Troubled Teens
June 10th, 2009 | 
Author: 
In the past few weeks, I overheard talk about a teenager (let's call him Jonathan), who used to be friendly and "normal", besides being very talented, but who recently started to miss classes, show up late, fail various subjects and behave indifferently. One speculation was that he might have started using drugs.
I thought this was serious enough to report to his school through a friend of ours, who is his teacher. "Speculation or not, the school should look into it", I said.
"No, it doesn't", said everyone else, "It's none of our business and if we bring up drugs as an option, he might get labeled as a user and suffer.
"Isn't it clear he's suffering already?" I pointed out.
"Yes, but maybe it's something different and we shouldn't butt in", came the answer and that was that.
This got me thinking about the issue of "troubled teens". When I was looking online for keywords related to Ronit's book, "Be Special, Be Yourself for Teenagers", the phrase "troubled teens" featured prominently as something many people (parents?) were searching for and that many websites were offering solutions to.
What is a troubled teen?
"Is Jonathan a 'troubled teen'? How would I know? If he is, what could be troubling him?" I wondered.
So I got online and searched for what defines troubled teens. Here is a (partial) list:
- Out of control
- Isolated
- New social circle
- Concealment
- Problems at school
- Eccentricity
- Drugs and/or alcohol
- Anxiety and/or depression
- Violence
- Negative body image
- Nervous breakdown
- Moodiness
(More on the excellent free site, Troubled Teens Help)
Our young friend Jonathan qualifies under several categories: isolation, concealment, school problems, eccentricity, moodiness, perhaps depression and possibly drugs.
Now, the list above is only one of symptoms, so what might be troubling young adults and cause them to display one or more of the symptoms listed?
Last week, I got a call from a couple of parents, whose teenage son was running away from home and school on a regular basis. They felt very helpless and did not know what they could do for their son. While I was talking to them, I did not hear a single word about what their son wanted, what might have been bothering him or what he has told them in conversation. I also heard nothing from these parents about any plans to take charge of the situation. It was all helpless desperation.
How troubled teens are made
My theory on this is simple. Troubled teens' parents have incorrect priorities in life and personal space issues.
What?!
Parenting priorities
Well, think of most (not all, but most) of the parents around you who have a teenager in the house. Do they work late? Do they spend little time with their teen children? Do they fight with them a lot? Do they insist on academic performance, manners and helping around the house? Do they try to limit their teen kids' time in front of the TV, the video games and the computer?
Think about it. If your teenager is moody, stops sharing exciting news with you, shuts their room door when you walk by, hangs out with kids you do not know, looks tired and even unhealthy and you worry about grades, do you have your priorities straight? If you spend a few more hours at work to keep the boss happy and possibly make more money, while your teenage child spends his or her time with other people doing God knows what, do you have your priorities in the right order?
Is there anything more important to you than your kids?
If anything serious should happen to your troubled teen, will it be any consolation to you that your boss was happy with your work?
Are we in agreement about the priorities issue yet?
Do not get me wrong here. In too many families today, the situation dictates longer work hours and longer commutes than were ever required just to make a living. Still, if your child owns and operates a latest model video game and hardly spends any time with his parents, something here stinks.
Quality time with a relaxed, accessible parent or two is not a luxury. It is a necessity.
Parenting and personal space for teens
Most of western society is based on ideas like human rights, personal freedom and personal choice. Unfortunately, too many people apply these ideas in situations where they are not applicable. Parenting, for instance.
By now, I am sick of seeing the following scene in movies and on TV: parent says something to teen, teen refuses, parent shouts at teen, teen shouts back, goes to room and slams the door in parent's face.
If this happened in my house and I thought the situation was serious enough, I would have no problem whatsoever entering my teen's room and doing whatever it took to sort things out. Sure, my kids might think I am nosy, bossy or obnoxious, but they always know I care and they are certain beyond a doubt that I will never leave them alone in a pinch.
The whole personal space issue with kids is based on the misconception that they can take care of themselves. What utter nonsense! Even legally adult kids nowadays know very little about taking GOOD care of themselves. Most of them still have not figures out important things in life, like their choice of career, their choice of life partner, their choice of lifestyle and so on. They are confused and afraid, and if their parents do not provide some order and structure in their life, they may very well fall to pieces.
By giving teens personal space to sort things out for themselves, we are actually standing by and witnessing their decline, while letting them down all the time.
