I have clients who are perfectionists and they know they are perfectionists. They have been to some form of counseling or have seen psychologists and they claim that things have become worse since they discovered their perfectionism. The label "Perfectionist" has allowed them to justify their behavior and that has increased the friction in their relationships even more.

Most of them came for life coaching when they reached rock bottom in their relationship due to their high demands when their wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, friends, work colleagues or even boss said, "Get lost!" and kicked them out of the relationship or left them.

In the previous post on perfectionism, I wrote about ways to assess whether you or your children are perfectionists. In this chapter, I will give you some tips to help perfectionists. If you want to use them to help a child, remember that your goal is to plant those thoughts into your child's mind or create circumstances that will help them overcome the fear that is associated with things not happening exactly the way they want them to.

1. When they finish a puzzle, a block tower, a Lego building or anything that can be reassembled, make fun of wrecking it. It helps kids learn that Mom and Dad are not mad at them for it.
2. Allow your kids to make a mess. You can have a place for mess - a sandpit outside, a table for finger painting. Let your kids play with their food. do you know how much fun it is to eat Jelly with your fingers? If you are worried, have a plastic sheet underneath the mess. Remember, everything can be wiped or washed in the dishwasher or washing machine, so is not worth fussing about it. If you cannot handle the mess, let someone else do it at first, and get involved gradually.
3. When you need to be on time at school, a meeting or an appointment, be prepared and plan your time well. Do not talk about being late as the end of the world. If you are in panic mode when you are late, that gives your kids the message they must not be late and makes them fussy about being late and demanding towards others who are late. If you are going to be late, take a deep breath, let the other party know and just be there as quickly as you can.
4. Encourage kids to be involved in activities that are not competitive and are not graded or judged. Choose activities in which they are measured on progress relative to themselves or by working in a team and achieving something together. Better yet, choose activities that are all about fun, like going to the pool, exploring nature or playing at the playground.
5. Give kids challenges without comparing them to others. If you are travelling to France and you give your child the task of finding 10 things you can do in Paris, it is a challenge, but the child cannot fail and there is nobody to compare with.
6. Avoid using the word "should" like the plague. This gives a message that there is a right and a wrong way to say, do and be, and perfectionist children (and adults) add it to their vocabulary and fear every time they say, do, think or believe in something they "shouldn't". The word "should" implies there are some external, absolute standards they must obey, when the world is really about personal preferences.
7. For the same reason, avoid using the words "have to", "need to", "ought to" and "must". Instead, use "maybe you can", "how about", "can I suggest" or "it might be better to".
8. Teach your kids to start conversations with others. Go over "conversation starters" with them. A good way to start a conversation is by asking questions like "How was your holiday?", "What did you do on the weekend?", "I watched Harry Potter 7 on the weekend. Have you seen it?", "It's so hot today", "It's freezing cold today" and even "Would you like to play?"
   The main idea is to find something you have in common with the person you start the conversation with and invite them into the conversation in a kind way. It is scary but possible.
   I gave a group of kids at a leadership camp the task to gather personal information about others in the group (that they had met for first time) or the leaders of the camp so they could use it to start conversations with them. It is amazing how quickly you can teach kids to work up the courage to do it. It was easier for me because they did it in a group, everyone knew everyone else was having the same challenge and everybody could say, "Ronit told us". It might take you longer than two days, but it is possible.
9. Change the order of the furniture in the house from time to time. Make it sound like you are exploring different ways of positioning things. Ask the perfectionist child for their opinion to make it easy to manage the change. Get them to help move things around themselves too.
10. Create monitored surprises. Perfectionists do not like surprises, so work with them on it. First, tell them you want to make them a surprise a week before the surprise day. When things work well, tell them 5 days before, and slowly reduce the time to telling them a day before and eventually, surprise them totally. Gradual adjustment is the key.
11. Play the game of "Three funny mistakes". At dinnertime, every member of the family tells the rest of the family, in turn (do not start with the perfectionist), about three mistakes they have made during the day as a funny story.
12. Share your weaknesses with your children so that they learn it is safe to have them. Most perfectionists have suffered from exposing their weaknesses and therefore choose to hide them. They need to believe this will never be used by others to humiliate them. Make sure no one in the family makes fun of them or bullies them for their weaknesses - it will only make them hide these more and prevents you from knowing there is an issue that needs to be addressed.
13. When in competition, talk to your children about the losing kid or the losing team to make them realize that the losers have feelings too. Help them see that in most competitions, there are many more losers than winners, which makes them part of the majority.
14. When your kids express expectations that are too high (of themselves or of others), help them realize that it is not realistic. Ask, "Do you know someone who gets perfect scores on all of their exams?", "Do you think it's possible to always, always, always be on time?" Emphasize the words "perfect", "all" and "always" to help them recognize they expect the impossible.
15. Put their accomplishments on display. Make a diary of accomplishments for them to use if they have doubts about their successes. Teach them to measure small achievements like making dinner, helping their siblings or meeting a challenge, successes that are self-rated or that requires kindness and not being perfect (we call them "emotional stretches").
16. Help them express their feelings or attach a feeling to their successes and challenges. Teach them to rate their emotions. When they say, "I feel like a failure", ask, "On a scale of 1-10, how much?" At first, they will say 10, but after a while, they will understand they do not really feel the same and start noticing the difference in their feeling, which will help them recognize the fear that triggers their perfectionism.
17. Agree on a signal with your child that tells them they are being perfectionists and could relax their expectations a bit.
18. Celebrate with your children 90% or 80% scores on their exams, so they will not think that you expect them to score 100%.
19. When you use behavioral management, do not use 100% as a point when they get a reward. If they need to clean the room, it does not have to be spotless for the room to be considered clean.
20. Teach your kids to enjoy the process. If they are frustrated with achievements, help them realize they have achieved a lot on the way. 3 years ago, Tsoof participated in a competition that he had spent a lot of time practicing seriously for. He and his teachers were very frustrated he did not win anything in the competition, because all of them thought he played much better than those who won. In the week following the competition, we focused on how much better he was playing the marimba after two months of practice as the real achievement, which made it easier for him to move on.

Competitions, scores and awards are stepping-stones on the long and exciting journey of life

I hope these tips will help you help your perfectionist child and if you need the help yourself, translate them into adult vocabulary and your own circumstances and make perfectionism a period in your life, not a lifestyle.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Perfect Child: Is your kid a perfectionist?
• More Control – Less Power
• Living in a Dress Rehearsal

As a life coach promoting happiness, I find myself talking a lot about perfectionism as an obstacle on the way to a happy life. After researching the science of happiness and seeing thousands of clients, including many parents and children, I can tell you that happiness and perfectionism cannot live in the same body. They are like the good and the bad wolves living in your body and when you feed one, the other one starves.

