In a book called The Lonely Crowd, David Riesman wrote in 1950 that people could be split into two groups. He said that the inner-directed person "has a trustworthy character and builds his life on the stability and security of his family. Usually, he believes in the Judeo-Christian faith". The other-directed person, on the other hand, is "dependent on the approval of others, especially experts. They are consumed by a quest for personal happiness, so that ... anything becomes permissible if it makes me happy".

Yes, this is an old book, but I read this quote this morning in a much newer book on personal power and relationship skills, so the notion that our pursuit of happiness makes us selfish and self-centered is still very much alive today.

So what's the deal? Does personal happiness equate to selfishness? Does the search for personal fulfillment make us lonely?

"Pooh!" the bear snorted, "Again I say pooh!"
- The Big Brag, Dr Seuss

Being a selfish happiness seeker is like drilling for oil in your own back yard. No matter how much oil you find, the yard will never be the same, your house will stand out from the rest and none of your neighbors will remain your friends. It is like cutting down the trees in the Amazon and making a quick buck, but destroying the future of your children and their children.

Happiness is not the same as instant gratification. It is not the same as temporary joy, excitement, elation or even comfort. Happiness is a state of mind that permeates everything in your life. It must be sustainable.

If not, all we have left is the pursuit, and that makes for a very hard and disappointing life.

So how can you tell if your focus is on the right sort of happiness and that you are not wasting your time on becoming more and more self-centered and self-serving?

I suggest that whatever you do and whenever you have a decision to make about a course of action, you use the following questions:

1. Is it good for me?
2. Is it good for others?
3. Is it good for the Greater Good?

Those who stop after the first question may very well make selfish decisions that hurt them in the long run, hurt others and ruin the future. But those who keep going through the list and assign the same level of importance to all of the answers make decisions that will lead them to more and more happiness over time.

Notice that these questions are all based on your personal interpretation of what is "good", who are "others" and what is the "Greater Good". It really does not matter how you see each of these, the simple consideration of other people, future generations, some kind of a moral system and/or society in general will always yield better decisions with more sustainable outcomes.

You see, the world is a very (VERY) large mirror. What we see in the world is a reflection of what is inside us, at least in some way.

Let's say your life is stressful and you decide to go on a 6-week meditation retreat on a mountain in India. Your partner will have to take care of the kids and your family will miss you terribly, your customers will get no service for a long time and your business will suffer from this, which will later hurt your ability to provide for your family. Sure, it will make you happy, at least while you are meditating, but at what cost?

By realizing the effects on others, you could instead learn to meditate at home, spend some time every week doing Yoga, possibly with your partner and children. It may take you longer to relax fully and feel pure and healthy, but you will find a lot more support around you to sustain your journey.

One of the worst trends today is divorce due to one of the partners being unfaithful. Every couple's life involves pressure and even conflict. Finding a fresh person and satisfying our hunger for attention and love with them may be a quick and easy way to temporary happiness, but at what cost?

By realizing the effects on others and on us in the long run and by looking at our society and seeing what this trend is doing to it, you would see that taking personal responsibility for your actions and investing in your existing relationships is a more sustainable approach. After all, there is no guarantee the new person will keep making you happy for long either.

As a parent, you may be happy when your kids play quietly, particularly if others see this as testament of your good parenting. So if your little boy starts throwing things around, you may feel he is stealing your happiness and making you look bad. You can call him "naughty" and do your best to "discipline" him, but at what cost?

Although you may feel justified in "setting him straight", when he stops trusting you and avoids your company, your will regret your actions and may not be able to recover from them. Moreover, if you examine the behavior of other kids whose parents react in a harsh and self-centered way, you will realize your influence on the world in which your kids grow up. It can be a place full of "naughty" people who feel bad about themselves or a place of trust and respect for all.

By realizing that your best parenting asset is your child's faith in you, you could try to find out what troubles him and guide him towards peace of mind.

Similarly, many parents link their happiness to their children's academic performance. If your teenage girl's grades begin to drop, you can nag her to do her homework, tell her she is lazy, forbid her to go on Facebook and ground her for weeks. You may see yourself as providing order and proper priorities to your daughter at a time of hormonal unrest, but at what cost?

By realizing your support role in her life, you could make her feel safe enough to pour her heart out and tell you her boyfriend broke up with her, let her cry a little on your shoulder and reassure her you will always be there for her. This will teach her how to handle grief and disappointment and validate her emotions.

All too often, there is a conflict between our immediate satisfaction and our long-term happiness. That is just how life works. What is good for us right now is never just that. We are surrounded by people with different interests, beliefs and desires that still matter. And even the people who live far away often have some influence on us (like those clearing the jungle trees in Indonesia or those who make our clothes in China).

So practice asking the questions above. First, you will have to think about every answer carefully, but over time, it will become second nature, like riding a bike. And just like riding a bike, it will make you happy.

Have a great life,
Gal

You may want to read

• Sharing and Caring
• More Control – Less Power
• Questions, Questions

Usually, we call others "difficult" when we find them hard to deal with. Although we find it hard to deal with them, this does not make them difficult people. Sometimes, the combination between people highlights their difficulty, so to make sure that the difficulty is not just a conflict between the two of you but something general, check that this behavior is a pattern that appears in this person's communication with others as well.

If more than three people think they have a dysfunctional relationship with this person, and for the same reasons, it is usually a sign that the problem is with the difficult person and not with the combination of both of you. If others share mixed impressions of that person, we should take a closer look at our particular interactions with him or her.

For us to consider someone as difficult, we also need to make sure that the behavior is not temporary but consistent. We all have times when we show off, we all joke sometimes and even say something sarcastic, but it does not make us difficult. Usually, it needs to happen consistently over a period to be considered a problem. If someone is suddenly difficult, he or she is not a difficult person - they are just experiencing a temporary challenge they cannot handle. In that situation, maybe there is something we can do to help them.

Here are types that can be mistaken for being difficult and we need to be careful before considering them difficult.