If we love our kids, we must show it with our rules and our uncompromising values. We must bear the short-term struggles for the long-term safety and strong relationships with our dear children. If we do not do it, who will?!
What can you do as a parent?
So if it looks like your teen is no longer the cute and lovable creature he or she used to be and he or she is turning into an uncommunicative, moody, sloppy, indifferent, ill-mannered mess, get up and do something about it, even if it hurts at first. Open up your heart to your troubled teens, tell them how much you love them, tell them you will NEVER give up on them, tell them you will always be there to help them and force them to obey the rules in your house.
This blog is full of posts about communicating with your kids. There is even a video that will bring tears to your eyes and give you perspective. Arm yourself with good knowledge and win your troubled teen back, whatever it takes!
Oh, and if you know anyone who might need to read this post, why not send it to them? It may be easier for them to "hear" it from me.
Passionate parenting,
Gal
Related posts
- 20 Things Teens Say to Set Parents Off
- Who’s Afraid of Teens Using Drugs?
- Pushing Your Teens to Find a Job
- What Are You Saying to Your Teens?
- 20 Things You Should Never Say to Your Teens
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Posted in Parenting, teens teenagers | 
Tags: academic performance, anxiety, behavior, body image, books, communication, depression, discipline, drugs, family matters, how to, lifestyle, money, parenting, Relationships, teens teenagers
32 Responses to “Troubled Teens”
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I like your point about parents' priorities. I've worked in wilderness camps and residential boarding schools. There is a lot of time to think and talk with the kids. In most cases I was amazed at the relationship the kids had with their parents. Many of them (the parents) were both extremely successful but didn't spend more than a few days a year with their kids (mostly holidays). Time really is the most important gift we can give our kids.
I think parents have got the idea that they should be well informed & educated enough to take appropriate measure in the early stages when child is deviating from the right path. Parents of troubled teens wants to get their troubled teen onto a right path by sending them to a troubled teen boarding school, therapeutic boarding school, boot camps etc. Although, parents need to be very careful of which program best suite for their teen.
I'm sorry to disagree. Sending your child away is the opposite of the solution. I believe problems must be faced and fixed, not avoided or handed over to "the professionals".
Parents have the ultimate responsibility for their teens and must own up to it or they will recreate the problem after their teens come back from boarding school or troubled teen camp. I've met men who were sent away to boarding school and they all wish their parents were different and kept them at home.
Building your parenting skills is a MUCH better solution for everyone (including the younger siblings of the troubled teens).
Hi Boarding schools for troubled teens,
I think parents should be well informed and it is good if they are educated but not enough and it is their responsibility to find the information they need to keep their kids in what seems the right path to them - this is why I have a challenge with the concept of boarding school. The right path needs to be the right for them! not for people living somewhere away from home. Kids needs to be able to make their life right by taking the best they can from their sources of influence : Parents, family members, teachers and what you are offering is giving up the parents, giving up the family members and putting their eggs ( hopefully the most precious eggs) in one basket. woooo, I would say that is risky.
I know many schools that can do a great job. I know many boot camps that can do a great job. I know many programs that are very successful but they all have to have the same ingredient : teaching something that can be implemented in the real world - a boarding school is not a real world to my opinion.
I have clients coming into my balcony every day and I keep telling them, if you come for the one hour joy of Ronit making me feel great - do not come. Everything we do here needs to be part of your life out there, with your wife, your husband, your kids, your boss, your parents. feeling good here is not good enough for me and it should not be good enough for you either. My balcony is pretty with palm trees and butterflies and parrots around - it is not real life. It is not even my real life.
Boarding school is not real because we can't live there for the rest of our lives.
Boarding schools are gendered schools and this is not real life, in real life there are boys and girls and we need to learn to associate with them.
Sorry, I would not recommend it.
Ronit
Family Matters
Hi Troubled teens,
It is sad, you are right, kids could benefit lots from spending more time with their parents.
Even more than having flashy gadgets, fancy clothes and private schools, spending time with mom and dad could give any troubled teen what they really need.
lots of work demands and financial challenges makes lots of parents work longer hours and spend less time with their kids. You are so right "parents' presence is their present"
I am sure camps can do great for kids but they need to be temporary and able to make life better for the kids but not life itself
Happy parenting
Ronit
Family Matters
I remember being a rebel when I was a teen.
and...
Did it work?
What did you learn from it?
What can you tell all rebel kids now that will help them?