The problem with perfectionism is not only that perfectionists are not happy but also that those who are close to them are not happy either because of it.

Many grownup perfectionists started out as perfectionist kids. In my kids' assessments, I can tell if a child has a tendency towards perfectionism from age 3. Most people believe this cannot be helped. Some kids are born perfectionists and that is that, but I think this attitude makes our life much harder, because repeating this mantra guarantees there is nothing we can do about it.

Much like any other "disease", perfectionism can be cured and the best time to do it is during early childhood, before the child develops strong behavior patterns that are hard to change.

I also believe that the best people to cure child perfectionism are parents, because their love for their child will help them overcome the resistance.

The origin of perfectionism is fear. Perfectionists have a strong need to control life around them for some reason. Anything they, or other people, do that threatens that stability or control increases the fear and therefore increases the perfectionism.

Many parents react badly to a child who shows rigid thinking and reacts badly to changes. Unfortunately, that increases the fear and does not give a child the stability he or she is aching for. It is a cycle of bad reactions that helps nobody.

For parents to help, they need to be convinced that this behavior is going to be a huge obstacle to their child's good health and wellbeing, their relationships and their success in life.

If the parents are perfectionists themselves, they tend not to see the problem at all. Unfortunately, if this is the case, there is no cure. Perfectionist parents must first heal themselves before helping a child overcome perfectionism. After all, to cure perfectionism, there must be a desire to change.

Parents need to find if the child's behavior is a form of perfectionism, so I have compiled this list to help with that. If you want to assess yourself first, this will be very helpful for you too. To assess yourself, though, you need courage and honesty.

Please remember that for a person to be considered a perfectionist, he or she does not need to exhibit all of the behaviors on the list and does not have to exhibit them all the time, only most of them and more than once or twice.

Here is a list of perfectionist behaviors:

1. Perfectionists have high standards for themselves and others. They have high expectations, which are often unreasonable or impossible to achieve.
2. Perfectionists pay attention to details. This can be a good thing, but sometimes, after all the important things are covered, they keep focusing on little things.
3. Perfectionists have an "all or nothing" mentality. If they cannot do things perfectly, they do not see any point in doing them at all. Many times, people say they have lots of potential, which is true, but if they think they might not be able to achieve their high standard, they do not try.
4. Perfectionists procrastinate a lot, which goes together with their high expectations. If they think they will not be able to achieve something, they postpone doing it.
5. Perfectionists experience lots of anxiety. Their desire for things to follow their expectations is so high that anything that does not follow it creates anxiety.
6. Perfectionists are afraid to make mistakes, which contributes very much to their anxiety and avoidance.
7. Perfectionists have challenges with their relationships. They are very demanding, their behavior makes people avoid their company and in most of their relationships, the blame others and complain.
8. Perfectionists are highly competitive and constantly compare themselves to others. They define themselves in comparison to others. Not every competitive person is a perfectionist, so match this with other items on the list.
9. Perfectionists seem very unhappy and dissatisfied when good results, good scores and even very good achievements are not good enough. Since they are not perfect, they are no good.
10. Perfectionists are very critical.
11. Perfectionists show some compulsive behaviors, as they prefer things to be organized, predictable and stable. They need life around them to be consistent and adopt a lifestyle that consists of many routines.
12. Perfectionists do not take risks. Risks cannot be predicted by definition and they avoid doing things they cannot predict.
13. Perfectionists mainly focus on problems, difficulties and mistakes of themselves and others.
14. Perfectionists do a lot to hide their weakness. If someone knows something about a weakness they have, it is a sign for them they are not perfect, which they find hard to accept. They will hide it by having many justifications for their behavior and attitude.
15. Although perfectionists may tell others about their mistakes, they do not like it when others tell them about their mistakes and are very sensitive to criticism.
16. Perfectionists find it hard to be in the moment. Their mind is so future-oriented they find it hard to stop and enjoy the present.
17. Perfectionists are prone to depression.
18. Perfectionists consider love as conditional, so they find it hard to feel loved and often find it hard to express love.
19. Perfectionists consider their self-worth a result of their achievements. If the achievement is good, it is not enough. For them to be worthy, they need to be extremely high achievers.
20. Perfectionists consider things to be "right" or "wrong". They expect others to think the same and if they do not, they will invest a lot of energy to convince the others their way is the right way.
21. Because they have the "my way or the highway" mindset, they can often be seen as self-centered as they expect and demand those around them to fit in with their way of thinking.

Use this list as an assessment tool and measure the intensity of each behavior. Remember that the sooner you discover something, the sooner you can heal it.

Join me next time for how to help perfectionist kids.

Calm and happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• The Perfect Child: How to help perfectionist kids
• More Control – Less Power
• Living in a Dress Rehearsal

From the parents' perspective, "Me too" can be very annoying, because kids sometimes ask for really inappropriate things, but for children learn about the world by observing and mimicking others, so there is nothing more natural and healthy than wanting what the others have or trying to do what the others are doing.

In our family, 10-year-old Noff is much younger than Tsoof (16) and Eden (23), so when she wants something they have, they used to get upset, until they got used to it.

When she was little, we often tried to respect her choice of food, so we asked her what she wanted to eat, gave her some options and helped her prepare the food she liked. But often, when she sat at the table, she saw that Eden had something else to eat and seemed to be enjoying it very much. Noff would promptly forget she ever wanted anything else and ask Eden to share.

"Eden, can I have some mango too", she would say.

"But you said you wanted cereal", Eden would complain, "I brought enough mango for me, because you wanted something else".

"Yes, but now I want mango too", Noff explained, as if that was the most obvious an innocent thing in the world. And for her, it was.

For kids, the appeal of things and activities is related more to the people who have them or do them than to what they are. Without the benefit of experience, they do not have enough knowledge or perspective to decide what they may or may not enjoy in the future, so their best bet is to go with the choices of those they trust, like their parents, older siblings and friends.

Ronit and I learned this over the years, so by the time Noff came around, we started using it to our advantage (and hers, of course). At the start of the year, when Noff picked her afternoon activities, we would ask her, "Who else is doing this?" If any of her close friends signed up for an activity she liked, she was going to enjoy it for sure, but if she wanted to sign up for something weird, that question would quickly bring up the real reason and help Noff give up without a fight.

