At the headquarters of National Semiconductor in Santa Clara, California, there was a sign posted on the wall of a corridor, which read

Doing no more than the average is what brings the average down

Let's say 10 people do their best work digging holes. On average, they dig 5 holes a day, because 1 digs 7 holes, 2 dig 6 holes, 4 dig 5 holes, 2 dig 4 holes and 1 digs 3 holes.

On their second week of work, they are told about the group's average performance. Those who dug more than 5 holes in the previous week feel like they gave more than the rest, so they all slow down and dig 5 holes each. So 7 people now dig 5 holes each, while the others continue as before.

The new average? 4.6 holes per person per day. So by doing no more than the (previous) average, a new average is created, which is lower, and this could continue until everybody digs 3 holes a day, like the slowest worker.

How is this related to the divorce rate?

In the past, divorce was unacceptable in many societies. Once people got married, which was often by parental arrangement, they were stuck with their partners for life. Marriage was literally "until death do us part". Being married for life was what everybody did. The average divorce rate was 0%.

Believing that ending their marriage while both partners were alive was not an option, the only available course of action was to make the marriage work. Sometimes, that was just as much fun as digging holes, but everyone dug 7 a day and kept their mouths shut.

Now, when you try to make a marriage work and you are committed to it for the long haul, you make decisions accordingly. You join bank accounts, split the responsibilities for best household performance and comfort, do your best to get to know your partner and try to be accommodating. In return, you could also rely on your partner to be there for you in times of difficulty, simply because he or she was as committed to the marriage as you were.

But even before the marriage started, young people (or their parents) spent time considering "the right person", the person they would commit the rest of their life to and that would commit theirs back to them. In every society, the values and preferred qualities were different, but still, there was more of an effort to make the best choice of partner.

At some point, perhaps because of exposure to other ways of life and alternative sets of beliefs, divorce became an option. At first, it was easier on the men, then it became easier on the women, but the floodgates were opened.

After that, the average started to crawl upwards. Knowing another person, maybe even a friend or a relative, who had divorced, gave unconscious permission to others to do the same. Celebrities' divorces started to make the whole thing fashionable. Why, if so-and-so could get a divorce and remain beautiful, rich and famous, anybody could.

Of course, when you think of your marriage as a temporary arrangement, from which you can always "bale out", your decisions are all different. You always have to cover yourself in the event of your marriage's untimely demise.

So you keep a personal bank account "on the side". Just in case. Who knows when you might need it? And you keep in touch with some friends from your past who have shown an interest in you. Just in case. Who knows when you might have to spend the night somewhere else?

But you also approach your partner in a more cautious way. On the surface, it may be presented as respect, but maybe there is more than a little bit of fear in it. Fear of causing a big enough fight, of losing the relationship, of losing the kids, the house, the comfort.

I know some people who live in "his house" or drive "her car". Living in someone else's house must feel like living on charity. It is not a good foundation for an equal relationship.

In "blended families", people may even struggle with the question "Whose child is this?" If a man marries a woman with a 2-year-old child, at which point does he become the kids' dad? Does he ever? What if he wants to tell the kid to go to bed at 11pm? Does he have the right?

And the more divorces, the more permission to divorce and the more divorces still. After all, "Everybody's doing it".

If this is not enough, divorces have created such a big market that dating sites provide a lot more than 50 ways to leave your lover. "Family" lawyers abound who will help you prepare such prenuptial agreements you will start suspecting your prospective partner before you even say, "I do", and you will have that agreement on your mind in difficult times to help you calculate the benefits of breaking up the marriage.

Of course, with a strong "prenup", you can jump into marriage with just about anyone, because you can always get out of it in a hurry too.

Kids? Nope, nothing in the prenup about them. Tough (for them, anyway).

Now, all of the above is my interpretation of how it works, but I can tell you there are people I know who demonstrate these differences in attitude so well, I feel it is about right.

Bottom line:

1. Forget what everybody is doing and do the best you can in your own marriage
2. If you are not married (again) yet, consider communication styles, love language, beliefs and values before joining hands (civil or religious, it does not matter)
3. Imagine a full life with your partner, including having kids, moving, making money, losing money, having a mid-life crisis (one each), kids leaving home, retirement and old age (may we all get to that in peace), and be ready for them
4. Commit yourself wholeheartedly to that one special person and decide to see your relationship as breakable only by death, and maybe not even that (who knows?). Make every decision within the marriage framework and make every decision count
5. Share ownership of everything you own officially. In our modern times, this is one of the strongest ways to demonstrate your commitment - putting your money where your mouth is
6. Invest in yourself as a person. It is much easier being together when you are happy
7. Develop your relationship skills and invest in your partner and your marriage
8. Children of divorced parents hurt for life. Remember your responsibility for your kids and always consider how your decisions affect them
9. Keep an image of your partner from when you decided to tie your lives together. This can be a picture or anything else that reminds you how you felt about him or her. Use this image to strengthen your commitment and to help you notice these things in your partner every day

Just to clarify, "marriage" is any exclusive adult relationship that involves living together and sharing resources, especially when children are involved.

Happy marriage,
Gal

You may want to read

• Crazy, Stupid, Love
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Gender
• Ronit’s Parenting Bible: Manners

Couples that are still together do not have fewer difficulties. They sort them out before they get out of control.

In my relationship coaching program, I hear many couples use statements that make fun of commitment, mock stability and relationships and encourage giving up the marriage as an easy, accepted and preferable thing. They have read them on the Internet, seen them in "funny" PowerPoint presentations or watched them in video clips.

One of my clients is going through a divorce over something that could be easily fixed if both partners could sit together and talk. They had an argument over money. She wanted 150K, he wanted to give her 90K and to sort this out, they have had to hire lawyers, go to court and pay the 60K the argued over in fees. So forget about it, because divorce is never easy!

If you check the beliefs of divorcées about marriage, you will find that they always have the wrong ones - those witty, mocking, sarcastic beliefs.

My suggestion is to make sure you swap them with good beliefs. To help you do it, I have gathered the best marriage quotes I could find. I hope you will find some you like and can adopt, and I hope you can make good use of them.

