Be brave! Keep reading and look carefully at every photo, even though they are scary.

Skeletons

Having a child with Anorexia or any other eating disorder requires strong, brave parents who manage to help their child despite what others might say about them. The problem with Anorexia is that everyone can see it. Most kids do not do a very good job hiding it.

A couple of years ago, I worked with an anorexic woman who was 40 years old and weighed about 25kg (55lbs). Trust me, that was scary! It is not something you can hide very well. When I was in hospital with her, in the mental ward, there were other girls there and not all of them were teens. They looked like skeletons! But it is much harder to notice anorexia when it is developing and people often say, "She's just a bit skinny, that's all. She'll get over it".

Many people think they need to make the anorexic person eat more, but anorexia is a mental problem related to control and it does not go away when you eat more. In fact, taking over control and forcing a girl to eat might only make things worse.

The problem we have in our society is that most women and more and more men have some kind of eating disorder. The exposure to media that tells us how we need to look puts a lot of pressure on people's self-esteem and mental stability. When someone starts showing signs of anorexia, we tend to ignore them by saying, "Everyone these days is dying to be thin". I agree that everyone wants to be slim, but not everyone wants to die for it.

When I talked to the girls in the mental ward, none of them realized their anorexia might kill them. One of them was about 24 years old and the doctors told her she would never be able to have kids, because starvation had damaged her reproductive organs. She had a great explanation for it, "When the body is missing essential nutrients, it takes them from organs that are not vital and reproduction is not vital". She was in hospital for over 4 month and her mother and father did not come to see her even once because of the shame. When we talked, she sounded as if life had been sucked out of her - no joy, no smiles, no motivation, no hope.

Spending a month there with my client, I felt that the joy, the smiles and the motivation were seeping out of me, fast. I was happy to go home in the evenings.

Yet, when I took the group of them, including one in a wheelchair, because she could not stand on her feet, to the nearby shopping center for supplies and lunch, they all behaved like little kids in a toy store. I spent the whole day trying to convince the ward it would be healthy for them to go out, see people, breathe fresh air and want things to buy, because wanting is a very important factor in healing, especially wanting to live. Sometimes I could swear the hospital was making it worse. If your daughter develops anorexia, you should do everything you can to make sure she is never hospitalized.

Much like in many health problems, early diagnosis is vital to good recovery. A person with anorexia will try to hide it, but if you establish good relationships with your kids and you see them getting dressed sometimes, it will be easy to notice that something has changed. Anorexia is a way to cope with a problem and it gives the person temporary relief. If you pay attention to your children's physical and behavioral changes, you will notice that something is wrong easily and quickly. It may not mean your child is anorexic, but it is something you need to pay attention to. In Special Education, we say that we need to see enough "red lights" to confirm a diagnosis and I think this is also a wise way of reacting to anorexia. But when you see enough red lights, it is time to seek help.

Anorexia warning signs

Here is a list of anorexia warning signs. Since every person is different, they come in different combinations, but when you know your kids well, you will spot them.

• Obsessively counting calories and being very rigid about what they eat
• Skipping meals
• Fasting without medical guidance
• Swapping meals with fluids
• Avoiding particular foods for no health reason
• Taking vomiting tablets
• Taking laxatives - you can see they go to the toilet immediately after meals, so listen to check if they vomit too
• Sudden interest in "healthy eating"
• Not wanting to eat food they used to like
• Constantly claiming they have eaten already - it is OK from time to time, but when it becomes a habit, something is wrong
• Talking about food as "good" or "bad"
• Avoiding social gatherings where food is served or, if they have to go, saying, "I am allergic/sensitive to..." or "I have eaten already" when you know it is not true
• Excessive or compulsive exercise - some people love to exercise and there is nothing wrong with it, but being obsessive about it is not healthy. Obsession can be exercising no matter what or showing distress when not being able to exercise
• Being obsessed with diets - developing a sudden interest in weight-loss programs, websites and recipes, showing extreme interest in celebrities' shapes and diets, eating slowly, eating with teaspoon and cutting food into tiny pieces
• Generally, obsessive behavior is a sign there is some disorder. When people insist on eating at a specific time, having the same rituals, drinking from a certain cup or sitting in a specific place, it is a sign of obsessive behavior. Eating disorders are obsessive behaviors related to food. Changes shake their world. Even if it does not seem major, pay attention and address it when it starts
• Avoiding social activities and not enjoying things they used to enjoy before
• Never being hungry
• Lying about what they have eaten - anorexics are not all sophisticated. For example, you can tell when they bring back their lunch box full. One of my clients discovered many sandwiches behind her son's bed, which he had thrown at the end of the day so she would not know he had not eaten them
• Sudden weight loss or a change of clothing style to wearing big clothes and long sleeves so no one would notice the loss of weight. Look at their hands and legs. If you think they look like a skeleton, something might be wrong
• Feeling cold most of the time - a lack of nutrients affects our ability to keep ourselves warm
• Not having a regular period - it is very important for every mother to know when her daughter gets her period so that when something has changed, she will notice. Remember, reproduction is not vital. If your daughter wakes up in ten years and says, "Oh, I want to have kids now", it may be too late
• Feeling tired most of the time and not being able to perform regular activities
• Fainting or feeling dizzy
• Lots of complaining about being overweight. It is good when kids complain about their problems, so you should be very happy when they complain, because you know what they are facing and you can help them. However, when the complaint seems unrealistic and does not stop no matter what you do, it is a bad sign
• Anxiety around mealtime and general moodiness and irritability - these are usually signs that something is bothering them and it is much like the complaining
• Expressing feelings of "out of control" - remember, eating disorders are actually control problems. It is your daughter's way of gaining control over her life. Help her regain a sense of control. Give her choices, even create opportunities to choose and let her know she is in control of her life
• Expressing feelings of shame, unworthiness and guilt - generally, these are not healthy feelings. They may not be signs of anorexia, but it is one of those "red lights" that we need to pay attention to, particularly when others are "turned on"