Sometimes, "Me too" works really well, too. A couple of years ago, Noff's best friend Paige learned ice-skating every Thursday afternoon. Her mother said she could take Noff from school, drive the girls to their ice-skating class, then back to Paige's house, and we could pick her up from there. This was great for us, but we were unsure as to Noff's reasons, so we agreed to try for one term and then rethink it.

Initially, Noff's main focus was on spending as much time as she could with Paige. Since Paige had been skating for a while, Noff started in a lower group and they could only skate together during the "free skating time" in-between lessons. But this drove Noff to make a big effort to catch up, which she eventually did.

After almost a year, Paige decided to stop, but by then, Noff had turned ice-skating into her own thing and wanted to keep going. She desperately looked for someone who could take her to lessons and keep her company, until one day, she saw an ad for a free trial day and convinced Eden to give it a go.

Eden tried and said, "Me too". They have been getting up early every Saturday morning for a year, going together to Ice Skating, coming back full of stories and looking for more opportunities to skate.

As you can see, kids' mimicry can help them experience more in life and propel them forward. But what happens when a child's role models all go through something rather negative, like getting glasses?

This happened to us recently. In the past few years, I have gotten a few pairs of glasses, but in the past few months, Ronit had her eyes checked and got new glasses, Eden complained about poor vision, had her eyes checked and got new glasses, and Tsoof went for his annual checkup and ... got new glasses.

As if that was not enough, Eden started reading Harry Potter with Noff every evening. We all love to read and Noff seemed apprehensive of long books with no pictures, so this was a great way to ease her into reading them. Every evening, they sit side-by-side, eyes bright, and read the book.

And guess what: Harry Potter wears glasses too!

Noff could not take it anymore. She was being left way behind the family. Something just had to be done, but what?

She grabbed a pair of 3D cinema glasses, took out the lenses and put them on proudly. She walked around the house smugly, posing and beaming at anyone who would look at her, and even took some pictures of herself.

In fact, she was so excited about her clever way to experience glasses without having bad eyes that the following day, she took them to school with her. Although she did not wear them in class (that must have felt a bit too stupid), she did put them on during the musical rehearsal in the afternoon and said everyone thought she looked cool.

That lasted all of 2 days, but Noff gained a lot of experience from it and put to rest her feeling of being left out. At some point, she had satisfied the "Me too" urge, put the glasses down and went about her business.

Ah, the fun of raising children.

Happy parenting,
Gal

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I have been heavily involved in diversity education for years, helping teachers, parents and students learn to accept the differences among people rather than being afraid of those who are different from them. I write programs, run activities and deliver presentations to help them recognize that even behind a person who seems very different there is a human being just like them.

Last month, I saw with my own eyes how this lesson could be taught without lesson plans, without intention, just by letting circumstances unfold and allowing kids to observe.

It was Sunday and our Diversity Tent at the Queensland Multicultural Festival was full of children doing arts and crafts. My daughter Eden (22) came to help me set up early in the morning. When the volunteer who promised to come and help did not show up, my 10-year-old daughter Noff also spent the day with us, helping kids her age and younger draw and paint. We wrote the kids' names in different languages and they were all very happy and excited to see their names written differently.

About half way through the day, a 12-year-old boy came and sat at one of the tables. A gorgeous little girl, who was about 4 years old, wandered over to him and climbed onto one of the seats. The little girl was teeny tiny and did not have any hair. She had a tube taped to her nose with a band-aid. She wrote her name, Joelle, on one of the bookmarks. She was beautiful and it was obvious she was sick and had come straight from hospital for a day of fun at the festival. Everyone looked at her with sadness, feeling a bit uncomfortable. Her brother, who sat next to her, looked up from his coloring and said, "I'm Ashton and this is my sister. She has cancer".

Bam!

Kids are amazing.

Everyone at the stall, both parents and kids, had been looking at her, not sure how to react to her sitting next to their kids with a tube up her nose and no hair and her brother just said it simply, with no reservations and no fluff. We all thanked him silently for doing this.

At some point, another girl, who looked a little younger than the brother, came and joined in with the coloring. A woman called out their names and took some photos.

The little sick girl, Joelle, decided to do our "Friends holding hands" activity. We gave her a cutout of 5 people holding hands to color in. She only colored in 4.

Eden asked her if she did not want to color in the last one and she said, "No. This one is for my other mommy, but my other mommy was sick in her brain and she died".

Our hearts dropped.

"Do you have a new mom?" I asked, wondering if maybe the woman who had taken photos of the kids was the "new mommy", but she said, "No".

At some stage, her brother ran off to find their Dad and then came back to announce that they were going to get ice cream and that Joelle should hurry up and finish. She told him she did not want to go, because she wanted to finish her drawing. When the boy ran off again, Joelle told Eden she wanted ice cream, but she wanted to finish her drawing first. Eden, who was helping at their table, said to her, "We can look after your drawing. You can go have some ice cream and we'll keep it for you until you get back".

She smiled back happily and said, "That would be good. I really want to finish my drawing, but I also want to have ice cream".

When they came back with their ice cream, her dad, who was a good-looking man, sat down next to them as they continued drawing and stroked Joelle's head.

"You have gorgeous kids", Eden said to him.

"Yes, they are. This one's just missing some hair", he smiled.

Eden asked him, "Is she getting better?"

"She's almost there. She needs one more surgery and then 3 months of chemotherapy and she'll be fine", her dad said.

They were an amazing family. The kids were running around from one activity to another and the father looked like he was carrying a bit of burden. Other kids in the tent watched them carefully. Behind the bald head and nose tube, there was a little girl, just like them.

She finished her drawing and I asked her if she wanted to take it with her or paste it on our life-sized wood figures. She decided to paste it on the wood figures. Her dad helped her find an empty spot and she put her work there with a smile on her face, 4 of the 5 figures colored in and a blank one for her mom.

She smiled, said, "Thank You", and skipped away with her dad.

I whispered "Thank you!" towards the little girl for inspiring all the children and parents at the tent and for giving them a real lesson in acceptance.

Kids rock,
Ronit

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Noff's school has a special unit for children with various disabilities. These kids spend much of their time in "normal" classrooms and go to the special unit for additional support, specific exercise and maybe a little bit to get out of classroom competition.

At the same time, the school includes these special students in every extracurricular activity - choirs, school plays, instrumentals bands and even dance troupes. We are amazed and moved to tears watching the little brave souls get up on stage with walking frames or in electric wheelchairs during concerts and performances and pour their heart out, their faces beaming with joy.