What I've Learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean they don't love you all they can.

I've learned that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

I've learned that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.

- Omer Washington

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years
- Simone Signoret

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person
- Mignon McLaughlin

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers
- Ruth Bell Graham

Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry
- Tom Mullen

Each divorce is the death of a small civilization.
- Pat Conroy

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time
- Thomas Edison

Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of becoming passionate friends
- Harville Hendrix

To get divorced because love has died, is like selling your car because it's run out of gas
- Diane Sollee

Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation
- Oscar Wilde

As for his secret to staying married, my wife tells me that if I ever
decide to leave, she is coming with me
- Jon Bon Jovi

They say it takes a village to raise a child. That may be the case, but the truth is that it takes a lot of solid, stable marriages to create a village
- Diane Sollee

I am convinced that if we as a society work diligently in every other area of life and neglect the family, it would be analogous to straightening deck chairs on the Titanic.
- Stephen Covey

Divorce is like an amputation. Sometimes it's necessary but it should be avoided if at all possible because it brings about a permanent disability
- Bill Doherty

Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside
- Frank Pittman

It is sometimes essential for a husband and a wife to quarrel - they get to know each other better
- Goethe

I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I'll be the first to admit that it's possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you
- Zig Ziglar

I like not only to be loved, but to be told that I am loved; the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave
- George Eliot

The goal is to have a conversation in a way so that you can have another conversation tomorrow
- Unknown

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up
- Joseph Barth

Sex is a conversation carried out by other means. If you get on well out of bed, half the problems of bed are solved
- Peter Ustinov

For wherever you go, I will go,
And wherever you lodge, I will lodge,
Your people will be my people,
And, your God, my God
- Ruth 1:16

Love doesn't commit suicide. We have to kill it. Though, it's true that it often simply dies of our neglect
- Diane Sollee

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you
- Winnie the Pooh

The success of marriage comes not in finding the "right" person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married
- John Fischer

Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly
understood that they are on the same side
- Zig Ziglar

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each
other but in looking outward together in the same direction
- Antoine De Saint-Exupery

A good marriage is a contest of generosity
- Diane Sawyer

Let there be spaces in your togetherness
- Khalil Gibran

Be presidents of each other's fan clubs
- Tony Heath

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, the grounds for marriage
- Robert Anderson

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and
another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a lot of overlap
- Mignon McLaughlin

Choose your love, then love your choice
- Unknown

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through
every circumstance
- I Corinthians 13:7

When marrying, ask yourself this question:
Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with
this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Marriage, families, all relationships are more a process of learning
the dance rather than finding the right dancer
- Paul Pearsall

There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a
door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side
of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps
- Ronald Reagan

Marriage is our society's most pro-child institution. If you want kids to do well, then you want marriage to do well
- David Blankenhorn

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're still alive
- Olando Battista

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother
- Theodore Hesburgh

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage
- Lao Tzu

Unfortunately, there are too many sarcastic quotes out there that plant the seed of giving up. I hope the ones I included here will change this for you. Pick the ones you like and post them where you can read them every day. If you read them over and over again, they will eventually become part of your happy marriage.

Love and friendship,
Ronit

You may want to read

• Easy Divorce
• Crazy, Stupid, Love
• How to be Faithful

The problem with pressure is that it also damages our ability to reason and function severely. It interferes with remembering things, with being creating and with our perception of what goes on around us. We see the world through narrow slits in a thick armor, we see everything tinted bright red, we hear everything pitchy and sharp and very little makes sense.

Intense pressure can even make us feel like there is no hope and nobody to help us. It is as if we are invisible.

A long time ago, I saw a movie, I think it was Ordinary People, where a mother walked over to her teenage son, touched him gently and said, "I see you". That line stuck with me and I have used the idea in it many times with the people I love.

In another movie, Dune, people fight with invisible shields, which are very effective at blocking quick, strong sword movements. When fighting a person using this type of shield, the only way to defeat them is with a slow moving movement, like sticking a knife in while distracting their attention.

I think the "I see you" method works well because the other person is using an invisible shield that is very effective at blocking direct methods, like advice, jokes and uninvited help. It works especially well with teenagers, who see many things as threats to their identity and independence.

When we see someone we care about under pressure, we often try to help by finding out about their problem and then offering a solution. Other times, there may be a conflict between what we need and what the other person needs, which makes us focus on getting what we need. Both of these methods generally fail when there is enough stress involved.

You see, albeit irrational, most people translate having a problem to "I'm not good enough". If you try to help them, it just means they were not good enough to solve their own problem. If you focus on yourself, that is yet another thing they have to deal with.

A better approach is to validate the person, to make them feel good about themselves despite what they might be dealing with and to reassure them that they are not alone.

When Ronit and I go to bed at night, no matter what happened during that day, no matter what I still have to do the following day (and maybe even later), no matter if we talk about our challenges and find solutions or not, I still get to cuddle with her and all my worries dissolve. My body just lets go of the pressure and I surrender to the softness and warmth of her embrace.

Unfortunately for our kids, they have nobody to cuddle with in bed. Unfortunately for all of us, our daily pressures build up so quickly sometimes that going 16 hours until we can feel accepted and validated again seems like a very long time.

So in-between, we can send little signs of affirmation to one another, particularly when we can see someone who is under pressure. We can let them know that we see them, that we are there for them and that we care about them even when they are hard on themselves.

Here are some ways to say, "I see you":

• Catch their eye and smile
• Blow them a kiss
• Walk over to them and put your hand on their shoulder for a while. According to Reiki, this is a way to give them positive energy, which their body will use as it needs. This is a gentle way of distracting them from their mental down-spiral and giving them something warm to focus on
• Give them a hug and hold on until you feel them relax (typically, they will take a deep breath just before). If the person is sitting down, try something else first, but if they are standing, a hug should be great. Offer the hug without words, if you can. Stretching your arms out should be obvious enough. If you need to say something, rather than saying, "Give me a hug", say, "How about a hug?" and wait for approval.
• If you know they like it, stroke their hair, massage their shoulders or hold their face in your hands. As you do, try to turn their gaze upwards. Our brain is wired so that negative thoughts are only possible when we look down and looking up is all about the future
• Pressure is a lot easier to handle when you have had enough sleep, enough water and enough food. Cater to their physical needs
• Give them space by keeping things quiet and by taking care of things that might add to their burden, like making dinner or washing the dishes. When Ronit is particularly busy, she really appreciates the person who takes care of dinner, because it is one less thing she needs to worry about
• Give them a little note saying, "I love you", "I'm here for you" or even "Bad day?" You can also put a flower down beside them as a symbolic note
• Tell them, "I see you", and explain what it means when you do it the first time. This can become part of your "secret code" with your children and your partner

Whatever you do, approach slowly and gently and focus on making the other person feel good overall.