1. Exhibitionists - We would not call popular people "difficult" just because they are popular. Real exhibitionists are not popular, which is why they try to become popular in ways that make others like them even less.
2. Experts - It is important not to confuse between smart and knowledgeable people that are generous with their expertise and those who push their expertise even when they are not asked for it.
3. Jokers - Funny people are not necessary difficult. Some funny people know when it is time to laugh and when it is time to be serious. Dysfunctional jokers use their humor to avoid emotionally challenging situations and keep cracking jokes even at very inappropriate times.
4. Dinosaurs - Not every old-fashioned person who keeps tradition and does things the old way is a difficult person. There is much to learn from elders and they can be kind and wonderful mentors if they practice some flexibility and generally avoid judgment. I have had a chance to meet some elders in my leadership programs and thought they were graceful and open-minded. Young people can be dinosaurs too if they stick to what they know and defend it while keeping their mind closed to new ideas.
5. Show offs - It is important to distinguish between people who are proud of themselves and show offs. While proud people tell about their successes and achievements when the conversation is around the topic of their success, show offs do it constantly and not necessary in relation to the topic of conversation.
6. Shy - It is very natural for people to be reserved a bit in new company, so do not judge them in situations where they are totally new and with lots of new people. Not everyone can approach strangers, extend their hand and say, "Hi, I'm Yvonne", but there is nothing wrong with them. This is only a problem when it starts affecting their daily life.
7. Astronauts and loners - We all want to be alone sometimes. We all want to let go sometimes and do nothing at all, but it does not make us difficult. It makes us human. It becomes a difficulty when this desire takes over our life and disturbs our relationships with others.
8. Competitive - Some competition is healthy and can be a motivator for some people. It becomes a difficulty when we feel we must win and are devastated when we come in second. It becomes a problem when we win and forget that losing person has feelings too and view people as "winners" or "losers".
9. Gossips - Be careful not to consider every talk about others a bad thing. If you talk about others when they are not around, but you say good things about them, this also does not make you a difficult person. It makes you wise and kind.
10. Two faced or Vague - Some people do not explain themselves properly because of language and/or culture differences. People who speak another language have unusual vocabulary and accent that might make what they say seem unclear or vague. It makes it difficult to understand them, but does not make them difficult people.
11. The "special one" - We all have a desire to be unique. This is natural and common. We become difficult when we stick out in a bad way or when the desire to be unique overrides the desire to be in good relationships with the people around us.
12. Approval seekers - We all want the people who love us to approve of our behavior and reassure us that we are loved and appreciated. It becomes difficult when we demand this approval and when we increase it from an occasional desire to a strong need.

Join me next week to find out why difficult people become difficult. In the meantime, I would love to read about your discoveries of difficult people around you.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, "Am I difficult that way?" and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Show offs

These are people that constantly tell you about their achievements and successes, their wisdom and their abilities. When you are next to them, they tell you the same victory stories over and over again, as if they are trying to convince you they are great.

Being around a show off increase our feeling of inadequacy. I had a friend that told everyone about how much she spent on every item she bought and how expensive it was, saying, "I bought this dress for $700. Wow, it was so expensive". At first, I was happy for her, but after a while, I could not stop thinking I could buy more than 7 dresses for the same price. I think I was exhausted, because it was hard for me to manage my feelings of jealousy.

Non-stick or Teflon-coated

Nothing seems to stick to these. They seem like they do not have an attachment to anyone or any particular agenda. You cannot fight with them, but you cannot get close to them either. They always keep their distance and only the few people closest to them know who they really are.

From the outside, they seem like they are everyone's friends, yet no one really knows them. They seem like they do not have problems, desires or heartaches and this seems unreal. It is very hard to connect with a "Teflon-coated" person.

Shy

These people are afraid to express themselves and prefer to observe others rather than participate. They do not function well when they meet new people. Usually, those who are close to them manage them well, because they only tend to be shy around new people. So shy people are only a problem in a new setting, when you need them to step up and express themselves.

Astronauts and Loners

These people behave like they prefer to be in space, dreaming and are not aware of what happens around them. They do not remember what you ask them, they do not pay attention to things and, much like shy people, prefer not to engage with others but to be on their own. It is problematic when they are kids and they need to pay attention or when they are in a relationship and their partner feels rejected because of their desire to be on their own.

Competitive

These people think that every conversation, communication and social interaction is an opportunity to win. They always try to do things faster or better than others do and they do not cooperate, even when that hurts their relationships.

Another form of competition is being sneaky and always setting traps for others in a subtle way that is hard to recognize. Being around a competitive person does not allow you to be yourself or be natural in your reactions and that is very tiring, so people try to avoid being around people who are competitive.

Troublemakers

These people cause problems to others or get themselves in trouble constantly. They are in trouble at school, with friends, with teachers and with various authorities. They are not aware of the toll their actions puts on others. They get into trouble with authority and keep escalating it. Around them, you always feel you need to fix the damage they have done, so most people try to avoid troublemakers and are very concerned and upset when they must associate with them.

Gossips

These people talk about others behind their back. They use information as a weapon against others. They usually use it in a bad way and talk badly about others when they are not present. Gossips create disharmony and conflict where it would not be otherwise. They like adding information they hold to stir up a gathering and bring others into the "who knows the most" game. They will tell people what others have said about them and they will add some of their own stories to make things "juicier". People do not like hanging around gossips, because they know that if they gossip about one person today, tomorrow they may gossip about them too.

Two-faced or Vague

You never know what these people think. They are unclear about what they think or feel and keep their options open to shift their position due to pressure. When you talk to them one day, they say one thing, and when you talk to them another day, they say something totally different, so you constantly feel confused around them. People feel uncomfortable around two-faced or vague people. When you finish a conversation with them, you are not sure you know what they have said or where they stand, which makes it impossible to rely on them.

The "special one"

These people will do anything to be different and special, even if it means doing it in a bad way. They will show off, talk badly about others or put others down in order to stick out. The special ones cannot build rapport with others. Since rapport means finding some common ground to connect with other people, the special ones consider this a threat to their uniqueness. When you hang around a "special one" for a long time, you feel you have nothing in common. People often stop talking about themselves around "special ones" to stop their self-centered talk, but it does not help them.

Approval seekers

These people are a mixture of many difficulties. They totally depend on others and need others to affirm all of their actions, thoughts and even feelings. They constantly ask you to tell them they are loved, kind, smart, talented or capable. They use others to encourage them and support them.

In extreme cases, they test the boundaries of their relationships by being rude or aggressive and asking you to tell them they are still loved. They will do something selfish and ask you to tell them they are kind.

The main difficulty with seeking approval is that it is addictive. The person seeking approval is never satisfied and only wants more and more of it. Usually, being the person they seek approval from is very heavy and demanding. They usually seek approval from someone who cares for them and loves them and their demands make it harder to care for them and love them.

Approval seekers are very needy. Around them, you have to be strong and encouraging at all times, to put aside your own life and if you do not approve of something, they increase the demand for it. It is very difficult to be strong and encouraging all the time, put your own needs aside for too long and be approving of everything they do, so people give up on them with resentment.

Join me next time to explain what difficult people are not.

