As a life coach, I talk a lot about wanting. I believe wanting is essential in life. It is the driving force of our existence. But today, I want to tell you about a session on my life coaching deck that reminded me again why the question "Why?" is as important as the question "What?" Chris, one of my wonderful clients, taught me a wonderful lesson about what happens when you do not know why.

All I knew about Chris was that he was a businessman in his early fifties, married, with no kids and a lack of motivation who was looking for a life coach. Nothing special. We all have those periods in our life when we just find it hard to get up in the morning.

This is what I told myself when I prepared for his session. The first time he came, when I opened the door, I saw from the corner of my eyes a classy Mercedes Benz parked outside. Well, the first thing I could think of was "Oh my god, what a beautiful car". I have to say it made me more curious about the reason he came. I thought that car was the result of lots of motivation.

Chris came out onto my deck, looked around and admired the yard. "What a beautiful place", he said, "Do you see all your clients here?" he asked. He seemed very friendly.

"Yes, I do. It makes everyone very relaxed, including me", I smiled.

He put his car keys on the table and said, "It's true. I feel relaxed already". He sat at the table and I asked him a bit about his life.

Life coaching involves some detective work. I take the puzzle pieces and try to put them together, looking for the piece that has the most important items on it, the piece that will make the picture clear. I asked and he was happy to answer. I think in some way, he wanted my help and presence to think out loud.

"Why are you here, Chris? What do you want?" I asked him.

He looked confused. "I really don't know. I think something's wrong with me".

Some people just do not know what they want. They sense that something is wrong and their life could be better, but they cannot put their finger on it. Asking "What do you want?" can open doors to places where they do not tend to go by themselves.

"What do you mean 'Something is wrong with me'?" I asked.

"I have a beautiful wife. We've been together 30 years now. I love her and she loves me ... I have a business that turns over millions of dollars every year ... I bought myself the car of my dreams last year", he said and I immediately thought about the classy car parked outside my house and I was sure many people have the same dream, "I have good friends that I see from time to time ... I go to church every weekend ... I have everything I wanted in life and still, there is something wrong with me".

My first reaction was, "Wow, this sounds like the perfect life. Why on Earth would any person who has everything everyone only dreams of say that something is wrong with him, but then Chris said, "I'm not happy".

Happiness is like a barometer. I think that people who realize this may feel a bit scared at first, but they have a great potential to be powerful.

"Why aren't you happy?" I asked.

"I don't know. I wish I could figure this out myself", he said. He looked sad.

When he was 16, Chris was kicked out of a very poor, disturbed home. After spending time as a homeless teen, hungry on the cold streets of England, he made up his mind to be a millionaire. "I knew I would be a millionaire one day. I've had hundreds of businesses over the years. I became a millionaire officially two years ago. Unfortunately, it had taken me 35 years to do it".

"Do you think something is wrong with you because it took you 35 years to become a millionaire?" I asked him.

"Yes, of course", he said, "Don't you think it's too long?"

"Some people spend their whole life trying and never become millionaires", I said to him, "I know many people who would be thrilled with being millionaires after 35 years. It's much better than never".

He looked at me surprised and said, "That's a good point. You're right".

Chris was sharp. The way he responded made me think that he was looking for someone to challenge his thinking and to help him thinking.

"What makes you happy?" I asked.

He hesitated and answered like a child who has been caught doing something bad. "Beer ... I get up in the morning and think of beer ... when I'm at work, I can only think of beer ... when I come back home, I only want beer".

I thought to myself, "What a waste. He reminds me of kids and their attitude to school breaks. Throughout the whole year, they look forward to the next school break, but when the long summer break finally arrives, they do not know what to do with all that spare time. I would have done so many things with that money. I wonder if Chris thought the same way before he had all that money".

"Do you only think of beer and want beer or do you actually drink beer?" I asked.

"Oh, I drink beer all day, but it doesn't even make me happy anymore. I told you something was wrong with me", he said.

It was funny, hearing a 50-year-old man talking like a child. "What's the problem with drinking beer all day?" I asked.

"I don't enjoy it and it makes me unhappy. I think I'm addicted", he said.

"Define addiction", I said. After hearing so many clients defining "addiction", I have perfected my own definition the word, but I wondered about his.

"Addiction is when you want something more and more, but when you get what you want, it is not satisfying and you want even more of it. It is a never-ending cycle. It gives you temporary comfort, but over time, it is less and less comforting and you need more and more of it", he said.

This trick always worked. When asked about addiction, every client comes up with a definition that sounds like it is the first time they have thought about it. The trick is to make them hear themselves defining it.

"When did you start drinking?" I asked him.

"I've been drinking all my life, but you know, once a week, nothing serious. I'm not sure exactly when I started drinking more. I think about two or two and a half years ago".

I had a feeling I had heard him talking about this timeframe. "What triggered it? Did something special happen back then, two or two and a half years ago?" I asked.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing", he said, playing with his car keys, then suddenly stopped.

We had about 2 minutes of silence. He looked at me and his eyes were shining. He knew exactly when his drinking had started. "It started at a party my wife and I organized for the whole office after I signed a big contract. It was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and I was in panic. I think I'm still in panic", he said with long pauses, as if he was talking to himself and thinking out loud.

"What was it that scared you so much?" I asked.

He sat back in his chair and played with his car keys again. There was another long period of silence. Then, he said, "I think I realized it didn't have the power I thought it did".

"What power?" I asked.

"The power to make me happy, the power to fix everything, the power to feel loved. I was given a magic lamp and there was nothing magic about it. All my life, I'd said, 'When I become a millionaire, it will fix everything' and it fixed nothing. I was the same man. It was so devastating I started to drink. I'm addicted to beer. Every day, I drink more than the previous day and it doesn't help".

When he talked about the magic lamp, I understood that most people think the same about money. They are addicted to making money. They want more of it, they make more of it, but it is never enough. The second you look in your bank account provides temporary comfort, but every time, the joy last less and less time. It is painful to find out that what you wanted all your life was not exactly what you thought it would be. Chris was just one more guy who was addicted to making money. He was just an addicted millionaire.

Addiction, from my experience, is a mindset. If you overcome one, you usually replace it with something else. Sometimes, I think it is a bottomless pit, caused by pain, that people try to fill in ways that only make the emptiness bigger. I had found the most valuable piece in this puzzle. Chris and I talked about addiction and I asked him to think of all the things in his life he was addicted to, based on his definition of addiction.

"I'm addicted to money", he said in relief.

Mostly poor people are addicted to money, because they are far more focused on wanting money than on what they would do with that money once they got it. They dedicate most of their energy in life to making money and not enough to using it well. They know what they want, but not why they want it.

Chris had been addicted to money since he was 16 years old. He had been in such pain from being thrown out of his home and living on the streets without food, he developed the belief that money was the cure for all his pains. He had started business after a business. He had failed and gotten up and earned more and more and finally, when he had reached his desired goal of being a millionaire and it had not filled up the emptiness, he had lost his motivation and wanted to drown himself in his disappointment, so he had swapped one addiction with another.

