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Parenting in Pursuit of Happiness |
How to Fill Your Love Tank
Posted in Did You Know?, Emotional Intelligence, Life Coaching, Parenting, Teens
by Ronit Baras on January 9th, 2008
Tags: hugs, love, teen books
I was running a workshop. Over 30 people were sitting around the tables, all parents of teens who were interested in improving their relationships with their kids (oddly enough, most of the parents who come to my seminars are the ones who need them less but this is another matter).
At one stage, we reached the discussion about physical contact between parents and kids as part of the relationship. We talked about the importance of touch in people’s life, especially teens’, as they reach a phase in their life when they crave touch and can no longer get it at home.
It was a very open discussion. Parents talked about their own experiences regarding physical touch. Most were above the age of 40. They talked about living as kids in a society that had discouraged physical expressions like hugs and kisses as soon as kids became teens. Some talked about coming from cultures where fathers shook hands with their kids. One mother said her teen did not like her hugging and kissing him, especially around others. Then, another mother, let’s call her Maggie, who was there by herself, raised her hand and asked a question:
“I understand the importance of hugs, but I find it hard to hug my daughter. What can I do?”
The room went quiet.
In groups, people need more courage to speak up, ask questions and talk about fears and obstacles, but those who gather the strength to do it, usually help others to open up.
“Thank you for sharing this with us, Maggie. When was the last time you were hugged?”, I asked her.
Maggie smiled. I think everyone in the room was answering my question in their heads.
“I’m a single mother. My last has was long time ago”, she said.
“Were you hugged as a child?”, I asked her.
“No”, she said and tears welled in her eyes.
I, myself, was not hugged much when I grew up. I grew up in a place where babies were hugged a lot and physical touch decreases each year.
When you are not hugged as a kid, understanding the importance of touch and hugs is not enough to make you hug your kids. Having a good relationship with a partner and getting enough physical touch is like filling a tank. When your tank is full, you can easily give hugs and touch, but when your tank is empty, it can be hard.
I explained to the parents about love tanks and why changing Maggie’s ability to hug her daughter depended on her ability to fill her own tank. There was a buzz around the room. People moved in their chairs, then raised their hands and wanted to speak.
Most people responded to Maggie’s question and talked about their experiences and challenges, this time as human beings, not parents. Some people had wonderful ideas for her to fill her love tank. It seemed like they were helping Maggie, but the faces around the table showed they were helping everyone.
Every coach, in every coaching session, is in constant search for the one thing that would help change the client’s life. I learned this technique from my professor in the “Creative Thinking” project I took part in 22 years ago. If the students discover the learning (they have an “aha moment”), it means heaps more than when the teacher is teaches it to them. Similarly, when participants help each other find the answer, it is better than when the facilitator says it…
I thanked Maggie very much for allowing this thing to happen.
At the end of the evening, a big group of parents stood at the door and hugged each other. That day, they all went home with their love tanks full to the brim.
Although you need physical hugs, I am sending you the closest thing I can on the computer. Please pass my hugs on to anyone who may need to fill their love tank.
Ronit
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10 Comments to “How to Fill Your Love Tank”
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Wow. Iuno what I would do if I was never hugged. I try to hug my son, but he doesn’t like anyone touching him for some reason. But everyone needs a hug every now and then.
Jenny,
you are so right. we need a hug. in our house if someone is upset or angry or rude we all say he needs a hug.
one of the mothers in the workshop said her son doesnt’ like it and she said she found out that he liked her to massage his legs - it is not hugs, but it is a good form of touch and it is better than nothing. if you read the about the research on the origianl article, - hugs- the anti depresent, any form of touch will do! if you put your hands on his shoulders, or touch his hair, anything will make it better.
Try, tell us if it works.
hugs from me
Ronit
When I was a kid, I remember feeling absolutely repulsed by even the idea that my mum would hug me.
I feel guilty about this sometimes. She hugged us frequently, but still at age 32 can’t stop feeling “grossed out” by my mother’s hugs.
It never bothered me when my dad hugged me though, but then, he didn’t hug me often.
