Family Matters

"Happy Parents Raise Happy Kids"

Divorcing Your Parents (Poll)

Good relationship with grandparents I get many questions about parent-child relationships and thought it would be a good idea to have a poll about your relationship with your parents.

I have been talking (OK, writing) a lot about parenting and relationships and I believe that the way our parents bring us up has an enormous effect on our attitude towards our own children (for good and for bad).

You think of the word "divorce" as describing the situation when a couple is going through a relationship breakdown. However, parents and kids (even grown-up kids) go through what I like to call an "emotional divorce".

The separation starts naturally when the kids leave home and start to see their parents less and less often. This is a natural progression. However, unfortunately for most, it starts much earlier - the "emotional divorce" can take place when teens are still living at home but the relationship with their parents goes bad. The consequence of this is that, once the kids reach a point when they have their own kids, they are still in the process of making the hard decision as to whether they should now totally divorce their parents or not. This is not the best time for this to be taking place.

Good relationship with parents I believe it is the emotional relationships parents and kids establish with each other while they share the same house that determines the connection and communication between them later on in life.

Whether you are 12, 22, 32 or 62 years old, you can answer the questions below.

If your parents are not alive, answer the questions about the relationship you had while they were alive.

Are you in a good relationship with your parents?

Good relationship with parents I am looking forward to seeing the results of this poll. Feel free to expand on your response further by posting a comment below.

I hope that by coming here regularly you can read tips, ideas and up-to-date research about the parent-child relationship to help you be a happy parent, as well as a happy child.

Happy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

May 27th, 2008 | Author: Ronit Baras

Posted in Parenting, Poll, Relationships / Marriage | Tags: Emotional Intelligence, Kids / Children, love, parenting, parents, personal development / personal growth / personality development / self improvement, Poll, Relationships / Marriage

