Divorcing Your Parents (Poll)
May 27th, 2008 | 
Author: 
I get many questions about parent-child relationships and thought it would be a good idea to have a poll about your relationship with your parents.
I have been talking (OK, writing) a lot about parenting and relationships and I believe that the way our parents bring us up has an enormous effect on our attitude towards our own children (for good and for bad).
You think of the word "divorce" as describing the situation when a couple is going through a relationship breakdown. However, parents and kids (even grown-up kids) go through what I like to call an "emotional divorce".
The separation starts naturally when the kids leave home and start to see their parents less and less often. This is a natural progression. However, unfortunately for most, it starts much earlier - the "emotional divorce" can take place when teens are still living at home but the relationship with their parents goes bad. The consequence of this is that, once the kids reach a point when they have their own kids, they are still in the process of making the hard decision as to whether they should now totally divorce their parents or not. This is not the best time for this to be taking place.
I believe it is the emotional relationships parents and kids establish with each other while they share the same house that determines the connection and communication between them later on in life.
Whether you are 12, 22, 32 or 62 years old, you can answer the questions below.
If your parents are not alive, answer the questions about the relationship you had while they were alive.
Are you in a good relationship with your parents?
I am looking forward to seeing the results of this poll. Feel free to expand on your response further by posting a comment below.
I hope that by coming here regularly you can read tips, ideas and up-to-date research about the parent-child relationship to help you be a happy parent, as well as a happy child.
Happy day,
Ronit
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Posted in Parenting, Poll, Relationships | 
Tags: Emotional Intelligence, kids children, love, parenting, parents, personal development, personality development, Poll, Relationships, self improvement
52 Responses to “Divorcing Your Parents (Poll)”
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I want to understand and feel in control of my family relationships but the truth is that I just don't. My father has heart troubles and my husband's mother has terminal cancer. My brother-in-law is facing financial ruin yet we are in no position to help. My dad's twin brother has advanced prostrate cancer. Me, I feel caught in the middle and there's little I can do to change any of it. I suppose I should feel grateful that it's not me, but I'm too sensitive. My judgment regarding my pregnancy and my daughter's schooling seems frozen. I just flip flop on what to do since I really don't know what I want. It feels like going into a clothing store, trying everything on, and leaving empty handed. I've had a great summer and school is about to start, yet I am somehow dreading all of the unknowns instead of looking forward to the excitement of it. I guess it's not true that I don't feel grateful because I'm grateful that my house is healthy, that my pregnancy is healthy, that my husband has been steadily employed, that my daughter is big for her age and excited for preschool to start, and that my mother-in-law had a nice break visiting with us this summer and gave me and my husband some badly needed time off together. The questions of planning how to birth your baby seems frankly trivial to me since nothing with the first one went as planned. I feel more comfortable having the bases covered and then just going along with whatever feels right in the moment. For instance, I won't rule out any treatment or demand any special treatment. It's not like I don't know what to expect already. As far as my mom goes, she may not help as much as she thinks since I am more likely to tense around her than to relax. So I think I need to be direct with her that when I am ready to have her visit us and the new baby, then I will let her know. For my daughter's schooling we found a great private school but it will depend on acceptance and what our financial situation turns out to be a year from now, otherwise we'll just go in the catchment public kindergarten.
Katie,
Sometimes you just have to let go of that desire to control the relationship.
Many problems we have are caused by our attachment to the outcome. If things do not happen the way we want them to happen, it is going to be painful to keep expecting it. You already have a proof that your mom behaves in such a way, to keep expecting her to do it differently is like fighting "reality".
It is sad to hear that so many people around you are sick. I am sure it does not do well to your emotions but you know what? help is sometimes to call and ask "How are you?" or invite them for dinner or send a picture of your daughter as a "Get well" card. Help is not you fixing it, it is you being there without judgment and saying " This is your journey, I am here, I am not taking responsibility and not judging your decisions but I am still here with full acceptance" I am sure you can help emotionally. Change, Maybe you can't change - I guess the understanding we are fragile and are not Gods is not easy. I remember what happened to me when I lost my kids or what happened to Gal when he discovered he had skin cancer. It shakes your world big time and we can't change what happened only what we'll do about it in the future.
I don't think gratefulness is something we should feel. It is an intentional thing we do as a defence mechanism. Being grateful is away to take our life and give it a greater meaning by comparing it to something horrible, hard, difficult, worst. It helps but it does not change the reality only the perception of the reality.
If you feel that you rather have your mom only when you say you want her, it is a great opportunity to practice assertiveness - taking care of your needs, expressing it without hurting others.
My parents are wonderful guests, they help so much but they are full time job. Because they do not speak English they do nothing on their own, nothing. Even if I ask to leave them in the mall and come pick them up an hour later ( and go to the doctor) they say "no". I told them they don't need English to get into shops and see the prices ( They can read the prices) but they are so scared to be on their own and are with me all the time so hosting them is more work than relaxation. My mom is a bit better because she is happy to cook and home and saw but dad ( last time he was here he was 72) gets up in the morning like a kid and says "Cool, what are we doing today" and I need to work a plan of traveling and shopping all day.
When Tsoof was born and they came 10 days after, for a month I travelled with them to San Francisco and surrounding ( We lived in Sunnyvale, Santa Clara). Yes, with a 10 days old baby and after a surgery I did it every day for about 6-8 hours a day. I was happy they came because they helped a lot in the house but it wasn't easy. I was confused and overwhelmed and I couldn't enjoy it as much as I wanted.
This is why last year, when two of my sisters gave birth and I wanted to be there with them I promised I will not come to the delivery and went only when the babies were 8 month old. ( Both of them thanked me for it)
There are so many things that can happen in a year from now. Try to stay relaxed. I am sure you'll find a solution. Sometimes things that do not happen to us the way we expect introduce better options for us.
Stay calm. Do the things you want and make you happy and think of a happy, easy future. Imagening a happy future is the other side of anxiety. Think about it, anxiety is going in your mind into a bad possible future. If you can do anxiety, you can do the opposite, going in your mind into a happy possible future.
Try, it workds brilliantly.
Happy week
I am sending you a hug, watch it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J25jTpshJ8I
Ronit