Have a great day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

There are many types of difficult people. Some of them are similar and all of them try to overcome some kind of fear or use their behavior as a mechanism to fulfill a need.

The first step in managing difficult people is to recognize the type of difficulty, whether it is within yourself or others.

With every type listed below, write a name of one or two people that you know who are difficult for you that way. First, ask yourself, "Am I difficult that way?" and then move to other people you know. Try to find at least one person of each type before moving to the next difficulty.

Types of difficult people (1-10)

Exhibitionists

People that do things to be seen by others and to be in the spotlight. Their desire to be front and center and receive recognition may cause others to feel embarrassed and try to avoid their company.

Experts

People who like to be perceived as knowledgeable in a specific area. Whenever there is a discussion about the topic of their expertise, they expect others to consult with them only and if others dare to ask someone else, the expert feels insulted. People do not like being around experts, because they push their expertise rather than being kind about it.

Jokers

People who make jokes all the time. They are never serious, even when it is required or commonly expected. They think everything is funny and when you tell them things that are dear to you and they make fun of it too, you tend to avoid telling them important things. It is hard to get support from a joker and people worry that they will be mocked when they reveal their inner fears and thoughts, so they just do not expect a joker to help them.

An extreme version of a joker is the sarcastic person, who is a critic in disguise. He is constantly judging others, but hides his judgment in the form of a funny statement. Sarcasm is a form of violence and people do all they can to avoid being bullied by a sarcastic person.

Hijackers

People who are very self-centered. They are convinced the world revolves around them and they take every opportunity to say what they think and to divert conversations to suit their purpose. They do not know how to give a credit to others and take over every meeting or discussion. If you ask them a question, you risk them taking hours to reply and leaving no space for others to participate.

Hijackers do not respect other people's agenda and do not understand the concept of "the right time" to do or say things. Their timing is awkward and to others, it seems like hijackers cannot read social cues and do not have social skills.

Party Poopers

Negative people. They see faults everywhere, they complain a lot and instead of focusing on what works, what is good or what they can be grateful for, they talk about the bad things so much, it is hard to see the light around them. Party poopers are hard work and major energy consumers, so people try to avoid being around them so they can have some fun in life.

Devil's advocates

People that always position themselves as the opposite of what others say. They do not say it because this is what they believe in. They say it because they like they see it as a game. It is very exhausting to be around such a person, because you constantly need to prove your point and justify your thoughts, while in constant argument and conflict. A devil's advocate uses various methods to play this "game", including making the other person look bad, dishonest and insecure, putting them down, being sarcastic and being insensitive to other's need.

Puppies

Those who agree with everything and always get into trouble when there is a disagreement between parties and they have to choose sides or be honest about what they think or believe. Around puppies, you never know where you stand. When they agree with you, you never know if their agreement is genuine or not. They are subject to pressure and when you communicate with them, you always need to consider who is putting more pressure on them. If you let go, the pressure they have on them does not disappear.

Dinosaurs

People with an old and conservative mindset. They talk about the past with longing. They try to live in the past and put a lot of effort into trying to convince others that what happened in the past was better. It is hard to talk around them about new ideas, about progress and about moving forward.

Hostile

People who are in a state of war at all times. They are very defensive. They suspect everyone around them for trying to harm them, so they constantly have their shields up and attack. Everything around them seems like a threat and they try to defend themselves by being hostile and sending messages of "Don't mess up with me". Around hostile people, you are constantly careful not to say the wrong word, as if you are walking on eggshells.

Nitpickers

Being around these people feels like being pricked by needles. They follow rules religiously and are very busy with every little mistake others make. They correct other's spelling and speech and they use long explanations and long analyses that exhaust others. They use their ability to pay attention to details to gain advantage in their communication, but they usually miss the real point by paying attention to what is not important in the conversation. With nitpickers, you never wins and people do not like losing constantly, so they quickly give up on them.

Join me next time for 10 more types of difficult people.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Energy Consumers

I was a difficult child for my parents and they gave up on me. My teachers gave up on me and even my friends gave up on me. I needed lots of courage to go through self-reflection and recognize I was not an easy child, not an easy student and not an easy friend. Lucky me, I was only 16 years old when I realized that difficult people are very lonely, they are in lots of pain and no one around helps them, because they cannot take the risk of associating with them.

Difficult people do not have many friends because they are hard work. They usually stick to the group of people that have no choice but suffer their presence, like family, old friends and work colleagues. These people tolerate their presence, but start to resent them if they have to be with them for a long time. They will never initiate an interaction outside what they have to.

Every difficult adult was once a difficult child

At least, they had some difficulties that have made them develop those "difficulties" as a defense mechanism. Difficult children usually say, "No one wants to be my friend". Grownups change it to, "I don't need (many) friends", or, "They're stupid, anyway", because their social difficulty is already part of their identity and they cannot see themselves without it. If someone told them they were difficult, they truly would not understand what it made them say it. They do not recognize their difficulty as a problem, usually because it is not a problem for them but for others.

I believe that difficult people struggle to recognize and manage their own feelings. Much like a person with a learning difficulty, difficult people have an emotional or social disability. It is a cycle. Their challenges make them difficult, so others avoid their company, which makes their disability even worse. Their need for company and external sources makes them more difficult, so they get less help and support. It never ends.

It gets complicated in some situations, such as when there is more than one difficulty, when there is a clash between two difficult people and when the difficulties increase in frequency or intensity.

When I studied special education, one of my very inspiring teachers showed us that we all have some difficulties, although not all of them were "learning difficulties", because they did not apply in a school setting (like fear of heights). Nevertheless, they limited out abilities and made us struggle sometimes. I suspect that in some way, we all have emotional difficulties and maybe more than one, although I think many of them are connected. Grouping our challenges can help us greatly in finding solutions. Often, finding a solution to one problem helps us solve others.

When we are difficult and we communicate with difficult people, the conflict increases and the tendency to behave in a difficult way increases. Again, no one is difficult to annoy others, they are trying to achieve something for themselves and, they just do it in a way that is not useful or beneficial to the interaction, because they do not know any other way. In these situations, it is important to understand that throwing the responsibility on the other person is not a solution and only makes it worse, no matter who the "difficult" person is.

How to deal with social difficulties

There are some ways for difficult people to improve and learn to manage their emotions.