Emptiness cannot be filled with sugar, food, alcohol, money, drugs or any other addiction. Emptiness can only be replaced by a feeling of gratitude, self-appreciation, acceptance, forgiveness and a strong feeling of love.

The millionaire game

It was the end of the session and Chris and I came up with a strategy for our next session. I told him next time we would play the "Millionaire game". I started playing this game when I was 24 and I had my first business. At home, we play it very often with the kids. In this game, we imagine what we would do with lots of money. When we talk about what we want to do with that money, it can help us find the why, the pain or discomfort we want this money to heal. If we know what we are missing in life, we can make good use of our money by buying this feeling with the money we have worked so hard to get. Money is a means to an end. When it becomes the goal, reaching our goal can be painful.

I felt lucky. It is not often you get a chance to sit with a real millionaire and ask him, "If you were a millionaire, what would you do with your money?"

Chris stood up and looked at the garden.

"You have a nice place. It's very relaxing here. Do you play games with all your clients?" he asked, smiling.

"As often as I can", I answered and stood next to him.

"I've always thought I was born 16 years old on the street. It's a strange thought. I don't remember myself playing games", he said. I think he understood that money was not really what he wanted. Maybe he was grieving his lost childhood.

As we both looked at the palm trees of my yard, I touched his shoulder and said, "It's never too late to start".

Be happy,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The art of Excellence (3): Risk, success and happiness
• The art of Excellence (2): Fighting poverty
• The art of Excellence (1): Success with high standards

If you hear parents tell you that kids are an obstacle for them, I can tell you that having kids is a bad excuse for not doing business. When the kids grow up and leave the house, they will be left with their excuses. So when they have to explain why they have never done what they have always wanted to do, they will start saying, "It's too late now", which is just another excuse.

If you are thinking of starting a business and will need to juggle business and family, it is a good idea to discover what you will have to do to succeed at it. Some people are not cut out to own and operate a business. Others do not know how to balance a home and a business. Managing your business, your home and your parenting well requires some skills and attitudes that will determine the success of your business, the quality of your family life and even your health.

Unlike people who do not have kids, business parents risk a lot more than their own time and money. They risk their relationships with their partners and with their kids, as well as the quality of preparation their kids get for life. You go into business because you want a better life for your kids, not to destroy your relationship with your kids, so do it right!

Qualities of bad business people

Here is a list of qualities and behaviors that will prevent you from making it in business and what you can do instead. Read carefully. If you find any item that describes how you operate, make an effort to change before investing in a business. If you are already in a business, this is even more important.

1. Reactive - cannot predict anything and do not think ahead. Reactive people behave like the Fire Brigade and try to put out fires instead of preventing them. They are always surprised when things happen, because they do not plan ahead. Think ahead. Visualize. Conceptualize. Play with scenarios in your mind. Have a good system that can tell you to pay attention to things ahead of time. We send our subscribers a newsletter every month on the 15^th. We cannot afford to wake up on the 15^th and say, "Oh, I have a newsletter to write and prepare". We have computer reminders and we write and schedule things in advance. In business, many things cannot be predicted, but many can be. Have things ready well ahead of time.
2. Lacking long, medium or short-term goals. Nobody can achieve goals without having them. You go into business to succeed. You have to have a definition of what success means to you. You have to build up to that success by setting and achieving short, medium and long-term goals. They are your success plan.
3. Being busy with details and never having enough time. The feeling of not having time means they do not manage their time properly. You can predict how this affects the way they manage their family life too. Having good time management is essential to running a family as much as to running a business. If you hear yourself saying often, "I don't have time", stop and do something about it. You may be planning too much, you may not be effective or your sense of priority may need adjusting.
4. Avoiding decisions. When the decisions are tough, some people wait for their circumstances to change and save them from making a choice. Remember, not making a decision is a choice. Good business people do not give circumstances the power to determine their life. They make decisions even if they are tough and keep learning from the outcomes.
5. Making a fuss out of little things. Some people find it hard to distinguish between what is important and what requires letting go. If you declare a "red alert" for every tiny thing, no wonder your life looks like a battle zone. If you are such a person, use a rating system. On a scale of 1-10, how big is this issue? Or on a scale of 1-10, how important is this for me? Then, choose your battles. Deal with the important things and fit the rest in-between or let them go.
6. Having a desk full of documents and not prioritizing. If you look at some people's desk, you will see a jumble of bills, articles, bank statements, private letters and even things they have no use for. Put some order into your documents. Have a place for everything. Have a filing system for documents. On average, people go over each document 6 times. That is a waste of a lot of time you could be spending with your kids. Decide what to do about each document and then file it or throw it away. The order and the space on you desk will clear your mind.
7. Not delegating and trying to do everything by themselves. Some people never ask for help. When you are in business and have kids, you cannot be superman or superwoman, so get help. Let someone else do the things you cannot. If your time is worth X, pay someone else whose time is worth less than X to do the accounts, the cleaning or the stock taking. You may pay the same by the hour, but if they get twice as much done in that time, you save.
8. Doing things manually ("the old fashioned way"). Some people avoid spending money on things that can make them more productive. An electric saw may cost more than a hand saw, but if your job is cutting timber, it will make you heaps faster and pay for itself 10 times every week. Get better tools. Buy software, books, machines and other technology that will speed up your work.
9. Working 10-14 hours a day. Working at night or staying overtime often is a sign of poor time management. If you do extra work regularly, you will burn out. Decide how many hours you work and stick to it. If you need to work more than 8 hours, try doing it after the kids are in bed. You do not want them to see you working all the time. They might thing you have no life and learn from you. If you need to give extra time, plan it ahead. Get the kids to a weekend sleepover at the grandparents or with friends and do some extra work.
10. Stretching boundaries to the point of addiction with "I will do just one more thing". Some people stay at work and keep reading "just one more email" or "just making that last change" when it is time to go home. Others stay up and watch "just to the end of this show", then find themselves tired and grumpy the following day. When you run your own business, work never ends. There is always "one more thing" to do. Let go! Stop on time. Switch to "family mode". Take care of yourself. Stick to your boundaries.
11. Having a black and white mentality. Some people are not flexible with their requirements and expectations. They are constantly frustrated, because life is full of "shades of gray", not black and white. This is a rigid mindset and gets them into lots of problems. Flexible businesses respond faster to market changes and succeed where rigid ones fail. Learn to compromise and accept a variety of situations and people.
12. Being perfectionists. Some people talk about "the right solution" instead of "a practical", "a possible" or "a manageable" solution. Again, that makes them very frustrated and others view them as snappy and anti-social, which makes it harder to do business with them. Life is never perfect, if only because different people expect different things. Go for "good enough" and do the best you can do under the circumstances, even if it is not "perfect".
13. Always finding someone to blame for problems, difficulties and challenges. If something goes wrong and you always talk about whose fault it is, you are suffering from the blame disease. People do not like doing business with those who do not take responsibility. Take responsibility!
14. Seeing a bad and sad future, complaining and finding problems and faults. Again, people do not like being around complainers. Just stop complaining or use the rubber band technique. Put a rubber band on your wrist and flick it and experience pain every time you complain. After a while, it will slow down. When you look at the bright side, your life and your business will be bright.
15. Taking work home. Mixing work and home can be dangerous, because it blurs the lines and makes it easier to extend work at the expense of home. Even if you decide to work from home, have a separate area for work and "go home" when the workday is over.
16. Not taking time to rejuvenate. Some people wear themselves down by working non-stop. Weekends are precious, so use them for rest. Take a few days off for fun and relaxation every 3 months. Take a longer holiday once a year.
17. Trying to be friendly with everyone. Some people just want to be nice and do not know how to set boundaries with clients, suppliers, employees and even their children. At some point, they start feeling abused and their self-esteem starts to drop, along with their performance. In business, you must set prices and you must set policies. Learn to be nice within reason and to be firm when you need to be.
18. Trying to avoid paying Tax and forgetting to make money. Taxes are paid on income and even when you pay 40% taxes, you get to keep 60% of what you make, which is better than nothing. I want to pay $1,000,000 in tax every year, because it will mean I am making a lot of money. Accept taxes as part of life and get on with making money. In fact, look at a high tax amount as an indication you are doing well.

