Save Your Marriage (6): How to Get Things Wrong

One typical topic appearing in each couples' counseling or coaching session is the lack of communication between them. It is not that they do not talk. They do, but they talk to themselves in a never-ending self-talk that happens to be negative.

One theory about the reason for marriage breakdown is that one or two of the married couple seem to be trapped in a conversation, in which they talk and they answer on behalf of their partner. In this conversation, their partner is critical and demanding, which makes them treat them with anger later on. When I ask them about their communication, they are very surprised to discover they never actually had these conversations with the other person.

Self-talk is a natural emotional outlet for people. Self-talk is the internal conversation a person has with himself or herself. It is the way to verbalize a person's thoughts. Self-talk is a good way to handle stressful situations. When they are too overwhelming, people talk to themselves to find ways to handle the situation. They tell themselves the problem is not that big, they tell themselves they have solutions, they tell themselves things that will encourage them to "survive" the situation. Self-talk can be very helpful.

The problem in every relationship appears when the thoughts are negative and later on, the attitude towards the partner can be hostile and negative. People fearing a reaction may tell themselves things on behalf of their partner and react to them as if they have already happened.

Negative self-talk gives freedom to many feelings that do not support marriage like fear, jealousy, anger, frustration and even hate. Such feelings are fertile soil for divorce. It is impossible to find a divorcing couple having feelings of joy, happiness, love or satisfaction. In many cases after divorce, it takes years for people to awaken such feelings.

The Jack

Desert scene A young man in a 4-wheel drive was stuck in a remote desert place. He got out of his car and was very disappointed to see his front tire blown. He hurried to the back of his car for the spare tire.

"Thank God", he said to himself, "The spare is fine", and he took the spare out. When he reached for the Jack, it was not there.

"Where on Earth did I leave the Jack?" he asked himself, trying to remember. He looked all over but found nothing in the back of his car. He looked around him and saw only sand with no sign of life. Far in the distance, he saw some smoke going up, figured he would follow the smoke, and hoped he would find someone to lend him a jack.

As he walked, he saw a tiny house in the distance. The walk was long, the sand was soft and the walking was hard.

"Who lives in such a remote place? … There is only one house on the horizon, so he must be a loner? … Otherwise, why would anyone come to live in such a place if he wasn't a loner? … He could be a runaway criminal … I would run away to a place like this if I was a criminal … What if pulls a gun at me? … Nah … Why would he pull a gun at me? … Maybe he is scared. Scared people do silly things … How does he get in and out of here, anyway? … Where does he buy the bullets for the gun? I just need a jack … It's my car … I can' find my jack … I will say thank you and go … But then he won't have a jack … I'll bring him back the jack … Will I? … I've been walking for 4 hours and I'm not there yet … I can't walk 4 hours back to my car and than another 4 hours to give back the jack … It'll be dark by then … Maybe he has a spare jack? … Why would anyone have a spare jack? … But I must find a jack … OK, Ok, I'll bring it back, I promise … I can give you my driver's license as a guarantee … The license is all I have … You can always find me if I don't bring it back, see ... What do you mean you don't trust me? … Why on Earth would I come here and ask for your jack if I didn't need it? … I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere and I really need your help … Please …"

The young man got closer to the little house. It was getting dark and the lights in the house were on. He knocked on the door, hesitating.

Car jack "What if he is watching TV and doesn't answer the door? … It's only TV. Surely he'll understand that if someone knocks at this time of day, it must important … Some people think TV is more important … I just need a favor … Some people are so preoccupied with themselves, they won't help a dying person on the street … People can be so cruel, like this guy here, sitting and watching TV … I'll probably get stuck here and starve to death …"

The door opened and an old guy stood at the door, looking surprised.

"You know what?" said the young man, "I don't need your help. You can take your jack and shove it".

How many times did you shove your thoughts and fears in your partner's face as soon as he or she opened the door?

Join me next week for the continuing discussion about self-talk in marriage and discover self-talk of men and women that sometimes leads them to divorce.

Surely, you have had similar experiences too. I invite your to share with everyone via the comment box below.

This post is part of the series Save Your Marriage:

You may want to read

August 19th, 2008 | Author: Ronit Baras

Posted in Relationships / Marriage | Tags: anger, behavior / discipline, communication, divorce, Emotional Intelligence, family matters, fear, projection, Relationships / Marriage, self-talk

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mike
Hi, I've been married two years and have noticed a type of self-talk problem with my wife. She talks to herself about me with extremely negative and venomous words. I've noticed this for the past two years, however two nights ago I actually was able to quietly approach and get close enough to listen for about five minutes and I was really shocked by the negativity flowing from her about me, about issues which were false. When I approaced her about what she was saying, she couldn't explain why she was saying such things and seemed embarrassed about being caught self-talking. I was rather upset about what she had said to herself about me, so I left the house for a few hours and upon arrival back to my house she was extremely sorry about the situation. However I still feel that this is a serious issue in our marriage that could break us up.
Has anybody heard of or experienced somebody that self-talks about somebody else, and where the self-talk is extremly negative and absolutely incorrect?
Mike
http://www.behappyinlife.com Ronit Baras
Hi Mike,
As much as I think self talk is a helpful way to organise your thoughts and feelings, I do believe they need to be done in private. If your wife is talking to herself in a negative way, it means she has issues needs to be solved. I guess I would say she is trying to help herself – not in a very helpful way.
I encourage my clients to talk to themselves if they feel overwhelmed about any relationship. Sometimes, listening to yourself helps a lot.
Self talk is great but only if it is positive.
I think it is a good idea for you to talk to your wife about what she feels about you. It is better finding out what she really feels than guessing.
Go over the whole series of the save your marriage chapters and ask your wife to do the same.
Negative self talk is absolutely damaging to any relationship but remember that we are pretty much programmed to have that self talk so there is a way fo changing it, so leave the breakup as a last resort.
Good luck Mike
Ronit
http://www.ronitbaras.com
http://www.behappyinlife.com
http://RelationshipProductGuide.com Jamie London
I agree with you, Ronit! Self talk in a negative way, in front of people who you are talking about, is completely damaging in a relationship. I suppose you can consider it to be passive-aggressive behavior. I also agree that breaking up should be a last resort in a relationship. Thanks for your good advice.
http://www.ronitbaras.com/ ronitbaras
Hi Jamie,
If I could allow people to listen to their self negative talk while in argument, I am sure divorce rate would shrink dramatically.

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