselves without it. If someone told them they were difficult, they truly would not understand what it made them say it. They do not recognize their difficulty as a problem, usually because it is not a problem for them but for others.

I believe that difficult people struggle to recognize and manage their own feelings. Much like a person with a learning difficulty, difficult people have an emotional or social disability. It is a cycle. Their challenges make them difficult, so others avoid their company, which makes their disability even worse. Their need for company and external sources makes them more difficult, so they get less help and support. It never ends.

People are social creatures. They live in groups, they need the groups and they rely on the groups to survive. This creates some dependency that no one likes. Yes, some people need friends more than others do, but living on our own, not seeing or being in contact with the outside world, would bring an end to human kind.

Friends and friendships are very important to all people, even to those who find it hard to admit, and what social skills we do not have naturally, we can develop.

In the past year, I have had many opportunities to talk and write about my successes. When I examined each of them, I realized that being a very social creature, loving people, understanding the way they function and using my good social skills were real assets to me.

Social skills – Nature or Nurture?
I have not always been a very friendly person. Not that I did not like company, but until the age of 16, I did not really understand the social rules I needed to live by. I had no friends, I got into frequent conflicts with the ones I did hang around with and I was lonely and miserable. My parents had no friends either, so I could not learn from them the right things to say and do around other people.

Then, I stopped reacting without thinking about the impact it has on my relationships and I learned that friendly people are happy people and that social skills can be learned.

From time to time, 10-year-old Noff makes me so proud I just have to write about it. This girl inspires me so much I want other parents and kids to be inspired too. To me, these are the things that make the world a better place. This time, Noff showed how to be a good friend.

Noff’s school has a special unit for children with various disabilities. These kids spend much of their time in “normal” classrooms and go to the special unit for additional support, specific exercise and maybe a little bit to get out of classroom competition.

At the same time, the school includes these special students in every extracurricular activity – choirs, school plays, instrumentals bands and even dance troupes. We are amazed and moved to tears watching the little brave souls get up on stage with walking frames or in electric wheelchairs during concerts and performances and pour their heart out, their faces beaming with joy.

Some time ago, I picked Noff up from school and she said that one of the special education teachers had approached her and a few other girls for a secret mission. She said, “She wanted us to help one of the girls without telling anyone about it. She said the girl needed someone to help her get from the special unit to class and back and someone else to protect her in the playground from bullies”.

“Wow”, I said, “Are you proud she picked you?”

“Yeah!” she beamed at me, “And straight away, I asked her if it was Kelly [not her real name] and she looked surprised, but I know it’s hard for her to walk all the way to the special unit and back with all her stuff and I know some kids are picking on her”.

Fear of people is a modern vehicle for many things, like product sales, communal loyalty, organizational compliance and patriotism, which is why we are surrounded by alarming messages about the people around us and the people in other places. Unfortunately, once we become afraid of people, we can no longer tell them apart, because we cannot see them through our defenses.

I walk around our neighborhood in the mornings and see different people. What surprises me often is how they respond when they notice me approaching. I am not too tall and quite thin, I wear normal clothes and a hat and there is nothing in my appearance that should cause anyone alarm. See for yourself on the left (not the best picture of me, but you get the idea).

Yet, some people cross to the other side of the street. They literally pick a spot well beyond contact distance and pretend they cannot see me. Other people, who might have to cross back to “my” side later to keep going, look down as they walk past me or give me a nervous forced smile, while picking up their pace.

I do not take it personally, but it makes me sad.

Now, I used to suffer from fear of people myself. Maybe this is why I interpret others’ behavior this way, but hopefully my suggestions today will be helpful either way.

I am sure you will agree that nobody is perfect and that kids, being people-in-the-making, cannot be expected to be perfect. So when your child struggles with some difficulty, it can be just part of being a child or it can be something else. It is often hard to tell.

Community nurses will tell you that the phrase “Mama knows best” is true and when a parent feels their child is suffering some kind of problem, they should be taken seriously and the child should be thoroughly checked until the problem is found and fixed. Ronit helps identify kids’ problems regularly and is amazed at how many times parents arrive in desperation, having been dismissed and ignored by “the professionals”.

So whether you are Mama or Papa, if you suspect your child might be having some sort of a problem, you know best. Do not let anyone put you down or discourage you. Your child is your responsibility and if you say he or she needs help, that is good enough. Keep on searching and doing the best for your child until you succeed.

What’s the problem with my child?

Excuse me if I use a computer metaphor, but in the IT world, there are 3 kinds of people: hardware engineers, software developers and implementers. Hardware engineers know how to combine electronic components and build computers. Software developers enable the hardware to do a lot of wonderful things. Implementers (business analysts) choose the best hardware, software, settings and methods to use in a particular context.

Parents, unfortunately, have to be all of them.

Every parent wants well-connected kids. Many people invest a fortune to allow their kids to hang around others they may benefit from. The saying “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know”, is very tough but true.

I learned it the hard way that connections get you places and that there is no need to fight it. I remember the first time I realized it when I was about 24 years old and went to the bank to get with a credit application. As Gal and I sat down in the manager’s office, he looked at us like we were two young kids and said, “Never! I don’t know you and I can’t give you any credit”.

People like doing business with people they know. There is an assumed trust with someone you know. My dad had suggested he come with us to the bank, but I said, “No! It’s not supposed to be like that”. We both had salaries, we owned our home (and had a huge loan my dad had organized) and I was convinced the bank manager would look at the facts and understand we were a reliable couple, but he did not.

At one stage, I asked the bank manager, “Do you know my dad?”

He asked, “What’s your dad’s name?”

When I told him, he cried, “Why didn’t you say so? Sure, I’ll give you credit! Here, give me the form and I’ll sign it”

I was furious, but I realized my dad had built this connection for a long time and it was just wise for me to take advantage of it. I also realized I had to do the same for my children.

Much of our success in life depends on our ability to network and connect with other people. This is a very important skill that your kids will learn from you. It is almost a form of art.

In my leadership training, I tell the participants that good leaders have good networks and they build them like spiders. Every person they meet, they weave a web that connects them. This is true in life and in business. You connect with people and you both benefit from the relationship. Benefit does not have to be financial, it can be emotional, but as long as both sides benefit, the relationship will continue. This is a very important social skill to teach children – having a network of friends is important for their success and it based on “give and take”. In a good relationship, you cannot be a constant giver or a constant receiver.