Some time ago, I picked Noff up from school and she said that one of the special education teachers had approached her and a few other girls for a secret mission. She said, "She wanted us to help one of the girls without telling anyone about it. She said the girl needed someone to help her get from the special unit to class and back and someone else to protect her in the playground from bullies".

"Wow", I said, "Are you proud she picked you?"

"Yeah!" she beamed at me, "And straight away, I asked her if it was Kelly [not her real name] and she looked surprised, but I know it's hard for her to walk all the way to the special unit and back with all her stuff and I know some kids are picking on her".

So Noff was assigned to help Kelly with her bag and "stuff", a couple of girls took turns helping her in class and a couple of big girls became her playground guards, protecting her from anyone trying to put her down and reporting any incident to the teacher.

"But we're all her friends, so we all agreed, of course", Noff said cheerfully, "And we all said we would play with her too, because she's fun".

During the next couple of days, Noff and the rest of the crew did their jobs faithfully and found great games they could play with Kelly. They developed group jokes and secret signals and felt very responsible and helpful.

One day, I saw her putting on her swimming gear in the morning, although I knew her swimming lesson was only two hours later. When I asked her about it, she said, "I don't have time to get dressed. I need to go to the pool earlier and help Kelly, so she can be ready by the time everyone else gets there".

But the next day, Noff looked sad.

"What happened?" I asked.

"My two best friends aren't in the group that's helping Kelly and they're upset with me for going off and not playing with them. I want to tell them what's going on, but I can't. I promised to keep it a secret".

"Aren't they also Kelly's friends?" I asked, "I thought you all played together anyway".

"We used to, but since they weren't invited by the Special Ed teacher, whenever I leave the class to go an help Kelly, they ask me where I'm going and I can't tell them. I don't like it. They're my friends too and they're angry with me now".

"Maybe the teacher will let you tell them", I suggested, "They probably know she needs help like you did".

So the next day, it was all sorted. Noff talked to the teacher, her best friends joined the happy playgroup and since one of them is also quite big, that helps to make them bully-proof. They all see it as a labor of love, they share their time based on their commitments and they manage to make it fun for everyone, so that Kelly feels as much like everyone else as possible.

Last week, Ronit was away and the big kids were on vacation, so Noff and I got to have breakfast just the two of us. One day, she brought up the topic of keeping a secret from her friends again.

"I don't want to lie to my friends", she said, "It felt really bad keeping a secret from them, especially when I knew they could be part of the team".

"I'm glad you feel that way", I said, "The truth is really important to me and I always think that having to hide your thoughts from others complicates things. Actually, the truth may be hard to tell, but it is often the best approach to the situation".

"So how can I keep something from my friends without having to lie to them?"

"Well, you can tell them something more general that's true, but doesn't contain the information you're supposed to keep secret. For example, if they ask you where you're going, you can say, 'I'm going to help a teacher'. It's true, but you haven't revealed too much".

"What if they keep asking questions, like, 'What teacher?'"

"Then you can repeat the same information in another way and use the tone of giving an obvious answer, like, 'Some teacher needed some help and asked me to help her. I'll be back soon'. This may be enough for them to think that the details are not important and/or that they can't get any more out of you".

"I don't know if I can do this. It still feels like I'm not telling them and they'll still be mad", Noff said.

"In that case, you can tell them the truth. Say, 'I can't tell you about it, because I promised to keep it a secret. Sorry'. You haven't revealed anything, you've only told the truth and your friends may realize you were being trustworthy, which is good".

Noff made a face.

"Well, you can make it sound funny. You can put on a mysterious expression, speak in a mysterious tone and say, 'It's ... a ... secret?'"

"Dad, these are all great suggestions, but I still don't like hiding stuff from my friends", she said.

"In that case, all I can say is that you're a very good friend and that you've handled the situation brilliantly from start to finish. Now, Kelly has lots of girls to play with, your best friends are on the team and the teacher knows what a great helper you are. It's the best anyone could expect".

"Thanks, Dad", she seemed relieved, "Let's go to school".

Happy parenting,
Gal

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Trish came to my life coaching deck with her partner. Ben, her partner and the father of their child, had said she needed help but he had no idea how to get it. Trish had not contacted me, had not completed the session preparations and had not even talked to me before coming, so this was an unusual session.

Trish was a beautiful young woman. Her hair was tied back and she looked tired, as if she had spent weeks crying. She was 27 years old and was preparing for her wedding. She had a one-year-old boy, a great job and ... a demon.

"Hi, Trish. Thank you for coming. What brings you here?" I asked.

She looked at Ben and started crying. I gave her the tissue box and waited. She tried very hard to stop. Every time she started saying something, tears started again and she choked. Ben held her hand and whispered, "You can do it". She looked at him and looked at me for a while before she finally started telling me her story.

After her son was born, memories of a childhood trauma had come to life. In-between sobs, she said, "At first, I thought it was a dream, but then I realized I see the same scene over and over again even when I'm awake".

"Can you please tell me what you see?" I asked.

"It is very vague... I think it had something to do with my dad... I can see myself at the age of 6 or 7 playing with another girl... She was my neighbor and we played a lot together. I think someone did something to both of us... I can see my dad screaming and having a fight with her dad... I think my dad raped both of us", she managed to say.

"Do you remember your dad doing something to you?" I asked.

"No", she said.

I asked many questions and joined some pieces of this puzzle. At the age of 7, Trish's mother left her father. Trish and her 14-year-old sister Kelly went to live with their mom and her 12-year-old brother Sean stayed with their dad. "I miss Sean a lot", Trish said.

"Wow, it's been 20 years since then. When was the last time you've seen your brother?" I asked and she started crying. Ben held her hand and after a long silence, he said, "She hasn't seen him since". Trish never knew why her mom had decided to leave her dad. Her mom had re-married, divorced and never kept contact with her son or her ex-husband, so both the girls did not know where he was. "When we asked Mom, she said that with dad like him, it's better to consider him dead".

"Do you remember your dad?" I asked her.

"I kept a photo of him and Sean that I took from one of Mom's boxes, but I have vague memoires of him. I remember that time with the neighbor's daughter, my dad was screaming and holding my hand and I remember I was scared of him. I do remember playing with Sean".

Trish left home with her mom and her older sister Kelly. Mom re-married and divorced again and after her sister moved out, Trish counted the days until she finished high school and drove with 2 other girls from her high school to another state.

