Family Matters

Posts Tagged ‘communication styles’

For a while, I have been thinking about this. What a shame! Do you know how many times I hear these stories that say to myself, “I wish everyone could hear it”? Sometimes, I hear shocking things and I think, “I’m fortunate, because people go through much tougher things than me in their life”. I have enough material for thousands of stories, and I mean real life stories, although some clients’ stories are so unreal they sound like fiction.

This week, it hit me big time. Some of the stories I heard from my clients made me cry – one made me cry of sadness and the other made me cry of joy. So I made up my mind to share with you some of those stories. I will write more about the joy and happiness and less about the sadness and I will keep my clients’ privacy, so the names, professions and even gender will not be their real ones, but the essence of the stories will remain powerful.

The first story is about how one of my clients helped her son pass his written driving test after 6 failures.

I am sure you have heard a lot about troubled kids and troubled teens, but not much about troubled teachers. You have probably heard about learning difficulties, but not a lot about teaching difficulties. I think that many times when we do talk about kids’ difficulties, regardless of their age, the origin is some parenting or teaching difficulty.

Lately, I have had many requests for kids’ coaching from parents who were concerned about their kid’s behavior. When I asked them to tell me why they thought their child needed coaching, I discovered the most of these kids’ behavior “problems” were the result of teaching difficulties.

Teachers, as most people forget, are just human beings with a big task. If you hang around teachers long enough, you will find out teaching is not an easy profession. Teachers have the ability to make a huge difference in a kids’ life, but they can do it in a good way or in a bad way. They can instill passion, motivation and interest or kill them for life.

So what can we do about this as parents?

Parenting kids is a challenge for most people. There are many things that make parenting such a challenge, but one of the big ones is that a couple of parents is made up of two different individuals, each with their own upbringing, values, beliefs and preferences.

If life was just smooth sailing, this would not be such a big problem, except life is bumpy sometimes and when tensions are high, things can get silly and weaken the parents’ position of authority.

Even when things are pretty quiet, the ever-so-sensitive kids can detect notes of disagreement between their parents and immediately try to use them to their advantage (little buggers). Parents who are too preoccupied to notice end up facing the “But Mom/Dad said” and looking pretty stupid being caught unprepared.

Last week, I received the email below from one of the readers of Family Matters about whether or not her son should repeat a year at school. I am choosing to post my reply here, because I have been asked this question many times.

Hi Ronit,

My son is 7, born 3rd of May and is in year 2. I can now see a huge maturity difference to his peers who are 1 year older in most cases. Academically he is sound but struggles to remain there, and keeping him focused is a constant battle.

My gut is telling me he needs to repeat, more so for confidence and to help him settle better with kids his own age. School is resisting this as academically he is not well below.

Do you think I should keep pushing this?

Last Friday, our entire family went to listen to a Jazz concert, which was part of a series of concerts organized by a university’s performing arts department. One of the members of the band was my son’s percussion tutor at the recent MOST residential camp, as well as the composer of the most exciting music pieces my son plays in his school’s percussion ensemble. We decided to go and finally see this guy our son admires so much.

The performance lasted about an hour and while we were listening and watching them sit on stage with a beautiful grand piano, double bass and a drum kit, Gal said to me, “Just look at them and you’ll be able to tell their communication style”.

It was very funny, because all three of them played for about an hour 6 or 7 Jazz pieces they had composed themselves and they played the whole time with their heads tilted to one side.

Regrettably, we are all born helpless and unable to do most things at all, never mind perfectly. All kids start life in this position, no exception. From there, we do our best to learn the ways of the world during childhood using the only method we can – trial and, unfortunately, error.

As you will be well aware, most of the systems in our life are made to suit some standard, albeit nonexistent, person. We all have to follow the same laws, we are measured and compensated in the same ways as our work colleagues and our kids go to schools that treat them the same too. How annoying!

Ronit and I think often about communication styles as a useful model for improving human relationships and developing kids. As a family, we are lucky to have all the communication styles (Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic and Digital) represented in different combinations in the members of our family.

Martin (not his real name) came with his mom to an assessment with me. He stood at my door, the cutest redheaded 5-year-old, with a cheeky smile. He looked down, but whenever he lifted his head, I could see that his eyes were smiling.

We sat at the table and I gave him a matching game and what do you know, I met another MacGyver, but this one was the first and unique in his kind – MacGyver Pro.

The quote “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you” is widely used by people as a “rule of thumb” for treating others. I must have heard it spoken to kids by their parents hundreds of times in different settings. But I am here to tell you that this way of thinking can get you into all kinds of strife and that if you review your relationships, you will find out how.