Family Matters

This typically happens to parents with their children as they grow up. When babies are born, they can sleep for hours, make a mess, not answer your questions, look away when you talk, pee on you and cry loudly, no matter what you are trying to do at the time. And that is OK. In fact, whatever they do is great.

But if a toddler cries in the middle of the supermarket, the pressure is on. “I want you to stop crying right now! You’re embarrassing me in front of all these people. Just sit in the trolley and be quiet”.

About 10 years later, it becomes “Why won’t you talk to me? Why won’t you tell me what’s on your mind?”

Last week, When Gal wrote about the dark side of Quid Pro Quo, it made me think immediately of solutions to that effect.

You see, much like in Gal’s example of fighting with your husband, wife, kids, your own parents or just anybody else, life is full of little personal wars – you do something I think is hurtful, I do something to hurt you back.

Wars have become part of our life. I think that as we grow up, we shift from “living” to “surviving”. If we do not fight someone else, we fight ourselves, our desires and dreams, using norms and external rules of behavior.

The wars with others are loud and produce feelings of revenge and anger. The war inside echoes in our mind and produces regrets and low self esteem. But in wars, there are no winners, only those who lose more and those who lose less.

This reminds me of the story of the line. I think this story speaks for itself. Enjoy!

Last week, I wrote about the notion of fairness and how it can be used to manipulate people to do what we want them to do. Today, I am going to cover “the dark side” of fairness, which makes us do things we later regret.

If you have ever broken up a fight between kids, you are familiar with the exclamation “He/she started it!”

Further investigation into who “really” started it usually yields a detailed list of escalation steps, starting with something surprisingly small, even trivial, like “He stepped on my dragon” (little rubber toy dragon, that is) or “She made a face at me”.

But it is not just kids, is it? Any “married couple” (any couple sharing a life together for long enough, really) can tell stories of fights that started from nothing and ended up in days of angry silence, only to be resolved later when the original issue was finally addressed on its own.

So why is it we can be pulled into bad cycles with little things and get into big trouble “all of a sudden”?

When the ancient Romans wanted to be fair, they gave “quid pro quo”, literally “something for something”, meaning “a favor for a favor” or “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”. Not that they were fair to everyone they met – just ask the other ancient peoples of Europe and the Middle East – but this particular expression stuck.

More importantly, the people of our time still feel the need to be fair and return favors. So much so that it can be used to manipulate us in various ways. I want to talk about that today. It also makes us do things we later regret, but I will talk about that next time.

To find out how this notion of fairness works, Psychology researchers went to a museum. They joined a tour, picked a person and started talking to them, then went away and returned with two cans of soft drink, one of which they offered that person, who had been a total stranger only 5 minutes earlier.

Last year, I wrote a post about the 8 worst ways to treat your kids. I get comments on my posts – some of them support my views, while some of them disagree or challenge the ideas I write about – and this post was no different. You probably know that bloggers love comments, but it may be surprising to you that bloggers absolutely love the challenging ones, because they create even more opportunities to write their opinions.

Recently, I received a comment from Sandie, a mother who thought my top 8 tips were “out of line”.

I started writing back, but then I realized it probably needed a bit more attention, so here is Sandie’s comment and my reply. Enjoy!

Dogs are really simple creatures. Whatever they do, they give it EVERYTHING.

If you have ever seen a dog happy, you know they are happy with their whole body – they wag their tail like crazy, they jump around, the breath excitedly, lick every part of you they can reach and even yelp with joy. If you have a dog, just take its leash and stand by the door and you will see what I mean.

People, on the other hand, think too much. Particularly, people care about what others will think of them. So instead of being true to what goes on inside them and expressing it to the best of their ability, they aim for a response out of the people around them and behave in a way that will get them this response.

But that is being manipulative, really.

It is also far less likely to succeed than being honest.

Kids start out like dogs – they get all excited when Mommy pulls a breast out of her bra. They wag their little arms and legs, their face lights up with excited anticipation and they cling and suck with everything they have. When Mommy goes out of their room, on the other hand, they start crying bitterly, twitching their arms and legs in a futile attempt to chase her.

It was 4pm and I finished packing my presentation after running a full day of professional development for teachers. I taught a group of 40 teachers the importance of touch and planting good and happy seeds in their students’ minds.

As I packed, everyone came to give me a hug. I was pumped and very happy. I was having a good day. An older teacher, who had not spoken much throughout the day, talked to other teachers and smiled to me every time she passed next to me, but did not give me a hug. She was the only one who did not hug me at the end of the day. I tried to tell myself that convincing 39 people we all need 12 hugs a day was good enough, even if I have missed one person. After a long day on my feet and doing my best to stay fully focused, all I wanted was to go to the supermarket, pick Eden up from the bus station and go home.

When everything was inside the car and I started driving, the older teacher came out of the building. I smiled and opened the car window.

“Have I given you a hug?” I asked.

“No, you haven’t”, she said, sounding disappointed.

I turned off the engine, unbuckled my seatbelt, got out of the car and gave her a hug.

Loving another person is one thing, but making the other person feel your love is another matter altogether. Differences in communication styles may get in the way, love languages may not match and other circumstances may interfere.

So what you need to do is make your declaration of love stand out so big it simply cannot be ignored or overlooked.

And what better teachers do we have for this but our very own kids?

One day, our 8-year-old daughter Noff came back from school with a bookmark she had made at school. She brought it home with the utmost care, showed it to everyone and told us it was a special bookmark she had made for us and offered it to us to use for our books.

This morning, the phone rang at 7:25am. During business hours, I normally say, “Be Happy in LIFE, this is Gal”, but it was only 7:25am during Summer Break (we live in Australia) and I was still in bed, so I said, “Hello”.

The voice of a teenage girl or fragile young woman on the other end said, “I think I got the wrong number”.

Realizing this may have been due to the way I answered the phone, I said, “Maybe not. Who were you looking for?”

She said, “I was looking for someone to talk to. I thought this was the number for a company that helps people”.

“It is”, I said, trying to encourage her, “You got the right number. It’s just a bit early, that’s all”.

And before I could say anything else, she mumbled, “Oh, sorry”, and hung up.

That left me feeling helpless and frustrated.

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in High School by telling them the difference each of them had made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First, she told each of them how they had made a difference to her, and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon, imprinted with gold letters, which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”

Afterwards, the teacher decided to do a class project, to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a Community. She gave each student three more blue ribbons, and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom, and report to the class in about a week.