If you can relate to any of this, you can also share it with the people who love you and let them know they can help you in times of stress in the same ways. Although they want to support you, they may not know how and this will make everybody feel better at the same time.

Handling pressure is a modern-day necessity. By learning how to relieve other people's pressure, including your kids, you will also model kind and powerful behavior to them and equip them with the skills to be happy in life.

Happy days,
Gal

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach
• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person

If you lose your job, your certainty tank is emptied all of a sudden. If you divorce, your love and connection tank goes down so quickly your life will be hard for a while. If you have a new job and you need to work exactly at the same times of the day and you need to accumulate lots of working days until you can have a holiday, then your variety level is at risk. If you have just joined a sewing club, where everyone there is so advanced you need to catch up, then your significance may suffer.

Personal development is a very good way to learn to fill our tanks. We learn to balance ourselves by discovering who we are, how we think, how we function and what makes us happy and successful. It is very important to know that the balance is different from one person to another. What one sees balance might feel out of balance for another. When we consider needs, they also contradict each other sometimes.

Conflicting needs

Our four needs are in constant conflict with each other and require each person to balance them based on his or her definition of balance.

When we have too much certainty, things are always the same, it gets boring and we seek variety.

When we have too much variety, too many things change too often, it is overwhelming and we seek certainty.

When we have too much love and connection, when everything we do connects us with others, we no longer feel special enough and we seek significance.

When we have too much significance, we feel so different from everybody else it is harder for us to connect to others and we seek love and connection.

We continually shift from one to the other based on our definition of what the needs are and what balance is for us.

I can give you an example from my own life. When we travelled the world and lived in different places, everyone around thought we had too much variety and not enough certainly. I thought the balance was just perfect. My need for variety was very high and I got my certainly from being close to my family, having each other and having a good financial backup. So what seemed unbalanced to others was very balanced to me.

Difficult people have a hole in one of their need tanks or a very high tank that is hard to fill. I can tell you that my need for variety is so high that I change the direction of the sofa, my bed and the dining table once a month. I even choose work that has a variety of things, because I find it hard to do the same things all day, every day.

At different times of our life, our needs changes. When we moved to Australia, which was our most energy-consuming move, I felt I needed more certainly and stopped travelling as we did before. Recently, we started having "the itch" for travelling again.

If you want to find your highest needs, do the following exercise. Remember, the results are only true now. If you do it again in a month, you may find you have changed a bit.

Rate the needs from 1-10 (1 = low need, 10= high need):

• Certainty - I want things to be stable, predictable and reliable. I want to feel secure and safe
• Variety - I want things to be interesting, exciting and moving. I want to try new things and have lots of different experiences
• Love and connection - I want to belong, to feel accepted and supported. I want people to like me and enjoy my company
• Significance - I want to stand out and be special and unique. I want to feel exceptional, valuable and important

Your highest need is the one you have a hole in and that needs boosting when you are being difficult. If you are helping a child, remember to tell them that we all have these needs and maybe share yours with them, so they do not feel too exposed. Match the explanation to their level of understand and ask, "From 1-10, how much do you think you want to be special? How much do you want to feel safe and know what's going to happen ahead of time? How much do you want to be with other people who like you? How much do you want things to be different and exciting?"

Now, your goal is to fill the empty tank!

Holistic need fulfillment

People are holistic beings - our needs do not sit in the brain in separate compartments. I can get variety from making fun of people or get from changing the direction of my bed. I can get significance from showing off or from being kind. We can borrow from one area of life to use in another. Our tanks have no filters, so every kind of variety and significance is welcome.

Here is a list of things we can do to satisfy each of our needs:

Certainty

• Have a daily routine and do the same things every day, at least in the morning
• Keep a diary and schedule your appointments and activities in advance
• Have a spiritual faith and practice regularly
• Exercise regularly
• Have a stable job - same hours, same days, same tasks
• Plan a party before you have it
• Plane your weekly schedule on Sunday night
• Plan your food for the week in advance
• Keep a work roster - any planning gains certainty
• Keep your workspace, bag and room organized
• Clean regularly

Variety

• Play sports
• Go to the movies
• Travel to new places
• Have stimulating conversations about new topics
• Meet new people
• Do art - paint, sculpt, create
• Throw a party
• Go to concerts
• Take a holiday
• Learn something new
• Volunteer (may also give love & connection and significance)
• Go out to a restaurant
• Read a new book
• Break your routine, at least on weekends

Significance

• Become an expert and specialize in something
• Helping others
• Volunteer
• Teach
• Buy special clothes
• Be kind
• Be in a relationship - it makes you the most important person in someone's life (also good for love & connection and possibly certainty)
• Be a parent - oh, the pride
• Have a (great) profession
• Learn a (rare) skill
• Pursue a talent - solo music, art or individual sport
• Be a leader
• Get degrees and other formal qualifications
• Have a (special) hobby
• Collect something (rare)
• Be really good at our job

Love & Connection

All you need is love
- John Lennon

• Play team sports
• Join a club
• Go to spiritual gatherings
• Join a community group
• Be in a relationship
• Have children
• Teach
• Be a leader
• Have friends
• Help others
• Volunteer
• Have a party or go to a party
• Go out on a date or with friends
• Keep in touch by email, phone or Skype
• Send birthday/holiday cards to family and friends
• Spend time on social media sites and grow your circle(s) of "friends"
• Go to (or organize) family gatherings

If we can direct the difficult people to fill their highest need tank or create the circumstances that fill it for them, their demands will decrease. Our aim is to reach a point where the level of the difficulty is not so severe that others avoid their company. Remember, their difficult behavior creates a cycle of avoidance, which makes it even harder for them to notice and learn the social cues. We have to bring them back into society and interaction, because they will just keep doing everything they can, even if it is not comfortable to others, to fulfill their needs.