In a way, running a family is similar to running a business. If you have the right skills and attitudes, you can do both of them well. If someone tells you that you cannot do both, do not listen, because you can! Kids are a wonderful source of motivation to succeed in business. Mine have always been and still are every day.

Going into business has advantages and disadvantages. If you are a family man/woman, the risk is greater, but the reward is greater still. I always thought that having kids makes my business success greater as my three kids also enjoy the rewards of my success every day. I am happy, they are happy and I increase the chance they will one day possess the skills to run their own businesses after having a good role model.

Be successful!
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Anybody Can Do It
• Everyone can do it (with expert help)

Whether you know me from Family Matters, Be Happy in LIFE or The Motivational Speaker, you know how strongly I am into the "You can do it!" attitude. I am a life coach and an educator and ever since I started my first business at the age of 25, this has been my motto - I can do it! Everyone can!

I often use the quote "If you think you can or think you can't, you're right" as one of my life coaching favorites. I am in the business of happiness and my slogan is "Happiness is a choice!"

Even success on the Internet is a choice, isn't it?

If you have a business and want to open it to the Internet, if you want to get more business online, if you want to have tens of thousands of readers or a stream of buyers, if you want to know how to be successful at Internet marketing, sit tight and enjoy the ride.

A free event for suckers

[I know the word "suckers" is strong, but it is not my choice. This is what people ultimately call themselves when they realize what has happened to them. I have heard it enough times to know]

The first time I came into the Internet world was when Gal and I did our life coaching course. While everyone was working on establishing a practice, Gal, who had been an IT manager, was focusing on our online presence. By the end of my course, we were the only people, out of about 50 coaches, who had a site and a business card to give potential clients. After a while, our roles became clearer - I was an educator with over 20 years of experience and knew nothing about computer technology and Internet, and Gal was an IT professional with over 20 years experience and knew a lot about it. So I did the offline work and Gal did the online work.

The first thing you learn about starting a business on the Internet is that everyone can do it. I remember the first seminar I attended. You may have had the same experience yourself. It is a free event that makes hundreds of thousands of dollars in sales in one day. The food, the venue and the free gifts are nothing compared to how many suckers come to those events for the promise of sitting on the beach in a swimsuit with a laptop, sipping cool drinks and watching the dollars appearing on the screen every day and every hour.

The suckers' slogans

Gal and I went to our first event as life coaches. It was an awesome weekend. It was a great seminar and I learned a lot. For 2 days, they promised the world "Be your own boss! Work 3 hours a day! Money will be coming out of your ears!" and ... "Everyone can do it!"

I have to say I almost believed them. I wanted to believe them with all my heart, but because our life coaching course had promised exactly the same thing, I had the suspicion there was a pattern there. Luckily for us, it was not a test of our trust. We just did not have $10,000 to buy the product on offer. We were shocked that our fellow coaches spent so much money just weeks after they had spent thousands of dollars on the life coaching course.

If you have ever heard these slogans about trying to build a business on the Internet, be warned, someone is convinced you are a sucker and might be taking you for a ride.

Seminars that teach you online business have a system to convince you that everyone can do it. They show a woman who could hardly type and has a family to support in order to attract parents who want to make some quick cash and say she did it within 3 months in her spare time, in-between doing her daytime job, taking the kids from one activity to another, doing housework and oh, I almost forgot, a huge debt she was trying to pay. Or, they show you a group of teens without any capital who came up with a brilliant idea that became a hit overnight. Those events are like a magic show - you know there is a trick, but it is done so beautifully that you just accept it. You buy into the illusion.

What kills me every time is hearing the presenter say, "I'm a successful person and I'm here to teach you how to make money effortlessly, have lots of time off and have all the luxury you want". I especially hate the word "effortlessly". The harder life is for you, the louder you hear how effortlessly it can be done.

I always have the same question to those speakers - "If your system can make you a millionaire overnight, why would you spend your time sleeping away from your wife and kids, sleep in a different hotel every night for 200 days in a year to convince us, suckers, to buy your product? Why aren't you on the beach next to some amazingly blue water working an hour each day and drinking tequila? Isn't it because you are too busy running workshops?"

I never ask it out loud, because I know the answer. I have 30,000 readers a month because I understood that not everyone can do it. I certainly could not!

Overnight success

I swear to you I have tried. I spent hours studying the same course with Gal. The Internet marketing guru said to us, "You need $90 to buy a website and hosting and an hour a day. Everyone can do it." I sat 4 and sometimes 5 hours a day, watching videos, reading, summarizing and trying to implement, but pretty quickly, I realized that our Internet marketing guru's "overnight success" had taken about 8 years and the reason he was successful was that he sold Internet marketing products to aspiring Internet marketers. It was a closed market - people who were making money by convincing others they could make money using their own products. They even have affiliates that sell to the same people. It is like a feeding frenzy. There was so much dishonesty there (MLM, or "direct marketing", is the same).

My product was a coaching service. I did not want to tell my client they could make a fortune from my coaching, because it was just not true. Every time I watched Gal programming something, I freaked out. I wanted a business, not a course in HTML, PHP, CSS or any other strange acronym. I wanted to work with my clients, do my workshops and sell my books, not to sit in front of the computer all day long.

So many readers come to my site because I decided to give up trying to prove that everyone can do it by doing it myself. Instead, I focus on what I do best and allow the Internet marketer in the family to do what he does so well. Coaching and doing Internet marketing are two different skills and focusing on one leaves much less time for the other.

All my life coaching buddies wanted a website and spent months learning something that Gal did in 2 weeks. In the meantime, they neglected their life coaching practice and got nowhere in both areas.

The reason I feel uncomfortable when people ask, "How did you do it?" is because I did not do it, at least not on my own. Someone had to take my parenting advice, my books and my coaching services and publish them so that many people would actually get to see them.