Anorexia is typically a problem among women, although there are more and more cases of boys with anorexia. Pay attention to your boys the same way you pay attention to your girls.

Anorexia can develop from social triggers, chemical imbalances and other reasons, but so can other thing. If your child is showing the signs above, maybe they are developing anorexia and maybe not, but whatever the problem, early intervention is always better than having to convince a 40-year-old weighing 25kg to eat.

Be brave! Read the signs!

Happy and healthy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Anorexia: Model Parenting
• Stories: Fact or Fiction?
• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.

To a great extent, this also affects parents of teenagers, who are being encouraged to consider every little friction and identity-building exercise on the teen's part as part of their overall negative attitude to adults and authority.

Yesterday evening, however, Channel Ten in Australia showed a piece titled "Teen Trouble?" in which a mother and her 3 wonderful teenagers were interviewed, having gone through Ronit's coaching programs. Ronit was also interviewed as a parenting expert with some tips on how to get along well with teenage children and build strong relationships with them.

Irene Thompson and her lovely kids are a great example of how well and how quickly the Be Happy in LIFEparenting workshops and teen coaching programs work.

Here is the video  for your viewing pleasure:

The next parenting workshop open to the public in Brisbane will be on the 30^th of October and bookings are available for groups and organizations anywhere in Australia and around the world.

Love your teens and see them blossom,
Gal

You may want to read

• More Control – Less Power
• Questions, Questions
• Put a Little Love in Your Heart

One of my clients had an angry teenager at home until recently. Olivia was only 12 years old and very, very, very angry. Her mom, Nancy, who was trapped by the "teenage problems" belief, did nothing for a while. All her friends said it was normal ("You know, teens these days..."), so she just waited for the teenage years to pass and prepared herself for when her two younger kids would go through it too.

But then Nancy met another client of mine who told her, "It doesn't have to be like that. You should go and see Ronit". So she came to one of my parenting workshops. After the workshop, she had some hope that maybe it was not normal for "teenagers these days" to be so angry and that maybe she could help her daughter relax.

Shortly after, Nancy told me, "There was something you said to me during the parenting workshop that made a huge shift with my daughter. I was convinced all teenagers were the same, but I realized that I could help my daughter if I only changed some of the things I was doing myself. It really worked!"

Olivia had been seeing a psychologist for a while, trying to make a big decision, but without any results. After the parenting workshop, Nancy went to the psychologist and asked her to try one of my strategies. It took only one session for Olivia to make her mind up and Nancy came to see me, hoping she could make more changes in her teen daughter's attitude and life.

Parents these days...

To me, "teenagers these days..." is usually related to "parents these days...", so I asked Nancy some questions about what was happening in their home.

Olivia was not very social girl and had some problems at school. She was constantly angry and grumpy. She came from school and went straight to her room. Her family members had to knock on her door and "invite" her to dinner. She went to sleep between midnight and 2am, got up around 7am in a foul mood, went to school angry and came back angry. This cycle was endless. This is roughly how our conversation went.

Ronit: Why does she go to sleep so late?

Nancy: She watches TV and she spends time on Facebook

Ronit: Why does she have TV in her room?

Nancy (puzzled, smiles back at me): All our kids have TVs in their rooms

Ronit: What will happen if you take the TV out of her room?

Nancy: She will use her computer for Facebook chats and watch YouTube videos

Ronit: How come she has Facebook? It's not legal under the age of 13 to have Facebook account. She had to lie to open an account, did you know that?

Nancy: We know, because we opened the account for her. All the kids in her class have Facebook accounts and she had social problems, so we didn't want her to feel different

Ronit: Why does she have a computer in her room?

