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Divorcing Your Parents (Poll)
Posted in Parenting, Poll, Relationships
by Ronit Baras on May 27th, 2008
Tags: children, Emotional Intelligence, kids, love, parenting, parents, personal development, Personal Growth, Poll, Relationships, self growth, self improvement
I get many questions about parent-child relationships and thought it would be a good idea to have a poll about your relationship with your parents.
I have been talking (OK, writing) a lot about parenting and relationships and I believe that the way our parents bring us up has an enormous effect on our attitude towards our own children (for good and for bad).
You think of the word “divorce” as describing the situation when a couple is going through a relationship breakdown. However, parents and kids (even grown-up kids) go through what I like to call an “emotional divorce”.
The separation starts naturally when the kids leave home and start to see their parents less and less often. This is a natural progression. However, unfortunately for most, it starts much earlier - the “emotional divorce” can take place when teens are still living at home but the relationship with their parents goes bad. The consequence of this is that, once the kids reach a point when they have their own kids, they are still in the process of making the hard decision as to whether they should now totally divorce their parents or not. This is not the best time for this to be taking place.
I believe it is the emotional relationships parents and kids establish with each other while they share the same house that determines the connection and communication between them later on in life.
Whether you are 12, 22, 32 or 62 years old, you can answer the questions below.
If your parents are not alive, answer the questions about the relationship you had while they were alive.
I am looking forward to seeing the results of this poll. Feel free to expand on your response further by posting a comment below.
I hope that by coming here regularly you can read tips, ideas and up-to-date research about the parent-child relationship to help you be a happy parent, as well as a happy child.
Happy day,
Ronit
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Hi Ronit
Reading this I realise that I am still not happy with the relationship I have with my parents. I dread seeing them sometimes or even talking to them. I know the problem is me not them. Somebody said to me the other day that I am like a puppet to my parents - they pull the strings and I move - I dont like that idea at all but she may be right. Guess I’m going to have to do more work huh?
HI Tina,
It is amazing that we carry our parents on our back for so many years.
I do not think you are a puppet to your parents. I think you care for them and they can not pull anystrings without you to take part in this puppet show
Our parents is a lifetime work, this is why I say, if you won’t sort it out now, you’ll have to do it later…
love
Ronit
http://www.behappyinlife.com
I feel sad that my relationship is not good with my parents. My mother tells me that it is my fault that we do not have a relationship because I do not try enough. She told me that it is my responsibility’s to come to them and she does not have to call me or come visit. I live in another state 5 hours away. My mother has called me two times in 8 years. When I call they do not answer. I do not know if I should let go or keep trying? My heart keeps getting hurt. When I do visit she hides in her room or says she was on her way out the door. I am 1 of 6 children. She chooses who she wants to be a part of… What is the right thing to do - do let go? I feel that some of the pain will go away.
Hi Bridgett,
It was sad to read about your relationship with your parents, though it seems like the main heartache is regarding your mom.
When we say it is someone’s fault for something, we give him the power to control our feelings. Mom is throwing her feeling of helplessness on you. It is never one person’s fault, well, actually, it is no one fault – we all do the best we can so there is no one to blame. I think instead of fault, it is better to talk about responsibility.
You are both responsible for your relationship – in a good way.
I am not sure I explained the relationship model in this site but it generally says that in your mom’s eyes, you are still a kid and she is the mother and is very hard for her to accept that you have your own life, feelings, fears, victories and she is not at the centre of the attention for you. I have to say that as a mom to a teen girl, I sometimes wonder about the feelings of not being the centre of her attention and it is not fun. I know so many parents that give up the relationship with their kids because when the kids leave home (or god forbids! they are going with someone the family did not approve) they are traitors.
You are right, it is not your responsibility to come to them/ call or visit. Relationship is a dance, you need two to tango, if one is dancing and the other is not, we can’t call it a dance, can we?
I admire you for trying, still trying, after so many failure and unsuccessful attempts to get closer to your parents. I personally know people that this thing makes them feel like orphans.