Ronit
The Motivational Speaker
[...] Decoder - Breaking down teen culture, substance abuse, and parenting » Blog Archive » Gossip Girl: What’s a Parent of Teens to Do?Hanks Clothing Newsletter and Blog » A Customer Review on Muck Boots The Joy of Being A Mother — Raising Teenagers | The D SpotTeen Dreams-5 Key Questions | Teen Blog Talk Radio Teenage Advice Parenting Teen Help Website Troubled Teens -- Family Matters [...]
I think you're refering to behavioral game theory here. Advanced - classic - game theory still makes all those assumptions.
@Boarding Schools Troubled Teens, Please understand this is a PARENTING blog and we are always (always) advocating parental responsibility over what happens with kids, troubled teens or otherwise.
Our philosophy, which is based mostly on our personal experience (not on Game Theory), is that when parents follow certain basic rules - positive focus/language, good use of communication styles and love languages, firm but realistic boundaries and respect for their kids/teens as individuals - things can be turned around at home.
Sure, there are situations that make this difficult, but most parents who send their kids away should only do it to give themselves time to regroup and then re-integrate their troubled teen into the home. Expecting the boarding school or camp to fix a problem they have created will only cause the troubled teen to stay away, which is not a good thing.
I hope this makes it clearer,
Gal
Parent Coaching Works!
The above article is informative and helpful for troubled parents with lots of considerable information. Teen parenting these days is not an easiest tasks to parents. It is helpful for teen parents to gain more teens information which would help them to understand teen problems and plan result oriented solution by themselves. Get more teens information by sharing your valuable views with other teens parents.
http://www.troubledteensguide.com/discuss-teens-problems.php
Your observations about misplaced priorities are real stingers. I hope plenty of people dealing with troubled teens take a look at their own priorities and those of their children.
Thanks, Brad. Sadly, today's post (Eulogy by a Coach) is about a father who talked about putting his teens first, yet ended up doing two things that are likely to trouble them for the rest of their lives.
The suggested tips are helpful for most of the parents experiencing with troubled teens, it is helpful for every parent to maintain healthy environment in the house which itself helps to deal with any sort of teen problems in a healthy way.
hi, my name is megan. i have a brother who is 15 and very angry, he is extremely troubled as our parents split nearly 4 years ago. he moved and lived with my mum and her new partner. their relationship was on the rocks and still is, and my mum has said some things i dnt think should have been said. but my brother after going through always getting in trouble if my mums partner left. my mum would always take it out on us kids but mainly my brother. and now he is extremely angry to everyone. he is threating to hit, he swears and he has no respect for anyone.
im scared for my brother cause i dnt like to see him like this and i dnt like to see what he is doin to this family. he cares about nothing, and im worried.
please help.
Really the tips given above are helpful for parents who are experiencing problems with their kids.
@megan m, I'm not sure how old you are, and the situation you are describing is quite difficult to change from a child's position. I'd say you can still do some things, though:
I hope this helps!
Gal
Hi all- It’s sad! I see your comments (Baras ladies) as case of one size fits all!
An example, when you have parent of troubled teen age girl
1.Tried everything they know
2.Walked every possible and impossible angle,
3.Worked and still working on their parenting skills, and they would die for their child and they would do their best to stay strong focused and healthy to take care of this precious young lady.
when you and only you know that your child best sent to place where she's Safe have no access to substances and best of all she's asking you to get her out this 'bad influence communities’
placing our children at constructive safe place for only short time in their life it won't hurt them nor hurt the relationship between them and their parents in my opinion, in fact it might allow them to grow, focus on what their really want to achieve for themselves in their future, and whilst they have no access to illegal substances, they might be able to exercise their way to clear and positive way of thinking as they now and only now have their brain finally rejuvenating’ I hope that made sense'
I'm not discounting parent’s responsibilities, but I can only speak for myself
I know that I would jump all kind of hoops to get my daughter of the street.
She is loving, caring, sweet young lady, she still says I love you mummy.
She knows that I would die for her; she also knows that I will do anything to insure her safety,
If that means Boot camps or Farm environment, than yes as long as it provides Safety, Way to happiness, way to self respect, Respect for others, positive activities, therapy in some sort? One could only hope!
My daughter at school holiday camp Wright now and she's having the time of her life. I had to pay $1000 legal fees to have consent as DHS where against it, their argument was she will abscond; she will not like it, sending her away will not fix the problem. And more of this nonsense comments (with all do respect)
I had to put one foot front of the other and keep moving forward and that means ignoring child protection services I believe that when they say no they only protecting themselves and their position instead of doing better job in protecting the children.