If you are a difficult person (at least in someone's view), I hope this series was helpful for you and you will now begin of a new life where others do not avoid your company. If you are helping a difficult person, I hope the tips here were helpful for you to support and help with grace.

As I said at the beginning, if you are aware of your difficulties, you can get help from a professional and you can get help from someone who loves you. Remember, you cannot force loved ones to help you. They need to be willing and they need to have the emotional stamina to be able to help you.

Your third option is to get a mentor - someone who is not close to you who is willing to stick around and help you go through this process. With awareness and persistence, the sky is the limit.

Happy life,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person
• How to Manage Difficult People: What They Really Need

Difficult behavior is always a sign that there is an unfulfilled need. Most of the time, everybody focuses on the desires the difficult people express and not on their needs, while the difficult people are so stuck on what they want that they are not at all in a position to fulfill their own needs.

That can be changed by you helping them find what they need and by helping them get it.

The following technique was developed by observing 2- and 3-year-old kids. At the age of 2, they start with the question phase. Here is a typical discussion I have had with my own children and many kids I have worked with.

"What's this?"

"It's a card game?"

"What's a card game?"

"It's a pack of cards with things printed on them that we use to play a matching game".

"What's a matching game?"

"It's a game where you have two cards that look exactly the same and you have to find them out of all the cards".

"Why do we have to play a matching game?"

"It's good for our brain. We learn to recognize things that are the same and others that are different".

"Why is it good for our brain?"

And this conversation can go on forever if I could manage answering questions forever. The trick is always to answer calmly. It is a game, a very healthy game, and children learn a lot from it. You could say that this type of questioning is difficult behavior, but I think it is your reaction that makes it a learning experience or a difficult behavior. If you answer calmly, it is a learning experience. If you answer with anger, it becomes a difficult behavior.

It is the same with adults. They need to learn something they do not know (yet). They need to learn what their needs are, and only then, they can fulfill them.

One of the best tips is to ask them "Why?" and "What?" These questions may not trigger the right answer and most of the time they will be puzzled by this, but if you keep asking even when they do not answer you, the answer will come from within.

Difficult people are not easy to manage, but they are not stupid. If you ask, "Why are you behaving like this?" or "What will happen if we do it differently?" enough times, they will start asking themselves these questions. Generally, our motives are not very clear to us. Most of us do not know why we behave the way we do, which is not that much of a problem, because we watch other people's reactions to us and learn that this is not a good strategy. But difficult people cannot read that their behavior is uncomfortable to others so they need to learn their motives in order to stop it.

The "Why?" and "What?" questions function as "Stop & think" signs and force people to go into hidden places and find the reason for this behavior.

A conversation with an "expert" would go like this (remember, the questions are genuine, not sarcastic. They are calm and kind):

"Tell me, Mark, why do you have to tell everyone that you know everything about property?"

"Because I do know everything about property".

"I know that you know lots about property. Why is it important that everyone else knows it?"

"So they can ask me questions if they need to".

"Why do they need to ask you questions?"

"So they can buy the right property".

"What happens if they buy a property without asking you?"

"They will make a mistake and regret it?"

"What happens if they make a mistake and regret it?"

"They will blame me for not giving them the right advice".

"Why would they blame you if they didn't ask you in the first place?"

Remember, the answer does not matter. You need to keep asking until the difficult person gives up. When they give up, it is a sign they have learned something about themselves and their motives.

Here is another example of a conversation with a Dinosaur:

"Tell me Jill, why do you always talk about the past as if it was the best thing?"

"Because I think it was better in the past".

"I can understand that there are some things that were better in the past. Why do you have to repeat it again and again?

"I don't repeat it again and again. We talked about something and I shared my opinion".

"Why are you trying to convince everyone that everything that's happening in our time is not good and that the old way of doing things is the right way?"

"Because I think it is the right way".

"I know that you think that. What would you get if everyone thought exactly like you?"

"Maybe I wouldn't have to convince them".

"Why do you want to convince them?"

"I want them to be able to see that modern things are not better".

"And what would they do if they saw that modern things were not better?"

Again, the idea is to keep the conversation, to keep asking "Why?" and "What?" - "What do you get by..." and "What if..." or "What if not...".

When using this technique, do not be tempted to tell the other person that others do not feel comfortable with his or her behavior, because this will trigger their defense mechanism and will not allow the difficult person to examine his or her motives. Telling difficult people that everyone thinks they are difficult may be the truth, but it is not helpful. A person in denial will not be impressed by it and start blaming everyone else for his or her own behavior.

A good conversation is a conversation that leads to one of the 4 needs, something like "I want to feel that someone needs me", "I want to feel important", "I want to make the conversation interesting and fun" or "I just want to feel safe".

Remember, be like a child that asks without judgment. Ask in a curious way. Ask to know what is going on in this person's head and never ever use sarcasm in your questions. Sarcasm is a form of violence and when you use it, you become a difficult person yourself.

Examples of sarcastic questions:

• "Do you really think anyone cares that you know a lot about property?"
• "Why do you think anyone cares about your knowledge in science?"
• "Who do you think considers your behavior funny?"

Notice that sarcastic questions are not questions, although they have a question tone at the end. They judgmental statements disguised as questions.

If this is a child, this process is even easier. Children answer without many filters.

"Chloe, why did you make fun of Sarah?"

"She didn't play with me in the playground".

"Why didn't she play with you in the playground?"

"She went to play with her cousin".

"Why did she want to play with her cousin?"

"I don't know".

"Were you disappointed she went to play with her cousin?"

"Yes. She always plays only with me".

"Do you like playing with Sarah?"

"Yes, but not when she's not playing with me".

"Why do you like playing with Sarah?"

"She is my best friend".

"What happens if Sarah sometimes wants to play with someone else?"

"Then I'm by myself in the playground and it's not fun".

