Family Matters

A young man in a 4-wheel drive was stuck in a remote desert place. He got out of his car and was very disappointed to see his front tire blown. He hurried to the back of his car for the spare tire.

Divorce costs time, energy and money. Over the years, we invest hopes, time and energy into the “business” called “family”. We start to buy houses, cars and material things together and become the shareholders of one unit. The emotional investment is the most expensive of all. Throwing all your investments away is always painful.

I remember the day my daughter was born. Gal and I moved from being a couple taking care of ourselves, concentrating on our needs and aspirations, into being a family. It was a big feeling of responsibility mixed with joy. It was the beginning of a different journey.

People who are happily married are a good source of inspiration to couples who struggle so let’s try to learn from those who have been in “the business” of marriage for a long time.

My mother always said, “When you marry a person, you also marry their family”, and she was right. Lots of people have tense relationships with their in-laws, and many stories have been told about the mother-in-law.

“Marriage is the foundation of the family and the family is the foundation of society: if we strengthen marriage, we strengthen the family, we strengthen the children and we strengthen the community. If your goal is to help improve the world, marriage is as good a place as any to start” - Diane Sollee, Grand Rapids Family Summit, 1998

Soon, Gal and I are going to celebrate our 28 years of our life together. Every year that passes, we get more and more requests for our relationship program from people who are considering divorce. The good news is that they look for solutions before they “turn off the light and send the actors home”. The bad news is they are in an emotional turmoil and are very very unhappy.

Many of the conflicts between parents and kids are related to household chores. What usually happens is that parents are (of course) responsible for the household chores and find it very difficult to handle everything by themselves, so they ask the kids to share the load of cleaning and taking care of the house.

My client Meg came today very emotional and sad. She had been successfully working on her relationship with her husband for over 3 months but doubts had crept in after a serious argument.

Meg has been with her husband for over 10 years. When he started talking about having kids, she started talking about divorcing. “I do not know if we love each other anymore. We don’t have fun together, the sex is not what it used to be”, she thought and came to me for coaching to make the decision about staying or leaving.

This week, I went to my young daughter’s school with a group of other mothers to celebrate the teacher’s wedding. On the card from all the families in the class, I wrote “Happy wedding day”, but I did not think it was the right blessing. You see, my wedding day was not a happy day at all (too much family politics), but it did not change the fact that Gal and I have been together for over 27 years and are still very much in love. In my head, a happy wedding day is no guarantee for a happy marriage and I am sad for it. I would certainly like it to be a sign for the years to come, but it is not.