Nancy (puzzled, smiles back at me): All our kids have computers in their rooms. (At this stage, she felt a bit uncomfortable) I thought kids nowadays all have their own computers. What about your kids?

Ronit: Oh, my kids don't have any electrical appliances in their rooms - no TV, no radio, no computer and no phone

Nancy was surprised. She knows a lot about my kids and is very surprised to hear that.

Ronit: What happens if you take the computer out of her room too?

Nancy: We can't... She will watch YouTube clips and chat on her iPhone

Ronit: Why on Earth would a 12-year-old who goes to school, where mobile phones are not allowed, is picked up from school and taken to everyone by her mother (the taxi driver) need an iPhone?

Nancy: So she doesn't feel different. All the kids have iPhones

Ronit: Not all kids have them. My kids don't and the younger one doesn't have any kind of mobile phone

Nancy (smiles): I can't believe it. Don't they feel different?

Ronit: They do and they know they are different. This is why no one thinks they are angry teenagers. What happens if you take her iPhone at night before she goes to sleep?

Nancy stops for a second. She has never thought this was an option.

Ronit: Who pays for Olivia's iPhone?

Nancy: We do...

Now I have a question for you. If parents do everything to make sure their kids are not different from the rest of the angry teenagers around them, how much do you think they contribute to "teenagers these days..."?

Nancy and I discussed other things too, but a major one, which I would like to present to day, was sleep.

Teenagers and sleep deprivation

Every person, regardless of age, who sleeps 5 hours at night, wakes up grumpy, confused and disoriented. They do not have to be teenagers to be angry. Take sleep away from any person for more than 3 days and you will have a typical teen - grumpy, moody, angry, agitated and grossly overreacting.

Research done by sleep experts discovered that lack of sufficient sleep puts teenagers at risk of cognitive and emotional difficulties, poor concentration, poor memory, low academic achievements and a significant increase in accidents.

A research at the University of Minnesota studied over 7,000 teenagers and found out there were more incidents of depression and ADHD among teenagers who did not sleep enough.

Further studies about teenagers and sleep discovered that, starting around the beginning of puberty and continuing into their early 20s, teenagers need about 9.2 hours of sleep each night, compared with the 7.5-8 hours that adults need.

Teenagers these days are exposed to a lot more stimulation than we were in the past just before they go to sleep. If we have the stimulation easily available, it is not fair to ask them to reject it, especially when all the other kids get it too.

Many parents think they are doing their kids a favor when they supply them with all the new gadgets and make it easy for them to access them, when in fact, kids have very little time each day to make good use of all those gadgets, so they sacrifice their essential sleep.

Nancy went home and talked to her husband. They decided together what to do and told their kids about the new rules in the house to make sure Olivia gets enough sleep. The other kids were happy, but Olivia was not. She was upset and cried.

A week later, she stopped being one of those angry teenagers and having "teenage problems"...

How to stop being the parents of angry teenagers

• Do not allow a TV set in their room
• Do not allow a computer in their room
• Do not allow mobile phones in their room
• Stop them using the computer at least 2 hours before bedtime (this is a good tip for everyone, because the light from the monitor disturbs the function of the sleeping hormone)
• Make sure they sleep at least 9 hours every night
• Do not allow any after-school activities that go past sleep time on nights before school (typically Sunday to Thursday)
• It is harder to relax and sleep when the mind is pre-occupied with homework, so make homework a priority, but do not allow doing homework through the night, except in extreme cases. Staying up late slows everything down and causes delays in subsequent assignments
• Limit teenagers' evenings work and encourage weekend and holiday jobs
• Limit Facebook activity (you may have to use security programs to monitor and/or limit Internet use)
• Teach your kids some time management skills. If they plan all their activities, they will find out easily when they are wasting time

If you want your teenager not to be "one of those teenagers...", make sure you are not one of those parents...

Have a good night's sleep,
Ronit

You may want to read

• TV Diet (15): Routine
• TV Diet (8): How Much TV is Too Much?
• Don’t eat and run

Teens mostly want you to get off their back, actually. Grownups pump them with their own frustrated teenage experiences and turn them into the black sheep of our society.

When parents ask me that, I usually ask back, "What did you want from your parents as a teenager?" For some unknown reason, most people cannot recall what they wanted from their own parents. It is as if they forgot how they behaved as soon as they became parents.

At first, I t thought it was the passing years that faded parents' memories, but the more I think about it, the more I believe it is a form of denial - a kind of selective memory. Every time I hear parents say, "Teens today are worse than the teens in the past", I show them research, which found out parents today think about their kids and teens exactly what their parents thought about them 25-30 years earlier. Exactly the same!

This means that today's parents did not know what they wanted when they were teens, which is why they have no clue what their kids want now.