Pingback: ronitbaras
http://tinariveros.weebly.com tina
Hi Ronit
Reading this I realise that I am still not happy with the relationship I have with my parents. I dread seeing them sometimes or even talking to them. I know the problem is me not them. Somebody said to me the other day that I am like a puppet to my parents - they pull the strings and I move - I dont like that idea at all but she may be right. Guess I'm going to have to do more work huh?
http://www.behappyinlife.com/ Ronit Baras
HI Tina,
It is amazing that we carry our parents on our back for so many years.
I do not think you are a puppet to your parents. I think you care for them and they can not pull anystrings without you to take part in this puppet show
Our parents is a lifetime work, this is why I say, if you won't sort it out now, you'll have to do it later...
love
Ronit
http://www.behappyinlife.com
Bridgett
I feel sad that my relationship is not good with my parents. My mother tells me that it is my fault that we do not have a relationship because I do not try enough. She told me that it is my responsibility's to come to them and she does not have to call me or come visit. I live in another state 5 hours away. My mother has called me two times in 8 years. When I call they do not answer. I do not know if I should let go or keep trying? My heart keeps getting hurt. When I do visit she hides in her room or says she was on her way out the door. I am 1 of 6 children. She chooses who she wants to be a part of... What is the right thing to do - do let go? I feel that some of the pain will go away.
http://www.behappyinlife.com/ Ronit Baras
Hi Bridgett,
It was sad to read about your relationship with your parents, though it seems like the main heartache is regarding your mom.
When we say it is someone's fault for something, we give him the power to control our feelings. Mom is throwing her feeling of helplessness on you. It is never one person's fault, well, actually, it is no one fault – we all do the best we can so there is no one to blame. I think instead of fault, it is better to talk about responsibility.
You are both responsible for your relationship – in a good way.
I am not sure I explained the relationship model in this site but it generally says that in your mom's eyes, you are still a kid and she is the mother and is very hard for her to accept that you have your own life, feelings, fears, victories and she is not at the centre of the attention for you. I have to say that as a mom to a teen girl, I sometimes wonder about the feelings of not being the centre of her attention and it is not fun. I know so many parents that give up the relationship with their kids because when the kids leave home (or god forbids! they are going with someone the family did not approve) they are traitors.
You are right, it is not your responsibility to come to them/ call or visit. Relationship is a dance, you need two to tango, if one is dancing and the other is not, we can't call it a dance, can we?
I admire you for trying, still trying, after so many failure and unsuccessful attempts to get closer to your parents. I personally know people that this thing makes them feel like orphans.
I think inside of you, you'll keep trying, I know I do, I have relationships that I keep trying to bring to life, some I succeed, some I don't but I keep trying. (This year I have renewed a relationship I had with a family member that was the closest one to me for about 14 years. Our families had a conflict and we got ourselves into that conflict and were apart for over 28 years. When I contacted her, I was afraid she would reject me, but she didn't and I am so happy for trying)
Some parents behave in a strange way when their kids do not follow the "family rules". Be brave to ask " What would you like me to do to be happy to see me?" "What would you like me to say for you to want my company?" Ask it, take it with you and when you are by yourself ask yourself "Do I want to live by those rules or not?" remember, it is your choice, but at least you know what you are facing.
It'll be perfect if you tell them what they need to do/say for you to be happy.
Sometimes we need to learn to let go and accept that this is your parent's journey and they behave in the only way they know how. No one can tell you when is that moment of letting go, please , remember, it is not giving up, it is letting go – in letting go there is a lot of acceptance, in giving up there is sadness.
After you ask them, you can let go, if you stop trying without knowing what they want, this is giving up.
God, I wish there was such a thing, the right thing. It does not exist.
Face the rears of confronting with them about it.
If you can't tell them, write it to them.
And remember what Richard Bach said, real family is not the people you grew with under the same roof, it is the people around you that love you and respect you.
Choose another family if you need.
Wishes of courage and strength
And thank you for sharing your story with everyone.
May the force be with you
Ronit Baras
http://www.behappyinlife.com
reina
I feel sort of guilty for not having a good relationship with my parents. Well, I don't know where my dad is currently but I live with my mom, so i should have a close relationship right? For me, it's not like that. I'm not close to any of my parents. My mom keeps on marrying guys and ends up divorcing in the end and keeps on insulting me for no reason. I'm tired of it. I lived with my grandma before for 12 years but then all of a sudden my mom wants to act like a parent to me and have me live with her. At first, I thought she actually wanted to finally be a parent but I found out the only reason I was living there was to take care of my brother and sisters. Also, she makes me pay for my food and other things that I need. I told her so many times to let me move back with my grandma and all she ever says is "over my dead body". Now, my grandma wants me to divorce from my mom and to move somewhere else. I don't mind since all the things my mom put me through.
I'm very sorry for typing so much but I don't know who else to talk to that will actually listen
DeniseCarter
Dear Ms. Baras
I was in search of information that would aid me in assisting my nephew in divorcing his mother and her husband. He is being abused and neglected and my family and I need to know if there are any laws that would allow him to legally divorce his mother. I remember hearing of a case a few years ago in California where a young girl divorced her mother and was granted the right to live with her biological aunt. If you are familiar with this case and/or any laws resulting from it, please forward this information to me. My family and I are trying to save my nephew's life.
Thank you for your cooperation. It is greatly appreciated.
I read your comments on child /parent relationships and would like to correspond with you at a later date.
Sincerely,
Ms. D. Carter
Denise
Dear Ms. Baras
I was in search of information that would aid me in assisting my nephew in divorcing his mother and her husband. He is being abused and neglected and my family and I need to know if there are any laws that would allow him to legally divorce his mother. I remember hearing of a case a few years ago in California where a young girl divorced her mother and was granted the right to live with her biological aunt. If you are familiar with this case and/or any laws resulting from it, please forward this information to me. My family and I are trying to save my nephew's life.
Thank you for your cooperation. It is greatly appreciated.
I read your comments on child /parent relationships and would like to correspond with you at a later date.
Sincerely,
Denise
http://www.behappyinlife.com Ronit Baras
Dear Reina,
How old are you?
It is so sad to hear that your mom is behaving like this. All kids (and adults) deserve a happy life and while they are at their parents' house as kids, they should not pay for their food.
But, reality and what should be are not the same…
So let's see what we can do.
If you are over 18, you can actually do what you think is right for you, go back to your grandmother, it seems she is a better role model for you and she wants you back.
If you are under 18, get help!
Don't let life pass feeling like this.
If you are attending school, go and talk to the school councillor, this is why they are there. They are there for you, use them!
If you have another family member that can help you, ask for help.
Consider the options: What is going to happen if you are going to live with grandma? Is your grandma your mom's mom? Why were you living with grandma for 12 years?
How old are your siblings?
In every city around the world, there are social workers whose job is to help. The main problem is you need to contact them and ask for their help. You can use your doctor for help, your church. There are many people around who can help you if you only ask for their help.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and worries with all of us.
Stay positive and Hang in there – life is beautiful; sometimes the toughest things in life are what bring us most power and strength. You are much stronger than you think you are!
Help is everywhere, just ask.
Ronit
Ronit
http://www.behappyinlife.com
http://www.behappyinlife.com Ronit Baras
Dear Denise,
I have heard about this case but I am not familiar with the details of it.
I guess the question is always the benefit of the child and parents have rights that others do not have.
How old is your nephew?
Is he abused in any way? Neglect is subject to so many interpretations, I think supporting the child in his environment is the best thing you can do at this stage.
Finding a lawyer with expertise in family law in your country or state would be the best approach. I am sure every country has different laws and justice system. I know a social worker that her job is to asses the child's benefit and make the decision whether to take the child from his parents or not, which is a version of divorcing the child. ( I think I'll start writing about it more, I feel so overwhelmed every time I read her report but understand that it is sometimes the right thing to do – I am a mom and the thought of someone taking my kids away is scary…I should write about it more)
School councillors are a good place to get such help and until you can really help, it is better to give your nephew strength to handle the situation instead of telling him how horrible his mom and husband are.
Teach the kid (I assume he is a kid under 18) to find joy in life, do things he love doing and encourage him to find solutions rather than feel bad about it. Teach him to find help through school, family doctor, his own dad (where is he?)
It is wonderful you are helping and supporting him with his struggle. Tell me you are always there for him, this is what kids would like to know!
All the best
Ronit
http://www.behappyinlife.com
reina
thank you for the advice.
i'm only 13 but i'm turning 14 on the 30th. My siblings are 11,6 and 5. i don't really have any family members except my grandma who lives far away from me. i would ask my doctor or church but i don't have a doctor(that i know of) and i stopped going to church after moving out from my grandma. i don't really like going to the councillor because they will call home and i wouldn't want to know what would happen to me.
Melissa
I am a mental health professional who can't help her own mother deal with her mental illness. My maternal grandmother passed away two years ago and I think that is about the time my mother's mental health really started to decline. She has always been depressed and anxious and has never sought treatment for these illnesses. In fact, she hasn't seen a doctor of any kind in over 10 years.
Around the begining of this year my father began calling me and my siblings asking for help dealing with my mothers paraoind behavior. She doesn't leave the house without him and thinks that others are after her. Because I have worked in the mental health field for 13 years I immediately offered to help my father get my mother mental health treatment. My father sought to have her committed to a psychiatric hospital but wasn't able to do so because she wasn't an immediate threat to herself or others. I began to find information for families of the mentally ill online and sending it to my father. I also started the process of finding mental health professionals in my parents area (they live 6 or 7 states away from me) and making plans to fly to their town and help my father get my mother help.