1. They can see someone that will help them manage their emotions, an "emotional tutor". This usually requires them to recognize they have a problem and pay a professional who is a total stranger (at first) that will not give up on them due to exhaustion. Professionals charge for their service, so this method can be expensive.
2. They can get help from someone who loves them dearly, who is dedicated and willing to stick with them until they learn to manage their emotions. This is not an easy request when we are talking about a partner or a friend and works much better in a parent-child relationship. A parent will stick with a difficult child the more than any other person.
3. They can get a mentor that will help overcome the challenges of communication and of relating to others. Again, like going to a professional, the person must first recognize that they have a problem and that other people stay away from them not because the other people have a problem but because he or she is making it hard to associate with them. Usually, the mentor is someone they admire and appreciate and they will follow their instructions more readily. It is not easy to find a mentor who will to give their time freely, but sometimes, a distant family member, a family friend, a teacher or a community leader can do it with grace and kindness.
4. They can immerse themselves in personal development, meditate, think, reflect, read and do the hard work on their own. This requires lots of determination and ability to be honest with yourself. I believe this is the longest and hardest method, but it is the best one, because every realization in this method is strong and can give the "difficult" person power to control his or her own life.

This series is for everyone who thinks he or she may be considered "difficult" by others, as well as for those who must be around "difficult" people and look for ways to manage their relationship (usually, those who do not have to be will not bother). Teachers will benefit from this series, because they deal with difficult children every day. Parents will benefit from this series, because they have the strongest incentive to help their own children (remember, kids do not become difficult for the fun of it - they develop this behavior as a way to manage their emotions and if you do not help them change this pattern as the only person in the world who will stand by them for a long time, they might grow up to be difficult and miserable grownups).

So first, I want to recommend you do some self-reflection. If you find some of your difficulties below, seek help, as that will change your life forever. Even if you are convinced you are an easy person to deal with and the problem is with other people, working on yourself, on your emotional intelligence and your confidence, will help you help others.

In the coming weeks, I will talk about what difficult people are not, the types of difficult people, why people give up on them, what makes them difficult and how to manage your own difficulties and those of the difficult people around you.

Easy times,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People
• How to manage difficult people: Types of difficulties

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever
- Francois Mocuriac

People are social creatures. They live in groups, they need the groups and they rely on the groups to survive. This creates some dependency that no one likes. Yes, some people need friends more than others do, but living on our own, not seeing or being in contact with the outside world, would bring an end to human kind.

Friends and friendships are very important to all people, even to those who find it hard to admit, and what social skills we do not have naturally, we can develop.

In the past year, I have had many opportunities to talk and write about my successes. When I examined each of them, I realized that being a very social creature, loving people, understanding the way they function and using my good social skills were real assets to me.

Social skills - Nature or Nurture?

I have not always been a very friendly person. Not that I did not like company, but until the age of 16, I did not really understand the social rules I needed to live by. I had no friends, I got into frequent conflicts with the ones I did hang around with and I was lonely and miserable. My parents had no friends either, so I could not learn from them the right things to say and do around other people.

Then, I stopped reacting without thinking about the impact it has on my relationships and I learned that friendly people are happy people and that social skills can be learned.

Friend - a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection and loyalty
- Collins English Dictionary

I only had a chance to read "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie when I was 40 years old. It was not an easy read, but reading it triggered a mixture of happiness and sadness in me. Happiness that I had discovered all the things Dale Carnegie wrote in the book and sadness that circumstances had not brought this book into my life long before to save me the heartache and pain of discovering things the hard way.

I am sure there are many people who wonder, like I did, how life would have been if they knew the rules of social interaction. The more I think about it, the more I believe that it is parents' responsibility to teach their kids those skills. You cannot expect a disturbed 10-year-old or 14-year-old girl to go to the library, pick up Dale Carnegie's book and have the ability to implement it. I know many adults (too many, unfortunately) who read the book, or similar books, but that was not enough to teach them how to be friendly.

I have many clients that do not have a clue how to be friendly. They are lonely and prevent their families from being in social gatherings, because social interaction is a threat to them. Usually, they are unhappy and contribute greatly to the unhappiness of their entire family. When I talk to them about other people, they have strange interpretations for the way others behave. As social creatures, we learn to read behavior and people who are not friendly just cannot read others well enough. It is a cycle and its source is unknown. Is it the missing social skills that prevent them from hanging around others and therefore get little exposure to social interaction, or is it the lack of exposure that prevents them from developing their social skills and leads to avoiding people even more?

Some theories claim that social ability is genetic, while others consider it a learned skill. I tend to think it is a mixture of both and believe we need to focus on what we can do, rather than what we cannot do - every person can become a bit friendlier than he or she was in the past and therefore a bit happier than he or she would be otherwise.

Circle of friends

Although the number of friends is an indication to how friendly you are, it is also important to consider the level of friendship. One good way of realizing your social interaction is to do the circle of friends' activity.

Write your name in the middle, then write all those you consider friends and put them in the circle that matches how close are they to you. Consider their friendships in terms of how much you like them, how much they like you and how often you interact with them. The more close friends you have, the friendlier you are and the happier your life is.

The art of friendliness is the art of enjoying each other's company. If you like people, you want to spend more time with them. If they like you in return, they would like to spend more time with you. Liking each other means you are in a win-win situation - you both benefit from this interaction and your friendship will continue. If one of the sides is not happy with the relationship, it will bring friction, heartache and misery to both sides.

In any interaction, the goal is to benefit from the relationship and make sure the other person benefits from it too and would like to stay in this relationship. Our goal is to make the interaction pleasant to both sides.

Dale Carnegie talked about some basic techniques to win friends. He even thought they were fundamental to success in life through our ability to influence people. Read this list and examine your friendliness skills by rating your ability from 1-10.

• In your interaction with others, do not criticize. Criticism is the opposite of being friendly. It changes the balance between equal people to one considering himself/herself better. Do not confuse feedback with criticism. Criticism is always considering your point over the other.
• Do not condemn others for their actions and behavior. Again, this destroys the fine balance that is required in a pleasant interaction. When you condemn people, you are stating that there is right and wrong. This only proves you are not a close enough friend as you have no idea what would make this person behave the way he/she did.
• Do not complain. Complainers are not friendly by definition. The things they complain about are more important to them than the friendship and others do not like hanging around them for long. Complaining and being pleasant do not go hand in hand and the excuse that the complaint contributes to a better relationship does not convince anyone. Only a masochist will believe that in order to have a good relationship, they need to please the other person.
• Do not nag. Nagging is another way of criticizing, condemning and complaining. It is a sign you are not in an equal relationship. Nagging is a sign you think your opinion is superior and that you rather the other person do what you want even if it is done by force.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them
- Mother Teresa