I think inside of you, you’ll keep trying, I know I do, I have relationships that I keep trying to bring to life, some I succeed, some I don’t but I keep trying. (This year I have renewed a relationship I had with a family member that was the closest one to me for about 14 years. Our families had a conflict and we got ourselves into that conflict and were apart for over 28 years. When I contacted her, I was afraid she would reject me, but she didn’t and I am so happy for trying)
Some parents behave in a strange way when their kids do not follow the “family rules”. Be brave to ask ” What would you like me to do to be happy to see me?” “What would you like me to say for you to want my company?” Ask it, take it with you and when you are by yourself ask yourself “Do I want to live by those rules or not?” remember, it is your choice, but at least you know what you are facing.
It’ll be perfect if you tell them what they need to do/say for you to be happy.
Sometimes we need to learn to let go and accept that this is your parent’s journey and they behave in the only way they know how. No one can tell you when is that moment of letting go, please , remember, it is not giving up, it is letting go – in letting go there is a lot of acceptance, in giving up there is sadness.
After you ask them, you can let go, if you stop trying without knowing what they want, this is giving up.
God, I wish there was such a thing, the right thing. It does not exist.
Face the rears of confronting with them about it.
If you can’t tell them, write it to them.
And remember what Richard Bach said, real family is not the people you grew with under the same roof, it is the people around you that love you and respect you.
Choose another family if you need.
Wishes of courage and strength
And thank you for sharing your story with everyone.
May the force be with you
Ronit Baras
http://www.behappyinlife.com
I feel sort of guilty for not having a good relationship with my parents. Well, I don’t know where my dad is currently but I live with my mom, so i should have a close relationship right? For me, it’s not like that. I’m not close to any of my parents. My mom keeps on marrying guys and ends up divorcing in the end and keeps on insulting me for no reason. I’m tired of it. I lived with my grandma before for 12 years but then all of a sudden my mom wants to act like a parent to me and have me live with her. At first, I thought she actually wanted to finally be a parent but I found out the only reason I was living there was to take care of my brother and sisters. Also, she makes me pay for my food and other things that I need. I told her so many times to let me move back with my grandma and all she ever says is “over my dead body”. Now, my grandma wants me to divorce from my mom and to move somewhere else. I don’t mind since all the things my mom put me through.
I’m very sorry for typing so much but I don’t know who else to talk to that will actually listen
Dear Ms. Baras
I was in search of information that would aid me in assisting my nephew in divorcing his mother and her husband. He is being abused and neglected and my family and I need to know if there are any laws that would allow him to legally divorce his mother. I remember hearing of a case a few years ago in California where a young girl divorced her mother and was granted the right to live with her biological aunt. If you are familiar with this case and/or any laws resulting from it, please forward this information to me. My family and I are trying to save my nephew’s life.
Thank you for your cooperation. It is greatly appreciated.
I read your comments on child /parent relationships and would like to correspond with you at a later date.
Sincerely,
Ms. D. Carter
Dear Ms. Baras
I was in search of information that would aid me in assisting my nephew in divorcing his mother and her husband. He is being abused and neglected and my family and I need to know if there are any laws that would allow him to legally divorce his mother. I remember hearing of a case a few years ago in California where a young girl divorced her mother and was granted the right to live with her biological aunt. If you are familiar with this case and/or any laws resulting from it, please forward this information to me. My family and I are trying to save my nephew’s life.
Thank you for your cooperation. It is greatly appreciated.
I read your comments on child /parent relationships and would like to correspond with you at a later date.
Sincerely,
Denise
Dear Reina,
How old are you?
It is so sad to hear that your mom is behaving like this. All kids (and adults) deserve a happy life and while they are at their parents’ house as kids, they should not pay for their food.
But, reality and what should be are not the same…
So let’s see what we can do.
If you are over 18, you can actually do what you think is right for you, go back to your grandmother, it seems she is a better role model for you and she wants you back.
If you are under 18, get help!