My message to you is that the online world is big and keeps expanding. Yes, at some stage every business will have a site, even if only for presence. If you want a business online, if you want buyers online, if you want a website even just as an online brochure with your contact details, stick to what you do best and let those who know Internet marketing do the rest for you.

The same applies to any business service and even to family and parenting services, such as accounting, public relations, gardening, construction and architecture. In the same way you would not reinvent a smart phone and prefer to buy one that has been developed by experts, using expert services can produce better results (perhaps more expensive upfront, but cheaper over time) and allow you to concentrate on what you do well and enjoy doing.

You just have to let go of the illusion.

Life is much better this way.

Happy days,
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Make a list: Beliefs about Money
• Anybody Can Do It

I grew up in a very simple family, you could even say a struggling family, with 5 children, and most of us are in a very stable financial status. My dad, who worked very hard all his life and was the money manger it the house, taught us very well. My family is proof that you do not have to be rich to raise kids with a wealth mindset. I think that if my dad could do it, you can too.

Here are my parenting rule about money, saving, investing and raising children who know their way through financial management.

1. Teach your kids to love money, use money wisely and to manage money well - they will need those skills for a long time. First, you have to do it yourself. Kids who grow up in a family with money have better beliefs about money and use it differently to kids who grow up to a family that struggles financially.
2. Give kids pocket money as soon as they can count to 10 - learning to keep money is an important skill that can be taught very early and the longer your children have time to practice earning, saving, investing and spending, the better they will be at it.
3. Have a coin box in the house where all the coins go - it will teach kids to appreciate coins as something of value and demonstrate to them how little things accumulate over time. It will also show them how pooling resources can be useful where each person cannot manage alone.
4. Never ever give money rewards for success at school - the real reward for success is self-confidence. The desire to succeed and be good at something is internal, while payment is external and your kids will always do better in life by being internally motivated. If you want to celebrate successes, use the money to celebrate it by doing something fun rather than giving it as a prize.
5. Make sure your kids save some of their money - teach them the 10% rule, which will help them in life. Always spend 10% less than what you earn. It is not easy for kids to keep money, but money management includes earning, spending wisely and saving. No one can be financially stable without mastering all three of these. If this is not how you live yourself, make that a family project to begin with.
6. Show your children how to measure their income and expenses - teach them the simple rule "your standard of living is the difference between what comes in and what goes out" as early as possible in life. Kids can easily record their income and expenses in their school diary or on the computer and gradually learn about government fees (like a driver's license), insurance, utility bills, rent and so on.
7. Teach your kids always to have something to look forward to - help them set financial goals and find things they want to have or do that cost money. This will help them understand that money is a vehicle we use to achieve what we want in life and that having money without using it makes it worthless.
8. If your kids want something that is beyond their reach, use this as an opportunity for them to learn about borrowing, loans and interest. Help them out. Give them incentives to earn and save money and teach them to pay on time. When they are old enough, also tell them about leverage.
9. Teach your kids to shop around before purchasing anything - saving money by comparing deals (not just prices) is a very useful money management skill. Teach kids to compare apples with apples and develop their concept of "value for money". This includes focusing features, guaranties, service and suitability.
10. Eliminate brand name from your shopping list - kids are just kids and they are highly influenced by what their friends have, but if they want you to buy then something because their friends have it, they will get hooked on the most dangerous "drug" of our society. Make sure the brand name is not a reason to purchase something but the use and the quality of it.
11. Teach your kids the difference between an investment and an expense - the different between money that works for you and money the just goes away. Investment develops planning, patience and willingness to sacrifice something today to have much more tomorrow, all typical qualities of successful people.

I hope that reading some of these parenting "commandments" has helped you find the correlations between our parenting philosophy and the quality of upbringing out children receive. Having a parenting bible does not guarantee you will have a successful parenting experience, but it certainly is a good starting point that prevents you from re-inventing the wheel and second-guessing yourself endlessly.

Having a parenting philosophy is essential to good and successful parenting and making it into a bible with do and don't commandments will make it easier for you to focus. In this series, I shared with you my parenting bible at the request of a participant in one of my parenting workshops. I hope it has inspired you to write your own.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• Parents Doing Business
• Lifestyle of the rich and the famous

In their song Lifestyle of the Rich and the Famous, Good Charlotte sing about how celebrities complain all the time and say their life is hard, even though they have money, mansions and other things money can buy. By contrasting fame and fortune with living on the streets, this song reflects general public sentiment very well.

But it is not true.

If you have been anywhere near a TV set in the past few weeks, read any newspaper or even glanced at a magazine at the checkout line, you have seen them - Prince William and Kate Middleton. Their lives and upcoming wedding were covered from every angle and then, their wedding was covered in even more detail. Anyone who had anything to do with them at any time was interviewed ad nauseam and every bit was replayed over and over again.

We generally watch little television, but I happened to catch one of the programs on "Will and Kate", in which Prince William's life in college was covered, including a trip to Chile, where he roughed it out as a volunteer. There was footage of him first thing in the morning, barely awake, cooking porridge for everyone and narrating the whole thing, including the horrible taste of the porridge.

It clearly stood out from the program that Prince William was comfortable being famous and treated the film crew with respect. He was polite and composed and had a shy smile on his face most of the time.

When the program continued, someone from the media commented on how Kate started out being nice to journalists, but had grown impatient with them in the previous few weeks. That comment did not surprise me somehow. I had seen similar reports about many people who were new to celebrity.

I started to think that the main difference between Prince William and Kate is that Prince William was born a mega celebrity and simply grew into the role, whereas for Kate, being the subject of such a media frenzy was a new thing. I believe Kate was overwhelmed by what she was losing when she became a celebrity, while Prince William took it easy, because he had never had it and had lost nothing.

You see, when we sit in our humble home, surrounded by our family, after a day of normal work and school, we wish for the things we do not have, but we forget that everything has a price. We imagine the glamour, the glitz and the freedom afforded to those who have lots of money of fame, and we choose to ignore and downplay the things that go with them, such as super-high pressure, massive temptations and brutal invasion of privacy.

Being happy is not directly linked to the amount of money you have or to the number of people who recognize your face. Being happy is linked strongly to how kind you are to yourself and others (within your means) and how much people really care about you.

Money and fame can be vehicle to happiness. When used well, they can magnify everything you do. But in the incessant pursuit of money and fame, most people forget that they are only means and not the goal.

The real goal is happiness. It is everyone's real goal.

Ronit and I have been to many seminars on wealth creation, where we heard that in order to have a lot of money, you must love money. You must get excited by the thought of having piles and piles of it. And we were sitting there, thinking, "But we don't want money. We want to be happy. Money is just a magnifier of who we are and if we are money chasers, having money will just help us chase more money faster".

Because in life, you do not get what you want. You get what you focus on.

Would you rather have lots of money or a loving family?

Would you rather have a highly paid job, the industry's respect and long working hours or enough time to watch your kids grow and become wonderful people under your care and influence?

Would you rather come home to impeccable order and shiny new things or to a warm and lived-in place, where every item carries memories of precious events and people?