"All my life, I felt like an orphan", she said, "I see Mom and my sister once a year and talk to them twice a year".

When I asked some questions about the relationship between them, I felt a bit confused. Trish talked about Kelly fondly, but expressed a lot of anger towards her mom. When I asked about the relationship between her mom and her sister, she said, "Kelly hates the whole world. She is a sad and angry woman. When you talk to her, you always think she is hiding something. I can't stand it".

Trish left home at the age of 17. "I learned to count on myself. When you don't have anyone to help you, you discover you can do many things on your own. I found a job in a law firm and I was so good they sent me to study and were very kind to me".

For ten years after leaving home, life smiled at Trish, until she gave birth to her first child...

"Suddenly, being an orphan was not OK. Kids need both of their parents", she cried. Ben kept holding her hand and supporting her. "I wanted to share with my family the joy of having a child and I couldn't. Mom and my sister have never seen our son and I was angry with my dad. I wanted to know where he was. I missed Sean and I searched all my memories and only this incident came up. No matter how hard I searched, this memory kept coming up".

At one stage, Ben said he would go to the car and be back shortly. They both looked at each other as if they had agreed he would leave her on her own. When he left, she said, "I think this memory is ruining my life. I love Ben very much. We have been together for 4 years and I avoid having sex with him now", she said.

I realized this was even more sensitive than I thought at first and added one more piece to the puzzle.

"Has anything happened between you and Ben since your son was born?" I asked.

"Oh, no, nothing. Ben is wonderful. Since our son was born, I love him even more, but I can't stop thinking about this. I feel invaded. I cry all day. Some days, I can't go to work. I think I'm losing my mind. We were planning to get married in two months and I'm not sure I can go through with it".

One more piece of the puzzle.

I explained to Trish that what she was experiencing was similar to anxiety. While anxiety is being possessed by a horrible imaginary future, Trish was possessed by a vague imaginary past. Trish was tortured. She wanted to know the truth but was afraid of that truth. It was like waiting for the phone to ring to hear some bad news.

Amazingly, most clients who face difficulties know what they have to do, they only need a little help to build up the courage to do it. I asked Trish over and over again, "What do you want?" At first, she said she did not want to remember it, she did not want to feel invaded, she did not want to reject Ben and she did not want to feel like an orphan, but in the end, she said, "I want to know what happened. I have to know what happened".

She had the right to know what had happened and by the time she left, I knew she would do anything to find out what had really happened. "I'll ask my sister. She was 14 when it happened, so she'll remember", she said.

Two weeks later, Trish came for another session, this time by herself. I could swear she looked different. She had some make up on and her hair was loose. She looked sexy. She smiled and said, "I didn't need to come, but I wanted to thank you".

It had taken Trish 3 days to call her sister. Every time Ben had asked if she had called, she had said she would do it later. On the 3^rd evening, he had said, "What do you want?" and she had picked up the phone, taken a deep breath and dialed her sister's phone number.

"Kelly was surprised to hear my voice. As soon as I heard her voice, I started crying... She sounded worried and said in panic, 'Trish, what happened?' Between sobs, I said to her, 'Remember just before Dad left something happened with the neighbor when his daughter and I were playing together? Do you know what happened there?'"

Trish had a 3-hour conversation with her sister, in which she discovered the missing pieces of her life's puzzle. While Trish was trying hard to remember, her sister spent all her life trying to forget. Trish and the neighbor's girl were very good friends and often played at each other's house. One day, the neighbor's daughter came to Trish's house and while playing, she said her dad had been touching her and telling her it was their secret and she should never tell anyone.

Trish's dad heard the girls talking and stormed out of the house. "Dad said he was going kill the neighbor", Kelly said. Trish's mom tried to stop him, but with no success. Everyone came out of the house while the two men were yelling at each other on the street. Trish's friend stood there screaming, her father grabbed her by the hand and said she was not allowed to come over to Trish's house ever again. Trish stood there and cried. Her dad grabbed her by the hand, pulled her back into the house and said she was not allowed to go over to her friend's house.

Trish never forgave her dad for not keeping it a secret and for being the reason she had lost her best friend. Not long after, her dad found out her mom was having an affair with the same neighbor. They had constant fights until one day, her mom took the two girls and left home.

"Why the two girls?" I asked. I felt the whole thing was taken out of a movie.

"Kelly said Sean was the one who saw her with the neighbor. One day at dinnertime, he couldn't keep it a secret any longer and said to Mom, 'I hate you, I hate you, I wish you were dead'. Dad was angry with him and followed him to his room to ask him to come down and apologize. When he came out of Sean's room, he was angry. He took his car keys and left the house. Mom knew Sean would never come with her".

At first, her dad tried to contact the girls, but Trish was convinced the whole thing had something to do with the incident with the neighbor and was so angry with her dad she refused to talk to him. One day, she told him on the phone, "I hate you. I wish you were dead", and he stopped calling.

I listened to her story and thought of her sister, "Why didn't she tell you what happened?" I asked, not sure it was my place to ask, but thinking that not knowing would drive me mad.

"She was angry with my friend for not keeping the secret, she was angry with Dad for revealing the girl's secret, she was angry with Sean for not keeping the secret of Mom and the neighbor, so she figured none of this would've happened if we all knew how to keep a secret..."

My heart sank. I could imagine the demons in Kelly's mind torturing her with the thought that it is better to keep things to yourself than to let them out and handle them. It reminded me of the movie The Butterfly Affect, in which every time Evan tires to fix a problem in his life, something worse happens. As a 14-year-old girl, Kelly concluded that revealing secrets would ruin her life. I tried to think of keeping a secret for 20 years. The thought of it was exhausting.

It made me realize that kids do not understand secrets. As soon as you say the word "secret", you allow demons to take over their mind and torture them for years. I looked at Trish. She had taken all the right facts and had come up with a totally different story, which made me think, "You never know what conclusions kids draw from their (painful) experiences".

Trish told me she was very busy arranging things for their wedding. "On our wedding night, Ben and I are going to get a room in a hotel in the city and Kelly is going to spend the night with our son". I realized it would be the first time Kelly would see her little nephew.

When you coach someone, you never know how far the ripple of positive change will reach. From my point of view, Kelly was the victim, the real orphan chased by secret demons of a child trying to make sense of a family chaos. "This could easily be a script for a movie", I thought to myself.

Trish left and I finished writing notes in my folder and though I would keep it a secret for a few years and then tell the whole world.