• Give honest and sincere appreciation. The opposite of the first four behaviors that destroy the balance is to show and express appreciation. Say good things about your friend. Generally, saying good things about others (only if they are true) makes others consider you a friendly person that sees the good in others. Use praises at the beginning of your words and always be honest. If you are forced to show appreciation - it is not honest. If one person in your relationship demands appreciation, this changes the balance and forces one side to be dishonest, which is a sign of problems in the relationship.
• Avoid arguments. In any argument, there are two sides. Both of them are valid and no matter what happens, it will be a lose-lose interaction that no one would like to repeat. Argumentative people do not have many friends, because they are energy consumers and exhausting to spend time with. If you start an argument, consider the friendship and choose to lose the argument and not the friendship. If you feel you need to win an argument, you have already lost.
• Smile. People who smile seem very friendly. Smiling is a form of communication that attracts people. When you smile, it sends the other person an invitation to interact with you. When you frown, it labels you as a criticizing, complaining, unhappy person and makes others stay away from you. Friends subconsciously match your behavior. If you complain, they will tend to "play the game" with you, but when they are far away from you, they will feel uncomfortable with themselves and avoid hanging around with you.
• Use people's names. Everyone likes the sound of his or her name. I have seen people in networking events abuse this tip and when I hear my name for the third time in a short period, it turns me off. On the other hand, some people tend to talk to others without using their names at all. Remembering someone else's name is very important and it is better to ask, "Can you remind me of your name again?" than not to use the name at all (or to guess it incorrectly). With close friends, it is never an issue of remembering, but of making an effort to use it.

The best mirror is an old friend
- George Herbert

• Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves. In every interaction, measure how long you speak and how long the other person speaks. The one who speaks less is considered friendlier. In an interaction with others, there should be an equal share of contribution. Although it is not easy to use a stopwatch, it is good to be aware of who takes over the conversation. Those who take over the conversation usually consider the topic more important than the friendship and chase people away.
• When talking, talk about terms that are appealing to the other person. If you insist on talking about things that are of interest to you and not the other person, you lose your audience immediately. If you use vocabulary that the other person uses, the conversation is much easier. If you insist that the conversations include things that are of interest to you and that your goal is to convert the listener to your point of view, consider the interaction lost. Interaction is similar to playing ball. If one person holds the ball tight, there is no game.
• Be genuinely interested in other people. When you do listen and encourage others to talk, make it genuine and sincere. To show interest in people, you need to ask questions. If the questions are not sincere and you just wait for the other person to finish so you can have a say too, this will be easily picked up by the other person, create a problem of trust between you and they will say to themselves, "She really didn't want to know the answer, so why bother?"
• Make the other person feel important and special and be honest with it. Carnegie talked about honesty a lot. He thought that using his tips without really meaning it defeats the purpose of building social skills. The mechanics of showing interest in others and making another person feel special cannot be cheated. Either you think the other is special and important or you do not. You cannot fake it. If you talk to the other person as if there is nothing special about them, there is always the question of "Then why do you spend time with me?" Ask yourself, "Why do I want to be in this person's company?" and use the answer to tell this person what is special about them that makes them attractive to you. Saying, "Well, I didn’t have anyone else to talk to", is not a friendly thing to say. Be careful not to badmouth others to make your friends feel special. If you do that, it is risky to be your friend, because one day you might talk like that about them.
• Show respect to others' ideas and never tell them they are wrong! Every relationship is based on mutual respect. When you tell someone they are wrong, you are tipping the balance. It is your right to think and do things differently, but it is not your right to judge. People do not like being in a judgmental relationship.
• When a person is upset, do not talk negatively, only talk about the positive. Friends are there to help each other. If you talk negatively, you are not creating rapport but dragging your friend down. Do your best not to judge, not to offer explanations for why they are upset or what they could have done better to not be in that place. If they are upset, they do not need your judgment on top of it.
• Do not try to change your friend. Instead, try to see things from their point of view. In any relationship, there are conflicts. No two people do, act, say and treat things exactly the same way, but that does not need to come between friends. If you think a friend has done something that you consider inappropriate, strange or unkind, try to put yourself in his or her shoes. Friendship does not give you the right to change the other person but to understand them.
• Be courteous. This is strongly linked to respect and keeping the trust between people. If you feel you need to use information you have of other people to gain power, you are not a good friend and it will be hard for your to build this trust again.

I count myself in nothing else so happy as in a soul rememb'ring my good friends
- William Shakespeare

How to be friendly and happy

In some positions, you are in charge and need to lead others in doing things. It can be as a parent, as a manager or even within the scope of teamwork. People will follow and listen to those who lead with friendly behavior and will resent those who are not friendly.

1. Never point to other people's mistakes. If necessary, talk about the action, not the person. If there is a mistake that needs to be fixed, always make it look like it is not a big deal and it is easy to fix. If it is possible, talk about your own mistakes first. Always let the other person "save face". Shaming a person may make you feel strong, but it will attract resentment to you. A strong leader with no followers is not a leader.
2. If you do make a mistake, say, "My mistake, sorry". It makes you look human to those who work with you. Much like not making a fuss about the mistakes of others, make sure not to make a fuss about your own mistakes. Generally, focusing on mistakes is not a good social skill, so move on and talk about the good stuff.
3. Ask questions instead of giving orders. Use "Can you please bring me the letters" instead of "Bring me the letters, please". When it is asked as a question, it gives the other person the chance to say, "No, I can't right now. I am doing something else" instead of putting pressure on them to follow your orders even when they cannot.
4. Praise every improvement. Everyone likes to be praised and every time you praise, you are considered kind and friendly, as if you can read peoples' good motives and behavior. Give people a fine reputation to live up to.

The art of happiness is strongly related to our ability to connect with people and be friendly. Most of the big successes start with someone knowing someone who knows someone and the willingness to be friendly and help. I can tell you for sure that my successes have followed this pattern. Friends are like a big family and having a big family contributes to happiness.

Wishing you many friends and lots of happiness that comes with friendship,
Ronit

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• The Art of Misery (Advanced)

I walk around our neighborhood in the mornings and see different people. What surprises me often is how they respond when they notice me approaching. I am not too tall and quite thin, I wear normal clothes and a hat and there is nothing in my appearance that should cause anyone alarm. See for yourself on the left (not the best picture of me, but you get the idea).

Yet, some people cross to the other side of the street. They literally pick a spot well beyond contact distance and pretend they cannot see me. Other people, who might have to cross back to "my" side later to keep going, look down as they walk past me or give me a nervous forced smile, while picking up their pace.

I do not take it personally, but it makes me sad.