Would you rather eat lavishly with your boy- or girl-du-jour in the most expensive places to the sound of camera clicks and whispers of people who feel fortunate to be in your presence or have a quiet, romantic dinner with your childhood sweetheart at an affordable restaurant and whisper naughty things to each other because there is nobody hiding under your table with a recorder?

Would you rather live with people who want what you have and will do pretty much anything to get it or with people you can trust, who will drop everything and come to your aid when you need them?

Would you rather measure your self-worth by the amount of money they have, how often you are mentioned in the papers and the number of "friends" you have online or by the strength of your character and the happiness around you?

Ultimately, it is your choice. And you are making it every day. And what you say matters very little, because what you do always speaks louder.

As a parent, your kids will do what Prince William did. They will adapt.

They will notice your daily actions and your daily choices and believe them to be the best anyone can make. They will decide that if they want to be like Mommy and Daddy, they had better do the same. And they will start to put that into action right away, no matter what you say to them. Because what you do always speaks louder.

To really drive home the message that happiness is more important than anything else is, you must live this choice every day as a person and a parent. Your career, your home, your car, your habits and your behavior must reflect that choice.

Look around you slowly and deliberately and pay attention to the things that make you happy - familiar things that make you feel safe, toys and tools linked to pleasant memories and furniture that gives you a sense of belonging. Imagine the people in your life – your partner, your kids, your parents and your friends - and think of all the things they do for you - the smiles, the touches, the little services, the thoughtful presents, the special cards, the acceptance, the understanding, the support…

Are you smiling yet?

You just cannot buy these things with money or fame, can you?

Have a beautiful day,
Gal

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• More Control – Less Power
• Parents Doing Business

Which child has a better chance in life?

Ronit and I are reading a brilliant book called "Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking" by Malcolm Gladwell. In this book, there are many bits of amazing research, which we can all use to avoid trouble and get more goodness out of life.

In one experiment, participants were asked to walk through a long corridor, take a quick written test - finding meaningful sentences in mixed-up sets of words - and then walk back out. Each set of mixed-up words contained a reference to old age: old, Florida, retirement, etc. Each participant was captured on video as they walked in and as they walked out.

Everyone walked out more slowly and with their backs bent down lower than when they came in. They felt older. None of them knew why, but they had all been primed to think of old age.

In another experiment, two groups of black students were given college entry tests. The tests were identical, except for one question. One group was first asked to specify their race.

That group scored 50% lower on average. Fifty percent! When asked why they scored so low, the students said they were apparently not smart enough to be accepted and had no clue what had gone wrong.

Closer to home, two groups of students took a trivia test. Before the test, one group was asked to imagine what it would be like to be a college professor for 5 minutes. The other group was asked to imagine what it would be like to be a soccer hooligan.

The "professor" group scored 23% higher on the test, simply because they had put themselves in a different mindset.

So what does this mean for you as a parent?

A lot, actually.

You see, kids absorb many things subconsciously and accept them without questioning until it is too late. The color of their bedroom, the amount of space at home, the loudness or softness of your voice when you talk to them, having used or old clothes, how your back yard looks, the street you live on, the expressions you use when you talk about work or school - all of these leave their mark and contribute to your kids' priming for life.

Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are

Now, the subconscious mind works in mysterious ways and many things you might like to change in your kids' environment are beyond your control or your budget. That is quite all right, because with the right attitude, you can still accomplish a lot.

As you may know from this blog, Ronit and I place a very high value on our kids' schooling experience. When we first came to Brisbane, I realized the Department of Education must know which schools are the best, so I rang them.

Initially, the public officer on the phone was reluctant to recommend a school, so I said to him, "Look, we have deliberately not chosen where to live so we can be in the best 'catchment area' for our kids. This is very important to us. What would you do in my position?"

So he gave us the names of a few primary schools and a few high schools that had received high academic scores and suggested we go check them out. So we did.

We wanted big schools, so that our kids would have a good selection of quality extracurricular activities, particularly dance (for Eden) and music (for Tsoof). We also wanted them to have a wide choice of friends.

Having lived around the world and being immigrants ourselves, we also wanted a tolerant school, where diversity and creativity were more important than obeying the rules or even from getting good grades.

It took us about 3 days to visit all of the schools on our list, debate their strengths and weaknesses and enroll Eden and Tsoof. Not much of an effort, right?

Eden spent 3 more years at her high school, during which she made good friends, enjoyed studying and danced (you should see her move). Tsoof spent 4 years at his primary school and is now in his 5^th year at "Eden's" high school, where he is a Cultural Captain and spends most of his time playing music, singing or otherwise performing. Noff is now in her 5^th year at "Tsoof's" primary school, where she dances, sings, plays the flute and has an absolute ball with her friends.

All in all, our kids have already accumulated a little over 15 years of quality education, social interaction and enrichment from 3 days of effort and a different choice of where to live (which did not change our cost of living).

There are other things we have done to prime our kids for success:

• We have encouraged them to choose friends who share our family values, who will inspire them and support them in failure or success
• We have encouraged them to be polite and respectful and demonstrated these behaviors in the presence of other people, including their teachers
• We have spent time helping them with their assignments, so that they believe in delivering quality work
• We have encouraged them to be accepting towards other people, regardless of their culture, gender or preferences, and shown them how to do it through our many business associations and community activities

By choosing schools and behaviors according to our values, our 3 children have been (and still are being) primed for our definition of success: social, open, accepting, intelligent and self-motivated. You may have other things that are important to you, like being physically active, environmentally friendly or financially independent. Whatever they are, creating an environment for your kids in which these values are practiced and demonstrated daily will prime them for your definition of success.

Optimus adj. A Latin word meaning 'best' and used to refer to aristocrats and nobles

Prime n. A state or time of greatest strength, vigor, or success in a person's life and v. Prepare (someone) for a situation or task, typically by supplying them with relevant information

Kids are at the prime of their life and as parents, we must prime them optimally. Doing that means spending a lot less effort as they grow up, saving them many difficulties and setting them up for success.

Of course, that includes priming them to feel loved and supported. So work can wait and TV can wait. Spend some time thinking how to create a better environment for your kids starting now.

Happy parenting,
Gal

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• Beautiful Kids vs. Brutal Honesty
• Living in a Dress Rehearsal
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This chapter includes many tips to help the organization condemn, stop and prevent bullying. Each tip here can make a huge impact on someone's life and has the potential to stop the bullying cycle - victims feeling powerless and bullying others to regain their power, causing their victims to bully others to regain power and so on.

When I was 15, I had a very special teacher who supervised our school's student council. He was a very devoted teacher and we felt he really cared for us. One day, I asked him, "Reuben, why do you do this? Why do you work so hard to empower us?"

He said, "If I convince 5 of you to make a change and each of you convinces another 5 who will convince another 5 each, eventually, we will have a better world!"

I am spreading his words. If you are part of an organization, particularly in a leadership position, and you help condemn, stop and prevent bullying towards one person, you will make a difference in the lives of their partner, their children, their grand children, and their great-grand children for generations to come.

We need strong and courageous people to put a stop to this cycle. If we stop one bully and then one more bully, we can gradually change the world. I believe this with all my heart.

