Family Matters

Questioning is an excellent way to gain understanding and knowledge of each other, of ourselves and the world around us. According to Oxford English, to question is “The action of inquiring or asking. The starting or investigating of a problem: inquiry into a matter. To inquire or seek after”. As parents, we can use questions in two ways to improve our relationships and further our understanding of our kids.

Last week, on our way back home from a weekend at friends’ house, our 12-year-old son Tsoof asked if we thought he was a “super kid”.

In the past year, we talked to him a lot about three kids in his music department that everyone, including us, think of as “super kids”. They are older that Tsoof and are very very very smart and talented. All three of them are wonderful role models for him.

Well, this made us wonder about Tsoof too.

This question usually comes up after parents are informed by their child’s teacher that the child is not keeping up with their schoolwork. However, although the indication given is academic, the problem is most often emotional.

Single-sex schools originated during the 18th century, when rich families sent their sons to “special” schools. Only later, in the 19th century, when the awareness of the value of education increased, were girls also sent to study. Single-sex schools were very popular in England and now also in Australia.

Today, the single-sex schools are popular among religious populations and even more during high school.

Last week, in Self Esteem Mini-Course (part 1), I wrote about the definition of self-esteem. This week, let us explore how school promotes low self-esteem in children and shapes our society in the opposite way.

Since our self-esteem is based on our perception of ourselves and school is the place we spend most of our time between the ages of 6 and 12, every school experience either increases or decreases our self-esteem.

Possibly the greatest optimist in history was Thomas Edison. He went through 1,500 attempts to come up with the right wire to light his bulb. He never thought that each attempt will repeat because he was not the same person after that attempt. The Thomas Edison preparing for his 1,500th attempt knew something that the Thomas Edison preparing for his 1,499th attempt did not know.

Imagine that knowledge is blood making its way into the heart and the emotional problem blocks it from moving forward and causes a heart attack. Yes, we can go through heart surgery but any doctor will prescribe a good eating plan with exercise and stress elimination, otherwise it will happen again.

In Israel, there is a form of communal living called “Kibutz”, where children live in a room with other kids almost from birth and are being cared for by a carer. In that arrangement, parents came to spend time with their kids before and after work, met them for breakfast, lunch and dinner in the communal dining hall but the kids spent most of their life with their carers and friends and hardly ever slept at “home”. A research over 40 years found the most amazing thing - although those kids spent fairly little time together with their parents, all of them declared that their parents had the biggest influence on their life.

Why wait until your kids are 40 and miserable? Is it not better to give them a head start in life?

Why let them develop ineffective habits? Is it not better to help them develop powerful ones instead?

Sometimes when I give my clients things to do at home, I find myself having this old feeling towards homework. Most of my clients are grown ups and I give them homework. It does not matter how hard I try to call it “assignments”, “thinking exercises” or “activities”, I still think of it as “homework”.

If you recall, school and I were not the best match. I was not a good student (good choice of words, Ronit!) and I never, never did my homework. I hated homework!