When I was ready to finalize the plans my father refused to allow me to come to them if I was going to talk to my mother about seeing a doctor. He had not told her that he was talking to me and my siblings about the problem and decided that he just wanted me to come and visit. I was unable to do that. My father threw away all the information I sent to them and even began to put me down along with the field I work in saying that he knows what is best for my mother.
I then set a limit with them that I am sure will effect the rest of my life. I told my father that I couldn't have a relationship with either of my parents until my mother agrees to get help. I also wrote a letter to my mother explaining that I love her very much and have always wanted her to be happy. I offered to do everything I can to help her get help but I can't sit by and watch her be a prisoner in her home when I know help is out there.
I'm very concerned that she will hurt someone or that my father will become frustrated with her and hurt her but don't have any evidence that either of them are really in danger.
I don't know if I will ever not feel guilty about my decision. I continue to send my parents birthday cards and holiday cards saying that I miss them and want to help my mom get help. I haven't heard anything and don't think I will.
What is my obligation to my parents? Is it selfish of me to put own needs for happiness above my mother's need for support and mental health treatment? Most of all, am I a bad daughter?
Nic
My parents are dovircing and I am living with my mom for now
http://www.behappyinlife.com/ Ronit Baras
Hi Reina,
God, you are young.
You are a brave girl Reina. I learned over the years to trust kids' judgment and when they say they do not feel they can contact the councillor because they call home, they usually right. Trust yourself, if you feel the councillor is not a good option; don't talk to him/her.
How about you work on yourself and your confidence and your assertiveness skills (assertiveness is when you say how you feel, what you think, what you want in a confident voice without hurting others but without hurting yourself too).
I am willing to coach you and build your confidence until you feel you are strong enough to make things work well for your advantage.
Tell me:
Can you call your grandmother easily?
Do you have an easy access to the internet?
Do you have friends in school?
Tell me 5 good things you think about yourself?
Which one of your siblings is the one you like most?
Write me back and I promise to answer and we'll keep on working on this.
You'll be fine. Just remember, the tough things in our lives are the ones that build our character and make us who we are. The most successful people in the world had tough periods in their lives and they learned from them, rather than break from them.
You are stronger than you think! You'll be fine.
Waiting for your reply
Sending you a virtual hug
Ronit Baras
http://www.behappyinlife.com
http://www.behappyinlife.com/ Ronit Baras
Nic,
How old are you?
Do you have brothers and sisters?
It is not easy to be a kid around mom and dad going through divorce but I want tyou to know that sometimes it is good for everyone.
Tell me how old are you?
Ronit
http://www.behappyinlife.com
Reina
I can't contact her easily because she's really sick in the hospital and the doctor said she has a chance of dying. Yes i have access to internet and i also have friends but i'm not close to them because i just moved there. Honestly, i don't really have 5 things but it would be that if i'm sad i can just drink orange juice(i LOVE orange juice way too much), i can cheer others by making them laugh, if i'm not good at something i will make my best effort to get better, i can't express myself through words but through poetry, and the fact that i'm willing to overcome my fears to become stronger. i guess....i think my sister who is 11 that i like most because its easy to talk to her even though i rarely see her.
http://www.behappyinlife.com/ Ronit Baras
Hi Melissa,
Sorry it took me so long to reply but I was thinking about what you wrote.
It is hard to be a mental health professional and not being able to help those you love most. I am sure every person in his profession, feels the same.
I can relate to what you are talking about because my mom's health declined when my nephew died. I have a feeling that what is going to make it worst is the fact that everyone uses this to explain the bad health condition, almost to accept the fact that this is life, someone you love dies and you die too.
I think the problem you have (and I have the same challenge) is that you find it hard to accept that your mom is choosing to be in that situation. It is her choice whether to see a doctor or not, it is her choice whether to feel better and be happy. I remind myself that "happiness is a choice!" and your mom has the right to choose not to be happy.
As you know, mental health has no logic.
I think, Melissa, you are a bit cruel to yourself. You are a wonderful daughter and you did what you thought will help your mom and dad. People have so many fears that are stronger and can indeed prevent you from being the daughter you wanted to be. Remember, your parents' definition of daughter is not the same as yours and there is not "right" or "better" definition.
The limit was not the limit with them, it was the limit with yourself. You did offer to do everything but in fact, you were not willing to do everything. Dad wanted you to visit them and you had conditions.
There is a sentence I keep saying to all my clients "The relationship between us is not about what I give you but about what you choose to take". We cannot help people, it is not what we really do, we cannot do anything to them, and they have to ask for help, they need to want it.
Guilt is self-punishment for not being able to properly predict the future. When you told your parents about your condition, you expected it to be a statement of love and hoped they will allow you to help them. You couldn't have known it will end up like this. Forgive yourself- you did what you thought was right. Now you know it did not work, do something differently. Call them, pick up the phone and call them. Your mom might not want your help, but she wants your love – Can you love someone without helping him?
Obligation is a big word. The only obligation we have is to be good and kind – to ourselves. Be kind to yourself, when you are upset, feeling guilty, disappointed and worried you are carrying poison in your body, renting a valuable space in your mind to drug dealers for free.
I believe we are all selfish. We always do what we think is good for us. Even when we say we do things for others, we are actually doing it for us. When we care, we get something out of it. When we help, we get something out of it, even a feeling is the reward we receive for helping others. I tell all my clients that as much as my work is "giving" I receive more. Yes, Melissa, you are selfish and I believe it is normal and healthy.
I guess it is hard to know things and realize that people you care about do not want to hear about them. I remember feeling the same when about 18 years ago, we changed our eating habits. We increased out quality of life so much, avoided surgery, felt so good that we did not understand why people did not want to do the same. We were upset when they were sick or needed medication.
The greatest feeling I have now is the understanding that it is not up to me to change people, it is not my journey, is it theirs. I am not sure I have the right to change it for them anymore. I keep the right with my kids and have a 100% confidence that it is my right as a mother but not with others. When I have such thoughts, I remind myself that I need to respect people going in a different path.
Recently, I spent 5 weeks with my mom and every day, about 4-5 times, I told myself " Ronit, She has the right to choose her own path, even if I hate it".
Melissa, again, you are a great daughter who wants to help her mom. There is no such a thing as bad daughter. Call them!
Bless you
Ronit Baras
Relationship Coaching
http://www.behappyinlife.com/ Ronit Baras
Reina,
I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother's condition. Is it possible that your mom took you because your grandmother was sick and not feeling very well to take care of you?
It is very sad when someone we love is in hospital and is very sick. How often do you talk to your grandmother? Can you call her over the phone? Does she have internet?
Do you talk to your friends?
There is a free program called Skype, Google it and you'll find it is free and safe. If you download it and your friends download it (for free), you can talk to each other with the computer for hours and pay nothing. It will really help you. It helps me when I miss my sisters and my parents because they live on the other side of the world. If you have a camera, you can also see them. It is really cool.
Reina, I am sure you have 5 things you are good at.
What is the subject you love most in school?
Which holiday you love most?
What was the best day of your life?
Who was your best friend?
What are your hobbies?
Write 5 things that will make you happy.
It is wonderful that you can drink orange juice when you are sad. I wish grown ups could learn from you. Do you know what people do when they are sad? They eat sweets, they drink alcohol, they smoke and all those things are not healthy and you are actually doing something healthy, it is wonderful. You are so young but can be a great inspiration to people.
So are you funny? Do you like making jokes? If you can make others laugh, can you make yourself laugh?
Writing poetry is wonderful. Send me some of it. You can use this place to show everyone your poems. I wrote poems when I was young. Well, I still do.
I think it is wonderful you are such a strong girl and willing to overcome your fears and become even stronger. This is a great quality.
What do you mean you rarely see your sister? Aren't you living in the same house?
How is school? Is it easy? Hard? Do you have nice teachers?
I wanted to send you a virtual hug last time and it didn't work.
I will try again.
Hugs
Ronit Baras
Click on this and imagine that I am hugging you. This is me, hugging people on the streets.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oV_gY156LOQ
Reina
No because my grandma wasn't sick back then. I talk to her every 2 weeks because of school and she's usually not able to pick up. I talk to my friends but I don't get into personal subjects. My favorite subject is actually spanish. I think new years is my favorite holiday because its a new year and another chance to accomplish another goal. Hmmmmm.....I really don't have a best day in my life but it would probably be when I learned how to make cookies. I don't really have a best friend anymore because she died 2 years ago....My hobbies are to sing, play volleyball even though i'm bad at it, reading mystery books and drawing for fun. Hmmm....I guess it would be music, the sound of a piano playing, orange juice xD but it really does make me happy, knowing I got a perfect score on something, and making somebody laugh. No, its actually hard for me to make myself laugh unless its something I do and I mess up by accident then I just laugh at myself then fix it. oh no, I'm quite horrible at writing, seriously! Its rare to see my sister who is 11 because she went to court before and he father got custody of her so I get to see her only during christmas and summer break. School is sort of easy but science is what I'm weakest at cause I always forget about my homework but I decided to use my weekends to study it and understand it more better. They're all nice I guess but I'm more distant like the quiet person because I don't understand what they say most of the time. Thank you for everything though, I appreciate it a lot. Awww, I wish more people would give out free hugs these days, society has changed a lot from before...
http://www.behappyinlife.com Ronit Baras
Reina,
Do you think grandma got sick because you left?
I can understand why you do not trust your friends with personal subjects but you can talk about things that are not a risk like, missing your grandma, like dreams you have, like things you want to do and so on, it'll give you a better feeling.