Still, it is a very good question.

Working with teenagers, I have had many reminders of what teens really want. I have written some of the answers in my book Be Special Be yourself for Teenagers, but today, I want to tell you about another discovery I have made.

I read this story about King Arthur and the witch and thought that although it talks about women, it is actually relevant to teens and humans in general.

What teens want, just like any woman and any man, is to be in charge of their own life. There is some arrogance in parents' attempts to control their teens. Yes, they make stupid choices, but no stupider than a 9-year-old or a 27-year-old makes. Making mistakes is the best way to learn and controlling their life means they will not to be able to choose by themselves and that life will be chosen for them.

It is hard for parents to let go of this control when their babies grow up and start making up their own minds. But, much like the witch in the story, their ugly side shows as a sign of being controlled.

Happy parenting teens!
Ronit

You may want to read

• More Control – Less Power
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Decision Techniques
• Kids’ Declaration of Independence: Teaching about Choice

My brother Tsoof is going into his final year of high school this year and needs to pick a direction for next year. This is a tough topic and often times when we cannot seem to choose, we do nothing. A friend of mine is also experiencing something similar and even I have a story of my own, so I want to share these with you. This is something that has taken me a little while to grasp and now, the knowledge has served me well. Maybe you will glean some insight and be able to pass it on to your kids too.

If there is one thing I used to worry about often, it was making the wrong decision. As you may know from previous posts, there is no such thing as a wrong decision. At any given time, we make the best choice available to us. It is only in hindsight that we can say whether the decision was right or wrong, good or bad. More importantly, indecision is often what holds us back, because not deciding is the same as choosing to keep things as they are.

So what we need to do is to "just keep swimming" (just like Dory told Marlin when he was looking for Nemo). We need to make a decision and follow wherever the path may lead us. Along the way, we can adjust, alter, shift, and change, but doing nothing can be worse than picking the "wrong" path.

There is a perfect quote about this:

When one door closes, another opens, but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us
- Alexander Graham Bell

Let's start with the story of my friend Susan. Susan was an exceptionally bright student in high school and graduated with very high grades. As is normal in our neck of the woods, she went straight into university and chose a course that she was good at but did not necessarily like. About half way through the course, she failed some subjects. She was pretty upset and decided to change her course of studies.

Susan went to other faculties at the university and inquired about other courses. So far, so good. Once she had looked at all of the courses that took her fancy, she decided to take some time to look through the information before she made her decision. So she took a couple of weeks. The due date arrived for applications, but she continued to think and consider. The due date for late applications arrived, but she still continued to think. Finally, the deadline for penalized late applications arrived and she still did not apply.

So she decided to do nothing. She increased her hours at her casual retail job and decided to wait for the applications for next semester. When that date arrived, she … continued to think … and think … and think. And that date passed too, but still, she thinks! So now, she works casually, and thinks, and waits.

But what if she had picked something else? Anything! At least, it would have gotten her up and moving. Along the way, she might have discovered she liked mathematics, or art, or engineering. Or she might have discovered she did not like modern art, but she LOVED classical art. All she needed to do was to pick a direction and get moving. Along the way, she would have been free to change her mind. But while she sits at home and waits, nothing in her environment changes. She will continue to ponder, but no new ideas will come.

Let's move on to a slightly brighter story.

I graduated high school with good grades too and at quite a young age. At the time, I could not get into university straight away and I had to wait a while. So I decided to do … nothing.

And do you know where that got me?

Nowhere!

So about two years into my doing nothing and getting nowhere, my grandmother passed away. I took this rather hard, but my clever mom decided it was time for me to "just keep swimming", to put one foot in front of the other and get my little behind in motion. She handed me a pamphlet for TAFE (vocational college) and said, "Eden, sign up to do a Diploma in Event Management. You will be good at it and you will like it. Maybe it will open some doors".

I was a bit late, enrolments had already closed and classes had started two days before, but I thought, "Why not?" So I signed up (of course, this conversation was a little longer and slightly more emotional, but you get the picture).

I have to admit, I did not love the course. I knew most of the stuff intuitively and after some very stimulating high school subjects, the material was mediocre at best. But, just that one decision really got me going. I made friends, I volunteered at a few places, I went to various events and once again, I got good grades. And from there, the possibilities were endless.

After I got my diploma, I started working for a festival and doing the things I had learned in the event management course.

But I also decided to change my path later. I decided to move on from event management and try my hand at my life-long dream of becoming a psychologist. My path allowed me to see what I loved and what I was good at.

And now that I am a university student, I can refine my choices even more. I have decided that not only do I love psychology, but that my field is going to be Social Psychology.

See? All you have to do is "just keep swimming". Make a choice and keep moving.

Now, for the best story of all.