I know that I did not take my daughter to camp to run away or hide away instead of facing the problem, I’m in fact owning up and facing the problems by doing something about it, for now one week camp activities is way of breaking the cycle, allowing my daughter room to feel 'normal life’ again according to her interpretation of the situation. She is happy there and having fun, and that means money well spent.
I will do it again.
To all parents out there Please Please follow your heart and DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU WHAT'S BEST FOR YOUR CHILD as long as you are deserving parent ' with all do respect to all parents'.
Finally, professionals help and advice are great but remember most are case of one size fits all.
If you have professionals helping you just keep the communication clear and honest about how would you like them to help? And you can all be one hand or on the same page in order to help your child/children. I know I have struggled a lot with professionals help, now I do fight or flight-you don't like them or they don't like you OR you both get on each other's nerves than do something about it because at the end of the day your child will be the one to miss out in here.
I appreciate your time
Love and respect your children like you do your friends.
It seems to be the tips are really very helpful for parents who are looking for help for troubled teens.
Hi what a relief to read LOZ and to know that my daughter is not alone in what she is experiencing with her 14yr old daughter. Congratulations on having found a camp where she is happy and becoming positive. My granddaughter since meeting new girls at school last term has become a truant, shoplifter, alcoholic, drug user, thief, liar, she is unkempt & absconds persistently from home and school. The education dept told her they couldn't enforce her attendance at school so she never attends even tho some of her 'bad' friends do. This week she and her new buddy had absconded from school before the police who brought them back for truanting had left the premises and they haven't been seen since. The police say as an absconder she is bottom of the search list and they are unconcerned that she is 14 and exposed to drugs etc from these older friends. She is being seen by a phsych for emotional issues but what we think will work is talking with those 'victims' who have come through this to get an idea of how she is feeling and this is underway. Another opportunity presented itself yesterday in the search for her with a young friend who has an apprenticeship. He was horrified she was not at home and absconding and has promised to bring her back tonightwhen he sees her. That is progress and we are banking on having positive peers in her life to turn her around. Don't be too quick to judge parenting skills - my daughter also has a younger AS child and all his life has been accused of bad parenting because professionals are not familiar with the intrinsic issues of AS - his teacher in suspending him yet again last week still said there was nothing wrong with him. In addion my daughter now has the onset of a progressive debilitating disease so life as a working single mum is anything but easy for her and the monthly child support in lieu of visitation just doesn't cut it. Practical help and support is what is needed but there is precious little around.
Wow, this is turning into a really good discussion and hopefully will help some people.
For the record, I'd like to point out that I'm not a lady. My name is Gal, which means "wave" in Hebrew, unlike what it means in English.
@LOZ, you make a good point. When the environment is the problem and, for some reason, the parents are unable to relocate (which is another matter), and when the parents and child work together, a troubled teen camp or boarding school may just be the right thing, especially if it's a good one.
Would you be so kind as to post here the details of your daughter's camp for other people, like @Elizabeth? Let's do the best we can to support one another with that things that work for us.
@Elizabeth, thank you for your story as well. You must be horrified at your granddaughter's absence.
Both of the girls you've described seem to suffer from the same thing: a bad environment, which applies a lot of negative pressure. Is family relocation possible? What about a change of school?
Please note that my post was about parents stopping to ask "What can I do? Is there anything within my power to change that will benefit my teen's situation?" I believe it still applies to most parents, whose teens aren't really troubled, but are just starting to show signs of agitation.
In serious situations, a trouble teen camp provides a "timeout" for reflection, which is very valuable, as long as the long-term aim is to reintegrate the troubled teen into a normal life.
If other parents out there can recommend good troubled teen camps and share success stories, that will be most appreciated. It seems people need these stories, if only to feel supported.
Finally, Ronit and I help parents everyday and many of them see no way forward with their kids. If you are in the Brisbane area or willing to work with us over the Internet, consider our parent coaching. Otherwise, you are welcome to arrange a parenting workshop anywhere in the world.