Spanish is wonderful. My daughter learned Spanish in grade 1 and then again in grade 4 and loved it so much that her dream was that we'll move to Spain or South America just to learn to speak the language. We brought a teacher home to teach us Spanish and the kids were so happy. (I think it is still her dream).
Do you get a chance to speak Spanish outside of school? Are you good with languages?
Soon New Year is coming. What is your goal for this year?
Who taught you how to make cookies and how old were you?
Singing, sport, music, drawing, you seems like a girl that is Kinesthetic – that means you are a very sensitive girl that needs to move in order to think. You are friendly and very emotional – many times people think that such kids are hyperactive or depressed where in fact there is nothing wrong with such kids, they are perfectly fine. Can you do a lot of volleyball and drawing and sport and sing during the week?
Do you have a piano at home?
What will make you happy?
This is so sad to hear that your friend died. How old was she? How did she die? How did you feel when it happened? I lost people that are close to me and it change my life forever.
How can you say you are horrible in writing? You write so well for a girl in your age and express yourself so well. It is not something typical.
So I need to understand. Where is your dad? How many siblings do you have? Is your mom married/ involved the third time?
Doing homework really helps. Do you have your own room to do your homework? Can you stay a bit in the school library and do your homework?
What do you mean they do not understand what your teachers are saying?
I am sending you all the hugs I have on youtube. I have two more but I didn't finish doing the video clip because I do not have the time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J25jTpshJ8I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oV_gY156LOQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsBqlKIuC7Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDKOpEEU-Mw
World really changed, people do not hug anymore.
You will be fine, just hang in there and trust yourself. You are smart and sensitive. At start, it is not easy but as a grownup, it is actually a good skill.
Keep writing
All the best
Ronit
Reina
I'm not really sure but I would feel a lot of guilt if she did though. I'm sure if your daughter wants that dream badly and does her best, it will happen. No, not really unless I practice it by myself. I'm good at languages if I'm willing to learn it enough. My goal is just to get good grades and volunteer at a hospital or learn another language. My grandma taught me when I was 9 years old. If I don't have any homework to catch up on then I usually use my spare time to go outside and play or i just sit on the grass drawing while singing. Yes I do have one but I only play it during weekends. A lot of things will make me happy but only for a limited time. She was 12 years old and she died from suicide. It was like my whole world was just going to fall that moment because I thought I wasn't strong enough to handle life on my own. To me, it's that feeling when you lost your only sanctuary and you are left alone around a careless environment. Basically, that day, my greatest fear of being alone in the world came true. It's sad to hear that also but I'm glad that you overcame it. Usually when i show my friends my writings they would say they can't read it but when I write, I just write the first thing that comes into my mind so I don't forget. My dad is somewhere far away from me, I only get to see him twice a year. I have three siblings. My mom is married but this is her third marriage. No, I usually do my work outside on the grass or porch and I don't have enough time to stay at school and do my work there. I don't understand what they are trying to teach. In my opinion, I think they are rushing to teach us the material we are suppose to know but most of us students don't get what we are suppose to do. Thank you Thank you! I agree with that and I hope you will also be fine. Thank you, I'm doing my best to hang on as best as I can. Thank you again...usually I hear the negative of me being smart.
Emily
I hate my father. I'm sick of putting up with him. He's a perverted old drunk who sexually abused me as a child and abused me mentally and emotionally as a pervert while I've been an adult. I want to divorce him. I want my mother (whom I love) to accept what a old pervert she married.
http://www.behappyinlife.com Ronit Baras
Dear Emily,
How old are you?
Is he your real dad?
Do you still live with your mom and dad?
Is it possible for you to move on and live away from them and start a new life with better thoughts? After all, hating someone is something you need to carry with you.
Did you ever get help regarding this?
Everyone can divorce his parents at the age of 18. Divorce is a choice to stop living together and stop the relationship. If you do not get what you need in the relationship and the two sides are not working towards the same goal, separation is necessary.
What your father to your mom is not what he is for you, let them be.
If you want your mom to choose you over him, you are in a war that you might lose only because she is weak or she does not want to believe.
Ask yourself, what will you gain if she divorces him?
What will she gets if she divorces him?
If he did something bad to you, being angry at him allows him to keep hurting you.
When he hurt you, it is his fault.
If you are angry – it is your fault
(well, I am not sure "fault" is a good word, I guess responsibility is a better word.
Make a list of 100 things that will make you happy and make sure you do not write things that will require an action from someone else. (When you ask for things that others need to do, you are handing your power to others)
Write him a divorce letter and tell him, because you are not on my list, I am officially divorcing you!
Let him know how would you like the new arrangement to be and make sure you do not hurt yourself on the way.
Happy day
Ronit
RonitBaras.com
http://www.behappyinlife.com Ronit Baras
Hi Reina,
Good to hear from you again.
How is your grandma?
Did you do well in school last year, just like your goal?
Can you volunteer in a hospital near your house or school?
Losing someone is hard, very hard and many times we think we can't survive afterwards but we can. I lost two kids, they were babies and thought like that but only for a short time. Life is so much more beautiful and we have lots to lose. I have discovered that I am much stronger than I thought. It helped me build strength that I didn't know I had.
Did you see your dad this Christmas?
How was it?
Remember, you only need to hang on for a few more years and you will be able to have your own life and make them the way you want them to be.
Keep writing
Hugs
Ronit
RonitBaras.com
Chantelle
I dont really have a good relationship with my parents or my family that includes my siblings. In my family there are 5 kids and my 2 parents.There is 2 boys both of which are younger than me 1 younger sister and 1 older sister. My mum says that every choice i make is a wrong mistake i always get yelled at over petty things i hate my life, my siblings are no help to this either they just add on the stress. then i have all my school work. Making this worse im in yr 10 and i have all my exams and assignments. i do have a boyfriend and thanks to him he made me realize that if i did end up committing suicide i would be letting my family win and i dont want that. so thanks to him i dont want to commit suicide. we live in a house where 4 children have to share rooms and 1 child gets there own room. im always having pressure put on me, i get angry really easily i just hate living here i dont know what else to do. then you got my parents saying that they can control my life and that they are going to force me to do yr 11 and 12 when i want to get an apprenticeship at the end of yr 10. my mum reckons i have changed completely when that is a part of life my whole family just doesn't understand where im coming from i just wish i was not born. i dont know what to do.
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
Dear Chantelle,
As you can read from the poll, most people are not in a good relationship with their parents. you know what? you are not alone and it is not the end of the world. People live long and happy life after and raise happy kids only because they think that family does matters and that they will fix it with their own kids. You can do the same. When you have your own kids you know exactly what NOT to do!
I grew up in a family of 5 kids. It is not easy. I am sure it is not easy for parents too. I was a middle child - Sandwich - over years I learned that the sandwich kid is the one that holds many qualities, the two pieces of the bread were just there to hold it.
If I understood correct, you are the second daughter. is that right?
I am sure that your mom is just upset and do not know any better way to help you and motivate you. you do not make wrong choices - you only do the best you can! everyone does, even your mom.
No one says, well, here I have 5 choices, how about I choose the worst!
Try to think, do you think there is someone in your mom's life that tells her good things about her. I bet there is someone in her life that told her/ tells her that she makes mistakes all the time. she does to you what others do to her only because she does not know how to do it differently. forgive her!
school should be fun and enjoyable and exams are just a way for teachers to test themselves .If you fail it means your teacher failed to give you the motivation and knowledge to succeed. If you Succeed, it means your teacher did a good job. Exams are not for kids, they are for grown ups.
It is wonderful your boyfriend is a source of encouragement, he is smart. nothing, nothing, noting in the world is worth you hurting yourself. There is a whole life waiting for you to experience , friends, love, joy, fun, excitement, kids of your own, travel, new people, new places. It is not worth missing all this for something that seems taking over but in fact, in two years you can leave home and start a new life without them.
Remember, the first rule in life is "never,never,never hurt yourself"
Did you know that if you are angry, you do not follow rule # 1 of life? anger is self hurt. Like poison it spreads in the body and does lots of damage.
Tell me Chantelle,
If you had anything you want in life, what would you do? Maybe you should answer all those questions in here:
What if…
If I could learn anything I wanted, I would study…
If I could go back in time, I would…
If I had all the money I wanted, I would…
If I could relive one event in life, it would be…
If I could erase a moment in life, it would be…
If I could meet one person, it would be…
If I could wear anything I wanted, I would wear…
If I could ask my parents one thing, I would ask…
If I could say one thing to my parents, I would say…
If I could tell the world one thing, it would be…
If I could forget something, it would be…
If I could change the world, I would…
If I had to spend 1 million dollars in one week, I would spend it on…
If I could eat anything I wanted, I would eat…
If I could make someone else love me, it would be…
If I could buy someone I love a gift, it would be…
If I could look like any person I wanted, I would look like…
If I could invent something, it would be…
If I could have 3 wishes, they would be…
If I were an animal, I would be…
If I could visit any place in the world, I would visit…
If I could win the noble prize, it would be for…
If I could make a difference in the world, I would…
If I could be famous, I would be famous for…
If I needed one more chance, I would ask for…
If I could meet the most inspiring person in the world, I would ask to meet…
If I could be in any physical condition, I would…
If I could have a chef cooking all my meals, I would ask the chef to…
If I could choose one birthday party to repeat, it would be…
If I could meet one friend from the past, it would be…
If I could repeat one school year, it would be…
If I could go to my favorite teacher and thank them, it would be…
If there is one thing I am grateful for, it is…
If there is one thing I do not want to lose, it is…
If my house was on fire, the first thing I would save would be…