How to prevent workplace bullying

• When recruiting people, organizations can reduce bullying by not accepting bullies to work. Many years ago, research showed that people with high emotional intelligence are better workers, even when they lack knowledge (initially). When recruiting, especially for managers, examine their emotional intelligence, not just their knowledge and technical skills.
• When recruiting employees, prepare very clear job descriptions and clear and visible policies regarding holidays, sick leave, overtime, accidents, sick kids, doctor's appointments and work hours. Make sure job descriptions do not include punishments but they do include incentives for doing a good job and getting along well with the other employees.
• Have quarterly meetings with each of your employees and a procedure that allows them to give feedback and express concerns outside the review cycle.
• Give incentives to healthy workers. You can let your employees take their sick day allowance as a vacation, for example. This is better for you, because your will know and plan ahead when they are away and not have to find a replacement when they do not show up in the morning.
• Give money for extra working hours. When you pay your employees for their time, you are not putting pressure on them to work without reward. They can then choose how long to work and how much compensation to receive. Alternatively, have a "time in lieu" system that allows people to take personal time off instead of pretending to be sick when they need it.
• Plan a realistic work load. If there are 40 hours in a work week, but they include lunch breaks, short breaks, public holidays, sick leave, vacations and meetings, do not plan the workload for 40 hours a week. When Gal was a manger and had to give an estimate of how long his team would complete a task, he calculated how many productive hours each of them actually had. He discovered that on average, each of his team members could work 3 hours a day, so if a job would take 10 hours, instead of promising to deliver it in a day or two, Gal estimated it would take three to four days (including spares). Be realistic! Your employees do not really have 8 hours of productivity every day.
• Have good training for new workers. Have a proper job succession procedure where the person leaving spends time with the new worker to fill them in. New workers are targets for bullying because they can be fooled and tricked by using their lack of knowledge.
• Have a buddy system for new employees. When you hire a new employee, they are at risk of being bullied, because they lack local information and there is a chance their arrival may be considered a threat by some established veteran. Assign a buddy to help them adjust and learn their new work. Be very careful when choosing a buddy and find someone who will be a good protector and a good ambassador for your organization.
• Have professional and personal development training quarterly. Many organizations focus too much on professional development, which is very important, but cannot evolve without personal development. Employees are humans, so they need to manage themselves, their emotions, their finance, their relationships and their family life. When they do not manage those well, they are not as productive as they could be. Help yourself by helping them.
• Have a structured, confidential complaint system. It is very natural for every organization to have unhappy people. Instead of letting them build up into something serious, introduce a procedure to tackle misunderstandings when they happen. Rather than assigning blame and punishing wrongdoers, this system should seek to resolve issues and benefit everyone involved.
• Eliminate competition between workers. When people compete, you are at risk of starting a rivalry between people and putting pressure on them to perform at each other's expense. It is better to encourage teamwork than reward individual wins. In the best scenario, everyone works for the same team and what is good for the organization is good for everyone.
• Discuss deadlines with your employees. Deadlines can cause a lot of stress when the organization makes bad decisions and/or changes them often. I remember that Gal had to estimate how long a project would take and when he said it would take a week to complete, his boss would sometimes say, "We need it for tomorrow" and really expect it to be finished in 2 days. Remember, setting deadlines without consulting the person who actually needs to deliver the work is risky. If you have conflicts of expectations, ask your employee, "Why do you think it will take that long? What might slow you down? What needs to happen for you to complete it sooner? How can I help you complete it earlier?" As an employer or a boss, your main job is to help your employees do their jobs better, because their success is your success.
• Review managers' performance and behavior and limit their power. Power is tempting and not everyone can use the power given to them wisely. Without a monitoring system, managers and other people in power can start taking advantage of their power. Have proper review of every manger and include their employees' feedback in it. Much like at universities, where the students write an anonymous review on each lecturer, you should have an anonymous review on each of the managers, including yourself.
• When you need to remove an employee, do it properly. Do not make their life so hard they will quit. The time, effort and risk are not worth it. If you are worried about the termination payment, remember that unproductive workers who do not wish to be at work and feel threatened can do more damage than that even if they stay one more day.

A good workplace can make a huge difference in our community. At work, we have many people who will do all they can to gain some power when they feel weak. A good organization can eliminate bullying by building trust between members of the organization and contributing to the health and wellbeing of its workers. A happy worker gives good customer service, takes fewer "sickies", is more creative, is more committed, goes the extra mile and above all, goes home and provides their partners and children the confidence they need. This way, we will have fewer parent bullies and child bullies in our society.

Join me next week for the chapter on the scariest bully of all - the parent bully.

Until next week, stand up for justice and make a difference!
Ronit

You may want to read

• Bullying (21): How organizations can stop bullying
• Bullying (31): How to stop parent bullying
• Bullying (30): How to stop parent bullying

Bullying at work is a big problem in our society. In fact, many employees are abused regularly as part of their job description. The owner of the business, organization, farm or factory rules everyone and often bullies them on a regular basis. I take my hat off to those courageous people (past and present) who fight for justice and do all they can to prevent this bullying, because it is so widespread and "built in".

It is amazing how much bullying happens in a workplace like a school, a place that is supposed to be the main place for bullying fighters. One of my clients, let's call her Talia, is a lawyer by and a teacher of legal studies in a high school. Recently, she was bullied by another legal studies teacher. That older teacher probably felt threatened by having a young lawyer at her school and "lost it" when my client's students received higher scores on a legal study exam. She accused Talia of giving her students the answers for the exam, which was impossible, because the none of the teachers were present during the exam.

The staff room buzzed about it for a week with the older teacher claiming it was not allowed to give kids revision sheets before the exam (which is standard procedure at every school, of course). This escalated to the point where the older teacher entered my clients' class while the kids were creating a puppet show in a foreign language (it was not even a legal studies class), abused some of the kids and threw some of them outside the class because they were too noisy for her to do her grading in the staff room.

Talia seriously considered transferring to another school, although she loved her job, loved the kids and loved what she was teaching.

It was amazing how all the other teachers, fearing that older teacher, disappeared from sight when the issue was being examined by the deputy principal. My client wrote an official complaint that forced the system to sort the matter out to avoid escalating it to the Department of Education (never mess with lawyers).

When everything had settled, all of Talia's teacher friends came to say, "I couldn't say anything or I would get in trouble myself". We can see here a typical workplace bullying story with a bully, a victim and some bystanders, yet it is just a small example of workplace bullying and how the organization took no responsibility until it was forced to act.

Imagine how many good teachers transfer to another school because of one bully teacher who lacks emotional intelligence and feels weak and threatened at work or at home. In most of these stories, the bullying victim does not have enough self-confidence to stand up for what they believe in, like my client did, and it is the organization's responsibly to stop the bullying quickly and firmly.

The effects of bullying on the organization

As an organization, the first thing you must understand is that with every bullying incident in your workplace, you lose productivity and, as a result, money. It is in your best interest to stop it and as soon as possible. It may not be easy, but it is a must. In workplaces where there is bullying there are many problems that quickly affect the "bottom line".