Don’t let life pass feeling like this.
If you are attending school, go and talk to the school councillor, this is why they are there. They are there for you, use them!
If you have another family member that can help you, ask for help.
Consider the options: What is going to happen if you are going to live with grandma? Is your grandma your mom’s mom? Why were you living with grandma for 12 years?
How old are your siblings?
In every city around the world, there are social workers whose job is to help. The main problem is you need to contact them and ask for their help. You can use your doctor for help, your church. There are many people around who can help you if you only ask for their help.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and worries with all of us.
Stay positive and Hang in there – life is beautiful; sometimes the toughest things in life are what bring us most power and strength. You are much stronger than you think you are!
Help is everywhere, just ask.
Ronit
Ronit
http://www.behappyinlife.com
Dear Denise,
I have heard about this case but I am not familiar with the details of it.
I guess the question is always the benefit of the child and parents have rights that others do not have.
How old is your nephew?
Is he abused in any way? Neglect is subject to so many interpretations, I think supporting the child in his environment is the best thing you can do at this stage.
Finding a lawyer with expertise in family law in your country or state would be the best approach. I am sure every country has different laws and justice system. I know a social worker that her job is to asses the child’s benefit and make the decision whether to take the child from his parents or not, which is a version of divorcing the child. ( I think I’ll start writing about it more, I feel so overwhelmed every time I read her report but understand that it is sometimes the right thing to do – I am a mom and the thought of someone taking my kids away is scary…I should write about it more)
School councillors are a good place to get such help and until you can really help, it is better to give your nephew strength to handle the situation instead of telling him how horrible his mom and husband are.
Teach the kid (I assume he is a kid under 18) to find joy in life, do things he love doing and encourage him to find solutions rather than feel bad about it. Teach him to find help through school, family doctor, his own dad (where is he?)
It is wonderful you are helping and supporting him with his struggle. Tell me you are always there for him, this is what kids would like to know!
All the best
Ronit
http://www.behappyinlife.com
thank you for the advice.
i’m only 13 but i’m turning 14 on the 30th. My siblings are 11,6 and 5. i don’t really have any family members except my grandma who lives far away from me. i would ask my doctor or church but i don’t have a doctor(that i know of) and i stopped going to church after moving out from my grandma. i don’t really like going to the councillor because they will call home and i wouldn’t want to know what would happen to me.
I am a mental health professional who can’t help her own mother deal with her mental illness. My maternal grandmother passed away two years ago and I think that is about the time my mother’s mental health really started to decline. She has always been depressed and anxious and has never sought treatment for these illnesses. In fact, she hasn’t seen a doctor of any kind in over 10 years.
Around the begining of this year my father began calling me and my siblings asking for help dealing with my mothers paraoind behavior. She doesn’t leave the house without him and thinks that others are after her. Because I have worked in the mental health field for 13 years I immediately offered to help my father get my mother mental health treatment. My father sought to have her committed to a psychiatric hospital but wasn’t able to do so because she wasn’t an immediate threat to herself or others. I began to find information for families of the mentally ill online and sending it to my father. I also started the process of finding mental health professionals in my parents area (they live 6 or 7 states away from me) and making plans to fly to their town and help my father get my mother help.
When I was ready to finalize the plans my father refused to allow me to come to them if I was going to talk to my mother about seeing a doctor. He had not told her that he was talking to me and my siblings about the problem and decided that he just wanted me to come and visit. I was unable to do that. My father threw away all the information I sent to them and even began to put me down along with the field I work in saying that he knows what is best for my mother.
I then set a limit with them that I am sure will effect the rest of my life. I told my father that I couldn’t have a relationship with either of my parents until my mother agrees to get help. I also wrote a letter to my mother explaining that I love her very much and have always wanted her to be happy. I offered to do everything I can to help her get help but I can’t sit by and watch her be a prisoner in her home when I know help is out there.
I’m very concerned that she will hurt someone or that my father will become frustrated with her and hurt her but don’t have any evidence that either of them are really in danger.