If I could choose my funeral, I would…
If I could wake up in the morning knowing how to play a musical instrument, it would be…
If I could write a book, it would be about…
If I could choose the best partner, he/she would be…
If I had my own plane, I would go to…
If I could buy any gadget, I would buy…
If I could be in any profession I wanted, I would be a…
If I could build any house I wanted, I would make it…
If I could win a big prize, it would be…
If I could win a big prize, I would spend it on…
If I could make someone proud of me, it would be…
If I were a king, I would…
If I were a genie, I would…
If time stood still, I would…
If I could choose one thing that would make me the happiest, it would be…
it is taken from:
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/emotional-intelligence/personal-development-c/self-esteem-mini-course-part-16/
I hope you don't mean it when you say " I wish I wasn't born" you mean "it is hard" - they are not the same!
I am sure that one day, you will learn to smile again and find joy and happiness.
answer the questions, if you want, send them back to me and we'll work from there.
Life is a game, with ups and down and you must play in it. so stick around and play, I am sure you'll get lots out of it.
hugs and blessings of encouragement
Ronit
Kids Coaching
What would you study
Reina
Nice to hear you again (:
I didn't get to see my dad but he did call me.
Honestly, it didn't feel like Christmas at all; it felt like another day even though we celebrated a little.
You're definitely one of the only people who gives me some sort of strength. Losing two kids is surely devastating and that proves you're strong.
I found a hospital nearby and they said I have to be eighteen and older which saddens me but I'm finding ways I could help like community service.
As from grandma, she just packed up and left. I don't know where she is but I'm trying my best to find her on my own. She seemed fine when I called her three weeks ago but now, she doesn't answer anymore. Nothing.
I did well in school but, I'm falling back again due to all the stress & the horrible school life I'm getting into.
Before I thought school was an oasis from my personal problems but now . . . there's nothing. I'm beginning to lose all of remaining hope. I don't know if my grandma wanted me to feel what she felt when I left but, all I know is that it hurts.
Hopefully, the few more years will come sooner and life will be much brighter and clearer.
Ah, I simply cannot thank you for listening to my problems & helping me out; it gives me more hope.
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
This is a comment I got from Shelly ( she posted it in a strange page on the blog so I am transferring it as is here)
hi,
my relationship wit my parents have went down hill rite after thier divorce! my dad got carried away wit findin another woman n my mom move away and blamed me for the divorce! i lived with my dad for 6 months after the divorce n he just ignored me n was too busy with findin a woman that i grew to be angree wit him! i was the only one living wit him n he left me alone all the time so i began to raise myself! he worked long hours durin the week n then went to see girls on the weekends! he is married now n moved away from my home, when he moved i moved in with my mom cuz i couldnt handle our relationship anymore, it was more like a roomate then a father. on top of tht me and my mom have never had a good relationship! i really have tried but i dont knw wat else to do...it feel like im raising her, she is so desperate she throws herself at every guy n then gets hurt n im the one stayin up wit her till 3 in the morning! i just dont knw how much more i can handle wit my parents! wat do i do??
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
Hi Shelly,
I hope you are a regular visitor in this blog and you find the reply here.
I guess the first question is : how old are you?
It is sad that your mom blamed you for the divorce, it is usually that kids blame themselves. She probably couldn't handle the situation and had to blame someone. It is never the kids' fault.
Do you have any other family members? grandparents, uncles?
Some parents are not functional, the fact they are parents is not enough to make them responsible, but you know what, it does not need to ruin your life. you can make the best out of it by making sure you are doing well, having good friends, building yourself a future.
if you feel it is not fair, you are right. No one ever said the world is fair.
Tell me how old you are?
and keep coming here, it may help you to find strength.
Ronit
Family Matters
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
Hi Reina,
What is happening with you now?
I was sorry to hear that your Christmas was not the best.
Some parents just find parenting a bit hard and without the right skills they do not give their kids the attention they need but you know what??? it is not the end of the world.
You still have your sight, your breath, your legs and arms and your brain to function and you can be very grateful for it and tell yourself every day " I can make it!"
I want you to read this post
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/emotional-intelligence/personal-development-c/starve-your-anger/
I think the worst thing about being angry is exactly that - feeding the bad bad wolf.
read it, tell me what you think.
Happy day
Ronit
The Motivational Speaker
Sapphira
I'm 19. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old and hate each other. throughout the following 12 years of my life I spent the majority of that time going through the family court. I have been my mother's puppet so that she could get full custody and make my father lose his visitation rights. complete and total fear of her is what influenced me to do them, because if I didn't I would get smacked or worse. She has told me to steal from my father, break things, and not have a shower or eat while I was with him. He never did anything bad to me, but apparently he did terrible things to her. So she used me to get him back, and the whole time she said he was using me to hurt her. She will never admit she was wrong or apologise... When I was 16 I started 'rebelling' against her. I started wanting to see my friends, and simply go out after school with my friends but she wouldn't have any of that. She NEEDED me to go with her everywhere and be her silent backup and witness... It would get to a point where I didn't know where she ended and I began. I haven't got any active interests in anything because for my whole life everything was about HER. When I showed an interest in something she would buy everything about it for me even though she had bills to pay, and try to give me everything that I wanted... Even though I didn't want it all and told her that before she got these things for me. I would go out with my friends one day, mayb to see a movie or something, and when I came back she would say I'm becoming too rebellious against her...
She has caused me to have panic attacks, her emotional blackmail and emotional abuse hurts me very much...
I yelled at her for trying to pressure and force me into a decision I did not want, and she hasn't called me since, which doesn't hurt me in the least... But she won't call me herself. She instead gets her friend to call me and see how I'm going, and also ask and pressure me into coming to visit the same as she does. But the only reason I see this person is through my mother. I have no reason to want to talk to her outside of that. My mother has successfully broken the contact between me and my father and the rest of his family, we only talk by email and text msg now, without her knowledge... I have tried to help my mother so many times but each time she sucks up everything I have, wants my money, all my time and energy, the only time to myself that I get with her is when I'm asleep, and even then she wants me to sleep in her bed with her like I'm still a little kid... Sometimes When I don't want to sleep in her bed with her, she comes to mine and then gets angry when I tell her I want to be alone...
She mistakes fear and pure unquestioning obedience for respect, but doesn't allow me to have my own boundaries, my own privacy etc. I'm living with my stepfather who has been my father since I was 3 years old, although she has divorced him now and married another man, he's still the one that raised me and been 'dad' for me. And she still wants me to come back and live with her and even open a business with her- the catch is she would be my employer and have total control of my finances. I'm not about to put myself back in the problem scenario.
Just now I've started looking into legal emancipation and if that would be viable... It's the only way I can see to show her that I am in fact a separate entity to her and not a fragment of her being. I don't hate her... But she makes it VERY hard.
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
HI Sapphira,
It is always sad to read about dysfunctional relationships between parents and kids. It seems from your writing that your mum needed help 17 years ago and did the only thing that came into her mind - using the kids against the partner.
However, you are not a kid anymore and you do not have to live with her, sleep in her bed, give her any power over your finance. You are a very lucky girl to have a loving step father that you can get as help.
Some parents do not do a good job at parenting. It is not because they are bad, it is just because they do not know how to do it better.
Regardless of how your mum behaved, you can make your life better and be happy and successful. It is OK to take time off from your mum and build your self confidence and renew your relationship with her when you are strong and independent and can tell her "No" or "yes" for every request she has and feel good about it.
I am sure your mum has something to do with your relationship with your dad, however, blaming her is not going to make you feel better, forgive her and go to your dad, call him and say, "Dad, let's start all over again". Tell him that you were a kid and did not understand what was happening between them and were easily influenced, you were just a kid and tell him you want to get to know him again.
I know it is hard, I would recommend focusing on what good you have and how you can make life better for yourself. Stay away from her for a while while you are working on yourself.
Good luck and be positive, out of that challenge, you can build lots of strength.
happy day
Ronit
The Motivational Speaker
Priya
Hi,
I have a very conflicting relationship with my parents and sibling. I couldn't ever understand their love. Like my sibling never been rude on my tone and always compromised to keep them happy. I had a decision always to be spinster life long but they kept on forcing me to get settle. They emotionally black mailed me since childhood and never allowed to make my decision and now at the age of 28 also my elder sister takes count of my earnings and expanses. I thought to snatch away everything and run but thinking off the pain they will go through, stopped myself. Now, I'm getting married to an ugly man just to make them happy. The guy look ugly, and also doesn't match in thoughts too.
I blame my parents and their emotional black mail and feel like to divorce them And, coz of this relation I don't want to be a parent to anyone. I have just started hating them. They never been bothered to understand me is what I believe...
Am I right in decision to divorce them
daniel
I have a realy poor relationshop with my parents
they are always defending my older bro (he is 20) over me and my sis(i am 16 and me sis is 29) and me and me sis are always nothing compared to my brother, and i am thinking of geting a divorce from my parents
http://www.behappyinlife.com Ronit Baras
Hi Daniel,
You have grown up siblings.
I can tell you that in my family, my brother was the special one. While we, the four sisters had to do many things, he was the king of the house and had to do nothing.
It too me a while to understand that it was not his fault. For my mom, him being the only son, meant the world and from her culture, boys do nothing.
Everything changed the second he left home( by the way, he is an adult now and he helps his wife at home and takes so many responsibilities just like my dad, tough my mom didn't think he should)