This conversation easily directs towards, "What can you do to feel better in the playground when Sarah is playing with someone else or when she is sick?" which will fill up the tank of love and connection.

Many parents, while helping a difficult child, fall in the trap of stating their conclusion, something like, "So you made fun of Sarah because you were jealous", which I think is unnecessary. These parents say, "I want her to be able to see the connection between the two. She needs to understand that she's made fun of Sarah as a result of her jealously". True, there is value in understanding this, but it is better to focus on the missing need, i.e. having someone to play with when her best friend is not there, and not on the "bad" behavior.

Generally, focusing on the negative behavior makes it grow. It is better to focus on the good behavior and if there is no good behavior, focus on fulfilling the need.

Using questions, it is also important to explore the difficult child's (or person's) own solution, rather than giving advice, because the real aim of the conversation is empowerment of the other person.

Join me next week for learning about the holistic approach to helping difficult people fill up their need tanks.

Happy times,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person
• How to Manage Difficult People: What They Really Need
• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach

Now that you understand the missing feeling that difficult people are searching for, you are probably asking yourself, "What do I do to give it to them?"

One of the biggest challenges of helping and supporting difficult people is the fear that giving them what they want will make them think their obnoxious behavior is a good strategy of getting what they want and it will only make things worse. I have heard this claim millions of times when working with children - "If a child is behaving in a bad way and you give him what he wants, he learns that this is a legitimate way to get what he wants".

Well, that is not the case.

Focus on needs, not desires

There is a big difference between giving children what they say they want and giving them what they need. Much like difficult people, children do not know that they behave the way the do to fulfill a need. If they knew, they would give themselves that thing without the difficult behavior.

If you focus on giving them what they need, then after a while, when the need is fulfilled, they will calm down and ease their demands. I am not saying, "Give them what they want", I am saying, "Give them what they really need". Give them what they are missing, because they do not know how to give it to themselves and may not even know what it is.

When you are afraid that giving difficult people what they want will make things worse, you are focusing on their desires, not on their needs. You are focusing on what they say they want and not on what they are truly missing. After all, if they knew what they needed and could give it themselves, they would not be difficult in the first place.

Think of a need as a tank. We all have four tanks of needs - certainty, variety, significance and love & connection - and when people behave in a difficult way, it is a sign the tank is not filled up to the buoy. Each tank has a size, shape, a buoy and a substance to put in it. The properties of the tank depend on our character traits, upbringing and circumstances in life. No two people, not even twins, have the same size and shape tanks.

When you make the decision to help someone with his or her needs, there are 3 risks involved that could backfire and make the relationship more problematic:

1. Thinking your way is the right way
2. Blaming or taking blame
3. Thinking that helping gives you extra rights

One size does not fit all

If you find yourself judging someone for their "empty tank", you send a message that all tanks must be the same and there is something wrong with the difficult person's tank. This will only increase the need and make things worse.

Judgment is not a solution. Avoid judgment at all costs! Your size tank and how empty or full it is does not mean yours is right and theirs is not. It only means you are in a better position to help.

Do not confuse responsibility with blame

Sometimes, when you decide to help a difficult person, your desire to help them crosses boundaries and you may feel that it is your responsibility (this is particularly true when you are the parent or the boss). Many who deal with difficult people think that there is something wrong they must be doing to make the other person behave that way. This is confusing taking responsibility with taking blame.

Blaming yourself for someone else's behavior interferes with your ability to help. The blame game is not healthy at all, so if you want to help and you think you can help, do it without taking any blame on yourself.

Also, make sure not to allow the difficult person to use your help to start their own blame game. Difficult people are in denial and they tend to blame others for their own problems. They might tell you they behave in an obnoxious way because of something you have done, said or have not said, so be very careful, because this makes for an abusive relationship and puts both sides in needy positions.

Helping someone does not make you superior

The other side of the blame game is feeling power over the difficult person and abusing this power. When you understand that difficult behavior is a sign of weakness, there is always the risk of using this understanding and knowledge to gain power over the difficult person, possibly for revenge.

As I said, being around difficult people is not easy and can be very energy consuming. Those who cannot take the easy way of avoiding the presence of a difficult person have a build-up of anger, resentment, discomfort and, in extreme cases, inadequacy. This may lead to desire for revenge when helping the difficult person.

Revenge is an unhealthy feeling that could turn you into an angry and difficult person yourself. Remember, when you are angry, you cannot help! To be able to give patience, kindness and love, you must have enough of them to share and revenge only empties your tank.

Another person's weakness does not make you stronger. That is only an illusion and that may backfire, make your relationship worse and consume more energy from you than before. If you decide to help, help with grace!

Join me next week for the most effective way to help a difficult person - a holistic approach to helping difficult people fill up their need tanks.

Happy times,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: What They Really Need
• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach

Needs are a complex issue. They are feelings that are so strong that you believe you cannot live without them. Each person's needs are very individual, but they definitely get them out of control. If you can control a need, it is no longer a need but more of a preference.

Many people confuse wishes, desires, preferences, values and needs. Although they all have something in common, they differ in intensity.

Try this activity to understand the difference between them:

• Make a list of 10 things you wish. Start each sentence with "I wish..." and include things you want, but do nothing to achieve. For example, "I wish I had time off to go see my new nephews who live overseas".
• Make a list of 10 things you want. Start each sentence with "I want..." and include concrete things you actually intend to achieve. For example, "I want to go on a cruise during the next school holiday".
• Make a list of 10 things you prefer. Start each sentence with "I prefer... and state two options, one of which you find better than the other. For example, "I prefer a cruise that leaves from the Gold Coast to one that leaves from Airlie Beach".
• Make a list of 10 things that are important to you and that you value. Start each sentence with "It's very important for me to..." and include things that help you make decisions and prioritize your life. For example, "It's very important for me to have dinner with my kids every evening".
• Make a list of 10 things you need and must have in your life. Start each sentence with "I need..." and include things you cannot compromise on. For example, "I need to get 8 hours of sleep every night".

If you look at your own lists, you will find that needs create a small sense of panic. They make you think something like, "I must have/do this or..."