I don’t know if I will ever not feel guilty about my decision. I continue to send my parents birthday cards and holiday cards saying that I miss them and want to help my mom get help. I haven’t heard anything and don’t think I will.
What is my obligation to my parents? Is it selfish of me to put own needs for happiness above my mother’s need for support and mental health treatment? Most of all, am I a bad daughter?
My parents are dovircing and I am living with my mom for now
Hi Reina,
God, you are young.
You are a brave girl Reina. I learned over the years to trust kids’ judgment and when they say they do not feel they can contact the councillor because they call home, they usually right. Trust yourself, if you feel the councillor is not a good option; don’t talk to him/her.
How about you work on yourself and your confidence and your assertiveness skills (assertiveness is when you say how you feel, what you think, what you want in a confident voice without hurting others but without hurting yourself too).
I am willing to coach you and build your confidence until you feel you are strong enough to make things work well for your advantage.
Tell me:
Can you call your grandmother easily?
Do you have an easy access to the internet?
Do you have friends in school?
Tell me 5 good things you think about yourself?
Which one of your siblings is the one you like most?
Write me back and I promise to answer and we’ll keep on working on this.
You’ll be fine. Just remember, the tough things in our lives are the ones that build our character and make us who we are. The most successful people in the world had tough periods in their lives and they learned from them, rather than break from them.
You are stronger than you think! You’ll be fine.
Waiting for your reply
Sending you a virtual hug
Ronit Baras
http://www.behappyinlife.com
Nic,
How old are you?
Do you have brothers and sisters?
It is not easy to be a kid around mom and dad going through divorce but I want tyou to know that sometimes it is good for everyone.
Tell me how old are you?
Ronit
http://www.behappyinlife.com
I can’t contact her easily because she’s really sick in the hospital and the doctor said she has a chance of dying. Yes i have access to internet and i also have friends but i’m not close to them because i just moved there. Honestly, i don’t really have 5 things but it would be that if i’m sad i can just drink orange juice(i LOVE orange juice way too much), i can cheer others by making them laugh, if i’m not good at something i will make my best effort to get better, i can’t express myself through words but through poetry, and the fact that i’m willing to overcome my fears to become stronger. i guess….i think my sister who is 11 that i like most because its easy to talk to her even though i rarely see her.
Hi Melissa,
Sorry it took me so long to reply but I was thinking about what you wrote.
It is hard to be a mental health professional and not being able to help those you love most. I am sure every person in his profession, feels the same.
I can relate to what you are talking about because my mom’s health declined when my nephew died. I have a feeling that what is going to make it worst is the fact that everyone uses this to explain the bad health condition, almost to accept the fact that this is life, someone you love dies and you die too.
I think the problem you have (and I have the same challenge) is that you find it hard to accept that your mom is choosing to be in that situation. It is her choice whether to see a doctor or not, it is her choice whether to feel better and be happy. I remind myself that “happiness is a choice!” and your mom has the right to choose not to be happy.
As you know, mental health has no logic.
I think, Melissa, you are a bit cruel to yourself. You are a wonderful daughter and you did what you thought will help your mom and dad. People have so many fears that are stronger and can indeed prevent you from being the daughter you wanted to be. Remember, your parents’ definition of daughter is not the same as yours and there is not “right” or “better” definition.
The limit was not the limit with them, it was the limit with yourself. You did offer to do everything but in fact, you were not willing to do everything. Dad wanted you to visit them and you had conditions.
There is a sentence I keep saying to all my clients “The relationship between us is not about what I give you but about what you choose to take”. We cannot help people, it is not what we really do, we cannot do anything to them, and they have to ask for help, they need to want it.
Guilt is self-punishment for not being able to properly predict the future. When you told your parents about your condition, you expected it to be a statement of love and hoped they will allow you to help them. You couldn’t have known it will end up like this. Forgive yourself- you did what you thought was right. Now you know it did not work, do something differently. Call them, pick up the phone and call them. Your mom might not want your help, but she wants your love – Can you love someone without helping him?