Some parents have weakness to one of the kids. Don't blame them, they are just humans.
In two to three years this whole thing will change shape and attitude.
Is your brother still at home?
If your parents say good things about him say " I love you too dad" They will understand it is not the best way to show you they love you.
some parents need help too. After all, they never learned how to do the most important thing of their life. - To parent.
Good luck
Ronit
Jess
I try to be nice to my parents but they are always fighting with each other and sometimes take it out on me. My dad is really short tempered and too much noise angers him. I wish to run away, but if I do and they find me they will be so mad. I am scared of my dad, he yells, swears and threatens to throw me across the room and even tells me to pack my bags sometimes. I'm actually rather scared, because my sis who is 18 has depression. And I hate to see the way my parents yell at her when she needs help. I fear becoming 18.
http://www.behappyinlife.com Ronit Baras
Hi Priya,
Divorcing is an emotional act. you can do it whenever you want. If at the age of 28 you still feel like you have a dysfunctional relationship with them it only means you have never went through the process of growing up.
At teen years kids learn to think for themselves even if it does not match their parents point of view. Blaming them for the rest of your life for marrying someone you do not like ( he can be the most beautiful guy so his look is not the important thing but what you feel toward him) is not going to make your situation better.
The question you should ask is not whether to divorce your parents but whether to prevent this marriage.
It is not good for you and not fair for the "ugly" guy. He is not to be blamed for your bad relationship with your parents or siblings.
In every blackmail, there is something that they hold against you.
please explain to me what is it?
28 years old, you can work, live on your own, find friends and new supporters.
As much as it is hard to say, it is your choice to give up to this pressure.
If you keep excusing failures with blame - you will end up living in this nightmare for many years.
So they will be angry and yell, so what?
I do not know of anyone dying from his parents' yelling, do you?
Yelling is a sign of weakness. The more they yell, the stronger you can feel about what you want out of life.
28 years old. Try to find a way to start life all over again, with supportive, encouraging people.
May you find the answer
Ronit
lauren
hey im lauren im 18, i want a divorce my parents as my step dad is a alcoholic and gets drunk every night and takes it out on me and my sisters. my mum does even try to help us out even when we have done nothing wrong im over all hes angry out bursts at me. he is always cheating on my mum to which make me want to stay but my mum wont leave him... should i divorce my parents
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
Hi Lauren,
It is very sad that your step dad is drunk. Drunk people do not have a clear mind and say and do things they would have never said or done if they were not drunk.
Did you mean your mum is not helping you?
If she doesn't help you it is only because she is scared herself.
If you are 18 than legally you can leave the house and live on your own. It is not appropriate to stay in such house and be abused if you do not have to.
Many young people with determination and motivation manage to be very successful and have happiness in life when they start a new life away from such abuse.
Your mum is a mature person, if he is cheating on her, she probably knows, or doesn't want to know. If she knows, there is no point telling her anything about it. If she doesn't want to know, there is not point hurting her and tell her he is. Both ways, it is better to let it go and understand that it is her choice. she made the choice to merry him and stay with him. It does not have to be your choice.
Where is your real dad in this whole thing?
Divorcing your parents is a choice only you can make. It is as easy as saying, I am going away for a while to give myself time to heal. It doesn't have to be rude, with a fight or conflict it can be as simple as taking care of yourself and building yourself a future (study, get a good job, find a good social group as support) so that one day, when you will leave the house ( and one day you will) you will be ready for living on your own and taking the responsibility over your life.
How old are your sisters?
Good luck
Ronit
lauren
No my mum doesnt do anything at all just watches while we have a scream fit and i dont really talk to my real dad he is also sayin stuff about my mum which ik dont like but i talk to him once in a blue moon and my lil sisters are 11 and 13
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
HI Lauren,
I want you to know that it is reasonable from you to expect that your mum does something to help you with your step dad but sometimes parents are not as strong as we expect them to be and instead of expecting them to be something they can't be, we can accept it and forgive them. If she could have protected you, she would have protected you.
It is a sad that even your dad is not the right role model but you know what? there are many people with such families and they can still make it - big time.
Your sisters are young. Do they get along with your step dad a bit better?
Are afraid that if you go away and have a life of your own, will her hurt them?
What do you do now? study? work?
Is it possible for you to get yourself a place of your own away from your step dad dad and mum?
Are you in any official eduction system? Every education system has someone that can help you. guidance officer or a councillor, social worker. They are so resourceful, it is amazing how many connections they have.
My sister is a social worker and she said to me that if kids, teens even parents show determination, she can bring them the moon...
Be determined and others,that their job is to help kids like you, will bring you the moon.
Good luck!
Ronit
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
Dear Jess,
How old are you now?
Parents do fight, it is part of life. They are two different people that live in the same house and raise kids together but they are not one and it is only natural they will have arguments.
Does your sister gets help?
Are you in school now?
Did you know that in every school or any other education system, there are people that can help you and your sister. Sometimes, only talking to someone can make the difference. Kids find it hard to talk to other kids because they feel exposed but if you talk to someone who is professional, you can ease some of that load.
The good news is that if your parents are not good for you, when you are 18 you can start a new life - on your own and far a way from them. It is a shame but sometimes it is the only way to move forward in life.
look at the survey. most people - and grown ups, are angry with their parents.
Try to forgive them so you won't be upset and make sure that everything you do will be towards building yourself, your character, your attitude, your resilience, your knowledge and ability to be independent because one day you will have to be and it is better to be prepared.
by the way, when your dad yells, imagine he speaks from your Ipod and just lower the volume. it works magic.
Good luck
Ronit
http://www.almanzora.com/en/holidays/general/introduction.php Holidays in Spain
I like to think that I would be a great parent, really nothing like the parents I have. Not that there is anything wrong with them, I just think I would like to try different methods to handling things. Time will tell.
http://onlinespanishcourse.blogzopia.com/ Online spanish course
You have covered almost all of the important points. Quite a comprehensive article. Good relationship with parents is very much important for basic upbringing and ethical values of our culture.
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
Thank you!
I am happy you think this is a comprehensive article.
" Good relationship with parents is very much important for basic upbringing and ethical values of our culture"
For your words I would like to say:
Amen!
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
Dear Holiday in Spain,
I sure think that generally our society evolves and kids should take learnings from their parents and be better.
I told my daughter, who is 21 years old now, that if she will do exactly the same things I did ( which she won't because she didn't grow up like me) it will be very disappointing.
I think that as we grow, we have a different perspective on life.
I agree with you that nothing needs to be wrong for us to do things differently.
What my parents did, was appropriate to the life 30 to 40 years ago, it is not the same now and we need to adjust.
I think people need to be brave to say what you have just said.
Time will tell that you did things better and one day you will tell your kids, when I grew up it wasn't as easy - Because it wasn't.
I hope that one day, my kids, will say the same thing. That they will do things differently - not just differently, but better than me.
That would mean I was successful in raising kids that thinks for themselves, kids that are able to evaluate their upbringing, take the good and get rid of the not so good and update, upgrade and adjust.
That would make me a proud mom.
Katie
By the looks of your poll, most people writing in are feeding the wrong wolf...even though they may have the best of intentions.
I am a married mother who is 16 weeks pregnant. My relationship with my family seems to have taken a nose dive since announcing my news of the expected arrival. I had a tumultuous "angry" relationship with my parents during my coming of age years, which I rehabilitated myself from with forgiveness and a lot of hard work in therapy. I divorced my best friend of 20 years when her life path took the direction my parents favored and I grew jealous from being left behind. I suffered from my indiscretion because what I thought would make things easier only made it more upsetting for me. I still feel resentment to my then boyfriend and now husband because he betrayed me to watch me throw my best friendship away without even trying to stop me....but then again he was orphaned as an infant so what was I to expect. Don't want to get off topic here so back to the point that just as we are slated to become parents for a second time, my family is acting nuts. Usually the trouble is that they make plans with me and then cancel at the last minute when better options turn up or they reserve fragmented increments of time for me and my family while taking liberties with friends and other family members. I have talked openly about it with my mom and dad and they say they are sorry but keep doing it. I've also noticed friends and sisters doing it too lately. I am feeling heavily leaned upon and this brings me down, dredging up the past and obsessing over the unknowns of the future. It makes me feel very isolated at a time which is an emotionally charged journey for me to begin with. My husband is being an angel and I wouldn't be able to put up with my family's antics without his support. I fear my daughter is suffering though as I am not as emotionally available to her at this time as I sort through all this baggage I'm clearly more susceptible to.
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
Hi Katie,
Well, it is a bit hard to talk about divorce and feed the right wolf...
If you look at the poll, you can see that you are normal. Many people do not have the desired relationship with their parents.
I think when you divorced your best friend, you probably did what seemed best then. Your husband did not allow nor prevent you he was just there.
I didn't really understand why your family is acting nuts?
Is it the new baby?
Do they have a problem with your husband?
It sounds like you want to spend time with them and they don't think it is a big deal to change their plans. If you had a chance to read the "Five love languages" you know that there are different ways to show love, you think quality time is love, theirs is probably different. It does not mean they don't love you, it only means they do it differently.