Men make more eye contact, their smile is more relaxed and they often greet me. Maybe they think they can handle a stranger better, if it ever came to "that" (an alternative is that only men find me attractive, but let's not go there).

Now, I used to suffer from fear of people myself. Maybe this is why I interpret others' behavior this way, but hopefully my suggestions today will be helpful either way.

Ronit loves to be around people. The more people, the better. She can glide into conversations, keep things moving happily and then glide out without hurting anyone's feelings. Whenever we went to social gatherings, I felt neglected. She would mix in and I would be left feeling awkward and alone. Any conversations I managed to get involved in only strengthened my belief that people were weird and hard to deal with.

When I became a manager, my job started involving more people and less technology. When I became a consultant, my people skills became even more important. Then, I worked on my beliefs about people with my life coach and set a goal to interact better socially. Finally, when Ronit and I started Be Happy in LIFE, I had to go out and connect with people so our business could succeed.

I would like to share my secrets with you, which you can use to relax, meet wonderful people, get more business, have more fun and, very importantly, raise children who are not afraid of people and can enjoy all those things too.

Make eye contact

The eyes are the window of the soul
- Old English Proverb

Eye contact is a non-verbal sign. It is the opening of communication with another human being. Nothing bad can happen from making eye contact with another person. The only thing it tells them is that we are interested in them and that is always good.

Instinctively, we interpret avoiding eye contact as a form of rejection. If looking at me shows interest, not looking at me shows disinterest.

So basically, looking at the floor, at your fingernails, at your shoes, at other people's shoes, at the food table, at the bar tender's pouring skill or anything of that sort immediate labels you as un-contactable and disinterested in the people around you.

On the other hand, raising your eyes and looking at another person will give that person a boost of confidence and open them up to more communication.

Smile

Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody's heart
- Anthony J. D'Angelo

Most people instinctively smile back when you smile at them. This is a very good thing, because smiling is linked in our brain to being happy and both of you will be happier by smiling. When you are happy, anything you do later is going to be better.

The challenge with smiling is that it cannot be faked. A fake smile can be detected by most people and is not linked to the happy feeling. In a strange way, you must find a way to smile genuinely, which requires you to be even a little bit happy to begin with.

So just think about the fact that the other person is there, likely as afraid as you are, and looking at YOU. If you smile, you are the brave one. If you smile, the other person will be thankful for your courage and will want to return the favor.

As soon as you are looking at each other and smiling, the next step should be easy.

Who is the most interesting person in the whole wide world?

If you ask anyone the above question, they would have to (secretly) admit that THEY are the most interesting to them. Specifically, they love hearing their name and how great they are.

That makes starting a conversation a lot easier than most people think. All you have to do is find something about the other person to ask about: their bright red shirt, their unusual name, their tan, their family ("Are these your kids?"), their special name tag, a comment they have just made in the conversation, etc. After that, just keep things positive.

In business networking events, carrying on a social conversation can be difficult, because everyone, including us, is there to get more business. Asking others about their life, their views and their business seems like a waste of time to many people.

Yet, I have found this method to be absolutely brilliant. So far, remember how looking at someone made them look back and make a connection? Remember how smiling at them made them smile back and strengthen the connection? Showing interest in someone else creates an imbalance, which the other person can feel. As soon as they have received enough attention, it is time to switch.

If you try to push your products or information on someone, they will run away, but if you show interest in them first, they will invite you to share the same information with them, because you have made them feel good. You just need to be patient and have faith in people.

Personal space is overrated

I believe that one of the major reasons people avoid contact with others is that their parents raised them to be considerate using fear as motivation. They say, "Excuse me", when they pass next to another person at the supermarket, they always move out of others' way first and they never ever interrupt.

The problem is that besides these behaviors, kids also learn they are not as valuable or worthy as other people are. If shopping at a public place requires an apology, if I always need to make way to others and if I need others to decide when it is my turn to speak, then I am not worth as much as other people. Maybe I am even worthless.

Of course, my parents are good, right? So who is to blame for my feeling of worthlessness? Those other horrible people who keep shopping at the same aisles, passing me in narrow places and talking and talking and talking. These people are so horrible, I want nothing to do with them.

In order to enjoy interacting with people, we need to believe that they are just like us, that they mean well, that they may be worried, that their parents may have taught them stuff they should not have too and that if we do not get close enough to them, we will never get to know them.

Being friendly on the street, dealing with one other person and social mingling are different things and there are other things that may affect your outcomes, such as you communication styles and love languages. For example, visual people do better in a crowd, because they can handle the auditory overload better, while digital people do better when there is something useful to discuss, but by feeling comfortable in the presence of other human beings, everybody does better.

So check your beliefs about other people, check how you behave towards people you do not know and when you meet new people, imagine there is a frightened little child inside them, pulling their strings. Then, look at that child, smile at him or her and help them come out to play ... with your frightened inner child.

Social skills for children

As parents, we can talk to our kids about the importance of social skills until we are blue in the face. What we do matters a lot more. It is hard to convince someone to do something you obviously struggle to do yourself.

If you are afraid of strangers, your kids will most likely be too. If you smile a lot, your kids will most likely smile a lot too. Your call.

Make eye contact,
Gal

You may want to read

• A Question of Identity
• Stronger Together
• More Control – Less Power

Steve Carell makes movies that are full of embarrassing moments and this usually turns me off. I see him as the American version of Mr. Bean. I also find his acting melodramatic and externalized and I generally prefer subtle and deep. In this film, he was not only the main character, he was also the producer, which should have had me running in the other direction, except I only found that out in the final credits, and by that time, I already had a lot of respect for him.

If you have not seen Crazy, Stupid, Love, it starts with a marriage breakdown and divorce, continues through the attempted recovery of both partners and their children and at the same time, weaves in the generational difference between the old one-partner-from-a-young-age and the new ongoing-partying-and-casual-sex-until-thirty-something. Here is the trailer (see you on the other side):

A web of good people

What I found special about this movie is that unlike the typical good-vs-bad attitude and one-sided story lines we see a lot, this story shows how good, well-meaning people can be hurt and their lives can be complicated. It shows each character close up and personal, so their point of view keeps making sense, but the clashes and awkward moments are painfully inevitable.

Good parenting comes first

The Weavers got together when they were young and had kids early, but they are great parents. They clearly love their children and respect them as human beings. They have meaningful conversations and actually listen to them, even when the kids speak the naked truth.

I loved this, because there are some excellent examples in the film for how to be honest with your kids, how to communicate with them at eye level and how to benefit from their perspective. I loved it even more because they managed to stay great parents despite their marriage problems and personal struggles (Cal Weaver is such a pushover at the start of the film).

