This week, I had a talk with my 19-year-old daughter about leaving home. Because some of her friends had left home and then had to come back due to financial difficulties, we talked about the emotional aspect of "going back home". When we talked, she told me about the feelings of shame, failure, disappointment and many other negative feelings that would be associated with having to go back home. It was after this talk that I realized there is one more thing I want my kids to know.
The following is a very true story.
Wendy met Michael when she finished her medical studies. She was from Melbourne Australia and he was an intern from the US. Their love was big and they moved together to the US to live next to Michael's wealthy parents. Wendy's parents were not happy about it at all.
When their second child was born, Michael, who had easy access to drugs, became addicted and started using drugs regularly. When their third child was born, Michael had a drug-induced psychotic episode and tried to kill Wendy and the baby.
Wendy was scared. With no support system and after attempting to get Michael some help, Wendy filed for divorce. She went to court to get custody of their kids, but being a dependent in the US, during the court hearing, Michael got custody of the kids – a 6-month-old baby, a 2-year-old and a 3-year-old. Michael could not function at all as a parent because of his addiction, so his parents had the kids for about a year until the court finally decided to give the kids to their mom.
Happily reunited with her kids, after the worst two and half years of her life, Wendy decided to go back to Australia. She called her mother in Melbourne and said she had the kids and she was returning to Australia in two weeks. Her mother said, "Don't come here".
When I heard Wendy's story, it was inappropriate to cry in front of her, but I then made up my mind that I would let my kids know that my door is always open to them and that if they ever need me to shelter them from the world and help them recover from whatever happens to them, I will embrace them and accept them, together with their own family.
Here is what I wrote for my kids:
My dear child,
I want you to know that whatever happens, in whatever trouble you are, no matter how silly or stupid or dangerous the thing you did was, no matter how old you are, no matter how many kids you have, no matter what conflicts we have and how upset I am, my door is always, always, always open to you!
If I have to, I will have your kids in my bed for years until you feel strong enough to live on your own.
Home is not the bricks that surround the space we live in. Home is where people who love you are with their arms open to hug you and comfort you in times of pain.
When you are happy, the door is open:
we are here to congratulate you on your success.
When you are sad, the door is open:
we are here to comfort you in your disappointment.
When you are lonely, the door is open:
we are here to keep you company.
When you are scared, the door is open:
we are here to spread our wings and shelter you.
When you feel you have failed, the door is open:
we are here to remind you of your great achievements.
When you are hungry, the door is open:
we are here to offer you the food on our table.
When you are in trouble, remember, the door is always open.
When you feel lost, we are here.
Come. No need to knock.
We'll give you a compass to find your way
- Ronit Baras
My wonderful kids, I want you to carry this poem with you so you never have doubts whether or not to come.
As long as I am alive, my door is always open.
Love,
Mom
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Ronit Baras is a
life coach, public speaker, journalist and author, living in Brisbane. She coaches
couples,
parents and
kids and delivers powerful, inspiring presentations and workshops on winning attitude, wealth mindset and parenting.
Have Your Say
[...] here for you” (for inspiration, see “I will come” post and video and “The door is always open“). Make sure he knows that asking for your help will always be [...]
I think that if you parents give you the feeling that you are always welcome at home, you'll never put yourself in a situation where you will need to and your relationship with them will be better. As harsh as that sounds, if you have the feeling that you are safe and there is always a back-up, you have the confidence and self-esteem to choose the best thing for you. You won't need to test your parents and you'll never push too hard, just to see how far you can go and how long they will still love you.
HI E,
Great to see you here again.
I agree, if parents give their kids this understanding they will have less trouble.
I was lucky to get that feeling from my parents. I go to schools and talk about it with my parents ( workshop parents) and explain to them that kids ( no matter how old they are) must know the door is always open.
I do not think kids test their parents love. I think they do sometimes make mistakes and they need to be able to go to the people that loves them dearly and get energy to start again. we are just human, we make mistakes, we think it will be right and we do not have the ability to look forward.
you are wise.
Happy day
RonitBaras.com