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What Are You Saying to Your Teens?
Posted in Life Coaching, Parenting, Teens
by Ronit Baras on March 26th, 2008
As I have written in the post Beware of Pink Elephants, when we use negative phrases, we focus on the things we do not want to. If you have not had a chance to read that post, please do not think of a pink elephant, dancing, dressed with a tutu.
What happened?
If you are like everyone else out there, you imagined a pink elephant and maybe, maybe managed to chase it away. I agree, I was very cruel putting the pink elephant in front of you and asking you not to think about it, but hey, life is the same - we see things around us and cannot choose to “not see" them.
Many of my clients, who go through deep understanding of the pink elephant concept, say it is a lifetime revelation for them and an essential ingredient for a good relationship.
A couple of clients came to me for parent coaching because of a problem they had with their teen boy, and were very surprised when we went through Pink Elephants. They said, "We tell him every day NOT to hang around bad kids, but saying it only puts the focus on those kids we want him to stay away from".
The day after our session, the mother sent me this email:
Dear Ronit,
You won't believe what happened after we left our session last night. I was home for 3 minutes and so many Pink Elephants came out of my mouth… It is so hard!
It is hard, I agree.
During the session, I ring a bell every time anyone uses a pink elephant. This is annoying, but if you try it for 10 minutes, you will find out that we all use many, many pink elephants in our language. We are so programmed to express our thoughts with negatives that no wonder our world is so angry and upset and our relationships suffer greatly.
Pink elephants are the things we do not want in life, but focus on just the same. Pink elephants are all the negative words we use, like "unacceptable", "don't forget" and "no smoking". By thinking of them, we do exactly the opposite of what we want.
When we are not happy with something, we use more pink elephants in our language. If you want to try, write a letter to someone about something you are really upset about, and count how many pink elephants you have there (reminder: pink elephants are words with "no", "don't", "un", "not", "lose", etc). Now, try to rewrite it with a focus on what you do want instead of what you do not want. Yes, this is not easy, but it is possible.
During the teen years, parents are not happy about many things. Their teenagers look for ways to experience life, they struggle with boundaries, with pressure and with finding their uniqueness and many parents lose control of their kids' life at that stage. This is the danger zone, when the parent–teen relationship is filled with pink elephants.
Frustration is good food for pink elephants. When things do not happen the way we want them to, we use them a lot. Parents say to their kids, "I do not want you to do drugs", which gets the teens thinking about drugs. Teens say, "I don't want you to look at my stuff", which makes their parents really curious.
Both parents and teens want good things but use the wrong methods to get them.
Let me give you an example of the communication gap between parents and teens. If you tell your kid, "I don't want you to hang around bad kids", you are saying exactly what you mean, but your child's brain (which cannot not think of a pink elephant) hears, "I want you to hang around bad kids".
It is what happens to most people when they see the sign "Wet paint. Do not touch!" and they touch the paint right away.
The reason this thing happens is that the brain first records "touch" and only then tries to block it (just like you did with the Pink Elephant – the elephant appeared and you tried to chase it away). Since "not touching" is undefined, the only thing the person can do is touch.
When you use pink elephants with your kids, this is very confusing for them. They hear you saying, "Watch TV until late", but then you get upset with them for doing exactly what they think you told them to do.
Here are some of the pink elephants parents tell their teen kids:
- [Don't] talk back to me
- I'm [not] happy you've failed in math
- Your friends, who smoke and drink, are [no] good for you
- [Don't] drink and drive
- [Don't] smoke
Exactly like the couple who wanted to save their teen from falling real hard, you can too, if you just change the focus to what you want your teen to do rather than what you do not want them to do. It is hard at first, but liberating and very positive in the end. Focus on what you want!
Post your alternatives to the statements above in the comment box to practice, but also to give others some ideas.
Related posts
- Who’s Afraid of Teens Using Drugs?