If you hold a position of power in an organization, consider these expenses that result from bullying in your workplace:

• Extra sick leave, some directly to overcome emotional issues and some for emotionally-triggered physical issues. This means reduced productivity or increased costs when replacements are hired
• Working hours wasted on sorting out personal things
• Extra leave time taken
• More conflicts and less cooperation, producing worse results
• Loss of good workers
• High turnover, causing the loss of many training hours
• Salary increases to attract new trained and qualified workers
• Lower quality due to inability to focus on the work
• Lower productivity due to stress and lack of enthusiasm
• Higher rate of accidents, causing more expenses and risking lawsuits
• Increase in violence
• Increase in workplace/union disputes and claims
• Higher legal costs
• Damage to public image and reputation
• Loss of clients and business volume due to quality problems, bad service and negative perception

Some companies even close up because they are unable to manage their people properly.

Workplace bullying can be caused by individual factors and cultural factors. It is very important for every organization to understand those factors and address them as a matter of course.

Individual factors of workplace bullying

The people bullying have problems that make them feel weak. Understanding workplace bullies can help you greatly in tackling this issue. When recruiting people, organizations can reduce bullying by not hiring bullies.

Many years ago, researchers found that people with high emotional intelligence are better workers, even if their knowledge is not as good. When recruiting, especially managers, examine their emotional intelligence and not just their knowledge and technical skills.

Workplace bullies usually:

1. Lack confidence and feel insecure in their job/position
2. Have poor social skills
3. Do not recognize the difference between abuse and guidance
4. Feel threatened by losing their job and envy others' success
5. Do not have respect and empathy towards others
6. Want to achieve personal goals without compromise
7. Think it is OK to use their rank/position to force others to do things
8. Are not assertive
9. Lack leadership skills
10. Enjoy other people's pain

To assist in this, organizations should use psychological evaluations and conduct thorough character reference checks (again, particularly when recruiting new managers).

Cultural factors of workplace bullying

It is very important for every organization to understand that sometimes, they increase the bullying incidents in their workplace by creating and supporting a bullying culture. Often, such workplace cultures are there for historical reasons, but they always have a negative impact on the productivity of the organization.

Here is a list of ways in which your organization may be supporting a bullying environment. Reversing them will result in happy, cooperative and productive employees and contribute to the organizations success:

1. Strict, uncompromising deadlines that force workers to stay at work long hours
2. Giving mangers the power to do whatever they want as long as the work is done
3. Putting pressure on managers (knowing they will pass that pressure on to their department or team)
4. Setting unrealistic targets
5. Turning a blind eye to any type of bullying (verbal, social, emotional or physical)
6. Considering reports of bullying by bystanders as ratting
7. Threatening people with their job security
8. Having no system in place for complaints or requiring that complains always follow the "chain of command"
9. Being unclear about policies, procedures and job descriptions
10. Considering conflicts between workers as personal matters
11. Having little or no professional and personal training for staff
12. Scaring people into quitting to avoid having to pay severance
13. Creating a highly competitive workplace
14. Having no management feedback mechanism for employees to us
15. Restricting decision making to a small group of people who "run the show"
16. Encouraging authoritarian managing style
17. Use bullying to hide incompetence and criminal behavior - Gal and I had a friend who was a vet in a chicken factory. One day, he rejected a lot of chickens for being sick, which meant loss of money to the factory. After refusing "suggestions" to pass the chickens, his new car, which was parked just outside the factory, was scratched all over several times, until he quit.

Join me next week for the solutions organizations can put in place to prevent workplace bullying. If you are part of an organization, I am sure you will find many useful tips in that post.

Happy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Bullying (22): How organizations can stop bullying
• Bullying (31): How to stop parent bullying
• Bullying (30): How to stop parent bullying

Emotional Intelligence has become increasingly relevant for individuals, organizations and businesses since it was proven to help understand and assess people's behavior and performance. It serves as an important tool in areas like learning, management, motivation, interpersonal communication and productivity.

Although Emotional Intelligence became popular after the publication of Daniel Goleman's Book, "Emotional Intelligence", in 1995, it had been researched and developed during the 70's and 80's. It was psychologist Howard Gardner's book, "Frame of Mind", which gave birth to the concept of EQ (through Gardner's Theory of multiple intelligences).

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Peter Salovey and John Mayer defined EQ (Emotional Quotient) or EI (Emotional Intelligence) as being made up of 5 elements:

1. Self-awareness - Observing yourself and recognizing a feeling as it happens.
2. Managing emotions - Handling feelings so that they are appropriate, realizing what is behind a feeling and finding ways to handle fears and anxieties, anger and sadness.
3. Self motivation - Channeling emotions in the service of a goal, emotional self control, delaying gratification and stifling impulses.
4. Empathy - Sensitivity to others' feelings and concerns and taking their perspective, as well as appreciating the differences in how people feel about things.
5. Handling relationships - Managing emotions in others and social competence or social skills.

A simpler version of the EQ elements consists of 4 abilities:

1. Recognize our own feelings
2. Manage our own feelings including self motivation
3. Recognize the feelings of others
4. Help and support others with their feelings

EQ gurus argue that IQ (Intelligence Quotient, the traditional method of measuring intelligence) tests, have failed to predict success, while EQ tests are more accurate. They also argue that emphasizing cognitive skills does not contribute to people's well-being, while emphasizing EQ increases productivity, reduces stress for individuals and organizations, decreases conflict, improves relationships and understanding and increases stability, continuity and harmony.

Optimism is better than Knowledge

During the 80's, Martin Seligman researched optimism and its effects on people's performance. One of his greatest discoveries was presented in his research of insurance sales people. Seligman convinced an insurance company to hire people who passed the optimism test but failed their standard test. He compared their sales to those of sales people who were hired based on the standard tests alone. In the first year, Seligman's group sold 21% more than the other group did. In the second year, they sold 57% more! The conclusion of his research was that optimistic people handle rejection better than others.

The ability to handle rejection is a major factor in the success. Optimism and pessimism play a major role in determining the success of any interaction, especially when selling. Each type of personality defines failure in a different way. While optimistic sales people are able to separate rejection of their product from rejection of them as people, pessimistic sales people take rejection as criticism of their abilities, appearance or character and will face their next sale feeling hurt.

This works the same with taking risks. If you are pessimistic and equate failure to rejection, you are likely to take less risk in order to avoid failing and feeling rejected. If you are optimistic and view failure as a learning opportunity, you know you will get up the 8^th time, so you take more risk.

One great art that will help you get up again, whether you are facing a challenge or difficulty in your personal life or business, is the art of NEXTing.

I sometimes describe to my clients an imaginary button, which resets everything and refreshes them for the future. They learn to "press" this button and call out "NEXT!"

The Be Happy in LIFE coaching program develops EQ. I believe that emotional strength is essential to our development and growth. There are many aspects of EQ in our daily life and although we need other skills and abilities to handle challenges, the ability to handle rejection is a major one.