Two months later, I got an email from Ben, "Kelly flew over and spent 10 days with us helping with preparations for the wedding. She was wonderful. I've never seen Trish so happy. Thank you!"

I think this puzzle is solved.

Have a great day,
Ronit

* The names and some details have been changed to keep the privacy of the people in this story

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Dear Gina,

How to discipline kids, what is discipline and related issues are a source of friction almost in every home. I think your husband has expectations from you and your children that are probably based on his definition of good parenting and discipline, which I am not sure are healthy, although they were very typical 20 to 30 years ago when he was a child.

To me, discipline is the opposite of motivation and this is certainly true with kids. If you need to discipline your kids, that means you are powerless. It means you are afraid of your kids and that is not good in parenting.

Motivating, encouraging, supporting and helping are acts of giving. You do them for the benefit of your kids. Discipline is an act of taking. You do it for your own benefit. As a parent, you need to give, not take.

Parenting your children is like dancing and you are the one in the lead. Yes, you can use force and your kids will dance along, but they will hate you and disrespect you and when they have a hard time, they will not come to you for support and will never ask for your help, which means you will be failing to protect them.

How many parents do you know that say to their kids who have done horrible things, "Why didn't you come to me for help?" They used force and abused their parental powers to make their children do what the parents wanted and now they complain the kids do not come and ask for help? Where is the surprise?

I strongly recommend that every parent abandon the desire to discipline. If you think in terms of discipline, you have already lost your power and your credibility with your kids. Many parents think that disciplining the kids is part of the "job description" and this it is what makes parenting seems so hard. I personally know lots of people who have lots of problems with their kids and search for schools that will discipline them. They say, "I have problems with my kids and I need a school that can discipline them", but they do not understand that it is a vicious cycle.

If you give up discipline, you will not have problems and you will not need a school to discipline your kids. I encourage you to stay away from this way of thinking. From my experience, it is the way to lose your kids at an early stage.

Many parents have conflicts over how to discipline and how to parent their kids. Unfortunately, the conflict between them contributes greatly to the kids' behavior. I think you need to spend time with your husband and discuss your differences around parenting, encouragement, discipline, authority and the best way to raise good kids. Otherwise, your kids may take advantage of his conflict while suffering emotionally. It is best to do it when you are both happy and relaxed, when the kids are not around and there is no problem you need to sort out. When people are happy, they can think better.

I would probably be upset if my husband said he would fire me (or that he wanted to be my boss). Luckily, there is no boss in parenting (although I can understand that someone who thinks that discipline is an option wants power and would love to be the boss). Parents do the best they can with what they have.

Having doubts about your parenting is worse than making mistakes. Parents are not perfect and that is what makes us human. The core skills we need in parenting are loving and wanting to improve. I think these are the core skills in life. Love can do a lot more than discipline. I know it sounds like a cliché, but the desire for power does not go hand in hand with love.

I have had many disagreements about being an objective mother. So many people, including family members, have said to me that I was not objective towards my daughter. How can you love someone and be objective at the same time? Love is not objective and the expression "objective parent" is an oxymoron.

No human being is ever objective, because we have feelings. In parenting, objectiveness is a horrible condition. It means the emotional umbilical cord between you and your kids is cut. If a parent says to me, "I have to be objective about my child", I tell them to get help. It is a myth that objectiveness is an ability needed to prepare kids for life. Objectiveness means we have no bias, as if we have no feelings, but how can we prepare kids for life without feelings?

Your husband may see some aspects of the kids' behavior that he would like to change, but focusing on good things is always a better strategy than focusing on the problems.

Every parent should recognize the small panic attack when their kids do not match their expectations and ask themselves, "Why do I expect them to do this differently? Did my parents think the same about me? Did I like that? What are the risks of following what my parents did? If my child behaves like this, does it mean they will be like this when they grow up? Am I strong enough to support my child or do I seek power because I feel weak?"

Remember, kids can do anything you present them in an encouraging way. They will be confident and strong if you help them move forward with small, gentle pushes, but if you push too hard, the will resist.

Think of your kids as they took their first steps. You never push them to walk. You stretch your arms wide open around them to protect them from falling and you move back so they come towards you. It is the same with every new thing they do, even behavior. Small pushes towards a place they want to go is encouragement. Big pushes against where they want to go is a form of violence.

You probably want to give your children many values. Do not focus on discipline so they do not think this was your gift to them. The only people who can fire parents are their kids and they can only do it when they have their own kids and they understand what parenting means. I will know I am fired big time if my grownup kids ever say, "My mom was a good mother, because she knew how to discipline me".

Ask your husband to read the series motivating kids. It will help him avoid being fired by his own kids when the time comes.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

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Mama knows best

Community nurses will tell you that the phrase "Mama knows best" is true and when a parent feels their child is suffering some kind of problem, they should be taken seriously and the child should be thoroughly checked until the problem is found and fixed. Ronit helps identify kids' problems regularly and is amazed at how many times parents arrive in desperation, having been dismissed and ignored by "the professionals".

So whether you are Mama or Papa, if you suspect your child might be having some sort of a problem, you know best. Do not let anyone put you down or discourage you. Your child is your responsibility and if you say he or she needs help, that is good enough. Keep on searching and doing the best for your child until you succeed.

What's the problem with my child?

Excuse me if I use a computer metaphor, but in the IT world, there are 3 kinds of people: hardware engineers, software developers and implementers. Hardware engineers know how to combine electronic components and build computers. Software developers enable the hardware to do a lot of wonderful things. Implementers (business analysts) choose the best hardware, software, settings and methods to use in a particular context.

Parents, unfortunately, have to be all of them.

Check your kid's hardware

When I was a university student, I was a "big brother" to a disadvantaged boy in 2^nd Grade (let's call him Sunny). The poor kid' father lived somewhere else, money was nonexistent to the point where there was no running water, both his parents had a past of drugs (I had no proof about their present) and he was doing badly at school.

One day, as I was helping Sunny with his homework, he told me he could not see the board in class.

"What do you mean?" I asked, being very inexperienced at the time.

"When I sit in class, I see the teacher's writing on the board very blurry. Most of the time, I can't make out what she writes", he said sadly.

"Where do you sit in class?" I asked.

"I used to sit at the back, but then I could hardly see where the board was, so now I sit in the first row, but it's no good", he said.

"Maybe you need glasses", I suggested.

"I told my mom for a long time about this, but she didn't believe me", Sunny said miserably.