- Just Wait Until Your Kids Become Teens
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- Teens Don’t Stand a Chance Against the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
- Pushing Your Teens to Find a Job
- 8 Best Ways to Treat Your Teens
- Losing Your Teens 102
- 8 Worst Ways to Treat Your Teens
- 20 Things You Should Never Say to Your Teens
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11 Comments to “What Are You Saying to Your Teens?”
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wow this is very useful for parents but if teens read this one they will have the idea of what their parents are saying .. but anyway great post
Troubled teen,
I can see what you mean about teens reading about it.
Surprisingly, we teach this course to teens too and instead of them being upset at their parents, they are much more understanding.
Teens are going to be grown-ups one day (Soon, pretty soon). It is better to give them the tools now. We, parents are just human, we are limited ( or think we are limited) to what we have been taught and experienced in the past and when we tell them that together, we can change it, we seem much more human with difficulties and challenges, fears and sadness and I think this is something missing in parents – teens relationships.
I would recommend all parents to explain this to their kids. It is the greatest lesson to learn. In LIFE, we get what we focus on.
Thank you for visiting my site.
Happy week
Ronit
http://www.behappyinlife.com
Hi
I have a 13yr old daughter who continues to runaway she continues to break rules and not attend school or only when it suits her and her mates. I get phone calls everyday from the school for her behaviour and attendance at school, Ive giving up talking to her because Im just for ever repeating my self time and time again she just tells me what I want to hear and the very next day shes at it again.
I have 2 other children to care for as well, a 17yr son and 3yr old daughter my son is also tired of her upseting me and disrupting our home and family what she is doing to my family i found so disrepectful
Hi Debbie,
What you describe is very common and many parents are frustrated by it every day. However, there are a few simply (not easy, just simply) things you could be doing to smoothen the relationship with your daughter and make you both a lot happier.
Listen to yourself (especially the things you repeat "forever") and ask yourself what your daughter is hearing!
Good luck,
Ronit
Life Coaching for Teens and Parents
Struggling teens that go to the boot camps are more positive towards their life after the camps they now look at the world with new prospective and are not hesitant in talking with others.
http://www.strugglingteen.net
Once teens have lost their way, getting them out of their "habitat" and into a boot camp environment is a great idea and I'm sure it works.
I would hope, however, that most parents can avoid this situation by adopting a positive way of thinking and communicating. I would also hope that the parents of those "troubled teens" do their own personal growth to support the change in their kids when they return from your excellent boot camp.
Ronit
Teen coaching works!
Many programs for struggling teens like residential treatment center, boarding schools, wilderness programs, boot camps and many others are working in country to assists struggling teenagers. Parents must know entire information about any program before enrolling their child in center.
http://www.restoreteens.com/
Teenagers is a period of growing age in this period they have many dreams and desires, and if they unable to fulfill their dreams it can lead into the frustration, anger, behavioral change, bad habits etc. So the parents have to play important role to safe their teens. In that case there is some treatment programs for teenagers problems .
http://www.teenageproblems.net/
Parenting today's teens is one of the toughest jobs for any parents. Most of the parents are looking for a professional help to come out of the problem in a healthy way. Parents should choose any professional help to deal with a troubled teen and come out of the issues in a strong way. There are reputed troubled teen camps with hundred percent successful results.
http://www.troubledteensguide.com/
Struggling teens,
I agree that it is parents' role to make sure their kids are safe.
I do not think there are more problems in teen years than in other years - every year with its challenges.
Ronit
Family Matters
Troubled Teens,
I disagree that parenting teens is the toughest job.
If parents work on their parenting from the day the kid is born teens will be just another year of his life.
I think the image of teens is bad and unfortunately only teens can change the image and they are just too young to realize that it is an image problem and not a real thing.
Catch 22 isn't it?
Parents obviously won't change it because they rather explain all difficulty with " he is a teenager!"
Who will?
Teens unite!
Happy parenting
Ronit
Family Matters