The Weaver children have their difficulties too, and they express those in various (and sometimes dysfunctional) ways, but in general, they are really good kids who love their parents and describe how they feel in surprising clarity. Many parents might sit in the cinema and think, "Yeah, right, like a 13-year-old would ever do THAT", but my 15-year-old son is now going through some challenging times and handling them even better.

Common marriage problems

The relationship problems shown in the movie are very common these days. With the divorce rate hovering around 50% in the USA and Australia, it is also very common for these marriage problems to end in a divorce and for the couple to become two single parents and struggle to restore their self-esteem and stability in life.

But marriages that last still suffer erosion and married couples who stay together still lose the romance and the passion sometimes. Feeling unheard, unappreciated and even unloved is part of every couple's life. If they pay attention and refocus their relationship, it lasts, but if they let things slide too long, divorce can seem like a blessing.

What makes a man

Young Jacob is rich by inheritance and spends his days in leisure and his nights in pleasure with young women. He is very confident about his manhood and makes Cal look pathetic.

This brings up the question "What makes you a man?" Is it the number of women you sleep with? Is it the ease with which you can get an unfamiliar woman to go to bed with you? Is it the way you dress, the shoes you wear or your hairstyle? Is it your sculpted muscles and physical strength?

Cal is so out of his depth in the nightclub, Jacob is almost a god to him with his smooth ways and confidence-boosting methods. But at some point, the first woman goes home with him and they have a good time, and after that, it becomes easy.

In a nice twist of events, Jacob then faces feelings of love for the first time and panics. In all his conquests, his way to the girls' hearts was to shower them with interest and attention, which also saved him from having to expose himself and being vulnerable. But when this special girl wants to know him better, he freaks out so much, he calls Cal for advice.

Recently, I touched on the self-doubt of men who have only been with one partner in How to Be Faithful. I think Crazy, Stupid, Love does a wonderful job of taking us along the path of either choice (Jacob's and Cal's) and showing us that neither is perfect and neither is better than the other.

Soul mates

The term "soul mate" is used a lot in the film, even overused, but there is a scene in which Cal tells Emily (his ex-wife who had cheated on him) about his one-night stands and she is appalled. For a second, we are with her, thinking, "How could you?" but then he says to her, "I was trying to move on".

Emily felt bad in their marriage, slept with a coworker and initiated a divorce, but she feels justified in criticizing Cal for sleeping with other women. After all, they were soul mates...

But divorce involves a lot of loss and grief, with both partners feeling like a part of their soul is indeed ripped out of them. Many divorcees keep track of their ex-partner's social profiles, ask mutual friends about their life and compare every subsequent potential partner to their ex.

Whether or not we are soul mates when we start our relationship, our souls gradually become connected through hardships and joy, through pregnancies, deliveries and sleepless nights, through first teeth and first steps, through driving lessons and exams, through lost jobs and new jobs, moving houses, changing cars and all those other joint experiences that leave their emotional marks on us.

Next to these things, having sex with someone else is a small thing, but we do not always remember that.

I came away from the movie with a lot of love in my heart. In the past few days, there is more love in everything I do, more softness, more attention and more respect. I checked the patterns of my life against scenes from the movie and compared myself with the characters in it.

In the end, I realized (again) that love may be crazy, but it is certainly not stupid.

Happy marriage, relationship and parenting,
Gal

You may want to read

• TV Diet (6): Disposable relationships
• Put a Little Love in Your Heart
• Disengage Your Autopilot

In my relationship coaching, I have discovered there are two more traps that are signs the relationship is going nowhere and may be heading for a breakdown. One of them is the "intention" trap and the other one is the "blame" trap.

The intention trap

Everyone wants to feel good in their relationships. We give ourselves to the other person and we want a good feeling in return. Usually, we find a partner who makes us feel great. At the beginning of the relationship, we want to spend lots of time together, we constantly want to be with him or her and when we are not together, we imagine us being together.

Our marriage is good when we look forward to the time we will spend together, because it boosts our self-esteem and motivates us.

Over time, this excitement gives way to stress, work and kids, and many couples just wait for the moment things are quiet, so they can veg in front of the TV, hit the bed, sleep in on the weekends or go away on a holiday. Most of their time is not filled with fun and the fun bits are pushed to the side. When we push too much of our "fun time together" to the side, the arguments start.

I do not think I have ever learned how to argue and in marriage. Strange as it may seem, I believe it is very important to learn how to argue, because if we do not argue fairly, we increase the stress and the pressure and decrease the fun time together.

Why are they saying it?

One big problem of many arguments is our assumptions about the other party's intention. Feeling uncomfortable, fearful, unhappy, ignored, criticized, belittled, scared, humiliated and all those other not-so-good feelings that come with any argument, we ask ourselves, "Why is he/she saying it?" But we do not stop to ask the other person why they are saying it. We assume that if we feel something, it means the other person meant for us to feel like that.

For example, a couple is arguing. Ben says, "We don't spend enough time together. I'd like us to go to the movies more often". Denise says, "I don't have time for movies. I'm exhausted in the evenings. You don't know what it's like running around after the kids the whole day. You don't appreciate what I go through". That ends what could have been a nice evening and each partner goes to his or her "corner".

People like playing "mind readers" and it is very hard for them to understand that they can feel bad without the other person having any intention of making them feel bad. When the arguments change course and we express our assumptions about the other person's bad intention, the other person immediately defends their intention and now two people are hurt, one because he/she assumes the other wanted to hurt him/her and the other because her/his partner assumes she/he had bad intentions. It is a formula for a marriage breakdown.

Suddenly, the couple no longer talks about the topic of their disagreement but the bad feelings they both have. Every time we assume there is a bad intention, we can guarantee there will be a nasty argument. Getting out of this trap is very complicated, because both sides are hurt. One wants to lick his/her wounds and the other wants to explain her/his original intention. When people are hurt, their conversation is not very practical. Remember, we are in a relationship because we want to feel good and if we feel bad, the longer we argue, the worse we feel.

The best way to deal this problem is not to get into it and we can do it with awareness. As long as you say, "I feel, I think, I am not happy", it is an expression of your own thoughts and feelings, but as soon as you say, "you", you have to be very careful what you are saying. Let's look at our example again.

Ben says, "We don't spend enough time together. I'd like us to go to the movies more often". Denise says, "I don't have time for movies. I'm exhausted in the evenings". So far, so good. Then she says, "You don't know what it's like running around after the kids the whole day. You don't appreciate what I go through".