Ronit recently assessed a child who was not poor at all, lived with both his parents and still did poorly at school. After spending some time with him, she realized he did not pronounce words properly. After some specific testing, she concluded his problem was with his hearing.

His mother reacted to this diagnosis as a great revelation and immediately decided to have his hearing checked. After that is corrected, he is likely to go through a period of catching up and eventually have a normal life.

But others are not so lucky. in 1991, Ronit had a girl who was sensitive to the protein in milk. Since much of her diet (she was 2 years old) was dairy food, her nose was runny all the time and she suffered from frequent ear infections. Based on Ronit's diagnosis and recommendation, her mother took her (after months of convincing) to a specialist who operated on her ears and installed ear tubes to relieve the pressure in her ears.

Despite the clear indication that her daughter's health and hearing were affected by her diet, the girl's mother changed nothing. The little girl is now 22 years old and has not caught up with her age group. The period of partial deafness changed this girl's life forever.

So regardless of the symptoms, consider your child's "hardware" first, including eyes, ears, breathing, tongue and mouth, posture, quality and quantity of sleep, food sensitivities, allergies, vitamin and mineral deficiencies and muscle tone. Take your child to a reliable and open-minded doctor, run every suitable test and rule out "organic" causes.

Check your kid's software

Every child is pre-programmed with communication styles (visual, auditory, kinesthetic and/or digital) and love languages (affirmations, services, quality time, physical touch and/or gifts).

A totally healthy child with an excellent pair of eyes and a perfect brain may have great difficulty reading in a noisy place. Once you discover your child is auditory, that makes sense and the solution is clear.

A vital, bouncy child with no vision or hearing problems may struggle at school despite the teacher's best efforts. Once you discover your child is kinesthetic and needs to move, you can work out ways to liberate the little person and help him or her excel and be happy.

This blog contains many posts on stimulating children with various communication styles and a number of posts on supporting the different love languages, so if your child's physical checkups are all clear, read up on communication styles and love languages and check the child's "software".

Check your kid's implementation

Sunny's mother listened to him after a while and took him to an optometrist, who found out Sunny was very near sighted. He prescribed a thick pair of lenses and Sunny's mom, having no money to pay, chose the cheapest frame for them, which would be fully refunded by the government.

Sunny kept doing badly at school.

One day, I wondered about his glasses and asked him to show them to me. He refused and looked ashamed. I told him that there was nothing to be ashamed of and that Ronit has to wear glasses all the time, as did many other people we both knew.

After some convincing, he finally went to his schoolbag and produced a spectacularly ugly pair of glasses. He shyly showed it to me and said quietly, "I'm never wearing these at school. Never ever!"

"Don't you see better with your glasses? This is your chance to see what the teacher writes on the board and keep up", I said.

"I came with my glasses the first time and everyone called me 'four eyes' and laughed at me", he said, nearly in tears, "I told my mom to buy me a different frame, but she didn't listen to me and bought this bulky, ugly one. I look horrible in them and I'll never wear them to school".

Sunny cared a lot more about being accepted socially and having friends to play with than he did about his school performance. For a child who had been abandoned by his father, other people's company was precious and good grades were not going to bring his father back home.

Sometimes, despite our best intentions and due to a whole bunch of grownup considerations, we produce solutions that ignore the context of our kids' life. In some cases, the child will try for a while, but as soon as they have a choice, they will do something different (anyone with teenagers will agree).

We sometimes hear about kids who stayed at home until it was time to go to school and played very little with others. Their start is rough and involves a lot of friction with others, fighting over possession of toys and book, defiance and more. Some parents' reaction to this is to keep their kids at home for another year, until they "grow up" or even choose home schooling for them, believing they have social difficulties.

But without enough social experience, it is not surprising the kids have a hard time initially. What they need is not to grow up but to adjust and learn the rules of engagement, which the other children will quickly teach them. What they need is not more isolation but more time with other kids so that they can adjust faster and at a younger age.

The context makes all the difference sometimes, so check the "implementation".

Easy parenting,
Gal

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My schooling was a nightmare for my parents. I was not a good student (to put it mildly) and my parents really suffered for it. I was not very good in my academic studies, I had social problems, I had behavior problems and the whole school experience was very painful for me.

However, after being kicked out of school after 10^th grade for failing too many subjects, I became a good student and won a scholarship for excellence. I then realized that my parents could not have made life easier for me, because they had no rules about school to guide them. They wanted me (and my siblings) to go to school because this is what everyone did and because in their mind, not having education pre-destined you to a life of sweeping streets and collecting garbage.

My personal experience contributed much to my parenting bible. As I went through college, the rules and commandments about school and studies became much clearer.

I am particularly proud of my school commandments and of having kids whose schooling is one continuous ecstasy. Yes, their schooling was not a regular one, because they lived in different places around the world, learned in special programs (some of which I ran myself), skipped grades and did other extraordinary things. But this is what schooling is for me and I am happy and proud that my schooling commandments brought my kids to think of their schooling as the best thing that has ever happened to them.

I have over 1,000 rules related to school and studying. I will share 10 commandments with you today and I hope they will give you inspiration.