My amazingly talented "little" brother Tsoof (he is way taller than I am already) has been doing a whole lot of different things relating to music for over 10 years. He sings, dances, composes original music and plays percussion and guitar. You name it, he does it. He goes to an amazing school that allows him to do (almost) all the things he loves at the same time.

But next year, Tsoof will be going to university and he will not be able to do all the things he is doing now. His choices were percussion, composition and performance. Well, we went down to the university to ask what he could do in order to keep doing all the things he wanted to do, but, whaddayaknow, he cannot do them all. He has to pick one. So he deliberated, and thought, and pondered, until finally, we sat down to have a conversation. And what did we tell him?

Just keep swimming

Whatever he picks, it will be "right", because it will get him moving. If he decides to start with composition, he may love it and decide that is it for him. That he doesn't want to study any more. Or he may finish that and decide to play/study percussion for a while. It is all good. Any option is better than doing nothing.

One last little story just to recap.

I was reading a book, in which the author told a story about a company he had reviewed. The employees were given the option to choose any one of 20 retirement (superannuation/401K) funds. The employees were so confused by the large number of options before them that they did … you guessed it … nothing. And they missed out on LOADS of money. Had they picked one of the funds, even if they put them all in a hat and drew a random one out, they would have made heaps more money than by doing nothing.

Moral of the story: any direction is better than no direction at all.

[I would just like to make a note here: sometimes, people do pick what we would all consider a "wrong" direction. Kids might decide to join a gang, a drug ring or a violent group. By no stretch of the imagination is this what I mean when I say "any". I am talking about finding the things that give us an inkling they may interest us, and then giving them a chance to lead us to something great.]

The point of all this is that it does not matter if you do not know where you are going. Just keep going in SOME direction, because then, opportunities and ideas will present themselves as you go along, whereas if you stay standing in one place, nothing around you will change and you will just get stuck.

This is something that I struggled with for a little while. I am very fortunate to have been told this information at one point and it has been valuable to me. Keeping this in mind is one of the things that has really propelled me forward in the last couple of years. So share it with your kids or teens or even young adult children. You are most welcome to use the information yourself as well. I promise you will reap rewards.

Happy swimming,
Eden

You may want to read

• From the Life Coaching Deck (5): Making Money Addiction
• The art of Excellence (3): Risk, success and happiness
• The art of Excellence (2): Fighting poverty

Last month, our son Tsoof had his birthday party. Tsoof is 15 years old, but most of his friends are 16 or 17 and some of them have already started driving. When they come in the door, Tsoof's friends always say they have been waiting for the party since the last one, because they always have a great time dressing up, playing games, singing and dancing.

This year, when he gave his friends invitations to his party one girl asked him, "Will you have drinks at your party?"

Tsoof gave her a funny look and said, "No".

"Can I bring drinks to your party?" she kept asking.

Tsoof said, "No".

"Well, can I come drunk then?" she asked.

Tsoof said, "No".

When he talked to another friend of his, the friend said this girl had called him a couple of times when she was drunk, so she did not ask it as a joke. They giggled at the idea of letting her come drunk and embarrass herself, but were too kind to actually do it.

Kids' drinking at parties is a very sensitive topic in our family. Our 21-year-old daughter did not want to have a party for a while, because her friends only drank and did silly things. She was so upset that she refused to have a party at home for years. When I talked to other parents, I found out that in most of the parties, although the law prohibits this, the hosting parents provide the drinks for the party and they do not see anything wrong with it, saying, "We are here to supervise and make sure they drink responsibly".

Generally, Tsoof's friends were great kids. Most of them are very committed performing arts students and athletes who dedicate hours every week to developing their skills (and when I say "hours", I mean some of them practice and perform 8 hours a day on average). Most of them receive awards at school and they are really great kids.

Whenever I hear people talk about how horrible teens are, I say to myself, "Everyone who has had the chance to meet these kids personally would never ever say things like that about teens anymore, because they are living examples of the opposite - caring, respectful, dedicated, determined, focused, friendly, talented and smart".

Tsoof told us about the drinking question and it disturbed us. We wondered if we thought of them as great kids just because they were young and if when the got older they would lose this greatness and submit to social pressures.

Saturday night arrived and we set the living room up with palm leaves to make it suitable for Tsoof's Jamaican party. There were many balloons around and I wondered whether balloons were appropriate for a teen party.

At 6 o'clock, the teens started appearing one by one. It was wonderful to see that most of them were dressed with Jamaican outfits or hats. Tsoof told them to bring their swimming gear and we heated our spa, just in case they wanted to go in, and most of them did. A couple of the boys made a cardboard bobsled for Tsoof, labeled "Cool Runnings".

For about an hour, the kids played games, ate pizza and danced. From the kitchen, we could hear them singing at the top of their lungs (many of them are singers in the choir) and dancing.