Denise falls into the intention trap when she says, "You don't know..." and "You don't appreciate..." Feeling exhausted and not having time does not mean Ben does not know or does not appreciate. In fact, Ben suggests going out because he thinks Denise needs a break from running around after the kids the whole day and working hard. He wanted to suggest they get a babysitter and spend some relaxed time together doing something they both love doing, but the conversation never got there.

As you would suspect, this conversation did not go well. Ben had good intentions, Denise vented and the issue stopped being spending more fun time together and started being who intended what.

Typical "intention" traps

"You make me feel..." - no one can force you to feel anything. Sometimes, I wish it was not true. I would love to force my husband, my kids, even my clients to think they are loved, awesome and powerful.

"Are you saying I'm...?" - notice that this is an interpretation of what the other person is saying. He/she did not say that. He/she said something else, so when you ask this question, you are basically saying, "I interpret this sentence as..." Take ownership of your interpretation and restate it as such.

"You only want me to think..." - that is not necessarily true. The other person may want you to think something else. Don't read minds. You are not mind readers.

"You don't think I know that?" - if you say instead, "I know that", you can continue the conversation without falling into the "intention trap". People say things even if you know them. Just move on.

"You don't understand..." - you do not know what happens in the other person's mind. Understanding is a very high brain function. Make sure you do not confuse "You don't do things the way I expect them" with "You don't understand". There is a very probable option that the other side understands perfectly, but still does not want to do things that way.

"You don't listen to me" - this sentence is an oxymoron. Notice that you are using this to request that the other side will listen to you and you assume that listening will guarantee the other person will agree. There is an option that the other person has heard you clearly and still does not agree.

"Do you think it is fair to..." - this sentence assumes the other person did not think about fairness and that their intentions were towards "unfairness". It is another way of saying, "I think you are not fair". Rephrase it to "I think that if we do it <this way>, that would be fair". Remember, "I" statements will ensure you are be trapped in the "intention" cycle.

"You're mad at me..." - it is very important not to risk interpreting someone else's intentions. It is possible he/she is mad, but it is better to let them say it than to say it on their behalf. It is possible that what they are expressing is frustration or helplessness or that they are just tired.

"What have I done that make you treat me like this?" - this is a formula for disaster. There is the assumption that you have done something that caused someone to treat you a certain way or that there is some justification for the other person to treat you like that. The behavior could be caused by a pattern that originated during childhood or that the person is tired and confused and it has nothing to do with you.

At first, you need to notice you are doing it and make a conscious decision to stop. When you notice you were not aware and have said something about your partner's intentions, back up! You are not a mind reader and you will get it wrong more often than not. Assuming you know what your partner intended is a formula for a nasty relationship that will end up in hard feelings and eventually a marriage breakdown.

I promise that if you count how many times you use "intention" sentences in your arguments and shrink them, the cracks in the relationship will shrink too.

Happy marriage,
Ronit

You may want to read

• More Control – Less Power
• How to Manage Difficult People: Who is Not Difficult
• How to Manage Difficult People: More Difficult People

Today, I want to give you an example of how a simple exercise changed my view of my marriage with Ronit for the better and, in fact, improved the way I interact with everybody in my life.

This was before Ronit and I discovered communication styles and love languages and I had a strong feeling I was going out of my way to make Ronit happy, but she was doing very little to do the same for me. I thought this was unfair and I was frustrated.

Fortunately, I had a session with my life coach, Sheryl, that week.

I started pouring my frustration as soon as I sat down. If you have ever been to life coaching, you know you can only do this for a very short time.

"Gal, I get that you are upset and that from your point of view, things aren't equal in your relationship", Sheryl said.

"They sure are", I said.

"But by now, you already know that what matters most is your perception of the world, not how the world is. So let's look at your choices and your focus, OK?"

I nodded in apprehension, because I knew what was coming. I was going to have to adjust MY end if I wanted to be happy and that stank. Here I was doing all that stuff for the sake of our marriage, getting next to nothing in return for my efforts and now I would have to adjust MY focus?

"In a typical day, how many things would you say you do to keep or improve your relationship with Ronit?" Sheryl asked.

"Lots", I said, "Ten easily".

"And how many similarly good things would you say Ronit does?" she asked.

"One or two, sometimes none", I said bitterly.

"Are you sure?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think she notices all the good things you do every day? Does she show her appreciation every time?" Sheryl asked.

"No, and that's even more frustrating. She doesn't even notice sometimes", I complained.

"Is it possible the same is also true in reverse? Is it possible that Ronit does a lot more for you and for her relationship with you, but you don't notice?"

"Hmmm", I felt a lesson coming on.

"When you do something for another person, you may plan it for a while, then you do it with a certain intention, but the other person may be completely unaware of any of it", she explained, "They certainly don't know what you're planning, they can't see your intention and they may even miss what you do if they're busy or if this is not something meaningful to them".

"OK, so you're saying maybe Ronit isn't noticing all this stuff I do for us?"

"What I'm saying is that she may be missing your good deeds, but also that YOU may be missing hers".

Kaboom!

"Well, I'll never be able to see into her mind", I said, "So what can I do about it?"

"I suggest that you spend a week paying close attention to everything Ronit does and says and ask yourself if it could be a way to make you feel better or improve your relationship. Particularly, notice the things Ronit likes herself, because when she does to you something that would make her feel good, it is probably because she thinks it will make you feel good too. After all, we see the world through our own eyes", Sheryl said.

So the following week, I put a little notepad in my pocket and made a list of the things I noticed. Initially, the list grew slowly, but within a couple of days I could recognize "the good stuff" a lot more easily, particularly anything that happened more than once.

I later discovered that Ronit's love languages are Affirmations and Services. During that week, I still did not know that, but I listed many compliments, words of thanks, encouragements, cups of coffee, yummy sandwiches and other things.

At the end of the week, I had 74 items on my list. I had noticed 74 things Ronit had said or done that I interpreted as being for the benefit of your relationship or for me personally.

The week before my life coaching session, there had been none. OK, maybe there was one.

This was clearly not because Ronit started behaving differently all of a sudden. The week before, I had totally missed a similar number of statements and actions. In fact, I was not sure if 74 was everything. I might have missed a few still.

That really blew me away. Since then, whenever I get a similar feeling that things are unfair, that I work harder and do more, I spend some time counting the good stuff the other person does. With practice, I no longer need a whole week. I sort of put myself in "paying attention to good things" mode and after noticing a few of them, my feeling changes.

You should try is sometime.

Happy marriage/relationship,
Gal

You may want to read

• Put a Little Love in Your Heart
• Make Eye Contact
• Winners vs. Whiners