Obligation is a big word. The only obligation we have is to be good and kind – to ourselves. Be kind to yourself, when you are upset, feeling guilty, disappointed and worried you are carrying poison in your body, renting a valuable space in your mind to drug dealers for free.
I believe we are all selfish. We always do what we think is good for us. Even when we say we do things for others, we are actually doing it for us. When we care, we get something out of it. When we help, we get something out of it, even a feeling is the reward we receive for helping others. I tell all my clients that as much as my work is “giving” I receive more. Yes, Melissa, you are selfish and I believe it is normal and healthy.
I guess it is hard to know things and realize that people you care about do not want to hear about them. I remember feeling the same when about 18 years ago, we changed our eating habits. We increased out quality of life so much, avoided surgery, felt so good that we did not understand why people did not want to do the same. We were upset when they were sick or needed medication.
The greatest feeling I have now is the understanding that it is not up to me to change people, it is not my journey, is it theirs. I am not sure I have the right to change it for them anymore. I keep the right with my kids and have a 100% confidence that it is my right as a mother but not with others. When I have such thoughts, I remind myself that I need to respect people going in a different path.
Recently, I spent 5 weeks with my mom and every day, about 4-5 times, I told myself ” Ronit, She has the right to choose her own path, even if I hate it”.
Melissa, again, you are a great daughter who wants to help her mom. There is no such a thing as bad daughter. Call them!
Bless you
Ronit Baras
Relationship Coaching
Reina,
I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother’s condition. Is it possible that your mom took you because your grandmother was sick and not feeling very well to take care of you?
It is very sad when someone we love is in hospital and is very sick. How often do you talk to your grandmother? Can you call her over the phone? Does she have internet?
Do you talk to your friends?
There is a free program called Skype, Google it and you’ll find it is free and safe. If you download it and your friends download it (for free), you can talk to each other with the computer for hours and pay nothing. It will really help you. It helps me when I miss my sisters and my parents because they live on the other side of the world. If you have a camera, you can also see them. It is really cool.
Reina, I am sure you have 5 things you are good at.
What is the subject you love most in school?
Which holiday you love most?
What was the best day of your life?
Who was your best friend?
What are your hobbies?
Write 5 things that will make you happy.
It is wonderful that you can drink orange juice when you are sad. I wish grown ups could learn from you. Do you know what people do when they are sad? They eat sweets, they drink alcohol, they smoke and all those things are not healthy and you are actually doing something healthy, it is wonderful. You are so young but can be a great inspiration to people.
So are you funny? Do you like making jokes? If you can make others laugh, can you make yourself laugh?
Writing poetry is wonderful. Send me some of it. You can use this place to show everyone your poems. I wrote poems when I was young. Well, I still do.
I think it is wonderful you are such a strong girl and willing to overcome your fears and become even stronger. This is a great quality.
What do you mean you rarely see your sister? Aren’t you living in the same house?
How is school? Is it easy? Hard? Do you have nice teachers?
I wanted to send you a virtual hug last time and it didn’t work.
I will try again.
Hugs
Ronit Baras
Click on this and imagine that I am hugging you. This is me, hugging people on the streets.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oV_gY156LOQ
No because my grandma wasn’t sick back then. I talk to her every 2 weeks because of school and she’s usually not able to pick up. I talk to my friends but I don’t get into personal subjects. My favorite subject is actually spanish. I think new years is my favorite holiday because its a new year and another chance to accomplish another goal. Hmmmmm…..I really don’t have a best day in my life but it would probably be when I learned how to make cookies. I don’t really have a best friend anymore because she died 2 years ago….My hobbies are to sing, play volleyball even though i’m bad at it, reading mystery books and drawing for fun. Hmmm….I guess it would be music, the sound of a piano playing, orange juice xD but it really does make me happy, knowing I got a perfect score on something, and making somebody laugh. No, its actually hard for me to make myself laugh unless its something I do and I mess up by accident then I just laugh at myself then fix it. oh no, I’m quite horrible at writing, seriously! Its rare to see my sister who is 11 because she went to court before and he father got custody of her so I get to see her only during christmas and summer break. School is sort of easy but science is what I’m weakest at cause I always forget about my homework but I decided to use my weekends to study it and understand it more better. They’re all nice I guess but I’m more distant like the quiet person because I don’t understand what they say most of the time. Thank you for everything though, I appreciate it a lot. Awww, I wish more people would give out free hugs these days, society has changed a lot from before…
Reina,
Do you think grandma got sick because you left?
