Happy parents raise happy kids

Wonderful Things to Say to My Daughters

Amanda was a frustrated mother. She came to coaching for help with her two daughters. "I can't handle them", she said, "They don't listen to me at all. They never do what I tell them to do".

Amanda's daughters were normal, joyful 5- and 3-year-old girls but everything they did upset her. When they ran around giggling, she thought they were too loud. When they watched TV, she was unhappy about them doing nothing. When each of them did her own thing, she thought they did not play nicely with each other. When they wanted each other's toys, she thought they hated each other and never stopped fighting.

Everyone told her great things about her daughters. At first, she thought it was because people did not see what she saw in her daughters or maybe they acted differently around other people, but as she progressed with her coaching program, she realized she had wonderful daughters and she needed help herself.

Sisters laughingDuring a visit to Amanda's house, I noticed that her communication with the girls was full of pink elephants. For a whole hour, she kept telling the girls what not to do - "Don't leave the door open", "Don't run around". Running around is a problem for many parents, but it is important to remember that running around is a healthy, happy, joyful thing that kids do. They benefit from running around and parents should ask themselves "Why not let them?" Even when the girls were sitting quietly and teasing each other in a jolly way, Amanda said, "Don't talk to your sister like that".

For the whole time I was with Amanda and her daughters, she said nothing positive to her daughters and she felt frustrated that her tone of voice was angry. She loved them very much, but had many unrealistic expectations of them.

I believe that kids fulfill the things you think about them. I carry a card in my wallet for 23 years as a reminder for me to watch my language around my kids and other kids I work with. As I have said before, kids are like monkeys. They are mirrors of our own fears and problems. If you tell them what not to do, they cannot learn at all what they should do.

Children Learn What They Live
- Dorothy Law Neite

If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child learns to feel shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.

When I talked to Amanda about the reason she did not say positive things to her daughters, she said her mother was exactly like that - strict and always saying what not to do. Amanda found it hard to say good things because she had never heard them herself.

Saying good things to your kids comes from the tank of good things you have heard yourself. When your tank is empty, it is harder to say good things to your kids. However, it is possible!

Saying positive things is a habit, just like the opposite is. If your parents had that habit of being critical rather than encouraging, it is probably because their parents used this communication and their parents used this method of communicating… It is a cycle that we must stop.

If you examine it, you will find that the reason people talk like this to their kids is because many years ago, maybe hundreds of years ago, their grand, grand, grand, grandparents talked like this, probably because of different circumstances, thoughts and fears that no longer exist.

Amanda's daughter behaved in such a way, because the amount of positive things Amanda expressed towards her daughters was little and we have both decided to change the ratio.

Two happy girls playingAmanda and I sat together and wrote 100 things she could say to her daughters in a positive way. The first step to saying good things to your kids is to start with yourself. Take a sheet of paper and write 100 good things about yourself. Yes, I know it is not easy, especially if you have not heard it from your parents, but remember, you need these thoughts in your tank if you want to easily say them to your kids.

If you cannot think of enough things, ask yourself "What would I have liked my parents to tell me?" This should give you a clear idea about what kids would like their parents to say.

When your list is done, print it and hang it somewhere visible, if you want to measure how wonderful your kids behave, count how many of the compliments here you have used every day. I promise you, the more you use every day, the happier you will feel about your parenting.

Here is Amanda's list. I am sharing it with you in hope that you take some ideas from it to make your list. Remember, this list can be useful for boys as for girls and for every age.