Troubled teens camps are truly dedicated to support the lives of stressed youths. Highly caring, fostering and motivating environment of the troubled teens camps encourage youths to develop new skills and give their negative hobbies and interests. Camps offer cost effective services. These camps make teenagers socially responsible and amicable.
http://www.teenscamp.net/Teen/Troubled-Teens-Camps-For-Teens/index.htm
Hi all,
There were some pretty strong words I read with regards to the behaviour of teens coming back to the parents. Whilst I do agree that many parents leave a lot to be desired, those of us that care have beaten ourselves up enough, and now need practical solutions to dealing with our troubled teens. In my case, I have spent 20 years with an abusive husband. The mind games were debilitating. He now does the same to our 2 children. To the point that our 12 year old son refuses to see him. He has manipulated everyone that we have ever known, his family, my family, and friends. He has even managed to "find" new friends of mine, and manipulated them too. We have lived a "hermit" existance for fear of abusive treatment from others for the last four years. A year ago, I finally woke up, and stood up for myself and my children. We've come out into the open, held our heads high, and tried to start living a seemingly normal life. But the effects he's had on myself and more importantly our children are still there. If I had a black eye, and bruises, people could see what he has done to us. But we don't. Our bruises are on the inside. I'm screaming out for help, but unless my child is an absolute delinquent, or disabled, there seems to be little help. I'm still rebuilding myself, and at times his disruptive behaviour wears me down to the point I just cry. I can't function. This is not an ideal situation, but with little to no outside support, I'm totally lost. I fear my darling children will carry these problems into their adult lives. My question relates to camps for troubled teens. Especially ones that offer emotional support. I need a break sometimes. And so does my son. A fun adventurous time out could really help our situation. I looked up the teenscamp website, but cannot access Australian camps. I'm not very computer savvy, so it could be how I'm looking it up. Does anyone know any QUALITY camps in and around Brisbane they could post? Even weekend farmstays etc? I'm so totally overwhelmed.
The love I have for my children pains me so.
@Love (what a nice "name"), I've tried to search for you online and I must say there's not much out there. However, I can suggest a few things for you.
I hope this helps, but if not, you can always ring us on 3343 2237.
- "Where there's a will, there's a way" -
Warm regards,
Gal
There are lots of programs for troubled teen out there. To know more about these programs, please visit Wilderness Program for Troubled Teens
Dawn C. Smith
We sent our son to The Webb School because of their focus on education combined with high moral values. It's a great school for troubled teens.
John,
I'm sure some parents will appreciate you sharing the school reference, but perhaps you could also share what it is your son got at that school you could not give him at home, even after reading the post above.
Thank you,
Gal
i agree on what is being said on this article, i mostly agree about adults not being able to take good care of themselves and still figuring out what they want. im a parent and still im confused on what i really want to do, do i work a 9-5 job or just put up a business but that will need capital so i have to stick with a 9-5 job for the moment, those are the kind of stuff i kind of deal with every day. we all have gone by the stage of being a rebel, if you say you didn't then, well, good for you. for those who have like me then we should be the first to understand what our teens are going through because we have experienced it first hand.
its a nice blog really its a helping hand for the parents, thanks for the creation.
I'm sure there's lots of kids who end up troubled because their parents aren't spending time with them, but my brother's proof that it's not always the case. I'm 18, my brother's 16, and we've been raised pretty much the same, mum and dad are still together, dad takes us dirt bike riding on the weekends, mum's always home, we've had our fights with our parents but I think that's pretty standard for teenagers haha. But my brother treats our parents with no respect, tells them to f* off if they ask him to do chores, and he keeps stealing money out of our wallets. He hasn't had any more or less time spent with mum or dad than me or my sisters. Some people are just wired different.
Andrew, there are certainly other things affecting one's nature besides the amount of attention from parents. One of them is the position in the family. A firstborn is typically (not always) responsible and acts like a parent in many ways, while the second acts more like a child and runs away from responsibility.
Also, what you see is not what your brother sees. To him, his life may be completely different from yours for various reasons, like teachers, certain events that have shaped him, his social circle and even differences in what's available to him in terms of technology. A single bully in his life can cause him to go nuts if he can't express himself, for example.
Dirt bike riding is a lot of fun, but sometimes it's not enough, and going easy on your brother with chores is not what I would do. Just this week, I found myself telling Eden she was too soft on her younger siblings and that she should reconsider this with her own kids. I said to her that my parenting is sometimes demanding, because I want my kids to be able to handle life independently, and that I combine it with being fair. My kids can see I ask them to do the same things I ask the others to do, so they get over themselves and participate.
Perhaps your parents should review their approach and be as strict with your brother and as demanding as they are with you. It may be hard at first, but he will see it as a sign of love and caring. Please tell your parents that boundaries make kids feel safe and that they not only have the right to instruct your brother, they also have the obligation to do it as his parents.
Good luck,
Gal