I can understand why you do not trust your friends with personal subjects but you can talk about things that are not a risk like, missing your grandma, like dreams you have, like things you want to do and so on, it’ll give you a better feeling.
Spanish is wonderful. My daughter learned Spanish in grade 1 and then again in grade 4 and loved it so much that her dream was that we’ll move to Spain or South America just to learn to speak the language. We brought a teacher home to teach us Spanish and the kids were so happy. (I think it is still her dream).
Do you get a chance to speak Spanish outside of school? Are you good with languages?
Soon New Year is coming. What is your goal for this year?
Who taught you how to make cookies and how old were you?
Singing, sport, music, drawing, you seems like a girl that is Kinesthetic – that means you are a very sensitive girl that needs to move in order to think. You are friendly and very emotional – many times people think that such kids are hyperactive or depressed where in fact there is nothing wrong with such kids, they are perfectly fine. Can you do a lot of volleyball and drawing and sport and sing during the week?
Do you have a piano at home?
What will make you happy?
This is so sad to hear that your friend died. How old was she? How did she die? How did you feel when it happened? I lost people that are close to me and it change my life forever.
How can you say you are horrible in writing? You write so well for a girl in your age and express yourself so well. It is not something typical.
So I need to understand. Where is your dad? How many siblings do you have? Is your mom married/ involved the third time?
Doing homework really helps. Do you have your own room to do your homework? Can you stay a bit in the school library and do your homework?
What do you mean they do not understand what your teachers are saying?
I am sending you all the hugs I have on youtube. I have two more but I didn’t finish doing the video clip because I do not have the time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J25jTpshJ8I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oV_gY156LOQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsBqlKIuC7Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDKOpEEU-Mw
World really changed, people do not hug anymore.
You will be fine, just hang in there and trust yourself. You are smart and sensitive. At start, it is not easy but as a grownup, it is actually a good skill.
Keep writing
All the best
Ronit
I’m not really sure but I would feel a lot of guilt if she did though. I’m sure if your daughter wants that dream badly and does her best, it will happen. No, not really unless I practice it by myself. I’m good at languages if I’m willing to learn it enough. My goal is just to get good grades and volunteer at a hospital or learn another language. My grandma taught me when I was 9 years old. If I don’t have any homework to catch up on then I usually use my spare time to go outside and play or i just sit on the grass drawing while singing. Yes I do have one but I only play it during weekends. A lot of things will make me happy but only for a limited time. She was 12 years old and she died from suicide. It was like my whole world was just going to fall that moment because I thought I wasn’t strong enough to handle life on my own. To me, it’s that feeling when you lost your only sanctuary and you are left alone around a careless environment. Basically, that day, my greatest fear of being alone in the world came true. It’s sad to hear that also but I’m glad that you overcame it. Usually when i show my friends my writings they would say they can’t read it but when I write, I just write the first thing that comes into my mind so I don’t forget. My dad is somewhere far away from me, I only get to see him twice a year. I have three siblings. My mom is married but this is her third marriage. No, I usually do my work outside on the grass or porch and I don’t have enough time to stay at school and do my work there. I don’t understand what they are trying to teach. In my opinion, I think they are rushing to teach us the material we are suppose to know but most of us students don’t get what we are suppose to do. Thank you Thank you! I agree with that and I hope you will also be fine. Thank you, I’m doing my best to hang on as best as I can. Thank you again…usually I hear the negative of me being smart.