Nat,
Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
There is no point in feeling guilty, it belongs to the past.
I hope you do have people you love hugging with now.
I had family member that used to pinch us, it was so painful, I hated him, I was afraid of him. years later, when he stoped doing it, I still had this fear feeling around him.
My parents didn’t hug much but I was a “street girl” so we played on the street, lots of fights and touch, I don’t think I missed a lot. though with my own kids, I had to make a decision to hug even if it was strange. My daughter made it easy for me, she is 19 now, she still hugs, never say anything around her friends. She has some friends that we hug them when they come over. ( we think they like coming over)
I guess I was lucky because, Gal, my husband, comes from a hugging family. he helped me a lot.
I’m happy that my kids are going to say: “I came from a hugging family”
hugs from me
Ronit
I agree that it is hard to hug if your family is not hugging.
I have many friends and I hug them all the time.
It helps.
Hi Nurit,
Great idea.
hugging friends can really help.
It is great your friends are huggers too.
Maybe the best tip we can give poeple is to hang around hugging people.
Thank you for visiting my site, come again.
Ronit
I think maybe women likes to hug a lot. I don’t feel the need to hug that much.
I do hug my wife and my kids but not other people. My wife hugs everyone. I don’t need hugs that much.
Hi Geoff,
I am not sure I agree with you. I don’t think gender has to do with this, though I agree with you that in our society, man are so disencouraged to hug that they think they don’t need it.
I had a husband like you. well, I still have him, but he is not like you anymore.
Gal said the same thing about me. I meet people, I hug them, man and women. I always did. well, not always, I think it started when I was 16 and Gal was my boyfriend, I learned to accept touch in a positive way.
anyway…
for years, he looked at me and said “how can you hug people you don’t love?”
you see, Gal had a rule, you only hug the poeple you love and he only loved ( his words were, really love) me and the kids and he did hug us a lot.
When Gal became a coach and understood the need for touch he have made a choice to change this rule and started hugging good friends. He said it was strange but worked. It took him 3 month and he became a happy hugger.
from early age, we teach girls that caring and hugging is good for them ( go to Toys R Us and see how many caring for a baby toys girls have and how many caring for a baby are there for boys) boys are in the worst position, if they express caring in a pysical way, they are considerd Gays -fearing people think they are gay, boys stay away from other boys and do not welcome touch.
I think physicaly we all need touch/ hugs. I can understand why you think you need them less, it is already a cultural thing.
you need 12 hugs a day, if you get them from your wife and the kids, you’ll be fine.
If you want to see Gal hugging people on the street ( the untihugger man himself) watch the videos of Be Happy in LIFE hugging on the streets.
http://www.youtube.com/behappyinlife
and come again.
Sending you a hug
Ronit Baras
http://www.ronitbaras.com
Thank you for talking about hugs again! I wish somehow we could spread a hug disease and everybody everywhere would just catch it and start hugging others indiscriminately! I never realised the importance of touch for a very long time. I was never hugged or even touched very much as a child by my parents and at the time I didn’t understand the consequences this can have on relationships in general. There was one person in my life though, that I did receive hugs from when I was younger. After he passed away, I was asked to speak about him at an event and I was asked to talk about what I remembered most. Surprisingly for me the thing I remembered most was that everytime I saw him he opened his arms wide to give me an all encompassing, heart felt hug and I remember feeling love from him - more than I can remember it from anyone else. Since then my husband has taught me that its a wonderful form of expression to hug each other and I think I’m a much better hugger now!
Tina,
Thank you for sharing your experience.
It sounds from what people write ( and also form my experience and clients experience) that our parents generation did not hug much.
I think they were not hugged at all.
When I think about my grandparents I don’t think they even hugged us, so, I can’t blame my parents for not hugging much.
It was wonderful to read that you focus on the people that did hug and took strength from it. It is a good lesson for everyone. focus on the good things, more of it will come.
In a month, I’m off to Melbourne to run the “Huges without Borders” on the streets of Melbourne. I hope to find many good huggers like you.
Happy day
Ronit
http://www.ronitbaras.com