One of my business clients, let's call her Mary, has mastered the art of "NEXTing". Mary is the CEO of an international trade organization and in her job, she deals personally with many executives, mostly men, while juggling the chairman's criticism and "strange, unreasonable desires". When she started coaching, Mary experienced heavy stress and had frequent anxiety attacks, for which she was taking medication to survive her days at work. She loved her job very much, but spent most of her time either in conflict with the chairman, talking about it or thinking about it. Every meeting between Mary and the chairman lasted only minutes, but she kept them in her mind months later.

Mary's definition of failure was unhealthy for her, giving the chairman far more power than he had in reality. He was "able to control" her feelings during and outside of working hours just by thinking differently from her.

Mary came to me looking for a tool that would allow her the freedom to enjoy her work. She discovered the "NEXT!" button in one of her first sessions and a week later, she sent me this email:

I know it sounds strange, but I feel so different. I think people around me are different from last week...

Mary managed to handle most of the difficulties at work (and at home) using "NEXT!" While in the past, every arguments and unsuccessful sale added pressure to her work, she had learned how to assess the situation, take the learning and move on and her efficiency increased tremendously.

"NEXT!" is an important tool to achieve success. Using it increases emotional intelligence by creating optimism. It contributes to our ability to recognize our feelings, manage them, develop more acceptance and appreciation of others and improve our relationships.

NEXTing allows people to move on and shift their energy from lingering in the past to focusing on the future - a core ingredient of success.

Keep on moving,
Ronit

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I wanna be a billionaire so <beeping> bad
Buy all of the things I never had
I wanna be on the cover of Forbes magazine
Smiling next to Oprah and the Queen
Oh every time I close my eyes
I see my name in shining lights
A different city every night oh I swear
The world better prepare
For when I'm a billionaire

Call me a pest, but after hearing them sing it many (many) times, I thought it might be a good chance to bring up the topic of money.

Ronit and I believe that kids should be exposed to various topics at different ages simply because they are part of life. They may not "get it" every time, but they "get" a little bit more and develop their understanding over time. This way, they have fewer surprises when they become adults and have to take care of themselves.

The issue of money is no different.

We also believe that in life, we get what we focus on, which is a great reason to encourage kids to focus on being happy and using their money wisely, rather than just on becoming billionaires.

So I worked my way up, starting with 9-year-old Noff. I asked her, "Noff, if you really were a billionaire, what would you do?"

"Buy all of the things I never had", she said cheerfully.

"Like what?"

"A [Nintendo] DS", she said, "An iPod … oh, and a Wii … and Wii Fit".

"Actually, you won't", I said, "Because the reason you don't have them now isn't money. Being a billionaire doesn't mean our rules have changed. You don't have those things because Mom and I think you watch enough TV and play on the computer enough anyway and we prefer that you do other things with your time".

Noff let out a disappointed whine.

"What else?" I asked.

"Clothes. Lots of clothes. And SHOES", she said. Noff just loves shoes, which is why when we go shopping, we often refer to her as Imelda Marcos.

"OK, so let's say we go shopping with a billion dollars and buy you all those gadgets you wanted and lots of clothes and shoes. How much money will you have left?" I asked.

"I don't know", she said.

We worked out that if every piece of clothing and pair of shoes cost $100 on average, she would need less than $6,000 for everything she wanted.

"I also want to travel", she said, her face lighting up with the discovery.

"You could buy an open 'around the world' ticket for $50,000 and travel for a pretty long time. This will get your total to $56,000. Let me write that down for you next to a billion, so you can see how much is left", I said.

56,000

1,000,000,000

"I don't know what else to do", Noff admitted.

"Until now, you've only thought of yourself. Is there anything you want to get for anyone else?" I suggested.

"No, not really", she said.

"Not even for the people you love?"

"No. I don't know what they want", she said. Later on, she added travel for Eden too, which would have been generous, if she did not explain that Eden would be traveling with her, taking care of her and keeping her company…

Then, I asked 15-year-old Tsoof what he would do if he were a billionaire.

"I'll buy a big house", he said, "I want to have a music room that's the size of our house, so I need a bigger place".

"What will you do in that music room?"

"I'll compose and play my music. I'll buy all the instruments I need and all the equipment and software and make music", he said.

"So you'll spend your days in the music room, just playing your music?" I asked, "Sound kind of lonely and you might run out of money at some stage. Will you do any work at all?"

"Um, oh, I'll also record my music and sell it and participate in competitions and stuff to promote my career", he said, "And I'll perform it, too".

"So you'll be doing things that will bring you even more money", I said.

"Yeah", he said, "But I'll be able to just do the things I love".

"That's great", I said, "Combining your passion and having fun with creating a good income is a really smart way to live. This is what Mom and I are doing, you know. We love to help people and we love parenting and personal development, so we do these things for a living and have a great life that way".

Just in case you wondered, it was not always like that for me. I used to have a corporate IT job, which was interesting and paid well, but had no soul.

By that stage, we were taking a nice walk in a park and I mentioned the term "investment", explaining to the kids how to take someone else's money (most often, the money comes from a bank in the form of a loan), invest it and make it grow quickly. I wanted to make it clear to them, so I drew this:

"You take some of your money, say $20,000, and borrow $80,000 from the bank. Now, you buy a house for $100,000", I said.

"After a few years, your house has doubled in value. The bank still has the same amount, but how much money do you now have?"

"$120,000", Tsoof said.

"Which is how many times your original amount, Noff?"

After a bit of thinking and calculating, she said, "6 times!"

I was actually a bit surprised they got it, but all this talking made me come up with a few ideas I wanted to share with other parents (you, that is):

1. Dreaming about having a lot of money can help kids turn a vague concept into a detailed image of what it is like. Kids are very good with imagination, so this becomes a vivid experience for them, complete with pictures, sounds and feelings.
2. Imagining a wealthy life also brings up the issue of enjoying that life and the kids quickly realize that money is not happiness by itself and neither are things you can buy with it. Instead, money is just a way to get happiness, if you know what makes you happy.
3. There are 3 components to a rich and happy life: taking care of yourself, taking care of others and taking care of tomorrow. Kids are not very good at any of them, because they have little experience, but over time, they catch on well.
4. Taking care of yourself means staying healthy, safe and happy. It includes buying the goods and services you need, as well as the things that make you happy. It also includes doing what you love and being able to express yourself.
5. Taking care of others is what gives you purpose and keeps you motivated. It includes doing things that give others genuine value, being kind with your time and money and showing others the way to a good and happy life.
6. Taking care of tomorrow means having a source of income to enable your great life and contribution. It includes turning your passion into a business, protecting yourself for a rainy day and making your money work for you.
7. The main point in talking to your kids about money is NOT what you teach them. It is what you ask them. When they passively absorb information, that information fades quickly, but when they have to come up with answers, they engage in the learning and retain a lot more.
8. Also, you may have a different communication style from your kids and when you explain things, they may not quite grasp them, but when they need to figure things out to provide an answer, they must create their own understanding of the situation, making it much clearer.

I hope this helps.

May your kids be billionaires,
Gal

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