find friends to talk to. if this is not available, go see someone professional. It is a good idea to put the past when it needs to be and let go of some old feelings. you don't need this. It is not getting you anywhere and you need now to be relaxed and happy for your daughter to be relaxed and happy and for your baby to be relaxed and happy.
Go find the good wolf's food and just feed it every day, all day.
If for a while you need to stay away from them, I think separation starts before divorce.
Good luck and easy pregnancy
Ronit
Katie
Thank you for your advice,
I often have difficulty understanding my family too. My parent's don't live in the city so they tend to have a laundry list of things to do and people to see when they come to town so that me and my family seem to get pushed down on their priority list. I see more of them when I drive (6 hrs) to their place and spend a week at a time with them. My oldest sister lives across the world so that her time with my parents is usually for long stretches where my parents give all of the effort towards travel expenses and scheduled visits. My baby sister, who lives in the same city as me, is in the position of having them worry and fuss over her since she is still single and also tends to seek out more guidance from them.
Perhaps, as you say, there is something to the fact that I'm pregnant and that they could be getting flustered with their time normally set aside for me due to the added excitement of having a grand baby on the way.
Perhaps also, as you suggested, they have a problem with my husband because he is working on contract and they'd prefer he had a permanent job. It is of course a stressful situation for us (add pregnancy hormones) and mom doesn't help matters any by being critical.
However, I just don't have the heart to tell my daughter that grandma can't come babysit anymore because she has gone to my sister's house instead (when it was her idea and she offered so that I'd have more time to study for my university geology exam...and then didn't offer to reschedule), or grandma isn't coming anymore to visit because she's going to have her hair cut and manicure (and she doesn't bother to call and cancel....rather 3 hours later I have to chase her down to hear the story). The long and short of it is that I no longer tell my daughter to expect her grandparents so that she won't be upset when their plans inevitably change. I have a "glowing" memory of my grandparents. Is it wrong to want the same for my kids? My parent's love isn't in question here as I already know deep down they love me, my husband and their grandchild. Reliability is all I'm trying to get at because when I started having trouble trusting their plans, I became upset.
My mom has talked about being there for the baby's birth. Would you rely on her being there?
I don't think I'd have the heart to turn her away if she decided to make one of her "surprise visits".
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
HI Katie,
I find that the relationship with the in-laws can be really an obstacle. If your mom is nagging about your husband not having a permanent job it creates tension. what a shame!
It is hard to say such a thing to your daughter but it is better to state the facts rather than the interpretations. Grandma is not coming and when she asks why? you can say, "she choose to go to the hair dresser". If you say it without judgment your daughter will think of it as a fact. If she asks "Why?" you can say you don't know and she can ask grandma if she wants to. The truth is, you don't know why she made that choice. She probably had reasons you were not aware of - let her deal with your daughter directly. I am not sure how old is your daughter but if she is more than 3 years old ,she can say things directly.
The challenge is not to use the kids to say what you think. I sure wanted to do that sometimes but I find it really helpful to state facts and say that I don't know what made other family member do the things they did.
In many families there is a competition on parents attention. Even if you are a grown up with kids of your own, it never stops. Parents cannot treat all kids the same way because each kid has a different meaning in their life. This does not mean they love one less but it sure means each child has a different meaning. Older kids have a special relationship to parents that no other child can copy. I can give you my example, My son, Tsoof, was born after we lost two kids, having him is different to me than having the older one but my older daughter - Eden ( she is 21 years old now) is the girl that made me a mom. She helped me find things inside of me that I didn't know existed.
In the same way, your sisters to your parents have different meanings and different relationships - it is just is, no point fighting it.
About your mom coming to be with you for the baby's birth.
Tell her that you are happy but afraid to rely on this because of things happening in the past. Try saying it without anger and see what happens.
I was lucky because I have a good relationship with my two younger sisters and when there is something we need to say to mom and she doesn't get it we help each other. My sisters can call me and say "Talk to mom about this..." and I can do the same thing. We always try to say it directly but sometimes she is not cooperating so we use each other.
After I lost two children and was pregnant with Tsoof, Both my parents wanted to surprise us and come from overseas to be with us for the delivery. My sisters who know me very well, told me about the "surprise" and I asked them to tell my parents not to come for the delivery. We needed time to be with ourselves as a family and my parents came 10 days after. I am so happy it happened that way and it was thanks to my sisters.
It is tough to prepare yourself and not to prepare yourself.
Do you want her to come for the birth of your new baby?
If you do, say it, if not, say it!
Happy pregnancy!
Ronit
Katie
I want to understand and feel in control of my family relationships but the truth is that I just don't. My father has heart troubles and my husband's mother has terminal cancer. My brother-in-law is facing financial ruin yet we are in no position to help. My dad's twin brother has advanced prostrate cancer. Me, I feel caught in the middle and there's little I can do to change any of it. I suppose I should feel grateful that it's not me, but I'm too sensitive. My judgment regarding my pregnancy and my daughter's schooling seems frozen. I just flip flop on what to do since I really don't know what I want. It feels like going into a clothing store, trying everything on, and leaving empty handed. I've had a great summer and school is about to start, yet I am somehow dreading all of the unknowns instead of looking forward to the excitement of it. I guess it's not true that I don't feel grateful because I'm grateful that my house is healthy, that my pregnancy is healthy, that my husband has been steadily employed, that my daughter is big for her age and excited for preschool to start, and that my mother-in-law had a nice break visiting with us this summer and gave me and my husband some badly needed time off together. The questions of planning how to birth your baby seems frankly trivial to me since nothing with the first one went as planned. I feel more comfortable having the bases covered and then just going along with whatever feels right in the moment. For instance, I won't rule out any treatment or demand any special treatment. It's not like I don't know what to expect already. As far as my mom goes, she may not help as much as she thinks since I am more likely to tense around her than to relax. So I think I need to be direct with her that when I am ready to have her visit us and the new baby, then I will let her know. For my daughter's schooling we found a great private school but it will depend on acceptance and what our financial situation turns out to be a year from now, otherwise we'll just go in the catchment public kindergarten.
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
Katie,
Sometimes you just have to let go of that desire to control the relationship.
Many problems we have are caused by our attachment to the outcome. If things do not happen the way we want them to happen, it is going to be painful to keep expecting it. You already have a proof that your mom behaves in such a way, to keep expecting her to do it differently is like fighting "reality".
It is sad to hear that so many people around you are sick. I am sure it does not do well to your emotions but you know what? help is sometimes to call and ask "How are you?" or invite them for dinner or send a picture of your daughter as a "Get well" card. Help is not you fixing it, it is you being there without judgment and saying " This is your journey, I am here, I am not taking responsibility and not judging your decisions but I am still here with full acceptance" I am sure you can help emotionally. Change, Maybe you can't change - I guess the understanding we are fragile and are not Gods is not easy. I remember what happened to me when I lost my kids or what happened to Gal when he discovered he had skin cancer. It shakes your world big time and we can't change what happened only what we'll do about it in the future.
I don't think gratefulness is something we should feel. It is an intentional thing we do as a defence mechanism. Being grateful is away to take our life and give it a greater meaning by comparing it to something horrible, hard, difficult, worst. It helps but it does not change the reality only the perception of the reality.
If you feel that you rather have your mom only when you say you want her, it is a great opportunity to practice assertiveness - taking care of your needs, expressing it without hurting others.
My parents are wonderful guests, they help so much but they are full time job. Because they do not speak English they do nothing on their own, nothing. Even if I ask to leave them in the mall and come pick them up an hour later ( and go to the doctor) they say "no". I told them they don't need English to get into shops and see the prices ( They can read the prices) but they are so scared to be on their own and are with me all the time so hosting them is more work than relaxation. My mom is a bit better because she is happy to cook and home and saw but dad ( last time he was here he was 72) gets up in the morning like a kid and says "Cool, what are we doing today" and I need to work a plan of traveling and shopping all day.
When Tsoof was born and they came 10 days after, for a month I travelled with them to San Francisco and surrounding ( We lived in Sunnyvale, Santa Clara). Yes, with a 10 days old baby and after a surgery I did it every day for about 6-8 hours a day. I was happy they came because they helped a lot in the house but it wasn't easy. I was confused and overwhelmed and I couldn't enjoy it as much as I wanted.
This is why last year, when two of my sisters gave birth and I wanted to be there with them I promised I will not come to the delivery and went only when the babies were 8 month old. ( Both of them thanked me for it)
There are so many things that can happen in a year from now. Try to stay relaxed. I am sure you'll find a solution. Sometimes things that do not happen to us the way we expect introduce better options for us.
Stay calm. Do the things you want and make you happy and think of a happy, easy future. Imagening a happy future is the other side of anxiety. Think about it, anxiety is going in your mind into a bad possible future. If you can do anxiety, you can do the opposite, going in your mind into a happy possible future.
Try, it workds brilliantly.
Happy week
I am sending you a hug, watch it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J25jTpshJ8I
Ronit
Sara
I wonder why the choice of the word divorce in this poll. Of course as children grow they will be more independent and physically and emotionally separate. But divorce often happens due to some bad event or series of events. This does not have to occur in a normal parent-child relationship. Perhaps you were just seeking something that will grab our attentions.
http://www.ronitbaras.com/index.php/about/ Ronit Baras
Hi Sara,
The choice of the word divorce came from readers as divorce was considered "official separation".
No one wants to "divorce" or "separate" from his parents unless there were bad relationship and no divorce is normal.
Divorce does not have to occur in any normal relationship!!!!