One of the Tsoof's friends brought two teenage boys from another city he was hosting for a sports competition. Those kids did not know anyone and we went to talk to them about their visit. One of them came straight to us, shook our hand and introduced himself with inspiring confidence. The other one told us he would stick to eating fruits and vegetables (and avoid all the snacks and candy), because he had a competition the following day, and Gal and I were very impressed with his discipline.

About an hour later, the party moved outside around the spa. The teens took turns and had about 10 people in the water, talking excitedly, laughing and giggling. The rest were on the balcony, playing guitar and singing.

About an hour later, some girls came out of the spa shivering, so I thought maybe I could offer them something hot to drink. "Maybe coffee", I thought to myself, "No, they're kids. I'm not sure they drink coffee. Tea? Yes, tea is not a bad idea, but hot chocolate will be best".

So I asked them, "Would you like some hot chocolate?"

The two girls who got dressed and were a bit cold (naturally, after you get out of a hot spa, it is colder outside) were very excited. They said, "Yes, Please!" and asked if there was anything they could do to help.

In a few minutes, I made about 12 cups of hot chocolate and gave them to the teens that came out of the spa. I thought the boys might consider hot chocolate too childish or girly, but they just thanked me, drank the warmth and sweetness and returned the empty cups with a smile, licking their lips.

For another hour, they went back to dancing and singing and played some hilariously funny games. At 10pm, they started leaving. Some of them gave Gal and me a hug and by 11pm, the last one was picked up.

Now, I can say that at my son's party, there certainly was teen drinking. We had a group of 16-year-olds drinking hot chocolate!

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Video Games Violence (3): Parenting
• Video Games Violence (2): Video-game-inspired real violence
• Video Games Violence (1): Shock and Awe

One of the most common reasons my age-mates have suggested is that they clash very strongly with one (or both) of their parents. They are sick of being bossed around and they just need space and freedom. When this happens, I find they don't always make the best decisions. They are so intent on running as far away as they can that they don't realize where they are going.

Sometimes they make off with some would-be drug dealer or with a complete idiot, because "anything is better than home". Like many people out there, when they hit 40, they realize they made a terrible mistake.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

When I was quite young (maybe 4 or 5 years old), my mom told me that one day I would have a family of my own and live in a house of my own. And I said to her, "Mom, don't be silly, I'm always going to live at home with you and Dad".

Of course, now I know it's true that one day I will leave home. The thought is quite scary and it might not happen anytime soon, but it surely will one day. One of the things I always promised myself is that until I had something wonderful to go to, a life I wanted to start, I wouldn't leave.

I am about 8 centimeters taller than my mother is and I still ask her to reach for things that I'm not tall enough to get. Last semester, when things didn't quite work out the way I wanted with my university timetable, I told my mom about it nearly 10 times throughout the week, even though she really couldn't do anything about it.

Sometimes, when I need help with my homework, I ask my dad for help, even though he was never in the lesson and might not have heard of whatever I am talking about. Or when the computer doesn't work the way I want it to or I just deleted my entire assignment, I turn to my dad for help even though I know that sometimes nothing can be done.

Even my siblings are a source of comfort and strength for me. What would I do without Tsoof's constant jokes and endless variety of sounds? Or how could I be without Noff and her bubbly stories and adventures.

I love my family and I really couldn't imagine my life without them. And I believe that when you take that huge step of leaving home, it needs to be for the right reasons. It needs to be because you have something fantastic to go to, something that is pulling you towards it rather than a horrible family that is pushing you away.

I am able to make this decision because my family is amazing. They are always there for me - when I am sad, happy, frustrated or whatever. Sometimes, they are in my business. Sometimes, they are in my way. But they are always my comfort zone, my network.

I would love to take credit for being the perfect child, but I must admit that my parents have together created this home for me where I feel loved and where I can be myself.

So be that source of love for your children, so that when they take that huge step, they pick the right boy or the right girl to spend the rest of their lives with, so that they move out when they can afford it and when they are ready. Be there for them so that if they ever need help, they will come to you. Then you can rest assured that they are really making the best decisions for themselves and that you will always be part of their lives.

Happy parenting,
Ede

You may want to read

• Crazy, Stupid, Love
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Boiled Frog

Monica said she came home from a meeting in time to organize dinner for the family and then rush out again to another meeting. She told her girls that all they needed was to wash up afterwards. While she was on her way out, her eldest teen said, "Why do we have to do it? What have you been doing all day? You're just going out to be with your friends".

Of course, I have no children of my own just yet, but I have heard this before. Back in the day, it even came out of my own mouth once or twice…

Janet said her eldest was constantly questioning her actions too and that her standard reply was that she did not need to justify herself or her actions.

I beg to differ.