"100 things to say to my daughters" by Amanda

  1. I am happy you are my daughter
  2. You are so beautiful
  3. I am so happy to see you drawing
  4. You are so smart
  5. That's a good job
  6. You are concentrating very well
  7. Well done!
  8. You are very responsible
  9. You are growing so well
  10. It's great you know what you want
  11. You are very independent
  12. You are cute
  13. You are singing so beautifully
  14. It is good you are positive
  15. Your teacher loves you
  16. It is great that you are persistent
  17. You are such a great helper
  18. You are so good at …
  19. You are playing so nice together
  20. Your skin is so soft
  21. You have a magic touch
  22. Let's hug. You are my teddy bear
  23. Good job!
  24. You are very mature
  25. Excellent!
  26. It is OK to be upset sometimes
  27. You are my baby
  28. Girl jumping over friendYou are friendly
  29. You are wonderful
  30. Everyone loves you
  31. You are playing so nicely with friends
  32. You are getting along so well with your sister
  33. I am proud of you for playing quietly while I am asleep
  34. It is great to hear you talking to each other at night, like two fairies
  35. It excites me to see you doing things together
  36. Look at you! You got dressed all by yourself
  37. Thank you for helping me
  38. Your hair is beautiful
  39. I am glad you are trying even when it is hard
  40. Your tummy is soft
  41. You are sweet
  42. You can do it
  43. You make us a happy family
  44. You are very strong
  45. It is hard, but I am happy you are not giving up
  46. You are such a good girl
  47. You are excellent
  48. I have fun with you
  49. Thank you!
  50. You and I grow together. It's wonderful
  51. You are fun
  52. You are wonderful
  53. I am proud that …
  54. I appreciate it when …
  55. You are the most … girl
  56. You make me so happy
  57. You are the best thing that ever happened to me
  58. You are a good friend
  59. To be a wonderful mom, I need wonderful kids and you are a wonderful kid
  60. You can do anything you want in life, I will help you do it
  61. You have a wonderful smile
  62. You have a big heart
  63. You are so gentle with your sister
  64. You are so considerate
  65. I am so proud, I am like a peacock thanks to you
  66. You are good
  67. I trust you …
  68. You are healthy and your body is strong and can heal anything
  69. You are special
  70. Two girls on a swingI am the proudest mom in the world
  71. If I'm sad, I only need to think about you and my sadness disappears
  72. You are brave
  73. You are important to me
  74. You are my treasure
  75. You make me feel like a special mom
  76. I can help if you need me
  77. You are so joyous
  78. You are so happy
  79. You have made my day
  80. You make me laugh
  81. I am happy you are taking good care of yourself
  82. It is great that you try different kinds of food
  83. You are my sunshine
  84. You are the love of my life
  85. You can trust yourself
  86. I will always help you
  87. I will always be here for you
  88. You are such a great traveler
  89. Just tell me when you need my help
  90. I am so happy you are adventurous
  91. You are very understanding
  92. Everyone thinks highly of you
  93. You rock!
  94. You dance so beautifully
  95. I admire you for …
  96. Every mom would love to have a kid like you
  97. A girl like you is every mom's dream
  98. Being your mom makes me so happy
  99. You make parenting so wonderful
  100. I love you!

I hope this list can help you find out the wonderful things you can/should say to your sons and daughters. They need to hear them, but more importantly, you need to hear yourself saying them.

If you have more ideas for me to add to this list and share with the many readers, please write them in the comment box below.

Happy list writing!

Love,
Ronit

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  • Jolie Sullivan-Sherwin

    You are such a Lady. You have such good manners. Thank you for being a good example to the others. I hope these help. Yours helped me. Thank you.

  • Bill

    I shared your link on my Facebook page.

  • http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras

    Thanks Bill! Ronit 

  • http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras

    Jolie,

    Thank you! 

    Ronit 

  • Kristinacarrasquillo

    Thank you for writing this for us clueless parents still learning as we go. I have this link to your site on my new blog. still under construction but able to be viewed...

    -Kristina Carrasquillo

  • http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras

    Kristina, 

    Thanks. 
    come again. 
    Ronit 

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  • http://www.facebook.com/ruseller.felisario Ruseller Felisario

    its oke sometimes were upset etc...etc...we love u and miss u our dear daughter...our dear and wonderful daughter for your very understanding and generosity..we have nothing else to ask for more your our gift fr god to us.....god give us you..for so many reason .......

  • http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras

    Kristina,

    Thanks.
    I think the amazing thing about parenting is that we all still learning.
    It is forever.

  • http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras

    Great ideas to say to your daughter
    I think most of them, we can say to our sons as well. .

Ronit Baras

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