Or what?

If you have a discussion or an interaction with a difficult person and you feel their demands are a bit too strong and that they are having a little panic about their request, ask them, "What will happen if you don't get it?" or "What will happen if things don't happen the way you want them?" or "What's the worst thing that can happen?"

This question creates a loop in their brain and the answer does not matter. Their subconscious will answer itself and lower the difficult person's tension from "I absolutely must have it" to "OK, well, I won't die without it, so maybe it's not the end of the world after all".

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Abraham Maslow presented the basic human needs as a hierarchy that we fulfill gradually as we evolve and develop. We need to satisfy our basic needs and only then can we focus on other things.

Not all feelings can be easily analyzed based on these needs, partly because they mix physical and emotion items (like sex) and because the order of fulfillment in real life does not match the hierarchy. Anthony Robbins separated the emotional areas from the physical and reworked them into 6 needs, of which 4 are more basic than the others.

All people have 4 basic emotional needs that they will do anything, and I mean anything, to get. A need is something we think we must have and this is why we will do anything to get it, even if that thing is not good for us, not healthy, is going to get us into trouble and might ruin our life. That is why it is a need - a small panic attack about losing something we think we cannot live without.

Difficult people cannot satisfy some emotional need they think they cannot live without by themselves, which is why they are so "needy".

The Top 4 Emotional Needs

• Certainty - A sense of security, safety and comfort in the world
• Variety - A sense of change, interest and adventure
• Significance - A sense of uniqueness, individuality and being special
• Love & Connection - A sense of acceptance, belonging and support

You can take every behavior and map it to these four needs. Remember, difficult people have a missing feeling that they "must" fulfill. When you are managing a difficult person, instead of judging them (which will get you nowhere), ask yourself "What is the feeling he/she is missing? Is it Certainty, Variety, Significance or Love & Connection?"

Mapping difficult behavior to needs

1. Exhibitionists - since they want people to see them and pay attention to them by being different, they are missing significance.
2. Experts - wanting acknowledgment for their knowledge and abilities it is a sign they are missing significance. An expert wants to be special and is looking for recognition.
3. Jokers - those who do it for the fun, probably need variety, but jokers, particularly those who are sarcastic, are missing a feeling of significance.
4. Hijackers - they can have more than one missing need. They may try to have some connection with others and compel others to stay in contact with them. They may lack significance and try to be in the center. They may even certainty and satisfy their need by controlling the conversation and sorting out their thoughts and issues in others' presence.
5. Party poopers - negativity and complaining can be done to fulfill one or two needs. It can done to express a lack of certainty ("The world is not functioning the way it should be and I must protest about it") or to gain significance ("I am unique, I am different to you, you are all having fun without me and I am miserable").
6. Devil's advocates - they try to stick out from the crowd, which means they need significance.
7. Puppies - these people need others' approvals and will do anything to gain love & connection.
8. Dinosaurs - they are afraid of new things, they want things to stay the same and variety threatens them. What they seek is certainty.
9. Hostile - these people lack certainty too. Any state of war is a sign that this person is not secure and perceives the situation as being unsafe and unstable.
10. Nitpickers - they behave this way for one or a mix of two missing feelings. The first one is certainty. They need life to follow the rules and procedures in order for them to function. If things are not the way they need to be, they have little panic attacks and nitpick to make others follow the same guidelines and keep life secure and stable. The other missing feeling can be significance. They may be nitpicking to show how knowledgeable and special they are.
11. Show offs - they are usually not satisfied with the level of their achievements and they need others to tell them that they are achievers, so they need significance.
12. Non-stick or Teflon-coated - these people are afraid of change and prefer stability and security. They behave the way they do to gain certainty and minimize risk.
13. Shy - much like the Teflon-coated, they do not want to take risks. They prefer the safe approach and search for certainty. When others rush to their aid and speak for them, it also makes them feel supported, which is a form of love & connection.
14. Astronauts and Loners - they have a smaller tank of love and connection and they gain certainty and significance from doing their own thing. They may also gain variety from daydreaming in the midst of a life that bores them.
15. Competitors - they behave that way for one or a mix of two reasons. Sometimes they seek variety and adventure. They like a competition for the excitement of the competition. However, if winning matters to them more than anything else, they want significance.
16. Troublemakers - these people seek attention. They can do it from lack of love & connection or lack of significance.
17. Gossips - they usually feel weak and use information as a weapon to gain significance. Sometimes, they use that information to gain love & connection too, if they think it will make the person they gossip with like them more.
18. Two-faced or Vague - these people are have a false belief that if they change their position to what they think the other person wants to hear, they will be more accepted. Their behavior seeks love & connection. If they have grown up in a bullying environment, they may be trying to avoid punishment and gain certainty.
19. The "special one" - any desire to be special is a sign that this person is lacking a sense of significance.
20. Approval seekers - these people want others to like them and approve of their behavior. They seek love & connection with the false belief that others can give them that feeling.

Join me next week for some ideas to help a difficult person and tips on how to give a difficult person what they need.

Have an easy, fulfilling day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person
• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach

Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success
- Henry Ford

Working in a group is an important skill for everyone and it is not something you are born with but need to develop. Teamwork is not always easy, because not every member of the group is the same, particularly when some people seem to do nothing at all.

I am sure it happened to you that you had to submit something in a group and the level of frustration rose very high. I can sure tell you it happened to me during my studies. If you are a good student, it is probably even more frustrating that you have to form a group and do something together and some only appear on the last day to add their name to your work. My frustrations were not very long, though, because I remembered how hard it was to be on the side that cannot contribute, so when I was leading a project, I was much more tolerant and accepting.

During my studies, I had the honor of working in a very special project called "Creative Thinking" that was led by Professor Gideon Carmi and taught physics to students in Grade 1 and Grade 2. Professor Carmi's philosophy involved co-teaching, so we taught in teams of two, one educator and one who was not. That was the first time I discovered the real advantage of working and learning in a group.

These 4 years of amazing experience thought me that just everyone not being the same could be a huge advantage. When working by myself, I was limited to my own abilities and talents, my own point of views and my own thinking paths. When I worked with another person, we had a wider range of skills and talents at our disposal, different ways of thinking and better solutions to problems. In fact, the bigger the group was, the more successful we were.

Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean
- Ryunosuke Satoro

Working in a group

For a group to be effective, there are some key concepts that must be accepted by everyone:

1. Everyone in the group is different. Difference is an advantage when we talk about a group. Remember the saying "Many drops can fill the bucket". The more members, the better. If you think your way is the "right" way, you are an obstacle to the group. The more angles there are, the easier it is to deals with the issue.
2. Everyone has something valuable to give the group. If you cannot think of something that one person can give, do not be judgmental. If you look for some talent, you will find it! "Seek and you shall find!"

Types of participants

Every project, assignment or working task requires different skills. If we have a variety of people, we can make sure that everyone can contribute using their strengths and using others to overcome their weaknesses.

When you have a mix of enough talents, you are guaranteed a better success rate. Here are the talents you need:

1. Coordinator - a person who brings the member of the groups together and can allocate tasks to everyone and make sure the work is done. The coordinator is the "glue" in the team. Every project needs one person that has good people skills and can do this job with tact and grace.
2. Collector - someone who can easily and quickly gather information. They are not overwhelmed by lots of information and can use different methods and technologies to gather large amounts of data. The collector is a fact person and can hold lots of information. This person is most important when the task requires a lot of information.
3. Time keeper - a person who has a very good time management skills and can make sure the work is done on time. He or she is the one who takes into consideration everyone's schedule and has a good estimate of how long it will take to complete each task. The time keeper does not leave things to the last minute and always makes sure the group has enough time to put everything together and to handle any unforeseen circumstances.
4. Motivator - a person who makes everyone in the group feel valued and appreciated and encourages everyone to keep moving forward. This person is highly needed when the going gets tough, when there is friction between group members and when some group members are not in the mood for working and contributing. This person boosts the team's morale and helps everyone focus on the goal and the end result.
5. Creative - a person who thinks "outside the box" and comes up with original ways to do the project. This person is very helpful in thinking of different ways and different approaches and can typically come up with great ways to present the work at the end.

Some people have more than one skill, so if you find them, hang on to them, because they are destined for success and there is a lot to learn from them about how to succeed.

Teamwork is a very important skill that we all need during our life. It starts with a very insignificant assignment your teacher gives you at school and continues with your projects at work. But perhaps the most important assignment of your life that requires teamwork is running your own family as a parent, where you need to get results, but also to demonstrate to your children how to be good team members.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach
• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person

While growing up, however, I found out this was not the case with everyone. There were many situations in which I knew the truth and witnessed people denying it or acting as if the opposite was the case.

When I talked to my mom about it, she told me, "Sometimes, people don't exactly lie, but they tell a 'white lie' to avoid complications or embarrassment". The world, it turned out, was not a courtroom drama, where it was "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth".

When I decommissioned one of our computers, which had Microsoft Office on it, I wanted to activate that same license on a new computer. When the online activation failed, I rang Microsoft and asked for their help.

"Have you uninstalled the software from your old computer?" the support person asked.

"No", I said, "That computer is no longer in use".

"I'm sorry, Sir, but you have to uninstall the software".

"Does that deactivate the license at your end?"

"No. So have you uninstalled it, Sir?"

I kept trying to explain the real situation a few times, after which the connection was suddenly cut off. I rang again and had a similarly frustrating conversation with another person, who also hung up on me.

I was furious!

Then I realized what was happening. I asked Eden to ring and inform them that the software has been successfully uninstalled. They activated the new installation in seconds.

So lies have been institutionalized and you cannot get very far without them anymore.

Some time ago, I attended what I thought would be a series of presentations on building great websites, but turned out to be a series of presentations on various topics, including personal philosophy, business, training and other things. One particular presentation was called "Do not lie" and it made me revisit the issue of living honestly from an adult and even a parent perspective.

Here is this 5-minute talk for your enjoyment. The speaker is from Austria, but the talk is in Australia, hence the funny references. I think the common image of German speakers being very direct and straight about everything also helps in delivering his messages.

Let's survey the room. Please raise your hand if you have even

1. Faked a headache
2. "Lost" your homework
3. "Had to be somewhere else" when you were asked to help or attend an event
4. Conveniently forgot about times when you were fired and glorified your professional achievements on a resume
5. Told someone how good they looked (or their work), but did not think so
6. Agreed to another person's political, philosophical or social comment just to make a good impression
7. Pretended to be someone else online or on the phone
8. Said everything was great when things were pretty chaotic in your life
9. Told your kids there is a tooth fairy
10. Used "chewing gum and sticky tape" to keep a product looking good during a presentation, because it was not ready yet for a real test

The truth?! You can't handle the truth!

As Patrick Klug says, lies are often used as a "social lubricant", a way to keep things smooth and avoid confrontation. But why would there be any friction in the first place if we were honest?

I believe the answer is related to our self-confidence.

You see, our view of the world makes us believe that other people are just like us. That way, when we are tired and feel like sleeping, instead of, um, doing "other things", we fear that our partner might feel rejected, because we would feel that way in their place. So we tell them we have a headache or provide some other explanation that would make us feel better.

If our parents cannot help with our homework, cannot afford our study materials or need us to help in the afternoons, we prefer to say our homework was lost, after we presumably did it, instead of sharing our family situation with our teacher and our classmates. Lacking confidence, we need their appreciation and acceptance more than we want their sympathy or their help.

So we go through life assuming other people "can't handle the truth" because we would not be able to handle it in their place.

Why be honest?

Basically, lying is too heavy to carry. When you lie, you sometimes have to continue weaving your false story later. This means that you have to keep track of your lies and that you stress over the risk of being discovered.

I have been through countless situations where people have told something other than the truth and it came to bite them later. As a very detail-oriented person, I can pick inconsistencies in a flash, and I am offended when I find that someone has lied to me. Unless you can be sure everybody will remain ignorant about the truth, you can lie safely, but how can you every be sure?

So lying is stressful.

Lying also influences your view of the world. When you lie about something over time, your version starts sounding like the truth to you. When you lie, you also always know that you are lying, which drops your self-esteem a little. If you lie enough, you may even start labeling yourself as a liar, and that is likely to prevent you from ever appreciating yourself fully.