What I think my colleagues misunderstood that this is not criticism at all and they do not need to justify anything. All they have to do is answer the question. It is just their teens' way of saying they were feeling left out of the action, because their mothers did not tell them where they were going and it was hard for them after having a full day themselves. They are curious to know what their mothers have been doing at work so that they can learn what is supposed to happen in life. Maybe someday it will happen to them.

Sure, it is annoying when you come home from a long day at work and your children say, "Why do I have to do the dishes? What have you been doing all day?" You feel tired and unappreciated and their comment now adds angry on top of all that. But remember that they are just telling you they have had a hard day too and they are curious to know what you have been doing. They do not really know what you have been doing at work or at home or wherever you have been. Their imagination can probably extend as far as you having the exact same day as they have had.

When I came home from a long day of school, I used to be pretty tired, so when I walked through the door and my mom asked me to make dinner or a salad, I said, "Why do I have to do it? What have you done all day?"

Instead of making a big deal out of it, my mom just told me about her day. She had not slept well, she had made breakfast, dropped the kids at school, had two clients back-to-back, her computer was still getting repaired, the printer was not working, she had three workshops in the coming week, one of the kids was sick and had to be picked up, another one had to be picked up at 4 and then I had to be picked up at 5, it was now 6 and she had 45 minutes to eat, because she has a client at 7.

By the second sentence, the salad was well underway, because she shared her day with me. I knew she had not just been letting me do all the hard work while she sipped margaritas by the pool.

So sometimes, us kids need reassurance that you have been working just as hard as we have been (harder, most likely). We want to know what you have been doing in your job so that when we grow up, we can be just like you.

So just answer the question. I promise this will help you come out on top every time and have the loveliest teens ever.

Happy parenting,
Eden

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• More Control – Less Power
• Lost in Translation

During the workshops, we discuss many of our beliefs and how they affect our kids' behavior and I hear myself saying to parents again and again that the image teens have is worse than their behavior. Teens are considered emotional, insensitive, subject to peer pressure, disrespectful, irresponsible and moody, but what they have is just a bad reputation!

I am lucky enough to have two great teens at home (one is already an ex-teen) and I had the honor and pleasure to meet many other teens who did not fit that horrible image.

I do not think it is a coincidence that all those teens have parents who are able to see beyond their hair color, their hairstyle, their piercing, their desire to be with friends, their rebellious behavior and their academic achievements. It is not a coincidence at all. It is a formula that works. If you can see beyond what is on the surface, you will raise happy teens and you will be a happy parent.

If you can see that the hair color and style are a desire to be unique

If you can recognize that piercing is a desire to be accepted

If you can accept that the desire to be with friends is a quest for love

If you can understand that rebellious behavior is the beginning of independence

If you can acknowledge that your teens' academic achievements are but a mirror of their self confidence

Then you will be a great parent for your teens

- Ronit Baras

You know, it is also not a coincidence that kids who grow up in a family that rejects this negative teen reputation are advocates for teens. Meet Tsoof and Eden Baras, my teen and ex-teen who decided to give their point of view on adults' insensible view on teens.

Last month, I was very proud when Eden and Tsoof wrote a song that expresses that understanding. Tsoof, our 14-year-old son, wrote the music and lyrics with help from Eden, our 21-year-old daughter.

I will put the words here, because they speak for themselves.

You can hear Tsoof singing it here:

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

I could not have never said it better myself.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Make a list: Beliefs about Kids cont.
• More Control – Less Power
• Wisdom from the School of Life

Yet, the more Eden grew, the more I realized that for my parents, my teen years had been years of reason, success and happiness. While other parents had talked about their kids turning into monsters during their teen years, my parents had found joy parenting me for the first time in, because I had finally done well socially and academically.

This thought made me dedicate a big chunk of my education career to teens and even today, I often deal with parenting teens in my parenting workshops. I even wrote a book for parents, educators and teenagers to bust the myth of "those obnoxious teens".

As kids grow, parents must grow with them. As their interaction with the "outside" world broadens, our task of supporting them broadens too. This is not an easy task, although not because of them, but because of us.

A research on parents' attitude done over 30 years checked what parents thought about their teens'. 30 years later, it checked what those teens, who by then had grown and become parents themselves, thought about their own teenagers. Surprise, surprise! The research said that the parents of 30 years ago and the parents of today rate their teens misbehaving attitude exactly the same (OK, maybe no surprise).

When I read this research, I said to myself that we are totally trapped. Whatever I say about my teens today, they will say about their kids in 30 years, so you know what? It does not have to be a bad trap. I think I like trapping my teens in my positive attitude…

I asked our Top Parenting Bloggers what they think about parenting teens. Some of them are parents of teens, other are not yet, but it is interesting to read what they think.

What are your thoughts about parenting teens?

Ria Sharon - My Mommy Manual I don't have teens! But I know I will be turning to the many resources I have when I start to address "teen" issues.