When you read all the comments in this post, you know that we are discussing something that is totally not normal.
http://www.valea-mare.ro/ suc de mere
I`m also bloging about natural juice and the information provided by you is very interesting.
Kathyrine
Well, I am 13 years old and i don't know what to do about my parents. My dad is an abusive drunk, though I don't live with him now, and my mother absolutly hates me. She thinks I am a disgrace.. I don't know what to do! I try so hard to be the best that i can be, but its never enough. I've lived my entire life being abused and I just wish it could end..
http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras
Dear Kathryine,
It is good you don't live with your dad and are not a witness to drinking and abusive behavior.
If your dad was drunk and abusive, he was probably abusive towards your mum. I know it is not your role to take care of your mum but you can understand and not expect her to take care of you.
There must be other people around that are encouraging.
find family members that you love and love you and hang around them. Stay in contact with them, share your life with them and try to get encouragement from them.
Find friends who support you and hang around with them ( be careful not to compromise on every friend just because you don't have support from home).
find teachers that will help you. Teachers are a great help , if you find the right one.
In about 5 years, everything will be different. you will be able to leave home and study or get yourself a good job and find a partner that will be respectful and love you and all your memories of abuse will fade.
There must be some things you are good at, make sure you have a hobby or do something that keeps you away from home - but in a safe place until your mum finds a way to recover.
Tell me what you are good at?
What are your talents?
Do you have brothers and sisters?
Who can help you?
stay strong!
Ronit
http://www.behappyinlife.com
DD Girl
I hope I can be resilient to all of the damaging experiences and memories I have growing up. Even now as an adult, I am treated worse than a stranger and I am not included in most family functions. Is it really that bad that I have a different father? How can a mother endorse this kind of outing, especially when she chose to have relations out of wedlock and with a married man? Do I remind her of my father, whom she now hates? Why am I still tortured by this at age 34? Why do I stick around for this kind of treatment and worse, constant disrespect? Will my own son and other future children suffer if I divorce my mom and possibly siblings? Is it more damaging for him and my husband to see me put in this negative light and receive such negative treatment? Why is it so hard to love all of your children alike? Afterall, they are a mother's children 100% no argument there.
Sincerely,
Disillusioned and Disfunctional in Washington State
http://www.get-business-online.com/ Gal Baras
Sure thing. We're here to help.
http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras
DD girl,
When people are upset, the do stupid things because their mind is not in the right place. One thing that happens with most divorce of parents is the kids take sides - they have to and if your mum thought you took your dad's side, she will treat you as a threat.
It is a shame you are not included and shows that your mother is not doing her job as a mother, she is still your mother, even when you are 34 years old.
Why do you stick around to be tortured? This is a good question. I think you stick around because you hope, you want to belong, because you don't want to feel an orphan - but you are an orphan! The fact she is a live, makes it only worst.
Yes, I think your son will suffer if you divorce your mum but the question is will he suffer more if you stay in an abusive relationship with her?
only you can answer.
It is hard to love all your children the same. I am telling you, I have 3 and I love them dearly but not the same. I am not sure this is what you want, the same treatment, the same relationship. When she gave birth to you, she was connected to you with an emotional umbilical cord that she no longer respects.
You can't control her behavior, you can control yours.
If you look at the poll you will see that you are not alone and that many people have issues with their parents.
best of luck
Ronit
http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras
Hi Private,
Congratulations!
Divorcing a parent requires strength and confidence.
You must be feeling great that after about 50 years you took from her the power she never had.
We want our parents' love and by this want/ need we give them power.
one day you will thank her for being nasty to your child as what you call straw that broke the camel's back is what gave you the courage to take the power away from her.
Giving birth to kids gives rights to enjoy your kids and love them not to abuse them.
good on you!
Kathleen Triggs
My sister is a sociology major and she believes that abuse is defined extremely widely so that the greatest amount of people benefit from any doubt of distinction. This being said, abuse is an extremely widely variating set of conditions. I think it is dangerous to seek online counselling in something as serious as divorcing a parent from an online free coach. This is an intensely personal and complicated deliberation which should only be arrived at with close and careful attention to detail. I just worry in this type of format that you are misleading people or giving false hope. Almost everyone falls apart, usually in front of those who they hold most dear. That doesn't dampen loving feelings deep underneath the broken communication and misunderstandings. Cutting off oneself from exposure to those who love them is a bad idea. Even though they may express their love inappropriately, this is fundamentally an issue of boundaries and assertiveness work which everyone can learn at any age, whether the parent or the child. We believe it is parents jobs to teach adult skills to their children but not all adults come with the skills that their children will need to succeed. Life is complex and love is not an easy road. Why do we always want to look to quick fixes like divorce. Abuse in this sense should be reserved for the narrowest of varieties which involve sexual and physical violations. Otherwise, roll up your sleeves and work at it because you truly get out of life and relationships what you put in. Walking away is what you can expect to get out of your adult relationships.....lack of commitment and furthermore, constant disappointment wondering what might have been if you had tried harder.
http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras
Dear Kathleen,
Though we mostly talk about physical and sexual abuse, emotional abuse is not something we can afford to ignore.
I believe that all readers in this post do not think that reading a post is counselling in anyway. As you can read from all the many comments to this post, most of them talk about emotional abuse and use this comment box to express, share and vent a bit.
I truly believe that no parent, even the one hurting his children physically, consider himself as an abuser. Parents do the best they can and sometimes the best they can is really damaging.
I know it is a very delicate topic but being delicate does not mean we need to avoid talking about it.
There are many people, too many in my opinion, struggling with their parents, most of them long after they leave the house.
I agree with you that working on the relationship is essential but not every one can do that. Not all parents know how to parent and not all children are able to fix the relationship and I believe many of them do try.
We all need to find this place in our heart to forgive or let go of the relationship instead of use it as an excuse to many of our problems in life. The scene of a patient sitting on the sofa talking to the psephologist how horrible his parents were needs to fade.
Though the statement " you get out of your relationship what you put in" is a strong, positive and empowering statement, I think it is not applicable the same to the relationship between parents and their children. Kids are followers, they don't choose their abilities, their strength, their circumstances, they just have to manage with what their parents present to them. When they roll up their sleeves and try to work out their relationship with their parents, they can not just start all over again - underneath there is much pain that needs to be healed first.
Divorcing your parent is a metaphorical way of examining the relationship between parents and their children ( that in this case are parents themselves). I think that no one takes it lightly.
Thanks for your comment.
Ronit
concerned big sister
I have recently stopped talking to my mother and step father as their is officially no hope for them they do not care about any one not even them selfs so i need some help my mum has never been a GOOD mum and has always been addicted to pain medication as far as i can remember i have had to be the adult she did get to a point were she would physically abuse me broke my nose once when i was 14 yrs old but regardless of what she did i stuck around to support her i fought everyone that said anything bad about her well she only got worst she did get better at one point when she met her now fiance who i hate but then she went back to normal and then got worst she isnt a well woman one kidney was removed always sick but her fiance started to get her to drink with him an before long she was addicted to the alcohol & pain killers im not talking 3 tablets im talking 40 something a day of panadiene forte i am now 22 yrs old an have a daughter my self since i was 15 i have been look after her i left school to be her carer and did everything for her i have given her cars payed her bills because her money went on drugs and grog 2 yrs ago she ended up in hospital on her death bed she was only 38yrs of age she has septicemia an the pain killers were killing her she made a miracle recovery an stopped the pain pills an grog but b4 long my step father had her back on them i stuck by herside 24/7 at the hospital so i was so angry when i seen her taking them again but i couldnt do nothing but be there for her well 1yr ago she was re admitted for the same thing but not as serious she was let out 2 weeks later n on the shit again not to mention her an her partner recently tried to smash up my house 6 months ago so i have cut all contact with her BUT she has my little 7 yr old sister who i miss sooo much i have raised her since i was 15 she is like my 1st daughter i have not seen her in 6 months and its killing me im 22yrs old have a 3 yr old daughter and a fiance of 6yrs that works hard and we are paying off a house together an he misses her too as he was like her dad the thing is im not sure if i have rights to fight for visitation rights or full custody of her as i believe she deserves better then them i have no clue if she is safe or in danger as they wont even let me c a photo of her or hear her voice pls help me i need to have my sister with me i already have my 18 yr old sister with me but i need my baby sister my lil angel to come back to were she belongs do i have rights as her older sister????????
Flavia
I have a good, if lop-sided, relationship with my mother. I really would prefer to have no contact with my father. The relationship exists only because I am too chicken to cut the ties. It makes me angry that I'm 42 and still ducking him like I did when I was a child. At least he lives in another state.
http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras
You are a grown up Flavia, You can stay away from him as much as possible.
It is your choice!
He can't hurt you now! or, can he?
http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras
Big sister,
I think what you are asking is a legal question you should direct to a solicitor.
Can you see her at school? He school?
Where is her dad?
Do you know a third person who has any contact with her?
This is sad.
http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras
Suc de Mere,
Thanks!
http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras
Online Spanish course.
Thanks.
I am glad you liked it.
Ronit
http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras
How old are you?