So lying damages your self-esteem.

How to be honest

Being honest all the time and telling the truth about everything is not realistic. Kids, for example, cannot understand everything simply because they are too young and embellishing or watering down what we tell them may help them cope better than telling them brutal facts.

But we should all aspire to tell the truth as much as we can and make a conscious choice to be honest even in situations where it is not easiest. As long as our aim is to keep a good relationship and not to hurt anyone, honesty is generally a good idea.

So how to be honest? You can do it in a few steps, which are neither simple nor easy, but if you keep taking them, many things in your life will improve and you will start being honest as a matter of course.

1. Recognize all your feelings, including the bad ones. We are often so preoccupied with positivity, we forget that fear, sadness and anger are natural and that ignoring or suppressing them only makes them worse. Being afraid does not make you weak, it just makes you human. Recognizing and facing your fear is the best way to be free of it. Feelings of grief and loss appear in everybody's life and hurt a lot. Be aware of your feelings and give yourself time to recover.
2. Feel comfortable with yourself. Accept yourself the way you are right now. Stand alone in front of a big mirror, relax and look yourself over from head to toe. Notice when you are critical of one of your features and learn to accept it instead. Do this 5 minutes a day for a week. Then, start smiling at yourself for 5 minutes a day over a week.
3. When other people do or say things around you, recognize they are not doing or saying those things to you but for themselves. Look them over from head to toe and try to accept them too. Catch yourself when you start to feel defensive in other people's presence, take a couple of deep breaths and reframe what happens from the other person's point of view.
4. Make a list of situations in which you are dishonest. Notice the stress associated with each situation and discover what you really feel about it. Use your new acceptance of yourself and your new ability to interpret other people's behavior to find more honest ways to handle these stressful situations. This should help you relax greatly.

As your self-acceptance and self-confidence grow, you will be able to be gentle without lying, and that will increase your self-esteem even further. Once you reverse the cycle of lying and stress, your life will become easier and happier.

Honestly,
Gal

You may want to read

• More Control – Less Power
• Make Eye Contact
• Stronger Together

While they behave in a way that aims to achieve this feeling, others feel uncomfortable and awkward around them, stay away from them or react in an aggressive way towards them, so they feel bad and miss that feeling even more. The problem is not with them missing a feeling but that they try to get that feeling in a way that others do not like. Sometimes, their behavior seems like they are unable to read social cues or they do not follow the unwritten rules of normality.

Rules of normality

Personally, I have an allergy to the concept of normality. I believe it is overrated and sometimes confused with majority or average. However, I still think there are socially acceptable rules in every group and that following them will give you an advantage, while not following them will make you a social outcast.

As a special education professional who works with lots of social outcasts that are not normal/average/the majority, I wish our society would be more tolerant towards different people. Yet, while helping them, I spend most of my energy teaching them the "rules of the game", instead of protesting the closed mindedness of society.

Yes, we need to create a more accepting society, but when we need to face the day-to-day challenges of living with a difficult loved one, changing a whole society is way more challenging than changing one person.

The missing feeling

The most effective way to help someone who is behaving in a difficult way is to search for the missing feeling. Ask yourself, "What is he or she trying to get?"

It is very important to understand that we all do things that we believe will give us something. Even if a difficult person does something that is unkind to others, their aim is not to be unkind, but to get some emotional benefit for themselves. So do not be tempted to say, "He wanted to be rude", "She wanted to show off ", "He just doesn't like people" or "She likes to gossip".

Instead, try to guess what he or she was trying to gain. Ask yourself, "How would being rude make him feel better?" or "How would showing off make her feel better?" Remember, our behavior is never against others but always to our own advantage or at least perceived advantage. Although what they do is unpleasant for others, we need to focus on what the difficult person is trying to gain.

The reason that finding the missing feeling is so crucial is that telling a difficult people off or avoiding their company only makes their behavior worse.

It is very natural that people cannot fulfill their own needs. Sometimes, we do not have the knowledge, the skills or the emotional capacity to do it. It does not mean we did not try, it only means we were not successful.

Difficult people give up trying to satisfy their own needs after a while and start putting pressure on others to give them what they are missing. Just like you would not be angry with someone in a wheelchair for being unable to walk, try to accept difficult behavior as a form of social or emotional disability.

Difficult people cannot behave differently. If they could give themselves the missing feeling, they would have done it long ago. I believe that those who are close to them can help them a lot and this can only be done with patience, confidence and grace.

I can understand when people say to me, "I don't have any more patience". I feel the same sometimes, but there is lots of power in consistency. Their awkward behavior is a way for them to beg you to prove to them they are OK, loved, appreciated, respected, accepted... Being angry with difficult people, avoiding them or telling them off will not give them what they want. It will only remind them how much they are missing.

Think about it this way: if they are missing a feeling of achievement, it is better to give them what they need and the need will decrease. It is like a tank in a car that needs fuel. Each tank has a gauging buoy and just like different cars have different size fuel tanks, people have different size needs and their buoys are in different places. When the tank is full, there is no problem and the car can keep going for a long time. When the tank is empty, the car will start to beep and flash lights to tell you to fill up the tank.

Difficult people are the same. They have an "empty tank" of the feeling they are missing and they are desperately signaling for you to fill up their tank. For some reason, they cannot see what they can do to fill up their own tanks, so they need an external person to do it for them.

The most common expression about difficult people is that they have a bottomless tank. "It does not matter what I do, he/she is still difficult". Yes, I know it may feel that way, but it is only because you do not know how much they need to fill up.

Another common expression is, "How can I tell what they need?" True, if you do not know what they need, it will be hard for you to guess.

To get the guesswork out of the equation, join us next week for the basic human needs. With them, you will be able to map out every behavior into simple categories and narrow down the overwhelming feeling you have when trying to manage difficult people.

Have an easy day,
Ronit

You may want to read

• How to Manage Difficult People: A Holistic Approach
• How to Manage Difficult People Using "Why?" and "What?"
• How to Manage Difficult People: Helping a Difficult Person