Richard "RJ" Jaramillo - Single Dad It has its own special moments... It's a different skill set. More Listening, less talking and a lot of support and letting them know you are always there for them.

Sue Scheff - Sue Scheff Blog I think parenting today has become more challenging than generations before. Even today, compared to when I raised my kids, the electronics has changed the world of parenting. Bullying has escalated to cyberbullying. Texting has grown to sexting. Teens are less respectful to adults and parents more today than I have ever noticed. Kids today have a sense of entitlement, and I believe parents need to try to get control back. It doesn't help that in today's generation we have many more single parent homes and the stress of finances has forced many households to have both parents working full time. All of this goes toward making parenting teens extremely challenging, as they need guidance more today than years earlier.

Susan Heim - Susan Heim on Parenting Don't take their behavior too personally. When they roll their eyes at you and don't want to be around you, that's a good sign that they're developmentally normal! Set limits but don't be overly strict. Trust them, unless they give you a reason not to. Check in with them even when it seems they don't want you around. Don't lecture; discuss. Pick your timing for discussions, such as in the car. Show an interest in what they like. Don't lecture. Listen as much as you talk. When you say no, explain why.

Annie Fox, M.Ed. - From the desk of Annie Fox My whole website it about that! Simply put (though it's not simple at all!), teens are in transition and parents need to respect the changes they're going through. Talk less and listen more. Here are ten tips for improving parent teen relationships. Remember you are the parent - Your job is to protect your child and prepare him/her to become a fully functioning adult. Being a leader and a compassionate teacher is more important than being your teen's friend. Remain calm - Nothing gets resolved when stress makes it impossible to think clearly. Can't respond rationally? Then take a break until you can. Talk less and listen more - Just like the rest of us, teens want to be respected and heard. Be a "safe" and available person to talk to. It's a balancing act - A key challenge in parenting teens is to remain emotionally connected while granting your kids more privacy and autonomy. They're always watching - Want your teen to be trustworthy, responsible, and compassionate? Make sure you're modeling those values in your own life. Make your expectations clear and be consistent with your follow-through - If kids know the consequences ahead of time and they've bought into the rules of the house, they're more likely to make healthy choices. Catch your teen in the act of doing something right - Praise shows that you noticed their efforts. It also promotes a feeling of competency. Be real - Father/mother does NOT always know best. Admit your own confusion and mistakes. Apologize when appropriate. Show your kids that just like them, you too are also "a work in progress." Regularly create time to enjoy being a family - Having regular meals together and relaxing, unplugged from digital technology, is a gift with long-lasting benefits. Lighten up! - Humor is a great de-stressor. Remember, no one stays a teen (or the parent of a teen) forever! (From: http://www.anniefox.com/parents/parent_teen_relationships.html)

Maria Melo - Conversations with Moms Since my children are 5 and 1, right now, the only word in my mind is "scary". I just hope I'm ready for it.

Annie - PhD in Parenting I'll take another five or so years to think about that! Other than the fact that I think it is important to be very open with them about sex and sexuality, I don't have any preconceived notions of parenting a teen.

Ronit Baras - Family Matters I think parenting teens is the same as parenting a 2-year-old, a 6-year-old or a 10-year-old - all of them are new and keep changing, and when you do it the first time, there is some trial and error. There is nothing magical about the teen years and there is no clock in the brain that says, "I'm teen today, so let me start acting nasty". I don't believe in the hormonal excuse grownups have made up to justify their fear of their kids becoming more and more independent. I think teens have a bad image and parents fulfill their own prophecy through their behavior. Teens are wonderful and interesting and understanding and creative and if you treat them so, they will behave so. I have wonderful teens (two of them) and I think they are wonderful because I think they are wonderful… It is an awesome cycle and I suggest every parent of teens get trapped in it right away. I have worked with many teens and I have thought they were inspiring, thoughtful, responsible - every parent's dream. It is the grownups' mindset that needs to be changed, not the teens'. Just relax, smile and pay attention.

Many thanks to the Top Parenting Bloggers: Maria, RJ, Annie Fox, Susan, Annie, Ria and Sue for sharing their thoughts about parenting teens.

Join us next week's Top Parenting Bloggers discussion about keeping kids healthy. Kids' health is probably an issue all parents deal with and it will be great to get tips and suggestions from the experts.

As the next week is the last week of The Top Parenting Bloggers Discussion, I wanted to encourage you to add questions to the discussion that you would like answered. You can post them in the comment box below as suggestions for discussion.

If you wish to know more about the bloggers who take part in this project or contact any of them, please visit their blogs, follow them on Twitter and/or become their fan on Facebook. Alternatively, you can send them a question or comment through the comment box below.

Happy parenting teens,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Role Model
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Love
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Who’s in Charge?