1. School/Day Care Center is the best place to learn social interaction - even the best mother in the world is no substitute for social interaction with other kids. Send your kids to a place with other kids as early as age 1. Do not keep kids at home with one parent or one carer. Home interaction, even with 5 siblings, cannot match up to the rich and varied social interaction needed for life.
2. Academic achievements are a product of emotional intelligence - schooling is not about academic achievements but about using them to find talents and boost confidence. Find a school that focuses on your child's physical and emotional health and wellbeing. Stay away from schools that only care about academic achievements, because they ruin the creative spirit.
3. Expect your kids to have high academic achievements but stay away from perfectionism - when you expect a lot of your kids, they usually perform better, but if your expectations are too high, the pressure blocks them. How can you tell? If your child is happy with their academic achievement and you are too, you are supporting and encouraging. If your child is happy and you are not, you expect too much. Happy kids learn better. Remember that.
4. Learn your kids' communication style - kids absorb and process information in different ways and learning is not the same for everyone. If you know your child's best way to learn, you can teach them how to learn better. Kids perform better in the subjects that are part of their communication style. Accept it! Help them accept it too.
5. Your kids' knowledge is your responsibly - never say it is the teacher's/school's responsibility to teach your kids. You need to make sure they can learn! You pay for the school's services through your taxes (and/or privately) and you are therefore a client. You must make sure you get good service for your money. Do not put your kids' future in other people's hands. They are there to help you, not to replace you! Parents are irreplaceable!
6. Grades are for teachers, not for kids - test results are not only an indication of how well a child has learned a subject but also how well the teacher has taught it. Grades are a combination of both the teacher's and the student's abilities and of how well they communicate their styles and needs. Never treat your kids' report card as a way to tell them how good they are. They are always good, regardless of their grades!
7. Homework is a requirement, not an option - homework is given to help the learning process. Homework must be done completely and all other activities (hobbies, friends, TV and computer games) can come after. Dedicate time for homework. Help your kids manage their assignments. Life is full of assignments (although later on, we do not call them "homework") and the more practice they get in completing them successfully, the more successful they will be in their life.
8. Reading is the most important learning vehicle - if you want your kids to have a good schooling experience, teach them to read well and help them read at enjoyment level as soon as possible. When they are learning to read, sit with your kids and read books with them so they will be at the top of the class at reading. Top of the class does not mean they get the highest scores. It means they always read at a higher level than expected for their age. Why? Because it means they will be able to absorb more information in the same amount of time.
9. Teach your kids to touch-type - regardless of what the school does, teaching your kids to touch-type is your responsibly and equips them with a tool that they will need for life. I added this to my commandments during a journalism course, when I realized the speed of typing with two fingers was an obstacle to my success. I gave my kids a touch-typing program in 1^st grade and told them it was Mommy's assignment that they must complete. When Eden was in 12^th grade, a group of friends came over to complete a project and the other girls typed with one finger. I then knew exactly why Eden's scores were higher than the rest. When you type each letter separately, your level of expression drops significantly and everything takes you much longer. At that point, the carving of this commandment in my biblical tablets got deeper.
10. Make an effort to find the right school for your kids rather than compromising on the local school. School is where your kids will spend many hours of their childhood life, so do not compromise on the school because of the location or price. Instead, compromise on where you live or on the type of home you live in and pick the best possible school for your kids. The best school is not the one that is famous for being highly academic but rather a school that their philosophy matches yours and will be the best value for your money (remember, you are paying anyway, either privately or though your tax).

I was very lucky to learn about school from the teacher's and principal's side to understand how parents can contribute greatly to their kids' school success, but I am sure that these commandments are nothing more than common sense things that every parent can examine and find ways to incorporate in their own parenting bible.

Join me next week for the parenting commandments about money.

Until then, be a happy parent!
Ronit

You may want to read

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I am a fixer. I have been a fixer all my life. This means I see problems and things that could work better all the time and immediately come up with clever solutions for them. Waiting patiently for things to work and then praising them does not come naturally for me.

If you are a fixer like me, or if your kids "never do anything good/right" or always "give you a hard time", this post may really help you.

Always look on the bright side of life
- Monty Python in Life of Brian

Our 9-year-old daughter Noff spends way too much time watching TV, watching video clips on YouTube and playing computer games. Every day, we practically drag her from one of these activities, not kicking, but sometimes crying. Being busy with other things and having other kids in the house, we do not always pay close attention to what she does. As soon as our backs are turned, she sneaks back to watching or playing on the computer.

Our philosophy is that movies portray distorted views of life to kids. Being kids, they might accept these views as reality and adopt some very limiting beliefs about how people should behave. We also think that when you play against the computer, nobody really gets hurt when you win, so most computer games encourage competition, selfish focus, strict result orientation and disregard for others.

Tsoof recently did an assignment for school on the effects of playing violent video games. Before he did it, we had an idea about the connection between kids' behavior and the activities they engage in, but the stories of suicide, brutality, outrageous behavior and even murder he told us about literally scared us.

What is Noff going to turn into with all these movies and games she plays?

Well, some time ago, Noff was invited to a pool party. For the first time, there was a disabled girl there (let's call her Gaby). She could walk with great effort and needed support to get on the slide, climb out of the pool and just walk around. But the girls did not seem to mind. When we arrived, we saw Gaby, supported by two girls, walking towards us with her face lit up with joy. Throughout the day, despite the extra physical challenges, the girls kept her with them, wet and excited.

Not bad for TV-watching, computer-game-playing, accessory-chasing, modern-day girls.

A few days ago, I saw Noff climbing a chair and looking at the top of our fridge. When I asked what she was doing, she told me her teacher's whiteboard markers were no good anymore and the writing was too faded to see, so she was going to give the teacher some whiteboard markers.

My first thought was, "Hang on a second. The school should provide the teacher with supplies and the teacher should take care of these things herself", but then, I saw Noff's excited expression and realized the really important thing that was going on.

My little daughter was very sensitive. She did not care who was responsible for what. Her teacher had a hard time getting supplies and her classmates were having a hard time reading from the board.

She was also generous, independent and decisive. The money these markers cost was nothing compared to being helpful. She did not need help making that decision - it was clear. She also knew exactly where the markers were and left enough markers so we would not suffer.

Wow! I was blown away. All I had to do was shut up.

The next day, Noff came back from school beaming. She said, "When I gave the markers to Mrs. Daly, she gave me a big hug. She was so happy she used my markers all day and she looked at me and smiled when she wrote on the board and it worked".

I nearly burst with pride. Win-win!

Noff's design for an anti-bullying T-shirt drawn on the glass door of the porch

A couple of days later, our phone rang in the evening. Surprisingly, the caller was a girl from Noff's class. Feeling important, Noff roamed the house, phone in hand, and chatted happily with her friend, until suddenly, her tone changed, she walked to the whiteboard hanging in our dining room and stood there for a while, doing math exercises and explaining stuff.

When I asked her about the math on the board, she said, "At first, my friend just wanted to chat, but then she asked if I did my homework and when I said yes, she said she needed some help, so I helped her".

Most parents would be pleased their daughter was smart enough to know the answers, but what I got from this conversation was that Noff's friend did not feel threatened by her being smart. Calling another classmate for help with homework is risky business in today's bully-infested society, but Noff's friend felt she could trust her. She must be doing something to inspire that trust.

So instead of telling Noff to get off the computer or to turn the TV off, I told her how proud I was of her for being so considerate, helpful and free-thinking.

Then I told her to come and practice the flute…

I think we can help one another see the good things in our kids by sharing what we see with everyone else. I hope this post was the beginning of a long line of parents' stories of how great their kids are. If you have a story about your own kids, post it as a comment below.

If you have no good stories to tell about your kids, come back and read other people's stories for inspiration and pay close attention to your kids when you are around them. All children are good. All of them. We just need to know how to look.

Happy parenting,
Gal

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